AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 36 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Step 7: Humility - Let perseverance finish its work

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

You, guys. Is there anybodyhere? I'm just wondering. I see a couple of guys that look likethey been long in the tooth. Anybody here over the age of seventy?Don't be a shame given raise anybody? Just I'm just wondering. On Isent to the crowd here. Others. Curtis will? Curtis will understand whatI'm talking about. Anybody else? What about you, rich? You looklike you're ninety or something. I know what's going on. You've been drinkingtoo much. Nobody else. That's it. Just Curtis. I see Adam me, Jamie. Good, good, it's good, good, you know, I think. By the way, my name is Russell. I'm analcoholic, if you haven't met me so far, and it's good to seeyou, guys. I I'm a little fat. I haven't had it,had I haven't found that. Haven't drink since January twenty one night, twentyfive, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and married thirty nine years, got four kids, adult kids and seven grandkids and doing this thing fora while. And I want to talk to you a little bit about mylife. The tragedy that is my wife and I'm just going to talk aboutmy experience with this thing. I'm going to actually believe it or not,and you're going to you may not believe this, I will get around tostep seven. As a matter of fact, this entire talk will be on stepseven. But it but listen, trust me on this. It justwon't look like it. It won't look like it, but you're gonna haveto wait until you'll five minutes before I finish. You might figure it out. So you just got to you're going to have to, unfortunately, dosome work on this. I'm not going to spoon spoon for you. I'mjust going to throw out some stuff. Throw out some stuff and maybe it'llall come together. It's always amazing to me whether it all comes together ornot. I mean, this is going to depend on you. You know, there's like what eighty seven, eighty eight people in this thing. Isgonna be like eighty eight meetings going on. Some of you going to hear somethings, other people can hear other things, and that's what I've learnedabout a really depends upon where you're at. So I'm going to talk about sixand seven, or two of my favorite steps, and one of thereasons they're my favorite steps is they're probably the ones that I'm most involved andthey are what I what I believe. They are the motor and a they'rethe steps that do separate the men from the boys and they're the thing thatreally takes us up into the thirty, forty years and too, emotional,emotional, sobriety. So I'm going to throw out of a couple of thingsand hopefully you'll you'll hear something for this whole thing is done. I'm goingto read some things out of the big book, I'm going to quote somethings, I'm going to tell you a few things about my life and aboutwhat step seven means to me, and that's the deal. So let melet me first start by reading something from alcoholics anonymous. Number three, there'sa story in the book by Bill Dotson. Build Dotson is the man on thebed. If you've ever been into an eight room, you've seen thatpicture of bill and Bob with a Bible in their hands. But it wassomewhere around nineteen thirty seven or so, thirty six, thirty five, Idon't know, something like that, and they were there was a man onthe bed and that man on the bed in those fuck you looking tshirt wasbill dots and he's the one wh would clock the nurse and they had cometo twelve steph them or talk to him, give him the good news. Andthey had the Bible, because between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine, when the book was published, they didn't have the big book alcoholics anonymous. The books they found absolutely essential. What they said we're absolutely essential wasfirst Corinthians, thirteen, sermon on them out, and the book of James. As a matter of fact, we were almost called the James Club,the jump drugs of the James Club, and so that's what they used,basically to twelve step people. And so they were. The guy on thebed was bill dots and he was aucoholics anonymous number three, and he hasa story. His story is in the book and there's a one of thegreat lines that TS Eliot says. All these things are like repeated over andover again. I found all these concepts are repeated in the big book,the repeated in the Bible. They're impeding all they repeating all the important literature. Same thing, just different words. And one of the things that buildDotson says, I mean that TS eliots said in the four quatrains, ashe has this line. He says we will not cease our exploration and whenwe come to the end of our seeking and our exploring, we will cometo the place where we began, having known the place for the first time. And I've spent forty years in alcoholics anonymous and seventy one years on theplanet to come to the place where I where I began, having now knowingthe place for the first time. I don't even know how to explain itother than that you know I came in. I came into alcoholics anonymous, clueless. Listen to me. I graduate...

...with departmental honors and mathematics. Iwas going for my PhD in Algebraic topology. I went to law school. Iwas a national science science foundation fellow. I was division chief before I wastwenty, before I was twenty on. Let me see, before I wastwenty six years old, I had already tried thirty, twenty murder cases, before Jewry trucks. I was just a murder tray, murder cases andand I knew everything. I was always the smartest guy in the room,but that's all I knew. I knew nothing. I was clueless. There'sa line by some psychiatrist or some spiritual guy that says if you get theage of thirty five and you have no idea why you're on the plan it, but what your purpose is, you're going to be to a certain extent, neurotic. And I was always one neurotic son of a bitch. Ican tell you that I had no clue, but I didn't know I had noclue. I was operating on automatic pilot. I was operating on selfishnessand self centeredness, though I didn't think so pill of self, the routeselfdelusion and fear, doing all the stuff they talk about in the big book. I came to alcoholics anonymous. I was I was. I came downcoholicsanonymous to stop drinking. After I stopped drink. I came in clueless andto stop drinking after I stopped drinking. I was just clueless, which isclueless. You know, I had no clue, thank God. Blessed isthe alcoholic that comes in clueless and knows he's clueless. Sad is the alcoholicwho comes without Bolls, anonymous and stop drinking and thinks he actually knows whatthe fuck he's talking of. That you know guys that say things like youdon't understand and that kind of shit. You know. So, in anyevent, I want I want to read this thing from the big book.This is the alcoholics anonymous number three. There is on page one hundred andninety one. You can check it out. I'm not I'm not laying anything onyou. That isn't quote conference approved. Okay, so this is what thisis what buil Dotson said. It would be hard to estimate how muchAa has done for me. I really wanted the program and I wanted togo along with it. I noticed that others. I noticed that others.You know that line the book. If you want, we have and you'rewilling to go to any length to get it. Has Anybody ever walked intoan a room sober two years, over three years, over five years old, I don't care how long you sober, and met somebody, a man ora woman, that you know they were sobering? You were so butyou know that had something you didn't have. You have you ever see a speakerwho said, I don't know, you're both sober. You know whatI mean. You're both an AA. We're all equal, you know.But you would say to yourself, man, I wish, I wish I couldhave what he has. I wish you could be like him, Iwish I could be like it. You have that ever happened to you?You they there was something about them. You know, I came in,I had when I had three years sobriety. I would see guys with thirty years. I wanted to have thirty years in six months. You know.You know how many. It took me a long time to realize that theonly way to get thirty years is you got to put in thirty years.Isn't that a bitch some especially if you're impatient. You know, I wantedwhat they had and it was always somebody that had something that I wanted thatI didn't know how to get. So this is what don't want. TheDOTS and says and I like reading this because because this really matches up withme. If I'm reading this, this is this is Bill Dotson, butI'm telling you this is my story. This is my when you read abouthim and what he was doing, what he was thinking, this is megoing to a meetings. It would be hard to estimate how much a hasdone for me. I really wanted the program I wanted to go along withit. I noticed that others seem to have such a release, a happiness, a something I thought a person ought to have. I was trying tofind the answer. I knew there was even more, more, something thatI hadn't got, and I remember one day, a week or two afterI had come out of the hospital, Bill, he's talking about, BillWilson, was at my house talking to my wife and try and I wastrying to find out why they had this relief, why they had this releasethat they seem to have. You know how, the how, the thepromises that we all like to read. You know how it says you're goingto be rocking into the fourth dimension of existence, of which we had noteven dreamed. Hey, what would that be like? Well, would bewe ever try to want? What that...

...problem with every time will what wouldthat feel like to be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence, of whichwould not even drink? I'm not just something that sort of throw in thebook and really basically bullshit. It doesn't happen. or I mean they're nottalking about anxiety. Are there anybody ever been sober for a while and stillstill anybody ever have anxiety? Sober never have anxiety. You ever find yourselfworried about stuff. You ever worry about other people or either judgment or youknow that. What do they say? That promise of fear of people andof economy. You ever worry about money? You ever worry about material they everworry about what people are thinking about you, what they might think aboutyou or what might happen to you. You ever? You ever worry aboutstuff like that. Five years over, ten years, over, fifteen yearsover you ever? You ever say to yourself, what am I going tobe rocked in the fourth dimension of existence and Experience Much of Heaven? Youever worry. You ever say to yourself, then this shit ain't never going tohappen for me. You ever get discourage? In other book says donot be discouraged. So they say we're going to know. I wonder whypeople like the promises being read. You know, people love to hear thepromises. You know, it's almost like read it to me again, maybeone day it'll actually happen to me. You know, will that be great? What did be great if it wasn't bullshit. And then it says willexperience much of Heaven. We're going to experience much of heaven. Wow,whatever that is. I knew there was even more. Something I had inGod and I remember one day, a week or two after I had comeout of the hospital, Bill was at my house talking to my wife andme. We were eating lunch and I was listening and trying to find outwhy they had this release that they seem to have. I saw a guyspeaking of the meeting I had three months of Brite. His name was altKennedy. I might have mentioned them last week. Most good stuff is worthrepeating. I don't mind repeating stuff. I think alcoholics need repetition. Iknow I did. I need to hear the same thing over and over andover again. You know I have a line. Those of you get myemails you know one of the lines I have in my emails is. Whatis the line? I'm going to read it to you right now that Ilove to read because it's so true. It's so true in my alcoholic life. One of the lines of my emails is this. It says, tryingto remember who wrote this line. Truly, a man may look at a thingnine hundred and ninety nine times and not see it once, then lookat it for the thousandth time and see it for the first time. Thatever happened to you? You ever read something in the big book that youknow you've read before? Here's something out of me that you know you've heardbefore, but all of a sudden is like a whole new mean it's likea big deal. It becomes like a big deal to you. Like allof a sudden it's like, man, you see something you never saw itbefore, like for the first time. I mean that's happened to me somany times. So it says bill was at my house talking to my wife. We were eating launch and I was listening and trying to find out whythey had this release that they seem to have. So this out Kennedy Guygave us incredible talk. You had about thirty years he was about seven yearsold and it was such a good talk. It was so inspiring. I saidto my sponsor I said, man, I wish I could hang around thatguy with. What group does he go to? And my sponsor attorneysays, you know, he's dying of cancer. And I said, andI thought it, I said to him. I didn't think he heard that.I said no, I'm talking about the guy was just did the meeting. He says, yeah, that Guy's say anything about he says, yeah, he's got six months to live and he was dead in six months.I'll Kennedy, I'll never forget that. I'll never forget that. You know, I'll never forget you know. You know, you see, you meetpeople in a a, you see things in a a. You know,I used to say things like, if I was feeling sorry for myself,I would say I thought there was, I thought there was no other wayof doing things except for feeling sorry for yourself. And I would say thingslike this. Well, sure, that's easy for you to say, you'renot going through it. If you were going to through the same thing,you would feel the same way. I really believe that. I really believeI would kill you with the pieces that you didn't have that I was sounique. Yeah, if it happened to you, you would be in thesame thing. And here's a guy, he's dying of cancer and he's doingan a me and he's trying to he's trying to minister to people, he'strying to lift people up and he doesn't even mention it. So I wouuldrun into people and alcoholics, anonymous that...

...was doing life with an attitude completelydifferent, obviously, of the way I did life. And they were alcoholicsjust like me. They were living illustrations that I didn't have to do itthat way, that I could have cancer and be dying and be happy.You know, somebody had told me you could have cancer and be dying andbe happy. I want to believe him, but I ran into a guy whohad cancer and he was dying and he was happy and was trying tohelp people. Doubt, you know, I ran I ran into guys likeI ran into guys like that. When you see it with your own eyes, it's hard to deny that it's possible. And you know what I wanted?What alt Kennedy had. I wanted that not scared of dying shit.I mean, I have the not drinking deal. I didn't have the notscared of dyeing deal. I didn't have to not worried about money deal.I didn't have them not lusting the Gut for women and Romance. I didn'thave the lot, not craving and lusting for everything, the things of thisworld deal. I didn't have an hit tex stuff. I can do youthat. We're eating lunch and I was listening, trying to find out whythey had this release that they seem to have. Bill looked across at mywife and said to her, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful tome, curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep talkingabout it and telling other people. I thought, I think I have theanswer. Bill was very, very grateful that he had been released from thisterrible thing and he had given God the credit for having done it and he'sso grateful about it he wants to tell other people about it. That sentence, that the Lord has been so wonderful to me, cure me of thisterrible disease that I just want to keep telling people about it has been asort of golden text for the a program and for me. So when thewhen I was about nine years sober, as I said, where they sayreally haven't seen a person Phil who has thoroughly followed our our fault, thoroughlyfollowed our path, they wrote that in nineteen thirty nine and and between nineteenthirty five, when a was born, and nineteen thirty nine, when thebig book was published, to thoroughly follow their path was not to read thebig book, because I don't think it should have to explain this, butI will, because the big book wasn't published yet. So if you wantto know what they were doing, what they were doing, if you arecurious enough. At some point in time, I did become curious about nine years, you would have to read Dr Bob and the good old timers andwith Dr Bottom goodld tims says. It says the books they found absolutely essential. Is what I said. was first with you as thirteen, sermon onthe Mount and the book of James, which is in the Bible. Now, of course they use the Bible. You could use the Bible and that'swhere all this stuff comes from, from the Oxford Movement and the Oxford Group, and you can read up on that if you really want to know whatthe source of material was, to read the context. But of course,but in order to do that, in order to read the Bible and readthe stuff they're reading, you'd have to get past your prejudice against organized religion. Of course, the big book says Sober People, People are actually workingthis program, who are working this program, will lose all prejudice, even againstorganized religion. They'll be they'll be able to look past the people andsee where those things are right and they'll try to adopt them. They'll eventhey even encourage church membership. But there are people able to do that andthere are people that have contempt, and that's I understand that. But butluckily for me, and even though I was, I was scared of thechurch thing and of the Bible thing because and the reason I was scared,to be honest with you, is not because I had any bad experiences,but because, as most alcoholics, one of the consequences, it says,unlesson until an alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences. Sobriety of meprecarious. A true happiness will find it at all. One of the consequencesis I want to be loved by people and looked up to and I don'twant people laughing at I worry very much about people's judgment. Thus the promisefear people in that continen screw willieve you as a big deal because most ofmy life. I think about being anxieties of my life. It's probably hasto do with money and it probably has to do with what people will thinkabout me. And even the money stuff, like not having a new car orlosing my house or being bankrupt, behind all that is well, ifthat happens to me, what will people think about me? So so,my getting, you're not having any self esteem or any self worth, beinga typical alcoholic who's always involved in self talk, saying you're a piece ofshit, as you're trying to tell yourself you're great and you're fantastic and betterthan everybody everything, but that comes from a personality that really thinks you're unworthyand you don't deserve to live. Being the typical alcoholic, what happens isI want people to accept me. I...

...wanted to accept me in the bar. I wanted to set me an AA and it doesn't take long, andand alcoholics anonymous, to realize that if you talk about God or the Bible, people going to laugh at you, they're going to you're going to feelhumiliated. So to go along because you know a lot of people sending youthese sort of messages, even though the big book says all about God.The message in Aa is I'm spiritual, not religious, you know, andwe're against church and we don't want to hear that stuff. You shouldn't talk. Now. That is not a a, by the way. That is notthe big book and that is not the program but that's pretty much thefellowship, which in a fellowship is not, well, people's anonymous. It's basicallymade up of people anywhere, because tween the ages of like one daysobriety and thirty years sobriety, that really would balk. And you know,basically they're all doing their own prog they're doing the same program I'm doing.I'm going to do everything in the big book except the Shit they don't wantto do. And of course, the one thing alcoholics don't want to do, we know this from chapter of the agnostic, is they don't want tohave to give their life to God. They don't want to have to dothat stuff because within the in the I mean that's the one big bugaboo ofA. is it? Well, why do we even have to do thisGod thing? That's what the guy said to Dr Bob. He said why? Why? Why is Godden for he says. It's everything Dr Bob said. That's why I said you're an atheist. Agnostic God some sort of intellectual pridethat keep it from this. I feel sorry for Your heavenly father willnever let you down. So understand if you're in a meeting of alcoholics,anonymous, even though God is the answer, seeing that your relationship with him isright and great events will happen. Your real reliance has to be onhim. We're on a new basis of trust, relying upon God. Wenever apologize for God. God either is or is and what your decision goingto be? You know that kind of stuff. You know this sort ofthinking has to be abandoned. I, fromire code of morals, better philosophyof life, could only write. You know, would have helped us,even though the whole thing is about even though the great fact is this andnothing less, that God has to become the central fact your life. Youhave to be convinced that lives in your hearts of mine, which that eventhough the whole book is about throwing your life utterly into God's love and thinkabout him and making a central fact understand your you're involved with a group ofpeople none of which one to do that. You understand. Nobody wants to dothat. And if you talk about God at a means, they aregoing to feel threatened. Even guys with fifteen, twenty years going to feelthreatened, especially if they are not doing it. You understand what I'm saying. You know, and so that's the deal. So understand your you havetwo things going. You have a disease that wants to kill you, want'sto kill you, and the only answer is God, utterly giving Your Lifeto God, and you got a fellowship that would rather not go there.And so just understand what you deal and you've got a disease that's telling youyou want people to accept you. You don't want to buck the tide.You'RE A follower, you're not a leader. Alcoholics or followers, we're not leaders. We want to you know. We don't want to take the chancethat people laugh at us. Okay. So going from there, moving on. So the books that cond absolutely necessary were first met the in thirteen surroundingout of the book of James. So when I was about nine years sober, I was sober and I was doing the program as hard as you coulddo the program probably, except for the God thing, although I'm not sayingI was anti good. I I held hands, I said, you know, I wasn't an atheist. I said all that stuff, but I wasn'tlike, like really into it, and you I certainly wouldn't be talking likethis. Okay, and but I wanted more. I wanted more because Inever I it seemed to me that all through my a life I always ranin, I was always looking at the old timers that had this release andI wanted what they had and I would meet to another one and another oneand another one that I want what they have, and I knew I wasdeficient. I knew there was more, and it seems no matter how faralong the road I got, there was always the sense that I hadn't Ihadn't got it yet. You know what I mean? I hadn't got Iknew there's somewhere, but I hadn't got it yet. No matter how farI went, no matter what I was doing it, it didn't even ifI was doing stepney's about sponsoring people, if I was speaking the circuit sweet, whatever the heck it was, I never felt like I got it.You know, there were always these guys that had it. They don't likeout. There was always the out Kenny's. I never had it, you know, and it's I'm not saying my sobriety was bad, I mean itwas. I settled, I was. I was settling, like it saysthe sixth book. I settled, you know, it's good enough, it'sokay, but it wasn't all Kennedy Sobriety. You know, there was always anxiety. It was always something, you know, like Rosanna down as alwayssomething. So so when I had nine years, what happened is my mydesire to get more put me in a...

...situation where I ran into a guywas suggested I go to Bible study. So I did and I sat nextto a man who ended up being my third sponsor, John Glenn, whohad sixty one years so briany, and it was a baptist preacher, whichis what God needed to put in my life at the time. So Iwould and I started studying the source material. And when I started studying the sourcematerial that they were reading in alcoholics anonymous, the big book, sortof it went from black and white to technicolor to me and a lot ofthings I didn't understand. I started understanding because I was reading it in thecontext of what they were reading it. So, for instance, when theysaid we, when they said kindly act once in a while isn't enough.We have to be to read the goods, be the Good Samaritan every day,capital, good, capital, g capitals. I read in Luke whatthey were reading. I read the the parable of the good samarity. SoI knew what the Good Samaritan was and I studied the Good Samaritan and whatit came from, what they were so when they wrote it, I knewwhat they were thinking. And then I read the book of James. Andwe have some things in Ay that a sort of mysterious and and and youknow, something will always be a sense of mystery to me. There's asense of mystery because God's involved that I'll never pierced with my mind. Andone of the things they have in Aa is this line half measures avail usnothing. You ever see that half man? You ever see that in a halfmeasure of Lus nothing what it says? It says we must get rid ofour old ideas, we must start. It tells us half measures of Elisnothing. We set it to templing. All that stuff I've never totally understoodthat. I mean, I hear it, but I don't understand it. There are like lines that you hear and you mouth and you say hearwhat they're saying, but you don't necessarily believe that half pleasures of Ellis nothing, because I wasn't doing this thing perfectly and I was sober. So howcan half measures avail you nothing? You understand can they avail you nothing?How's that possible when it's given me something? Of course I have like the mindof an aunt. I don't get it, I don't understand it.So then I read the book of James and this is what it I wantto read you something from the book of James. I want to look forthe word nothing. It says consider it pure joy. My brothers, thisis James Chapter One. And Sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, anybody they ever go through tough times, never go through trials and tribulations ina yeah, considered pure joy. My brothers and sisters, whenever youface trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faithproduces perseverance endurance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be matureand complete, not lacking anything. But if you lack wisdom, you shouldask God, who gives generously to all, without finding fault, and will begiven to you. But when you ask you must believe and not doubt. Not have any doubts, because the one who doubts is like a waveof the seed, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should notexpect, should not expect to receive anything. That person should not expect to receiveanything from the Lord. Such a person is double minded and unstable.And all they do. You know, for years after I came with theA, I have to admit and probably I still do it to a certainextent. You know how they say not only half measures of lse do youonly say? There's no middle of the road solution. God either is orhe isn't. There's no middle of the road solution. You can't love Godand the World God. And you know they say that he's got to bethe central fact. He's got been centrals fat number for years. One ofmy biggest problems, although I didn't realize it, is I had one footin God and I had another foot in the world. I had one eyeon you know what? I was in a and holding hands and saying theLord's prayer. I was thinking about God for thirty seconds or a minute maybe, in an a room. Let you think about and then I'm out thereactually trying to earn a living. You know, have sex, have romance, dud the I'm out there. I'm like, I'm like. Part ofme wants to be like Jesus, but a large part of me would ratherbe like you. Have no you know what I mean. I mean that'sthat's just the truth. I want to be like Jesus, but a billionaire. You know what I mean. I don't be like the poor Jesus.I want to be the rich Jesus in a Porsche. Okay, and myentire life, all, I would say, all my problems, I've always beena matter of wanting to be the good guy, wanted to be theright guy, wanted you the right thing, but wanting a lot of money andchicks. And I don't know why that Shit doesn't work. I don'tknow why. They say pseudo relationship with him is right. I don't knowwhy, but but apparently, apparently,...

...if you want that out Kennedy,kind of sobriety apparently you can't do it with half measures. I mean there'stwo types of a. You can have the not drinking AA. For thenext twenty, thirty years you could not drink and very you a miserable sonof a bitch, not really happy, or you gotta be Al Kennedy A, and apparently having the Al Kennedy a is so incredible. Being rocking inthe fourth dimension is so incredible. Experiencing much of having is so incredible.Apparently that kind of life, that kind of life, is so incredible.Just settling from your sobriety is like getting nothing. Is like getting nothing.It's like going to the banquet with a serving filet Mignon and lobster and walkingaway with a ham sandwich. It's like nothing, which is why this thisgreat emphasis on the God thing. And why that? Why that has todo with separating the men from the boys. So let me take it now.Let me get away from there and get through pick go through this fast. So I came downcoholics anonymous, and here's the deal with A. Idid the first time without any question. I came and I hit bottom.I hit bottom, you know, and I realized I was powers over alcohol. My life was unmanageable. But I came day, like most people comeday, because I wanted to stop drinking, and I came into a a.and this is what my thinking was. My thinking was is that I hada drinking problem. How many people came today because they have drinking problem? It's a reasonable place to go because, you know, the name is listen, the name is alcoholics anonymous. So if you think you have adrinking problem, probably the right place to go rather than the Kiwanis Club.You know what I mean? You know, it's just like writing the name.You know. So what happens is when you think you have a drinkingproblem, when you think your life is unmanageable because a drinking and you goto Aa, what you think for the first five years or so is youthink that your problem is drinking. So if you don't drink, you won'thave problems. Does that make any sense? So you sort of think that everythingwill be a okay with you. Your life is based okay as longas you don't drink, and so the whole emphasis, at least it seemsto you, during the first year, even though they're talking about probably otherthings. The probably talking about God, and for step and other things,but the whole efence, don't drink, even if you ask, falls off. You know what I mean? Just don't drink, go to me.It's okay, everything be okay if you just don't drink. Go to meansthat don't drink, everything's going to work out. So you actually start believingthat stuff and you start thinking that the disease has to do with drinking.Now, I know there are lines in the boocket. It says drinking isnot the disease, it's just a symptom of disease. Disease just the symptomof the disease. But you know, newcomers don't read that Shit. Really, people don't read. That's like advanced A. People come into alcoholics anonymousbecause of the drinking. It is the disease that to them, that isthe disease, the drinking. They even use it against you. When yousay do this, I say I'm not even thinking about drinking, I don'thave a drinking problem, I'm never going to drink again. They don't.They think drinking is the disease. So it's time. I thought drinking wasthe disease. I thought as long as I drank everything within drink, Iwould be okay. So then what happens is you get to the second step, and the second step is and I'm not saying anybody actually understand. I'veplease understand. When I came in here I had to near rns working.They were waving good bye to each other. I had no idea, none,zero, what these steps really meant. Yes, he really. There wasno way. I was clueless. But but when the step says cameto believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, Iunderstood about him. Come to believe a power greater than me. Maybe that'smy sponsor, maybe that's the group, maybe it's God, maybe it's theclouds. Who knows what it is? And if I focused on spiritual stuffI'd be okay. I'm sort of understood that, but I didn't quite getthe idea, even though I knew I was crazy. That's my fact.Didn't even bother me that was crazy. I knew I was crazy. That'swhy I like a a because everybody's fucking nuts, you know what I mean? I like it because are perfect. I like you because there's noody,as I am well but what happened is when I came to Aa, Ididn't realize that what they were really saying, and what they were really saying isI'm crazy, I am insane and I must be restored to sanity becauseI have insane thinking. My thinking is insane. I know nothing. Idon't know the truth from the false. My alcoholic life seems the only normalone. Most of the people I heard in my life, I heard holdstone sober, I heard many insane people, many of the irresponsible ways after comingday that I did before. I...

...was insane before I took my firstdrink. I was insane during my drinking. I've been insane for years after Istopped drinking. My insanity is in my mind, not my body.If that's nothing with alcohol, has the way, the way I see things. And here's the real problem. I don't even know how insane I am. And so when I take that third step, and I did the thirdwhy did I do the third step? I have no clue. I didthe search that because I wanted my sponsor to like me. I was.Did the third step because, like everything else, I got ahead and schoolI wanted everybody name do. I did the third step. I wanted toprogress, you know, I wanted to get the gold star and be votedpresident of alcoholics anonymous. Who knows why I did the third step, butI did. Okay, but here's the problem. When you do the thirdstay, I did search that within about three months. At my getting theprogram I got on my knees, I said the prayer, I locked thedoor and every like that. Nobody could see me and I got up andthen business as usual. But here's the problem. When I did the thirdstep, I was still insane. You understand what I'm saying. When Idid the third step, I was still in listen, I want to tellyou something. I was insane for a good ten year, Fifteen, twentyyears. I may be quite frankly, I may have a touch of itstill right now. I may not have got there's a possibility. Don't relyentirely what I say to you. I May, I may still have alittle bit of it. As a matter fact, I know I do.But it's a lot better. Okay, but when I first did the thirdstep, but I gave my life and I read the prayer and everything likethat. There's a big difference with doing the third step when you're insane andyou don't know you're insane, and doing the sixth step, which is likethe third step on steroids, when you actually know what the hell you're doing. There's a big difference between being christened in Church when you're seven days oldand you don't know Shit and making an actual decision to give your life toGod when you're twenty years old or thirty years old or forty years a big, big difference. When you when you when you realize, when you're actuallydoing something, you know what the hell you're doing. My sponsor used tosaid, used to say the first step in getting out of jail is knowingyou're in jail in the first place. I thought my jail cell look likea bottle, and my jail cell did look like a bottle. My lifebecame a model. But you cannot get out of jail. After you getrid of the bottle, after you get rid of the drinking, you arein a different jail. The jail you're in is a jail called alcoholism,and it's a bad jail and you can't get out of it. You canstop the drinking, you can't stop the nasty and screwed up thinking. Andhere's the problem. My sponsor was right. The first step and get out ofjail's knowing you're in jail the first place and at four months, atfive months, at one year, at five years, at tension. Ihad no idea what that jail really look like. You know what happens whenyou do the fourth step in the fifth step? I'll tell you what happenswhen you do the four step in the fifth step. It's like walking intoa dark room with a with a small flashlight and you get a little bitof an idea of what the jail cell looks like. You got a littleidea what the jail cell looks like. Believe me, you don't see theentire jail cell, but you get a little bit of an idea what thejail cell looks like. You have no idea the kind of jail. You'reready. You get to say things to your sponsor like you don't understand,or I'm different, or you got to know the whole story because you don'tunderstand what the jail but if you do the fourth step in the fifth step, you get an idea what the jail cell of selfishness and self centeredness andwith alcohol, but the craziness of alcoholism looks like so that by the timeyou go through the fourth and fifth step, your whole perception goes from feeling likeyou're a victim and feeling sorry for yourself for feeling sorry for the peoplethat had to put up with you. It's a whole complete paradign change,because now you see the jail cell you're in. Now you realize your bestthinking got you in there, and then for the next ten or fifteen yearsyou get to stumble around, make mistakes, hurt people, live with them onyour mind, go three night anxiety, make amends, do all this stuffjust so you can see how big and how bad the jail cell reallyis. Just so at six years sobriety you can see, man, thisreal. This is a serious disease. I don't even think you get areal good glimpse of this disease until you got ten years sobriety. I don'teven know what the hell you're dealing with. In you you got fifteen year sobrietyand they tell you got cancer, you get fired or your wife leaves. You're a it happens to you. You start you learned every time mylife turns to shit and things go bad...

...and I go crazy, I getto learn a little bit more about how crazy and sick I am. Andyou can't get out of this thing unless you've been at least turn that flashlightup, those plead like lights up somewhere around I don't know where. Idon't even know where it was. I want to say nine years. Maybeit was ten, maybe was seventeen, maybe was twenty, maybe was toidem no idea, I'm sure. After I start going a Bible study andhanging around John Glen and everything like that, I started really getting involved in thatsixth and seven step because I wanted, because I had got to the pointwhere I was sober over ten years. So I had to quote respect thepeople in a A. I was speaking around rooms, my business wasgo was doing okay in business and other things and stuff like that. Iwas respected in a, but I knew there was something missing. Man,for me there's nothing worse than being an AA and being sober and having timeand knowing that something's missing and not being able knowing that it's watching men.I didn't want what I didn't want. I looked at a, I lookedat people in A. I love them, I love people, I love sponsoredyou, I love doing everything, but I didn't want what everybody hadan AA at ten years I I wanted what Aut Kennedy had. I wantwhat Joe Sneider had. I wonder what the guys with three thousand and thirtyfive the guys that I wanted and I can never quite grasp it. Ican never quite I thought if I hung around them, if I just hangout with him, I could get it. You know, and it is true, that if you hang with them and you see how they think andyou hear what they think, but there's there's something about you got it.You got my sponsor to say, with a man with experience, with's aman with money, the man with experience and walk away with the money andthen with the money will walk away with their experience. There's something about havingto walk through the fire, walk through the cancer twice, walk through theforeclosure, walk through the bullshit, walk through the stuff, trusting in God, trusting in God, trusting in God, trusting in God, turning it over, turning it over, serenity, prayer, serenity, prayers, serenity, prayer, so that it's immense in your mind where one day, likeit says the Big Book, God be son comes a central fact in yourlife and you're absolutely convinced, without doubt, that he's working in your heart andmind, when the way which is in deemed miraculous. He's doing foryou what you can't do for yourself, and you can't. You can't tellsomebody they've got to do it, you can't boss somebody that they have todo it, you can't direct them that they got to believe. You know, this faith is not taught. It's got to be caught. You gotto catch it, you got to be infected by it. You've got togo through the struggles and the bullshit of life and turn it over. That'show you get a new perspective right repeated humiliations and the final crushing of yourself sufficiency. So you go through it so many times because, no matterhow many times God saved you, no matter how many times it works,the next time you're sure he's not going to show up. You got togo through it so many times where you become convinced on the two thousand timeyou're broke. You got to be able to say to yourself, I'm noteven worried of that because it's happened to thousand times and the Lord has alwaysgot me out of this. I don't even give a shit anymore, youknow what I mean, because I know God's going to help me out ofthis. You got to go to the cancer and saying, you know,I'm not even worried about if I die, I die, if I live,I live. I'm just going to trust the Lord. I know he'sgoing to get it out of it. And I don't know how you getto that point where you go from a scared shitless alcoholic trying to manage everybodyin the life. I don't know how you get to that point where,no matter what happens in your life, you've been through it a thousand timesand God has saved a thousand times. So you finally believe that your lifeis in his hands and you just got to trust in him to do itright. And you know I'm not. I think the only way you doit is you got to go through it. The only way you do it isyou got to go through it. I can't tell you when it happened, but I can tell you this. I reached the point in my lifewhere I made a serious decision. I didn't settle, I made it theserious decision that like go listen to the Lord has been so wonderful to me. Turn me of this table disease I got to keep talking about and tellother people. I made a serious decision for God, and I think that'swhen I became I think that has to do with that. Says this isthe step that separates from men, from the boys, and I knew whereall the power was, I knew where all the weather credit belonged, andthen I started living a life praying to God that he would remove this crazinessand these defects of character. Knowing, knowing that, I've kept on focusingon him, it says, it says once you make that decision for him. Also, it's remarkable things happen. Being all powerful. He's not thehigher power, shit higher power. For me as a redhead, it's notthe higher power, it's the highest power.

You know what I mean, thehighest power knowing if I stay close to him, he will give meeverything I need, if I stay close to him and perform his work well, and so my whole life has to be focused on God and performing hiswork. Well, and I'll tell you what's happened to me. I canonly report. What's happened to me is, after that stuff started happening over andover again, I started focusing more and more God. You know something, I stopped worrying about what people thought about me and they you know,this talk I'm giving you right now is no different than every anytime. Anybody'sever listen to me knows that every time I give a talk I'm talking aboutgood, I'm talking about this. It bothers you. Let me tell yousomething bothers you. You need to look. Yeah, you want to talk toyour sponsor about it. The boy, you know, whenever you disturbed,matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. If my talkingabout God bothers you, you just thank God that Bill Wilson and Dr BarberNot your sponsors. You better be. You ought to read the book andbe happy that they're not just sponsor. That you get that you get tohang around people on a a that are sort of soft pedaling the God thing. You get to do the a light thing. You know what I mean. I can't afford to do you know why I can't afford to do it? The A light thing. Aa has turned me into an absolute whip.I really am. I one of the great things about being an Alky,let me tell you. The greatest thing about being alky is you can livea miserable, miserable, self centered, guilt ridden, fear ridden life anddo relatively okay. I mean for thirty one years I lived like a completejerk, a self centered, selfish Asshole, and I did pretty well. Imean, I mean as long as you can drink. I mean,I'm with the drinking you got. If you drink, you can be anasshole for many years and feel like you're doing absolutely well. My problem is, and it's a serious problem, I came into alcoholics anonymous and I stoppeddrinking and I've got to the point in my life where I can't stand guilt, I can't stand fear, I can't tell you I can't stand misery,I can't stand not being at peace and not having the release. I mean, I just can't stand it. It just drives me clear. There isno fear like sober fear. There is no guilt like sober guilt. Ican't take it like I used to take when I was eighteen years old,than I ca I can't just do shit, anything I want to do, andget away with it and just make believe that I'm giving a probably.I mean it just kills me. And thank God, in making God thecentral fact of my life and doing these exercise that we do, I wasgiven a way of life where I don't ever have to live that way again. I was given a way of life where I don't have to feel guiltyanymore, where I never have to be in fear, where I can beat peace with myself. Like the Apostle Paul said, I've learned to becontent and all, where I can have some form of equanimity. And forme, and the only thing I can talk about is my own personal life, this is all I'm talking about. For me, this is inextricably intertwinedwith having faith in with with having serious and committed and utter faith in God. I don't I if I what what I have proven to myself is selfconfidence does not work for me, and I'm a guy who can. I'mif anybody can break up being self confident. I accomplished a lot as an idiot, as an idiot not knowing anything. I accomplished a nothing this world withthe things that I accomplished, okay, before I was twenty five years old. Okay, where I could say intelligence and self if intelligence and selfconfidenceand acquiring degrees and honors and everything like that, and jobs and everything likethat where the answer, I wouldn't be in alcoholics anonymous. That never workedfor me. Money never worked for me. The girls never work for me asmy back the money. For me, focusing on money and focusing on womenand focusing on cars made things worse for me. Always made things worsefor me. They were always the things I worried about. The only thingthat ever worked for me is when I got rid of all those things andfocused on God. And the only way I can actually focus on God isI had, I had to make the decision not only to focus on him, to focus on him a six step decision, but make him the centerpieceof my life and become willing to give up all those other things. Youknow, when I become willing to give up all those defects of character,when I become willing to give up those of the defects of character, Ibecome willing, I become I'm telling God, I'm willing to give up the money. That doesn't mean he's going to...

...take the money. They'll. Ican make a lot of money. I'm doing better now than I've ever donein my life. You know what I mean. But I've got to bewilling to give up the money, which basically means give up the idea thatin order to be happy, I have to have something. I have tobe willing to give up the women. I have to be willing to giveup the cars at all. I got to be willing. It's not enoughto say, well, I just want to be nicer. I want toI don't want to be jealous, I don't want to be envious, Idon't want I got to be a willing to give up the materials, focusingon the material stuff and want more than anything else, to grow in hishand. You know, that's what the six step is all about. Weare person does the six step, looking up in the book and says he'smade a decision to grow in the image and likeness of his creator. Youknow now my creative my deal, happens to be Jesus. That's a wholeother thing that I wanted to get into, but I can tell you about him. He didn't have a lot of dough then have a lot of money. Wasn't what he wasn't driving around in the tablet, but yet he hadhe had something else. He had the outcade, he had that Alt Kennedything. I got to make a decision, you know. I got to makea decision for God. I got to see the suit of my relationshipis right. I can't apologize. I don't sit here, I don't goto a meetings. I hear it all the time. Well, I'm got. Well, I'm sorry, I have to I know I talk too muchabout God all. I'm sorry I have to talk about how. I'm sorryI mentioned God. You know, people are so apologetic. We got abig book, he says we never apologize for God. We never apologize forour faith in God. We show how it demonstrates. That's that's that's akey makes they repeat it twice. Never be ashamed of relationship. Got It. That is the only thing that's going to lift you up. And I'min an a where everybody's scared of etching God and whatever they do, theyapologize for it. It's Puky, crappy, unbelievable. You won't catch me doingthat stuff, you know, because I believe I have an obligation.I mean, if everybody in a is going one way, I'm still goingto go this way. I got, you know, even more so Ihave an obligation at at thirty nine years and my forty year. If I'mnot talking about what they are talking about in the big book, if I'mscared. You know something, if I'm scared to talk about it, thenmy sobriety is shit. Then I don't have any sobriety. I lived myentire life worrying about what other people thought about me. I'm not about tospend one second, you know, in fear of other people in their judgment. I mean dozens, not what the promises say. Fear of people andof economic insecurity will leave you. You know, I'm not scared of whatyou guys think about me. I'm more concerned about what God thinks about me. But the man who actually what? The Person? Let me tell yousomething. I'm not worried about people that aren't even playing pay my visa bill. You know I mean. I I am concerned more about the person.Listen, God got me to where I am right now and I'm grateful whathe did for me and it's like go Wilson said, the Lord has beenso wonderful to me. Krimians, some of these guys got to keep talkingabout and telling other people. You know, you know, God blessed, ifI ever get ashamed of that deal, I won't have what I have rightnow. And so that's what the seventh step is about. To me. It's about getting humble. It's about getting humble and getting on my kneesand asking him for help. It's about it's about realizing and appreciating the valueof suffering, suffering for God, suffering because it's about understanding that if youwant the God thing, if you're focused on God, then you will suffer. It's about understanding that you're accepting if I have to suffer, if Ihave to suffer. And, believe me, if you're an alcoholic, alcoholic stone, alcoholics don't change because your pat them on the back necessarily. Letme taste. I'll tell you how I change an alcoholic by humiliation, bypain and suffering. If I've got to suffer, if I've got a sufferto be more like alt Kennedy, then I'll accept that and I won't cryabout it and I won't want about it and I'll be grateful for that andI'll try to grow in his image and likeness. You know, I everyonce in a while somebody will be nice to me and they'll give me acompliment. What happens? Once in a while they come up and they alwayssay it this way. They say, I don't want to, I don'twant to, I don't want to give you a big head, but youreally help me out or something. That's a media test. And I sayto him it's the truth. I said, trust me, you're not going togive me any big head at all. You know, I know exactly whoI am. I know who I am. I've lived in my myselffor seventy one years and I know where this all comes from. It itdoesn't come from me. This has nothing to do with me, not,not on nothing. And even though I'm talking and I'm just being honest withyou, here's the bottom line. And...

...now, because I I'm not Idon't know how to teach this stuff or any of that stuff. All Ido it any means is I ask the Lord to give me the words tosay that might help somebody. I'm absolutely appreciated the fact that everybody hears differentthings and, you know, different deals, and I just asked that they giveme the words to be talking honestly about what's happening in my life.Okay, and that's all I can do and and I'm and I prayerfully.I'm just telling you. I the one thing I can tell you is I'mnot lying to you. The one thing I can tell you is I'm notlying to you about my life and about what's happened to me in the lastforty years and what's going on in my life right now. Okay, andso you know, look, you, if you know, if you wantwhat I have, then you know, you might want to think about it. If you don't, that's okay too. They no big deal. You knowthe same address. I can say this and ain't address rehearsal. Thisis your life, you know. You don't want to get you want toend well, you don't want to get to the end of your life andsay, Oh shit, maybe I should listen to that guy, maybe I'mman yeah, maybe I'm doing this wrong. You know that kind of thing.Don't be worrying about what other people think about you. Don't be focusingon other people. Don't be focusing on things. You know what I mean. Do what you want something that most people don't have. You want somethingthat most people in a will never have. Be Willing to do what most peoplein a will never do. You want what most people don't have anAA. Be Willing to do what most people will never do. You hearpeople say, well, if they did that when I came in, Iwouldn't be here. Stay away from those people. Stay away from those peopleyou want. You see people that are angry at about God, angry aboutthe church, pissed off about that stuff. Don't like the deal. You know. Stay away from those people, you know, unless you want whatthey have. If you want that kind of sobriety, it's available in alcoholics. Anonymous. Mean spirited, pissed off sobriety is available in alcoholics anonymous.It really is. I mean the same. Well, people sit onice, butyou know you but I'll tell you what. You read the Big Book. You read what they say about God and your commitment to God and howyou supposed to look at them and half measures of Ellis nothing. You figureout with it. You figure out where whether they soft pedal in the bigbook. You figure out what a soft pedal God. In the big bookaboutoholics, anonymous, don't look for the loopholes. Don't look for the loopholes. That's what alcoholics do. They look for the loopholes. Do you knowthere's a line in the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous, saying we encouragechurch membership. That's what it says. Church and synagogue, we encourage it. We want you to get next to people that are focusing on and searchingfor God. And then it says this line. Most, most of usare involved in that stuff, but it's not obligatory. Now we have booknessas really haven't seen a person fail, who fail, who has thoroughly followedour path. We have a line from the founders saying we encourage church membership. Most of US belong to churches, some of US don't. It's notobligatory. There are people, believe it or not, I may, thatfocus on encouraging the founders encourage church membership. They encourage us to do that.That's what they did in order to get them to where they had togo. And you got people that focus on that and they said, well, why shouldn't I do that? And then you are other have other peopletell you about. It's not obligatory. You have other people that say,well, it doesn't say I have to do it. You have a choiceof who you want to hang with. The people who are taking suggestions andhave an open mind and are saying, well, if most of the foundersdid this and they're encouraging it, well, shed I don't care whether it's obligatoryor not. I'm doing it, and those who say, well,they don't say I have to do it, so I'm not doing I mean,there are consequences to your decisions. I mean grow up and be adults. There are consequences to this, SI. What you decide is going to haveto do with your life. It's going to have to do with whereyou're going to end up. So that's all I have to say. Thankyou very much. So how bad.

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