AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 34 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 5 - Further Humility

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

Or anything like that. My nameis Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic and I am a member of the CelticSia Group and it's good to be here and I heard that movie was talkingabout the letter. You know, I'll start off with the letter because it'syou know, one of the things I like about our stories is they're allwell, I believe they're all truthful. You know, they're salt tay alittle. I got a letter. I don't know whether it's anybody in thisgroup and I hope it is, but if it's not, I understand it'stake maybe it'll get to this person. And I got it by snail mail. I get very few things by snail mail these days. Everything's by email. And I got this letter sitting on my desk. It's envelope, noreturn address. So I opened it up and it's this letter. It's onthe it's written on the front of the back and in script and in thevery nice letter, you know, tell me how much I've helped them andhow much they enjoy me and all this sort of stuff. And then theyadvised that they're very sad that they understood that I had to leave alcoholics anonymoussaid to hear that I was leaving alcoholics anonymous. So whoever that person is, I want to let them know that I have a reprieve and not beingkicked out. I'm just merely on probation, supervised release, you know, andI have a probation officer from the Home Office. They're probably one ofyou guys. There's so I'm going to try to be a good boy andI I'm going to talk a little bit about step five. Well, youknow how that is. I think I'm probably am I'm going to try toconnect a few dots and tell you about my own experience, and so youknow, I should say you know what happens with me is as you asyou as you stay around the while, you know, you start connecting thedots, you start seeing some stuff, and so the bottom line is Iam going to talk a little bit about about what I've found and what I'veseen. And so in order for me to talk to you about I'm notgoing to tell you how to do step five and you need to talk toyour sponsor. I'm not necessarily about stuff five. I did my I didit with the psychiatrist actually, and that's a whole story that I may ormay not get into. Apparently it's so if I stumping around, I'm inmy forty year. So apparently it worked. I did the worst fourth step inthe world. Apparently it worked. So I think, don't worry aboutperfection. Just go ahead and do it. But because you're going to be doingbecause what these steps are going to do is set you up for doingit for the rest of your life. You'll just be repeating them and really, you know, wax on, wax off, looks on wax off.You'll just be doing it for the rest of your life and then one dayyou wake up and you're not even doing this. You know, when youfirst start doing the steps, you say there they're so different, they're sodifferent. Way. Oh, Oh, I think I just did a stepthree. Some guy in a asked you for directions. How do I getto an a room, and you say I'll go down the block and gothin, so on the right. Oh, I think I just did a steptwelve. Oh, I think that was a step ten. You know, and they're so distinct and so different than you do them over and overand over again. You know, and this this sort of is this stepbehavior, which was sort of. You know exercise is. You get soused to this step ten and the make of the amends and finally restraining tonguein pain and doing the four step and inventory yourself and doing all the stuff. You do it over over over and over again, and one day youwake up and guess what, you're just not doing the steps anymore. You'renot now here. You're happy, your joyous. You've been rocking in thefourth dimension of existence. You for the most part, maybe not perfectly lostfor your people and Economic Insecurity. You're living a life of joy. Youknow that kind of deal you seem to have. You know you have nodesire to drink it. Doing Great. You Got Twenty five years, butyou're not doing the steps and you you're not even turning you're not even doingthe third step. You're not you're not turning things over, you know.And and then you realize that you're living a turned over life and you realizeyou're not doing the steps. You're living the steps. You've been doing thesebloody thing. I remember telling my sponsor. I said I think you're brainwashing me. Said, well, maybe your brain needs washing, and all ofa sudden you've been doing the steps so many times and you're sponsoring people andyou're doing service and going to meetings that they finally completed the brainwashing and youare you are the big but you're just doing the deal. And of coursethat comes from doing this over and over again and getting repeated humiliation stuff outof crushing of her self sufficiency and being fine tuned and all that sort ofstuff. So I'm going to talk a little. I'm not going to talkabout how to do the fifth step. In the book it gives you guidance, it says perhaps your doctor, psychologist or a close mouth friend and BlahBlah Blah, tells you all how to do it. You're got to readit and that kind of thing. I want to talk to you about theprint, some of the principles and some of the nuances of the step andwhat's really behind it. I want to talk about motivations and why you mightwant to do it and how it fits in, because a lot of alcoholics, when they first come in, what they're really thinking in their mind,even if they don't voices, is why do I have to do this?Why should I? Why do I have to go to me? So whydo I have to get a sponsor.

Why do I have to do this? I mean, after they get past the initial why am I an alcoholic? Crap, they start going into the world. Why do I have todo this, though? Why do I? You know, in the first stepthat has great. I love the thing about why all this insistence onhitting bottom, because nobody's going to do this crap. And let's say throughthe life is the bad and that's good enough, good enough for me.Nobody's going to do it, unless you think your life depends upon me.You know. Never Abin not bought of his desperation. So I'm going togive a couple of hints. has to why, to connect a few doughts, and here's the deal. I'm just going to talk about my life.The fifth sort of like some things about the fifth step. I'm read somethings out of the big book, read a couple things out of twelve andtwelve and I want you to think about them. And here's the deal.I'm I'm going to make some statement, somebody give some opinions. I'm anopinionated alcoholic, but you are going to have to figure this thing out.I'm going to listen to me. I don't want to infringe on your rightto get this thing wrong. I don't want to infringe on your right to, you know, in your mind, say I think this guy's full ofShit. I don't want an infringe on your right to to disregard what I'msaying and have a second opinion. I don't want to infringe on your rightto say to me, Russell, you don't understand, I'm different. Idon't want to infringe on that. I want you to go through the deal. I don't want you to just necessarily take what I'm telling you and andsay, well, I guess he's right, or something like that. I wantyou to come to your own conclusions about this thing because, quite frankly, I think sometimes the the best the best situation to have is when youcome to your own conclusion, come to your own conclusion about your alcoholism,about your powerlessness, about you need to have God in your life. Cometo your own conclusion, said somebody shoving it down your throat. So I'mgoing to I'm just going to read a couple things from the big book.Now. One of the things that that I have decided in my own life, and not only big book, but you know, I'm likable. Imany years later, when I got got to around nine to ten years sobrietyand I needed more and I needed a closer contact and I was thirsty.And I was hungry, I started going to Bible study, which is it'snot conference, disapproved, by the way. It's not. conference. has provedif you readout the boldom good old timers, that's all they were doing. They were just reading the Bible, First Corinthians, Thirteen, book ofJames and Sermon on the Mount. So it's not just but I started doingthat because the big book encourages church membership. It says it says this way,it says you don't have to do it, but most of us,the founders, this is the way they put it. They say you don't, you don't have to do it. You know it's just a suggection,but most of us do it. So then you run headlong into that.Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Andyou got to you got to say to you something. You can do this. And you could say, well, I don't believe in it, Idon't like church, I don't believe any of that stuff. But most ofthe founders did this, so maybe ill to do it, or you cansay screw it. That's for them. They got their program I got myproblem. You can do it anyway you want. You know, you're analcoholic. You're entitle to do whatever the heck you want to do. Buthere's what I'm going to do. The first thing I'm going to do isgoing to take about ten minutes, maybe not even that, because I'm goingto try. I'm going to try not to read fast, I'm going totry to read it slow. I'm going to I picked out a couple ofthings from the big book of Alcoholics, anonymous, the big Bookley. Igot the clown book here the Big Book, and I got the fourth edition heresomewhere, but it's basically the same deal. And from the twelve andtwelve and and if I'm going to talk about the fifth step, I gotto talk a little bit about the second step in the first step and thethird step and I got to talk a little bit about the seventh step,maybe the eleventh step, and I got to talk about all this. Theyalso fit in the motion. And you know, maybe you'll see something thatyou haven't seen before about this fifth step stuff and why it's so important andwhy it's so important for an alcohol to do the fifth step it. Solet me read these. That now here's what I'd ask you to do.These like a little exercise it. Don't you love test? I love test, you know, especially when they're not really that big a deal and nothingdepends upon them. So here's a little test for you. I'm not we'renot going to take grades. I'm going to read some things out of oneof the things I've decided. You know, we have a spiritual axiom, andthis, for instance. We have a spiritual axiom in a and thespiritual axiom is this, whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, there'ssomething wrong with me. So then you ask, well, what aboutif I'm justified to be pissed off? And the big book says that's noexcuse. Whenever you're disturbed. I've never been disturbed, if I what believeme, I've never been disturbed that anything or anybody, unless I had aright to be disturbed about them. Okay, the big book says the Axiom iswhich means without question, whenever I'm...

...disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with me some sort of idea that if I fix thedisturbance that's wrong with me, then I will no longer be disturbed and I'llbe at peace, even if the person's Jag off. You know what Imean. You understand what I'm saying. You know, which helps a lot. If you're married, you know we're all that sort of stuff, oryou got a boss and things like that, because you don't have to change them. You don't try to have to manipulate them there, you don't haveto manage them in your mind. You can just sort of change yourself soit doesn't bother you like it bothers other people. So I get that.So what happened is is now, of course, I'm an alcoholic, andone of the consequences of it says unless and until and Alcoholic accepts his alcoholismand all its consequences. There are consequences to being an alcohol his sobriety willbe precarious and of true happiness, they'll find none at all. So apparentlyone of the things I have to accept is not only is my alcoholsm ismy my and all my its consequences, and I can tell you this.It may take twenty five years or thirty years to see clearly and accept allthe consequences of being an alcoholic. And, quite frankly, and here's the scarypart, I got what thirty nine years I'm still how do I knowwhether I know all the consequences? I'm still working at it, you know, but I've put together a few of them now. I here's what's happened. I've accepted that. I've accepted the spiritually acts him, even though inin on Planet Russell, you're all in your own we're all on our ownplanet. Yah'm in planet runtals and Planet Russell. This is the spiritual axiom. And Plant Russell. Whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, there'ssomething wrong with you, with you. As a matter of fact, I'mgoing to tell everybody about you and what an idiot you are, becausethere's something. If you would change, I would be okay. I wouldn'thave burned down your house if you didn't call me a name. I wouldn'thave done this. As a matter of fact, if it happened to you, you do the same thing. That's Russell Spiritual Axiom. I mean Iknow that mathematically. That the problem I have with this world is that youguys are screwed up and you don't understand me and you haven't voted me emperorof alcoholics anonymous yet. If only everybody would do life the way I wantto do life and you know, follow my persuasions minds, everybody would behappy. But we have the spiritual axiom and this is the deal I haveto buy into. Whenever I'm disturbed, no matter what the cause, there'ssomething wrong. I now here's the deal. I bought into that. I don'tknow whether I bought into it at ten years at fifteen, when Ibought it, but I'll say I bought into it. The consequences of buyinginto that, of having it in you from your head to your heart,is that whenever you get disturbed, you may get pissed off for about threeor four seconds or ten seconds at the person, and then the next thingyou think is why am I letting his curt? Why is this person botheringand you work on that. You may have to write it down, youmay not have to write a tame may have to talk to somebody, maynot have talked about you. May Have to pray about it, may havenot have to pray about it. Usually it's not a big deal and usuallyI sort of figure it out because there's not, at seventy one years ofage, there's not too much crap that goes on in this world in frontof me that I haven't experienced two thousand times before. You get it.There's not too I'm going to use the dirty word now. You'll be okay. If it disturbs you, check with your sponsor and write it down.There's not too many assholes that I've run into in this world that I haveyou know, though, as cellular types, that I've run into in this worldthat I haven't already run into in the first seventy one years. Youunderstand what I'm saying. Yeah, I pretty run much run the gap andI'm a criminal defense attorney. I represent that. I used to prosecute criminals. So there's not too much craziness you know that I haven't seen in thisworld to get you upset, you know and go crazy that I haven't seenalready. So I've I've sort of been done. Now there's probably some stuffout there I haven't seen yet that's coming to my way and I'll have towork it out, but I bought into the spiritual axiom. Okay, well, I'll tell you what else I bought into. I have bought into thetwelve and twelve. I bought into the big book. No matter how Ino longer say to the big book you don't understand. I don't say thatthe twelve and twelve. You don't understand. My best thinking got me into thisthing. So I figure if it's in the book, it's probably true. You understand. So that's where I'm coming from. So what I'm goingto do now? You may not have figured that out yet, or maybeyou you're you're like, you're like this. You sort of like buy into someof the stuff in the big book in Twelve and twelve, but notall the stuff. Or maybe you sort of buy into it, but,but, but, but, you go like yeah, but you don't understand. Let me explain. But you're a...

...little different. So it's got tobe modified for you. You understand. Say, maybe you're like one ofthese guys. They Will Russell, that's your program this is my program youknow, maybe there's a million different program I don't know. But the longerI'm so with the more I'm sort of like the more the more I godown the narrow road, the narrow there's a narrow road, the road getsnarrower. You know, it's sort of like, it's sort of like thetwenty three stars. Your Rod and M Your staff, they conquered me.You know. You know shepherds. That's either's no about a shepherd, whichsheep for the dumbest animals in the world. The shepherd used to carry a rodand the staff, a staff of the hook, you know. Imean with a hook and a Roddam hit the sheep over the head. That'swhere the shepherd did when the sheet went off. They said, to hithim over the head. Or they take the hook and they hook their neckor something like that. That's what guys are like. Hooks us, it'sus and that kind of thing, to make sure the sheet go online andthey don't wander off and come lost sheep, and there's a old thing about that. But so I'm going to read you a couple of things from these, from this deal, and I'm going to read somethings from step five,from steps seven and from the big book. And all I want you to dois this. This is the deal. This is the assignments. If youwant to. You know, don't get mad at me because I sayassignment. You don't have to do it if you don't want to. Iwant you to listen to what I read and I want you to cat andthey're from all different parts of the book, all different steps, all different steps. There's me stuff from the seventh steps. Don't for the fifth step. They are all different steps. I want you to listen to what Isay and see when you can catch the if there are any words or statementsthat are similar, although it's catch if there's any similarity, even though theycome from different steps. That were they're talking about something over and over again, with the repeating something over and over again. Okay, so let's stopstart with step five. We're going to start with step five. It doesn'teven matter what what it doesn't even matter what how I go, which oneI read first or second, because we're going to just compare them all andthen we're going to talk about that in the fifth step and what I thinkthey're talking about. By the way, you know that promise where it saysfear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us? You guys, everhear about that promise? Fear people how would? How would? What wouldyour life be? Anybody here ever you get upset with people? Is anymI the only one. Okay, lily got upset. One got one person. Okay. Anybody here ever have anxiety because of people? You thinking abouta particular person in your mind all the time and everything like that, andit gives you you that makes you anxious. I mean, you ever have fearof people you know? You ever have fear of economic insecurity, aboutlosing something like a car or House or something like that get you? Everyou ever do this? You ever have a worry about money and losing somethingyou know that's important, like a car, house or job or something? Youever have this thought in your mind, what will people think about me?You ever worry about what people think about you if something happens, maybea vanity thing, you know what I mean. You lose your hair,whatever heck it is. You ever you have that. That's a that's crummy, is isn't that crumb? That's not like being rocking in the fourth dimensionof existence, is it? I mean, even if you're sober, if youhave all these people living rent free in your brain, that's kind ofcrappy. Isn't it? It's a crappy deal. What would your life belike if you didn't have fear? What would your life be like if you, you know, you rarely, or if ever, had the thought ofwhere you worried about what people thought about you? What would your life belike if you want to a meetings and you could talk when you wanted totalk and express what you wanted to express and try to be as honest aspossible and never walk away worried about what you said? What would that feellike? What would it feel like to go to an a meeting and andif somebody said, does anybody have something to say, you would go aheadand say it if you had something to say and you wouldn't hesitate, youwouldn't go through this deal in your mind. I don't want to raise my handbecause I don't want him to think that I want to talk. Whatwould your life be like if you lost all those little, subtle feeling fearsthat you need to look at his fears because it's the way you live yourlife, because you can't separate the two from the false and your alcoholic lifeseems the only normal life. What if your fears are so pervasive that theyseem normal to you. It seems normal to you to worry about people andhow you look. It seems normal to you to think that. What ifyou think that? What have you think? And what I'm saying is crazy.What are you thinking like? This is crazy shit, that can neverhappen. Well, you know, I don't know how to explain this toyou, but in the big book about and I thought that way too formany years, for many years really, for ten twenty years, an a, I thought it would never happen to me. I thought of but youknow, yet in the big book of...

...alcoholics, anonymous, it says wehave been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence of which we had not evendreamed. We've experienced heaven, a form of Heaven that we didn't even know. We experience a new freedom, fear of people and of economical insecurity,of left. That's what it says in the book. That's what people loveto hear. They love to read the promises. So if that's not true, then this book is a lie. And you know, I accept everythingin this book. You know what? Because that's that life is true forme and that life is true for a lot of people that I hang outwith that I know it's because of this deal. I just want you toknow that there is concrete underneath those lily pads. This is the real deal. This is serious stuff. If it hasn't happened to you yet, stickaround. So I'm going to read you a couple things. Okay, herewe go. This from step five. I'm going to go from I'm goingto go real fast down the thing. All of a age twelve. Okay, well, obviously you know what stuff five is admitted to God, toourselves in to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs, admittedto God, to ourselves and another human being. The exact nature of ourwrongs. All of age twelve steps ask us to go contrary to our naturaldesires. I'm going to repeat that. All of age twelve steps ask meto go contrary to our natural desires. I'm going to do it one moretime. All of age twelve steps asked us to go contrary to our naturaldesires. Now what's my natural desire? You? We went over the secondstep. The second step says came to believe that a power greater than ourselvescould restore us to sanity. My natural state of being is that I'm insane. I'll call some men and women who have who are self destructive. That'swhat commentager said. We're self on our best days, with our best efforts, with our best thoughts in mind about how where do we heard of thepeople, and we screw up ourselves. That's how we that's how we woundup in here. Our best thinking got us in here. That's why theyhave something called the second step. We think here's the deal. We thinkwe're okay. That's what the fifth step says. Selfishness, self centeredness,not the fifth step, the fifth chapter. Selfishness, self centeredness. That's theroot of our problems. That's our problem. It's not the drinking.That's a symptom. The real problem centers on our mind, not our body. We're insane. We're selfish. With what does the insanity look like?Okay, how's this? We're selfish, we're self centered. We're driven,driven, you know, forget the sat forget the will power thing. We'redriven to have a fight. We're driven to hate people, we're driven toget mad, we're driven to do stupid that we're we're driven to have thatthing come out of our mouth that's going to arn a relationship. We're youknow, we're driven to win the fight selfishness and self centered and drift,driven by a hundred forms of fear, selves, self seeking, selfpity.We step on the toes of runners. They retaliate, usually without provocation.But we know that we've made decisions in the past not because we were drunk. Yeah, I didn't hurt people that much when I was droppets of notshowing up and things like that, which is hurtful. I did a lotof crap when I was sober, before I came to day and after Icame day. That's what I got. The tent step. We made decisionsbased upon self would put us in a position to be heard. So nowalcohol can self will run riot. We just believe our thoughts are true.Are True where self will run riot, but we usually don't think so right. Above everything, we must get rid of this alcoholism. We much orkills us. God makes that possible. All of a steps go contrary toour natural way of thinking. That's why it's so tough. I came todaywhen I was thirty one years old. I thought the way I thought forthirty one years and quite frankly, even after coming day, even though theywere trying to train me with the steps and I went all the means,I continued to think the way I thought and feel the way I felt foranother ten, fifteen years and battle this deal. And you know, halfmeasures, valis nothing. You know, there's you know, you know whatit says the big book. There is no middle of the road solution.How do you like that? And I'm a middle of the road kind ofguy. You know, I'll take a little of this and take a littlebit. I don't want to get too far into the God thing. That'slike fanatical, you know I mean, I don't want to do this God. Here's what I want. I want to be Jesus and you have Nurlike in the same body. You understand what I'm saying. Here's what Iwant to do. I want to be on a yacht having sex with allthe women, have all the money and also will have church there too,you know what I mean, will read the Bible, will do all thatsort of you see, I'm like a middle of the road kind of guy. Says there is no middle of the road solution. God is or heisn't. You know, I mean that's...

...just part of the insanity of theway I am. Part of me wants this thing. There's another thing thatwants the red head. You know what can I tell you? I mean, I can't. It's a difficult journey. That's why it's so tough. That'swhy this thing is so tough. It's you know, what does itsay? Half measures of AIL US nothing. You know when the bit did?You guys see in the big book and says half measures of Ellis nothing. Anybody see that? You don't really believe that, do you? Youdon't believe have measure of all. You believe, like I believe, halfmeasures of Lus fifty percent, fifty percent, because you're all sober and you're allhappy and you know you don't do it perfectly. You say, well, that's wrong. I have pleasures of Ellis nothing. So we the bigbook is right and you're wrong for the bigger so then you got it.You got it. You got to try to figure out maybe what you thinkyou have is everything and maybe you don't have everything, maybe you have nothing, maybe you don't have it yet, maybe you haven't attained it yet.Maybe there's so much, incredibly more that you're missing that compared to what youcould be, you've really got nothing. You only think you got some.Maybe you've gone to the banquet and you've gotten yourself a ham sandwich and youleft the banquet and you think you're doing great and you missed out on thelobster in the flame innon I don't know. So here we go, all ofage, twelve, se asked to go contrary to our natural desires.They all deflate our egos. When it comes to ego deflation, few stepsare harder to take than five, but scarcely any step more necessary to longtimesobriety and peace of mind than this one. A experience has taught us we cannotlive alone with our pressing problems and the character defects which, course,are a great them. Living alone. We can't live alone. Can't bealone, can't be lonely, can't be alone. See, that's a problemwhen it says you can't live alone and yet you're alone. I mean we'reall together now to meeting. It feels pretty good. It's good going tomeet. Feel good when you go to mean because you're not alone. Butthen you leave the meeting and you are alone again. So intense though ourfear and reluctance to do this that many AA's first try to bypass step five. Most days try to bypass step five. So let me, let me,let me go on to the next one, and then I'm going togive you a little experience that I had and a so now the next oneis now I'm going to go to step seven. Why step seven? Okay, well, here we go. It's about ego puncturing. It's about ouregos, the EGO deflation. That's why we don't want to do it,whatever ego is. So this is step seven. Since this step is sospecifically concerns itself of humility, humility, we should pause here to consider whathumility is and what the practice of it can mean to us. Indeed,the attainment of greater humility, the attainment of greater humility, is the foundationprinciple of each of a twelve steps. Did you know that? Did youknow that the attainment of, you knowl it, greater humility, is thefoundation principle of each of a twelve steps? Did you know that the foundation principleof every step you study is the attainment of making you humble, makingme humble? I mean, I don't know what that's true enough. That'swhat it says in the book. It says that, for without some degreeof humility, no alcohol can stay sober at all. So you've got guy'sgot some attainment, he says. But here nearly all a's have found toothat unless they developed much more of this precious quality, then maybe required justfor so brianty, they still have much chance of becoming truly happy. Andif you guys want to be happy and you guys want to rocking in thefourth dimension of existence, well, it says you got to get more ofthis stuff. Without it they cannot live too much youthful purpose or, inadversity, be able to summon the faith that can meet any emergency. Next, want to breathe through these things. Page seventy four, right back inthe steps have disimproved perception of humility, starts another revolutionary change in our outlook. Our eyes begin to open two immense values which have come straight out ofpainful ego puncturing. Remember when we went back in the fifth step. Theywant to avoid the fifth step because of their ego, because it's ego puncturingto sit in front of people and talk about your problems and how screwed upyou remember that deal. Until now, our lives have been largely voted toto running from pain and problems, avoiding pain and problems. Here's the Away. We fled from that way. We've fled from them as from theflay plague. We never wanted to deal with the fact of suffering. Escapeby of the bottle was always our solution. Character building through suffering might be allright for saints, but it certainly didn't a heal to us. Andthen the last couple things I'm going to...

...read is from the big book.Let me find it, rarey. I've seen a person fell who has thoroughlyfollowed our path, and it says those who do not become from, peoplewho cannot and will not completely give themselves a simple program there are such unfortunates. Here's who they are. Here's who they are. Here's the unfortunates.They are not at fault. They seem to be born that way. Theyexist, they do exist. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing amanner of living which demands rigorous honesty. which demands rigorous honesty. And thenit says in talking about the steps. At some of these we bought,like the fifth step. We thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not. Some of US have tried to hold on toour old ideas and the result was now, until we let go absolutely and wegot into action. Here we have been trying to get and then talkingabout step five, we have been trying to get a new attitude and newrelationship with our crew. We have we have been trying to get a newattitude, a new relationship with our creator and to discover the obstacles in ourpast. Remember what it says. It says the great fact is this andnothing less, that our creator has become the central fact of our life.The whole point of the fifth step is we've been trying to get a newattitude, a new relationship with our creator, with a capital C, and todiscover the obstacles in our past. And the best reason is first forthis. If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. Timeafter time, newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about theirlives, trying to avoid this humbling there we go again, humbling experience.They've turned to easier methods. They have not learned enough of humility, fearlessnessand honesty in the sense we find it necessary and to they told someone elseall their life story. So I'm going to sort of quit right there.There was one other thing that I thought was important and I can't find it, so I'm not going to do it. That's just the way it is.We're on a new basis. The basic is based of trusting and relyingupon God. We never apologize for that. And that's the deal. So here'sthe deal. I'm on relay. I was on relay for eight yearsin Miami Day County. So if you caught what what it needs to beon relay is, if you called Miami Day county any Friday night between thehours of eleven o'clock at night till eight o'clock in the morning, you know, three o'clock the Moing, you call up AA. For eight years Ianswered the phone and it's an incredible experience. You don't learn how to appreciate howcrazy alcoholics are until you get involved in that deal. It's a goodit's a good experience for working with others. I want to tell you. Andso one night I got a call at exactly eleven o'clock. It's thetrue story from a gentleman who told me that he had been sober for acouple of months and he was really in big trouble and he wanted to drink. You with me. He was going to a and he wanted to drink. So I talked to a little bit about, you know, what wasgoing on with his life and how, you know, he was screwed.You had a lot of problems and whatever the heck you cup was talking about, I certainly can't remember. This is thirty years ago, thirty thirty fiveyears ago, and and so here's what I would do. I knew thatthere were certain AA rooms that were open, and he was listening to me,that were open. So because they had just completed a meeting. SoI wanted to get him to an AA room. And so I said tohim, where are you, because there are a rooms is open up.Where are you? He says, I'm in Carl Gables, Florida. Isaid that's great, that's great. Eight there's an AA room in call gables. Is Maverick. I was a member of this group called the Carl Room, the car room. It's still in existence. He says, you cango there. I gave me to just I said you can go there,and they just finished their like whatever, one thousand and thirty meeting or whatever. There's nine hundred and thirty meeting and there are people there at the callroom. Then you can talk to and he said to me this. I'malready at the car room. I'm talking to you from a pay phone.What he had done. And I said,...

...are there people there? He says, yeah, we just finished the mean there's a lot of people.What he had done is he was at an AA meeting in the Carl Gables, group of alcoholics anonymous, and he was dying inside and he was hurtingand there were maybe fifty sixty people around them, a, a a,and he went to the pay phone in the car room and he called upalcoholics anonymous to tell me that he was dying inside and he felt like drinking. Now you may think that's sort of amusing. I'm sure you don't thinkit's amusing and amusing sense, but you may think that's sort of kind ofcrazy. But I'll tell you something. I didn't find it. I'll tellyou what I found. I understand. I understood it completely. It madeperfect sense to me. This man was suffering from a disease. I understoodthe consequence of being an alcoholic. He was sober and he was suffering froma disease. And even though he was so he was in an a meetingand there were sixty people around him, okay, and he was dying inside. He was so there was such a blockage, he was so scared togo up to somebody and say, can you help me, that he hadto go to a pay phone in the car room to call up alcoholics anonymous, to talk to me over the phone. That's the only way he could doit. I understand, I understand. I understand how I understand what itis to have an alcoholic ego. And I'll tell you something. Italk about Alcohol Ego, I'm not talking about a good thing, as remember, not. Don't even think it's an ego. I think it's another word. I think it's a lack of ego. I think it says alcoholics are alcoholicsof men. Women are left out to destroy themselves. I personally believethat part and parcel disease of alcoholism is that alcoholics, deep downside, thinkthey're assholes, think that piece of Shit. I have no other way of explainingwhy. Alcoholics say that they a self talk. Do the self talkthey do to themselves. I know the Self Talk I do to myself andI know I know one thing. I used to think I'm different. Theywon't understand. I'm unique. If there's one thing I've learned that for fortyyears of being in this deal, is that if I've done it, you'vedone it. If I've said it, you've said there were all twins.That's why it works. That's why people come up to me after a meetingor after a speech, speech or something say you're talking about me, you'retalking. They don't say that because we're different. They caught to say thatbecause we're common. We we we have something in common. If I'm inthe shower, tell myself, at five years sober, I'm a loser andI want to kill myself, I know there's been times you've been in thecar and you've been telling you what a loser you are. I know whatit is to feel like you're basically a piece of shit. I know whatit is to worry about if people really find out what's really going on withyou. I know what it is to need to buy things and get thingsthat you can't afford, you know, by charging things up on credit cards, to get surround yourself with all sorts of stuff because you need them topuff yourself up and make yourself look good. I know what it is to begrandiose. I understand that alcoholics don't feel good about themselves. They feelcrappy about themselves and they feel terrible about themselves. In the one thing thatan alcohol never want you to know is that what a piece of shit theyare. I understand the whole life of an alcohol is worrying about what otherpeople think about them, which is the only reason why they keep on tellingthemselves that they don't really care what other people think about themselves. I understandthat I'm a rationalizer. I told myself rationalize instead of the truth. Itell myself the opposite of the truth and I grabbed onto it and I latchonto it. I understand that I am I understand that I'm insane. Iunderstand when they say the God will restore us to sanity, I understand whatthe aunt insanity looks like. I mean, the first step of getting out ofjail is knowing you're in jail in the first place. I know whatthe Alcoholic jail looks like. I just never understood what the mind jail looklike. You know, I I'm not only power I'm house over drinking.That's the easy see stuff. How about thinking? How about powerless over yourthought life? How about worry and anxiety and all that sort of stuff youknow before? Listen, I was an alcoholic before I started drinking, Iwas an alcoholic during the drinking, I was an alcoholic after the drinking.Okay, my fear, if I have fear, and I anxiety and jealousyand worry and hatred now it's no different than the worry and anxiety hatred Ihad before I was drinking and during I was drinking. I understand the problemcenters of my mind, not my body. I get that and I understand partof that and I understand it's a disease that's out to kill me andI understand it when they say in the big book that all these things gocontrary to my natural desires. I understand the disease itself will kill me andput me in a hard position so that I can never get well, Ican never get out of jail. I can never see it. I understandthat. I understand be a precise thing I need, and that is tohumble myself and open up and do the thing that I understand the thing Ineed to do, which is to tap somebody on the shoulder and say,will you help me? I need help. I understand that that the only thingthat will solve that problem is that...

I talk to somebody and tell himhow screwed up I am. I know that I won't do that. I'lleither not talk to somebody or not go to beans or not talk to mysponsor or not even get a sponsor. Or. I will go to apay phone in the call room and I will call somebody I don't even knowanonymously and say I feel like taking the drink. I have prob I understandwhat's going on there. I understand that that's the real the real alcoholism,not the drinking. The drink. Hey, you know what? You know thedrinking is the drinking is what I use to sort of take care ofthe real alcoholism. I drank because no woman, no car, no mattermoney, work quite as fast and quite as well. It's just a fewdrinks. And the reason and the bottom line is of a differ for methe way I did what did for me when I was eighteen years old.I still be drinking, but alcohol don't work for me no more, soI don't drink it. And you know the serious said part about that isit's stopped working for me about ten years before I realize it's not worth forme. So I don't drink anymore. But I'll tell you what, Istill have the power to think crazy shit, as a matter of fact. Asa matter of fact, I'm an alcoholic. My my natural desire,my natural thinking is the think crazy shit, think cray. I got to doa lot of stuff, a lot of stuff, listen to me,a lot of stuff in order to in order to not only be physically sober, but to feel good about myself. And here's the real crazy stuff,the stuff that the book asked me to do. I don't care whether it'smaking coffee, helping the newcomer, doing the fifth step, doing the twelvestep, doing the eleventh step, believing in God, you know, turningmy life into a life of it. This stuff that the big book tellsme I got to do just to get this. I don't want to doit. I ain't gonna do it. I ain't going to do it.I'm just not going to do it. I'm not going to do it thoroughly, I'm not going to do it at all. You wanted us some,because you know what I figured out? I figured out what ninety percent peoplein the A and figured out. I figured out what you figured out.I know you figure this out. Have you figured out that you don't haveto do any of this shit to stay so? You know that, don'tyou? You're not this shit. Don't you know that you can stay soberfor years, going to a without doing these steps, not doing you cansay so for you. You can get a sponsor name only and not reallyuse them. You can get a sponsor who signs off on your bullshit,who's not hard on you. The first time a sponsor tells you shit youdon't want to see, you don't want to hear. Just fire, getanother sponsor. Tell yourself that you know they don't understand me. First Timeyou got a sponsor tells you something that that you you think he's being rudeand you think he's not showing you love and you think he's not in sense. Just get rid of that cue. Yet somebody that will, that lovesyou and embraces you and doesn't make you feel bad, it doesn't hurt yourfeelings. You know I mean. I I understand that. It's perfectly possible. Look, I'm a bar drinker. I love to go to bars.I went to bars because I can hang around alcoholics. I love alcoholics.I love not on them because they're perfect. I love them couse they're crazy.They're crazy like me, they think like me, they talk like me. I'm addicted to alcoholics. I was addicted to him and I hung aroundthem when I was drinking shit. I'm addicted to him and I hang aroundthem and I'm not drinking. You know what I mean. I just love. So I know that I can go. I don't go to bars, youunderstand, but I know I can go to an AA meeting and notdrain Scotch and I can drink coffee or Coca Cola and Talk Bullshit and actlike I'm doing the program and sort of do it halfway. Ask I justsay sober for five, ten, fifteen, twenty years, twenty five years,thirty years. I can make believe I can do sort of like Alfeyou know what I mean, laugh at people and mock people that are talkingabout God. You know, I've say just put the plug in the Jug. I can talk about it. The first step is the only things Ican. I can hey, he's like a spiritual kindergarten. I can stayin kindergarten. I you can stay in kindergarten for fifteen years. Let metell you something. Unfortunately, and some people do it until the day theydie and they live lives of quiet desperation. They never they never get rocked inthe fourth dimension of existence. But that's okay because they settled. That'swhat the six stem is all about. The sixth step says this is thestep that separates the men out from the boys. So there must be aseparation or the book is lying. Or the book is lying. I meandon't believe this is in my opinion, this is the book. That isour program it says this is the step that separates them. Ment for thestep of separation. Member boy, are the men that give their entire lifeor the women give their entire life to focus on God, to get everydevective pare. You'll never get perfect, but you shoot for perfection. Youtalk about it. You're on a new base, the basis of trusting andrelying upon God. You know, just like it says the book, yourreal reliance must be on God. He will even show you how to createthe fellowship you crave. You know, see it with your relationship with himis right, and great events will come to be after you. The peoplethat buy into that shit, buy into that Shit, are serious, arenot scared to talk about it. And...

...the people that chastise people at Aafor talking about that stuff because they shouldn't talk about that. In alcoholics,anonymous is people that lived at the building a life upon the God thing andand to humble themselves, because it requires you to humble yourself, to humbleyourself to buy into something that you don't want. How about this to dosomething you don't want to do? How about this one? To do somethingyou don't want to do. How do you turn your will and your lifeover to God when you've made a decision that you're not going to do that? You know, on the seventh step it says you can even say youbelieve in God. You could say that bullshit. I believe in God andyet have a life that has nothing to do but you could say you believein God and live a godless life. Yeah, I'm spiritual, but notreligious. I understand what that means. Religious people are stupid. Religious peopleare dumb. I hate religion. I hate organized religion, even though itsays we lose all practice. You guys relationship. I'm just a spiritual person. Well, you got a different disease, and I have because I'll tell youabout my disease. I am far from spiritual. I live a life. I'll tell you. I've done it for Steven, a fist that.I've looked at my life, I've looked at who I am. Let metell you something. I am not spiritual. I am not. I am amaterial person and if I don't do a lot of stuff and give mylife to God, let me tell you something. I'm right back to keepingthe money and just running over you ragged, you know, to get what Iwant. I know exactly who I no, I'm not. I'm not. I'm spiritual. Are you kidding me? I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic. Anything decent you see in me today has nothing to do with me. Don't give me credit. The only thing I have credit for is becauseI start following this book and telling and trying to work it thoroughly and givenmy life over to God and doing the third step and the eleventh step andthe sixth step and the seventh step, the one that separates from men fromthe boys. I know what this deal is all about and I'm not scaredto talk about I guess that's one of the one of the truth of thematter is I understand why people who even believe this stuff are scared to talkabout an A. I understand why a's become the way it is. I'mnot putting it down. I'm sort of glad there's people in a that are, you know, think that a stand for atheism or at no, I'mso. It's fine with me. I don't care. You know, Imean it's I have no problem with that. I'm not trying to share, butI understand that there are people that may feel that what I'm saying iscorrect, but they're scared. Can you imagine? I want you to thinkabout this, in a today people are in the big book. All theydo is talk about God. They use the word God, they use higherpower led them, but they use Creator and God. Bill Wilson said theLord's been so wonderful me to rem stows. These got he talking about to doyou know an AA today? There are people in Aa, and youmaybe one of them, that are scared to talk about God and a meetings. Have you been scared to talk about God and a meetings? Have youbeen scared to talk about God in an a meeting and it's on the boardbecause you're scared, like one of these guys with fifteen years, one ofthese quote pseudo old times will come up to you and beat you up.You ever hear people mock people that talk about God a religion? You heara lot of God bashing, don't you? And here you think that's alcoholics.Anonymous. Alcoholics anonymous is we lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. We can see where religious people are right. We hang on to it. We have a six step where we have an open mind. You knowhow I know what alcohol I've read the book. I really you're in afellowship. Now where the where the material? The book tells you to do onething and the fellowship at ties tells you don't do that. Don't gothere. I'm not putting down, I'm just telling the truth. You know. And if hey, I hope it doesn't upset you, but if itdoes, you know, whatever you just started, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. You know how that works. You'll figureit out. But any even that's what the whole thing is about. Thewhole thing is about the fifth step is about. If it's about anything,it's about what it says in the twelve and twelve. It's like further humility. It's just one more thing of breaking you down. I put I puta quote in chat. Some you didn't see it, most of you did. It's quote from Psalms. It's a quote from Psalms. It's in chatand it's you know, it's part of and you know they stud and andthis is what and it says. It says it's from Psalm FI hundred andseventeen bold testament says my sacrifice of God is a broken spirit, a brokenin contrast, I heart you. God will not despise that. I mean, that's what God wants. God wants you on your knees asking for help. He wants you praying to him. That's what this thing is all.All these men, Bob Smith, Bill Wilson, they were men of prayer. They went to church, they humbled themselves before God. They wrote abook. They said God says central fact of our lives. They were intothis stuff. There were rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. They weredoing this deal. Read the book, read the stories, see what theywere talking about. You know, read Dr Bob the Hey. Read DrBob and the good old timers. They do that. Once you do that, this is all about humbling yourself. Yes, you know, I saidonce the real chief. It's one of...

...my mentors. I said, well, I don't like I don't like that. He said. I don't like that. He said, who gives a shit what you like? True,what that? What does that have to do with anything? I know whatyou like. You know. This has nothing to do with what you wantto do. There's nothing to do with what you like, what you want. You start telling me what you like. I know what they you have notturned your will and life over to care of God. You have notthe third step. You've done just bullshit. That's all you're doing, you know. And so I got to stop now because if I don't stop now, I'm going to say something that's going to get me kicked out of alcoholics. Anonymous because I know I've already probably broken a few rules and traditions,so God bless you. Thank you very much. I said for me.

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