AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 17 · 1 year ago

Russell S - Breaking Bondage @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

To continue. It's that seriously,without any further ADO Russell's past. Yeah, thank you. My name is Russell, in an alcoholic South Dixie group and it's good to be here.Two hour drive. Well, what's that all about? Traveling? I havefound that shout of a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundredand eighty one. I think I reached my bottom. I believe in mymind my bottom was actually a month before that. I'm December twenty five,nineteen eighty, and so I haven't found enough. I should take a drinksince that period of time. I know sometimes, I know at times,once in a while, I can get a little intense. Okay, I'mgoing to try to work on that. We gotta travel to experiment. I'mgoing to try to treat you guys like human beings tonight. I'm try tobe nice. I'm going to do my best. I'm in I'm praying tothe Lord that I'm able to pull this off. This will be like anexperiment. Okay, we'll see whether the meds are working. I'm a greatbeliever in personal testimony. I really am. If I give my personal testimony,which I'm going to give a personal testimony tonight. It's which means I'mgoing to speak in detail about myself, my favorite topic. I said tomy sponsor once, because I was at there was a time in my life, many, many years ago, when I first got sober, where Iwouldn't talk at meetings and my sponsor called me selfish and he said you're selfishand self centered and all you think about is yourself. And he said,and the only guy talked about is I talked about it like other people.He says you you only care about yourself, you don't care about anybody else.So you do is talk about other people. He says you got toget out of yourself. I said, well, how do you get outof you something? You got to talk about yourself. You know, Ididn't make any sense to me, but still not sure I understand it.But you know, a's like that right, has a lot of mysterious parts movingaround. So, but here's the deal. A lot of the problemwith being an alcoholic as you have fewer people, and we've went I've gonethrough this, I think in prior talks. I know we have fewer people becausethe book says we're going to lose feer people. So you got tohave it in order to lose it, you know, just like I knowwe're insane, because the book says there's a possibility if you find a higherpower you might get sanity. So I mean so, in an event,what happens is when you start losing fear are people and stop thinking so muchabout what they're going to think about you and stuff like that, it becomesa lot easier to share personal testimony because you don't have to run through thefilter. Well, I can't tell him that, or what if I tellhim this? And you know, you just have to trust, trust insomething, and today, at thirty nine years sober, I have something thatI trusted, and so so it's easier for me to really give a personaltestimone. You know, I'm going to give a little personal testimony tonight becauseI think it's important. There's a range to fit every nut that walks throughthe door. That's what Ai's like, a John tolbox. You know,somewhere around here you can hear somebody's going to be your rant. I maynot be your ranch tonight, maybe somebody. You know, we're not exactly thisisn't exactly well people's Inn onnymous. You know, I may not bethe guy tonight, but I'm not. What I'm going to do is I'mgonna and I don't carry the message. All I do is I'm not responsiblefor the message. I don't carry the message. I don't have the powerto carry the message. All I do is try to carry the message.That's my job. That means to do the best job I can this Thursdaynight to try to carry the message of the sixth step and how it worksin my life. And that's what I'm going to try to do. Andyou know if you I don't. I have said, I have seven grandchildrenand four children and and I'm a lawyer to so when somebody comes to me, I have constantly people that are asking me my advice. I'm talking aboutpeople other than my wife asking me for advice and my my children asks mefor advice and my clients ask with advice and I can guarantee I always,always, always try to give the best advice I could give them based uponmy experience. I'm seventy years old, but sober all you know, threenine years and I know what it's like to be a drinker. I knowwhat it's like to be an alcoholic. I know what it's like to besober. I've been through I've been through this, whatever you go through bya time to reach seventy, raising four kids and seven grandkids and being selfsupported, poorted their own contributions be not. I've been through that deal. I'vebeen through the cancer twice. I've been...

...through the deal. I mean it'sprobably a lot more deals I got to go through, but I've been througha lot of stuff. So so I try to share my experience, becausethat's what's important, experience, right. You know the old say my sponsorused to say, when I'm in with experience meets some man with money,the man with experience will walk away with the money. The man with themoney will walked away with an experience. So I try to share my experiencewith them and the truth of the matter is I do the best to tellthem the truth and and I watch as they walk away shaking their head sayingthat's not right. You know I'm not going to do that. You knowthat's crazy, because when you're mixed up, when you suffer from a disease ofalcoholism, which is not drinking, nobody nobody alcoholics drink, but that'sthat's a symptom of the disease. In here we through the symptom really fast. Every math as Matth, you all have already recovered from a hopeless stateof mind the body. Whether you know or not, you recovered from hopeto stay to mind the body. And I'm not going through a long drunkalong on. This is when you can't stop drinking and I know what that'sabout because I was at a point in my life where I couldn't stop drinking. I mean I couldn't stop drinking. I shouldn't have to stress that withthis group, but I mean maybe with the Quantis Club I have to explainit, but I shouldn't have to explain that. I point in my lifewhen my life turned into a bottom. I couldn't stop drinking, and Imean I wake up, I would I wanted to stop drinking. I tellmyself I'm not going to drink and I'd say it with sincerity, and thenby five o'clock I was drunk. And happened over and over and over again. I couldn't stop drinking. I came to day and I stopped drinking andand so I like the first hundred people. They said, big book. Irecovered from that hopeless state to mind the body. Feeling sorry for yourselfbecause your girlfriend, the boyfriend, left. You know, not having money,being broke, losing your cell phone, having a flat tire, you know, being you know getting fired, you know, worrying about your job, you know all the crap. You know, worrying about being overweight,worried about whether you're having sex or not, you know everything that you go throughthe beggars. That's not a hopeless stay to mind the boy it's justit's just pullshit going. That's just stuff. You know what I mean? That'sjust other things, okay, but the not drinking thing is a hopelessstate of mind to body, and I recovered from that and you all everycover from that. But now I'm dealing with something called, something that iscalled alcoholism, and its centers in my mind, not my body. Itdoesn't have to do with that. Now, to be sure, if I don'ttake care of the alcoholism, if I don't take care of the thingthat centers in my mind on my body, there's a one of the possibilities isthat I'll drink again because I'm not happy with my sobriety and I willreach out for something to make me okay. Carol manager set men and women whoare are out alcoholics and men and women enough to destroy themselves, orsomething else that will destroy me, like gambling, drugs or whatever it is. You know, maybe a woman, you know, maybe maybe I'll eat, I'll start to be an adultery or something. I'll reach out for somethingto make myself feel better because, I mean, I don't know what theworking oppositting right here the way I am, it's just crap, you know whatI mean? I'll just I'll just puss. I'll need something. I'llneed something, I need, I'll desire something. My mind will tell meif I only had that woman or if I only had that car, oryou know, what's really screwed up is I'm here and I should be thereif I had a different job. I will do something to fix the emptinessthat's going on side of me. And, of course, like alcohol, alot of these things that we reach out for work work in the sensethat they offer almost an immediate cure. I'm into immediate cures. I'm notinterested. You know the new trip where they have that neutra what's that thingon TV, the Gott of the weight loss neutra? You know, youcan lose like eighteen ninches. I saw in thirty days or something. Idon't know, to fucking long for me. I'm down on surgery. Yeah,I say cut off a leg or something. I can see where youguys are right, very so in any event. So I've got to dealwith now. Here's the thing. I've been in out, you know,one of the problems. I had to drop up here with Chris and he'shere. Where are you, Chris Areas? So I'm driving up here in Chrissto our drive. So we started talking and he started asking the questionsI was Chris has eleven years. So...

...he started asking me questions and andso I started trying to answer as questions, which, by the way, whenI sponsor somebody I'm a I'm probably a very dead sponsor. I don'tgive a slim as much or I just say just hang out with me andask me questions, you know, it's just easier for me, you know. And so by the time of them, of the two hours I had basicallygiven him, I had basically given him the the meeting, and soI said no, I'm not. I can't do the meeting now. Igive it all to you. I'm done, it's over, you know. Buthe asked me what I felt was really interesting. As he asked me, he's eleven years and he asked me questions that I was asking my sponsorat eleven years, nine, ten eleven years, the kind of questions thatpeople with eleven years asked. And so I immediately, since I had askedthose questions at nine, ten eleven years, I needily knew what the problem was, because I knew what my problem was and I knew what the solutionwas. And and like I said before, I'm going to try to give somebodyan answer. I because I want to help them. I want togive them the answer their question, knowing that no matter how well I givethe answer, the chances are they're not going to understand the answer or embracethe answer or even like the answer. There was a point in your lifewhere you drank alcohol, alcoholically and you are hurting people. You may haveeven had an inklean idea in your mind, possibly that you might have a problemand somebody told you, mentioned you, that they thought you had a drinkingproblem and you ought to maybe check out a a or maybe check outyour drinking it. Even though they gave you the right answer, are youturned away from them? You said, I got isn't know what the fuckhe's talking about. I'm doing that Shit. You turned away from the answer becausenot because the answer was wrong, you know, not the end,because he had because you didn't like the answer. And so I'm going togive you some personal testimony on something that bothers people sometimes. At ten,eleven, eight, six, four, fourteen, Fifteen, twenty years ofr I am giving an answer because I actually have discovered the answer. Now, this answer is not it's not a secret. You can actually hide thesecret and playing site. You know the Apostle Paul in talking about equanimity,the idea. You know the big book that says you're going to know newfreedom and new piece. You know that put the new piece, that newfreedom, new freedom, new piece, he says, and he's describing thefreedom from worry. You know one of the things they talk about, andservant on the Mount which was one of the main books they read in alcoholsnbos between nineteen thirty five nineteen thirty nine. When I came to AA. Youknow thirty nine. You're almost forty years ago. It was one ofthe books they gave me. Sermon, not by aim and Fox, oneof the books that they studied that. And first with the thirteen, thebook of James, was some of the mount it says, and that oneof the one of the one of the lines of a sermon by Christ wasit says don't be anxious, do not be anxious, and he says don'tput your faith in material things. Do not be anxious, don't put yourfaith in material things. So the first things he said. Another thing hesaid was really cool. He said he said in this world you will havetrouble. Anybody ever have trouble in this world? And about trouble, listen, I got to tell you something. Twozero years ago, whether you believehe was God or not, there was a man who's been studied all overthe world and the book's Best Selling Book. He says he says in this youknow what he said. He said in this world you'll have trouble.And then he says be a good cheer. I've overcome the world. I've overcomethe world, whatever that means, but it sounds pretty good to meto be in the world and out of the world. The Apostle Paul said, I've discovered the secret. I'm going to be content in all things.You know, if you hang run of alcoholics a lot, like I do, you'll sometimes hear them complain about stuff. They will actually, if you sponsorme, they will complain about Shit. They will complain about a lot ofstuff, you know, and you know what the Apostle Paul said.He said I've learned to be content in all things. He learned. TheApostle Paul didn't complain because he was happy, regardless of whether he was no one, of what the bank account said. He was happy whether he was injail or out of jail. He was okay because he because here's hehad overcome the world. He had overcome the slavery and the bondage of all, not only alcohol or drugs. He had overcome the bondage of sex,the bondage of why can't I have a...

...new car, the bondage of whyI haven't had sex in a month, the bondage of one am I goingto lose weight? The bondage of what do people think about me? Thebondage of you know what's going to happen in the boy the by he hadovercome the world. You'd all overcome the stuff that really is sort of draggingyou down, although you don't know it's great, you know it's dragging youdown in your mind. You know it's dragging you down. Here's the problem. You know you'd stragged it down. But here's the two things that theproblem is. You rationalize like I rationalized. You tell yourself rationalize, you understandthe problem. But here's the thing. You don't know how to get outof it. You don't believe that you can get out of it,that it's possible to get out of it. You just and this all has todo with the drinking too, you don't think you should get out ofbecause everybody, everybody, does it. Everybody drinks like that. Nobody,everybody does it. And you can't envision, I just can't vision a life ofthat drinking. You can't vision a life of that sex. You canenvision life without, without movies. You can't division life without money. Youcan't vision a life without relationship to romantic relationships. You can't division of lifewithout without so many things bother you. You need so many things to somany things you just meet. You need so much to feel good about yourselfand even if you get all the stuff, it's still does make you feel goodat yourself. And then you worried about what will happen if you loseit and you just don't know how to get out of the deal, becausethere is you know of no other way to live. It's like when youbefore you start, before you come in day a and somebody starts talking aboutnot drinking and you can't do it, even still you know about it's likeit's like somebody talking to you with Chinese, because you can't even imagine a lifewithout trinking. What am I going to do on Chris? What amI going to do with my daughter when my daughter gets married? What amI you can't even imagine life without drinking. One day you run into a personin a or people in a and you hear some sort of testimony,the story of a person who says, I haven't had a drinking thirty nineI'm an alcohol he describes his alcoholism. You say, yeah, I waslike that. He's like then he and he starts about as you have notdrink of thirty nine years, or maybe thirty nine days or thirty nine weeksand all of a sudden your mind open to the possibility that it's possible tonot drink and feel okay and your whole world changes. Your whole world changesbecause you didn't think it was possible and your whole world changes. And oneday you run into people, and sometimes you're run into people in a thatare dying, dying, physically dying, and they're happier than you are andyou have no idea how to get there or what's going on, but basedupon what they're saying, you know what has something to do with this program. So you have actually now seen somebody with your own unleife. You cango out and say I saw a man who was dying of cancer and givena meeting and he was happy and he was fine, and you can tellthat something. It's now you don't know how to do it, you can'timagine how you could do it, but in your mind to say how doyou get that, you know you'd say, man, I wish I had whatthat guy had. You know, the step before the step and stepsas you got to want. It says, if you want what we have andare willing to go to any length to get it and some not.Then you're ready. Some people are not ready. They don't want what wehave, they want what they had. Well, they want what we have, but then they don't even know what we have, but they want it. But then I want to go any length together. So sometimes you justhave you know, that book, that part of the book with says avision for you. Sometimes you just have to lift your vision. Somebody hasto expand your vision from a vision of just not drinking one day at atime, which is a big deal, to a vision of the promises,the vision of being rocking in the Fourth Dimension Existence, of experiencing much ofheaven, of having a new freedom and new happiness. You just have tohave that expanded, about living a fear free life. Now, of course, if you don't think that's possible or not possible for you, you won'teven try for it. But you know, if you but maybe maybe you wantto think about it do a little bit differently. You know, andwhen you sort of see, I think if you can try to put yourselfin my place and understand what I'm saying, you'll see that my story, mystory as far as getting to the next level emotional sobriety. Milt,you know what Bill Wilson said. You said the real problem with alcoholics isunhealthy dependencies. Unhealthy dependencies sounds like addiction, doesn't it? Unhealthy dependencies, addiction. When we talk about addiction, we talk about things like cocaine andalcohol and math, and that's what you...

...usually talk about. Well, he'snot about unhealthy addictions. That could have to do with romance. It couldhave to do with sex. You could have to do with money. Theycould have to do with you know your body. It can, I canhave to do with so many. has to do with vanity. You knowwhat you look like, you know it could have to do a lot ofthing. That brings the play a lot of stuff. This is a bigworld. So many things to be addicted to, so many things to thinkabout, so many things to need, so many things to say. Ifonly I had this, if only I had that. You know, whenam I going to get this? Why don't I have this? Why can'tI have this? Why don't I ever get this? Why is this alwayshappen to me? So many things to show us you feel like crap.So many things to focus on and be addicted to. And not even thoughyou're addicted to because the whole world is addicted to it, because all themovies, you know, all the all the movies, are all the Romcoms of the movies. And you know, if I have this guy, havea white picker, fans, the man who loves me, if thistided us every day, everybody, my wife's hooked on it the holiday.You know, what is it? The Hallmark Channel, Lifetime Channel? Theworld revolves around romance and all this sort of stuff. You know, everybody'sdoing it, everybody's drinking, everybody's living that way. Right, isn't thatkid happiness? You know, it's what was that? Well, I can'tremember that movie with Richard Gear and what's your face? She was a prostitute. What was that? Pretty woman. It's all about pretty woman, isn'tit? It's all about being beautiful and, you know, being a crab,but you know, not feeling the good and then all send you runinto a billionaire and you get married and you going to shop and you buymillions of dolls and you know, it's just a great movie, isn't it? You really destroy your life thinking about that shit, thinking that that's real, thinking that that is real thinking that that stuff is really happiness. Youcould really buy into that crap. Alcohols love that stuff. Money, propertyand romance. That's what it says in the big books. It's got money, property and well, yeah, I love lumps romance right into it.Listen, it may be the luxury of normal men like anger made, alittle luxury of more normal men, but for people like me, you know, that kind of stuff is killer. That kind of stuff is exactly whatthey're talking about. I've been an alcohol for seventy years. I mean Iknow that's true because I know what alcoholism is, because I'm acquainted with alcoholismand I was never acquainted with it before. You know, I thought alcohol ultimately, I came day when I was thirty one years old and I couldn'tstop drinking. I couldn't stop drinking, I couldn't stop drinking. I acceptthe fact that I was alcohol, Alcoholic, and what I thought an alcoholic is, I think most people still do, is somebody whose parasol alcohol and whoselife is unmanageable. And saw I'm an alcoholic and I came to believethat I'm an alcohol because I'm Parasol of alcohol. My life is unmagical andI cannot drink like I do everything to stay away from a drink. ButI picked up a white trip and it's all about the drinking and I readin the book. I read in the book somewhere where it says drinking isbut a symptom of disease. It's not even a disease. But I thinkI sort of like really didn't understand that because I knew the drinking was thedisease. I just I just knew, Derek, it was disease. Everybodywas talking about drinking. Drink is the disease. As long as you don'tdrink, everything's okay. That's the disease. And then then this part book.It says the real disease centers in your mind, not your body.And I read that. I didn't say it was wrong, I didn't understandit because I wasn't acquainted with the disease of alcoholism. I wasn't acquainted withit. You understand what I'm saying. I was acquainted with the not drinkingthing. But over a period of time, as I got off the pink cloud, if I was every on one and I got into the vagaries oflife, the money problems, the life problems, the romance problems, thechildren problems, the stresses problems, everything. I began and I started to reactto those problems, sometimes at three o'clock in the morning, sometimes worriedall the time, sometimes obsessing about things all the time. When I started, when I started getting into the what it's like to be an alcoholic withoutalcohol, to live life as an alcoholic without alcohol, I became equated withthe disease, of the disease of alcoholism. You know, at first I didn'tknow what was wrong with me. I got up to my sponsor andhe would say things. Well, you're exactly where you're supposed to be,whatever the fuck that means. You know what I mean. It's like me, Santa Chris, will Chris, I like that question. You're exactly whereyou're supposed to do. You just made it in eleven years. You're exactlyasking the right question. You know what I mean. I'm glad it tookyou eleven years. You know what I said Tom I said, you know, you're asking the right question. Eleven years. I said, you know, some people go for the rest of your lives. They never ask thatquestion, they just live. They did some people drink when they can't dealwith the alcoholism, and some people don't drink. They just live miserable livessober. They become of dry drums. They live lives applied desperation. AndI said, and so what happens is,...

...as you go along in life,the way you learn about the how do you how did you learn thatyou were an alcohol how did you learn about the symptom of dis these thealcohol drank, mean the the not drinking? How did you come to the pointwhere you where you bought into the fact? Yes, I have togo to meetings, yes, I making a decision, I go to means, yes, I can. How do you buy into that? You hada drink. Right, you had to suffer, right, you had togo through the pain. How do you get a new perspective? By repeatedhumiliations, the final crushing of our selfsufficiency? Unfortunately, they do not arrescue fordriving well fat, and they do not arrest you for spending money youdon't have, you know, buying shit you don't need to impress people youdon't like. And they don't arrestue for lusting after women or men, andthey don't arrescue for your lusting. After think they're arrest you for that,not only going to rescue. If you look at the movies on TV,they glorify that stuff. That's what everybody wants. And sometimes you don't realizethat you're you're suicidal. You got a million dollars in the bank or yougotta you having sex, you doing all that stuff that you throw was fantasticand you don't realize and you're asking yourself, why do I feel so shitty allthe time? I'm nine years sober, I'm going to meetings on sponsoring people. I feel okay, but it's it's Shin. Let's going to getis this head? There's something missing. There's something missing. So you goto a means and you see people you know, maybe maybe me, somebody, who said, well, maybe this guy has the answer, and maybethat guy has the answer, maybe this book has the answer or maybe,and you're like you're liking bad shape. You're like almost as bad as shapeas before you stop drinking. You didn't know the answer at you didn't haveany idea why you were so fucked up. What the Fuck is wrong with me? And now you're sober in Aa and you've been doing everything you're supposedto do, an Aa that they tell you to do, and you goteleven years and you're still fucked up. And now you're really in fucking badshape because you have no answers. You're going to the means, you're sponsoringpeople, you're feeling relatively okay. You don't want to drink. It's notlike you want to drink, but like it's but it's shit. It's shit, it's crap. You know you're missing something. You know and now you'rein that vast forty year waste land. No, you trudge and you don'tknow what the answers and you have no idea what the answer is. Everyonce while you'll hear the answer. Somebody will give you the answer, butyou'll do with the answer just like you did when they told you you gotto go to meetings. You'll say, I ain't doing that Shit, becauseyou don't realize that the answer requires further surrendered. You don't. You thinkyou've surrendered enough. You think you deserve of you think you deserve the permanentsteps working in your life. You think you deserved to rock in the fourthdimension of existence. You think observed because of all the work you put in, when the truth is, if you don't do it a hundred percent,the result is nail and let unless you let the the truth is you've neverreally understood what they were trying to tell you, even though they'd made itplain. They didn't say let go a little bit. They didn't say stopthe drinking. They said the result is nail until you let go absolutely.They said let go absolutely. They said there is one who has all power, one that one is God. May you find him now. They saidyour life has to be on a new basis, based of trusting, relyingon God. They said, if you really want to be rock in thefourth dimension of existence and experience much of Heaven, the great fact is this, and nothing less than this. Your Creator, God, must become thecentral fact of your life. Your Life has to totally center upon God.You have to believe, come to the point where you choose to believe thathe enters into your hearts and mind in a way which is deep miraculous andhe is doing for you what you can't do for yourself. Once you makethis decision, all sorts of once you make this decision, all sorts ofremarkable things are possible. He will give you everything you need if you stayclose to him and perform his work right well. And why wouldn't you stayclose to him? Because he's the only thing in your life that you're evenfocusing on. You are focusing on anything else because you've got alcoholism, andthe root of alcoholism is selfishness and self centeredness, which takes a hundred differentforms. It's a hundred forms of fear.

You're driven by self centeredness and selfdelusionand just making decisions based on self and above everything, you got toget rid of the selfishness which has to do is, why can't I havethis, and why can't I have that? And what am I going to have? This and we're going to have that, and if I only hadthis, a selfishness, you know, selfish is selfcentators. We must getrid of it. You must get rid of this selfishness, we must getrid of this alcoholism. We have already stopped drinking, by the way,the dragon is gone, the the the the symptom of diseases. God,we must get rid of the selfishness which is the root of our disease,which centers in our mind, not a body, and you cannot think itaway. No human power can get rid of this. You can't manage itaway, you can't earn enough money to get nonalcoholic. Okay, you mustget rid of this selfishness. God makes that possible. And the problem isyou've been reading this big book all along and you've never really really taking itseriously. You honestly never really. I know what's going on. I getit. You want to go to do the steps except for that. Youwant to do everything in the big book except for the stuff you don't wantto do. I get that. I understand. You don't want to becomelike a Jesus Freak and you don't want to become like one of these Godpeople and you know the guys talking too much about God and you don't wantto be done that. And that's fine. Just stay the way you are,say exactly where you are and do exactly what you want. Nobody's goingto tell you what not to do or what to do. And you cantwenty years. It's just as easy at twenty years to say what the Fuckis wrong with me? Then at nine years or eleven years, you know, let me, they say the dress rehearsal. You get what you get. You know you get what you're willing to give in when we're willing todo when you're willing to surrender. It's very simple. The surrender doesn't startwhen the start the surrender. Anybody thinks the surrender starts with the white ship. It starts with a white ship. Does it listen? What I realizenow, when I really when I'm acquainted with my alcoholism, I probably havemore acquaintances to me, but I'm pretty acquainted. When my alcoholism. Iknow it looks like, you know what it feels like. So, sinceI know what alcoholism feels like, what it looks like, and it operatesin my emotions and my feelings and my desires and my lust and my cravings, since I know what it feels like, I know I had it when Itent was ten years old. I know how to when I was fifteenyears old. Sometimes it took the form of eating candy addictively. I stillremember liquors. Press tells you know, you can't buy them any more.They went out of business. Sometimes it has to do with with clothes.Sometimes of us to go with all sorts of things, actually worrying about gettingor having or something to make myself feel better. I feel okay if Ican only be in with this crowd, of that crowd of relationships, whateverit is. My entire life trying to figure out how to feel better thanI am now, because I always felt like crap. whither without the booze. I was an alcohol before I started drinking, during the drink, inand after the drinking. You know, I had to say I I'm equaintedwith my alcoholism. Now I'm not drinking. How do I get rid of thisalcoholism? I mean the Hydeman Sandy's doing the same thing over and overagain, expecting different results. I've tried to figure this thing out. I'vepride to fure up with money, and many times I've had a lot ofmoney. I've tried to clerk here with sex. I you know that thatseemed to work, except when I wasn't having it, you know what Imean. And more time I'm not happy. You know, what are you doing? You're not having I tried to cure it with cars, but theyget old and you got flat tires and everything like that, and you knowyou got to pay insurance on and I try to cure with everything. Nothingseems to work nothings, I mean how long? And some guy comes inand he says the God says, well, I'm not doing that Shit, eventhough I got a book, a book. Now, what does thissay? Because alcoholics non number three, this is Bill Dotson, who's theman on the bed, you know, and that that portrait where they havea name the bed at build Wilson. Bob Is there with a Bible andhe called came to believe, by the way, and this is what hesays on page one, ninety one. It would be hard to estimate howmuch a has done for me. I really wanted the program and I wantedto go along with it. I noticed that others seem to have such arelease. A happiness is something I thought a person want to have. Inoticed that others seem to have a release. A happiness is something that I thoughta person ought to have. I was trying to find the answer.It's just like you're trying to find it. So that's why you hear your nightyou and tat you don't know why you here tonight. You're here notbecause you're just trying to figure out the answer. That's why you're there's goingto be something here. You're trying to figure out the answer. That's whyyou go to means. You're hoping that some guy or somebody or you're goingto hear something that's going to give you the answer as to why you're stillfucked up. That's why I came to me and I know one thing aboutalcoholics. You may not know this.

I know that we're not different orall the same. So if I came to meetings to see whether somebody wouldsay something to me so that I win to feel so fucked up and Ican find the answer, that's got to be the reason you're coming to meetings. It ain't for the coffee. You know. You coming Tom Means tofind out the answer. I noticed that others seemed to have such a releaseto happiness, is something I thought a person or to have. I wastrying to find the answer. I knew there was even more, something Ihadn't got. And you're suspecting that. Some of you are suspecting that.Some of you say, and though this is a bunch of bullshit, Iunderstand where this guy saying. Why did you do a drunken log and youknow this sort of stuff, but some of you are suspecting that the reasonmore, just like he was, that there's more, that there's something thatyou haven't got and you may even have have got to the point where you'rewilling to go to any length to get what that person has. You know, that's what it says. The step before the steps is says. Youknow, you developed a weed, you know some sort of we or peopleand something. You want what they have and you won't go to any laytogether. I was trying to find the answer. I knew and for him, Bill Wilson. Bill Wilson was the way he was looking at Bill Wilson. I was trying if I didn't have anything with drinking. He was sober, Bill Wilson was so great, had to do with something else. Iknew there was even something more, something I hadn't gotten. I remember oneday, a week or two after I'd come out of the hospital, Billwas at my house talking to my wife and me. We were trying,we were eating lunch and I was listening and trying to find out why theyhad this release. They seemed that they were always happy. I had agirl say in my group and I understood what you're saying. She was feelingdown and depressed and she said I'm sick of people saying how happy they are. I said, I know it's bullshit and I had a chance to talkto and I said I understand. I feel because I remember what I wasfeeling crappy list that I want to hear about this from person that was feelinggreat. You know, because I do, was fucking bullshit. If he youknow those bullshit and I said, but I just want to let youknow something. In here you are going to meet people that are happy and, whether you believe it or not, they are. So you may wantto do is instead of cursing them and say it's bullshit, you may wantto go up to him and say, can I ask you a question?How do you get to the point where you're as happy as you are?You may want to ask them the question, because it may not people a shit. We're eating launch and I was listening and trying to find out whythey had this release that they seem to have. Bill looked across at mywife and said, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me,curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep talking about andtelling people. I thought, I think I have the answer. Bill wasvery, very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thing and hehad given God the credit for having done it and he's so grateful about ithe wants to tell other people about it. That sentence, the Lord has beenso wonderful to me for me of his terrible disease. I just wantto keep telling people about it. Has Been a sort of golden text forthe April learners for me. Now you can read this book with cover tocover and I promise you, I promise you, in every story and everythingyou're going to read in this book, God is going to appear on thepage, somewhere on the page, and it's going to have to be doingmaking him the sense of a part of your life. So I got aten minutes on and tell you a little personal history about my deal. Iwas brought up in a middle class upblem of the class home, and allhad to do with money and romance and sex and whatever, the American dream, and my Bible was a playboy magazine, trust me, and I was goingto school to go to college, to get as rich and wealthy andfamous as possible. So I and and the only thing I ever wanted todo was now as many females as I possibly could during a short period oftime and they get married to a goodlooking one, have kids and be richand how people look up to me. Okay, and believe me, thatwas my Bible and that was my story of life. Okay, so Iam not like a Bible believing Christian, brought up in a Christian family andJerry Fall, I'm a Jewish kid from great neck New York. You understandwhat I'm saying. And unfortunately, unfortunately, even though I was going to bethe new you, Hefner, unfortunately I had this problem with alcohol,which for many years I thought was a problem that I realized it was ablessing for me. I can imagine where I would be without alcohol. Itwould be a bad situation. Thank God for alcohol, because it brought meto my knees. It brought me to my knees. Yeah, it tooka long time. Thirty one years, you know, thirty one years saying, why can't I have my girlfriend back or who she with right now?Or, you know, why can't I make more money? At thirty oneyears, saying I can't believe this is...

...happening to me again. Our lifeis bullshit. There's this bunch of crap. But if finally got me to myknees where the only thing I saw was a bottle and I couldn't getout of it, I got down on my knees in the seven twenty,nineteen eighty and asked Jesus into my life. And whether you believe in Jesus notdoesn't matter. That's what I did, okay, and said the sinner's prayerand I got up and I didn't go to church and I didn't doanything and nothing happened. And three rabbis and two priest didn't come down withthe doughnut saying hey, we got an a meeting going over there, andthey didn't happened. I continued to drink and a month later somebody came tomy hospital room and told me all about did a twelve step on me,told about alcoholics anonymous, and then I went to just unjust and then Imy last week was January twenty five. On the third. First Time wentto an any room, I picked up white chip on white chip. Nowonder. Never drank again and I did a by the numbers and the reasonI did a by numbers is acoruse. I'm believer right thing of that,because I hit bottom. Nobody's going to do the why all this? Insistson Hay botty? Because nobod's gonna do this stuff and they think their lifedepends about it. I drank enough alcohol where I am a believer in alcohol. I believe that. I believe the one that I could be drunk andthat I'm palace over alcohol. What? Let me explain you what that meansto me. That means to me that I know that I'm powerful. Thatmeans to me that I know that I could be drunk an hour from now. You may find that hard to believe. I can't explain it to you now. I'm just telling you what I've I know I could be palace overI'm palace over Alpohole. I go to a lot of meetings. Just doensure that I don't pick up a rank. Okay, now, I don't wantyou to think I'm sending with white knuckle sobriety. I think coming todrink out of any compunction today and if you only haven't had any feeling todrink and many, many, many years. But I know in my mind thatI'm powerless over alcohol. I'm not cured. I'm not saying hey,I never got to drink oun I'll never see that, I'll never come outof my mind be drunken five minutes. Okay, if you hear that,I drank tonight and our afchemies as well. He told us he could do itand he could do it. I'm not one of these guys that sayI can't drink. I can drink. I got money in my pocket,a few hundred bucks, I'll go out there, I can drink, Ican go to a bar. I could do I know I could do it. Okay, I'm an alcoholic, okay, but I don't drink and I don'thave and now I also have to be convinced. And this tookle andI'm not it takes time. Things happen over time. This is like thethe nutrau thing. You know, I mean it doesn't. I'm convinced that, like go Wilson, go Wilson got it real fast. I'm convinced thatthe Onlys I'm sober is because of the Voice of God. You See,if you don't want to drink and you think you'll drink and think that.You think the only is came to you and and a drink is God.What happens is it's very easy for God's to sort of become a central factof your life. I don't know that makes any sense. If you thinkyou're going to die if you don't worship God, trust me, you becomea believer. It becomes it becomes easier to become a I can I can'texplain. It becomes a lot easier, you know, but not everybody believesthat. You think everybody comes in a sort of believes that because they talkabout we say the well, we say the serenity pair beforehand, we sayLord's prayer. Most people talk about God, Gods in all the steps. Sothat's easy for you to think that most people think that God's like themain character is the old but the truth is most people basically believe that youdon't really have to worry about God. Don't worry about the God thing.Don't talk about the God think most people in alcoholics and homous don't really wantto talk about the God thing. And what will happen is they learn thatyou can actually stay sober for twenty, thirty years without focusing on God.You can't. I mean, I've seen happen. You can, mean theyfeist stay sobering a just by going to meetings and now focus on God.What you can't do is be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, whichyou would not even dream. You can get physically sober. You might evenhave have a little happiness or a little feeling of that, but you can'thave it's like trying to make a this there's there's a recipe in here.That's how you get rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. There's a greatfact and nothing lesson here is how to do it. It's a recipe,you know, like you making a chocolate cake. You're pouring the milk topouring the this, you do this, you put in the oven through insixty the threes and sounds on that and damn out POPs up to chocolate cake. You want to instead of eggs, you want to put an egg beatersinstead of milk. You want to put it out of know water, youknow, instead of flower. You putting something. You know you're going toget a cake. It just ain't going to be the chocolate a you knowwhat I mean. You're going to get something. It's going to look likesobriety. They're going to be picking up the DALLIONS, but there's going tobe something missing, just like they said, there's something missing. They give thein the book, in the twelve or twelve. They give the answeras to how to get to the promised land. You know, just aforty years to get to the promised land. You know, follow me because becauseI had to go through the desert time, they had to go throughthe tough time, they had to be humiliate, they had things that thereforty. There's a, there's there's a whole map after the drinking. Bythe way, everybody in a a is here after the drinking. You understandthat? Touch. Everybody here is here after the drinking. There is nodrinking after the drinking. Everything in the A, everything in a book,everything in the big book, is all...

...about the answer as to how toget to the promised land. You understand. You will do enough. You will, everybody will do enough. What we'll not everybody, but a lotof people do enough to try to not drink. Most people won't do won'tdo what is necessary to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. Theyjust will not do it. They won't. That's why the six step is thestep that separates the men from the boys. There is a separation inA. I don't give a crap whether you don't like it. I followedcertain men. There was a hundreds of them, there were two or threeof them, and a group of two hundred, there was one of them. There was one or two men. I followed around doing steps to whatthey're doing because I wanted what they had. I sure's how didn't want would youhave. I feel sorry for most alcoholics. I don't want what theyhave. I want what out Kennedy had. I wanted what you know, JoeSneider had. I want to have with John Glen had. There werecertain men that I wanted what they had, just like he wanted what bill wantto listen had. The Guy would say the Lord has been so wonderfully, want over to he had. I know what they had and I knewwhat they were talking about and I knew what the people in a a,most of the people around the parking lot smoking signers, were talking about,the bullshit they were talking about and I didn't want what they had. Iwanted what these guys had. And so I followed what they had. Iread that thing that this is the step that separates the men from the boys. I understood that we're boys. I understood that I wanted what these guysout. I don't know how to get it, but I know if Ihung out with them I would get it. And instead of laughing at him,contemporary and investigation. You know, I understood when the book said wewe lose prejudice, even against organized religion. We begin to see where they're right, where these people are right. We encourage church membership. I didn'tlaugh at that Shit. I wanted what they had. I was willing togo whatever I had to do to get what they had. If that's whatI had to do. I didn't care what people would chuckling that me orstuff like that. You know, I didn't worry about when I talk atmeetings today, whether I talk about the Bible or when they talk about Godor something like that, or what these people are thinking about, because Idon't want what they have. I want what I have and other people mustwant what I have, because I'm asked to speak all over the fucking country. Some Guy said me, you know, talk about God so much and youmention Jesus. I said, well, I guess if it's if it's wrong, they'll stop asking me and speak. I guess they'll stop asking me,but I guess some people want to hear this deal. Some people,not everybody, you know. And if it disturbs you, whatever, you'rethe studdn matter what the cause is something wrong with you. Right. Andwhat does it say? The six step is what is. How does itdefine the six step? How does it does find the men, who themen are and who the boys talk? You know how he defines it.They define it in terms of those who believe in God and those who don't. Did you know that? Did you know the men of the men thatbelieve in God and the boys are the ones that don't? Do you know? That's you didn't even know that's how they define it. I'm not hereto argue with anybody. I know what it says the big book. Itsays by a well loved clergyman. This is the definition. The men arethose who are willing to repeatedly do whatever they have to do to become readyto give everything up, not just the drinking, the women, eyes in, the whurring around, the looking at the money, the the grabbing ofthe success, the look at it all, that the tinkling bells and the shinyobjects of the world. Give up everything. became willing to give upevery defect of character, every addiction, every unhealthy dependency, and turn awayfrom that. Okay, the men are willing to do that defective character thatstops them from getting closer to God, that blocks them from the sunshine ofthe spirit. And you know the six step, says, they says.These are the men who repeatedly try to do these things. So they growin the image and likeness of their creator, like saints, although we are notsaints, but like people that are focused entirely upon growing, even while, like me, they're screwed up. Hey, I'm not. I'm nota saint. Saints are allowed to say fuck. That's why I won't havea mansion in heaven. I'll be in the trail apart. But I'm okaythe trail apart. You know what I mean? I'm okay in the trailapart. I like the Trill, I like the other being, the trailof part, you know, but I mean that's listen, and this ismy life. My life is at nine years, ten years ollder. I'masking how when we're how's it going to happen? Some gays have sen thisall. He says, you have been...

...do a Bible study. I saidno because I was scared. I was scared about what other people think aboutme. I knew an AA, that that was a non or so whateverthe heck guy thought a was about. And then I started thinking to myselfto throw them a man. You know what am I? What am Iso scared of? They were so so I went there and I meant awhole bunch of people. They weren't nestarly alcohol, although I met my thirdsponsor, had sixty years sobriety and a it was a baptist preacher. AndI hung around them and I start studying the Bible. I started selling,studying the source of material. Does that mean you have to do it now? I just didn't, you know. And so when you start, whenyou hang around people that are doing something, you tend to blend into them.If you hang around the trust me, if you hang around the guys Ihung around with when I was eighteen, nineteen, twenty, through the ageof twenty five or twenty six, all you're doing is hang around barbslooking to score. You know what I mean? If you hang around guysand Bible study, all you're doing is talking about God and reading stuff aboutGod, thinking about God. It's basically who you hang out with. Andthen I joined the church and then I became a deacon in the Church andthen I started a ministry called the live again with Christ said in twelve thatministry, and then I go to Bible Studies and I do this and Ido other things. I sponsor, we are do a lot of stuff andI just hang around people that are focused on that stuff. And when youfocus on that stuff, you think about that stuff, you think about whatother people are focused on. As the world is happening to me, asthe cancer is happening to me, as stuff is happening to me, I'meither in AA talking about this stuff, or I'm a Bible study talking aboutthis stuff, or I'm with my buddies who were talking about this stuff,and all I'm doing is thinking about this stuff. It's kind of crazy.It's sort of like became the centerpiece of my life. And you know what, I found something really strange, because people say, how do you stopthinking about. I'll tell you what happened. The more I focused on God,the less I focused on women, and I'm a real woman hauling.Trust me, I like them. I like the way they look. Imean I love them. I Love Them. I always do better when this goodlookingwomen in the front row. It's always a better meeting. You understandwhat I'm saying. Still can't get rid of that, you know, butit's the truth. It's the truth, and you know something. You knowsomething. It's not helpful. It's not helpful. But you know what happenswhen I when I focus on God, it doesn't affect me that much.I'm not saying I'm a saint or I don't think about or I'm still attractiveus. It just doesn't affect me like it used to affect me having alot of money or not having a lot. I'm basically the same guy, whetherhave a lot of money or they don't have a lot of money.I don't worry a lot about money, even when I don't have it.I don't worry about money when I have it. Cars, I don't worryabout cars. So what kind of car have you know? You know,I just the things that I used to worry about that. I used tobe concerned about I am not concerned about it anymore, and it's not becauseI said to myself over and over again to three o'clock the Morn you gotto stop thinking about this, you got to think of it. It's start. It started because I started focusing on God. And when I started focusingon God, it's to set the peace of my life. I stopped focuson everything else, which is probably, when you think about it, whythey say in the book we must get rid of the selfishness. We mustour kills us. God makes that possible. So how do you stop focusing onall the stuff that's blocking out on the sunshine of the years spirit?You focus on God. That's, by the way, that's sermon on theMount. Don't focus on material things, focus on things that are not material. Focus on God. For me, for me, for other people,if they want to do it, you could say the God in the sky, the peanut, you know, the Oak Tree, whatever the hell goodis if that's your Creator. For me, I knew the focus on a person. I don't know what it is. I need the focus on a personand upon a book and upon statements. I needed clear through. I'm aguy needs clear direction. I need the Bible. Leave me. Ineed the Bible. I need the dudes and the don'ts and the Bible,and I need everything they say, not only in this book, that inthe Bible, because otherwise I make up shit, really I do. Ifigure what, what is the God in the Sky Woman to do? Theyknow, and I figure out what he wants to do, and it saysplease, just want me to be said. He wants to go out with thatwoman. You know, I was next thing I know. Next thingI know, I'm not doing what God want. I'm doing what I wantto do. Anyway. I'm my God, I'm God. It's great to beI have a fuzzy God. Then you can do shit. You knowwhat I mean, to do shit and say, well, God told meto do it. You know, God told me was okay to leave mywife. My sponsor tells this great story, which is true, and I'm anend with this. It's we're a little bit old over about this andit's a true story. Actually, he heard from from it happened him.He heard it from somebody and it's so true. He's he said, man, that he knew that was it. Went up to his sponsor and said, he said I'm leaving my wife. I'm leaving wife's as. Wife says, I don't love her anymore. Has...

Anybody ever broken up with anybody?I mean it's a tough breaking up. Is Hard to do it. Letme tell you something. As Neil Sadaka said, it's terrible. If youhave the break he it's terrible. Feel the break ords. It's all aterrible deal. You know, breaking up is hard to do. But youever you're like in love with somebody, that Olson you're not I love withthem, you know, or they're in love with you, and also thatnot in love with you. You know what I mean. So the guycomes up there, you see, he's married as kids. He says,I'm leaving my wife. This is why. He says I don't love her anymore. So the sponsor says he says, well, then love her, andhe says, no, you're not listening to me. I don't loveher any I don't love her anymore. He says, I heard you.Says well, then love her. You know you're not. You're not hearingme. I don't love her anymore. He said, no, you're nothearing me, then love her. Loves not a feeling, it's it's adecision. You decide to love her. You know when you've been married.I've been married for thirty nine years. You know, thirty nine years withthe same woman. I couldn't spend thirty five. I left a woman witha child and walked away from her because I wasn't in love with her anymore. You know what that means. That means because I wanted to go tobed with other women because I had lost the sexual feeling for her as opposedto other you know what, without Bolls, that's like. That happens every dayof the week, because we rely more on our feelings. You knowwhat's going to kill you. Your emotions and your feelings. You value youremotions your feelings more than in your integrity. You will figure out how to leadpeople out of hurt, people out rip their hearts, out to dothe dumbest things because you feel like it. Well, you've lost the feeling.That's exactly what alcoholism is all about, and somehow you will rationalize it tomake it so it's okay to do that Shit. You know you're thevoice, not the man. You know that guy was absolutely right. Youknow something, you know when you've been with somebody for thirty nine years,you know the the sexual attraction to league. Did you know that they really canafter thirty nine years? Some of you guys send Shit after thirty ninedays, you know, but you after one night. You know. Imean you know something. You know. You know what love is. Lovemaking the decision may is making the decision that you know stay with that personno matter what because you love her and you care about her and you're goingto watch over her and you're going to fill your vowel and your integrity becauseyou're a man and your feelings are unimportant. The feelings of sexual traction or anyof that shit is unimportant. So you ask me. Yeah, buthow do you do that? Because money is said. But how do youdo that? God makes that possible. How do you stop drinking? Youknow how you stop drinking. You know. What does the big book say?It says God couldn't. What if he was saw it? You knowwhat the big what you know why? The big book says you're not drinking, because God made that possible. How you stop boring? Because God meansthat possible. You know. How you stop doing things that aren't don't showintegrity. God makes that possible. You don't make it possible. I hopeyou're not giving yourself the credit, Bill Wilson. They can't give himself thecredit. That's what this that's the disease and that's the solution. You don'thave to like it, you know, and I you know the truth is. I was telling him on the way up and I'm the I said,you know, when I do these means, he's six step means. You know, it's sort of like it's so weird because I know I'm telling themthe truth and I know I have to tell them the truth. I can'twater it down and I know I sort of feel it. They're uneasy withit, you know what I mean. I know that they don't like it. I know a lot of them don't like it, you know what Imean. But I also know a lot of them deep down inside or thinking, I think, because the fucking truth, you know, I fell me thetruth, they're so screwed by the time they get out of here.You know what I mean. So God bless you. Thank you.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (97)