AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 33 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 4

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Started July 8, 2020

Oh, that was fast. My Name's Russell Spas, I'm analcoholic, I'm h from the southeasnt group of MiamiFlorida hasn't ton net drink since January, twenty fifth inken, eighty oneand H it's great privilege to be here so I've got a little. Is Anybody herelike for like the first time you know, likeI've, never gone through one of my step series or anything like that? That kindof deal just H, you know, raise your hand or do something orthrow something at the screen or let me Nowo Bill Okagi. You look like you could possibly handleit. Let me see who else do anybody else? Besides Billis Bel, the only one okay Wel I need to? No, they haven'tkicked me out. Yet I've not goten the letter, but it's only a matter of time.You know the thing was recorded and it's only a matter of time before they find out. You know whatI've been up to, and so I expect any second now they're goingto give me thehook, but here's the deal. I think I I've got a problem. I thinkI'll share it with you. You know confessions good for the soul and allthat I I W. I I've had four sponsors:Wonderful, wonderful men, wonderful, wonderful man and amanterfour sponsors and a mantor and all my sponsodor dad, except for thelast one who stock forty five forty six years, Wonderful Guy and the O. I had to get foot cause. You know howyou sa you know on talk about. We be my temporary sponsor. Well, here's a Cluthey're, all tempora. They all died on me without permission. It was a sadsituation, but but they they so wark me. They so warn me that they're, likeembedded in my brain, which is a good thing because I' rather have theirbraind in my brain, my Brig, my best thinking as they used to say,got me to feel so. One of things have happened. Tos O in following these menaround is, I think they they might have hurt me. They mighthave done some damage, because I have this little bit of a problem. I'llshare it with Yo, it's sort of like a a cabiot of warning.I I I had to Sponen a Joe Sneider, who was a wonderful, wonderful guy and up, and I had a little problem. Anybodyever have a problem with resentments, I'm not talking about resemtmentsagainst people that deserve to be resented on to have resentments againstassholes. You know, people that you know deserve to t to be killed. You know 'causethey're, so stupid, Yo, N at kind of Yoever have that. So I had a littleproblem with resemtance. You know I came when I was thirty monehs. I ad Loprobaby, seven Ti for the first forty fifty years of my life or something andh I didn't realize it was a problem. Youknow how they say. You know they say about alcoholishey says they can'tseparate the truth from the falls by the way. THAT'S T we're talking abouttonight's, the fourthstep SOMWEAM, so ot docern discern it we're doinsomething about separating the truths from the falls. They say the alcoholcannot separate cannive Seprat the truth from the false hisalcoholic life seems the only normal one. So, as you know, alcohols arecrazy. We're insane. We already come O that in a second step right you getrestored, there's a power that will restore you to sanity and the reason wlisten, here's the deal this is not tthis is not my opinion. This is likebig bulk coppice of prumecrap. Okay, what the book says. It says that T atthat we come to realize that there's a power, GA ourself that restore sociity,so you cannot be restored to sanity unless you are insane. Okay, I'm justgoing to point that out to you it's sort ological. Some people may not getit now. One of the problems is, you know, it says: INLESSONSOL, alcohol, Co,sesis, alcoholism and all its consequences. This sobridill bepreparious and of true happiness. They'll find none at all, so one of the problems is one of theconseuence of my alcoholism is. I cannot see how insane I am. I cannot see how insane I am and it takes a lot of work. I cant seewith this rain because to me things that seem smart and logical and followas the day follows. The Night Hemi seems normal to me, and so I need guys like sponsors andstand and all sorts of stufp to understand how crazy I am and I've got I'm in my fortieth yearsobriety and I'. Listen, I'm scratching the surface. You know what I mean. I'mscratching the servant on this insanity thing thereis a possibility that in afewmore years I might, I might have...

...this down so i'I just do the best I canto share with you when I've learned. This is, as they say in the Bible. Thisis what I've seen. I ca. I testify to what I have seen in my own life andWhet I've, seen of Alife with the men that I've sponsored and the peoplearound me, so you can believe it or not. You can take it or leave it. You knowthat's up to you, I'm not here to convince anybody. Really, I'M NOT! Ilearned at I've been married for thirty nine years. I've learned how not to tryto convince anybody anything a I just shut up, and I just I restrain mrestraint of tongue and bet s, I'm so able itbout. My story when it comes todiscernment suffering the truth from the false on the insieity of thedisease about Polism, so I have o sponsor name, Jo Snyder and he H. I once went up to him and Isaid to him Joe. He had about twenty five years orsomething like that: Wonderful Guy, nit of Emphysema. He quit smoking afterabout ten years, ten or fifteen years, and then he died of emphysema likeforty years down the Ros. Stop the smoking then so on anyvend, but OATHAT. So I asked them one day. Isaid Joe: Do you ever get resentance and he looked him and he said, get em Igibbe and I looked at Hem. I looked at A. Iwas like Awstruck, my Masto, because I could not. I could not stand it if Ithought somebody didn't like me. You know I like that Qo from Marlinbrando,if there's three unther people in a party and one doesn't like me- I got alTe. You know I just I kept on telling Mysel that I don'tgive a crap what other people think about Il give a crap they do. I canDemocrat what they think about me, but the truth of the matter is the onlypeople Thathedon't Giv, CRAE OV people think about it is people that arealways worryind about what other people gonto think about 'em and h and that'ssoboand. I guess that's one O th reason I drink. I tried to be free of feelingbad about myself because of when I thought other people ere thinking aboutme, even though, by the way nobody was thinking about me. They were allthinking about themselves, but that has to do with disterb. That has to do withunderstanding, what's actually real and what fancied? What does it say, thewrong dons, Amonis, fancied or real well, the bottom line is, is thateighty percent time hat made the wrong deince of brothers or what I thoughtthey were doing wrong was imaginary ship, because I took things personally 'cause.I thought the world revolved around me, so I'm going totell you a little story, so I'm going to say some things and you know if itbothers you wel. Well, I don't intentionally try tobother people just sof what happens naturally, but if it bothers youremember the spiritual action, the tend step. Spiritual axium comes out of T Efourestep whenever you're disturbed, no matter what to cause. There's somethingwrong with you. So if it bothers you youll actually on ly some money,because I'm giving you like a spiritual Mri, you understand what I'm sayingsyou'll have to go back now and either drink old ritter tont your sponsored toa forcstep and figure out. Who Does that? I ate that Rustlein such no atall. You know who I he is okay, so here's the deal I'. I need to tell youin order Tagain to this forestep stop. I need to talk tot Yo to about BanicMontana and I think, if you understand a littlebit, aboubatic Montana in the eighteen, sixty three goldrush you'll understand anything. You need toknow about stayings Ober for forty years or maybe, if you want what to have. Ifyou don't want what to have you just turn it off? Don't listen, O Tis, butif you want T, if you want to than rocking in the port Tomension rexistantstuff, they talk about experience Ho much of heaven. You know all that new freedom stuff you may wantto it all has to do with bannic Montana. Eighteen sixty three. I don't know whatto tell you, you know that's the deal and so here's what happened in Bannacmontanin n eighteen, sixty gree. Now many people know this. It was the secondlargest gold rush in the history of the United States.This was after the gold Russian in M and where was that in California, Indanimontana today is a ghost hol, butback then it was. There was some gold found and attecked at ten thousandpeople within a year like ten thousand minors rush, the batic, Montada and H, we just grew very, very large. Iteventually became Ontana Territoi, it eventually became estate, banic becamethe capital and then, after about a year they switched to Virginia City alot of. If you grew up with bonanza, you know like I did. You know whatVirginia City is and that's a ghostdown. Now too, I think you know, but- andthat was tat, but it woldn't understand a little bit about this disease and thesolution of this disease.

You gote stand a little bit about daticMotan and you gotta spand litle about the eighteen, sixty three gold rush. Sothis is a true story by the way. I I love true stories. That's why I say astory: s disposed in general way. So what happened? I S? The whole thingwould banic and how gold was discovered was there was gold up there, but it wasin the Black Hills. It was crow territory. You know miners wouldnallhav to go up there and they would go out there for time to time andrisking scaut and stuff an on this particular tation a wholebunch of miners. A bunch of onust went up to the black hills in order tosearch for gold, and there were these seven miners. I actually had theirnames in fron me. It was Thomas Cover Henry Enger, Barney hughs, Williamfairweather Henry Rogers, and Bill sweeny than were th y. They left Bhut,they left late. T et were trailing behind. The Group of minors that wentup the rap blackhills and they got captured by India. They got catched byIndians and the point is after cold days. Six of them were allowed to leaveand one guy stayed. I think he was like a ankred or something he stayed, butsix six of en left, they didn't have any supplies and they headed back tobad in Andy back to banic. They stopped ana place called ulders Gulch, also known next aldest Os was grass copper creek and on grass hopper cree. I think it was U William, fair weatheror ever ead Goor, both of em. They started, they started prospecting, theysaw some rimrock, they started prospecting for the MIMRA and withanhour. They found all sorts of nuggets of golf and they realized that they had hit ahuge deposit of gold in re aropper creep, which, which I think wasabout sixty miles outside of Virginia City, norther, Virginia City, and butthey didn't have any prospecting tools, and so they decided and they had towork the claim and if they didn't work theclaim, they losed the claim, and sothey decided that they were going to go back to Banic Mimentana get all thestuff that they, you know all the ollthe stuff. They needed theprospecting stuff they needed and they would meet by the old tratoutside the town and then go back and work the plan and and they they made aSolo Ho. They made a solemn oat that nobody would tell anybody about theclaim because they didn't want the claim to be jumped to somebody else tofollow em or get on top of the clay. You know they had to Workh the claim,an whatever it is, so they made their salt and they went up back to BonimeDanic Monta. So when they went back to Danic Montana,now you can match it, theyad just kit, the mother low. They did a huge, a deal,they quickly went in, they bought all these supplies and they all met at theold old trade and they looked behind them and they saw there were threehundred miners following em, so they realized that somebody had still the beans somebody had talked so when the head of the Guid, who wasleading n thread, the miners got up to hem. They asked them this squation, theysaid they said up. Who taught who talked? Who told you and the guy said. Nobody told USanything. He said as whan. He said he said we could see it in your eyes. We could see it in your eyts. We knewyou had hit the mother. Lo, we knew you have hit the Motherlo, they could not pie what had happened tothem. It was ritten all over their face. The reason on sober today is course theonly thing I've been doing is hanging out wird and following the minors I've been following the miners forforty years, Imolstan Bobowasabo, Billdotson andaposteannus number three who was sober. You know, there's millions of peoplesoberand how cost anonymous most of the people I nowolt ones, Ar r Soi on Wa.They have. I really don't. I really don't I'm not saying that,because I'm being cocky or anything I'm just telling Yo I came in. I rememberthat Bill Doson says it's in the book. You can check in I'l call ummer three,he was sober and he looked around alcotots and he saidn, and he knewthere was something more. He knew there was something more a release, happinessof something a person ought to have. I was trying to find the answer. He sawit and Bill Wilson. He saw it in Doctor...

Bob and one day Il Wilson was havinglunch at his house and he looked at it Dilwilson. He was trying to figure outthe answer, trying to figure out why they w they had to sting and couldn'ttouch, but he could see in the Bill Wilson and Dowalson said this to hiswife, Jol Doson's, wife, whos Ame was Henriette. He said Henrietta. The Lord has been so wonderful to me.Turin me O' this terrible disease that I got to keep talking about in tellingother people I'm soasid. He says I got to keep talking about it. You know hesave my life nd and Bill Dodson says in his story, says: I've got the answerand called the golden text. He said Bill Wilson was excited and happy andgrateful for his for for from what God had done, I for him and Inturin him ofthis disease, and he gave all credit to the Lord all credit to go, and so hefollowed Bill Wilson around and the truth of the matter is whether Ibelieved in God, or whether I don't didn't believe in God or whatever thehelp. The deal is. The truth is I came Ada a and I wanted what they awhoever.They were. He says if you want what we have are willing going to Englate toget,an you're ready to takeyou're, not even ready to take the stebsolation whatn wehave and I've developed a week. I developed a group of people and I guessthat was my first. I O my first hi Pol t was Bob some of it. My first sponsorthat was my first higer power. Next, my grup was my high power. Next,Jose Nide was my hartar. Next Ral keep was my high power and I kept ondeveloping these people, who I wanted to glowmy screen. Just went off. Didyou Guy Sarmat? Yes, we can hear and see. Hou Y Sgray just die, but I don'tknow what that is, but any I know what happened, but I kept on followingpeople they kept on telling me crazy. My sponses told me crazy, stuff, crazystuff. I told my first sponse about Solvan I was broke. I had no money, Iwas to be advicted from my house, my wife and kid, and he looked at mewithaut all knowing look- and he says I understand. I know what the answer is.I said Wat e SAS. You need to start making coffee for the groom. I knew he was crazy. I knew that he'dmake any sense, but I followed him over to the CoffeePot and I started making coffee and I was confronted with it because I wantedwhat he had. I wantered what he had and I kept onfollowing these people, Andone of the things that'e happ sowider. Why do they do the force that? Why dowe do the FISSTEP to seven step whatever hell? It is because the peopleI hung out with the miners, who were not they were not just physically soberblieve me. I know a lot of guys. I have a lot of guys Ho got thirty forty yearssobriety when somebody has forty years soriety and he says that guy's soberthey need, they mean more than just not drinking, they mean more than justbelonging to the not drinking club. There's two a as there's the notdrinking club and most people long to t e, not drinking blub there. How youdoing on an an t hanging in therebuddy one day at a time and it trudging thatroad and there's there's a whole lot of club. It's called rocking in the forthdomention, because thats experiencing much of heaven, it's true, it's eithertrue or our big book as a liar and you might as well throw it in the garbageand I'll say y. u some for many years, I thought would never happen to me.Nine Years Ober, I'm trying to figure out what am I going to have thesepermanent promises whet? Am I going to be Rockin, the Fourth Menchon? When isit going to happen to me? I'm working like a set oftitch, I'm sponsoredeverything that moves I'm doing all sorts of service. You know I M et it Gubanqit Chano, two years in a row, I'm doing everything that compossbbe done.I'm working these steps like a Stut op, a betch and I'm still an anxious, crazyson, OFI'm doing stepmeeting Ome Speekin CBET. It doesn't matter, I'mstolluts. When is it going to happen to MIT? You know: Are they lying to me? It's going to happen any when Goddecides what's going to happen to me, it's not a my it's not my deal. I walk through the desert believe or not guys, every five seconds.My screen goes off, but you see so you coald see me so I'm not going to worrytoo much about it at any event, so in Amen. So there camea time I did the fourth step, but what I want to talk about before Stef, Idon't want to Tok about te actual step itself. I used to when I used to dothese things rolyg on what I nacely Dias. I said this is howhe do the forestep. You don't have to happy. Tell you how to do the foor stepyou have to sponsor they'll. Tell you how to do the foor step, wher, the tenstep in the book Youre in the B. If you knew on DASOM, there was a chart in thebook. I mean there is a shart in the book. That's all I did eventually whenI did T. I opened up the chark in the...

...book and I did I did with the threecolumns I resent then I did it with the fourth list forget about what they did. Where was I to plaing that I did itwith a sesual that I just followed the Char, and I read the book you can do it.It took me. I anser it took me a year and a half and two hours to do theFOURSTEP Oky t you're in a halt talking about it a year and a half cvetiongabout it saying I I ve really got to do this thing. I don't know how to do itand then some guy said pick up a pencil. Take the big Bok and just do it startwriding, and it took me two hours and I did my forstep and it was probably theworst forstep in the history of mankind, but I'l tell you what it was the bestfortstep. I could do that night. You wanted and apparently at work and t eweek later I did another one, a different one. Some things ID left outand I've been doing it. So it ain't no big deal just do it Oky, but I want totalk about something behind the horsestap by the force that was soimportant. I want to talk about the insanity of alcoholism. I want to talkabout the word discernment because it since war selfish and was self centeredand were driven by a hundred forms of fierce self illusion selfpollusion. Bythe way, it means you're, diluted, self. Delusion me insure deluted,that's what it means: we're driven by underforms of fear, self, delusion andself seeking we step onto hose brothers and they retaliate usually withoutprovocation. But we begin to see thow. We made decisions based UPONSELF, whichput us in a position to the heart, so in other words, in other words, weare deluded. We are living alife where we can cebrate the tret from the falls,we're insane we're doing insane things we're living in the insane Wa wayhanging around, usually insane people, and we can't understand what's going onand it seems absolutely as insane as we are. It seems normal to us and we get a glimpse of the fact thatmaybe maybe somehow our decisions based upon this insanityhas put us in a position to have a crummy lihe and it snsays, but thealcoholic is so over and riot though he usually doesn't think so so part opossible disease is that we are blind using our own grain to what the problemis and how do you get rid of selfishness and self setterness? How doyou see what the problem is? If you can't see the problem, if you cannot see the problem, and letme tell you something- you may get a glimpse of the problem, you may see thefour step and get a Glimpopprom, but I'l Tak, a little news. I've beenworking for forty years and I've just got clitsed O. I took out a fewglimpses of the FORSTEP, probably after a couple of ten step after repeatin.What does it say in the book? You Know Begin Ne Perspective by repeatedhumiliations over a lifetime, repeated humiliations and the fun a question ofour Self Ufficiency. If there's one thing I've learned about this deal isthat is that the first step where you get crushed and you become Brad andhave God removed the alcoholism, is in the only crushin in alcohol, enonms Hi's repeated Youi. As Mat of fact, welearned the value of suffering. THAT'S T! That's now my opinion, it's myopinion, bas on what was happeng to me, but it's right out of the big book anat of He twell as well. We learnd the value, repeated humiliation, repeatdhumiliations over the life time, and we finally get to the point.Hopefully some of US gets to the point where we want more than mere sopriety,and then we become entirely ready to have God remove everything and to to give our lives at him. Justjust give the whole thing in andthen that separates the men wit theboys. It's called the Sixh step, and it says it says the man who's doing thesix step. Isn't Talin called Tha man who's, trying to grow in the image andlikeness of his creator. He doesn't settle for mere sirbride. Hedoesn't settle for just giving up the pornography or giving up the whateverThaa doesn't settle for just MICA doing. Ok, he doesn't say thathe's constantly trying to grow in the image oulike the s creator and he'sconstantly trying to get closer D and develop a conscious contact with Godand Im going to take something for me to do it. I got to find more minors. I have to find the next minor and tofind the next minor and the next month. I G, I'm always on the look up wit. Aman whe has something I don't have that. I don't even understand what I wantwhat he has. I can never quite get to the nest levelin Ow Hawanamis, it's easy to rest on the worald. It's easy to settle! That'swhat the six step s! I can never quite get to the next level on my own Bil. Asa matter of fact, my tendency is the ball its relax at twenty years atfifteen years, at ten years, at thirty T heigh at thirty nine years, mytendency is the balk and relax and sort...

...of like settle. This is alltis goodenough from it. This is fine, I don't eat more and I've got a Cossy lookahead of the game. The road gets nower for the next personwho I wish I coand have what he has so they can like pull me along, and let mesee things that. May I h E. I would never be able to SI at the time I don't even understandwhat they have or why they have it. I just have tohang around them and hop. I get it from Mie Hosbois or something so I want total a little it about the sermon. I'm regicale thing. You know a D and listen it's it's soeasy to stop this thing and rest onder world. Why is thes sermon? I'm going toread the whole things about ilisten. I graduated with the part of ThelanasMathmax Onwas, going for a PhD and Algerated topology. I went to lawschool graduate. An law school to do am division chief of the states ofTermey's office. I knew I was smarter than anybody in the rorl. I knew, as Iwas trying murder cases when I was twenty five years old, Try Twentyo ybetween twenty five and thirty. I knew I was the smartest Duye in the room andI'm an out hoss on arrogator defiant. You know, and so Nobodywa could tell meanything, and so I came adown Fosanoas abeaten man, a beatin man. I thought mywife was over. It was never going to be better again. I thought I was beating it and I shouldhave been sponsored by Alberteinstein where Jesus Christ, they weren'tavailable, and so they hooked me up with a used car salesman from Chicagonamed Bob Sulvant, who didn't even graduate the sixth grade, but he had something I wanted. So Ihung out with him and I did what he told me to do, even though he wasbetween you and me crazy. He was crazy, but he had like fifteen to twenty yearsand one time Bob Salvin was in my office and said this to me. This iswhat he said to it. This is what he said to the guy who was going for hisphdand Ow, Dorante tynology and at Aladegra. He said Russell. You know asmuch about Wyfe as a dog knows about his father and I sat there and I was thirty. Threeyears old, thirty, two Ar thrty three years old ihave been praticing law for years. I had all those degrees on the walls,and he said you know as much about life as the Dougg knows about his father andI swear to God. I had no idea what he was thoughking IDIDT. I didn't I didn't know becausein all in my entire line I had never had any Buti had never had anybody Sayi.Something like that to me. I never even heard that said to anybody in mypresence, so I sat there and I started picturing what he was trying to tyleand I would P- and this is e- choose I'- no make this up. Sai pictured a doggyfamily. You know the RCA idon, they don't haveit. Now. You have to be a little bit older, my age, maybe arser used to havea a a long. Go where I would have a dog looking at a speaker, you know what Imean a dog had like a little patch on his eye and I pictured that dawnyfamily. It was like a doggy father and a doggy mother and Dongy caste puppis.I guess you know 'cause. I was trying to get what he was saying. You know asmuch my life as the dog knows about his father and I'm looking at the folenderit the little oppies and then I realized a dog doesn't know his father.So because I thought maybe he was? U. Maybe he was complimenting it. Oh Mor. So the bottom line is that'show bad it was you know, and so he was trying to tell me. I I knew everythingbut but that's all I knew I didn't know the important stuff I didn't know howto be tey married for thirty nine years. I Don' know how to shut line. Now Ididn't know, I didn't know the SI'Lltell, but I didn't know I didn'tknow what I didn't know. I lived in a little box a little box an inside thatpox was everything I knew and ever outside the box was everything I didn'tknow, and there was a hell lot outmore outside the box than there was insidethe box one day. Somebody thrust in a big book of ALCEHOLSANAMAS inside thebox and my box grew a little bit bigger, but you wantted something everything inthat book and everything I learned in that pot was still. I still knew lessthan what was outside the box. I have a cheap on trying to epand that pox, it'sthe MAINNANC and growth of a spinital condition ca. I want to read to help bythe way this is the dog toboe good old timers, I'm going toread a couple of things from it: Real Fast Ha. I want to understand. You knowin nineteen thirty five day was started in nineteen th. Some, you guys knowwhat I'm going to say, but in nineteen thirty five a was started: N, nineteen,thirty nine. They published the Big Buck. The Big Bod says this line in it.Rarely have we seen a person Bell Ho. Is thoroughly followed, our bad ititsed it everthis is the line again...

...just the case you missed it. Rarelyhave ou seen a person fail as thoroughly followed our that, which Ibelieve means is a wornd Smith. If you do what we did thoroughly, you will getwhat we got. Okay. Can I give an name en on that? You do. It does not me, dowhatever the hell. You want to do and you'll get what we got says. If you dowhat we did, Nou'll get, what we got and that's what they got. They gotrocketed into the fourth dimension of existence and they experienced much ofhaven and you, I am sure you guys go to lot of a meetings like I do and there'sa lot of peoples over Leno, some subrivhe's, the easiest thing visiblesspride is easy. I just say that sort of piss somebodyoff you know so you got, you might have few guys. You know Plang with jug stuff.They don't wantto talk about emotional sobriety, just don't Trin everything'swonderful, of course not drinking is important, but the Bo ine is everybodythat comes toe. I dont know ts everybody almost everymind to come, say,gets physically SOER, they get physically sober for a week. They getSu physically solver for a month. They get styphisically Soa Hem for ten yearsor fifteen years and twenty years it's easy. The visical sobriety is thefirst thing that goes, that little touch that little nugget of God thatlittle hop that little whatever watchit we have will get. You pizzically soberthe Tan around an rools dignaphysically. So you know just drink and conscious. Gonalike ouse to go to the bar instead oftran the scotch stricken coffe ill tephysies over for a few months or a few years, but that's not the same thing asbeing rotken in the forth Tomention of existence Andyou. I I know why you seeif it's Cisobesesou thing, because physically soberk is not even thedicease, it's not the disease. You know wife cause. I read the PAYBOOKAND, itsays it says the drinking is, but a system of the disease, the real disease.Centers. In your mind, not your pot, and I don't know what kind of Apphosmyou have hun. I have the grave emotional and mental disorditie. I gotthe serious the serious deal and and that deal that it seems. That is whythey talkin about me. Whyitis happen. I mean, what's Goingto happen to me: thedisease that comes like with the anxiety and the depression and theloneliness and the feeling separate and the and the and to comparing you'reinside with other people's outsides and worried about. What's going to happento you, the disease than is fifty thousand voices to mind all bad shitabout yourself and other people, the disease that waits you? U At threeo'clock in the morning that disease, the disease that tells you in theshower Wen, you're, aloin off lattering up you're, I itod and Jon Exto Yourself,you leane ten years ober the disease Thaton telling you bad shit aboutyourself and other people that disease letme face home. That disease doesn'tgo real quickly, that dosease fights tat. That is the disease in that thathangs on ligams Ansor, a lot of guides that got twenty five years. Twentyyears thirty years I know about that disease and how Wong Tat a tat- and Igot to say some whatever higher power you need limita thon. I came in hereloaded with higher powers, good lookand blond, loo, Lok, the red head, good,look at Brunette, Highon power car, an nice car high, an power money highertot I' Hot, more higher powers that all caused me to hoar, myself and and justget rid of my integrity. And do I spend more money, I didn't have to buy shit.I don't Nean to impress you or some Gow, then you can possibly imagine. I gottons of higher powers that tept me to do stupid things and then, six monthslater, I'm saying why did I do that? Why did I get involved in thisReletionson? Why did I do that? I need a higher power. I ain't the highestpower. I need a power greater than all the higher powers on this planetbecause I lust and fall in love with everything on this plant. All I do islook at things, that's what it says in the six and seven money pound romanceand prestage. He says we're not going to deprecated. You just got to knowthat if you're rigning of tast Shit you've gon to die, that's basicallywhat it says. You know, that's basically what it says in chaptingplassics. If we made the MERICO tomorals, better Philaso Life Withoutuswe be soall along ago, doesn't help us. We don't have the power, we don't haveno power. We don't have the power to stop you from shacking. Up with that,Galn that's going to kill you wen't have the power to stop you fromdrinking 'cause. You lost your job. We don't have the power on thats. There isthat's why we didn't have the power we had to lack of power. You may have anOtla onough power to stop drinking. You don't have enough power to stopworrying you're, hating oup power to stop baking. Youl have enough power tostop waking up at three o'clock in the morning. You don't have o no POWNN. Youdon't have enough POW to at to live a life of quiet desperation. That's whywe grow Oegon, T tol, God, God and that's Ra Halskit is tof, that's wherethey get upset because they don't want to lose control, and this GAM it's adifferent thing at it's crazy and they can't see it nd. That's when you got Talink up with something like a Bob, Solvin or Jo Snider or Ral t, orsomebody along the road, thet'll sort of take your head and take your assinto the deal you got to want what they have andthat's the deal. So the bottoe line is. Let me talk about discernment andWhyit's, so important, I'm Goin ta read...

...a Colo, so anas starting to hearsotator stock Bom Itold Time this book dog basically tells what they weredoing between you know when they say really ia sin Prince Bel is thoroughlyfought up at this is what they were doing. Okay, this is some of the thingsthey were doing on sely two fags 'cause. It's going to set up why I'm readingthe other stuff? What I find by the ways? Nobody readsthis stuff: I want to see. Nobody know me a couple of people e, but I thwhen II started reading this stuff and around eleven twelve years toprive and thereason I started reading it instiading eleven twelve years Friday, because Iwanted more, I wanted more it Sai Raely I've seenpercebellas thoroughly fough at I wanted more, and so I start reading this stuff. Thisis on page ninety six. This is what they were doing. Hey. They were doing alot of stuff. They were again o deep down on their knees before they go toamed. There wase a lot of stuff. They were doing but hereas base nine to six Doctor Bob, noting that there were notwelve steps at the time and that our stories didn't amount to anything tospeak of water said they were convinced. They were convinced that the Hanswer oftheir problems, Rin the good book, were in the Bible to some of us, older ones, the partsthat we found absolutely essential. Now this Isin. My writing. This iscopensapproved material. These are the founders of alcops anonymas. These arethe thorough things they were doing. These are the old timers in Alposamassays, and this is the term they use to some of us, older ones. The parts wefound absolutely essential, nwyou guys. Look like e're, prettysharp. You know w t the word essential means it means essential. You know whatabsolutely essential means it means. I don't know it means like reallyessential oe, we fo afto the central werk sermonon the Mount, that's Bot, five, six and seven, the thirteenth chapter of FirstCorinbians, that's the love chapter and the book of James, and we werealmost called the James cluck and the last tin. I'm to read you from thisbook. As it says, there is no record of what happened at the first meeting,except for a great bind account, but years later, noting that it was let byDoctor Bob who put his foot on the wrong of a dine room chair identifiedhimself as an appall and began readn reading the sermon on the mail. So all I can tell you is that's what itsays in our material and that's what I start those ots. I started studying, Istarted studying those books, Caus, that's what they sem were absollyessential and I wanted more. You could do whatever how you wanted to I'm notgoing to try to Talkto in dating Ihey, I'm just reporting, I'm just reporting to you know you canjust throw this stuff away and you just wait until you're, twentyn twenty five years, sober and you're. If your thumb, Sucan cry baby andthings aren't going well, inack, remember this crazy guy. That wassaying all sente of stuff o. He was nuts okay. So here we got. Let me read acouple of things out of the steal about omdiscernment and what I'd like you todo, if you can as I'm reading this stuff and you think in terms of theforth step when we start listing stuff Wen, we started learning about herstuff and ot this that was unlearned about herself and the problems in thetrials we go through, whereas it says in the big book the way we get a newperspective t is by repeated humiliations in the final crushing ofourself sufficiency, and the spiritual forth intends to Vak him that wheneverdisturbed no matter, what the cause tere's something wrong with us, let eTay some the fortstep in the fisstep or the beginning of the deal you getglimpses glimpses into how crazy you are how wrong you were. I wanted in the forestep thinking I wasa victim. I walked out realizing. I was a victiiser. I walked out feeling Iwalked in feeling sorrngs for myself. I walked out feeling sorry for the peoplethat hung around it, but even that wasn't enough, becausefor the next ten twenty three years I had to go through repeated humiliationsand the final crushing of my self sufficiency, intense step, opology af etense step of Ology and amends after amends to keep on grinding out andfocussing in and fine tuning how I was still selfish, how I was still selfstet. Every time you go through crap, you know the crap e complain about itMenans every time you go through anything in your life that bothers youdisturbs, you creeps you out, gets you fearful. This is Yoan somebody. Youknow what I mean all that God's trying to tell you is more work to be done onyour Hart. OFFITER did grow. You don't really understand how crazy you are.This is going to help you out. It hurts me more than it hurts you you gottaGetha, that's how we learn. That's how we continue to learn welimporanthis discernment. Well, letme see...

...it says H. I love this line is by Tseliot. It sayswe will not cease from exploration and in the end of ALLARC, waring will be toarrive where we started and know the place for the first time. I can't tell you how many times I'veread th be how many times I' in in the last forty years, I've had theseepiphanes these little like and fify years. Oldso like it seems like in asecond all of a sudden. You see something for the first time and it'slike amazing. You read a wine in the bok that you you rent a thousand timesthat mean nothing to you and all of a sudden, you readit in the big book, andit means everything to you. It's Asand, it's usually not because of heavy dutyThankou. It's usually not because you'e figured something up. It's usuallybecause of some some inocuous sort of event, some ordinary happening,something happens intelife, but all of a sudden a lightbob goes on because it has nothing to de with youand has something to do with God or something to do. That's been plantedinside you and all of a sudden is Tipan seethe deal. It is so right we will notcease from eploration in the end, a rollark when we arrived at the placewhere we started, having known the place for the first time. So here I am, you know forty years intomy fortieth theer and I'm starting to learn a little bit about me a littlebit about. What's going on ot me and I got so much more to learn in second grit. Thend says Godlysoerigns repentance. That least te salvation leaves no regret for WorlySorowbrins debt, godly, sorrow, Wut, worldly, sorowis self pity in Loncase o I'm not only an alcohol Kim o Self Videoholic Im the guy, who lovesto feel sorry for himself. I walked in here aself video. I I was just lookingfor something feel Sarr to myself Bot an Godyn saw. It was something I had togo through and something I had to get, and that is not feeling sorry for youfor yourself, because if something happened to you, that was at thirty oneyears of age. We since decemver twenty fifth nineteen.Eighty in my in my Bash Loa, where I got down on my east us, I felt ashamed.ABOUTSO, there's a big difference between feeling, sorry for yourself andfeeling like you're a victim and be ashamed of what, when you whel you've,become be difference than being ashamed of what you become, and I was ashamed.I was ashame and I got down on my eas an I a stot ocome to my lide. You know, and that was a deal that was a big difference,inoter words being ashamed of what cou become understanding and discerning whoyou are and what you are and the things you've done and what you've done withyour life and what you're doing with you like you's, the first. The firststep in getting out of JAL for me, is knowing you're a jail in the firstplace. I SPO my response Ha told me Gu, saidru the first step in getting out of jail, as you got an Uger Andjo in thefirst place. If you don't know you're in jail, you can't get out. You can tell me howsover you are you an tell me how you have an in atdrect in twenty years,you'r cheating on my wife. As far as I'm concerned, you're, not sover, aobsober, don't El me you're, sover y know I don't have whatever you've dot.I don't want whatever whatever's going on, I'm not going to pat you on theback and say all that sort of stuff. You can tell me all sorts of thingsabout your stuff about how well you're doing you can give MOU this crap oh getoff my back, I haven't had a drink. I don't even want to Drin that kind ofstuff that doesn't tell me what the deal is. No don't get me wrong. Not Drinking isimportant. ND, the Greartest, those who do notrecover those who do not recover our people, who cannot O, will notcompletely give themselves to this simple program. You'll ever hear that you ever hear that, is it ever regdover there, wherever you are those who do not recover up people who canororwill not complete, Give Hen Elf, Tha, simple program by the way these aremanered women who are constitutially, incapable of being honest withthemselves. You think thesermon is important. You think it's important tobe honest with yourself. How forn do you think it is to gethonest with yourself how ies an alcoholic whose brain isdiseased WHO's insane? WHO WANTS TO BLAME EVERYBODY? Who thinks he's alwaysright? WHO WANTS TO DEFEND HIMSELF? All the time you knowhowis, an alcohol havethe cability of being hoest with themselves. I guess you got to find yourself a goodsponsor. That'll hurt your feelings. Maybe you heard you feeling sometimesmaybe sometimes packed on the back. Woutd not be scared of you know not bescared of, maybe even hurting you, you know and sort of like bringing it downand Noch. So you'll see something you are such bythe way there are such unfortunates. You know if you're wondering theyr nonnfaultthey seem to have bee more than they they incapable of grassmendeveloping manter of Lin Wuhich, the man's rigorous R, honesty, a manner of living which demandsrigorous honesty, not the bullshit,...

...honesty, not tat, not to get off my back, I'mnot drinking honesty, not the not the. I don't want to her rothat godstuff honesty. No, not you know that I mean I mean thereal deal. Some of US have tried to hold onto our old ideas and yself asnoone to be lit. coabsolutely how you like all of those old ideas you get asponsor when you tell em, You'e got no moneyand you need help. He says I think it's about time. You made coffee for thegrowt. You get a sponsor that when you're trying to talk to hem about yourlife and the things are important Ho tells you crazy stuff and to do it andyou go ahead and do it you become obedient. You become obedient, eventhough it makes no sense to you, because, no matter how far along theroad you are, you realize that you're missing something like Gildason said. Iknew there was something more and you want what he has nothat's the deal we made a search.INFM is more limentory Sezer. When I was a child, you talkabout the thelove chapter. When I was a child, I talked like a child. I thoughtmy go child I reasond like e child. This is the stuff they were studying innineteen, thirty, seven, thirty, eight thirty! Nine! When I became a man, Iput the ways of childs childhood behind me. For now we see only reflection, OMera receede to a glass darkly. We see Toh a glast darkly. Then we shall see fans tepase. Now I noimpart, then I shall now fully even as fully as I know. How many times do youthink I've been told in my lifetime? Is Sponsoring people how many times I knowwe got some oldsters here. How many times were you ever told by people yousponsor lookd at you straight in the eye? Sover? Five? Ten, fifteen years,how many times have they sent to you? You don't understand, have you everhad anybody who's got. Youknow two three, four years, five years ten years, fifteen years, who's insaneand they askd for help, or maybe the intimate that they might want, help andYouv giveem. The answer you give Hem the deask answer. You can possibly givehem the answer, which is the answer and they look at you and they say you don'tunderstand Goo, because then you get a glimpse andhow crazy we are. Even if we get TEC continure, what they're really trying to say is. Idon't really care whether you understand it ot I ain't doing it does o want to know something: iaint,Looking Tho growing. The image like this is my creator and I don't windwhen you have. I just want you to tell me something, so I can feel good aboutthe ship that's going on anyway, and I cause I don't want Ta chape and I don't want to grow up and I wantto stay up domb sucking privaby. So I don't know what you're saying or not,but I know ain't going T I ain't going to church. I'm sorry, I don't care whatbig book says. I don't care what the big boot says. We encourage Churchmampership. We say you're going to hang out that because he has to make thegencentral fact on your life. So you make sure Youl hang out with is Benybews youcan than talmer about God. Even if you digk their intigrits, I'm not going todo it 'cause. I don't want to do that to and then they sie, you shit the bigbook that they think Yoeven, though its says the binpal country D anges. Weencourage church membership. Most of us do that, but you don't have to do that.You know what it said, but they fopus in and you don't have to do, that. Therr no fogus, HEP G wilstor was doingit or Bodsmith was doter or most o people. They were doing it wor thatTheysao we encuage it. They don't fos. On the BACT. We lose prejudice, evenagainst organized religion. We begin to see whete those people aright. We tryto use wit, their democoses on that they vocus on the one ine they couldfocus on. That gives them be out you're. Looking for the O bloohalls that says,I don't have to dot. I said you know you don't have to do it, you don't have to do it a you want? U,Oyou, don't have to stop fooling around in your line. Itdoesn't say anythinglike it. Just thoughts about being Constitutonlin AB will be unhonest withyourself. You don't have to do. L, Hey let tase em. They made this big book soeasy, so easy so light. So as not to hurt you feel you don't have to doanything. You know something you donn't have to do the Sixk step. I know W atsays it is six step, but you don't have to give your life entirly over togone.You don't have to make him an he sential fact. Tor Your Life, you not take God. The setural fact ofyour life you' have to be convinced in your heart that he lives in Hart and away which is be miraculous. He still ve what he can to e Youdon't have to doany of that stuff. You don't have to sponsor depo you ant to do any. I stop,but don't wine and cry when you're not rocking an Heford, to mentionresistance, don't wine and cry when you're not thoroughly following whatthey did. They'll come up to me and say: Why is it a working for day an Forgud,don't come up to me and say things like well, I don't know why. I drank don't come up to me and tell me you'rereally going to do it this time, this time, you're really going to do theFort Zepnopis at this this time, just to make me or yourself feel better.You know what I mean I mean I want to...

...hear that stuff. I want to see whatyou'R doin non, I'm the Perflimitta, I'm arationalizer. I tell myself rationalize to excuse my bullship and what I haveto do is I the forstep. Let me tell you some. I wolped atdoing the forestep. Ilistened with all my learning. I kept O tellg myself. I Don' havodude. How am Igoing to do this I'am I going to do this? All I had to do was a chart inthe bool I tell Yo. I had age, some Guy Hi'd to actually tell me I was doingcalculous on matifolds when I was eighteen years old. I was to amultibariable Capulus when I was nineteen years old o know some guy hada tell me when I sudy and I was reading the big. I readthe Big Book Several Times. I underwone some guy had to sing to me, pick up apencil and get a piece of aper and go start with the chart, and I went on ajus only sit where that come from. You know what I mean: That's how Brillian Iam that's Ow, that's how much this alcoholism, Co blind you but I'll tell you when you start seeingstuff when start stufffront's get ing reveal to you reveal to you. Magic happens, Magic Avons, and thenyou get to tell h m for some creading Tipillou guts to somebody and that's awhole. Another story that I'm going to talk about actually, but I you reallywant to get into this sports that it's only the beginning. Believe me, you don't want to go to thebank with the a banken and walk away with a Hamstandwich. You want to go forthe lobster. The whole did. You want to find o you WAN TA. You want to pickyourself apart and find out all F. It listen you're either going to befinding out all about yourself and escaping that bondage with all theother crap. That's bothering you or you, your limitation. Nobody gets Towai withanything in this deal or you're going to live. It's going to be a tough dealfor you, you may not drink. You may just Lik at Y e. You may not drink. Youmay be pinking up Y R, your twenty year regallion, you know, but I'll tell youit's going to come out. Nobody gets away with anything S. You know thee th,you can drink er. You just live a a tub, succh and DRI AB Yo life. You know whatI mean, but if you want what they had, you gotta do what they did. So. Thankyou very much.

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