AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 9 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Desert time before the Promised Land @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #11

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Oh all day. It's not for sisters. I can tell you that. Wow, let me see any young people here. Well with me, okay, Buddy. How old are you? Eighty seven? Eighty seven, I'm like a child compared to you. I'm like God, I can't even. I feel bad about complaining now, I mean, but I'll tell you what, that's not right. Alcoholics you can't trust a fucking word they say. How do you Lindsay? What? How old are you? That's that's a fucking age. That's an age. Twenty three. My shoes, my she's a twenty three. What are you think? My name is Russell. My name is Russell. I'm an alcoholic. How you doing, Kevin? To see you. Good to be seen. Yeah, better be okay. So I haven't found that same drink since January two thousand and nineteen eighty one. So this is my birthday months. I'll have thirty nine years this month, God willing, if I make it. Thank you. Yeah, I forget. That's the only a clause I'm going to get from this group. So so here's the I'm going to tell somebody asked me what step my going to I'm to do. I'm gonna do a seven eleven, a little seven and eleven. Throw some other stuff in there. To me like a Milkshek, you know. So that's my plan. At least that's my thinking. I just thought that up as I was walking up here. It's good to be here, it's good group. I'm doing the last meeting next week and then I go up to Bocca to do that. I'm meeting on Thursday nights at in Mis in the park up there. So that's just another hour north. What the heck, you know. So, has anybody in here? You don't have to raise your hands. Ever felt like really down, you know, really, have you ever have that? At you feel really, I mean really down, you know, really like like what the fuck, you might as well cash it in, you know. Yeah, so I want to talk about how great that is. You know, you know, you guys, you guys. When you feel really down. You know, there's a possibility that. When I've used to feel really bad, I used to think that was a bad thing. You know, sometimes alcoholics are at the worst when they feel really good and they're at their best when they feel really bad. Did you know that? Is that a strange thing? I don't know. Something about our personalities. So this Guy Rolling Hazard, he he, he went into a treatment center, Dr Carl Young streatment center, for about a year, whatever it was, and he didn't drink and he thought, now, knowing the in the workings of my mind and how my how, I think drinking is impossible. And then the next line of the book it says, nevertheless, he was drunk in a week. Who knows? He just he's just was drunk. So he what goes up back to Dr Carl Young, greatest psychiatrist at the time, and them psychiatrist, God blessing, they're great. You know, I've been to a few and they helped me out, but they still have to figured out how to hear us. They just haven't invented the pill to give us integrity or, you know, help us, give me, help us give a shit about other people, you know, and stuff like that. But in any event, there's a lot of things you could do in this world besides drinking to distract you from your crummy situation and stopping from doing things. And so he goes up back...

...to Dr Young and he says the DCR young. He says, what's the problem with me? Is there no hope? And so Dr Young says he's he wasn't feeling so roland wasn't feeling so good. You know that part of the book says do not be discouraged. Roland was discouraged. And so he goes back to young and I. He says, is there any hope for me? And the doctor tells him, he says, he says you are chronic, as is alcoholics. Anonymous. Right, just want to make sure and and accidentally wander into the Kaanas club or something. So so. So I take how many alcoholics are raise your hands if you're an alcoholic. Okay, you need to listen this. This may have something to do with you. So he says to Roland Hazard, he says you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. And I don't know the vibes in this room, I just have this feel after being around you, because I hung out with alcoholics. I've been hanging out with alcoholics, so rockhox, for thirty nine years and before that I was hanging out with drinking alcoholics. So I have a history of just hanging out with alcoholics. Yeah, it's doand what I'm saying. So I kind of, I kind of and I like them. I like alcohol. God knows, I like them, you know, I get them, you know. And so so I feel like there maybe I'm like surrounded by guys and gals that have the same condition that Roland Hazard has or had, you know, chronic. So he says, you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have never been successful with treating a patient where that state of mind existed. And so Roland Hazard says, well, is there any exception? You know? He says, yeah, yes, exception, says here in are once in a while, like once in a blue moon. You know, we these guys change. It's like a phenomena, which is like a scientific way of saying miracle. It's like a miracle they change. I see miracles all the time and a phenomena all the time. You don't believe in God? Phenomena all the time and a but you guys are like phenomenas because you guys are alcoholics, right, you know. And like I'm talking and nobody else is talking. I used to hang out without Bhox and bars. Everybody's talking at the same time. Nobody can be quiet. People are whisperings at well, what is this shit? You know what I mean. They're like you like almost like behavior celves. You know, it's like unbelievable alcoholics behaving. What the Hell is going on here? Say, says, you have the mind and he said, he says here in there, once in a while, you know, he says, there's this psychic change. They're not even drugged up. Says this is sank a change, he says, is how he describes it. I like the way he describes it's it's because it's true. Says, ideas, emotions and attitudes, which is pretty much a personality. Ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding forces of these men's lives. Later on in the book when they talk about Selfish and self center this, you know, they talk about the driving forces, that fear and everything, but the guiding force with these men's lives and when's like are pushed to one side and they become dominated by a whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitudes, and that's how it's some sort of they become like New People. As matter of fact, in the book they use a Christian term, basically, they say in the book alcoholics, and they say we're reborn, he said, we have a life, life on a new basis, a new footing, you know, trusting and relying upon God. It's like to like completely different creatures, like we're not the people we were before. You're not the people you were before you came in here. You're different. I'm not even get this. I was planning on coming back here today from Latin. A lot of you guys were here last week. I was planning on coming back here today to do this meeting,...

...but unfortunately I didn't make it. I wanted to make it, but I didn't make it. So the guy you see that, because the guy who's sitting here is not the same guy who was here last week. Because what this says is this is the maintenance of growth, of a spiritual condition. So this this change where things have pushed to one side and you grow. It's not like it's the static change, like you're staying in place every day. You change every hour, you change every week, you change everything. So I'm not even talking to the same people I was talking to last week, because you're all different people, because the week has gone by and you've gone through a week of stories. You know what it says our stories. This guy, every day is a story. Every day a new story, maybe five and ten different stories. You know, if I was sitting down and talk to you'd have a few stories for me. And the story now depending upon your attitude and your focus. You know, you the stories may change you for the better or they may change you for the worst. You know. But I mean we're all different people in this deal. And and you know, one of the things I've learned, you know, we have a lot of old ideas. One of the old ideas I think you learned real fast, and I think this is probably one of the fastest ideas. You know, you can tell me, you can think about now. Listen, I'm just telling you. This is based on my my experience is but you know my spons you say when a man with experience meets a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will walk away with an experience. You know, you give me a guy with experience anytime, okay. And my experiences is that the things they say in the big book are correct, and a lot of things you learned here, even though they sound weird and strange, are correct. They end you end up agreeing with them. Y'alls, I'll putty this way. At first you're saying your mind, this guy's pretty much full of Shit, this guy doesn't know me, this guy doesn't understand me, and in five years you're talking like that guy. You know what I mean. You're that guy. You know you because you learned through a lot of circumstances that he was absolutely correct. So I'm just telling this is just stuff I've learned. I'm just passing it along to you. Your free. But if you think I'm full of shed and this is does apply to you, that's fine. That's it said. That doesn't bother me at all. You know, what does it say? Selfish, selfsetting this room by hundred forms of fear, self delusion, selfseeking. We step on toes of us. They Wedell iw lean, see me without provocation, where self over run, right, though we usually don't think so. So if you don't think any of the stuff is true, you're just a just another chronic alcoholic, you know, coming through. You know one day you might come up and say, I used to think you're a full of Shit and now I like you, or something like that. But so one of the things I used to think, as I used to think, that I'm different than anybody I think one of the great things about alcoholics, anonymous, is just is you live your entire life thinking you're different than you're a lone and nobody will understand you. Every once in a while you start thinking about who you are and you get really ashamed and embarrassed, a bag yourself, really ashamed. Man. If anybody really found out what I was thinking, they think I was fucking weird. You know what I mean. You don't even want to think what you're thinking. You don't want to think. I don't want to know what you're thinking, Kevin, you know what I mean, but you only want to know. You don't want anybody know what you're thinking. You don't want to think what you're thinking. You don't want to admit what you're thinking. You think some pretty strange, crazy, whacked out thoughts. I know you do. I know you do. You see, that's the problem. You know it says. All be revealed, because so so you think you're different and that's what separates you from everybody else in the world. When you feel so alone, you never really make a connection with anybody, because how can you? How can you talk to somebody and tell them who you really are? First of all, you don't even know who you are, but the little part you know about yourself are pretty fucking shitty. You know what I mean, and I'm if you're going to tell them that you you know, if you're an alcoholic, you're pretty much still had to fake it. You can fake it pretty good, but you know what I mean, but deep down the side you're not going to. Maybe, you feel maybe if you drink. So that's why you like hanging around drunks, you know, because your drink...

...and you're drunk and you're all of a sudden the real you sort of comes out and they come out and you feel comfortable, but not normal people. You know they wouldn't like you. But then you come in here and somehow you feel comfortable because somehow you feel that you're with people that are as crazy as you are. Why do I feel so good at name? Why do I like listen to that guy? Can see this fucking nuts, but not nuts in a bad way, like nuts in the way. I'm nuts. So I don't feel so I don't feel so alone now because I'm crazy, but I don't feel so bad now because, man, I'm crazy, just like Russell's crazy. I'm crazy and then you so you get this do I first you got to get rid of the old ideas. That may take twenty years to get rid of a lot of old, nice, still old ideas, and it takes a long time get rid of old ideas. But then you get the new ideas. So the old ideas is I'm different, nobody understands me, and you got an old idea say, man, I'm like everybody else. An alcoholist ain't different at all, and that's a good thing because it makes you feel like you have a fellowship, like you're close to people and you're you're not alone and you can share things with people, and that that may take a long time to, you know, come through, but it gets better and better. That's time goes on. And and so, since I buy into that and I know that's the truth, since I know that's the truth, you know, because alcoholics can't separate the truth from the fall, since I know that that's the truth, I feel comfortable and sharing what's on my mind. I don't have to plan AA meetings because I'm comfortable whatever I shared a meetings. You know, there's going to be a bunch of people that that are thinking the same exact thing that could say. Man, I don't know what that guy's talking about, you know, and there's gonna be a whole bunch of people saying he's talking about me, because I've been do a lot of that's what happens. I said, you're talking about me. I said no, I'm talking about me. So I know that if I'm talking about myself, I'm probably sharing something that has to do with you or is going to have to do with you. So all I try to do it a meet is just try to be as transparent as possible, you know, true be try to be as genuine as possible and sort of basically tell you what I think and what's going on. And one of the things that happens I book and says the Maintenance of growth of a spiritualish and so we grow all that. We're always growing. So and any man, I today I went to I went to I I had to go through surgery. Today, I went through a procedure. Okay, and I'm telling you this for a reason. That's the link up with something, because I'm an alcoholic. I happen to be an alcoholic and I have to do it. Gone through surgery. So I'm and tell you about a story about an alcohol going through surgery. Now, your alcoholics right, one day you may go through surgery. This may help you out, it may not, but it has something to do with that. So, because, because I'm an alcoholic and because I'm crazy, what happens is, no matter what I go through in my life, somehow the crate. There's nothing I go through in my life where the alcoholism, of the craziness, the insanity of alcoholism. Because after the I don't drink anymore. I stopped drinking. I mean, I know I could drink in a half an hour. I can be drunk an hour from now. But you know, but, but I but, but I'm not worried about drinking because I've left it all in God's hands and he's taking care of me. He's taking care of me for thirty nine years. So I'm okay. I'm just leaving to his I'm not I don't have a hold of that thing, you know, and I'm not fighting I'm not fighting the drink, you know. I mean I've given it to God and that's okay. But but the problem is, after I got every of the alcoholism I learned, I was crazy it doesn't take a long time. You just have to be sober and hanging around the planet. You know, and you don't have to if, if you, if you have an IQ above above a carrot, you know what I mean. After the first months, until you realize you're fucking nuts. Okay, you'll figure it out. You won't know what it is. You'll just realize that you think crazy and you're acting crazy and you have to go to a lot of means here, a lot of stories. You realize this is the disease, you know, and then you realize the second step says, you know that if I come to believe in a Paragram to myself, that I might restore me to sanity,...

...you know what I mean, and my ideas and emotions out of May change and I might get I might go from insanity to saying, but the insanity is always there. It's always that's so. So whatever I'm going through, you know there's going to be the physical thing I'm going through, whether it's rope, whether it's losing a house, whether it's going through a broken romance. Whenever I'm going through, there's gonna be the thing that's actually happened. There's gonna be the thing that actually happens that I'm going through. I don't have enough money to pay the electric bill. You know, I I'm being arrested at whatever I'm going through in life. Not only am I going through that, I'm going through that, but it's there's an overlay of the insanity. I'm track. My insanity is like right on top of that, you know what I mean, and it dictates really how I react to that and at my feelings about myself and stuff like that. So, because I'm an alcoholic, it's hard to go through it without dragging the insanity along, the fears and all that sort of stuff. So so I was going through surgery. So I that Surcherut went through. I'm not going to go through the whole thing and tell you the gory details, but but the bottom line, I mean obviously I'm here, I'm I'm alive, I'm you know, it's it's suck, but and it's something when you when you after the age of fifty, you go through it all. It's a colonosophy. You go through it all the time. And Yeah, you know what I talk about. The young young people don't even know what it is, but that's a good so you got it. You got it. You got a fast for the day before you don't need, which you know is going to you know, I ain't gonna harm me at all. You know, six months of fasting, I'd look the same way. You know, I'd be like chipping paint off the Queen Mary. You know so, so and and and you got to drink this horrible stuff to go to flush your system out everything. Then you going. So I was at six am in the morning. I'm in the hospital. So they're prepping me for the surgery. I've been through it like four or five times. I'm so prepping me for the surgery, and that one of the guys that comes up, because they put you out. If you know what they put you out? They put it under anesthesia. Know, if you know anythink about anesthesia, whatever you get under anesthesia, there's always a chance. There's always, you know when that when, whenever they put you under stead, there's always maybe a small chance that you ain't coming out. You know, I mean, I'm just telling you that just to make you feel good. If you have to go through it, okay, it's never they're never going to tell you. There's no chance of you dying. You understand I'm saying, because Shit happens. You know that kind of stuff. Oh, we went in for some you're what happened to Russell? Yeah, he won't for a simple procedure. Next thing you know, he's dead. You know, and that's just my alcoholism talking. You know what I mean. But, like you know, it's like when you get on a plane. You get on a plane, you're not worried, but you know you're probably going to be dead after you know it's gonna blow up or something. You know something that I gotta said. You're always thinking about dying. Shit, but even it's like in the back of your mind, but it's there. It's hanging out there, you know. So the the anesthesiologist comes up to me, you know, that's the systems up. Seems like a nice guy. He's like laughing at joke and he's like having a good time. I'm about to die. He's out, a young guy, start something I'm going to use. Yeah, I know, I've been through it. I said you've been it before. I Say I've been through it before, and they give you like a sedative like valium or something like that, you know. And and but the bottom bottom. So he says, well, what are you going to use? Is What we don't use that stuff any what we use proping all. Yeah, that's the first fucking thing I said. I said that's the shit that killed Michael Jackson. That is the shit that killed that's true. That's the shit. And that's the ship, by the way, that kills all a bunch of dog guys, you know what I mean, guys in NA. And I know we got addicts and alcoholics. That's what they're all dying, because that makes of a problem. I but I see, the first thing I think of is that's that kills Michael Jackson, because say something. Now it's getting fucking real for me, you know what I mean? Now the whole thing is getting real. Yeah, it'll be okay. And and, but I was okay. And...

...so let me tell you why I was. Well, I was okay, like I said that to him. I sort of joke and there was no problem and I wasn't worried at all because, let me tell you why. Because about ten years before that I was in going in for real serious surgery. They were opening me up and everything, and that was when I had like twenty nine years, of twenty eight years and recovery and they're opening me up and they will me into the operating room and my pastor was there because by then I hadn't going to a church for like fifteen years. When I was fifteen years soldier, I start going to church because as a long stuff, I start going to Bible study around eleven years, you know, sober, because I wanted more and it said something the book. I read something from the first time the book that we encourage church membership. And I was around fifteen years I got start getting sponsored by a Baptist missionary, you know, and I had fifty six years, and so I started going to Bible study to start going to church. And so when I had about twenty something years, I was going to the surgery and my pastor was there and my sponsor was there, John Glenn, like fifty seven years or some whatever. Sobriety and they were and and the surgeon was there and they're all laying hands on me, praying over me. You know what laying hands are? They just laid put the hands on you, their own praying over me and I'm like, man, I don't know how to explain this to you, and I'm sitting up or down. It didn't matter me either way. You know what I mean. If I come out, if I don't come out, I was because I knew I was going to be. Okay, I can't explain that to you. I'm just telling you the true. I'm just telling you the truth. I'm not going to explain it to you. I'm not going to explain it to you because I can't explain it to you because if you just not there, you're just not there. You understand what I'm saying because you got to be there. It's like, if you're an alcoholic, you know what it's like to not. You know, I can day because I couldn't stop drinking. How many people ever got to the point but they couldn't stop drinking? They tried, but they couldn't stop. Okay, so now you go out there and you find some guy's not an alcohol and you try to explain to him that you got to appoint your life where you couldn't stop drinking and you see whether they understand what the fuck you're talking about. You try to explain that to him, you try to explain why I have to keep on going to meeting. You try to explain to your alcoholism. Okay, don't get all frustrated. Oh, you can't explain because they just not they just not there. They ain't there. So I was at a point in my life, but whatever it is, twenty something years after not only going to a lot of means, but in reading the book and going through all the stuff you go through, you have to go through, and I was at a point in my life where we're at. My faith, my faith in God, had developed. You know, that third step thing. What does it say? Made a decision and turn your will in your life on the care of God, you know, and you kind to believe that Palchrim you start, you know, you know all that stuff they talk about. Now I that doesn't really help you that much. I mean it's a good thing to do, but I mean, I mean that's like a one second thing. You get down on your knees and you say a third step prayer and then you get up and you're like basically the same person you're worth five seconds ago. You know, and you but I had gone to a certain point in my life where I was doing that like over and over again, like every five seconds. You know, you know what it's like to you know, the serenity prayer, the thing we said, God grant me the Serendis excepting. You know what it's like to say that all the time. I was saying that all the time. Let me tell you something. From one day sober until forever, I was saying the surreenity prayer all the time for the first fifteen years, because there's a lot of stuff to accept in this world. Let me tell you, there was a lot of shit going on in my world. Old You know I'm about you, but there's a lot going on where I had to say the surendy driving in traffic. I had to say the surending prayer of twenty of fifty times. But so I was saying the Surrey perhaps doing all the stuff that we do. But somewhere around twenty years or so, something had happened. I had I gone like from sort of like the first view step, I had gone into like the eleventh step, the conscious contact deal. Where I was you know...

...that part where it says we have the great factors this and nothing less. What does it say? It says the great fact is this and nothing less and says our creator has become the center, central idea of the central piece of our lives. That's what it says. It says we are we are convinced, we are absolutely certain, we are absolutely certain. I'm not lying. It's in the book. It says our Creator has become the center fact of our lives, a central fact of our lives. We are absolutely certain that he lives in our heartsome lives, which is a way which is indeed miraculous, is doing for us what we can't do for ourselves. Let me tell you something. There is a big difference. There is a now a lot of people have done the third step. Right. Why do you people have done third step? Second step? You know, you say the serenity prayer at every meeting. Maybe every once while you pray, but there's a big difference between saying the serenity prayer and doing the third step and making your creative the central fact of your life. There's a big difference between saying the third step, doing the surrounding prayer and being absolutely certain that God lives in your hearts and lines in a way which isn't deed. But I'm just telling you this. A difference, not putting you down. There's a different now here's the good news. There's not a person in here who can't experience that second deal somewhere after round twenty years or something like that. I was there. I was at that place, whatever that place is they talked about in the book. We're on a new base, the base of trust, rely upon God. We never argue about the thing we you know. We just let it demonstrate. All I was at that place, not because I'm smarter than anybody, it's just at that place, you know, that deal. So so when I was being wheeled in to the operating rule and I know that there was a possibility I wouldn't wake up, I've been sober for what out twenty something years and had a wife and kids, I was I was fine, there was no problem. Didn't wake up, did wake up, I was. I was fine because in my theology, after you know, if I die, I'm with the Lord Anyway. So it's all worked. It all works out, you know. So so it's just sort of like it's just my faith. It just developed at that point where I didn't I didn't that. That didn't give me any fear. Now let me just tell you something, something I need to tell you, and there and and from that time and whenever it is, I can't put it I can't put in an hour or a day or a minute on it. From whenever that point was in my life where most of those fears are overcome by faith. Maybe it was the twenty years, maybe it was at nineteen years. For last twenty years my life has been sort of like that way. I'm not saving perfect. I never had a bad moment, but I'm saying my life has been basically a life of being tranquil and peaceful and serene, like they say in the they say in the promises you'll know one will know a new freedom and a new happiness, you'll know serenity and you will know peace. Yeah, that's not I just want to tell you it's not a it's not bullshit, it's not a story. It's such a something thrown in there. They're not lying to that can happen, that can actually listen. Let me tell you this. I'll look you guy in the eye, who can't stop drinking. I'll say you come to a I'll promise you you can stop drinking. You may think I'm crazy, but I'm telling the truth. I'm telling you now. You're in a you can stop worrying about shit if you want to. You can stop wor any that. It is true what they say in the book about the promises. These things are happening for you. You'll know new freedom, you'll lose fear people. Yeah, I'm I promise you you can get to the point where you'll lose for your people. You'll get to the point where you could talk in front of a thousand people not knowing what you're going to say before you get up there and you can talk and you won't be scared. You understand? I'm I promise you that will happen to you. I know you're thinking that's impossible. I'd freak out I could.

I'm telling you it's possible. I'm telling you you get to put where you have no money in the bank, you have nothing there, and you won't be scared. I'm telling you that's now. You think that's fucking crazy. I know you think it's crazy. I'm just telling you as possible. Okay, you can believe me and not belie me if you wanted. It's up to you, but I also want to tell you this. Here's the second part of that. Before I got to whatever, whatever point I got to where I'm telling you this stuff, before I got there, at ten years, at five years, at three years, at two years, it was freaky. It wasn't fun. I Want I can't. I know it was. I can't make that statement. You know, the thing I'm telling you about this is what happened to me after go that's what happened to me after going through twenty years of stark raving fear, sober. You know, I can also tell you stories about about times an a at one year, at three years, at five years, at twenty years, at you know whatever it is, at ten years, where I'd be going through something and I'd be in stark raving fear for a week and I wouldn't be able to get rid of it and no matter what I did, I couldn't get rid of it. I kept on thinking about what's going to happen me? What's going to happen if they for close on the house? What's going to happen if I lose the money? What's going to happen if they take the car? What's going to happen if, if this happens or that happens. We're all I did was and the and sometimes the only thing I could do who was just not drink for the day. Sometimes for me at five years just I remember I was doing a step mean up in Fort Laurderdale and I had ten years and I was absolutely broken. I had three kids and I was three months behind the more each and I was absolutely insane with worried and you know, I let me tell you, saying say the serenity prayer and all that sort of stuff. You know, you can say this serendy prayer fifteen thousand times doesn't put a diamond the bank. I can tell you that. And and but I had to do this meeting up and for Laurderdale and I drove up before Laurderdale and you know, I'm an alcohol so I know how to say, to pick up the phone and say I'm sorry, I can't make it, my mother died or something, and then, you know, be a thumbsucking crybaby and sit at home worried about myself. And but I the only thing I knew to do was to continue my obligations in a so I drove up to I went up to for Laurderdale and I did the meeting, just like I'm doing this meeting. You know, maybe probably better than I'm doing this meaning. But I drove up and I did the meeting. Then after me and I talked to other people about their problems. And I'm driving back and as I'm a hitting the the as I'm hitting right around here, that that crazy section what they called a golden glades. I remember as I'm going down to golden glades in and driving south and I all of a sudden a thought game to me. It's crazy. Thought came to me. He says, you know, Russ you don't have any money, you have a wife and three kids. They may be foreclosed in on your house. You've had all these worries and all these concerns and you just went up, notwithstand that, to an a meeting. You met your obligation. You Talk to a lot of people when you tried to help people and you're still sober. And all of a sudden I started feeling real fucking good about myself. I think it's something called self esteem. I think it's something called self esteem, but you know, some the only way I start thinking about how incredible, what a fucking miracle and how great it was and I start feeling real good about myself. But the only way I could get there was I had to go through the desert. I had to go through the desert man, I had to be crushed, I had to go through the I had to go through the suffering. I had to suffer. You know, I've suffered a...

...lot sober and alcoholics. Anonymous. I've suffered a lot sober, worrying about material things and alcoholics. Anonymous. I've suffered a lot sober. You know when the sixth step and it says this is the set that separates the men from the boys. Let me tell you some wife separates the men from the boys. Shit that happens will separate the men from the boys. That I can tell you that at we'll separate you out, it'll separate you. This thing is going to be totally easy. Let me tell you. In the way God works in my life. Sometimes, you know, you may not be feeling good about what's going on in your life. Sometimes I feel like nothing's happening, nothing's changing. Let me tell you something. Here's the deal. I don't change me. God changes me. You know, let me tell you something. I water the tree, I put fertilizer on the tree. You know, I make sure the tree get sunlight. God grows the tree. I don't change God. And you want to some funny thing about God. God doesn't necessarily consult me. He just does. He just I don't know why he doesn't. He doesn't let me know. Russ, I know you feel like you're like a piece of shit and you feeling down and you feeling like nothing's changed in your life because your but I want to tell you something. I'm making some great, major changes in your life. I'm just not letting you know about it. But one day you're going to see it. One day you're going to be coming off the golden glades enter change in a change and you're going to see this deal. I'm going to give you a glimpse. I'm going to give you a glimpse into who you can become, because you know, it's easy to be happy with your life and grateful and feeling good when everything's going your freaking way, when everything's going when you got money in your pocket, you got a girlfriend or a boyfriend that the romance is going good, and you got a house and you got a car and you got a job and everything's going great, it's easy to feel high. In my I'll tell you when it's at least something, when everything's going to shit and you still feel okay, when you got something like my sponsors says, equanimity, where you feel at peace with yourself even though all sorts of things are fallen down around you. I mean, that's that. Let me tell you something. If you can feel good about yourself when everything's going to shit, then you got a pretty good shot of never at being in a situation where anything makes you feel bad. You understand that. When your life is such that your bank account and what's in it bothers you, when your life is such where what car you're driving bothers you, when your life is such where whether you have a girlfriend or boyfriend or a lack they're up sort of botherish you were concerned. When your life is such that you use sort of like determine your happiness based upon the shit you have and the stuff you have, you know something. Your life is hostage to all the material thing. You're not living life. Let me tell you something. You can tell me your spiritual not and you can say to me a million times I'm spiritual not religious. It's just all fucking bullshit. If you still worry about that stuff, you know you're not spiritual. You don't even know what the word means. Don't tell you. Tell me. You're worried about the money and you're worried about the car and you're worried about the romance, worried about your girlfriend, but your spiritual, not religious. Don't give me that stuff. You know what I mean, because when your spiritual, what happens is you. You the only thing. You're focused on things of the spirit. You know it says in the big book. Itsel'll tell you what it says. It says. It says if we make a decision, a serious decision for God, he says we must get really selfishness, we must our kills us. God makes that possible. So once to make that decision for God also to remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, give us everything we need if we stay close to him and perform his work right in. His work is helping other people. I don't see anything in there about getting laid. I really don't. I known just thought. Is it in the big book? The only a's in the big book back in laid and says if...

...you think about it a lot and you're screwed up, like Bill Wilson, he says you throw yourself into helping more people. That's the only thing that says the big book. The imperious urge if that thing is attacking, if it's attacking you. I sponsor a lot of guys that are alcoholics and sex addicts. That's I don't think I sponsor anybody that isn't a sex as. I have a dount think I've ever hung around in alcohol who wasn't a sex addict, because we drink and talk about having sex and that's all we taught, that's all we do. That's like a hobby or something. And also, I don't know, I know women aren't like that, but guys it's like a big deal for guys. So that makes it sort of understandable when you see this, when you get to step seven in the big book and it says we're talks about the boy six and seven, when it talks about they where we got a new perspective on things, is unbelievably painful. You know that the way we get new prospective you want to get a new perspective on things. Guess what. It's unbelievely painful. You know. It says we learned the value of suffering. How would you like to learn the value of suffering? You know, they modeled this off of the book of James. Book of James. First thing it says, the first Ralf the book of James Says Rejoice when you have trials and problem, problems of every kind. You imagine that this thing is fun us. By the way, this program has been around for a long time. I mean Bill Wilson would never say I discovered this program. Okay, you know we put it in certain words, but the bottom line is it has been around for a long it says we rejoice when we have trials of many kinds because we don't feed persevere through trials and we focus on God. We make him to send piece of our lives. He says our first faith will get stronger, it will change and will be and that's the deal. This problem has been a long round, for a long time. It's the same program it was thousands of years ago, it says. It says the way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations. Anybody here ever been humiliated? Anybody here ever found themselves in a situation where they feel shitty about themselves? Yeah, but you ever been in a shower or something, or somewhere driving along the road and all of a sudden you're thinking, man, I'm a fucking Asshole, I kill myself. Not that you're going to kill yourself, you just got to keep on telling yourself you want to kill yourself because it you ever feel like you're not fit for living, like you're useless, like you're a piece of shit, that you're worthless, that you'll never be okay, ever, you ever have that feeling? I mean you might not have the same kind of disease I have. Maybe you have like a milder fucking form of this disease where you're just happy all the time and everyone's well and you have a drinking you can't stop or something. I have the disease where, you know, a disease worthlessness, of uselessness. That's probably why they say in the promises that feeling of uselessness will disappear. Well, why would they say the feeling of uselessness would disappear unless, unless we all have a feeling of uselessness. Otherwise, why would they say that to alcoholics. I guess if you're an alcohol you have a feeling of uselessness, and if you don't have a feelings of uselessness, you're just fucking lines to yourself. That's not you're just in denial, you're just the or you're just you're not an alcoholic. You just hanging out here, try to get some coffee or piece of ass or something, I don't know, around the parking lot, smoking, trying to press me would whatever the hell you're doing, you know what I mean. So we're so I'm hanging out with people. There's what I'm doing, not hang around people that are just like me. They feel useless, they feel depressed, they feel there and fear. They're worried about all this sort of Shit, you know what I mean. And the alcohol isn't even a problem. It's all the other shit and all they're doing to sell themselves. No, I'm not really worried about that shit. You don't understand me. Hang around a bunch of that so screwed up in disease and they don't even know they're screwed up disease, and the only answer is God, right, and the only way we can turn to God and figure out our problem is. We have to go through suffering. We have to have God take all the money away, all the boyfriends away, all the girl friends away, all the romance away, everything away. So wearing a damn car driving up the Broward county to do a step series, with all this other stuff on our mind, so that we can finally do, do what the God, what God wants...

...us to do, so we can realize that, you know, we've been given a great gift, because we've been given the gift of sobriety and instead of worrying about ourselves, we're thinking about other people. How do you get that gift? And like, you just got to go through that Shit and you got it and here's the deal. You can't go it's not like one of these deals. You go through it once and you'll learn the lesson. No, the same one of those deals. Well, I've been sober three months, I should learn the lesson. You know something, I heard that Guy Russell. I really think what he's right. I agree with that. I think he's right. So I guess I'm sure. No, no, no, no, no. I heard all the shit he went through. All I heard the crap he went through. Now that I've heard it, I really understand it. Now I won't have a problem. And now you're gonna have to go through the your I walked through the desert. You'RE gonna have to walk through the desert. You know, don't hey, you come to me crying and wanted about a problem. You have your Brog your girlfriend left to your boyfriend left, whatever hell it is. You know I'm saying, Hey, I had to go through it, why don't you go through it? You know what I mean, and I'll bet. Who Have you been? Yeah, that's why you have guys, older guys, alcoholic, snice. You start wanting to him, they say hey, how many people are you sponsoring? Make some coffee or something. It's like that. It's almost like they don't give a shit. You know what I mean? They don't give a shit. They really don't, because they know what you're going through. Here's what they know. They know the crap you're going through is what you need to go through in order to get to the other side. They know that what you're going through. It's like God saying it hurts me more than it hurts you know, like they say hun son, this is hurting me more than it hurts you, you know, it's like you're going through as an alcoholic, what you have to go through in order to get where you have to go, in order to get to the next level. That's the deal. That's what it says in this book. It says it talks about humility and seven. How do you get this gaining it says. For us, the process of gaining a new perspective was unbelievably painful. It was only by repeated humiliations that we were forced to learn. You've got to be forced to learn something about humility. It was only at the end of a long road marked by successive defeats and humiliations, successive that means more than one time, and the final crushing of our Selfsufficiency, like like a bruise, is not bad enough. You got to be crushed, that we begin to feel humility as something more than a condition of grubbling despair. Every newcomer in alcoholics anonymous total, and some realizes for himself that his humble admission of palasis over alcohol is his first step towards liberation from its paralyzing grip, grip, grip. So it is that we first see humility as a necessity. You know I mean. So that's how we get it in here. Just get crushed and crushed and crushed. You know what's one of the lines I heard about. You know, I can alcohol anymous when the consequences of my drinking came at me faster than my ability to lower my standards. I mean, you just have to get crushed and crushed, and that's what the first ten years, that's where the first five years is. That's what the first ten years is. That's what the first fifteen year don't be shocked and surprised when you're an AA and you got ten or fifteen years and your your sufframe or you're going through something, you're sucking your thumb or feeling sorry. Don't be surprised. That's what this deal is all about. You Know Me. Just you know. That's what the difference is between the men and the boys. That's what you have to get. That's the boot camp. You're in the Marine Corps, that's the boot camp. You don't become a marine and let's go to boot camp. You don't become an adult in here unless you go through the bullshit. That's what it is, you know. So, but on the other end of that. On the other end of that, if you go through it, you know just because you feel bad, not just because you're not happy. I know this is a shocker. Just because you're not happy and you feel bad doesn't mean that there's anything wrong. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean that the thing ain't working or there's anything wrong.

Sometimes you just have to go through stuff the seventh step to bring you closer to the eleventh step. So that's all I got tonight. Thank you very much.

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