AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 18 · 1 year ago

Russell S - Door 3 @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

How we have rust this pass continuingthis tour of speeches with us for the seventh week here. Yeah, thankyou. Okay, right, okay. My name is Russell Stats. I'man alcoholic, I mean member of the South Taxea Group of alcoholics, anonymous, and I have time. I should have a drink. Or have Ihad a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and it's good to be at this group. Is Always of then thisbunch of times of this group over the years and it's a congratulations state onyour night birthday. That's fantastic and I anniversarrated and I know a lot ofguys who've been over the steps sties will be over many years, sometimes eighteenyears, twenty years and things like that, and it's good to see you guys. I no idea why you're still showing up, you know, butyou are and that's good. I heard this something here from New Jersey.I'm going to be going up to Mont Clare, where you at in NewJersey. What are what? I have no idea what that is. Thatthey're more Claire. They have any meetings up there. But about New York, the New York person. Where you where you're from? NEW YORK?Where the heck is that? Oh, wow, heavy duty, they said, people down from the front office to check on them. Too Many Fbombs. You know they do that down and now I'll be on my bestbehavior to night. I don't know, suposed to be on step seven tonight, but you know, I'm all up with the place. I wasgoing to do my world famous talking to a military that I never do itwith a crowd is small, and so we see how that girls, I'mlaughing all the time, you know, I just laughs. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know why I'm laughing. It's just Ithink when you have to mention this is what happened. I used to sayI've been rocking the fourth dimension of existence. Now I realize it's fourth dimension ofexist it's bad. I gave a great meeting. I gave this meeting. Already did this meeting. I did an incredible meeting this morning my car, I was driving for bad fifteen minutes and I just I got to tellyou something. I was so moved and inspired by the things that I saidand I want to tell you something. I pictured you guys. You wereamazed. It's like what they said with Jesus and the people were amazed becausehe spoke with authority, and I'm like it's probably was, just it blewme away. The meeting I did. I forgot the entire thing, butit was great. You would have. You loved them, you know.So I've already got it already done my meeting. So we're Gonna's gonna belike scraps, you know what I mean, leftovers do the rest of the fan. You know my standard deal. All speak for forty minutes on whoknows what, just whatever's on my mind. And last turing this, I'll talkabout the step and that'll be seven step in. So I got somethings I'm going to read out of books. So whatever happens, you'll get atleast a little pure a a, because you know you'll get some stufffrom the word here, from the book. I got some stuff I want totalk about and I've been rocking because we're really sort of like at thatpart six and seven. The truth is, and I've said this before, youknow I'm big. I'm big on the God thing only because the bigbooks big on the God thing and Bill Wilson. Dr Bob was big onthe God thing it, by the way, the whole thing is about the Godthing. Just in case I my opinion. But so that's why I'mbig on it. And and, but you know, Bill Wilson said,talked about the next front here being rocking in the fourth dimension of existence.Great fact that this and nothing less, which apparently means it's nothing less onthis, that God becomes the central fact of your life and you become absolutelycertain that he lives and in your hearts and minds in a way which isdeep miraculous, and you want to God to live in your bend because that'swhere your alcoholism waves doesn't look in the booboze. You guys have recovered fromthat. Singly hope is and the mind them that seemingly hope is stayed inmind. I know you. You know...

...the the I can't got stop drinkinghill again, stop drinking again, stopt. I came there because I couldn't stopdrinking. I couldn't stop drinking. I came tyrely ready to stop drinking. You know I was. I learned that there may be a power.I don't know what the power was greater than myself we storming a sanity.Apparently I didn't realize that, but what they were trying to tell me isI was in saying because you can't restored the sanity unless you're insane in thefirst place. And and I wanted, I wanted more than anything to stopdrinking. That's why Kevin here, to stop drinking. I wanted. Solet me tell you something. I wanted so much to stop drinking that Iwas wanting to go to any length. Yes, sober, I wanted whatthey had, and what they had was they were not drinking. I wantand I was willing to go to any like. You get it. Iwas so willing. I wanted what they had and I didn't even know whatthey had, but the only thing I knew they had, the only thingI can see is they weren't drinking and I was. And I wanted tostop drinking and I was willing that any length. I wanted what they had, the not drinking thing. So I was even willing to say this surrinyprayer when I didn't necessarily, understandably, we God. I was willing todo that. I was willing to do that. If you guys did that, I was willing to hold hand to say the Lord's prayer at the endof the meeting. I didn't fight him say I'm not going to say thatit's a Christ of Jai. I was willing to do that if that's whatit took in order to stop drink, because I was willing to go toany lengths. I mean that, God, they didn't say how to climb thematter. Horness, I'm just say the Lord's prayers at it. Youknow I mean, you know, I was willing to go, I waswilling to go to meetings, I was willing to get a sponsor. Iwas willing to do what the sponsor told me to do, most of thetime, you know, and you know sometimes I was. I was willingto go to any length to stop drinking. You know, and little did Iknow that if, over the next thirty nine years, if you goto any length just stop drinking and revelized, it will revolutionize your entire existence ofthe planet earth matters that have absolutely nothing to do with the Dragon.As a matter of fact, everything that I've done in order to stop drinking, from the first day I picked up my wife ship, the only thingit did was started me on that, that journey that DCR young talks aboutof having a profound personality change. You know, I remember Rowan Hazard saidto Dr Young. You know he was in the mental institution for a whilewith young and the psychiatrist, and he said to him, he said tohimself, it's in our book, our literature. I'd like to think mystory and the things I think about and talk about that I've learned over theyears are backed up by our literature. I think they are, and Ithink what he said to himself, I think the quote is this or somethinglike this. He said. Now, knowing the inner workings of my mind, drinking is impossible. Alcoholics are twelve, and twelve says UN lesson. Untilan alcohol accepts alcoholism and all its consequences, is he's what's going tohappen? Is He's going to he's not of no happiness, true happiness.In this program there apparently consequences to be an alcoholic that I've absolutely not not. I shouldn't say nothing to do. But is it about drinking. Andyou learn about these consequences over the years as you go through all the vagariesof life and the trials and the tribulations and me. You start experiencing alcoholism, we go through these bag and you start learning what the consequences are,because the first step and getting that jail is you got to know you're injail the first place. Yet the first step in getting out of jail theseyou have to know you're Jil you know, we talked about denial a lot.We usually talk about denial when it has to do with drinking. That'sthe one world most familiar with. But there's denial when it comes through itbeing a whore or in for money or...

...objects of things or basically surrendering yourintegrity through and your faith to God, because you're, if only earned it, yes, butter, you're running after the things of this world. Andthere's there's there's a denial in a whole lot of things. And these twothings that operate in your mind, not your body. And the truth ofthe matter is is I stop drinking, but was thirty nine years ago.I'm coming from a hoble state of mind and body, and so I haveit a drinking part problem for thirty nine now. Don't get me wrong,I understand that if I don't do what I'm supposed to do and says inthe big book. It says having made that decision, the decision for God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. This is big book stuff that saysremarkable things happening. He says he will give us everything we need if westay close to him and performance work brock well as am act with the bigbook says about this profound person knowledge of this thing. What a big booksays about it is it says it really what it looks like. What itactually is is selfishness and self centeredness, which is a weird sort of thing, because I was in denial about that too, because I didn't see itin my life because I thought I was basically a good guy. I mean, I'm not a serial killer. I've murdered everybody, which is pretty muchmy standard. You know, need to murder people bad. Anything better thanmurder. Okay, you know what I mean. So it's my stand.I think. I believe I'm a rationalized right tell myself rancialized. Believe Iam incredibly great at forgiving myself and give me like using for all sorts ofbehavior. It's not coming on things, for I see my bed you.So it's very hard to if selfishness and selfcenteredness and being driven by a hundredforms of fear, selfollusion, selfseeking, when you step on toes of othersand they retaliate exceedingly without provocation. But you soon learned that you made decisionsbased upon self being selfish. My sponsor said, let me, let mesort of like interpret this for you, because it's too nice to you.It says, it says the real base of our problem, root is selfishness, selfcenter. This drim my hundred before the fears, says what they're tryingto say. You don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. That's thetrying to say about you, which is probably my grandmother meant when she saidto me, in a very nice way, you know, Russell, you're basicallya good boy. I'm not quite sure what that means, but Ithink it means underneath all the Horse Shit, your cause and your family and thetrouble everything, somewhere down there there's like, I'm not going to decency, you know, somewhere in there, but only a grandmother for long,and so there must be a reason that. That's probably why they say, aboveeverything, we must get rid of this selfishness, we must or killsus. And then it says God makes that possible. So who am Idid deny God and the effectiveness of God, or what this program is about,what it says God makes that possible, or human power? You can't manageright way out. You can think the way out of this thing.Only God couldn't w if you saw it, you know, maybe find him now. There is one who has all power, you know. I mean, who am I to said run a new basis based of trust in God. We never apologize for God. Whom I? Who Am I to talkabout? There is, if a mere code of morals to better philosph yourlife on. It helps me. So a long time ago, power wasn'tthere, so we wrote a book. We have to talk about God.Here's ralphots get all crazy. This sort of thinking, does it not hasto be abandoned. God either is there? Isn't? What your decision going tobe? There is that name a decision? I mean, who amI to say that this thing has who am I to say, don't talkabout God, you might scare with you, but the whole problem is about God. I mean, you're going to where you're going to scare him tome just about. And if you tell where they going, you know they'rehere, is they got nobody, they're gonna don't go and don't come back, you know, with the different attitude. You know. anyways, you knowit's scare. Don't talk about the program you might hurt the feelings,you know, or something like that. So we went up to and soafter he drank, you know, because that's what alcoholics do. They tryto think the way out of this thing. Because if you if you don't haveto really do the God, then...

...that's not the Sass of the seventhstep. That you could believe in God. You can say you believe in God. You could sold. They had say believe God, but but yourbelief is barren, doesn't have any effect, you know, on your life oron your brain or anything like that, because you believe in God, buthe has nothing to do with your life. You See, I canput on a wet suit, if I can find one big enough, andjump into a pool of water and get out and take off the metsuit andI wouldn't be wet. And you can say you believe in God, butGod has nothing to do with your life. And the great thing about not believing, not having God do anything, not having God, making sure youkeep God away from really your life, your life, you understand, isthen you can have any type of sex you want, you cheat on yourwife, you can still money, you can do anything and you don't haveto feel guilty. You don't feel bad because because you decide whether it's rightor wrong. And if you're a good alcoholic, one of the consequences isis always a good excuse, is always a reason why it's not your faultand you're okay. But if there's like a God and you come to knowhim and believe in him and you know what he stands for, because thatmust because of me, keep it. If you're continuing and continuing over thepayer of years of improving your relationship with God, they may come a pointin time where he's not just the God in the sky or in the oaktree or something that he may be actually something that comes so real to youthat it's it's as real as Jan sitting right in front of me. Hecould be with you in your car, he could be with you in yourhouse. You know what he thinks, you know how to talk to him, you know what's going on, and then you pretty much know how yousupposed to discipline your life and what he wants or what he doesn't want,and therefore you basically have something that's gotten me through life. And then whatyou don't realize is his spirit that's working in you, as in the onlything you're trying to do is you're trying not to drink, one day ata time. But you realize, like Dr Young said, when when RolandHazard said, is there no hope for me? Because I knew in theinner words, to my mind, soil drinking, says, he says youhave the mind of a chronic alcohol I have never been able to help you. No human power. Know it's like. I never been able to help you. They have an invented a pill that will give you integrity. Theyhave an event in a pill that will stop look you see, you don'tgive a crap about anybody except yourself, and there ain't a pill that isa d not give a crap that that takes away the not going to aboutanybody acept yourself deal. They don't have that pill. There's no pill thatwill allow you to love somebody by Agra. Is Not a pill that allows youto have compassion or care for somebody beyond yourself. It just gives youlike heart on or something for about four or five hours so you can pleasureyourself. You understand? As my fact by aggre is a pill that Iguess I would use if I don't think we should about anybody except myself.Not. I only say that because I know it's going to Piss some peopleoff who are using it. You just, like I said, don't know whatI'm talking about, and I really don't, and so I take thatback, but not really. But not really, because remember, whenever you'rejust certain, matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. SoI have to believe. I'm seventy years old. You got to give me. I don't give a shit anymore, and so you gotta gotta you gottaunderstand. I think there's got to be something more to life than getting laidall the time, which is what I thought about. Between the ages ofsixteen and forty or something else. It's a long time to get rid ofthat bullshit. You know. Think that's the most important thing. Why?I mean there's some great phenomenal people in this world that people think of.That's phenomenal. Jesus is one of them. You know, you believe he's gotor not, or different people, and I don't think anybody whom,any people in the world applaud, people look up to, people that arerunning around looking to have sex. I don't think people really are people.People better of that. I'll looking on...

...the pleasure of themselves. Are thatbig a deal? Something on inspire. So so what what Doctor Young said? He said. There is, he says. He says, is thereno exception? He says, yes, there is. He said exceptions.Two cases like yours and like yours and like mind have happened over period oftime. They're rare, he said. We call him a phenomenon, aphenomenon which is like a science off word for miracle. We can't explain it. Here and there, once in a while these people change. He saysit's God thing, it's a spiritual thing. So it comes down on on whatthe book is saying, and this is how he describes it. Hesays ideas and attitudes. was ideas, emotions and attitudes which are the drivingforces of these men's lives, the Guid who courts of these men's lives arecast one side and they become dominated as a whole by a holy said ofideas, emotions. At to they're like reborn, they're like different creatures.And how was I to know? When you think about it, I thinkabout this. You know, I talked about experience because my sponsor said thatlittle ditty. When a man with experience meets man with money to man withexperience and walk away with the money and the man with money when we walkaway with the experience. I mean we're all alcoholics, so everybody has anopinion, a strong opinion, brain, nothing like experience. You understone sayingand over one of the thing that one of the things that time gives you. You know, staying sober for thirty nine years gives you. He shouldget to look back and you see the things from before. A lot oftimes you see your sobriety and changes in sobriety and you see change that happenedyou in the rear view mirror. As a matter of fact, you alwayssee it in the rear view mirror. As a matter of fact, ninepercent of time you don't see a first response to seas or other people seeit. You don't even see it. And then one day somebody's talking tosomething, throw it up and you realize, hey, I used to be likethat and that kind of deal, and you see that sort of deal. But after you know, you know, after thirty nine years when I fight, I look back and I see things, and one of the thingsI see is that, although I came in here because I was willing togo to any length, the step stopped drinking, what it actually did forme is it got me in a position where I was changing into that thathad, I was getting that profound personality change and I was being dominated bysomething other than myself, dominated by something other than myself. So unfortunately,unfortunately, there's anything that you see in me that's attractive, you think it'sgood, it has nothing to do with me because if I was up heredo talking, believe me well, I wouldn't be able to do the talkbecause I'd be worried about what I was saying, because I'd be scared ofyou, because I have fewer people, and so I'll be messing up orsaying all sorts of stupid things. It would not do to make any sense, not really penetrate, because I wouldn't be talking with authority. But I'mnot the one's willing to doing the talking anyway, which is why I'm ableto talk to a lot of people, you know, for a period oftime, because I never I'm because I always really upon God. I prayand I can say give me the words. So I said you'd say to helpother people, and he never comes to like Bob Bob said, yourheavenly father will never let you down. If you if you're the kind ofperson that had intellectual pride, they keep you from anything in this book.I feel sorry, fuse. Your heavenly father never let you down. Everyintellectual pride is really from you. Think a lot of people happen. Isee him and I seen in the alms everybody's saying the wrist prayer and they'resitting in the back, you know, and they're not going to say ifit goes there, too smart to say it because it's this or they justnot going to do it. I understand a little bit about defiance, alcoholicdefiance. It's a cheap characteristic of the deal and you know that's that's theI understand what defiance looks like an Aholic and you can say so, butthe truth is a lot of people say so for a long, long periodof time without doing these steps. And I know we all work the sameprogram I mean, I know you work your program I work for what.Actually, there's only one problem. It's not mine. Yours. Is Onlyone program none of us is working it.

I'm not working it, you're notworking it. The only problem we're working is is everything they say inthe big book, except the stuff we don't want to do. You know. So, all our programs is the program what we don't want to do. You know so. And and the bottom line is, as time goeson and you get more and more into the vaguies of life where you getcrushed and crushed and crush to crushed and crushed, all that's happening. Youknow, the way that we got to, in perspective, what it says instep seven is by repeating humiliations. The final pression of ourselves a goodefficiency. That's the way we get that's the way we change. It's I. It's right here. It says this. It says I'm step seven. It'ssteps will first following be dous, it says. Indeed, it says, since these steps, as the simpically concerned itself with, humility. Thisstep we shoup ports in to consider what humility is. Indeed, the attaina great humility is the foundation principle of each basing small steps. For withoutsome degree of humility, no alcohol can stay sober at all. Nearly alwaysare found, too, you're ready for this, that unless they develop muchmore of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety physical society,they still have much chance of becoming truly happy without it. They cannot livetoo much, they cannot live too much useful purpose or, in adversity,be able to summon the faith that can meet an emergency and the emergency.So it other ways. This is this underlies the base of all the steps. And how do we get how do we get humility? There's how weget it, says right here. Don't blame me if you don't like this. For us, the process of gaining new perspective was unbelievably painful. Hereyou drank to avoid pain. Right, you came in here to avoid pain. Their choice. There's the deal. For us, the process of gain. And if you have an experienced what it is to have fear, soberfear at three o'clock in the morning because you're worried about something, you justsay sober, little B Vonger, and all work out for you. Rustand I tell you that because when you do experience the unbelievable fear that you'renot going to drink but may want to kill yourself or suicide as a hospibleoption, or you thinking all sorts of bad shit about yourself and other peopleand can't get away with it, at least you won't Panck and you'll saythis supposed to be the crab that Guy Russell was talking that so it's notso bad. I'm just exactly where I'm supposed to be in two years,five years, ten yards and fifty whatever. For us, the process of GameNew Perspective was unbelievably painful. It's only by repeated humiliations, which bythe way, means more than once, that we were forced to learn somethingabout humility. It was only at the end of a long road. That'slong road, not short road. We're talking thirty nine years now and goingstrong, and of the long road marked by successive defeats. That's like morethan one defeat, and humiliations, being humiliated and the final question of ourselfsufficiency. They could have left that out, but they put it right in therethat we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of rubbingdespair. And then they point out, remember, that's how you got inhere in the first place, because, humiliated, you made the best decision. Your Life wasn't in your decision. Somebody had to dun to your head. You though your life was open. You wound up an alcoholics, anonymous, not because you're ryding the craft or you had all the money or anythinglike that. And then it gets in even better, just in case youweren't. You're not sure. It says this improved perception of humility starts anotherrevolutionary change of our outlook. Here's how we is that each this is thebook of James, this book of James Stuff, you know, between ninetythirty five and nineteen they said, really, I've seen a person of Philios thoroughlyfollowed up path, and I know I've said this before, but youknow, all good things bear repeating. Says, really, I've seen prisonPhillis thoroughly followed our path, and their path was a path that led themto be in rocking the fourth dimension of the existence, experiencing the you know, peace, you know, and their path was the one that gave methe promises and everything like that. You know that God. We see theGod's doing for us and their path between and they say, if you dowhat we did, you'll get what we...

...got. They say, really,I've seen in prison fills thortoughly follow up path in nineteen thirty nine and westarted in nineteen thirty nine. So after four years of sobriety, they say, you do what we did, you'll get what we got. And theone thing they weren't doing as they weren't reading the Big Book. Not thatI put down the big book. Obviously I know a lot about it.I've been reading it, I've haven't studied it, but but they weren't readingthe Big Book. And if you read R Botom and good old times,they said the books that we find absolutely essential. Our first with the isthirteen sermon on the Mount for the book of James. Now you don't haveto like that, you know, you can have your own opinion, youjust can't have your own facts. The books they found essential and the policethey have essential. Will first booking is thirteen sermon on the Mount in thebook of James, in the Bible. You don't have to read them,you don't have to hold hand sit lords for you don't have to do anything. You don't want to thoroughly follow their path, that's up to you.But I can tell you this. There consequences. There are consequences when youdon't follow the rest of it. You got to bake the chocolate cake andyou want the chalk cake. It takes like their chocolate cake and say thisis the chocolate cake we had. There are consequences. To not follow therest of it doesn't mean you're going to drink. You may stay sober,you can live a life applied desperation soever. You just not going to get thecake that they got. There sobriety and then there's sobriety, this rockingin the fourth reension of existence, and there's hanging in there. Now,you don't hanging in there, you know. You know. I got my sponsorfrom twenty five years. Are You doing twenty five years right, hangingin there. You know that deal. The same nother dress rehearsal is thereal deal. So it says, let me see what I've got here.Says this improved perception. And you know, these starts another revolution or change inour outlook. Our eyes begin to open to the immense values, theimmense values which have come straight out of painful EGO Cup a punch, Rad, isn't that great? More, beat the crap out of me again.Can't you make me broken again, please? Oh, I love this for closure. I can't wait to lose my house. Oh, thank you forthis divorce. Oh, cancer, bring it on, I I really appreciateit's really helpful to me. Now all eyes begin to open, the immensethat is that comes straight out of painful ego puncturing. Until now, ourlives have been largely devoted to running from paying problems. We fled from them. Is from a foot plague. We always wanted to deal with I.We never wanted to deal with suffering. We wanted to escape by the bottle. Character building through suffering, learning changing, maturing through suffering might be okay forsaints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us. And then we findout, and then I find out it's the book of James, Chapter One. Rejoice when you have trials and tribulations and suffering of every kind, becauseif you persevere, through that and you focus on God. He says hewill maturely your faith. You will, you will improve your conscious contact withGod. Life will become amazing and you will become entirely ready to have God. Only we move the alcohol, which was moved a long time ago.I removed the lust, we move the agreed we move the envy that youmove the back biding and the gossiping, remove the thinking bad crap about otherpeople, remove even thinking about yourself, and they'll be rocking the fourth dimensionof existence, life and become a joy. And we're going to help you alongwith that. Because what I'm going to do, what God says he'sgoing to do, is I'm allowed to live on the planet with your alcoholismat thorny, your flesh, which I'm not going to take away, andlife is going to be horrible for you. You're not. I'm not going togive you a choice. I'm not going to give you a choice.I'm going to make your alcohols some such that you will not be able tobear to live with your alcoholism sober.

Unless you change and turn to me. You won't have a choice. You will need a drink again or youlive a life of quiet desperation and feel prom you about yourself. I amgoing to be on your ass repeatedly. Like it says in the sixth step, become entirely ready, and says the people that do this that a separatethem from the boys. Those people are people trying to grow in the imageand like this, of their own creator, of their creator with the capital Cy. He said something that goes on for a lifetime. I'm going togive you a lifetime of crap coming at you that you have no control over, sometimes things that you actually cause, sometimes things that I'm just going tothrow at you, so that, unless you turn to me instead of turningto the money or turning to the woman, to turn to the man or turnit to the sex, you're going to go down to two. Butif you turn to me, you're going to change and you're going to berocking in the fourth dimension existence and you're going to get some points in yourlife where, no matter what life throws in you, it's going to belike situation commed and you're no longer to have bad weeks or bad days orany of that stuff. Life is going to be incredible for you. Don'tlet me read something so here's the deal. I'm read two things out. IDid Book Im talk about it for a little bit, and the firstthing I'm going to read this from a story called he sold themselves. Shortis on came two hundred and sixty six. It's one of these stories that acaptured my imagination. I kind of like it. Here's the deal.When I was scheme on, so you know, after I can look,I'm know I'm putting here so I don't forget this. I'm an alcoholic allmy life. I after thirty nine years of experiencing this disease, experiencing whatthe disease feels like when people disappoint you, experiencing what disease feels like when you'rein traffic. Experience what disease feels like when you're broke, your houseis support closed on. Experiencing with this disease feels like when your wife doesn'tretreat you nice you know. Experience what this disease feels like when you're runningto people that you know hurt you without any provocation spirits. Experience what thisdisease is like when you have all sorts of trials and tribulations. Experience Imade I'm seven years old. I came to whe thirty one, experiencing whatthis disease feels like, living life on the on the planet, when there'sfiring live bullets at you. That's and what it feels like and how Ireact to it and to sleep. This night's and the worries, experience whatthis disease feels like when you wake up in the morning. I've got badangles toes, these hips. Yeah, that I can't get it at mybed's kind of high. Can't hard to get can get into it, Ican't get out of it because I'm physically I'm a wreck. I'm not believinganybody said my you know, see, whatever it is old Asian myself.It's fine, okay. I also have that. My wife thinks I haveto mansion. She had me tested. Everything ducts out about that. Whoknows? Maybe it's wrong, maybe it's right. If I have dimension,what Hell's wrong with you guys? Can send them away. Say Bad.Like I said, this thing that was grating. You don't even know.It's part of the dimensions life. But at least I've just closed so inanything. So so what I do is I what I want. Of thethings I do is and and I'm not control Forrey, but one of thethings I do, at least I don't think I have as one of thingsI do, is I have this thing called outlook to those. I'm alawyer, so I when I can get ahead nothing. It was just me. I was divorced, I had one child that walked away from my wife. I was divorced, that had nothing scept me and my life was totallyunmanageable, totally unmanageable, and now I've...

...got a wife of thirty nine yearsfor children that I raised. I don't remember raising it. I see Isee people with four kids. I took me to this one. I didall the stuff. I say, man, I did that. How do Ido that? I don't remember. I think I blocked it out withso you know, I raised four kids. All the money that goes and allthe time that goes open this wife, four children, seven grandchildren, alaw practice, clients, judge of stuff like that. I got thestuff I got going in my life. Now that's coming at me from allangles. You know what I mean? You know all I goels is athousand times more than that was going on with me when I kicked up mymy chick and my left is unbageable. And yet I like wide, likenothing. I feel no pressure at a and I do the a thing andI do the church then and I go to two Bible Studies. I'm worshipleader this I do all that stuff. I got all that stuff going andit feels like I'm doing nothing. Does you like anything? You know.And and so here I'm. And so what I do is I write downon my my computer everything I'm supposed to do the next day. I makesure I got them all down there so I don't forget stuff and everything likethat, and May and I feel better when I have it all written down. And sometimes, every once in a while, I'll wake up at twoo'clock morning, three o'clock in the morning, not because I'm nervous, but hegoes, I have to go to the bathroom. Young people wouldn't understandthat, but it happens, you know. And once I'm up I can't getback to them. So I go to computer and I say that Imiss anything, I went down, I put it, I go back tosleep. I yet, you know, and that's what but every once ina while I'll be I'll be well, I'll I'll be doing life and maybethis happens once every three months for about fifteen seconds, and something will happenin my life which is totally unexpected. Now I have a lot of exactlymy mind that aren't expected, that I deal with, but something will happenin my life that is totally unexpected. It seems very bad and I'm ata point where it and it throws me. It hits me in a vulnerable placeand I feel for a few seconds and the best word I can comeup with is overwhelming. I feel overwhelmed. It's like that feeling I said.I mean I got all these things. I mean not many things do Imean sometimes I'll be driving home and I've had a long day and I'mdoing sy thing. I'm driving home on as anonymously and well, I havecome on the phone and say say, you know, I need you todo these sixteenzero things. You know, do this, do that. Shouldto be my instructions. And the truth is, I'll be honest with me, I'm not happy about it, you know, but I'll say yes,dear, fine, no problem, I do it, you know, andI do. That's not the thing. I'm talking about said, talking aboutthat thing that comes in I left the know that threatens your life when youthought everything was under you know, and I'll feel overwhelmed in my brain willcry out what the I can't believe, and I'm like overwhem because I don'tfor a second I remember what to do. What's happening? What's this going todo? I am totally overwhelmed. But what happens is because of thisprogram my training, everything I've got through with, sometimes in the first tenor fifteen seconds I start thinking about God again. I've come back to myspiritual basis and I just thought it's all going to be okay, because Ibelieve that all things work out good for those who love the Lord and it'sall going to I believe in God. I believe what these guys believe,that that Your heavenly father will never let me down. I know it's goingto work out. He's going to take care of you. And I stopped. But here's the here's the key, here's the cake. I think fora second. This happened to me recently about that feeling unders that because Inever have it. I never feel overwhelmed, I never feel scared or anxious,and I can tell you this.

After I stopped drinking, my anxietywas the name of the game. But I after I get rid of it, I start feeling I got I start thinking that that incredible feeling of beingoverwhelmed by life. And you know what I remember? I remember that that'sthe way I've always felt before I came Eve downholts an onus. I'm described. That happens to me once for ten seconds every three months and that's mylife up until thirty one years of age, and it was my life probably forthe next fifteen years. In alcoholics anonymous work in the program I hada feeling of being overwhelmed, not good enough, worthless, not worth while, all the things that you need to feel when you feel less than youknow. Doc Youngs's alcohols, not doc young Dr whatever his name is,the other guy. Who is he? No, I wasn't he. Theywrote the book. Man Against himself. Okay, who manager? Call Managerin the one Thousan nine hundred and thirty said when and women are alcohol alcoholica men want a route destroy themselves. That feeling being less than that,that feeling the shower when you're saying to yourself I'm an Asshole, already killedmyself to look around see who's in the shower, saying that. Being theonly one you know, and you know, I've that feeling of not being,you know, enough. You know what I mean, that overwhelming feeling. I had that when I was fifteen. I had that one I was eighteen. I had got in high school. I had that in college. Ihad that. I had that before I started drinking. I had thatduring the drinking. I had that after I stopped drinking. In alcoholics anonymous, that's the disease that centers in your mind, not your body. That'sthe deal. And I had that and I have it anymore, except oneseven three months, for fifteen secions. Okay, so well, that's thenext frontier, says alcoholic men and women who around to destroy themselves bubbles andsaid the emotional sobriety is the next frontier, he said. Would real alcoholism isit's unhealthy dependencies. Not Depending on what's an unhealthing pendency, not pendentcompound God, depend upon a girlfriend, the boyfriend, the husband and wife, money, a car, a job. What happens when those go away?Those get threatened. Her a basket case. Their baskets. Okay,this is on page to sixty six in two hundred sixty seven. I'm anend with this stuff. This is from this is the story you sold himselves. Short, these last eighteen years have been the happiest of my life.Tried of that statement. They seem fifteen of those years I would not haveenjoyed had I continued drinking, doctors holding before I stopped that I had onlythree years at the outside to live. This latest part of my life hashad a purpose, not in great things accomplished, but in daily living,courage to face each day as we place the fears and in certainties of earlieryears. Acceptance of things as they are as replaced the old inpatient shopping atthe bit to conquer the world. I've stopped hoping a windmills and instead havetried to accomplish the little daily task UN imported in themselves, with task thatare into a part of living fully. We're Dersian contempt and pity were onceshown me. I now enjoy the respect of many people were once I hadcasual acquaintances, all of whom were fair with a friends, all of whomwere fair with the friends I now have a host of friends who accept mefor what I am, and over my eight years I've made many real,honest, sincere friendships that I shall always cherish. I'm raided as a modestlysuccessful man. My stockt in material that isn't great, but I have afortune and friendships, courage, self assurance and an honest appraise of my ownabilities. But above all, above all,...

...yet this, I have gained thegreatest things according to any man, the love and understated with gracious God, who was lifting me from the alcoholic scrappy to a position of trust whereI've been able to leave the rich rewards that come from showing a little lovefor others and from serving them as I can. So that deal, thatdeal right there. So you remember this, you remember this show of the priceis right. Not even know the story. You know how they usedto have these things store one door to door three. Okay, that's that'sbehind door three. That's what's behind door three. And still I'm saying doorwand there's like a car. You know, this is good looking blas. Doortoo is a boat in a vacation and you know limited or something,that that's what's behind or three. So the deal is is that, youknow, you get involved in this thing and all you're doing really is totry to stop drinking. So you're doing is trying to stop drinking. Soyou're doing anything you can to try to stop drinking. And when you don'tknow is as you're trying to stop drinking. What you're really doing is every timeyou stop drinking and you turn towards God, every time you're worried andyou turn towards God or your sponsor, or, you start doing the spiritualaction. Whenever it disturb some's wrong with being. Instead of blaming somebody else, you start saying what's wrong with me? Every time you you do it God'sway, a's way. Every time you you feel like you're lost,but you turn to another, even being your sponsor or you pray about it. You don't had a sponsor who stout dinner. Anybody knows me, knowsall like the you know, and I'm sitting there my third sponsor. Ihave four sponsors, because they die on it. They're all temperary, youknow, they were all oneful men. They're all godly men and I'll havemany years, like forty, fifty years. And my third sponsor was Baptist preacherJohn Glenn, God bless them, with Lord now and he who usthroughout to dinner and and I would be and I'd start taking said what areyou doing? We being a restaurant. A lot of people say, Imean he says you can't eat now. He said we got to do things. You know bill, most of the guy who was it, I can'tremember the story now. It says I knew there was something more, somethingI haven't got, you know, something I wanted and I was trying tolearn what they had that I didn't have. And he says one day I wasse him with Bill Wilson Willis and said the Lord has been so wonderfulto me career in this terrible disease. Guy Got to keep talking about andtelling other people and he realized that bill was so grateful that he was soand he gave all credit to God and he said that was the king.He believed in God, to give all credit to God. He walked withGod, he spoke to God, he believe God was real. He waspart of his life. And so I'm starting and I'm with this guy.He's like seven years old the time and seventy five years old time and I'mabout he says, Hey, we got to give we gotta prayer, we'vegot to give him, you know, credit to God. And so Isit there and I'm ready for a short prayer. You know, thank youGod for and he's doing this long Baptist thing, you know what I mean. And and there's people around, and you know, when I'm doing I'mlooking to see who's looking at me, because I got the fear of people, you know. And then he, he, he does, he's finishthe prayer. You know that you got to this, that you don't knowwhatever it is. And then he says now, Russell, he says,listen to me, because these are the been a hung out with because Iwanted what they had. He says, Russell, and I'll listening to hesays now the food will taste better because it's God especially ingredient. Cheesy,stupid, stupid. You want life to have a specially ready. That's whatI learned about this stuff. That's all I then about doing stupid stuff.I hold your hand to say the words prayer, saying this ready for prayingfor before dinner. You know. That's...

...why, you know, you knowwhat happens when you hang around life, you hang out with those people.You start doing that, you know what happens? You didn't realize you're workingway towards door three. You don't even realize you're working way towards store.You see in alcoholics anonymous. If you're just here to stop drinking, you'reeventually going to drink or feel crappy or liver a life quite if that's theonly thing you're interested in. You Know Vision, if you've got to havea vision. This thing. I went to it. I fucking run intopeople. There are men and there are boys. The sixth and seven stepthey separate the men from the boys. There are boys and there are men. Ninety five percent of people, you mean they are going to be boys. Nothing wrong with that. I you start off as a boy. Somepeople actually become a human being. Some people actually become them. Most don't. Many are called, but fewer chosen. Now a road, broad highway,now a road. Few find them, of course, on this narrow road. You got to become entirely willing to have God remove all the defensivefact. You got to become entirely ready becoming. You become entirely ready tohave gotten. Move the booze. Now. You got to become entirely ready toremove all the other stuff. It's something that goes on for a lifetime. And on top of that, you got improve your conscious contact with God. Whatever contact you have now, you got improve upon and then improve upon. Go wherever you again to have to do to improve upon that. Goto Bible study. I did read the boy. I did, you know, hanging out people like my I did because I wanted with them, becauseI wanted to do when he said doing the book. You don't want todo it, then just say you don't want to do it. What isthat? That has to do with willingness, doesn't? It's not because it's stuporit doesn't make any sense. All I know. The only thing Ican report to you is what I did and what happened to me. I'mnot here to debate the logic of but I mean I was going for myPhD in Algebraic topology. I graduate the POBLANAS and mathematics. You know,I'm they graduating Lawso I'm not a stupid guy. Know all about logic.I'm not here to try to prove to you with this God and not.I'm here to tell you. I came in here and the only thing Ibelieved in was logic and the world and the things of this world, andI was a fucking basket case and I followed some guy who's told me thatif I prayed over the food, it would taste better because it now hada special ingredient, and I decided, I made a decision to believe himand now I'm at door three. So you know, you have to sideis it's your life, or you got to decide is what you want.And it takes a lot of humility, I think, especially when you're anarrogant asshole like me. I think it takes a lot of you know,I got the plomas to prove how smart that I've been educated far beyond thecapacity understand anything. Takes a lot humility to sit next to guy when hesays prayer and don't have a special ingredient to go along with it and thenstart believing it. You know, when you're an arrogant son of a gunand you think you're smarter than anybody else. I'm not here to debate you.You know some you want to debate me on this thing. You knowwhat I'm saying. I'm saying don't problem, don't worry about it, buddy.Go on with your life. You're perfectly you know I'm perfectly capped.Comfortable when you live in a miserable life. I mean I'm not comfortable with mynot sharing with you, like the Wilson said, what this book isall about, and I'm certainly not going to water it down because I'm worriedabout whether you like me or not. But if you want to reject it, I'm not going to sit here and suck my thumb and say what wasme. They might put me an Alan on, which is really a fade. Worse of day, my wife isn't that our ladies are perpetual revenge.You know what I mean. But when I'm wrong she probably admits that shedoesn't great tens. So God bless you. Thank you very much.

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