AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 15 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Consequences @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

That's okay. Thanks. Thank you very much. We this like I like. I want to be blind side by some black jot crazy people over there. My name is Russell. I'm an alcoholic. Number this. Where am I? I know that it's my group, South Texia Group of alcoholics, anonymous. I've got to Mension, but don't end up on the seventy years old. It's over for me. So try to get something together to night. So it's great. We are on a sober men's cruise over the weekend and met a bunch of guys who had a great time and watch the Super Bowl and all that sort of stuff, and it's good. I missed you, guys, so it's going to be back with you, guys. I'm gonna this is the fourth talk in this group and all these talks were recorded throwing rocky the Dott work if you missed any, but in avent so what I try to do is, to a certain extent, is maybe say something about whatever step. I'm Sofian. I used to call them steps and you know, like because it is like the step they got one through twelve. You know, this is step one, but the truth of the matter is, I I don't even label that them that anymore. I just call him talks. And because I'm all over the place, because I've been so rich, is January twenty five, nineteen eighty one, and so I've been sold with thirty nine years, but or like ours, I like to refer to it, I'm going. I'm into my forty. Theater like beside. Believe when he keeps you're allowed at a certain points of round up. You know what I mean. So in an even so, I haven't you know that old karate kid thing, laps on, wax off, laxxing. And know why am I doing this? And you know I have to win practice in this thing with the help of life and all the vagaries of life and all the stuff that goes on and all the resentments you got in the problems you get into, in the trials, letibulations and working this thing, working this thing. So who the thought that if you just try to not drink one day at a time and turn your life over to God, that pretty soon you're even stop being nervous? My sponsor used to say you got to develop equanimity, which, if you look it up, means something like the ability to be at peace and cranquil even in the midst of chaos. And I can be be a piece or tranquil even the misses of good things, you know, but chaos, forget about it. And when I finally developed something called Equanimity, my my wife assumed it was dementia and then she had that's true. She actually went to the doctors dragons just had me tested, I mean the brain scan and everything like that. So when any and he he for not. He explained to her that it's not, I don't have it. So whatever was maybe, I don't know. You know, but just because he said just because she doesn't hear, he doesn't hear what you're saying, doesn't mean he has to mention, you know, that made some sort of protective coloration that he's gotten, some protective thing that he's gotten after many years, because I've been married, I've been sober thirty nine years. Are Married thirty night years. So that's a good thing. So I want to I want to what I what I do. I do like to touch it on on some of the steps. You know I'm very big on the God things. Anybody who's been here the last three times now you know like and because it's interwovement. It's the main deal throughout the entire that's what the book is all about. It's all about seat with the relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass. Few and countless others doesn't say. Do a good fourth step in great events will. I will pay US come for you. And it says once we make that decision, that's serious and serious decision with God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, they will give you everything you need if you stay close to him. Performance Works is works well, it says. When no, on the new basis of trust and relying about God, Punk God, we don't argue with people about God, we don't try to defend it, we just let them see it by your actions and what it's done of you. It's all about the God thing throughout the book. That's what it's about about. They have a whole chapter to agnostics. Says get over it. Whole chapter. It says if a mere code of morals are better, philosophy of life would help you, you know you'd be so a long time ago, but wouldn't help us. We just don't have the power to fear the craziness. We we just don't have the power to cure the craziness. You know, you just don't have the power to make yourself good or have integrity or love other people or your should about anybody except yourself. You just don't have that power. So we had to find a power gram ourselves. I sweetie, you feel free to come back in. Your Mommy's need to be sober. MOMMIES need to be an alcoholics anonymous. My mom was an alcohol cheek. Got Nineteen years, so much passed away, but I like to see mom's and alcoholics anonymous. So in any event, so I you know, and you know. What does it say? It says we wrote a book about God. That says and that says the hackles where I'm next going to stand up or ready to be kissed off? And says this sort of thinking has to be abandoned. God either is, there isn't, which it decison going to be? It says there is one who has all power. That one is guy. Does say that doesn't? I don't even know really. That is ready. You know. There is one of us all power. That one is God. May you find them now, it says. It says you can't manage your life, can't manage away out of this. You can't be good...

...enough or try hard enough to be not crazy. Crazy is just who you are. It does that you don't have the power to not be crazy. If you had the powder not be crazy, you wouldn't be going these stupid means just wanted. You would avoid it, these you've been just go out there, you stop drinking. You okay, go out there, don't stop going to me and stop doing this. Say, go out there. See how it works out for you, you know, see see whether you somehow become not crazy just because you're not drinking. Drinking is the symptom disease, any mean disease, you know. And it says there is, it says what's the deal? Says God couldn't what if he were soap? We got we got to get rid of the selfishness. We must work kills us. You have to get rid of the booze, which is the symptom of disease, they say. Now we got to get rid of the selfishness, because that's the real disease. In the second step, where they say we come to believe. Then the first step and get rid of the booze. You know, it says we're recovered from that hopeless state of mind of body. I don't know. You're a hopeless state. My hope of state was I couldn't stop drinking. It's not that I couldn't stop drinking or anything. I couldn't. I couldn't stop, you know, thinking I couldn't stop drinking. What to Ay? said I need help. I can't stop drinking and say I need to find God or I'm a bad person. I couldn't stop drinking. You know, I tried to stop drinking. I couldn't stop drinking. I came there, I picked up wie chip, I stopped drinking. After a couple weeks. I stopped drinking. I stopped obsessing over it. Drinking was some part of the picture. You know I mean somewhere along the line and you know it, it went away. I I recovered from. I recovered. I wasn't recovering. I recovered from a hopeless state of mind. By missing your boyfriends is not a hopeless state of mind. And Body being broken, being worried about is not a hopeless state of mind. The body telling yourself an eight o'clock and one when you wake up I'm not going to drink today and then drinking anyway, over and over again, as a hopeless state of mind in the body. I've recovered, a Hohele state of mind body. If you're in here, it's already happened for you. You've recovered from a hope of state of mind the body. Unfortunately, that's not really the problem, because now I recome from a hope of state in mind and body. Now you discovered it. You're crazy, which is why you drink. That's why men, when the drink, as I like the effect produced by alcohol, it's the best medicine. No woman, no man, no matter, no car, no amount of money ever works bright as well. It's just a few drinks. So it's stopped drink. I stopped drinking it because it stopped working. And the bad part about my life, it stopped working about ten years before it's I realized that I heard a lot of people, but I stopped drinking, and then I started discover that, even though I wasn't drinking, at three o'clock in the morning when I woke up with all sorts of anxiety, I was still crazy. And then it says after the first step, which is the boot step, it says. We'd come to believe that power great in ourselves selves will restore us to sanity, which means that you're insane. They don't say this, they imply it. You you really have to be very smart to understand this. You know something. I know you guys are free this thing out. You can only be restored to sanity if you're nuts, if you're already saying you don't need to be restored the sanity. So what happens is we coming here and we're insane, but we don't know we're insane. And the kind of insanity have they label it as you can label it anyway you want. But later on the book they sort of give you peeks and being and said, you know, the first step and getting out of jail, as you got to know you're in jail the first place. Ultimately you realize that you have an alcohol problem. You know, when somebody first brings up to you, say I quick whenever I want, you know, screw yourself in it, and then after while you start thinking, you know, maybe I should stop drinking or something like that. But then you finally come to the point. If you get to the first step, as you realize you need help. You can't stop drinking. Your life sudden manageable. You realize you have an alcohol problem. So you focus on the alcohol problem. You coming here and you and somehow you stop drinking. And but what you don't realize is, although that is the symptom of the problem, it becomes a very big problem when your life becomes a bottle. After you get rid of the bottle, then you will find out that that's not really the alcoholism, that the real disease centers in your mind and not your body. And looking to you guys, you all have minds, so you all have the disease. Or is Carl Young said to Roland Hazard after he got rid of the decease, the drinking after six or eight months and said now, knowing the inner works of my mind, drinking is just impossible, says nevertheless he was drunking a few weeks. So it goes back to Doctor Young, the greatest psychiatrist at that time, the nineteen hundreds and early nineteen hundreds. And he says the Doctor Young, he says, I've been sobering under your treatment. I've been into a treatment center for like a year or six months or whatever it is and I thought I really understood everything. And then I start going for home and two weeks later I'm drunk as a skunk and I can't stop drinking. What's wrong with me? and Doctor Young says to him something that was the case then and is still the case now. He said you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have net this is the greatest psychiatrist. I have never been successful where the state of mind exists such as in you. And this is a I know it's supposedly. I don't know what it's an open meeting or somebody to do, but there's probably any alcoholicshador. Well, you know, if Doctor...

Youngen here was here, he would say to you you have the mind of crowd of alcoholic. I've never been discussed worry about like you, and they just have an event at a pill yet, and that's what psychiatrist you now. They don't really treat you, they just give me a pill. I haven't been that a pill yet that is going to give you integrity? Or have you really shit about anybody except yourself? So, which is, by the way, what ultimately a a sort of explains to the disease. The DIS ease disease. Explains the disease in many ways, but the one I'm going to talk about tonight is when they defined it as selfishness. They say that's the basis, that's the that's the root of our trouble, selfishness. But but that doesn't really much mean much to an alcoholic. It really doesn't. It didn't mean that much to me. They say a lot of words in a that sound good and I like them. They're easy to read and the Non Confrontational. But well, for instance, second stuff, as I said, is we had the hosting is very nonconfidential. Came to believe that a power writ in ourselves could restore us to sanity, which is you're fucking crazy, but God can be sure that you know, or something like that, if you want to be mean about it. But in the old days, before, you know, before the night before one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine, there were no bones about. They can get you on your knees and you know you'd have to, you know, swear your belief in God and give your life to God. And let's Dr Bob said to Clarence Snyder, if you will, even God, and he said what is act with. He says everything. They weren't ashamed of it, they weren't a worried about you had to make, you had a you got a profess your belief in God that God could help you. But nowadays, you know, is more and more people come in and there through their list. You know, there, you know, I came in on my knee. He's it didn't really matter. I was my whole life was about sex, women, rock and roll, money and my Bible was Playboy magazine. And you know, that was a whole deal. And and if I didn't get I got. I got crushed. You know, it says the way we got new perspectives of repeated relations, found question of Ourselvesman, I got crushed. I came down on my knees before I gave my life to Lord or and I gave my life to Lord before I came day, December twenty and fifth nineteen eighty one in one thousand nine hundred and eighty three o'clock Morn I got downe gave my life to Jesus. And I'm a Jewish gift from New York. So it gives you an idea. You know what I mean, how bad it was for me how desperate I was, you know, just some guy came out of TV and I was just lucky the Christians didn't show up. I could down in the airport with a temper, with a tambourine, you know what I mean. But but that's the deal. That's how I came to I was willing to do I was. I was willing to go to any lane. I was willing. I wasn't one of these guys that stood in the corner and would not say the Lord's prayer because, Hey, I think Jesus said that, or so. I was not one of those guys. I was. I was one of those guys. You told me to do something, you were in my sponsor when I trust I did it. They made me a little argument here there, but I was like ready, I did not want to drink. So I was fortunate. I'm not patting myself on the back. I was fortunate, you know, to come in here and not be sure and sort of auditioning in this place, and I know I like this, but I don't like that. And maybe there's or maybe that you know, you may ultimately get it, but you're just going to get into a little problem before you do. Because you're going to start trying to take over and manage your recovery and all that sort of stuff. But I surrendered, you know, and that was my deals. So so I can only talk about my life, you know, when you come up here and somebody says, tell me Your testimony, your experience rength at home, you know, you know there's a tendency, if you're an alcoholic, as one of the problems with alcoholics, one of the problem, one of the one of the parts that they disease, which you learn as time goes on, is the fact that you use spend a lot of time worrying about how you look to other people, with the exception whether they like your affect. That's a real important to alcoholics and it's very hard to understand how deep rooted that is, that fear of other people's judgment, especially when you spend whole life telling you you're telling yourself you'll give a shit with other people think about you. Know, and so when you spend your whole life brainwashing yourself and the believe you don't give a shit what other people think about you, and the reason you say that is so is to try to convince yourself that you don't give a shit. One of the think about you said you it's you get confused. So but in as the layers get ripped off and everything, you realize how scared you are, how much fear you have. And, as I said, the first step and deal with the disease is knowing you got disease in the first place. And sometimes these words have to be defined not only the big book, but they have to be defined by experience, because sometimes you just don't pay attention to the disease until it hits your three o'clock the morning and you've like the life is over and it's not going to get better again. I mean sometimes you don't pay attention to the booze until your life is destroyed in imageable. Sometimes you don't pay attention to the lust until your your marriage is blown up or you're a jail for children. Arch fears some some. Sometimes you don't pay attention to degree until you're bankrupt and take away all your credit cards because you spend more money than you make and you're always spending money you don't have buying should you don't need to impress...

...people you don't like and you're always right. Sometimes you don't pay attention to what the real problem is. But otherwise it's real problem until you have bad things happening to you, because when good things are happening, I don't give you just don't pay the attention. So you got it. So this surrender thing, like surrender, the boots rendered, his lust surrender, degreed surrender, the pride surrenders, all that stuff happens over period of time. Doesn't happen all at once or one day. You know, and and that's the fun of Stainings Ober for twenty thirty years, you get to beating out of you by life, because if you continue with the old way of thinking, those old ideas, what happens? If you don't get rid of them, the result is what? Noil, noil. I know you think it's if you do it fifty percent of it's always it's a if you we feel like if I do a fifty percent of time, I'll get fiftyercent. Now the result as Noll. Let you let you got to let go absolutely. But how can you let go absolutely but you don't even know what the fuck you're supposed to let go of? You know what? Any how can you deal with your selfishness. That's if that's true of them. How can you do with your selfishness when, honestly, you just don't believe your selfish? How do you deal? How do you deal with the fact that you're an alcohol can you can't stop drinking? You have drinking problem when you don't think you have a drinking problem? Well, you don't deal with it and you don't get that at how do you deal with selfishness, which my sponsor, you want to make sure I understood. So it says selfishness, self centered in this driven a hundred forms of your self delusion, self seeking, be stuff on top of others. They retaliate. He said, well, what that means, Ross, is you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. And of course that only goes on, you know, maybe for the First Fifteen, twenty years or something like that, and I'm not even saying it goes away completely or something like that. But how do you deal with that when you actually think they're basically a good person? And I, like grandma, used to say, Russell, you're basically a good boy. I'm not quite sure what that means day date. Down inside there's a goodness somewhere, buried, somewhere in there. Wow. Well, of course that's with fourth step in life is all about. These things are really revealed in the problems, in the trials. That's why I book the chains. There were three books. If you read Dr Bobby good old I'm going to do a little history now in Dr Bob and good old timers a started in nineteen thirty five. That's when Dr Bob Me, Bill Wilson and they were people stick, people staying sober based upon what they doing. And in Nineteen thirty nine they've read a book called alcoholics anonymous. Our fellowship gets a name from the book. In nineteen thirty nine, between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine, about four hundred people got sober. That not a hundred people. I'm sorry. That's why I in the book. In the Ford Book says we are over one hundred. Any women who have recovered from a whole state of mind, the body, so I'll do, be recovered doing the AA prop doing a program, doing something. They recover. And in the big book this is what they say. They say rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Another word you do what we did, you'll get what we got. Now, listen to me. They weren't working, they were reading the Big Book. You understand? Y'All understand that big book was written one nine hundred thirty nine in the big they said, rarely how we see the down first and failed was thoroughly followed our path between nineteen thirty five, minute thirty nine. They weren't reading the Big Book. Please tell me, understand, that hadn't been written yet. They were doing something else. And other words, you do what they did, you'll get what they got, I mean. And what they got was they got rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence, which they did not even dream. They experience much of heaven and they had something happened and called the great fact. They said to this and nothing less, which I think means is this and nothing less. It says, it says they have. Their entire life was focused the most important thing, that the one thing in their life was the great aspect and idea of their life was to turn their life over to their creator, God. The capital say they were absolutely certain. They were absolutely certain that God existed, that God existed and lived in their hearts and lives. He was doing for them when they can't do for themselves. And that theme goes all through the book and the entire book. Read the entire book, from the first step to last step, from everything, it's all about turning you towards God. And they can god the number one thing in your life. There's not a page that doesn't have to do with it. Job or no job, wife or no wife. Let no man say can be covered without, you know, without getting those things back. All He needs is relationship with God. There is one who has all powered out, is God. I mean everything in the big book is about God. You know it's as I mean just every page is about God. So you'd be it's not about the perfect fourth step. Nobody's gonna do the brow of the perfect fifth step's not about the perfect Mr that you can go through every step in the world. If, at the end of all the steps and five years sobriety and ten years sobriety, you're a guy and you're focusing on the blond and the front row instead of your Creator, you're going to be you're not going to...

...be here long, that's just a fact the line. And you're not going to be able to stay married and I've have a decent relationship and even if you managed to stay sober, the only thing you're could be thinking about as the fun in the front row, because that's your God. If the only thing you think about his money, that's your God. You know, that's the bottom line. That's what the book is all about, and believe me, many are all of if you are chosen. There's sobriety and then there's emotional sobriety, and the book talks about in the sixth step, the step that separates the men from the boys, the men from the boys, or the women from the girls, I suppose. And but it talks it says it's repeated for a lifetime. That stuff is repeated for a lifetime, the efforts to do that. And the men are the man who, I suppose, the women are those people who are repeatedly, throughout their entire life, trying to grow in the image and likeness of their creator. There he is again, the Creator. That's the deal. So if you want to turn your life over your Creator and if God will give you everything you need as long you just stay close to him and perform his work, well, it'd be good to know who he is now you could say God is an oak tree, but, you know, I don't know what it oaks you I don't know what an oak tree wants. You could say God is, you know, a Bush, but I don't know what the Bush wants. You said God is a Doorkno, I'm not sure what a doorknob wants. It's pretty good, I guess. What what your God and your understanding is going to want from you, what you're going to need. If you're if you if you're confused about who God is and what God is and everything like that, which is normal for most people, you're going to have a hard time figuring out what he wants. So when you're going to end up doing, is what you're going to end up doing, is you're going to try to think about what you think God wants. And if you don't know what God wants and you just do what you think God wants, the funny thing is going to happen to you. You're going to start realize that in your life, God wants things, wants you to do things that basically you want to do already. You're going to be your God, you're can be sponsoring yourself. You can end up doing what you want to do because you think it's smart, because you got a brainstorm, because you got an idea, and you're not going to be following a god or a higher powering thing. You're going to be the higher power. Can Be following your own thinking because it makes sense, and then one day you're going to wind up drinking again, a drugging again or miserable trying to figure out what's going on. thinking. You following the a program. The a program is just a program to help you get to the point where you find God and have a relationship with God, not that there's some God in the sky or something like that. Even talks about in the seventh step. It says you could even say you believe in God, but your belief remains barren because he's not part of your life. You don't make the citizens based upon him, you don't focus on him. So I'm going to get away from that for a second because I want to sort of do a little four step stuff. But you know, as far as I don't teach anymore. I used to teach, you know or talk about how you do the four step. There's no need for me to do that. There's a lot of good people that will tell you how to do that. I personally believe you do it the way it's done in the big book. They have a chart is for lists, you know, list of resentments, less the fears, less the faults, list of sexual deals and you know, and things you've done wrong. It's a list of the big book. You can read it, you can you can look it over. I'm not going to talk about that. I want to talk about the reasons, the reasons why. I want to sort of Hook on the reasons to the God thing. And you know, what happens is the law. It's like with anything. You know, when I'm a lawyer, when I first started out with a law deal, you know, I wanted to be. You know what, I always want to be a criminal. Yam. This is of all the TV shows and stuff. You know, I wanted to be like whatever on the TV show I wanted. I would want to be a grimois. That's what I felt. Where was I think it was got to throw up contracts. Nothing wrong with that. But so I started off in the day county states attorneys, officenters, a prospect become the vision chief doing major crimes, and that's what I've been doing all my life, but when I first started, I want to be a good lawyer. So what I would do is, what if they're, when there were really seasons, experienced guys. You know, there's the old saying with a man with experience gets a man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will have walked away with an experience. So well, I used to play tennis. You know, I was never really good, but I mean I got pretty good. But but what happened has been amateur deal. But what happened is I noticed that I always got really much better when I was playing somebody better than me, you know what I mean. And when I was playing something better than me, it's stud forced me to play better. So what I would do is I would go down and I would watch the season the old time lawyers give closing arguments, hoping statements. I would watch trials, I would watch that stuff and I would go against those guys. And you know, as iron started shopping, tire man, shoppings man and and that's what happens. So in alcoholics anonymous in a sense, it sort of works the same thing. That's what says I want what we have and it will go to any length to get it. Then you're ready to take certain steps. Some people come in here. Back in the old days, they sort of weed them out right from...

...the beginning because they tell you get down on your knees and give you a life to God. And they did all that stuff and I'm not going to go through it. I think I read some stuff from that's what they used to do. Thirty five, few thirty nine, and you know the guys that you hear in the rooms, you know the guys in here in the rooms these days, that things weren't that bad, you know, and they had a bad batch of ice or something, whatever it is, and they say things like well, if I have heard about God, I would have walked out of Roman earlier. You know, they we did those guys out right away because they weren't going to get down on their knees. But they had large groups of people who wanted they were desperate, so they got down on their knees and they did that thing. So in any event, definitely didn't the old but but nowadays what happens is we got people come in here and they're ready, like I came in here ready you know nothing, nothing. I'm not taking any credit for that. I'm you know, I'm just grateful for I came in here, I drank. My sponsor said, never, I'm Robin. Alcohol coms desperation, never rob of his last drink. You know, somebody says to me, Sponsey says to me, you know, I'm going to drink. You know, I'll try to talk to a little bit, but it he says no, I don't think I'm gonna'll say hey, have a good time. Well, I'm drink. I don't think there's anything wrong with drinking. I think I think I'm rather to see a guy drinking. I mean the we're still having alcoholic be drinks is you'll die real to I mean it's not as if real bad as common as dirt. It's not a big deal. And not know. The sad part is he might take a family for with them. But the bottom line is of an alcoholics are going to drink. He's going to drink. You Ain't going to stop and you don't a baby sitting or anything like that. Some people, you know, just need to drink. So listen, alcohol is the greatest thing that we have going for us. The only reason you're here is because of alcohol. You only me you're staying here is because alcohol. If you don't do this break program, if you don't do this program, we don't have any. Eight poleast. We call in the Scotch and it clears out the fucking feel. It just it just comes through like a self cleaning of it and wipes them all out. They come back. This is I'm back again. This time I'm really going to do it. Four step. You know, I'm back in treatment again. You Know Path Bullshit. You know what I mean. I'm sorry, I'm not that well. You know, too many people sponsor to me. You know, alcoholics, alcoholics. You know. Sometimes I need patting on the back and love, but sometimes, you know, we just need a good kick in the ASS and jail time. So I got our guts, our attention, you know. You know, listen, if you try to to love it, to to to convince an alcoholic to do what you want them to do, it won't be long until you're an Alan on. And let me tell you something, my wife's an Hellen on our LADIS per petsion revenge. I've been down on conventions. Guys, you want to do anything to avoid Alani. You're got to trust me, go right now and like you don't want to go to Alani. The last thing you want to do is put yourself in a position where an alcoholics driving you crazy. You know what I mean, because they don't really give a shit. You know I mean they're not going to change, you know, and you can argue into the you can argue with them for hours. You want to be in a position when you can say to an alcoholic ash you love them. Listen, maybe you need to go out and drink, not because you're hating but because you love them. You know, and I feel guilty if they do, and I'm this some old timers saying that's bullshit. Well, I'll tell you something. Thirty nine years I've support a hell a lot of people and I can't tell you how many people actually get this thing. When you don't do to stay, just love to argue with you. They love the attention, they love negative attentionally like six year olds, alcoholics like six year olds. They just want you to pay attention to it. You know, nothing will get you an alcoholic more attention than saying to a group I want to drink. I'm then the entire drink of group. Will folks like, yeah, it's good to a certain extent. Where it happens fifteen times over a period of ten years. You know, I mean fifty times over some point of time. They've got to realize that, you know, they're the group's not going to say they've been they've better do something, they better grow up, you know, take responsibility for their own sobriety. But I digress, I do. But anyway. So here's the deal. There's a book called talked about in the good old timers and Dr About in Goal Times. They talked about the time, the for the first four years, and it says that the books that they found absolutely essential. If you're trying to figure out what they did, what they thoroughly did, what they did during the first you know said, really, I've seen person rail is thoroughly going to you said the books they found absolutely essential. That's the actual word they use. Absolutely essential. You know, do what we did absolutely these books are absolutely essential. Essential means essential. Absolutely essential means unfreakin believable essential. You know what I mean. And now you don't have to read these books. You know I mean. I love Contemppor or to investigation you can use any excut, but that's what the book says. Was...

First mytheist thirteen, the book of James and Sermon on the Mount. Those are three books that they use. That's what they used. And alcoholics anonymous. They came out of the auction moving that's we use the Bible and I read to some stuff last week from compress approof the material. But as the use in the book of James Is the book that says the First Chap says rejoice when you have trial, and a lot of the scripture is within the big book. You would know it's in the big book. Unless you study scripture, you understand. When I was fifteen years sober I started going as part of rowing in my relationship with God, because apparently we have this elevence that says you got improved your conscious contact. Maybe ever see that? You got to prove contos contact. That means if you have tremendous conscious contact that nine years, you got improve it. It means you got thirty nine years, like I got thirty nine years or whatever hell I got. You know, it means no matter what my relationship with got, I got to improve it, because that's what the step says. I've constantly improved because the nature of my disease is it's like paying tennis. I'm playing tennis with my disease. It's always going to try. I got to be stronger than my disease. My My, let me tell you something. Life is difficult shit. Even when you stop screwing up yourself, even when you stop suffering the consequences of your own action, even when you're doing it right, life will blind side you. People will die, people will get cancer, stuff will happen. Okay, terrible stuff will happen it. Life is unfair. Life is not necessarily fair. Children will die and I'll stuff will happen. And you know, the bottom line is I got to constantly keep on touch of the top of myself, because I cannot be I cannot be diverted by worldly clamors. I've got to have that equanimity that the Apostle Paul said. I've learned to be content in all things. My my sobriety, my emotional sobriety, how I feel about myself, the joy I have within the cannot, cannot and not depend upon my check book or how much money I have in the bad. It cannot it cannot depend upon my wife's smooth Oh my God, I can't depend upon Ye. I'm the only person that had all our kids, like at four kids, seven grandkids. They're all gone, just me, my wife and the three dogs, and the dogs are small. You know, I'm the biggest thing in the house. You know my wife Wakes up, I get slammed. You know what I mean. I get slam for something. There isn't enough I could do. If I go to the store and I buy fifteen million things and I walk in, she says to me, you didn't get this, I'm I'm not going to get a thank you. Trust me. I'm not going to say, Oh, great, sober warrior, thank you for getting all this stuff. and Ain't gonna happen. Okay, my Wye, my sobriety and how I feel myself can't depend upon with my wife is nice or not nice. You know how you stays ope for thirty nine years. You get sober and you stop worrying about you know, you just pray for it. You know she's got wife and she's got to live on this planet too, and she's got a r own deal and if God says she's an Elean on. So what do you expect? You know, as if she's well, you know, so that's her deal, you know, but it even. But that's the way I've got to be at work, that's the way I've got to be with judges, clients, with everything. They're all out there attacking it, with TV whatever in this world. I cannot allow this world to get inside of me. And I'll tell you. If you're focusing on the the women, the men, the romance, the Lipstick, whatever the helln is, the cars and that, you're dead chicken. And when you think of it, whenever you're nervous and when of your ilities and with you feel crappy. Anybody here feel crappy? Old He's nervous. abody over here about anxiety. You're always thinking about that shit, aren't you? You're always think about that shit, aren't you? You're thinking about the bullshit in this world. They shiny things in this world. You're putting your trust in that stuff. You worry about. What are make me to get this one. Am I gun? You're an if only, or yes, butter, and why kind of have this? And what happens if I lose that? And what are they going to think about me now, you should other people think about me, and all that sort of stuff just rattling through your brain, and not to mention the stuff when you think about yourself, when you're putting yourself down, because this alcoholism is all about standing the shower and all of a sudden, here in this voice, that you're an Asshole, you want to kill yourself. That kind of s where does that come from? Come from you? It's your reputation, of deal with. You your a piece of Shit, you're unworthy, you don't deserve to live. Okay, you can stop the drink. And how you got to stop the unworthy enough. Don't deserve to live. Your piece of Shit, and nothing's going to make you better. Are you going to stop that Shit? You've been doing that ever since you went two years old. You can't stop that Shit. Canyon bothers you. So what do you do? You sort of you start texting somebody watching corn or whatever the hell you do to make it go away so you don't have to think about it. But there ain't enough shit you can do. There ain't enough crap you can get involved in all the time. You know where you don't have a spot where somehow kids into your brain. Must be because you stuff, because your piece of Shit. You do that. Where does that come? That's...

...alcoholism. You don't know what sense about these selfresenter. That's the sad so lessen. Until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism and all his consequences, allmends consequences. Is Sobriety for Paris and true happiness will find it at all. How many people like true happiness? Raise your hand if you want to happen. Has This is you know, you alcoholics. They're so scared. You're scared to raise your hands, aren't? You're scared to raise your hand. You're scared of what people think about you. If you raise your hand, you don't even know. You're scared about what people I say. How many, I say? How many fucking people want to be happy? Two guys raise their hand like idiot's unbelievable. They don't even know to see. This is the point. If I was in a group of regularly by said how many people want to be happy? They WHOA, they don't howl. How many people want to be happy? Do I wait a second, do I really want to raise my hand? And that's so uncool. You know what I mean. Well, Wellshit, think about me sitting. That's what will you think about me? You know, and you don't even know what you're doing that deal. It's so automatic, worrying about what other people think about you. You know, it's crazy. That's okay, I'm used. You know how that feels. I know I'm feels the sitting class when the judge says judges, the teacher says, anybody have the answer? And you have the answer, but you're you're debating with a raised that is what if you're wrong. Anybody have a question? You don't want to raise your hand. Would have been stupid. But Jon, you know, he say I would. I would have run for any of this, you know. But you know who vote for me. I know it's like to be worried about all its so in event, so so in any event. So we got this the book of change and all that sort of stuff, and one of the things it says in the book of James is says you Joyce, we have trials of many kinds, because if you personally through the trials and you focus on God and faithful, grow and mature you as an individual and you'll be able to handle trials and tribulations, and so the things that we complain about the worst, which at the trous of tribulations, those are the things that actually make us grow. You're any here because the trials and tribulations, because you are humiliated. These are things that make you grow. You know, when you get comfortable, you rest on your laurels, you don't do stuff, you say I don't want to listen to this graph because your life is okay. As soon as you start drinking again or something bad happens, you run back to AA. All of a sudden you're instent what people like to say. You know, that's that's that's the trials and tripping down. This is the the same sort of scriptures and the twelve and twelve. It says the way they say the twelve and twelve. You would know this, unless you you know, we're student. The Bible goes around nine to ten years. I started going to church and I started reading the Bible and stuff like that. And you know, because, whether you know, they're not the big book and Encourages Church membership. So somebody tapped me on the shoulder when I had nine years or ten years, said have you ever been the Bible Study of course. I said to them, I don't know the Bible, study of Jewish Geofrom New York, and Blah, blah, blah, and the said. I gave all these excuses because because, you know, I said that, even though they were reading the bottle of the big book and I knew all that, a lot of stuff came back. And I don't already give them my life. You know why I said that? For the same reason you're scaredulrat your hand. I was worried about what other people think about them. I was. I was worried what they think about me in a a, you know, been just their spiritual, not religious, and all that sort of stuff. I guess I missed that part of the big book what says we encourage church membership and they row members of churches. I'm like that I missed that part, you know. But then what happened to me? Is it around nine or ten years I wron emotionally and spiritually to the point where I realize that, and this is exactly what happened, because I remember saying this to myself. I'm realized that not doing something based upon fear what other people would think about me was stupid. It was alcoholic. You know. You know I'm an alcoholic. In other words, the first thing I think about is, might this help me? Might this help my family? You know I mean if the answer is yes, this might help me. Yes, it's worth investigating. Yes, you know, without contecting might help my family. Might help that I'll then. Most people do it. But as an alcoholic, the way I think is might does help me. Might this help my family? What will other people think? If there's one guy who laugh and may forget? It's stupid. I do. You know what I mean, because Bot because I have fear of that's why it says in the promises you'll lose fear of people and of economic insecurity. If you're an alcoholic and you don't think you have fear of people, it's because you are not well enough to realize how scared you are people. So you're in denial, because I know you're scared of people, because the one thing I understand not the old idea was on unique and nobody's like me. The new idea haven't been an a a long time, as we're all twins. That's why it works, that's why you get up here and talk about anything. I just talk about what's on my mind. You know, women, man,...

...black, white, is all you're talking about me, because we're all the same. You know, to a certain stand fat skin, it doesn't really matter. You know, we're all the sential. The bottom line is if in the big book they're saying you're going to lose fear of people, necronomic insecurity, it's because they know that you're scared of people in their judgment and of economic insecurity, and that's why it's a promise, because you're going to lose that. You're say, how can I lose that? Of Don't worried about that. Should all my life, not that I give a shit what other people think about me. That's why you worry about what car you drive and how you love, address you have and all sort of stuff and all that deal. You know, whatever it is. So in any even I so so in the big book and says it doesn't say. The trouble tribulated says the way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations in the final crushing of our selfsufficiency. The way we see things differently is by the crushing. This throughout the crushing. You know, it's the crushing that has us pay attention to look and say why and now? If you're or an alcoholic and you're not in recovery and your crushed, as often happens, what you do is should do what I do. You feel sorry for yourself or you blame other people. You know that's the only way of thinking. You say you're upset and your crushed and your life is over because she's an Asshole, or my voice is a jerk, or this is likely everything. That's that's the deal in A. Whenever you're in AA, the spiritual actiom is whenever you disturb, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you, with you. No such thing as justifiable anger. There's something wrong with you. Why does the body when your whole life has been spent being mad at other people, blaming other people for everything in this world that's happened and saying if they would only change, if this would only change, when that's what the way you thought twenty, thirty, forty years. That doesn't stop when you stop drinking. You had that, listen me, you had that before you drank. It was going strong. You had that during the drinking. That's going to go on for a good, ten, fifteen, twenty, years after you stop drinking, very hard to reverse that deal, and that's the true alcoholism. So the so in first print, in thirteen. Great sort of deal. Let me just see this thing. First, Corinthians Thirteen. So this thing's been going on for a long time, this this deal we're talking about. I'm just going to lead one part of this. None of you will ever hear this again anyway. So let me see whether I can find it. So you can do this, though. Forget I should tell you. Go read it yourself if you will. If you will, but I don't know where it is. Okay, here it is. I'll do it this way. So here's the here it is. Here's how here's one part, a small part, about three or four lines. Okay, first mentionne thirteen, three or four lines at the end. You know, I like this part. I like this parkase it fits in with alcoholics. I don't know why if it's some about boks, but I love it. It's so, so much about Al Key's. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. I don't know what I like that. You know, most people think as about not drinking. I think it's about growing up and becoming a man or a woman. Stop being a baby. I sponsor sixty five year old teenagers. You're more interested in Viagrathan, God, Jesus, Christmas. Pathetic. For now we see only a reflection, as an a mirror. Then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part. Then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love, and that's what they were studying back in one thousand nine hundred, thirty five, thirty six thirty seven, about revealing themselves to themselves and having God revealed. You know who they were and what they were and what the real problem was. I mean, you ever say you ever say to yourself, well, I used to use the F word. I don't suggest it or it's good, but this is legs. Talk Myself. What the Fuck is wrong with me? You probably said different. You probably use the F word. You can see you guys are good alcoholics, you're nice autohol you probably said what perhaps could possibly wrong? Well, this is where you find them with the Hell is wrong with you? So here's the deal. So let's talk about consequences. I'm just going to go as real I got five minutes. I'm going to do this in five minutes. I'm just going...

...this briefly. So what is what are the consequences of being an alcoholic? Everything about that one of the consequences of being an alcohol of it. So let's just go over a few things. Okay, it says it says that if you're an alcoholic, the root is selfresistant, self centered. Is that what it says? Now, this isn't from me. Don't blame me. You know what I mean. This is you know. If you don't, if you disagree with this, you're not to scream with me. I won't take a person. You're disagreeing with the big book, our basic text, okay, which we all agree with. It says you're one of the consequences. It says the root of our problems is selfishness and selfcenteredness. You ever see that? You ever hear that? So what does that mean? Well, my sponsor says it is you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself, which is true. Well, it says this says, driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion and self centeredness. Delusion itself self fear Number One, a consequence of being alcoholic. As you're scared. You're scared, you know. You know. You come up to me and you tell me you're not scared, just means you're stupid. Okay, you're scared. You're scared shitless. Okay, you know. You think it's fun living a life for fear, worried about shit all the time. What's going to happen to me? Would happen to me? What did I say? What did I do? What's going to happen? You know, bad. Okay, how about delusion? It's a hundred forms of fear delusion. You know what delusion is? Delusion is you're not only scared, you have no idea what the flip is going on. Listen, it means that you think the world looks like this and the world doesn't look like anything like this. Delusion, and I don't have time to tell this story, but I'll do a fast delusion, is when you say to yourself that if I had if I married this woman or this man or whatever it is, whatever gender you are, whatever they're doing these days with gender. Married somebody, this hippopotamus. I don't here. Hey, you know as great that I love a you in an a room. You say I'm in love with the draft. Three people get up by come coffe and say, yeah, they're in love with a draft to. You know what I mean. But anyway, you know. So. So here's the thing. So I see this woman and, like with every all out, what do we say? Is Alcoholics. We say, man, if I could have that car. I never asked great anything else. Oh, if I can have that woman, that man, that Blad, if I could get down to this way. Oh, if I can do if only, if only, if only. And then you have a life of Biponis. And then you do it and you're like one hundred percent for like three days, four days a month. What is it? And then you're you know, I'm an asshole. How to kill myself again? You know that shit all about. You know I mean it's like drinking. It's drinking. You know, that gap blond. It's like a bottle of Scotch with legs. You know. So in an even so, I need this girl. Score it, though. I can marry this girl. You know my life would be perfect. So I marry the Gal. I get the perfect job, I get a beautiful house in my beach on lookst, Country Club, golf course, a beautiful parents, have a beautiful child. Everything is fantastic. Six months later I'm in the bar with a guy's drink and look at the gals of the dance floor. She's talking to you. Why don't you come home? Wanted to come home. I get home at four o'clock in the morning, always because I'm thinking about, you know, how I want to go out and, you know, have sex with or go out one another woman, because she was like, you know, like a used car. She was use I was tired of her, whatever the heck it was. I'm twenty seven years old and I'm thinking, I'm starting thinking that it's not her fault, it's not my fault. We just got married too young. Just got married too young, you know what I mean. And it was a mistake, that's all. And she's still beautiful, it's still nice and everything like that nice way. But you know, I feel untied down to it. I'm lusting after these women, you know, and everything. I never cheated on my wife and, lets you count sitting in the bar at four o'clock, the women think about cheating and cheating, you know. And and if you, by the way, if you've ever waited for somebody else who's out, you know there's a terrible thing to put somebody through. And so, all the way, she takes me out of the house and I get divorce and as I'm leaving the House, I'm saying I'm free, I'm free, I was happy left everything that's important to me, should be important, my wife, my kid, my you know, my house, everything, and I'm saying, and thank God I'm free now I can go out and date and go out with other women, everything like that. You know, when you have this disease, this disease which affects you sober and not sober, that's the way you see like you leave people and you walk away and you do things that have no integrity and you hurt people and you're about their parts and they have long lasting effects and you don't think you did anything wrong and your rationalized, because you tell yourself rationalize, that makes sense. And and and you're quite frankly, you're an asshole. You know what I mean? You're an asshole and you feel guilty and you don't. You don't know. You feel guilty because you can drink. When...

...you drink, you don't feel guilty. You know that itselfs you know. Listen, I don't blame alcohol on anything I did because I heard most people, my life badly based upon selfishness, because I want to do things. I want to do cold stones Ober, and the only thing I'll call did was a help me live with my sorry as self while I was doing it. So, when you live like that way, hurting people like that and leaving their lives and ripping their hearts out and doing stuff like that, and you somehow figure out that it's not your fault and it was okay and there was a reason for it because you were too young to old, who gives a shit? You know what I mean? That's because you are delusional. You are a delusional you come to alcoholics anonymous, you get Stober, sober, you're still thinking that. You start doing four steps, a fist steps. All of a sudden you come in the other end of that saying what an Asshole I was, what you know, and then you start talking about a man's steps and everything like that. Also, they see the world the way the world sees the world the way God sees the world, the way it really is, and you see who you really are, who you really are, you know you really could be, and you don't bullshit yourself saying, well, I wasn't that bad a person. Right. Never hurt anybody except myself. You know, let me tell you something. Seventy years old and I'm sixty nine, like thirty nine years sober, you know, into my forty five years so, and I'm going to tell you something. I did my amends to my first life and I have a relationship with everybody, all that sort of stuff, because I did the amends. But I can tell you something. You know how it says we will not regret the past. I'm just going to tell you them and throw this out. That's not necessarily totally true because at my age of seven years old, I look back in my life, I regret what I did with my first life now even more now. Listen, I don't walk around thinking about a worry about it, feeling guilty or anything like that, but when I think about what I did, I regret how I treated those people and I did my amends and I can talk to my from my first wife and we're not and I could and I have a relationship with all those people, but trust me, I regret, and you honest, something I never want to I think that's a good thing for me, because I never want to get to the point where I don't realize what I could be to other people and what I have the ability to do as far as hurting other people because of this disease. And think about I'm basically good, but God got good guy. My grandmother was not necessarily correct. I'm basically selfish. Any goodness I have or any decency I have now is because of my relationship with God, because before I had a relationship with God, for I came in here, before I started focusing on them, you know, and praying to him, I was the guy who walked out on her, and I would have done that even if I wasn't drinking. Because I've heard a lot of people, because my selfish desires, so I don't bullshit myself, and they're thinking I'm basically a nice guy, you know, and all that sort of stuff. So it says so I'm delusional, I'm full of fear, you know, all that sort of stuff. They're talking about selfish and I'm selfish, self centered self. Certain by means like I think about myself a lot that I got now because after third nine years, because of the dementia, I don't think at all. You know, I don't even think when I'm up here talking. I don't know what I'm saying. But that kind of deal, that's the kind of thing that happens when do these steps over and over and over and over and over again, and it's like, and how does that happen? It says in the big book. That's why the God thing is so important. When Carl, when Roland hasn't, went up to call young, they said you're going that for chronic alcoholic. I've never been really says, is there no hope? He says here and there once in a while, these things changed. It's got to be a major, substantial psychic change. And this is the way he describes it. Ideas, emotions and attitudes, which is pretty much your whole personality. It's the motherboard. Ideas, emotions and add to his that are the guiding force of these men's lives are cast one side and they become dominant by holy said of ideas, emotions and add to in the big book talks about being reborn become like different people. Big, he says selfish and selfcererinness and says it. Says it's the driving forces. We're drip, we're like on automatic. We are like if you're an not cool and you're not focused on God, you're on automatic pilot to screw somebody open. You're on automatic pilot to somehow go throughout the day and hurt somebody and probably also hurt yourself. You don't even have to think about it. You don't even have to think about automatically you're going to do something that you're going to that's going to be bad news later on. It's just going to happen. You know, if you got some sort of addiction, you got the stuff going on. You know, I'm focused on God. Automatically you're going to do some crazy shit. Now that's just way, and I even realize you're crazy. So that's the deal. So and an even. But that's one...

...of the things. The fourth step does. It sort of bring fourth step and five step and all these things going sort of brings that into relief. So you can see that deal and that's the thing that you bring got. That's what you have to say, because that's when you're really getting at that's when you do in the autopsy. You're really getting at the disease and find out who you are and revealing yourself to yourself and then you know, hopefully over a period of time, changing that deal. So that's it, that's all I have to say that.

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