AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 33 · 2 years ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 4

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

Oh that was fast. Hi, my name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. I'm from the Celticsta Group of Miami, Florida. Haven't got nest every drink since January, two thousand and fift thanking eighty one, and it's great privilege to be here. So I've got a little is there anybody here like for like the first time, you know, like they've never gone through one of my step series or anything like that, that kind of deal. Just, you know, raise your hand or do something or throw something at the screen or let me know. Bill. Okay, Bill, you look like you could possibly handle it. Let me see who else? Do anybody else besides bill? Is Bill the only one? Okay, well, I need to know. They haven't kicked me out yet. I've not gotten a letter, but it's only a matter of time. You know, the thing was recorded and it's only a matter of time before they find out. You know what I've been up to, and so I expect any second now they're going to give me the hook. But here's the deal. I think I've got a problem. I think I'll share it with you. You know, confession is good for the soul and all that. I was. I I've had for sponsors, wonderful, wonderful men, wonderful wonderful man, and a mentor. For Sponsors and a mentor. And all my sponsors are dad, except for the last one, who stut forty five, forty six years, wonderful guy, and they all they I had to get for because they you know how you say, you know how you talk about we be might temporary sponsor. Well, here's a clue. They're all temporary. They all died on me without permission. It was sad situation. But but they so warped me, they so warped me that they're like embedded in my brain, which is a good thing, because I'd rather have their brain that my brain. My brain, my best thinking, as they used to say, got me into the seal. So one of the things that happened is in following these men around, is I think they they might have hurt me, they might have done some damage to me, because I have this little bit of a problem. I'll share it with you. It's sort of like a caveat of warning. I had to sponsor named Joe Snyder, who is a wonderful, wonderful guy and and I had a little problem. Anybody here ever have a problem with resentments? I'm not talking about resentments against people that deserve to be resented. I'll talk about resentments against the assholes, you know, people that you know deserve to be killed, you know, because they're so stupid. You know, I kind of you ever have that? So I had a little problem with resentments. You know, I came when I was thirty one, so I had a little problems ement time, I know, for the first forty, fifty years of my life or something, and I didn't realize it was a problem. You know how they say? You know they say about alcoholics. He says they can't separate the truth from a false. By the way, that's what we're talking about tonight. It's the fourth step. So we're going to say about to ascertain, discern, meant we're going to talk about separating the truths from the false. They say the alcohol cannot separate and cannot separate the truth from the falls. His alcoholic life seems the only normal one. So, as you know, alcoholics are crazy. We're insane that we already cover that in a second step. Right. You get restored. There's a power that will restore you to sanity and the reason what? Listen, here's the deal. This is not this, this is not my opinion. This is like big book confiens approved crap. Okay, what the book says? It says that that that we come to realize that there's a power grain ourselves that restores to sanity. So you cannot be restored to sanity unless you are insane. Okay, I'm just going to point that out to you a sort of logical some people may not get it. Now, one of the problems is, you know, it says unless until in alcohol concepts is alcoholism and all its consequences is sobrietal be precarious and of true happiness, they'll find none at all. So one of the problems, is one of the consequences of my alcoholism is I cannot see how insane I am. I cannot see how insane I am, and it takes a lot of work. I can't see with this brain because to me, things that seem smart and logical and follow us the day follows the night, see, it seems normal to me, and so I need guys like sponsors and steps and all sorts of stuff to understand how crazy I am. And I've got. I'm in my forty year of sobriety and I'm listen, I'm scratching the surface, you know what I mean? I'm scratching the surface on this Insan anything. There's a possibility that a few more years I might I might have this down.

So I'm going to I'll just do the best I can to share with you what I've learned. This is, as they say in the Bible, this is what I've seen, this is I can I testify to what I have seen and my own life and what I've seen in the life of the men that I've sponsored and the people around me. So you can believe it or not. You can take it or leave it. You know, that's up to you. I'm not here to convince anybody, really I'm not. I've learned that. I've been married for thirty nine years. I've learned how not to try to convince anybody anything. Okay, I just shut up and I just I restrain my restraint of tongue. event. So I'm just going to tell you a little bit about my story. When it comes to discernment, suffarating the truth from the false and the insanity of the disease of alcoholism. So I had to sponsor named Joe Snyder, and he I once went up to him and I said to him, Joe, he had about twenty five years or something like that. Wonderful Guy died of EMPHASEEMA. He quit smoking after about ten years, ten to fifteen years, and then he died of Emphazema, like forty years down. They really stop the smoking thing. So in any end, but so on any that. So I asked them one day. I said, Joe, do you ever get resentments? And he looked at me and he said get them, I give them. And I looked at them. I looked at him and I was like awe struck, my mouth hung because I could not I could not stand it if I thought somebody didn't like me. You know, I like that quote from Marlon Brando. If there's three hundred people in a party and one doesn't like me, I got all leave, you know, I just I yeah, I kept on telling myself that I don't give a crap what other people think about I don't give a crap they think about I could give a crap what they think about me. But the truth of the matter is the only people say they don't give a crap what other people think about. Was People that are always worried about what other people got to think about them. And and that's the bottom line. I guess that's one of the reasons I drink. I drank to be free of feeling bad about myself because of what I thought other people are thinking about me, even though, by the way, they nobody was thinking about me. They were all thinking about themselves. But that has to do with discernment. That has to do with understanding what's actually real and what's fancied. What does it say the wrong doings of others, fancied or real? Well, the bottom line is is that eighty percent time with me, the wrong doings brothers, or what I thought they were doing wrong, was imaginary ship, because I took things personally, because I thought the world revolved around me. So I'm going to tell you a little story. So I'm going to say some things and you know it. If it bothers you, well, I don't intentionally try to bother people. It just sort of like happens naturally. But if it bothers you, remember the spiritual axiom, the ten steps. Spiritual Axiom comes out of the fourth step. Whenever you're disturbed, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. So if it bothers you, you actually only somebody because I'm giving you like a spiritual MRI. You understand. What I'm saying is you'll have to go back now and either drink over it or talk to your sponsor, do a fourth step and figure out why does that? Wow, I hate that Russell. I'm such a know it all. You know, who does he think he is? Okay, so here's the deal I'm going to I need to tell you in order to get into this fourth step stuff. I need to talk to you two about Bannock Montana, and I think if you understand a little bit about thattic Montana and the one thousand eight hundred and sixty three gold rush, you'll understand anything you need to know about. Stay sober for forty years or maybe, if you want what I have. If you don't want what I have, you just turn it off. Don't listen to this. But if you want, if you want to add rocking in the fourth dimension existing stuff. They talk about experiencing much of heaven, you know, all that new freedom stuff. You may want to die. It all has to do with bannock Montana eighteen sixty three. I don't know what to tell you. You know that's the deal. And so here's what happened in Bannock Montana in eighteen sixty three. How many people know this? It was the second largest gold rush in the history of the United States. This was after the gold Russian in and where was that? In California, and back Montana. Today is a ghost town, but back then it was. There was some gold found and ten, tenzero people within a year, like tenzero miners, rush to bannack Montana and it just grew very, very large. It eventually became Montana territory. It eventually became a state, bannock became the capital and then after about a year they switched it to Virginia City. A lot of people who grew up with bonanza you know, like I did. You know what Virginia City is, and that's a ghost town now too, I think you know. But and that was bad. But in order to understand a little bit about this disease and the solution of this disease, you got understand a little...

...bit about that Montana and you got understand a little bit about the eighteen sixty three gold rush. So this is a true story, by the way. I Love I love true stories. That's why I say our stories disclosed in general way. So what happened is the whole thing with bannock and how gold was discovered was there was gold up there, but it was in the Black Hills, was crow territory. You know, miners will not allow to go up there and they would go up there from time to time and risk being scalped and stuff, and on this particular occasion a whole bunch of miners, bunch of miners, went up to the black hills in order to search for gold. And there were the seven miners. I actually have their names in front of me. It was Thomas Kover, Henry Edgar, Barney Hughes, William Fairweather, Henry Rogers and Bill Sweeney. That were they left, but they left late. They were trailing behind the group of miners that went up to brack black hills and they got captured by Indians. They got captured by Indians and the point is, after a couple of days, six of them were allowed to leave and one guy stayed. I think he was like a half breed or something. He's stayed, but six, six of them left. They didn't have any supplies and they headed back to bannock. And heading back to bannock they stopped in a place called Alder's Gulch, also known. Next all just tols, was grasshopper creek. And on Grasshopper Creek I think was William Fairweather or Henry Edgar, or both of them. They started they started prospecting. They saw some Rim rock. They started prospecting for the Rim Rock and within an hour they found all sorts of nuggets of gold and they realized that they had hit a huge deposit of gold in brick. That's Hopper Creek, which which I think was about sixty miles outside of Virginia City, north of Virginia City, and but they didn't have any prospecting tools. And so they decided and they had to work the claim and if they didn't work the claim, they lose the claim. And so they decided that they were going to go back to Bannock Montana, get all the stuff that they you know, all the all the stuff they needed, the prospecting stuff they needed, and they would meet by the oak tree outside the town and then go back and work the claim. And they made a solemn oath. They made a solemn oath that nobody would tell anybody about the claim because they didn't want the claim to be jumped to somebody else to follow them or get on top of the claim. You know, they had to work the claim, whatever it is. So they made this alter they went up back to Bonnoch, meant bank montown. So when they went back to Bannock Montana, now you can imagine they had just hit the mother love. They had hit a huge deal. They quickly went in, they bought all these supplies and they all met at the old oak tree and they looked behind them and they saw it. There were three hundred miners following them. So they realize that somebody had stilled the beans, somebody had talked. So when the head of the guy who is leading and threaded miners got up to him, they asked them this question. They said they said who talked? Who talked? Who told you? And the guy said nobody told us anything. He said is when he said. He said we could see it in your eyes. We could see it in your eyes. We knew you had hit the mother lode. We knew you had hit the mother lode. They could not hide what had happened to them. It was written all over their faces. The reason I'm sober today is because the only thing I've been doing is hanging out with and following the miners. I've been following the miners for forty years. Bill Wilson, Bob was it, but Bill Dotson and alcoholics anonymous number three, who was sober. You know, there's millions of people sober and alcoholics anonymous. Most of the people in alcoholics anonymous are sober. I don't want what they have, really don't. I really don't. I'm not saying that because I'm being cocky or anything. I'm just telling you. I came in. I remember that. Bill Dootson says it's in the book. You can check it out. All some thombers three. He was sober and he looked around alcoholics anonymous and he said he knew there was something more. He knew there was something more, a release, happiness, something a person ort to have. I was trying to find the answer. He saw it in Bill Wilson, he saw it in Dr Bob and one day Bill Wilson was having lunch at his...

...house and he looked at it. Bill Wilson he was trying to figure out the answer, trying to figure out why they what they had, this thing that he couldn't touch, but he could see it in Bill Wilson. And Build Wilson said this to his wife, build Dotson's wife, whose name was Henry, and he said, Henrietta, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I got to keep talking about and telling other people. I'm so excited, he says, I got to keep talking about it. You know, he saved my life. And Build Dotson says in his story, he says I got the answer and called the golden text. He said Bill Wilson was excited and happy and grateful for his for what God had done for him and curing him of this disease, and he gave all credit to the Lord, all credit to God, and so he followed Bill Wilson around. And the truth of the matter is, whether I believed in God or whether I don't, didn't believe in God or whatever the health. The deal is. The truth is I came to Daya and I wanted what they had, whoever they were. He says, if you want what we have, are willing go to any lengths to get then you're ready to take you're not even ready to take the steps unless you want we have and I developed a week. I developed a group of people and I guess that was my first higher power. My first high power was was Bob Sullivan, my first sponsor. That was my first higher power. Next, my group was my higher power. That's Joe Schneider was my higher power. Next, real keep was my higher power and I kept on developing these people who I wanted. Oh, I don't know what happened, but my my screen just went off. Can you guys hear me? Yes, we can hear and see you. My screen just died, but I don't know what that is. But anyway, I know what happened. But I kept on following people. They kept on telling me crazy my sponsors told me crazy stuff, crazy stuff. I told my first sponsor about solvent. I was broke, I had no money, I was going to be evicted from my house, my wife and kid, and he looked at me with that all knowing look and he says, I understand, I know what the answer is. He I said what he says. You need to start making coffee for the group and and he I know he was crazy. I knew that didn't make any sense, but I followed him over to the Coffee Pot and I started making coffee and I was confronted with it because I wanted what he had. I wanted what he had and I kept on following these people and one of the things that happened. So why did it? Why did I do the F step? Why did you do the fifth step, the seventh step, whatever hell it is? Because the people I hung out with, the miners, who were not they were not just physically sober. Leave me. I know a lot of guys. I have a lot of guys have got thirty, forty years sobriety. When somebody has forty years sobriety and he says that guy's sober, they need they mean more than just not drinking. They need more than just belonging to the not drinking club. There's two AA's. There's the not drinking club and most people belong to the not drinking club. there. How you doing? I'm hang in there, hanging in there, buddy, one day at a time, you know, trudging that road. And there's there's a whole other club. It's called rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, experiencing much of heaven. It's true. It's either true or big book as a liar, and you might as well throw it in the garbage. And I'll tell you some for many years I thought would never happen to me. Nine Years Sober, I'm trying to figure out what am I going to have these permanent promises? What am I going to be rocking in the fourth dimensions? Just when is it going to happen to me? I'm working like a son of a bitch. I'm sponsoring everything that moves. I'm doing all sorts of service. You know, I'm in a group banquet chairman two years in a row. I'm doing everything that can possibly done. I'm working these steps like a son of a bitch and I'm still an anxious, crazy son of a I'm doing step meetings, I'm speaking a combat it doesn't matter. I'm still nuts. When is it going to happen to me? You know, are they lying to me? That's gonna Happen to me when God decides it's going to happen to me. It's not in my it's not my deal. I don't walk through the desert believe it not, guys, every have seconds my screen goes off, but you see say you could see me, so I'm not going to worry too much about it. In any even so, in avent so there came a time I did the fourth step, talk about the actual step itself. I used to, when I used to do these things early on. What I basically did was I said this is how you do the fourth step. You don't have to have me tell you how to do the fourth step. You have a sponsor. They'll tell you how to do the fourth step or the ten step in the book. You're in the book. If you knew, let me take some there is a chart in the book. I mean there is a chart in the book. That's how I did it. Eventually, when I did it, I opened up the chart in the book and I did it. I did it with...

...the three columns I resent. Then I did it with the fourth list. Forget about what they did. We're where. Was I to blame? And I did it with a sexual that I just followed the chart and I read the book. You can do it. It took me. took me it took me a year and a half and two hours to do the fourth step. Okay, a year and a half talking about it, a year and a half collection about it, saying I really got to do this thing, I don't know how to do it, and then some guy said, pick up a pencil, take the big book and just do it. Start writing. And it took me two hours and I did my fourth step and it was probably the worst fourth step and the history of mankind. But I'll tell you what, it was the best fourth step I could do that night. You want to and apparently it worked and the week later I did another one, a different one. Some things I left out and I've been doing it, so it ain't no big deal. Just do it, okay. But I want to talk about some thing behind the force step, why the fourth step is so important. I want to talk about the insanity of alcoholism. I want to talk about the word discernment, because it says we're selfish and we're self centered and we're driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion. Selfdelusion, by the way, means you're deluded. Selfdelusion means you're deluded. That's what it means. We're driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion and selfseeking. We step on toes of others, may retaliate, usually without provocation, but we begin to see that we've made decisions based upon self which put us in a position to be earth. So it's in other words, another words, we are deluded. We are living a life where we can't separate the truth from the falls. We're insane, we're doing insane things, we're living in an insane way, way, hanging around usually insane people, and we can understand what's going on and it seems absolutely as insane as we are. It seems normal to us, and we get a glimpse of the fact that maybe, maybe, somehow, our decisions based upon this insanity has put us in a position to have a prummy life. And it says then, it says, but the alcoholic is self will run riot, though we usually doesn't think so. So Part Apostle disease is that we are blind, using our own brain, to what the problem is. And how do you get rid of selfishness and selfcenteredness? How how do you see what the problem is if you can't see the problem? If you cannot see the problem and let me tell you something. You may get a glimpse of the problem. You may see the fourth step and getting glimpse of Brom but I'll tell you a little news. I've been working for forty years and I've just got glimpses. I think I had a few glimpses of the fourth step, probably after a couple of ten step after repeated what does it say in the book? You know, we get a new perspective. I. Repeated Humiliations over a lifetime, repeated humiliations and the final question of our selfsufficiency. If there's one thing I've learned about this deal is that is that the first step where you get crushed and you become ready to have God removed. The alcoholism is in the only crushian and alcoholics, anonymous, is repeated Humili as a matter of fact, we learned the value of suffering. That's that's that's not my opinion. It's my opinion based upon what this happened to me, but it's right out of the big book and out of the Twelve and twelve. We learn the value repeated humiliations, repeated humiliations over a lifetime and we finally get to the point. Hopefully some of us get to the point where we want more than mere sobriety, and then we become entirely ready to have God remove everything and to to give our lives to him, just just give the whole thing in. And then that separates the men from the boys. It's called the sixth step and it says, it says the man who's doing the six step is until then called a man who's trying to grow in the image and likeness of his creator. He doesn't settle from your sobriety. He doesn't settle for just giving up the pornography or given up the whatever the heck. You See. He doesn't settle for just the to doing. Okay, he doesn't sound, but he's constantly trying to grow in the image and like the Super Creator and he's constantly trying to get closer and develop by conscious contact with God. And I got to tell you something. For me to do it, I got to find more minors. I have to find the next minor and then find the next minor and the next month. I got I'm always on the lookout for the man who has something I don't have, that I don't even understand, but I want what he has. I can never quite get to the next level. In alcoholics anonymous, it's easy to rest on the laurels, it's easy to settle. That's what the sixtepisode. I can never quite get to the next level. On my own a bill. As a matter of fact, my tendency is to ball, is to relax at twenty years, at fifteen years, at ten years, at Thirty Hey, at thirty nine years, like tendency is to balk and relax and sort of like settle.

This is okay, is good enough for me. This is fine. I don't need more. And I've got to constantly look ahead of the game. The road gets narrower for the next person who I wish I could have what he has so they can like pull me along and let me see things that maybe I have I would never be able to see. Half the time I don't even understand what they have or why they have it. I just have to hang around them and hope I get it from like Osmosis or something. So I want to talk a little bit about the sermon. I'm going to read you a couple things. You know and and and listen. It's it's so easy to stop this thing and rest on your laurels. Why is the sermon? I'm going to read you a couple things about I'm listen. I graduated with Department of the Honors Mathematics. I was going for a PhD in Algebraic topology. I went to law school, graduated law school to Du became a division chief of the state's Attorney's office. I knew I was smarter than anybody in the room. I knew was I was trying murder cases when I was twenty five years old. Try Twenty, Oh, you know, between twenty five and thirty. I knew I was the smartest guy in the room. And I'm an alcoholics I'm arrogant and defiant, you know, and so nobody was going to tell me anything. And so I came into alcoholics anonymous, a beaten man, a beaten man, I thought my life was over. It was never going to be better again. I thought I was beating that and I should have been sponsored by Albert Einstein. Were Jesus Christ, they weren't available, and so they hook me up with a used car salesman from Chicago named Bob Sullivan, who didn't even graduate the sixth grade, but he had something I wanted. So I hung out with him and I did what he told me to do, even though he was, between you and me, crazy. He was crazy, but he had like fifteen to twenty years and one time Bob saw Olivin was in my office and said this to me. This is what he said to me. This is what he said to the guy who was going for his PhD in Algebraic topology and had a law degreet. He said, Russell, you know as much about life as a dog knows about his father. And I sat there and I was thirty three years old, thirty two or thirty three years old. I've been practicing law for years, I had all those degrees on the walls, and he said you know as much about life as a dog knows about his father. And I swear to God I had no idea what he was talking about. I mean I didn't, I didn't, I didn't know because it all in my entire life. I had never had any but I had never had anybody say something like that to me. I never even heard that said to anybody in my presence. So I sat there and I started picturing what he was trying to talk and I would pit, and this is a truth, I'm not making this up. This I pictured a doggy family. Well, you know the RCA. I don't know that. Don't have it now. You have to be a little bit older my age. Maybe RCA used to have a logo where would have a dog looking at a speaker. You know, I mean a dog had like a little patch out his eye. And I pictured that doggy family. It was like a doggy father and a doggy mother and doggy kids, puppies, I guess. You know, because I was trying to get what he was saying. You know as much about life as a dog knows about his father, and I'm looking at the father with the little puppies, and then I realized a dog doesn't know his father. So because I thought maybe he was maybe he was complimenting me, Oh Lord Jesus. So the bottom line is is that's how bad it was, you know. And so he was trying to tell me I knew everything, but but that's all I knew. I didn't know the important stuff. I didn't know how to be stay married for thirty nine years. I didn't know how to shut my mouth, I didn't know. I didn't know the stuff. I'll tell you what I didn't know. I didn't know what I didn't know. I lived at a little box, a little box, and inside that box was everything I knew and are outside the box was everything I didn't know, and there was a hell of a lot of more outside the box than there was inside the bus. One day somebody thrust in a big book of alcoholics, anonymous inside the box, and my box grew a little bit bigger. But you wanted something. Everything in that book and everything I learned in that book was still I still knew less than what was outside the box. I had to keep on trying to expand that box. It's the maintenance and growth of a spiritual condition. So I want to read a couple. By the way, this is the doctor bottle, the good old timers. I'm going to read a couple of things from a real fast you got. So I want you to understand. You know, in one thousand nine hundred and thirty five a was started. In nineteen thirty some of you guys know what I'm going to say, but in nineteen thirty five a was started. In one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine they published the big book, the Big Book says this line in it. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. It said it every meeting. This is the...

...line again, just in case you missed it. Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path, which I believe means is worth Smith. If you do what we did thoroughly, you will get what we got. Okay, can I get an amen on that? You do. It does not mean do whatever the hell you want to do and you'll get what we got. Says if you do what we did, you'll get what we got. And here's what they got. They got rocketed into the fourth dimension of existence and they experience much of heaven. And you, I'm sure you guys go to a lot of a meetings like I do, and there's a lot of people sober. Well, you know some sobriety is the easiest thing. Physical Sobriety is easy. I just say that's a little piss somebody off. You know, so you got. You might have a few guys, you know, plug with jug stuff. They don't want to talk about emotional sobriety. Just don't drink. Everything is wonderful. Of course not. Drinking is important, but the bottom line is everybody that comes to a a, I don't know what it's everybody, almost everybody comes a gets physically sober. They get physically sober for a week, they get so physically sober for a month, they gets physically sober for ten years or fifteen years or twenty years. It's easy. The physical sobriety is the first thing that goes. That little touch, that little nugget of God, that little hope, that little whatever wants what we have will get your physically sober. Just hanging around a room to get your physically so you know, just drinking, caught, just going to a like you used to go to the bar instead of drinking Scott's, drinking coffee, will keep your physically sober for a few months or a few years. But that's not the same thing as being rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. And you want, you want to know why you see it. Physically sober's easiest thing, because physically sober is not even the disease. It's not the disease. You know why? Because I read the Big Book and it says it says to drinking is but a symptom of the disease. The real disease centers in your mind, not your body. And I don't know what kind of alcoholism you have, but I have the grave emotional and mental disorder. Time I got the serious, the serious deal and the and and that deal, that disease. That is why are they talking about me? Why is this happening to me? What's going to happen to me? The disease that comes linked with the anxiety and the depression and the loneliness and the feeling separate and the and the and the comparing your inside with other people's outsides and worried about what's going to happen to you. The disease that has fiftyzero voices your mind, all bad shit about yourself and other people. The disease that wakes you over at three o'clock in the morning. That disease, the disease that tells you, in the shower where you're lading off lattery up, you're an idiot and you want to kill yourself, you knowing the ten years sober. The disease that keeps on telling you bad shit about yourself and other people. That disease. Let me tell you something that disease doesn't go real quickly. That disease fight stoff. That is the disease and at that hangs on, leaving up spunks or a lot of guys that got twenty five years, twenty years, thirty years. I know about that disease and I want that hands out and I got to say some whatever higher power you need, let me tell some. I came in here loaded with higher powers. goodlooking blond, goodlooking redhead, Goodlook at Brunette, higher power. Car, Nice car, higher power, money, higher power. I got more higher powers that are closed to me to whore myself and just get rid of my integrity. And do I spend more money. I didn't have to buy shit. I didn't need to impress you or some Gal. Then you can possibly imagine. I got tons of higher powers that tempt me to do stupid things and then, six months later, on saying why did I do that? Why did I get involved in this relationship? Why did I do that? I didn't need a higher power, I need the highest power. I need a power greater than all the higher powers on this planet, because I lust and fall in love with everything on this plant. All I do is look at things that's what it says in the sixth and seventh step. Money, power, romance and prestige. He says, we're not going to deprecate it. You just got to know that if you're running up that Shit, you've got to die. That's basically what it says. You know. That's basically what it says in Chapter Gnostics, if I may, a mere code of morals, better philosophy of life, but helped us we be's overall along ago. Does it help us? We don't have the power. We don't have the power. We don't have the power to stop you from shacking up with that Gal that's going to kill you. We don't have the power to stop you from drinking because you lost your job. We don't have the power over that sort there is. That's why we didn't have the power. We had a lack of power. You may have a not lat on, not power to stop drinking. You don't have enough power to stop worrying. You'n'T have enough power to stop thinking. You don't have enough power to stop waking up at three o'clock the morning. You don't have enough potent. You don't have enough power to not live up a life of quiet desperation. That's why we wrote a book. We're going to talk about God, and that's where alcohols get pissed off. That's where they get upset because they don't want to lose control and they're scared. It's a different thing and it's crazy and they can't see it. That's when you got to link up with somebody like a Bob Sullivan or a Joe Snyder, a real key for somebody along the road that will sort of take your hand and kick your ass into the deal. You got to want what they have and that's the deal. So the bottom line is, let me talk about discernment and why it's so important.

I'm going to read a couple so any of it. I'm starting to here's the here' stock bottom of it old times. This book basically tells what they were doing between you know, when they say really, I would see a person of bills thoroughly followed up at. This is what they were doing. Okay, this is some of the things they were doing. I'm just going to read two things because it's going to set up why I'm reading the other stuff. What I find, by the way, is nobody reads this stuff. I don't want to say nobody. Don't be a couple people. What I found? What I found I started reading this stuff at around eleven, twelve years sobriety. And the reason I start reading it and studying eleven, twelve years sobriety because I wanted more. I wanted more. It said, really, I've seen a person bills thoroughly followed our path. I wanted more and so I started reading this stuff. This is on page nine, only six. This is what they were doing. Hey, they were doing a lot of stuff. They were getting keep down on their knees before they go to a meeting. There were a lot of stuff they were doing. But here's based ninety six. Dr Bob, noting that there were no twelve steps at the time and that our stories didn't amount to anything to speak of. Later said they were convinced. They were convinced that the answer to their problems were in the good book. We're in the Bible. To some of US older ones, the parts that we found absolutely essential. Now, this isn't my writing, this is conference improved material. These are the founders of alcoholics, anonymous. These are the thorow things they were doing. These are the old timers and alcoholics. Anonymous is says, and this is the term they use to some of US older ones, the parts we found absolutely essential. Now you guys look like you're pretty sharp. You know the word essential means. It means essential. You know what absolutely essential means? It means. I don't know. It means like really essential. What the we found absolutely central worth sermon on the Mount. That's Matthew, five, six and seven, the thirteen chapter, First Corinthians. That's the love chapter, and the Book of James and we were almost called the James Club. And the last thing I'm going to read you from this book. As it says, there is no record of what happened that the first meeting, except for a great find account leaders later noting that and was led by Dr Bob, who put his foot on the wrong of a dining room chair, identified himself as an alcohol and began reading, reading the sermon on the Mount. So all I can tell you is that's what it says in our material and that's what I start going to the books. I started studying. I started studying those books because that's what they said. We're absolutely essential and I wanted more. You can do whatever and hell you want to do. I'm not going to try to talk into anything. I'm Hey, I'm just reporting. I'm just reporting to you. Know, you can just throw this stuff away and you just wait until your two thousand and twenty five years sober and your if your thumbsucking crybaby and things aren't going well, you can think back, as I remember this crazy guy that was saying all sorts of stuff. Thought he was nuts. Okay, so here we go. Let me read a couple things out of the steel about discernment and what I'd like you to do if you can, as I'm reading this stuff and you think the terms of the fourth step, where we start listing stuff, when we start learning about our stuff, in the fifth step, where we start learning about our stuff and the problems, in the trials we go through, whereas it says in the big book, the way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations, in the final crushing of our self sufficiency, and the spiritual fourth in tens of Acium, that whenever the disturb no matter what the cause, is something wrong with us. Let me tell you something. The fourth step and the fifth step are the beginning of the deal. You get glimpses, glimpses into how crazy you are, how wrong you were. I walked in the fourth step thinking I was a victim. I walked out realizing I was a victimizer. I walked out feeling I walked in feeling sorry for myself. I walked out feeling sorry for the people that hung around it. But even that wasn't enough, because for the next ten, twenty thirty years I had to go through repeated humiliations and the final crushing of my self. Sufficiency and ten step apology at the tense step of Aology and amend's after amend's to keep on grinding out and focusing in and fine tuning. How I was still selfish, how I was still selfset. Every time you go through crap, you know the crab we complain about. It meanings every time you go through anything in your life that bothers you, disturbs you, creeps you out, gets you fearful. This is your for somebody, you know what I mean. All the gods trying to tell you is more work to be done on your part, opportunity to grow. You don't really understand how crazy you are. This is going to help you out. It hurts me more than it hurts you. You got to get that. That's how we learn, that's how we continue to learn what we are. So how important is this discernment? Well, let me...

...say it says. I love this line. This is by t s Elliott. It says we will not cease from exploration and in the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time. I can't tell you how many times I've R at the been, how many times I'm in the last forty years I've had these epiphanies, these little like pretio. An epiphany is all of some like seems like in a second. All of a sudden you see something for the first time and it's like amazing. You read a line in the book that you read a thousand times, it meant nothing to you, and all of a sudden you read it in the big book and it means everything to you. It's a salute you, and it's usually not because of heavy duty thinking, it's usually not because you figured something out. It's usually because of some something knock you, a sort of events, some ordinary happening, something happens in your life and all of a sudden a light bulb goes on because it has nothing to do with you and have something to do with God or something to do that's been planted inside you, and all of a sudden is time for you to see the deal. And it's so right. We will not cease from exploration. In the end of all our exploring, we arrived at the place where we started, having known the place for the first time. So here I am, you know, forty years into my forty year and I'm starting to learn a little bit about me, a little bit about what's going on in me, and I got so much more to learn. In second grift and it says Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. Godly sorrow, well, worldly sorrow is selfpity. And let me tell you something. I'm not only an alcohol kind of self video, all it. I'm a guy who loves to feel sorry for himself. I walked in here a self video. I I was just looking for something feel sorry myself without. And Godly sorrow is something I had to go through and something I had to get and that is not feeling sorry for you, for yourself, because of something happened to you. That was at thirty one years of age, when December twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, in my in my bachelor pad, where I got down on my knees because I felt ashamed about myself. There's a big difference between feeling sorry for yourself and feeling like you're a victim and be ashamed of what what you what you've become, big difference than being ashamed of what you become. And I was ashamed. I was ashamed and I got down on my knees and I stopped coming to my life, you know, and that was the deal. That was a big difference. Another words, being ashamed of what would become. Understanding and discerning who you are and what you are and the things you've done and what you've done with your life and what you're doing with your life is the first the first step in getting out of jail for me is knowing you're a jail in the first place. My spot my response and told me that he said, Russ the first step and getting out of jail as you got to know you're in jail in the first place. If you don't know you're in jail, you can't get out. You can tell me how sober you are. You can tell me how you haven't had a drink in twenty years. You're cheating on my wife. As far as I've concerned, you're not sober. They're not sober. Don't tell me you're sober. You know I don't have whatever you got. I don't want whatever, whatever is going on, I'm not going to pack you on the back and say all that sort of stuff. You could tell me all sorts of things about yourself, about how well you're doing. You can give me this crap, I'll get off my back. I haven't had a drink. I don't even want to drink. That kind of stuff. That doesn't tell me what the deal is. Don't get me wrong, not drinking is important and the here it is those who do not recover, those who do not recover our people, who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. You'll ever hear that? You ever hear that? Is it ever right over there, wherever you are, those who do not recover our people, who cannot or will not completely give them something simple program by the way, these are men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. You think the sermon is important. You think it's important to be honest with yourself. How important you think it is to get honest with yourself? How does an alcoholic whose brain is diseased, who's insane, who wants to blame everybody, who thinks he's always right, who wants to defend himself all the time? You know, how does an alcoholic have the capability of being honest with themselves? Well, I guess you got to find yourself a good sponsor that will hurt your feelings. Maybe hurt your feeling sometimes, maybe, sometimes, packed on the back, but not be scared of, you know, not be scared of maybe even hurting you. You know, it's sort of like bring it down a notch so you'll see something. There are such by the way, there are such unfortunates. You know, if you're wondering, they are not in fault. They seemed a bit more than they they're incapable of grasping the development manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. A manner of living which demands rigorous honesty, not the bullshit honesty, not the not to get off...

...my back, I'm not drinking. Honesty, not the not to what I don't want to hear, but that God stuff. Honesty, not not. You know that Banda I mean. I mean the real deal. Some of US have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was don't so we let go absolutely. How do you let go of those old ideas? You got a sponsor who, when you tell them you got no money and you need help, he says, I think it's about time you made coffee for the group. You get a sponsor that, when you try to talk to them about their life and the things are important, he tells you crazy stuff and to do it, and you go ahead and do it. You become obedient. You become obedient even though it makes no sense to you, because no matter how far along the road you are, you realize that you're missing something like go dots and said, I knew there was something more, and you want what he has. You know, that's the deal. We made a search and fearless. Moral Inventory says here. When I was a child, you talk about the love chapter. When I was a child, I talked like a child. I thought like the Child. I reason like the child. This is the stuff they were studying in one thous nineteen, thirty seven, thirty eight, thirty nine. When I became a man, I put the ways of child's of the childhood, behind me. For now we see only reflection in the mirror. We see through a glass darkly. We see through a glass darkly. Then we shall see facetoface. Now I know in part. Then I shall know fully, even as fully as I've known. How many times do you think I've been told in my lifetime of sponsoring people? How many times? I know we got some oldsters here. How many times were you ever told by people you sponsor look at you straight in the eye, sober, ten, fifteen years? How many times have they said to you you don't understand. Have you ever had anybody who's got, you know, two, three, four years, five years, ten years, fifteen years, who's insane and they ask for help, or maybe they intimate they might want help, and you give them the answer, you give them the best dancers, you can possibly give them the answer, which is the answer, and they look at you and they say you don't understand. Good, because then you get a glimpse into how crazy we are, even if we get ten, fifteen years. What they're really trying to say is, I don't really care what you understand it or not. I ain't doing it because you want to know something. I ain't looking to grow in the image like this, in my creator, and I don't want what you have. I just want you to tell me something so I can feel good about the shit that's going on anyway. And I because I don't want to change and I don't want to grow up and I want to stay a thumb sucking cry baby. So I don't know what you're saying or not, but I know I ain't going to do I ain't going to church. I'm sorry, I don't care if the big book says. I don't care what the big book says. We encourage church membership. We say you're going to hang out that because he has to make the need central factor your life. So you make sure you hang out with as many people who can that are talking about God, even if you think their immigrants. I'm not going to do it because I don't want to do that deal. And then they cite you shit in the big book that they think you know, even though it says the big book on two different pages. We encourage church membership. Most of us do that, but you don't have to do that. You know what it said, but they focus in and you don't have to do that. They don't focus that fell Wilson was doing it, or Bob Smith was do it, or most of people neighbor doing it, or that they even say the book we encourage it. They don't focus on the fact we lose prejudice, even against organized religion. We begin to see with those people are right. We try to use what they never focus on. That they focus on the one line they could focus on. That gives them to the out. You're looking for the bluebells. It says, I don't have to do it. I said, you know, you don't have to do it. You don't have to do it. Hey, you want to Su you don't have to stop fool around in your life. Doesn't say anything like that. It just talks about being constitutionally incapable, being an honest with yourself. You don't have to do a lot. Hey, let me tell you something. They made this big book so easy, so easy, so light, so it's not to hurt your feelings. You don't have to do anything. You know something. You don't have to do the sixth step. I know it says in the six step, but you don't have to give your life entirely over to God. You don't have to make him the central fact of your life. You don't have to make God the central fact of your life. You don't have to be convinced in your heart that he lives in Heart in a way which is the miraculous he's don't feel what. He can't do that. You don't have to do any of that stuff. You don't have to sponsor people, you have to do any of that stuff. But don't whine and cry when you're not rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. Don't whine and cry when you're not thoroughly following what they did. Don't come up to me and say why is it working for me and for God? And don't come up to me and say things like well, I don't know why I drank. Don't come up to me and tell me you're really going to do it this time, this time, you're really going to do the fourth step in the fifth step this this time, just to make me or yourself feel better. You know what I mean. I mean I want to hear that stuff. I want to see what you do. You know, and I'm...

...the perfect I let me tell you. I'm a rationalizer. I tell myself rationalized to excuse my bullshit. And what I have to do is I the fourth step. Let me tell you something I walked to do in the fourth step. I listen. With all my learning, I kept on telling myself, I don't know how to do this. How am I going to do this? How am I going to do this? All I had to do was a chart in the book. I'll day. I had to get some guy had actually tell me. I was doing calculus on manifolds when I was eighteen years old. I was doing multivariable calculust when I was nineteen years old. You know, some guy had a tell me when I some and I was reading the big I read the big but several times I underwineded. Some guy had to say to me pick up a pencil and get a piece of paper and go start with the charts. And I went home and I just only shit. Where did that come from? You know what I mean. That's how brilliant I am. That's how that's how much this alcoholism can blind you, but I'll tell you, when you start seeing stuff, when start stuff starts getting revealed to you, revealed to you, magic happens. Magic happens and then you get to tell for some creating, get the skill, your guts to somebody, and that's a whole nother story that we're going to talk about next week. But you really want to get into this force that it's only the beginning. Believe me. You don't want to go to the bank with the a banquet and walk away with a ham sandwich. You want to go for the lobster, the whole bit. You want to find out, you want to you want to pick yourself apart and find out all of it. Listen, you're either going to be finding out all about yourself and escaping that bondage with all the other craft that's bothering you, or your your let me tell you, some somebody gets away with anything in this deal, or you're going to live. It's going to be a tough deal for you. You may not drink, you may just live with you, hey, you may not drink, you may be picking up your your twenty year medallion, you know, but I'll tell you, it's going to come out. Nobody gets away with anything. There's you know, there's there's you could drink, or you can just live up a thumbsucking cry baby like you know what I mean. But if you want what they had, you got to do what they did. So thank you very much.

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