AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 18 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Door 3 @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

How we have rust this pass continuing this tour of speeches with us for the seventh week here. Yeah, thank you. Okay, right, okay. My name is Russell Stats. I'm an alcoholic, I mean member of the South Taxea Group of alcoholics, anonymous, and I have time. I should have a drink. Or have I had a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and it's good to be at this group. Is Always of then this bunch of times of this group over the years and it's a congratulations state on your night birthday. That's fantastic and I anniversarrated and I know a lot of guys who've been over the steps sties will be over many years, sometimes eighteen years, twenty years and things like that, and it's good to see you guys. I no idea why you're still showing up, you know, but you are and that's good. I heard this something here from New Jersey. I'm going to be going up to Mont Clare, where you at in New Jersey. What are what? I have no idea what that is. That they're more Claire. They have any meetings up there. But about New York, the New York person. Where you where you're from? NEW YORK? Where the heck is that? Oh, wow, heavy duty, they said, people down from the front office to check on them. Too Many F bombs. You know they do that down and now I'll be on my best behavior to night. I don't know, suposed to be on step seven to night, but you know, I'm all up with the place. I was going to do my world famous talking to a military that I never do it with a crowd is small, and so we see how that girls, I'm laughing all the time, you know, I just laughs. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know why I'm laughing. It's just I think when you have to mention this is what happened. I used to say I've been rocking the fourth dimension of existence. Now I realize it's fourth dimension of exist it's bad. I gave a great meeting. I gave this meeting. Already did this meeting. I did an incredible meeting this morning my car, I was driving for bad fifteen minutes and I just I got to tell you something. I was so moved and inspired by the things that I said and I want to tell you something. I pictured you guys. You were amazed. It's like what they said with Jesus and the people were amazed because he spoke with authority, and I'm like it's probably was, just it blew me away. The meeting I did. I forgot the entire thing, but it was great. You would have. You loved them, you know. So I've already got it already done my meeting. So we're Gonna's gonna be like scraps, you know what I mean, leftovers do the rest of the fan. You know my standard deal. All speak for forty minutes on who knows what, just whatever's on my mind. And last turing this, I'll talk about the step and that'll be seven step in. So I got some things I'm going to read out of books. So whatever happens, you'll get at least a little pure a a, because you know you'll get some stuff from the word here, from the book. I got some stuff I want to talk about and I've been rocking because we're really sort of like at that part six and seven. The truth is, and I've said this before, you know I'm big. I'm big on the God thing only because the big books big on the God thing and Bill Wilson. Dr Bob was big on the God thing it, by the way, the whole thing is about the God thing. Just in case I my opinion. But so that's why I'm big on it. And and, but you know, Bill Wilson said, talked about the next front here being rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. Great fact that this and nothing less, which apparently means it's nothing less on this, that God becomes the central fact of your life and you become absolutely certain that he lives and in your hearts and minds in a way which is deep miraculous, and you want to God to live in your bend because that's where your alcoholism waves doesn't look in the booboze. You guys have recovered from that. Singly hope is and the mind them that seemingly hope is stayed in mind. I know you. You know...

...the the I can't got stop drinking hill again, stop drinking again, stopt. I came there because I couldn't stop drinking. I couldn't stop drinking. I came tyrely ready to stop drinking. You know I was. I learned that there may be a power. I don't know what the power was greater than myself we storming a sanity. Apparently I didn't realize that, but what they were trying to tell me is I was in saying because you can't restored the sanity unless you're insane in the first place. And and I wanted, I wanted more than anything to stop drinking. That's why Kevin here, to stop drinking. I wanted. So let me tell you something. I wanted so much to stop drinking that I was wanting to go to any length. Yes, sober, I wanted what they had, and what they had was they were not drinking. I want and I was willing to go to any like. You get it. I was so willing. I wanted what they had and I didn't even know what they had, but the only thing I knew they had, the only thing I can see is they weren't drinking and I was. And I wanted to stop drinking and I was willing that any length. I wanted what they had, the not drinking thing. So I was even willing to say this surriny prayer when I didn't necessarily, understandably, we God. I was willing to do that. I was willing to do that. If you guys did that, I was willing to hold hand to say the Lord's prayer at the end of the meeting. I didn't fight him say I'm not going to say that it's a Christ of Jai. I was willing to do that if that's what it took in order to stop drink, because I was willing to go to any lengths. I mean that, God, they didn't say how to climb the matter. Horness, I'm just say the Lord's prayers at it. You know I mean, you know, I was willing to go, I was willing to go to meetings, I was willing to get a sponsor. I was willing to do what the sponsor told me to do, most of the time, you know, and you know sometimes I was. I was willing to go to any length to stop drinking. You know, and little did I know that if, over the next thirty nine years, if you go to any length just stop drinking and revelized, it will revolutionize your entire existence of the planet earth matters that have absolutely nothing to do with the Dragon. As a matter of fact, everything that I've done in order to stop drinking, from the first day I picked up my wife ship, the only thing it did was started me on that, that journey that DCR young talks about of having a profound personality change. You know, I remember Rowan Hazard said to Dr Young. You know he was in the mental institution for a while with young and the psychiatrist, and he said to him, he said to himself, it's in our book, our literature. I'd like to think my story and the things I think about and talk about that I've learned over the years are backed up by our literature. I think they are, and I think what he said to himself, I think the quote is this or something like this. He said. Now, knowing the inner workings of my mind, drinking is impossible. Alcoholics are twelve, and twelve says UN lesson. Until an alcohol accepts alcoholism and all its consequences, is he's what's going to happen? Is He's going to he's not of no happiness, true happiness. In this program there apparently consequences to be an alcoholic that I've absolutely not not. I shouldn't say nothing to do. But is it about drinking. And you learn about these consequences over the years as you go through all the vagaries of life and the trials and the tribulations and me. You start experiencing alcoholism, we go through these bag and you start learning what the consequences are, because the first step and getting that jail is you got to know you're in jail the first place. Yet the first step in getting out of jail these you have to know you're Jil you know, we talked about denial a lot. We usually talk about denial when it has to do with drinking. That's the one world most familiar with. But there's denial when it comes through it being a whore or in for money or...

...objects of things or basically surrendering your integrity through and your faith to God, because you're, if only earned it, yes, butter, you're running after the things of this world. And there's there's there's a denial in a whole lot of things. And these two things that operate in your mind, not your body. And the truth of the matter is is I stop drinking, but was thirty nine years ago. I'm coming from a hoble state of mind and body, and so I have it a drinking part problem for thirty nine now. Don't get me wrong, I understand that if I don't do what I'm supposed to do and says in the big book. It says having made that decision, the decision for God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. This is big book stuff that says remarkable things happening. He says he will give us everything we need if we stay close to him and performance work brock well as am act with the big book says about this profound person knowledge of this thing. What a big book says about it is it says it really what it looks like. What it actually is is selfishness and self centeredness, which is a weird sort of thing, because I was in denial about that too, because I didn't see it in my life because I thought I was basically a good guy. I mean, I'm not a serial killer. I've murdered everybody, which is pretty much my standard. You know, need to murder people bad. Anything better than murder. Okay, you know what I mean. So it's my stand. I think. I believe I'm a rationalized right tell myself rancialized. Believe I am incredibly great at forgiving myself and give me like using for all sorts of behavior. It's not coming on things, for I see my bed you. So it's very hard to if selfishness and selfcenteredness and being driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfollusion, selfseeking, when you step on toes of others and they retaliate exceedingly without provocation. But you soon learned that you made decisions based upon self being selfish. My sponsor said, let me, let me sort of like interpret this for you, because it's too nice to you. It says, it says the real base of our problem, root is selfishness, selfcenter. This drim my hundred before the fears, says what they're trying to say. You don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. That's the trying to say about you, which is probably my grandmother meant when she said to me, in a very nice way, you know, Russell, you're basically a good boy. I'm not quite sure what that means, but I think it means underneath all the Horse Shit, your cause and your family and the trouble everything, somewhere down there there's like, I'm not going to decency, you know, somewhere in there, but only a grandmother for long, and so there must be a reason that. That's probably why they say, above everything, we must get rid of this selfishness, we must or kills us. And then it says God makes that possible. So who am I did deny God and the effectiveness of God, or what this program is about, what it says God makes that possible, or human power? You can't manage right way out. You can think the way out of this thing. Only God couldn't w if you saw it, you know, maybe find him now. There is one who has all power, you know. I mean, who am I to said run a new basis based of trust in God. We never apologize for God. Whom I? Who Am I to talk about? There is, if a mere code of morals to better philosph your life on. It helps me. So a long time ago, power wasn't there, so we wrote a book. We have to talk about God. Here's ralphots get all crazy. This sort of thinking, does it not has to be abandoned. God either is there? Isn't? What your decision going to be? There is that name a decision? I mean, who am I to say that this thing has who am I to say, don't talk about God, you might scare with you, but the whole problem is about God. I mean, you're going to where you're going to scare him to me just about. And if you tell where they going, you know they're here, is they got nobody, they're gonna don't go and don't come back, you know, with the different attitude. You know. anyways, you know it's scare. Don't talk about the program you might hurt the feelings, you know, or something like that. So we went up to and so after he drank, you know, because that's what alcoholics do. They try to think the way out of this thing. Because if you if you don't have to really do the God, then...

...that's not the Sass of the seventh step. That you could believe in God. You can say you believe in God. You could sold. They had say believe God, but but your belief is barren, doesn't have any effect, you know, on your life or on your brain or anything like that, because you believe in God, but he has nothing to do with your life. You See, I can put on a wet suit, if I can find one big enough, and jump into a pool of water and get out and take off the metsuit and I wouldn't be wet. And you can say you believe in God, but God has nothing to do with your life. And the great thing about not believing, not having God do anything, not having God, making sure you keep God away from really your life, your life, you understand, is then you can have any type of sex you want, you cheat on your wife, you can still money, you can do anything and you don't have to feel guilty. You don't feel bad because because you decide whether it's right or wrong. And if you're a good alcoholic, one of the consequences is is always a good excuse, is always a reason why it's not your fault and you're okay. But if there's like a God and you come to know him and believe in him and you know what he stands for, because that must because of me, keep it. If you're continuing and continuing over the payer of years of improving your relationship with God, they may come a point in time where he's not just the God in the sky or in the oak tree or something that he may be actually something that comes so real to you that it's it's as real as Jan sitting right in front of me. He could be with you in your car, he could be with you in your house. You know what he thinks, you know how to talk to him, you know what's going on, and then you pretty much know how you supposed to discipline your life and what he wants or what he doesn't want, and therefore you basically have something that's gotten me through life. And then what you don't realize is his spirit that's working in you, as in the only thing you're trying to do is you're trying not to drink, one day at a time. But you realize, like Dr Young said, when when Roland Hazard said, is there no hope for me? Because I knew in the inner words, to my mind, soil drinking, says, he says you have the mind of a chronic alcohol I have never been able to help you. No human power. Know it's like. I never been able to help you. They have an invented a pill that will give you integrity. They have an event in a pill that will stop look you see, you don't give a crap about anybody except yourself, and there ain't a pill that is a d not give a crap that that takes away the not going to about anybody acept yourself deal. They don't have that pill. There's no pill that will allow you to love somebody by Agra. Is Not a pill that allows you to have compassion or care for somebody beyond yourself. It just gives you like heart on or something for about four or five hours so you can pleasure yourself. You understand? As my fact by aggre is a pill that I guess I would use if I don't think we should about anybody except myself. Not. I only say that because I know it's going to Piss some people off who are using it. You just, like I said, don't know what I'm talking about, and I really don't, and so I take that back, but not really. But not really, because remember, whenever you're just certain, matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. So I have to believe. I'm seventy years old. You got to give me. I don't give a shit anymore, and so you gotta gotta you gotta understand. I think there's got to be something more to life than getting laid all the time, which is what I thought about. Between the ages of sixteen and forty or something else. It's a long time to get rid of that bullshit. You know. Think that's the most important thing. Why? I mean there's some great phenomenal people in this world that people think of. That's phenomenal. Jesus is one of them. You know, you believe he's got or not, or different people, and I don't think anybody whom, any people in the world applaud, people look up to, people that are running around looking to have sex. I don't think people really are people. People better of that. I'll looking on...

...the pleasure of themselves. Are that big a deal? Something on inspire. So so what what Doctor Young said? He said. There is, he says. He says, is there no exception? He says, yes, there is. He said exceptions. Two cases like yours and like yours and like mind have happened over period of time. They're rare, he said. We call him a phenomenon, a phenomenon which is like a science off word for miracle. We can't explain it. Here and there, once in a while these people change. He says it's God thing, it's a spiritual thing. So it comes down on on what the book is saying, and this is how he describes it. He says ideas and attitudes. was ideas, emotions and attitudes which are the driving forces of these men's lives, the Guid who courts of these men's lives are cast one side and they become dominated as a whole by a holy said of ideas, emotions. At to they're like reborn, they're like different creatures. And how was I to know? When you think about it, I think about this. You know, I talked about experience because my sponsor said that little ditty. When a man with experience meets man with money to man with experience and walk away with the money and the man with money when we walk away with the experience. I mean we're all alcoholics, so everybody has an opinion, a strong opinion, brain, nothing like experience. You understone saying and over one of the thing that one of the things that time gives you. You know, staying sober for thirty nine years gives you. He should get to look back and you see the things from before. A lot of times you see your sobriety and changes in sobriety and you see change that happened you in the rear view mirror. As a matter of fact, you always see it in the rear view mirror. As a matter of fact, nine percent of time you don't see a first response to seas or other people see it. You don't even see it. And then one day somebody's talking to something, throw it up and you realize, hey, I used to be like that and that kind of deal, and you see that sort of deal. But after you know, you know, after thirty nine years when I fight, I look back and I see things, and one of the things I see is that, although I came in here because I was willing to go to any length, the step stopped drinking, what it actually did for me is it got me in a position where I was changing into that that had, I was getting that profound personality change and I was being dominated by something other than myself, dominated by something other than myself. So unfortunately, unfortunately, there's anything that you see in me that's attractive, you think it's good, it has nothing to do with me because if I was up here do talking, believe me well, I wouldn't be able to do the talk because I'd be worried about what I was saying, because I'd be scared of you, because I have fewer people, and so I'll be messing up or saying all sorts of stupid things. It would not do to make any sense, not really penetrate, because I wouldn't be talking with authority. But I'm not the one's willing to doing the talking anyway, which is why I'm able to talk to a lot of people, you know, for a period of time, because I never I'm because I always really upon God. I pray and I can say give me the words. So I said you'd say to help other people, and he never comes to like Bob Bob said, your heavenly father will never let you down. If you if you're the kind of person that had intellectual pride, they keep you from anything in this book. I feel sorry, fuse. Your heavenly father never let you down. Every intellectual pride is really from you. Think a lot of people happen. I see him and I seen in the alms everybody's saying the wrist prayer and they're sitting in the back, you know, and they're not going to say if it goes there, too smart to say it because it's this or they just not going to do it. I understand a little bit about defiance, alcoholic defiance. It's a cheap characteristic of the deal and you know that's that's the I understand what defiance looks like an Aholic and you can say so, but the truth is a lot of people say so for a long, long period of time without doing these steps. And I know we all work the same program I mean, I know you work your program I work for what. Actually, there's only one problem. It's not mine. Yours. Is Only one program none of us is working it.

I'm not working it, you're not working it. The only problem we're working is is everything they say in the big book, except the stuff we don't want to do. You know. So, all our programs is the program what we don't want to do. You know so. And and the bottom line is, as time goes on and you get more and more into the vaguies of life where you get crushed and crushed and crush to crushed and crushed, all that's happening. You know, the way that we got to, in perspective, what it says in step seven is by repeating humiliations. The final pression of ourselves a good efficiency. That's the way we get that's the way we change. It's I. It's right here. It says this. It says I'm step seven. It's steps will first following be dous, it says. Indeed, it says, since these steps, as the simpically concerned itself with, humility. This step we shoup ports in to consider what humility is. Indeed, the attain a great humility is the foundation principle of each basing small steps. For without some degree of humility, no alcohol can stay sober at all. Nearly always are found, too, you're ready for this, that unless they develop much more of this precious quality than may be required just for sobriety physical society, they still have much chance of becoming truly happy without it. They cannot live too much, they cannot live too much useful purpose or, in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet an emergency and the emergency. So it other ways. This is this underlies the base of all the steps. And how do we get how do we get humility? There's how we get it, says right here. Don't blame me if you don't like this. For us, the process of gaining new perspective was unbelievably painful. Here you drank to avoid pain. Right, you came in here to avoid pain. Their choice. There's the deal. For us, the process of gain. And if you have an experienced what it is to have fear, sober fear at three o'clock in the morning because you're worried about something, you just say sober, little B Vonger, and all work out for you. Rust and I tell you that because when you do experience the unbelievable fear that you're not going to drink but may want to kill yourself or suicide as a hospible option, or you thinking all sorts of bad shit about yourself and other people and can't get away with it, at least you won't Panck and you'll say this supposed to be the crab that Guy Russell was talking that so it's not so bad. I'm just exactly where I'm supposed to be in two years, five years, ten yards and fifty whatever. For us, the process of Game New Perspective was unbelievably painful. It's only by repeated humiliations, which by the way, means more than once, that we were forced to learn something about humility. It was only at the end of a long road. That's long road, not short road. We're talking thirty nine years now and going strong, and of the long road marked by successive defeats. That's like more than one defeat, and humiliations, being humiliated and the final question of our selfsufficiency. They could have left that out, but they put it right in there that we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of rubbing despair. And then they point out, remember, that's how you got in here in the first place, because, humiliated, you made the best decision. Your Life wasn't in your decision. Somebody had to dun to your head. You though your life was open. You wound up an alcoholics, anonymous, not because you're ryding the craft or you had all the money or anything like that. And then it gets in even better, just in case you weren't. You're not sure. It says this improved perception of humility starts another revolutionary change of our outlook. Here's how we is that each this is the book of James, this book of James Stuff, you know, between ninety thirty five and nineteen they said, really, I've seen a person of Philios thoroughly followed up path, and I know I've said this before, but you know, all good things bear repeating. Says, really, I've seen prison Phillis thoroughly followed our path, and their path was a path that led them to be in rocking the fourth dimension of the existence, experiencing the you know, peace, you know, and their path was the one that gave me the promises and everything like that. You know that God. We see the God's doing for us and their path between and they say, if you do what we did, you'll get what we...

...got. They say, really, I've seen in prison fills thortoughly follow up path in nineteen thirty nine and we started in nineteen thirty nine. So after four years of sobriety, they say, you do what we did, you'll get what we got. And the one thing they weren't doing as they weren't reading the Big Book. Not that I put down the big book. Obviously I know a lot about it. I've been reading it, I've haven't studied it, but but they weren't reading the Big Book. And if you read R Botom and good old times, they said the books that we find absolutely essential. Our first with the is thirteen sermon on the Mount for the book of James. Now you don't have to like that, you know, you can have your own opinion, you just can't have your own facts. The books they found essential and the police they have essential. Will first booking is thirteen sermon on the Mount in the book of James, in the Bible. You don't have to read them, you don't have to hold hand sit lords for you don't have to do anything. You don't want to thoroughly follow their path, that's up to you. But I can tell you this. There consequences. There are consequences when you don't follow the rest of it. You got to bake the chocolate cake and you want the chalk cake. It takes like their chocolate cake and say this is the chocolate cake we had. There are consequences. To not follow the rest of it doesn't mean you're going to drink. You may stay sober, you can live a life applied desperation soever. You just not going to get the cake that they got. There sobriety and then there's sobriety, this rocking in the fourth reension of existence, and there's hanging in there. Now, you don't hanging in there, you know. You know. I got my sponsor from twenty five years. Are You doing twenty five years right, hanging in there. You know that deal. The same nother dress rehearsal is the real deal. So it says, let me see what I've got here. Says this improved perception. And you know, these starts another revolution or change in our outlook. Our eyes begin to open to the immense values, the immense values which have come straight out of painful EGO Cup a punch, Rad, isn't that great? More, beat the crap out of me again. Can't you make me broken again, please? Oh, I love this for closure. I can't wait to lose my house. Oh, thank you for this divorce. Oh, cancer, bring it on, I I really appreciate it's really helpful to me. Now all eyes begin to open, the immense that is that comes straight out of painful ego puncturing. Until now, our lives have been largely devoted to running from paying problems. We fled from them. Is from a foot plague. We always wanted to deal with I. We never wanted to deal with suffering. We wanted to escape by the bottle. Character building through suffering, learning changing, maturing through suffering might be okay for saints, but it certainly didn't appeal to us. And then we find out, and then I find out it's the book of James, Chapter One. Rejoice when you have trials and tribulations and suffering of every kind, because if you persevere, through that and you focus on God. He says he will maturely your faith. You will, you will improve your conscious contact with God. Life will become amazing and you will become entirely ready to have God. Only we move the alcohol, which was moved a long time ago. I removed the lust, we move the agreed we move the envy that you move the back biding and the gossiping, remove the thinking bad crap about other people, remove even thinking about yourself, and they'll be rocking the fourth dimension of existence, life and become a joy. And we're going to help you along with that. Because what I'm going to do, what God says he's going to do, is I'm allowed to live on the planet with your alcoholism at thorny, your flesh, which I'm not going to take away, and life is going to be horrible for you. You're not. I'm not going to give you a choice. I'm not going to give you a choice. I'm going to make your alcohols some such that you will not be able to bear to live with your alcoholism sober.

Unless you change and turn to me. You won't have a choice. You will need a drink again or you live a life of quiet desperation and feel prom you about yourself. I am going to be on your ass repeatedly. Like it says in the sixth step, become entirely ready, and says the people that do this that a separate them from the boys. Those people are people trying to grow in the image and like this, of their own creator, of their creator with the capital Cy. He said something that goes on for a lifetime. I'm going to give you a lifetime of crap coming at you that you have no control over, sometimes things that you actually cause, sometimes things that I'm just going to throw at you, so that, unless you turn to me instead of turning to the money or turning to the woman, to turn to the man or turn it to the sex, you're going to go down to two. But if you turn to me, you're going to change and you're going to be rocking in the fourth dimension existence and you're going to get some points in your life where, no matter what life throws in you, it's going to be like situation commed and you're no longer to have bad weeks or bad days or any of that stuff. Life is going to be incredible for you. Don't let me read something so here's the deal. I'm read two things out. I Did Book Im talk about it for a little bit, and the first thing I'm going to read this from a story called he sold themselves. Short is on came two hundred and sixty six. It's one of these stories that a captured my imagination. I kind of like it. Here's the deal. When I was scheme on, so you know, after I can look, I'm know I'm putting here so I don't forget this. I'm an alcoholic all my life. I after thirty nine years of experiencing this disease, experiencing what the disease feels like when people disappoint you, experiencing what disease feels like when you're in traffic. Experience what disease feels like when you're broke, your house is support closed on. Experiencing with this disease feels like when your wife doesn't retreat you nice you know. Experience what this disease feels like when you're running to people that you know hurt you without any provocation spirits. Experience what this disease is like when you have all sorts of trials and tribulations. Experience I made I'm seven years old. I came to whe thirty one, experiencing what this disease feels like, living life on the on the planet, when there's firing live bullets at you. That's and what it feels like and how I react to it and to sleep. This night's and the worries, experience what this disease feels like when you wake up in the morning. I've got bad angles toes, these hips. Yeah, that I can't get it at my bed's kind of high. Can't hard to get can get into it, I can't get out of it because I'm physically I'm a wreck. I'm not believing anybody said my you know, see, whatever it is old Asian myself. It's fine, okay. I also have that. My wife thinks I have to mansion. She had me tested. Everything ducts out about that. Who knows? Maybe it's wrong, maybe it's right. If I have dimension, what Hell's wrong with you guys? Can send them away. Say Bad. Like I said, this thing that was grating. You don't even know. It's part of the dimensions life. But at least I've just closed so in anything. So so what I do is I what I want. Of the things I do is and and I'm not control Forrey, but one of the things I do, at least I don't think I have as one of things I do, is I have this thing called outlook to those. I'm a lawyer, so I when I can get ahead nothing. It was just me. I was divorced, I had one child that walked away from my wife. I was divorced, that had nothing scept me and my life was totally unmanageable, totally unmanageable, and now I've...

...got a wife of thirty nine years for children that I raised. I don't remember raising it. I see I see people with four kids. I took me to this one. I did all the stuff. I say, man, I did that. How do I do that? I don't remember. I think I blocked it out with so you know, I raised four kids. All the money that goes and all the time that goes open this wife, four children, seven grandchildren, a law practice, clients, judge of stuff like that. I got the stuff I got going in my life. Now that's coming at me from all angles. You know what I mean? You know all I goels is a thousand times more than that was going on with me when I kicked up my my chick and my left is unbageable. And yet I like wide, like nothing. I feel no pressure at a and I do the a thing and I do the church then and I go to two Bible Studies. I'm worship leader this I do all that stuff. I got all that stuff going and it feels like I'm doing nothing. Does you like anything? You know. And and so here I'm. And so what I do is I write down on my my computer everything I'm supposed to do the next day. I make sure I got them all down there so I don't forget stuff and everything like that, and May and I feel better when I have it all written down. And sometimes, every once in a while, I'll wake up at two o'clock morning, three o'clock in the morning, not because I'm nervous, but he goes, I have to go to the bathroom. Young people wouldn't understand that, but it happens, you know. And once I'm up I can't get back to them. So I go to computer and I say that I miss anything, I went down, I put it, I go back to sleep. I yet, you know, and that's what but every once in a while I'll be I'll be well, I'll I'll be doing life and maybe this happens once every three months for about fifteen seconds, and something will happen in my life which is totally unexpected. Now I have a lot of exactly my mind that aren't expected, that I deal with, but something will happen in my life that is totally unexpected. It seems very bad and I'm at a point where it and it throws me. It hits me in a vulnerable place and I feel for a few seconds and the best word I can come up with is overwhelming. I feel overwhelmed. It's like that feeling I said. I mean I got all these things. I mean not many things do I mean sometimes I'll be driving home and I've had a long day and I'm doing sy thing. I'm driving home on as anonymously and well, I have come on the phone and say say, you know, I need you to do these sixteenzero things. You know, do this, do that. Should to be my instructions. And the truth is, I'll be honest with me, I'm not happy about it, you know, but I'll say yes, dear, fine, no problem, I do it, you know, and I do. That's not the thing. I'm talking about said, talking about that thing that comes in I left the know that threatens your life when you thought everything was under you know, and I'll feel overwhelmed in my brain will cry out what the I can't believe, and I'm like overwhem because I don't for a second I remember what to do. What's happening? What's this going to do? I am totally overwhelmed. But what happens is because of this program my training, everything I've got through with, sometimes in the first ten or fifteen seconds I start thinking about God again. I've come back to my spiritual basis and I just thought it's all going to be okay, because I believe that all things work out good for those who love the Lord and it's all going to I believe in God. I believe what these guys believe, that that Your heavenly father will never let me down. I know it's going to work out. He's going to take care of you. And I stopped. But here's the here's the key, here's the cake. I think for a second. This happened to me recently about that feeling unders that because I never have it. I never feel overwhelmed, I never feel scared or anxious, and I can tell you this.

After I stopped drinking, my anxiety was the name of the game. But I after I get rid of it, I start feeling I got I start thinking that that incredible feeling of being overwhelmed by life. And you know what I remember? I remember that that's the way I've always felt before I came Eve downholts an onus. I'm described. That happens to me once for ten seconds every three months and that's my life up until thirty one years of age, and it was my life probably for the next fifteen years. In alcoholics anonymous work in the program I had a feeling of being overwhelmed, not good enough, worthless, not worth while, all the things that you need to feel when you feel less than you know. Doc Youngs's alcohols, not doc young Dr whatever his name is, the other guy. Who is he? No, I wasn't he. They wrote the book. Man Against himself. Okay, who manager? Call Manager in the one Thousan nine hundred and thirty said when and women are alcohol alcoholic a men want a route destroy themselves. That feeling being less than that, that feeling the shower when you're saying to yourself I'm an Asshole, already killed myself to look around see who's in the shower, saying that. Being the only one you know, and you know, I've that feeling of not being, you know, enough. You know what I mean, that overwhelming feeling. I had that when I was fifteen. I had that one I was eighteen. I had got in high school. I had that in college. I had that. I had that before I started drinking. I had that during the drinking. I had that after I stopped drinking. In alcoholics anonymous, that's the disease that centers in your mind, not your body. That's the deal. And I had that and I have it anymore, except one seven three months, for fifteen secions. Okay, so well, that's the next frontier, says alcoholic men and women who around to destroy themselves bubbles and said the emotional sobriety is the next frontier, he said. Would real alcoholism is it's unhealthy dependencies. Not Depending on what's an unhealthing pendency, not pendent compound God, depend upon a girlfriend, the boyfriend, the husband and wife, money, a car, a job. What happens when those go away? Those get threatened. Her a basket case. Their baskets. Okay, this is on page to sixty six in two hundred sixty seven. I'm an end with this stuff. This is from this is the story you sold himselves. Short, these last eighteen years have been the happiest of my life. Tried of that statement. They seem fifteen of those years I would not have enjoyed had I continued drinking, doctors holding before I stopped that I had only three years at the outside to live. This latest part of my life has had a purpose, not in great things accomplished, but in daily living, courage to face each day as we place the fears and in certainties of earlier years. Acceptance of things as they are as replaced the old inpatient shopping at the bit to conquer the world. I've stopped hoping a windmills and instead have tried to accomplish the little daily task UN imported in themselves, with task that are into a part of living fully. We're Dersian contempt and pity were once shown me. I now enjoy the respect of many people were once I had casual acquaintances, all of whom were fair with a friends, all of whom were fair with the friends I now have a host of friends who accept me for what I am, and over my eight years I've made many real, honest, sincere friendships that I shall always cherish. I'm raided as a modestly successful man. My stockt in material that isn't great, but I have a fortune and friendships, courage, self assurance and an honest appraise of my own abilities. But above all, above all,...

...yet this, I have gained the greatest things according to any man, the love and understated with gracious God, who was lifting me from the alcoholic scrappy to a position of trust where I've been able to leave the rich rewards that come from showing a little love for others and from serving them as I can. So that deal, that deal right there. So you remember this, you remember this show of the price is right. Not even know the story. You know how they used to have these things store one door to door three. Okay, that's that's behind door three. That's what's behind door three. And still I'm saying door wand there's like a car. You know, this is good looking blas. Door too is a boat in a vacation and you know limited or something, that that's what's behind or three. So the deal is is that, you know, you get involved in this thing and all you're doing really is to try to stop drinking. So you're doing is trying to stop drinking. So you're doing anything you can to try to stop drinking. And when you don't know is as you're trying to stop drinking. What you're really doing is every time you stop drinking and you turn towards God, every time you're worried and you turn towards God or your sponsor, or, you start doing the spiritual action. Whenever it disturb some's wrong with being. Instead of blaming somebody else, you start saying what's wrong with me? Every time you you do it God's way, a's way. Every time you you feel like you're lost, but you turn to another, even being your sponsor or you pray about it. You don't had a sponsor who stout dinner. Anybody knows me, knows all like the you know, and I'm sitting there my third sponsor. I have four sponsors, because they die on it. They're all temperary, you know, they were all oneful men. They're all godly men and I'll have many years, like forty, fifty years. And my third sponsor was Baptist preacher John Glenn, God bless them, with Lord now and he who us throughout to dinner and and I would be and I'd start taking said what are you doing? We being a restaurant. A lot of people say, I mean he says you can't eat now. He said we got to do things. You know bill, most of the guy who was it, I can't remember the story now. It says I knew there was something more, something I haven't got, you know, something I wanted and I was trying to learn what they had that I didn't have. And he says one day I was se him with Bill Wilson Willis and said the Lord has been so wonderful to me career in this terrible disease. Guy Got to keep talking about and telling other people and he realized that bill was so grateful that he was so and he gave all credit to God and he said that was the king. He believed in God, to give all credit to God. He walked with God, he spoke to God, he believe God was real. He was part of his life. And so I'm starting and I'm with this guy. He's like seven years old the time and seventy five years old time and I'm about he says, Hey, we got to give we gotta prayer, we've got to give him, you know, credit to God. And so I sit there and I'm ready for a short prayer. You know, thank you God for and he's doing this long Baptist thing, you know what I mean. And and there's people around, and you know, when I'm doing I'm looking to see who's looking at me, because I got the fear of people, you know. And then he, he, he does, he's finish the prayer. You know that you got to this, that you don't know whatever it is. And then he says now, Russell, he says, listen to me, because these are the been a hung out with because I wanted what they had. He says, Russell, and I'll listening to he says now the food will taste better because it's God especially ingredient. Cheesy, stupid, stupid. You want life to have a specially ready. That's what I learned about this stuff. That's all I then about doing stupid stuff. I hold your hand to say the words prayer, saying this ready for praying for before dinner. You know. That's...

...why, you know, you know what happens when you hang around life, you hang out with those people. You start doing that, you know what happens? You didn't realize you're working way towards door three. You don't even realize you're working way towards store. You see in alcoholics anonymous. If you're just here to stop drinking, you're eventually going to drink or feel crappy or liver a life quite if that's the only thing you're interested in. You Know Vision, if you've got to have a vision. This thing. I went to it. I fucking run into people. There are men and there are boys. The sixth and seven step they separate the men from the boys. There are boys and there are men. Ninety five percent of people, you mean they are going to be boys. Nothing wrong with that. I you start off as a boy. Some people actually become a human being. Some people actually become them. Most don't. Many are called, but fewer chosen. Now a road, broad highway, now a road. Few find them, of course, on this narrow road. You got to become entirely willing to have God remove all the defensive fact. You got to become entirely ready becoming. You become entirely ready to have gotten. Move the booze. Now. You got to become entirely ready to remove all the other stuff. It's something that goes on for a lifetime. And on top of that, you got improve your conscious contact with God. Whatever contact you have now, you got improve upon and then improve upon. Go wherever you again to have to do to improve upon that. Go to Bible study. I did read the boy. I did, you know, hanging out people like my I did because I wanted with them, because I wanted to do when he said doing the book. You don't want to do it, then just say you don't want to do it. What is that? That has to do with willingness, doesn't? It's not because it's stupor it doesn't make any sense. All I know. The only thing I can report to you is what I did and what happened to me. I'm not here to debate the logic of but I mean I was going for my PhD in Algebraic topology. I graduate the POBLANAS and mathematics. You know, I'm they graduating Lawso I'm not a stupid guy. Know all about logic. I'm not here to try to prove to you with this God and not. I'm here to tell you. I came in here and the only thing I believed in was logic and the world and the things of this world, and I was a fucking basket case and I followed some guy who's told me that if I prayed over the food, it would taste better because it now had a special ingredient, and I decided, I made a decision to believe him and now I'm at door three. So you know, you have to side is it's your life, or you got to decide is what you want. And it takes a lot of humility, I think, especially when you're an arrogant asshole like me. I think it takes a lot of you know, I got the plomas to prove how smart that I've been educated far beyond the capacity understand anything. Takes a lot humility to sit next to guy when he says prayer and don't have a special ingredient to go along with it and then start believing it. You know, when you're an arrogant son of a gun and you think you're smarter than anybody else. I'm not here to debate you. You know some you want to debate me on this thing. You know what I'm saying. I'm saying don't problem, don't worry about it, buddy. Go on with your life. You're perfectly you know I'm perfectly capped. Comfortable when you live in a miserable life. I mean I'm not comfortable with my not sharing with you, like the Wilson said, what this book is all about, and I'm certainly not going to water it down because I'm worried about whether you like me or not. But if you want to reject it, I'm not going to sit here and suck my thumb and say what was me. They might put me an Alan on, which is really a fade. Worse of day, my wife isn't that our ladies are perpetual revenge. You know what I mean. But when I'm wrong she probably admits that she doesn't great tens. So God bless you. Thank you very much.

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