AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 34 · 2 years ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 5 - Further Humility

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

Or anything like that. My name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic and I am a member of the Celtic Sia Group and it's good to be here and I heard that movie was talking about the letter. You know, I'll start off with the letter because it's you know, one of the things I like about our stories is they're all well, I believe they're all truthful. You know, they're salt tay a little. I got a letter. I don't know whether it's anybody in this group and I hope it is, but if it's not, I understand it's take maybe it'll get to this person. And I got it by snail mail. I get very few things by snail mail these days. Everything's by email. And I got this letter sitting on my desk. It's envelope, no return address. So I opened it up and it's this letter. It's on the it's written on the front of the back and in script and in the very nice letter, you know, tell me how much I've helped them and how much they enjoy me and all this sort of stuff. And then they advised that they're very sad that they understood that I had to leave alcoholics anonymous said to hear that I was leaving alcoholics anonymous. So whoever that person is, I want to let them know that I have a reprieve and not being kicked out. I'm just merely on probation, supervised release, you know, and I have a probation officer from the Home Office. They're probably one of you guys. There's so I'm going to try to be a good boy and I I'm going to talk a little bit about step five. Well, you know how that is. I think I'm probably am I'm going to try to connect a few dots and tell you about my own experience, and so you know, I should say you know what happens with me is as you as you as you stay around the while, you know, you start connecting the dots, you start seeing some stuff, and so the bottom line is I am going to talk a little bit about about what I've found and what I've seen. And so in order for me to talk to you about I'm not going to tell you how to do step five and you need to talk to your sponsor. I'm not necessarily about stuff five. I did my I did it with the psychiatrist actually, and that's a whole story that I may or may not get into. Apparently it's so if I stumping around, I'm in my forty year. So apparently it worked. I did the worst fourth step in the world. Apparently it worked. So I think, don't worry about perfection. Just go ahead and do it. But because you're going to be doing because what these steps are going to do is set you up for doing it for the rest of your life. You'll just be repeating them and really, you know, wax on, wax off, looks on wax off. You'll just be doing it for the rest of your life and then one day you wake up and you're not even doing this. You know, when you first start doing the steps, you say there they're so different, they're so different. Way. Oh, Oh, I think I just did a step three. Some guy in a asked you for directions. How do I get to an a room, and you say I'll go down the block and go thin, so on the right. Oh, I think I just did a step twelve. Oh, I think that was a step ten. You know, and they're so distinct and so different than you do them over and over and over again. You know, and this this sort of is this step behavior, which was sort of. You know exercise is. You get so used to this step ten and the make of the amends and finally restraining tongue in pain and doing the four step and inventory yourself and doing all the stuff. You do it over over over and over again, and one day you wake up and guess what, you're just not doing the steps anymore. You're not now here. You're happy, your joyous. You've been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. You for the most part, maybe not perfectly lost for your people and Economic Insecurity. You're living a life of joy. You know that kind of deal you seem to have. You know you have no desire to drink it. Doing Great. You Got Twenty five years, but you're not doing the steps and you you're not even turning you're not even doing the third step. You're not you're not turning things over, you know. And and then you realize that you're living a turned over life and you realize you're not doing the steps. You're living the steps. You've been doing these bloody thing. I remember telling my sponsor. I said I think you're brainwashing me. Said, well, maybe your brain needs washing, and all of a sudden you've been doing the steps so many times and you're sponsoring people and you're doing service and going to meetings that they finally completed the brainwashing and you are you are the big but you're just doing the deal. And of course that comes from doing this over and over again and getting repeated humiliation stuff out of crushing of her self sufficiency and being fine tuned and all that sort of stuff. So I'm going to talk a little. I'm not going to talk about how to do the fifth step. In the book it gives you guidance, it says perhaps your doctor, psychologist or a close mouth friend and Blah Blah Blah, tells you all how to do it. You're got to read it and that kind of thing. I want to talk to you about the print, some of the principles and some of the nuances of the step and what's really behind it. I want to talk about motivations and why you might want to do it and how it fits in, because a lot of alcoholics, when they first come in, what they're really thinking in their mind, even if they don't voices, is why do I have to do this? Why should I? Why do I have to go to me? So why do I have to get a sponsor.

Why do I have to do this? I mean, after they get past the initial why am I an alcoholic? Crap, they start going into the world. Why do I have to do this, though? Why do I? You know, in the first step that has great. I love the thing about why all this insistence on hitting bottom, because nobody's going to do this crap. And let's say through the life is the bad and that's good enough, good enough for me. Nobody's going to do it, unless you think your life depends upon me. You know. Never Abin not bought of his desperation. So I'm going to give a couple of hints. has to why, to connect a few doughts, and here's the deal. I'm just going to talk about my life. The fifth sort of like some things about the fifth step. I'm read some things out of the big book, read a couple things out of twelve and twelve and I want you to think about them. And here's the deal. I'm I'm going to make some statement, somebody give some opinions. I'm an opinionated alcoholic, but you are going to have to figure this thing out. I'm going to listen to me. I don't want to infringe on your right to get this thing wrong. I don't want to infringe on your right to, you know, in your mind, say I think this guy's full of Shit. I don't want an infringe on your right to to disregard what I'm saying and have a second opinion. I don't want to infringe on your right to say to me, Russell, you don't understand, I'm different. I don't want to infringe on that. I want you to go through the deal. I don't want you to just necessarily take what I'm telling you and and say, well, I guess he's right, or something like that. I want you to come to your own conclusions about this thing because, quite frankly, I think sometimes the the best the best situation to have is when you come to your own conclusion, come to your own conclusion about your alcoholism, about your powerlessness, about you need to have God in your life. Come to your own conclusion, said somebody shoving it down your throat. So I'm going to I'm just going to read a couple things from the big book. Now. One of the things that that I have decided in my own life, and not only big book, but you know, I'm likable. I many years later, when I got got to around nine to ten years sobriety and I needed more and I needed a closer contact and I was thirsty. And I was hungry, I started going to Bible study, which is it's not conference, disapproved, by the way. It's not. conference. has proved if you readout the boldom good old timers, that's all they were doing. They were just reading the Bible, First Corinthians, Thirteen, book of James and Sermon on the Mount. So it's not just but I started doing that because the big book encourages church membership. It says it says this way, it says you don't have to do it, but most of us, the founders, this is the way they put it. They say you don't, you don't have to do it. You know it's just a suggection, but most of us do it. So then you run headlong into that. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. And you got to you got to say to you something. You can do this. And you could say, well, I don't believe in it, I don't like church, I don't believe any of that stuff. But most of the founders did this, so maybe ill to do it, or you can say screw it. That's for them. They got their program I got my problem. You can do it anyway you want. You know, you're an alcoholic. You're entitle to do whatever the heck you want to do. But here's what I'm going to do. The first thing I'm going to do is going to take about ten minutes, maybe not even that, because I'm going to try. I'm going to try not to read fast, I'm going to try to read it slow. I'm going to I picked out a couple of things from the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous, the big Bookley. I got the clown book here the Big Book, and I got the fourth edition here somewhere, but it's basically the same deal. And from the twelve and twelve and and if I'm going to talk about the fifth step, I got to talk a little bit about the second step in the first step and the third step and I got to talk a little bit about the seventh step, maybe the eleventh step, and I got to talk about all this. They also fit in the motion. And you know, maybe you'll see something that you haven't seen before about this fifth step stuff and why it's so important and why it's so important for an alcohol to do the fifth step it. So let me read these. That now here's what I'd ask you to do. These like a little exercise it. Don't you love test? I love test, you know, especially when they're not really that big a deal and nothing depends upon them. So here's a little test for you. I'm not we're not going to take grades. I'm going to read some things out of one of the things I've decided. You know, we have a spiritual axiom, and this, for instance. We have a spiritual axiom in a and the spiritual axiom is this, whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me. So then you ask, well, what about if I'm justified to be pissed off? And the big book says that's no excuse. Whenever you're disturbed. I've never been disturbed, if I what believe me, I've never been disturbed that anything or anybody, unless I had a right to be disturbed about them. Okay, the big book says the Axiom is which means without question, whenever I'm...

...disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me some sort of idea that if I fix the disturbance that's wrong with me, then I will no longer be disturbed and I'll be at peace, even if the person's Jag off. You know what I mean. You understand what I'm saying. You know, which helps a lot. If you're married, you know we're all that sort of stuff, or you got a boss and things like that, because you don't have to change them. You don't try to have to manipulate them there, you don't have to manage them in your mind. You can just sort of change yourself so it doesn't bother you like it bothers other people. So I get that. So what happened is is now, of course, I'm an alcoholic, and one of the consequences of it says unless and until and Alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences. There are consequences to being an alcohol his sobriety will be precarious and of true happiness, they'll find none at all. So apparently one of the things I have to accept is not only is my alcoholsm is my my and all my its consequences, and I can tell you this. It may take twenty five years or thirty years to see clearly and accept all the consequences of being an alcoholic. And, quite frankly, and here's the scary part, I got what thirty nine years I'm still how do I know whether I know all the consequences? I'm still working at it, you know, but I've put together a few of them now. I here's what's happened. I've accepted that. I've accepted the spiritually acts him, even though in in on Planet Russell, you're all in your own we're all on our own planet. Yah'm in planet runtals and Planet Russell. This is the spiritual axiom. And Plant Russell. Whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you, with you. As a matter of fact, I'm going to tell everybody about you and what an idiot you are, because there's something. If you would change, I would be okay. I wouldn't have burned down your house if you didn't call me a name. I wouldn't have done this. As a matter of fact, if it happened to you, you do the same thing. That's Russell Spiritual Axiom. I mean I know that mathematically. That the problem I have with this world is that you guys are screwed up and you don't understand me and you haven't voted me emperor of alcoholics anonymous yet. If only everybody would do life the way I want to do life and you know, follow my persuasions minds, everybody would be happy. But we have the spiritual axiom and this is the deal I have to buy into. Whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong. I now here's the deal. I bought into that. I don't know whether I bought into it at ten years at fifteen, when I bought it, but I'll say I bought into it. The consequences of buying into that, of having it in you from your head to your heart, is that whenever you get disturbed, you may get pissed off for about three or four seconds or ten seconds at the person, and then the next thing you think is why am I letting his curt? Why is this person bothering and you work on that. You may have to write it down, you may not have to write a tame may have to talk to somebody, may not have talked about you. May Have to pray about it, may have not have to pray about it. Usually it's not a big deal and usually I sort of figure it out because there's not, at seventy one years of age, there's not too much crap that goes on in this world in front of me that I haven't experienced two thousand times before. You get it. There's not too I'm going to use the dirty word now. You'll be okay. If it disturbs you, check with your sponsor and write it down. There's not too many assholes that I've run into in this world that I have you know, though, as cellular types, that I've run into in this world that I haven't already run into in the first seventy one years. You understand what I'm saying. Yeah, I pretty run much run the gap and I'm a criminal defense attorney. I represent that. I used to prosecute criminals. So there's not too much craziness you know that I haven't seen in this world to get you upset, you know and go crazy that I haven't seen already. So I've I've sort of been done. Now there's probably some stuff out there I haven't seen yet that's coming to my way and I'll have to work it out, but I bought into the spiritual axiom. Okay, well, I'll tell you what else I bought into. I have bought into the twelve and twelve. I bought into the big book. No matter how I no longer say to the big book you don't understand. I don't say that the twelve and twelve. You don't understand. My best thinking got me into this thing. So I figure if it's in the book, it's probably true. You understand. So that's where I'm coming from. So what I'm going to do now? You may not have figured that out yet, or maybe you you're you're like, you're like this. You sort of like buy into some of the stuff in the big book in Twelve and twelve, but not all the stuff. Or maybe you sort of buy into it, but, but, but, but, you go like yeah, but you don't understand. Let me explain. But you're a...

...little different. So it's got to be modified for you. You understand. Say, maybe you're like one of these guys. They Will Russell, that's your program this is my program you know, maybe there's a million different program I don't know. But the longer I'm so with the more I'm sort of like the more the more I go down the narrow road, the narrow there's a narrow road, the road gets narrower. You know, it's sort of like, it's sort of like the twenty three stars. Your Rod and M Your staff, they conquered me. You know. You know shepherds. That's either's no about a shepherd, which sheep for the dumbest animals in the world. The shepherd used to carry a rod and the staff, a staff of the hook, you know. I mean with a hook and a Roddam hit the sheep over the head. That's where the shepherd did when the sheet went off. They said, to hit him over the head. Or they take the hook and they hook their neck or something like that. That's what guys are like. Hooks us, it's us and that kind of thing, to make sure the sheet go online and they don't wander off and come lost sheep, and there's a old thing about that. But so I'm going to read you a couple of things from these, from this deal, and I'm going to read somethings from step five, from steps seven and from the big book. And all I want you to do is this. This is the deal. This is the assignments. If you want to. You know, don't get mad at me because I say assignment. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. I want you to listen to what I read and I want you to cat and they're from all different parts of the book, all different steps, all different steps. There's me stuff from the seventh steps. Don't for the fifth step. They are all different steps. I want you to listen to what I say and see when you can catch the if there are any words or statements that are similar, although it's catch if there's any similarity, even though they come from different steps. That were they're talking about something over and over again, with the repeating something over and over again. Okay, so let's stop start with step five. We're going to start with step five. It doesn't even matter what what it doesn't even matter what how I go, which one I read first or second, because we're going to just compare them all and then we're going to talk about that in the fifth step and what I think they're talking about. By the way, you know that promise where it says fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us? You guys, ever hear about that promise? Fear people how would? How would? What would your life be? Anybody here ever you get upset with people? Is anym I the only one. Okay, lily got upset. One got one person. Okay. Anybody here ever have anxiety because of people? You thinking about a particular person in your mind all the time and everything like that, and it gives you you that makes you anxious. I mean, you ever have fear of people you know? You ever have fear of economic insecurity, about losing something like a car or House or something like that get you? Ever you ever do this? You ever have a worry about money and losing something you know that's important, like a car, house or job or something? You ever have this thought in your mind, what will people think about me? You ever worry about what people think about you if something happens, maybe a vanity thing, you know what I mean. You lose your hair, whatever heck it is. You ever you have that. That's a that's crummy, is isn't that crumb? That's not like being rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, is it? I mean, even if you're sober, if you have all these people living rent free in your brain, that's kind of crappy. Isn't it? It's a crappy deal. What would your life be like if you didn't have fear? What would your life be like if you, you know, you rarely, or if ever, had the thought of where you worried about what people thought about you? What would your life be like if you want to a meetings and you could talk when you wanted to talk and express what you wanted to express and try to be as honest as possible and never walk away worried about what you said? What would that feel like? What would it feel like to go to an a meeting and and if somebody said, does anybody have something to say, you would go ahead and say it if you had something to say and you wouldn't hesitate, you wouldn't go through this deal in your mind. I don't want to raise my hand because I don't want him to think that I want to talk. What would your life be like if you lost all those little, subtle feeling fears that you need to look at his fears because it's the way you live your life, because you can't separate the two from the false and your alcoholic life seems the only normal life. What if your fears are so pervasive that they seem normal to you. It seems normal to you to worry about people and how you look. It seems normal to you to think that. What if you think that? What have you think? And what I'm saying is crazy. What are you thinking like? This is crazy shit, that can never happen. Well, you know, I don't know how to explain this to you, but in the big book about and I thought that way too for many years, for many years really, for ten twenty years, an a, I thought it would never happen to me. I thought of but you know, yet in the big book of...

...alcoholics, anonymous, it says we have been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. We've experienced heaven, a form of Heaven that we didn't even know. We experience a new freedom, fear of people and of economical insecurity, of left. That's what it says in the book. That's what people love to hear. They love to read the promises. So if that's not true, then this book is a lie. And you know, I accept everything in this book. You know what? Because that's that life is true for me and that life is true for a lot of people that I hang out with that I know it's because of this deal. I just want you to know that there is concrete underneath those lily pads. This is the real deal. This is serious stuff. If it hasn't happened to you yet, stick around. So I'm going to read you a couple things. Okay, here we go. This from step five. I'm going to go from I'm going to go real fast down the thing. All of a age twelve. Okay, well, obviously you know what stuff five is admitted to God, to ourselves in to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs, admitted to God, to ourselves and another human being. The exact nature of our wrongs. All of age twelve steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires. I'm going to repeat that. All of age twelve steps ask me to go contrary to our natural desires. I'm going to do it one more time. All of age twelve steps asked us to go contrary to our natural desires. Now what's my natural desire? You? We went over the second step. The second step says came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. My natural state of being is that I'm insane. I'll call some men and women who have who are self destructive. That's what commentager said. We're self on our best days, with our best efforts, with our best thoughts in mind about how where do we heard of the people, and we screw up ourselves. That's how we that's how we wound up in here. Our best thinking got us in here. That's why they have something called the second step. We think here's the deal. We think we're okay. That's what the fifth step says. Selfishness, self centeredness, not the fifth step, the fifth chapter. Selfishness, self centeredness. That's the root of our problems. That's our problem. It's not the drinking. That's a symptom. The real problem centers on our mind, not our body. We're insane. We're selfish. With what does the insanity look like? Okay, how's this? We're selfish, we're self centered. We're driven, driven, you know, forget the sat forget the will power thing. We're driven to have a fight. We're driven to hate people, we're driven to get mad, we're driven to do stupid that we're we're driven to have that thing come out of our mouth that's going to arn a relationship. We're you know, we're driven to win the fight selfishness and self centered and drift, driven by a hundred forms of fear, selves, self seeking, selfpity. We step on the toes of runners. They retaliate, usually without provocation. But we know that we've made decisions in the past not because we were drunk. Yeah, I didn't hurt people that much when I was droppets of not showing up and things like that, which is hurtful. I did a lot of crap when I was sober, before I came to day and after I came day. That's what I got. The tent step. We made decisions based upon self would put us in a position to be heard. So now alcohol can self will run riot. We just believe our thoughts are true. Are True where self will run riot, but we usually don't think so right. Above everything, we must get rid of this alcoholism. We much or kills us. God makes that possible. All of a steps go contrary to our natural way of thinking. That's why it's so tough. I came today when I was thirty one years old. I thought the way I thought for thirty one years and quite frankly, even after coming day, even though they were trying to train me with the steps and I went all the means, I continued to think the way I thought and feel the way I felt for another ten, fifteen years and battle this deal. And you know, half measures, valis nothing. You know, there's you know, you know what it says the big book. There is no middle of the road solution. How do you like that? And I'm a middle of the road kind of guy. You know, I'll take a little of this and take a little bit. I don't want to get too far into the God thing. That's like fanatical, you know I mean, I don't want to do this God. Here's what I want. I want to be Jesus and you have Nur like in the same body. You understand what I'm saying. Here's what I want to do. I want to be on a yacht having sex with all the women, have all the money and also will have church there too, you know what I mean, will read the Bible, will do all that sort of you see, I'm like a middle of the road kind of guy. Says there is no middle of the road solution. God is or he isn't. You know, I mean that's...

...just part of the insanity of the way I am. Part of me wants this thing. There's another thing that wants the red head. You know what can I tell you? I mean, I can't. It's a difficult journey. That's why it's so tough. That's why this thing is so tough. It's you know, what does it say? Half measures of AIL US nothing. You know when the bit did? You guys see in the big book and says half measures of Ellis nothing. Anybody see that? You don't really believe that, do you? You don't believe have measure of all. You believe, like I believe, half measures of Lus fifty percent, fifty percent, because you're all sober and you're all happy and you know you don't do it perfectly. You say, well, that's wrong. I have pleasures of Ellis nothing. So we the big book is right and you're wrong for the bigger so then you got it. You got it. You got to try to figure out maybe what you think you have is everything and maybe you don't have everything, maybe you have nothing, maybe you don't have it yet, maybe you haven't attained it yet. Maybe there's so much, incredibly more that you're missing that compared to what you could be, you've really got nothing. You only think you got some. Maybe you've gone to the banquet and you've gotten yourself a ham sandwich and you left the banquet and you think you're doing great and you missed out on the lobster in the flame innon I don't know. So here we go, all of age, twelve, se asked to go contrary to our natural desires. They all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few steps are harder to take than five, but scarcely any step more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one. A experience has taught us we cannot live alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which, course, are a great them. Living alone. We can't live alone. Can't be alone, can't be lonely, can't be alone. See, that's a problem when it says you can't live alone and yet you're alone. I mean we're all together now to meeting. It feels pretty good. It's good going to meet. Feel good when you go to mean because you're not alone. But then you leave the meeting and you are alone again. So intense though our fear and reluctance to do this that many AA's first try to bypass step five. Most days try to bypass step five. So let me, let me, let me go on to the next one, and then I'm going to give you a little experience that I had and a so now the next one is now I'm going to go to step seven. Why step seven? Okay, well, here we go. It's about ego puncturing. It's about our egos, the EGO deflation. That's why we don't want to do it, whatever ego is. So this is step seven. Since this step is so specifically concerns itself of humility, humility, we should pause here to consider what humility is and what the practice of it can mean to us. Indeed, the attainment of greater humility, the attainment of greater humility, is the foundation principle of each of a twelve steps. Did you know that? Did you know that the attainment of, you knowl it, greater humility, is the foundation principle of each of a twelve steps? Did you know that the foundation principle of every step you study is the attainment of making you humble, making me humble? I mean, I don't know what that's true enough. That's what it says in the book. It says that, for without some degree of humility, no alcohol can stay sober at all. So you've got guy's got some attainment, he says. But here nearly all a's have found too that unless they developed much more of this precious quality, then maybe required just for so brianty, they still have much chance of becoming truly happy. And if you guys want to be happy and you guys want to rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, well, it says you got to get more of this stuff. Without it they cannot live too much youthful purpose or, in adversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency. Next, want to breathe through these things. Page seventy four, right back in the steps have disimproved perception of humility, starts another revolutionary change in our outlook. Our eyes begin to open two immense values which have come straight out of painful ego puncturing. Remember when we went back in the fifth step. They want to avoid the fifth step because of their ego, because it's ego puncturing to sit in front of people and talk about your problems and how screwed up you remember that deal. Until now, our lives have been largely voted to to running from pain and problems, avoiding pain and problems. Here's the A way. We fled from that way. We've fled from them as from the flay plague. We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering. Escape by of the bottle was always our solution. Character building through suffering might be all right for saints, but it certainly didn't a heal to us. And then the last couple things I'm going to...

...read is from the big book. Let me find it, rarey. I've seen a person fell who has thoroughly followed our path, and it says those who do not become from, people who cannot and will not completely give themselves a simple program there are such unfortunates. Here's who they are. Here's who they are. Here's the unfortunates. They are not at fault. They seem to be born that way. They exist, they do exist. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. which demands rigorous honesty. And then it says in talking about the steps. At some of these we bought, like the fifth step. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. Some of US have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was now, until we let go absolutely and we got into action. Here we have been trying to get and then talking about step five, we have been trying to get a new attitude and new relationship with our crew. We have we have been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our creator and to discover the obstacles in our past. Remember what it says. It says the great fact is this and nothing less, that our creator has become the central fact of our life. The whole point of the fifth step is we've been trying to get a new attitude, a new relationship with our creator, with a capital C, and to discover the obstacles in our past. And the best reason is first for this. If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. Time after time, newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives, trying to avoid this humbling there we go again, humbling experience. They've turned to easier methods. They have not learned enough of humility, fearlessness and honesty in the sense we find it necessary and to they told someone else all their life story. So I'm going to sort of quit right there. There was one other thing that I thought was important and I can't find it, so I'm not going to do it. That's just the way it is. We're on a new basis. The basic is based of trusting and relying upon God. We never apologize for that. And that's the deal. So here's the deal. I'm on relay. I was on relay for eight years in Miami Day County. So if you caught what what it needs to be on relay is, if you called Miami Day county any Friday night between the hours of eleven o'clock at night till eight o'clock in the morning, you know, three o'clock the Moing, you call up AA. For eight years I answered the phone and it's an incredible experience. You don't learn how to appreciate how crazy alcoholics are until you get involved in that deal. It's a good it's a good experience for working with others. I want to tell you. And so one night I got a call at exactly eleven o'clock. It's the true story from a gentleman who told me that he had been sober for a couple of months and he was really in big trouble and he wanted to drink. You with me. He was going to a and he wanted to drink. So I talked to a little bit about, you know, what was going on with his life and how, you know, he was screwed. You had a lot of problems and whatever the heck you cup was talking about, I certainly can't remember. This is thirty years ago, thirty thirty five years ago, and and so here's what I would do. I knew that there were certain AA rooms that were open, and he was listening to me, that were open. So because they had just completed a meeting. So I wanted to get him to an AA room. And so I said to him, where are you, because there are a rooms is open up. Where are you? He says, I'm in Carl Gables, Florida. I said that's great, that's great. Eight there's an AA room in call gables. Is Maverick. I was a member of this group called the Carl Room, the car room. It's still in existence. He says, you can go there. I gave me to just I said you can go there, and they just finished their like whatever, one thousand and thirty meeting or whatever. There's nine hundred and thirty meeting and there are people there at the call room. Then you can talk to and he said to me this. I'm already at the car room. I'm talking to you from a pay phone. What he had done. And I said,...

...are there people there? He says, yeah, we just finished the mean there's a lot of people. What he had done is he was at an AA meeting in the Carl Gables, group of alcoholics anonymous, and he was dying inside and he was hurting and there were maybe fifty sixty people around them, a, a a, and he went to the pay phone in the car room and he called up alcoholics anonymous to tell me that he was dying inside and he felt like drinking. Now you may think that's sort of amusing. I'm sure you don't think it's amusing and amusing sense, but you may think that's sort of kind of crazy. But I'll tell you something. I didn't find it. I'll tell you what I found. I understand. I understood it completely. It made perfect sense to me. This man was suffering from a disease. I understood the consequence of being an alcoholic. He was sober and he was suffering from a disease. And even though he was so he was in an a meeting and there were sixty people around him, okay, and he was dying inside. He was so there was such a blockage, he was so scared to go up to somebody and say, can you help me, that he had to go to a pay phone in the car room to call up alcoholics anonymous, to talk to me over the phone. That's the only way he could do it. I understand, I understand. I understand how I understand what it is to have an alcoholic ego. And I'll tell you something. I talk about Alcohol Ego, I'm not talking about a good thing, as remember, not. Don't even think it's an ego. I think it's another word. I think it's a lack of ego. I think it says alcoholics are alcoholics of men. Women are left out to destroy themselves. I personally believe that part and parcel disease of alcoholism is that alcoholics, deep downside, think they're assholes, think that piece of Shit. I have no other way of explaining why. Alcoholics say that they a self talk. Do the self talk they do to themselves. I know the Self Talk I do to myself and I know I know one thing. I used to think I'm different. They won't understand. I'm unique. If there's one thing I've learned that for forty years of being in this deal, is that if I've done it, you've done it. If I've said it, you've said there were all twins. That's why it works. That's why people come up to me after a meeting or after a speech, speech or something say you're talking about me, you're talking. They don't say that because we're different. They caught to say that because we're common. We we we have something in common. If I'm in the shower, tell myself, at five years sober, I'm a loser and I want to kill myself, I know there's been times you've been in the car and you've been telling you what a loser you are. I know what it is to feel like you're basically a piece of shit. I know what it is to worry about if people really find out what's really going on with you. I know what it is to need to buy things and get things that you can't afford, you know, by charging things up on credit cards, to get surround yourself with all sorts of stuff because you need them to puff yourself up and make yourself look good. I know what it is to be grandiose. I understand that alcoholics don't feel good about themselves. They feel crappy about themselves and they feel terrible about themselves. In the one thing that an alcohol never want you to know is that what a piece of shit they are. I understand the whole life of an alcohol is worrying about what other people think about them, which is the only reason why they keep on telling themselves that they don't really care what other people think about themselves. I understand that I'm a rationalizer. I told myself rationalize instead of the truth. I tell myself the opposite of the truth and I grabbed onto it and I latch onto it. I understand that I am I understand that I'm insane. I understand when they say the God will restore us to sanity, I understand what the aunt insanity looks like. I mean, the first step of getting out of jail is knowing you're in jail in the first place. I know what the Alcoholic jail looks like. I just never understood what the mind jail look like. You know, I I'm not only power I'm house over drinking. That's the easy see stuff. How about thinking? How about powerless over your thought life? How about worry and anxiety and all that sort of stuff you know before? Listen, I was an alcoholic before I started drinking, I was an alcoholic during the drinking, I was an alcoholic after the drinking. Okay, my fear, if I have fear, and I anxiety and jealousy and worry and hatred now it's no different than the worry and anxiety hatred I had before I was drinking and during I was drinking. I understand the problem centers of my mind, not my body. I get that and I understand part of that and I understand it's a disease that's out to kill me and I understand it when they say in the big book that all these things go contrary to my natural desires. I understand the disease itself will kill me and put me in a hard position so that I can never get well, I can never get out of jail. I can never see it. I understand that. I understand be a precise thing I need, and that is to humble myself and open up and do the thing that I understand the thing I need to do, which is to tap somebody on the shoulder and say, will you help me? I need help. I understand that that the only thing that will solve that problem is that...

I talk to somebody and tell him how screwed up I am. I know that I won't do that. I'll either not talk to somebody or not go to beans or not talk to my sponsor or not even get a sponsor. Or. I will go to a pay phone in the call room and I will call somebody I don't even know anonymously and say I feel like taking the drink. I have prob I understand what's going on there. I understand that that's the real the real alcoholism, not the drinking. The drink. Hey, you know what? You know the drinking is the drinking is what I use to sort of take care of the real alcoholism. I drank because no woman, no car, no matter money, work quite as fast and quite as well. It's just a few drinks. And the reason and the bottom line is of a differ for me the way I did what did for me when I was eighteen years old. I still be drinking, but alcohol don't work for me no more, so I don't drink it. And you know the serious said part about that is it's stopped working for me about ten years before I realize it's not worth for me. So I don't drink anymore. But I'll tell you what, I still have the power to think crazy shit, as a matter of fact. As a matter of fact, I'm an alcoholic. My my natural desire, my natural thinking is the think crazy shit, think cray. I got to do a lot of stuff, a lot of stuff, listen to me, a lot of stuff in order to in order to not only be physically sober, but to feel good about myself. And here's the real crazy stuff, the stuff that the book asked me to do. I don't care whether it's making coffee, helping the newcomer, doing the fifth step, doing the twelve step, doing the eleventh step, believing in God, you know, turning my life into a life of it. This stuff that the big book tells me I got to do just to get this. I don't want to do it. I ain't gonna do it. I ain't going to do it. I'm just not going to do it. I'm not going to do it thoroughly, I'm not going to do it at all. You wanted us some, because you know what I figured out? I figured out what ninety percent people in the A and figured out. I figured out what you figured out. I know you figure this out. Have you figured out that you don't have to do any of this shit to stay so? You know that, don't you? You're not this shit. Don't you know that you can stay sober for years, going to a without doing these steps, not doing you can say so for you. You can get a sponsor name only and not really use them. You can get a sponsor who signs off on your bullshit, who's not hard on you. The first time a sponsor tells you shit you don't want to see, you don't want to hear. Just fire, get another sponsor. Tell yourself that you know they don't understand me. First Time you got a sponsor tells you something that that you you think he's being rude and you think he's not showing you love and you think he's not in sense. Just get rid of that cue. Yet somebody that will, that loves you and embraces you and doesn't make you feel bad, it doesn't hurt your feelings. You know I mean. I I understand that. It's perfectly possible. Look, I'm a bar drinker. I love to go to bars. I went to bars because I can hang around alcoholics. I love alcoholics. I love not on them because they're perfect. I love them couse they're crazy. They're crazy like me, they think like me, they talk like me. I'm addicted to alcoholics. I was addicted to him and I hung around them when I was drinking shit. I'm addicted to him and I hang around them and I'm not drinking. You know what I mean. I just love. So I know that I can go. I don't go to bars, you understand, but I know I can go to an AA meeting and not drain Scotch and I can drink coffee or Coca Cola and Talk Bullshit and act like I'm doing the program and sort of do it halfway. Ask I just say sober for five, ten, fifteen, twenty years, twenty five years, thirty years. I can make believe I can do sort of like Alfe you know what I mean, laugh at people and mock people that are talking about God. You know, I've say just put the plug in the Jug. I can talk about it. The first step is the only things I can. I can hey, he's like a spiritual kindergarten. I can stay in kindergarten. I you can stay in kindergarten for fifteen years. Let me tell you something. Unfortunately, and some people do it until the day they die and they live lives of quiet desperation. They never they never get rocked in the fourth dimension of existence. But that's okay because they settled. That's what the six stem is all about. The sixth step says this is the step that separates the men out from the boys. So there must be a separation or the book is lying. Or the book is lying. I mean don't believe this is in my opinion, this is the book. That is our program it says this is the step that separates them. Ment for the step of separation. Member boy, are the men that give their entire life or the women give their entire life to focus on God, to get every devective pare. You'll never get perfect, but you shoot for perfection. You talk about it. You're on a new base, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. You know, just like it says the book, your real reliance must be on God. He will even show you how to create the fellowship you crave. You know, see it with your relationship with him is right, and great events will come to be after you. The people that buy into that shit, buy into that Shit, are serious, are not scared to talk about it. And...

...the people that chastise people at Aa for talking about that stuff because they shouldn't talk about that. In alcoholics, anonymous is people that lived at the building a life upon the God thing and and to humble themselves, because it requires you to humble yourself, to humble yourself to buy into something that you don't want. How about this to do something you don't want to do? How about this one? To do something you don't want to do. How do you turn your will and your life over to God when you've made a decision that you're not going to do that? You know, on the seventh step it says you can even say you believe in God. You could say that bullshit. I believe in God and yet have a life that has nothing to do but you could say you believe in God and live a godless life. Yeah, I'm spiritual, but not religious. I understand what that means. Religious people are stupid. Religious people are dumb. I hate religion. I hate organized religion, even though it says we lose all practice. You guys relationship. I'm just a spiritual person. Well, you got a different disease, and I have because I'll tell you about my disease. I am far from spiritual. I live a life. I'll tell you. I've done it for Steven, a fist that. I've looked at my life, I've looked at who I am. Let me tell you something. I am not spiritual. I am not. I am a material person and if I don't do a lot of stuff and give my life to God, let me tell you something. I'm right back to keeping the money and just running over you ragged, you know, to get what I want. I know exactly who I no, I'm not. I'm not. I'm spiritual. Are you kidding me? I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. Anything decent you see in me today has nothing to do with me. Don't give me credit. The only thing I have credit for is because I start following this book and telling and trying to work it thoroughly and given my life over to God and doing the third step and the eleventh step and the sixth step and the seventh step, the one that separates from men from the boys. I know what this deal is all about and I'm not scared to talk about I guess that's one of the one of the truth of the matter is I understand why people who even believe this stuff are scared to talk about an A. I understand why a's become the way it is. I'm not putting it down. I'm sort of glad there's people in a that are, you know, think that a stand for atheism or at no, I'm so. It's fine with me. I don't care. You know, I mean it's I have no problem with that. I'm not trying to share, but I understand that there are people that may feel that what I'm saying is correct, but they're scared. Can you imagine? I want you to think about this, in a today people are in the big book. All they do is talk about God. They use the word God, they use higher power led them, but they use Creator and God. Bill Wilson said the Lord's been so wonderful me to rem stows. These got he talking about to do you know an AA today? There are people in Aa, and you maybe one of them, that are scared to talk about God and a meetings. Have you been scared to talk about God and a meetings? Have you been scared to talk about God in an a meeting and it's on the board because you're scared, like one of these guys with fifteen years, one of these quote pseudo old times will come up to you and beat you up. You ever hear people mock people that talk about God a religion? You hear a lot of God bashing, don't you? And here you think that's alcoholics. Anonymous. Alcoholics anonymous is we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. We can see where religious people are right. We hang on to it. We have a six step where we have an open mind. You know how I know what alcohol I've read the book. I really you're in a fellowship. Now where the where the material? The book tells you to do one thing and the fellowship at ties tells you don't do that. Don't go there. I'm not putting down, I'm just telling the truth. You know. And if hey, I hope it doesn't upset you, but if it does, you know, whatever you just started, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. You know how that works. You'll figure it out. But any even that's what the whole thing is about. The whole thing is about the fifth step is about. If it's about anything, it's about what it says in the twelve and twelve. It's like further humility. It's just one more thing of breaking you down. I put I put a quote in chat. Some you didn't see it, most of you did. It's quote from Psalms. It's a quote from Psalms. It's in chat and it's you know, it's part of and you know they stud and and this is what and it says. It says it's from Psalm FI hundred and seventeen bold testament says my sacrifice of God is a broken spirit, a broken in contrast, I heart you. God will not despise that. I mean, that's what God wants. God wants you on your knees asking for help. He wants you praying to him. That's what this thing is all. All these men, Bob Smith, Bill Wilson, they were men of prayer. They went to church, they humbled themselves before God. They wrote a book. They said God says central fact of our lives. They were into this stuff. There were rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. They were doing this deal. Read the book, read the stories, see what they were talking about. You know, read Dr Bob the Hey. Read Dr Bob and the good old timers. They do that. Once you do that, this is all about humbling yourself. Yes, you know, I said once the real chief. It's one of...

...my mentors. I said, well, I don't like I don't like that. He said. I don't like that. He said, who gives a shit what you like? True, what that? What does that have to do with anything? I know what you like. You know. This has nothing to do with what you want to do. There's nothing to do with what you like, what you want. You start telling me what you like. I know what they you have not turned your will and life over to care of God. You have not the third step. You've done just bullshit. That's all you're doing, you know. And so I got to stop now because if I don't stop now, I'm going to say something that's going to get me kicked out of alcoholics. Anonymous because I know I've already probably broken a few rules and traditions, so God bless you. Thank you very much. I said for me.

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