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Episode 18 · 1 year ago
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Episode 18 · 1 year ago
Russell S - Door 3 @ Life Is Good Group 2020
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Ow Yo os with us for the seven week:Yeheahyouayrigt, okay, my name's Russes Bats, I'm analcoholic member of the Otrosnoma, I Tom esv D,or have I had a drink since January, twenty o oe thousand nine hundred andeighty one and it's Ge, be at this group- is allway Omthim. This buncho times of this group Ov withyears and Thi Congratulation Saye, Mendo night birthday s fantastic niheanniversary, and I know a lot of guys have been over the steps sergienly overmany years, sometimes eighteen years, twenty years, and things like that andit's goot to see guys Li, no idea why you're still showing up you know, but you are and that's good.I hear theres some here from New Jersey, wet. I woulde been going up to Monttarwherere you IIN New Jersey, wit Li Ha. What I have no idea hat, that is, thatnear Mon Clar, ever meeting Somethie, but not New York, the New York person,where you, where re you from in New York. Where Act? U, oh every duty, they sent people down from the frontoffice to check onter too many ffoms. You know they doThatyou Knowi on my usaonight. I don't know it' supposed to be on stepseven tonight, but you know I'm Oll ov with a PLAC OMO that I was going to do my wel famoustalkintobility, but I never deal with the Crowdi Mam and Soo se at CS, I'm laughing all the time. You know Ijust Lak, I don't knowit. I don't know why. I'M LEUGHING! It's just I thinkwhen you have domention is what happened. I used to say IV en ro Fort Dimensionof existuns. Now I realize his forth dimension that I gave a great meaning. I gavethis meeting alreay. Did this me. I did an incredible Menin Tismorne in my car I was driving for bad fifteen minutesand I just I got to take home. I was so moved and inspired by the things that I said, and I wantto tol you something I pictured you guys. You were Amaz, it's like whatthey said. WIT JES and the people were amazed ECAUS. He spoke with Authorty.No, like is Brit. It was just it blew me away to mean I did. I forgot theentire thing, but it was great you would have waut you loved it. You knowso I've already gotten already done my meeting so we're gonna is gonna, belike scraps. You know what I mean leftover o do the rest of the FA. Youknow my standard deal speak for forty minutes on who knows what justwhatever's on my mind and last timutes I'll talk about thi stuff, a Ha somen steping. So I get some things I'mgon to read out of he book so whatever happens, you'll get at least a littlePura a because you know Yo git some stuff from the word here fom the book.I guess some stuff. I want to talk about and n rocking because we're really sort oflike at that part six and seven the truth S. I said this before you Knowi a bigte gon to God, then onlybecause the big book, Stig on the God thing and Bill Wilson knuck about, wasputting on the God thingi by the way. The whole thing is about the God, then,just in case I my opinion, but so that's why I fig on it and and but you know, Bilmilson said talkabout the next front. R Bein Rockin in the fourth mension of distance way backn that this and nothing less, which apparently means Hatit's nothing lessthan this Tbat God haves the sential tact of your life and become absolutelycertain that it lives and your hearts and minds in a way whichdee, miraculous and you want to talk, live in your behind, because that'swhere your own cos and lives doesn't look at the movies you guys haverecovered from that single Y on and omind them that semly hopess did my. Idon't even you know, yeah te I can cot...
...stop drinking dil. I cant stop diingagain. Stoten I came DA is like woudnt to stop DRI and I couldn't stopdrinking. I CAM TILLY REA to stop drinking. Youknow I. I learned that there may be a power. I don't know what the power wasgreater myself. We just want me to Saturday. Apparently I didn't realizethat for what they were trying to tell me SAS, I was Insayne because you can'tdo restored to Saddy anless you're insane in the first place and- and Iwanted I wanted more than anything- to stop drinking. That's why I came inhere to stop drinking I wanted. So let me take something I wanted so much tostop tricking that I was Wonling to go to Englan Yo sover, I wantered whatthey had and what they had was. They were not drinking n and I was won yo goto Anyla together I was some willing. I wanted what they had and I didn'tenknow what they had, but the only thing I dew they had. The only thing I coansee is they weren't drinking and I was and I wanted to stop drinking and I wasonng to any WAN. I wanted what they had the non drinking thing, so I was evenwilling to save this Ri Farer Whene, I didn't necessarily understandaly O got.I was winting t do that. I was wanting to do that. If you guys Dida, I waswilling to hold on the savel Lord's prayer. At the end, he meeting I didn'tfind an SA. I'm lot going to say that to Chrisa G and I was willing to dothat. If that's what it took in order to stop Drenk case, I was Goin to go toanyblance I than thank God they didn't say how to climb e Matones Omn. Justsay the word sprayers that it you know I ea you know I was waning to go. I waswilling to go to meetings. I was willing to get a sponsor. I was willingto do wat the sponte and told me to do most of the time. You know what youknow sometimes H I was. I was willing to go to any lenth to stop drinking.You know, and little did. I know that if over thenext thirty nine years, if you go to anylength, just a stop racing anrealized, it will revolutionizeentire assistence on the plan matters that Hav absolutely nothing dowith the driver. As a matter of fact, everything thatI've done in order to stop drinking from the first day I picked up my whiteshit. The only thing it did was started me on that that journey that Dr Yum talks about ofhaving a profound personality change you knowiremember, Rolin Haard, said toDr Zone. You know he was in the mental institution for a while with Youm andthe PSYCHIATRISISTAN. He said to him. He said to himself it's in our book. IlLitera. Try I'd like to think my story in the things I think about, and talkabout that ive lend on peers ar backed up by Ol livrator. I thinkthey are, I think what he said to himself. I think the quot is this orsomething like this. He said now, knowing the inner workins of my bminddrinking is impossible. Alcoholis Ara, TU, hope says an lesson: toln alcohol,supas alcoholism in all its consequences, is hes. What's going to happen, is he's gonnahe's not gon, no happiness, true happiness in this program, theyre,apparently consequencs to being alcoholic that I've. Absolutely nothingN, I shouldn't say nothing to do, but it is it about drinking and you learn about these consequences overthe years as you go through all the bagories of life, an the cos on thetrimulations and you started stracing Alcoholis. If we go through these BAand you start learning what the Coun pices are becaus the first step, angetting that Jai, which you got to know you're in Jeil in the firsto place ethe first step of getting on jail. Is You have to know Youre Jon, you know wetalking about denial. Wnot, we usually talk about. Tanial wand has to do with Drinkin utthere's enil Hen. It comes to...
Orran for money or oujents ofthis, or basically surrending your intengitenand your favr to God, because you're, if only earna, yes, butter, you'reready to have good things of this world, there's there's a denial in a whole lotof things and these a things that operateed in your mind, not your bodyand the Trut of the matter is. Is I stop drinking Wen was thirty nine years ago, I'mcom from the homele state of mind tebody, and so I have ad drinking cort problemfor Thirtyni. Now, don't get me wrong. I understand that if I don't do whatI'm supposed to do and Okaays have made that decision, thedecision for God allsos of remarkable things happen this ti about stuff andsays Rmarkin Tin, sad. He says you will give us everything we need if we stayclose to him in the formers work rock well as AMERCA. The big book says aboutthis profound personalogy, an this thing. What a big book says about it is, itsays, and really what it looks like. What it actually is is selfishness andselfsenterment, which is a weird sort of thing, because I was in denial aboutthat too, because I didn't see thin my life, because I thought I was basicallygood guy, I mean I'm not seriou Fellin I'v Murdr, everybody, which is prettymuch my standard. You know een murder, people mag anything better than murder.Okay, you know what I mean, so it's Mostin. I I believe, I'm a rationalizer.I tell myself ratualized believe I am incredibly great at forgiving myselfand Givin like ses for also to be age. It's not com on Te. Try. I see mybitness, so it's very hard to I selvishiss and selfsendiness and be aDrien by hundred form, an FYEUR self dolision solcting when you stepontelevothers an they retowe e seemly with thaut provocation, but you soonlearnd that you make decisions based upon itself in selvish like sponsorsaid. Let me let me sort of like interpret this for you, because it'stoo nice for you. It says it says the real base of our problem route is selfsThi, sulfsendes Troug by Hundrend, forty fears O says whet they tryg tosays Yu, don't eer shit about anybody, except this. That's WHATM, trying tosay about you, which is problem at my grandmother met when she said to me ina very nice way. You Know Russell you're. Basically, a good boy M, notquite sure what that means. Biht Hi Means Im, Goen Eatt, all the Horse,Shit N, your closing your family and the trouble o name somewhere down there.There's, like I'm, not goinna decency, you know somewhere in there, but only agrandmother, fo, Ga and so and t ete must be a really a that's, probably whythey say above everything. We must get rid of this selfishness, bus or kills us, and then it says Godmakes that possible. So well, Bi, ten deny God and the effectiveness of Godor what this program is about. What it says, God makes that possible. When youin power you can Magou like way out. You can think the way an this thing,ohmy God couldn' Wuld, who sout you know, maybe find him now. It is one ofUS Oll power. You know I mean who ight have said, run a new basis, Tay sometrust. In God. We never apologize for God, wo Iwoam I to talk about an thersif a mere quota morals that have lost Your Life Whel, it helps us be solalong time ago, Powen wasn't there. So we wrot about to we Hav Tal about God.Hees randfoks get all crazy, thisis sort of thinking, heres a not has to beabandoned, God, eter Iser isn't whath a decision going to be there is that Namidecision I mean who am I to say that this thing has? Who Am I to say, don'ttalk about God, you might scare when en the whole problem is tbout God Imean Youre, Gointo wherre you going to Sgarinte Yo, just Bo Yo. Tell me wherethey going yeah theye here. is they got noboy they'regonnaol go on the come back. You know to the different attitude. You know,anyways Youreal Cardon't talk about the program. You might hurt their feeling oor something like that. So we went up to n. So after he drankyou know, because that's what auhols did they try to think the way I tissTing, because if you, if you don't have toreally do the God, then a not I csays...
...in the seven step that you can believein nod, you could say you'r believe in God you can Sol the handsaying lieveGon, but but your relief is Batt. It doesn't happen to effect. You know onYour Life Oron your brain or a nanthing like that, because you believe in God,but he has nothing to do with your life. You see I can put on a websuit if I canfind one big enough and jump into a pool of water and get out and take offthe vetsuit, and that wouldn't be Weck, and you can say you believe in God, butGod has nothing to do with your life and the great thing about not believingnot having God do anything not having God making sure you keep God away fromreally your life. Your Life, you understand is, then youcan have any type of sexual wone Yocht on Yo, Winyo, still mony. You can do anything and you don't haveto feel guilty. You non't feel bad because because you decide whether it's rightor wrong and if you're good alcohol quite of the consequences is there'salways a good excuse. There's always a reason why it's notyour fault and you're okay, but there's like a god and come to knowhim and believe in him, and you know what he stands for that most was ' keeping if youcontinuat continuing over the perio years of improving your relationshipwith God. Ther may come point in time, where he's not just the God in the skyor the Olk tree, or something like that. He may be actually some some somethingthat bcomes some wil to do that. It's it's as real as Jan sitting right infront of me, you can be with you in your car. You can be Whith, you, yourhouse, you know what you think you have to talk to them. You know what's goingon and then you pretty much know how you're supposed to discipline your lifeand what he wants and what he doesn't want. And therefore you basically havesomething: that's Goten me through life and then what you don't realize is hisspirit. That's working in you as and the only thing you're trying to do isyou're. Try Not to drink one day at a time, but you realize, like Dr YoungSedwin, when Rolan has't said, is there no hope for me, because I knew in theinnerwords of my min so Drak says he says you have the mind of a chronicalcohol. I have never been able to help you no human power. No, it's like. Inever been able to help you. They have an invented, a pill that will give youintegrity. You haven't evented a pill that will stout wok. You see you don'tgive a crack about anybody except yourself and there ain't a pill. Thatis a D, Not givemacrack, that takes away the nocumen pact. Hav AnybodyAccept Yourself. They don't have that. There's don't feel that don't allow youto love. SOMEBONE BIAGRA is not a pill that allows you to have comparsion orcare for somebody beyond yourself. It just gives you like hard onor somethingfor Abou four five hours, so you can plac your yourself. You understand, asMATTERFAC biagra there's a pill that I guess I would use. If I don't think weshouldhave a anybodyset myself O. I only say that, because I know it'sgoing to Piss some people off who are using it. You Ou Sai, you SA. I don'tknow what I'm talking about, and I really don't, and so I take that back,but Nottus emember whenever you just doesn't matter at what the cause issomething wrong with you. So I Hav to believe I'm seven years old you got toFenk o be ou gin, shit anymore, and so you gotta ounderstand. I think there'sgot to be something more to life than getting late one time, which is what Ithought about between the ages of sixteen and forty or something you know is longtime to get her. That Pole, Shit, you know, think that's most important thing.Whon, I mean there's some great phenomenalpeople in this world that people think of that's phenommitin Jesus one of them.You know een, believe he's, got or not or different people, and I don't thinkanybody of them any people in the world. APPAR people look up to people that are running around Lonin to have set Idon't. Think people really are...
...people that are on that Il lookingaround platur themselves with that Tigin Needem Somelin on his fla to so wit. Whatdocty young said you said there is. He says he says. Is there no exception? Hesays yes, there is, he said. Exceptions to cases like yours and like yours andlike mine, have happened on the period of time. They're rare, you said we callthem a phenomenon, a phenomenon which is like a Scientifal work for merica.We can explain it here and there once in a while thesepeople change. He says it's got, then it's a Spiritualy, so it comes down onwhat the book is saying, and this is how he describes it, because ideas andattitudes w a as it ideas, emotions and attitudes which are the driving forces of thesemen's lives. The guiding fourts of lheaceman's lives are past one side andthen become dominated as a wholeo by a wholy set of idis motions, adtudetheyre likely born theyr like different creatures, and how was I to know when you thinkabout it? I think about this. You know I talk about experience, because mysponso sat that little didty when a man Wen esprience men to mal with money Tan,they Hav Lily, experence, Ol lot away with the money and the Maywen Money Mor.What way an experience I mean Wen alcohol, so everybody has an opinion, astrong opinion bra, nothing like experience, Youunderston, say and alreaone of the thing that one of the things that time gives you you know stay INGSoker for thirty. Nine years gives you. If you get to look back, and you seethings from before a lot of times. You see your sobriety and changes intosofriety and see change that happen. You in the rear, viewmeror. As a matterof fact, you always see it in the rear movementr as a matter of fact, nineyears in a time you don't see at first your sponcoseesorar other people, seeit,you don't even see it and then one day somebody's talking or something wo opand you realize hey. I used to you like that. Hav Matcona deal and you see thatsoten deal, but I have to you know. You know. After thirty nine years on Qo dilook back- and I see things and one of the things I saey is that, although Icame in here because I was wanting to go to anwa, this Tet stop drinking,what it actually did for me is a Dopiana position where I was changinginto that that had I was getting that profound personality change and I was being dominated by somethingother than myself dominating by something other thanmyself. So unfortunately, fortunately I theres anything, then you see a methat's attractive. You think it's good! I has nothing do with me because wlotwas up hoere doing talking. Believe me. Well, I wouldn't be able to do the Toki, because I be worring about what I wassaying was like e scarter bcaus. I had fewr people, and so I think that's Sati.We saying alsoms of stupid things an not like any sense. None of reallyPenetrat, because I wouldn't be Talkin about Athart, but I'm not the one is willing to dointalking anyway, which is why I'm eble o talk to a lot of people. You know for aperiod of time as I never IV Deot, I always Relau on God. I prayand, I l saygive me the words that'm supposed to SA decid to help other people and it nevercomes to. Like Bob Dockbo said your havy problem will Nember, let you nown,if you, if you're the kind of person that had interrectional Prie, that Omayething in this Bo, I feel sorry Fou Your heavenly fo, an never lene downever inti much ol pride is really fromitan. A lot of people have at Iseeim an like seen in theaoms everybody's saying the lors prayer andthey're sitng in the back. You know and they're not GOINGTO say it goes to twosports, an say it because it is they just tuk into it. I understand a littlebit about the fins. Alchoifin is Che. Datorissm ofthee and you know that'sthat's. I understand what the fine lips like an alcoholic and you can say sobor. The truth is a lot of people stay Sol for a long long period of time.Without doing these steps- and I Kdon't we all Woret the same program- I mean-I know you work your Proman, I work whatt. Actually, this only one problemI's, not minrs is only one Roga. None...
...of us is working it, I'm not working it.You're, not working. The only problem. We're working is is everything they sayin the big book ixcept the stuff. We don't want to do you know. So all myprograms is the program minus. What we don't want to do. You know so and- andthe bottom line is says time goes on and you get more and more into theVagri of life when you get pushed and crush the prush to Pusan, but allthat's happening. You know the way that we get a new perspective. What it saysin Sep, seven is by repeaing humiliations, Oaplowith Prussin ofourselves, Oi Eficiency, that's the way we get that's the way we change its. Iit's right here. It says this. It says, like t tat, seven, its tat, wel fore,Tollin e Yo Tisit says indeed it says, since the sex O e simply concern itselfwith you. Nowau is that which uppoit Ino consider what Hemildais, indeed teAtanic Grat Emillion is the foundation winwol EAC, ogate fot set, but withoutsomething reading, noti no alcotin stays over all your the alway ephod toyou' ready for this that unless they develop much more of this prencousquality than may be required just for sompriety physical Spriti, they stillhave much chance of becoming truly happy without it they can not Miv toomuch. They cannot. Li Too much USABUL, partos or in adversity be able to someof the faith that can be in emergency any emergency. So in other words, thisis this underline to base of all the sets. And how do you GE? How do yougive you mility thes that we get? It says right here. Don't blame me if youdon't like this? For us, the process of gaining new perspective wasunbelievably tainful. Ocanheryou drank to a boid can righe.You came in here to avoid paying their choice. Thers, the de Brus, the process of GAM and, if youhaven't experience what it is to have fear sover fe at three o'clock in themorning, because you worr about something you just say, Soer a littlebit long, an what We'e down for you Brus, and I tell you that, because whenyou do experience, the unbelievable fear that you're not going to drink butmay want to kill yourself or suicide as a possible option. Wer Youo think inall sents of that Shit have O youself an other people. You can't get awaywith it. At least you won't panic and you'll say this. sumost t be the crapthat guy also was talking bat. So it's not so bad, I'm just exactly whet I'msupposed to be in two years. Five years, Tanen you filty whatever. For us, theprosegame ne respective was unbelievely painful, it's only by rapededEmiliations, which, by the way, means more than once that we were forced to lend somethingBot ubility. It was only in Te enrad mop, ro, that's long road, not short!No we're talking thirty nine years now and going strong and tof a long roadmarkd by successive difease. That's like more than one defeat andhumiliations being humiliated and the final pession of ourselfsufficiency.They could have let that out, but they put it right in there that we began tofeel the ubility has something more than t a condition of rubing this thereand then they point out and remember: That's how you got in there in thefirst place, because Ou humiliated you made the best decision, O Your LifeWasn' your decision, someboy Hada Gon your head. You thought your life wasover and you wante up and outtots anonymous, not because you're riing,the crast or you Kno, how don an the money or anything like that, and thenit gets in even better. Just in case you wat you're, not sure it says thisimprove perception of humility starts another revolutionary change of orabmum Yeu's Havn, this other Chek. This is tha book to James This I Boko Jamstuff. You know betwee, nine, thirty, five andnineteen. They said Really Iwas Sin Person. Fil was thoroughly folled, Opape know. I'm said this before, but you know all the things Barrypead saysrally: OPSEEN Prencofvillis thoroughly folve, our pat and the impact was a pat that led themto be in rock in the forth vention of Jes existence. inperiencing the youknow, peace, you know and their path Mas, the one that gave Meu the promisesand everything like that. You know that byousee Tha Godis doing for s and theirpath between and they say. If you do...
Wbat we did you'll get. We got, I say,really: I'Viosen Priconvellas therngly far Y PA in one thousand nine Hundrdandthirty nine was start n, housand, nine hundred N,thirty nine. So after four years of sority they said you do what we did.You'll get, what we got and the one thing they weren't doing. is theyweren't reading the Big Boe? Not that I put down the big book?Obviously I know a lot about it. I've been reading it, I ink studied it, butbut they weren't reading the Big Fuc and if you reatalk about e litleobvously, said the books that we find absolutely esensial our first ittingthirteen sermon on the mount or the Moe James Ye. You don't have to like that.Ou knowyou cn have your own opinion. Ou, just cant have your own facts: toboot.They found tessential and th the books they had essential when first bit isthirteen Seenn ount in the book, an Janges Ein the Bible. You don't have toread him, you don't have to whold hand, sit lords, pray, you don't have to doanything. You don't want to thoroughly fallowthat pant that's up to you, but I can take you. This erain consequences yourark consequences. When you don't follow the rest of it, you go to bake a chocolate cake and youwant the Chall Kack. It takes like their chocolate, gay and say this isthe chocolate cake we had your consequences to not follow the rest ofe doesn't mean Youe Goin to right. You may stay sover, you can live a life offive despiration somewhere. You just not going to get the hake that they got know. There's Abrian in this Sabrietthis rocking in the fourth vench of existence and there's hanging in thereow you dow hanging in Youcan. Have you know I gotine sponsfrom twenty five years? Owr You doing twenty five years right hanging in Ou,gnnhave that deal itthe, say: o Dress men es s the real deal, so it says saysthis improve perception of Youknowthes tots, another Revolutiono, changing our aflook. Our eyes can getto open to the immense values, themext values which have come straight out ofpainful lonkup, a punchrit. Isn't that great word breat the crap out of me again ancan't you make me Brob again, please! Oh, I love this for clothing. I can'twait to lose my house. Oh thank you for this divorce. Ohcancer, bring it on. I really appreciate it's really helpful to menow all righ to get to open the Imenge Bass. TA COME STRAIGHT OUT PAY FOR EGOcountry. Until now our lives have been large anddevoted to running compaining problems we flet for them. As from the FOT play,we always want to deal with. We never wanted to deal with suffering. Yo wantto escape by the bottle character. Building through suffering, learningchanging maturing through suffering might be okay per sants, but itcertainly tin te peal to us, then we find out and that I find outit's a book of James Chapter. One rejoice when you havetrials and tremulations and sufferof every timd, because if you perseperethrough that and you focus on God, he says, will matureler faith you will youwon't improve your conscious contact with God? Life Wan become amazing, you becoming tyleraded to have God owhen we moved the alcohol, which was moved a long time ago. I removing thelust e greed, Youmo the enemy, the backbiting and the Gosping wemove, thethinking bagcrap about other people remove even thinking about yourself andnoe wront him for to mention existence, Wi to become enjoyd and we're going to help you, along withthat, has what I'm Gon to do. What God said he's Gointa do is I'm allow youlive on the plane with your otholism tat thort in your flesh, which I'm notgoing to take away and life is going to be horrible for you You'e, not I'm not going to give you achoice. I'M NOT gonna. Give you a choice. I'mgoing to make your apcohols am such that you will not be able to bear tolive with your alcoholism, sober unless...
...you change and turn to Min. You won't have a choice. Youl leave hedrink again or you live a life o quite disepration feel crommy about yourself.I am going to be on your ash repeatedly like it says in the Sixh step,becomeentirely ready and says the people that do this that are separatethemen from the boys. Those people are people e trying to grow in the imageand likeness of their own creator of their creator. With the CAIAL C, hesaid something that goes on for a lifetime. I'm going to give you a lifetime of crap coming at you, then you have no control over sometimes thingsthat you actually cause. Sometimes things. I'm just going to throw at youso that unless you turn to me insead it turn into the money returning to thewoman to turn to the man or turn it to the sex. You were going to go down theto, but if you turn to me, you're going to change you aybe rocking in the fourthdimention existance n you're iging, to Importin your life, where no matterwhat life throas at you, it's going to be like situation, compen and you know, Om Goingto have bad weeksor bad days or any of that stuff life is going to be incredible. For you do. Let me read something Reto thing: a uon talk abotit a littlebit and the first timer read is from thestory coldly sal themselves short on cage, Udrd and sixty six. It's Okinthe stories that attacph of my imagination, I kind of like it. Here'sa deal when I was Emon, so you know an tranking Love II, Oniptt, Asoi dont forget this. I analcoholali after thirty nine yearsof experiency was disease. PRA Wat the IZs feels like when peopledisappoint you it's greasy. What disease feels like when you're Itraffic experience? What disease feels like when you're pro your house, ansupport close on experiencing wthis disease feels like when your wifedoesn't etreat be nice. You know it's Ber Wat. His disease feels like whenyou're runing to people that you know hurt you without inproplication asSvirit experience water is disease is like when you have allsos of trials, antribulations experience. I live I'm seven years old. I came on thirty oneexperiencing what this disease feels like living life on the on the planetwhen there's firing ly bollets at and what it feels like and how I react toit and the sleep thes nights and the worries experience with this diseasefeels like when you wake up in the morning. I've got better, is anhes Aani can't get it my beds kind of Ho. Ican hardly get Tan get into it. I can't get out of et ECAS physically I'm areck M, I'm not ging, a set. My you know whatever it is Ol Aso Myself, it'sfun! Okay. I also have that my wife Ins, I avetomension, she had been tested. Em Fon do so o t ihtif. I have temention what Hells Hollin you guys a Sittin Anowa IAIC, I said, is thing that was g. You don't evenknow that's part of dementionbut at least I disclosed so in an so. So what I do is I what I want to thinkI do os and and I'm not control fore, but one of the things I do at least Ithink I a one of the things I do is. I have just think Boul Outlov an OAS, I'ma lawyer. So when I cam Ga Ihad you notthing, it was just me. I wasdivorced. I had one an I walked away from my wife. I was divorced Ad,nothing cept me and my life was totally...
...unmanagement, totally umaginable andnow Igot, a wife or thirty nine years for children that I raised. I don'tremember, raising Hem, I see I see people with four kids. I took me thedish when I did all Stin. I said man. I did that. How did I do that? I don'tremember a I think I blocked it out. I was so you know. I raised four tads allthe money that goes and all the time that goes over this ire, a whife, fourchildren, seven Gradchildren, a Lon practice, clients judgand stuff, likethat, I got the stuff I got going to my life. Now, that's coming at ING fromall angles. You know what I mean you know. All libls is a thousand timesmore than that was going on with me when I pik them on my check in my lovesimaginal, and yet I like, why threw it likenothing? I feel no pressure and- and I do the a an and I gen to churchthem, and I go to two Bible Studies- INM worshin leader this. I do all thatstuff. I got all that stuff going and it feels like I'm doing nothing. DoeNee. Like anything you know, and- and so here I'm and SOM. What I dois I write down on my my computer, everything I'msupposed to do the next day. I make sure ive got hem all down there, so Idon't forget stuff and everyone like that. It Ma an I feel better when Ihave it all, winen en and sometimes every on ce in a while I'll wake up atwo olock I moring three block morning, not because I'm ervous co e goes ACO,Ote, Dat, younger people wouldn't understand that, but it I happen to Omand once I'm op I can get back to it. Soi Mi go to the buter and I say o MissAnything. I went down. I putit o g like tosleep again ye and that's what butevery once in a while I'll meybe probly well o Il i'Llbedoing life, and maybe this happens once every three months for about fifteen cents and something will happen in my life,which is totally unexpected. I lot exactly my MoD that are' expected T. Ido wit, but something will happen in my life that is totally unexpected. It seems very bad and I'm at a pointwhere and it grows me, it hits in avulnerable place and I feel for a few seconds and thebest word I can come up with is over well, I feel overwhelmed. It's like that. FEELW, I said I mean Igot all these things. I di not many things to do. N. I didn' Sometimes I'llme driving home and I have m one day and I': Do a Trenting, im driving homeand sit on e sleep and my wife will come on on the phone and say say youknow, I need you to do these. Sixteen thosand things you know do this. Dothat to be my instruction and the truth is I'll, be honest with you, I'm nothappy about it. You know, but I'll say yes, dear fine, no problem, I do it,you know, and I don't that's not the thing I'm talking about. I said talkabout that thing. That comes in an a left field that threadens your life when you thought everything was upthere.You know and I'll feel overwhelmed in my grade will pry out onthem can't believe and I'm like Oh wat,because I don't Er for a second. I don't know what to do what's happening.What's this going to do, I am totally overwhelmed, but what happens is because of thisprogram O my training in in I gon to II, sometimes I' e, the first of ten or fiten seconds I star think about goting. I I'e come back to my spiritor basis andI just thout it's all Bo. He Oday, because I believe that all things workout, good, O those who love the Lord and it's all on, I believe in God. Ibelieve one of these guys believe that that you're heavily fot in ee, Likyouown. I know it's going to work. Ont He's going to take care of you and Istop, but here's the here's, the key here's tetat. I think for a second this happenlerecently about that feeling understand, because I never Havit, I never feelonerwhelmed. I never feel...
...scared O or anxious, and I conten thisafter I stope drinking anxiety was the name of the game, but I after I get rid of it. I START Igot. I start thinking that that incredible feeling of being overwhelmedby life- and you know what I remember- I remember that that's the way I'vealways felt before I came in down Colt Oo- I'm described that happens to me oncefor ten seconds every three months and that's my life up until thirty oneyears of age, and it was my life probably for the next fifteen years inalcoholic anomas work in the program. I had a feeling to being overwhelmed,not good enough. Were the letest not worthwhile all the things that you needto feel when you feel less than you know drum as Alccol Timat, not dockyouon the doctor, whatever his name is the other guy? What was he? No, I wasn'tthey wrote the book an a against himself. Omanager O Magin, like you,thirty Si, but and women are alcohol Alhol, some en on around destroythemselves, that feelwil being less then that do in the shower. When you'resaying to yourself, I'm Gonto Ass, hole, orn and tol myselfin to look around sesin the show saying that Gos, the only one you know an you know, I'v. Thatfeeling of not being you know enough, you know what I mean that overwhelmingfeeling I had that when I was fifteen. I had that when I was enteen I got inhigh school, I had got in college. I had that. I had that before I starteddrinking. I had that during the drinking hive got after I stoppedrinkingin in I'm olsanones. That's the disease that centers in your mind, notga body. That's the deal, and I had that not havpen anmor en some one severthree months for ficting, sest, okay, so well, that's the next frontierhas alboltimetand women around to destroy themselves and don't Noson saidthe emotional sobriety s. The next frontier he said, would real apall Osaminises is unhealthy. Depenicins not depending what's an UNMELB fancy,not Hane Com on Gad, depending on girl friend a boyfriend, he husband and wife money, a car, a job. What happens to those Goway Gos getthreatd her tasking gays, a okay, this on page tw, N, sixty sixontwo hndred and sixty seven, I'm gn, en wit this Tuf. This is from this in the story soldhimself short. These last ing ton years have been the happiness of my lifetried to vex tat en may seen fifteen of those years. I would not have enjoyedHav. I continued drinking, not just foking before I stopped that Ihad only two years at the outside to live. This latest part of my life is ona purpose not in great tings accomplished, but a daily Livinincourage the face each day as we place the person in Soro Ese of rearlieryears, exceptance some things as they are, as he place the old impatientshopping at the bit Tocon of the world. I've stopped Chilken an windils andinstead IV tried to accomplish the little dairly tasks but importantthemselves: PUTTAST Aare, intripal part of living, Fuli wit, durition, contect, and pity Wer,one showmy. I now enjoy the respect o many people wel. Once I had casual pecesses all ofThom were fon at thefaall who were farwelthe friends. I now have an postof friends who exaptly what I am in over my eigt years. I made manyReallonis Sinc, your Freiship, that I shall always Chergh. I'm radard is abodestly, successful man. My stock materialtisisit great, but I have afortune and friendships, courage, self...
...assurance and honest aprase of myabilities, but above all, above all at this I have gained the Greaty stadeaccording to any man, Helovin upten, racist God, as lifting me from thealcoholics cracking to a position of trust where I've been able to Leav therichre mors that come from showing a little of for others and from servingthem as I can so that to Yol that Il right there. So you remember this, you remember thisshow the price is right, not e, know its storn. You know how they use OHAV.These things tor one to two. Do Three: that's that's behind dor, three! That'swhat tr Orone US like a car! You know this isGoo. Looking Li door to is a boat in a vacation, and you know Vimii orsomething like that. That's so the deal is, is that you know you get involved in the Sayngand all Youre doing really is to try to stop drinking. You doing is trying to stop drinking.So you doing at Cano, try to stop drinking and when you don't know is I you try tostop drinting. What you're really doing is every time you stop drinking turntowards God, every time you're worrying and you turn towards God or yoursponsor, or you staike doing the spirit, lax and whatever enster SOM wrong mee.Instead of blaming somebody else, you start saying at what's wrong with meevery time you you do it God's way away. Every time you you feel like you'relost Lik, you turn to anothing Mein, your sponsor or you pray about it. Youknow haw to sponsor weuse about dinner. Anybody knows he knows Il like the youknow, and I'm sitting there. My third sponsorI hade foresponses, because they dieon they're all temperate. You know theywere all munl en theywere all godly, an an all had many years like forty fiftyears and my virst sponsor was baptist reech in Johnle, Dob, Asson, ith ward.Now, and he we used to go to dinner and Andi would be, and I just Startton sa what are youdoing? Nrestaurant lot of pople Y Walon, he guy emember stoithere, was something Mo SomethingiHan't got. You know something I wanted and I was trying to learn what they hadthat I din to have and he says, won they. I was Saing Wen pill, Wilson,vill Wasnat said the Lord has been so wonderful to me. Tarra his terbls hesguy got keep talking hat and telling other people, and he realized that billwas so grateful that he was so Ande gave Oll predito ot. He said that wasAKA Leaingbo, a GNWA, ookbot and leve. God was real. He was part of his lifeand Tom Startiging im with this Guyn whe's, like seven years older the timeand seventy five years old in time and I'm Bat Hes is an. We goto give we GOTA PRA, we gotta giveyouknowcredit to God, and so I sit there and I'm ready for a short prayer. You knowthan Oa he's dolling, this long, Bat Distan,you know and and there's people around, and you know what I'm doing, I'mlooking to see WHO's. Looking at me, T was, I got e fewr people, you know, andthen he doesn't finish the prayer. You knowhat he gote Tis, O whatever it is, and then he says now Russell he says:Listeni was hes. Te Bea happen cause I as Rus. Now the food tastes better as its gotpeal Cheestyou Wan life down, especially re.That's why I learned about this stuff. That's Oi, Lik about doing stupid,stuff, like ome Yo hand, say the Mons...
Pa San this Ri Pafo for ther, youknowthat's hy. You know, you know what happens when you hang around, like you,hang my those Peoe ut start doing that you know what happens you didn'trealize you working way towards door? Three, you don't even realize your working wittoys doing you see in Alcoholic anonmous, if you're just here, to stopdrinking you're, eventually going to drink, Orfiel, prappy or live a lite of pin.If that's the only thing you're interested in Youknow Masun, I yo got at povision.This thing I went to I fuck ren into people. There are men and theire areboys, the six and seven Sev they separate the men on the boys. There areboys and there are men. Ninety five percent of people you need. They aregoing to be boys, nothing wrong with that. I you start off as a point. Somepeople actually becomea you Winh me. Some people actually become ther. Most of many ar call a few Ar chosen now road, broad highway, now wrote youfind on be cause on this Nawroa. You got to become entirely willing to haveGod we weroll the defensive tact. Ot become entirely ready becoming youbecame e Tirer rat I'v got move the bulzs. Now you got to Becomin tyly readto remove all the other stuff, it's something that goes on forlifetime, and on top of that, you got it Wen your nonjious codtack with God.Whatever contact you have now, you got ta group Onand, then a prove upon gowherever you get to have to do to improveupon that wowas study, I did read the Bo. I did.You know hanging out people like my S. I did because I wanted, because Iwanted to do what they said doing the book. You don't want to do it then justsay you don't want to do it. What is that that has to it willingness?Doesn't it it's not because of Stupor? It doesn't make any sense all I know.The only thing I can report to is what I did and what happened to me. I'm not here to debate logic of, but Imean I was going for my Phd Anolgmat Topology Li Graguawith, the pomelanasand mathematics. You Know Tmay Graduatn, Los Co, I'm not a stupid Gio all aboutLOGINC, I'm not here to try to prove to you when this God or not. I'm going totell you I came in here and the only thing I believed in was logic in theworld and things of this world, and I was a fucking basketcase and I found some guy who's told me thatif I prayed over the food it would taste better because now had a specialingreedient and I decided I made a decision to believe him and now I'm atdoor three, so you knowl you have tdodside is it'syour life? What you got to decide is what you want and it takes a lot ofhumility. I think, especially when you're an arrogant, Asall like me, Ithink it takes a lot of you know. I got the PLOMAS to prove how smart that I'vebeen educated. Far beyond the capacityyo understand. Anthing takes alot of amility to cisnext divide when he says pray, you don't have a specialingredient to go along with him and then start beleaving it. You know when you're an arrogant son ofthe gun, you think you're smarter than everybody else, I'm not here to pay. You know. So ifyou want to debabe me on this thing, you know what I say: I'm saying: Don'tprobmem don't worry about it. Buddy go on with your life. You'R perfectly. You know, I'mperfectly cap comfortable when you live in a miserable life. I mean I'm not happy with my notsharing with you like Toolsan said what this book is all about, and I'mcertainly not going to warter it down, because I'm worried about whether youlike me or not, but if you want to reject it, I'm notgoing to sit here and say Sumething, like thumb and say what was me theymight put me an allet on which is really a fate worse on death, my wife isn't that our ladies arepropessional advenge, you know, but when I'm Wong she probably admitsit. She does great ten.
So God bless you. Thank you very much.
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