AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 37 · 2 years ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Step 8 - The Spiritual Axiom

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

One of my name's Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. It's good to see you guys here today. And can everybody hear me? I have to ask that because you know, it's I hate to go for a while talk and then find out nobody heard. I'm talking to myself. So I'm I'm a member the South Dixie group and I have found us today have a drink since January, two thousand and one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. So so that's that's my deal. That's my situation and I would like to before we start, I just want to point out I'm not perfect. I don't know. I think I want to say that for us, probably this for there's a reason I want to share that little come up later on. So one of the one I'm still an alcoholic. I have my moments. I actually have my moments. As a matter of fact. If you don't believe me, I will invite my wife in here from Alan on, our ladies of protests revenge, and she'll explain to you, as she always explains to me, that I've never actually changed at all, as she says to me all the time. Mr Aa, how about if I just go down to the South Dixie Room and tell them what you're really like. So I just sort of I sort of live it. Oh Lord, but there's no use by talking her about forgiveness of the a step or any of that stuff. Is really the wouldn't work at this point. But we've been married for thirty nine years. I've been, because it's all about relationships. I've been relationship with this young lady for a long time and we like each other in a way. So I'm not sure how that goes. But you know where we just hang out together. Let's while she's watching married at first sight right now. If I wasn't with you, I'd be watching that with her, you know, and I'm not going to go into what that is. So I sort of feel sometimes a little bit like a like a fraud. We're going to talk a little bit about the eight step. You know me, it's going to be whatever, it's going to be all over the place, but there may be something in there for you. You know, whatever you know. At these prices you can't be too picky. But I'm I'm going to talk a little bit about the a step and forgiveness and relationships and I'll probably mentioned God from time to time. So I in a weird sort of sense, I sort of feel like a fraud. I think I'll confide. I confession is good for the salt, so I think I'll. I'll think I'll confess. They say. They say the only thing you need to do in order to have a good AA meeting is to be sincere. And once you learn how to fake that, you got it made. So, you know, I think I'll just try to be you know, when in doubt, just tell the truth. So I'll just try to be sincere. I've been doing step series, you know, series like this, ever since I was, you know, you know, six year sober, you know. So I mean, you know, I'm not even sure. I'm seventy one years old now and I've been doing these stuff series for a long time. And in a strange way, I think I really was a lot better at these things when I had like ten, twelve, fifteen years and other words, when I was, and I don't know this is going to make it, when I was in when I was in the thick of the battles, you know, when I was when I was, you know, when you first come into alcoholics anonymous. I don't know about you. I'm just going to talk about me. If it when you first come in to alcoholics anonymous, it's very strange. The language is strange. How they talk as strange. They use they use concepts that they said. They say things like turn it over, you know, take your inventory, I mean just to talk, just to understand what the heck they're talking about it. And you know, you know how they say the way you get a new perspective on things, to even understand what they're talking about is is by repeated humiliations to the final crushing of our selfsufficiency. So a lot of really this stuff, going from the...

...head to the heart, requires you to hang around for a long time. You get the crap beat out of you. Know, you just you just have to go through the desert and get the crap beat out of me. You know, it's somehow, even though you're slammed and slammed and slammed by life, it's like every day it's something else or somebody. I mean, you're sober and you feel good about being sober. I guess you'd leave and you like your meetings and you're really involved in the struggle. You'll learn the value of suffering, you really involved in the then the complaining and the struggle and you need a sponsor and you're running around and you know, I don't know how many people are new here, but you know your first five or ten years you feel sometimes like you're running around like a chicken with your head chopped off, not really knowing what you're doing, try to figure out how to stop thinking about this or do this or solve a problem, because we're problem people. And and you think you're really not getting the thing and you know you need sponsor and but of course then some sponsor says, well, you haven't had a drink, and that's right too, and they saw do you need people to lift you up. And you know, and and and the steps when you finally start doing them, and I hope I'm and I think I'm probably talking to people that are involved in the steps. Maybe there are people here that most of the people here, I think, have been around for a while. So you've probably done an eighth step, okay, but there makes be some people here that have three or four or five months that haven't done an eight step yet or step and haven't got through it. So when, when you first start doing the steps. They're like different. I mean they all go against our nature. They all have to do with humility, you know, gaining more humility. They're all they're all different. I mean, yeah, I don't one of the one of the consequences of being an alcoholic, that says, and lessen soil, and Alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences. Of writing be precarious. One of the consequences of being an alcoholic is, of course, understanding that your delusional and you're crazy and your fearful and you got all this selfishness that you don't really think you have, you know, and I me, increase yourself over it, right though you usually don't think so, and learning about all these crazy things with yourself, and you know I mean my you know, we have this, we have this spiritual axiom. It's a ten step spiritual axiom, but it actually applies across the board. You don't have to necessarily wait till the ten step to get it, because you get a lot of it in the fourth step and the fifth step and and the spiritual axiom is whenever you're disturbed. Now I want I'm going to talk slowly because this is a very important deal, and I know you guys all notice. So when I talk slowly, it's not because I don't think you understand it, but sometimes I think when we talk slowly, sometimes you can hear one line. Let me tell you something. I can do an hour just on this one statement. I mean this one line is so important. So the spiritual axiom, that means it's axiomatic. That means you have to accept it. I personally believe how well you're going to do an a a, how well you're going to make sure and how long you're going to last depends upon how seriously you accept what I'm about to say. And this is in my thing. This is this is a bed rock of A. It's a spiritual axiom that whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. So I think I'll repeat that, whenever you're disturbed, your alcoholics, I'm talking aboutoholics, is like ninety six alcoholics here. So so I would think, unless you're constitutionally incapable of being honest with yourself, if I'm talking about people that honest, I'm probably talking about people that understand what it's like to be disturbed. Now, but some of you were even disturbed. Today, it may be people on here that says I've never been not disturbed. I don't even know what it feels like to be not disturbed. You know, I haven't...

...yet been rocketed, and it's fourth dimension of existence, you know. So here's the I had a guy called me up the other day at twenty four years. No, no, this guy would called me up. Actually had six years and he was he was incredibly involved in a major complaint about how disturbed he was because of had some do with worrying about what people are thinking about them. You guys wouldn't understand, but he was concerned about people thinking about them and what they were going to think about it was either what they were thinking about them, what they were going to think about them, or what they had thought about them. He had people on their mind. You ever have a purse? You ever have a person on your mind? That's like bothering you. You know the you know it says the wrongdoings. Let me tell you how sick we are. They say the wrongdoings of others, fancied or real. That means like imaginary ship. Then I have to do anything. We just imagine it. You know, you ever. Now, listen, this is going to get I'm going to get off in the weeds now. Don't get scared. This doesn't necessarily apply to you, but I'm missing you. Ever you ever think about you know, when to be nice if somebody died? Ever think about killing people and stuff like that? I know you guys aren't that set. You know I mean. Listen, I'm a father of for I'm grandfather seven. I graduated, as you know. I'm a lawyer and everything like that, and if you look at me from the outside you would think I'm a pretty you would probably think I'm like a stable guy and stuff like that, but the truth is I spent many, many years before coming into and quite a few years they have to coming day so to thinking that if only this person would die, or maybe I could kill him in a horrible way so that he would beg for his life. You know, I spend many years driving in a car to work with a with an imaginary machine gun on the Front Hood of my car, blowing families of for up because I didn't like the way they drive. You know, this is what you see. I understand if you had like a milder version of alcoholism, you know you might not get that, but but I there's a possibility that I had some issues regarding hate. I I never mildly dislike people, I just hated them and I thought they ought to be punished. I was you know, that's that. You know, just and you know, when you live a life where you hate people because you feel threatened by them, where they do something to you or or whatever, it's Wednesday, it's Wednesday, you might as well hate them, you know you're going to hate somebody. You don't like the way your life is going. Who knows? I never, I never really stopped to analyze it because when I hated somebody there was always a reason. So you got this spiritual axiom whenever you disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. Now let me tell you why that's an axiom for us and why it's so important that I accept that thing, because because the way I think, the way I the way I think, is that whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. I think there's something wrong with Lori. If I'm disturbed, this somewe wrong with John. There's something wrong with my job, there's something wrong with my country and when I get disturbed, because there's something wrong with you, what I do is I sort of fantasize about killing people and hurting people and you know how you know, feeing a victim and feeling sorry for myself. And that's the way I've been. I cannot remember a time that I was in that way, where I wasn't it was where I didn't have bad thoughts about myself and other people. I...

...cannot remember a time when I didn't have bad thoughts about myself and other people. I came from an alcohol home. My mother was a drunk. Now she eventually came day and she got sober and I love my mother, but I hated her to because she was a depressive and living life with a depressed alcoholic sending on a bar, drinking and being an AA. And you never you know when you live in an alcohol home, when you come home, you never know what you're going to find. When you go out to dinner, you never know what your mother's got scant stand up and start yelling and screaming and making a scene. You never know where you're going to find her, on the front lawn or Neglige, a passed out you know, and I'm not blaming my alcoholism on my mom, I personally believe I would have been an alcohol even if I had a sober mom or anything like that. It just sort of get you a little like this an emotional part of your life. But the bottom line is I cannot remember a time where I wasn't capable of somehow, some way, hating somebody or people or groups of people in my mind and thinking if they were only dead or if they only changed, or if they only did this or if only did that, I my life would be better. That the reason on the way I'm is, of course, a you or him or something. And let me tell you something. I didn't need drinking to feel that way. You know, that's just the way I felt without the drink. That was that was part and parcel of the that's a consequence of being an alcoholic to have bad feelings about yourself and other people, and that happened before I came, before I started drinking, and happened during the drinking. Let me tell you something, after I stopped drinking, it continue. I can't even imagine how many times I II either share a meeting or I went up to my sponsor how many times during the first ten or twelve years, even while I was doing the steps, how many times I would feel bad about something or or not feel good because I was either mad at somebody or I was worried about something, somebody or I had some people in my life that I was worried about what they were thinking about me. That's just there may be people here listening to me right now that are in the midst of some sort of obsessive, convulsive thinking about a person or a group of people that they can't get out of their mind. That's just killing it's just killing them. And even if they talk to people about them and say this is the problem, is the problem, it seems that it almost makes it worse or or keeps on coming back, you know. And when you have a mind like that, it's very happy. It's very difficult to have decent relationships with people's very it's very difficult to be happy, you know, and that's part and parcel of the alcoholism that I had to live with. That's what I had to deal with. So in any way. So when I yelp, so the reason was a lot. Do I feel like a fraud and all that sort of. So here's the deal. When I was in the midst of dealing with this, with people, and dealing with these the anger and dealing with the work. So this guy, Guy told me was frond of this guy, called me up. You had like six years. I don't leave that story. And he was in the midst of the battle, the battle in his mind about people, and he was feeling really bad. And I said to him, I said, well, you know. Now he says it was as I said, how does that feel? And he said it feels horrible. And so I said, well, now you know why you drank. Now you know why you drank because for you, sobriety feels horrible. You know, it says, and it says in the big book that you know it's possible to be...

...sober and not happy with your with your sobriety. So so I spent many years in alcoholics anonymous were. Whether you like this or not, I had to be just satisfied with not drinking. Now, I'm not putting down the not drinking thing. My sponsor used to say, Russ, no matter how many things go wrong with you in your life, no matter how bad shit gets. You know what I mean. If you haven't had a drink today, your success. And many times, as ever, the one of the things used to say is there isn't anything so bad that could happen to do in your life that a drink won't make it worse. So for many, many years in my life I had I had a hold onto the idea that, no matter how worried I got, no matter how bad things got, no matter how scared I was about the money, about the life, about the kids, about the boss, the judge, about the case, that if I wasn't drinking, God was taking care of me. And I was six. I just had to hang on to that deal and in a sense I still hang onto it. But when you're involved in the fight, when you're involved in that fight and you're and you're you're going to meetings and you're speaking to a sponsor and you're doing steps and you're doing a fourth step or an inventory step or a fist step, or you're talking to people or you're writting down names or you're trying to forgive people because you're just trying to stop thinking about the bullshit, you know, when you're in the midst of it, in in a real strange way. It's easier to do step series. It's easier to do steps series because you are like involved in seriously working the steps. You understand what I'm saying. You're involved. I mean, I mean the easiest way to meet for me to talk about the day step and say, Hey, listen, I've done the eight step, I've done inventory steps, this is what I did, and I could sit here and tell you what I did, the names I put down and all sort of stuff, and that's like a step. I'm just telling you my this is how I did the steps. You know. I mean I used to go to a lot of meetings where guys are doing the step series and they'd say this is how we did the steps. Okay, maybe not so much as to why they did the steps or what the effects are going to but I mean this is how you do it, you know. And it's not something that comes naturally when you hate people and your man at people, you're scared, you know. It's not something like the four step is in. That isn't a natural thing, for step is in a natural thing. It's something that's sort of like goes against the way I usually live my life. But here's what happened to me. It's a sad, sad situation. When you when you finally adopt, when you do the steps, and by the way, every one of these steps there's a first time to do the fourth step and there's the first there's a first time you do a fifth step and there's a first time you do an eighth step and there's a first time you do a nice step, and then there's the ten step where you just do all those other steps over and over and over and over again, you know, like wax on and wax off, wax on, wax off, that that karate movie. You know what I mean. You do it over and over again. Well, there reaches a point in time we're going to meetings talking about your problems adapting the attitude that whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. You don't have to struggle with it, you don't have to hate the person. As soon as you feel as soon as you feel disturbed, you immediately go to what the what the fuck is wrong with it? You immediately start doing themage. You've done it so many times you just do it and you forgive them and you pray it be it becomes second I'll use this term second nature. You understand what I mean by...

...second nature. When people say the terms second nature, what they usually mean this. It's like automatical. Can you imagine that? It took me eighteen months, some like eighteen months or ten, I'm I'm sure now to do the fourth step because I didn't understand it. I graduate departmental honors in mathematics. I was I was working on multivariable calculus. I wanted to be again, to be a PhD in Algebraic topology. I want to be a fact I was a lawyer and I didn't understand what they meant with the chart. You know, I didn't understand how to do a fourth step. I mean there were there were guys that even graduate the third grade. They were doing that freaking forth step and I didn't understand what they were talking about. So so let me tell you something. Whatever the heck is going on with these steps, it's something more than intelligence, you know. I mean there's like baffled me because it's when so against my nature and I went from that person who was going crazy. I had to go to a lot of means because I know how to do the fourth step. By the way, for those of you haven't done and the reason I told about the fourth step is the eight step is based on some of the stuff that's revealed in the fourth stuff, although there's some more things things in the stuff. But the fact of the matter is is that, even though I had all that stuff going from, I didn't have a clue as to how to do the fourth step. How to do an inventory step. How do you even see what the Hell's do? How do you have it? The first step, againting out of jail, is knowing you're in jail in the first place. How do I have a shot of leaving the jail of hatred for other people and and just driving yourself nuts if you don't even you can't even see what the problem is. Is All you can see it's how much you keep that person and how they're ruin in your life, or how the that's you can't. You can't. All you want to do is is every person in your life, go up to him and say, you know what that guy did to me, you know what my boss did to me, you know what's happening to all you want to do is tell your melodrama to the group, to the sponsor and every time you repeat you know how people think, well, if I'll been to to go away, no, I vent. It gets worse. The more I vent, the worse it gets. Every time I repeat it. You know, it gets worse and worse. So to go from that, from that to somewhere down the road where the spiritual axiom becomes second nature, where you like ortomatically do it, where you're not hating people at all, where they're not really on your mind, where you're not really making amends to people because you're not fucking up. I mean that's I mean, excuse the language, but you know, because you're not. You know, one of the things they say about the tent step is what at the tail end of the tent step they after you do all your apologies and all that stuff, at the tail end, when you really do this stuff over and over again, you get so sick of saying I'm wrong and doing the test step that you do something called you're ready for this? It's in the book. Trust me, I'm not making this shit up. You do something called restraint of tongue and pain. Let me tell you what we stand a tongue and pen means. This is like amazing shit. You do not fuck up. Do you understand? I don't know how to explain this to you. You live a life where you rarely fuck up, when you live a life when you don't say stupid shit. And well, I know some people that probably disturbed the use the word fo you see, you're gonna have to have that checked out, because whenever you have disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. And when you finally discover why you are actually upset with me because I said that word, if you got some sort of thing going on in your mind that you know they should shoot me or something, because I'm not really sobry. When you finally get to the point where that you understand why you're so upset, then it won't bother you. And...

...you'll find out that not only it won't bother you that I said the word, but there's all sorts of people in this world that used to bother you. But because you overcame the fact that it doesn't bother you that I use that word anymore, you're also at piece with a whole lot of other people that are driving crazy in your life. I don't know, that's like advanced thing. I'm not going to going to that stuff, but in anyway what happens is the more people, the more you get into the spiritual accident, the more you do the fourth step, the more you analyze, the more you do an inventory, the more you talk to your sponsor better, the more you make the list of people you've armed, the more you do the test that, the more you do all these steps that are really essentially about the same sort of thing. It's going. It's even though I other it's. When I first started doing the steps, they were all distinct. You know they're all distinct. It was like, Oh, I think I just do I just did a third step. I just turned it over. I just did a third step, I turned it over. I did this any prayer and I turned it I had this thing bothered me and bother me, bothered me, and then and then I kindly said, I can't take any more God, I'm turning it over, and then it stop bothering me and somebody said, what about that thing? That's fun is? I turned it over. Oh, you turned it over. He turned it over. And then and then I would do something, I would say, I would I would write down. You know, I do a four step, or I would do any continue with Sam. I said, Oh, I just did a voice that. I just did a ten step on it. or I would talk to my sponsorizes all, I just did a fifth that I got, just did a fifth step on it. You know, I just talked about it. Okay, or an eighth step. or I would do a test up where I would realize I was wrong. I's so write down, I do a mini foot and then I would go up inti the first I'd say, you know, when I called you that and I did that, I just want to know I was wrong. I should have done that. Of course I say, well, that's okay, I was wrong and everything. I know what you start doing these things, but they're like distinct things. But when you do them over and over and over and over and over again for I don't know, I don't know how long it's going to take you, ten, twenty, twenty, five, thirty years, I guess, the point where you do them sort of like second nature. Now you always have that first nature. I'll never not have that first nature. Given a certain time, a certain circumstance, maybe I didn't get enough sleep and all of a sudden I burst into alcoholism. That first nature is always there. It's actually kind of cute. It's nice to have. Like it's nice to go alcoholic, you know, once a week for five minutes. You know what I mean, because every time I go alcohol once a week for five minutes, like I barked at my wife or something like that, it tells me, you know what it tells me? It tells me I'm still allowed to go to closed meetings. I never want to get too well where I can't go to closed meetings and hang out with aulcoholics. I will always want to know that that insanity is still sort of there, you know. So what happens is the more you do these steps, the more you do something like the eight step and the Nice step, because I will. I believe that. I think it's so important. I used to run into these men that were so calm. You know, I once heard a preacher did a sermon. This is what he said. There is an amazing thing he said and why he's you know, not everything that's spiritual, not all wisdom, is found in alcoholics anonymous. You can actually hear other people outside of alcoholics, anonymous, that are spiritual and you can get with and this is what he said. He said love is steady love. The definition love is love is steady. You know, I know my mother loved me, but you know, some she wasn't steady. And a lot of people that are hung around and alcoholics anonymous, they weren't steady. And what I was always searching for is people that were steady, people that you can rely on.

What all would always the one thing I was and as I wasn't, instead, you could never really rely on me. I'm an alcoholic. I'm an excuse to haul it. Yeah, I meant to send you the money. Yes, I meant to do that thing, or I couldn't make it. I'm an excuse a hauling. Very rarely would I find somebody that I can rely on. But you know, I came to alcoholics anonymous and I would look at these guys with like thirty years, these guys, and you know, they were steady. They were always the same. I remember one time I was at a meeting and then were these two old timers here. I'll never forget what it was. One was my sponsor from what was another guy and they had about thirty years and the guy came in to Alpha to the meeting and he went into an alcoholic seizure. I don't know whether anybody's ever seen somebody going to an alcoholic seizure. And he started flopping around on the floor and he started turning purple and they called on one and the emergency came in and they put a oxygen on them and they took them away. They took the guy away and he was literally turning purple on the floor, you like he was dying, and everybody was going crazy in AA in the room. They're like twenty people going nuts, you know, you know, and that kind of stuff. And I looked over at my sponsor, had thirty years the other guy, and they were just sitting in the same place they had been sitting. They didn't even move and they were just talking about stuff. They're just like talking, you know. So what are you going to do Saturday? I don't know what I'm going to do. So and I went up to him and I said, did you see what just happened? And they sort of look at me and they said, did you see that guy? Just that means to you? How we saw? And he says he said he and I said to him, I said he almost died. And one of the guys looked at me says, well, sometimes they do, sometimes they do like just like sometimes they do they die, you know, I mean, I was like it didn't even phase them. I'd say, what is with these people? Nothing seems to bother them. They're like unbotherable. Everything bothers. Maybe nothing bothers these people. I didn't understand them. And you know, what happens is you do this stuff over and over again and one day you wake up one day and you're not disturbed. I don't know how to explain it. You just not disturbed. Everyone's why you get mat you may get disturbed, but yeah, just sort of get right out of it and so in and you said, and so you sort of you're not struggling, you know what I mean? You're not saying like I go forth to do a sex that I got to do it ten, I got to do anything, I gotta write, you know. I mean that may happen, but you just sort of like it's just the way you are. It's not so much prayer meditation your life becomes. How about? How about this? How about what would happen, you think, if your life became a prayer? What if your life became a prayer. What if you didn't have to work at meditation? What of few didn't have to work at praying? What if your life became a prayer? What if you just prayed all the time? What if praying was your default? Other words, what if you weren't thinking? If when you're not thinking, you're praying? What would happen if, when you're not thinking, you're saying thank you Jesus. I know that's something I do. You just always thinking about God and you're always thanking them, thanking them for your life. What if you just you don't even work at it, it's just something that happens to you because you've been brainway. Aa has finally brainwashed you. What do you think that would be like? What do you think would be like? What do you think a wife would be like? If the only thing you ever thought about was thanking God? You know, what would that feel like? It probably feel...

...like me in rocket in the fourth dimension of existence, touch a thing God by probably feel like experiencing much your heaven right. They probably feel like that God's become the central fact of your life and that you're absolutely convinced that he lives in your heart and mind in the way, which is indeed miraculous, that he's doing for you what you can't do for yourself. You probably understand what they meant by say see with that, your relationship with God is right and great evental gap happen for you and down those others. And so what would happen is you might get to a point where it doesn't feel like you're working the steps, it feels like you're just living the steps. You understand. So so if something happened maybe to disturb you, or something happen around you, assuming you even noticed it, and somebody would try to ask you which step what's how come it didn't disturb you, you understand, and they asked you, Russell, what step did you work on that? What step did you work on that? In that situation, what step did you work on that? I wouldn't be able to give an answer. I wouldn't be able to say I work the fourth step or the a step, but then I don't whatever that. I wouldn't be able to. I just I just, you know, unless I did actually wrote, I might write down something because you know, if it gets bad enough I'll do that sort of stuff. You know, that kind of thing. So with that in my so that's why I sort of sometimes feel like a fraud. I think somebody should be doing this that's actually involved in the steps. You know, and I'm talking. Does that Sound Sa? It probably sounds like off the wall. It sounds probably sounds like what I'm saying is crazy. Right, right, it sounds like I'm pretty well, I was kind of say. I'm just telling the truth, of being honest with you. So, in any events, so the bottom line is, in order to make this into an official a step me, I will say, because you know something, the eight step is about writing down names of people that you aren't put him on a list. And I'll tell you something. If you've done the four step, you've got any if you've done the fit step, as a matter I'll tell you what. If you've done the fifth step with me, well, I don't know how different people do the fifth steps every way, but if you do the fifth step with me, believe me, you're not escaping without knowing what a shit you are. You're you know I'm escape. You're not going to be escaping with saying, well, I just heard a few people it wasn't a big deal. I only hurt myself. That shit is out the window. It ain't going to you know. I mean you're not going to. You're not going to get off. Well, you know, I heard a couple people that want to hurt the most is me. That's not going to happen. Okay, you know, if you're you're going to do your list and you're going to come in here and we're going to talk about we're going to talk about things like well, how do you think? How do you think it made your wife feel when you did that? How do you think it made your kids feel when you did that? How do you think, in effect, that we're going to talk about it? You know we're going to talk about it. We're going to talk. You know. It's not going to be one of these things when you when you read your fourth step, listen, you say, okay, let me go out the next one. No, let's not go on the next one. Let's talk about the one you just talked about, the one that you didn't think it was so bad. You know, how do you think of for well, what do you think that did to either her, you, when you started gosping about her all over the office or when you did this or when you so so by the time you get through the fifth step, if you do it as a matter I don't know what happened, what happened to you guys, but when I start, before I started the fourth step, I thought I was a victim. I was. Let me tell you some I was a victim and I was a victim of circumstance. By the time I was done with the fifth step, I felt like I was a victimizer. I couldn't, I couldn't my mind. It changes like I can't understand how people would...

...hang around me. You know, I felt guilty. I felt bad. You know, there's nothing worse than alcohol field. You know, I think I had alcoholic guild anyway, because I was constitutionally paper being awesome myself. I think one of the things I had working in my life and one of the reason I had low self esteem is because, deep down inside I felt like I was worthless because I was guilty. I say to my sponsor, I feel guilty. Says that's because you are guilty. Feel they'll because you are guilty. You know, I don't feel happy. I say, why should you feel happy? You know, with all the people you heard now, why? Why should you feel. Why do you think you deserved to feel happy? You haven't paid your child supporting sex while why should you feel happy? I mean you think God's going to like reward you for that Shit? You know, I mean that kind. I mean you listen, by the time you get through the fifth step, you have a pretty good idea of that. You're messed up in a lot of places. Maybe not getting have an idea of all of places, but a lot of places. And so the eight step is just a list, you know, and and there and actually had people on my ah step list. I didn't have on at four step list my son. I had a son that I rarely saw and even when I was with him I was always strictened because I was a drinker, you know, and so he had a father that was really not reliable and I would say I'm going to pick him up and I wouldn't pick him up and things like that. Now he didn't show up on my fourth step resent I've never, I've never resentment against my son. He wasn't on my four step but he was on my a step list because he had somebody has somebody had arms. So and then, well, next week we'll talk about actual men. So I had a he was one of the guys on my list. But but once I did that eight step list, what the a step really is is it's a template, just like the just like the fifth step, is a template. They just like the four step, is a template. It's a template as to how I'm supposed to live my life from now on, how I'm supposed to think, how the fourth listen, you guys. Know what the ten step says. It says continued. It says continue. The only thing the fifth the ten step says. The only thing that ten step adds to the steps is the word continue. Continue to take a personal inventory. They're talking about the inventory and I talked about a new inventory. They're saying continue. You to take that inventory when they crop up. Continue to share with your sponsor, continue to make amends, continue to do the a step, continue to do the Nice step, continue to do before step, continue to do the fifth step, continue to do all these steps that went before. You know why people's drink? They drink because they stop continuing. Why did you drink? Because I stop going to meetings? Why did you drink? Because I stopped sleeping to my sponsor. Why do you drink because I stopped continuing. Of course that's it really help you much, because you'll probably sit there and say, well, I know, I don't know, I'm just not going to stop, I'm not going to stop continuing. But you have to believe that almost everybody who's ever stopped continuing at one point said I'm never going to stop continuing. So the real question you got to ask yourself is why do people stop continuing? That's a whole lot of story get into later. Why do people because that's a whole of the why do people stop continue? Why do people leave meetings? Why do people stop doing these stead a lot of these people revert backwards. And so what what I want to share actually is that if you do these steps, you know these steps, like the four step in the fifth, in the a step in the ninth step, the sixth step, I'm it's a whole six and seven with boardy gone through. It's a whole other deal when you do these steps, when you do these steps, ultimately when it's going to lead to is, if I haven't made myself clear, is an incredible life.

It's going to be a life beyond your possible imagination. It's going to be a life where things are going to bother you. Certainly not going to buy it's that's not going to be perfect. That's why I said I'm not perfect. I'm not trying to lead you with the the understand that's not perfect, but it's going to be a life where you're not going to be disturbed most of the time like those two guys did sitting in the corner. Yeah, sometimes they die. Where things aren't going to bother you. They're not going to bother you as much that now, I don't know how long it's going to take for you to get to the point of view worth the steps, but I'll tell you something, if that doesn't motivate you to do a four step or an a step, whatever it does, I don't know what more I could say. If you want to keep on living, if you want to keep on living a life of quiet desperation sober, I mean that's a only thing worse than drinking is being sober and being involved in worry, remorse and hatred. I mean it just living a crummy, you know, silber life, being a dry drop. So that's all I'm going to say about that. I don't know how long I took whatever because I really well. We got about ten minutes. I want to hear really from you guys. Anybody want to say anything, ask anything? So that's it. I'm done, so over things. Wrestle.

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