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Episode 9 · 1 year ago
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Episode 9 · 1 year ago
Russell S - Desert time before the Promised Land @ West Dixie Club 2019-2020 #11
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Old Day it's not for Sistic, I can tellyou that wow, let me noto young people here, wow with me: okay, Buddy. How old are you eighty seveneighty, seven, I'm like a child compared to you, I'm like. I can't even I feel bad aboutcomplaining. I Mani Tell You whatthat's alcoholic yhe, cant trust the fuckingWord Ther, sad. How old are you Linson Bhat? How old are you that's a fucking age, Atan, twentythree, my Tspon, my name is Rosse. My name is Rossal.I'm an alcohol Howr you doing, Tali E, just seeyogood o be Seenyeah, bette beokay, so I haven't found that SA' drink since January, O thousnd Fi, nineteen,eighty one so iis, my birthday, moth I'll have thirtynine years this month, God willing. If I make it yeah, I forge that's the only a plause,I'm goin no get from this group. So so here's the DU I' going to talk.Somebody ask me whats Stepin, my O, I'm o! Do I'm gonna, do seven eleven, alittle seven and eleven throw some other stuff in there. We like aMilkshak, you know so that's my plan. At least that's my thing Ang, I justthogt that up as I was walking up here, it's good to be here. It's good group,I'm doing the last meeting next week and then I go up to Bolca to do that.I'm meeting on Thursday nights at in Mysna Park up there. So that's justanother hour north. What the Heck I so has anybody in here you don't have toraise your hands ever felt like really down. You know really Yeav you ever have thatout. You feel really I mean really Dan. You know really like like what the fuck you might as wellcash it in you know y. So I want to talk about how great that is. You know, you know you guys you guys when youfeel really down. You know, there's a possibility that when I've used to feelreally bad, I used to think that was a bad thing. You know. Sometimes alcoholics are atthe worst when they feel really good and they're at their best when theyfeel really bad. Did you know that? Is that a strange thing huh? I don't know something about ourpersonalities. So this Guy Rollin hazard he he he went into a treatment center, DrCraul Young streetment center, for about a year whatever it was and hedidn't drink, and he thought now knowing the inte workers of my mind andhow y how I think drinking is impossible and then the next line ofthe book it says. Nevertheless he was drunk in a week who knows he just just was drunk so hewhat goes up back to doctr Carl Young, greatest psychiatrists at the time and them psychiajust got bless hing,they're great. You know I've been to a few and help me out, but they stillhave to figured out how to hear us. They just haven't invented the pill togive us integrity, or you know, help us GIV help us give a shit about otherpeople. You know and stuff like that, but in an event there's a lot of things youcould do in this world besides drentand to distract you from the crummysituation and stopping from doing...
...things, and so he goes up back to Dr Young and hesays to Dr Young. He says: What's The problem with me: Is there nohope- and so Dr Young says he he wasn't feeling so roland- wasn'tfeeling so good. You know that part of the book it says, do not be discouraged,Rollin was discouraged, and so he goes back to young and he says.Is there any hope for me and the doctor tells him he says hesays you are chronic. This is ALCOHOLC.anomous right just want to make sure I didn accidentally wander into the Kanaclub or something so so so I take how many apocs are RaseRanif you're, an OTCO okay, you need to listen to this. This may have somethingto do with you, so he says that Roln Hazard, he says you have the mind of achronic alcoholic and I don't know the vibes in this room.I just have this feeling after being round you G Y, because I hung out withalcoholic I've been hanging out with alcoholic, so Roh Ale, for thirty nineyears, and before that I was hanging out with drinking alcoholics, so I havea history of just hanging out with alcoholics. You understand what I'msaying so I kind of I kind of, and I like them, I like Ao. God knows I likeHem, you know I get Hem, you know, and so so I feel like there. Maybe I'm likesurrounded by guys and Gars that have the samecondition that Rolan Hazard has or hat you know Ro. So he says you have themind of right. Chronic alcoholic I have never been successful, would treat he patient where that stateof mind existed, and so Rolin Hazard says. Well this there any exception. He says: Yeah yess exception is hereand there once in a while, like once in a blue moon. You know we these guys change. It'slike a phenomena which is like a scientific way of saying miracle 's,like a miracle. They change. I see miracles all the time in AA fivephenomena, all the time you don't blieve, you God phenomena all the timein a but you guys are like phenomenous, because you guys are alcoholics right.You know and like I'm talking and nobody else is talking- I used to hangout with out box and bars everybody's talking. At the same time, nobody culdbe quiet. People are whispering. Well. What is this shit? You know what I mean.They're like you, like almost like behave yourselves. You know it's likeunbelievable alcoholics behaving what the hell is going on. So he says you have the mind and hesaid he says here and there once in a while. You know he says: There's thispsychic change, they're, not even drugged up, saystheres. I sank a change. He says this is how he describes it. I like the wayhe describes it it' because it's true becaus ideas, emotions and attitudes,which is pretty much a personality, ideas, emotions and attitudes that arethe guiding forces of these men's lives later on the book. When they talk aboutSelvis theselfsed of this, you know they took that the driving forces, thefear and everything, but the guiding fords wire, these men's lives andwomen's like are pushed the one side and they become dominated by a wholenew set of ideas, emotions and attitudes, and that's how it's somesort of they become like New People. As matter of fact, in the book they use aChristian term. Basically they say in the book. Alcoholiti they say werereborn. He said we have a live life on ar newbasis, a new fit footing. You know trusting and relying upon God, it'slike to like completely different creatures like we're, not the people.We were before you're, not the people you were beforeyou came in here, you're different, I'm not even get this. I was planningon coming back here today from l. A lot of you guys were here last week. I wasplanning on coming back here today to...
...do this meening, but unfortunately Ididn't make it. I wanted to make it, but I didn't makeit so. The guy you see tha because the guy who's sitting here is not the sameguy. Who was here last week, because what this says is this is themaintenance of growth of a spiritual condition. So this this change wherethings have pushed to one side and you grow. It's not like it's a staticchange. Like you, stayin in place every day, you change every hour, you changeevery week, you change everything, so I'm not even talking to the same people.I was talking to last week because you're all different people, becausethe week has gone by and you've gone through a week of stories. You knowwhat it says. Our stories, Tis Gu every day is a story every day, a new story,maybe five or ten different stories. You know if I was sitting down and talkto, you have a few stories for me and the story now, depending upon yourattitude and your focus, you know you, thestories may change you for the better or they may change you for the worst.You know, but I mean we're all different people in this deal and, and you know one of the thingsI've learned. You know we have a lot of old ideas, one of the old ideas that Ithink you learned real fast, and I think this is probably one of thefastest ideas. You know you can tell them. You can think about now. Listen,I'm just telling you! This is based on my experience. This Bun, you know mysponsor, say well, the Mal with experience mes a man with money. Theman with experience will walk away with the money in the mail with the moneywill walk away with an experience. You know you give me a guy with experienceanytime, okay and my experiences is that the things they say in the bigbook are correct and a lot of things you learn to here, even though theysound, weird and strange are correct. They end you end up agreeing with them.YEAHET'S OT put it this way at first you're saying your mind, this guy'spretty much full of Shit. This guy doesn't know me this guy doesn'tunderstand me and in five years you're talking like that guy, you know what Imean you're that guy you know you, because you learn through a lot ofcircumstances that he was absolutely correct. So I'm just telling this isjust stuff. I've learned I'm just passing it along to you you're free,but if you think I'm full of shed and this doesapply to you, that's fine,that's it that doesn't bother me at all. You know what does it say: SelfarcensOlf setting this Drim by hundred forms of fear, selfdellusion, selfseeking,WEC, stup untils was they retalian see mewith out provagation wich self overand right though we usually don't think so. So, if you don't think any of thisstuff is true you just a just another tronic alcoholic you know comingthrough. You know one day you might come up and say I used to think you'rea full of ship, and now I like you or something like that, but so one of thethings I used to think is. I used to think that I'm different than any pay. I think one of the great things aboutalcoholics, Andotusis Jus. You live your entire life thinking you'redifferent than you're alone, and nobody 'll understand you every once in a while. You startthinking about who you are and you get really ashamed and embarrass the Bakyourself really ashamed man. If anybody really found out what Iwas thinking e think I was fucking weird. You knowwhat I mean. You don't even want to think what you think. Youani d want toknow what you're thinking Kevic. You know what I mean, but you don'l want toknow you don't want anybody, know what you're thinking you don't want to thinkwhat you're thinking you don't want to admit what you're thinking you thinksome pretty strange, crazy, whacked out thoughts. I know you do. I know you do se that's the problem.You know it says all be revealed because so you so you think you'redifferent and that's what separates you from everybody else in the world whenyou feel so alone, you never really make connection with anybody, because how can you? How can you talk tosomebody and tell them? Who You really are? First of all, you don't even knowwho you are, but the littl part you know about yourself are pretty fuckingshitty. You know what I mean and if you're going to tell them that you, youknow if you're not caught Youre, pretty much still how to fake it, you canthanke it pretty good. You know what I mean but deep down the side: You're notgonna. Maybe if ti Dr, maybe if you drink sort of that's what you likehanging around drunks, you know, Butius...
...you drinkind you're, drunk and You'allof a sudden, the real ouse sort of comes out and they come out and youfeel comfortable, but not normal people. You know they wouldn't like you, butthen you come in here and somehow you feel comfortable, because somehow youfeel that you're with people that are as crazy as you are. Why do I feel so good? An a? Why don'tI like o? Listen to that gucecause? He is fucking nuts, but not nots in a bad way like nuts inthe way, I'm nuts. So I don't feel so. I don't feel so long now because I'mcrazy, but I don't feel so bad now, because man I'm crazy, just likerussells, crazy, I'm crazy, and then you so you get this new. I first yougot to get rid of the old ideas that may take twenty years to get rid of alot of old, but I still have all diges and it takes a long time to get rid ofold ideas. But then you got the new idea, so the old ideas is I'm different.Nobody understands me, you got an old idea, say man, I'm, like everybody else,an I play this ain't different at all and that's a good thing because itmakes you feel, like you have fellow Shit like you Y, U you're close topeople and you're you're, not alone, and you can share things with peopleand that that may take a long time to you know come through, but it getsbetter and better. That's time goes on, and- and so since I buy into that- and Iknow that's the truth since I know that's the truth, you know becausealcoholics can't separate the through fom the fall. Since I know that's thetruth, I feel comfortable in sharing. What's on my mind, I don't have to planaams because I'm comfortable whatever I shared a meetings, you know there'sgoing to be a bunch of people that that are thinking the same exact thingI could say wat. I don't know what that guy's talking about you know andthere's gonna, be a whole bunch of people. Saying he's talking about mebecause I've been to a lot O. that's what happens. I said you're talkingabout Thi said no, I'm talking about me. So I know that if I'm talking aboutmyself, I'm probably sharing something that has to do with you or is going tohave to do with you. So all I try to do it. A need is just try to be astransparent as possible. You know tru try to be as genuine aspossible and so to basically tell you what I think and what's going on andone of the things that happens a book and says the maintenance of growth of aspiritcelition, so we grow all that we're always growing so and an amen. I today I went to I went to I had to go through surgery.Today I went through a procedure. Okay and I'm telling you this for a reason:that's the link up with something because I'm an alcoholic, I haven' bean alcoholic, and I happened to have gone throughsurgery, so I'm Goin to tell you about a story about an alcoholc going throughsurgery. Now your alcoholics right one day, youmay go through searchery. This may help you out it may not, butit has something to do with that. So because, because I'm an ALCOHOLC andbecause I'm crazy, what happens is no matter what I go through in my life, somehow the crate there's nothing! I gothrough in my life where the alcoholism of the craziness, the insanity ofalcoholism, because after the bose I don't drink anymore, I stop drinking. Imean I know I could drink in a half. An hour can be drunk coming out from now,but you know, but but I but but I'm not worried about drinking, becauseI've left it all in God's hands and he's taking care of me he's Taykingcare of me for thirty nine years. So I'm okay, I'm just leaving it his I'm.Not. I don't have a hold of that thing. You know and I'm not fighting it, I'mnot fighting the drink. You know I mean I'me, given it to God and that's okay,but but the problem is is after I got rid of the alcoholism. I learned I wascrazy. It doesn't take a long time. You just have to be sover and hangingaround the planet. You know and you don' Hav if you have an IQ above above a carrot.You know what I mean after the first Monto to you realize you'R fucking,thats, okayyou'll figure it out. You won't know what it is. You'll justrealize that you think crazy and racting crazy AFE. You go to a lot ofmeans, hear a lot of soys you life. This is the disease, you know, and thenyou realize the second step says you know that if I come to belieave in aproagram ton myself that I might...
...restore me to sanity, you know what Imean and my ideas and emotions out. It may change and I might get I may gofrom insanity to Sayn, but the insanityis always there. It's alwaysthat so so, whatever I'm going through, you know there's going to be thephysical thing, I'm going through whether it's broke, whether it's losinga house, whether it's going through a broken romance. Whatever I'm goingthrough tthere's gonna, be the thing: that's actually happened. There's GonNa be the thing that actually happens that I'm going through. I don't haveenough money to pay the electric bill. You know I'm being arreste whatever I'm goingthrough in life. Not only am I going through that, I'mgoing through that, but it's there's an overlay of the insanity, I'm Trak. Myinsanity is like right. On top of that, you know what I mean, and it dictatesreally how I react to that and my feelings about myself and stuff likethat. So because I'm an alcoholic it's hard to go through t it withoutdragging the insanity along the fears in Al Sort of stuff. So so I was going through surgery, so thesearch I went through, I not going to go through the whole thing and tell yothe gory details, but but the bottom Li I mean. Obviously I'm here, I'm alive,I'm you know it's it's, but and it's something when you when you, after theedge of fifty you go through it all, it's a Colinof sqee you go through itall the Timeyeah Youkno. What I thou about the young younger people don'teven know what it is, but that's Oso you got t you got ta you got at fastfor the day before you don't need, which you know isn't gonna. You know Iain't going to harm me at all. You know six months of fast and I'd look thesame way. You know it'd be like chipping Payn off the Queen Mary. Youknow, Soso and, and and you got to drink this horrible stuff to go toflush your system out everything and then you go in so I was at six am inthe morning, I'm in the hospital, so they're prapping me for the SURTYJourney. I've been through it like four or five times o. So I prefer me for thesurgery and thaone of the guys that comes upbecause they put you out if you know what they put yea out, they put itunder a Astegou know. If you know anything about Anasthesia whetever youget under anesthesia, there's always a chance. There's always you know when thwh N, whenever they put you on the there's, always maybe a small chacethat you ain't coming out, you I mean I'm just telling you that just to makeyou feel good. If you have to go through it, okay, it's never theyre,never going to tell you there's no chance of you dying. You understand I'msaying because Shit happens. You know that kind of stuff onwe went in forsome yere. What happened? T rosully yeah. He wanted for a simple procedure.NEX thing you know, he's dead, you know and that's just my Alcoholismcokin O. No,what I mean but, but you know it's like when you get on aplane, you get on a plane, you're not worried, but you know you're, probablygoing to be dead after you know it's going to blow up or something- and youknow something I kind of a you'R, always thinking about dying shit, buteven it's like in the back of your mind, but it's there it's hanging out there,you o so the the annest esiologist comes upto me. Yea thatstence, as comes o, seems like a nice guy he's likelaughing and joking he's like having a good time, I'm about to die, hes Oyoungguy and he says well. This is what we're going Ta do. He said Somein Lonew SAS yeah. I know I've been through it. I said Whatsi, you been it beforeSa. I've been through it before and they give you like a sedatim like valumor something like that. You know and and but the bottom bottom. So he says well,what are you GOINNA EHES? What we don't use that stuff inwhat we use propand Ol yeah, that's the first fucking thing Isaid I said: that's the Shit that killedMichael Jackson. That is the shit that killed. That'strue, that's a shit and that's tha ship Ou wher. It kills all a bunch of DUB guys. You know what I mean guys inAna and I know we got addics and alcoholics. That's what they're alldying O, because Theyre Maki e problem, but is the first thing I think of- isthat's Ati that fills Michael Jackson because from teday something now it'sgetting fucking real for me. You know, I mean now. The whole thing is gettingreal. Yeah Yah be okay Nand, but I was okay,and...
...so let me tell you why I was well. Iwas okay like I said that to him y sort of joke and that there was no problem and I wasn't worried at all, because let me tell you why, because about tenyears before that I was in going in for real serioussurgery, they were opening me up and everything, and that was when I had like twentynine years or twenty eight years, an recovery, and they were opening me upand they will me into the operating room and my pastor was there becaus ly,then I 'd en going to a church for like fifteen years when I 'd fifteen yearsold, I still going to church because it's a long stuff. I start going toBible study around eleven years. You know sover because I wanted more and itsaid something in the book. I read some from the first on book that weencourage Church membership and I was around fifteen years I guot SAR gettingsponsored by a Baptist missionary. You know and O had fifty six years, and soI started going to Bible Stati start going to to church, and so when I hadabout twenty something years I was going to the surgery and my pastor was there and my sponsor? Was There John Lyn, like fifty seven years or somet,whatever sopriety and they were, and the surgeon was there and they're alllaying hands on me? Praying over me. You know with layin hands Ou. They justLAK put their hands on you they're on prayit over me and I'm like man. Idon't know how to explain this to O and I'm sitting up or down it didn't matterme either way. You know what I mean. If I come out. If I don't come out, I wasbecause I knew I was going to be okay. I can't explain that to you, I'm justtelling you the truth, I'm just telling you the truth, I'm not going to explainit to you, I'm not going to explain it to you,because I can't explain it to you, because if you just not there you're,just not there, you understand what I'm saying. ECAUSE you got to be there,it's like if you're an alcoholic, you know what it's like to not. You know Icam DA, because I couldn't stop drinking, how many people ever got tothe pone, where they couldn't stop Drinki, they tried, but they couldn'tstop. Okay. So now you go out there and you find some guy whos an ot of alcoholand you try to explain to hem that you got to appoint your life where youcouldn't stop drinking and you see what they understand. What the fuck you'retalking about! You try to explain that. Toim. You tryto explain your way at to keep Bot going to meat. You try to explain toHem your alcoholism. Okay, don't get all frustrate o! You can't explainbecause they just not theyr just not there. They ain't there. So I was at apoint in my life, at whatever it is twenty, something years after not onlygoing to a lot of means, but in reading the book and ogoing through all thestuff you go through, you have to go through, and I was at a point in my life where,where my faith, my faith in God, had developed, you know that third stepthing: What does it say made a decision? Tarnd you willing your life on Te Careof God. You know, and you kind to believe that Packeryou shot. You knowyou know all that stuff they talk about now. No that doesn't really help you.That much. I mean it's a good thing to do, but I mean I mean that's like a one.Second thing you get down on your knees and you say the Thurstep prayer and youthen you get up ten you're like basically the same person. Your werefive seconds ago. You know, and but I had gone to a certain point in my life,where I was doing that like over and over again like every five seconds. Youknow what it's like to. You know the surrinding prayer, the thing we Sai Goggram, miniss range acceptit. You know what it's like to say that all the timesaying that all the time right, let me tell you something from one day soberuntil forever. I was saying the surrenting prayer all the time for thefirst fifteen years, because there's a lot of stuff to accept in this world,we tha there was a lot of shit going on in my world. You know, I don't knowabout you, but there's a lot going on where I had to say this Renni drivingin traffic, I had to say Thi Srnti Paen twenty on fifty times, but so I wassating, this Rahy prouse on all the stuff that we do, but somewhere aroundtwenty years or so something had happened. I had IAD gonelike from sort of like the first few sat, I gone into like the eleven step,the conscious contact deal where I was.
You know that part where it says wehave. The great fact is this in nothing less. What does it say it ays? Thegreat fact is this in nothing less. It says our Creator has become the centercentral idea of the Centrepiese of our lives. That's what it says it says weare. We are convinced we are absolutely certain. We are absolutely certain, I'mnot lying it's in the book. It says our creator has done the setor fact of ourlives, a central factor alive. We are absolutely certain. They lives in ahardsome lives, which is a way which is indeed miraculous is Deng frust. Whatwe can't do for ourselves. Let me tell you something: There is a bigdifference. There is a now a lot of you. People have done the third step right.Why do you? People have cone? Third, SE, second step, you know you say the sreny prayer at everymeeting, maybe every oncein a while you pray but there's a big differencebetween saying the serenity, prayer and doing the Thir step and making your creatid the sentialfact of your life. There's a big difference between sayingthe third step, doing the surriting prayer and beingabsolutely certain that God lives in your hearts and mines in a way which isindeem. I I'm just telling you this. A difference putting you down tesn't, I now here'sthe good news, there's not a person in here o can'texperience that second deal somewhere after around twenty years, orsomething like that I was there. I was at that place.Whatever that place. Is They Talk Tbout in the book we're under new new base at the base oftrust, rely upon God. We never argue about the thing we you know we just letit demonstrate our. I was at that place, not because I'm smarter than anybody tjust at that place. You know that deal so so when I was being wheeled in tothe operating room, and I know that there was a possibility.I wouldn't wake up. I've been sober for whatout twentysomething years and had a wife and kigs I was, I was fine. There was no problem.Didn't wake up did wake up. I was I was fine, no because in my theology p you know ifI die, I'm with the Lord Anyway, so it's all workd all works out. You knowso so it's just sort of like it's just my faith hat just developed o thatpoint where I didn't. I didn't Hav that that didn't give me any fear now now. Let me just tell you somethingsomething I need tell you and there and from that time, whenever it is, I can'tput a I can't put an hour or a day or a minute on it from whatever that pointwas in my life, where most of those fears were overcome by faith, maybe itwas ha twenty years, maybe was at nineteen years for e last twenty years.My life has been sort of like that way. I'm not saving perfect. I never had abad moment. I'm saying my life has been basically a life of being tranquil and peaceful and serenelike they say in the wet they saying the promises. You'll know wowill know anew freedom and new happiness. You'll know serenity and you will know peaceyeah, that's not. I just want to tell you it's not it's not pullshit, it'snot a story, Suc, just something that thrown in there they're not lying tothat can happen. That can actually listen. Let me tell you this I'll lookguy in the eye who can't stop drinking I'll, say you come Dae, I'm promisedyou can stop drinking. You may think I'm crazy, but I'm tellig me the truth.I'm telling you now you're INA a you, can stop worrying about shit. If youwant to you can stop one of that. It is truewhat they say in the book, but the promises. These things are happeningfor you, you'll know, new freedom, you'll lose fear. People yeah, I'm Ipromise you. You can get to the point where Youll lose fair people you'll getthe he pont where you could talk in front of a thousand people, not knowingwhat you're going to say before you get up there and you can talk and you won'tbe scared. You understand, I promise you that will happen to you. I knowyou're thinking, that's impossible. I...
...freak out. I can I'm telling you it'spossible, I'm telling you you get Tho, but wher. You have no money in the bankyouhave nothing there and you won't be scared. I'm telling you that's now. Youthink. That's fucking Craz. I know you think it's crazy, I'm just telling youit's possible. Okay, you can believe me or not. Believe me if you want it, it'sup to you, but I also want to tell you this Hereis, the second part to that beforeI got to whatever. Whatever point I got to where I'm telling you this stuffbefore I got there at ten years at five years, a three years at two years, it was Freaky, it wasn't fun. I want. I can't I know ACS. I can'tmake that statement. You know the thing I'm telling you about. This is whathappened to me. You have to go. That's what happened to me after going throughtwenty years of Stork raving fear sober. You know. I can also tell you storiesabout about times an a and one year at three years, at five years or twentyyears. You know whatever it is a ten years where I'd be going through.Something and I'd be in stark rating fear for a week and I wouldn't be able to get rid of it and no matter what I did. I couldn'tget rid of it. I kept on thinking about. What's going to happen to me, what'sgoing TA happen if they for clothes on the house? What's going to happen? If Ilose the money what's going to happen, if they take the car, what's going tohappen, if this happens, or that happens where all I did was and h, andsometimes the only thing I could do was just not drink for the day,sometimes for me at five years just I remember I was doing a seveen up in Fort Waterdale and I had ten years andI was absolutely broke and I had three kids and I was three months behind theMorage and I was absolutely insane with worry and you know, let me tell you saying,say: Erany prayer and all that sort of stuff. You know you could sthis rannyprayer, fifteen zand times doesn't put I dime in the ban. I cul day you thatand and but I had to do this meeting up in FortLauderdale and I draw up before lauderdal and you know I'm an alcoholic, so I knowhow to say to pick up the phone and say I'm sorry,I can't make it my mother died or something and then you know, be athumbsucking pry, baby and Sitt home worried about myself and what's. But the only thing I knew to do was tocontinue my obligations and a so I drove up to. I went up to for moteral and I did themeeting just like I'm doing this meeting. You know maybe probably better than I'm doingthis me, but I drop. I did the meaning then after be and I talke to oe peopleabout their problems and I'm driving back and S, I'm hitting the the I'mhitting right round here that that crazy section what they call golden glates. I remember as I'm goingdown Tho Goldend glades in and driving south and I all OFA sudden thought cameTe. I it's crazy thought came to me says you know Russ, you don't have anymoney. You have a wife and three kids they may be for closing on your house.You've had all these worries that all these concerns and you just went up notWithstayn, that to an air meeting. You met your obligation. You Talk to a lotof people when you tryed to help people and you're still sober and all of asudden. I started feeling real fucking good about myself. I think it's something calledSelfishtham. I think it's something called selfesteem, but you know some of the only way Istarted thinking about how incredible what a fucking miracleand how great it was- and I started feeling real good aboutmyself, but the only way I could get there was.I had a go through the DERK I had to go throughthe desert man I had to be crushed. I had to go through. I had to gothrough the suffering.
I had a suffer. You know. I've suffered a lot sober inalcohols. Anonymous. I've suffered a lot sober worryingabout material things in alcoholicsanomics. I've suffered a lotsober. You know when the a six step an thit says this is the SEP thatseparates the man from the boys. Let me tell you something: wife separates themen from the boys. Shit that happens will separate the menfrom the boys at I can tell you that hey'll separate you out, it'll separate yeah, this GAM going tobe totally easy. Let me tell o an the way God works inmy life. Sometimes you know you may not be feeling good about. What's going onin your life, sometimes I feel like nothing's happening nothing's changing.Let me tell you something. Here's the deal. I don't change me. God changeesme, you know, let me tell you somet, I warter the tree. I put Fertilizerounthe tree. You know I make sure the tree get sunlight. God grows the tre. Idon't change God, and you want to sound funny thing about God. God doesn'tnecessarily consult me. He just doesn'the. Just I don't know why hedoesn't. He doesn't. Let me know Rus. I know you feel like you're, like a pieceof shit and your feeling down and you feeling like nothing changed in yourlife because you're gi, but I want to tell you something: I'm making somegreat major changes in your life. I'm just not letting you know about it, butone day, you're going to see it one day, you're going to be coming off thegolden glace enterchain in a change and you're going to see this deal, I'mgoing to give you a glimpse, I'm going to give you a glimpse indto who you canbecome because you know it's easy to be happy with your life and grateful andfeeling good when everything's going your freaking way when everything's gone. When you gotmoney in your pockatd, you hot a girlfriend or boyfriend t the romanceis going good and you got a house and you got a car and you got a job andeverything's going great. It's easy to feel hi in my I'll. Tell you when it'sreally something when everything's going to shit and you still feel okaywhen you got something like my Sponsen says equanimity where you feel in peacewith yourself, even though all sorts of things are fallen down around you, Imean that's et. Let me tell you something: If you can feel good aboutyourself, when everything is going to shit, then you got a pretty good shot ofnever being in a situation where anything makes. You feel bad. You understand that when your life is such that your bankaccount and what's in it bothers you when your life is such where what caryou're driving bothers you when your life is such where whether you have agirlfriend or boyfriend or a lacktheir episode of bothers you ere concernedwhen your life is such that you use sort of like determine your happinessbased Uon, the shit you have and the stuff you have. You know something.Your life is hostage to all the material thing: You're, not living liht.Let me tell you something you can tell me your spirits wall not, and you cansay to me a million times. I'm spiritual N, not religious, it's justall fucking bullshit. If you still worry about that stuff,you know you're, not spiritual, you don't even know what the word means. Don't tell you tell me you worriedabout the money and you worried about the car and you worried about theRogane o worry about your girlfriend, but you're spiritual, no Reallytou,don't give me that stuff. You know what I mean ecause when you're spiritual. Whathappens? Is You you? The only thing you're focused on is things of thespirit. You know it says in the big book, itsI'll tell you what it says. It says it says. If we make a decision, a seriousdecision for God, he says we must get rid of selfishness. We must start killsus. God makes that possible so ants to make that decision. For God also toremark. Hale things, Happeni, Thein, Oll power fill, give us everything weneed if we stay close to him and perform his work right and his work ishelping other people. I don't see anything in there aboutgetting laid. I really don't a then just ot. Is it inthe big book the only H it's in the big...
...book back in Lad? It says, if you thinkabout it, a lot and you're screwed up like bill wilse says you throw yourselfinto helping more people. That's the only thing hit says the big book, Theimperiors urge, if bat thing is attacking. If it's attacking you, Ispotsore a lot of guys that are alcohocs and sex adtics. That's Bo,don't think I sponsor anybody that ISI EC as Noa Doun thing, I've never hungaround than alcohol who wasn't a sex addict because we drink and talk abouthaving set. That's all we tal about, so we KDOW, that's like a hobby orsomething, and also I don't know. I know women are' like that, but Godchanges like a big deal for guy, so that makes it sort of understandable.When you see this, when you get to step seven on the bigbook and it says, wereI talks about the abou six and seven Wen talks about they wher we got a newperspective on things is unbelievably painful. You know that the way we getnew perspective you want to get new perspective on things, guess what it'sunbelievably painful. You know it says we learned the valueof suffering. How would you like to learn the value of suffering? You knowthey modeled this off of the book of James Booka. James First thing, it says the first chap thebook of Jane Says Rejoice when you have trials and probe problems of every kindof CA. Imagine that this thing te n o this probba has been around for a longtime. I me Bill Wilson would never say I discovered this program. Okay, youknow we put it in certain words, but the bomom line this has been around forlong. It says we rejoice when we have trials o many kinds, because we know ifwe persevere the trials and we focus on God. We make him to send piece o ourlives. He says our firthe favil gets stronger and will change well be andtha that's the deal. This probably has been a long around for long time, thesame program. It was thousands of years ago. It says it says the way we get anew perspective is by repeated humiliations. Anybody here ever beenhumiliated. Anybody whe ever found themselves in a situation where theyfeel shitty about themselves. Youever you ever been in a shower, or somethingor somewhere dropping Ong, the road and all of a sudden, you're thinking man,I'm a fucking assole a fill myself, not that you're going to kill yourself. Youjust Gotto, keep on telling yourself. You want to kill yourself. I yot youever feel like you're not fit for living like you're, useless, likeyou're, a piece of shit that you're worthless, that you'll never be okay,er right! You ever have that feeling I mean you might not have the same kindof disease. I yeah. Maybe you have like a milder fucking form of this tiiswhere you're just happy all the time and every once a while and you have adrinkand, you can't stop or something I have the disease where you know adisease of worthlessness of uselessness. That's probably why they say in thepromises that feeling of uselessnhiss will disappear. Well, why would theysay thet feeling of uselesshess would disappear unless unless we all have afeeling of uselessness? Otherwise, why would they say that to alcoholic? Iguess if you're an alcoholic, you have a feeling of uselessness and if youdon't have feelings of uselessness, you're, just fucking line to yourself,that's you're, just in denial, you'R, just or you're just you're, not analcohol. You just hanging out here trying to get SOM, al coffee or pieceof ASS or something I don't know you having parking lot, Smokintrin a presyWu. Whatever how you're doing you know what I mean, so we so I'm hanging outwith people. Here's whyt I'm doing my hang around people that are just likeme. They feel useless, they feel depressed. They feel they're in fear,they're worried about all this sort of shit. You know what I mean and thealcohol isn't even a problem. It's all the other shit and all they're doingtis sell themselves. No, I'm not really worried about that shit. You don'tunderstand me. I hang around a bunch of peole that areso screwed up a disease and they don't even know theyre screwed up disease andthe only answer is God right and the only way we can turn to God and figureout. Our problem is, we have to go through suffering. We have to have God, take all the moneyaway, all the boyfriends away, all the girlfriends away, all the romance away,everything away so wearing a damn car driving up the browd county to do astep series with all this other stuff...
...on our mind, so that we can finally do do wit the go. What God wants us todo? So we can realize that you know: We've been giving a great gift because we've been giving the gift ofsobriety and instead of worrying about ourselves, we're thinking about otherpeople. Ow. Do you got that kipt and Lik? Youjust got to go through that Shit and you got it andhereit's Te deal. Youcan't go it's not like one of these deals. You go through it once andyou'll learn the lesson. No, no, the same one of those deals.Well, I've been soeor three months. I should learn the lesson you know somem.I heard that Guy Russell. I really think Wehe's right. I agree with that.I think he's right. So I guess I'm sure. No, no! I heard all the shit he went throughall I heard the crap he went through now that I've harted. I reallyunderstand it now. I won't have a problem. You'RE gonna have to gothrough the Youg. I walk through the desert. You'RE GON NA have to walkthrough the desert. You know, don't Pracki, you come to me crying andwinted about a problem. You have your Broge, your girlfriend left yourboyfriend left whatever hell it is. You know I'm saying hey. I had to gothrough it. Why don't you go through it? Yiu know what I mean in no BII whohave.You Been Yeah, that's why you have guys all the guys, an Outon tonihes. YouStart Wiin toin. They say hey how many bi you sponsoring make some coffee orsomething it's like that. It's almost like thet, don't give a shit. You knowwhat I mean. They don't give a shit. They really don't you know ecause, theyknow what you're going through here's, what they Kdon't they know the crapyou're going through is what you need to go through in orderto get to the other side. They know that what you're going through it's,like God, saying it, hurts me more than it hurts. You know like they say son.This is Hardtin me more than hurt you. You know it's like you're, goingthrough as an alcoholic, what you have to go through in order to get where youhave to go in order to get to the next level. That's the deal, that's what it says inthis book. It says it talks about humility and seven. How do you get thisgaining that says? For us, the proce of gaining a new perspective wasunbelievably painful. It was only by repeated humiliations that we wereforced to learn. You've got to be forced to learn something abouthumility. It was only at the end of a long road marked by successive defeatsand humiliations successive. That means more than one time and the final crushing of our selfsufficiency like like a bruise, is not bad enough. You got to be crushed thatwe begin to feel humility is something more than a condition of rubblingdespair. Every newcomer in Alcohol Sonomus istotal and some realizes for himself that his humble admission ofpalysisover alcohol is, I first step towards liberation from its paralyzing gripriff rip. So it is that we first the humility as a necessity. You know Imean so that's how we get it in here. Just get crushed and crushed and crush.You know wonder: What's one of the lines I heard about you know I cameDacoxamas when the conseuences of my drinking came at me faster than myability to lower my standards. I mean you just have to get crushed andcrushed and that's what the first ten years, that's what the first five yearsis. That's what the first ten years is. That's Whar, the first fifteen yeardon't be shocked and surprised when you're in Aa and you've got ten orfifteen years and you'r Youre suffering or you're going through somethingyou're. Sucking your thumber feeling, sorry hey'll, be surprised. That's whatthis deal is all about. You know e. just you know that's what thedifferenceis between the men and the boys that's what Youhav Toge! That'sthe boodcamp you're in the marine core. That's the Bood camp! You don't becomea marine and let's go to bootcamp. You know become an adult in here. unletsyou go through the bullshit. That's what it is you know so, but on theother end of that, on the other end of that, if you go through it, you know just because you feel bad notjust, because you're not happy. Iknow there's a shocker just because you're not happy and you feel baddoesn't mean that there's anything wrong just because you feel bad doesn't meanthat the thing ain't working, wor thes...
...anything wrong. Sometimes you just haveto go through stuff, the seven step to bring you closer to the eleven stuff. So that's all I got tonight. Thank you.
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