AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 38 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Step 9 - Hardship as a Pathway to Peace and the Spirit of the 9th Step

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

It Russel spats on an Alfohol, it'sgood, to see everybody here tonight and you always shock me when you, when Educthis in in my group in some groups I'm used to for some reason I read morestuff onow, so it's, but it's it's really great to be here and you knowwhan. I went to my first. I have done Isay I drink since January, twenty F,nineteen and eighty one, a Murver satica group on a grateful alcoholic,and I suffer from a serious case in thisdisease. I mean I maybe one of them gravely emotionally disturb people, I'mnot sure, I'm working on that deal but H so listen! My I first came day a my. Iwont a one Liht on Yobe Litte Habby on I I wouldn't want to have sad anybody,but when I first of all, can you hear me I always have to do a sound char.When I first came Dami my sponsor noted I've had four sponsors, an aand,they're, all temporary and H, and all wonderful, wonderful man andthe marvels stories about all of them. But when I first get nating my mysponsor a note noticed something about me. Heindicated to me that I should lower my expectations because he noticed thatfrom time to time I would get upset at the way things were going. You know,like I go to meetings and I get upset at means ecause. I didn't like the wayto speaker shared. You know I was, I explained, O my Sponton, that I wassensitive and he said no great artist Asense in you just touchy and he toldme I should lower my expectation. So I'm going to ask you to loweryourexpectations. I know they keep ontelling me. This is a night stepmeeting, so there may be po who actually expect to hear something aboutthe night step and and I'm Gonn. I want to promise you something I'm going tosay something about the night step. I've already said something about thenight step. I mentiond that I sat, but I wi I win't promise you there'll besomething in there. Ut Te Ni step, but I have A. I have something on my heart. I want totalk about Um. You know I've been sober, well, O beforty years in January. If I make it and my my thinking about things, the way I look at thins is changed. No, we have people here that have beensober, probably thirty, eight and HOT PEOPLE ERE living sover thirty fiveyears, forty years- and I would imagine if Iasked you whether you were thinking about things and the way lookin thingshave changed over the many years- you've been in or munce you've been.You probably tell me tat the A and one of the unfortunate things aboutI'm seventy on REASSOLV and- and I don't know whether I' seen ow or notit's possible- I've been tested. My wife marched me down having tested she, she thought I was sufferingMalsheimer's or something and they they so ihave beentested an I've been clearH. of course, I was a few months ago, but it a't et. U One of the things I can't do. I find Ican't do to Ala large extent as I can't. I canno longer put myself in the position of telling you how how I felt when I had six months or what I was thinking when I had tenyears what my attitude was when I had twentyyears or twenty five years, even Thirty Years II. I had stories that I rememberthe stories and their accurate stories would sort of intucate something aboutme, but I just can't I just can't go back, which I can't get in my Tonchin,an say now I'll tell you what I can do sometimes, and this is why New Peopleare saw Accordang to me. Sometimes I'I'L I'll, hear somebody speaking thathas you know thirty days or ten years or whatever it is, and they'll beexplaining what they're Gaul to and I'll say. Oh Man, I remember when Ilent through that you know they'll help me recall how I felt, but the truth ofthe matter is, is that the only thing I really know about is how I feel today I I know how I feel today about tins. Iknow how I look at things today. Now I've decided that that's not such a badthing, maybe has something t do with Liin oneday at a time to a sort of life. Youo be right here right now, thinking aboutwhat I'm thinking about right now so so what happens is is the way I look atthe night step right now in my life. Trust me is much different than I lookat the nightstep with the ten step, Raer steps. When I had three months ortwo years or even twenty years, one of the things that happened to methat I talk about hem gets intente. That whic will be next week. Is thisconcept ofo, because part of the tent step is doingall the steps omone before him? You know remembering I just I just I'm so used to living alife of opeace.

My sponsore called at Equinimiden. I haven't looked at up, even though I'ma wors it that look it up. equinenity has to dol with h being at peace with yourself,regardless of Abov the circumstance in your life. The Apostle Paul talks aboutit. He says I've learned the secret. He cals him the secret. I learnd how to becontent in all things. You know if you're an Alcolyo like a pinteball anda pinball machine. You know you' re you're, the Suntotal will all thebullshit you bounce into every day and there's a lot of it as lifes, a humblyexperience but h, but the ability to be steady and to be a piece we just sof,regardless of the back account of the irs or the coved or or people and stuff like it. It's real,it's a real gift, it's a real gift and I think it hassomething to do with experiencing much of happenin being rockerded in thefourth dimension of existence, of which we not even drain. I think it has a lot to do with the newfreedom of the new happiness. So I'm not I'm not concerned about it Um,and so when I some one of the things that happen, as you know, on the tenstep, the talks that now an continuing to do all these things they're. Lookingfor you know, whatever you know thatspiritual accent talked aout last week whenever you're sterned matter whatthey cause, something wrong with you Continuang to look for thosedisturbances and and I've gone to my life. I've done to a poite in my lifeat my age, where being disturbed is on being disturbed. Is Unacceptable. It' Um acceptable to be disturbed. It's unacceptable for me to have peoplelive rent for him Y had, and so I I'm not only Jel zealouslyguarding my physical sobriety, but I'm really I do. I live Alife. I littlelifestyle. That's been taught to me in Aa, where IA tried to love, I tri and keep emotionalless over andone of the great things that happens with this tent step. They talk about is h after a while, you get so tired ofmaking amends youget so tired of having fear or guilt or whatever. Theemotion is with people on your mind because ofthings you've done that at some point in time. It's likethe drinking thing, I suppose at some point in time. A switch goes off inyour mind and you just you just stopped doing stupid things. You just stopped doing stupid things.You know I don'tnow estit old age, whatever it is, but Atyou know whatstalks about inspirational thinking. It says it says when it first happens, itseems sort of strange, but it says it grows and we come to rely upon it andthen it says in the Tenep it says we learn something called restraint oftongue and Pan, and so what I find is h is I findmyself taking less and less than ends, because I justI try not whatever the lifestile I lived is notdoing a lot of stupid things. So, as a matter of fact- and you know, when you really lovepeople when you care about people, you know somebody told me treat everybodylike to have a broken heart because they probably do and when you find, I think, if thisprogram Stenc safe or everything, don't you think it stands for becoming lessselfish? Doesn't the program say that my realproblem? I hear people say well, I'm spiritual, OT, religious, I'm spiritual,not religious, they stayd over and up ago. Anto me that's, like somebodysaying you know, I I'm not worried aboutpeople I mean to me: Listen I don't own Spirituell, I'm not listen, I'm notspiritual. I can tell you this. I am not spiritualy. I know enough about me.I'm seventy one years of age, I've been day almost forty years now, I'm not aspitual man left O my own devices on a material person. I worry about theworldly clambers to clambers in this world. You know I worry about money. Iworrd left my own devices. I am very, very much plugged in to thecircumstances that are going on around me. One of the blessings is one of theblessings and discerning things about yourself is the first time o gettingout of jail y? U You have to know you're in Gell in the first place, andone of the things I know about myself is partinparcel. My disease is my. Is My addiction to the things of thisworld, my addictions to the things that thisworld promotes to the things that it...

...offers? You know it says for us, thereis no middle of the roads solution, 'cause we're middle of the road kind ofpeople. You know where people anstrams and we you know we want to be likeJesus, but only if we can be like you Havpe, nor two or you know. We don'twant to think about money. It's not important, but it's just right up therewith oxygen. You know and it's it's like. We tell ourselves all sorts ofthings, but the truth of the matter is is my battle. I spent many many years ohand to hand concept handhand down with the things of this world and it's alosing proposition, chasing pleasure, chasing pleasurechasing things. In order to make you feel less lonely in order to make youfeel a pece, never never ever works it just binds you closer to those things.That'll destroy you! That's whay! I live my life before I can topall tonoms, so in any ment. As a result of that, I guess, as they say in the big book,one would expect if my problem is I'Nselfish and I'm self setter andI'ndriven by a hundred forms of fear and self delusion and self seeking, so theystep onthose bothers and they retaliate seemily without provemtation and I'mself over right. Thout, though I usually don't think so, I think I'm agood guy, an a good girle. You know just bad breaks. If that's my realproblem, then I guess the thing that I really have to try to get rid of them.What this fro will give me is, I have to get rid of this selfishness. I think that's what I have to do. Ithink I have to get rid of the selfishness and it's hard to get rid ofto Sulkisthis one. You don't even know to have you know, or even, if you admit,to a little selfishness, you're, not really, don't really see the fullpicture as to how incredibly selfish you are. So I think, if these steps,all these sters, the inventory stabs the protession steps, the umens stepshave anything to do with anything. It has to do with H, getting rid ofselfishness and the book I re called Alfalxnamas says we have to get rid ofthe selfness. We must or kills us, and then it says this. It says God makesthat possible. It doesn't say our sponsors make that possible. Doesn'tven, say a Tay set pot pass more. It does even say in a sense the steps makethat off what says God makes that possible. I think if you do the spapsand you work Thi Tat and have the right attitude and you're focused on God solike in the big book that says it says. The great fact is that God becomes thesensual fact of your life. An your life revolves around God and you'v Becomeconvinsed. Instead of doubting God, you cancome to convinced you have what Iwould call Sangin Fat, Ta, convincing Thinh that you don't apologize for andyou're on a new basis and you're convinced that God is living in yourheart and mind an Wayi US de Miraculous. I think that there will be a profoundpersonality change that will keep on growing, that you'll maintain it itillgrow to the point where perhaps you can possibly attain some sort of Stabeating where you're just H, you're, just not as selfish as you were,you actually care about people and you actually love people and you actuallywant to help people. I think, if that happens, to you, I think, if thathappens, to this a possibility. You won't do things that hurt people, youwon't you won't. You won't have to keep on making a mans or feeling guilty'cause. You won't do those things that you will be guilty for. Do that makes any sense, but in Anywat this actually he is going tohave to do with the nightstep. Why I want to read something about the nightstep and then I'm it go into something that seems like it has nothing to dowith the night step and then I'm going to brig it back to the HINSTEP. So letme read this first thing this Il by the way. Let me just Sav this for newcomers.One of the things I wanted when I first Gote volbed in the steps as I wanted tohave somebody tell me how to do it. I wanted to have somebody to tell me howto do the FORSTEP Wan. I have somebody tell me how to do thet onstead, and letme suggest you, if you're really interested in in having somebody tellyou haw POW, to do the steps. I was strongly suggest that you read the BigBook and You read the Twelve and twelve and you talk o your sponsor, who knows you're better than anybodyelse, because that's going to be your numberone toure, not one resource as to how these wodbhaw to do tat are going to bethe big buck, the twelve and twelve and your sponsor. Ok, I mean I can sit herein the cat. Wi tell him. This is how I...

...did each step and the SI a do ti step,but the BOT line is that's not really what I'm GOINGTO deat Omout, I'm notgoing to give you how to deal 'cause. I really want to talk about something.That's behind. I want to Hong about something may be a little bit biggerand different. I want o bout the spirit of the Ni to, but first I'm going tosay this. It says an step nine. I ont this Il help anybody but I'lljust la to read it. The FR. I'm going to read the first paragraph on theTWALLO Toponre, the last paragraph cause. That's no one, two paagrapsomeone to talk abouter. The first priagraph says this good judgment, good judgment, a careful sense of tim courage and prudence. These are the qualities we shal be whenwe take step. Not I'm going to read that yet yet listeness good judgment, listen, I D. I startdoing step nine. Like I was year, sobrowse, doin, sted, you,okay, Maye, you knogood judgment, a careful sense of timing, courage and prudence. These are thequalities we shall dee when we text te tapes stat nine. Now let me assure youor something based upon my working aote years and everybody I've sponsored tomyself. Nobody has that shit during their firstyear. Nobody has after in their first five years. So if that's Whin, you needto take step, mind just start drinking again, thes it's over for you, youunrstod what I'm saying it ain't going to happen. Nobody Has Goo judgmentafter the first year. Nobody has a sense of Tim, okay, courage. Forget ityou're you're, still working on excepting the things you cannot change,courage, es five or tenyeards down the road and prudence. You don't even knowwhat the Word Bea y have to look at up an a dictionary. It ain't going tohappen. Okay now so by the time you get these qualities, you'll be drickingagain. So what I misyes it's just telling you sponsor everythey do withthis step. You know what I mean: Do a for step, t pons everything andwhatever he tells you to do just do you know what I mean: That's 'cause, that'swhat you're going to do anyway, you're Gnino say what do I do about this o?What do I do about that? What I can do about this and he's going to tell youwhat to do, write the letter and you're going to say and you're going to sayyou'R mind. I don't really want to Beback, you know, 'cause, you don'thave the courage and eventually what's going to happen, if you don't want todrink you're, gont, you're, Gonn, you're Goin to somehow someway summonup some sort of courage that do this stuff and it's all going to work out.So don't worry about getting all the stuff. You don't have it. Okay, ifyou're an alcohol, it ain't going to happen. I mean I'm Ilov thisyou know,but but so you're going to do it like everybody else, does it you can goafter you spontor and say I robbed the first national bag and I took a milliondollars. What Ho' got to do about that and you on listen to what he has to say,N whenever he says you're, probably not going to like it. So that's the deal.So that's my step. Nine theory, okay, but this is what I'm really going totalk about. This is on page eight, seven of thetwelve and twelfth this is the last paergrap. Let O skip all all thedifficult stuff and Le Tle last Piagrat. Above all, I'm reading this rifom. I just wantsomething on that making this stuff up above what you always got to watch. Youalmost got to watch out and they say things above all that, above all stuff,above all, you know. Above all, we should try to beabsolutely surtn when they start using worse. Like absolutely that's likethoroughly, that's like utter. That's like utterly abandon, Yourseltin aiabsolutely. You know that's like above, that's like being convinced. You know,that's like one of them words where you know. Above all, we should try to beabsolutely sure, well that we are not the lane, because weare afraid afraid of what afraid of what afraid of, why afraid of everything afraid of people afraid of what's goingto happen to us afraid of what people are going tothink, because if we are now called fear, iste grosime thread that runs through your life. That's your whole Dealin! Your wholedeal is fear. I know you tell people, I don't Te recrat. What other peoplethink about me. It doesn't bother me and all that stuff.U, above all, we should try to be absolutely sure that we are notdelaying, because we are afraid it doesn't say you're not to t be afraidthe saying, don't delay, because you're...

...afraid for the readiness to take F, the fallco cause thereadiness to take the full consequences. There are consequences, the full consequences of our past actsand to take responsibility for the well being of others. At the same time, Iwant to get this take co, take the full consequences ofour past acts and take responsiirity for the well Beiner mothers. Nowwe allknow that Alcoholis are experts, experts at taking on full consequences of theirpast acts and taking response Ad Mo. I don't know if you're like me, if you're,not hot you're, an excuse, Aholl you're, a blameaholla you're, it's not my fauls,some other due DI. It's not my F. I would have done if you would have donethat. I am doing anything to avoid taking cosquences to avoidresponsibiley. So this is what it's Tolmus, to do, for the readiness totake full consequences of our past acts and to take responsibility for the wellbeing of others at the same time is the very spirit of step nine. So let me try to unpack this little bit.For you a little bit more forway, I can be wrong: O unpacking and Oter an packit what they're talking about. I watch, maybe you'll look extep nine in adifferent way. I want to read something from steps: Seven Oky, which may a youknow. You know some people find step nigh difficult. Did you know thatsome people find it difficult to make a mends to people the find that they findit difficult to Ti force that they found it difficult to do the fist step?They are viy difficult, h. Some peop find difficult to do estairs at some ofthese. We bought so here's what step seven says since this step. So specifcallyconcerns itself with humility. We should paus yer to consider what nowhe is and what the practice of it can mean to us. Indeed, the attainment of greaterhumility, the attainment of greater humility- I repeat things because theybear repeated the attainment of greater humility- isthe founddation principal of each of as twelve steps. I need to remember that'cause, then all what I'm saying Ow as all going to make sense. Indeed, the attainment of greaterhumility is the foundation principal of each of a twelve steps, atgusaeistathat inclusiat doclose e fit step. You know something o say the dame. Whydon't I have to tell annother human dam? Why? Why can't? I just go straight todie. Well, that would be great, don't beeasy. WOUL that'll be easy. Just just tell God what the problems are I meannot, but but because it's Humblin to go to anotherming, it's scary, the governof you being Yououngrston, what I'm saying but but there's a reason for that, and thereason is because the attainment of greater humility is the foundationprinciple. Weach ofays twelve sets Youmem youemebe reading the book. Theway we got a new perspective, his CI repeated humiliations in thefinal crushing of our sauofit, it doesn't say H, it doesn't Sayte the waywe get a new perspective. Is We just Goto a lot of Stepnan somit? As I saythe way we got a new perspective, is you know our SPONSOS and tell us how toget en you, maybe sometimes I'll, say something, but the real way we get anew perspective is by repeated humiliations and the final crushing ofourself sufficiency. You know sometimes Il can talkto somebody in they ag or maybe they're, not in eight yet, andI'm I'm I'm doing the best talk. I've ever done in my life, an you knowsomething they're, just not listeniing they're, just not listening. It hasnothing to do with what I'm saying you know what it is they haven't beencrushed, yet they hadn't put it and put in a position where theywere eveninterested in what I' Sayn you know, there's no use. There's you know,there's no use. You Know Li Chaseing, the rabbing up that tree. U Know it'sjust not going to happen: You're not going to get there anyore for withoutsome degree of humility, no alcohol can say sober at all. Nearly all age havefound too that unless they develop much more of this precious quality, they maybe required for mere sobriety for somevriety. They still haven't muchchance of becoming truly happy truly happen. Would any of guys like to becomturably happy? Would you like to be...

...rocking in Thafort tomention existence?Would you like to experience much of happening teos just words they sort ofthrow in the big book. Without it they can not there too muchuseful or useful. They cannot dear to much useful purpose or in adversity, beable to sun the faith that can meet any emergency, that's equanemity, so those are the twoings I wan. Iwanted to read you who Afri wacons or something that m you may think, has nothing to do withthe spirit of the nine step, but I believe it does so I love I love the the the. I don'tknow how many people I've ever heard the the long version of the suring peryou know, there's a long version of Thi rery Prack, I'm not going to read thewhole thing, but I'm going to read part of it. Itsays God grabbing the surreunding to accept the things. I cannot change the courage, the change of things I canand the wisdom thos difference living one day at a time enjoying one momentat a time, excepting hardship as a pathway to peace, except in hardship asa pathway in peace. You know, you know, I think some people and I may be wrongabout this. You know I've been wrong before it's possible. You know, I think some people think when theycome to Aa, that thing's Gongna Gong to get better that they're, not gongto have nme oncethey. I think they think is thit that once you stop drinking your problems will be over. I don'tknow I noer I to take a boat here. I know many people came day and said.Well, once I get the drinking in hand and I stop drinking, my problems willbe over and I can tell you this for me. Certainly problems that I had that were directlyinvolved with the consumption of alcohol like being arrested. Fodea likethe money I spent on Outt problems that had to do that were directly had to do with drinking alcohol. They went away. Ididn't have to worry about that. There ere only two other problems. I Ito worry about. I don't worry about problems that wereconsequence of my being an alcoholic, in otherwords, because the drinking was the SYMTHOM, my disease, my real disease,centers in my mind, not my body. It has to do with emotions that cause me to dostupid things that hurt people has to guilt and fear. So those problems Istill had to deal with Oky and it had to do with other things and the otherthings were this. Those were things that happened to me in my life that were bad things in the sense that I thoughtthey were bad and they bothered me. Then I did nothing nothing to cause.You know somebody runs into me, runs a red line and runs into me. You know Imean you know I I mean I'm not talking about being broke, who shou spend moremoney than you mak I mean that has to do with my spending patterns. Oky, I'mnot talking about I'm talking about when you're minding your own businessand the meteorite falls out of the sky. You get fired whatever the heck. It isin Lihe that we'll have to deal with I W wh. What I ultimately realize is that life is very, very difficult. We live in a fallen world. I mean thatmay sound religious to you when it is, but it's the truth. We don't live in aworld, that's friendly to you. You know the World Os, not revolvingaround and saying. Let's I'm looking at Rebeckaa Lising, what cal we do to makethings easier on REBEC. You know what I mean that just ain't happe, okay, welive in a world where we have billions of people and nobody's thinking aboutyou and that I really cared you don't care about your feelings. Youunderstand what I'm saying and the weather doesn't care about you, andnobody really cares about you. You know, and, and the bottom line isn't whatthey care about is themselves, and sometimes there's locom, and let metell Tsom life is a very humbling experience which, quite frankly, ifyoul look at it, the right way lose the way. I suggest you look at it and Thi'sthe way the big books suggests to look at it. I think when you look at it'slife is a very homely experience, which is a good thing, because humbling isgood for us. You understand this. This is the thingthis is the book of Janes that they're als the three books that they studyed,that were absolutely essential, was first quithe, thirteen sermon onthemout in the bus of James, and this is why your old ideas have to leave you. The old ideas have to leave...

...and you have to start getting into newideas. Now here's an old idea, an old idea, is when bad things happen to you that cause you distress and fear thatthat's a bad thing. This is about the time that peoplestart leaging, the meeving UNSTA cause they figure oun CR. They think I'mcrazy, which is fine, but it means the'll, never get this. Okay, you seehere's a here's, an idea that you've had ever since birth that whensomething bad happens to you really bad people dying, you get cancer all thatstuff, that that's a bad thing, and you should be upset about that and, of course- and you think, if I saythat's, not a bad thing that I'm you think, I'm crazy. I understand thatthese ideas woul Gett an a a and from the book of Chaneer, absolutelyrevolutionary. Doesn't it Sam the big book that that the Grat Facton is notis? Is this and not beless that our whole idea about life? It'srevolutionary? We have a revolutionary idea, you know so so what happens in Aais people come day and they stop drinking, but they continue with theidea that bad things that happen to them are bad ar dad and in the book a James Says,wit e Boo e Jan says. It says: Rejoice, rejoice when you have trials of manykinds, because if you focus on God and Youkeep your faith and you persadere through hard times, you will mature your faithal mature Y. I was talking to a guy who has overthirt years today and was like talking to a ten year old like talking to a ten. You know you nowyou don't you don't want to be around people that haven't suffered. You don't want to be around people thathave H, lived a charmed life and never had a problem. These are people without characterwithout strength and not grownups. The children you're inimitable to your health, the sponsors. I look up to the people Ilook up to in a the sponses. I had were people that went to incredibledifficulti and didn't drink and survived and just had incrediblestories stories that seemly had to do withhorrible things that happened to Hem, but somehow they overcame the world. You know there's a reason why They'eSeng the Big Book aboutchops anonymous the way we grow up and get a newperspective, his by repeated humiliations and thefinal cuestion of our self sufficiency, there's a reason why they say H, bookalcolls, anonymous job or no job, wife or no wife, we're not GOINGTO overcomedrinking. Unless we focus on God, you know it has don't Menn alcohol say heneets his wite back Ha Nees, his kids back, I USS Hat. He says they saynonsense. Of course, I would say Bollshif you don't need anything. Allyou need is to focus on Gode, there's a reason why they say in the twelve andtwelve we learn o value of suffering. Why they talk about how most oucots runfrom suffering complain about suffering. Do anything to avoid suffering and runaftter pleasure. They never think that, maybe perhapsit's possible that they're going through that that God is using thesuffering for reason to mold them into the incredible person that they'regoing to be which, if you happen to be involved in the six step, which is astet step that separates the men from the boys, then you're involved insomething where you're growing in the image and likethiss of your Creator you're going into somebody who whodoesn't necessarily avoid suffering but could somehow in a class way just walkdthrough suffering. I mean I mean that's the people we lookup to. We look up to like the mother Teresas of this world. We look up tothe people this world that seem to go through all sorts of suffering and dothings and difficult situations and come out on the other side and they'reunselfish and they're. Only caring about helping people. That's to people,we look, we don't Lok, we don't. We don't walk after the cry. Babies then I'Le Cridathese are thumb suckingprie babies. We don't do that. You know we look the people that seem to besteady, no matter. What's going on when I? Finally, when I got to thepoint that I was nine years sober, I mean what are they talking about whenthey say things like? We learn the value of suffering. I mean you know they have lines in thebig book and in the Twelve and twelve that are serious, serious wines thattell the whole story and people sort of gloss over 'em cause. All they want toknow is how do I do this? How do I do...

...the forstuff? How do I do the fist?They don't look at the they don't look at the real serious lines, because youknow why 'cause they think thats folshit. They think it doesn't apply.They think they think how it' said. Oldhow am I going to okay,it's one thing to do all these sets of nothing to STU, to it's another thing:to have an attitude like the Dung Ad Nihe step, where you are grateful for everything.That's happened you so when I was nine years, Sober Andi'm going to try I'm tryg to makethis fast. You know and I'll try to do. This won't do justice to it. UT IUS noyou're sober iup. I started going to bytle study 'causemy a Cupi my spot, a couple of spots as died. I had sponsored, I got em goingto go, how I I but I I went into the deal and- and I started studying theBible, which was the source material from Aa, and I read the book of Joe. No I'm not going to go into a wholehistory of the book, a job it happens to be the oldest book in the Bible, theoldest book, if the Bible believe or not how many people know that it's aweird stor, it's AL, weird story. You know- and I read the book and I'm goingto give it th, I'm going to give o the story to book a Jol. I'm not can to dowith justice in three minutes three or four minutes a day: Jove as anincredible human being God loves Joe He's crazy about you, Joe, is the bestguy on the planet. EARH and God is having a discusial with one of theangels that happens to be Savin, and it says what do you think about my guidjoke and H and Setan said he says thisn't Ne The bradest. He loves mehe'll, never lieve me he's the greatest guy in the world and Savan says he'sthe greatest y in the world, because you give him everything he wants. He'sgot. Seven kids he's got seven he's got seven sons he's got seven daughters,he's got all this cattle he's got all this money. You know like he's livinghigh in the hob he's Toin gravhes like a billionaire. That's why he loves youso much tat' PA, so GRE Iy. If you remove your protection fromme, wouldn't love O, and so God says the Samesays I'll. Tell you what youcan have all that stuff. Do whatever you want with Jou. Do whatever you want,Ta job, but don't kill him so sa he goes down. He kills all hiskids. He basically kills all his kids. He bankrupt some kills all his life.Stop. He takes away his house hand kicks some Ou job's wife. Does what most wives dothey say? You're an idiot you angt to curse God. Job Says: No, I'm notEtersgod, no matter what I'm e Sol I'stobly truth. God is still Goin, Oprety to God his friends tell him the reason this ishappening to you is clus you're, an idiot because you're being punchedbecause you're a jerk when God things your judge, Jurgo, he says I'm notgoing to Curgot, no matter what happens, I'm not in the clerk Gott Allso, Oterrible things happen, tat, Jo and in the end he never loses faith Nin God.He persevers, like it talks about in the book of James And God. And whathappens is he gets all the stuff back plus more? So I read that I read that book and Igot to be honest with it. I didn't get it. I didn't get it. I I don't get the book.I like new testment stuff, there's a lot of love and stuff. I don't like thestuff where good guy, I don't like the stuff, you knowis. The first thing Iget from atheas. The first thing I get made B is is this: If there is a Lovein God how come badthings happen to people how Comvayeti Theyta thins a a difficult thing? Ididn't get it. I mean why woul love and God cause stuff like this happened, ajoke and limiting what happened to me. What happened to me is U, throughout my first ten years ofSoriety, I had some real problems with money. Basically, because I was I was I wasgreedy and I was lost ful and I was envy and I always spent more money thanI had to buy things. I didn't even need to impress people, and so I always,even though I made a lot of money, I spend more than I a apparenly Gong todeat. So I was even though I was sober and I was doing everything you do inthe program. I was always worried about Finan and I didn't even understandbecause, because I thought we were supposed to lose financial, what is itin security- and I remember telling Ral Keith: When am I going to be rich? I'vebeen n a nine years and said you're never going to be rich, you're, alwaysGNTO, be Brok. Just won't bother you or something like that and en that's thedeal but but Isso, and so, but what happened is no matter what happened tome in AA during that first ten years I never stopped fopsing I've gone. I never stopped folk soon I' got. I never stopped going in the meetings.I never stopped praying I never stopped doin th thut. They were telling me todo as a matter of act. Devenity I piled it on more. I went to vible study andthen and then we had this tig thing in...

...the in it was a few years ago, with thisbig morning thing and I had a real problem. As far as H, my house was foreclosed on tit, neveractually went through it. I mean there was and I had kids I had a bunch ofkids and I'm about to lose my house, I'm an AA, you know and Al Sort ofstuff, and I never I never always I always um I focused even more. I've got. I just turned it over to God. I justturned it over to God. I said you know some whatever's going to happen. I'mnot going to lose faith but everything's in to work out. I turnedit over Ogon and I just did the stuff was supposed to do and then a few yearslater- and while this is going on by the way, I don't want to think th tlife. There was a lot of other stuff happenin, I mean smaller stuff thatwould be happening. I'd be turn it over to gone and doing more things with agod thing and Work Iwas saying then, a few years later, um they told me I hadcancer. I had skin cans or somesort of weirdcancel where they had cut my neck opened and take stuff out and filt teradiation in three minut. I was about fifteen years o eighteenyears ober. When the when the doctor told me I Canswer. I remember thinking o myself. I said you know. If I die, I die if I live. Ilive I'm silly with God's hands. That was it. I was that just did what theytold me to do and they did the operation and I had builthin radiationtrea an everything like that ton a few years after that they diedthose we w prostrant ancer, and that was you know I did whateverthey told me to do w, and that was acdeal and I just turned over to Godand and one day I woke up at twenty fiveyear, sober and h. It was already I didn't have to turnover anymore ECAUSE. I was there, you know what I mean. I explained it. I I Iwas living and turned over life. I was living a life where I was H: Folt Ison, O di going to church. I went to gon toserces twice a week, not because I had to e, because I wanted to. I was theworship leader in H, a baptist, the trunicial Baptist Church and going a couple of Bible studiesgoing to many more aviens that I was going on twenty five years. Oler I wasgoing to Mor am n twenty five years, Ober spotor more people than when Ifirst came in and- and you know what you know- whatHappenedu the story of Jon made a lot ofenstament. All of a sudden, all of a sudden, thestory of job made a lot of instument that that the only way you find peace in the thing we're in right nowalcohols anoos is through hardship this to hardship. Most people don'tunderstand that doing this deal with faith in God,while experiencin heart Yo Tro des Te, storyof Jobe, is all our stories. If you're in Aa you're going tough thejokes, then it's going to happen to you one way or the other and you're eiter Gonta you're, evengoing to feel sorry of yourself or be pissed off or whatever try to manage the deal andtry to control the deal. You Gon to trust more and more n Dodand this whole thing the night step, the fit everything they ask me Tobodoing Aa everything they ask me to Doin AE is counterand. Tulit goes against whatI want to O. It's all designed to humble, because in order to get closer to God,I need to be hold. You know the fith step is a Humelanexperience. Why do we have to do thes viit? Why we have to talk to people?The forestep is a humbling experience. The Nice step is a real humblingexperience. Tant step is all the experience, the twelve step to be anUBWI exsperie. There's no step in this field that is n getting up in front ofa group and picking up a lhite chip ies a humblingexperience. Let me tell yousomething talking to people wher, I'm talking to you right now, if you're analcoholic, you know and usually you're scared of people in their judgment,it's a humbling experience everything they ask you to do wit, how hallsanonymous itis a homely experience. People come down CALCONAMAS, they wantto be lifted up, they want excitement, they want pleasure, they want happiness,they don't want this fullshek. They don't want the problems. They wantto complain about the problems. How many years does Yiu Takk to get tothe point,...

...but not only dio. You accept theproblems. You thank God for the problem. How many years does it take were themind changes so INPRC? What does it say, ideas, motions and atitudes that theguiding force of these men's lives are switched on one side and they becomedominated by a whole new set of ideas, omotions and attitudes. Elast thing, I'm going to say is this: This is sort of like an ninestep thing. I I am I've always uh. My whole life is up until coming toALPOLSANAMAS. Was a life o running around? Looking for the woman? That'sgoing to cure me, you know looking for her, okay and H, I'm not the only onecause. I hang out with guys in bars. You understand what I'm saying and Ican promise you, I'm not the only guy. I was hanging out in a bar looking forshe looking for the woman that was going to solve my problem, at least forthat night. Ok Am O, and I I can't telk how many timesI fell in love with women and h. One day I saw a woman. I fell inlove with her and I said to myself: If I can only have that cal then marrythat gown everything would be wonderful, you're like idols for them. You know, and I was in love every other day youknow, and so I and so I I married that Gow Thon, we had a child and we had abeautiful house and we were married and she was a nice gown. She was an nicescale so now and about a year after I married her Um. She wasn't doing it for me anymore. Youknow what I mean in other word. She wasn't. She hadn't changed, but whatever that thing is, that was saying.If I could have her now, I was looking t a other woman, I said. Well, I couldhave that one I'd be okay, or if I got that it's like it's like a car, youknow. If I coan have that car beal can then you get that car and you want toget another car. You know what I mean and now that probably sounds prettyshit junstand. My my making women and wanting hat women sort of like thesame thing as cars, but the reason why it sounds shit is 'cause. I was aShitny Guy. I was a Shitty Guy. I was a crappy selfish doy O sa. No I'mnot staying that ragedosious, but I'm just being honest with O on telling thetruth. You know and that's the deal and UH I'm sure most of you were not as bad asI was, but I was a Shitty noy. So I I divorced that wife or least Cosser theMorse Ma and H, and I did some crappy thingsthat Marr you know I mean I did some crappy things and I'm not gi going topest taste too much time. I mean the way I treated my wife and when I camehome at four o'clock the morning almost every day and with a child at home andstuff like that. So when I came to alcohol's anonymous, thank she was onmy astep list and I had to make emenste. I tell his story because it's becauseyou know it's a story that needs me toll for several reasons, but you'll figure it out with her some dayit apflies to you. I had to make a mentere we've been married. Five years now wegot divorce. I PA my child Sopor. I did all that sort of stuff, it wasn't ahorrible divorce. I heard her my inlaws, and so what happened was I heard shewas havin operation. She was in the hospital and H, and so I went up to the hospital to seeher and a had abelt year and a half or something like that, and I and e we had o talk. It was oneof one taut. She was in a hospital bed and I I explained to her I exoke to my sponsor about this too. Iexplained to her that H. I was wrong the way I treatedit and- and I went to this the whole thingabout everything I did. I was wrong. I explained her about being an alcoholic. I told her how Sry I was, but I reallyI was more than Beim sorry thing. Caus, the unsorry thing to me is bullshit.What I want to let her know is that I was wrong and she was a good woman andI treated her badly and I was wrong and you know it's funny. She looked atme and she said she thought she foodo and you like that. I came home drunkevery night, it's four o'clock in the morning and she like she wasn't a goodenough wife I wouldn't have never suspected and- and we we, I said,listen not only were you not wrong? Not only were you fo, perfect weren't, theperfect wife Ad Yo stayed with me. We would have never been able to talk thisway. The smartest thing you did was the...

...horseman and- and I left that deal andI made my mands and ever since then, we've been OK, we've been friend theWEL seech. She lives up north. I live down here. We have a beautiful sonwho's in his footies, now a hunch grankids and a so. I made my amends onthat. Okay on that deal, and so I don't have to sit around here in my head. Younow worrying about that kind of stuff. I don't have to worry about meeting heror seeing her she's, not living Red foree in my head, but I wan I want. Iwant to say something to your for whatever it's worth just agesseanybody's go throg. This an she's never actually come up in mymind in many many years, but somewere along the way, and I think it's because I have a bunchof daughters. I have three daughters and I have grandkids and everythinglike that. I'm sort of like in the position my my inlaws were in when Idivorced her somewhere along the way I started realizing. You know it says inthe big Bak you know I may the Ame. I don't live in that deal in revorse,but I realize something I realize that, no matter what I do and what I did tomake amends for that thing, I can never ever ever make it right. I can never ever make it like it didn'thappen. You don't like that thing. On TV, it'slike like the Water Dab Oses, like you've, never happened. I can't put itlike it. Never happened, I can't make it like the hurt, neverhappens. Le There'll always be a scar and and that's Shat. I makes me sad inone sense, but I got to be honest with you. I got to be very honest with you. I actually on I'm I'm not unhappy about tha I want to. I want to have a C. I don'twant to be a person who thinks I don't have to. I ave noconcern about that. I want. I want to be able to reflect on the fact as to the damage I cause and what kindof monster I could be if I didn't, if I ever stopped folksinon God for helping other people, I I happen to think for me Os your basic Erican Kno, it allasshole for something like me, that's a good thing. You know it has some t do with havingit conscious. I don't look at it as a bad thing. Okay, it's a bad thing. Ifitgets him to self pity and remorse t's, IT'S NOTAT! It's not! That kind ofplace does not hae O by that place. In my mind and O ippies a place in my mindthat I know what I'm capable of, without God, I know what I'm capable of,without God in my life Solv in in any min sort of helps me. So I don't know whete. That makes anysense, but you know, like I don't know where whether anyoy said makes anysense, but it's the truth. I mean that's whyt. He Need Goda, you knowjoin if Goodami S, you know be sincere, and so it's the truth. So chances are.If we have the same disease, you know maybe I'll help. Somebody so thank youvery much. That's IT and of Storm.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (92)