AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 35 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 6 - Willingly, Utterly, Thoroughly & Honestly

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

... hate to speak for an hour and nobody hear me. I wouldn't be good bad meeting. Okay, my name is Russell Maan alcohol. Can Remember the South Dixia Group. I have found US average drink since January two thousand fifteen eighty one. Okay, we'll see what happens now. This is about the time in my life going on right before me. It's like this. I wish I had actually planned to say something, you know, but well, whatever, I'll just talk about my life and I'll try to be as sincere as possible. You know they say if you want to have a good a mean just try to be as honest and since here as possible. And you as well. As soon as you learn how to fake that, you got it made. So I'll see what I can do here. So here's The d I'm going to talk about the seven, six step, which is, quite frankly, believe it or not, if you have a favorite step, I'm not sure I have one. It's one of my favorite steps. Six and seven to me are the are the engine that really makes the difference between guys who're going to be sticking around for forty, fifty years and people are going to be wanting what they have and the people that are going to fall back down to Earth based up on the gravitational pull of alcoholism, the people that are never going to reach escape velocity, if you know what that is. I mean there is two types of sobriety. You can have merror, physical sobriety and drawing the AA, the Aa not drinking club, which I guess we all come in on, or you could be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence, which you would not even dreamed and experience much of Heaven. And I I think I always wanted to be rocked in the fourth dimension of existence, in which I had not even dreamed. But I could tell you this. At nine or ten years I wasn't even close and I was doing a lot of work and alcoholics anonymous and I wasn't even close. And I think if things start happening for me now, let me let me say this to you. This is my life, this is my life, this is in your life, this is my life. Take me to like leave the rest whatever you want to do. The same address rehearsal. I think this is important stuff, but the only thing I have to share as my story. So this is my life. So I'm not telling you that this is going to happen to you or this is the way it's going to happen to you. And you guys are probably a lot brighter than me and you'll probably work it out a lot sooner. But I don't think I really started experiencing the promises permanently and experiencing the new freedom really on a daily, hourly basis continuously, until I had more than twenty five years sobriety. That's just my deal. I at this point in my life I tend to, for whatever reason, sponsor a lot of guys. So talk with a lot of guys who have over, you know, over fifteen, twenty years sobriety. I have a I have a I love newcomers any if you're a newcomer and you've been around me, you know I'm just crazy. I love newcomers, but I really have a and in the end, in the beginning and my first ten years sobriety, fifteen years sobriety, I can tell you I felt very strongly that my calling in my mission, as I think we all should have it, as our mission was to go out and help New People. But yeah, I'm in my forty year and I'm seventy one years old and I've been through the I've been through the jungle and married thirty nine years, raise four kids, seven grandkids, self supporting to my own contribution. I've been through the bullshit and I know. And then the in the big book it says now and then, once in a while, a drink or being dried the moment says feel better, look better, having a better time,...

...he says. We smile at such sally, we know he'll be trying the old game again because he's not happy with this. Sobriety. Soon he'll know loneliness is few do and being around for a while. I used to think that that only applies to newcomers, New People and done. Now I realized that that also applies to guys with fifteen, twenty years. You'RE gonna have to trust me when I say I meet a lot of guys, that I work with a lot of guys for got two thousand and twenty five years that work and program or recovery that are not happy. You would know they're not happy because they know how to talk AA and they know how to do a meeting and they got twenty five years. So you assume that everything is wonderful, but it's not. And and so I have a heart now and I try to talk a lot about emotional sobriety, especially the guys that have, you know, more than fifteen, twenty years, because because I took me a long time to get to I thought I was never going to get it. Nine years sober, I thought it was never going to happen. And and you know, the truth is, they say in the big book, he says this is available to us, being rocking in the Fourth Dimension Existence, experience much a heaven, knowing happy, you know, knowing much of heaven. And and the truth is, if this is never going to happen for us, then you know we're based in our lives on a textbook. That's a lie. But I want to tell you something. That textbook is not a lie. There's concrete underneath them lily pays. It is the truth, because it happened to me and if it happened to you, there's no secret what God can do. You know, if he's done it for others, he can do it for you. And I can tell you he's done it for me. So what I want to share is about emotional whole sobriety and permanent the permanent promises and how it's worked out for me. And all I have is my story. You don't have to believe it, it doesn't matter to me. I'm not here to impress anybody. I'm just here to do my job, to be a maximum service and share honestly. You know, this is this is what I believe in. This is what's happened to me. I've seen it in my own life and my own life, and so I'm going to talk about the six step. I'm going to talk about a step that's going to separate you out a set, the step that they say separates the men from the boys. I'm going to talk about a step where they say not only does it separate the men from the boys, so there's some sort of separation in a from just not drinking and going to meetings to something different than that. I'm talking about a set that says the test to see whether or not you have been separated out is whether your life is devoted to trying to grow in the image and likeness of your Creator. So I'm going to talk, as they say in chapter the agnostic. I'm going to talk about God and I'm not going to be ashamed to talk about God. I'm not going to apologize to talk about God. As a matter fact, I think I'm going to ask you, guys, a question. I don't want an answer. You can call it a rhetorical question or you could call it just a question. I want you to think about it. Maybe we'll talk about it next week. If the big book says, who's going to do the utterly thing for me? Okay, Patty, we read that thing from the book where that that line from the book about utterly. You can't read. They want to mute you, they want to lay it on you. You. This is ruining the entire deal here. I think becky's in charge of that. She could leave unmoved on you to betty so she can okay, done. Sorry. Go ahead. I'm an alcoholic. I'm page sixty three the big book of alcoholics, anonymous. In the second paragraph down, in typical alcoholic fashion, the warning for or you work step three comes after step three and it says this. We thought well before taking this...

...step, making sure we were ready Semicolon, that we could at last abandon ourselves utterly to him. Who's got the definition of utterly? I do, Russell. Okay, please read the definition of utterly. Certainly, we just get it up here. Okay, utterly, completely and without qualification, absolutely and and what is what are some of the synonyms for utterly? Well, some of the synonyms for utterly aren't thoroughly, rigorously in depth, exhaustively from top to bottom, minutely, closely, down right, absolutely, completely, totally entirely. So utterly is a sentiment, for utterly is thoroughly absolute, like rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Yes, and their paths in the big book was they were rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence which they had not even dreamed and they said, the great fact is this and nothing less, which probably means there's no wiggle room, nothing less than this, that God became the central fact of their lives, and they became committed to the fact and absolutely certain that he lived in their hearts and minds in a way that was indeed miraculous, that God was doing for them what they couldn't do for themselves. That's the by the way, I was not original thought. On my part. That's our basic text that we've all harmoniously agreed upon, that sort of thoroughly and that sort of utterly. That deal right. That's the deal and that's what you need to do, apparently, in order to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, in order to experience much of heaven. At least that's what they say. So let me ask this. And then it says, I think in the Bach talked about the good old timers. There is no record of what happened that the first meeting, except for a grapevine account years later noting that it was led by Dr Bob, who put his foot on the rung of a dining room chair, identified himself as an alcoholic and began reading sermon on the Mount. And that's from Dr Bob and the good old timers. Let me read this. This from Dr Bottom. The good old timers. On the other hand, we were taking them the upstairs and getting them on their knees to surrender, which I felt was a very important part. The surrender was more than important, it was a must. Bobby, who came into a and February of one nine hundred and thirty seven, recalled that after five or six days in the hospital. When you had indicated that you were serious, they told you to get down on your knees by the bed and say a prayer to God and meeting. You were palaced over alcohol and your life was unmanageable. Furthermore, you had to state that you believed in a higher power would return you to sanity. There you can see the beginning of the twelve steps. We called that the surrender. They demanded it. You could not go to a meeting until you did it. If, by accent, you didn't make it in the hospital, you had to make it in the upstairs bedroom over the Williamson's house. Dorothy Sam recalled the nineteen thirty seven meetings when the men would all disappear upstairs and all US women would be nervous and worried about what was going on. After about a half an hour or so, down would come the new man, shaking white, serious and grim, and all the people who were already in AA would come trooping down after them. They were pretty reluctant to talk about what had happened, but after a...

...while they would tell us they had a real surrender. Often wonder how many people that come in now would survive and experience like that, an old fashioned prayer meeting? Or how about this? Perhaps there is a better way, we think. For now you're on a different basis, the basis of trust, any relying upon God. You are to trust infinite God rather than your infinite find your finite self. You are in the wall to play the role he assigns. Just to the extent that you do as you think he would have you and humbly rely upon him. Does he enable you to match calamity with serenity? Or how about this? Above everything, we must get rid of this selfishness. We must strettills us. God makes that possible. Seems no other way getting around it except through his help. Once make that decision, for God, all sorts of remarkable things happen and happen. Being all powerful, all powerful, he will give us everything we need if we stay close to him and perform his work well, but we don't know whether will know you. Well, we can't say that. God will decide that, and you're real. You have to remember that. Your real realize always has to be on him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave, see to what your relationship with him is right, and great events will happen to you and countless others. If a mere code of morals or a better philosophy of life would have saved us, then we be sober and fine a long time ago. But it didn't save us because we lack the necessary power, and that's why we wrote a good book. We're going to talk about God. You know, Agnosticism, atheism. Well, this sort of thinking has to be abandoned. God either is or he is and what is your decision going to be? You know. And then then it goes on to say with us there is no middle of the road solution. There is no middle of the road solution. And finally, and here's the last thing I'm going to read, and then I'm going to ask you a question. You must never up. This is, by the way, in the big book, if you haven't read it, you must never apologize to anyone for depending upon your Creator. You can laugh at those who think spirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. Never apologize for God. Instead, let him demonstrate through you what he can do. Ask Him to remove your fear and direct your attention to what he would have you be at once. At once, you will commence to outgrow fear. Says it twice. Never Apologize. How about this one? We lose all prejudice, even against organized religion, we begin to see how some of these religious people are right. How about the fact that they encourage church membership? So here's the question I want to ask you. If the big book on at least says all that and says God has to become the central fact in our lives, that we have to be convinced that he lives in our hearts and minds in a way which is deep miraculous, that he is the one that has all power, we need to find him now and that we can't manage our way out of this, and know you would. Power can help us, but God couldn't, would if he were sought. If the big book says this, we must...

...never apologize for anyone who depend upon God. When I have just one question. Why is it in most a a rooms newcomers feel that if they talk about God they're doing something wrong? Why is it an a meet means that most people feel hesitant to talk about God because they feel people either Mockham laugh at them or talk to them after meeting and say we don't talk about stuff like that. It makes people uncomfortable. I mean, I know this is true because I've been around a for forty years and I know it's true because I have every time I'm because I always talk about God and I talk about God just the way I'm talking about right now, and I have people to come up for me from all over the country and you know, they say to me. I mean, I'm just telling you the truth. They say, man, they don't talk about stuff like this at my means. I've never heard stuff like that in my meetings. So I have a question for you that you can think about. You ought to think about you really ought to think about this. And then you think about the seventh, the six step, in the seventh step, in the separation of the men from the boys, that there may be actually at least two a a's, maybe even three, if you read the the essay strong touch of cut, Strong Cup of tea, which is I attached to my emails. There's an Aa for people that just are interested in not drinking and that's about it. And then there's an a meaning for people who want to grow in the image and likes us, of their creator. And you might want to consider the possibility that the people that are separated out, people the old timers I used to hang with, are, quite frankly few and far between. Many are called, that few are chosen and that most people in a even though they say they believe in God and may even say the Lord's prayer and do a whole lot of stuff like that, the truth of the matter is when somebody talks about God, it makes him uncomfortable. You might consider the fact that there are people in Fifteen, twenty years that if you talk about God, it makes some uncomfortable. So you may want to try to ask some of the question. Why is that? We have a book where the entire book, the entire book if you read it nonalcoholically, because I think what the book says is that the people that don't get this thing are people who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. They cannot live a life which demands rigorous honesty. You can read the book in a dishonest way and look for the loopholes and say, well, that you can pick your own God, and you know, my God is a you know, a Bush or you know. So, I. E. can do anything you want and and I hate religion and nobody's going to tell me and you can't show you can. You can read the book in such a way so you don't have to believe in anything. You can say you could say you believe in everything, and that's like believing in nothing. You know what I mean, because you know, but because the book seems to talk about it in a different way. So you know, you might want to ask the question. How come if we have a book, are basic text, which makes God the centerpiece or a lot our lives and talks about finally reach the point where your rocket in the fourth dimension existence and no much of heaven and happiness and the new freedom. And the way it says you do that is this and nothing less, that God has to become the central fact of your life. And my servants and my service we call it wardship. As a matter of fact, in the seventh step and the sixth and seventh step they say you could have an havid. You can believe in God and say you believe in God, but your faith is barren, if it has nothing to do with your life, if...

God is not the central factor your life. You know, you may think it's difficult to get down on your knees and say the third step prayer. I know a lot of people that get down on their knees and say I got down on my knees and I said the third step prayer. I don't have that work. She going a bathroom, you lock the door, you close the door, you get down on your knees, you say the Phray, you get up and say I've done the prayer and then you go on business as usual, trying to find trying to gather up money, power, prestige and manage your life so that you won't feel so worthless, trying to prove to everybody how wonderful you are, because deep down inside you feel like such a piece of shit. Get all the money, get the GALS, get the guys, get the marriage, get the house, basically live your live. Basically live the godless life you lived before you came intay, every once in a while going to a meeting and holding hands and saying the Lord's prayer and figuring well, that's you gave him your scraps. You know, you sort of threw in the towel just rather than your snatched it back and spend the rest of your life rip it off strips to see whether that would satisfy him. But basically living your life the way you want to live your life. You don't go to church because people in a say I'm spiritual, not religious, and apparently there's something wrong with being religious. Apparently that's the feeling people getting alcoholics anonymous. I hear that a lot. Even though Eddy, who went to Jow to Bill Wilson, he said he brought him a simple religious idea, even though the books they thought were absolutely essential from nine thirty five one thousand nine hundred thirty nine were sermon on the Mount First Corinthians Thirteen in the book of James, even though we're almost thinking the James Club, even though the the real sponsors, Bill Wilson was at dolling, the Jesuit Priest and Sam Shoemaker, and the whole thing came out of the Oxford Movement. But somehow, some way, and I'm not quite sure how this happened. Maybe I can give you my theories on how it happened. Maybe it happened with every when people start making money and the hospitals started forming and people start going to treatment centers and people felt uncomfortable with the God thing. Maybe it happened just the way it's happening in society, where they started making a more psychological but somehow it went from a book that basically spoke only about finally getting you through a series of steps which were only spiritual exercises, so that you could make God the central fact of your life and transform your life with some sort of profound spiritual awakening that Dr Bob said. I mean not talk to Bob. Dr Carl Young said, I'm a psychiatrist on the greatest psychiatrist in the world. I've never been able to save an alcoholic like you. When he was talking to Roland has it. He says I've never been successful with the person that has the mind of chronic alcoholic. Is there no help? Yes, here and there, once in a while it's the God thing. Ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding force of these men's lives are shifted to one side. They become dominated by a whole new set of ideas, emotions and attitude. The entire book Foga, there's a chapter diagnostic. You know, the job to the agnostic says. It says this kind of thinking has to be abandoned. It says stop being agnostic, it stop being atheist. The bottom line is is the entire book is meant to finally get you to the point where you accept God totally, without doubt, that he becomes the central fact of your life, the central fact of your life, and you're absolutely certain that he lives in your heart and mind, which is indeed miraculous. Now I understand we came in like I come in, not buying into the God deal. As Maverick. The book anticipates it. It says the hackles in our next go up and all that sort of stuff. It's a spiritual kindergarten. But I think the book anticipates that somewhere along the way some of us going to want it to go to college, some of us are going to want to graduate high school, some of us going on to try to grow the hell up and become adults instead of children,...

...getting our own way instead of you know, we have this thing called a second step. Being Open minded. The one thing that'll keep you in everlasting ignorance is contempt and it's contempt prior to investigation a big book that's talked about in good old time. He says the books we found absolutely essential, that you have to work this thing thoroughly the way we worked it. And it says the book we find absolutely essential our first corinthians thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the book of James. I wonder how many people study the book of James, Study First Corinthians Thirteen, study sermon on the Mount, actually study it in groups or anything like that? That's what they were reading the fort four years, five years and Alpay and after that too, for many years after that. So why is it? You know, I mean it's a true that might what my sponsors said to me. says. He says you must have thought you joined well, people's anonymous, that you're really deal with a bunch of people at all stages in the career that really want to block of this and don't want to change and don't want to do this, that the majority of people in a you're just here to stay sober and they don't want to invest in this the way you want to invest in this. Well, says, really, have we seen a person fail who has thorowly followed up path. I guess that is. Is it true, like it said in the Essay Strong Cup of tea, that ultimately in the s a finally discovered aids, finally discovered that you could actually stay sober for a long period of time without do any any of these steps? You think it's possible to stay sober for ten or fifteen years or twenty years, running around doing your life, chasing after the fudge and the women in the cars and everything like that, and still say sober? I think that's possible. To just stay sober on the fellowship. I know it's possible. I've seen it happen. Well, if you're an alcoholic and you're not thoroughly can committed to this book or any of that stuff, you know, and you're staying sober for ten or fifteen if you got fifteen years sobriety and you're not drinking and you're picking up your medallions, who's going to tell you you need to? Why would you ever do the God thing anyway? You know, do you think as pot maybe populated by millions of people that don't really want to do a or their ideas? Well, I I you do a your way, I'll do it my way. Are there are I don't know. Are there? Are there? If there are ten million people in a, are there ten million ways? Let me ask some. Is there a program of recovery? Or there ten million programs of recovery? Does the book say really have a seen person fail who has thoroughly followed our path? Or do whatever the hell you want to do, however way you want to do it, and you'll get the same, same thing. Do the word thoroughly mean that? Does work thoroughly or utterly mean thoroughly or utterly, or does it mean whatever the hell and Alcoholic wants to say? It means as long as they can still commit adultery, as long as they can still steal, as long as they can still say to a sponsor, get out of my face, I'm not drinking. You do your program out, do my program or maybe not even have a sponsor at all. So why does why is it that, if the big book says all those things I just said, this is me. You know what I mean. I'm not telling you this. If the big book says all those things, why is it people are scared to talk about God and Aa let's just say the way I talk about them. You know, the way Bill Wilson talked about him, when Bill Wilson said, when Bill Wilson said the Lord has been so wonderful to me curing me of this terrible disease, that I got to keep talking about it and telling other people. Why don't people talk about that in alcoholics? Anonymous? Why don't they stress and why is think God was a why do people, why do newcomers, feel that if they talk about God as being the central factor to...

...lives and their experience? I'm not saying it never happens. It does that once. Well, why is this overriding feeling that they're doing something wrong? It's it because there are people in Aa that have time that will come up to him and say you're talking too much about God. It's because they're being told or given the message they're talking too much about God. Let me ask you this question. Let me read you this one part. This is when the DCR Bob Sponsored and twelve stepped Clarence. The book grew master in one thousand nine hundred and thirty seven says are my one thousand nine hundred and thirty six. And we could have been doc Smith came the Clarence was in the hospital. He's lying on a hospital bed for alcoholism. He's he's thirty four years old. Doc Smith came in later and took over. He sat on the edge of my bed and said, well, what do you think about all this? Then he paused and looked at me doubtfully. I don't know if you're ready yet. Your kind of young I was down to a hundred thirty five pounds, no job, no clothes and no money. I didn't know how much more ready I could be recalled clarence. Still I had to convince them I was ready. Then he asked, Dr Bob asked. This is what the first question. Dr Bob asked Clarence. Do you believe in God, Young Fellow? Do you believe in God, Young Fella? Has Anybody ever heard anybody say don't talk about the God thing, you might scare away the newcomer? Has Anybody ever heard something like that in a don't talk about the God thing, you might scare away the newcomer? Well, maybe Dr Bob wasn't as smart as us. You know what I mean. This is what Dr Bob said. Do you believe in God, Young Fella? He always called me young fellow. When he called me Clarence, I knew I was in trouble. What does that have to do with it? What does that have to do with it? Is what Dr Bob said. Everything, everything. I would you like to be sponsored by Dr Bob? Maybe you wouldn't be sponsored by Dr Bob. You ever hear anybody saying a, had they mentioned the God thing, I would have left. Ever say? Anybody say if they had mentioned the God thing, I would left? Anybody ever heard that alcoholics really are full of Shit? You know that they don't know what they would left or not, but let's say they would have left. I how many people can day because they couldn't stop drinking? Okay, so let's say I would have left. What do you think I would have done right after I was leaving? I would have started drinking again and I would either died or I would have crawled back into a a and sat there and did what they told me to do. But of course alcoholics are always codependence to we got a lot of issues. Want people like us. God forbid somebody should walk away and say I don't like those a people. They talk about God. We don't want that. To happen. You know, the worst thing in alcoholics life we have that bondage to self worth and people loving us so much that we would rather see him die than hurt their feelings. He says, he says everything. I guess. I do guess nothing. Either you do or you don't. Yes, I do, that's fine, Bob replied. Now we're getting somewhere, someplace. All right, get out of bed and get on your knees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray. I guess you don't, but that's okay. Just follow what I say and that will do for now. I did what I was ordered to do. Clarence said there was no suggestion. Dr Bob was always positive about his faith. Clarence said if someone asked him a question...

...about the program is usual response was, what is it saying the good book? Suppose he was asked what's all this? First things first, Dr Bob would be ready with an appropriate quotation. Seek you first, the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you, which is probably right. Why in Dr Bob's nightmare it says, if you're an atheist, agnostic, I have some other sort of intellectual pride which keeps you from understanding what we're saying in this book. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you. Your heavenly father will never let you down. So one of the things that I found, you know, it says unless until alcohol accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences is its sobriety be precarious and of true happiness, will find none at all. I mean, how many people are actually satisfied where they are right now? How many people would like to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and Experience Much of Heaven? Well, one of the consequences, I suppose. I don't know. There's a lot of consequences to being an alcoholic. I guess one of the consequences is balking at this thing and want not wanting to do things. But one of the consequences of being an alcoholic, even though we never admit to it, we don't really realize we have it. Well, I'll put you this way. One of my consequences. Okay, one of my consequences. I'm not talking about you guys. I mean I'm sure you didn't have it. One of the things I have found out of my life is that one of the old ideas I have is that nobody I'm unique and nobody, nobody knows how I feel and nobody could pass. But after forty years of being an alcoholic, synomous, you know, I realize I'm like a twins. That's why this whole thing works. I start talking about myself and people come up and say you're talking about me. I mean women come up and say you're talking about me, and I'm just talking about myself. So I assume that if I had a thought, you know, other people out of thought. And one of the consequences of being alcoholics is basically feeling you're not worthy to be alive, you're nothing. I was a nothing. I was always going to be enohing. I used to put something in my body to turn me into an almost when you're nothing, almost as top of the world. One of the consequence of being an alcoholic is constantly feeling the need to prove that you're okay or better. You know, you get the goodlooking Gal because when you got the goodlooking deck out, that proves you're a man. You get laid because you proves you're a man. You make a lot of money because it proves you're better. You do so many things and you get involved in so many actions that are really self destructive and hateful just to make sure that everybody knows how wonderful you are and how great you are. And you know something, here's the problem. You buy the best car, you do the best thing, you do whatever you can to somehow prove that you're worth while, because the only way you ever feel worth while is if somebody else thinks you're worthwhile. And your whole life is devoted to try to feel as to look and feel and have people accept you for your wonderfulness. And here's the problem. You may succeed at times. She may get by the right car, get the right Gal, get the right guy, get the right house, but somehow it never seems to stick permanently. It's got a halflife of one week, one month, five years, whatever it is, and then you're back to being a piece of shit again. You know, you're back to being crappy again, and you got to use the booze man. There's no woman, there's no car, there's no amount of money ever made me feel okay with myself for more than a second or two. I came to the alcoholics, anonymous, and I started doing this deal, and not because I'm smarter. As a matter of fact, I had to get dumber. You got to lose some of them smarts, you know, and what I discovered is a very interesting phenomena. The more I started focusing on God...

...and increasing my faith in God, which, by the way, I think has something to do with the eleven step. Does the eleven step say I have to increase my conscious contact with God? Other WIS, no matter how much I'm thinking about God, I wherever I am at ten years, even if I'm going to church and I'm thinking about God at ten year. Let me have some. Is the eleven step suspended for somebody with ten years, or do I still have to do it? So now it's even if I have ten years and I'm doing the God thing, I'm even preaching the God, I'm even going to amy and I got another's elevens. That tells me is I need to focus on him more. You mean a twenty years, even after twenty years and talking all over the United States and talking about God and talking about like I'm talking, you mean I have to talk about them and think about them more. You mean after thirty years, even after, I got to talk about him and think about him more. You mean? I'm I just had thirty nine years in January, and you mean even and I talk a lot about God. You mean that's not enough. I got to think about them more. You know, I think if you do that, I think if you I think, if you get to the point somewhere around, I guess, the six step, where you're thinking about them and talking about him. And I don't know about you. It says God will show me how to create the fellowship by Crave. I guess if I think about him enough, I'm going to try to follow people. Does the books say? If you want we have and you only go to any length to get it, then you're ready to I guess I got to keep on increasing my weeds. I got to keep on finding different weeds and people in my group. I say I want what this guy has, want that guy has. I think if you keep on following people that want what you have and they're focusing on God, I think the person you'll wind up in the next five years will depend greatly upon who you hang out with and what they're talking about. I think that my rage a point in time with an alcoholic, if you're constantly hanging out with you, if you do what they say that you know when the big book? Do you know? When the big book they encourage Church membership? They say it twice. Did you know that little known thing? They encourage church membership. But you know, they say, they say it's not obligatory. They say most of us, most of the founders, do that and we encourage it, but it's not obligated. So some people, some people around nine hundred and ten, fifteen years, when they want more, they start going to church because they want more God and that's the only place this society can talk about. And some people don't go to church. They bad mouth church and they say, well, they don't say it's obligatory. Yeah, most of the founders went there and they don't think it's obligatory. Contempt prior to investigation. How many of those which people? Which of those people are thoroughly following the steps, are utterly giving themselves over to God? How is that deal going on? I mean, you know, I mean you know this is a problem. Rigorous honestly, don't you have to be honest with yourself at some point? Does it really matter let me ask you something, if you've got it. Is there anything in this program that they asked you to do which at first you don't want to do? Does anybody realize that when you come into alcoholics anonymous, whether it's holding hands or saying the Lord's prayer or saying the serenity prayer or whatever they ask you to do making coffee, that at first it's always asking you to do something you don't think is like that guy in the that I just wrote. Why do I have to do that? and Dr Bobs? What does that have to do with what is making coffee? I have to do with it. What is happening, though? The people have to do with it. What is saying this raight per everything you ever you ever realized that everything they ask you to do an a goes counter to what you want to do? So if somebody who is twenty years sobriety and they haven't been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and all they got is a medallion the show for...

...it and the new Jaguar and they want more, and I tell them maybe you want to start going to church or Bible study or hanging out people or up your game? What? What does it mean when they say to me, well, I don't want to do that. What is is that like in it? What are the what is that? I don't want it? Who cares what you want to do it or not? Question is where you want to grow up and be an adult and really do this thing you want to bullshit around. And so what's the difference? What's the difference? I'll tell you what the difference is. In my life, I'll get to the bottom line. The more I focused upon God, the less I thought about things. The more I focused upon on God, the less I thought about the things of this world, less I the let more I thought about God, the less I Sawt Comfort and pleasure in the things of this world and the less I was distressed about not having things. The more I thought about God, the less I felt that I needed to prove myself to anybody know, the less I felt unworthy. The closer I got to God and the more I felt about the closer I got to God and the more I was just wanted to do his will. Like Bill Wilson said, the Lord has been so wonderful me. Krim is terrible disease that I want to keep talking about him, talking about him and carrying his message, the more I felt that that was my calling and that I the less I felt I had to impress you, the less I went to a that, I could tell you this, the less I worried about it, the less I apologized for talking about I can promise you this. The more I thought about God and the more I thought that my salvation was with God and the important thing my life was God and God was the only thing I need. I can promise you this. The less I was concerned about what you thought about me. At the Barn, I got step meeting. I can promise you that. The less I worried about well, what do you think they thought about me? I talked about the less I applied it, the less I was apologetic about God, I can tell you that. And you know something, the more I felt that my life became to do his will, which was the maximum service to other people, and try to help other people and carry this message, the better I felt about myself and my sense of not being worthy disappeared. Because, I can tell you this, when you're doing when your life consists of doing what you believe God wants you to do, you always feel incredible and you don't have to have a lot of money in the bank, you don't be have to be having sex all the time or running for all the things that they run for in this world. And I will also tell you this. If that's the deal you're going to go for, if you're going to be separating yourself out the men rather than the boys, expect that people are going to mock you, expect that they're going to roll their eyes, expect that you're going to get flat because I guarantee you that's not what most of the people a day or after now. The good news is there may be people that mock that or think that's foolish, but maybe I was one of those people at one time. But a lot some of them will come around. You never know who's going to come. Sometimes the biggest mocker and the biggest and the biggest purse of the person that's the most against it will end up coming around. Because, let me tell you, some life is difficult, life is humbling. Your Life. Listen, you can do you can play the game all you want, but I can tell you this life is a humbling experience. You know, life is a humbling experience in at three o'clock in the morning when you're broke, or three o'clock morning when the doctors told you got terminal cancer. You understand what I'm saying. When somebody dies in the family, as close to you, when you get a...

...bitter disappointment, Robinson the irs seizes all your asset, when you're not such a big shot all of a sudden and you're looking around and nobody's there to help you and you're alone and the group ain't working, and a means you're getting boring. Let me tell you, you'd be surprised how, all of a sudden the idea of having a god in your life looks maybe appetizing. You understand, and then maybe you'll, maybe you'll do the the third step on steroids, which is the sixth step. You turn your entire you. You just let it go, you know, and that and when that happens, you'll start following people that are that you think are actually involved in this thing or serious about God. Then not apologetic about God. You'll start reading, you'll start being you know, many people in a come up me and say what Bible should I get? What church that you don't there are people in Aa you may find this hard to believe. There are people in a a that want this message. They want a message of death and wait. They don't want to go to group therapy, they don't want to go to a psychiatrist. They're not interested in that crap. They've been down that road. It has an helped at all. Is this so? I used up a now eight hundred and fifty one. So that's it for me. I don't have anything what I don't want to talk anymore. I'm getting pissed off. I'm not want to get pissed off kill guys are pissing me off. You know, not really. I love you. That's why I want to make sure that I share what I'm supposed. I don't leave anything on the table. What you know I feel. So I know you're probably never gonna hear anything like this again, but at least you're heard one time. You can never here's the deal. Once it's in there with you like it that once it's in there, you're screwed. You know how they say? You know how they say once you do a it screws up your drinking. So I'm just screwed up. You're thinking, you see, you can never walk around and say why? I never heard that. Nobody ever told me this. I never heard that in AA, that there was another way of doing it. I never heard anybody talk like that. It's a shame. I think it's a shame that if this is something you've never heard an a, I think it's a crying shame. You should think it's a shame. You should feel like you got you should feel like you got cheated, cheated. Or maybe you did hear it in a, but maybe you just dismissed it. That's possible to you hear what you want to hear, right, okay, so God bless you. Thank you very much for allowing me to rant.

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