AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 34 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 5 - Further Humility

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

That my name's Russell Spato'm analcoholic- and I am a member of the suljict group and it'Sgood to be here,and I heard that lily was talking about the letter and I'll start off of theletter, because it's uh, you know one of the things I like about. Our storiesis they're all well, I believe, they're, all truthfully. You know ther an soilTa. I got a letter. I don't know whether it's anybody in this group. Ihope it is, but if it's not, I Hovn't send its Cape, maybe itwill get to thisperson and I got it by snailmail. I get very few things by snailmell these days,everything's by email, and I got this letter sitting on my desk assembelop noreturn address, so I opened it up and it's this letter. It's O. IT'S RITTEN!U, on the front of the back and and script and in a very nice letter, youknow tell me how much I've helped them and how much they enjoy me and all thissort of stuff, and then they advised that h they're very sad that theyunderstood that I had to leave alcoholic synonymous. Sad to hear that I was leavingalcoholics anonymous so wherever that person is, I want to let them know that I I have a reprieve and not beingpicked out, I'm just merely on probation, supervise release. You know,and I have a probation officer from the Home Office there probm Wen guys stairs.So I'm going to try to be a good boy tonight. I'm Oa Toplo that step five.Well, you know how that is, I think, probably am I'm going to try to connecta few dots. I tell you about my own experience and H, so you know I should sa. Youknow what happens with me. Is that you all as y? U, as you stay around the whale W,you start connecting the dots you start seeing some stuff and uh, so the bottomline is I I'm going to talk a little bit about uh about what I've found and what I haveseen, and so in order for me to talk to you about, I'm not going to tay o howto do step five, and you need to talk to your sponsor and not necuarly that'te five. I did my I did t with a psychiatrist actually and that's awhole story that I ner my not get into. Apparently it's Suffie sdumped inaround I'm in my Forti theear. So apparently it worked. I did the worstforn step in the world, apparently at worke. So I I think, don't worry aboutperfection just go out and do it, but I a you going to be doing, because whatthese steps you're going to do is set you up for doing it for the rest ofyour life. You'll just be repeating them and Reyou know: Waxon wax offlockn black, so off you'll just be doing it for th, the rest of your lifeand them one day you wake up and you're, not even doing this th. You know whenyou first start doing the steps you said: Oh tr, they're, so differentthey're, so different, Wike O. Oh, I think I just did a step. Three. Someguy in AA asked you for directions. How do I get to an a room? You say O godown the block and go tin O teriht? Oh, I think I just did a step. Well, Oh, Ithink that was a step ten you know and you're so distinct and so different ayou do 'em over and over and over again. You know and this this sort os is thisstep. Behavior, which is sort of you know, exercises you get so used to thestep ten and the making me amends and finally restraining tongue in pen anddoing the fourstuff and inventory yourself and doing all of a sudden. Youdo it over over. Over and over again and one day you wake up and guess whatyou're just not doing the steps anymore you're, not not you're, happy you'rejoyous you've been rocking in the fourth to mantion existence you for themost part, maybe not perfectly los per o people, an econoagain security y. Youlive in a life of joy. You know that kind of deal you seem to you know youhave no desire to drink o doing greak. You Got Twenty five years, but you'renot doing the steps and you you're not even turning you're, not even doing theThir step. You're, not you're, not H. turning things over you know, and and then you realize that you're livinga turned over life and you realize you're not doing thesteps you're live in the steps you've been doing these bloody things. Iremember tell my sponsor, I said I think you're brainwashing te said well.Maybe your brain needs washing and all of a sudden you've been doing tho stepso many times and Desponso when you're doing service and go to meetings thattheyve finally completed the brainwashing- and you are, you- are thebig buck you're just doing the deal and H, of course, that comes from doingthis over and over again and getting repeated humiliations, AI've ot, acrushing of our self sufficiency and being fine tuned and all that sort ofstuff. So I'm Gonta talk, I'm not going to talk about how to do the FTSTEP inthe book. It gives you guidance. It says perhaps you're doctor apsychologist or a close mal friend and Blah Blah Blah. It touch you all haw todo it o go to read it and h. That kind of thing. I want to talk to you aboutthe PRI. Some of the principals and some of the nuances of the Stepan.What's really behind it, I want to talk about motivations, so why you mightwant to do it and how it fits in, because I wa out Tas when they firstcome in hut, they're really thicken in their mind, even if they don't voiceitis. Why do I have to do this? Why should I whyt? Do I have to go toMeetts? Why do I have to get a sponsor?...

Why? Why do I have to do this? I meanafter they get past the initial Wyam I an alcoholic crap. They stark oing untoth l. Why do I have to do this? I Yo K W in the first step that has rati. Ilove to think about why all the SSISTAN sistens I' Eing, bon 'cause, nobody'sgoing to do this crap unless they tin their life. Is TB and that's goodenough good enough for me nobody's going to do it unless you think it lifedepends upon. You know, Never Oban out tot of his desperation. So I'm going togive a couple of hinses y two connect. A few dots and here's a deal, I'm I'm just going to talk about mylife, the fif sort of like some things aboutthe fit step on read somethings out of the big book, read a couple of thingsout: Ot, twelve and twelve, and I want you to think about hem andHereis the deal. I'm I'm going to make some statementsomeone to give some opinions, I'm an opinionated Apholic, but you are goingto have to figure this thing out. Listen. I don't want to infringe onyour right to get this thing wrong. I I don't want to infringe on your right toyou know. In your mind, say I think this guy's fullish Idon't want toinfringe on your right t to disregard what I'm saying and have a secondopinion. I don't win fringe on your right to say to me Russell. You NonUnderstand, I'n difference. I don't want infringent that I want you to gothrough the deal. I don't watch if just necessarily take what I'm telling youand and say. Well, I guess he's right or something like that. I want you tocome to your own conclusions. About this thing, because, quite frankly, Ithink sometimes the the best the best situation have is when you come to yourown conclusion, comes your own conclusion about your appholism, aboutyour powerlessness about you need to have God in your life. Come to your ownconclusion. A D said somebody shoving it down your throat, so I'M G N, I'mjust going to read a couple of things for the big book. Now one of the thingsthat that I I have decided in my own life and not only big book, but you know I'mlikable. I I many years later, when I got got to around nine to tenyears ofriy and I needed more and I needed closer contact and I was Thirstaand I was hungry. I started going. The Bible study, which is it's not conference, disapproved by theway. It's not conferences proved. If you read docabom good old tinerds,that's all they were doing. They were just reading the Bible. A first commitThein Tirteen Cook in Canes and Sumen around the mouth. So it's not just, butI started doing that because the big book encourages church membership. ItSa it says it this way. It says you don't have to do it, but most of us the founders, this theway they put it. They sai you Youdon't have to do it. You know it's just asuggection, but most of us do it. So then you run headlong into that. Rarelyhave we seen the person failed, who has thoroughly followed out atand you gotyou' got to save you something you can do this ing an say? Well, I don'tbelieve in it. I don't like Church, I don't Gee, no any of that stuff, butmost of the founders did this. So maybe I ought to do it or you can say scew itthat's for them. They got their program. I got Mie Rom, you can do it anywer.You want. You know you're an alcoholic you're entitle to do whatever the heckyou want do, but here's what I'm goinnt do the first thing: I'm Teo do it'sGoin to take about ten minutes, maybe not even that 'cause, I'm GONTA TR! I'mtry not to reafast I'm to try to read it slow I'. I picked tout a couple ofthings from the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous the big Bocklee. I got theclam book here, the Big Book and UH. I got the fourth edition here somewhere,but it's basically the same deal and from the twelve and Twelv and an if I'mGon to talk about the fifthstep. I got to talk a little bit about thesecond step in the first and the third step, and I got to talk a little bitabout the seventh step, maybe the elevent step and I gotto Talk Ao. Theyalso fit in they Bush in and H. Maybe you'll see something that you haven'tseen before about this fitstep stuff and why it's so important and why issom important for an alcohol to do the FISTEP? So let me read these now now: here'swhat I I'd ask you to do this like a little exercise. I don't you love tests.I love tests. You know, especially when they're not really that big deal andnothing depends upon him. So here's a little test for you, I'mlike where that can take grades, I'm going to read some things at one of thethings I I've decided. You know we have a spiritual, axin, N, J S. for instance, we have a spiritualaxhimina and the spirit Chell ax him as this, whenever I'm disturbed, no matter whatthe cost there's something wrong with me. So then you ask well what about? If I'mjustified to be pissed off and the big book says, that's no excuse! Whenever you'redisturbed I've never been disturbed. If I l believe me, I've never benedisturbed that anything or anybody. Unless I had a right to be disturbedabout OKA, the big book says the Axion is, which means without question:Whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what...

...the cause there's something wrong withme, some sort of idea that if I fix thedisturbance, that's wrong with me, then I will no longer be disturbed andI'll be a peace. Even if the persons a Jag off you know what I meanYouundrston. What I'm saying you know which helps a lot if you're married,you know r all that sort of stuff where you got a boss and things like that,because you don't have to change them, you don't try to have to manipulatethem. Youd'l have to manage them in your mind, you can just sort of changeyourself, so it doesn't bother you like it bothers other people. So I get thatso what I happen is now, of course, I'm an alcoholic in one of the consequences says onlesson until and Alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences,their consequences to be in an apple, his sobriety will be precurious and oftrue happiness. They'll find none at all. So apparently, one of the things Ihave to accept is not only is my althulsm is my m and all my itsconsequences, and I can tell you this: it may take twenty five years or thirtyyears to see clearly and accept all the consequences of being an alcoholic and,quite frankly and here's the scary part, I got what thirty nine years, I'm still,how do I know with Rinow all the consequences? I'm still working at it,you know, but I put together a few of them now I heare's what's happened. I'veaccepted that I've accepted the spiritual action, even though in in PonPlanet Russell you're, all in your we're all on ourown planet, Y'm in planet, Rul, Inplinea Russell. This is theSpiritualaxiumnan Russell. Whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what the causethere's something wrong with you with you. As a matter of fact, I'mgoing to tell everybody about you and what an idiot you are because there'ssomething if you would change, I would be OK. I wouldn't have burned down yourhouse. If you didn't call me a name, I wouldn't have done this as a matter offact, if it happened to you, you do the same thing. That's Russells, spiritualAtou. I mean. I know that mathematically, that the problem I havein this world is that you guys are screwed up and you don't understand meand you haven't voted me emperor of alcoholics anonymous. Yet, if onlyeverybody would do life the way I want to do life- and you know, follow mypersuasions mine, everybody would be happy, but we have this spiritualaxum, andthis is the deal I have to buy into whenever I'm disturbed no matter whatTho cause there's something roui. Now here's the deal I bought into that. Idon't know whether I' bought into it at ten years at fifteen, when I bought tbut I'l tell yo I pont into it. The consequences of buying into that ofhaving it from your head to your heart is that whenever you get disturbed, youmay get pissed off for about three or four seconds or ten seconds at theperson, and then the next thing you think is why am I led missgrt? Why is thisperson Boderin and work on that? You may have to write it down? You may nothave to write a time may have to talk. Somebody may not have tout Bot. You mayhave to pray about. Hi may not have to pray about it. Usually, it's not a bigdeal, and usually I sort of figure it out because there's not at seventy oneyears of age, there's not too much crap. That goes on in this world in front ofme that I haven't experienced two thousand times before you get it.There's not I' going to use tha dirty word now, you'll be ok if it disturbsyou check with Thi sponse and write them. There's not too many assholesthat I've run into in this world that I ha. You Know Tho assolar types that I'erun into in this world that I haven't already run into in the first seventyone years. You understand what I'm saying I pretty: U Much run to get and I'm acriminal Defensei turn I represent tat. I used the prosecute criminal, sothere's not too much craziness. You know that I haven't seen in this worldto get you upset. You know and go crazy that I haven't seen already so I've.I've sort F been on now, there's probably some stuff out there. Ihaven't seen yet that's come my way and I'll have to work it out, but ie boughtinto the spiritual accent. Okay, well I'll, tell you what else I've got into.I have bought in two twelve and twelve I' bought in to the big book, no matterhow I no longer say to the big brook you don't understand, I don't say Thothe twelve or Twelveh. You don't understand. My best thinking got meinto this thing, so I figure if it's in the book- It's probably true UN said so.That's where I'm coming from. So what I'm going to do now, you may not havefigured that out yet or maybe yo you're you're, like you're, like this, yoursil like by into some of the stuff in the big book in Twelve and twelve, butnot all the stuff, or maybe you sort of buy into it, but but but but you golike yeah, but you don't understand. liting like but you're a littleDIFFERENC. It's got to be modified for...

...you youngstemsay you Ma Maye you're,like one of these guy ago. Russell! That's your program! This is my program. You know maybethere's a million different program- I don't know, but the longer I'm so withthe more I'm sort of like the more the more I go down the narrow road thennarrow, there's a narrow road. The road gets narrower. You know it's, it's sortof like it's sort of like the twenty third sum, Your Rote Mi, your staff.They comfort me, you know, you know, shepherds Ta, Iman, a shepherd whichshe should be the dumbest animals in the world that the shepherd used tocarry a rod and e Sta up the Stam. From the hook I mean with a Huk and a rotdemhip the sheep over the head. That's what the shepherd did when the sheetran off. They set hit him over the head or they take the hook and they hopedtheir neck or something like that. That's what Guy Sa like books us he itsUS and that kind of thing to make sure the sheet foll in line and they don'twander off and come washsheet and there's ha whole thing about that. Butso I'm going to read you a couple of things from these uh from this deal and I'm going to readsomething from step: Five from step saven and from the big book, and all Iwatch is to do is it this is the deal thes to he assignment. If Youwan don'tget ma, because I say assigmon, you don't have to do it. If you don't wantto, I watch it a listen of what I read a and I watch it: A cat and te're fromall different parts of the book, all different steps, all different steps,thes SOM Ron, the seven steps tum from the fifth step, they're all differentsteps. I watch it to listen to when I say and see when you can catch the ifthere are any words or statements that are similar, although it's catchipthere's any similarity, even though they come from different steps wherethey're talking about something over and over again with them,repeating something over and over again. Okay. So let's stop shotwith step Flah,we hade to start with that pot. It doesn'tee matter what what it doesn't,even matter. What? U, how? I go which whene I read first orsecond 'cause we're going to just compare em Malland, then we're going totalk about that in the fifth step and what I think they're talking about by the way. You know that promise, where it saysfear of people and of Econopton security will leave us. You guys never hear about that promise.Fear of people how? How would what would your life be? Anybody here ever get upset with people. Isa Am I the only one. Okay Williy gotone got one person. Okay, anybody here ever have anxiety because of people you'rethinking about a particular person. In your mind, all the time and everythinglike that and it gives t, makes you anxious. I mean you ever have fear of people. You ever have fear Becanopkin scary,about losing something like a car or a house, or something like that. Yo EverYo ever do this. You ever have a worry about money and losing something. Youknow that's important like a car or a house or a job or something you everhave this Thu o mind. What will people think about me? You ever worry about what people thinkabout you. If something happens, maybe a vanitything. You know what I mean: You'L lose your hair. Whatever heck it is You'eever young that that's a that's crummy is isn't at CR. That's not like beingrock Youo befort dimension of existence is it I mean even if you're sober, if youhave all these people living renfree in your brain, that's Kinda, crappy! Isn'tit said, crabpy deal. What would your life be like if you didn't have fear? What would your life be like if you youyou rarely or if ever had the thought of where you worried about what peoplethought about? What would your like be like if youwent to a meetings, and you could talk when you wanted to talk and expresswhat you wanted to express and try to be as honest as possible and never walkaway, worried about what you said? What would that feel like what would it feel like to go to an Amemeeting and, and if somebody said this, anybody have something to say you wouldgo ahead and say it. If you had something to say, and you wouldn'thesitate, you wouldn't go through this teal in your mind, I don't want toraise my hand 'cause. I don't want Hem to think that I want to talk. What would your life be like if youlost all those little subtle fieling fears that you neven look at his fears,because it's the way you live your life, because you can't separate the tro fromthe false and your alcoholic life seems the only normal life. What if yourfears are so pervasive that they seem lormal to hom, it seems normal to youto worry about people and how you look. It seems normal to you to think wh twhat, if you think that what ive you Thinkin, what I'm saying is crazy. What are Youre thinking like this iscrazyship. That can never happen. Well, you know, I don't know how toexplain this Toyou, but in the big book about- and I thought that way too formany years for many years really for ten twenty years- An A. I thought itwould never happen to me. I thought, but you know yet, in the big book ofAucols, an Audisit says...

...we have been rocking in the FordDimension of existence, of which we had not even dreamed. We H've experiencedheaven, but a form of heaven that we didn't even know. We exprence t a newfreedom, fear of people and the Becodominan security af left, that'swhat it says in the buck. That's what people love to hear they love to readthe promises. So, if that's not true, then this book is a lie, and you know I accept everything inthis book. You know what, because that's that life is true for me and that life is true for m a lot ofpeople that I hang out with that. I know then's because of this deal. I justwant to know that there is concrete underneath those lily pats. This is thereal deal. This is serious stuff if it hasn't happened to you yet stick around.So I'm going to read your couple of things. Okay, here we go this from step.Five, I'm Gonto go from. I'm Gong ta go real fast down to day all of a asTwelveh okay. Well, obviously, you know, whatstuff live is admitted to God toourselves into another human being. The exact nature of our wrongs admitted to God to ourselves andanother human being the exact nature of our wrongs. All of AE twelve steps ask us to gocontrary to our natural desires, I'm going to repeat that all of as twelvesteps ask me about contrary to our natural desires. I Ado One more timeall ofage twelve steps. Ask Us Togo, contrary to our natural desires. Now, what's my natural desire, you, we went over the second step. Thesecond step says, came to believe that a power grade in ourselves couldrestore sosanity my natural state of being is that I'm insane I'll call somemen and women who who areself destructive? That's what commenators SA we're self on our bestdays with our best efforts, with our best thoughts in mind about how we'redo we hurt other people and we screw up ourselves. That's how that's how wewound up in here our best thinking God ess in here. That's why they havesomething called T, a second step. We think here's the deal we think we're.Okay, that's what the PITSTET SAS selfishness, self sedentiss, not thefit the chap to selfishness, self senteess! That's the root of ourproblems. THAT'S OUR PROBLEM! It's not the drinking! That's a symptom! Thereal promicentors! On our mind, not our body were insane which selfish W t.What does the insanithe look like? Okay, how's, this we're selfish wit selfcentred, were driven driven. You know, forget thesforget, the wellpower thingwe're driven to have a fight, we're driven to hate people, we're driven toget mad, we're riven to do SPUPID, we're ribven to have that thing. Comeout of our mouth. That's going to Murd a relationship. Were you knwwe're,driven to win to fight selfishness and selfcertain TRIB,driven by a hundred forms of fear self self? Seeking self pity we step on thetoes of unners tay retaliate, usually without provocation, but we know thatwe've made decisions in the past, not because we were drunk. I didn't hurtpeople that much when I was drunk except not showing up and things likethat which is uartful. I did a lot of crap when I was sober before I came dayand after I can day that's what I got the DENTESTEP. We made decisions basedupon self, which put us in a position to be heart, so owhholl canself willrun riot. We we just believe our thoughts are true, are true where selfwill run riot, but we usually don't think so right above everything, we must get ridof this Zalcls and we muchor kills us. God makes that possible. All of ASEsteps go contrary to our natural way of thinking. That's why it's so tough! Icame to when I was tire one years old. I thought the way I thought for thirtyone years and quite frankly, even after coming day, even though they weretrying to train me with the steps an I went, all the means. I continued tothink the way I thought and feel the way I felt for another ten fifteenyears and battle this deal, and you know half measures Velus, nothing you knowthere' now youknow thit is in the big book. There is no middle of the road solution. How do you like that and I'ma middle of the rod kind? O Guy, you know I'll, take aloate O this tio back.I don't want to get too forigns O God thing. That's like fanatical, you knowI mean I don't want to do this got here's what I want. I want to be Jesusand you hapfner like in the same Bot you unerstand whatI'm saying: here's what I want to do. I want to be on a yacht having sex withall the women, have all the money and also wll will have church there too.You know what I mean, we'll read the Bible. We'll do all that sort. Yeah seeI'm like the middle of the Ro kind of guy says there is no middle th roatsolution, God is or he isn't. You know...

I I mean that's just part of theinsanity. The Way I am part of me wants this thing. There's another thing thatwants the red head. You know what what can I tell you? I I can't it's adifficult. That's why it's so tough! That's why this thing is so tough, it'syou know what does it say, half measures of El as nothing you know b.Did you guy see in the big book at says, Half Measure Abile is noting aboy tosee that you don't really believe that. Do you unially Pas Nosur Thou, youbelieve, like Ibly, half measures of ellus, fifty percent, fifty percent, because you're all soberand you're all happy, and you know you don't do it perfectly. You say well,that's wrong. I Ta fesn the bellus nothing. So the big book is right andyou're wrong, wel the big. So then you got Y Tyou gotTa Tin to forget. Maybe what you think you have is everything, and maybe youdon't have everything? Maybe you have nothing? Maybe you don't have it yet?Maybe you haven't attaineded, yet maybe there's so much incredibly more thatyou're missing that compared to what you could be you've really got nothing.You only think you'V got so maybe you've gone to the banquet and you'vegotten yourself, a ham sandwich, and you left the Bankwin and you thinkyou're Doin G and you missed out on the lobster and the flame in Yn. I don'tknow so here we go all of Ese Tloves, U Theastial, contrary to our naturaldesires, they all deflate our egos when it comes to egol deflation. Few stepsare harder to take than five, but scarcely any step more necessary. Along time, soriety and peace of mind. Tand this one, a experiences taught us.We cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character deefects,which cause ragurate them living along. We can't live alone, can't be alone,can't be lonely, can't be alone, see that's a problem when it says youcan't live alone, and yet you're alone I mean we're all together now at ameeting it feel sprit GD, it's good gon, O e Geo good. When you go to meAnsfishin, not alone, but then you leave the meeting and you are aloneagain so intense though our fear andreluctance to do this- that many AAs first try to bypass step far most AES tryng to buypass step five. Solet me let me let me go onto the next one and then I'l give you a littleexperience that I had an so now. The next one is now I'm goingto go to step seven. Why step? Seven? Ok! Well, here we goit's about Eagle Pountry, it's about our EGOS EGA DEFLATION! That's why wedon't want to do it. Whatever EGO is so this is stepsettled, since this TAT te s so specicallyconcerns itself, humility, humility. We should paushere to consider whathumility is in what the practice of it can mean to Dus. Indeed, the attainment of greaterhumility, the attainment of greater humility is the foundation principle ofeach of a twove steps. Did you know that? Did you know that the attainmentof Umilli greater humility is the foundation principle of each of age?Twelve steps? Did you know that the faungationprinciple of every step you study is the attainment of making you humblemaking me humble? I mean I don't know when that's Streweenough. That's what it says. INTHEBOK says that for without some degree of humility, noAlcholl can stay sober at all, so you'V got guy's got some attainment, he says,but yet nearly all ags hive found too that unless they develop much more ofthis precious quality than may be required just for so driety they stillhavent much chance of becoming truly happy any guys mint to be happy. Maybe OJusn't want a rockininthe fourth tomention of existence. Well, it saysyou got to get more of this stuff. Without it they cannot live to muchyouthful purpose or in adversity, beable to summon the faith that canmeet any emergency. Next, when I breedes through these things page,seventy four right back in SEF seven, this improved perception of humilitystarts another revolutionary change in our outloo. Our eyes beget to open toimmense values which have come straight out of painful ego. puncchring rememberwhen we went back in the fith step, they want to avoid of Thi step becauseof their ego, because it's eagle puncturing to sit in front of peopleand talk about your problems and how screwed up you remember that deal untilnow. Our lives have been largely voted to to running from pain and problems.Avoiding praine prompts Ere's the anyway we fled from Bewegg. We fledfrom them as from the flay playwe. Never wanted to deal with. The fact ofsuffering escaped by the bottle was always our solution. Ta The buildingthrough suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn'tappeal to us and andthe. Last couple of things of inReag is from the big BOKYO FIN...

...rally. I'Vee seen a person fellow, Ithirley fought our hat and says those who do not recome PeoplCenon will not completely give themselves in a simple program. Thereare such unfortunates heres who they are areswe. They E ere's theunfortunates. They are not at fault. They seem to be borne that way. Theyexist. They do inzest, they are naturally incapable of grasping anddeveloping a manner of living, which teman's rigorous honesty, which the man's rigorous honesty andthen it says in tongmestets an some of these we bought like the thistap. We thought we couldfind an easier soft way, but we could not. Some of US have tried to hold on to ourold ideas and the result was known to Welet e. absolutely then we got into actiop here we havebeen trying to g t and then talk about step fie. We have been trying to get anew attitude, the new relationship with our wehave. We have been trying to geta new attitude, a new relationship with our creator and to discover the obstacles in ourpast. Remember what it says. It says. The great fact is this, and nothingless than our creator has become the centralfact of our life. The whole point in the FISSTEP is:We've been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship, Withour Creatorwith a Capital Seng Han to discovered the obstcles in our pass, and the bestreason is first for this. If we skip this vinal step, we may not overcomedrinking time after time newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certainfacts about their lives. Trying to avoid this humbling. There we go againhumbling experience, they've turned to easier methods. They have not learned enough ofhumility, fearlessness and honesty. In the sense we find it necessary untilthey told someone else all their life storing. So I'm I'm Gonta sort of quitright there. There was one other thing that I thought was important and Ican't find it so I'm not going to do it. That's just the way it is run a newbasis. The base based up, trusting and Relyang upon God. We never apologize for that and that's the deal so here's the deal,I'm I'm on rel a I was on relay for eight years in Miami Day County. So ifyou CWOUL at least be on relages, if you called Miami Day, tounty any Friday night between the hours ofeleven o'clock at night till eight o'clock in the morning, youknow three o'clock t e morning. You call up AA for eight years. I answered the phone and it's an incredible experience. Youdon't learn how to appreciate how crazy outpalts are until you get involved inthat feal. It's a Goo. It's a good experience for working with others. Iwant to tell you and up so one night. I got a call atexactly eleven o'clock, a true story from a gentleman who told me that he had been sober fora couple of months and he was really in big trouble and he wanted to drink wuld.They he was going Aa and he wanted to drink. So I talked im a little bit about youknow what was going on with his life and how you know h screw he aut a lotof problems, an whatever the heck ontu was talking about. I certainly can'tremember this is thirty years ago, thirty, thirty five years ago and andUm. So here's what I would do I knew thatthere were certain a a rooms that were ope and he was listening to me thatwere open so because they had just completed a meaning. So I wanted to gethim to an AA room, and so I said to him: Where are you 'cause? There are a roomssopen. Where are you he says on in Carl Gables Florida? I said: That's great,that's great! There's an AA room in call gables is Mafrica. I was a memberof this group called the Caral Room, the corral, its still existence. Hesays you can go there. I came tic ust, I said you can go there and they justfinished there, like whatever ten thirty neetn O, whatever there's ninethirty meeting, and there are people there at the car room that you can talkto, and he said to me this IAM already at the car room, I'mtalking to you from a payphone what he had done D, I said, or therepeople there, he says yeah. We just...

...finish the me and there's a lot ofpeople. What he had done is. He was at anaameeting in the Carl Gables Group of alcoholics anonymous and he was dying inside and he washurting and there were maybe fifty sixty peoplearound the manee and he went to the payphone in the call room and he calledup alcoholics ynonymous to tell me that he was dying inside and he felt likedrinking now. You may think that's sort of amusing. I'm sure you don't think it's amusing,an amusing sense, but you may think that's sort of kind of crazy, but iltell you something I didn't find at I'll. Tell you what I found iun. Iunderstood it completely. It made perfect sense to me this man was suffering from a disease.I understood the consequence of being an alcoholic, he was sober and he wassuffering from a disease and even though he was sor, he was in an ameeting and there were sixty people around him. Okay and he was dyinginside. He was so there was such a blocket. She was so scared to go up tosomebody and say: Can you help me that he had to go to a PAI phone in the CarRoom to call up alcohols ynonymous to talk to me over the phone? That's theonly way he could do it. I understd. I understand. I understand how I understand what itis to have an alcohol ego and Il Tell You. So when I talk about Alcohol Ego,I'm not talking about a good thing as Ma O. don't even think it's in ego. Ithink it's another word. I think it's a lack of ego. I think it since IlcallHowcoo men, women laugh out to destroymen sides. I personally believethat porign parcal disease of alcoholism is that alcoholics dednsithink their assholes think their piece of ship. I have no the way ofexplaining why Alcoholi say that they self talk you the self calk they do tothemselves. I know the Self Talk I do to myself and I know I know one thing Iused to think I'm different. They won't understand on unique if there's onething I've learned after forty years of being in this deal is that if I've doneit you've done. If I've said it, you said theywere all twins, that's why itworks. That's why people come up to me after a meeting or after speed speechor some and sa you're talking about me your tongue, they don't say that,because we're different, they taught say that, because we're common wee, wehave something in common. If I'm in the shower, I tell myself at five years,sober I'm a loser, and I want to kill myself. I know, there's been timesyou've been in the car and you've been telling you what to lose youare. I knowwhat it is to feel like you're, basically a basi ship. I know what itis to worry about. If people really find out, what's really going on withyou, I know what it is to need to FY things and get thimes that you can'tafford. You know by charging things up y credit cards to get surround yourstuff, an all sorts of stuff 'cause. You need them to puff yourself up andmake yourself look good. I know what it is to be grandeals. I I I understandthat alcohols, don't feel good about themselves, they feel crappy aboutthemselves and they feel terr about themselves and the one thing that analcohol never wantsyou to know its hot. What a piece of ship they are. Iunderstand the whole life of an alcohol is worried about what other peoplethink about them, which is the only reason why they keep on tellingthemselves that they don't really care what other people think aboutthemselves. I understand that I'm a rationalizer I tell myself rationalwizeinstead of the truth, I tell myself the opposite of the truth and I grab ontoit and I latch onto it. I understand that I am. I understand that I'm insane, I understand when they say the God willrestores socinity. I understand what the INSADY looks. Like I mean the firsttep I getting out of jail is Thoughn you're in jail in the first place. Iknow what the Alcoholic jail looks like. I just never understood what the mindjail. Look like you know. I I' Omly C I'm palse over drinking. That's theeasy stuff: How about thinking? How about powerless over your thought, life?How about worry and anxiety and all that sort of stuff you know beforelisten. I was an alcoholc before I started drinking. I was in alcoholduring the Drankin I was in Apphol after the drinking okay, my fear, if Ihave fear and I anxiety and jealousy and worry and hatred now it's nodifferent than the worry and Anziin the hatred I had before I was drinking aDorin. I was drink. I understand the prom censors of my mind, not my body. Iget, and I understand part of that- and I understand it's a disease that's outto Kille and I understand when they sai big wook, that all these things gocontrary to my natural desires. I understand the disease itself will killme and put me in a Har position so that I can never get well. I can never getout of jail. I can never see. I understand it. I understand the aprecise thing I need, and that is to humble myself and open up and do thething I I understand the thing I need to do, which is to tasp somebody on theshoulder and say: Will You WITHELP ME? I need help. I understand that that theonly thing that will solve that problem...

...is that I talk to somebody and tell hemhow screwed up I am. I know that I won't do that I'll either not talk tosomebody or not go to beings or not talkig, my sponsor or not even get asponsor or I will go to a payphone in the call room, and I will call somebodyI don't even know anonypously and SI. I feel like Tak an drink. I haveiunderstand. What's going on there, I understand that that's the wheal, thereal alcoholist, not the drinking the drink, you know Ou know the drinking isthe drinking is what I use to sort of take care of the real alcoholism. Idrank us, no woman, no car, no, that money were quite as fast and quite aswell as just a few drinks and the reason and the BOT ine. Is it it deadfor me to Di what did for me when I was eighteen years old I'd still bedrinking it, but alcohol don't work me no more! So I don't drink it, and youknow the SA sad part about that. Is that Stop Worg for me about tenyearsbefore I realize it's not worth me, so I don't drink anymore, but I'll. Tellyou what I still have the power to think crazyship. As a matter of fact,as a matter of fact, I'm an alcoholic, my my natural desire, my naturalthinking, is to think crazy ship. Think R. I got to do a Loto, stop a lot ofstuff listening a lot of stuff in order o I'd order to notly be physicallysober, but to feel good about myself andhere's the real crazy sthuff, the stuff that the book asked me to do. I don't care whether it's making coffeehelping the newcomer doing the fish step doing to twelve step. Duing theeleven step, believing in God, you know turning my life into a life Thi, theStop that the big book tells me. I gotto do jest oget this. I don't wantto do it. I ain't going to do it. I ain't going to do it, I'm just notgoing to do it, I'm not going to do it thoroughly, I'm not going to do it atall. You want to Kdo some, because you know what I figured out. I forgur outwhat nineyou descended people in Nay. If figured out, I figure D, Hout t youfigure out. I know you forgure this at. Have you fogred out that you don't haveto do any of the ship to stay SOE? You know that dont you' left, I ti Shor. Don't you know that you can stay soberfor years going day without doing these steps? Not doing you can say so for you,you can get a sponsor name only and not really use hem. You can get a spote whosigns up on your bullshit who's, not hard on you. The first time a spotcortells you Shild, you don't want us, you don't want to hear just fire Getasponsor tell yourself that you know they don't understand it. First TimeYou got a Sponso tot tells you somethat that Yo, you think, he's being rude andyou think he's not showing you love and your think he's not sent just ertat Couget someany that that loves you and embraces you and doesn't make you feelbad. It doesn't eart the feelings you know I mean I. I understand that it'sperfectly possible what I'm a bar drinker. I love to go to bars. I wentto bars because I could hang around alcoholics. I love alcoholics. I love nine onloe em 'cause they'reperfect. I love 'em cause they're, crazy, they're, crazy. Like me, theythink like me, they talk like me, I'm addicted to alcolic. I was addicted toHem and I hung around Hem when I was drinking shit, I'm addicted to Hem andI hang around them and I'm not drinking. You know what I mean. I just look, so Iknow that I can go. I don't go to bars Youngta, but I know I can go to an ameeting and not drink scotch and I can drink coffee or cocacoma and talkbullshit and act like I'm doing the program and sort of do it halfway ast.I cul save sober for five ten fifteen twenty years. Twenty five years. Thirtyyears I can make blieve I can do something like Aa Lie. You know what Imean: Laughan people and Mok people that are talking about God. You know Isay just with the plug in the job. I can talk about it, the first step asthe only Biso I pay as like a speitual kindergarten. I can stay inkindergarten. You can stay in kindergarten for fifteen years. Letl Mitell you something, unfortunately, and some people do it until the day theydie and they live lives of quite desperation. They ne they neer getwroughten in the fourth to mentioned resistance, but that's okay, ecausethey settle that's what the six stump es all about the six step says. This isthe step that separates the men out from the boys. So there must be aseparation. wher the book is lying or the book is lying. I mean dobully. Thisis in my opinion. This is the Book Tis O program at says. This is the stepthat se rason an what Ti. Stets eresmoke boy are the men that get theirentire life or the wo give their entire life to focus on God to get everydefector par you'll never get perfect, but you shoot for prorfection. You talkabout you're on a new base, the Basi, the trusting and remine upon God. Youknow just like insens of the book. Your real elince must be on God. Hebelieveen shown you how to create the fellowship. You crave, you know, Seedawith your relationship with himages right, an great evest will come to Atou.The people that buy into that ship by into that shit are serious, are notscared to talk about it and the people...

...that chitizes people in Aa for talkingabout that stuff, because they shouldn't talk about that, annowofanonocus there's people that live the bill thatare life upon the God thing and and to humble themselves, 'cause. It requiresyou to humble yourself to humble yourself to buy intosomething that you don't want. How about this to do something you Knon' m,how about this one to do something you don't want to do. How do you turn yourwill and your life over to God when you've made a decision that you're notgoing to do that? Your own, the seven step t atd, saysyou coun even say you believe, O God you'd say that Quultion, I believe inGod and yet have a life. That has nothing to do, but you could say youbelieve in God and live a godless life yeah, I'm spiritual, but not religious.I understand what that means. Religious people are stobid. Religious people aredumb. I hate religion, I hate organizing legit Emai an says. We loseall prectures to got religions, I'm just a spiritual person. Well, you gotdifferent Ditese than I have because I'll take about my disease. I am farfrom spiritual. I live alive. I'll. Tell You I've none! A four seven o FISte. I've looked at my life. I've looked in who I am letme Jaysome. I am notspiritual, I am not. I am a material person and if I don't do a lot of stuffand give my life to God, let me tell you something: I'm right back tokeeping the money and just running over you rage. You know to get what I want.I know exactly who I am I'm not I'm spiritual. You Kil me, I'm an alcoholic, I'm an alcoholic anything decent yousee in me today has nothing to do with me. Don't Gev me credit. The only thingI have credit for is because I start following this book and Dolin andtrying to work it thoroughly and giving my life over to God and doing the thirdstep. I the eleven step into six step in the seven step, the one thatseparates on men from the boys. I know what this deal is all about and I'm notscared to talk aout. I guess that's one of one of the h. The truth of the matter is, Iunderstand why Peop le who even believe this storare scared to talk mainee, Iunderstand wmy age become the way it is. I'm up pretiant down. I'm sort of gladthere's people Wen they there, you non think hat a scan for Apiism or e I'm.So it's fine with me. I don't care, you know I mean T. I have no problem withthat. I'm not trying to share, but I understand that there are people thatmay feel that what I'm saying is correct but they're scared. Can youimagine how muct you think about this in Aa today, people ire in the big book? All they dois talk about God. They use the word, God Tho use higher power, Lidet Wen.They use Greater and God bill. Wilson said the Lords have been so wonderfulme. Two minsto Sese do talk. AU. Do you know in a a today there are people inAa and you maybe one of Hem that are scared to talk about God and a meanings.Have you been scared to talk about God, an any meanings? Have you been scaredto talk about God in an Ain than it's on the board? Cause you're scare likeone of these guys, but fifteen years, one of these quote pseudo old timeswill come up to you and beat you up. You ever hear people mock people thattalk about God. A religion is here a lot of God: bashing, don't Yo!I here you think that's althollisynonymous, O fout an ones welose all prejdice, even against organized religion. We begin to sumewhere religious weep ae right W. We we hang on to it. We have a six step wherewe have an open mind. You know I. I know Wat II've read the book you're in a fellowship now, where twhere the material the book tells you to do, one thing and the Fellowship Aftives tells you don't do that? Don't go there, I'm not putting down I'm just tellingthe truth. You know, and if hey I hope it doesn't upset you. But if it does,you know whenever you ndettind nomatter what thecause there's something wrong with you. You know how that works. You'll figureit out, but in even that's what the whole thing is about. The whole thingis about the fifth step. is about if it's about anything it's about what itsays in the twelve and twelve, it's like further humility, it's just onemore thing of breaking you down. I put I put a quote in chat. Some youdidn't see it most of you did it's quote from songs, it's a quote fromsobs it's in chat and it's you know. It's part O They N, and this one- andit says it says its from Sam fifty one, Seventeen Boll testants, as mysacrifice of God, is a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart. You, Godwill not despise that I mean that's what gone wants. God wants you on yourknees, asking for help. Do you watch you pray into hem? That's when thisthing is all all these men Bob Smit Bild Wilson. They were men, O prayer,they went to church, they humbled themselves before God they wrote a book.They said God's, the sential fact of our lives. They were into this stuff.They were rocking in the fourth imension of existence. They were doingthis deal. Read the book. Read the stories see what they were talkingabout. You know read Doctor Bob, Hey read doctor Bob in the good old timersay do that. I should do that. This is all about humbling yourself. Yes, youknow, I said once to rail keeth its one...

...of my mentors I said. Well, I don'tlike I don't like that. He said to I don't like that. He said who gives ashit what you like tri. What does that have to do with? I? I know what youlike. You know this has nothing to do with what you want to do. There'snothing to do with what you like what you want. You start telling me what youlike. I know what Thay you have not turned your will and life over to careof God. YOU HAVE NOT OT thirdstep, you've done just bullshit, that's allyou're doing you know, and so I got to stop now, because if Idon't stop now I'm go say: Someong, that's going to get me kicked out ofalcoholics, ynonymous ECAUS. I know I've already probably broken a fewrules and traditions, so God bless you. Thank you very much at ID FORME.

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