AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 15 · 1 year ago

Russell S - Consequences @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

That's okay. Thanks. Thank youvery much. We this like I like. I want to be blind side bysome black jot crazy people over there. My name is Russell. I'm analcoholic. Number this. Where am I? I know that it's mygroup, South Texia Group of alcoholics, anonymous. I've got to Mension,but don't end up on the seventy years old. It's over for me.So try to get something together to night. So it's great. We are ona sober men's cruise over the weekend and met a bunch of guys whohad a great time and watch the Super Bowl and all that sort of stuff, and it's good. I missed you, guys, so it's going to beback with you, guys. I'm gonna this is the fourth talk inthis group and all these talks were recorded throwing rocky the Dott work if youmissed any, but in avent so what I try to do is, toa certain extent, is maybe say something about whatever step. I'm Sofian.I used to call them steps and you know, like because it is likethe step they got one through twelve. You know, this is step one, but the truth of the matter is, I I don't even label that themthat anymore. I just call him talks. And because I'm all overthe place, because I've been so rich, is January twenty five, nineteen eightyone, and so I've been sold with thirty nine years, but orlike ours, I like to refer to it, I'm going. I'm intomy forty. Theater like beside. Believe when he keeps you're allowed at acertain points of round up. You know what I mean. So in aneven so, I haven't you know that old karate kid thing, laps on, wax off, laxxing. And know why am I doing this? Andyou know I have to win practice in this thing with the help of lifeand all the vagaries of life and all the stuff that goes on and allthe resentments you got in the problems you get into, in the trials,letibulations and working this thing, working this thing. So who the thought thatif you just try to not drink one day at a time and turn yourlife over to God, that pretty soon you're even stop being nervous? Mysponsor used to say you got to develop equanimity, which, if you lookit up, means something like the ability to be at peace and cranquil evenin the midst of chaos. And I can be be a piece or tranquileven the misses of good things, you know, but chaos, forget aboutit. And when I finally developed something called Equanimity, my my wife assumedit was dementia and then she had that's true. She actually went to thedoctors dragons just had me tested, I mean the brain scan and everything likethat. So when any and he he for not. He explained to herthat it's not, I don't have it. So whatever was maybe, I don'tknow. You know, but just because he said just because she doesn'thear, he doesn't hear what you're saying, doesn't mean he has to mention,you know, that made some sort of protective coloration that he's gotten,some protective thing that he's gotten after many years, because I've been married,I've been sober thirty nine years. Are Married thirty night years. So that'sa good thing. So I want to I want to what I what Ido. I do like to touch it on on some of the steps.You know I'm very big on the God things. Anybody who's been here thelast three times now you know like and because it's interwovement. It's the maindeal throughout the entire that's what the book is all about. It's all aboutseat with the relationship with him is right and great events will come to pass. Few and countless others doesn't say. Do a good fourth step in greatevents will. I will pay US come for you. And it says oncewe make that decision, that's serious and serious decision with God, all sortsof remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, they will give you everything you needif you stay close to him. Performance Works is works well, itsays. When no, on the new basis of trust and relying about God, Punk God, we don't argue with people about God, we don't tryto defend it, we just let them see it by your actions and whatit's done of you. It's all about the God thing throughout the book.That's what it's about about. They have a whole chapter to agnostics. Saysget over it. Whole chapter. It says if a mere code of moralsare better, philosophy of life would help you, you know you'd be soa long time ago, but wouldn't help us. We just don't have thepower to fear the craziness. We we just don't have the power to curethe craziness. You know, you just don't have the power to make yourselfgood or have integrity or love other people or your should about anybody except yourself. You just don't have that power. So we had to find a powergram ourselves. I sweetie, you feel free to come back in. YourMommy's need to be sober. MOMMIES need to be an alcoholics anonymous. Mymom was an alcohol cheek. Got Nineteen years, so much passed away,but I like to see mom's and alcoholics anonymous. So in any event,so I you know, and you know. What does it say? It sayswe wrote a book about God. That says and that says the hackleswhere I'm next going to stand up or ready to be kissed off? Andsays this sort of thinking has to be abandoned. God either is, thereisn't, which it decison going to be? It says there is one who hasall power. That one is guy. Does say that doesn't? I don'teven know really. That is ready. You know. There is one ofus all power. That one is God. May you find them now, it says. It says you can't manage your life, can't manage awayout of this. You can't be good...

...enough or try hard enough to benot crazy. Crazy is just who you are. It does that you don'thave the power to not be crazy. If you had the powder not becrazy, you wouldn't be going these stupid means just wanted. You would avoidit, these you've been just go out there, you stop drinking. Youokay, go out there, don't stop going to me and stop doing this. Say, go out there. See how it works out for you,you know, see see whether you somehow become not crazy just because you're notdrinking. Drinking is the symptom disease, any mean disease, you know.And it says there is, it says what's the deal? Says God couldn'twhat if he were soap? We got we got to get rid of theselfishness. We must work kills us. You have to get rid of thebooze, which is the symptom of disease, they say. Now we got toget rid of the selfishness, because that's the real disease. In thesecond step, where they say we come to believe. Then the first stepand get rid of the booze. You know, it says we're recovered fromthat hopeless state of mind of body. I don't know. You're a hopelessstate. My hope of state was I couldn't stop drinking. It's not thatI couldn't stop drinking or anything. I couldn't. I couldn't stop, youknow, thinking I couldn't stop drinking. What to Ay? said I needhelp. I can't stop drinking and say I need to find God or I'ma bad person. I couldn't stop drinking. You know, I tried to stopdrinking. I couldn't stop drinking. I came there, I picked upwie chip, I stopped drinking. After a couple weeks. I stopped drinking. I stopped obsessing over it. Drinking was some part of the picture.You know I mean somewhere along the line and you know it, it wentaway. I I recovered from. I recovered. I wasn't recovering. Irecovered from a hopeless state of mind. By missing your boyfriends is not ahopeless state of mind. And Body being broken, being worried about is nota hopeless state of mind. The body telling yourself an eight o'clock and onewhen you wake up I'm not going to drink today and then drinking anyway,over and over again, as a hopeless state of mind in the body.I've recovered, a Hohele state of mind body. If you're in here,it's already happened for you. You've recovered from a hope of state of mindthe body. Unfortunately, that's not really the problem, because now I recomefrom a hope of state in mind and body. Now you discovered it.You're crazy, which is why you drink. That's why men, when the drink, as I like the effect produced by alcohol, it's the best medicine. No woman, no man, no matter, no car, no amountof money ever works bright as well. It's just a few drinks. Soit's stopped drink. I stopped drinking it because it stopped working. And thebad part about my life, it stopped working about ten years before it's Irealized that I heard a lot of people, but I stopped drinking, and thenI started discover that, even though I wasn't drinking, at three o'clockin the morning when I woke up with all sorts of anxiety, I wasstill crazy. And then it says after the first step, which is theboot step, it says. We'd come to believe that power great in ourselvesselves will restore us to sanity, which means that you're insane. They don'tsay this, they imply it. You you really have to be very smartto understand this. You know something. I know you guys are free thisthing out. You can only be restored to sanity if you're nuts, ifyou're already saying you don't need to be restored the sanity. So what happensis we coming here and we're insane, but we don't know we're insane.And the kind of insanity have they label it as you can label it anywayyou want. But later on the book they sort of give you peeks andbeing and said, you know, the first step and getting out of jail, as you got to know you're in jail the first place. Ultimately yourealize that you have an alcohol problem. You know, when somebody first bringsup to you, say I quick whenever I want, you know, screwyourself in it, and then after while you start thinking, you know,maybe I should stop drinking or something like that. But then you finally cometo the point. If you get to the first step, as you realizeyou need help. You can't stop drinking. Your life sudden manageable. You realizeyou have an alcohol problem. So you focus on the alcohol problem.You coming here and you and somehow you stop drinking. And but what youdon't realize is, although that is the symptom of the problem, it becomesa very big problem when your life becomes a bottle. After you get ridof the bottle, then you will find out that that's not really the alcoholism, that the real disease centers in your mind and not your body. Andlooking to you guys, you all have minds, so you all have thedisease. Or is Carl Young said to Roland Hazard after he got rid ofthe decease, the drinking after six or eight months and said now, knowingthe inner works of my mind, drinking is just impossible, says nevertheless hewas drunking a few weeks. So it goes back to Doctor Young, thegreatest psychiatrist at that time, the nineteen hundreds and early nineteen hundreds. Andhe says the Doctor Young, he says, I've been sobering under your treatment.I've been into a treatment center for like a year or six months orwhatever it is and I thought I really understood everything. And then I startgoing for home and two weeks later I'm drunk as a skunk and I can'tstop drinking. What's wrong with me? and Doctor Young says to him somethingthat was the case then and is still the case now. He said youhave the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have net this is the greatestpsychiatrist. I have never been successful where the state of mind exists such asin you. And this is a I know it's supposedly. I don't knowwhat it's an open meeting or somebody to do, but there's probably any alcoholicshador. Well, you know, if Doctor...

Youngen here was here, he wouldsay to you you have the mind of crowd of alcoholic. I've never beendiscussed worry about like you, and they just have an event at a pillyet, and that's what psychiatrist you now. They don't really treat you, theyjust give me a pill. I haven't been that a pill yet thatis going to give you integrity? Or have you really shit about anybody exceptyourself? So, which is, by the way, what ultimately a asort of explains to the disease. The DIS ease disease. Explains the diseasein many ways, but the one I'm going to talk about tonight is whenthey defined it as selfishness. They say that's the basis, that's the that'sthe root of our trouble, selfishness. But but that doesn't really much meanmuch to an alcoholic. It really doesn't. It didn't mean that much to me. They say a lot of words in a that sound good and Ilike them. They're easy to read and the Non Confrontational. But well,for instance, second stuff, as I said, is we had the hostingis very nonconfidential. Came to believe that a power writ in ourselves could restoreus to sanity, which is you're fucking crazy, but God can be surethat you know, or something like that, if you want to be mean aboutit. But in the old days, before, you know, before thenight before one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine, there were no bonesabout. They can get you on your knees and you know you'd have to, you know, swear your belief in God and give your life to God. And let's Dr Bob said to Clarence Snyder, if you will, evenGod, and he said what is act with. He says everything. Theyweren't ashamed of it, they weren't a worried about you had to make,you had a you got a profess your belief in God that God could helpyou. But nowadays, you know, is more and more people come inand there through their list. You know, there, you know, I camein on my knee. He's it didn't really matter. I was mywhole life was about sex, women, rock and roll, money and myBible was Playboy magazine. And you know, that was a whole deal. Andand if I didn't get I got. I got crushed. You know,it says the way we got new perspectives of repeated relations, found questionof Ourselvesman, I got crushed. I came down on my knees before Igave my life to Lord or and I gave my life to Lord before Icame day, December twenty and fifth nineteen eighty one in one thousand nine hundredand eighty three o'clock Morn I got downe gave my life to Jesus. AndI'm a Jewish gift from New York. So it gives you an idea.You know what I mean, how bad it was for me how desperate Iwas, you know, just some guy came out of TV and I wasjust lucky the Christians didn't show up. I could down in the airport witha temper, with a tambourine, you know what I mean. But butthat's the deal. That's how I came to I was willing to do Iwas. I was willing to go to any lane. I was willing.I wasn't one of these guys that stood in the corner and would not saythe Lord's prayer because, Hey, I think Jesus said that, or so. I was not one of those guys. I was. I was one ofthose guys. You told me to do something, you were in mysponsor when I trust I did it. They made me a little argument herethere, but I was like ready, I did not want to drink.So I was fortunate. I'm not patting myself on the back. I wasfortunate, you know, to come in here and not be sure and sortof auditioning in this place, and I know I like this, but Idon't like that. And maybe there's or maybe that you know, you mayultimately get it, but you're just going to get into a little problem beforeyou do. Because you're going to start trying to take over and manage yourrecovery and all that sort of stuff. But I surrendered, you know,and that was my deals. So so I can only talk about my life, you know, when you come up here and somebody says, tell meYour testimony, your experience rength at home, you know, you know there's atendency, if you're an alcoholic, as one of the problems with alcoholics, one of the problem, one of the one of the parts that theydisease, which you learn as time goes on, is the fact that youuse spend a lot of time worrying about how you look to other people,with the exception whether they like your affect. That's a real important to alcoholics andit's very hard to understand how deep rooted that is, that fear ofother people's judgment, especially when you spend whole life telling you you're telling yourselfyou'll give a shit with other people think about you. Know, and sowhen you spend your whole life brainwashing yourself and the believe you don't give ashit what other people think about you, and the reason you say that isso is to try to convince yourself that you don't give a shit. Oneof the think about you said you it's you get confused. So but inas the layers get ripped off and everything, you realize how scared you are,how much fear you have. And, as I said, the first stepand deal with the disease is knowing you got disease in the first place. And sometimes these words have to be defined not only the big book,but they have to be defined by experience, because sometimes you just don't pay attentionto the disease until it hits your three o'clock the morning and you've likethe life is over and it's not going to get better again. I meansometimes you don't pay attention to the booze until your life is destroyed in imageable. Sometimes you don't pay attention to the lust until your your marriage is blownup or you're a jail for children. Arch fears some some. Sometimes youdon't pay attention to degree until you're bankrupt and take away all your credit cardsbecause you spend more money than you make and you're always spending money you don'thave buying should you don't need to impress...

...people you don't like and you're alwaysright. Sometimes you don't pay attention to what the real problem is. Butotherwise it's real problem until you have bad things happening to you, because whengood things are happening, I don't give you just don't pay the attention.So you got it. So this surrender thing, like surrender, the bootsrendered, his lust surrender, degreed surrender, the pride surrenders, all that stuffhappens over period of time. Doesn't happen all at once or one day. You know, and and that's the fun of Stainings Ober for twenty thirtyyears, you get to beating out of you by life, because if youcontinue with the old way of thinking, those old ideas, what happens?If you don't get rid of them, the result is what? Noil,noil. I know you think it's if you do it fifty percent of it'salways it's a if you we feel like if I do a fifty percent oftime, I'll get fiftyercent. Now the result as Noll. Let you letyou got to let go absolutely. But how can you let go absolutely butyou don't even know what the fuck you're supposed to let go of? Youknow what? Any how can you deal with your selfishness. That's if that'strue of them. How can you do with your selfishness when, honestly,you just don't believe your selfish? How do you deal? How do youdeal with the fact that you're an alcohol can you can't stop drinking? Youhave drinking problem when you don't think you have a drinking problem? Well,you don't deal with it and you don't get that at how do you dealwith selfishness, which my sponsor, you want to make sure I understood.So it says selfishness, self centered in this driven a hundred forms of yourself delusion, self seeking, be stuff on top of others. They retaliate. He said, well, what that means, Ross, is you don'tgive a shit about anybody except yourself. And of course that only goes on, you know, maybe for the First Fifteen, twenty years or something likethat, and I'm not even saying it goes away completely or something like that. But how do you deal with that when you actually think they're basically agood person? And I, like grandma, used to say, Russell, you'rebasically a good boy. I'm not quite sure what that means day date. Down inside there's a goodness somewhere, buried, somewhere in there. Wow. Well, of course that's with fourth step in life is all about.These things are really revealed in the problems, in the trials. That's why Ibook the chains. There were three books. If you read Dr Bobbygood old I'm going to do a little history now in Dr Bob and goodold timers a started in nineteen thirty five. That's when Dr Bob Me, BillWilson and they were people stick, people staying sober based upon what theydoing. And in Nineteen thirty nine they've read a book called alcoholics anonymous.Our fellowship gets a name from the book. In nineteen thirty nine, between nineteenthirty five and nineteen thirty nine, about four hundred people got sober.That not a hundred people. I'm sorry. That's why I in the book.In the Ford Book says we are over one hundred. Any women whohave recovered from a whole state of mind, the body, so I'll do,be recovered doing the AA prop doing a program, doing something. Theyrecover. And in the big book this is what they say. They sayrarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Anotherword you do what we did, you'll get what we got. Now,listen to me. They weren't working, they were reading the Big Book.You understand? Y'All understand that big book was written one nine hundred thirty ninein the big they said, rarely how we see the down first and failedwas thoroughly followed our path between nineteen thirty five, minute thirty nine. Theyweren't reading the Big Book. Please tell me, understand, that hadn't beenwritten yet. They were doing something else. And other words, you do whatthey did, you'll get what they got, I mean. And whatthey got was they got rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence, which theydid not even dream. They experience much of heaven and they had something happenedand called the great fact. They said to this and nothing less, whichI think means is this and nothing less. It says, it says they have. Their entire life was focused the most important thing, that the onething in their life was the great aspect and idea of their life was toturn their life over to their creator, God. The capital say they wereabsolutely certain. They were absolutely certain that God existed, that God existed andlived in their hearts and lives. He was doing for them when they can'tdo for themselves. And that theme goes all through the book and the entirebook. Read the entire book, from the first step to last step,from everything, it's all about turning you towards God. And they can godthe number one thing in your life. There's not a page that doesn't haveto do with it. Job or no job, wife or no wife.Let no man say can be covered without, you know, without getting those thingsback. All He needs is relationship with God. There is one whohas all powered out, is God. I mean everything in the big bookis about God. You know it's as I mean just every page is aboutGod. So you'd be it's not about the perfect fourth step. Nobody's gonnado the brow of the perfect fifth step's not about the perfect Mr that youcan go through every step in the world. If, at the end of allthe steps and five years sobriety and ten years sobriety, you're a guyand you're focusing on the blond and the front row instead of your Creator,you're going to be you're not going to...

...be here long, that's just afact the line. And you're not going to be able to stay married andI've have a decent relationship and even if you managed to stay sober, theonly thing you're could be thinking about as the fun in the front row,because that's your God. If the only thing you think about his money,that's your God. You know, that's the bottom line. That's what thebook is all about, and believe me, many are all of if you arechosen. There's sobriety and then there's emotional sobriety, and the book talksabout in the sixth step, the step that separates the men from the boys, the men from the boys, or the women from the girls, Isuppose. And but it talks it says it's repeated for a lifetime. Thatstuff is repeated for a lifetime, the efforts to do that. And themen are the man who, I suppose, the women are those people who arerepeatedly, throughout their entire life, trying to grow in the image andlikeness of their creator. There he is again, the Creator. That's thedeal. So if you want to turn your life over your Creator and ifGod will give you everything you need as long you just stay close to himand perform his work, well, it'd be good to know who he isnow you could say God is an oak tree, but, you know,I don't know what it oaks you I don't know what an oak tree wants. You could say God is, you know, a Bush, but Idon't know what the Bush wants. You said God is a Doorkno, I'mnot sure what a doorknob wants. It's pretty good, I guess. Whatwhat your God and your understanding is going to want from you, what you'regoing to need. If you're if you if you're confused about who God isand what God is and everything like that, which is normal for most people,you're going to have a hard time figuring out what he wants. Sowhen you're going to end up doing, is what you're going to end updoing, is you're going to try to think about what you think God wants. And if you don't know what God wants and you just do what youthink God wants, the funny thing is going to happen to you. You'regoing to start realize that in your life, God wants things, wants you todo things that basically you want to do already. You're going to beyour God, you're can be sponsoring yourself. You can end up doing what youwant to do because you think it's smart, because you got a brainstorm, because you got an idea, and you're not going to be following agod or a higher powering thing. You're going to be the higher power.Can Be following your own thinking because it makes sense, and then one dayyou're going to wind up drinking again, a drugging again or miserable trying tofigure out what's going on. thinking. You following the a program. Thea program is just a program to help you get to the point where youfind God and have a relationship with God, not that there's some God in thesky or something like that. Even talks about in the seventh step.It says you could even say you believe in God, but your belief remainsbarren because he's not part of your life. You don't make the citizens based uponhim, you don't focus on him. So I'm going to get away fromthat for a second because I want to sort of do a little fourstep stuff. But you know, as far as I don't teach anymore.I used to teach, you know or talk about how you do the fourstep. There's no need for me to do that. There's a lot ofgood people that will tell you how to do that. I personally believe youdo it the way it's done in the big book. They have a chartis for lists, you know, list of resentments, less the fears,less the faults, list of sexual deals and you know, and things you'vedone wrong. It's a list of the big book. You can read it, you can you can look it over. I'm not going to talk about that. I want to talk about the reasons, the reasons why. Iwant to sort of Hook on the reasons to the God thing. And youknow, what happens is the law. It's like with anything. You know, when I'm a lawyer, when I first started out with a law deal, you know, I wanted to be. You know what, I always wantto be a criminal. Yam. This is of all the TV showsand stuff. You know, I wanted to be like whatever on the TVshow I wanted. I would want to be a grimois. That's what Ifelt. Where was I think it was got to throw up contracts. Nothingwrong with that. But so I started off in the day county states attorneys, officenters, a prospect become the vision chief doing major crimes, and that'swhat I've been doing all my life, but when I first started, Iwant to be a good lawyer. So what I would do is, whatif they're, when there were really seasons, experienced guys. You know, there'sthe old saying with a man with experience gets a man with money,the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with themoney will have walked away with an experience. So well, I used to playtennis. You know, I was never really good, but I meanI got pretty good. But but what happened has been amateur deal. Butwhat happened is I noticed that I always got really much better when I wasplaying somebody better than me, you know what I mean. And when Iwas playing something better than me, it's stud forced me to play better.So what I would do is I would go down and I would watch theseason the old time lawyers give closing arguments, hoping statements. I would watch trials, I would watch that stuff and I would go against those guys.And you know, as iron started shopping, tire man, shoppings man and andthat's what happens. So in alcoholics anonymous in a sense, it sortof works the same thing. That's what says I want what we have andit will go to any length to get it. Then you're ready to takecertain steps. Some people come in here. Back in the old days, theysort of weed them out right from...

...the beginning because they tell you getdown on your knees and give you a life to God. And they didall that stuff and I'm not going to go through it. I think Iread some stuff from that's what they used to do. Thirty five, fewthirty nine, and you know the guys that you hear in the rooms,you know the guys in here in the rooms these days, that things weren'tthat bad, you know, and they had a bad batch of ice orsomething, whatever it is, and they say things like well, if Ihave heard about God, I would have walked out of Roman earlier. Youknow, they we did those guys out right away because they weren't going toget down on their knees. But they had large groups of people who wantedthey were desperate, so they got down on their knees and they did thatthing. So in any event, definitely didn't the old but but nowadays whathappens is we got people come in here and they're ready, like I camein here ready you know nothing, nothing. I'm not taking any credit for that. I'm you know, I'm just grateful for I came in here,I drank. My sponsor said, never, I'm Robin. Alcohol coms desperation,never rob of his last drink. You know, somebody says to me, Sponsey says to me, you know, I'm going to drink. You know, I'll try to talk to a little bit, but it he saysno, I don't think I'm gonna'll say hey, have a good time.Well, I'm drink. I don't think there's anything wrong with drinking. Ithink I think I'm rather to see a guy drinking. I mean the we'restill having alcoholic be drinks is you'll die real to I mean it's not asif real bad as common as dirt. It's not a big deal. Andnot know. The sad part is he might take a family for with them. But the bottom line is of an alcoholics are going to drink. He'sgoing to drink. You Ain't going to stop and you don't a baby sittingor anything like that. Some people, you know, just need to drink. So listen, alcohol is the greatest thing that we have going for us. The only reason you're here is because of alcohol. You only me you'restaying here is because alcohol. If you don't do this break program, ifyou don't do this program, we don't have any. Eight poleast. Wecall in the Scotch and it clears out the fucking feel. It just itjust comes through like a self cleaning of it and wipes them all out.They come back. This is I'm back again. This time I'm really goingto do it. Four step. You know, I'm back in treatment again. You Know Path Bullshit. You know what I mean. I'm sorry,I'm not that well. You know, too many people sponsor to me.You know, alcoholics, alcoholics. You know. Sometimes I need patting onthe back and love, but sometimes, you know, we just need agood kick in the ASS and jail time. So I got our guts, ourattention, you know. You know, listen, if you try to tolove it, to to to convince an alcoholic to do what you wantthem to do, it won't be long until you're an Alan on. Andlet me tell you something, my wife's an Hellen on our LADIS per petsionrevenge. I've been down on conventions. Guys, you want to do anythingto avoid Alani. You're got to trust me, go right now and likeyou don't want to go to Alani. The last thing you want to dois put yourself in a position where an alcoholics driving you crazy. You knowwhat I mean, because they don't really give a shit. You know Imean they're not going to change, you know, and you can argue intothe you can argue with them for hours. You want to be in a positionwhen you can say to an alcoholic ash you love them. Listen,maybe you need to go out and drink, not because you're hating but because youlove them. You know, and I feel guilty if they do,and I'm this some old timers saying that's bullshit. Well, I'll tell yousomething. Thirty nine years I've support a hell a lot of people and Ican't tell you how many people actually get this thing. When you don't doto stay, just love to argue with you. They love the attention,they love negative attentionally like six year olds, alcoholics like six year olds. Theyjust want you to pay attention to it. You know, nothing willget you an alcoholic more attention than saying to a group I want to drink. I'm then the entire drink of group. Will folks like, yeah, it'sgood to a certain extent. Where it happens fifteen times over a periodof ten years. You know, I mean fifty times over some point oftime. They've got to realize that, you know, they're the group's notgoing to say they've been they've better do something, they better grow up,you know, take responsibility for their own sobriety. But I digress, Ido. But anyway. So here's the deal. There's a book called talkedabout in the good old timers and Dr About in Goal Times. They talkedabout the time, the for the first four years, and it says thatthe books that they found absolutely essential. If you're trying to figure out whatthey did, what they thoroughly did, what they did during the first youknow said, really, I've seen person rail is thoroughly going to you saidthe books they found absolutely essential. That's the actual word they use. Absolutelyessential. You know, do what we did absolutely these books are absolutely essential. Essential means essential. Absolutely essential means unfreakin believable essential. You know whatI mean. And now you don't have to read these books. You knowI mean. I love Contemppor or to investigation you can use any excut,but that's what the book says. Was...

First mytheist thirteen, the book ofJames and Sermon on the Mount. Those are three books that they use.That's what they used. And alcoholics anonymous. They came out of the auction movingthat's we use the Bible and I read to some stuff last week fromcompress approof the material. But as the use in the book of James Isthe book that says the First Chap says rejoice when you have trial, anda lot of the scripture is within the big book. You would know it'sin the big book. Unless you study scripture, you understand. When Iwas fifteen years sober I started going as part of rowing in my relationship withGod, because apparently we have this elevence that says you got improved your consciouscontact. Maybe ever see that? You got to prove contos contact. Thatmeans if you have tremendous conscious contact that nine years, you got improve it. It means you got thirty nine years, like I got thirty nine years orwhatever hell I got. You know, it means no matter what my relationshipwith got, I got to improve it, because that's what the stepsays. I've constantly improved because the nature of my disease is it's like payingtennis. I'm playing tennis with my disease. It's always going to try. Igot to be stronger than my disease. My My, let me tell yousomething. Life is difficult shit. Even when you stop screwing up yourself, even when you stop suffering the consequences of your own action, even whenyou're doing it right, life will blind side you. People will die,people will get cancer, stuff will happen. Okay, terrible stuff will happen it. Life is unfair. Life is not necessarily fair. Children will dieand I'll stuff will happen. And you know, the bottom line is Igot to constantly keep on touch of the top of myself, because I cannotbe I cannot be diverted by worldly clamors. I've got to have that equanimity thatthe Apostle Paul said. I've learned to be content in all things.My my sobriety, my emotional sobriety, how I feel about myself, thejoy I have within the cannot, cannot and not depend upon my check bookor how much money I have in the bad. It cannot it cannot dependupon my wife's smooth Oh my God, I can't depend upon Ye. I'mthe only person that had all our kids, like at four kids, seven grandkids. They're all gone, just me, my wife and the three dogs,and the dogs are small. You know, I'm the biggest thing inthe house. You know my wife Wakes up, I get slammed. Youknow what I mean. I get slam for something. There isn't enough Icould do. If I go to the store and I buy fifteen million thingsand I walk in, she says to me, you didn't get this,I'm I'm not going to get a thank you. Trust me. I'm notgoing to say, Oh, great, sober warrior, thank you for gettingall this stuff. and Ain't gonna happen. Okay, my Wye, my sobrietyand how I feel myself can't depend upon with my wife is nice ornot nice. You know how you stays ope for thirty nine years. Youget sober and you stop worrying about you know, you just pray for it. You know she's got wife and she's got to live on this planet too, and she's got a r own deal and if God says she's an Eleanon. So what do you expect? You know, as if she's well, you know, so that's her deal, you know, but it even.But that's the way I've got to be at work, that's the wayI've got to be with judges, clients, with everything. They're all out thereattacking it, with TV whatever in this world. I cannot allow thisworld to get inside of me. And I'll tell you. If you're focusingon the the women, the men, the romance, the Lipstick, whateverthe helln is, the cars and that, you're dead chicken. And when youthink of it, whenever you're nervous and when of your ilities and withyou feel crappy. Anybody here feel crappy? Old He's nervous. abody over hereabout anxiety. You're always thinking about that shit, aren't you? You'realways think about that shit, aren't you? You're thinking about the bullshit in thisworld. They shiny things in this world. You're putting your trust inthat stuff. You worry about. What are make me to get this one. Am I gun? You're an if only, or yes, butter,and why kind of have this? And what happens if I lose that?And what are they going to think about me now, you should other peoplethink about me, and all that sort of stuff just rattling through your brain, and not to mention the stuff when you think about yourself, when you'reputting yourself down, because this alcoholism is all about standing the shower and allof a sudden, here in this voice, that you're an Asshole, you wantto kill yourself. That kind of s where does that come from?Come from you? It's your reputation, of deal with. You your apiece of Shit, you're unworthy, you don't deserve to live. Okay,you can stop the drink. And how you got to stop the unworthy enough. Don't deserve to live. Your piece of Shit, and nothing's going tomake you better. Are you going to stop that Shit? You've been doingthat ever since you went two years old. You can't stop that Shit. Canyonbothers you. So what do you do? You sort of you starttexting somebody watching corn or whatever the hell you do to make it go awayso you don't have to think about it. But there ain't enough shit you cando. There ain't enough crap you can get involved in all the time. You know where you don't have a spot where somehow kids into your brain. Must be because you stuff, because your piece of Shit. You dothat. Where does that come? That's...

...alcoholism. You don't know what senseabout these selfresenter. That's the sad so lessen. Until an alcohol accepts hisalcoholism and all his consequences, allmends consequences. Is Sobriety for Paris and true happinesswill find it at all. How many people like true happiness? Raiseyour hand if you want to happen. Has This is you know, youalcoholics. They're so scared. You're scared to raise your hands, aren't?You're scared to raise your hand. You're scared of what people think about you. If you raise your hand, you don't even know. You're scared aboutwhat people I say. How many, I say? How many fucking peoplewant to be happy? Two guys raise their hand like idiot's unbelievable. Theydon't even know to see. This is the point. If I was ina group of regularly by said how many people want to be happy? TheyWHOA, they don't howl. How many people want to be happy? DoI wait a second, do I really want to raise my hand? Andthat's so uncool. You know what I mean. Well, Wellshit, thinkabout me sitting. That's what will you think about me? You know,and you don't even know what you're doing that deal. It's so automatic,worrying about what other people think about you. You know, it's crazy. That'sokay, I'm used. You know how that feels. I know I'mfeels the sitting class when the judge says judges, the teacher says, anybodyhave the answer? And you have the answer, but you're you're debating witha raised that is what if you're wrong. Anybody have a question? You don'twant to raise your hand. Would have been stupid. But Jon,you know, he say I would. I would have run for any ofthis, you know. But you know who vote for me. I knowit's like to be worried about all its so in event, so so inany event. So we got this the book of change and all that sortof stuff, and one of the things it says in the book of Jamesis says you Joyce, we have trials of many kinds, because if youpersonally through the trials and you focus on God and faithful, grow and matureyou as an individual and you'll be able to handle trials and tribulations, andso the things that we complain about the worst, which at the trous oftribulations, those are the things that actually make us grow. You're any herebecause the trials and tribulations, because you are humiliated. These are things thatmake you grow. You know, when you get comfortable, you rest onyour laurels, you don't do stuff, you say I don't want to listento this graph because your life is okay. As soon as you start drinking againor something bad happens, you run back to AA. All of asudden you're instent what people like to say. You know, that's that's that's thetrials and tripping down. This is the the same sort of scriptures andthe twelve and twelve. It says the way they say the twelve and twelve. You would know this, unless you you know, we're student. TheBible goes around nine to ten years. I started going to church and Istarted reading the Bible and stuff like that. And you know, because, whetheryou know, they're not the big book and Encourages Church membership. Sosomebody tapped me on the shoulder when I had nine years or ten years,said have you ever been the Bible Study of course. I said to them, I don't know the Bible, study of Jewish Geofrom New York, andBlah, blah, blah, and the said. I gave all these excusesbecause because, you know, I said that, even though they were readingthe bottle of the big book and I knew all that, a lot ofstuff came back. And I don't already give them my life. You knowwhy I said that? For the same reason you're scaredulrat your hand. Iwas worried about what other people think about them. I was. I wasworried what they think about me in a a, you know, been justtheir spiritual, not religious, and all that sort of stuff. I guessI missed that part of the big book what says we encourage church membership andthey row members of churches. I'm like that I missed that part, youknow. But then what happened to me? Is it around nine or ten yearsI wron emotionally and spiritually to the point where I realize that, andthis is exactly what happened, because I remember saying this to myself. I'mrealized that not doing something based upon fear what other people would think about mewas stupid. It was alcoholic. You know. You know I'm an alcoholic. In other words, the first thing I think about is, might thishelp me? Might this help my family? You know I mean if the answeris yes, this might help me. Yes, it's worth investigating. Yes, you know, without contecting might help my family. Might help thatI'll then. Most people do it. But as an alcoholic, the wayI think is might does help me. Might this help my family? Whatwill other people think? If there's one guy who laugh and may forget?It's stupid. I do. You know what I mean, because Bot becauseI have fear of that's why it says in the promises you'll lose fear ofpeople and of economic insecurity. If you're an alcoholic and you don't think youhave fear of people, it's because you are not well enough to realize howscared you are people. So you're in denial, because I know you're scaredof people, because the one thing I understand not the old idea was onunique and nobody's like me. The new idea haven't been an a a longtime, as we're all twins. That's why it works, that's why youget up here and talk about anything. I just talk about what's on mymind. You know, women, man,...

...black, white, is all you'retalking about me, because we're all the same. You know, toa certain stand fat skin, it doesn't really matter. You know, we'reall the sential. The bottom line is if in the big book they're sayingyou're going to lose fear of people, necronomic insecurity, it's because they knowthat you're scared of people in their judgment and of economic insecurity, and that'swhy it's a promise, because you're going to lose that. You're say,how can I lose that? Of Don't worried about that. Should all mylife, not that I give a shit what other people think about me.That's why you worry about what car you drive and how you love, addressyou have and all sort of stuff and all that deal. You know,whatever it is. So in any even I so so in the big bookand says it doesn't say. The trouble tribulated says the way we get anew perspective is by repeated humiliations in the final crushing of our selfsufficiency. Theway we see things differently is by the crushing. This throughout the crushing.You know, it's the crushing that has us pay attention to look and saywhy and now? If you're or an alcoholic and you're not in recovery andyour crushed, as often happens, what you do is should do what Ido. You feel sorry for yourself or you blame other people. You knowthat's the only way of thinking. You say you're upset and your crushed andyour life is over because she's an Asshole, or my voice is a jerk,or this is likely everything. That's that's the deal in A. Wheneveryou're in AA, the spiritual actiom is whenever you disturb, no matter whatthe cause, there's something wrong with you, with you. No such thing asjustifiable anger. There's something wrong with you. Why does the body whenyour whole life has been spent being mad at other people, blaming other peoplefor everything in this world that's happened and saying if they would only change,if this would only change, when that's what the way you thought twenty,thirty, forty years. That doesn't stop when you stop drinking. You hadthat, listen me, you had that before you drank. It was goingstrong. You had that during the drinking. That's going to go on for agood, ten, fifteen, twenty, years after you stop drinking, veryhard to reverse that deal, and that's the true alcoholism. So theso in first print, in thirteen. Great sort of deal. Let mejust see this thing. First, Corinthians Thirteen. So this thing's been goingon for a long time, this this deal we're talking about. I'm justgoing to lead one part of this. None of you will ever hear thisagain anyway. So let me see whether I can find it. So youcan do this, though. Forget I should tell you. Go read ityourself if you will. If you will, but I don't know where it is. Okay, here it is. I'll do it this way. Sohere's the here it is. Here's how here's one part, a small part, about three or four lines. Okay, first mentionne thirteen, three or fourlines at the end. You know, I like this part. I likethis parkase it fits in with alcoholics. I don't know why if it's someabout boks, but I love it. It's so, so much about AlKey's. When I was a child, I talked like a child, Ithought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I becamea man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. I don't knowwhat I like that. You know, most people think as about not drinking. I think it's about growing up and becoming a man or a woman.Stop being a baby. I sponsor sixty five year old teenagers. You're moreinterested in Viagrathan, God, Jesus, Christmas. Pathetic. For now wesee only a reflection, as an a mirror. Then we shall see faceto face. Now I know in part. Then I shall know fully, evenas I am fully known. And now these three remain faith, hopeand love. But the greatest of these is love, and that's what theywere studying back in one thousand nine hundred, thirty five, thirty six thirty seven, about revealing themselves to themselves and having God revealed. You know whothey were and what they were and what the real problem was. I mean, you ever say you ever say to yourself, well, I used touse the F word. I don't suggest it or it's good, but thisis legs. Talk Myself. What the Fuck is wrong with me? Youprobably said different. You probably use the F word. You can see youguys are good alcoholics, you're nice autohol you probably said what perhaps could possiblywrong? Well, this is where you find them with the Hell is wrongwith you? So here's the deal. So let's talk about consequences. I'mjust going to go as real I got five minutes. I'm going to dothis in five minutes. I'm just going...

...this briefly. So what is whatare the consequences of being an alcoholic? Everything about that one of the consequencesof being an alcohol of it. So let's just go over a few things. Okay, it says it says that if you're an alcoholic, the rootis selfresistant, self centered. Is that what it says? Now, thisisn't from me. Don't blame me. You know what I mean. Thisis you know. If you don't, if you disagree with this, you'renot to scream with me. I won't take a person. You're disagreeing withthe big book, our basic text, okay, which we all agree with. It says you're one of the consequences. It says the root of our problemsis selfishness and selfcenteredness. You ever see that? You ever hear that? So what does that mean? Well, my sponsor says it is you don'tgive a shit about anybody except yourself, which is true. Well, itsays this says, driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion andself centeredness. Delusion itself self fear Number One, a consequence of being alcoholic. As you're scared. You're scared, you know. You know. Youcome up to me and you tell me you're not scared, just means you'restupid. Okay, you're scared. You're scared shitless. Okay, you know. You think it's fun living a life for fear, worried about shit allthe time. What's going to happen to me? Would happen to me?What did I say? What did I do? What's going to happen?You know, bad. Okay, how about delusion? It's a hundred formsof fear delusion. You know what delusion is? Delusion is you're not onlyscared, you have no idea what the flip is going on. Listen,it means that you think the world looks like this and the world doesn't looklike anything like this. Delusion, and I don't have time to tell thisstory, but I'll do a fast delusion, is when you say to yourself thatif I had if I married this woman or this man or whatever itis, whatever gender you are, whatever they're doing these days with gender.Married somebody, this hippopotamus. I don't here. Hey, you know asgreat that I love a you in an a room. You say I'm inlove with the draft. Three people get up by come coffe and say,yeah, they're in love with a draft to. You know what I mean. But anyway, you know. So. So here's the thing. So Isee this woman and, like with every all out, what do wesay? Is Alcoholics. We say, man, if I could have thatcar. I never asked great anything else. Oh, if I can have thatwoman, that man, that Blad, if I could get down to thisway. Oh, if I can do if only, if only,if only. And then you have a life of Biponis. And then youdo it and you're like one hundred percent for like three days, four daysa month. What is it? And then you're you know, I'm anasshole. How to kill myself again? You know that shit all about.You know I mean it's like drinking. It's drinking. You know, thatgap blond. It's like a bottle of Scotch with legs. You know.So in an even so, I need this girl. Score it, though. I can marry this girl. You know my life would be perfect.So I marry the Gal. I get the perfect job, I get abeautiful house in my beach on lookst, Country Club, golf course, abeautiful parents, have a beautiful child. Everything is fantastic. Six months laterI'm in the bar with a guy's drink and look at the gals of thedance floor. She's talking to you. Why don't you come home? Wantedto come home. I get home at four o'clock in the morning, alwaysbecause I'm thinking about, you know, how I want to go out and, you know, have sex with or go out one another woman, becauseshe was like, you know, like a used car. She was useI was tired of her, whatever the heck it was. I'm twenty sevenyears old and I'm thinking, I'm starting thinking that it's not her fault,it's not my fault. We just got married too young. Just got marriedtoo young, you know what I mean. And it was a mistake, that'sall. And she's still beautiful, it's still nice and everything like thatnice way. But you know, I feel untied down to it. I'mlusting after these women, you know, and everything. I never cheated onmy wife and, lets you count sitting in the bar at four o'clock,the women think about cheating and cheating, you know. And and if you, by the way, if you've ever waited for somebody else who's out,you know there's a terrible thing to put somebody through. And so, allthe way, she takes me out of the house and I get divorce andas I'm leaving the House, I'm saying I'm free, I'm free, Iwas happy left everything that's important to me, should be important, my wife,my kid, my you know, my house, everything, and I'msaying, and thank God I'm free now I can go out and date andgo out with other women, everything like that. You know, when youhave this disease, this disease which affects you sober and not sober, that'sthe way you see like you leave people and you walk away and you dothings that have no integrity and you hurt people and you're about their parts andthey have long lasting effects and you don't think you did anything wrong and yourrationalized, because you tell yourself rationalize, that makes sense. And and andyou're quite frankly, you're an asshole. You know what I mean? You'rean asshole and you feel guilty and you don't. You don't know. Youfeel guilty because you can drink. When...

...you drink, you don't feel guilty. You know that itselfs you know. Listen, I don't blame alcohol onanything I did because I heard most people, my life badly based upon selfishness,because I want to do things. I want to do cold stones Ober, and the only thing I'll call did was a help me live with mysorry as self while I was doing it. So, when you live like thatway, hurting people like that and leaving their lives and ripping their heartsout and doing stuff like that, and you somehow figure out that it's notyour fault and it was okay and there was a reason for it because youwere too young to old, who gives a shit? You know what Imean? That's because you are delusional. You are a delusional you come toalcoholics anonymous, you get Stober, sober, you're still thinking that. You startdoing four steps, a fist steps. All of a sudden you come inthe other end of that saying what an Asshole I was, what youknow, and then you start talking about a man's steps and everything like that. Also, they see the world the way the world sees the world theway God sees the world, the way it really is, and you seewho you really are, who you really are, you know you really couldbe, and you don't bullshit yourself saying, well, I wasn't that bad aperson. Right. Never hurt anybody except myself. You know, letme tell you something. Seventy years old and I'm sixty nine, like thirtynine years sober, you know, into my forty five years so, andI'm going to tell you something. I did my amends to my first lifeand I have a relationship with everybody, all that sort of stuff, becauseI did the amends. But I can tell you something. You know howit says we will not regret the past. I'm just going to tell you themand throw this out. That's not necessarily totally true because at my ageof seven years old, I look back in my life, I regret whatI did with my first life now even more now. Listen, I don'twalk around thinking about a worry about it, feeling guilty or anything like that,but when I think about what I did, I regret how I treatedthose people and I did my amends and I can talk to my from myfirst wife and we're not and I could and I have a relationship with allthose people, but trust me, I regret, and you honest, somethingI never want to I think that's a good thing for me, because Inever want to get to the point where I don't realize what I could beto other people and what I have the ability to do as far as hurtingother people because of this disease. And think about I'm basically good, butGod got good guy. My grandmother was not necessarily correct. I'm basically selfish. Any goodness I have or any decency I have now is because of myrelationship with God, because before I had a relationship with God, for Icame in here, before I started focusing on them, you know, andpraying to him, I was the guy who walked out on her, andI would have done that even if I wasn't drinking. Because I've heard alot of people, because my selfish desires, so I don't bullshit myself, andthey're thinking I'm basically a nice guy, you know, and all that sortof stuff. So it says so I'm delusional, I'm full of fear, you know, all that sort of stuff. They're talking about selfish andI'm selfish, self centered self. Certain by means like I think about myselfa lot that I got now because after third nine years, because of thedementia, I don't think at all. You know, I don't even thinkwhen I'm up here talking. I don't know what I'm saying. But thatkind of deal, that's the kind of thing that happens when do these stepsover and over and over and over and over again, and it's like,and how does that happen? It says in the big book. That's whythe God thing is so important. When Carl, when Roland hasn't, wentup to call young, they said you're going that for chronic alcoholic. I'venever been really says, is there no hope? He says here and thereonce in a while, these things changed. It's got to be a major,substantial psychic change. And this is the way he describes it. Ideas, emotions and attitudes, which is pretty much your whole personality. It's themotherboard. Ideas, emotions and add to his that are the guiding force ofthese men's lives are cast one side and they become dominant by holy said ofideas, emotions and add to in the big book talks about being reborn becomelike different people. Big, he says selfish and selfcererinness and says it.Says it's the driving forces. We're drip, we're like on automatic. We arelike if you're an not cool and you're not focused on God, you'reon automatic pilot to screw somebody open. You're on automatic pilot to somehow gothroughout the day and hurt somebody and probably also hurt yourself. You don't evenhave to think about it. You don't even have to think about automatically you'regoing to do something that you're going to that's going to be bad news lateron. It's just going to happen. You know, if you got somesort of addiction, you got the stuff going on. You know, I'mfocused on God. Automatically you're going to do some crazy shit. Now that'sjust way, and I even realize you're crazy. So that's the deal.So and an even. But that's one...

...of the things. The fourth stepdoes. It sort of bring fourth step and five step and all these thingsgoing sort of brings that into relief. So you can see that deal andthat's the thing that you bring got. That's what you have to say,because that's when you're really getting at that's when you do in the autopsy.You're really getting at the disease and find out who you are and revealing yourselfto yourself and then you know, hopefully over a period of time, changingthat deal. So that's it, that's all I have to say that.

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