AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 37 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Step 8 - The Spiritual Axiom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

Your my name's Russells Batt on aalcohol, that's been to see you guys here today and can everybody hear me Ihave to ask Thatus, you know it's. I hate to go for a whiletalk and then find out. Nobody hurts I'm talking to myself. So I'm I'm amember of CATIXI group and I havent found Esterday I've drink since January, twent, F, F, N, Ninetden andeighty one. So so that's that's my deal. That's mysituation and I I would like to m before we start. I just want to pointout. I'm not perfect. I dont know think I want to say thatfor that's probably S, here's a reason. I Want I' sure that it'll come up later on. So what one ofthe no I' I'm still an alcohol. I have my moments. I actually have in momentsas a matter of fact, if you don't elieve me, I will invite my wife and here fromAlenon our ladies of professonal, revenge and she'll, explain to you, andshe always explains to me that I've never actually changed at all. As she says me all the time. Mister AaHowhow Baut. If I just go down to the south DII room and tell them whatyou're really like, so I just sort of I started living. Oh Lord, but H, there's no use my talking to her aboutForgivin this of the a step or any of that stuff is really wouldn't work atthis point. But we've been married for thirty nine years ien because its allabout relationships IV, then relationship with this young lady for along time and UH. We like each other in a way, so I'm not sure how that goes.But you know we're we just hang out together, whahe' She's watching married at first sight right now. If Iwasn't with you, I'd be watching that with her you know, and an night Gointo Waso. I I sort of feelsometimes a little bit like like a fraud o o about the at step. You know Mit's going to be whatever it's going to be all over the place, but h there maybe something in there for you. You know whatever you know at these practes, youcan't be too Yo, know pay, but I'm I'm done to talk a little bit about thea step, an forgetness and relationships and I'll probably mention God from time o to time. So I in a weirdsort of sense, I sort of feel like a fraud. I think C. Confession is goodfor the salts, I think II'll think I'll confessor, they say tho say the onlything you need to do in order have good a a meeting is to be sincere and onceyou learn how to fake that you got it made so yo. I think I'll. Just try tobe. You know, Wen an doubt. Just tell the Tuth so I'll just try to be sincere.I I've been doing step series. You know series like this ever since I was youknow, you know six years Soer, you know so I mean you kN W, I'm not in sure I'mseventy one years old, now, a d I've been doing these ceptaries for a longtime and in a strange way. I think I I really was a lot better at these things. WhenI had like ten twelve fifteen years- in other words when I was and oo this asGona make when I was when I was in the the thick of the battle, you know whenI was when I was you know when you're first coming toCalksnn Tis Ono bed, Youa'm just going to talk about Dawhen, you first comedown calt anoms, it's very strange. The language is strange. How they talk isstrange, they use they use concepts. They set the sains like turn it over.You know, take your inven, I mean just the cok just to understand what theheck they're talking about, and you know you know how they say. The way youget a new perspective on things to even understand what they're talking aboutis is by repeated humiliations to the final crushing of ourself sufficiency,saw a a lot of really this stuff going...

...from the head, so the heart requires Yot hang around for a Lolg time, Yo get the crap beat at t. You know you justyou just have to go through the desert and get the crapeet out. You know it'ssomehow, even though you're slammed and slammed and slammed by life, it's like every day, something else orsomebody I mean you're sober and you feel good about being sober. I guessyou'd leave and you like your meetings and you're you're really involved. Ifthe struggle you learn the value of something you're really involved in thethen the complaining and the struggle, and you need a sponsor and you'rerunning around and you now. I don't know how many peopleare new here, but you know your first five or ten years. You feel sometimeslike you're running around, like a chicken with your head, shopped offnormeally, knowing whet you're, doing try to figure out how to stop thinkingabout this or do this or solve a problem, cause wor problem people and-and you think, you're really not getting the thing, and you know youmeat sponsor. But of course, then some Spoto says well, you haven't had adrink and that's right too, and they sait. You need people to lift you upand you know n in the steps when youfinally start doing them and- and I hope ' and I think I'm probably talkingto people that are involved in the steps. Maybe there are people here thatmost of e people here, I think, have been around for a while, so you'veprobably done inatestep Oky, but there may be some peope her that have threeor four or five months. I haven't done an eight step yet or o nine sevenhaven' gone through it, so n wh. When when you first start doing the stepsthey're like different, I mean they all go against our nature. They all have todo it with humility. You know gain more humility, they're all they're, alldifferent. I mean one of one of the consequences of being Alpohoit, saysunlessen. So an alcohol eccesses oos, an all s consequences friin beprofarious, one of the conseuents of being in Altcoholcis, of course,understanding that you're delusional and you're crazy and you're fearful.And you got all this selfishness thing. You don't really think you have. Youknow and me incuse yourself, overright though you usually don't think so andlearning about all these crazy things with yourself- and you know I mean Mike,you know we have this. We have this spiritual acion, it's a tense step,spiritual axium, but it actually it plies across the board. You don't haveto necearily wait till the tent stepd to get it ecause. You get a lot of itin the forestep in the fifth step and and the spiritual axium is, wheneveryou're disturbed. No, I wan I'm gong to tall slowlink,because this is a very important deal and I know you guys all notice. So whenI talk slowly, it's not because I don't think you understand it, but sometimesI think w we talk slowly. Sometimes you can hear one wine. Let me Tal some. Ican do an hour just on this one stat I mean this. One Line is so important, sothe spiritual acts him. That means it's ACAMATTIR, then e. You have to acceptit. I personally believe how well you're going to do it AA? Howwell you got to mature an how long you Gow last depends upon how seriously you accept what I'm aboutto say and this Isnin my thing this is. This is a Benrock of a it's, aspiritual accient that whenever you're disturbed no matter what the cause there's something wrong with you. So I think I'll repeet that whenever you're disturbed year, Alchi'm talking oposis likeninety six Appahos here so so I would think, unless you're constitutionallyincapable of being honest with yourself. If I'm talking about people oe honest,I'm probably talking about people that understand what it's like to bedisturbed O, but some of you were even disturbedtoday. There may be people on here that says:I've never been not disturbed. I don't even know what it feels like to be notdisturbed. You know I haven't yet been...

...rocketed an I forth dimension ofexistence. You know so. Here's the I had a guy called me up the other dayYo at twenty four years. No, no! This gg called me up actually at six years,and he was. He was incredibly involved in a majorcomplaint about how disturbed he was because of had something do with worrying aboutwhat people were thinking about him. You guys wouldn't understand bat. He hewas concerned about people thinking about and what they were going to thinkabout. It was either what they were thinking about, what they were going tothink about what they had thought about him. He had people on their mind. Youever have a purs. You ever have a person on your mind. That's like bothering you, you know the you know it's just thewrong doing. Let me tell o how sick we are. They said the wrong doings ofothers, fancied or real. That means, like Imaginary Shit, then Hav to do ino. We just imagine it. You know you ave, rit nois, and this is going toget I'm Gong to get off in the weeds. Now, don't get scared. This doesn'tnecessarily apply to you y ever ver. Think about you know Woen, it be niceif somebody died oeverything about killing people and stuff. Like that, Iknow you guys aren't that sick. You know I mean listen. I'm a father offour I'm grandfather of seven. I graduated, as you know, I'm a lawyerand everything like that. If you look at me from the outside, youwould think I'm a pretty. You would probably think I'm like a stable guyand stuff like that. But the truth is, I spent many many years before cominginto e in quite a few years after come a day so to thinking that if only thisperson would die- or maybe I could kill him in a horribleway so that he would beg for his life. I spend many years driving in a car towork with with an imaginary machine gun on the front hoot of my car blowingfamilies of four up, because I didn't like the way they dri. You know this iswhen you see I understand if you have like a mild diversion of alcoholism.You know you might not get that but h, but I I there's a possibility that Ihad some issues regarding hate. I I I never mildly dislike people. Ijust hated them and I thought they ought to be punished. I was you know, that's you know justand you know when you live alive, where you hate people, because you feel threatened by them.Whel they do something to you or or whatever it's Wednesday. It'sWednesday, you might as well hate 'em. You know you're going to hate somebody,you don't like the way your life is going. WHO KNOWS I've? Never I neverreally stopped to analyze it, because when I hated somebody there was alwaysa reason. So you got this spiritual assol whenever you disturbd, no matter what the cost there'ssomething wrong with you nowlet me tell you wheer, that's an axiom for us andwhy it's so informan that I accept that thing, because, because the way I think the way I the way, I think is thatwhenever I'm distirbd no matter what to cause, there'ssomething wrong with you. I think there's something wrong withLaurie. If I'm to started this summer, Ote, John, this I'm wrong my job, Tisume on my country and when I get disturbed because there's somethingwrong with you. What I do is, I saw a fantasize about killing people andhurting people, and you know Ho you know feeing a victim and feeling SARCmyself and that's the way I've been. I cannot remember a time that I wasnitthat way where I wasn't Wa, where I didn't havebad thoughts about myself and other...

...people. I cannot remember a time when I didn'thave bad thoughts about myself and other people. I came from an Alcoholihome, my mother was drunk now she eventually came Daw and she got soberand I loved my mother, but I hated her too because she was a depressive and livinglife with a depressed alcohol setting on a bar drinking and being at Aa, andyou ne, you know when you live in an alcohol home when you come home, younever know what you're going to find. When you go out to dinner, you neverknow what your mother's going to SCANC stand up and start yelling andscreaming and making a scene. You never know wheteryou're going to find you'Ron the front, Laer or eglege passed out. You know and I'm not blaming myalppholism on my mom. I I personally believe I would have been an alcohol,even if I had a sober, mom or anything like that, it just sort of gets you alittle. I guess in the emotional part of your life, but the bottom line is. I cannotremember a time where I wasnin capable of somehow someway hating somebody orpeople or groups of people in my mind and thinking if they were only dead orif they only changed or if they only did this or honly did that. I my lifewould be better that the reason I'm the way, I'm is cose, O you or him orsomething- and let me take some- I I didn't needdrinking to feel that way. You know that's just the way I felt without thedrink. That was, that was part in parcel becthat's, a consequence ofbeing an alcoholic to have bad feelings about yourself and other people, and that happened before I came beforeI started drinkingduring the drinking. Let me TA s after I stopped drinking itcontinued. I can't even imagine how many times I Ieither shared a meeting, or I went up to my sponsor how many times during thefirst ten or twelve years, even while I was doing the steps, how many times Iwould go, feel bad about something or or not feelgood, because I was either mad at somebody or I was worried aboutsomething somebody or I had some people in my life that I was worried aboutwhat they were thinking about. ETHAT's just there may be people here listeningto me right now that are in the midst of some sort of obsessive, convulsivethinking about a person or a group of people that they can't get out of theirmind. It's just just just killing hem and even if they talk to people about'em and say this is the problem is the problem. It seems that it almost makesit worse for where Oror keeps on coming back. You know and h when you have mind like that, it's very hard to it's very difficultto have decent relationships with peoples. Very, it's very difficult tobe happy. You know, and that's part imparcel. The alcoholism that I had aLivin, that's what I had to deal with so in any mant. So when I yelled so the reason a. Why do I feel like afraudo t, so here's the deal when I was in the midst of dealing with this withpeople and dealing with these be anger and dealing with the work. So this Gy,I told hi, was funy. The Sky called me up yead like six years. I onlleave thatstory and he was in the midst of the battle, the battle in his mindabout people, and he was feeling really bad, and Isaid to El, I said: Well, you know now he says t I said: How does that feel,and he said it feels horrible, and so I said well now you know why youdrank now. You know why you drank cause foryou. Sobriety feels horrible. You know it says an says in the bigbook that you know it's possible O be...

...sober and not happy with your with yoursupriey. So so I spent many years in alcoholsanonymous where, whether you like this or not, I had tobe just satisfied with not drinking. Now, I'm not putting down the notdrinking thi, my sponse used to say rust, no matter how many things gowrong with you in your life, no matter how bad shit gets. You know what I meanif you havenat hod to drink today, your a success and many times has one ofthings used to say: O, isn't anything so bad that can happen to Dou in yourlife that a drink will make it worse. So for many, many years in my life Ihad I had o hold onto the idea that no matter how worried I do no matter howbad things go, no matter how scared! I was about the money about the wife,about the kids, about the boss of the judge about the case than if I wasn'tdrinking. God was taking care of me and I was sixI just had to hang onto that deal and in a sense I still hang onto it, butwhen you're involved in the fight, when you're involved in in that fight andyou're and you're you're going to meet it and you're speaking to a sponsor andyou're doing steps and you're doing a fortstep or nemen toward tep, or thisstep or you're talking to people or you're wrinting down names or you're,trying to Forgev peopleing because you're just trying to stop thinkingabout the bullshit. You know when you're in the midst of it in in a real strange way, it's easierto do. stepsirts it's easier to to step series becauseyou are like involved in seriously working the SEF. Do you understand whatI'm saying you're involved? I mean I mean the easiest wayto meet for me totalk about T, daystep and say: Hey, listen, I've Donteag, step, I've doneimmantor stuff! This is what I did and I coald sit here and tell you what Idid the names I put down and all that sort of stuff and that's like a Stepp,I'm just telling you MI ihow, I git the steps. You know I mean I used to go toLin of meetings where guys were doing the step series and they' say this ishow we did the staffs okay Makbi, not so much as why they did thestaps or what the effects woele going. But I mean this is how you do it. Youknow it's not something that comes.Naturally, when you hate people and your man at people, you're scare, youknow it's not something like the fourstep is in. That is anernaturalthing fistais in a natural thing, it's something that sort of like goesagainst the way. I usually live my life, but here's what happened to me. It'sit's a sad, sad situation. U, when you, when you finally Adot when you do the steps andby the way, every one of these steps, there's t e first time to do theforestep and there's the Fi there's the first time you do it this thoug andthere's the first time you do an avestep and there's the first time.You're do a night step and then there's the ten step. When you just do allthose other steps over and over and over and over again, you know likeWaxon and wax off Laxon waxoff that that taroting movie, you know what Imean you do it over and over again. Well, there reaches a point in timewhere GOINTO meetings talking about your problems, adapting the attitude that, wheneveryou're disturbed matter, what the cause there's something wrong with you. Youdon't have to struggle with it. You don't have to hate the person as soonas you feel as soon as you feel disturb you immediately go to what Wataaiswrong. You immediately start doing him. You've done it so many times you justdo it and you forgive him and you pray it. It becomes second ill. You sistersecond nature. You understand what I...

...mean by second nature when people saythe term second nature, what they usually mean, this it's like automatic. Can you imagine it took me eighteenmonths, some, like eighteen months, O ten y Mo sure now to do the fourthstep,because I didn't understand it. I gragat teparmen Thelin was omathematics. I was I was working on multivariable calculus. I wanted to beGina, be a PhD in ALGEBAC Copology I want to be. I was a lawyer and I didn'tunderstand what they meant with the chart. You know I didn't understand howto do a forestew. I mean there were. There were guys that even graduate thethird grade, they were doing thet fricging forastep and I didn'tunderstand what they were talking about. So so let me tell you something:whenever the heck is going on with these steps, it's something more thanintelligence. You know I mean I it like baffled me 'cause, it's won! So againstmy nature and I went from that person who was going crazy. I had to go to Ala,mins ecause. I didn't know how to be e forestep by the way for those who youhaven't one t d, The reason I tarn Ou, the FORSEP is the age that is based onsome of the stuff. That's revealed in the FORSTOP, although there's someworthing things in the east, but the fact of the matter is is that eventhough I I I had all that stuff gold, I didn'thave a clue as to how to do the forestep, how to do an am andorse them,how to even see what the hels? How do you have? A the first TEP ingain out ofjail is known you're in Joe in the first place, how do you Wi have a shotof leaving the jail of hatred for other people and and just driving yourselfnuts? If you don't? Even? U, you can't even see what the problem is is. Allyou can see is how much you creet that person and how to rule in your life orhow that you can't you can't all you want to do is is every person your lifego up to and say you don't think I did to me. You KNON'T W at my boy, said tome. You know: What's happened. T all you want to do is tell your melodramato the group to the sponsor and every time you repeat, you know how peoplethink. Well, if I'll Ben Toe go away, no, I vent. It gets worse. The more Ibet, the worse. It gets every time. I repeat it. You know it gets worse andworse so to go from that from that to somewhere down the Rop, where the spiritual axcion becomes. SecondNature, where you like hatomatically, do it we yare not hating people at all, wher they're, not really on your mind, where you're not really making amance topeople because you're not flucking up, I mean that's, I mean excuse thelanguage, but you know because you're not you know one of the things they sayabout the tenstep is what atthe Taen of the ten stepafter you do, all your acologies and all that stuff at the taile end, whenyou really do this stuff over and over again, you get so sick of saying I'm wrong an doing the teststep that you do something call you're ready for this. It's in the Book Trustme, I'm not making this shit up. You do something called restraint of Tong andpen. Let me tell you what Restani Tong in penmes this is like amazing chickyou do not fuck up. Do you understand? I T know how to explain this to you.You live a life where you rarely fuck up when you live Alife when you don'tsay stupid, Shire and H. Well, I know some people thatve,probably disturb tha use the word. Fo you see you can have to have that checkown because whatever you disturbed, no matter what the cause there's somethingwrong with you and when you finally discover why you are actually upset with me,because I said that word is you got some sort of thing oing on in yourbhind an you know, they should shoot me or something, because I'm not reallySoer you when you finally get to the point where that you understand Whil,you're, so pset, then it won't bother...

...you and you'll find out that nonlyit won'tbother you that I said the word, but there's all sorts of people in thisworld that used to bother you, but because you overcame the fact that itdoesn't bother you that I use that word anymore, youare also at peace with awhole lot of other people that r dri e crazy your life. I don't know it's likea bad thing, I' Ot Tatbutin any what happens is the more people, the moreyou get into the spiritual accident, the more you do, the Forstef, the moreyou analyse the more you do, an invent! The more you talk to Youre sponsor tat,the more you make the list of people Youe Farm, the more you do, the test,the more you do all these steps that are really essentially about the samesort of thing. It's it's even though in other Wos, when I first started doingthe stefs, they were all distinct. You know they were all distint, it was like.Oh, I think I just I just did a third step. I just turned it over. I just did aThorst, I turned it over. I did this Ranin trarand. I turned it. I had thisthing bother me and bothere me botere me and then, and then on time e said, Ican't take any more God I'm turning it over. Then it's tot bonding me and somebodysaid what about that thing that spases s I turned it over. Oh, he turned itover. He turned it over and the and then I would do something I would Iwould write down. You know, do a forstep or I would do a continuous erisaid. I just did aforce. I just did I ten st or I would talk to my spontoriall. Ijust did a fifth Ta. I lunch sted of fit step on. You know I just talkedabout it. Okay were an a step where I would do a test up where I wouldrealize I was wrong, so write down I', do a manyfoot and then I would go upAnto the person I'd say you know. When I called you, then I did that I justwachd to no. I was wrong. I should't have done that and of course Ti Sai.Well, that's Whaiwas, wro and everything I know WHAC. You start doingthese things, but ter like distint things, but when you do hem over andover and over and over and over again, for I don't know, I don't know how longit's going to take you ten, twenty twenty five thirty years. I guess to the point where you do 'emsort of like second nature. Now you always have that first nature I'll. Never not have that first nature,given a certain time, a certain circumstance. Maybe I didn't get enoughsleep and all of a sudden I'd burst into alcoholism. That first nature isalways there. It's actually kind of cute it's nice to have like it's it'snice to go alcoholic. You know once a week for five minutes. You know what Imean 'cause. Every time I go out cat once a week for five minutes. Like Ibark at my wife or something like that, I it tells me you know what it tells meit tells me. I'm still allowed to go to closed meetings. I never want to get too well where Ican't go tosclosed meetings and hang out without toughts. I always want toknow that that insantie is still sort of there. You know. So what happens is the more you dothese stets, the Wer? You do something like the eight Stef and the Nice stepecause. I I believe that I think it's so important. I used torun Ito these men that were so calm. You know I once heard a preacher dteAcermon. This is what he said. This is an amazing thing. He said a you know, not everything. That'sspiritual! Not all wisdom is found in alcoholics anonymous. You can actuallyhear other people outside about Bot and AMAS. That are spiritual an and this iswhat he said. He said. Love is steady, love. The definish love is love issteady. You know, I know my mother loved me,but you know some. She wasn't steady and a lot of people that a e hungaround an outhax and os they weren't steady and what I was always searching for ispeople that were studying...

...people that you can rely on whut, AwhatAwa, the one thing I wasn't as I was. Instead, you could never really rely onme. I'm an alcohol, I'm an excuse, a HoliYeah. I meant to send you the money. Yes, I meant to do that thing or Icouldn't make it I'm an excuse, O Hollay. Very rarely would I findsomebody that I could rely on, but you know I came o Dowhoxanonis and I wouldlook at these guys with like thirty years these kies and you know they werestanding. They were always the same. I rememberone time I was at a meeting and there were these two old timers here, I'llnot forget what it was when was my sponse fom at was another guy and theyhad about thirty years and the guy came in to the meeting and he went into analcoholic seizure. I don't know whether anybody's ever seen somebody going toan alcoholic seizure and he started flopping around on the floor and hestarted turning purple and they called nine one one and the emergacy came in and they put oxygen on him and theytook hem away. They took the guy away and he was literally turning purple onthe floor e Lik. He was dying and everybody was going crazy in in ain the room. There are like twenty people- Gong nuts- you know you know,and that kind of stuff- and I looked over at my sponsor at thirty years- theother guy and they were just sitting in the same place. They had been sitting, they didn't even move and they werejust talking about stuff theyw're. Just like talking, you know o. What are yougoing O do Saturday? I don't know what I'm going to do so and I went up to himand I said: Did you see what just happened and they saw a look at me andthey said? Did you see that guy, just how, as Thi sow, we saw an he says he said he and I said to mysed. Healmost died and one of the guys looked tat me says wellsometimes they do sometimes they do like jussometimes.They do Tedi. You know I mean I was like. I didn't even face them. I'd say:What just would these people nothing seems to bother them? They're, likeonbotherable everything bothers me. Nothing bothers these people, I didn'tunderstand them and you know what happens. Is You do this stuff? Over andover again and one day you wake up one day andyou're not disturbed, I don't know how to explain it. You',just not disturb everyonce. While you get M, you may get desturbd, but justsort of get right out of it and so an and you sit, and so you sort o you'renot struggling. You know what I mean you're, not saying like I do Fowat. Ihad to do with six. I got to do it en I gotto do an age like io writ you know,you mean that may happen, but you just sort of like it's just the way. You are it's not so much prayer meditation.Your life becomes how about help of this? How about what would happen? Youthink if your life became a prayer. What if you like, Ecam a prayer? What, if you didn't have to work atmeditation? One of you didn't have to work at Prane. What, if Your Life Becancr? What if you just prayed all the time? What what I praying was your defaultotherwords? What if you weren't Thinkin when you're, not thinking you're,praying what would happen if, when you're, notthinking your same? Thank you Jesus. I that's something I no you just alwaysthinking about God and you're, always thanking Hem and H, Thankin, a Frelife WHA. What, if youjust you, don't even work at it. It's just something that happens to youbecause you've been Brainwott N, a a has! Finally, grainwashed o. What do you think that would be like?What do you think would be like? What do you think a life would be like ifthe only thing you ever thought about was thanking God. What would tha feel like...

...tet, probably feel like being rockin e,the forth to mentione existence dunch you then, I probably feel, like you experience, omuch or Hel right. They probably feel likethe God's becomethe central fact of your life and you're abtulalely, convinced that elives in your heart, an mind in Tha way, which is indeed raculess that he'sdoing for what you can't do for yourself. You probably understand what they meant.Lay Say sed that your relationship with God is right and great events Il gotHav an few incounless others, and so what would happen is you might get to a point where itdoesn't feel like you're working te steps? It feels like you're just living thesteps Te. So so, if, if something happened, maybe to disturb you or somethinghappened around you, Assumig Youv even noticed it en somebody would try to ask you whichtepwhat how come it didn't disturb you, you understand, and they asked yougrustle. What step did you work on that? What step did you work on that in thatsituation? What step did you work on that? I wouldn't be able to give an answer. I wouldn't be able to say I worked theFOURSTEP or Thea STAF or the night. Whatever I wouldn't be a I just I just you know. Unless I did actually write,I might write down something 'cause. You know if if it gets bad enough I'lldo that sort of stuff. You know that kind of thing. So with that, and so that's why I sortof sometimes feel like a fraud. I think somebody should be doing this. That'sactually involved in the steps you know, and I'm talking does that sound s. Itprobably sounds like off the wall. It sou probably sounds like what I'msaying is craze right Tryn. It sounds like e'm for well, I w kin say I'm justtelling the e truth of being honest with you, so in any mean so, but the bottom wineis in order to make this into an official ase stat meaing. I will say, because you know something.The eight step is about writing down names of people to Carm, put him on a list and I'll ta somethin.If you'e done the forestep you'Vand, if you've done te, Fenc Thap as Mattei'll, tell you what, if you'vedone the fint that would m well, I don't know how different peopledo the FIS tups dever way, but if you do the fist Tup with me, believe meyou're not escaping without knowing what a shit you are. He not escape you're not going to beescaping with saying. Well, I just heard a few people. It wasn't a bigdeal. I only hurt myself that shit is out the window. It ain't Gon. You knowI mean you're, not Gongto, go not Gan get off. Well, you know. I. I heard acouple of people that want to hurt the most O me. That's not going to happen.Okay, you know you're going to do your list and you're GONTO COM in here andwe're going to talk about we're going to talk about things likewellhow. Do you think? How do you think it made your Wifefiel when you did that?How do you think it made your kids feel when you did that? How do you think it effect w? I talkabout it. You know the're going to talk about it, we're gointo talk. You know it's notgon, to be one of these things when, when you read your forstep list- andyou say okay, let me go out to the next one. No, let's not go on the next one.Let's talk about the one you just talked about the one that you didn'tthink was so bad. You know Howe you thinkin ve. Well, what do youthink that did either hurry when you started gossiping about her all overthe office? An when you did this o when y? So so by the time you get throughthe Fitz step? If you do it as main laugh what happen o you guys,but when I start before I started the Forestoi. I thought I was a victim. Iwas let me taste him. I was a victim and I was a victim of circumstance bythe time I was dumb with he fissstep I felt like I was a victamiser I couldnt.I couldn't my mind to chase like I can...

...understand how people would hang arounde. You know I felt guilty. I felt bad, you know, there's nothing worse thanacohol field. You know, I think I had alcohol field anyway ecause I wasconstitutially a bnost myself. I think one of the things I had working in mylife was one of the reason I had low self Esteeim is because steepd downside I felt like I was worthless because I was guilty. I O say to mysponsor I feel guilty says that's case. You ware guilty Ofeel, nothing 'cause!You are guilty. You know, I don't feel happy. I Sik. Why should you feel happy? You knowwith all the people you heard ot? Why? Why should you feel? Why do you thinkyou deserve to feel happy? You haven't pag your child support in six line. Whyshould you feel happy? I mean think God's going to like rewark you for thatship. You know, I mean that kind. I mean you lessen by the time you getthrough the FISHSTEP. You have a pretty good idea that you're messed up in alot of places, maybe not getting UN an idea of all the places, but a lot ofplaces, and so the a step is just a list. You know, and and and actually Ihad people on my age that list I didn't have all at for setlist, my son. I hada son that I rarely saw and even when I waswith Hem I was always strecting, because I was a drinker, you know, andso he he had a father. That was really not reliable and I would say, I'm goingto pick him up and I wouldn't pook him up and things like that. Now he didn'tshow up on my fourstep Resemii'v Never sent then against my son. He wasn'tonmy forstuff, but he was on my astep list 'cause. He had somebody somebodyad arm so and then well. Next e well talk about actunal men, so I had a. Hewas one of the guys on my list, but but once I did that adstep list what theage that really is is it's a temtlate, just like just like e fifth step isAttemplat Tey, just like a forestet is a template. It's a template as to howI'm supposed to live my life from now on howms Os to thik how th theforst listen. You guys know what the ten stub as it says, continued it jast continue the only thing tha FISthetent. That says the only thing the ten step adds to the steps is. The wordcontinued continue to take a personal inventory. They're talking about theinventory, then I tok ot, a new inventory there saying continue to takethat inventor when they crop up continue to share with your sfonsorcontinue to make amends continue to do the astep continue to do the nine stepcontinue to do before step continue to do. KRISTA continue to do all thesesteps that went before you know why people's drink they drink because theystop continuing. Why did you drink because I stoppedgoing to meads? Why did you drink 'cause? I stopped sleeping my sponsor:Why do you drink 'cause? I stopped continuing course that at really helpedme much because you'll probably sit there and say well. I know I o I'm justnot going to stop I'm not going to stop continuing, but you have to believethat almost everybody who's ever stopped. Continuing at one point said:I'm never going to stop continuing. So the real question you got to askyourself is: Why do people stop continuing? That's a whole other story,though Getinto later Lo, O people 'cause, that's a whole INDEA Wy. Twopeople stop Antin. Why do we believe Meins fie people stop doing thes wo of thesepeople revert backwards, and so what what I want to shareactualy is that if you do these steps, you know these steps like the forestepand the FISHSTEP and tee a step in the night stem the six steponits a wholesix and seven e' Arti on through it's a whole other deal. When you do these steps, when you dothese steps, ultimately, what it's going to lead to is. If, if I haven't made myself clear,...

...is an incredible life, it's going to be alike beyond yourpossible imagination, it's going to be a life where thingsaren't going to bother you it's certainly not going to Bie. It'snot gon. To be perfect. That's why I said: I'm not perfect, I'm not tryingto lead you woith! He, you understand, that's not perfect, but it's going tobe a life where you're not going to be disturbed most of the time like those two guyssit sitting him at worner yeah. Sometimes they die. Where things aren'tgoing to bond you they're not going to on you as muchthat now I don't know how long it's going to take for you to get to a point.If you work the steps but I'll tell you something. If that doesn't motivate youto do I a forstep or an a step. Whatever does I don't know what more Iculd say if you want to keep o living, if you want tokeep on living, a life ofquiet, desperation, sover, I t only thing worse than drinking isbeing sober and being involved in gorry remorse and hatred. I idn just live ina crummy, you know silverlike being a dry drop. So that's all I'm going tosay about that. I don't know how long I took whatever, because I really well.We got about ten minutes. I want to hear really from you guys. Anybody wantto say anything, ther ask anything. So that's it. I'm done it'sthings.

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