AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 2 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Discernment @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #4

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

But I'm a member of the South Dixie group and I have time necessary have a drink since January, twousand and one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and it is great prep pleasure and privilege to be here. I have come all the way up from I'm like eighty miles south of here. What that deal is? How much fun to drive in the rain up here, you know? So we're going to talk a little bit more about insanity tonight. You know, I we're supposedly on the fourth step, but don't don't hold me to that. I'm going to talk. It'll be sort of like the fourth step. A little bit about inventory, a little bit about discernment. Discernment, look it up. If you don't know what the word means. You know, one of the things it says is you know. So I know there are people here that have been here last week, in the week before. The reason I one of the things I enjoy about doing ten step, you know, whatever it is, ten or twelve weeks of this, is because I get to really sort of give my whole concept. Of course, this is all my opinion, you understand. I have found that I have a drink for almost thirty nine years now and I've been working this thing. I've connected some DOTS. Think I see it a little bit better. I don't know, we'll see how it works out. And of course there's all my opinion and my sponsor used to say, when the man with experience meet the man with money, to man with experience will walk away with the money in the man with the money will have walked away with an experience. And there is something to be said for going through the crap. You know, when you want a guide to get through the jungle, you got a choice. You got a choice. You got the guy who's old, grizzly and all banged up and you know has been through the jungle, you know, a thousand times and out again. Are you get the guy who graduated Harvard, who's got a nice clean suit on it and he's read all about the jungle, you know, and you know, always go with the guy with these rances. been through the jungle, so I know what the jungles all about. So one of the things we talked about. By the way, for those of you who were in here, I just want to show this particular series. Every once in a while I record a series. This series is recorded. It's on rocketed dot org. You can go to that if you miss some of this thing. But last week we talked about a little bit about the third step and about the question why got why, even you know, people said, why do I have to even talk about the God things? So I went into that a little bit, not a not a lot. We're going to go in too much more when again into six and seven and eleven, things like that. But but it forms sort of like the basis for this. So I want to talk about the four step in terms of look, if you want to, your story changes. That's all I can tell you. Your story changes. I get guys that call me up and they've listened to a tape. I I think I told you this last day, listen to a tape or some recording I did fifteen years ago and they say, you know that records they say something. They say really helped me. And I said, and they said when you said and they told me a story. I said true story, and I said Yeah, I remember used to tell that story and I said when was that tape? He says two thousand and three as a two times a man. That was a long time ago. I haven't told that story in ten years. And why didn't I stop telling that story? Because other stories, you know, other think things have changed. You know, when I started I was thirty one years old, I had a life and like two children, and now I'm seven years old, I got four kids and seven grandkids, and so I've been through the wars. I've been you know, you know how you do this thing right? You do this thing while they're firing live ammunition at you. It's not. It's not like you get sober. You know, you stop. You know, I came in here like, we all came in here like. Well, I assume you know what are the old it says, unless we get rid of our old ideas. The result was nil. Took absolutely and you don't even know you have old ideas because you don't know what your old ideas are, because the only ideas you have our ideas that are right, that are true. You know, and that's why we're so hard headed. Our achieve characteristic is defiance, because you come in here, there's a lot of people telling you to get the trying to tell you things that sound crazy. You ever get the feeling a they say don't worry about money. You ever hear that, you know, you got go outside to have somebody on the street and say don't worry about money. They got, you know, to watch TV and say money's not important. It's not important's just rite up there with oxygen. You know I mean, it's not a big deal. They say don't worry about sex, don't worry about romance, don't worry, don't worry about everything everybody in the world is chasing and that you've been chasing for years. And you come to Aa and they say, you know, it's a spiritual program which means that which is non material. And as you as you get into problems day after day after day, you have today, like I was broke when I was months ober and I had a wife and I had a kid. I was worried about paying rent and everything like that and I didn't know what to do and I didn't want to tell my I didn't want to really share it in the group because, you know, I didn't I was a lawyer. I didn't want him to think badly of me, you know what I mean, and so I'm not going to share. You know, I'm a man, I'm a lawyer and I could say I don't have any money and I'm broke and I'm worried, you know. So, not that I give a shit about what anybody thinks about it. You understand what I'm saying. I don't have that problem, you know. And and and and so I finally told my sponsor about...

...the money situation, which, you know, that's what you have sponsors for when things good bad. And I told me, I don't have any money and I'm two months behind in the rent and I said I don't know what to do, and I explain the whole thing to him and he said to me, I said, you know something, Russell, I think it's about time you started making coffee for the group. I said to myself, I don't think there's a conversation going on here. I don't know, maybe I didn't make myself clear. You know what I mean? I mean a's great, I mean it's great, but I mean I got like money problems, because I know if you noticed this, after you come day a, it's not like far pound like calls you up and say, you know something, we got this bill, this electric bill for you, but we know you're trying to stay sober. So screw it. Don't even worry about. It's not like the mortgage company calls you up if you of House and says, you know, we know you all like fifteen hundred dollars any Morris and you don't have this month, but you know some we know you're trying to stay sober, so the hell with it. You don't have to pay the mortgage. You know. It's like you got to do this thing. They don't, they don't understand how sensitive you are, you know, how how you're affected by shit that's going on around. You know what I mean. You got to do this thing on the Wi fire with people that you tell them that you're dying here and they say, I think it's about time you start making coffee for the group. You know, it's like it's like you're talking to aliens in this place. You know, and and and so you know. But I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to drink and I hadn't had a drink a couple months and it was a miracle for me and above everything, I just didn't want to drink. And they say, what's all this talk about hitting bottom? Why do you have to hit body? Because nobody's going to do this stuff this crazy ass stuff they tell you to do and unless you believe you have to do it in order to stay alive. So, even though I was dying and I needed money, he's telling me it's about time to make coffee for the group. There's no conversation going on, he's not answering my question, but he walked over to the coffee thing and I followed them. That's really all the difference in the world between staying sober. Sometimes who you following, whether you follow directions, you know, because the chief characteristic, because we're defiant. There are people, I've met him, I've sponsor them, where you say I think it's about time to make off of the group and they say, screw this shit, I'n't son up for this and they leave and they get another sponsor. They get another sponsor that appreciates the better or understands the problem. But my sponsor probably didn't appreciate the here, didn't maybe understand my problem, and you hurt my feelings at times. But the bottom line is I was so scared of drinking that I followed them over because I got it in my mind that he had something to do with my not drinking, and so I followed him over to the coffee and he start called showing me how to make the coffee. And and I got to be honest with it, he had been making the coffee for the old killing pines grew part of that time. And I had a thought of my I said, this is how they get out of making the coffee. And and you know, they get this like newcomer, do you know? You're like dying here. And they said, Oh, you got to make coffee, and I started making us. So the next night no money came in. I was still broken. I didn't want to go to meet and because I was very depressed. You know how we get. We got very we go. Let me tell so we didn't get depressed. We like it's like skipping school. We skip a great we go skip, we skip from from okay to very depressed. We like supersonic speed past, just playing depression, you know. And I was very depressed and because my back account was low and I know it was going to happen to me, and so, but I had it. I didn't want to go to the meeting because I wasn't feeling good and and but I had to go because I had to make the coffee. So I went to meet and I made the coffee and I know I sort of got through it okay. And I did that for three months and I don't know what happened. Something happened. The money came in. The money came in and I didn't drink and after three months some guy came up with me says I'll make the coffee. I said, I have the coffee maker. And who the hell you think you are? Who appointed you? You know, how do you get these things? You don't get these things because you think. You don't get these things because you figure it out, because if you start figuring and thinking, it makes no say. They start you doing stuff, they start you praying and meditate that you'll walk in here. You don't even know what. You don't believe in God, and you got to say this for any say we're going to stop this. You say this, Orr any prayer because if you're an alcoholic, you want to blend, you don't want people think you're stupid. You don't believe God, but you know you're not going to stand this. So you say this or any prayer and you say the Lord's prayer at the end and you hold hands and your whold hands, as you say, and I don't believe in any of this shit, but you say it. You know what I mean. And Listen, here's the problem. It counts. After while you feel comfortable saying that. You know, after while you around the street and you say in this or any prayer, when somebody's I mean it just it, just against your will. Again, you count its counter intuitive, against your will. They have you doing this stuff and saying this stuff and as it makes no sense whatsoever. And one of the and you know, we got all these old ideas. We don't even know what the old eyes deers are. But at some point in time after you got sober, you...

...realize that, although you you're grateful being sober and it's nice going to means, you realize that it can be very terrorizing to be sober. And there's no fear. Anybody ever wake up three o'clock the morning worried about anything? You ever you'll ever wake up at three worried about something that you've been worried about for like a week or three days. You know it has to do with the cops or money or your ex wife or you know hause. I'd say that's to do with something and you've been worrying about this thing every day of the way. You wake up worried about this thing. You go to sleep worried about the thing. Maybe worried about what somebody thinks about you, even though what they're saying about you in your group, what they're say, you went to that group and you smoke. You said something. You were so stupid. They think you're so stupid. You know everybody that you're stupid. They probably passing around a. You can't go to an a mean anymore to that stupid thing you said. Whatever it is, you're just worrying and worrying and worried. Yeah, yeah, it's somewhere along the way you you notice that, even though you've been worrying about it a lot, it's not like curing it. It's not like it's making it worse. So you talk about the people inspected even worse and you wake up in the and then, your way, you'll go to sleep thinking about you wake up thinking about it and then one night, you know, whatever it is, it could be. Usually would be it was a money thing. You know, I'd wake up a three o'clock the morning and worried about or maybe I'm maybe I'd have a trial, a big trial, coming up, and I'm worried about what happens if I lose it. What is the people going to think about me? where? Whatever, how am I gonna? We all all this sort of stuff and you wake up a three o'clock morning and you're thinking. You saying, God, I gotta Stop Thinking about this. You know I'm not gonna anything. You stopped worried about not getting sleep. You know what I mean. This is three, four months ober, and you know you just dying because there is and then you say I got to stop worrying about this thing, and then, thirty seconds lever it later, you're worried about it. You can't get rid of it. I forget the drink. You can't stop thinking and there is no fear like sober fear. That goes away in about twenty five years. By the way, I want to let you know that I don't want you to panic. Don't pad it. If you've got fifteen years, you just don't going to do that. Sets I've got I'm going to do that Shit. I got fifteen. You don't worry about it. You're fine. You're exactly where you're supposed to be. That's what I used to say to me. What does that mean? You know, it means you're exactly where you're supposed to be. Twenty five years agoes away right before you ready to die. Goes Away. Don't worry about you pass a lot of Shit, you know. And you guys are laughing. If you only knew, you wouldn't be laughing. You know this is it's like a nervous laugh. You know what, if he's right, I'm not lying to you. You know. That's the only, the only thing you have to do. And I have a good day. A means be sincere and what you learning how to fake that. You got it made and said I'm trying to tell the I'm trying to tell the truth of what happened to me. So so the bottom line is is that when you come into here, you don't really see the disease. You know somewhere, but you sort of be get the feeling. Most of you people are sober. I think. I mean you. You've recovered from a hopeless state of mind. The body you're not. You know, I used to wake up in the morning say I'm going to I'm not gonna have a drink today and I'd be drunk by five. You know, that's what I'm a Superre in alcoholic. You swear that you're not going to drink, you swear off, you say I'm not going to buy, but you keep on drinking, drinking and drinking until you really get to the point where you can't stop drinking. You know, generally people in alcoholics. You know, you one of the one of the old ideas and alcoholics anonymous is nobody'll ever don't. Nobody could understand me. How could you possibly understand me, all the Shit I've been through, all the times I tried to make it all turn out right and it all turns the shit. How could you understand me? I'm so different, I'm so unique, and you're coming are you hear all the stories and do all that stuff, and about two years later you realize that not only does everybody understand you and you understand everybody, but the fact of the matter is is that we're all like twins and you you stop, you operate in a reality that says nobody understands you, which, by the way, leads to extreme loneliness, because how can you tell anybody what's really going on? When you know they're not going to understand what you're talking about. And, by the way, you don't even know what the fuck is going on. All you know as you feel this and you feel that and things are going bad and everything like that's just like a whole convoluted deal. And so you come in here and after a while you go to a few meetings and all of a sudden you're feeling great to be here because finally you fact, because the only language you speak as Checklislovaki in and nobody out there speaks check the Slovakian, and you come in here and everybody speaks shot you. You you fly to San Francisco, you go to an a meeting San Francisco. They all speak Checkleslovakian. You're married. You're married to some Gal. You've been married for twenty years. She doesn't understand anything about you. You'll fly to bally, Indonesia, and you go to a meeting and you sitting next to some guy you never seen and he knows you like a book and you can understand him and they're the only people that understand. I used to tell my wife that when I went to the bars, I said these are the greatest guys in the world. That's why I like on the boys easy, the only guys that understood me. You know, in the bars that nobody understood me except that God. They talked my language, saying I haven't changed, I've just switched bars. You know what I mean. Now I'm going to the Solutions Bar, you know, still surrounded by the same guys I was drinking with. You know, the only guys in understand me. Say It's like the one of the...

...old ideas is just gone, that I'm so different, I'm so unique, and I realized that. You know, that's some all you have to do just say the truth. I don't care how crazy it sounds. If you're an a me need say the craziest thing that you know nobody'll understand. If fifteen people come on tell me sick, I made love to a camel last night, five guys will buy a cup of coffee. Says, yeah, they too made love to a camel. You know what I mean. I know how that camel I know. But the camel problem. You know, you don't worry about a damn thing. You know, I don't care what you say. That's the deal, you know, but you got to get past the fear of people right, not that I give a shit about what other people think about me, you know. I mean I spend more money. I don't have buying shit on need to impress people. I don't like buying cars. I couldn't afford so you would think of me differently than I I mean, you start learning about this disease. Well, had to learn that you're an alcoholic. It would. You have like one drink on a Saturday night and got drunk and tell him an alcoholic, I'll go to a meetings. Fifteen, twenty years later, you say I think I may have a problem and then you try to you you learn you're an out the way, they say. We get a new perspective somewhere along the line in here. I don't know whether it's one month, two months, three months, five months, whenever it is, you see the step on the board, the second step. It says came to believe that we're parallel. That was it came to believe that there is what is the second step say? What does it say? Remind me, I'd spend sober too line. Can Remember said some about some sort of power going to relieve it. Stores to sanity. That's it. That's the word on the sanity. You know somewhere how long you think it is before you realize that you're nuts. No, I'm serious, after you gets. I mean, I know we come in here. You don't come in here thinking you're nuts. Maybe you think it nuts, but you come in here really because you have an alcohol problem. You you, you think you're nuts before the alcohol problem. Because I'm anybody here, I will go to a psycho. You know, raise your hand, I'll reason. And here, anybody here, we go to a psychiatrist before they came to Aa. You went to a psychiatrist because you're though you're nuts, right. You didn't want anybody know you're going to psychiatrist because you don't anybody know you're not. You think you're nuts, even though you don't give a shit what other people think about you. You know what I mean. So you want to you went to a psychiatrist to try to cure you from feeling the way you feel and being the way you are. Right, and it didn't fucking work right. Didn't work right. So then, ultimately, over a period of years and decades, you got the point where you couldn't stop drinking and you realize you had a drinking problem. You're nuts anymore, you just have a drinking problem. So you came to Aa to stop drinking, right, and then you came in here, you picked up white chip and, let me guess, you stop drinking. Everybody here stop drinking. Not Mark, he's got like twenty eight years of undetected, undetected drinking, but anybody here actually stop drink. So now you guys have all stopped drinking. So after you stop drinking, how long did it? Well, if we took about how long does it usually take where you get the idea that you may just be crazy? You get you go back to the old psycho, you know. Maybe you're just crazy, you know. But I think somewhere along the line, I don't know what it's three months or four months or you may not understand why you're crazy and why you feel the way you feel and why you act the way you act and why you think the way you think and why you're lathering up in the shower and saying things to yourself like I'm an Asshole, how to kill myself, and why you're always constantly saying bad shit about yourself, you know, and all that stuff and why you can't stand silence and why things make you uncomfortable all the time, and all that's you may not even understand that, but you understand that there's something wrong with you and you don't know what it is. Right when you start getting the feeling that there's something that you're when you start realizing that you're not drinking, which is a good thing and you're happy about not drinking, but you also start realizing you're getting an indication or feeling that even though you're not drinking, you might be crazy, that there's something wrong with you, that you're restless, you're irritable, you discontented, you're depressed, you're sensitive, you're worried all the time, you're a when you start doing that, you see then you start getting in touch with something called the dis ease of alcoholism. The drinking is not disease, that drinking is a symptom of the disease. Don't listen, this isn't shit I'm making up. This is actually in the book alcoholics. Anonymous drinking is but a symptom of disease. We drink the cause ready for this, because we have the DIS ease for a great period of time, drinking can solve the DIS ease. I drank alcohol because no woman, no car, no matter money, work just quite as well and quite as fast as just a few drinks. And if I could drink today and have a do for me what it did for me when I was seventeen years old, I still be doing it. But it's stopped working for me. In the sad news for me it stopped working for me before, about ten years before I realize it stopped working for me. And you don't realize it stopped and by the time you realize it's not working for you it's too late to stop. But the truth of the matter is you stop drinking and so it's not the thing you're use. That's the primary thing. But you don't realize that the sex worked for you too, and so you're addicted...

...to that. You don't realize you're a what. How many years did you have to drink? How much shit did you have to go through before you got to the point where you hit bottom and you realized you got a problem alcohol. You didn't have like one Saturday night where you had a bad batch of ice. It's a man, I got to go to a meeting. You know what it says in the big book, for it says. Here's what it says, here's this is all big book stuff. You know, I got credit for because I just quote the big book. We're selfish. And what is the disease look like? Well, the way they describe in the big book, as they describe it as a form of selfishness, whatever that is. We don't even know that because there's no selfrespecting alcoholic. It seeks to that's thinks there. So they don't come here thinking I'm selfish. I don't know. I think I think I am like the sweetest, nicest, greatest guy in the world who has just been freaking abused by everybody. It's not my fault and was never my fault. I'm just surrounded by assholes. You know what I mean. You know my wife's just doesn't understand me. And we had a big book that says we're selfish and we're self centered. The problem is, how, how am I selfish and self centered? Somewhere along the line we hear different testimony, we hear different stories. We do this four step we do the steps and everything, and somewhere along the line we get inklings about things in our life, that we've known about it all along, but we look at it differently. Like that story I tell you about the Gal and totally New Jersey. I think I told you that story where I was in love with this guy. Was In love. You know, you guys are all alcoholics, you see, you all been in Ilkey Love Lust. You know, you'll die if he leaves, you'll die. If you don't get he'll die. You know, and I was. I was a blounch Lizard. Fully, I spent more time in my life looking for her, the one that was going to cure me. On that Saturday night. You know what? You know the worst thing for me was to have a Saturday night or a Friday night without a woman. You know, my whole life, you know boot, but they would there were two things that I was addicted to, women and alcohol. I wanted what she had. I was one to go to an Leith to get it. I mean, this is the truth. I sat around with a bunch of guys and bars, going like this, hitting them in the size side. Look at them, look at her and go look at that one, look at this one, look at that one. You know, and you know something, I've been to enough bars. How many guys here drinking bars? I've been enough bars in my life, drink with them, enough alkies of my life. Know that I'm not unique in this deal. You know what I mean. There are there are bars that are packed right now, just guys out there with which pitted with pitchforks, you know, just looking for the next Gal. You know what I mean. And Pride, don't gals maybe would know how they do, what their deal is all about. But they'd have ladies nights and it's all about hooking up. So you cannot feel like a piece of shit. It's all about getting laid, so you don't feel like a worthless piece of shit. It's all about having a romantic relationship. So don't you don't think you're a worthless piece of shit, because part of the insanity, and listen till an alcoholic except as alcoholism and alls consequences. Sobriety to be precaris and of true happiness will no none at all, because part of the insanity and part of the consequence to be an alcoholic is if you can't get somebody to love you and have sex with you you're a worthless piece of shit, because the truth matters. If you're an alcoholic, you pretty much think you're worthless piece of shit and most of the things you do is run around the planet earth buying shut stuff and buying cars and running around getting jobs and doing stuff and bragging so that nobody will realize what a worthless piece of shit you are. And that's what Carl Young I mean. What was that other guy, the other psychiatrist, set in the book? Man against themselves. Lease is alcoholics and men women not to destroy themselves, because they're going to destroy themselves because they don't think much of themselves. You think the way in alcohol brags about himself and talks about himself means that he thinks a lot about himself. But but that's not really true. What's really true is that it's very important to alcoholics. Vanity is everything with them. Very important to alcoholics that you think that they're okay, Marie, a lot about what other people think about them. So it says selfish, this self centered. Yeah, so I'm going out with this Gown Lynn. This is way before I hit alcoholics, anonymous and I'm in love, and she says to me. One day she has to go back up north to see your parents that she hasn't heard in a year, and I say, I start yelling at her and I say what about me? I didn't think that was selfish. I'm in love with her. She's in love with me. I'm thinking. I'm an Alky love. I'm thinking about her all the time. I know she's got an old boyfriend up in New Jersey. And you know, if you're in love with somebody, you know you're jealous, you know you're worried about them leaving you, you know, and all that sort of stuff, because you're a tick. That's another Dick, it's just another just another drug, it's just another bottle. Set of a bottle of Scotch was a bottle of Lynn. You know what I mean. And so we yell and scream and she leaves for New Jersey and two days later, after a bunch...

...of drinking, I get a bright idea. So I'll just fly up there in surprise her, because you're an alcoholic, that's what you do. And I fly up there and on Christmas Day I go to the door, knock and I se out here, you know I'm here to ruin your Christmas right. You know all key love, also known as stalking. You know what I show? You guys are laughing. You don't know what it's like, but you see what happens. is now that's a true story. That's a true story. That story is something I tell an AA which seems to resonate and means something and says something about who I am and what I am. What it says is I'm a. This is what it says. I'm not going to say what I want to say because I'm trying to get away from cursis it says I'm a I'm a self centered, selfish piece of shit, that I care more about myself than letting this scale spend time with. That's what it means. But I didn't realize, I didn't even think about that story and realize what that story meant and how it showed how selfish I was. UNTILD I don't know how many years so I maybe I didn't start telling that story. Maybe I was five or ten years ober. You know, you know how they say we get a new perspective by repeated humiliations, in the final crushing of our selfsufficiency. We don't get a new perspective, people packing us on the back. You GET A new perspective? How do we get you know, how did you get a perspective about the alcohol? By being crushed by the alcohol? How do you get a new perspective about sex? How do you get a new perspective about romance? How do you get a new perspective about material things, about cars, about money, about everything you've think? All of a sudden you figure this thing out because you got all these old ideas. I mean, you know a is great, but we all know if you had a million dollars, that would solve all your problems. How do you get a new perspective so you're not not worried so much about the material should in your life that you think you absolutely need to feel okay, because without them you feel like crap? It seems like it's a double edged story, doesn't it? If you got money yet? Yeah, anybody ever been a situation where they got a lot of money? Somehow get a lot of money, don't you feel good? You know what? The problem with feeling good when you have a lot of money? The problem with feeling good when you have money is that when you don't have money, then you feel like shit. Anybody Been In love, romance, sex and everything like that? Don't you feel good? Feel like a man, you feel like you're really something hot shit right. You know the problem with that is if you don't have that calling, you feel like a piece of shit. You know the you ever, you ever drive a new car, own a new car or really a cool car? You know what I mean. I'll he's like to buy Nice cars, you know, so you can show off, you know, because you are your car. You know, you know, and you know it's you know, it's is this feel great to have a brand new car. You know, you know all the gals you know. You know the problem with feeling good when you have a brand new car. The problem I feeling good when you have brand new cars. You feel like shit when you don't have one. See, the problem is is how you feel when you how and and you know, you know one thing. You Know Al Key's. They may not want to talk about God, but you know you worship your feelings, right it isn't that what Alki's think about all the time? Don't you always think, what, why do I feel like this? Feel like shit? Isn't that what you want to go to your group and tell him, want to tell him how shit you feel or how angry you are, anything like that. Isn't your whole life in the man house, while you are run by your feelings and emotions? And don't you think that that's perfectly normal for you? If somebody calls you on it, don't you say things like what about? You know? Don't you say something like well, if it happened to you, you'd feel the same way right then all of a sudden you come doubt and everybody you hang around understand. I feel like this. I feel like, yeah, man, I know how you feel, that guy is a asshole. Yeah, I know how you feel. Then you come and day a and you run into some guy and alcoholics, anonymous. You know he's like you because he's your sponsor and you trust them. And one day you tell them that you're broken, you feel like killing yourself and everything like that, and he says, I think it's about time you start making coffee for the group. And you run into an alcoholic who's just like you that does not seem to be moved by the fact that you're upset. And not only that, shit happens to him. You run into people and alcoholics an obviously give testimony about having cancer. Also. The stay happened and they seem happy. I walked into a meeting one time and it was shared by guy named Al Kennedy. I know how Kennedy Worth Crap, you had thirty five years and he was sure he was like just an incredible man. You know, it's like about sixty five years old, just absolutely incredible and he was like a man's man and and you could tell, you know, he was comfortable. You know, talking to the group. He could have been. He's like talking to you, talking to somebody is living room. He was, you know he was. He was just very open and very comment you know, he made this kind of guy. You ever meet people my sponsors like this, where I'd all I meet a guy. You ever meet a person where you're talking to him and somehow when you leave them, you just feel better? You don't really...

...want to leave them, you know what I mean, because you feel but whatever, you're with them, you feel safe, you feel bad. He was like one of those kind of guys and at the end of the meeting I turned to my sponsor because he was just so he was lifting everybody up. He was great in me and I said and I said I would really like that guy. Like to see him again. What group do you belong to? Does he belong to? Same sponsor who said to me you ought to start making coffee. So he's always saying crazy shit to me and I asked them one can we go see him? And he says to me this. He says, well, you know, he's dying. I mean, I turned to my son said when can we see the guy? This is the same guy that said I'm out on money. I think it's about time you made talk for the group. He's always saying stupid shit. You know what I mean. They must teach that in sponsor school. You know, you sponsor. Has You a legitmic sponsor? Has You a legemic question? Just d answer them with stupid shit. You know what I mean. So you know, I said when we can go see this guy? I really liked them, and he says, well, you know, he's dying. I said I didn't think he heard me, you know, because he was never listening to me, you know what I mean. Obviously didn't listen to me about the money thing. So I said to him, I said no, the guy who just spoke that guy out Kennedy. He's really good. I want he says he's dying. And so when he's dying, he says it's got lung cancer. He's dying of cancer. It's got six months to live or something like that. And so I say, I say, he didn't say anything about that. I mean just spoke for an hour and am he didn't say anything about that. I mean, I don't about you, but I would have slipped that in, you know what I mean, just to impress the blond in the front row. You know what I mean. I would have slipped I always do a better meeting if there's a goodlooking gal around. Okay, I'm always more spiritual. I would have slipped that side. I would have slip that sucker in. You know, I would have said it's great to be here, guys, I drove from Miami. You know, I only have six months to live, but don't let that worry you. I'm cool. You know, I would have slipped that sucker and you know, and I said he's got six months of I said, he didn't say anything like this says. I know he didn't mention he says. I know he's just trying to help other people's as I know, and so you know how we have a thing in the book says vision for you, my conception of this disease and what and the power that you could have, because I ran into people. You know, I'm the guy who, if I have a hang, you know that's good for five freaking meetings. You know what I mean. And I'm complaining about everything. I've been my I'm my car, I got a flat tire. I called my sponsorized, I can't believe this, I got a flat tire. He goes, you got a car. I call him up. I say my bosses and assholess, you got a job. I caught by said, I can't believe the toilet sould for I gotta got a new toices. You have a house. I stopped calling them. It was too I can't. I to this day I can't complain. Every time I complain about anything, you know what I mean. I mean I say you got a house, you got a car. It's like these guys react. It was like it was like Carl Carl Young says when he talks about the personality change in the alcohol. He says ideas, emotions in my spons to say, what do you do this shit you do, or say the size, if that's my personality. said, your personality is killing you. I said, I know, to stop drinking. How do you change her? How? I'm thirty one years old. I've been lived with the same personality. I basically believe I'm a nice guy in a good world, doing nothing wrong. And and the bottom line is he's now telling me, okay, you got rid of the alcohol. Now you got to change your entire person how do you do that? How do you do how do you change your personality into what? And how do you do that? And Call Young, says to rolling has it. He said, listen, you have the mind of chronicct alcoholic. I've never been successful with some of yeces. Is there? He says, Yeah, God's God's the deal. He said you have to have a complete psychic you got to change the motherboard. It's not a virus. You got to change the motherboard. It says ideas, emotions and attitudes, which are the driving and guiding force of these men's lives, are cast on one side and they become dominated, dominated by homely set of ideas, emotions, that you got to change that motherboard and change so much that Shit doesn't affect you, that lack of money. But yeah, you want you got to change it in such a way so that if you have a million dollars, you're the same guy and you feel the same way about yourself. Then if you're broke, you got to change that motherboard that in such a way so that if you're having if you're a romantic relationship, you feel just as good. If you're not in a romantic relationship. You got to change that motherboard so much so that if you're driving a brand new corvette, you don't feel that good and you feel the same way is if you're driving the Ju Lopy. I mean, how do you do that when your whole life and everything you are and who you are depends upon what you look like and what you buy and when you're going to afford and you coming to a a and all the drinking stops, you've been recovered from a whole state of mind and body. But the bullshit. The...

...real problem, Bill Wilson said, emotional sobriety. So the real problem is unhealthy dependencies and you don't even realize you have these dependencies, just like you didn't realize you had an alcohol problem because your whole life has been built thinking about these things and running after this things. You'RE A if onlier. You're a yes mutter. If I only lived in a bigger house, if I only have another girl from my wife, would only treat me differently, if I only lost fifty pounds. You know, bigger breast, I don't give a shit what it is. You know what I mean. If I only change that, I'd be okay. And it's not going to be. Make you okay, because you're fucking crazy. And it's called the alcohol is it? And it says we're selfish and self centered by a hundred forms of fear. A hundred forms. If you even know about two of them, you know you're missing. Not yet under forms a fierce, selful self delusion. You're diluted self sine. We step on topes of others, they retaliate seemingly without provocation, but we see that we've made decision in the past based upon self, which puts us in a position to be hurt. So an alcoholic is self will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so. How do you get that New Perspective? Just like it says in the book, the same way you got new perspective by boot about booze. How'd you get New Perspective by booze? You fell down, you got crush, you got hurt. You got to do the same thing with how do you how do you find out about how screwed up you are about the money thing? How do you find out how screwed up and misery are about the money thing, and how you got to get rid of worshiping the money thing. You got to go broke. You got to have a lot of money problems over period of fifteen, twenty years until you get the point where you get so sick inside, try to be in broke, that you're ready to give up the money thing. That comes around the sixth step, when you become willing to what does it say in the sixth step? You know, I'm old, I forgot. What does it say? What does it saying? The so where is this suff what is it saying? Where is it? Where is it? Where is this? Where is it? Where is it? Entirely ready to have God remove all these time ready have got to remove the money. Take the fucking money. Who Cares? Like all Kenny? Take my life. It's okay, I'm cool. Take the car. It don't matter. Take the GAL it don't matter. You know who I am and what I am. As nothing to do with whether I got laid. Who I am or what I am, as nothing to do with a car. Who I am or what I am, as nothing to do with with anything material in this world. You know, it only has to do with the WHO you think I am, Lord. You know who I am in your eyes, because you're the only one I'm looking at, which is probably why they say we're on a new base of the base of trusting line upon God. We never argue about that's probably why they say if you want to be rocked in the fourth dimension of existence, experience much of heaven. Probably it says. The great fact is this and nothing less, that our entire the central fact our life, is our creator. We know he lives in our hearts and minds in the way which is deep miraculous. He's doing for us we can't do for ourselves. It's probably why they say all that he will give us everything we need if you stay close to them and form his work right. We focused totally on him, and about that time we're willing to do that, give everything to him and do the real deal, the one that separates the men from the boys. Step six. It's just about that time where we stopped worrying about crap and we stopped waking up at three o'clock in the morning and we stop being rocket in the fourth to mend and we know a new freedom and a new happiness. That only takes son of two thousand and twenty five years. Well, I might be wrong. You guys are probably do it fast. So it took me about twenty five years. I don't want you to think it's all bad. The I mean you get better and better as things goes along, but I mean, if I, if somebody was to ask me on the electronic polygraph, when was it that things finally cleared up with these sort of steps? You know, these promises came at you permanently, I'd say, two thousand and twenty five years of being beaten down and all sorts of different areas and all sorts of different things where all of a sudden it started getting real good. But it won't really hurt you because I really I was helped tremendously at seven year, because it's seven years sober. I was I was hurting and and I was doing everything in the air. And I don't want you to think I was miserable. I was happy many times, a lot of times. I had problems. At nine years I was I lost all my credit cards at nine years because apparently they expect to be paid back, you know what I mean. And and I wanted this and I wanted that and attend and I lost lot. But you want to know who helped me? If I ran into a guy who had was ten years sober and he said I never had a problem in the world, I'd be sucking on the muzzle of a gun. I hate. You know, helped me? What helped me is people that were ten years sober or fifteen to twenty years sober and said, you know, when I was the years, none years sober, I wanted to commit suicide. But you wanted something. My trust got to work. I wanted to hear, I need to hear people who had M had the sobriety I had now who it still hadn't happened for you know. So I had hope. So if a God told me, Said said to me, listen to you're exactly where you're supposed to be. You know I mean, you're finally dealing with the real...

...shit that steep down inside, that you've had the three, thirty, seven, forty years. You're dealing with the real crap. You understand what I'm saying, and that's not going to go away like that Russell. That's going to take a little time, but don't worry, you hang in there. If that, if I would have known as long as as long as I knew that I didn't have to panic, because at nine years if I was feeling bad and all that sort of stuff and running around like a chicken with a head chopped off and every like that, that that was okay, because that's the way it was. You had to go through this, this crap, you know what I mean? You wanted something. It wasn't so bad because I knew there was hope at the end of the tunnel. And I start and you start connecting time. Then you start really seeing this disease and you start really man this is a serious disease, and it doesn't come at you looking like bottles, guys, it comes to you like looking looks. It looks like a gorgeous woman. You know. Yes, I screw this church Shit, you know, screw this bobble study screw this, a a shit. You know, I'd like to go, but I'm going out with Doris. You know what I mean, and I gotta it comes at you with it comes with you. He says, look, I want to go to a but I got this job. You know what I mean. It looks like jobs, it looks like women, it looks like money. You read the system, he says. We don't want to defer, take material things, we don't want to put down. You know, material things. But nobody has ever made a worse job of when you start talking about money, what is it? Money? Power and Romance, Prestigian Romance. The whole life was revolving around that crap. You don't even see it. You start, you do this fourth step. You know, you write, you do it. I'm like a tab you. I used to. This is why my story is sort of changed. I I you know, if I used to do a four step meeting or something, I would tell you how to do the four step, how I did I did for step, the way to do it. Who has to tell you? You got a sponsor, you got a big buck. They have a chart there. There's four lists, you know, a list of resembment's list of fears. You know, I'm not going to tell you the list. I'm not going to go through that. But what does that do? What is the four step do? What is the fifth step do? What does all this testimony do? What is listening to me here? Do Listen the Guy with twenty, with thirty eight years to what is everything in a a do? Okay, it immerses you in the truth, and some of the truth you don't want to hear. You know, I have the sign of my off my wall office because I get a lot of guys that come to my office that are charged with a crime and there tell me and they tell me their side of the story, the COPS, this whatever it is, and they start telling me their side of the story and they believe it. They believe it like we leave our stories, you know what I mean? And I know that that story will work on the planet. fucking Mars that if you tell the judge that story or anybody else that story, they're going to put you not in jail, under the jail. So I got to get him out of that story. So I point to a sign of my office and it says from few good events, says the truth. You can handle the truth. The truth is you're an Asshole, you're an idiot, you know what I mean. And and somehow, somehow, when you get him to the point, say, man, you're right, you know, somehow they start getting better. You know, but we're really well defended. So what does all this stuff do? And you know, you've got to be ready to receive the truth. This isn't the kind of thing where you tell somebody the truth. In there an alcohol and they say got it, I got it now. You know something? I came in here with three months, but you know something, now I got the mind of somebody with thirty eight years. You know what I mean. I see everything clearly now. No, no, you got to go through the same bullshit I went through. You got to go through sleepless nights, you got to go through all the pain. You got to get your credit cards taken away from you, you got to go bro Your House has to go into foreclosure with for kids. You got to go through you got to get cancered twice. You got to go through the same bullshit, praying on your knees, trying to go to a mean he's trying to stay sober, trying out you got to go to the same bullshit. So because, as you go through it, it's no longer something that's theoretical or hypothetical. It's actually happening to you and you can't drink and you can't drug and you can't sit home with it like a thumbsucking prop crybaby, and you got to go to work and you got a man up anyway and you got to grow the hell up and somehow, some way, you do it and you turn towards God and you realize that you can survive and you can't be okay, even with cancer, even with no money, even with whatever, because you wanted some your life and who you are does it depend on that shit anymore? Doesn't move you one way or another anymore. And when you get rid of those cravings, when you get rid of those cravings that you think you have to have in order to be happy, then it's a fucking push. The life is a push. Then the only thing you do is you think about what the Lord wants you to do. That's what it says in the big book. It says it was everything we need, but we stay close to him and performance work well and you realize that his work is to be a maximum service to him and helping other people. And if you're an alcoholics anonymous, not even alcoholics anonymous. I go to church to and and you realize if there's anything that we have an abundance for of...

...is a lot of people that are totally screwed up that need help, and you never run out of them. And then you do that stuff and guess what, God gives you a wife and four kids and seven grandkids anyway, and you get you got to have a job and self supporting through and you want to something and all that stuff is great. You know what I mean, but it's not your main thing. My wife is at home right now and all my grandkids at home and you know what, I'm here with you and last night I was at a church down to shoot somebody else, and Saturday night I'm speaking at the whereas it the Palm Beach gratitude dinner and because and my wife is going to be with me. This is what I do. I'm a lawyer. I got to earn money so I could put food on a table, but this is what I do, this is what my life is about. You know and and and you know something and you know something. It's incredible, but when your mind is focused on all the shit you need in order to be happy. And I'll tell you something, if you need stuff to be happy, you'll never be happy. If you need anything material this world to be happy, you will never be happy because you'll, you'll, you'll, you'll run over people's dead bodies to get it and when you finally, if you finally get it, and you'll hear a lot of people, you'll feel crappy about yourself, you know, and then when you finally get it, you'll feel happy. It'll be just like the boost. You'll be good for about a week or two and then you'll be good for a month until the car hasn't dealt in it or the woman, says, has an argument with you, or something happens with a gloss wears off, and then you'll be unhappy again. You'll say, I need a new wife, you know, I need a new car, I need to move out of this crappy town, and all of a sudden one day you'll have money, the next day you want have money. Hey, you know something, if money and fame and goodlook solve this thing, you wouldn't hear of any of these movie stars going into Rehab Right, you'd never hear you did. You wouldn't hear any of these people doing the crap they're doing. You wouldn't hear any of these people that everybody looks up to get into the trouble to get into, because that's not the deal. That's not the deal. So that's, you know, that's sort of like the way it happened to me and that's what'll happen and this is what you're going to have. I'm not saying you have hate. I don't want to ever say to alcoholics you have to do this, but this is why the fourth step and the fifth step and all these things are are suggested. Because assume, just for the heck of it, the book, Big Book, is right. Now, forget about assume it's right, and assume that you are delusional, delusional, look it up in the book of things, that you don't really see what's going on. You feel a lot and you think a lot, but you don't really know what's going on. And, let's say, when things you have to do is start seeing things clearly, and maybe they're right. Maybe the way you got a new perspective is by repeated humiliation. So maybe you have to be rehumiliated repeatedly, just like you were with a booze, and maybe you have to do a four steps, sort of look at things a different way, from a different angle, you know what I mean? Maybe you have to do a fist step and talk to somebodystor can look at things, but all these lead to you know, the first step of getting out of jail's knowing you're in jail in the first place. In three or four or five years, you're going to be dealing in a few years, you're going to be dealing with shit in your life that are making you unhappy right now and that it's been screwing you up your entire life. That's going to be running you ragged and you're going to be dying because of it and realize for the first time that you walked into a with this shit but you didn't even see it. That's what you're here that's what you're here. But that's why you go to a means. You know why you go to a means? Because crap is bothering you. Stuff is bothering you that's been bothering you all your life and you don't even see it. You don't even know what it looks like. You're trying to figure it out. You think it has something with alcohol and has nothing to do with alcoholics. You haven't had a drink and you're still nuts. It has to do with something else and you're just sort of here and you're saying, maybe this guy knows the answer, maybe that kind knows the answer, maybe a smart if you're trying to figure this thing out, and one day you're going to you're going to see something and then you're going to say, man, that's the problem and then, like the booze, you're going to want to get rid of it and you're gonna say, well, how do I get rid of it? It's not gonna be that easy and you're going to go through the same struggle with this, with the with the other thing, with the stuff, the defect that you went through with the booze. It's not going to go away immediately. It's not going to happen. There can be praying about going to me. You'RE gonna be trying to do anything to get rid of it, and you know what's gonna Happen to you're gonna Happen to me, is you're not gonna be able to get rid of it, but some other thing that you weren't even trying to get rid of it'll go. You know what I'm talking about. You'll be trying to get rid of the money thing, the money thing, the money thing, and the sex thing will go. It's I wasn't even trying to get rid of that thing and you're because you're not in charge, because you have nothing to do with because God's in charge. He's doing for you what you can't do for yourself. But the point is you're here struggling to get rid of it. You're going through the AA car wash. You know what I mean. You know the a car washed. You're all dirty and everything. You go in the car wash and there's a thousand guys there with giant mollots and the beating the shit out of you and just beating you up and just don't fall off. The coup are belt, people looking to God, you know. And then you get to the end and starts feeling like a Swedish massage. Get Out and say, man, I think...

I'll try that shit again, you know, and I wasn't so bad, so thank you very much. So where's Lindsay? Where's Lindsay? When I need her,.

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