AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 4 · 1 year ago

Russell S - Escape Velocity @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #6

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Old Age, it's not for Sistene, okay, myname is Russes pats on an alcoholic. It's good to be here. So the usual suspects guys are lookinggood, happy Thanksgiving thanksgiving. I gotto say something ank,you mill this stuff and look. I got Jimmy a over ther. I haven't seen Jimmyin a while. Now I want you guys know about Jimmy. I want to try to shame him. He is pathetic. How long your sober now, twenty fiveyer twenty five years- obundetectid drinking, I think that's marvelous so ibout fifteen years ago, fot Jimmylives in is going to get you sick. Well, he does this to me Jimmy lives invalley in Donesia. Now let me explain Tou where Balley is, if you drill ahole right here and go through the center of the Earth I'Mnot, the other side can come out inhis home group and Balley. You know and let me Ga Bout I flew over the valley.flew me up. The valley they had a convention was that your firstconvention over there, no was second or third or whatever it was had aconvention over valley went over to balley. It was like a twenty four hourplane trip twenty four hours on he plane, unbelievable, they d did youknow they picked my pocket and Taiwan or something thousand bucks you knowwas unbelievable and Tuff. You know that'. I was a little longer trip thanan hour from Palmetto Bay over here. You know, but it's great, you know, a dollar is liketendors over there and so whatwat 'm he's over here, he's like visiting he'sgot a beautiful, Balandasian, wife and fourteen year old daughter, he's got ahouse on a mountain, overlooking the water and all he does is complaine. Sohere's here's the so let me day what he does you know,because is my only shot at getting back to him what he does. This is what hedought is the only thing he does over in Balley, so he doesn't have a job. Hedoesn't do anything you understand he. He goes to a meetings you unerstandand then he serfs, he's been serving on. The onlhy does is Surf Okay and andwhen he's not surfing, he has his a buddies over there and the old lot. Iguess it's. The Indian Ocean, you got in the Indian Ocean on a boat and theycatch these huge fish, huge fish. You know it makes whatever you catch itlike like, like Drek, you know what I mean and then what they do is they geton the on the back of the boat at sunset. They hold up these huge fish,they take a picture youunstand and then they posted on facebook consended to me for three weeks, I'm gn a state offucking depression. I eithen get pictures of him with thefish or him surfing, or something like that, and it's very depressing so and he lives.For that says, Oh, I think he's Goin to really. I think I think this will sendthem over the edge. You know what I mean, we'll start drinking or somethingso I'm lad, Jimmy Ser ie's, a good guy, good man, it's good to grow up in AA.You know your friends, a lot of your friends stay sober and you see hem and that kind of deal, andso it's a good thing come here every year. So, as I said, I'm an Altpok andI found that ther be drin since January, two tousnt F, nineteen, eighty one and it is sort ofThanksgiving the night before Thanksgiving, so I'm sort of likewaxing, although I'm sort of like talking about six and seven but I',really sort of laxine sort of nostagic on the on. I want to talk a little bit aboutthanks Yoiving, because I'm thankful, I'm very thankful, and I'm grateful tobe here and an alcoholics anomyius number three,which is the story about bill: Doctson, Wel, dot, sins, the guy clock, thenurse and it's in our big book, it', outcolls, anomas, number three. It wasn't in the first dision. I thinkone in the second adition he in his...

...story. He says bill. Dotson says this is, and I'm going to try thisisn't exactly Berbatam I'll do the best I can. He says he said he was looking around Daa. Hehad a few months or something like that. He says I knew there was something moresomething I hadn't got, and I know that feeling. I know thatfeeling. I know the feeling of going to AA. I don't want to say it's like badsobriety. It's it's what it is. You know they used to say to me at threemonths when I was going nuts, it's hey, you're, exactly where you're supposedto be. I didn't understand what that meant, you know and it didn't. I tell you what it didn'thelp me at all. You know I mean when you're depressed and you're goingnuts and you're worried about money. You go up to guy, says: Hat Yeah. Youknow, you know how it is yeah. You know initial sobriety, Youre up and Youredown and you're up and youre down. That's the first hour. You know, I mean people say you got Ta Squid Personality.I said I wish I get down to one idea. Okay, I mean from twenty you know and which I get townted to so on anyevents.So the bottom line is, is that and than that was- and that goes on that thatstuff, the up and the down of the up in the down and up the you know, I listen.Why Wan't? You know, I'm just talking about myself, so maybe none of youidentified thers. Usually what I found in a is one of my old vides is nobody.You know you walk around the planet, very, very lonely. It's lonely beanalcohol, you know says UN, listen, Til, notbolk, ceptss, alcoholism and all isconsequences. Is Su. Pret sobrie be precarious, an one of the consequence,I think of being an alcoholic, your very lonely, you know I mean, and youknow it's ironic: they calle us. We call it were alcoholis anonymous and the only place I'm anonymous is outthere. As matter of fact, they're allanonymous of that you ever you realize that everybody's anonymous sad. Youknow if you get a real, an actual earth person and you bring them into an aroom because I've seen this happen. Ou they sit in a room even to a mediocremeeting. Youever you have one ever Hav a feeling. Whith you bring like a guestlike an whos, never DOA Ma, and you praye that it's a good meeting. Youknow and it's the worst freaking an Leedy you've ever been to its home. LikGods yet, and then the guy says to Yo wow. That was incredible and you realize they're all phony shitsout. You know that's all phony balony out there, it's all what about thosedolphins. You know what I mean and you're going to the marlins game andwhat kind of car you getting next year and what what was askpen like it's allbullshit you know, and you don't realize that they don't they don'tinteract like we do so to them. The worst heyaming is like a miracle, sothat they've never studied like this, because everybody out there is freakinganonymous. That's why I'm uncomfortable in a sense sometimes out there, becausebecause they don't know me, I'm an alcoholcs anonymous, I'm ananonymous ALCOHOCI COM in here I am anything but anonymous. Everybody knowsme. I fly to Seattle. I walk into an a meeting. I sit down next to a guy whodoesn't know me from Adam. We talked for three seconds. He knows everythingabout me. He knows more about me and how I'm thinking than what my wife doesand she's been with me for almost thirty nine years, and that is theabsolute truth. That's the absolute truth. I have awife I've married to almost three nine years. I've got four children. I'veraised an a I've, got seven grandchildren they're having aThanksgiving thing tomorrow. You know it's somebody's. I used to have themover a my house and by a lot of people over and sponsoes now they're having atsome cousins house or something like that. They'll be like twentysend peopleand den't have all sorts of stuff there and I'll go there. Out of you know I'llgo there. You know, I love my grandkids. I love a wife I'll go there, but but asI'm there, they know that I'll be there for about an hour or so, and then I'mbooking it to an an...

...where I'll feel more comfortable wer. I will feel I listen you don'thave to like it and they don't have to like it. But up here it's in this Cha.I got to tell you the truth. I will book it to an a meeting where I willfeel comfortable hen I'll feel comfortable because I'll be with myreal family and let you what you find out usually, is that your real familyis not necessarily blood related I'll, be with myk, twin brothers andsisters. You know, but that's not the only reason I gothere and I want to talk a little bit about that, because I want to talkabout gratitude and some other things. I got sober on January twent, NeThousand Nine hundred and eighty one, but that was not really. I mean it was bad. It was bad. You know,listen, I'm not going to compare bottoms, everybody ats, a differentbottom, but it was bad and and I'm glad it wasbad, I'm glad it wasn't. One of these pullship bottoms, you know or goofy broBottoms or you know I got a bad bucket of ice or something you know I was. Iwas thirty one years old and I thought my life was over and I thought it wasnever going to be better again and I was I don't know what suicidal is, but itwas bad, it was just a bad deal and but but that wasn't actually the worst ofit. My my spiritual bottom, I believe, was-and I talk about it. You know when I do my tolks and things was on December,twenty fifth that- and I had long before- that I haddivorced my wife, a beautiful young lady and and left her left. My inlaws, who weregreat people left my child left. My House left everything left everything and I was, I was excited to leave Hembecause now I could go out and date other women I left Awiye for five yearsand a child and house. So I go out and get laid, that's the truth. You know itdoesn't have to be pretty. You know. I don't say that to make myself look good.I say that to make myself look exactly the way I was a selfish brick. You knowthat's what I was I was evil. I was a piece of shit now you guys probablyhave a mil form of this disease. You probably didn't hurt t you probablybasically good people, I'm not you know you just deny you're nice people thatyou know some bad breaks into Sunstandis. You probably never heardanybody except yourselves and never disappointed people, but but I was anasshole. You know what I mean and now listen. I wasn't like a monster monsteran you know. I mean that kind of stuff, but you know I sat around thinkingbadshit about myself and other people, and you know my whole life was devoted.If I you know, was pretty much thinking about killing people and murdering themand they got in my way and then you know, I believe, Ye I'm fully capableof it. You know of you know at you get in my way. You hurt my feelings, dosomething it's the fucking death penalty. You know what I mean: There:Ain't no probation in my ideal and and it's important to understand whoyou are and what you are because then you can really appreciate the miracleof alcoholcs anonymous and the miracle that Godtan do in your life. When yougo from, you know, when you go from piece of shit to the extraordinary life I have rightnow, it's like Americal, you can appreach it. If you just go from beingWhil, I'm not. I wasn't that good. I was kind of bad. I was messed up littletime to I'm a little bit better. Now not much of a deal. You know what Imean not exactly a miracle. You know, but I that wasn't my deal. My deal wasTocever Twentyfifth, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one I was my planwas to be the UHAFNER of Miami. I don't know what the plan was had something todo with women and cars and money and travel, and it didn't quite work outbecause I couldn't stop drink well. Did't work out for a lot of reasons,but what D uppear it ultimately appeared at the very end. Like itdidn't work out, because I couldn't stop drinking and when I said couldn'tstop drinking, I mean- and this is a great thing about out boxs anoymous- II don't have to explain this- I mean I couldn't I mean I couldn't stop drinking.

You know if I was Giveng this tolk tothe Quanas plub they today. What did he sayg Wellwhat Doyou? Couldn't stopdrinking. You know what I mean. I don't even have to explain that I couldn'tstop drinking and you know I tryed to Stt. I was drinking against my will andthings were bad, and so I thought my life was over and Ihad gone out to what's called they nowjaveWena some. You guys know what that ISS. Twenty four Christmas, twenty fourthanight and the the Gal who I don't know shetook me there, whatever her father, kicked me out because I e I got himthere drunk and you know you want to you want to havelike a headstart. You know before you get one of these deals. You know so Igottin there drunk and because that's what I was I wasn't drunk and I was anattorney. I was a drunken and three piece suit so and he kicked me out, andso here I am alone Kno, Frank Sanatra. Most of you guys are pretty young. Youknow, you're, like forty or less there's a song by frank, Sanatra calledsaddy night is the loneliest night of the week. You know I mean if you're anAltfol, you know what loneliness is and I was like lounchless that I wastrolling the bars. You Know Frend E. I wonder what she had and I was when wego to Anla toget it and di was but SI. You know so hi's line Saturday night isthe loneliest night of the week and it's a lonely deal and I so I gotkicked out so P here. I am on Christmas Christmas around two o'clock in themorning and you know if you're an otcholking used to compare yourinsights with other people's outsides. You just know that everybody hassomething you have shit, you know you comparing who you are and what you arewith, and basically one of the things about alcohol at least my alcoholism.Is this this incessant idea that you doesn't even rise? It doesn't risereally to a conscious level. I think it's more unconscious this, this sortof idea that you're pretty much worthless. You know you, you act like you're, abig shot, your grandeos, you spend a lot of money. You don't have bindshit,you don't need to impress people, you don't like you keep on telling yourself,you don't care. What other people think about you, but pretty much. Your whole idea about yourself is whatyou think other people think about. So you spend a lot of time worrying aboutwhat kind of cart you DRIV. What kind of clote you have out what you know howfat you are, how thin you are, what you look like Tho other people, why theysay that? What do you think Yhoud mean bent by that? Why do you think shelooked at me that way, even though you don't give a shit about other peopleand it's not a whole one, because deep down intside, you have no selfworthwhatsoever. That was OI'm just talkng about my deal. Yeastandit says nothingdo with you, so I don't worry about it. You know I mean, and and so when youlive your life that way, and you don't even know why you feel the way you feelan act way you act and do the ship. You do you know, and and so that's what, and so by the endyou know, and it's like Bill Wilson set and talk aboutalcoholism. He said the real problem with alhox's unhealthy dependence andwhat happened is at, as you know, the drinking as bad as it is, and it iswhat gets us in here and really it is what keeps us in here and whatdisciplines us. I mean ais like a thank God for booze, because Ais, like youknow, it's like a giant something Ofri oven. You now you come in here and youdon't get with the program. You don't hold the hands, you don't do the deal.You don't do the steps, we don't don't worry about it. You know you'll pull inthe area for a while, but every year or two, the alcohol vacuum wheen it comesthrough here. You know what I mean and sucks up the bullshit and throws it outthe door and the ones that don't die. They come in here with a new atatitudeand they stayes, because otherwise, if everybody staye even the ones thatweren't serious, you know, that's what it says in the big book and says iseverybody welcome, says if they mean business, you know my back. Then theyhad low bottom drunks. These guys were fine, so everybody round them hadbusiness. They got them down on their knees to give their life the Lord andeverything like that, because that's...

...how bad they were. But now we got.People have like a bad bucket of by some Sidin the night and the MOS putthem in the treatment center say they go to Aa, but the n they're not reallyinterested too much. You know what I mean, I mean it could happen, but theygot to go to three or four o five or six or twenty six treatment. Centersand you know be arrested, have their legs chopped off and you know whateverthe heck has to happen where they finally somewhere around the a fortyfigure it out that their alcoholics en need help ind they stop chasing thedeal, but the bottom line is is that is that alcohol is our greatdisciplinarian. You know, that's the thing that really gess a the pointwhere you got to grow up or die. You know that's the way e. It is so this particular night. I went home andit was three o'clock two or three 'clock in the morning, and I you know,you know when you there's, there's nothing more lonely than the holidays if you're an alcoholic and you're atyour bottom. You know you just know that everybody,because I had experienced holiday because you know when you're analcoholic you you are. You are man, you are Jonesin for Christmas inJune, you are looking forward to New Year Zeeve. You know what I mean inOctober. You know I mean it is like it is like the greatest: The holidays ofthe greatest getting drunk you, because you're allowed to get drunk, O crazy,go wild and everything like that and and then, when you get to the pointwhere it's all over and you can't stop drinking and everybody's kicked you outand you're all alone, and you know that everybody has somebody and you'rethe only one on the planet earth that doesn't have everyt everybody's havinga Norman Rockwell Christmas. You know what I mean and the film of love and you're sittingthere alone in your bachelorpad and nobody loves you and you're all alone,and I'm a Selfpitioholic as it is. You know it was like. I hit a bad bottom and Isome preacher came on TV and you know a lot of you've heard this story and said:If you want to change your life, he says, give you life to Jesus and I gotdown on my knees and he did the Sinners Bran Gav, my wife to Jesus, which isnot a big deal for some, but for a Jewish kid from gratnick Long Island.You Know Ani think! Well, maybe you had to be there Yeayeahi, don't knowit'shard to explain if you're with me that night, maybe you would have understoodbut an in any event, don't Robin Alcoholom, his desperation, every alhol,kin of Straightwas last drink and and thirty days later I didn't. I didn'timmedately stop drinking. But thirty days later, you know after I got into acar accent, almost killed myself and somebody else. I picked up a white chip,so I'm all right. I had my last trink in the hospital bet Wen twos, runninginto me from the axand everything I had my last drink, fouy buddy of mine, a drink, buddy mine,it snuck in a a cold cours beer which back then believe it or not. You had tosmuggle it in to through a stewardess. You know Hor somebody. There wassmuggling cors beer like it was cocaine. You know what I mean amazing and and that's the deal, but but I reallyhit my spiritual bottom. You know the the bad deal in December, the twentyfifh Christmas Day around two o'clock in the morning, and so you so this timeright now, this time of year is sort of like bitter sweet for me, because thiswas the time of the year where I was at my lowest, I wanted to die, was thirtyone years old untill my life was over so for whatever reason, I'm not gonnaeven getting there to for whatever reason. In this time of the year, I go to a meetings all the time I meanthat's hol, my whole wife is Aa. You know essentially, and and becausethat's where I want to be okay, I'm I don't go to a because I'm forced to goI'll go TOA, because I want to go. I used to want to go and go to a meetings,because I need a meeting and I still need meetings. I still need meetings,but I don't go to a so much because I have to have a meeting or I'm going todrink. I go to a because I want to see...

...what, because I'm concerned is whetherwhet there's somebody there. I can help you know and and one of the things thatthis guy said Gill Dotson build docts and POB DOTS and I keep ongetting that makes up, but he said he said he knew there was something moresomething he hadn't gotten and then he said he was. He was tryingto figure out what the secret was. He thought ther was like a secret, youknow and and unfortunately or fortunately, it'sjust the way it is. I guess it keeps ou the Petendes. It would be great if youcould come in here and listen to one person, Toe Throt, O one, a meeting, aread one book and then all of a sudden you got like thirty years, O Vriety yougot whatever. It is whatever that whatever that deal is whatever thosepromises. Are you read one book and you sort of study it and after three monthsyou got thirty years and you're just floating on the air, but butunfortunately you got to have thirty years in Oier. You got to have thirtyyears in order to get thirty years. So you know I mean you got to go through e.The desert, like the Israel, you know, remember they got they were in Bondasfor fornded years and they going through the promise land it as like atwo week March, forty fucking years, you know Yeh, andyou know why I took forty years because they were following the Lord. They wereread the by. They were following God. You know why would God take forty yearsbecause man, by the time those basters got out of out of the forty years,they're ready to rip rape and run- I mean they were, they were no longerslave mentalities. They were all people that were born in the desert walkingaround in there. They were tough, tough guys, you know, and they had to get outof that slave mentality, enslaves to lust slaves to thingsslaves, alcohol. So you know it says what we have to have is a Ma Dmaintain, a matter of livingwhich demands rigorous honesty and the truth is the alcohol drinker was but asyptommy disease. My disease sends my mind, not my body and the Asshole I was,and the bastard I was, and the guy that hurt people in the selfish son of abitch I was, and the dilusial guy was the day before I took my last drengthwas the same guy one day after I took my last draiht because my mind and the way I thoughtabout things and who I was and what I was and what wasn't born what didn'tchange a Tad? You know what I mean. I just gota little humility, th through pain, so that maybe I listened to somebody forAnano second, so I picked up a white ship which was a big deal. Let me tellyou something: isometimes. I think that the best I'veever been in Alhol SANAMAS was the night. I picked up my white chip Istood up like and I didn't know anybody in the room Istood up and I walked up to the front. But everybody see me it's almost like I was saying I needhelp to everybody in the room is probably the best I've ever been, but Ipicked up the watch. I've been figding to get back there for for thirty noneyears. You know get back to that mindset. You know what I'm talkingabout, I sponsor to say the problem with alcohol, because I get too welltoo fast, so n, so Bob Dotson he was trying to figure out the secret and andthen and it's in the book. You can check this reader hen alcoholisanomus number three and hesays that I was sitting in my house with my wife Andrietta and he said, andhe was over. He was listening to Bill Wilson and they had some sort ofrelease. Some sort of it was something more than the not drinking thing. Itwas something more than not drinkingthing.You ever go to Meins and yet- and you see somebody or something's going,I know I did it all the time. I see these old timers. I remember I went toameeting with AU Kennedy. Didn' never saw him before in my life and he gave atalk, and I was just transfixed by this guy. He was just talking and I don't even know what he was saying,but I was just watching them and I said man and I wish I had what that guy has. Iknow what he had, but he looked like he...

...was. He wasn't nervous. I could tell youthis: he wasn't upsetable or anything he was comfortable in his own skin andthen after he left my sponsor it's only. I said I want to go. Hang out with thatguy- and you know because I wanted what he had is in the book say: The PRECURSOdo the supisids. If you want, we have, and you will Hav Gon a Hanle together,then you'e ready to take certain steps. Man, you know how many years guys youknow how many years I ran around every Friday Saturdaynight, Wednesday nights Thursday nights the bars and daycounty the money Ispent looking for her for her yeah you're laughing. You don't knowwhat it's like. Let me tell you something man if I just had one tenth of thatdesire to be like altenety been a superstarer. You know what I mean, but you know there's there's this tugof war. You know, there's you can you can and I've known so many people that werenever able to reach escape velocity from alcoholism.I've seen millions of them escape from the Booz, but never able to do theescape velocity where they weren't pulled back by the other shit. Isponsored guy in Kevin what a great guy he was. I Love Kevin He's one of myfirst guys I sponsored and Funny Guy Great Guy and he gets up. He getswhenever he got drunk he he got arrested. I mean he was like a formermarine. He was a great guy. I love this Guy Hou lived in my house for me and mywife for like five months. You know and I sponsor him for many years and he'spassed away. He got my finally got about five years sobriety, but I havesuch a rtremendous kavin stories where one time one time he called me up, hegot about three months and some guy with two years. He started living withher and you know he called me up on night. He saidRussley says what he says he says Diane. She tried to stab me last night,ecaysor tried to stabb me with sheers. While I was sleeping it and I said toKevin, he said what he says: Kevin Listen To me when a woman tries to stabyou when you're sleeping, that's God's way of telling you it's time to leave and Hevin explained to me. He explainedto me because he had O had a bunch of Aa you'd, been in ow how he said thisis, but but Russell what about love? What about commitment? What about responsibility? What aboutlove and tolerance? Shout me give people, and you know by the time he'sdone- he's got me sinking. Well, maybe I'm wrong about them, like maybe I'm ready to go to FreckanAllenon, you know and because you're so good at this stuff and of course he drank again- and you knowone time he was talking about the phone, the phone with tha. So what happened?She she cut the the phone for she was in AA. You know just anAlpoholic woman doing her thing. You know and Neir thing you know, that's the Ol andone time he was saying that this is Kevin. He met a Gout, he was, he was intreatment, an what's the place in Floria the prison where they send thedrunks. I forgot the name of it Sarts with me, but by Tampa something he wasinprison for. He was sentence to like a bunch of time and some alcoholicplace in in Tampa and he met a Gal. There named anny she's gorgeous she'sgorgeous Andy. They were co drunks together in the and they startedrelationship. So ultimately Y got kicked out because they can't haverelationship and they moved in together, but they were sober. That's what hetold me. So he got to mee any so I went over. There were supposed to me with mywifesbein Burnstankouss great place, I'm sitting there at Burns and he's not.There e was Kevin and it's great thing about sponsoringpeople. You have such D and I calld him. I said Kevin where you're thesnakehouse. Where are you says Russell? He says you wouldn't believe this. Imean you can't thik Ou shoild, hup sais, you wouldn't lieve thisis. What he saysAnnie is naked on the balcony,...

...overlooking you know when he was on theliving room and she's got a Bot. She's drunk she's got a bottle of Vaka in herhand. In he right hand, she's got a butcher knife and she's screaming at me,and I said what is she screaming at Kep Keinshesays she's creaming at me to leave, and I said now kep in listening. You need you need to leave and he said, but Rossell what if shehurts yourself and what about love and what about commitment? What aboutwhatever? And I said what is she doing now said shescreaming? What she' spreaming Levn? You need to leave so Kevin Drank again that night andwent to jail and all that sort of stuff so see there are people that will escapethe drinking, but they don't go fast enough to escape the gravitational pupeof all the other, all the other things were addicted to and those are t ethings by the way that you'll be dealing with for the next twenty thirtyyears. Those are the things that youll bedealing with in the six and seven stuff where you finally come to the pointwhere you're willing to go to a length that you're willing, you know to giveup all the defects of character, where the guys are willing to stoprunning around looking for the women. If girls arewilling to stop wunning around thinking that if they only had a band in theirlife, they'd be okay and feel like there's something and build their selfrespect around then, and you stop running around thinking about cars andall the other sid that you know the stuff that you remember how you feltbefore you ere ready to stop drinking before you ready to stop drinking. Ifsomebody told you how to drink an problem, you didn't it Didyou, you knowI mean that's sort of like the way you look at people like me, say: Whell, yougot to start stop of the romance. You got to stop with the cars and themoney and the romance. You know you look at me. You think I'm like meddlingin your life. You know I cam't me to stop drinking. I haven't had a drink,I'm not even thinking about Drangin, and you think that you think that thinkthat, because you're thinking, you're telling me you're, not even thinkingabout drinking and you've, been solved for ten years, you're thinking that I'mfucking impressed you're trying to you're trying to hidebehind it's like a cross door, vampire you're trying to hide behind the notthinking you're like an addict waking that you're just waiting the drink orfeel sorry and you're. Just holding up that. I'm not drinking thing up infront of me to get me out of your fucking life, so you can go around andpour aroun like you like, towe like that Shit, you know, you think itimpresses men Kevin ended up drinking again, Hevin, because so many people,you know a one half one percent. They sowbere tweny years because most ofthem can't can't really. They can't really deal with the real deal with thereal disease so bill Wilson and Bob. So the Bob.What's his name, build Bob Dotsbill Dotsododson, whatever is nhat was itBelaba? BILLDOGS says Bill Wilson? He overheardif he was talking to Henrietta, and he said he said and henriatist said youheard him say this. He said Henrietta they were eating like a s sandwich in the said Henrietta. The Lord has been so wonderful to me. Turing Me Hove, thistep of disease, that I got to keep talking about him and tellingotherpeople, and he says he said I heard that he said. I think I had the answerbill. Wilson was grateful what God had done for what had happened to him and-and he gave all credit to God and he's so greateful that he can'tstop talking about T, and he says that that Sais this Lord has been so Londe.For me, forme of this a couple season I got con Talki about and till otherpeople has been a golden text for me,...

...an altbols anonymous, and you know if you read the Big Bookand you actually start reading it and understand what it says instead ofskipping Ou and you read things like grat factors is and nothing less theGod has become. The central fact of our lives were absolutely certain. Theylives in a Hartsom minds and a way which is need, miraculous, UN, a newbased bases of trusting Belign upon God. We never argue, we never argue withanybody about God we're never embarrassed about God. We never triedto defend it. We let him demonstrate in our lives who who we are and what'sgoing on and see guys like like out Kennedy who wanted to hang around him,because I wonder what he had and my sponsor said. You know he's Ding ofcancer. I said I'm talking about the guy. Just Ti me said: He's dyine Ocan't she didn say anything like that. He's just trying to help people sincewel he's got about six months to live. You know his life was centered. AbondGod, you know, you know he was ready to leave. Youknow my sponsor Di wit. Sixty one years sin cancery says my bags are packed,I'm ready to leave. I'm okay, you start seeing that shit. You know you startseeing that shit. You know you see some real. You see some guys that are reallyseriously. You know facing the deal and there is calm. As you know, you wouldthink they're just going on a trip to Alaska something and ballyer that kindof stuff. You see that there's some there's some really heavy hitters inhere, but the few and far between you know the the men and AlcoholisAnaolos. You know that steff that separates themmen from the boys, thedifferent between the guys that are you know just just in here just to get outof my life, I'm sober, you know the guys should sponsor that say it's likeyou, don't my back. I haven't had a drink, get of my back don'tven want todrink. You know I mean those guys from the guys that really are interested inthis deal that have come. You know that that are you know, Gotento the point tesix step deal you know entirely ready to have God remove allthese defectsive factor say it's like shooting for perfection will never getthere but we're shooting for it. You know entirely ready to get rid of allthis stuff. You know what I mean now, I'm not even close to getting rid ofall of it, but you know, and what dare those guys do you know what the booksays? Those guys it says it says wont he says the problem is our selfishnessand selfset in us. He said above everything we must getrid of that Selfarsen INSA, you know it says, says: God makes that possible te give us everything we need once youmake that serious decision for him o give us everything. We need serious decision, for God is notgetting on kneeds one time and saying the prayer like the Thursday print. Youthink, you're finished with this deal. Serious decision is never getting off oyour Knes, you know what says the Big Punt D, Youknow what says the Big Book and says we encourage Church membership, and thenit says why we encouraged church, Nembership, church and sentegodmembership. He says because if you want to increase your conscious contact withGod and your whole, life has to reevolve around God and basicallythat's what the winners do. They ivolve their whole life about God. The bottomline is it's best that you, if you're, not an Adi, and then you hang aroundpeople that are talking about God, and then you know what it says. Shesays, we're not saying this is obligatory. I mean you, don't have todo it because you know why ecause they know that most people in Aa won't do it most people re able say shit like well.They said that when I went in the head would walk out the door ofcourse in thebeginning of Ay the first four years. They would h ve, let you walk, theywould have told Tou get down on your knees or you re, not you're, not goingn to an amy then give a shit now a has become more kinder and nicerand we don't care we're just happy if you're not drinking, we are happy ifyou're not drinking but we're hoping that maybe you'll turn into one of themen and you'll stick around and you really get serious about this deal andbecause everybody's sober, an a everybody's, physically sober, an a butnot everybody is emotionally sober IA. You know ts Mattic, most people aren'tthat they can be. It depends upon whether they get serious a they turnthei life into focusing on what you need to focus on here. It says, Godwill give you everything in need. If you stay close to him en form, is workwell and his work is that you be of...

Maximum Service Tho other people, a D,be a servant to other people. How much time do you think about beinga servant to other people, as opposed to whether you're Gonnta have a dateSaturday night or whether you can get a new car? You know all the other stuff.You Talk, you think about you know hand, you say so you say toyourself you say: Well How do you get there? How do you do that? You know mywhole life up to thirty one years old hough I did was think about that stuff.How can you not think about that stuff? Everything every movie I watch is aboutthat stuff. Eery. Billboard, I see is about that stuff everybody. I talk oout there they're talking about that stuff. You know. HALF THE PEOPLE I'm talkingto in here they're talking about that stuff. Every time I have a sponsorsponsor complain to me, he's complainid about not having the stuff he's placingabout the GAL, the Guid, the car, the money. The whole world is about thatstuff. There's not a TV show on that isnit about the stuff. You know what Imean as Amaerik. The only time I hearanything about religious people, not bolxs ANAMAS is how stupid they are. We even have little sayng in here. Thefellowship does not the book. The book says let' Me Tay what the book says. Welose all prejice, even against Forgano, even against oranize religion. We beginto see what they're right. That's what the book says. You know the fellowshipsays: I'm spiritual, not religious. The book says the men appreciatereligion. They even encourage church membership. They join churches becausethey get out of the bullshit they surrendering. They do that stuff, an althe boys do they say I don't need that Shit, I'm spiritual that religious andthey put down religion. That's what the boys do alot more boys than men in here. I cantell you that and a'lchoics anonymous. That's the deal, but here's the greatthing you get to make a decision as to what you want to be one of the men Erone of the Boysh at all the time, the world. To do that, you know, but I can tell you this. There areconsequences. There are consequences to how you do this deal. Nobody gets awaywith anthing, nobody gets away with it. You don't get away with anything. Youmay stay sal for ten or fifteen years or twenty years, but the bottom line.Is You don't build this thing right? You don't bring this build. This thingsolid. You don't put it on solid ground. Let me tell you something: Life is ahumbling experience. You know thing shit happens, you know, people diepeople leave, you know, jobs fade away. You know stuff happens. Cancer ComesShit, happens in your life. You know. Yes, if you stop drinking many timesthe CRABP you'll stop the stuff from happening. Thate's. A consequence ofyour drinking but stuff will happen as a consequence. t the stuff can happenreal bad to you. As a consequence of lusting, we had a president that was impeachedbecause he couldn't stay away from an entrant. You think now, you think ofyou think of people that are intelligent people. Intelligent people high up there lik have everything youknow what I mean that have that Shit happen to him. You sit there and yousay what the Hell, what the Hell I didn't do a six step and how man stopall ten do a six step. Hapes, all the time doesn't matter. Youknow how rich you are. How famous you ar anything like that? Shoul, that's,listen! You think you're not dealing with the alcloi. Listen! If you don'tlook, it is absolutely true. If you don't deal with this stuff, you know it can ultimately come back asalcohol. You know if you can come back as the Symptom Y. U you go out there, ad you drink again. You think your problem is Tringht, you you go outthere and you drink again, and you think your problem is drinking and youcome in here and you stop drinking because you think the cure is not todrink, and so you do the same. Bullshit you did when you first came in here.You just figure out how not to drink what you can do in Aa for a year or twoor three, and then you start thinking, you're, okay again, but you're stillchasing after the women Ar You'e chasing Alf the money and then you'e updrinking again, and then you go to another treatment center to figure outhow not to drink, because you think...

...fucking drinking is the problem and youdon't even know the promise. As matter fact, you don't even want the solution,because you don't want to stop the horring. I mean just horring for womenor Sexo, I'm the Horri for the money, the horing for the world. You don'twant to stop looking at that stuff. As a matte of fact, you don't even likepeople talking about that clap makes you uncomfortable makes you uncomfortable whenever youjust stay. Talk like this might even disturb youjust remember. Whenever you disterve, I matter what the cause is somethingwrong with you. That's what I that's what I is about.How would you read the book? How did you read the Twelve and twelve I'm tored step? Six and seven howd'd? You talk read about they talke about thegluttny and the sex and the Lov and all that stuff. Haven't you read that theyou know they stop ta? Listen, I hate to tell you this. They stoppe talkingabout the booze real, fast and alcoholics anonymous. You know. Let meTao by time you get to the fifth chapter: They ain't talking about thatShit. They ain't talking about the drinking anymore. You go to thosecoventions Wis, a hundred thousand people nobody's drinking there, ain'tno drinking problet, let Tay something! Nobody has a drinking problem teye.They got a spiritual thinking problem and you know something that same thingthat stopped you from coming to a in the first place that same thing, whereyou told people get off. My back. I don't want to k about drinking. Is thesame thing. That's going to kill you in here with the other shit. That's thetruth. You know you might just have to get pern Youw. How old did it take? Howwonl t did it and they take you of the realized? You had a drinking problemand the thing about the drinking problemt. Here's the problem withdrinking problem is the drinking problem. At least they 'll arrest. YouI mean if you can't stop drinking theye. Arest then want to rest you for driving,wolve feeling, sorry for yourself and tri noon, the Reston for driving tthere onl the rest you for driving, ther Al Resten for driving, whilecomveting or driving ill being grandios or driving bybibeing self. I mean ifthey are read, look if they arrested you from thinking and doing the crapthat you're doing that is unhealthy. dependencies right now, dhed be morepeople real and sober doing this a thys six te it take out of car. Excuse me, stiryou've been thinking about you, Beun thinking about women, Hawen't Youyou'vebeen, I know, you're married and you've been thinking about going ont, yourwife Ha wit. You Ha ben doing that. Okay, we gotta e need to walk this line. Soy' gonna have to rest. You put in thecups on we're. Gonna have o call your life, but the cuyou know after theYettow Thir O. fourth rest, you might say man. I need help. You get down onyour knees. Say Jesus take this off of me. You know I'm getting tired of goingto Jevor this shit. You know Te. Don't do that right. They wouldn'tgo through three or four divorces: Pay Allimon for about ten or fifteen twentyyears, completely ruin your life. They let you do all that stuff. They,let you they let you go bankrupt because you spend hing money, you don'thave they let they just let you ruin your life over longer period of time,so you can live a life for quiet desperation and you're sober and you're,like you're, like the sky, Bob Dots and build Odyo saying I knew there wassomething more somthing, don't Hav! When am I going to get these promises?Shit happen and you're never going to get him happened because you don'treally want them because you don't want to have to do the shit you have to doand get in order to get that stuff happening in your life. You don't wantto do it. You just think because you just proud of yourself, because yougave up the drink and you think giving up the drinking which is really theanti and the pogram that gets you into the stadium. You think given up thedrinking is the secret to the promises where it says: Weire sinks. How do you do the problese? Because Godis donit for you, what you can't do for yourself and so around this time of theyear? I always make it go to a rout means anyway be, but I always want togo to a because I just know that this is the time of year whet. I thought mylife was over. This is the time of the year, which is the most difficult isprobably in time o year with his more suicides, and I know if I go to a namemeeting, whether it's Christmas, ee or...

Christmas Day or Thanksgiving e worthanksgiving, there's going to be some drunk there, some guy there whos brandnew who doesn't have a family doesn't have any place to go and he's feelinglike his life is over and that's the guy I'm looking for. That's the gallI'm looking for I'm looking for that deal. You know that's what I'm lookingfor Itis, that's my job! That's what I've been equipked to do. You know artthe royal priesthood now but you're like it. Not that's my job. My job isnot to have a whole lot of fun ut. I can do that. You know I have to do that.I have to be good father and I have to be a good grandfather and I have to domy my deal and I do that, but whatee want to be what I feel obligated to do.What I feel the God of my understanding needs me to do is to be here. You knowand try to look for those people and do that deal you Hav service and andbecause and I'm going to sort of Endet this way you know, because I reallywant sort of talk about this. One thing it's because it's because of who I W Iknow who I was. I know what I am I mean I do know why I mean I've. Listen, youknow we see through you know one of the one of the books. They say an alcoholsin talked Aboub, the good old timers. Theysaid the books we found. Absolutely that's absolutely essential- was thefirst Quinthn an thirteen summon on the Mount and the book of James and SerandFirst Grand Thingn, thirteen, which I really encourage you to read. He. Itsays a lot of things, but one of the things thit says is, as we see throughlast darkly, but soon things will be revealed, and I came in here and I'msaeing. I don't see I'm looking TAT myself, the marror, I don't even see me.I have no idea who or what I am and as time goes on and you fight thisalcoholism and you fight these feelings and you fignd this crap and maybe youmight have to go to twenty three meetings to learn. One thing aboutyourself because for twenty two meetings, all you alk going to Doin istalk about that asshole or that idiot or that jerk. Or why did this happen orwhy did that happen in the twenty third meeting? Have to talk to you sponsorand writing a few things. Ind twent third say mabing. All of a suddenyou're saying I am I'm an idiot and you learn like one thing aboutyourself and then you learn something and thenmaybe twenty fe millions or two years later you change that one thing andthen, after you know three or four years, you learn another thing aboutyourself and then maybe in two years you change that and every time youchange someg. You look at yourself a little bit differently and you saythings a little bit differently and it may take a long time to really see howthis other stuff that I'm talking about, which you're not even thinking aboutnow, because it's just the way you livein thinking, crazy and being eviland being crappy and being selfish is just the way. I am do you think when Iwalked awout on my wife happy. She was kicking me out because I couldn't stopdrinking say now. I could drink wik now. I can go out with the women. Do youthink for one? Second, I thought I was I'm a rationalizer. I tell myselffational wize. I give myself really good reasons. Why? It's not my fault.You can't believe the Shit I can come up with. We got married too young. Shedidn't understand me. This is really helping around it's better for her I'lljust pay my chil the Shit I come up with to get myself off the hook. Youcan't even imagine and I'll tell you something the people I avoid that mighmight tell me to my face and confront me and say you are Sunassole, you can't.You can't imagine how I hate those people and how I avoid those people,and you can't even imagine the links I go to to hang out with people ha tellme. I am one great son of a bench, an I'll tell you. I can keep myself insickness. You can't believe you know, and so I hang out in here and I changeslowly and I can tell you this whatever is going on for me right now, whoever Iam right now, whatever kind of person, I am right now. This ain't me see. Iknow enough about me and who I was where I came from, that I give allcredit like bill. Listen to God. This is how we demonstrates how he changesyour life. This is how, when drwwhat...

...was the Dr Young says, ideas, emotion,tattitudes, which are the Guid in forces of these men's lives, arepressed oon side and they become they become dominant, Bu, Homeou, set ofideas, emotions that I don't. I don't give myself the luxury of saying. Oh,look at everything, I've done to change and I'm a better person. Now I am not.Let me tell you something: I am fully caple at almost thirty nine years Oberand after everything, I've done everything. That's happened to me, I'mfully capable of regressing. Usually it's just for moments. Let me tell yousomething: The old, the guy who walked out in his wife now did that stuff. Heis alive and well and just waiting to come out of the cage. I could come outof the cage real fast at a moment's knowlad in at certain period of time.If somebody looks a man, you know- and I so I know- who's really involved tin, Mak himg.That change in me. I ondilude myself to say: Look how good I am or anything.God is good, I'm not good! You know, God is good, but in a really strangeway, I don't you know some people tant say well, that's kind of negative, butit's not negative for me. You know, what's n, you know, what's you know whyit's positive for me, because I have a god that thinks so his unconditionallove and he thinks so much about me that he's willing to help me out, eventhough I'm pretty much an asshole see I don't eveen God that helps me out,because I'm a good person because I'm not, I need the kind of God that isunconditional love that he loves me. He wants to help me out, even though I'mscrewed up I'm an alcohol, I ad God that lovescrew ups. That's why my God came. He came to help os the centers AF, the GIS.You know. So that's all. I have to say thank you very much. Happythanksgivving.

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