AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 17 · 1 year ago

Russell S - Breaking Bondage @ Life Is Good Group 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

To continue its te series Sonot anyfurther do muscle pact yeah Thanko. My name is Russell on an alcoholic sotix group, and it's good to be here.Two hour drive. What's that all about traffing wow, I am found ou sa I'm drink sinceJanuary, twenty tr, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. I think I reached my bottom. I believe in my mind my bottom was actually a month before that onDecember, twenty fifth nineteen eighty, and so I haven't found nointhat should take a drink since I've heard a time I know sometime. I know at times once awhile IA get a little intesse Sokay, I'm going to try to work on that.We gotto travel, Ik Espermen, I'm going to try that treat you guys like human beangs.Tonight you try to be nice I'MNG to do my best, I'm N. I'm praying to the Lord that I'mable to pull this off. This will be like an experiment. Okay, we'll see what the meds are working, I'm a great believer in personaltestimony. I really am, if I give my personal test mony, whichI'm going to give a personal testimonic tonight, it's, which means I'm going to speak indetail about myself. My favorite topic. I said to my sponsor ones, because Iwas' there was a time in my life many many years ago, when I first got sovelwere I wouldn't talk, O meatins and my sponsor called me selfish and he saidyou're, selfish and Selfsenteredan. All you think about it yourself and he said,and the onlything I talked about it. I talked about like other people, he saysyou AL, you only care about yourself. You don't care about anybody else. Wha!You do is fuck about other people. He sais you got to get out of yourself. Isaid: Well, how do you get a y SOM? He jus got to talk about yourself. YouKNOWI didn't make any sense to me still not sure. I understand it, butyou know as like that right has a lot of mysterious parts moving around so but here's a deal a lot of the problem with TheinNaugcholcis. You have fear of people and we went I've gone through this. Ithink in prior talks. I know we have tear people because the book Saysswe're going to lose far F people, so you got to have it in order to lose it.You know just like. I know we're insane, because the book says: There's apossibilit. If you find ha higher power, Yo mighe get Satuday, so I mean so in any men. What happens is when youstart losing fear people and stop thinking so much about whatthey're going to think about you and stuff like that. It becomes a loteasier to share personal testmony because you don'thave to run through the filter whel. I can't tell him that or what, if I tellhim this- and you know you just have to trust trust in something, and today, at thirty nine years over, I havesomething that I trusted, and so so it's easier for me to really givePersonal Testamon yeah, I'm going to give am little personal testimonytonight, because I think it's important there's a ranster fot every, not thatWall Tho the door. That's what that, as like a John Tolbox, you know somewherearound here, you can hear somebody, that's gonna, be your rent. I mean I'be Arrenche to that. Maybe somebody you we're not exactly this isn't exactlywhell people's anonymous. You know I may not do the guy tonight, but I'm notwhat I'm going to do is I'm gonna and I don't carry the message all I do. Is Inot responsible for the message. I don't carry the message, O ove thepower to Ky the message all I do is try to carry the message. That's my job.That means to the best job. I can this Thursday night to try to cy the messageof the six step and how it works in my life and that'swhat I'm gong to try to do, and you know if you I don't. I have EI, haveseven grandchildren and four children and and I'm a lawyer to so whensomebody comes to me, I have constanly people that are asking me my advice. I'm talking about people other than mylife asking me for advice and my my children ask me for advice andclinest with advice, and I can guarantee. I always always always tryto give the best advice. I could give them based on my experience, I'mseventy years old been soveral. You know thirty nine years and I know whatit's like to be a drinker in always like to be an ALCOHOC. I KNOWTI's liketo be sober. I've been through I've been through this. Whatever you gothrough by the time you REAC, seventy raising four kids and severn grandkidsand being selfsupport sported, Thou rown contribution to be now. I've beenthrough that deal. I've been through...

...the cancer twice I've been through thedeal. I mean, there's, probably a lot more deals. I got to go through bad itthrough a lot of stuff. So so I try to share my experience becausethat's what's important experience right. You know the old SAMG, Misponsorused, to say when I'm in with h experience wet a man with money, theman with experience a want way to the money, the maddle of the money willwalk away with anexperience. So I try to share my experience with them and the truth of the matter is, I do thebest to tell them the truth and, and I watch as they walk away ndshaking their heads. SAYING: THAT'S NOT RIGHT! You know I'm not going to do that. You knowthat's crazy, because when you're mixed up when yousuffer from a disease of alcoholism which is not drinkingnobody, nobody, alcoholic straight- but that's that's a symptom of the disease in here we threw the symptom reallyfast ever matter. As matter AF, you all have already recovered from a hopelessstate of mind. The body, whether you know or not, you recoveri from itHopeus, stay to mind and body and I'm Goit to go through a long drumk a lotBou. This is when you can't stop drinking, and I know what that's about,because I was at a point in my life, where I wouldn't stop drinking, I meanI couldn't stop drinking. I shouldn't have to stress that with this group,but I mean maybe with the Quantus Club. I'd have to explain it, but I shouldn'thave to explain that I still avoided my life won. My life turns into a bottle.I couldn't stop drinking and I mean I wake up. I would I wanted to stopdrinking. I tell myself, I'm not going to drink and I'd, say it with sincerityand then by five o'clock. I was truck and happened over and over Nover gain.I couldn't stop drinking, I came day and I stopped drinking and and so I like the first hundredpeople, they said Lo well, I recovered from that hopeless tiy to mind or body feeling. Sorry for yourself, becauseyour girlfriend a boyfriend left, you know not having money being broke,losing your cell phone having a flat tire. You know, be, you know getting fired.You know worried about your job. You know all the crap. You know worryingabout being overweight, worried about whether you're having sex or not. Youknow everything that you go through the beggors. That's not a hopeless stane inmind e by its just. Let's just pullshit, don't that's just stuff! You know whatI mean. That's just other things: okay, but the not drinking thing is a hopelesstate, omindte body, and I recovered from that- and you all have recoveredfrom that. But now I'm dealing with something called something that is called alcoholism and it centers in my mind, not my body. It doesn't have to with that now to besure if I don't take care of the alcoholism, if I don'ttake care, ofthe thing that centers in my mind, Ot my body, there's a one ofthe possibilities. Is that I'll drink again, because I'm not happy with my surprise and I will reach out for something tomake me. Okay, prominetst sat men and women whore Arealcoholtiman when Ro destroy themselves there, something else thatwoull destroy me like gambling, drugs or whatever it is. You know- maybe awoman- you know- maybe maybe I'll be I'll start to being adultery or something I'llreach out for something to make myself feel better, because I mean I don'tknow whatthee working not but sitting right here. The Way I am I's just crap,you know what I mean I'll just I'll just because I'll need something I'llneed something I need I'll desire, something my mind will tell me if Ionly had that woman or if I only had that car you know what's really screwedup as I'm here and I should be there. If I had a different job, I would dosomething to fix the emptiness. That's going on Iside of me and, of course,like alcohol. A lot of these things that we reach out for work work in the sense that they theyoffer almost an immediate cure, I'm into immediate jeurs. I I'm not interested, you know theneutrip Whel they have that neutra. What's that thing on TV, the God, withthe weight boss, nine Neu Tru, you know you can lose like eighteeninches. I saw in thirty days or something I don'tknow too. fucking long for me, I'm down on surgery yea, I sais cut off a leg or something I can see where you guys are at very so in any ment. So I've got to dealwith now now, hure's the thing I've been inout you one of the problems I had. I drove up here with Chris and he's herewhere Ar you Chris There Eis, so Weli'm driving up here, N prisonse to ourdrive, so we started talking and he started asking me questions as Chrishas eleven years, so he started Aski me...

...questions and, and so I started trying to answer hisquestions which, by the way when I spontorsomebody I'm I'm probably a very dad sponsor, I don't dive a Slimans, muchor I just say just hang out with me and ask me questions. You know it's just easier for me to know, and soby the time of Dumb Wer the two hours I had basically given him, I basicallygiven him the the meeding Aso. I said I not, I can't do the meatnnow I gave it all to you, I'm done it's over, you know, but he asked me what I felt was reallyinteresting. Is he asked me he's eleven years and he asked me questions that Iwas asking my sponsor at eleven years: Nine ten eleven years, the kind ofquestions that people with eleven years ask, and so I immediately since I hadasked those questions at nineten eleven years I medely knew what the problem was,because I knew what my problem was and I knew what the solution was and and, like I said before, I'm goingto try to give somebody an answer. I because I want to help them. I want togive them the answer. Thet question, knowing that, no matter how well I givethe answer, the chances are they're not going tounderstand the answer or embrace the answer, or even like theanswer. There was a point in your life whereyou drank alcohol alcoholically and you were hurting people. You may have even had an inkling ideain your mind, possibly that you might have a problem, and somebody told you mentioned you that they thought you hada drinking problem and you ought to maybe check out a a or maybe check outyou drinking ineve though they gave you the rightanswer. You turned away from them. You said Igot, doesn't know what the Fuck Yiu's talking bout ain't doing that shit. You turned away from the answer becausenot because the dens was wrong, you know not the en, because becauseyou didn't like the answer, and so I'm go o give you some personaltestimony on something that bothers people,sometimes at nine nren and eleven eightsix for Fourteen ifteen twentyyears of Ryan Givan answer, because I actually have discovered the answer now.This answer is not it's not a secret. You can actually hide the secret andplaying site. You know thepousle Paul in talking about equanemit the idea. You know the big ork thatsays you're going to Kno new freedom and new pieace. You know that part hanew piece that new freedom, new treedom, new peace. He says and he's describing the freedomfrom worry. You know one of the things they talkedabout Nservin on the mountain, which was one of the main books. They read inalcholsanops, be Nin N, thirty fe, onethousand, nine hueded, N, thirty,nine. When I came day a you know, thirty nine e, almost forty years agoit was one of the books they gave me Sero, not biamic, Fox one of the booksthat they studied that in first with n Thirteen H, Booo James with some onthem out and says and tha one of the one of the one of the lines in thesermon by Christ was, it says, don't Beag do not be anxious and he says, don't put your faith.inmaterial things do not be anxious. Don't put your faithin material things his on first things, he said. Another thing he said wasreally cool. He said he said in this world. You will have trouble. Anybodyever have trouble in this world. An that Traubin thisten. I got t tell yousomething two sand years ago, whether you believe he was God or not. Therewas a man, who's been studied all over the world, an the books best sellingbook. He says he says in Tis. You already said he said in this Worldaleft troublel and then he says, be a good yhear. Ihave overcome the world. I've overcome the world whatever thatmeans, but it sounds pretty good to me to be in the world and ot of the world.The Apostle Aul set I've discovered the secret I' Wulne to be content in allthings. You know if Yoan run alcoholics a lotlike I do you'll sometimes hear them complain of Thaut stuff. They willactually, if you sponsorm, they will complain a Bhout Shit. They willcomplain about a lot thef stuff. You know, and you know what the APOSTBL said. Hesaid: I've learned to be contentid all things he learned. The possball didn'tcomplain because he was happy regardless of whether Hewas, no matterwhat the back count said. He was happy whether he was in jail or out of jail.He was okay because he because he had overcome the world, he had all overcome.Tho Slavery and the bondage of no not only alcohol wit drugs. He had oecomethe bondage of sex, the bondage of.

Why can't I have new car, the bondageof why haven't ad sex in a month, the bondage of when am I going to lose weight thebondage of what do people think about me? The bond ditch of you know, what'sgoing to happen e the Bo, the bud he had overcome the world, yeu'd allvercome, the stuff that reallyis sort of dragging you down, although you don't know wit's treat, you knowwhat strantene you down in your mind, you know: What's tragging you down,here's the problem, you know you' straightit down, but here's the twothings that a probic is you rationalize? Like I rationalize you tell yourself,ratial lize, you understand the problem, but here's the thing you don't know howto get out of it. You don't believe that you can get outof it that it's possible to get out of it. You Juk, and this all has to do withthe drinker to you. Don't think you should get outbecause everybody everybody does it. Everybody drinks like that: Nobody,everybody does it and you can't dinvision. I just can'tvisiona life of that drink. You can't Ivisiona wife of that sex.You can vision life without without movies. You can't division life withoutmoney. You can't ivision a life without relationship romantic relationships oncanrevisionl life. Without without so many things bother you you need so many things to so manythings you just meanh. You need so much to feel good about yourself and even if you get all the stuff, itstill does make ou feel good o you something you worry about! Wil Havpen!If you lose it and you just don't know how to get outof the deal, because there is, you know, Af no other way to live. It's like when you before you startbefore. You come INDA A and somebody starts talking about it, not drinking, and you can't do any ONAstil you don what it's like. It's like somebody talkd to you with Chinese,because you can't even imagine a life wifh out Trenti. What am I going to doon Christa? What am I going to do it? My daughter won daughter gets married.What am I you can't even imagine life or that drinking one day you run into a person in a or people in Aa, and you hear some sortof testimonia story of a person who says I haven't had a drink. In thirtynine, I'm an alcohol, he describes t alchol en yo, say yeah. I was like thathe's like ther, and he starts about as EA drink of thirty nine years or maybethirty nine days or thirty nine weeks and all of a sudden your mind go was to the possibilitythat it's possible to not drink and feel okay and your whole world changes your wholeworld changes because you didn't think it was possible and the whole worldchanges and one day you run into people andsometimes you'll run into people in a that are dying, dying, physically dying and they'rehappier than you are, and you have no idea how to get thereor what's going on, but based on what they're saying you know, it has somethido with this program. So you have actually now seen somebody with yourown alifes. You can go out and say I saw a man who was dying of cancer andgiven a meet and he was happy and he was fine and you can tell thatsomething. It's now. You don't know how to do it. You can't imagine how you could do it,but in your mind, Tou say: How do you get the you know? You', say man. I wishI had what that guy had you know the step before the step. An steps is yougot to want. It says if you want what we have and are willing to go to any length toget it and some not then you're ready. Somepeople are not reay, they don't want. We have they want what they had well,they want what we have, but then re ot. They don't even know we have ut, theywant it, but they're not when to go tan like together. So sometimes you just have you knowthat book with that part of bookward says vision for you. Sometimes you justhave to lift your vision. Somebody has to expand your vision from a vision ofjust not drinking one day at a time which is a big deal to a vision of the promises. The visionof being rocket in the fourth dimension existence of experience, much of heaven,of having a new freedom and new happiness. You just have to have that expandedabout living, a a fear, free life. Now, of course, if you don't think,that's possible or not possible for you, you won't even try for it, but you knowif you, but maybe maybe you want to think about it, a little bitdifferently. You know and when you sort of see, I think if you can try to putyourself in my place and understand what I'm saying, you'll see that mystory, my story as far as getting to the next level:Emotional Sobriety, Milburn, you know what Bilwilson said. He said the realproblem without boxes, unhealthy dependencies, unhealthy dependencies sounds like adiction doesn't unhealthy dependencies addiction. Whenwe talk about pediction, we talkd about things like cocaine and alcohol and mad,and that's what you usually talk about.

Wel You ow about unhealthy addictionsthat could have to do with romance can have to do with sex. You coul have to do with money. Itcould have to do with you know your body I can. I can have do it so an hast to with vanity. You know what you look like. You know it could have tdo alot of say. Thet brings in to play a lot on of stuff. This is a big world,so many things to be addicted to so many things to think about so manythings to need so many things to say, if only I had this, if only I had that you know, when am I going to get this?Why don't I have this? Why can't I have this? Why did I ever get this? Why isthis always happen to me so many things that Jorda Ake, you feel like crap, so many things to focus on and beaddicted to and not even though you're addicted to, because the whole world isaddiced to it, because all the movies, you know all the all the movies are allthe roncoms of the movies. And you know if I have this guy, I have a witepeckerfanse. The man who loves me at this tined US everything, everybody, mywife's looked on it the holidays. You know what is it halmark channelwidetime channel the world revolves around romance and all this sort ofstuff you know everybody's doing it. Everybody'sdrinking everybody's living. That way right is that Ke te happiness. You know it's. What was that? I can't remember thatmovie with Richard Geer and what's your face, who, as an Prosticowhas that pretty moment it's all about PrettyMoin? Is it it's all about being beautiful and you know being a C, butyou know not feeling it and then Olsen, Yo runto a billionaire and you getmarried and Goin the shop and you buy millions of dollars, and you know it'sjust a great movie. Isn't it you really destroy your life? Thinkingabout that shit, thinking that that's real thinking that that is real thinking that that stuff is reallyhappiness. You could really buy into that crapalcohol S, love that stuff money properly and romance. That's what itsays in the Big Bot, its got re money properly and bro Yeah well wanchromance right into it. Listen it may be the luxury of normal men like anger,Maye, go te luxury of m normal men, but for people like me, you know that kindof stuff is killer. That kind of stuff is exactly whatthey're talking about I've been in alcohol for seven years. I mean, I know,that's true, because I know what Alpoholism is because I'm acquentivewith alopholics and I was never acquinted with it before you know. Ithought. Ultimately I came day when I was thirty. One years old and Icouldn't stop drinking, I couldn't stop Ternk and I couldn't stop drinking except the fact that I was alcohol,Alcoholic and what I thought an alcoholic is, I think most people stilldo is somebody who'se, paase or Olthonen, whose life is unmanageableand so I'm an alcoholic, and I came to leave that I'm an alcohol because I'mpowsobolf all my lives on the ADGPOL and I cannot drink. I on do everythinga stay away from the drink, but I pickd up a white trip and it's all about thedrinking and I read in the book I read in the book somewhere Whene, it saysdrinking is but a symptom disease. It's not even a disease, but I think I sortof like really didn't understand that, because I knew that drinkking was thedisease. I just I just knew dercos disease, everybody was talking aboutdrinking drinkes, O he disease as long as Syou, don't drink, everything's,okay, that's the disease, and then then this fibokit says the real disease.Centers. In your mind, not your body- and I read that I didn't say it waswrong. I didn't understand it because I wasn't acquainted with the disease ofAlcoholis. I wasn't acquainted with it. You understand what I'm saying I wasimplicted with the not drinking thing, but over period of time, as I got off the pink cloud, if I wasevery on one and I got into the big reason: Life the money problems, thelife problems, the Romance Boms, the children problems, the stressesproblems, everything I Gan and I started to react to those problems. Sometimes at three o'clock in themorning sometimes worried all the time, sometimes obsessing about things allthe time. When I start when I started getting into the what it's like to bean alcoholic without alcohol to live life as an alcoholic withoutalcohol, I became acquainted with the disease of the disease of alcoholism. You know at first I didn't know whatwas wrong with me. I go up to my sponsor and he would say things well,you're, exactly where you're supposed to be whatever the fuck. That means youknow what I mean it's like me: San Ta, Criswoll Chris. Ilike that question you're exactly what you're supposed to do? You just made itin eleven years you're exactly asking the right question. You know what Imean, I'm glad it took you eleven years. You know I said Thom. I said you knowyou're asking the right question eleven years. I said you know some people gofor the rest of their lives and ever as that question they just live h y somepeople drink when they can't deal with the alcoholism and some people don'tdrink. They just live miserable lives, sover they becind dry drums, they livelives, opblied thispan...

...and I said, and so so what happens isas you go along life. The way you learn about these. How do how did you learnthat you were an alcohol? How did you learn about thes symptolises, theAlcohol Drinking Tethe, not drinking? How did you come to the boort where you,where you bought into the fact? Yes, I have to no the menins. Yes, I'm makinga decision. I go to means. Yes, I. How do you bindto that you have a drinkright? You had to suffer right, you hat to go through the pain. How do you geta new perspective by repeated humiliations, the final prussion of ourselfufficiency? Unfortunately, they do not a rescue for driving well fat andthey do not arrestue for spending money. You don't have. You know, Find Shit,you don't need to impress people your dow't life and they don't rest you forlusting. After women or Manan, they don't rescue for your lusting t have tothink theye Gan a resto for that not only they ont arrest you. If you lookat the movies on TV, they glorify that stuff. That's what everybody wants, and sometimes you don't realize thatyour your suicidal you got a million dollars in the bank or you got Ta. Youhaveit sexyou doing all that stuff that you thought was fantastic and you don'trealize and you're asking yourself. Why do I feel so? Shitty all the time, I'm nine years sober I'm going tomeetings, I'm sponsoring people, I feel okay, but it's Te Shit. Let e e Gonto get. Is this? It there's something missing, there'ssomething missing! So you go to eitings and you see people you know, maybe maybe mesomebody said well. Maybe this guy has the answer. Maybe that guy has theanswer. Maybe this pocastthe answer M and you're like you're, like in badshape, you're like almost as bad as shape as before you stop drinking. Youdidn't know the answer. You didn't have any idea why you were so fucked up whatthe fuck is wrong with me and now. You're sober in Aa and you've been doing everything you'resupposed to do with a hey that they tell you to do and you got eleven yearsand you're still fucked up and now you're, really in fucking badshape, because you have no answers. You're going to the means, you'responsoring people you're feeling relatively okay, you don't want todrink it, someone you want to drink, but like it's, but it's shit. It's Shit! It's crap! You know you're missing something. You know and now you're in that vastforty year, wast pland Wel, you trudgin and you don't knowwhat the answers and you have no idea what the answer is. Every once N, whileyou'll hear the answer, somebody will give you the answer, but you'll do with the answer. Justlike you did when they told you you got to go to meetis you'll say I ain'tdoing that Shit, because you don't realize that theanswer requires further surrender. You know you think you've surrenderedenough. You think you deserve of you. Think you deserve the permanent stepsworking in your life. You think you deserve to rock in the fourth dimensionof distance. You think ibserved as well. The work you put in when the truth is,if you don't do it a hundred percent, the result is nail and let you, unlessyou let h the truth, is Youve, never really understood what they were.Trying to tell you, even though they made it plan, they didn't say: Let go alittle bit, they didn't say, stop the drinking. They said the result is nailuntil you let go. Absolutely is Tan. Let go absolutely. They said there is one Asol POW on thatone is God? May you find him now? They said your life has to be on a newbasis, blase of trustind Relin on God. They said. If you really want to berocking the forts mention existence and experience. Much of Heaven, the greatfact is this, and nothing less than this. Your Creator, God, must become thecentral fact of your life. Your Life has the totally center uponGod. You have to believe, come to the potwhere you choose to believe that he enters into your hearts and mind in away which is indeed miraculous, and he is doing for Yo what you can't do foryourself once you make this decision. Also it'swhat you make this decision, all sorts of remarkable things arpossible. He will give you everything you need if you stay close to him andperform his work right well, and why, wouldn't you stay close to him becausehe's the only thing in your life that you're even focusing on you're, notfocusing on anything else, because you've got alcoholism and theroute of alcoholism is selfishness and self centerness, which takes a hundreddifferent formit's, a hundred forms of...

FYEAR you're, driven by self centerness andself delusion, and just making decisions based on selfand bub everything you got to get rid of the selfishness which has to do iswhy cant I have this, and why can I have that? And what am I going to havethis and we're Goinna have that if I only had this selfishness, you know Selfishas Selfsenis, we mustget rid of it. We must get the Lim of this selfishtess. We must get rid ofthis alcohol, so we've already stoppe drinking. By the way the dring is gone,the the the symptom of the seasis gone. We must getrid of the selfishness, which is the root of our disease, which senses Omind on a body, and you cannot think it away. No human power can get rid of this. Youcan magine away. You can't earn enough money to get an on alcoholic. Okay, you must get her to selfishtes. God makes that possible and the problem is you've been readingthis big book all along and you've, never really taken it seriously. You honestly, neverreally! I know. What's going on, I get it. You want to you gng to do the steps,except for the you want to do everything in the big book, except forthe stuff. You don't want to do. I get that. I understand you don't want become like a Jesusfreek and you don't want to become like one of these God people- and you knowyou guys talking too much about God and you don't want to be beon that andthat's fine just stay the way. You are say exactly the way you are and doexactly what you want nobody's Gonto. Tell you what not to do or what to do,and you can twenty years it's just as easy a twenty years to say what theFuck is wrong. I me that nine years or eleven years you know let' San to dress, hear so you get whatyou get. You know you get what you're willing to give in when y're relwillinto what you're willing to surrender it's very simple. The surrender doesn'tstart when I tout surrender anybody thinks this redo starts with the WhiteShit. It starts with a White Chit, doesn't listen what I realize now whenI wil, when I'm acquainted with my alcoholism, I probably have moreacquaintances to me, but I'm pretty aquae with my alholsm. I know it lookslike a nomone. It feels like so since I know what altcome as an feels like whatit looks like and it operates in my emotions and my feelings and my desiresand my lust and my cravings since I know what it feels like. I know I hadit when I tent was ten years old. I know I had I when I was fifteen yearsold. Sometimes it took the form of eating candy addictively, I stillremember liquors pe tells you know you can't buy em any or way at business.Sometimes it has to do with with clothes, sometimes of GOS to go withall sorts of things actually worrying about getting or having or something tomake myself feel better. Feel. Okay, if I can own the end with this crowd ofthat Crowner, the relationships R, whatever it is, my entire life tryingto figure out how to feel better than I am now because I alwayst felt like crapwither without the booze. I was an Alpo before I started drinking during thedrinking and after the Drakin you know, I have to say I'm acquaited myalcoholism. Now I'm not drinking. How do I get rid of this alcoholism? I meanthe Hypan Sanyis doing the same thing over and over again expecting differentresults. I've tried to figure this thing out. I've tried to Ferup withmoney and many times ive had a lot of money. I tri to Lert cere with sex. Iyou know that that seemed to work, except when I wasn't having it. Youknow what I mean and more time, I'm not having you knowwhat are you dohing you're not having I tra to fill with cars, but they get oldand you hat flat tires and everything like that, and you know you got to payinsurance on IM. I try to cur with everything. Nothing seems to work, no things I mean how long then some guycomes in and he says the Godhes says. Well, I'm not doing that Shit. Even though I got a book a book o. What does this say because outmols not number three? Thisis bill, Dotson who's, the man on the bed, you know andthat Tha Portait wher they have a man ebeded Doubleson bobes there with thevibleond. He called came to leave by the way- andthis is what he says on page o hundred and ninety one. It would be hard todestinate how much a has done for me. I really wanted the program and I want Oto go along with it. I noticed that others seem to have such a release. Ahappiness is something I thought a person ought to have. I noticed thatothers seem to have a release. A happiness is something that I thought a personal ohalf. I was trying to find the answer. It's just like you're trying to findTYEU NSO. That's why you're hearing in o? I intention don't know why You'e reNi you're here, not because you're just trying to figure out the answer. That's why Youre go sel me you trying to figure out the I that'swhy you go to means you're, hoping that some guy or somebody or you going tohear something. That's going to give you the answer as to why you're stillfucked up. That's why I came tolieve...

...and I know one thing about alcholcs.You may not know this. I know that we're not different we're all the same.So if I came to mediance to see whether somebody would say something to me so tat, I wouldn't feel so fucked up and I can find the answer- that's got to bethe reason. You'RE COLING MES ain't for the coffee. You know an you come in means to find out theanswer. I notice that ONS seem to have such arelease. That happiness is something I thought a person ought to have. I wastrying to find the answer. I knew there was even more something I hadn't gone and you're, suspecting that some of youare suspecting that some of you saying, though, there's abunch of bullshit. I nestand wha this guy, saying what I it do a drunklog stuff, but some of you are suspectingthat there is more just like he was thatthere's more that there's something that you haven't gone and you may even have have got to thepoint where you're willing to go n Anglan to get what that person. Has. You know that's what it says to stuffwith the steps it says. You know you develop a wee. You know some sort of way or people, soyou want what they have and you won'ty got anyway. Together I was trying tofind the answer I knew and for him Bill Wilson. Bhill Wilson was the wed. Hewas looking at Bill Wilson I was trying. I I didn't have anyh dowith drinking. He was sober bill. Wilson was so great had to do withsomething else. I knew there was even something moresomething I hadn't goten. I remember one day a week or two after I come outof the hospital bill was at my house talking to my wife and me, we weretrying. We were eating lunch and I was listening and trying to find out whythey had this release. They seemed o. They were always happy. I had a go say in my group and Iunderstood what Youwer saying she was feeling down and depressed, and shesaid I'm sick in people saying how happy they are. I said I know it's fullshit. When I had a chance to talk to- and Isaid I inerstand, I feel because I remember when I was feeinly crappy listthing I want t hear of that was from person. That was feeling great. Youknow because I niw was fucking Mullshit, I needo, you know those bullshit and I said, but I just want to let youknow something in here. You are going to meet peoplethat are happy and whether you believe it or not, theyare so. You may want to do is instead ofpursing them and Sayis fullshit. You may want to go up to him and say: Can Iask You a question: How do you get to the pint where you'reas happy a you are? You may want to ask em the question because it may not bepl shit, we're eating lunch and I was listeningand trying to find out why they had this release that they seemd to havebill. Looked the couse of my wife and said Henrietta, the Lord has been sowonderful to me during me of this terrible disease that I just want tokeep talking about and telling people. I thought I think I had the answer.Phil was very very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thingand head, given God the credit for having done it and he's so gratefulabout it. He wants to tell other people about that Sen. this the word has beenso wonderful to me, forme of his tellisese. I just want to keep tellingpeople about. It has been a sort of golden text for thea problam for me now. You can read this book Wen cover the cover and I promiseyou. I promise you in every story and everything you Coang to read in thisbook. God is going to apear on the page somewhere on the page and it's going tohave to be doing making him tesens part of your life. So I got about ten minutes on a Tay, alittle personal history about my deal. I was brought up in a middle class,awommen class home and all had to do with money and romance and sex andwhatever the American dream, and my Bible was a playboy magazine, trust meand I was going to school to go to college to get as rich and wealthy andfamous as possible. So I, and- and the only thing I ever wanted to do was now-was many females, as I possibly culd during a short period of time, and theyget married to good looking letter, have kids and be rich and have peoplelook up to me, okay and believe me, that was my Bible, and that was mystory of life. Okay, so I'm not like a bibof believing Christian brought up ina Christian family and Jerry Forwin, the Jewish kid from great neck New York.You understand what I'm saying and unfortunately, unfortunately, even though I was goingto be the new UFNER, unfortunately, I had this problem withalcohol, which for many years I thought was aproblem that I realized Ir was a blessing for me. I can imagine where I would be without alcohol. It would be a badsituation, thank God for alcohol because it brought me to my knees. It brought me to my knees: Yeah it took a long time. Thirty oneyears you know thirty one years saying why can't I have my girlfriend back orwho she with right now or you know why can't I make more money thory one years,and I can't believe this is happening...

...to me again or life is bullshit. Er isbunch of crap, but it f finally got me to my knees. wher. The only thing I sawwas a bottle and I couldn't get out of it. I got down on my knees: Inte, seven,W thosand FIF nineteen eighty and ask Jesus into my life, and what do youbelieve in Juce not does mad? That's what I did okay and said the senners prayer and I got upand I didn't go to church. I didn't do anything, nothing happened and threerabbis and two priests IDN come down with the donut saying: Hey got a nameaning going over there and Theni happened. I continued to drink, and a month later, somebody came to myhousecoal room and told me all about. Did a twelve step on me tolng aboutAubhols anoymous, and then I went to UNONJ and than I s my last tip wasJanuary. Toi Sit on the third first. I went to an ay room. I PIC E lit chip onwyt chip, not wonder, never drank aain and I did aaby the numbers and the reason I cel a YY numbers is not jus unbelieve right,Tin Gat, because I hit bottom nobody's going to do the why all the sin, sisteror Ham Body ecause, nobod's, Goin Na, do this stuff and they think their lifedepends omon. I drank enough alcohol where I'm a believer in alcohol. Ibelieve that I believe the Mont that I could be drunken that I'm palase overalcohol. What Dor you? Let me expland you what that means to me. That meansto me that I know that I'm powenol. That means to me that I know that I canbe drunk an hour from now now you may find that hard to believe. I can'texplain it to you. I'm just telling you what I E. I know I could be balanceover. I'm a powens over alple. I go to a lot of meetings just to insure that Idon't pick up a drink. Okay. Now I don't want you to think I'm sitting herwith whiting, UPFIL surbriven and I think I'm going to drink out on a MA,SOE punction ther and I feeling haven't had any feeling to drink and many manymany years, but I know in my mind that I'm powas overoutful, I'm not cured,I'm not saying hey. I never going to drink ain I'll, never say that ill.Never Gome out of Mymi' be drunkin. Five minutes. Okay, if you hear that Idrank tonight and Nour after Gim me s, well, he told us Ho Coul. Do it and YeCun Doin, I'm not one of these guys that say I can't drink. I can drink. Igot money in my pocket. A few hundred bucks I'll go out there I coand drink.I go to a bar, I could do. I know I could do it. Okay, I'm an alcoholicokay, but I don't drink alout of that and nowI also have to be convinced- and this Tokle I'm not. It takes timethings happen over time. This is like the neutral thing you know w I mean itdoesn't I'n convincid like Gomol an Dobison,got it real fast. I'm convinced that thes Ob soveris because of the VosofGod, you see. If you don't want to drink andyou think you'll drink and think that you think the only I kil to you want toand drink is God what happens? Is it's very easy for God to sort to become acentral fact in your life? I don't know that makes eneof sense if you thinkyou're going to die. If you don't worship, God trustting you become abeliever, it become, it becomes easier to become a Lib. I can. I can't explain.Yot becomes a lot easier, you know, but not everybody believes that you thinkeverybody comes in a sort of believes that, because they talk about, we say twe say the surrendy prayer beforehand, Ye San Lord prayer, most people talkabout God, Gods and all steps. So H, hat's easy for you to think that mostpeople think that God's, like a main character in this feal. But the truthis most people basically believe that you don't really have to worry about.God, don't worry about the God thing. Don't talk about the God thing mostpeople are now pop sanomis Tol Mey want to talk about the God thing, and whatwill happen? Is they learn that you can actually stay Soer? Twenty thirty yearswithout focusing on God, you can't, I mean I've, seen thatten you, MEA ATISTay Sober Ne. Just by going to mean it's not fois, Pon God. What you can't do is be rocking in thefourth dimension esistance, which O would not even drinm, you can get physically sober. You mighteven have a little happiness or a little feeling bit, but you can't haveit's like trying to bake up this. There's there's a recipe in here, hat'show you get Rocken to the fourth dimension of existence, there's a granfact and nothing less an Yeres Howe to do it. It's a recipe you know like itmake him a trothlate, Kat, you'r poring, the Mil Te pornt to this Ou. Do this ouput in the other Ini, the threes and songs on that and Bam out POPs upt, CO,Chopola Cate! You want t instead of Egge, you want to put Neg beatersinsead of milk. You want to put it. I don't know water. You know, instead offlower, you putting something you know you're going to get at cake, it justain't going to be the chocolate Kay. You know what I mean you're going toget something it's going to look like sobriety, they're going to be pickingup adalions, but there's going to be something missing, just like iy saiders,something missing. They give the in the book in the TwelveO twelve. They give the answer as how to get to the promise land. You Know Juse, OK, forty years to getto the promise land. You know fobbl me because, because had to go through thedesert time, they had to go through the tough time they had to be humilion.They Hadin things that theyre forty there's a t, there's a whole map afterthe drinking. By the way everybody in in Aa is here after the drinker. Youunderstand that touch everybody here is here after thedrinking there is no drinking after the drinking everything in Aya everythingin a book. Everything in the big book...

...is all about the answer as to how toget to the promised land. You understand you will do enough, you will everybodywill do enough butwil, not everybody. A lot of people do enough to try to notdrink. Most people won't. Do Won't do what isnecessary to be rock in the Fort Tomentionexistence. Thet just will not do it. They won't that's why the six step is the stepthat separates the men from the boys. There is a separation in A. I don'tgive a crap with you. Don't like it. I followed certain men, there wasn't hundreds of them. Therewere two or three of them in a group of two hundred. There was one of them. There was one or two men. I followedaround doing steps to what they're doing, because I wonder what they had.I sure SOMTID who want whut. You have, I feel, sorry for most alcoholics. Idon't want what they have. I want what out Kennedy had I wantedwhat you know Jose Nyder had I want to have with John Lenhad. Therewas certain men that I wanted what they had just like. He wanted wit Buil, oneLilson had the guy was say. The Lord has been so wonderful, Yeu, wantevet o.Yet I know what they had and I do know what they were talking about, and Iknow what the people in Aa most of t people around the parking lik smokingsingers were talking about the bullshit they were talking about and I didn'twor what they had. I wondered what these guys had, and so I follow what they had. I readthat thing that this is the step that separates the men fom the boys. Iunderstood that we're boy I stood, I wanterd with these guys out. I didn'tknow how to get, but I know if I hung out with Thim, I would get it andinstead of laughing at him, contemtridin investigation. You know, I understood when the booksaid we lose prejudence even against organized religion. We begin to seewhith their right where these people are riting. We encourage churchmembership. I didn't laugh at that Shit. I wonder what they had. I was willingto go whatever I had to do to get what they had. If that's what I had O do, Ididn't care when people were chuckling at me or stuff like that, you know I didn't worry about when Italk at meetings today, whether I talk about the Bible when the talk about Godor something like that or what these people are thinking about, because Idon't want what they have. I want what I had and other people. I must wantwhat I have, because I'm have to speak all over the fucking country. Some Guy said me, you know talk aboutGod, too much, Ando, mentione Jesus, I said Wel, I guess SOM. If it's wrong,they'll stop askin me to speak. I guess don't stop asking it, but I guess somepeople want to hear this deal. Some people, not everybody. You know, and if it disturbs you,whatever you the STU matter, what the cause is something wrong with you right and what does it say to six step iswhat is how is it to find this extent? How is it thus fine, the men who themen are and who the boys Ark? You know how he defines it, they define it interms of those who believe in God and those who don't did you know that, did you know the men of the men thatbelieve in God and the boys are the ones that don't doyou know? That's you didn't even know, that's how they defind it. I'm ot here gardn with anybody. I knowwhat it says, the big book it says by a well loved clergymen. This is thedefinition. The men are, those who are willing torepeatedly do whatever they have to do to become ready to give everything up,not just the drinking the womenising, the hoaring around the looking at themoney, the grabbing of the success, thelooking at all the tinkling bells and the shinyobjects of the world give up. Everything became willing to give upevery defect of character, every addiction, every unhealthy dependencyand turn away from that. Okay, the men are willing to do that defectivecharacter, O stop somefrom getting closer to God that blocks them from the sunshine ofthe spirit. Then you know the six step says. I says these ar the men whorepeatedly try to do these things, so they they grow in the image andlikeness of their creator like saints, although we are not sants but like people that are focusedentirely upon growing, even while, like me, they're screwed up and I'm nuts, I'm not a saint saints Ar Alotf thesafe fuck, that's why I won't have a mansion inheaven I'll be in the TRAILO part, I'm OKA to Trala part. You know what Imean: I'm okay in the TRAVIC Wark I like the Tril I like th UN to BeinEtrella Park. You know, but I mean that's listen, and this ismy life, my life, as at nine years, ten years Soer, I'm asking how, when wherehow's it going to happen, sometides top...

...en the SROLN says: Youever E. DO ABible study I said no, because I was scared. I was scared about when otherpeople think about me. I knew an a a that that was a no no or somethingwhatever that I thought a was about, and then I started thinking to myselfand throw Mi, and you know what a my watm I so scared of they were sided. SoI went there and I met a whole bunch of people it weren't necessarlyalcoholicalthough. I met my third sponsor had sixty years sobriety and ait was a baptist preacher and I hung around them and I startedstarting the Bible. I started semeing studying the source material. Does thatmean you have to do it now? I just id you know, and so, when you start when you hangaround people that are doing something you tend to blend into them. If you hang around the trust me if youhang around the guys I hung around with when I was Eigte en and nine teedtwenty trough, the age of twenty five or twenty six all you're doing is hangaround barbs. Looking a score, you know what I mean. If you hang around guysand Bible study, all you're doing is talking about God and reading stuffabout God and thinking about that, it's basically who you hang out with andthen I joined the church and then I became a deacon in the Church and thenI started a ministry called the wive again we pricly send in twelve thatministry and then I go to vible Sudies, and I do this and I do other things Iesponsorwe on t do a lot of stuff and I just hang around people that arefocused on that stuff and when you focus on that stuff, you think aboutthat stuff. You think about what other people are focused on as the world is happening to me, as thecancer is happening to me as stuff has happenedg to me, I'm either in AA andtalking about this stuff were Om. My boble study talking about this stuff orI'm with my buddies, who are talking about this stuff and all I'm doing, isthinking about this stuff. It's kind of crazy it' sort of like became thecenter piece of my life, and you know what I found somethingreally strange, because people say havving to stop thinking about I'll.Tell you what happened the more I focused on God, the less I sfocused on women and I'm a real woman. Hollic trust me I like them. I like theway they look. I mean I love him. I Love Them. I always do better whenthis good looking women in the front row, it's always a better mede. Youunderstand what I'm saying. STO CA't get rid of that you know, but it's the truth. It's the truth, andyou know something. You know something. It's not helpful. It's not helpful, but you know whathappens when I when I focus on God, it doesn't affect me that much I'm notsaying I'm a sant or I don't think about Ir, I'm still at attractive withus. It just doesn't affect me, like it, used to fect me having a lot of money, ou're not havinga lot, I'm basically the same goy whith theyre have a lot of money or theydon't have a lot of money. I don't worry a lot about money, even when Idon't have it. I don't worry about money when I have it hars. I don'tworry about cars, so what kind of car I have you know you know I just thethings that I used to worry about that are usely concerned about. I am notconcerned about anymore and it's not because I said to myself over and overagain a three o'clock the morning. You guys stopp thinking about this. You gotto think it. It start it started because I started focusing on God andwhen I started focusing on God as the setral piece of my life, I stop focuson everything else, which is probably when you think about it. Why they sayin the book we must get rid of the selfishness. We must artills. US Godmakes that possible. So how do you stop focusing on all thestuff? That's block you ovtin the sunshide of thever, the spirit youfocus on God. That's by the way that sermon on themount don't focus on material things, focus on things that are not material,COMCIS ongone. For me for me, for other people, if they want to do it,you could say the God in the sky, the peanut, you know the Olk tree whateverHa. That is that's your Creator. For me, I need the focus on a person. I don't know what it is. I need thefoncus on Ta person and upon a book and upon statements I need Ou, clear Dori',a guy needs clear direction. I need the Bible Belevee, I need the buy them. I needthe Dus and the dotes and the Bible, and I need everything they say not olyin this book, An the Bible, because otherwise I make up shit really. I do I figure wel. What is theGud n the sky want me to do you know, and now I figure out what he wants todo and it says Lea Hus want me to be sad. He wants to go out with that woman.You know I onc O t next thing. I know next thing. I know I'm not doing whatGod Wan I'm doing what I want to do anyway, I'm my God. I God it's great to be. I have a fuzzy God.Then you can do shit. You know what I mean te New Shit and say: Whell God told me to do it.You know, God told me, was okay to leave my wife. My sponsor toll thisgreat story, which is true when I'm Gon ta end with this Iwe're a little bitold over about this and it's a true story.Actually he heard from from it happened, T him. He heard it fromsomebody and it's so true. He said a man that he knew that waswent up to his sponsor and said he said: I'm leaving my wife...

I'll leave my wifes his wife. As Idon't love her anymore. Has Anybody ever broken up with anybody?I mean it's a tough breaking up its hard to do. Let Me Tl you a OLS TAT tosess, terrible if Youo the break teaits terrible, Fou, the Brin courds. It'sall a terrible dealing. You know breaking up is hard to do, but yeah youeveryou're lik in love with something that all Sunyon, not in love with them. You know or they're in love with you anOlson, the not love with you. You know what I mean. So guy comes up on e Sahe's married hats, kid she says, I'm leaving my wife. This is why he says Idon't love her anymore, so the sponsor says he says. Well thenlove her and he says Tho you're not listening tome. I don't love her any. I don't love her anymore. He says I heard you says: Will thenLove Her jus? No you're, not you're, not hearingme. I don't love her anymore. He said no you're, not hearig. Me Then love herloves, not a feeling. It's it's a decision. You decide to love her. You know whenyou've been married. I've been married for thirty nine years. You know thirty, nine years wor thesame woman I couldn't spend thirty five. I left a woman with a child and walkedaway from her, because I wasn't in love with her anymore. You know what that means. That means,because I wanted to go to bed with other women, because I lost thes sexualfeeling for her as opposed tother. You know what without box that's like thathappens every day of the week, because we rely more on our feelings.You know it's going to kill you, your emotions and your feelings. You valueyour emotions, your feelings. More than in your integrity, you will figure out how to leav peopleout of hurt people on rip their hearts own to do the dumbest things becauseyou feel like it. Wele you've lost the feeling, that's exactly what alcoholismis all about and somehow you will rationalize it to make it so it's okayto do that Shit. You know you're the boys, not the men. You know that guywas absolutely right. You know something. You know when Youv B withsomebody for thirty nine years, you know the the sexual attraction canleave. Did you know that thet really can affer thirty nine years? Some ofyou guys Sav Shit after Thur nine days, you know, but after one night you knowI mean you know something. You know you know what love is love making. Thedecision may is making e decision that you Goang to stay with that person, nomatter what, because you love her and you care about her and you're, going towatch over her and you're going to fill your vow and your integrity, becauseyou're, a man and your feelings are unimportant: feelings, SOF, sexual atraction or anyof that shit is UN important. So you ask me yeah, but how do you do thisbecause Myga Sat? But how do you do that? God makes that possible? How do you stop drinking? You know howyou stop drinking. You know what dos the big book say. It says, God couldn'twhat if he has Sawghit, you know, wit the big on. You know whythe big books says you're, not drinking, because God made that possible. U How you stop boaring, because Godbeen stet possible. You know how you stop doing things thataren't done, show integrity, God bakes, that possible. You don't make impossible. I hope you're, not giving yourself credit, bi, wallsn't, tee eDant Give Himself Tho predit! That's what this that's! The diseaseand that's the solution you don't have to like it, you know, and you know the truth is. Iwas telling him on the way up, and I said you know when I do these means essix step meetings. You know it's sort of like it's so weird, because I know I'm telling them the truth, and I know I have to tell them thetruth. I can't water it down and I know I sort of feelitg they'reuneasy with it. You know what I mean. I know that they don't like it. I know a lot of them, don't like it.You know what I mean, but I also know a lot of them deep down inside Arthinking. I think this is the fucking truth. You know I Felli the truth, they're so screwedby the time they get out of here. You know what I mean, so God less you thank.

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