AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 9 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Desert time before the Promised Land @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #11

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Oh all day. It's not forsisters. I can tell you that. Wow, let me see any youngpeople here. Well with me, okay, Buddy. How old are you?Eighty seven? Eighty seven, I'm like a child compared to you.I'm like God, I can't even. I feel bad about complaining now,I mean, but I'll tell you what, that's not right. Alcoholics you can'ttrust a fucking word they say. How do you Lindsay? What?How old are you? That's that's a fucking age. That's an age.Twenty three. My shoes, my she's a twenty three. What are youthink? My name is Russell. My name is Russell. I'm an alcoholic. How you doing, Kevin? To see you. Good to be seen. Yeah, better be okay. So I haven't found that same drink sinceJanuary two thousand and nineteen eighty one. So this is my birthday months.I'll have thirty nine years this month, God willing, if I make it. Thank you. Yeah, I forget. That's the only a clause I'm goingto get from this group. So so here's the I'm going to tellsomebody asked me what step my going to I'm to do. I'm gonna doa seven eleven, a little seven and eleven. Throw some other stuff inthere. To me like a Milkshek, you know. So that's my plan. At least that's my thinking. I just thought that up as I waswalking up here. It's good to be here, it's good group. I'mdoing the last meeting next week and then I go up to Bocca to dothat. I'm meeting on Thursday nights at in Mis in the park up there. So that's just another hour north. What the heck, you know.So, has anybody in here? You don't have to raise your hands.Ever felt like really down, you know, really, have you ever have that? At you feel really, I mean really down, you know,really like like what the fuck, you might as well cash it in,you know. Yeah, so I want to talk about how great that is. You know, you know, you guys, you guys. When youfeel really down. You know, there's a possibility that. When I've usedto feel really bad, I used to think that was a bad thing.You know, sometimes alcoholics are at the worst when they feel really good andthey're at their best when they feel really bad. Did you know that?Is that a strange thing? I don't know. Something about our personalities.So this Guy Rolling Hazard, he he, he went into a treatment center,Dr Carl Young streatment center, for about a year, whatever it was, and he didn't drink and he thought, now, knowing the in the workingsof my mind and how my how, I think drinking is impossible. Andthen the next line of the book it says, nevertheless, he wasdrunk in a week. Who knows? He just he's just was drunk.So he what goes up back to Dr Carl Young, greatest psychiatrist at thetime, and them psychiatrist, God blessing, they're great. You know, I'vebeen to a few and they helped me out, but they still haveto figured out how to hear us. They just haven't invented the pill togive us integrity or, you know, help us, give me, helpus give a shit about other people, you know, and stuff like that. But in any event, there's a lot of things you could do inthis world besides drinking to distract you from your crummy situation and stopping from doingthings. And so he goes up back...

...to Dr Young and he says theDCR young. He says, what's the problem with me? Is there nohope? And so Dr Young says he's he wasn't feeling so roland wasn't feelingso good. You know that part of the book says do not be discouraged. Roland was discouraged. And so he goes back to young and I.He says, is there any hope for me? And the doctor tells him, he says, he says you are chronic, as is alcoholics. Anonymous. Right, just want to make sure and and accidentally wander into the Kaanasclub or something. So so. So I take how many alcoholics are raiseyour hands if you're an alcoholic. Okay, you need to listen this. Thismay have something to do with you. So he says to Roland Hazard,he says you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. And I don'tknow the vibes in this room, I just have this feel after being aroundyou, because I hung out with alcoholics. I've been hanging out with alcoholics,so rockhox, for thirty nine years and before that I was hanging outwith drinking alcoholics. So I have a history of just hanging out with alcoholics. Yeah, it's doand what I'm saying. So I kind of, I kindof and I like them. I like alcohol. God knows, Ilike them, you know, I get them, you know. And soso I feel like there maybe I'm like surrounded by guys and gals that havethe same condition that Roland Hazard has or had, you know, chronic.So he says, you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I havenever been successful with treating a patient where that state of mind existed. Andso Roland Hazard says, well, is there any exception? You know?He says, yeah, yes, exception, says here in are once in awhile, like once in a blue moon. You know, we theseguys change. It's like a phenomena, which is like a scientific way ofsaying miracle. It's like a miracle they change. I see miracles all thetime and a phenomena all the time. You don't believe in God? Phenomenaall the time and a but you guys are like phenomenas because you guys arealcoholics, right, you know. And like I'm talking and nobody else istalking. I used to hang out without Bhox and bars. Everybody's talking atthe same time. Nobody can be quiet. People are whisperings at well, whatis this shit? You know what I mean. They're like you likealmost like behavior celves. You know, it's like unbelievable alcoholics behaving. Whatthe Hell is going on here? Say, says, you have the mind andhe said, he says here in there, once in a while,you know, he says, there's this psychic change. They're not even druggedup. Says this is sank a change, he says, is how he describesit. I like the way he describes it's it's because it's true.Says, ideas, emotions and attitudes, which is pretty much a personality.Ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding forces of these men's lives.Later on in the book when they talk about Selfish and self center this,you know, they talk about the driving forces, that fear and everything,but the guiding force with these men's lives and when's like are pushed to oneside and they become dominated by a whole new set of ideas, emotions andattitudes, and that's how it's some sort of they become like New People.As matter of fact, in the book they use a Christian term, basically, they say in the book alcoholics, and they say we're reborn, hesaid, we have a life, life on a new basis, a newfooting, you know, trusting and relying upon God. It's like to likecompletely different creatures, like we're not the people we were before. You're notthe people you were before you came in here. You're different. I'm noteven get this. I was planning on coming back here today from Latin.A lot of you guys were here last week. I was planning on comingback here today to do this meeting,...

...but unfortunately I didn't make it.I wanted to make it, but I didn't make it. So the guyyou see that, because the guy who's sitting here is not the same guywho was here last week. Because what this says is this is the maintenanceof growth, of a spiritual condition. So this this change where things havepushed to one side and you grow. It's not like it's the static change, like you're staying in place every day. You change every hour, you changeevery week, you change everything. So I'm not even talking to thesame people I was talking to last week, because you're all different people, becausethe week has gone by and you've gone through a week of stories.You know what it says our stories. This guy, every day is astory. Every day a new story, maybe five and ten different stories.You know, if I was sitting down and talk to you'd have a fewstories for me. And the story now depending upon your attitude and your focus. You know, you the stories may change you for the better or theymay change you for the worst. You know. But I mean we're alldifferent people in this deal. And and you know, one of the thingsI've learned, you know, we have a lot of old ideas. Oneof the old ideas I think you learned real fast, and I think thisis probably one of the fastest ideas. You know, you can tell me, you can think about now. Listen, I'm just telling you. This isbased on my my experience is but you know my spons you say whena man with experience meets a man with money, the man with experience willwalk away with the money and the man with the money will walk away withan experience. You know, you give me a guy with experience anytime,okay. And my experiences is that the things they say in the big bookare correct, and a lot of things you learned here, even though theysound weird and strange, are correct. They end you end up agreeing withthem. Y'alls, I'll putty this way. At first you're saying your mind,this guy's pretty much full of Shit, this guy doesn't know me, thisguy doesn't understand me, and in five years you're talking like that guy. You know what I mean. You're that guy. You know you becauseyou learned through a lot of circumstances that he was absolutely correct. So I'mjust telling this is just stuff I've learned. I'm just passing it along to you. Your free. But if you think I'm full of shed and thisis does apply to you, that's fine. That's it said. That doesn't botherme at all. You know, what does it say? Selfish,selfsetting this room by hundred forms of fear, self delusion, selfseeking. We stepon toes of us. They Wedell iw lean, see me without provocation, where self over run, right, though we usually don't think so.So if you don't think any of the stuff is true, you're just ajust another chronic alcoholic, you know, coming through. You know one dayyou might come up and say, I used to think you're a full ofShit and now I like you, or something like that. But so oneof the things I used to think, as I used to think, thatI'm different than anybody I think one of the great things about alcoholics, anonymous, is just is you live your entire life thinking you're different than you're alone and nobody will understand you. Every once in a while you start thinkingabout who you are and you get really ashamed and embarrassed, a bag yourself, really ashamed. Man. If anybody really found out what I was thinking, they think I was fucking weird. You know what I mean. Youdon't even want to think what you're thinking. You don't want to think. Idon't want to know what you're thinking, Kevin, you know what I mean, but you only want to know. You don't want anybody know what you'rethinking. You don't want to think what you're thinking. You don't wantto admit what you're thinking. You think some pretty strange, crazy, whackedout thoughts. I know you do. I know you do. You see, that's the problem. You know it says. All be revealed, becauseso so you think you're different and that's what separates you from everybody else inthe world. When you feel so alone, you never really make a connection withanybody, because how can you? How can you talk to somebody andtell them who you really are? First of all, you don't even knowwho you are, but the little part you know about yourself are pretty fuckingshitty. You know what I mean, and I'm if you're going to tellthem that you you know, if you're an alcoholic, you're pretty much stillhad to fake it. You can fake it pretty good, but you knowwhat I mean, but deep down the side you're not going to. Maybe, you feel maybe if you drink. So that's why you like hanging arounddrunks, you know, because your drink...

...and you're drunk and you're all ofa sudden the real you sort of comes out and they come out and youfeel comfortable, but not normal people. You know they wouldn't like you.But then you come in here and somehow you feel comfortable because somehow you feelthat you're with people that are as crazy as you are. Why do Ifeel so good at name? Why do I like listen to that guy?Can see this fucking nuts, but not nuts in a bad way, likenuts in the way. I'm nuts. So I don't feel so I don'tfeel so alone now because I'm crazy, but I don't feel so bad nowbecause, man, I'm crazy, just like Russell's crazy. I'm crazy andthen you so you get this do I first you got to get rid ofthe old ideas. That may take twenty years to get rid of a lotof old, nice, still old ideas, and it takes a long time getrid of old ideas. But then you get the new ideas. Sothe old ideas is I'm different, nobody understands me, and you got anold idea say, man, I'm like everybody else. An alcoholist ain't differentat all, and that's a good thing because it makes you feel like youhave a fellowship, like you're close to people and you're you're not alone andyou can share things with people, and that that may take a long timeto, you know, come through, but it gets better and better.That's time goes on. And and so, since I buy into that and Iknow that's the truth, since I know that's the truth, you know, because alcoholics can't separate the truth from the fall, since I know thatthat's the truth, I feel comfortable and sharing what's on my mind. Idon't have to plan AA meetings because I'm comfortable whatever I shared a meetings.You know, there's going to be a bunch of people that that are thinkingthe same exact thing that could say. Man, I don't know what thatguy's talking about, you know, and there's gonna be a whole bunch ofpeople saying he's talking about me, because I've been do a lot of that'swhat happens. I said, you're talking about me. I said no,I'm talking about me. So I know that if I'm talking about myself,I'm probably sharing something that has to do with you or is going to haveto do with you. So all I try to do it a meet isjust try to be as transparent as possible, you know, true be try tobe as genuine as possible and sort of basically tell you what I thinkand what's going on. And one of the things that happens I book andsays the Maintenance of growth of a spiritualish and so we grow all that.We're always growing. So and any man, I today I went to I wentto I I had to go through surgery. Today, I went througha procedure. Okay, and I'm telling you this for a reason. That'sthe link up with something, because I'm an alcoholic. I happen to bean alcoholic and I have to do it. Gone through surgery. So I'm andtell you about a story about an alcohol going through surgery. Now,your alcoholics right, one day you may go through surgery. This may helpyou out, it may not, but it has something to do with that. So, because, because I'm an alcoholic and because I'm crazy, whathappens is, no matter what I go through in my life, somehow thecrate. There's nothing I go through in my life where the alcoholism, ofthe craziness, the insanity of alcoholism. Because after the I don't drink anymore. I stopped drinking. I mean, I know I could drink in ahalf an hour. I can be drunk an hour from now. But youknow, but, but I but, but I'm not worried about drinking becauseI've left it all in God's hands and he's taking care of me. He'staking care of me for thirty nine years. So I'm okay. I'm just leavingto his I'm not I don't have a hold of that thing, youknow, and I'm not fighting I'm not fighting the drink, you know.I mean I've given it to God and that's okay. But but the problemis, after I got every of the alcoholism I learned, I was crazyit doesn't take a long time. You just have to be sober and hangingaround the planet. You know, and you don't have to if, ifyou, if you have an IQ above above a carrot, you know whatI mean. After the first months, until you realize you're fucking nuts.Okay, you'll figure it out. You won't know what it is. You'lljust realize that you think crazy and you're acting crazy and you have to goto a lot of means here, a lot of stories. You realize thisis the disease, you know, and then you realize the second step says, you know that if I come to believe in a Paragram to myself,that I might restore me to sanity,...

...you know what I mean, andmy ideas and emotions out of May change and I might get I might gofrom insanity to saying, but the insanity is always there. It's always that'sso. So whatever I'm going through, you know there's going to be thephysical thing I'm going through, whether it's rope, whether it's losing a house, whether it's going through a broken romance. Whenever I'm going through, there's gonnabe the thing that's actually happened. There's gonna be the thing that actuallyhappens that I'm going through. I don't have enough money to pay the electricbill. You know, I I'm being arrested at whatever I'm going through inlife. Not only am I going through that, I'm going through that,but it's there's an overlay of the insanity. I'm track. My insanity is likeright on top of that, you know what I mean, and itdictates really how I react to that and at my feelings about myself and stufflike that. So, because I'm an alcoholic, it's hard to go throughit without dragging the insanity along, the fears and all that sort of stuff. So so I was going through surgery. So I that Surcherut went through.I'm not going to go through the whole thing and tell you the gorydetails, but but the bottom line, I mean obviously I'm here, I'mI'm alive, I'm you know, it's it's suck, but and it's somethingwhen you when you after the age of fifty, you go through it all. It's a colonosophy. You go through it all the time. And Yeah, you know what I talk about. The young young people don't even knowwhat it is, but that's a good so you got it. You gotit. You got a fast for the day before you don't need, whichyou know is going to you know, I ain't gonna harm me at all. You know, six months of fasting, I'd look the same way. Youknow, I'd be like chipping paint off the Queen Mary. You knowso, so and and and you got to drink this horrible stuff to goto flush your system out everything. Then you going. So I was atsix am in the morning. I'm in the hospital. So they're prepping mefor the surgery. I've been through it like four or five times. I'mso prepping me for the surgery, and that one of the guys that comesup, because they put you out. If you know what they put youout? They put it under anesthesia. Know, if you know anythink aboutanesthesia, whatever you get under anesthesia, there's always a chance. There's always, you know when that when, whenever they put you under stead, there'salways maybe a small chance that you ain't coming out. You know, Imean, I'm just telling you that just to make you feel good. Ifyou have to go through it, okay, it's never they're never going to tellyou. There's no chance of you dying. You understand I'm saying,because Shit happens. You know that kind of stuff. Oh, we wentin for some you're what happened to Russell? Yeah, he won't for a simpleprocedure. Next thing you know, he's dead. You know, andthat's just my alcoholism talking. You know what I mean. But, likeyou know, it's like when you get on a plane. You get ona plane, you're not worried, but you know you're probably going to bedead after you know it's gonna blow up or something. You know something thatI gotta said. You're always thinking about dying. Shit, but even it'slike in the back of your mind, but it's there. It's hanging outthere, you know. So the the anesthesiologist comes up to me, youknow, that's the systems up. Seems like a nice guy. He's likelaughing at joke and he's like having a good time. I'm about to die. He's out, a young guy, start something I'm going to use.Yeah, I know, I've been through it. I said you've been itbefore. I Say I've been through it before, and they give you likea sedative like valium or something like that, you know. And and but thebottom bottom. So he says, well, what are you going touse? Is What we don't use that stuff any what we use proping all. Yeah, that's the first fucking thing I said. I said that's theshit that killed Michael Jackson. That is the shit that killed that's true.That's the shit. And that's the ship, by the way, that kills alla bunch of dog guys, you know what I mean, guys inNA. And I know we got addicts and alcoholics. That's what they're alldying, because that makes of a problem. I but I see, the firstthing I think of is that's that kills Michael Jackson, because say something. Now it's getting fucking real for me, you know what I mean? Nowthe whole thing is getting real. Yeah, it'll be okay. Andand, but I was okay. And...

...so let me tell you why Iwas. Well, I was okay, like I said that to him.I sort of joke and there was no problem and I wasn't worried at allbecause, let me tell you why. Because about ten years before that Iwas in going in for real serious surgery. They were opening me up and everything, and that was when I had like twenty nine years, of twentyeight years and recovery and they're opening me up and they will me into theoperating room and my pastor was there because by then I hadn't going to achurch for like fifteen years. When I was fifteen years soldier, I startgoing to church because as a long stuff, I start going to Bible study aroundeleven years, you know, sober, because I wanted more and it saidsomething the book. I read something from the first time the book thatwe encourage church membership. And I was around fifteen years I got start gettingsponsored by a Baptist missionary, you know, and I had fifty six years,and so I started going to Bible study to start going to church.And so when I had about twenty something years, I was going to thesurgery and my pastor was there and my sponsor was there, John Glenn,like fifty seven years or some whatever. Sobriety and they were and and thesurgeon was there and they're all laying hands on me, praying over me.You know what laying hands are? They just laid put the hands on you, their own praying over me and I'm like, man, I don't knowhow to explain this to you, and I'm sitting up or down. Itdidn't matter me either way. You know what I mean. If I comeout, if I don't come out, I was because I knew I wasgoing to be. Okay, I can't explain that to you. I'm justtelling you the true. I'm just telling you the truth. I'm not goingto explain it to you. I'm not going to explain it to you becauseI can't explain it to you because if you just not there, you're justnot there. You understand what I'm saying because you got to be there.It's like, if you're an alcoholic, you know what it's like to not. You know, I can day because I couldn't stop drinking. How manypeople ever got to the point but they couldn't stop drinking? They tried,but they couldn't stop. Okay, so now you go out there and youfind some guy's not an alcohol and you try to explain to him that yougot to appoint your life where you couldn't stop drinking and you see whether theyunderstand what the fuck you're talking about. You try to explain that to him, you try to explain why I have to keep on going to meeting.You try to explain to your alcoholism. Okay, don't get all frustrated.Oh, you can't explain because they just not they just not there. Theyain't there. So I was at a point in my life, but whateverit is, twenty something years after not only going to a lot of means, but in reading the book and going through all the stuff you go through, you have to go through, and I was at a point in mylife where we're at. My faith, my faith in God, had developed. You know, that third step thing. What does it say? Made adecision and turn your will in your life on the care of God,you know, and you kind to believe that Palchrim you start, you know, you know all that stuff they talk about. Now I that doesn't reallyhelp you that much. I mean it's a good thing to do, butI mean, I mean that's like a one second thing. You get downon your knees and you say a third step prayer and then you get upand you're like basically the same person you're worth five seconds ago. You know, and you but I had gone to a certain point in my life whereI was doing that like over and over again, like every five seconds.You know, you know what it's like to you know, the serenity prayer, the thing we said, God grant me the Serendis excepting. You knowwhat it's like to say that all the time. I was saying that allthe time. Let me tell you something. From one day sober until forever,I was saying the surreenity prayer all the time for the first fifteen years, because there's a lot of stuff to accept in this world. Let metell you, there was a lot of shit going on in my world.Old You know I'm about you, but there's a lot going on where Ihad to say the surendy driving in traffic. I had to say the surending prayerof twenty of fifty times. But so I was saying the Surrey perhapsdoing all the stuff that we do. But somewhere around twenty years or so, something had happened. I had I gone like from sort of like thefirst view step, I had gone into like the eleventh step, the consciouscontact deal. Where I was you know...

...that part where it says we havethe great factors this and nothing less. What does it say? It saysthe great fact is this and nothing less and says our creator has become thecenter, central idea of the central piece of our lives. That's what itsays. It says we are we are convinced, we are absolutely certain,we are absolutely certain. I'm not lying. It's in the book. It saysour Creator has become the center fact of our lives, a central factof our lives. We are absolutely certain that he lives in our heartsome lives, which is a way which is indeed miraculous, is doing for us whatwe can't do for ourselves. Let me tell you something. There is abig difference. There is a now a lot of people have done the thirdstep. Right. Why do you people have done third step? Second step? You know, you say the serenity prayer at every meeting. Maybe everyonce while you pray, but there's a big difference between saying the serenity prayerand doing the third step and making your creative the central fact of your life. There's a big difference between saying the third step, doing the surrounding prayerand being absolutely certain that God lives in your hearts and lines in a waywhich isn't deed. But I'm just telling you this. A difference, notputting you down. There's a different now here's the good news. There's nota person in here who can't experience that second deal somewhere after round twenty yearsor something like that. I was there. I was at that place, whateverthat place is they talked about in the book. We're on a newbase, the base of trust, rely upon God. We never argue aboutthe thing we you know. We just let it demonstrate. All I wasat that place, not because I'm smarter than anybody, it's just at thatplace, you know, that deal. So so when I was being wheeledin to the operating rule and I know that there was a possibility I wouldn'twake up, I've been sober for what out twenty something years and had awife and kids, I was I was fine, there was no problem.Didn't wake up, did wake up, I was. I was fine becausein my theology, after you know, if I die, I'm with theLord Anyway. So it's all worked. It all works out, you know. So so it's just sort of like it's just my faith. It justdeveloped at that point where I didn't I didn't that. That didn't give meany fear. Now let me just tell you something, something I need totell you, and there and and from that time and whenever it is,I can't put it I can't put in an hour or a day or aminute on it. From whenever that point was in my life where most ofthose fears are overcome by faith. Maybe it was the twenty years, maybeit was at nineteen years. For last twenty years my life has been sortof like that way. I'm not saving perfect. I never had a badmoment, but I'm saying my life has been basically a life of being tranquiland peaceful and serene, like they say in the they say in the promisesyou'll know one will know a new freedom and a new happiness, you'll knowserenity and you will know peace. Yeah, that's not I just want to tellyou it's not a it's not bullshit, it's not a story. It's sucha something thrown in there. They're not lying to that can happen,that can actually listen. Let me tell you this. I'll look you guyin the eye, who can't stop drinking. I'll say you come to a I'llpromise you you can stop drinking. You may think I'm crazy, butI'm telling the truth. I'm telling you now. You're in a you canstop worrying about shit if you want to. You can stop wor any that.It is true what they say in the book about the promises. Thesethings are happening for you. You'll know new freedom, you'll lose fear people. Yeah, I'm I promise you you can get to the point where you'lllose for your people. You'll get to the point where you could talk infront of a thousand people not knowing what you're going to say before you getup there and you can talk and you won't be scared. You understand?I'm I promise you that will happen to you. I know you're thinking that'simpossible. I'd freak out I could.

I'm telling you it's possible. I'mtelling you you get to put where you have no money in the bank,you have nothing there, and you won't be scared. I'm telling you that'snow. You think that's fucking crazy. I know you think it's crazy.I'm just telling you as possible. Okay, you can believe me and not belieme if you wanted. It's up to you, but I also wantto tell you this. Here's the second part of that. Before I gotto whatever, whatever point I got to where I'm telling you this stuff,before I got there, at ten years, at five years, at three years, at two years, it was freaky. It wasn't fun. IWant I can't. I know it was. I can't make that statement. Youknow, the thing I'm telling you about this is what happened to meafter go that's what happened to me after going through twenty years of stark ravingfear, sober. You know, I can also tell you stories about abouttimes an a at one year, at three years, at five years,at twenty years, at you know whatever it is, at ten years,where I'd be going through something and I'd be in stark raving fear for aweek and I wouldn't be able to get rid of it and no matter whatI did, I couldn't get rid of it. I kept on thinking aboutwhat's going to happen me? What's going to happen if they for close onthe house? What's going to happen if I lose the money? What's goingto happen if they take the car? What's going to happen if, ifthis happens or that happens. We're all I did was and the and sometimesthe only thing I could do who was just not drink for the day.Sometimes for me at five years just I remember I was doing a step meanup in Fort Laurderdale and I had ten years and I was absolutely broken.I had three kids and I was three months behind the more each and Iwas absolutely insane with worried and you know, I let me tell you, sayingsay the serenity prayer and all that sort of stuff. You know,you can say this serendy prayer fifteen thousand times doesn't put a diamond the bank. I can tell you that. And and but I had to do thismeeting up and for Laurderdale and I drove up before Laurderdale and you know,I'm an alcohol so I know how to say, to pick up the phoneand say I'm sorry, I can't make it, my mother died or something, and then, you know, be a thumbsucking crybaby and sit at homeworried about myself. And but I the only thing I knew to do wasto continue my obligations in a so I drove up to I went up tofor Laurderdale and I did the meeting, just like I'm doing this meeting.You know, maybe probably better than I'm doing this meaning. But I droveup and I did the meeting. Then after me and I talked to otherpeople about their problems. And I'm driving back and as I'm a hitting thethe as I'm hitting right around here, that that crazy section what they calleda golden glades. I remember as I'm going down to golden glades in anddriving south and I all of a sudden a thought game to me. It'scrazy. Thought came to me. He says, you know, Russ youdon't have any money, you have a wife and three kids. They maybe foreclosed in on your house. You've had all these worries and all theseconcerns and you just went up, notwithstand that, to an a meeting.You met your obligation. You Talk to a lot of people when you triedto help people and you're still sober. And all of a sudden I startedfeeling real fucking good about myself. I think it's something called self esteem.I think it's something called self esteem, but you know, some the onlyway I start thinking about how incredible, what a fucking miracle and how greatit was and I start feeling real good about myself. But the only wayI could get there was I had to go through the desert. I hadto go through the desert man, I had to be crushed, I hadto go through the I had to go through the suffering. I had tosuffer. You know, I've suffered a...

...lot sober and alcoholics. Anonymous.I've suffered a lot sober, worrying about material things and alcoholics. Anonymous.I've suffered a lot sober. You know when the sixth step and it saysthis is the set that separates the men from the boys. Let me tellyou some wife separates the men from the boys. Shit that happens will separatethe men from the boys. That I can tell you that at we'll separateyou out, it'll separate you. This thing is going to be totally easy. Let me tell you. In the way God works in my life.Sometimes, you know, you may not be feeling good about what's going onin your life. Sometimes I feel like nothing's happening, nothing's changing. Letme tell you something. Here's the deal. I don't change me. God changesme. You know, let me tell you something. I water thetree, I put fertilizer on the tree. You know, I make sure thetree get sunlight. God grows the tree. I don't change God.And you want to some funny thing about God. God doesn't necessarily consult me. He just does. He just I don't know why he doesn't. Hedoesn't let me know. Russ, I know you feel like you're like apiece of shit and you feeling down and you feeling like nothing's changed in yourlife because your but I want to tell you something. I'm making some great, major changes in your life. I'm just not letting you know about it. But one day you're going to see it. One day you're going tobe coming off the golden glades enter change in a change and you're going tosee this deal. I'm going to give you a glimpse. I'm going togive you a glimpse into who you can become, because you know, it'seasy to be happy with your life and grateful and feeling good when everything's goingyour freaking way, when everything's going when you got money in your pocket,you got a girlfriend or a boyfriend that the romance is going good, andyou got a house and you got a car and you got a job andeverything's going great, it's easy to feel high. In my I'll tell youwhen it's at least something, when everything's going to shit and you still feelokay, when you got something like my sponsors says, equanimity, where youfeel at peace with yourself even though all sorts of things are fallen down aroundyou. I mean, that's that. Let me tell you something. Ifyou can feel good about yourself when everything's going to shit, then you gota pretty good shot of never at being in a situation where anything makes youfeel bad. You understand that. When your life is such that your bankaccount and what's in it bothers you, when your life is such where whatcar you're driving bothers you, when your life is such where whether you havea girlfriend or boyfriend or a lack they're up sort of botherish you were concerned. When your life is such that you use sort of like determine your happinessbased upon the shit you have and the stuff you have, you know something. Your life is hostage to all the material thing. You're not living life. Let me tell you something. You can tell me your spiritual not andyou can say to me a million times I'm spiritual not religious. It's justall fucking bullshit. If you still worry about that stuff, you know you'renot spiritual. You don't even know what the word means. Don't tell you. Tell me. You're worried about the money and you're worried about the carand you're worried about the romance, worried about your girlfriend, but your spiritual, not religious. Don't give me that stuff. You know what I mean, because when your spiritual, what happens is you. You the only thing. You're focused on things of the spirit. You know it says in the bigbook. Itsel'll tell you what it says. It says. It saysif we make a decision, a serious decision for God, he says wemust get really selfishness, we must our kills us. God makes that possible. So once to make that decision for God also to remarkable things happen.Being all powerful, give us everything we need if we stay close to himand perform his work right in. His work is helping other people. Idon't see anything in there about getting laid. I really don't. I known justthought. Is it in the big book? The only a's in thebig book back in laid and says if...

...you think about it a lot andyou're screwed up, like Bill Wilson, he says you throw yourself into helpingmore people. That's the only thing that says the big book. The imperiousurge if that thing is attacking, if it's attacking you. I sponsor alot of guys that are alcoholics and sex addicts. That's I don't think Isponsor anybody that isn't a sex as. I have a dount think I've everhung around in alcohol who wasn't a sex addict, because we drink and talkabout having sex and that's all we taught, that's all we do. That's likea hobby or something. And also, I don't know, I know womenaren't like that, but guys it's like a big deal for guys.So that makes it sort of understandable when you see this, when you getto step seven in the big book and it says we're talks about the boysix and seven, when it talks about they where we got a new perspectiveon things, is unbelievably painful. You know that the way we get newprospective you want to get a new perspective on things. Guess what. It'sunbelievely painful. You know. It says we learned the value of suffering.How would you like to learn the value of suffering? You know, theymodeled this off of the book of James. Book of James. First thing itsays, the first Ralf the book of James Says Rejoice when you havetrials and problem, problems of every kind. You imagine that this thing is funus. By the way, this program has been around for a longtime. I mean Bill Wilson would never say I discovered this program. Okay, you know we put it in certain words, but the bottom line isit has been around for a long it says we rejoice when we have trialsof many kinds because we don't feed persevere through trials and we focus on God. We make him to send piece of our lives. He says our firstfaith will get stronger, it will change and will be and that's the deal. This problem has been a long round, for a long time. It's thesame program it was thousands of years ago, it says. It saysthe way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations. Anybody here everbeen humiliated? Anybody here ever found themselves in a situation where they feel shittyabout themselves? Yeah, but you ever been in a shower or something,or somewhere driving along the road and all of a sudden you're thinking, man, I'm a fucking Asshole, I kill myself. Not that you're going tokill yourself, you just got to keep on telling yourself you want to killyourself because it you ever feel like you're not fit for living, like you'reuseless, like you're a piece of shit, that you're worthless, that you'll neverbe okay, ever, you ever have that feeling? I mean youmight not have the same kind of disease I have. Maybe you have likea milder fucking form of this disease where you're just happy all the time andeveryone's well and you have a drinking you can't stop or something. I havethe disease where, you know, a disease worthlessness, of uselessness. That'sprobably why they say in the promises that feeling of uselessness will disappear. Well, why would they say the feeling of uselessness would disappear unless, unless weall have a feeling of uselessness. Otherwise, why would they say that to alcoholics. I guess if you're an alcohol you have a feeling of uselessness,and if you don't have a feelings of uselessness, you're just fucking lines toyourself. That's not you're just in denial, you're just the or you're just you'renot an alcoholic. You just hanging out here, try to get somecoffee or piece of ass or something, I don't know, around the parkinglot, smoking, trying to press me would whatever the hell you're doing,you know what I mean. So we're so I'm hanging out with people.There's what I'm doing, not hang around people that are just like me.They feel useless, they feel depressed, they feel there and fear. They'reworried about all this sort of Shit, you know what I mean. Andthe alcohol isn't even a problem. It's all the other shit and all they'redoing to sell themselves. No, I'm not really worried about that shit.You don't understand me. Hang around a bunch of that so screwed up indisease and they don't even know they're screwed up disease, and the only answeris God, right, and the only way we can turn to God andfigure out our problem is. We have to go through suffering. We haveto have God take all the money away, all the boyfriends away, all thegirl friends away, all the romance away, everything away. So wearinga damn car driving up the Broward county to do a step series, withall this other stuff on our mind, so that we can finally do,do what the God, what God wants...

...us to do, so we canrealize that, you know, we've been given a great gift, because we'vebeen given the gift of sobriety and instead of worrying about ourselves, we're thinkingabout other people. How do you get that gift? And like, youjust got to go through that Shit and you got it and here's the deal. You can't go it's not like one of these deals. You go throughit once and you'll learn the lesson. No, the same one of thosedeals. Well, I've been sober three months, I should learn the lesson. You know something, I heard that Guy Russell. I really think whathe's right. I agree with that. I think he's right. So Iguess I'm sure. No, no, no, no, no. Iheard all the shit he went through. All I heard the crap he wentthrough. Now that I've heard it, I really understand it. Now Iwon't have a problem. And now you're gonna have to go through the yourI walked through the desert. You'RE gonna have to walk through the desert.You know, don't hey, you come to me crying and wanted about aproblem. You have your Brog your girlfriend left to your boyfriend left, whateverhell it is. You know I'm saying, Hey, I had to go throughit, why don't you go through it? You know what I mean, and I'll bet. Who Have you been? Yeah, that's why youhave guys, older guys, alcoholic, snice. You start wanting to him, they say hey, how many people are you sponsoring? Make some coffeeor something. It's like that. It's almost like they don't give a shit. You know what I mean? They don't give a shit. They reallydon't, because they know what you're going through. Here's what they know.They know the crap you're going through is what you need to go through inorder to get to the other side. They know that what you're going through. It's like God saying it hurts me more than it hurts you know,like they say hun son, this is hurting me more than it hurts you, you know, it's like you're going through as an alcoholic, what youhave to go through in order to get where you have to go, inorder to get to the next level. That's the deal. That's what itsays in this book. It says it talks about humility and seven. Howdo you get this gaining it says. For us, the process of gaininga new perspective was unbelievably painful. It was only by repeated humiliations that wewere forced to learn. You've got to be forced to learn something about humility. It was only at the end of a long road marked by successive defeatsand humiliations, successive that means more than one time, and the final crushingof our Selfsufficiency, like like a bruise, is not bad enough. You gotto be crushed, that we begin to feel humility as something more thana condition of grubbling despair. Every newcomer in alcoholics anonymous total, and somerealizes for himself that his humble admission of palasis over alcohol is his first steptowards liberation from its paralyzing grip, grip, grip. So it is that wefirst see humility as a necessity. You know I mean. So that'show we get it in here. Just get crushed and crushed and crushed.You know what's one of the lines I heard about. You know, Ican alcohol anymous when the consequences of my drinking came at me faster than myability to lower my standards. I mean, you just have to get crushed andcrushed, and that's what the first ten years, that's where the firstfive years is. That's what the first ten years is. That's what thefirst fifteen year don't be shocked and surprised when you're an AA and you gotten or fifteen years and your your sufframe or you're going through something, you'resucking your thumb or feeling sorry. Don't be surprised. That's what this dealis all about. You Know Me. Just you know. That's what thedifference is between the men and the boys. That's what you have to get.That's the boot camp. You're in the Marine Corps, that's the bootcamp. You don't become a marine and let's go to boot camp. Youdon't become an adult in here unless you go through the bullshit. That's whatit is, you know. So, but on the other end of that. On the other end of that, if you go through it, youknow just because you feel bad, not just because you're not happy. Iknow this is a shocker. Just because you're not happy and you feel baddoesn't mean that there's anything wrong. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean thatthe thing ain't working or there's anything wrong.

Sometimes you just have to go throughstuff the seventh step to bring you closer to the eleventh step. Sothat's all I got tonight. Thank you very much.

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