AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 17 · 2 years ago

Russell S - Breaking Bondage @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

To continue. It's that seriously, without any further ADO Russell's past. Yeah, thank you. My name is Russell, in an alcoholic South Dixie group and it's good to be here. Two hour drive. Well, what's that all about? Traveling? I have found that shout of a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. I think I reached my bottom. I believe in my mind my bottom was actually a month before that. I'm December twenty five, nineteen eighty, and so I haven't found enough. I should take a drink since that period of time. I know sometimes, I know at times, once in a while, I can get a little intense. Okay, I'm going to try to work on that. We gotta travel to experiment. I'm going to try to treat you guys like human beings tonight. I'm try to be nice. I'm going to do my best. I'm in I'm praying to the Lord that I'm able to pull this off. This will be like an experiment. Okay, we'll see whether the meds are working. I'm a great believer in personal testimony. I really am. If I give my personal testimony, which I'm going to give a personal testimony tonight. It's which means I'm going to speak in detail about myself, my favorite topic. I said to my sponsor once, because I was at there was a time in my life, many, many years ago, when I first got sober, where I wouldn't talk at meetings and my sponsor called me selfish and he said you're selfish and self centered and all you think about is yourself. And he said, and the only guy talked about is I talked about it like other people. He says you you only care about yourself, you don't care about anybody else. So you do is talk about other people. He says you got to get out of yourself. I said, well, how do you get out of you something? You got to talk about yourself. You know, I didn't make any sense to me, but still not sure I understand it. But you know, a's like that right, has a lot of mysterious parts moving around. So, but here's the deal. A lot of the problem with being an alcoholic as you have fewer people, and we've went I've gone through this, I think in prior talks. I know we have fewer people because the book says we're going to lose feer people. So you got to have it in order to lose it, you know, just like I know we're insane, because the book says there's a possibility if you find a higher power you might get sanity. So I mean so, in an event, what happens is when you start losing fear are people and stop thinking so much about what they're going to think about you and stuff like that, it becomes a lot easier to share personal testimony because you don't have to run through the filter. Well, I can't tell him that, or what if I tell him this? And you know, you just have to trust, trust in something, and today, at thirty nine years sober, I have something that I trusted, and so so it's easier for me to really give a personal testimone. You know, I'm going to give a little personal testimony tonight because I think it's important. There's a range to fit every nut that walks through the door. That's what Ai's like, a John tolbox. You know, somewhere around here you can hear somebody's going to be your rant. I may not be your ranch tonight, maybe somebody. You know, we're not exactly this isn't exactly well people's Inn onnymous. You know, I may not be the guy tonight, but I'm not. What I'm going to do is I'm gonna and I don't carry the message. All I do is I'm not responsible for the message. I don't carry the message. I don't have the power to carry the message. All I do is try to carry the message. That's my job. That means to do the best job I can this Thursday night to try to carry the message of the sixth step and how it works in my life. And that's what I'm going to try to do. And you know if you I don't. I have said, I have seven grandchildren and four children and and I'm a lawyer to so when somebody comes to me, I have constantly people that are asking me my advice. I'm talking about people other than my wife asking me for advice and my my children asks me for advice and my clients ask with advice and I can guarantee I always, always, always try to give the best advice I could give them based upon my experience. I'm seventy years old, but sober all you know, three nine years and I know what it's like to be a drinker. I know what it's like to be an alcoholic. I know what it's like to be sober. I've been through I've been through this, whatever you go through by a time to reach seventy, raising four kids and seven grandkids and being selfsupported, poorted their own contributions be not. I've been through that deal. I've been through the cancer twice. I've been...

...through the deal. I mean it's probably a lot more deals I got to go through, but I've been through a lot of stuff. So so I try to share my experience, because that's what's important, experience, right. You know the old say my sponsor used to say, when I'm in with experience meets some man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money. The man with the money will walked away with an experience. So I try to share my experience with them and the truth of the matter is I do the best to tell them the truth and and I watch as they walk away shaking their head saying that's not right. You know I'm not going to do that. You know that's crazy, because when you're mixed up, when you suffer from a disease of alcoholism, which is not drinking, nobody nobody alcoholics drink, but that's that's a symptom of the disease. In here we through the symptom really fast. Every math as Matth, you all have already recovered from a hopeless state of mind the body. Whether you know or not, you recovered from hope to stay to mind the body. And I'm not going through a long drunk along on. This is when you can't stop drinking and I know what that's about because I was at a point in my life where I couldn't stop drinking. I mean I couldn't stop drinking. I shouldn't have to stress that with this group, but I mean maybe with the Quantis Club I have to explain it, but I shouldn't have to explain that. I point in my life when my life turned into a bottom. I couldn't stop drinking, and I mean I wake up, I would I wanted to stop drinking. I tell myself I'm not going to drink and I'd say it with sincerity, and then by five o'clock I was drunk. And happened over and over and over again. I couldn't stop drinking. I came to day and I stopped drinking and and so I like the first hundred people. They said, big book. I recovered from that hopeless state to mind the body. Feeling sorry for yourself because your girlfriend, the boyfriend, left. You know, not having money, being broke, losing your cell phone, having a flat tire, you know, being you know getting fired, you know, worrying about your job, you know all the crap. You know, worrying about being overweight, worried about whether you're having sex or not, you know everything that you go through the beggars. That's not a hopeless stay to mind the boy it's just it's just pullshit going. That's just stuff. You know what I mean? That's just other things, okay, but the not drinking thing is a hopeless state of mind to body, and I recovered from that and you all every cover from that. But now I'm dealing with something called, something that is called alcoholism, and its centers in my mind, not my body. It doesn't have to do with that. Now, to be sure, if I don't take care of the alcoholism, if I don't take care of the thing that centers in my mind on my body, there's a one of the possibilities is that I'll drink again because I'm not happy with my sobriety and I will reach out for something to make me okay. Carol manager set men and women who are are out alcoholics and men and women enough to destroy themselves, or something else that will destroy me, like gambling, drugs or whatever it is. You know, maybe a woman, you know, maybe maybe I'll eat, I'll start to be an adultery or something. I'll reach out for something to make myself feel better because, I mean, I don't know what the working oppositting right here the way I am, it's just crap, you know what I mean? I'll just I'll just puss. I'll need something. I'll need something, I need, I'll desire something. My mind will tell me if I only had that woman or if I only had that car, or you know, what's really screwed up is I'm here and I should be there if I had a different job. I will do something to fix the emptiness that's going on side of me. And, of course, like alcohol, a lot of these things that we reach out for work work in the sense that they offer almost an immediate cure. I'm into immediate cures. I'm not interested. You know the new trip where they have that neutra what's that thing on TV, the Gott of the weight loss neutra? You know, you can lose like eighteen ninches. I saw in thirty days or something. I don't know, to fucking long for me. I'm down on surgery. Yeah, I say cut off a leg or something. I can see where you guys are right, very so in any event. So I've got to deal with now. Here's the thing. I've been in out, you know, one of the problems. I had to drop up here with Chris and he's here. Where are you, Chris Areas? So I'm driving up here in Chriss to our drive. So we started talking and he started asking the questions I was Chris has eleven years. So...

...he started asking me questions and and so I started trying to answer as questions, which, by the way, when I sponsor somebody I'm a I'm probably a very dead sponsor. I don't give a slim as much or I just say just hang out with me and ask me questions, you know, it's just easier for me, you know. And so by the time of them, of the two hours I had basically given him, I had basically given him the the meeting, and so I said no, I'm not. I can't do the meeting now. I give it all to you. I'm done, it's over, you know. But he asked me what I felt was really interesting. As he asked me, he's eleven years and he asked me questions that I was asking my sponsor at eleven years, nine, ten eleven years, the kind of questions that people with eleven years asked. And so I immediately, since I had asked those questions at nine, ten eleven years, I needily knew what the problem was, because I knew what my problem was and I knew what the solution was. And and like I said before, I'm going to try to give somebody an answer. I because I want to help them. I want to give them the answer their question, knowing that no matter how well I give the answer, the chances are they're not going to understand the answer or embrace the answer or even like the answer. There was a point in your life where you drank alcohol, alcoholically and you are hurting people. You may have even had an inklean idea in your mind, possibly that you might have a problem and somebody told you, mentioned you, that they thought you had a drinking problem and you ought to maybe check out a a or maybe check out your drinking it. Even though they gave you the right answer, are you turned away from them? You said, I got isn't know what the fuck he's talking about. I'm doing that Shit. You turned away from the answer because not because the answer was wrong, you know, not the end, because he had because you didn't like the answer. And so I'm going to give you some personal testimony on something that bothers people sometimes. At ten, eleven, eight, six, four, fourteen, Fifteen, twenty years of r I am giving an answer because I actually have discovered the answer. Now, this answer is not it's not a secret. You can actually hide the secret and playing site. You know the Apostle Paul in talking about equanimity, the idea. You know the big book that says you're going to know new freedom and new piece. You know that put the new piece, that new freedom, new freedom, new piece, he says, and he's describing the freedom from worry. You know one of the things they talk about, and servant on the Mount which was one of the main books they read in alcohol snbos between nineteen thirty five nineteen thirty nine. When I came to AA. You know thirty nine. You're almost forty years ago. It was one of the books they gave me. Sermon, not by aim and Fox, one of the books that they studied that. And first with the thirteen, the book of James, was some of the mount it says, and that one of the one of the one of the lines of a sermon by Christ was it says don't be anxious, do not be anxious, and he says don't put your faith in material things. Do not be anxious, don't put your faith in material things. So the first things he said. Another thing he said was really cool. He said he said in this world you will have trouble. Anybody ever have trouble in this world? And about trouble, listen, I got to tell you something. Twozero years ago, whether you believe he was God or not, there was a man who's been studied all over the world and the book's Best Selling Book. He says he says in this you know what he said. He said in this world you'll have trouble. And then he says be a good cheer. I've overcome the world. I've overcome the world, whatever that means, but it sounds pretty good to me to be in the world and out of the world. The Apostle Paul said, I've discovered the secret. I'm going to be content in all things. You know, if you hang run of alcoholics a lot, like I do, you'll sometimes hear them complain about stuff. They will actually, if you sponsor me, they will complain about Shit. They will complain about a lot of stuff, you know, and you know what the Apostle Paul said. He said I've learned to be content in all things. He learned. The Apostle Paul didn't complain because he was happy, regardless of whether he was no one, of what the bank account said. He was happy whether he was in jail or out of jail. He was okay because he because here's he had overcome the world. He had overcome the slavery and the bondage of all, not only alcohol or drugs. He had overcome the bondage of sex, the bondage of why can't I have a...

...new car, the bondage of why I haven't had sex in a month, the bondage of one am I going to lose weight? The bondage of what do people think about me? The bondage of you know what's going to happen in the boy the by he had overcome the world. You'd all overcome the stuff that really is sort of dragging you down, although you don't know it's great, you know it's dragging you down in your mind. You know it's dragging you down. Here's the problem. You know you'd stragged it down. But here's the two things that the problem is. You rationalize like I rationalized. You tell yourself rationalize, you understand the problem. But here's the thing. You don't know how to get out of it. You don't believe that you can get out of it, that it's possible to get out of it. You just and this all has to do with the drinking too, you don't think you should get out of because everybody, everybody, does it. Everybody drinks like that. Nobody, everybody does it. And you can't envision, I just can't vision a life of that drinking. You can't vision a life of that sex. You can envision life without, without movies. You can't division life without money. You can't vision a life without relationship to romantic relationships. You can't division of life without without so many things bother you. You need so many things to so many things you just meet. You need so much to feel good about yourself and even if you get all the stuff, it's still does make you feel good at yourself. And then you worried about what will happen if you lose it and you just don't know how to get out of the deal, because there is you know of no other way to live. It's like when you before you start, before you come in day a and somebody starts talking about not drinking and you can't do it, even still you know about it's like it's like somebody talking to you with Chinese, because you can't even imagine a life without trinking. What am I going to do on Chris? What am I going to do with my daughter when my daughter gets married? What am I you can't even imagine life without drinking. One day you run into a person in a or people in a and you hear some sort of testimony, the story of a person who says, I haven't had a drinking thirty nine I'm an alcohol he describes his alcoholism. You say, yeah, I was like that. He's like then he and he starts about as you have not drink of thirty nine years, or maybe thirty nine days or thirty nine weeks and all of a sudden your mind open to the possibility that it's possible to not drink and feel okay and your whole world changes. Your whole world changes because you didn't think it was possible and your whole world changes. And one day you run into people, and sometimes you're run into people in a that are dying, dying, physically dying, and they're happier than you are and you have no idea how to get there or what's going on, but based upon what they're saying, you know what has something to do with this program. So you have actually now seen somebody with your own unleife. You can go out and say I saw a man who was dying of cancer and given a meeting and he was happy and he was fine, and you can tell that something. It's now you don't know how to do it, you can't imagine how you could do it, but in your mind to say how do you get that, you know you'd say, man, I wish I had what that guy had. You know, the step before the step and steps as you got to want. It says, if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it and some not. Then you're ready. Some people are not ready. They don't want what we have, they want what they had. Well, they want what we have, but then they don't even know what we have, but they want it. But then I want to go any length together. So sometimes you just have you know, that book, that part of the book with says a vision for you. Sometimes you just have to lift your vision. Somebody has to expand your vision from a vision of just not drinking one day at a time, which is a big deal, to a vision of the promises, the vision of being rocking in the Fourth Dimension Existence, of experiencing much of heaven, of having a new freedom and new happiness. You just have to have that expanded, about living a fear free life. Now, of course, if you don't think that's possible or not possible for you, you won't even try for it. But you know, if you but maybe maybe you want to think about it do a little bit differently. You know, and when you sort of see, I think if you can try to put yourself in my place and understand what I'm saying, you'll see that my story, my story as far as getting to the next level emotional sobriety. Milt, you know what Bill Wilson said. You said the real problem with alcoholics is unhealthy dependencies. Unhealthy dependencies sounds like addiction, doesn't it? Unhealthy dependencies, addiction. When we talk about addiction, we talk about things like cocaine and alcohol and math, and that's what you...

...usually talk about. Well, he's not about unhealthy addictions. That could have to do with romance. It could have to do with sex. You could have to do with money. They could have to do with you know your body. It can, I can have to do with so many. has to do with vanity. You know what you look like, you know it could have to do a lot of thing. That brings the play a lot of stuff. This is a big world. So many things to be addicted to, so many things to think about, so many things to need, so many things to say. If only I had this, if only I had that. You know, when am I going to get this? Why don't I have this? Why can't I have this? Why don't I ever get this? Why is this always happen to me? So many things to show us you feel like crap. So many things to focus on and be addicted to. And not even though you're addicted to because the whole world is addicted to it, because all the movies, you know, all the all the movies, are all the Rom coms of the movies. And you know, if I have this guy, have a white picker, fans, the man who loves me, if this tided us every day, everybody, my wife's hooked on it the holiday. You know, what is it? The Hallmark Channel, Lifetime Channel? The world revolves around romance and all this sort of stuff. You know, everybody's doing it, everybody's drinking, everybody's living that way. Right, isn't that kid happiness? You know, it's what was that? Well, I can't remember that movie with Richard Gear and what's your face? She was a prostitute. What was that? Pretty woman. It's all about pretty woman, isn't it? It's all about being beautiful and, you know, being a crab, but you know, not feeling the good and then all send you run into a billionaire and you get married and you going to shop and you buy millions of dolls and you know, it's just a great movie, isn't it? You really destroy your life thinking about that shit, thinking that that's real, thinking that that is real thinking that that stuff is really happiness. You could really buy into that crap. Alcohols love that stuff. Money, property and romance. That's what it says in the big books. It's got money, property and well, yeah, I love lumps romance right into it. Listen, it may be the luxury of normal men like anger made, a little luxury of more normal men, but for people like me, you know, that kind of stuff is killer. That kind of stuff is exactly what they're talking about. I've been an alcohol for seventy years. I mean I know that's true because I know what alcoholism is, because I'm acquainted with alcoholism and I was never acquainted with it before. You know, I thought alcohol ultimately, I came day when I was thirty one years old and I couldn't stop drinking. I couldn't stop drinking, I couldn't stop drinking. I accept the fact that I was alcohol, Alcoholic, and what I thought an alcoholic is, I think most people still do, is somebody whose parasol alcohol and whose life is unmanageable. And saw I'm an alcoholic and I came to believe that I'm an alcohol because I'm Parasol of alcohol. My life is unmagical and I cannot drink like I do everything to stay away from a drink. But I picked up a white trip and it's all about the drinking and I read in the book. I read in the book somewhere where it says drinking is but a symptom of disease. It's not even a disease. But I think I sort of like really didn't understand that because I knew the drinking was the disease. I just I just knew, Derek, it was disease. Everybody was talking about drinking. Drink is the disease. As long as you don't drink, everything's okay. That's the disease. And then then this part book. It says the real disease centers in your mind, not your body. And I read that. I didn't say it was wrong, I didn't understand it because I wasn't acquainted with the disease of alcoholism. I wasn't acquainted with it. You understand what I'm saying. I was acquainted with the not drinking thing. But over a period of time, as I got off the pink cloud, if I was every on one and I got into the vagaries of life, the money problems, the life problems, the romance problems, the children problems, the stresses problems, everything. I began and I started to react to those problems, sometimes at three o'clock in the morning, sometimes worried all the time, sometimes obsessing about things all the time. When I started, when I started getting into the what it's like to be an alcoholic without alcohol, to live life as an alcoholic without alcohol, I became equated with the disease, of the disease of alcoholism. You know, at first I didn't know what was wrong with me. I got up to my sponsor and he would say things. Well, you're exactly where you're supposed to be, whatever the fuck that means. You know what I mean. It's like me, Santa Chris, will Chris, I like that question. You're exactly where you're supposed to do. You just made it in eleven years. You're exactly asking the right question. You know what I mean. I'm glad it took you eleven years. You know what I said Tom I said, you know, you're asking the right question. Eleven years. I said, you know, some people go for the rest of your lives. They never ask that question, they just live. They did some people drink when they can't deal with the alcoholism, and some people don't drink. They just live miserable lives sober. They become of dry drums. They live lives applied desperation. And I said, and so what happens is,...

...as you go along in life, the way you learn about the how do you how did you learn that you were an alcohol how did you learn about the symptom of dis these the alcohol drank, mean the the not drinking? How did you come to the point where you where you bought into the fact? Yes, I have to go to meetings, yes, I making a decision, I go to means, yes, I can. How do you buy into that? You had a drink. Right, you had to suffer, right, you had to go through the pain. How do you get a new perspective? By repeated humiliations, the final crushing of our selfsufficiency? Unfortunately, they do not arrescue for driving well fat, and they do not arrest you for spending money you don't have, you know, buying shit you don't need to impress people you don't like. And they don't arrestue for lusting after women or men, and they don't arrescue for your lusting. After think they're arrest you for that, not only going to rescue. If you look at the movies on TV, they glorify that stuff. That's what everybody wants. And sometimes you don't realize that you're you're suicidal. You got a million dollars in the bank or you gotta you having sex, you doing all that stuff that you throw was fantastic and you don't realize and you're asking yourself, why do I feel so shitty all the time? I'm nine years sober, I'm going to meetings on sponsoring people. I feel okay, but it's it's Shin. Let's going to get is this head? There's something missing. There's something missing. So you go to a means and you see people you know, maybe maybe me, somebody, who said, well, maybe this guy has the answer, and maybe that guy has the answer, maybe this book has the answer or maybe, and you're like you're liking bad shape. You're like almost as bad as shape as before you stop drinking. You didn't know the answer at you didn't have any idea why you were so fucked up. What the Fuck is wrong with me? And now you're sober in Aa and you've been doing everything you're supposed to do, an Aa that they tell you to do, and you got eleven years and you're still fucked up. And now you're really in fucking bad shape because you have no answers. You're going to the means, you're sponsoring people, you're feeling relatively okay. You don't want to drink. It's not like you want to drink, but like it's but it's shit. It's shit, it's crap. You know you're missing something. You know and now you're in that vast forty year waste land. No, you trudge and you don't know what the answers and you have no idea what the answer is. Every once while you'll hear the answer. Somebody will give you the answer, but you'll do with the answer just like you did when they told you you got to go to meetings. You'll say, I ain't doing that Shit, because you don't realize that the answer requires further surrendered. You don't. You think you've surrendered enough. You think you deserve of you think you deserve the permanent steps working in your life. You think you deserved to rock in the fourth dimension of existence. You think observed because of all the work you put in, when the truth is, if you don't do it a hundred percent, the result is nail and let unless you let the the truth is you've never really understood what they were trying to tell you, even though they'd made it plain. They didn't say let go a little bit. They didn't say stop the drinking. They said the result is nail until you let go absolutely. They said let go absolutely. They said there is one who has all power, one that one is God. May you find him now. They said your life has to be on a new basis, based of trusting, relying on God. They said, if you really want to be rock in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much of Heaven, the great fact is this, and nothing less than this. Your Creator, God, must become the central fact of your life. Your Life has to totally center upon God. You have to believe, come to the point where you choose to believe that he enters into your hearts and mind in a way which is deep miraculous and he is doing for you what you can't do for yourself. Once you make this decision, all sorts of once you make this decision, all sorts of remarkable things are possible. He will give you everything you need if you stay close to him and perform his work right well. And why wouldn't you stay close to him? Because he's the only thing in your life that you're even focusing on. You are focusing on anything else because you've got alcoholism, and the root of alcoholism is selfishness and self centeredness, which takes a hundred different forms. It's a hundred forms of fear.

You're driven by self centeredness and selfdelusion and just making decisions based on self and above everything, you got to get rid of the selfishness which has to do is, why can't I have this, and why can't I have that? And what am I going to have? This and we're going to have that, and if I only had this, a selfishness, you know, selfish is selfcentators. We must get rid of it. You must get rid of this selfishness, we must get rid of this alcoholism. We have already stopped drinking, by the way, the dragon is gone, the the the the symptom of diseases. God, we must get rid of the selfishness which is the root of our disease, which centers in our mind, not a body, and you cannot think it away. No human power can get rid of this. You can't manage it away, you can't earn enough money to get nonalcoholic. Okay, you must get rid of this selfishness. God makes that possible. And the problem is you've been reading this big book all along and you've never really really taking it seriously. You honestly never really. I know what's going on. I get it. You want to go to do the steps except for that. You want to do everything in the big book except for the stuff you don't want to do. I get that. I understand. You don't want to become like a Jesus Freak and you don't want to become like one of these God people and you know the guys talking too much about God and you don't want to be done that. And that's fine. Just stay the way you are, say exactly where you are and do exactly what you want. Nobody's going to tell you what not to do or what to do. And you can twenty years. It's just as easy at twenty years to say what the Fuck is wrong with me? Then at nine years or eleven years, you know, let me, they say the dress rehearsal. You get what you get. You know you get what you're willing to give in when we're willing to do when you're willing to surrender. It's very simple. The surrender doesn't start when the start the surrender. Anybody thinks the surrender starts with the white ship. It starts with a white ship. Does it listen? What I realize now, when I really when I'm acquainted with my alcoholism, I probably have more acquaintances to me, but I'm pretty acquainted. When my alcoholism. I know it looks like, you know what it feels like. So, since I know what alcoholism feels like, what it looks like, and it operates in my emotions and my feelings and my desires and my lust and my cravings, since I know what it feels like, I know I had it when I tent was ten years old. I know how to when I was fifteen years old. Sometimes it took the form of eating candy addictively. I still remember liquors. Press tells you know, you can't buy them any more. They went out of business. Sometimes it has to do with with clothes. Sometimes of us to go with all sorts of things, actually worrying about getting or having or something to make myself feel better. I feel okay if I can only be in with this crowd, of that crowd of relationships, whatever it is. My entire life trying to figure out how to feel better than I am now, because I always felt like crap. whither without the booze. I was an alcohol before I started drinking, during the drink, in and after the drinking. You know, I had to say I I'm equainted with my alcoholism. Now I'm not drinking. How do I get rid of this alcoholism? I mean the Hydeman Sandy's doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. I've tried to figure this thing out. I've pride to fure up with money, and many times I've had a lot of money. I've tried to clerk here with sex. I you know that that seemed to work, except when I wasn't having it, you know what I mean. And more time I'm not happy. You know, what are you doing? You're not having I tried to cure it with cars, but they get old and you got flat tires and everything like that, and you know you got to pay insurance on and I try to cure with everything. Nothing seems to work nothings, I mean how long? And some guy comes in and he says the God says, well, I'm not doing that Shit, even though I got a book, a book. Now, what does this say? Because alcoholics non number three, this is Bill Dotson, who's the man on the bed, you know, and that that portrait where they have a name the bed at build Wilson. Bob Is there with a Bible and he called came to believe, by the way, and this is what he says on page one, ninety one. It would be hard to estimate how much a has done for me. I really wanted the program and I wanted to go along with it. I noticed that others seem to have such a release. A happiness is something I thought a person want to have. I noticed that others seem to have a release. A happiness is something that I thought a person ought to have. I was trying to find the answer. It's just like you're trying to find it. So that's why you hear your night you and tat you don't know why you here tonight. You're here not because you're just trying to figure out the answer. That's why you're there's going to be something here. You're trying to figure out the answer. That's why you go to means. You're hoping that some guy or somebody or you're going to hear something that's going to give you the answer as to why you're still fucked up. That's why I came to me and I know one thing about alcoholics. You may not know this.

I know that we're not different or all the same. So if I came to meetings to see whether somebody would say something to me so that I win to feel so fucked up and I can find the answer, that's got to be the reason you're coming to meetings. It ain't for the coffee. You know. You coming Tom Means to find out the answer. I noticed that others seemed to have such a release to happiness, is something I thought a person or to have. I was trying to find the answer. I knew there was even more, something I hadn't got. And you're suspecting that. Some of you are suspecting that. Some of you say, and though this is a bunch of bullshit, I understand where this guy saying. Why did you do a drunken log and you know this sort of stuff, but some of you are suspecting that the reason more, just like he was, that there's more, that there's something that you haven't got and you may even have have got to the point where you're willing to go to any length to get what that person has. You know, that's what it says. The step before the steps is says. You know, you developed a weed, you know some sort of we or people and something. You want what they have and you won't go to any lay together. I was trying to find the answer. I knew and for him, Bill Wilson. Bill Wilson was the way he was looking at Bill Wilson. I was trying if I didn't have anything with drinking. He was sober, Bill Wilson was so great, had to do with something else. I knew there was even something more, something I hadn't gotten. I remember one day, a week or two after I'd come out of the hospital, Bill was at my house talking to my wife and me. We were trying, we were eating lunch and I was listening and trying to find out why they had this release. They seemed that they were always happy. I had a girl say in my group and I understood what you're saying. She was feeling down and depressed and she said I'm sick of people saying how happy they are. I said, I know it's bullshit and I had a chance to talk to and I said I understand. I feel because I remember what I was feeling crappy list that I want to hear about this from person that was feeling great. You know, because I do, was fucking bullshit. If he you know those bullshit and I said, but I just want to let you know something. In here you are going to meet people that are happy and, whether you believe it or not, they are. So you may want to do is instead of cursing them and say it's bullshit, you may want to go up to him and say, can I ask you a question? How do you get to the point where you're as happy as you are? You may want to ask them the question, because it may not people a shit. We're eating launch and I was listening and trying to find out why they had this release that they seem to have. Bill looked across at my wife and said, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep talking about and telling people. I thought, I think I have the answer. Bill was very, very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thing and he had given God the credit for having done it and he's so grateful about it he wants to tell other people about it. That sentence, the Lord has been so wonderful to me for me of his terrible disease. I just want to keep telling people about it. Has Been a sort of golden text for the April learners for me. Now you can read this book with cover to cover and I promise you, I promise you, in every story and everything you're going to read in this book, God is going to appear on the page, somewhere on the page, and it's going to have to be doing making him the sense of a part of your life. So I got a ten minutes on and tell you a little personal history about my deal. I was brought up in a middle class upblem of the class home, and all had to do with money and romance and sex and whatever, the American dream, and my Bible was a playboy magazine, trust me, and I was going to school to go to college, to get as rich and wealthy and famous as possible. So I and and the only thing I ever wanted to do was now as many females as I possibly could during a short period of time and they get married to a goodlooking one, have kids and be rich and how people look up to me. Okay, and believe me, that was my Bible and that was my story of life. Okay, so I am not like a Bible believing Christian, brought up in a Christian family and Jerry Fall, I'm a Jewish kid from great neck New York. You understand what I'm saying. And unfortunately, unfortunately, even though I was going to be the new you, Hefner, unfortunately I had this problem with alcohol, which for many years I thought was a problem that I realized it was a blessing for me. I can imagine where I would be without alcohol. It would be a bad situation. Thank God for alcohol, because it brought me to my knees. It brought me to my knees. Yeah, it took a long time. Thirty one years, you know, thirty one years saying, why can't I have my girlfriend back or who she with right now? Or, you know, why can't I make more money? At thirty one years, saying I can't believe this is...

...happening to me again. Our life is bullshit. There's this bunch of crap. But if finally got me to my knees where the only thing I saw was a bottle and I couldn't get out of it, I got down on my knees in the seven twenty, nineteen eighty and asked Jesus into my life. And whether you believe in Jesus not doesn't matter. That's what I did, okay, and said the sinner's prayer and I got up and I didn't go to church and I didn't do anything and nothing happened. And three rabbis and two priest didn't come down with the doughnut saying hey, we got an a meeting going over there, and they didn't happened. I continued to drink and a month later somebody came to my hospital room and told me all about did a twelve step on me, told about alcoholics anonymous, and then I went to just unjust and then I my last week was January twenty five. On the third. First Time went to an any room, I picked up white chip on white chip. No wonder. Never drank again and I did a by the numbers and the reason I did a by numbers is acoruse. I'm believer right thing of that, because I hit bottom. Nobody's going to do the why all this? Insists on Hay botty? Because nobod's gonna do this stuff and they think their life depends about it. I drank enough alcohol where I am a believer in alcohol. I believe that. I believe the one that I could be drunk and that I'm palace over alcohol. What? Let me explain you what that means to me. That means to me that I know that I'm powerful. That means to me that I know that I could be drunk an hour from now. You may find that hard to believe. I can't explain it to you now. I'm just telling you what I've I know I could be palace over I'm palace over Alpohole. I go to a lot of meetings. Just do ensure that I don't pick up a rank. Okay, now, I don't want you to think I'm sending with white knuckle sobriety. I think coming to drink out of any compunction today and if you only haven't had any feeling to drink and many, many, many years. But I know in my mind that I'm powerless over alcohol. I'm not cured. I'm not saying hey, I never got to drink oun I'll never see that, I'll never come out of my mind be drunken five minutes. Okay, if you hear that, I drank tonight and our afchemies as well. He told us he could do it and he could do it. I'm not one of these guys that say I can't drink. I can drink. I got money in my pocket, a few hundred bucks, I'll go out there, I can drink, I can go to a bar. I could do I know I could do it. Okay, I'm an alcoholic, okay, but I don't drink and I don't have and now I also have to be convinced. And this tookle and I'm not it takes time. Things happen over time. This is like the the nutrau thing. You know, I mean it doesn't. I'm convinced that, like go Wilson, go Wilson got it real fast. I'm convinced that the Onlys I'm sober is because of the Voice of God. You See, if you don't want to drink and you think you'll drink and think that. You think the only is came to you and and a drink is God. What happens is it's very easy for God's to sort of become a central fact of your life. I don't know that makes any sense. If you think you're going to die if you don't worship God, trust me, you become a believer. It becomes it becomes easier to become a I can I can't explain. It becomes a lot easier, you know, but not everybody believes that. You think everybody comes in a sort of believes that because they talk about we say the well, we say the serenity pair beforehand, we say Lord's prayer. Most people talk about God, Gods in all the steps. So that's easy for you to think that most people think that God's like the main character is the old but the truth is most people basically believe that you don't really have to worry about God. Don't worry about the God thing. Don't talk about the God think most people in alcoholics and homous don't really want to talk about the God thing. And what will happen is they learn that you can actually stay sober for twenty, thirty years without focusing on God. You can't. I mean, I've seen happen. You can, mean they feist stay sobering a just by going to meetings and now focus on God. What you can't do is be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, which you would not even dream. You can get physically sober. You might even have have a little happiness or a little feeling of that, but you can't have it's like trying to make a this there's there's a recipe in here. That's how you get rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. There's a great fact and nothing lesson here is how to do it. It's a recipe, you know, like you making a chocolate cake. You're pouring the milk to pouring the this, you do this, you put in the oven through in sixty the threes and sounds on that and damn out POPs up to chocolate cake. You want to instead of eggs, you want to put an egg beaters instead of milk. You want to put it out of know water, you know, instead of flower. You putting something. You know you're going to get a cake. It just ain't going to be the chocolate a you know what I mean. You're going to get something. It's going to look like sobriety. They're going to be picking up the DALLIONS, but there's going to be something missing, just like they said, there's something missing. They give the in the book, in the twelve or twelve. They give the answer as to how to get to the promised land. You know, just a forty years to get to the promised land. You know, follow me because because I had to go through the desert time, they had to go through the tough time, they had to be humiliate, they had things that there forty. There's a, there's there's a whole map after the drinking. By the way, everybody in a a is here after the drinking. You understand that? Touch. Everybody here is here after the drinking. There is no drinking after the drinking. Everything in the A, everything in a book, everything in the big book, is all...

...about the answer as to how to get to the promised land. You understand. You will do enough. You will, everybody will do enough. What we'll not everybody, but a lot of people do enough to try to not drink. Most people won't do won't do what is necessary to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. They just will not do it. They won't. That's why the six step is the step that separates the men from the boys. There is a separation in A. I don't give a crap whether you don't like it. I followed certain men. There was a hundreds of them, there were two or three of them, and a group of two hundred, there was one of them. There was one or two men. I followed around doing steps to what they're doing because I wanted what they had. I sure's how didn't want would you have. I feel sorry for most alcoholics. I don't want what they have. I want what out Kennedy had. I wanted what you know, Joe Sneider had. I want to have with John Glen had. There were certain men that I wanted what they had, just like he wanted what bill want to listen had. The Guy would say the Lord has been so wonderfully, want over to he had. I know what they had and I knew what they were talking about and I knew what the people in a a, most of the people around the parking lot smoking signers, were talking about, the bullshit they were talking about and I didn't want what they had. I wanted what these guys had. And so I followed what they had. I read that thing that this is the step that separates the men from the boys. I understood that we're boys. I understood that I wanted what these guys out. I don't know how to get it, but I know if I hung out with them I would get it. And instead of laughing at him, contemporary and investigation. You know, I understood when the book said we we lose prejudice, even against organized religion. We begin to see where they're right, where these people are right. We encourage church membership. I didn't laugh at that Shit. I wanted what they had. I was willing to go whatever I had to do to get what they had. If that's what I had to do. I didn't care what people would chuckling that me or stuff like that. You know, I didn't worry about when I talk at meetings today, whether I talk about the Bible or when they talk about God or something like that, or what these people are thinking about, because I don't want what they have. I want what I have and other people must want what I have, because I'm asked to speak all over the fucking country. Some Guy said me, you know, talk about God so much and you mention Jesus. I said, well, I guess if it's if it's wrong, they'll stop asking me and speak. I guess they'll stop asking me, but I guess some people want to hear this deal. Some people, not everybody, you know. And if it disturbs you, whatever, you're the studdn matter what the cause is something wrong with you. Right. And what does it say? The six step is what is. How does it define the six step? How does it does find the men, who the men are and who the boys talk? You know how he defines it. They define it in terms of those who believe in God and those who don't. Did you know that? Did you know the men of the men that believe in God and the boys are the ones that don't? Do you know? That's you didn't even know that's how they define it. I'm not here to argue with anybody. I know what it says the big book. It says by a well loved clergyman. This is the definition. The men are those who are willing to repeatedly do whatever they have to do to become ready to give everything up, not just the drinking, the women, eyes in, the whurring around, the looking at the money, the the grabbing of the success, the look at it all, that the tinkling bells and the shiny objects of the world. Give up everything. became willing to give up every defect of character, every addiction, every unhealthy dependency, and turn away from that. Okay, the men are willing to do that defective character that stops them from getting closer to God, that blocks them from the sunshine of the spirit. And you know the six step, says, they says. These are the men who repeatedly try to do these things. So they grow in the image and likeness of their creator, like saints, although we are not saints, but like people that are focused entirely upon growing, even while, like me, they're screwed up. Hey, I'm not. I'm not a saint. Saints are allowed to say fuck. That's why I won't have a mansion in heaven. I'll be in the trail apart. But I'm okay the trail apart. You know what I mean? I'm okay in the trail apart. I like the Trill, I like the other being, the trail of part, you know, but I mean that's listen, and this is my life. My life is at nine years, ten years ollder. I'm asking how when we're how's it going to happen? Some gays have sen this all. He says, you have been...

...do a Bible study. I said no because I was scared. I was scared about what other people think about me. I knew an AA, that that was a non or so whatever the heck guy thought a was about. And then I started thinking to myself to throw them a man. You know what am I? What am I so scared of? They were so so I went there and I meant a whole bunch of people. They weren't nestarly alcohol, although I met my third sponsor, had sixty years sobriety and a it was a baptist preacher. And I hung around them and I start studying the Bible. I started selling, studying the source of material. Does that mean you have to do it now? I just didn't, you know. And so when you start, when you hang around people that are doing something, you tend to blend into them. If you hang around the trust me, if you hang around the guys I hung around with when I was eighteen, nineteen, twenty, through the age of twenty five or twenty six, all you're doing is hang around barbs looking to score. You know what I mean? If you hang around guys and Bible study, all you're doing is talking about God and reading stuff about God, thinking about God. It's basically who you hang out with. And then I joined the church and then I became a deacon in the Church and then I started a ministry called the live again with Christ said in twelve that ministry, and then I go to Bible Studies and I do this and I do other things. I sponsor, we are do a lot of stuff and I just hang around people that are focused on that stuff. And when you focus on that stuff, you think about that stuff, you think about what other people are focused on. As the world is happening to me, as the cancer is happening to me, as stuff is happening to me, I'm either in AA talking about this stuff, or I'm a Bible study talking about this stuff, or I'm with my buddies who were talking about this stuff, and all I'm doing is thinking about this stuff. It's kind of crazy. It's sort of like became the centerpiece of my life. And you know what, I found something really strange, because people say, how do you stop thinking about. I'll tell you what happened. The more I focused on God, the less I focused on women, and I'm a real woman hauling. Trust me, I like them. I like the way they look. I mean I love them. I Love Them. I always do better when this goodlooking women in the front row. It's always a better meeting. You understand what I'm saying. Still can't get rid of that, you know, but it's the truth. It's the truth, and you know something. You know something. It's not helpful. It's not helpful. But you know what happens when I when I focus on God, it doesn't affect me that much. I'm not saying I'm a saint or I don't think about or I'm still attractive us. It just doesn't affect me like it used to affect me having a lot of money or not having a lot. I'm basically the same guy, whether have a lot of money or they don't have a lot of money. I don't worry a lot about money, even when I don't have it. I don't worry about money when I have it. Cars, I don't worry about cars. So what kind of car have you know? You know, I just the things that I used to worry about that. I used to be concerned about I am not concerned about it anymore, and it's not because I said to myself over and over again to three o'clock the Morn you got to stop thinking about this, you got to think of it. It's start. It started because I started focusing on God. And when I started focusing on God, it's to set the peace of my life. I stopped focus on everything else, which is probably, when you think about it, why they say in the book we must get rid of the selfishness. We must our kills us. God makes that possible. So how do you stop focusing on all the stuff that's blocking out on the sunshine of the years spirit? You focus on God. That's, by the way, that's sermon on the Mount. Don't focus on material things, focus on things that are not material. Focus on God. For me, for me, for other people, if they want to do it, you could say the God in the sky, the peanut, you know, the Oak Tree, whatever the hell good is if that's your Creator. For me, I knew the focus on a person. I don't know what it is. I need the focus on a person and upon a book and upon statements. I needed clear through. I'm a guy needs clear direction. I need the Bible. Leave me. I need the Bible. I need the dudes and the don'ts and the Bible, and I need everything they say, not only in this book, that in the Bible, because otherwise I make up shit, really I do. I figure what, what is the God in the Sky Woman to do? They know, and I figure out what he wants to do, and it says please, just want me to be said. He wants to go out with that woman. You know, I was next thing I know. Next thing I know, I'm not doing what God want. I'm doing what I want to do. Anyway. I'm my God, I'm God. It's great to be I have a fuzzy God. Then you can do shit. You know what I mean, to do shit and say, well, God told me to do it. You know, God told me was okay to leave my wife. My sponsor tells this great story, which is true, and I'm an end with this. It's we're a little bit old over about this and it's a true story. Actually, he heard from from it happened him. He heard it from somebody and it's so true. He's he said, man, that he knew that was it. Went up to his sponsor and said, he said I'm leaving my wife. I'm leaving wife's as. Wife says, I don't love her anymore. Has...

Anybody ever broken up with anybody? I mean it's a tough breaking up. Is Hard to do it. Let me tell you something. As Neil Sadaka said, it's terrible. If you have the break he it's terrible. Feel the break ords. It's all a terrible deal. You know, breaking up is hard to do. But you ever you're like in love with somebody, that Olson you're not I love with them, you know, or they're in love with you, and also that not in love with you. You know what I mean. So the guy comes up there, you see, he's married as kids. He says, I'm leaving my wife. This is why. He says I don't love her anymore. So the sponsor says he says, well, then love her, and he says, no, you're not listening to me. I don't love her any I don't love her anymore. He says, I heard you. Says well, then love her. You know you're not. You're not hearing me. I don't love her anymore. He said, no, you're not hearing me, then love her. Loves not a feeling, it's it's a decision. You decide to love her. You know when you've been married. I've been married for thirty nine years. You know, thirty nine years with the same woman. I couldn't spend thirty five. I left a woman with a child and walked away from her because I wasn't in love with her anymore. You know what that means. That means because I wanted to go to bed with other women because I had lost the sexual feeling for her as opposed to other you know what, without Bolls, that's like. That happens every day of the week, because we rely more on our feelings. You know what's going to kill you. Your emotions and your feelings. You value your emotions your feelings more than in your integrity. You will figure out how to lead people out of hurt, people out rip their hearts, out to do the dumbest things because you feel like it. Well, you've lost the feeling. That's exactly what alcoholism is all about, and somehow you will rationalize it to make it so it's okay to do that Shit. You know you're the voice, not the man. You know that guy was absolutely right. You know something, you know when you've been with somebody for thirty nine years, you know the the sexual attraction to league. Did you know that they really can after thirty nine years? Some of you guys send Shit after thirty nine days, you know, but you after one night. You know. I mean you know something. You know. You know what love is. Love making the decision may is making the decision that you know stay with that person no matter what because you love her and you care about her and you're going to watch over her and you're going to fill your vowel and your integrity because you're a man and your feelings are unimportant. The feelings of sexual traction or any of that shit is unimportant. So you ask me. Yeah, but how do you do that? Because money is said. But how do you do that? God makes that possible. How do you stop drinking? You know how you stop drinking. You know. What does the big book say? It says God couldn't. What if he was saw it? You know what the big what you know why? The big book says you're not drinking, because God made that possible. How you stop boring? Because God means that possible. You know. How you stop doing things that aren't don't show integrity. God makes that possible. You don't make it possible. I hope you're not giving yourself the credit, Bill Wilson. They can't give himself the credit. That's what this that's the disease and that's the solution. You don't have to like it, you know, and I you know the truth is. I was telling him on the way up and I'm the I said, you know, when I do these means, he's six step means. You know, it's sort of like it's so weird because I know I'm telling them the truth and I know I have to tell them the truth. I can't water it down and I know I sort of feel it. They're uneasy with it, you know what I mean. I know that they don't like it. I know a lot of them don't like it, you know what I mean. But I also know a lot of them deep down inside or thinking, I think, because the fucking truth, you know, I fell me the truth, they're so screwed by the time they get out of here. You know what I mean. So God bless you. Thank you.

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