AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 33 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 4

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

Oh that was fast. Hi,my name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. I'm from the Celticsta Groupof Miami, Florida. Haven't got nest every drink since January, two thousandand fift thanking eighty one, and it's great privilege to be here. SoI've got a little is there anybody here like for like the first time,you know, like they've never gone through one of my step series or anythinglike that, that kind of deal. Just, you know, raise yourhand or do something or throw something at the screen or let me know.Bill. Okay, Bill, you look like you could possibly handle it.Let me see who else? Do anybody else besides bill? Is Bill theonly one? Okay, well, I need to know. They haven't kickedme out yet. I've not gotten a letter, but it's only a matterof time. You know, the thing was recorded and it's only a matterof time before they find out. You know what I've been up to,and so I expect any second now they're going to give me the hook.But here's the deal. I think I've got a problem. I think I'llshare it with you. You know, confession is good for the soul andall that. I was. I I've had for sponsors, wonderful, wonderfulmen, wonderful wonderful man, and a mentor. For Sponsors and a mentor. And all my sponsors are dad, except for the last one, whostut forty five, forty six years, wonderful guy, and they all theyI had to get for because they you know how you say, you knowhow you talk about we be might temporary sponsor. Well, here's a clue. They're all temporary. They all died on me without permission. It wassad situation. But but they so warped me, they so warped me thatthey're like embedded in my brain, which is a good thing, because I'drather have their brain that my brain. My brain, my best thinking,as they used to say, got me into the seal. So one ofthe things that happened is in following these men around, is I think theythey might have hurt me, they might have done some damage to me,because I have this little bit of a problem. I'll share it with you. It's sort of like a caveat of warning. I had to sponsor namedJoe Snyder, who is a wonderful, wonderful guy and and I had alittle problem. Anybody here ever have a problem with resentments? I'm not talkingabout resentments against people that deserve to be resented. I'll talk about resentments againstthe assholes, you know, people that you know deserve to be killed,you know, because they're so stupid. You know, I kind of youever have that? So I had a little problem with resentments. You know, I came when I was thirty one, so I had a little problems ementtime, I know, for the first forty, fifty years of mylife or something, and I didn't realize it was a problem. You knowhow they say? You know they say about alcoholics. He says they can'tseparate the truth from a false. By the way, that's what we're talkingabout tonight. It's the fourth step. So we're going to say about toascertain, discern, meant we're going to talk about separating the truths from thefalse. They say the alcohol cannot separate and cannot separate the truth from thefalls. His alcoholic life seems the only normal one. So, as youknow, alcoholics are crazy. We're insane that we already cover that in asecond step. Right. You get restored. There's a power that will restore youto sanity and the reason what? Listen, here's the deal. Thisis not this, this is not my opinion. This is like big bookconfiens approved crap. Okay, what the book says? It says that thatthat we come to realize that there's a power grain ourselves that restores to sanity. So you cannot be restored to sanity unless you are insane. Okay,I'm just going to point that out to you a sort of logical some peoplemay not get it. Now, one of the problems is, you know, it says unless until in alcohol concepts is alcoholism and all its consequences issobrietal be precarious and of true happiness, they'll find none at all. Soone of the problems, is one of the consequences of my alcoholism is Icannot see how insane I am. I cannot see how insane I am,and it takes a lot of work. I can't see with this brain becauseto me, things that seem smart and logical and follow us the day followsthe night, see, it seems normal to me, and so I needguys like sponsors and steps and all sorts of stuff to understand how crazy Iam. And I've got. I'm in my forty year of sobriety and I'mlisten, I'm scratching the surface, you know what I mean? I'm scratchingthe surface on this Insan anything. There's a possibility that a few more yearsI might I might have this down.

So I'm going to I'll just dothe best I can to share with you what I've learned. This is,as they say in the Bible, this is what I've seen, this isI can I testify to what I have seen and my own life and whatI've seen in the life of the men that I've sponsored and the people aroundme. So you can believe it or not. You can take it orleave it. You know, that's up to you. I'm not here toconvince anybody, really I'm not. I've learned that. I've been married forthirty nine years. I've learned how not to try to convince anybody anything.Okay, I just shut up and I just I restrain my restraint of tongue. event. So I'm just going to tell you a little bit about mystory. When it comes to discernment, suffarating the truth from the false andthe insanity of the disease of alcoholism. So I had to sponsor named JoeSnyder, and he I once went up to him and I said to him, Joe, he had about twenty five years or something like that. WonderfulGuy died of EMPHASEEMA. He quit smoking after about ten years, ten tofifteen years, and then he died of Emphazema, like forty years down.They really stop the smoking thing. So in any end, but so onany that. So I asked them one day. I said, Joe,do you ever get resentments? And he looked at me and he said getthem, I give them. And I looked at them. I looked athim and I was like awe struck, my mouth hung because I could notI could not stand it if I thought somebody didn't like me. You know, I like that quote from Marlon Brando. If there's three hundred people in aparty and one doesn't like me, I got all leave, you know, I just I yeah, I kept on telling myself that I don't givea crap what other people think about I don't give a crap they think aboutI could give a crap what they think about me. But the truth ofthe matter is the only people say they don't give a crap what other peoplethink about. Was People that are always worried about what other people got tothink about them. And and that's the bottom line. I guess that's oneof the reasons I drink. I drank to be free of feeling bad aboutmyself because of what I thought other people are thinking about me, even though, by the way, they nobody was thinking about me. They were allthinking about themselves. But that has to do with discernment. That has todo with understanding what's actually real and what's fancied. What does it say thewrong doings of others, fancied or real? Well, the bottom line is isthat eighty percent time with me, the wrong doings brothers, or whatI thought they were doing wrong, was imaginary ship, because I took thingspersonally, because I thought the world revolved around me. So I'm going totell you a little story. So I'm going to say some things and youknow it. If it bothers you, well, I don't intentionally try tobother people. It just sort of like happens naturally. But if it bothersyou, remember the spiritual axiom, the ten steps. Spiritual Axiom comes outof the fourth step. Whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there'ssomething wrong with you. So if it bothers you, you actually onlysomebody because I'm giving you like a spiritual MRI. You understand. What I'msaying is you'll have to go back now and either drink over it or talkto your sponsor, do a fourth step and figure out why does that?Wow, I hate that Russell. I'm such a know it all. Youknow, who does he think he is? Okay, so here's the deal I'mgoing to I need to tell you in order to get into this fourthstep stuff. I need to talk to you two about Bannock Montana, andI think if you understand a little bit about thattic Montana and the one thousandeight hundred and sixty three gold rush, you'll understand anything you need to knowabout. Stay sober for forty years or maybe, if you want what Ihave. If you don't want what I have, you just turn it off. Don't listen to this. But if you want, if you want toadd rocking in the fourth dimension existing stuff. They talk about experiencing much of heaven, you know, all that new freedom stuff. You may want todie. It all has to do with bannock Montana eighteen sixty three. Idon't know what to tell you. You know that's the deal. And sohere's what happened in Bannock Montana in eighteen sixty three. How many people knowthis? It was the second largest gold rush in the history of the UnitedStates. This was after the gold Russian in and where was that? InCalifornia, and back Montana. Today is a ghost town, but back thenit was. There was some gold found and ten, tenzero people within ayear, like tenzero miners, rush to bannack Montana and it just grew very, very large. It eventually became Montana territory. It eventually became a state, bannock became the capital and then after about a year they switched it toVirginia City. A lot of people who grew up with bonanza you know,like I did. You know what Virginia City is, and that's a ghosttown now too, I think you know. But and that was bad. Butin order to understand a little bit about this disease and the solution ofthis disease, you got understand a little...

...bit about that Montana and you gotunderstand a little bit about the eighteen sixty three gold rush. So this isa true story, by the way. I Love I love true stories.That's why I say our stories disclosed in general way. So what happened isthe whole thing with bannock and how gold was discovered was there was gold upthere, but it was in the Black Hills, was crow territory. Youknow, miners will not allow to go up there and they would go upthere from time to time and risk being scalped and stuff, and on thisparticular occasion a whole bunch of miners, bunch of miners, went up tothe black hills in order to search for gold. And there were the sevenminers. I actually have their names in front of me. It was ThomasKover, Henry Edgar, Barney Hughes, William Fairweather, Henry Rogers and BillSweeney. That were they left, but they left late. They were trailingbehind the group of miners that went up to brack black hills and they gotcaptured by Indians. They got captured by Indians and the point is, aftera couple of days, six of them were allowed to leave and one guystayed. I think he was like a half breed or something. He's stayed, but six, six of them left. They didn't have any supplies and theyheaded back to bannock. And heading back to bannock they stopped in aplace called Alder's Gulch, also known. Next all just tols, was grasshoppercreek. And on Grasshopper Creek I think was William Fairweather or Henry Edgar,or both of them. They started they started prospecting. They saw some Rimrock. They started prospecting for the Rim Rock and within an hour they foundall sorts of nuggets of gold and they realized that they had hit a hugedeposit of gold in brick. That's Hopper Creek, which which I think wasabout sixty miles outside of Virginia City, north of Virginia City, and butthey didn't have any prospecting tools. And so they decided and they had towork the claim and if they didn't work the claim, they lose the claim. And so they decided that they were going to go back to Bannock Montana, get all the stuff that they you know, all the all the stuffthey needed, the prospecting stuff they needed, and they would meet by the oaktree outside the town and then go back and work the claim. Andthey made a solemn oath. They made a solemn oath that nobody would tellanybody about the claim because they didn't want the claim to be jumped to somebodyelse to follow them or get on top of the claim. You know,they had to work the claim, whatever it is. So they made thisalter they went up back to Bonnoch, meant bank montown. So when theywent back to Bannock Montana, now you can imagine they had just hit themother love. They had hit a huge deal. They quickly went in,they bought all these supplies and they all met at the old oak tree andthey looked behind them and they saw it. There were three hundred miners following them. So they realize that somebody had stilled the beans, somebody had talked. So when the head of the guy who is leading and threaded miners gotup to him, they asked them this question. They said they said whotalked? Who talked? Who told you? And the guy said nobody told usanything. He said is when he said. He said we could seeit in your eyes. We could see it in your eyes. We knewyou had hit the mother lode. We knew you had hit the mother lode. They could not hide what had happened to them. It was written allover their faces. The reason I'm sober today is because the only thing I'vebeen doing is hanging out with and following the miners. I've been following theminers for forty years. Bill Wilson, Bob was it, but Bill Dotsonand alcoholics anonymous number three, who was sober. You know, there's millionsof people sober and alcoholics anonymous. Most of the people in alcoholics anonymous aresober. I don't want what they have, really don't. I really don't.I'm not saying that because I'm being cocky or anything. I'm just tellingyou. I came in. I remember that. Bill Dootson says it's inthe book. You can check it out. All some thombers three. He wassober and he looked around alcoholics anonymous and he said he knew there wassomething more. He knew there was something more, a release, happiness,something a person ort to have. I was trying to find the answer.He saw it in Bill Wilson, he saw it in Dr Bob and oneday Bill Wilson was having lunch at his...

...house and he looked at it.Bill Wilson he was trying to figure out the answer, trying to figure outwhy they what they had, this thing that he couldn't touch, but hecould see it in Bill Wilson. And Build Wilson said this to his wife, build Dotson's wife, whose name was Henry, and he said, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terribledisease that I got to keep talking about and telling other people. I'm soexcited, he says, I got to keep talking about it. You know, he saved my life. And Build Dotson says in his story, hesays I got the answer and called the golden text. He said Bill Wilsonwas excited and happy and grateful for his for what God had done for himand curing him of this disease, and he gave all credit to the Lord, all credit to God, and so he followed Bill Wilson around. Andthe truth of the matter is, whether I believed in God or whether Idon't, didn't believe in God or whatever the health. The deal is.The truth is I came to Daya and I wanted what they had, whoeverthey were. He says, if you want what we have, are willinggo to any lengths to get then you're ready to take you're not even readyto take the steps unless you want we have and I developed a week.I developed a group of people and I guess that was my first higher power. My first high power was was Bob Sullivan, my first sponsor. Thatwas my first higher power. Next, my group was my higher power.That's Joe Schneider was my higher power. Next, real keep was my higherpower and I kept on developing these people who I wanted. Oh, Idon't know what happened, but my my screen just went off. Can youguys hear me? Yes, we can hear and see you. My screenjust died, but I don't know what that is. But anyway, Iknow what happened. But I kept on following people. They kept on tellingme crazy my sponsors told me crazy stuff, crazy stuff. I told my firstsponsor about solvent. I was broke, I had no money, I wasgoing to be evicted from my house, my wife and kid, and helooked at me with that all knowing look and he says, I understand, I know what the answer is. He I said what he says.You need to start making coffee for the group and and he I know hewas crazy. I knew that didn't make any sense, but I followed himover to the Coffee Pot and I started making coffee and I was confronted withit because I wanted what he had. I wanted what he had and Ikept on following these people and one of the things that happened. So whydid it? Why did I do the F step? Why did you dothe fifth step, the seventh step, whatever hell it is? Because thepeople I hung out with, the miners, who were not they were not justphysically sober. Leave me. I know a lot of guys. Ihave a lot of guys have got thirty, forty years sobriety. When somebody hasforty years sobriety and he says that guy's sober, they need they meanmore than just not drinking. They need more than just belonging to the notdrinking club. There's two AA's. There's the not drinking club and most peoplebelong to the not drinking club. there. How you doing? I'm hang inthere, hanging in there, buddy, one day at a time, youknow, trudging that road. And there's there's a whole other club.It's called rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, experiencing much of heaven.It's true. It's either true or big book as a liar, and youmight as well throw it in the garbage. And I'll tell you some for manyyears I thought would never happen to me. Nine Years Sober, I'mtrying to figure out what am I going to have these permanent promises? Whatam I going to be rocking in the fourth dimensions? Just when is itgoing to happen to me? I'm working like a son of a bitch.I'm sponsoring everything that moves. I'm doing all sorts of service. You know, I'm in a group banquet chairman two years in a row. I'm doingeverything that can possibly done. I'm working these steps like a son of abitch and I'm still an anxious, crazy son of a I'm doing step meetings, I'm speaking a combat it doesn't matter. I'm still nuts. When is itgoing to happen to me? You know, are they lying to me? That's gonna Happen to me when God decides it's going to happen to me. It's not in my it's not my deal. I don't walk through thedesert believe it not, guys, every have seconds my screen goes off,but you see say you could see me, so I'm not going to worry toomuch about it. In any even so, in avent so there camea time I did the fourth step, talk about the actual step itself.I used to, when I used to do these things early on. WhatI basically did was I said this is how you do the fourth step.You don't have to have me tell you how to do the fourth step.You have a sponsor. They'll tell you how to do the fourth step orthe ten step in the book. You're in the book. If you knew, let me take some there is a chart in the book. I meanthere is a chart in the book. That's how I did it. Eventually, when I did it, I opened up the chart in the book andI did it. I did it with...

...the three columns I resent. ThenI did it with the fourth list. Forget about what they did. We'rewhere. Was I to blame? And I did it with a sexual thatI just followed the chart and I read the book. You can do it. It took me. took me it took me a year and a halfand two hours to do the fourth step. Okay, a year and a halftalking about it, a year and a half collection about it, sayingI really got to do this thing, I don't know how to do it, and then some guy said, pick up a pencil, take the bigbook and just do it. Start writing. And it took me two hours andI did my fourth step and it was probably the worst fourth step andthe history of mankind. But I'll tell you what, it was the bestfourth step I could do that night. You want to and apparently it workedand the week later I did another one, a different one. Some things Ileft out and I've been doing it, so it ain't no big deal.Just do it, okay. But I want to talk about some thingbehind the force step, why the fourth step is so important. I wantto talk about the insanity of alcoholism. I want to talk about the worddiscernment, because it says we're selfish and we're self centered and we're driven bya hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion. Selfdelusion, by the way, meansyou're deluded. Selfdelusion means you're deluded. That's what it means. We're drivenby a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion and selfseeking. We step on toesof others, may retaliate, usually without provocation, but we begin to seethat we've made decisions based upon self which put us in a position to beearth. So it's in other words, another words, we are deluded.We are living a life where we can't separate the truth from the falls.We're insane, we're doing insane things, we're living in an insane way,way, hanging around usually insane people, and we can understand what's going onand it seems absolutely as insane as we are. It seems normal to us, and we get a glimpse of the fact that maybe, maybe, somehow, our decisions based upon this insanity has put us in a position to havea prummy life. And it says then, it says, but the alcoholic isself will run riot, though we usually doesn't think so. So PartApostle disease is that we are blind, using our own brain, to whatthe problem is. And how do you get rid of selfishness and selfcenteredness?How how do you see what the problem is if you can't see the problem? If you cannot see the problem and let me tell you something. Youmay get a glimpse of the problem. You may see the fourth step andgetting glimpse of Brom but I'll tell you a little news. I've been workingfor forty years and I've just got glimpses. I think I had a few glimpsesof the fourth step, probably after a couple of ten step after repeatedwhat does it say in the book? You know, we get a newperspective. I. Repeated Humiliations over a lifetime, repeated humiliations and the finalquestion of our selfsufficiency. If there's one thing I've learned about this deal isthat is that the first step where you get crushed and you become ready tohave God removed. The alcoholism is in the only crushian and alcoholics, anonymous, is repeated Humili as a matter of fact, we learned the value ofsuffering. That's that's that's not my opinion. It's my opinion based upon what thishappened to me, but it's right out of the big book and outof the Twelve and twelve. We learn the value repeated humiliations, repeated humiliationsover a lifetime and we finally get to the point. Hopefully some of usget to the point where we want more than mere sobriety, and then webecome entirely ready to have God remove everything and to to give our lives tohim, just just give the whole thing in. And then that separates themen from the boys. It's called the sixth step and it says, itsays the man who's doing the six step is until then called a man who'strying to grow in the image and likeness of his creator. He doesn't settlefrom your sobriety. He doesn't settle for just giving up the pornography or givenup the whatever the heck. You See. He doesn't settle for just the todoing. Okay, he doesn't sound, but he's constantly trying to grow inthe image and like the Super Creator and he's constantly trying to get closerand develop by conscious contact with God. And I got to tell you something. For me to do it, I got to find more minors. Ihave to find the next minor and then find the next minor and the nextmonth. I got I'm always on the lookout for the man who has somethingI don't have, that I don't even understand, but I want what hehas. I can never quite get to the next level. In alcoholics anonymous, it's easy to rest on the laurels, it's easy to settle. That's whatthe sixtepisode. I can never quite get to the next level. Onmy own a bill. As a matter of fact, my tendency is toball, is to relax at twenty years, at fifteen years, at ten years, at Thirty Hey, at thirty nine years, like tendency is tobalk and relax and sort of like settle.

This is okay, is good enoughfor me. This is fine. I don't need more. And I'vegot to constantly look ahead of the game. The road gets narrower for the nextperson who I wish I could have what he has so they can likepull me along and let me see things that maybe I have I would neverbe able to see. Half the time I don't even understand what they haveor why they have it. I just have to hang around them and hopeI get it from like Osmosis or something. So I want to talk a littlebit about the sermon. I'm going to read you a couple things.You know and and and listen. It's it's so easy to stop this thingand rest on your laurels. Why is the sermon? I'm going to readyou a couple things about I'm listen. I graduated with Department of the HonorsMathematics. I was going for a PhD in Algebraic topology. I went tolaw school, graduated law school to Du became a division chief of the state'sAttorney's office. I knew I was smarter than anybody in the room. Iknew was I was trying murder cases when I was twenty five years old.Try Twenty, Oh, you know, between twenty five and thirty. Iknew I was the smartest guy in the room. And I'm an alcoholics I'marrogant and defiant, you know, and so nobody was going to tell meanything. And so I came into alcoholics anonymous, a beaten man, abeaten man, I thought my life was over. It was never going tobe better again. I thought I was beating that and I should have beensponsored by Albert Einstein. Were Jesus Christ, they weren't available, and so theyhook me up with a used car salesman from Chicago named Bob Sullivan,who didn't even graduate the sixth grade, but he had something I wanted.So I hung out with him and I did what he told me to do, even though he was, between you and me, crazy. He wascrazy, but he had like fifteen to twenty years and one time Bob sawOlivin was in my office and said this to me. This is what hesaid to me. This is what he said to the guy who was goingfor his PhD in Algebraic topology and had a law degreet. He said,Russell, you know as much about life as a dog knows about his father. And I sat there and I was thirty three years old, thirty twoor thirty three years old. I've been practicing law for years, I hadall those degrees on the walls, and he said you know as much aboutlife as a dog knows about his father. And I swear to God I hadno idea what he was talking about. I mean I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know because it all in my entire life. I hadnever had any but I had never had anybody say something like that to me. I never even heard that said to anybody in my presence. So Isat there and I started picturing what he was trying to talk and I wouldpit, and this is a truth, I'm not making this up. ThisI pictured a doggy family. Well, you know the RCA. I don'tknow that. Don't have it now. You have to be a little bitolder my age. Maybe RCA used to have a logo where would have adog looking at a speaker. You know, I mean a dog had like alittle patch out his eye. And I pictured that doggy family. Itwas like a doggy father and a doggy mother and doggy kids, puppies,I guess. You know, because I was trying to get what he wassaying. You know as much about life as a dog knows about his father, and I'm looking at the father with the little puppies, and then Irealized a dog doesn't know his father. So because I thought maybe he wasmaybe he was complimenting me, Oh Lord Jesus. So the bottom line isis that's how bad it was, you know. And so he was tryingto tell me I knew everything, but but that's all I knew. Ididn't know the important stuff. I didn't know how to be stay married forthirty nine years. I didn't know how to shut my mouth, I didn'tknow. I didn't know the stuff. I'll tell you what I didn't know. I didn't know what I didn't know. I lived at a little box,a little box, and inside that box was everything I knew and areoutside the box was everything I didn't know, and there was a hell of alot of more outside the box than there was inside the bus. Oneday somebody thrust in a big book of alcoholics, anonymous inside the box,and my box grew a little bit bigger. But you wanted something. Everything inthat book and everything I learned in that book was still I still knewless than what was outside the box. I had to keep on trying toexpand that box. It's the maintenance and growth of a spiritual condition. SoI want to read a couple. By the way, this is the doctorbottle, the good old timers. I'm going to read a couple of thingsfrom a real fast you got. So I want you to understand. Youknow, in one thousand nine hundred and thirty five a was started. Innineteen thirty some of you guys know what I'm going to say, but innineteen thirty five a was started. In one thousand nine hundred and thirty ninethey published the big book, the Big Book says this line in it.Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Itsaid it every meeting. This is the...

...line again, just in case youmissed it. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed ourpath, which I believe means is worth Smith. If you do what wedid thoroughly, you will get what we got. Okay, can I getan amen on that? You do. It does not mean do whatever thehell you want to do and you'll get what we got. Says if youdo what we did, you'll get what we got. And here's what theygot. They got rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence and they experience muchof heaven. And you, I'm sure you guys go to a lot ofa meetings like I do, and there's a lot of people sober. Well, you know some sobriety is the easiest thing. Physical Sobriety is easy.I just say that's a little piss somebody off. You know, so yougot. You might have a few guys, you know, plug with jug stuff. They don't want to talk about emotional sobriety. Just don't drink.Everything is wonderful. Of course not. Drinking is important, but the bottomline is everybody that comes to a a, I don't know what it's everybody,almost everybody comes a gets physically sober. They get physically sober for a week, they get so physically sober for a month, they gets physically soberfor ten years or fifteen years or twenty years. It's easy. The physicalsobriety is the first thing that goes. That little touch, that little nuggetof God, that little hope, that little whatever wants what we have willget your physically sober. Just hanging around a room to get your physically soyou know, just drinking, caught, just going to a like you usedto go to the bar instead of drinking Scott's, drinking coffee, will keepyour physically sober for a few months or a few years. But that's notthe same thing as being rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. And youwant, you want to know why you see it. Physically sober's easiest thing, because physically sober is not even the disease. It's not the disease.You know why? Because I read the Big Book and it says it saysto drinking is but a symptom of the disease. The real disease centers inyour mind, not your body. And I don't know what kind of alcoholismyou have, but I have the grave emotional and mental disorder. Time Igot the serious, the serious deal and the and and that deal, thatdisease. That is why are they talking about me? Why is this happeningto me? What's going to happen to me? The disease that comes linkedwith the anxiety and the depression and the loneliness and the feeling separate and theand the and the comparing your inside with other people's outsides and worried about what'sgoing to happen to you. The disease that has fiftyzero voices your mind,all bad shit about yourself and other people. The disease that wakes you over atthree o'clock in the morning. That disease, the disease that tells you, in the shower where you're lading off lattery up, you're an idiot andyou want to kill yourself, you knowing the ten years sober. The diseasethat keeps on telling you bad shit about yourself and other people. That disease. Let me tell you something that disease doesn't go real quickly. That diseasefight stoff. That is the disease and at that hangs on, leaving upspunks or a lot of guys that got twenty five years, twenty years,thirty years. I know about that disease and I want that hands out andI got to say some whatever higher power you need, let me tell some. I came in here loaded with higher powers. goodlooking blond, goodlooking redhead, Goodlook at Brunette, higher power. Car, Nice car, higher power, money, higher power. I got more higher powers that are closed tome to whore myself and just get rid of my integrity. And do Ispend more money. I didn't have to buy shit. I didn't need toimpress you or some Gal. Then you can possibly imagine. I got tonsof higher powers that tempt me to do stupid things and then, six monthslater, on saying why did I do that? Why did I get involvedin this relationship? Why did I do that? I didn't need a higherpower, I need the highest power. I need a power greater than allthe higher powers on this planet, because I lust and fall in love witheverything on this plant. All I do is look at things that's what itsays in the sixth and seventh step. Money, power, romance and prestige. He says, we're not going to deprecate it. You just got toknow that if you're running up that Shit, you've got to die. That's basicallywhat it says. You know. That's basically what it says in ChapterGnostics, if I may, a mere code of morals, better philosophy oflife, but helped us we be's overall along ago. Does it help us? We don't have the power. We don't have the power. We don'thave the power to stop you from shacking up with that Gal that's going tokill you. We don't have the power to stop you from drinking because youlost your job. We don't have the power over that sort there is.That's why we didn't have the power. We had a lack of power.You may have a not lat on, not power to stop drinking. Youdon't have enough power to stop worrying. You'n'T have enough power to stop thinking. You don't have enough power to stop waking up at three o'clock the morning. You don't have enough potent. You don't have enough power to not liveup a life of quiet desperation. That's why we wrote a book. We'regoing to talk about God, and that's where alcohols get pissed off. That'swhere they get upset because they don't want to lose control and they're scared.It's a different thing and it's crazy and they can't see it. That's whenyou got to link up with somebody like a Bob Sullivan or a Joe Snyder, a real key for somebody along the road that will sort of take yourhand and kick your ass into the deal. You got to want what they haveand that's the deal. So the bottom line is, let me talkabout discernment and why it's so important.

I'm going to read a couple soany of it. I'm starting to here's the here' stock bottom of it oldtimes. This book basically tells what they were doing between you know, whenthey say really, I would see a person of bills thoroughly followed up at. This is what they were doing. Okay, this is some of thethings they were doing. I'm just going to read two things because it's goingto set up why I'm reading the other stuff. What I find, bythe way, is nobody reads this stuff. I don't want to say nobody.Don't be a couple people. What I found? What I found Istarted reading this stuff at around eleven, twelve years sobriety. And the reasonI start reading it and studying eleven, twelve years sobriety because I wanted more. I wanted more. It said, really, I've seen a person billsthoroughly followed our path. I wanted more and so I started reading this stuff. This is on page nine, only six. This is what they weredoing. Hey, they were doing a lot of stuff. They were gettingkeep down on their knees before they go to a meeting. There were alot of stuff they were doing. But here's based ninety six. Dr Bob, noting that there were no twelve steps at the time and that our storiesdidn't amount to anything to speak of. Later said they were convinced. Theywere convinced that the answer to their problems were in the good book. We'rein the Bible. To some of US older ones, the parts that wefound absolutely essential. Now, this isn't my writing, this is conference improvedmaterial. These are the founders of alcoholics, anonymous. These are the thorow thingsthey were doing. These are the old timers and alcoholics. Anonymous issays, and this is the term they use to some of US older ones, the parts we found absolutely essential. Now you guys look like you're prettysharp. You know the word essential means. It means essential. You know whatabsolutely essential means? It means. I don't know. It means likereally essential. What the we found absolutely central worth sermon on the Mount.That's Matthew, five, six and seven, the thirteen chapter, First Corinthians.That's the love chapter, and the Book of James and we were almostcalled the James Club. And the last thing I'm going to read you fromthis book. As it says, there is no record of what happened thatthe first meeting, except for a great find account leaders later noting that andwas led by Dr Bob, who put his foot on the wrong of adining room chair, identified himself as an alcohol and began reading, reading thesermon on the Mount. So all I can tell you is that's what itsays in our material and that's what I start going to the books. Istarted studying. I started studying those books because that's what they said. We'reabsolutely essential and I wanted more. You can do whatever and hell you wantto do. I'm not going to try to talk into anything. I'm Hey, I'm just reporting. I'm just reporting to you. Know, you canjust throw this stuff away and you just wait until your two thousand and twentyfive years sober and your if your thumbsucking crybaby and things aren't going well,you can think back, as I remember this crazy guy that was saying allsorts of stuff. Thought he was nuts. Okay, so here we go.Let me read a couple things out of the steel about discernment and whatI'd like you to do if you can, as I'm reading this stuff and youthink the terms of the fourth step, where we start listing stuff, whenwe start learning about our stuff, in the fifth step, where westart learning about our stuff and the problems, in the trials we go through,whereas it says in the big book, the way we get a new perspectiveis by repeated humiliations, in the final crushing of our self sufficiency,and the spiritual fourth in tens of Acium, that whenever the disturb no matter whatthe cause, is something wrong with us. Let me tell you something. The fourth step and the fifth step are the beginning of the deal.You get glimpses, glimpses into how crazy you are, how wrong you were. I walked in the fourth step thinking I was a victim. I walkedout realizing I was a victimizer. I walked out feeling I walked in feelingsorry for myself. I walked out feeling sorry for the people that hung aroundit. But even that wasn't enough, because for the next ten, twentythirty years I had to go through repeated humiliations and the final crushing of myself. Sufficiency and ten step apology at the tense step of Aology and amend'safter amend's to keep on grinding out and focusing in and fine tuning. HowI was still selfish, how I was still selfset. Every time you gothrough crap, you know the crab we complain about. It meanings every timeyou go through anything in your life that bothers you, disturbs you, creepsyou out, gets you fearful. This is your for somebody, you knowwhat I mean. All the gods trying to tell you is more work tobe done on your part, opportunity to grow. You don't really understand howcrazy you are. This is going to help you out. It hurts memore than it hurts you. You got to get that. That's how welearn, that's how we continue to learn what we are. So how importantis this discernment? Well, let me...

...say it says. I love thisline. This is by t s Elliott. It says we will not cease fromexploration and in the end of all our exploring will be to arrive wherewe started and know the place for the first time. I can't tell youhow many times I've R at the been, how many times I'm in the lastforty years I've had these epiphanies, these little like pretio. An epiphanyis all of some like seems like in a second. All of a suddenyou see something for the first time and it's like amazing. You read aline in the book that you read a thousand times, it meant nothing toyou, and all of a sudden you read it in the big book andit means everything to you. It's a salute you, and it's usually notbecause of heavy duty thinking, it's usually not because you figured something out.It's usually because of some something knock you, a sort of events, some ordinaryhappening, something happens in your life and all of a sudden a lightbulb goes on because it has nothing to do with you and have something todo with God or something to do that's been planted inside you, and allof a sudden is time for you to see the deal. And it's soright. We will not cease from exploration. In the end of all our exploring, we arrived at the place where we started, having known the placefor the first time. So here I am, you know, forty yearsinto my forty year and I'm starting to learn a little bit about me,a little bit about what's going on in me, and I got so muchmore to learn. In second grift and it says Godly sorrow brings repentance thatleads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. Godlysorrow, well, worldly sorrow is selfpity. And let me tell you something.I'm not only an alcohol kind of self video, all it. I'ma guy who loves to feel sorry for himself. I walked in here aself video. I I was just looking for something feel sorry myself without.And Godly sorrow is something I had to go through and something I had toget and that is not feeling sorry for you, for yourself, because ofsomething happened to you. That was at thirty one years of age, whenDecember twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, in my in mybachelor pad, where I got down on my knees because I felt ashamed aboutmyself. There's a big difference between feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like you'rea victim and be ashamed of what what you what you've become, big differencethan being ashamed of what you become. And I was ashamed. I wasashamed and I got down on my knees and I stopped coming to my life, you know, and that was the deal. That was a big difference. Another words, being ashamed of what would become. Understanding and discerning whoyou are and what you are and the things you've done and what you've donewith your life and what you're doing with your life is the first the firststep in getting out of jail for me is knowing you're a jail in thefirst place. My spot my response and told me that he said, Russthe first step and getting out of jail as you got to know you're injail in the first place. If you don't know you're in jail, youcan't get out. You can tell me how sober you are. You cantell me how you haven't had a drink in twenty years. You're cheating onmy wife. As far as I've concerned, you're not sober. They're not sober. Don't tell me you're sober. You know I don't have whatever yougot. I don't want whatever, whatever is going on, I'm not goingto pack you on the back and say all that sort of stuff. Youcould tell me all sorts of things about yourself, about how well you're doing. You can give me this crap, I'll get off my back. Ihaven't had a drink. I don't even want to drink. That kind ofstuff. That doesn't tell me what the deal is. Don't get me wrong, not drinking is important and the here it is those who do not recover, those who do not recover our people, who cannot or will not completely givethemselves to this simple program. You'll ever hear that? You ever hearthat? Is it ever right over there, wherever you are, those who donot recover our people, who cannot or will not completely give them somethingsimple program by the way, these are men and women who are constitutionally incapableof being honest with themselves. You think the sermon is important. You thinkit's important to be honest with yourself. How important you think it is toget honest with yourself? How does an alcoholic whose brain is diseased, who'sinsane, who wants to blame everybody, who thinks he's always right, whowants to defend himself all the time? You know, how does an alcoholichave the capability of being honest with themselves? Well, I guess you got tofind yourself a good sponsor that will hurt your feelings. Maybe hurt yourfeeling sometimes, maybe, sometimes, packed on the back, but not bescared of, you know, not be scared of maybe even hurting you.You know, it's sort of like bring it down a notch so you'll seesomething. There are such by the way, there are such unfortunates. You know, if you're wondering, they are not in fault. They seemed abit more than they they're incapable of grasping the development manner of living which demandsrigorous honesty. A manner of living which demands rigorous honesty, not the bullshithonesty, not the not to get off...

...my back, I'm not drinking.Honesty, not the not to what I don't want to hear, but thatGod stuff. Honesty, not not. You know that Banda I mean.I mean the real deal. Some of US have tried to hold on toour old ideas and the result was don't so we let go absolutely. Howdo you let go of those old ideas? You got a sponsor who, whenyou tell them you got no money and you need help, he says, I think it's about time you made coffee for the group. You geta sponsor that, when you try to talk to them about their life andthe things are important, he tells you crazy stuff and to do it,and you go ahead and do it. You become obedient. You become obedienteven though it makes no sense to you, because no matter how far along theroad you are, you realize that you're missing something like go dots andsaid, I knew there was something more, and you want what he has.You know, that's the deal. We made a search and fearless.Moral Inventory says here. When I was a child, you talk about thelove chapter. When I was a child, I talked like a child. Ithought like the Child. I reason like the child. This is thestuff they were studying in one thous nineteen, thirty seven, thirty eight, thirtynine. When I became a man, I put the ways of child's ofthe childhood, behind me. For now we see only reflection in themirror. We see through a glass darkly. We see through a glass darkly.Then we shall see facetoface. Now I know in part. Then Ishall know fully, even as fully as I've known. How many times doyou think I've been told in my lifetime of sponsoring people? How many times? I know we got some oldsters here. How many times were you ever toldby people you sponsor look at you straight in the eye, sober,ten, fifteen years? How many times have they said to you you don'tunderstand. Have you ever had anybody who's got, you know, two,three, four years, five years, ten years, fifteen years, who'sinsane and they ask for help, or maybe they intimate they might want help, and you give them the answer, you give them the best dancers,you can possibly give them the answer, which is the answer, and theylook at you and they say you don't understand. Good, because then youget a glimpse into how crazy we are, even if we get ten, fifteenyears. What they're really trying to say is, I don't really carewhat you understand it or not. I ain't doing it because you want toknow something. I ain't looking to grow in the image like this, inmy creator, and I don't want what you have. I just want youto tell me something so I can feel good about the shit that's going onanyway. And I because I don't want to change and I don't want togrow up and I want to stay a thumb sucking cry baby. So Idon't know what you're saying or not, but I know I ain't going todo I ain't going to church. I'm sorry, I don't care if thebig book says. I don't care what the big book says. We encouragechurch membership. We say you're going to hang out that because he has tomake the need central factor your life. So you make sure you hang outwith as many people who can that are talking about God, even if youthink their immigrants. I'm not going to do it because I don't want todo that deal. And then they cite you shit in the big book thatthey think you know, even though it says the big book on two differentpages. We encourage church membership. Most of us do that, but youdon't have to do that. You know what it said, but they focusin and you don't have to do that. They don't focus that fell Wilson wasdoing it, or Bob Smith was do it, or most of peopleneighbor doing it, or that they even say the book we encourage it.They don't focus on the fact we lose prejudice, even against organized religion.We begin to see with those people are right. We try to use whatthey never focus on. That they focus on the one line they could focuson. That gives them to the out. You're looking for the bluebells. Itsays, I don't have to do it. I said, you know, you don't have to do it. You don't have to do it.Hey, you want to Su you don't have to stop fool around in yourlife. Doesn't say anything like that. It just talks about being constitutionally incapable, being an honest with yourself. You don't have to do a lot.Hey, let me tell you something. They made this big book so easy, so easy, so light, so it's not to hurt your feelings.You don't have to do anything. You know something. You don't have todo the sixth step. I know it says in the six step, butyou don't have to give your life entirely over to God. You don't haveto make him the central fact of your life. You don't have to makeGod the central fact of your life. You don't have to be convinced inyour heart that he lives in Heart in a way which is the miraculous he'sdon't feel what. He can't do that. You don't have to do any ofthat stuff. You don't have to sponsor people, you have to doany of that stuff. But don't whine and cry when you're not rocking inthe fourth dimension of existence. Don't whine and cry when you're not thoroughly followingwhat they did. Don't come up to me and say why is it workingfor me and for God? And don't come up to me and say thingslike well, I don't know why I drank. Don't come up to meand tell me you're really going to do it this time, this time,you're really going to do the fourth step in the fifth step this this time, just to make me or yourself feel better. You know what I mean. I mean I want to hear that stuff. I want to see whatyou do. You know, and I'm...

...the perfect I let me tell you. I'm a rationalizer. I tell myself rationalized to excuse my bullshit. Andwhat I have to do is I the fourth step. Let me tell yousomething I walked to do in the fourth step. I listen. With allmy learning, I kept on telling myself, I don't know how to do this. How am I going to do this? How am I going todo this? All I had to do was a chart in the book.I'll day. I had to get some guy had actually tell me. Iwas doing calculus on manifolds when I was eighteen years old. I was doingmultivariable calculust when I was nineteen years old. You know, some guy had atell me when I some and I was reading the big I read thebig but several times I underwineded. Some guy had to say to me pickup a pencil and get a piece of paper and go start with the charts. And I went home and I just only shit. Where did that comefrom? You know what I mean. That's how brilliant I am. That'show that's how much this alcoholism can blind you, but I'll tell you,when you start seeing stuff, when start stuff starts getting revealed to you,revealed to you, magic happens. Magic happens and then you get to tellfor some creating, get the skill, your guts to somebody, and that'sa whole nother story that we're going to talk about next week. But youreally want to get into this force that it's only the beginning. Believe me. You don't want to go to the bank with the a banquet and walkaway with a ham sandwich. You want to go for the lobster, thewhole bit. You want to find out, you want to you want to pickyourself apart and find out all of it. Listen, you're either goingto be finding out all about yourself and escaping that bondage with all the othercraft that's bothering you, or your your let me tell you, some somebodygets away with anything in this deal, or you're going to live. It'sgoing to be a tough deal for you. You may not drink, you mayjust live with you, hey, you may not drink, you maybe picking up your your twenty year medallion, you know, but I'll tell you, it's going to come out. Nobody gets away with anything. There'syou know, there's there's you could drink, or you can just live up athumbsucking cry baby like you know what I mean. But if you wantwhat they had, you got to do what they did. So thank youvery much.

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