AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 15 · 1 year ago

Russell S - Consequences @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Okay, thanks fthan very much wesike I want to know o want to be onside bySOM LAKOP oncrazy people over there. Myname is Russell. I'm an alcoholic remember this wwhere am I. I know that. What's my group Souttixi Group ofAltholx anonmous, I've got the mention, but don't let hut body seventy yearsold it's over for me, so try to get something together night. So it's great.We are on a sober men's cruise on the weekend and that a bunch of guys had agreat time and watch this urol and all that sort of stuff. And it's good. Imissed you guys S. it's Goin to be back withto, you guys, I'm not. This is thefourth top in this group and all these talks we court addron rocky wit,dotawor, if you missed that, but in ament. So what I try to do is you know to certain Extentes, maybe saysomething about whatever step up so Yeoi used to call them steps, and youknow like because it is like, I said, like a Honre thre twelve, you know thisis step mone, but the truth of the matter is I I don't even label thatthem that anymore. I just call them talks and because I'm all long in theplace, because haven, sorvices January twenty nineteen, eighty one and soiveBen Tol with thirty nine years or like ors, I like to refer to it. I'm goneI've een to my fortiet theear. I is, I believe, when he gets you're allowed att a certain points around et. You know what I mean, so it aen. So I've been.You know that old Groni kid think waps on wax off Axa. You know why am I doingthis and you know after you've, CEEN Practicin, this thing: Woith, the helpof life and all the bakeries of life and all the stuff that goes on and allthe resentments you get in the problems you get into in the trills andtimulations and working this thing working this thing so who to thoughtthat you just try to auntrate one day at a time and turn your life Ouvr toGod that pretty soon your o even stop being nervous. My sponsor used to say you got todevelop equonomiting, which, if you look it up, mean something like theability to be at peace and crankl. Even in the midst of chaos and Thi can becouldn', be a piece of drengful, even the misss of good things. You know, butHayos forget about it, and when I finally developed somethingcalled TAC Whenemetey, my wife assumed it was demension and h e Sha, that'strue. She actually went to the doctor Treta. He just had me tested EAN thebrain scans. Everything like that so Wen am he he pronounced. He explainedto it that it's not. I don't have it so, whatever was, maybe I don't know youknow, but just because he said just because she doesn't hear he doesn'thear what you're saying doesn't mean he has to mention that may be some sort of protectivecoleration. That he's got in some protective thing that he's Gotte aftermany years, because I've been married, I've been sover thirty, nine years andmarried thirty Nie years. So that's a good thing. So I want to I want to whatwhat I do. I do like to touch it. I on some of thes steps Si you know, I'mvery big on the God thing as Anybodyh's been here for last three times now andI like it because I central Vowan, it's the main deal throughout the entire.That's what the book is all about. Tso, all that Seali relationship with him isrightand. Great events will come to pass. Se countless others doesn't Sayd.Do a good four step in great events. Wel will pass come for you and it itsays once we make that decision that serious in her decision En God also asome remarkable things happen being all powerful. Hey'll, give you everythingyou need you stay close to. PEFORMANC works is worts. Well, it says when noon the new basis of trusted Beline, if o God, Pon God, we don't argue withpeople about God, we don't try to defend it. We just let them see it byyour actions and what it's one of you, it's all about, the God thinkthroughout the book. That's what it's about about. They have a whole chapterto anosics, says get over it whole chapter. It says if he mere CODA morals,Ave, better philosophy of life would t help you. You know you' be so ha longtime me wouldn't help us. We just don't have the power to cure the craziness.We we just don't have the power tif you're, the craziness. You know youjust don't Haut the power to make yourself good or have integrito yourlove. Other People Wor, you Shil have bat anybody, ecept Yourseleng, you justdon't have that power, so we had to find a power in ourselves. I sweetieyou feel free to come back in here. MOMMIES need to be sober. Momes Te Coulbe an alcoholic anonymous. My mom was an alcohol cheap thatnineten years so ren passed away, but I like to see moms an alhox anonymous, soin aneven, so you know then- and you know what does it say it says we wrotea book about God hat says, and it says the hackles wor Nexta Gon o stand upRhim, because on says this sort of thinkit has to be adbanned. In Godeither resere is and which e decision Ta be. It says there risonon Awis, allpower in that one is guy, does say that doesn't io no cometly that now thereis one of as all POW that oneis God that you find them now it said. Is it says you can't manage your lifeamagiway out of this? You can't be good...

...enough or try hard enough to be. NotCrazy. Crazy is just who you are it doesn't be. You don't have the power tonot be crazy. If you had the powder not be crazy? U wouldn't be only stupid,neatings, just Wan, you would avoidit these youve been just got it. You stopdrinking okay, go out there, don't stop. Goin to bean stot ton is like go out.There see how it works out, for you, you know, see, see whether you somehowbecome not crazy. Just because you're not dringing drinkings is somethingdisease aint, even the disease. You know what it says there is. It says:What's the go said, God couldn't what if we were so we got, we got to get ridof the selfishness. We must owork kills us. You aft Te Give Er the booze whichs the symptom disease. They say now. We gott get Ridt of the selfishnessbecause that's the real disease and the second step when they say we come tobelieve that I, the first tep O giver o the Beech. You know it says wearerecovering from the public state of Mino Body. I don't know your hopelessstate, miolpe state wasn't going to stop drinking, I s not that couldn'tstop drinking right and I could't I couldn't stop. You know thinking. Icouldn't stop drinking. What a Sain you help. I can't stop drinking and say Ineed to find God or I'm a bad person. I couldn't stop drinking. You know Itried to stop drinking, I couldn't stop drinking. I came Dar. I think the wicechip I stopped dranging. After a couple weeks, I stopped praing it. I stoppedobsessing over it. Drinking wasn't part of the picture. You know I meansomewhere along the line and you know I went away. I I recovered from Irecovered. I wasn't recovering. I recovered from a hopeles state of mindthat byt missing your boyfriend, there's not a hopeless state, Olinybody being broke and being worried about as not a hopeless day to mindtebody, telling yourself a Dae fucking one. When you wake up, I'm no King Trik,today, hen drinking anyway over and over again is a hopeless state, a one N,the body, I've beelcome for a holelul state of on D body. If you're in here,it's already happened for O you've recovered from a hoble stateline, thebody. Unfortunately, that's not really the problem. Becaus Nhat, you recomefrom hoplissly in minde body. Now you discover that you're crazy, which is why you drink. That's, why men,women, drink and say like me of VAT produce by alcohol, it's the bestmedicine, no woman, no man, no Ma no car, no amount of money ever work, pite,as well as just to be drinks, so it' stopped right. I stopped drinking itbecause it' stopped working and the bad Pard Im, Wyn, O Life and stop lorkingabout ten years before it's. I realized that I heard a lot of people, but Istopped drinking. Then I started discoverng that ev though I wasn'nDrakan at three o'clock the morning when I woke up with all sorts of anxiety, I was soll crazy and then itsays after the first step, which is the Bloue step. It says we come to believethat Pavratin ourselvesselves will restore us to sanity, which means thatyou're insane, they don't say this. They imply it you. You really have verysmart to understand this. You know someo. I know you guys are pretty thisthing out. You can only be restored to seny if you're nuts, if you're alreadysaying you, don't need to be restored the SAVT. So what happens? Is We comein here we're insane, but we don't know we're insane and the kind of En Sadtatwe have they label it. As you can label anywot you want, but later on the bookthey sort of give you peaks in the insaid. You know the first step indgetting out JAILG, you Gott know you're in genl in the first place. Ultimately,you realize that you have an alcohol problem. You know when somebody firstcrings up to you SA quit whetever. I want you know Scot Yourself, init andthen, after a while, you start thinking o know. Maybe I should stop drinking orsomething like that. But then you finally come to the point. If you getto the first step, is you realize you need help and you can't stop drinking?Your live. Son Hat is wont. You realize you have an Otchol problem, so youfocus on the alcohol prably coming to ere and and somehow you stop drinkingand but but what you don't realize is,although that is the symptom of the problem, it becomes a very big problem.When your life becomes a bottle after you get rid of the bottle, then youwill find out that that's not really the alcoholism that the real diseasecenters in your mind than not your body and and looking you guys, you all haveminds. So you all have the disease or, as Carl Young said, Rolin Hazard afterhe got rid of the Disey the drinking after six or eight months and said now,knowing the inner words of my mind, drinking is just impossible. So it'snevertheless he was tryng a few weeks. So it goes back to Dr Young, the graterpsychiatrist. At that time, nineteen hundreds, an th, Roali nineteenhundredncen. He Says Tho Dat Young. He says iave been so rabing on youtreatment. I've been into treatment center for like a year or six months orwhatever it is, and I thought I really understood everything, and then I starthome for home and two weeks later, on truck as as cod, and I can't stopdrinking. What's wrongme and Dr Young says to him something that was the case then and isstill the case now he said you have the mind of a chronic alcoholic. I have nethis the greatest sychism. I have never been successful where the state fmine exists, such asin you, and this is a A. I know, it's supposedly on know what it's an open,meening or some on the covernment, there's, probably any alcoholics inhere.

Well, you know if Doctor Young woulderwas here, you would say: Theyou ofth, minden, Broa, Abol, i'v, never beensuccessful, avbod like you and they just haven't, invented a pill yet andthat's what psychicast do now? They don't really treat. They just give me apill. I haven't Avent Tet pill, yet that is going to give you integerity orhaving really shit about anybody except yourself so which is by the way whatultimately agg a son exxplains the disease, the desese disease, an plansto disease in many ways, but the one I'm going to talk about tonight is whenthey defineit in selfishness. They say: That's the basis, that's the that's!The moodin of Oud trouble selfishness, but that doesn't really much mean muchto an alcoholic. It really doesn't didn't mean that much to me they say alot of words in a that sound good and I like unthe reason, read and thennonconfrontational, but well, for instance. Second Stuf, as I said, is wehaven't whose thing is very nonconpitential, came to believe that aPowermann ourselves could restore us, the Sanimy, which is your fucking,crazy, but focin, sure that you know or something like that. Os want to be meanabout it. But in the old days before you know, before I nibefore onethousand nine hnered and thirty nine, there were no bones about. They get Oon your knees, and you know, you'd have to you know, swear your belief in Godand give your life to God and Ats Doctor Bob said to Clarence Sneider, ifyou believe in God- and he said what his hat do with, he says everythingthey weren't ashamed of it. They weren't a worried about. You had O Mak,you had ta got Ta Profess your belief in gun that God can help you, butnowadays you know is more and more people come in and ther their less. Youknow therer. You know I came in on my knees. It didn't really matter. I wasmy whole life was about sex women, rock and roll money,and my Bible was Playboy magazine and you know that was the whole deal and and if I didn't get I got I got crushed,you know it says the way we got ta do perspectives, humilations Mo questionof ourselves, Bun I got crushed. I came down on my knees before I gave my lifeto Lord N, and I give my wife to Lord. Before Icame to December twenty one tousand, nine hundred and eighty one onethousand nine hundred and eighty three flock morning got down here in e lifeof Jesus and I'm a Jewish kid n New York. So I gives you an idea, you knowwhat I mean, how bad it was for tme Ou tesper. I was you know he some Bot cameon TV and I was just lucky. The Christians didn't show up. I ge down it.The airport mote t amper with the tammaring. You know what I mean, but but that's the deal, that's how I cameday I was willing to do. I was I was willing to go to Anny Lane. I was woing. I wasn't one of these guysthat stood recornand would not say the Lord's prayer because, Hey I think,Jesus said that or so I was not one of those guys I was. I was one of thoseguys. Wyou told me to do something you were in my sponsor. When I trust I getit theyre making a little argument here there, but I was like ready. I did notwant to drink, so I was fortunate, I'm not patting myself on the back. I wasfortunate. You know to come into her and not be sure n sort of hatditioningthis place, and I know I like this, but I don't like that or maybe Thi Sut,maybe that you know you may ultimately get it ut you're just going to get intoa little problem before you do, because you Gan to start trying to take overand manage your recovery and all that sort of stuff. But I surrendered youknow that was my deal so so I can only talk about my Lon. You know when youcome up here and somebody says: Tell Your testimal, your experene trength anoh. You know, you know, there's a tendency that you're n alcohol, becauseone of the problems with alcohol, it's one of the problem. One of the one ofthe parts of the disease which you learn as time goes on is the fact that you, you spend a lotof time, worrying about how you look to other people when they acception whenthey like their enfect that' sin real important alcoholics and it's very hardto understand how deeprot that is, that fear of other people's judgment, especially when you spend your wholelife telling you you tellng yourself, you Lon Yor Shit with other people,think about Ou, you know and so n. When you spend your whole life brainwashingyourself and the Beleving, you don't give a shoit whenh other people thinkabout you and the reason you say that is so is BTO trying to convinceyourself that you don't give a shit when other people think about yourself,you it's you get confused so, but in ais the layers get ripped off andeverything Yeu realize Hel scared. You are how much fear you have and, as Isaid, the first step and deal with the disease is knowing youv got a diseasein the first place, and sometimes these words have be define not only the bigbook, but they have to be defined by experience, because sometimes you justdon't pay attention to the disease until it Hitcou three o'clock themorning and you think the life is over and it's neve going to get better.Again I mean sometimes you don't pay attention to the booze until your lifeis destroyed, an imagmal. Sometimes you don't pay attention to the lust untilyou'R. Your marriage is glown up and you're in jail for Chil Penardif, yourson Som some. Sometimes you don't pay attention to the gree until yourbankrupt and take way all your credit cards, because you spend more moneythan you make and you're almost spending money, youown Hatbine Shit,you don't mean to impress Titl, you...

...don't like and you're always bi.Sometimes you don't pay attention to what the real problem is, but otherwisereal problemni. You have bad things happening to was on God,thin dradity. It don't give you a just: Don't pay any attention, so you got Oso thi surrender thing like surrender. The Moods rendered is lust srunon, thegreeties Surrentedto, the price renderd. All that stuff happens over period oftime doesn't happen all at once of one day you know and and that's the fun ofstayings Sover for twenty thirty years. You get it Ben that of you by life,because we continue with the old way of thinking those old ideas. What happensif you don't get rid of thim? The result is what yeah? No, I know youthink it's. If you do it. Fifty percent of its always thit say if Youwe feellike I do a fift percent time I'll get fit. Ou Sain, none o result. Tis Noll,like you look Lik, you got to like go absolutely, but how can you lekgoabsolutely, but you don't even know what the Fuck irs supposed to let go.You know W at mean. How can you deal with your selfishness?That's I that's throug how you doing your selfishness when, honestly, youjust don't believe yourself ish. How do you deal? How do you deal withthe fact that you're, an alcohol and you can't stop drinking? You havedrinkin problem when you don't think you have a drinking brob? Well, youdon't deal with and you don't get thatter. How do you deal withselfishness which my sponsor you want to be trying understood? So it says sumte Selfsemdeniss Tim, a hundred fons of fear, something Los himselve seeking westep on tother Rothers, they retaliate. He said well what that names Ross Tis,you don't give a shit about anybody, ecept yourself and, of course, that only goes on. Youknow, maybe for the first fifteen twenty years or something like that,and I'm not even saying hat goes away completely or something like that. Buthow do you deal with that when you actually think you're, basically a goodperson, you know my grandmo used to say Russell you're, basically, a good boy,I'm not quite sure what that means: data down inside there's a goodnesssomewhere in very somewhere in there. Well, of course, that's what fourth INSand step in life is all that these things are really revealed in theproblems in the trials. That's why in Pont the change there were three bucks.If you read Docabom Im it all commany, do a little history, now incom good old timers, a startuin inone thousand, nine hundred and thirty five. That's when got t botomy bill will sond.They were people. Stick People Staing, sover, based BONL, what they doing anone thousand nine hundre andthirty nine. They wrote about gold out bols an onis.Our felshop gets a name from e book in Ninetin, thirty, nine bee T oe thousandnine hundred and Tirty Fie, one thousand nine hundred and thirty nineabout four hundred people got sober that not hundred people. I'm sorry,that's why, in the boat in the Ford Book says, we are over one hundred menand women who have recovered from a holysstate, O Mye Bo Har to bi,recovered, doing the AA proe doing a program, doing something they recoverand in the big Bok. This is what they said. They say rarely have we seen aperson fail. Who has thoroughly followe our hat t? In other words, you do whatwe did you'll get, what we got now. Listen me: they were't working, theyweren't. Reading the Big woman. You understand, youall understand that big book was R. One thousand ninehundred and thirty nine in the big movie e Said Ramly. How was seee poundfirst o family was thoroughly followed. Our Path, bew e ousand, nine Hunde,ndthirty, five minue thrir night. They were't reading the Big One. Please tellme understand that hand te Bringan, they were doingsomething else and other words you do what they did. You'll get, what theygot and what they got was they got rocketed into the fourth dimension ofexistence which TDID not in dream. They experience much of Hevinde and they hadsomething happen and called the great fact. They said this and nothing less,which I think means it's this and nothing less. It says it says they have.Their entire life was focused. The most important thing to no one thing intheir life was the great aspect and idea of their life was to turn theirlife hoveinto their creator, God the capial say they were absolutely certain.They were absolutely certain that God existed, that God existed and lived intheir hearts and lines. He was doing for them what they can't do forthemselves, and that thing goes all through book and the entire Bookinwe,the entireon from the first step to last that from everything it's allabout, turning you towards God and making God the number one things youlife, there's not a page that doesn't have to do with it: Job and no job, wife or no wife, but noman say o can be covered without you know, without getting those thingsbackball in ees this relationship with JOD there is one wha as all power thatwas gone. I mean everything in the big book is about God. You know it's IIAN,just every page is about God. So you it's not about the perfect fort thatnobody's GOINTA. Do The roll the perfect fifth that it's not about thePerfo missor that you go through every step in the world if, at the end of allthe steps and five years sopritay and ten years, O Vriety your a guy you'refocusing on the blonde in the Front Rom...

...instead of your Creator, youlike to BYouenough to be here long, that's just a fact: Ta Lik and you'renot going to be able to stay married. An I g have a decent relationship and even if you maage to stay sober,the only thing you're Goinna be thinking about is a fon the Front Ropbecause that' your God, an the only thing I thinkg about ismoney that you're God. You know, that's the bottom line,that's what the book is all about and believe me, many of Cam. If fou arechosen, there's sobriety and then there's emotional sobriety. The booktalks about in the SINSTEP, the STEF that separates the men from the boys, the men from the boys or the women fromthe girls I suppose, and when it Hauk it Sesitto, be heated for a lifetime.That stuff is repeated for a lifetime, the efforts to do that and the man orthe man. I suppose the women are those people who are repeatently tohout theirentire life, trying to grow the image in liketes of their creator, it theirdeas again te creat, that's the deal. So if you want to turn your life onwetyour brator and if God will give you everything you need as long you, U stay close to Intepeformers work well, it'd be good to know who he is. No, you cund say God is o tree, but youknow I don't know what to. I don't know what op Tran wants. You could say, God is you know a Bush,but I don't know what to push wants. You said, God is a Oor, not I'm notsure what a doorknot wants. It's pretty good! I guess what what your God andyour understanding is going to want from you what you're going to need, ifYo, if you, if you're confused bout who God is and what God is, and everythinglike that which is normal for most people n, have a hard time figuring out.What he wants, so what you're going to end up doing iswhat you're Goin to d do doing if you're going to try to think about whenyou think God wants, and if you don't know what God wants, and you just dowhat you think God wants. The funny thing is going to happen to you. You'Eveto, Stark Realizin, that in your life, God wants things, want you to dothings that, basically you want to do already you're going to be your God. You'REgonna be sponsoring yourself. You can end up doing what you want to do,because you think it's smart, because you got Ta Bring e storm because yougot an idea and you' not gon, be following the Godor a higherpowering thing. You're going to be the higher power Youl befollowing your own thinking was, it makes sense, and then one day you gowind up drinking again, a drugin again ormisical, trying to figure out. What's going on thinking you folloin the aprogram. The a program is just a program to help you get to the pointwhere you find, God have a relationship with God. Not that there's some God inthe sky or something like that. Even talks abount the seven step- it say-Youe Goan even say you believe in God, but your belief, remakes Baren, becausehe's not part of your life. You don't make the CIZONS based uponhim. You don't focus on him, so I'm going to get away from that. Fora second Ess, I want to sort ot through a little for step stuff, but you know,as far as I don't teach anymore, I used to teach. You know talk about how youdo divorce. That there's no need for me to do that. There's a lot of goodpeople, hat takl you how to do that. I personally believe ywo. Do it the wayit's done the big book. They have a chart. It's for list. You know. Misterpesentments was the fears Lat's the faults, wits the setual deals and youknow n things. You've done wrong. It's a listen, O the big book. You can readit you can you can look it over! I'm not going to talk about that. I want totalk about the reasons. The reasons why I want to sort of oocome the reasons tothe God thing, and you know what happens is the Wan is like withanything you know when I'm a lawyer when I first started out with a lawdeal you know wanted to be. You know w a Wialways want to be in frivl wher. As of all the TV shows and stuff. You know Iwanted to be like whatever on the TV show E. I want always want to be femon.That's what s all wer was, I think, itwas a guy drow up contract, nothingwrong with that, but so I started off fom the day county states attorney, soop, son, Iwas approswete came to vison chief, doing major crimes nd and that'swhat I've been doing all my life. But when I first started, I want to namethe Lords. What I would do is if there e, when there were reallyseasons, experience Gies, you know, there's the old same with a man with heexperience. It's a man with money. The man with experience will walk away withthe money and the man when the money will walk away with an experience so ht.Well, I used to play tennis. You know I was never really good, but I mean gotpretty good, but but what happened is Maamatr deal, but what happened is Inoticed that I always got really much better when I was playing somethingbetter than me. You know I mean and when I was playing something betterthan me, it' Soforcewe t play better. So what I would do is, I would go downand I would watch the season. The old time, lawers GIV cloting arguments,open statements. I would watch trials. I would watch that stuff and I would goagainst those guys and you know, as I ta shot in time, man shockhis man ndand that's what happens so in Owpals, Anamis, ind, te sense, it', sort ofwe're the same thing. That's what says in what we have and it will ' go t anyline. Togetr. Then your Raht taketure of steps, some people comein here backin the old days they sort of weidered...

...thim out right from the beginning,because they tell you get down on your knees and give your life to God, and they did allthat stuff and I'm not gonnago through it. I think I rid some stuff fromthat's what they used to do. Thirty, five, two thirty nine and you know theguys that you hear in the rooms. You know the guys a you hear the roomsthese days, that things weren't that bad you know and they had a bad batchof ice or something whatever it is, and they say things like well, I fe my God.I wouldn't want ot of Ro. You know they weded those guys out right away becausethey weren't going to get down I their kneeds, but they had large groups ofpeople who wanted they were desperate, so they got down to their knees andthey did that thing. So in any event,definetely did in the old. But but nowadays what happens is we got peoplecoming here and they're ready? My Guy came in here ready, you knownothing, nothing, I'm not taking any credit for that. You know I'm justgrateful for I came here. I drank my spot Sei. Never Ri rob in ALCCOLC wasdesperation Neveromma, his last DRENK. You know somebody says to me: sponsorysays to me: You know I'm going to drink. You know I'll try to talk to him alittle bit, but he says no, don't think I'm o a'l, so hey ha'me a good time.Well, I'm drinking! I don't think, there's anything wrong with drinking. Ithink I think hat I'm radsy a guy dranking. I mean theword. I'l have an alcohol. I be Drak since we'll die. Really I mean it's not as IFFR real badas common os dird. It's not a big deal and God on the sad part, is he mighttake a family, an four with them, but the bottom lines: Bun Ocol, O themdrank, he's Gon, Ta Drink. You Ain't going to stop you don't babysit him oranything like that. Some people, you know just need Tho Drink Su. Listen.Alcohol is the greatest thing that we have going for us. The only reasonyou're here is because of alcohol Yo only EA, your stayin yeares, becausealcohol- If you don't do this great program, if you don't go this program,we don't have any a lease. We call in the Scotch and it clears out thefucking fiel it just it. Just comes thromgh like a selfflaing of it andwite some Oll Loutan they come back a is oh I'm back again this time, I'm really going to do afort step. You know I'm back in treatment again, you knowpythetic Gullshit, you know what I mean. I'm sorry, I'm not that Welyou. So many people spons to me, you knowalcoholics alcohols. You know. Sometimes I need Pattin on the back andlove, but sometimes you know we just need to Kickin the as and jailtime n.So Yo get ogainst our attention. You know you know Wat Sei if you tri to love to to convince an alcoholic todo what you want them to do. It won't be long until you're, an Aleon, and let me tell you my lifes and Allunon our late O professioal revenge. I've been downon comvetions guys. You wantto do anything to Witha, you not a trustin right now and you don't want togo toam. The last thing you want to do is wi you youself in a position wereingalcoholics driving you crazy, O noimeabecause. They don't really give ashit. You know an they're not going to change. You know and you can argue intothe hit tenyou Dar with themr hours. You want to be in a position when youcan say to an alcohol because you love Them Listenin Min. You need to go outand drink, not because you Hane Pubi coach, youlove Hem, you know and not feel guilty. If theydo- and I know the some old time of sayingto as Pol Shit Wel I'll, take you someting thirty ton. Yes, I pont tohelp a lot of people and I can't tell yo how many peopleactually get this thing. WHEL, you don't reat us. They just love to arguewit, you they love the attention. They look negative itentially like sixyearold abots on six year olds. They just want Tou pay attention to it. Youknow nothing will get you an alcohol, more attention than Saandel group. Iwant to drink. I eamed the entire drakof group of folcusike yeah, it'sgood to his hernes ten, where it happens fifteen times over a period often years. You Know Lik Fifty Times over. He some point in time. They gotto realize that you know theyre the group's not going to say n. They biditthey better do something they better grow up. You know take responsibility for theirown surprit, but I digress. I do but anyway, so here's he deal. There's a book called talked Aboub. Hegood old, timers and Drbot Gol Times. I talked about tha time, t e for thefirst four years, and it says that the books that they found absolutelyessential. We tried to figure out what they did. What they thoroughly did,what they did in the first. You Know Sa Really o'sean partreal is thoroughlyGare Ho said the books. They found absolutely essential, that's the actualword. They use absolutely essential. You know do what we did absolutelythese, which are absolutely essential. Essential means assention, absolutely essential means unfreaking,believable essenxual. You know what I mean and now you aave to read thesebooks. You know I mean I love Contemi doinvestiation, you can use ANYEC, but...

...that's what the book says was: FIRSTFIT H S, thirteen o Bot e James and sermon on the Mountai. Those are threebooks that they use. That's Whar. They used an alcoholics anonymous. They cameout of the Axo Movend, that's whe used the block and I wrete to some stuff last weekfrom commes Approt, the material. But that's the using the book at James Isthe book that says the First Chap says: Rejoice when you have crild and a lotof the obscription is within the big Bobe. You would know it's in Ha bigbook unless you studyd Scripeship, you understand when I was fifteen yearsover, I started going as part of rolling in my relationship with God,because apparently we have this eleven stedet says he got improved yourconscious contact Av. You ever see that you had a proop agon, just condact.That means, if you have tromendous conscious congract to nine years, you gotto improve it. It means if you got thirty nine years,like I got thirty nine years or whatever hell I got, you know it meansno matter what my relationship his got. I got an on proven because that's whatthe stuff says I was constantly improve because the nature of my disease, it'slike paying tennis, I'm playing tennis for my disease. It's always going to T.I got to be stronger than myees. My My let me tell you something: wife isdifficult Shit, even when you stop screwing onyourself, even when you stop suffering the consequences of your own action,even when you're doing it right, lifeonlinesin an people will die,people get ancer stuff will happen. Okay, terrible stuffill happen like asOnfi life is not necessarily fair, children will die and no stuff willhappen, and you know the bottom line is. I got to constantly keep on touch ith,the top of myself, because I cannot be, I cannot be diverted by worldly flamers. I've got to have that equanimity thatthe possiball said T I've learned to be content in all things. My My surbribe, my emotional surprise,how I feel about myself. The Joy I have within me cannot detend not and notdepend upon my Checkla or how much money I have in the back.It cannot. It cannot depend upon my wife's mood. Oh my God, I can't dependupon that. I'm the only person that has all ourkids ik AV, four kid, seven grandkids they're all done just me, my wife andthe three dogs and the dogs are small. You know I'm the biggest thing in thehouse. You know my wife wakes up. I get slamed, you know what I mean. I gotslammd for something there isn't enough. I could do if I go to the store and Ibuy fifteen million things and I walk in. She says the you didn't get this. I I'm not going toget a thank you trustming, I'm not going to say all great sover warriing.Thank you for getting or his stuff it ain't going to happen. Okay, my Im my supriety and how I feel myselfcan depend upon with my wife. Is Nice an not nice? You know I use Tan SOMP IRthirty nine yearsually get solkering. You stop worrying about. You know youcan just pray for it. You know. She's got wife and she's got Ta, live on thisplanet to and she's got her on deal and, if God says she's an Alanon. So what doyou expected? ISHES? Well, you know so that's herdeal, you know, but an even, but that's the way I've got to be at work. That'sWheye! I've got to be with judges, clients with everything they're all outthere attacking you with TV whatever in this world. I cannot allow this world to get inside of me and I'll. Tell youif you're focusing on the the women, the men the Romance Thelipsteck,whatever it hell, it is the cars and your dead chicken and when you think of it, wheneveryou're, nervous and Winderbel ilanes and with you feel crappy, anybody herefeel prapialitye's, nervous and valum her about anxiety, you're, always saing.You men that Shit, orn'Ou, you're, always thinkng about that shit. Aren'tyou you're thinking about the Molt Shin in this world, the shiny things in thisworld, you putting your trust in that stuff.You worry about what Amote me get this. When am, I got your nip only or in yesbutter and why cant I have this and what happens if e lose that and whatare they going to think about? May noti Ou, Lito people think about me and allthat sort of stuff, just rouding through your brain and not to mention the stuff. When youthink about yourself, when you Cuti yourself down ECAS, this alcohlism isall about standing, the shower and all of sudden here in this voice, sayingyoure an assole you ant to kill yourself. Where does that come from come from you?It's your repetation of doing you S, Shit you're, UNWORTHY! You don'tdeserve to live. Okay, you can stop the drink, ing. How you going to stop theUNWORTHI UP, don't deserve to live your piece of Shit and nothing's, going tomake you better how you gon to stop that Tion you've been doing that everysince you Wen two years old, can't stop that Sa Canyon. Wo! Is Youso? What do you now? You Sartd, you start texting somebody watching born orwhatever the hell you do to make it go away, so you don't have to think aboutit, but there I't enough shit. You can do there ain't enough Crak! You can getinvolved in all the time. You know where you don't have a spot. Wheresomehow get some of your Brinn Mussli...

Cu yourself cas your piece of Shit Ow,you n! Do that! What is that? That's alcoholism? You don't know what tsetsabout thes Selfpecentiv Thats Tis it. So unless en it', Alan Alcohol canseptsis alcoholism, an olvs consequences, al its consequences is subbribing forpares and N. True Happiness of fun at all. How many people likht truehappiness, Righande one to happens, isyou, know alcoholi they'r, so scared,you'R, scared to rate your hand, Areu a scared to raise your hand just gare towhat people think about you. If you raise your hand, you don't even knowyou're scared about what people I say. How Ma I say how many fuckingpeople want to be happy. Two guys raise their hand, Fuckin unbelievable. Idon't even notic see. This is the point. If I was in a group of regular people,I said how many people want to be having they whoa they on Bhow man. Howone O you Hav wait a second. Do I really want toraise my hand a that so uncool, you know what I mean walmost Shou thinkabout me said next. What will he think about me? You know, and you don't evenknow, you're doing that deal. It's so automatic worrying about what otherpeople think about you. You know it's crazy. That's okayeo knowhow that feels. I know I feels te Sittin class whenthe judge says judges.The teacher says anybody have the answer and you have the answer, but youdebating wit the resentis. What, if you're wrong, anyou bave a question youdon't want to reach Han would have been stupid, but you now you know, say Iwould'T. I would have run Forti Seeobu, you Nowldo vote to me. I know it. Itslikei be worried about OIT, so in ament, so so in anyamand. So we got this bookof change and all sort of stuff and one of the things that says in the book ofJames. It says: Yjoye wil have trial so many kinds, because if you persoeyour thin trialsand you focus on tog your faithal Bro and Matureyo as an individual, anyou'll be able to handle trils an tibulations and so the things that we complainabout the worst which of the trils of tribulations. Those are the things thatactually make us grow your Amia because a trial ontripulations, because you humanly use the things that man you brow. You knowwhen you get comfortable, you rest on your Laurel. You don't do stuff. Yousay I don't want to listen to this crap Wut. Your life is okay. As soon as youstart drinking again or something bad happens, you run back Taa all of asudden, you're interested. I what Youe like to say, you know: That's, that'sthat's the trials tripin down. This is the same sortof scriptures in the Tweleand twelve. It says the way that they say: Theto, Twele and twelve. You wouldknow this unless you, you know we're stup the BOBLEM, because around nine orten years I just started going to church and I started reading the Bibleand stuff like that, and you know because wet you know:whare, not the big boking, Courgou church membership, so somebody'shappening on the show. When I had nine years and ten years Seid have you everdid thebiva study, N, of course I said to then I don't go the Bible, stay of Jewishcip in New York and Blah Blah Blah and the say I give wall these excusesbecause because you know why I said that even though they were reading the BetteBote of the big bulking Tho, I know all that a a lot o stuff getting back andI'd already give my life. You know why I said that, for the same reason youschede rate your hand. I was worried about what other peopleTheno I was. I was worried, whet they think about me, N Aa. You know unetheir spiritual, nob, religios and all th sor of stuff. I guess I misse thatpart of t big book. What says we encourage church membership, an theywre all members of church, an like that. I miss that part. You know, but thenwhat happened to me is around nine or ten years I grown emotionally andspiritually to the point where I realize that- and this is exactly whathappened because I remember saying this to myself: I realize that not doing something based upon fear ofwhat other people woul think about me was stupid and was alcoholic. You know you know I'm an alcoholic. Inother words, the first thing I think about is: might this help me? Mightthis help my family? You know I mean if the answer is yes, this might help me.Yes, it's worth investigating. Yes, you know without Chentepting MI help myfamily might ot that I'll. Then most people do it, but as analcoholic, the way, I think is, might this help me? Might this help my family?What will other people think if there's one guy whol laugh and they forget itsTuman Ida? You know what I mean, because I because I have feared that'swhy it says in the promises: You'll lose fear of people and of economicansecurity. If you're not hol- and you don't think you have fear of people,it's because you are not well enough to realize how scared you are a people soyou're in denial, because I know you're scared of people, because one thing Iunderstand on ot, the old Idet was on unique and nobody's. Like me, the newidea haven't been in am long time as we're all twins. That's why it works.That's why io get up here and talk about anything I just talkd about.What's on my mind, you know women, man,...

...black Wittat, Wan, all you're. Talkingabout me because we're all the same you know to Servin stand fat skin. Itdoesn't really matter. You know we're all the sen to the bottom line is if,in the big book they're saying you're going to lose fo your people n economicind security. It's because they know that you're scared of people in theirjudgment and ementoomic insecurity, and that's why it's a promise, becauseyou're going to lose that Yourt Sike, how Gi lose a don't worried about thatshit. All my life, not that give Yot what other people think about mee.That's why you worry about what car you drive and how you love them e dress.You have and allthat sort of stuff and all that deal you know whatever it is.So I on even I so so n in the big book. It says itdoesn't say the Traum Tirmolet says the way we get a new perspective is byrepeated umiliations and the final qustion of ourselve sufficiency. Theway we see things diver lease by the Crushn is without the crush. You knowit's the prushing that has hus pay attention to look and say why, and now,if you're, an alcoholic and you're not in recovering and you're crushed, as often happens,what you do is you do what I do you feel sorry for yourself or you blame other people. You knowthat's the onl way of thinking you say: You're upset and Youre crushed and yourlife is over because she's, an assole or my voice of the jerk or this is likeand everything. That's that's the deal in a whenever you tan AA, Thi, spisualAcim just want to be Disturbe, no matter what the cost there's somethingwrong with you with you. No such thing as justifibe angerthere's something wrong with you. Why does a body when your whole life hasbeen spent being matded on the people and blaming other people for everythingin this world? That's happened and saying if they would noen change, ifthis will only change when that's what the way you thout twenty thirty fortyyears, that doesn't stop. When you stop drinking, you had that Tisime! You hadthat before you Dran, it was going strong. You had that during thedrinking that's going to go on for a good ten fifteen twenty years after youstop drinking very hard to reverse that deal and that's the true alcoholism, sothe so first inten thirteen RAHT SOT o deal.Let me just see this thing. First, gring tens. Thirteen! This things were going on for a longtime. This this deal we're talking about just Gonno leat. One part of this note.You will ever hear this but gain anyway. So let me see whaer I can find it so ssh. Do this stuf forget. I should tell you, go read ityourself. If you will, if you will, but I don't know where it is Ldo it this way. So here's here it is. Here's Ou is onepart, a small part about three or four lines: okay, firt Quinta, thirteen, three or four lines at the end. You know I like this part. I like thispartfise. It fits in with alcoholics, I'm te wife, its O, that Bons, but Ilove it. It's so so much about alkees. When I was a child, I talked like achild. I thought, like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became aman, I put the ways of childhood behind me. I allo like that. You know most people think ais aboutnot draking. I think it's about growing up and becoming a man ord, a woman, stop being a baby. I sponsor sixty fiveyear old teenagers, they're more interested in biagorerthan God ss Christmas thetic. For now we see only a reflection as anAmera, then we shall see face to face now. I know in part, then I shall knowfully, even as I am fully known and now these three remain faith, hope and love,but the greatest of these is love. Now, that's what Ey wer studying back one thousand nine hundred anthirty five, thirty, six, thirty seven about revealing themselves tothemselves and having God reveal you know who they were and what they wereand what the real problem was. I mean you ever said you ever saidyourself. Well, I used to use the FT word. Idon't suggest it it's good, but this Wai just talk t myself what the fuck iswrong with me. You probably said different. Youprobably use the FWORD. You can see you guys are good alcohols. Nice Atchol,you probably said what perhaps could possibly on well. This is whay. You find them whenthe Hell is wrong with you. So here's ISO, let's talk about consequences, I'mjust goinna go O is real. I get five...

...minutes I'mg to do this in five minutes.I'm just going this briefly. So what is what are the consequences of being analcoholic everything about that? One of the conscuentsof being alcoholic, solet's just go over a few things. Okay, it says it says that if you're not polk,the mood is self retestend Selfsen. Is that what it says now this isn't fromme? Don't blame me, you know what I mean this. Is You know you don't if youdisaglee with this you're, not to scream with me. I won't thank a person,you're Disagreeiin, with the big book, our basic text, okay, which we allagree with. It says your one of the consequences says the root of ourproblems is selfishness and selfsentimence. You ever see that youever hear that. So what does that mean? Well, my spons says: is you don't givea shit about everybody except yourself, which is true wel? It says Lis saysdriven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion and selfsentines. Delusionitself Self Fear Number One a consequence of beting alcoholic isyou're scared, you're scared. You know, you know you come up to me and you tellme you're, not scared just means you're stupid. So, okay, you're scared, yous car,Shites, okay, you W, you think it's fun living a life or fear worried aboutshit all the time. What's GOINTA happen to me. What happened me? What did I saywhat I do what's gonna Happen. You know atokay how about delusion. So a hundredforms of fear delusion. You know what delusion is delusion is you're, notging, scared. You have no idea when the whip is going on Tis. It means that youthink the world looks like this and the world doesn't look like anything likethis delusion and I don't have time to tell the story, but I'll do a fast delusion is when you say to yourself that if I had, if I married this womanor this man or whatever it is whatever gender you are or whatever they'redoing these days with Judgen married somebody jus skip uponymous ion her e. You know as great I love it. You Inan a room. You say I'm in lovewith a draft three people get up by cup COP and say yeah they're in love with adraft on Butyou know, so so here's oething. So Isee this woman and like with Everyingi all ou. What do we say is how Bax wesai man if I coul have that car. I never ask for anything else. Oh if Icould Hav that woman that man that black, if I could get down to this way,if I can, if only if only a folme and then you you have a life on te Fomlynsod, then you do it and you're like one hundred percent for like three days for as a month. What is itand then you're? You know I'm Gonta Asolo to kill myself again you knowit's,like drinking train. You know that go blong! It's like a bottle Scotch Wilege, you know, so he even finding this girl Gordous, though I canmarry this girl. You know my life would be perfect, so I married again I get the perfect job. I get abeautiful house on my beach on Magos Country Club, golf course, andbeautiful parents have a beautiful child. Everything is fantastic. Sixmonths later, I'm in the bar with a guys drankand look at the gals on thedance floor. She's talking to me, why don't you comea want to come home? I'm Gan Ho it for love the morning, always because I'mthinking about you know how I want to go out and you know have sex with orGooub with another woman, because she was like you know like he used Carshoshoes. I was tired, member, whatever the heck, it was I'm twenty seven yearsold and I'm thinking I'm starting thinking that it's not her fault. It's not my fault.We just got married too young just got married too young. You knowwhat I mean and it was a mistake. That's all and she's still beautifuland still nice and I m like that Nice Bite, but you know I feel ing tied downof I'm losting ater these women. You know and everything I never cheated onmy wife anless. You Count Sitin in the Bar, an four o'clock and whon thinkabout cheating, cheating, you know and and if you, by the way, if you've everwaited for somebody else, who's out, you know there's a terrible thing o,but somebody El Andsoultm, shecates me out of the house, and I get the more soSombo House, I'm saying I'm Afree, I'm Afrein, I was happy left everything.That's important. o Me should be important. My wife, my kid Mik. Youknow my house, everything and I'm saying man. Thank God, I'm free now Ican go out and Dave and go out withother women. Everything like that. You know when you have this disease wisdisease, which affects you, sober and not sober, that's the way you see likeyou leave people and you walk away and you do things that have no integrityand you hurt people in Rebelta parts and they have long less than effects,and you don't think you ded anything wrong and you'R rationalized or put youTel, your self rrational lizes that makes sense and and Youin, quitefrankly, you're an assehole. You know what I mean: You're an Ashomeand you feel guilty and you don't you...

...don't know you feel guilty because youcan drink when you drink, you don't feel guilty. You know that insulvs, youknow. Listen, I don't blame alcohol on anything. I I because I heard mostpeople my life badly based on selfishness, because I want to dothings. I want to do cold, stone, solver and the only thing I calt ID wasa help. Me Live in my sorry assself while I was doing it so when you livelike that way, hurting people like that and leaving their lives and rippingtheir harts out and doing stuff like that, and you somehow figure out andit's not your fault and it was okay and it was a reason for it because you weretoo young to old who gives a shit. You know what I mean. That's, because you are delusional your delusion. You Come Down Post Olmas, you get th,stower, sober you're, still thinking that you start doing four steps andfiss steps. All of a sudden. You come with the other. To that saying what Iasshole, I was what you know, and then you starttalking about amen, steps and everything like that and also tin, seethe world the way the world sees the world the way God sees the world theway it really is, and you see who you really are, who you really are you knowyou really condvey and you don't bullshit yourself saying well, wasn'tthat bad a person righ never hurt anybody except myself. You know, let me take some seven yearsold and I'm sixty nine LIK thirty nine years Ober, you know into my fortyeight years so and I'm going to tell you something Idid my Amens fo my first life and I have a relationship with everybody allthat sort of stuff, because t ey did the emens, but I can tell you something:You know how it says we will not Rwet in the past, I'm just Gonta Tel you o'man to. Is that that's not necessarily totally true, because at my age ofseven years old, when I look back in my life, I regret what I did with my first life.Now, even more now listen, I don't walkaround thinking about and Worri about and feeling guilty or anything likethat, and when I think about what I did, I regret how I treated those people andI did my amen and I could talk to my friend my first wife and we're not GEand I can tal it. I have a relation with all those people, but trust Iregret, and you want to something I never want to. I think that's a goodthing for me, because I never want to get to the point where I don't realize what I could be to other people andwhat I have the ability to do as far as hurting other people because of thisdisease and thinkg about I'm basically good at te guy that good guy, mygrandmother was not necessarily correct. I'm basically selfish any goodness I have anytingtensa havenow is semetber like Shi Wi God, because before I had a relationshipwith God before I came in here before I started focusing on him, you know anpraying to him. I was got to walk down on her and Iwould have done that, even if I wasn't drinking, because I've heard a lot ofpeople cause of my selfish desires. So I don't pulshit myself and beenthinking, I'm basically a nice guy. You know and all that sort of stuff, so itsays so I'm vellusional I'm full of fear. You know all that sort of stuffthey'r talking about selfish and I'm selfish, selfcentered Selsar, but meanslike I think about myself, a lot that God now, because if the therd noneyears wasn't dimension, I don't think at all. I don't even think when I'm up heretalking o know what I'm saying B, that kind of fil that's the kind of thing that happenswith. Is We these stup, so oer o over again and it's like? And how does thathappen? It says in the Vido. That's why the God then is so important when callwhen Rolin hasn't went up to call young. They said you ave, oin te. A pronuctOtball have never been an he says. Is there no hope he says here in thereonce in a while? These things change, it's got to be a major substantial,psychic change, and this is the way he describes it, ideas, emotions andattitudes, which is pretty much your wholepersonality. It's the motherboard ideas, emotions and attitudes that are theguiding force of these men's lives are castom on side and they become dominantby Hon. you set Abit des Emotionas, an attitude and the big one ha talks aboutbeing reborn, become like different people. Wo. U Says, selfish andSELFSENESANCAS. It says it's the driving forces we're drip, we're likeon automatic. We are like, if you're, not all and you're, not Comin, on God,you're on mautomatic pilot to screw somebody open you're on automatic pilot to somehow gothroughout the day and hurt somebody and probably also hurt yourself. You don't even have to think about you,don't even have to think about automatically you're going to dosomething that you're going to ret. That's going to be bad news later on.It's just going to happen. You know if you got some sort of addiction, you gotthe stuff going on. You know I'm punased on God. What Amecan you goingto do? Some crazy shit now that's just way this and I evenrealize your Craz...

...so that'sso an anyway, but that's oneof the things the forth Tet doesn't sort of bring your fore stap and fisthem, and all these things, goon, sot ot brings tead into relief. So you cansee that deal and that's the thing that and you bring gon that's what you haveto say because that's when you're really getting had that's when you'redoing the ontop, so you really Gett ad the tisease and find out who you areand revealing yourself to yourself and then you know, hopefully over period oftime, changing it. SO THAT'S IT! That's all. I Have Thosay th.

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