AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 36 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Step 7: Humility - Let perseverance finish its work

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

You guys isn't anybody here, I'm justwonderin. I see a couple of guys that look like they H, Beelong, the two theyabou hear over the age of seventy then'lt, be ashame oerata Ti just I'mjust wondering n Whan. I said to the crowd your others.Curtis will courtis will understand what I'm talking about anybody else.What about you rich? You look like you're, nineties or something I don'tknow. What's going on, you've been drinking too much, nobody else! That's it just curtishow's the Lonamy Jamie good, good, it's good! You know I, I think byther way, myname's Russell, I'm an OUTHALT IV! You haven't met me so far and it's good tosee guys. I I'm a little FA I haven't had I haven'tfound that am drink since January, Twenty First Ni, twenty fit nine teenand eighty one and UH married thirty. Nine years o got fourkids, adult kids and seven grandkids and h been doing this thing for a while,and I want to talk o a little bit about my life. The tragedy that is my tanthand I'm just goingto talk about my experience with this thing. I'm goingto actually believe it or not and you're go t. You may not leave this. Iwill get around to step seven. As a matter of fact, this entire talk willbe on step. Seven, but but listen trust me in this. It just won't look like it hit, won't, look like it, but you'regoing to have to wait until you'l five minutes before I finish, you mightfigure it out, so you just got you're going to have to unfortunately do somework on this, I'm not going to spoon Te Swoonfo Y, I'm just going to throw outsome stuff, thrwod some stuff and maybe it'll allcome together. It's always amazing to me whether it all comes together. ARD.Not I mean this is going to depend on you. You know there's like what eighty seveneighty eight people and this thing is going to be like eighty eight meetingsgoing on some, you can hear some things. Other people don't hear Ote things andthat's what I've learned. Rot e really depends upon where you're at so I'mgoing to talk about H. Six and seven are two of my favoritesteps and one of the reasons they're, my favorite steps is they're, probablythe ones that arme most involved in they are wh N. I, when I believe theyare the motor in e t there, the steps that do separate the men from theBloyce and they're the thing that really takes us up into the thirtyfenty years into emotional emotional surprise. So I'm going tothrow out a couple of things and hopefully 'llyou'll hear somethingbefore this whole thing is done. I'm going to read some things out of bigbotcomingup quote some things. Some in tell you afew things about a life and about what steps upan means to me and H. that'sthe deal! So let me let me first start by reading something from outfausononthis nume three. There is a story in the book by BillDoxs and Bill Dotson is the man on the bed, have youe ever been into an eightroom? You've seen that picture of bill and Bob with a Bible in their hands B Tit was somewhere around nineteen, thirty, seven or so thirty. Six, thirty five! I don't knowsomething like that and they were. There was a man on the bed and that manon the bed in those funky looking t shirt was bill. Do phose one whowouldclop the nurse and they had come to twelve stepon orTaugkt to hem, give him the good news and they had the Bible, becausebewee.Nineteen, thirty, five, a nineteen, thirty nine. When the book waspublished Te and had the big book about top ynoymous of the books, they foundabsolutely essential. What they said were absolutely essential was firstgrintin an thirteen servon on the Oun ind, the book of James. As a matter offact, we were almost called the James Club, the junk drugs of the James Club,and so that's what they used basically to twelve step people, and so they were the guy on the bag was Bill Dotson. Hewas Oup ausinous number three and he has a story. His storyis in the book and there's one of the great lies thatTslliot says all these things are like repeated overand ope again I found all these concepts are repeved in the big Bouk,the epev in the Bible, Theyre rimpedant all, and they repeated all theimportant literature same thing, just different words and one of the thingsthat Bill Dotson says. I mean that Tsll Ha said in the fourquatrains, as he has this loing. He says we will not cease our exploration andwhen we come to the end of our seeking and our exploring, we will come to theplace where we began. Having known the place for the first time and H, I sprend forty years in Alcoholis,anonymous and seventy one years on the planet to come to the place where, where Ibegan, having now knowing the place for the firsttime, I don't even know how to explain itother than that you Knowi came, I I came inthe alcoholAon, this clueless listen. I I...

...graduated with department, OES andmathematics. I was going for my PhD, an Algebraic topology. I went to law school. I was a nationalsons, Science Foundation. Fellow, I was a division chief before I wastwen before I was twenty. Let Me See before I was twenty six years old, Ihad already tried thir twenty murder cases before joy trav. I was just a murder, T,murder cases and H, and I knew everything I was always thesmartest guy n room, but that's all I knew I knew nothing. I was clueless there's a line by some psychitrist orsome spiritual Guywho says if you get the age of thirty five and you have no idea why you're on theplanet, so what your purpose is you're going to be, to a certain extent erotic-and I was always one nerotic son of the bitch. I can tell you that I had no clue, but I didn't know I had no clue. I wasoperating on an automatic pilot. I was operating on selfishness and selfsuddenness, though I didn't think so, fell itself, Tho, selfdelusion and fear doing all the stuff they talke about.In the big book I came Topoaamas I was I was. I came oomis to stop drinkingafter I stopped Dr. I came in cluless and to stop drinking after I stoppeddrinking. I was just clueless, which was clueless. You know I had no clue.Thank O Blessin is the alcoholic that comes in clules and knows he's cluelesssand is the alcoholii who comes adot Bosinonus and stop striking e Dixi,actually knows what the fuck Y's talking ofthat. You know guys have saythings like you, don't understand an that kind of shit. You know so on any ament. I want. I want to readthis thing from the Big Blok. This is Thi aposanomymous number three. This is ou page one, nine to one. Youcan check it out, I'm not I'm not laying anything on you that isn't quoteconference approved okay. So this is what this is. WhatBill Dotson said it would be hard to estimate how muchae has done for me. I really wanted the program and Iwanted to go along with it. I noticed that others. I noticed thatothers. You know that mind the book. If youwant, we have and you're willing to get anulate to get it is anybody ever walked into an a room.Sober two years over three or sover five years, Ol Round R oing sover andmet somebody, a man or a woman that H, you know they were suffering you or so,but you knew thet had something you didn't have y've. You ever see aspeaker who said I don't know you're both sober. You know what I mean:You're booth at a a we're all equal. You know, but you would say to yourself man I wish wish Si could av what he has.I wish it would be like them. I wish I could be lic Yehav that ever happened.Mein there was something about 'em. You knowI came in. I had when I had three years sobriety. I would see guys for thirtyyears. I wanted to have thirty years in six months. You know you know Ho. It took me a longtime to realize that the only way to get thirty years is you got to put inthirty years. Is that a bitch, especially if you're impatient? Youknow I wanted what they had? There wasalways something that had something that I wanted, that I didn't know howto get so this, what don't want te Dot Incessi. I like reading this pus, because this really matches up with me.If I I'm reading this. This is this is Bill Doxson, but I'm telling you thisis my story. This is my when you read about him and what he was doing, whathe was thinking. This is me going o a meeds. It would be hard to Asthimat how much ait has done for me. I really wanted the program I wanted to go along with it. Inoticed that others seemed to have such a release, a happiness o something Ithought a person ought to have. I was trying to find the answer. I knewthere was even more more something that I I hadn't got, and I remember one day a week or twoafter I had come out of the hospital dill he's thought about. Bel Wilson wasat my house talking to my wife and try, and I was trying to find out why theyhad this release. Why they had this release that theyseemed to have oknowhow how the promises that we alllike to read. You know how it says: You're going to be Rockiin, the fourthdimension of existence, which we had not even dreamed hey. What would that be like...

...what would be? We ever try to wonderwhat that problem wit there was OAA. Would that feel like to be rockining inthe fourth dimension of existence of which would not even dream a Jus someon,the sort of throwin the bow up? Ten rely, basically bullshit, it doesn'thappen, or I mean they're, not talking about anxiety either anybody ever been soverful al and stillsianybody ever had my angiety sover youever have an anxiety. You Eve't findsel worried about stuff. You ever worry about other people or their judgment or you.What do they say that promise fear of people and a vectot you Havn't worryedabout money? U Never worry about materiablly Evr, worried about whenpeople are Thinka Aague what they might think bad y. What might happen O yeever? You ever worry about stuff like thatfive years, over ten years, O or fifteen years old Y, ever you ever sayto yourself what am I going to be rocket, an the Fort Dimension ofexistence and experience, much o heaven you ever work, you ever say to yourselfmenage, it ain't, never going to happen for me, you ever get to scourage, no otherbooks as do not be discouraged, so you say whe're Goin to go. I wonder why people like the promisesbeing read. You know people love to hear thepromises. You know it's almost like read it to me again,maybe one day it will actually happen to me. You know, wouldn't that be greatwoald. It be great if it wasn't bullshit and then says we'll experience much ofheaven we're going to experience much ofheaven well whatever that is. I knew there was even more something I hadn'tgot, and I remember one day a week or two after I had come out of thehospital bill was at my house talking to my wifeand me: We were eating lunch and I was listening and trying to find out. Why they hadthis release that they seemed to have? I saw a guy speaking of the MEEAN. Ihad three months opride as thing without Keditin. I might imagined themlast week. Most good stuff is worth repeating. Idon't mind Ipena Sto, I think Ol Vaut need repetition. I know I did. I need to hear the samething over and over and over again you know. I have a line, those who getmy my emails. You know one of the lines I have my my emails is h. What is the line on an iredancy rightnow that I love to read 'cause, it's so true, it's so true in my acoholic life,one of the lines of my emails is this. It says Tryn, remember who wrote this line truly a man may look and a thing, nine hundred and ninety nine times andnot see it once then look at it for the thousand timeand see it for the first time, atever happened to you. U Ever readsomething in the big book that you know. You've read before here's something anBeeve that you know you've heard before, but all of a sudden it's like a wholeme. It's like a bigdeal. It becomes like a big meal to you, like all se, like man, you seesomething and you never saw before like for the first time I mean that'shappened to me so many times so it says H, Il was at my housetalking t my wife. We were eating much and I was listening and trying to findout why they had this reliese that they seemed to have so this Ou cannedy guygave us incredible talk. He had about thirty years. He was aboutseventy years old and it was such a good talk. It was so inspiring. I saidto my sponsor I said Man I wish I could hang around, that guy w Wi Phesigo to and my sponseturned osas. You know he'sdying of cancer and I said- and I thought I said to him- I he heard thatasaid no on Tolkn Ahout, the guy just at the meeting he says yet that guy he's dyiing ofPanc. I said what you man, just t: The SEIDN SANGTING BA SAS J had six monthsto live and he was bad in six months now. Can I never forget that I'll? Never forget that you I'll! Neverforget you know. You know you see you meet people in aegg, you see things in Aa know I used to say things like. If I was feelingsorry for myself, I would say I thought there was. I thought there was no otherway of doing things except for feeling. Sorry for yourself, and I would say things like this wellsure, that's easy for you to say you're not going on through it. If you weregoing tough, the same thing, you would feel the same way. I really believethat I really believe I would kill you with the piece that you ot, that I wasso geey. Yet if it happened to you, you would be doing the same thing andhere's a guy who's dying of cancer and he's doing a a e He's trying to he'strying to Minister Tho people he's trying to lift people up and doesn'tevo mention it. So I would run into people inalthoanonymous that was doing life with...

...an attitude completely different opisit of the way I did like and they werealcoholics just like me. They were living illustrations that Ididn't have to do it. That way that I could have cancer and be dying and behappy. You know, if somebody had told me youcould have cancer and be dying and be happy. I wouldn't believe him, but Iran into a guy who had cancer and he was dying and he was happy and histrying to help out yo I ran I ran into guyslike. I am Rann to guys like thatwhen you see it with your own eyes, it's Whar to deny that it's possible,and you know what I want witout get anything I wanted that NOTCA O dying ship. I mean I had the not drankim deal I nowtheyre, not scared O die in deal. I didn't have to not worrid about moneydeal. I didn't have the OT LUSTIN AGO forwomen and Romance I didn't have to l not craving and lusting, for everythingthe things of this world deal. I've neer get tex stuff, I coul day that we were eating lunch and I waslistening ind trying to find out why they had this reliease that they seemedto have till looked across at my wife and saidto her Henrietta. The Lord has been so wonderful to me curing me of thisterrible disease that I just want to keep talking about it and telling otherpeople. I thought I think I had the answer. Il was very very grateful that he hadbeen released from this terrible thing and Heh, given God the credit forhaving done it and he's so grateful about it. He wants to tell other peopleabout it that sentence that the Lord has been so mondherful to me. Cur Me ofthis telnsease that I just want to keep telling people about. It has been asort of golden text for the a programan for me. So in the when I was about nine years sober as I said where they say rally Hav seen Teprcofil TWAS thoroughly folloed our Aur f thoroughly followed our pass. Theywrote that in Nineten, thirty nine and betwee nineteen thirty five, when awas born on and nine hndred and thirty nine, when the big book was published, the thoroughly followed their path wasnot to read the big book, because I don't think it should have to explainthis. But I will because the big book wasn't published Ye. So if you want to know what they weredoing, what they were doing, if you are curious enough at some point in time, Idid become curious at about nine years, you would have to read Doctor Bob, Ithe good old tiers and what Doctor Bob Notbletoms says. It says the books.They found absolutely essential, as what I said was first Mitea, thirteensermon on the mout and the book of chains, which is in theBible. Now, of course, they use the Bible. Youcould use the Bible and that's where all this stuff comes from from the OSFORD movement and the OxfordGroup. And you can read U on that. If you really want to know what the sourceof Maturia was to read in contact, but of course, but in order to do thatin order to read the Bible and read o stuff there, reading you'd have to getpast through a prejudice against organized religion. Of course, the big book says SoberPeople. People are actually working this program, who are working Tis prophim will lose all prejudice even against organized religion. They'll bethey'll, be able look past the people and see where those things are rightand they'll try to adopt them. They'll even Daven encourage church membership, but there are people able to do that,and there are people that have contempt, and that's I understand that, but butluckily for me- and even though I I I was scared of the church thing, an ofthe Bible thing because h and the reason I was scared to be honest- wit-O. U, you was not because I had any bad experiences but because, as mostalcoholics, one of the consequences says temlessenuntil an alcohol IC accepts as Alchois inoll. Its consequences, sepriding beprecarious, UT, true happiness of in at all, one of the conseuences is, I wantto be loved by people and looked up to, and I don't want people laughing at. Iworry very much about people's judgment. Thus the promise fear people tacknoinscrew believe you was a big deal because most of my life, I think aboutthe anxieties in my life t it probably has to do with money, and it probablyhas to deal with what people will think about me and even the money stuff likenot having a new car or losing my house or being bankrupt behind all that isWoif. That happens to be whatold. People think about it. So so my gettingnot having any self esteem or any self worth being a tipcal ALCOHOLC WHO's,always involved in self talk, saying your apiece of ship as you're, tryingto tell yourself your Grad and you're, fantastic and better than everybody andeverything, but that that comes from a personality that really thinks you'reunworthy and you don't deserve to live being the typical alcoholic. Whathappens is I want people to accept me?...

I want to to accept me in the bar Iwanted to set me in AA. It doesn't take long an in Alcoomus to realize that ifyou talk about God, the Bible, people re Goingno, laugh at you, they're Gongto you're Gong to feel humiliated so to go along because you know a lot ofpeople sending you these sort of messages, even though the big book saysall about God. The message ANAA is Um, I'm spiritual, not religious, you knowand we're against church, and we don't want to give that stuff and youshouldn't talk now. That is not a otherway. That is not the big book, andthat is not the program, but that's pretty much the fellowship which thetelship is not wil. PEOPLS anonist. It's basially made up of peopleanywhere between the ages of like Monday sobriety and thirty years.sopriety. That really would Bo Baki. You know basically they're all doingtheir own pro they're doing the same program. I'm doing I they Onta doeverything in the big book except the Shit. They don't want to do and, ofcourse, the one thing I ca don't want to do. We know this Wi Haptiv ignostic.If they don't want to have to give their life to got, they don't want to have to do thatstuff, because within th in the I mean that'sa one big Bugebo, there isn't it.Why do we even have do thi got thing? That's what the guy said to Wa do or Bob. He said why why Whyasgotenporter? He says it's everything Doctor bousaid! That's why I saidyourenates ADNASTA got some sort of intellectual pride that keep from this.I feel sorry of you. Your heavily fan will never let you down so understandif you're an Omeanin about taults anonymous, even though God is theanswer, seeing that that realayshop with him is right and great events willhappen, your real reliance has to be on him. Wron e new bases of frestn Te Lineupon God. We never apoogized for God, doding there is there. He isn't which adecision s going to be. You know that kind of stuff. You know this ont, Othinking has to be abandoned. If Marcodo moral, better philosophy oflife could orally Drik, you know wouldve helled us, even though thewhole thing is about even though t the great fact is, this is nothing lesslike God has to be dom the sentral fact of your life. You have to be convincedthat lives in your Poxomomis, even though the whole bloock is aboutthrowing your life utterly into God's love and thinking about him and makinga sential fact understand your you'r you're you're involved with a group ofpeople, none of which want to do that. You understand nobody wants to do that and if you talk about God, an any meanstheyare going to feel threated, even guys with fifteen and twenty years,a r going to feel threaded, especially if they're not doing you understandwhat I'm saying you know and h. So that's the deal sounderstand. Yo. You have two things going. You have a disease that wants tokill. You wants to kill you and the only answeris God utterly giving Your Life to God and you got a fellowship that would rather not go there and so just understand what you do andand you've got a disease just telling you you want people to accept you, you don't want to buck thetide, you're a follower you're, not a leader. I thought your followers we'renot leaders we WANTA youknow. We don't want to take thechance of people laughing okay, so going from there moving on so the books they got. Actually anessay whe first went ts, Thirteen Soro an out of the book of James. So when Iwas about nine years sober, I was sober and I was doing the program as hard asyou could do the program, probably except for the God. Then, although I'mnot saying I was Antigod, I I held hands. I said that I wasn't nathyest. Isent all that stuff, but I was like like really into it, and I curdeny wouldn't be talking likethis okay and but I wanted more. I wanted morebecause I never. It seems to me that, all through my a life, I always rent N,I was always looking at the old timers that had this release and I wanted whatthey had and and I would meet to another one and another one and anotherone and I wont what they have and I knew I was dificient. I knew there wasmore and it seems no matter how far along the road I got. There was alwaysthe sense that I hadn't I hadn't got it yet. You know what I mean I hadn't got.I knew there was somewhere, but I hadn't got it yet, no matter how far Iwent, no matter what I was doing, ddeven if I was Tog instep, Mes F, Isponsor people. If I was speaking SIRCI W whatever the Heckit was, I never feltlike. I got it. You know there were always these guys that had it, but youkow like out there was always the outtens. I never had it. You know it's, I'm not saying my sobriee was bad.I mean it was I settled I was. I was settling like it says in the sixth foot.I settle you know it's good enough. It's okay, but it wasn't au KennedySubrie, you know here was always anxiety. Het was always something youknow like Rosanna. Daming was always something so so when I had nine years what happenedas my my desire to get more put me in a...

...situation where I ran into goasujustthat I go to Bible study, so I did- and I sat next to a man who ended upbeing my third sponsor John lenno about sixty one years soriety and it was abaptist preacher, which is what got needed to put in my life at the time.So I would, and I started studying the source material and when I startedstunnying the source material that they were reading and owfosnonest te bigbook sort of it went from black and white totechnicolit. To me and a lot of things I didn't understand. I startedunderstanding ECAUSE. I was reneeded in the context of what they were reading,t SOFOR instance when they said we yet yo when they sat kindly act once an awhile was enough. We have to be to read the goods, be the good Sameritan everyday, capital, good capital g CAPALESCE. I read an look. What they were reading.I read the the terrabl of the good smarity. I knew what the Good Samaridanwas and I studied the goods Soari and whan. It came from nd what they we e sowhen they wrote and I knew what they were thinking and then I read the book at Jacks and we have some things in Aa that aresort of mysterious and an and you now ome there will always be a sense ofmystery to mee. thirs is sense of mystery. 'cause God's involved thatI'll never pierce with my mind and one of thethings they have in Aa isthis line. HALF MEASURES ABEIL US NOTHING! Youever see that. Have you ever see that NAM half Mensavellas, nothing what it said it says we must get rid ofour old ideas. We must over tills US half measures of Ellas, nothing we setat the Termpointe n all that stuff. I've never totally understood that. Imean I hear it, but I nont understand it. There are like ines that you hearand you mouth and you say heur what thee same, but you don't necessarilybelieve that half peasures of Ellus- nothing, because I wasn't doing thisthing perfectly and I was sober. So how can half Maas Ho Vailyou Nothing Yon?They avail you nothing how's that possible. When it's Giveng me something course. I have like the mind of an aunt.I don't get it. I don't understand it. So then I read the book to James, andthis is I want to read yoursomething book a Chans. I Want Yon. Look for the word, nothing. It says: Considerate Pure Joy, mybrothers, this James Chapter, one and sisters. Whenever you face trials ofmany kinds, ey Mig they ever go through tough times. You ever go through trialsand tribulations in a N, consiering pure joy in my brothers andsisters whenever Youe face triunds. So many kinds, because you know that thetesting of your fat produces perseverance, endurance. Let percevancefinish its word so that you may be mature and complete, not lackinganything. But if you lack wisdom, you should askGod who givs generously to all without finding fault will be given to you, butwhen you ask you must believe and not thou not have any doubt, because the one who doubts is alike, awave of the sea blown and tossed by the wind that person should not expi should notexpect to receive anything. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is doubleminded and unstable in all they do you know for years after Aivdaya. Ihave to admit- and probably I still do it to a certain extent. You know howthey say, not only half MES e El, no Yo onestly,there's no middle of the road solution. God The resor. He isn't, there's nomidtle tero solution, you can't love God and the World God. Now they saythat he's got to be the central fact: He's got to be a sensral fat number foryears. One of my biggest problems, although Ididn't realize it is- I had one foot in God and I had another food in the world. I had one eye on. You know when I wasin a and holding hand on San Lord Sprayer. I was thinking about God forthirty seconds for a minute, maybe en an a, let me think about it and thenI'm out there actually trying to earn a living you know have sex have romanceto I I'm out there. I'm like I'm, like part of me, wants to be like Jesus, but a large partomy would rather belike you have to you know what I mean. I mean: That's, that's just the truth.I want to be like Jesus, but a billionaire. You know what I mean. Idon't be like the PORGESAS. I want to be the rich Jesus and a porce, ok and my entire life. All I would say allmy problems. I've always been a matter of wanting to be the good guywant to be the right Guy Wind, you the right thing, but wanting a lot of moneyand Chiks, and I don't know why that Shit doesn'twork. I don't know why they say sutod therelationship with Him II. Don't know...

...why, but, but apparently, apparently, if you want that out Kennedyconiovriety, apparently you can't doal it with halfmeasures. I mean there's two types of Aa: You canhave the notch rinking Aa for the next twenty thirty years. You could not drikan very you. A miserable son of the bitch, not really happy Werl, you Goin to be Alcadia and apparently having the altangie isso imcredible being rocking in the forth dimension is so incredibleexperiencing much of having a Soincredel, apparently that kind oflife that kind of life is so incredible.Just settling from mere sobriety is like getting nothing. It's like getting nothing! It's likegoing to the banquet with hi, Servon, Folemanyan and lobster and walking awaywith a ham sandwich. It's like nothing, which is why thi this great emphasis onthe God thin and why that Bwhy, that has to do withsuffering the memth, an the boy. So let me take now let get away from there anddit through P, go through this fast. So I came down toosanonmis and here's thedeal with a UM. I I did the first without any question.I came in, I had bout, I had bottom, you know and H. I realized I was PALoful. My life was unmaageable, but I came day like mostly ECOME Day 'cause.I wanted to stop drinking and I came a day, and this is what my thinking was.My thinking was is that I had a drinking problem. How many people cametothey UESS? They have dricting problem, it's a reasonable place to go becauseyou know the name is listen. The name is alcoholics anonymous. So if youthink I would drink the problems, probably the right place, Hil ratherthan the Cantus flot. You know what I mean. You know it Ajstjus like right inthe name. You know. So what happens is when you think you have a drinkingproblem when you think your life is unmagageable because it's drinking andyou go to Aa what you think for the first five years or so. Is you thinkthat your problem is drinking? So if you don't drink, you won't haveproblems. Does that make any sense? So you sort of think that everythingwill be a topay with you. Your Life is based. Okay, as long as your own gratand so the whole emphasis, at least it seems to you during the first year,even though they're talking about probably other things, they', probablytalk, im, Abot, God and forced up another things, but the whole eve sasdon't drink. Even if you ask Falso, you know what I mean just don't drink. Go Omean it's okay, everything be okay. If you just don't trink go to means anddon't drink everything to workout, so you actually start believing that stuff,and you start thinking that he disease has to do with drinking now. I know there are lines in the bookand it says draking is not the disease, it's just a symptom ofdisease, just the symptom of t e disease, but you know newcomersnalretatshit, really, people eer! That's like a ban. Stay people come into ALCOsaams because of the drinking it is the disease to them. That is the disease,the drinking they even use it against you, when you said, do this a say, I'mnot even thinking I drinking, I don't have a drinking pro, I'm never going toTrink ut. They don't they think drickin is the disease soits. I thought Drikinwas the disease. I thought as long as I drank everythwould then drink. I wouldbe okay. So then what happens? Is You get to the second step and thesecond step is and I'm not saying anybody actel Yo Understan. I pleaseunderstand when I cin any riot two near Yorns work and teywer waiing goodbye toeach other. I had no idea, none zero. What these steps really meant? Really, there was no way I was clueless,but but when the Stepas came to believe that a Comgrad in eurselves couldbestore to Savinty, I understood about him come to believe a Powet reater thanme. Maybe that's Mysponseor, maybe that's the group. Maybe it's Gone Mayethe clouds who knows what it is and if I focused on spiritual stuff, I'dbeoionsort of understood that, but I didn't quite jet the idea, even thoughI knew I was crazy. That's wha didn't even bother me that was Graz. I know Iwas crazy. That's why I like theyae witheverybody's fucking nuts. You know what I mean I don't like. as Ar Perfect, I,like you 'cause you're as nunny as I am, but but what happened is when I came toAA. I didn't realize that what they were really saying and what they'rereally saying is I'm crazy. I am in sane and I must be restored to sanity because I have insane thinking. Mythinking is insane. I know nothing. I don't know the truth from the falls.My alcoholic life seems the Oling onle one most of the people I heard in mylife I heard cold stones sober. I heard many th same people manyo theheresponsile ways afto come and day...

Thadid before I was insane before Itook my first Gran, I was in St Juring, my drinking I've been insane for yearsafter I stopped drinking. My Insanity is, in my mind, T my body. If that'snothing with Olchol has to Wai the way I see things and here's the realproblem. I don't even know how insane I am, and so when I take that third step- andI did the third, why did I do the thirst step? I have no flue. I did thethird step cause. I wonted my sponsor liht me. I Wi the third steppe 'cause,like everything else I got ahead in school. I wanted everybody NADE. No, Idid the third ta I wanted to progress. You know I wanted to get the gold storeand be voted President Afout, Hox and agt. Who knows why I did the third step,but I didit OK, but here's the problem when you do the thirst, and I didsearch that within about three months of my gain in the program I got on myknees, I set the prayer, an locked, the door and averhing like that. Nobodytould see me and I got up and then business as usual, but here's theproblem when I gid the third STAP. I was still insane. You understand what I'm saying when Idid the third step. I was still inlisten I wan to take so I I wasinsane for a good ten fifteen twenty years I may be, quite frankly, I may have atouch of it still right now. I may not have there's a possibility, don't relyAntyrlen when I say to you, I may imay still have a little bit of it as anafect. I know I do, but it's a lot better, okay, but when I first did the third stepwhen I gave my lie- and I read the prayer and evething like that- There's a big difference with doing thethird step when you're insane and you don't know, you're insane and doing the sixth step, which is likethe third step on steroids. When you actually know what Col you're doing, there's a big difference between beingchristened in Church when you're, seven days old and you don't know Shit and making an actual decision to giveyour life to God when you're twenty years old, er thirtyyears old. The forty is a big big difference when, when, when you realie, whenyou're actually doing something, you know what the hell you're doing, my spotsons she said used to say thefirst step in getting out of jail is knowing you're in jail. In the firstplace, I thought my Gelseil looked like a bottle and my jailsell did look like a bottle.My life became Abon, but you cannot get out of jail afteryou get rid of the bottle after you give e to the drinking, you are in a different jail. The jailyou're in is a Jeil called alcoholism and it's a bad jail, and you can't getout of it. You can stop the drinking. You can't stop the nasty and screwed upthinking and here's the problem. My sponse was right, the first step andget out of jails, Knowin your in Jo n, the first wace and at four months, otfive months at one year at five years attention I had no idea what that jailreally looked like you know what happens when you do thefourstep in the Fisthstep I'll tell you what happens when you do the forstep inthe FISTSTEP, it's like walking into a dark room with a with a smallflashlight, and you get a little bit of an idea of what the jailcell looks like you get a little idea. What thejailcell looks like believe me. You don't see the entire Jailso, but youget a little bit of an idea. What the Jil soul looks like. You have no idea the kind of jail youEd, you get to say things to your Sponta, like you don't understand or I'm different. Well, you got to knowthe whole story, because you don't understand what the J, but if you dothe forstep in the FISTSTEP, you get an idea what the jailcell of selfishnessand selfsenterdess and with alcohol, but the craziness of alcoholas in motslife, so that by the time you go through the fourth and Fitz Step. Yourwhole perception goes from feeling like you're, a victim and feeling sorry foryourself for feeling sorry for the people that had to put up with you hiswhole complete, paradin change, because now you see the jailsol you'rein now. You realize you're best thinking got you in there and then forthe next ten or fifteen years you get to stubble around make mistakeshurt people live with them on Yoir, mind go throughnight anxiety make Aman do all this stuff. Just so, you can see how big andhow bad the JAILSELN really is. Just so six years soriety you can see man thiswill. This is a serious disease. I don't even think you've got a real goodglimpse of this disease until you got ten years sopriety. I ONU even knowwhat the hell you're dealing within you. You T fifteen years opriety and theytell you got cancer. You get fired and you white leagues, Your Shit happens toyou. You start you learn every time. My...

Life Turns Tho Shit and things go badand I go crazy. I get to learn a little bit more about how crazy and sick I am, and you can't get atintisenglish anleast turn that flashline up those pleat lights lights up somewhere around. I don't know where I don't even knowwhere it was. I want to say nine years, maybe wit tenmade with seventeen. Maybe it was twenny. They was forid of no idea on shore after I started going to Biblestudy and hanging around jog len, and everything like that. I started reallyget involved in that six and seven step, because I wanted, because I had gone tothe point where I was Sogor for ten years, so I had to quote respect the people inAa. I was speaking around rooms. My business was, I was doing: Okay, NBusiness and other things and stuff like that. I was respected in a egg, but I knewthere was something missing man for me: There's nothing worse thanbeing at Aa and being sober and having time and knowing that something's missingand not being able, knowing that it's watching men, I didn't want what I didn't want. Ilooked at a I lookd at people in a I loved them. I love people. I lovesponsomeo. I love doing everything, but I didn't know what everybody had in anAI, a teners. I wandered whatout tenby. I wonder what Joe Snyder had I wentewith the guys with thirty thirty five, the guys that I wanted and I couldnever quite graspe it. I could never quite Ithought if I hung around them. If I just hang out with him, I could get it.You know- and it is true that if you hang withthem- and you see how they think and U No, what they think, but there'sthere's something about. You got you omy spontor, say wit, a man withexperience, mits a mal it money in the mal of experience will walk away withthe money and them with the money will walk Waer in Hi strends. There'ssomething about having to walk through the fire. Walk through the cancer twicewalk through the foreclosure walked through the bullship, watching thestuff, trusting a god, trusting in God, trusting a God, trusting, I god turningit overturning over Srani press rendeparess, Aratin prayer, so thatit's Ommense in your mind, where one day like it says, O the big book.theobby son comes a central factr in your life and you are absolutelyconvinced without doubt that he's working in your hard en mind Wen a waywhich is indeed miraculous, he's doing for you. You can't do yourself and youcan't you can't tell somebody theyv got to do it. You can't bore somebody thatthey have to do it. You can't direct them that they got to believe you knowthis faith is not taught. It's got to be caught, you got to catch it, youve got to be infected by it y. You got to go through the strugglesand the bullshit of life and turn it over. That's how you get newprespective writing Peter Umiliations Ind, the final crushing of yourselfsufficiency, so Youd go through it so many times, 'cause, no matter how manytimes God saves you no mattr how many times it works. The next time you'resure I's not going to show up you gotto go through it so many times where youbecome convinced on the two thousand time you're broke, Youe got to be ableto say to yourself and Iavet, read of that, because it's out two thousandtimes the Lord has always got to be out of this. I don't even give a shitanymore. You know what I mean 'cause. I know God's going to help me out of this.You got to go to the cancer and saying get on Nih word that if I die I, ifIliv my Lim, I'm just going to trust the Lord. I know he's going to get otand I don't know how you get to that point where you go from a scared,shipless alcoholic trying to manage everybody in the life. I don't know howyou get to that point where no matter what happens in your life you've beenthrough it. A thousand times got to save to thousand times, and you finallybelieve, then your wife is is his hands and you just got trustin him to do itright and you don. I think the only way you do it is you got to go through it. The only way to do it is you got to gothrough it. I can't tell you when it happened, butI can tell you this. I reached a point in my life, where Imade a serious decision. I didn't settle. I made it this serious decision that,like they'll, listen, the Lord has been so wonderful to me. Turin me Jist, telldisease. I got to keep talking about it and tellingother people. I made aservious decision for God and I think that's when I became. Ithink that has to that says. This is the step that separates from men fromthe boys, and I knew where all the power was. Iknew where all the where the credit belonged and then I started living awife,praying to God that he would remove this craziness and these defects ofcharacter, knowing knowing that I've kept on folksthiow on him, it says it says once Yo make thatdecision for him also to remarkable things happen being all powerful he's,not the Higher Power Shit Higher Power, for me, is a readit t'snot, the higherpower, it's the highest power. You know...

...what I mean the highest power knoind.If I stay close to, then he will give me everything. I need if I stay closeto him and perform his work well, and so my whole life has to be focusedon God and performing his work. Well and I'll. Tell you what's happened tome, I can only report. What's happened to me is after that stuff starthappening over and over again, and I start foking more and more God. Youknow something I stopped worrying about what people thought about being AA. You know this talk, I'm giving youright now is no different than everyany time. Anybody who's ever listening. Meknows that every time I ever talk, I'm talking about to I'm talking about this, you bothers you. Let me tell yousomething that bothers you. You need to Lookyyou Wan to talk to you, a sponsorof that. If I you know, whenever you thissterded matter, what the clause there's something wrong with you, if my talkingabout God bothers you, you just thank God that Bilmoson an dctor barbare, notjurt sponsors. You betme you Wanght to read the bookand be happy that they're nit just PONSA. Then you get that h. You get tohang around people on AA that are sort of sof peddling, the God thing you get to do the a like thing. Youknow what I mean I can't afford to do. You know why I can't afford to do it d.A Li thing. Aa has turned me into an absolute whip.I really am I one of the great things about being an auty. Let me tell youthe greatest thing about being ouy. Is you can live a miserable miserable self, setter, guilt, ridten, fearwiden life and dorelatively okay? I mean for thirty one years I live likea complete jerk, a self scented selfish assole than I did pretty. Well, I meanI mean as long as you can drink. I MEA nd, with the drinking you got. If you drink, you can be an asshole formany years and feel like you're doing absolutely well. My problem is and it's a seriousproblem. I came adowtpals anonamous and I stopped drinking and I've gone to the point in my life,where I can't stand guilt, I can't stand fear. I can't tell you I can't stand misery. I can't stand not being at peace andnot having the release. I mean. I just can't stand it. It just drives me.There is no fear, like silver fear, there is no gilt like sober guilt. Ican't take it like I used to take when I was eighteen years old than I. Ican't just do shit anything I want to do and get away with it and just makebelieve that int Giva prop. I mean it just kills me and thank God in in making God thesental fact of my life and doing these exercise that we do. I was given a wayof life where I don't ever have to live that way. Yet I was given a way of life where I don'thave to feel guilty anymore er. I never have to be in fear where I can be an peace with myself, MiTe, a PASSIPULSA I've learned to be content in AL, were I coul have someform of equanimity and for me- and the only day I can talkabout is my own personal life. This is all I'm talking about. For me, this is inextricably intertwined withhaving faith w with having serious and committed and utter faith.In God I dont. If I, what would I have proven to myself isself confidence does not work for me and I'm a guy who could o if anybodycould brag a being self confident. I accomplished the lot as an idio asinideat, not knowing anything. I accomplished enough in this world withthe things that I accomplished. Ok before I was twenty five years old,okay, where I could say: Intelligence and self, with intelligence and selfconfidence, inIn acquiring degrees and honors andevything like that and jobs, and everything like that were the answer. Iwouldn't be an alcohols, an Os that never worked for me, money, devn'rworkd. For me, the girls never worked for me as a matter of f t the money forme, focusing on money and focusing on women and focusing on cars, make thingsworse for me, always make things worse. For me, there were always the things I worriedabout. The only thing that ever worked for meis when I got rid of all those things anfocused on do and the only way I can actuallyfolksome God is. I had I had to make a decision- nom inly, to folks on him to folks on him a six step decision,but make him Te, send a piece of my life and become willing to give up allthose other things. You know why I become willing to give up all thosedefects of character. When I become willing to give up those of the FATOcharacter, I become willing, I'd, be come, I'm telling God I'm willing togive up the money that doesn't mean...

...he's going to take the money O. I canmake a lot of money, I'm doing better now than ever have done in my life. Youknow what I mean, but I've got to be willing to give up the money whichbasically means give up the idea that, in order to be happy, I have to havesomething I have me willing to give up the women.I have to be willing to give up the cars and all I gotto be willing. It'snot Noug, to say. Well, I just want to be nicer. I want T I don't want to bejealous. I don't want to be envious. I don't a T. I got to be willing to giveup the materials voction on the material stuff and want more than anything else, togrow in his act. W that's what the SIXSTEP is all about. We operson does aSUCSTEP. Looking up the book Tan says he's made a decision to grow in theimage and likeness of his creator. You know now my creatir my deal happens to beJesus. That's a whole other thing that I want him to get into, but I can tellyou about him: He didn't have a lot O doh didn't have a lot of money. Wasn'ta he wasn't driving around in the tate, but Yeh ye had yo had something else.He had the outcat. He had that Al Kaneby thing I di do o that I got to make a decision. You know Igot to make a decision for God. I got to see that soon, as my relationship isrigt, I can't apologize. I I don't sit here. I don't go to a enings. I fear itall the time. Well, I'M! Well! I'm sorry H. I know I talkd toomuch about God or I'm sorry. I have to thaut about. Oh I'm, sorry Han Sion,God, you know people are so apologetic. We got a big book, we says we neverapologize regod. We never apologize for our faving God. We show how itdemonstrates that that's that's a keeat. They repeat, it twice, never be ashamed of relation of it.That is the only be onl lift you up and I'm in an a where everybody's scared tomention God and whenever they do they apologized for it s, it's Puki, crabby, unbelievable. You won't catch me doing that stuff.You know, because I believe I have an obligation. I mean if everybody in a isgoing one way, I'm still going to go this way. I got you know even more, soI have an obligation at thirty nine years in my fortieth year. If I'm nottalking about lot, they are talking about in the big book. If I'm scared, you know something. IfI'm scared to talk about it, then my sobriety is shit. Then I don't have anysobriety. I live my entire, like worring aboutwhat other people thought about me, I'm not about to step one second, youknow in fear of other people. In their judgment I mean Thasin is TNOT. Whatthe promises say. Fear of people and a Economican tey will leave you. You know, I'm not scared of what youguys think about me, I'm more concerned about what God thinks about me, but theman who acts what the person. Let me tell you something: I'm not worriedabout people that aren't even playing topay. My vesabiliy, you know W T Imean I. I am concerned more about the per listen. God got me to where I amright now and I'm grateful what he did for me and it's like Gilmelson said theLord has been so wonderful to meet Trimian Tu, he's Gu got to keep talkingabout and telling other people you don't. You know, God bless. If I everget ashamed of that deal, I won't have what I have right now, Andso, that's what the seven step isabout to me. It's about getting humble it's about getting humble and GNEMONISand H casking him for help it's about it's about realizing andappreciating the value of suffering suffering for gode suffering, becauseit's about understanding that, if you want the God thing, if you're focusedon a god, then you will suffer it's about understaning that you'reaccepting that if I have to suffer if I have to suffer and believe me, ifyou're an alcoholic, alcohol, intoalcoholic, tont change, because you've pat em on the backNecessar Asi'll Ta ill, I change an alcohol by humiliation by pain andsuffering. If I've got a suffer, if I've got a suffer to be more like Ou Kennedy than I'll,accept that- and I won't cry about IT- and I won'twine about it and I'll be grateful for that and I'll try to grow is Ini, alikeness. You know I every once in a whilesomebody'll be nice to meand they'll, give me a compliment on hapens once ina while. They come up and they always say it this way. They say I don't Wan tI don't want. I I don't want to give you a big pet, but you really help meout or something that's a medetest and I say to Oman: It's Tejuha sn't trustme you're, not going to give me any big hed at all. You know, I know exactlywho I am I know who I am. I've lived, I myself for seventy one years and I knowwhere this all comes from and it doesn't come from it. This has nothingto do with this. No, not on nothing, and even though I'm talk and I'm justbeing honest with you, there's the...

...bottom, and now I I'm not. I don't knowhow to teach this stuff or any. That's all. I do t a means, as I askd the Lord,to give me the words to say that it might help somebody I' absolutelyappreciated the fact that everybod hears different things and h. You knowdifferent deals Nd. I just ask that they give me the words to be talkinghonestly about what's happening in my life. Okay and that's all I can do andand I'm an Praly I'm just telling you I the one thing I can tell you is I'm notlying to you. The one thing I tell you is I'm notlying to you about my life, an about, what's Happeneng to me in the last fory years and what's goingon in my life right now, okay, and so you know, look you youknow if you want what I have then know you might want to think about it. Ifyou knon t that's okay, too, they no good deal. You know the same addressIda this at Ain't address rehersal! This is your life. You know you don'twant to get you want to Hend. Well, you don't want to get to the end of yourlife and say, Oh shit. Maybe I shouldn't listen to that guy, maybe Imanah. Maybe I'm doing thisforong. You know that kind of thing don't be worrying about what otherpeople think about Iu. Dont be fulction on other people, don't be foncuting onthings. You know what I mean. Do you want something that most people don'thave you want something that most people in a will never have be willingto do what most people name will never do you want when most people don't haveanee be willing to do what most people will never do you hear people say well if they didthat, when I came in, I wouldn't be re stayaway from those people stay away from those peep. You want.You see, people that are angry and rnot God angry about the church. pissed offabout that stuff. Don't like the deal. You know t stay away from those people,you don't unless you want what they have. If you want that kind of sobriety,it's available and Alohol snonmous mean spirited pissed off Supriy is availablein outfalsinms. It really is AAn the same ell pols Ar Onis, but you know ou, but I'll tell you likeyou read the big book read what they say about God and your commitment toGod and how you' supposed to look at them and a Eovellas nut in you figureout w you figure out where whether they saw pedlein in the big Buk you figureout when they saw pedal God and the Big Buck of o pop and Aes.Don't look for the loo falls, don't look for the loopholes, that's what Oucoust too. They look, throught e loopholes. Do you know, there's a linein the big book bout boss and I was saying we encourage church membership,that's when it says Church and Synago. We encourage it. We want you to getnext to people that a folk so on and Searchyou for God, and then it saysthis line. Most of us are involved in that stuff, but it's not obligatory.Now we have a book that says really I've seen a person who fell H. Fellow,is thoroughly foll our path. We have a line from the founder saying. Weencourage church membership. Most of US belong to churches. Some of us. Don'tit's not obligatory. There are people believe in I, Nay that focus on encouraging tefountes encouraged churchmembership. They they they encourage us to do that.That's what they did in order to get them where they had to go en ygotpeople that folcus on that ND. They said. Well, why shouldn't I do that andthen, you a have other people Ta,while it's not obligatory, you have other people that say well,doesn't say half to do it. You have a choice of who you want tohang with the people who are taking suggestionsand have an open mind and are saying well if most of the founders did thisand they're encouraging it well shit, I don't care whether it's obligatory ornot. I'm doing it and those who say well that they don't say I have to doit. So I'm not doing I mean there are consequences to yourdecisions. I mean grow up and be adults. There areconsequences to dewhat. You decide is going to have to do with your life. It's going to have to do with whereyou're going to end up. That's all, I have to say thank very much sohow about.

In-Stream Audio Search

NEW

Search across all episodes within this podcast

Episodes (83)