AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 35 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 6 - Willingly, Utterly, Thoroughly & Honestly

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

Now you can heare, I didn't hear you that's great. I hate to speak for an hour and nobodyhear me that wouldn't be good good, bad meeting.Okay, my name's Russa, an alcohol CI, remember the satix group I haven'tfound that I was drink since January. Twenty Fifh, one okay, we'll see what happens now. Thisis about the time and my wife right for me like this, that I wish I hadactually planned to say something you know but uh. Well, whatever I'll just talk about mywife and I'll try to be sinceras possible, you know they say if you wantto have a good amy N, just try to be as honest and siners possible and Yo aslong as O as you learn how to fake that you got it made so I'll see what I cando here so Here'i'm going to talk about theseven Sixh step, which is quite frankly believe it or not. If you have afavorite step, I'm not sure I have one it's one of my favorite steps. Six andseven to me are the are the engine that really makes the difference betweenguys who're going to be sticking around for forty fifty years, and people aregoing ta be wanting what they have and the people that are going to fallback down to based on the gravitational pull of alcoholism, the people that arenever going to reach escape velocity. If you know what that is, I mean thereis two types: ofsovriety ocan have merphysical Sovrid in jowing, theaa Taa,not drinking club, which I guess we all come in on or you could be rocketed inthe fourth dimension of existence, which you would not even dream andexperienced much of having, and I I think I always wanted to be rocked inthe fourth dimension of existence, which I had not even dreamed, but Icould tay this at nine or ten years. I wasn't even close and I was doing a lotof work and Alcoholis ynonymous. I wasn't even close and I think if things start happeningfor me now now, letme letme say this to y. This is my life. This is my life.This is in your life. This is my life. Take what you like leave the rest,whatever you want to do, the same to dress reerse, I think, isimportant stuff, but the only thing I have to share is mystore. So this is my life, so I'm not telling you that this is going tohappen to you, or this is the way it's going to happen to you and you guys areprobably a lot brighter than me and you'll probably work it out a lotsooner, but I don't think I really started experiencing the promisespermanently. nexperiencing, the new freedom really on a daily hourly basis continuously, until I had more than twenty five yearssoriety. That's just my ideal. I H at this point in my life I tend to H, forwhatever reason h sponsor a lot of guys who talk with a lot of guys who have over you know over fifteen twenty years.Soriety I have. I have. I love newcomers any. If you're, a newcomerand you've been around me, you know I'm just crazy. I love newcomers, but I Ireally have a and in the an in the beginning, in my first ten years,variety fifteen years soriety, I can tell you. I felt very stronglythat my calling and my mission as I think we all should have it as ourmission was to go out and help New People Hbut Yh, I'm in my fortieth year and I'mseventy one years old and I've been through the I've been through thejungle and Um married thirty. Nine years raised fourkids, seven grandkids selfsupporting through my own contribution, I've beenthrough the Bullshid and I I know in an ofthe in the big book it says now andthen, once in a while, a drinker being dried t, the momentsays feel better look better. Having a...

...better time. He says we smile such Saly.We know he'll be trying the old game again. 'cause he's not happy with hissoriety soon he'll know loneliness as you do and being around for a while. II used to think that that only applies to h newcomers, New People and now I realize that h. That alsoapplies to guys fon. Fifteen twenty years, you're Gong to have to trust me when Isay I I meet a lot of guys and I work with a lot of guys who Hav O twent atwenty five years, that worka program a recovery that are not happy. You wouldn't know they're, not happy'cause, they know how to talk a hey and they know how to do a meeting and theygot twenty five years. So you assume that everything's wonderful, but it's not and uh, and so I have a heartnow and I try to talk a lot about emotional sobriety, especially the guysthat have you know more than fifteen twenty years, because because I I took me a long timeto get to, I thought I was never going to get it nine years. Od Ri thought itwas never going to happen and- and you know the truth, is theysayng the big book? He says this is available to us being Rockin in theforce mentioned, existence experience much a heaven, Nowang happythat, youknow knowing much of Heaven and and the truth is if this is never going tohappen for us, then you know we're we're Bas, ing our lives on a textbook. That's a lie, but I wantto tell you something that textbook is not Ali. There's concrete, onneet themlilypayas. It is the truth 'cause. It happened to me and if it happened toyou, there's no secret. What God can do you know if he's done to for others? Hecan do it for you, and I can tell you he's done it for me. So what I want toshare is about Um, emotional sobriety andpermanent Um, the permanent promises and how it'sworked after me, and all I have is my story. You don't have to believe it. Itdoesn't matter to me, I'm not here, to impress anybody, I'm just here to do myjob to be a maximum service, an sure honestly, you know this is this is whatI believe this is what's happene to me. I've seen it in my own in my own life, and so I'm Gonto talk about the sixstep. I'm going to talk about a step. That's going to separate you out S, O step that they say separates theMEM from the boys on they talk about a step where they say nomaly. Does it separate the men from the boy sothere's some sort of separation in a from just not drinking and going aevings to something different than that? I'm talking about a set that says thetest to see whether or not you have been separated out is whether your lifeis devoted to trying to grow in the image and likeness of your Creator. So I'm going to talk as they say,inchatisignostic Io, to talk about God and I'm not going to be ashamed to talkabout God, I'm not going to apologize to talk about God is aic. I think I'mgoing to ask you guys a question. I don't want any answer. You can call it a rhetorical questionor you could call it h, just the question I what to think about it.Maybe we'll talk about it next week. If the big book says Um whois going to do the uterleafing forme, okay, biddy. We read that thing fromthe book where that that lined from the book about utterly you can't read they they want to muteyou. They won Li on Youou. This is ruining the entire deal here. I thinkTBECKY's in charge of that she can on Unru on you t bitty, so she can n TireOai'm, an alcoholic I' age, sixty three, the big hook of Alcholic anonamas inthe second paragraph gown in typical alcoholic fashion, thewarning or her you work step reecoms after stepthree, and it says this...

...we thought well before taking this step,making sure we were ready semicolon that we could at last abandon ourselvesutterly to him who's got the definition of utterly. I do Russell. Okay, please read thedefinition of itterly. Certainly we just get it up here: okay, utterlycompletely, and without qualification, absolutely and and what is what are some of thesynonyms for utterly well, some of the CITOMEMS for utterlyAr thoroughly rigorously in depth, exhaustivly fromcop to bottom. Minutely, closely, downright absolutely completely totallyentirely so utterly is a cintimen forouderlyis thoroughly absolutelikerarely have we seen a person fail, who is thoroughly followed our path yes andtheir pants and the big book was. They were rocketed in the forth dimension ofexistence which they had not even dreamed, and they said the great factis this and nothing less, which probably means there's no wiggle room,nothing less than this. The God became the central fact of their lives andthey became committed to the fact and absolutely certain that he lived intheir hearts and minds in a way that was indeed miraculous that God wasdoing for them. What they couldn't do for themselves. That's by the way, IAS,not original thought of my part. That's our basic text that we've allharmoniously: greed upon that sort of thoroughly ind. That sort of utterlythat deal right. That's the deal and that's what you need to do, apparently,in order to be rocket in the fourth dimension of existence, in order toexperience much of heaven at least that's what they say. So let me ASISand then it says I think in deba talked about the gold timers.There is no record of what happened at the first meeting,except for a great fine account years later, noting that it was led by DoctorBob who put his foot on the rung of a Diing Room Chair identified himself asan alcoholic and began reading sermon on the mount and that's from Doctor Bob in the goodold tires. Let me read this: This is from dctorBobon te good old timers. On the other hand, we were taking themt upstairs and getting them on their knees to surrender, which I felt was the very importantpart. The surrender was more than important. It was a must bobby who cameinto a in February of nineteen. Thirty seven recalled that after five o sixdays in the Hospitalwhen, you had indicated that you were serious. Theytold you to get down on your knees by the bed and say a prayer to God. Ameing,you were palased over alcohol and your life was unmanageable. Furthermore, you had to state that youbelieved in a higher power would return you to Savurda there. You could see thebeginning of the twelve steps. We called that the surrender they demandedit. You could not go to a meeting until youdid it. If by accent you didn't make it in thehospital you had to make it in the upstairs bedroom over the Williamson'shouse, Dorothysm recalled nineteen thirtyseven meetings when the men would all disappear upstairs and all US womenwould be nervous and worried about what was going on after about a half an hour or so downwould come. The new man shaking white series and grim and all the people whowere already in AA would come trooping down after Hem they were prettyreluctant to talk about what had...

...happened, but after a while they wouldtell us they had a real surrender. I often wonder how many people thatcome in now would survive an experience like that, an old fashioned prayermeeting or how about this? Perhaps there is a better way we thinkfor now, you're on a different basis base of trust in relying upon God, youArgh to trust infinite God, rather than your infinite fiyour finiteself you're in the wall to play the role he assigns just to the extent thatyou do as you think he would have you and humbly rely upon him. Does heenable you to match calamity with ready or how about this above everything wemust get rid of this selfishness. We must reguse us God makes that possible.itseems no other way getting around it, except through his help once make thatdecision. For God. Also it's remarkable things happen. It happened being allpowerful, all powerful. He will give us everything we need if we stay close tothem and perform his work. Well, but we don't know whether we'll know you wut.We can't say that God will decide that and you're real. You have to rememberthat your real reallize always has to be on him. YEU will show you how tocreate the fellowship you Crave Seeda Way. Your relationship with him isright and great events will happen to you, ancountless others. If a mere coat of morals or a betterphiloophy of IFE would have saved us, then we'd be sober and fine a long timeago, but it didn't save US 'cause. We lacked a necessary power and that's whywe wrote a good book. wher we're going to talk about God. You know agnosticismatheism, Ol, this sort of thinkitg has to be abandoned, God either is or heisn't. What is your decision going to be you know, and then then it goes onto say with us. There is no middle of the road solution. There is no middle road solution andfinally and here's the last thing I'm going to read and then I'm going to askyou a question: You must never pthis is by the way inthe big book. If you haven't read it, you must never apologize to anyone for,depending upon your Creator, you can laugh at those who thinkspirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way ofstrength. The verdict of the agess. That faithmeans courage. All men of faith have courage; theytrust their God, never apologize for God. Instead, let him demonstrate throughyou what he can do. Ask Him to remove your fear and direct your attention towhat he would have you be and once at once, you will commence tooutgrow fear says it twice: Never Apologize! Howabout this one we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. Webegin to see how some of these religious people are right, ow about the fact that they encouragechurch membership. So here's is the question. I want to ask you if the bigbook on at least says all that and says God has to become the centralfact in our lives that we have to be convinced that he lives in our heartsomemives an a way which is dee, miraculous, that he is the one that hasall power we need to find him now and that wecan't manage our way out of this, and no human tower can help us, but Godcould and would, if you were sought. If,...

...if the big book says this, we mustnever apologize for anyone who dependes upon God. I have just one question: Why is it in most aarooms newcomers feel that if they talk about God they'redoing something wrong? Why is it an Ame means that most peoplefeel hesitant to talk about God because they feel people leither, mock,'em, laugh at 'em or Talk Hem after meeting n say we don't talk about stufflike that it makes people uncomfortable. I mean. I know this is true. 'causeI've been around e for forty years and I know it's true 'cause. I have everytime I'm just. I always talk about God, and I talk about God. Just the Wat I'mtalking about right now and I have people to come up from me from all overthe country, and you know they say to me. I mean I'm just telling you thetruth. They say Manthey, don't talk about stuff likethis in my metings. I've never heard stuff like that in mymeetings. So I have a question for you that youcan think about. You ought to think about. You really ought to think aboutthis, and then you think about the seventh, the sixth t and the SSUMMERstep in the separation of the mens from the boys that there may be actually atleast two AAs. Maybe even three, if you read the the essay strong touch C strong, Um Cup of tea, which is I attached to myemails, there's an Aa for people that just areinterested in not drinking and that's about it and then there's an ag. I mean forpeople who want to grow in the image and like to sor of their creator, andyou might want to consider the possibility that the people that areseparated out the people, the old timers I used tohang with, are quite frankly few and far between many reecalled it fewere chosen andthat most people n a even though they say they believe in God, and they evensay the Lord's prayer and do a whole lot of stuff. Like that, the truth othe matter is when somebody talks about God. It makes him uncomfortable. You might consider the fact that thereare people in fifteen twenty years that if you talk about God, it makesthem uncomfortable. So you may want to try to ask some ofthe question why I sa we have a book where the entire book, the entire book,if you read it, not alcoholically, because I think what the book says is that the peoplethat don't get this thing are people whoare constitutionally incapable ofbeing honest with themselves. They cannot live a life which demandsrigorous honesty. You can read the book in a dishonest way and look for theloopholt and say well t you can pick your own Guod and you know my God is ayou know a Bush or you know, so you can do anything you want and- and I hatereligion and nobody's going to tell me- and you can sh you can you can read t ebook in such a way, so you don't have to believe in anything. You can say you could see you believein everything and that's like believe it in nothing. You know what I meanbecause h, you know, but because the book seems to talk about it in adifferent way. So you know you might want to ask thequestion how come if we have a book our basic text, which makes God the centepiece, are ourlives and talks about? Finally, reaching the point where your rocketisn, the forth tomention existence and no much of heaven and happiness and thenew freedom an the way. It says you do that is thisand nothing less that God has to become the sentual fact of your life and myser in in my sirvls. We call I wordship as a matter of fact, in the seven stepin the sixteend seven sait, they say you could have an Havit, you canbelieve in God and say you believe in God, but your faith is...

...paren if it has nothing to do with yourlife. If God is not the sential fact, O YourLife, you noyou may think it's difficult toget down in your knees and say the thirdsteir prayer. I know a lot ofpeople that get down on their knees and say I got down on my eave and I saidthe third step prayer. I know how that works. Shou go in a bathroom, you lockthe door, you close the door youget down you nee, just say the pray you getup and say I've done the prayer, and then you go on business as usual, trying to find trying to gather upmoney, power, prestige and manage your life so that you won't feel soworthless, trying to prove to everybody howwonderful you are because teep down eside, you feel like such a piece ofshit. Get all the money get the GALS, get theguys get the marriage get the house basically live. Your Liv basically livethe godless life. You lived before. You came aday every once in a while, going to ameeting and holding hands and saying the Lords ther and figuring. Well,that's you gave Hem your scraps. You know you sort of threw in the toweljust rendit, then you snatched it back and spent the rest of your life rippingoff strips to see whet. That would satisfy him, but basically living yourlife. The way you want to live your life, you don't go to church, becausepeople in Aa say I'm spiriual, not religious and apparently there'ssomething wrong, woith being religious. Apparently, that's the feeling peopleget in alcohol SNAMIS. I hear that a lot, even though amby who went to Jo toh Bill Wilson. He said he brought him asimple religious idea, even though the books they thought were absolutelyessential from nine thirty five and nineteen thirty nine were sermon on theMoun first current thy Ascertin in the book of James, even though we erealmost named the James Luve, even though the the real sponsors of BillWilson was Galleyn, the Jejuit priest and Sam Shoemaker and the whole thingcame out of the Oxford Movement, but somehow some way and I'm not quite surehow this happened. Maybe I can give you my theories on how it happen. Maybe ithappened whenever when people started making money and the hospitals startdforming and people start going to treatment, centers and people feltuncomfortable with the God thing. Maybe it happened just the way it's happeningin society where they started, making it more psychological, but somehow itwent from a book that basically spoke only about finally getting you througha series of stenps which were only spiritual exercises so that you couldmake God the central fact of your life and transform your life with some sortof profound spiritual awakening that Doctor Bob said M. I talk to Bob DrCarl Young said I'm a psychiagrist, I'm the greatest psychitics of the world.I'v Never Been Able to save an alcoholic like you when he was talkingto Roland has it. He says I've never beensuccessful with a person that has the mind of chronic alchhol. Is there nohelp? Yes here and there once in a while? It's the God thing, ideas,emotions and atitudes that are the guiding force of these men's lives areshifted to one side. They become dominated by whole, new set of ideas,emotions and attitude. The entire book Fogu there's a chapter toagnostic. Youknow the jop to thnosuccess. It says this kind of thinking has to beabandoned. It says, stop being agnaustid stop being atheist. The bottom line is,is the entire Bux is meant to finally get you to the point where you acceptGod totally without doubt that he becomes the central fact ofyour life, the central fact of your life andyou're, absolutely certain that he lives in your heart and mind, which isindeed miraculous. I understand we came in like I come in not buying into theGod deal as Maverick the book anticipates it. It siyse the hacklesand our necks grow up and all that sort of stuff. It's a spiritual kindergarten,but I think the book anticipates said some ere along the way, some of usgoing to want it to go to college. Some of us are going to want to graduatehigh school someone's going on, try to grow Tho hell up and become adultsinstead of children getting our own way.

Instead of you, K O, we have ha thingcalled T, a second step being open minded. The one thing that'll, keep youeverlasting. Ignorance is contempt, is contempt pride to investigation a big book, that's Doccamo, gltime says the books. We'vefound absolutely essential that you have to work this thing thoroughly. Theway we worked it if it says the book we find absolutely essential, our firstcommitthen thirteenth sermon on them out and the book at James. I wonder how many people study the booka James Study, first Guarinthian, thirteen study sermon on the Moun,actually study it in groups or anything like that. That's what they werereading the first four years, five years in ound afterthat too, for many years after that, so why is it? You know I mean it's ittrue, the Mi. What my sponsor said to me says he says you must have thoughtyou joined well peebles, anonymous that you really deal with a bunch ofpeople at all stages in their career. That really want to balk of this anddon't want to change, and don't want to do this- that the majority of people n a arejust here to stay sober and they don't want to invest in this. The way youwanto invest in this. What's this rally, Hav we seen aPRERSVAIL WO is suroly fought? U At! I guess I is it true, like it said in theessay, a Strong Cup of tea, that ultimately in the nineteen fifties, Eifinally discovered ais fondly discovered that you could actually staysober for a long period of time without doany any of these steps. You think it's possible to stay overfor ten or fifteen years or twenty years running around doing your lifechasing after the fudge and the women and the cars and eveything like thatand still say sober. I think, that's possible to just stay so roun, thefellowship, I know what's possible, I've seen it happen. Well, if you're analcoholiin you're, not Thoroughlyn, committed to this book ready that stuff,you know and you're staying sober for ten or fifteen. If you got fifteenyears sobriety and you're, not drinking and you're, picking up your metallionswho's going to tell you, why would you ever do the God thinganyway, you know: Do you think, as Po may be populated by millions of people that don't reallywant to do a or their ideas? Well, I I you do a yourway I'll. Do it my way or there are. I don't know: are there arther if thereare ten million people ay ar ther ten million ways? Let me ask some: Is therea program on recovery or ther, ten million programs have recoverd. Does the book say really haven' seenperson fall H is thoroughly folgld our path or do whatever the hell. You wantto do, however, way you want to do it and you'll get the same same thing. Do the words thoroughly me t, does worthoroughly or utterly mean thoroughly or utterly, or does it mean whateverthe hell an alcoholic wants to say it means as long as they can still cobitadultering as long as they can still steal, as long as they can still say to asponsor get out of my face, I'm not drinking you. Do Your Program I'll, domy program or maybe not even have a sponsor at all. So why does? Why is it that if the bigbook says all those things I just said this isn't me, you know what I mean,I'm not telling you this. If the big book says all those things, why is it?People are scared to talk about God and a a let's Jus say the way I talk about 'em.You know the way O Wilson talked about him when Giwilson said when Bill Wilsonsaid m. The Lord has been so wonderful to mecuring me of this terrible disease that I gotta keep talking about it andtelling other people. Why don't people talk about that inAlcohol Saddamis? why On't they stress and Wy Tin God t as wide people? Why donewcomers feel that...

...if they talk about God as being thecentral fact of their lives and their their experience, I'm not saying itnever happens. It does happen once while. Why is this overriding feelingthat they're doing something wrong? Is it because there are people in Aathat have time that will come up to and say you're talking too much about? God is because they're being told or giventhe message, theyre talkn too much about God. Let me ask you this question.Let me read you this one part. This is when the Dor Bob sponsored and twelve steppd Clarence the BGROOMASTER in nineteenthirty seven says: Nineteen thirty six could have been D Smith came, Clarence was in the hospital he's lyingon a hospital bed for alcoholism. He's T he's thirty. Four years old docksmithcame in later and took over. He sat on the edge of my bed and said. Well whatdo you think about all this? Then he paused and looked at me doubtfully. I don't know if you're ready, yetyou're kind of young. I was down to one hundred and thirty five pounds: No job,no clothes, Hend, no money. I didn't know how much more Readi I could berecalled. Clarence still I had to convince them. I was ready Ye dctor bob asked. This is what thefirst question Doctor Bob asked: Clarence, do you believe in God, young fellow you believe in God Young Fello? Asanybody ever hear anybody say: Don't talk about the Godthing, you mightscare away the newcomer, Tey eever heard something like that. Ana don't talk about the God thing you might scare away the newcomer. Well, maybe dctor Bob wasn't as smartas us. You know what I mean. This is what Doctor Bob said. Do youbelieve in God young fellhe always Cald me, young fellow, when he called MeClarence? I knew I was in trouble. What does that have to do with it? What does that have to do with it? This is what Doctor Bob said: everything everything I was like he sponsoed by Dctor Bob.Maybe you wouldn't be sponsored by Doctor Bub. You Eve, hear anybodysaying a AF. They mentioned the God thing I would have left ever seenanybody saying if they had mentioned the God thing. I would life anybody ad alcohol, it's really atfull of Shit.You know that they don't know whether they would h ve left or not. But let'ssay they would have left how many people can day. 'CAUSE TIcouldn't start drinking okay, so let's say I would have leftwhat do you think I would have done right after I was leaving. I would have started drinking again and I would have either died Er. Iwould a crawl back in Dae and sat there and did what they told me to do, but of course, athoks all alwayscodependence too. We got a lot of issues a want people to like us, God forgid somebody should walk awayand say I don't like those a people. They talk about God. We don't want thatto happen. You know the worst thing in in outfoks life. We have that bondageto self worth, and people loving us so much that wewould rather see him diethan hurt their feelings. He says he says everything. I guess Ido guess nothing either you do or you don't. Yes, I do. That's fine Bobreplied now we're getting somewhere some place all right, get out of bedand get on your knees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray. I guessyou don't, but that's. Okay, just follow what I say and that will do fornow. I did what I was ordered to do. Clarence said there was no suggestion. Doctor Bob was always positive abouthis faith. Clarence said: If someone...

...asked him a question about the program.His usual response was what dis it say in the good book suppose he was asked.What's all this first things first, Doctor Bob would be ready with anappropriate quotation: seeke first, the Kingdom of God and his righteousness,and all these things shall be added to you, which is probably right why in DoctorBobb's nightmare, it says if you're, an atheists Lygnosticraha some other sortof intellectual pride which keeps you from understanding what we're saying inthis book. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry for you, your heavenly fatherwill never let you down. So one of the things that I found, youknow it says: Nlessen into an alcohol, accepts his alcoholism in all itsconseences USTBRIE. I be precarious and, if truehappiness, O fun O it all. I mean how many people are actuallysatisfied where they are right now how many people would like to be rocketin the Fort Dimension of existence and Experience Much of Heaven? Well, one of the consequences. I suppose I don't know there's a lot ofconsequences to be in an alcoholic. I guess one of the consequences isbalking at this thing and not wanting to do things but one of the consequences of being analcoholic, even though we never admit to it n. We don't even realize we haveit well. I'll put it t this way, one of myconsequences. Okay, one of my consequences- I'm not tanking about youguys, I mean I'm sure you didn't have it. One of the things I have found outin my life is that one of the old ideas I have is that nobody, I'm unique andnobody. Nobody knows how I feel nobody could pass, but after forty years tobeing an Auchol San option, ow I realize I'm like a twin. That's whythis whole thing works. I start talking about myself and people come up and sayyou're talking about me. I mean women come up and say you're talking about meand I'm just talking about myself. So I assumed that if I had a thought youknow, other people had a thought and one of the consoants to Bein alcohol,causeust, basically feeling you're not worthy to be alive, you're, nothing. I was not tag. I was always going to beenothing. I used to put something in my body to Turne me into an almost whenyou're, not an almost the top of the world. One of the consepuents o beingalcoholc is constantly feeling a need to prove that you're, ok or better. You know you get the good looking Gal,because when Youve got the good looking dackout that proves you're a man youget laid 'cause, you prove you're a man. You make a lot of money 'cause, itproves you're better. You do so many things and you get involved in so manyactions that are really self destructive and hayeful. Just to makesure that everybody knows how wonderful you are and how great you are- and youknow something, here's the problem you find the best car you do the best thingyou do whatever you can to somehow prove that you're worthwhile, becausethe only way you ever feel worth while is if somebody else thinks you'reworthwhile and your whole life is devoted to try to feel, is to look andfeel and how people accept you for your wonderfulness and here's the problem.You May succeed at times you may get by the right car and get the right Gow getthe right guy get the right house, but somehow it never seems to stickpermanently. It's got a half wife of one week, one month, five years,whatever it is and then you're back to being a piece of shit again, you know you're back to being crappy again andyou gotto use the booze man. There's no woman, there's no car, there's noamount of money ever made me feel Oky with myself for more than a second ortwo. I came Itouhaks anonymis and I starteddoing this deal and not Togo. Some smarter, as a matter of fact I had toget dumber, you got to lose some of them smarts. You know, and what I discovered is a veryinteresting phenomena,...

...the more I startd focusing on God in increasing my faith in God, which,by the way, I think, has something to do with the eleven step. Doesn't theeleven step say I have to increase my conscious contact with God other words,no matter how much I'm thinking about God, I, wherever I am at ten years,even if I'm going to church and I'm think about God, a tenr. Let me ask SOMAzeelebin step suspended for somebody with ten years or do I still have to doit so Kno, it's even if I have ten years and I'm doing the God thing, I'meven preaching the God, I'm even going to aimme- and I got anolers on thattells me is: I need to focus on him more. You meen it twenty years, even aftertwenty years and talking all over the United States and talking about God andtalking about like I'm taling, you mean I have to talk about Hem and thinkabout hem more you mean after thirty years, even aftera l, I got to talk about him and think about him more. You mean I just had thirty nine yearsin January and you mean even and I talke a lot about God, you mean that'snot enough. I got to think about Hem more you don. I think, if you do that, I think if you, I think, if you get toa point somewhere around, I guess the six step we you're thinking about Hem andtalking about him and I o about you. It says godwill show me how to create thefellowship. I crave. I guess, if I think about him, not I'm going to tryto follow people. Does the book say if you want we have and you only go toanylengt toget. It then you're, ready T. I guess I got to keep on increasing mywees. I got to keep on finding different wees and people in my groop.I sa want what this guy has one back. I ask: I think if you keep on followingpeople that want what you have and they're focusing on God, I think theperson you'll wind up in the next five years will depend greatly upon who youhang out with and what they're talking about. I think that my rate yopoint intime with an alcoholic if you're, constantly hanging out with you, ifyou're doing what they say, you know what the Big Book Do. You know what thebig book they encouraged Church membership. They say it twice dit. Youknow that little own thing. They encourage church membership, but youknow they say they say it's not obligatory. They say most of us most ofthe founders. Do that and we encourage it, but it's not obligated so some people,some people round nine ten fifteen years when theywant more, they start going to church 'cause. They want more God and that'sthe only place this society you can talk about and some people don't go tochurch they badmouthchurch and they say. Well, they don't say it's obligatory.Yeah most of the founders went there and they don't think it's obligatory contempprie to investigation how manyof th, which Peop, which of those people are thoroughly following thesteps, are uttely giving themselves over to God. How is that deal going on? I mean youknow I mean you know this is from a rigorous honesty. Don't you have to behonest with yourself at some point? Does it really matter? Let me ask yousomething: If you've got A, is there anything in this program that they askdyou to do which at first you don't want to do? Does anybody realize that when youcomein downhowkand, honest, whether it's holding hands or Saing, the LordSprayer or saying this renty prayer or whatever they ask you to do makingcoffee that at first it's always asking Yo to do something that you don't thinkis like that guy? In that I just wrote. Why do I have to do that and DCOR ABA?What does that have to do with what is making coffee I ouve to do with it?What is happen? People have to do it it. What is saying this Rah f everything Yol ever ever realize that everythingthey ask you to do an a goes counter to what you want to do. So, if somebody who, as twenty yearssobriety and they haven't been Rockeng in the Fort Tomention of existence andall they got- is a metalion to show for...

...it and t e New Jaguar and they wantmore, and I tell them, maybe you want to start going to church, your Bible,study or hanging out people are up your game whwhat. Does it mean when they say tome? Well, I don't want to do that W I that, like what? What is that Idon't Wan, who cares whether you want to do it or not? Thequestion is whether you want to growup, be an adult and really do this thingyou want to bullshit around, and so what's the difference? What'sthe difference I'll tell you what the differences in my life I'l get to thebottom line, the more I I focused upon God, the less I thought about things, the more I focused upon God, the less Ithought about the things of this world. Less, I the La more I thought about God,the less I sought, comfort and pleasure in the things of this world and the less I was distressed about nothaving things the more I thought about God, the less.I felt that I needed to prove myself to anybody erthe less. I felt unworthy the closer I got to God and the more Ifelt about the closer I got to God and the more I I just wanted to do. Hiswill, like Tolosan said the Lord has been sowonderful me Crei, tar disease. I want to keep talking about him talking abouthim carrying his message. The more I feltthat that was my calling and that I, the less I felt I had toimpress you the less I went to A. I could tell youthis the less I worried about the less I apologized for talking about. I canpromise you this, the more I thought about God and the wmore. I thought thatmy salvation was with God and the important thing my life was gone, andGod was the only thing I need. I can promise you this, the less. I wasconcerned about what you thought about me at the Bornagot step meeting. I can promise you that the less Iworred about well. What do you think they thought about me? I talked aboutthe less I appied, the less. I was apologetic about God. I can tell youthat, and you know something the more. I felt that that my life became to dohis will, which was the amaximum service, Don the people and try to helpother people and carry this message. The better I felt about myself in my sense of not being worthydisappeared, because I can tell you this when you'redoing when your life consists of doing what you believe, God wants you to. Do. You always feel incredible and you don't have to have a lot ofmoney in the bank. You don't have to be having sex all the time or running forall the things that they run for in this world, and I will also tell youthis. If that's the deal you're going to go for, if you're going to beseparating yourself out the man, rather, the boys expect that people are goingto mock. You expect that they're going to roll in their eyes expect thatyou're going to get flat tos. I guarantee you, that's not what most ofthe people at a Ar after now, the good news is. There may be people that mockthat or think that's foolish, but H- and maybe I was one of those people atone time, but a l, some of them will come around. You never know who's goingto co, sometimes the biggest mocker and the biggest and the biggest h persothe person that's the most against it. Wi'll end up coming around because, letme tell you some life is difficult. Life is humbling. You Life, listen, youcan do. You can play the game all you want, but I can tell you this life is ahumbly inexperience. You know life is a homely, anexperience and at three o'clock the morning when you're broke at threeo'clock morning, when the doctors told you got terminal cancer. You understandwhat I'm saying when, when somebody...

...dies in the family is close to you,when Youe got a bitter disappointment, robs an the irs SEZs, all you're assing,when you're not such a big shot, all of a sudden and you're looking around andnobody's there to help you and you're alone, and the group ain't working anda beens are getting boring. Let me tell you, Youd, be surprised. All of asudden, the idea of having a god in your lifelooks maybe appetizing you understand t at then maybe o'maybeyou'll do t e the third step on steroids, which is the sixtess. You turn your int ou you just let it go.You know and t a when that happens. You'll start following people that arethat you thinkre actually involved. I this thing or serios about God: They're,not apologetic about God. You'll start reading. You'll start be. You know howmany people in a come up e and say what Bible should I get? What church youknow there are people in AA. You may find this hard to believe. There arepeople in Aa that want this message. They want a message of death and waythey don't want to go to group therapy. They don't want to go to a psychiatrist.They're, not interested in that craft. They've been down that road. It hasn'thelped at all. What is this so I used up an now, eight, fifty one. So that's it for me. I don't haveanything tosay Um I don'twan talking when I'm Dong Piss all his as a pissing me off Yoa O. Really I love you. That's why I wantto make sure that I share, but I'm I don't leave anything on the table whic.You know how I feel so. I know you'e probably never t hear anything likethis again, but at least you're heard at one time. You can never hear''s adeal once it's in there wheth you like it, not once it's in there you'rescrewed. You know they say you know how they say once you do a it screws up, you'redrinking, so I'm just screwed up your thinking. You see you can never walkround and say well. I never heard that nobody ever told me this. I never heardthat in Aa that there was another way of doing it. I never heard anybody talklike that. It's a shame. I think it's a shame that this is something you'venever heard on AA. I think it's a crying shame. You should think it's ashame. You should feel like you got, you should feel like you got cheated feeded or maybe you did hear it in a, butmaybe you just dismissed it that's possible to you hear what you want tohear right. Okay, so God bless you. Thank you very much for allow me toRant.

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