AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 31 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 2 – “Step 2, God vs Insanity”

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Starting July 8, 2020

Well, hello everybody. My name is Russell Spats Sign, an alcoholic from Miami, Florida. That's why I am right now and I'm in south Miami. I haven't found necessary to have a drink since January twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one and some in my forty year now of dealing with our wonderful, wonderful disease, I'm so thankful. It's a great privilege. It's always good for me to be at an AA meeting. Very thankful and blessed to be here. It's privileged when anybody asks you to share. You know, I was I was talking a little bit before the meeting. I was brought up on step series in south Florida. What they used to do is they would tap somebody who, I guess people want what they had or something like that, and they would do twelve weeks on the steps and for the most part you start with the first step and go to the twelve step. I don't know where that's going to happen. We'll see how that works out. You know, if you have a hundred people at a mean people are carrying a hundred different things and and I guess it all depends more on where you're at then what I'm saying, but the bottom line is I was brought up on step series and I used to follow these men around and they were wonderful. These were guys who had, you know, wonderful emotional sobriety and I would follow these people around and that would be the deal and you would learn all about the steps. You would have, of course, sponsors, and I had incredible sponsors, but you always got to you got to, you know, basically hear from people have been doing this for like twenty, thirty years, forty years, and it was very, very helpful, and so we're very focused on on sort of like, you know, the serious, a a stuff down here and now. I thought for many years, since I was brought up on steps series, that this was the way it was all over the place. Of course we had discussion meetings and we had speaker meetings, but the weak the step series were very important in Daycap, browd and Palm Beach County and in Monroe County. And then when I started traveling throughout the United States going to different conventions and things like that, I would ask people, because there a step series and they looked at me like it's they wouldn't know what I was talking about. And I found out now I haven't been to every place in the United States, but every place I have been to people would say to me, I don't even know what you're talking about. We have we have speakers meetings and we have discussion meetings and will have a big book meeting, but we don't have step series. And then I learned that it was sort of like something that was indigenous just the South Florida, these steps series things. So that's why I'm so grateful. I think they're important. They were, they're very helpful down here. I'm grateful and privilege to be able to give you my take. You know, this is all my opinion, guys, and it's my experience. And the only thing that you know, my sponsor, one of my third sponsor, just passed away. He had like sixty three or sixty four years and my sponsor now has like forty five years, and and so and so the only thing I can say is that, you know, it says our stories disclose in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened, what we're like now, and I guess the only thing I can tell you about having the in my fourth year is I have a lot of stories. I have a lot of stories, you know, and so my first sponse used to say, Russell, when a man with experience meets a man with money, the man with the experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will walk away with an experience, and so I think experience sort of counts for things. You know, it's always good to have forty years of repeated humiliations and crushing of your selfsufficiency to bring into shape. You know, I should ask, can everybody hear me? You know, I hate to go through something like this and then find out nobody...

...heard anything you said. You know that kind of thing. So I'm hopefully I'm coming through. I'm not shouting or anything, so I'm I'm going to I'm going to read a couple things from our material. I'm going to read a couple things from our material and listen. We're talking about the second step. But if you happen to be you, if you all of a sudden you happen to hear something that you think relates to the six step or the seventh step, where the twelve step or the eleventh step. Well, the fourth step. That's not an accident. Don't discard that, because I'm just going to basically talk about my experience. And you know, the steps are interesting things. Is My son. But my son what just cam to room. He's got how many years? You got? Nineteen years run undetected drinking. So in any man, he just walked in the room and so we're going to let him stay. He'll behave himself. But that's our mind though. He does a great step series himself. So you know what what happens is these steps are sort of interesting. I believe each step pushes you into the next step and the only thing that holds you up hold you back, as your own alcoholism, this disease, hold you back. The steps and and the way we were told to think in here, in the brainwashing. I told my sponsor, I said, I know you're trying to brainwash me, and he said we'll. Maybe your brain needs washing, and it certainly did. And all these steps and what we do here are counterintuitive for alcoholics. I mean, let me tell you someone. I went up to my sponsor after two months and told him I was broke and I didn't have any money and they were going to evict me from my house, me and my wife and kid from my house, and I was scared, crapless, I didn't know what to do and I was asking for advice and he looked at me and he said, you know, Russ, I think it's about time you start making coffee for the group. And I can tell you right now I didn't think we were really having a conversation. I didn't think I didn't think you really understood what I was talking about. Buddy. I marched me over to the the Coffee Pot and and started showing me how to make coffee and I started making coffee the group in the next day. I didn't want to go back because I was broke and no money had come in and I was very depressed, but I had to go back as had to make the damn coffee for the group and I had to make an ended up making call for that group for eighteen months and the first three months somehow the money came in and the problem went away, and it's some of fact. Some guy came up to me. Have three months at I'll be the coffee make guys, and I'm the coffee maker. Get it, you know, and but, but you know something, and I don't know what you'll put this together. I'm just going to I'm just going to talk about you know what, if I talk about my life, somehow there's the steps going to be interwoven in there. And the reason they would be interlope. And it is because every story I have is the story is the thrill of victory, the agony of his feet. I don't have a story where it doesn't have something to do with this disease, alcoholism, going deep into the pit and become and somehow getting out of it and not and not drinking and being victorious because of God's help. I mean, I don't have a story that is not involved with the steps, that is not involved with the new way of thinking. Okay, I've spent forty years learning the hard way about the steps. How as we all learn the hard way about the steps, and I don't know, somewhere and the steps are such that they're so countering, too to itive. That's why I'd as in the book, Why all this insistence on hitting bottom? Because no one, no selfrespecting and alcoholic whose chief characteristic is de fines it's going to do any of this crap. Unless they think their life depends upon it or they have a desire, so, so much a desire that they they'll do anything to get what somebody else has, you know, program of attraction rather than promotion, and and it's I don't know how to instill desire in the people. I can't. That's a God thing and that's the deal. But but I'll give you an example of the funny thing about...

...the second step. I will talk a little bit about insanity. I not not a lot, little bit about insanity later on, but I want to really talk about the faith part, the the God part, because about God an insanity. You know, I'm going to tell you something interesting. When I told my sponsor I was broke and I needed money and I thought my life was over and it was never going to get better again, he said to me, I think it's about time you started making coffee for the group, and he walked me over to the Coffee Pot and he I started watching him make coffee and then I started making coffee. You know what that was about? Let me tell you what that was about. The second step. Now, you may not think that's about the second step, but when you start talking things that you think are saying and they're really insane. And then somebody older than you and AA says, I think it's about time you start making coffee with the group. And you know he's insane and he doesn't know what he's talking about. But somehow, some way, you can call it open mindedness or whatever you want to call it, somehow, some way, you walk over to the Damn Coffee Pot and you start making coffee for the group and you don't fire him and get another sponsor because he's stupid, or you don't leave the meeting. You make coffee with the group for eighteen flipping months. Let me tell you something. That's the second step. That's coming to believe that there's some power that you will never understand, that you don't get, that can restore you to Saturday. Now. You may not know it's the second stuff. It may not feel like the second step. You may not you may have to wait forty years to see the connection between the second step of recovery and making coffee for the group, but I'll tell you what. That's what it is and it's very subtle. It's a subtle sort of thing. At first it does look like God, you know what it looks like at first. It looks like submission, it looks like obedience, it looks like surrender. Three words that alcoholics don't like. Submission, obedience and surrender. Oh, three words they don't like. And that's the deal. So I want to tell you a couple of stories and I'm going to tell these stories to you and I'm going to read some from the book and I assure you that in my opinion and the way I look at things, this says everything to do with the second step and some of the steps that that follow in this deal. I when I was three on sober. I went to it. Now, I came today because I wanted to stop drinking. You know, I heard a guy once saying pretty much match me. I I can't day. I hit bottom when we when the consequences of my drinking came at me faster than my ability to lower my standards. I mean I got to a point in my life where I was thirty one years old. I thought my life was over, it was never going to get better again because I could not stop drinking. Now the amazing thing is after I came in, after many months, I figured out, I somehow learned that the drinking wasn't even the disc wasn't even the disease. It was a symptom of the disease that the real disease centered in my mind, not my body, and the real disease had something to do with the fact that I was crazy. It wasn't because I was crazy. Now, now, from a definitional set. I'm a lawyer, so I like words on words with from definitionally, when you have a step that says what will happen is you'll come to realize, come to believe that that a higher power will restore you to sanity. Sanity sound mine. You cannot not listen. Follow me. I'm not I'm not trying to be pedantic or you know. I'm just suggesting this to you. When you have a step that says you can be restored to...

...sanity, what they're really trying to say in a nice way, is you are insane, because you cannot be restored to sanity unless you're a fucking crazy. You understand? I am I am I making it. I want to make sure we're on the same page now. If you don't, I'm trying to make it as simple as possible. You understand what I'm saying. So you know, if you don't understand, we'll have like during the meeting after me will have like a little chat about that. So now I sponsored a guy named Tommy H Tommy is still sober. He's got thirty five years and he's doing a step series somewhere, you know. I think in Miami or something. Very great guy and we were both co prosecutor as I was, I was doing major crimes and I was division chief and they kind of state turns office. He was a co prosecutor with me and I came to day about three years before he did and he called me up and I took him to his first meeting and he was in really, really bad shape and I'm not going to going to how bad it was, for he was in bad shape. He took him do his first meeting. He took the AA like a duck took to water. It was unbelievable. He had hair down to hear. He was living on a probation officers sleeping on the floor. He had no clothes. It was and this guy was a Jock at the Florida State University as sharp guy with he went to his first day meeting. He was like home he the next day he got a haircut. He looked like the old Tommy. He was excited. He stopped drinking, stop using the cocaine to dry goods and all that stuff. It was he was. He was like rocketing, he was like going crazy because of alcoholics. He loved it. Every day he go to a meeting. Sometimes you go to two or three. My Name's a mom Tommy, I'm an alcoholic. After around two months I got a phone call from Tommy one day and in a hushed voice he says to me, he says, this is what he says to me. So I'm you can make this stuff up. He says to me, Russell, he says, I think I have to leave alcoholics anonymous, and I said, Tommy, what are you talking about, says, I said I got to leave. I got to leave a. So what do he got to leave as as Wellsie says, I don't think. I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I so what what do you mean? You're living on a probation office floor. You can't stop drinking. Sept I can't stop using cocaine. You comeing to a a, you stop drinking, you Love A. You've gone to like seventy meetings every mean, you say, my name's Tommy, I'm an alcoholic. It's your whole life. You think that? He says, I know, he says, I know, I know he's just but Russell, really, I have to have to leave. I haven't had a drink in like sixty days, but I have to leave. I said, whyss, listen, Russie's and he's whispering like somebody's listening and he's said Russell, listen, he says, I think, I think I might just be crazy. I think comes I might be just crazy. And I said, Tommy says what I said, Tommy, listen, I s is why. This is why he says, listen, you can be both. He said. Really, is said, absolutely. You See, what had happened with Tommy is what happens with a lot of us, is you stop drinking and it's wonderful and it's a miracle and then somewhere around two or three or four months down the road, you start thinking and you realize you're crazy because your mind is going. You got tenzero thoughts, all bad shit about yourself and other people. You got anxiety up the WAZOO. You're up, you're down, you're up, you're down, you're up, you're down. That's like the first hour. You know what I mean. You're just going crazy. And and the bottom line is is is you start experiencing something called the dis ease, and that centers in your mind, not your body, and you can stop the thinking, but the drink. But you can stop the drinking but the thinking. Well, that takes that fifteen, two thousand and twenty five years, you know, and eventually it actually started catching...

...when I really started, when I really the propt, you know, I always wanted my spots. You said, you know, what you need is equanimity, and I have a look up the word, and equanimity, apparently, is the ability to stay at peace, be at peace inside, when externally everything is falling the pieces. It's not necessarily be at piece when things are okay. It's the the Apostle Paul had a great line. He said I've learned the secret, the secret, he says, I've learned to be content in all things. I've been rich, I've been poor, you know, I've been in jail, I've been out of jail. He says, I can do all things to God, who centers me, he says. He said I've learned to see. You see, it's not a matter of feeling good when you have money, feeling good when you're having sex, you know, because every time you feel good, when you're when this is happening or that is happening you, it's generally fought up that when you feel that, you start feeling bad when it's not happening. Every time, every everything in this world that you lust after, that you get, that makes you feel not a piece of Crip, of piece of crap and allows you to feel like you're worthy. Then when it leaves or it's threatened, it's scares you, you know. I mean, you cannot put your faith in anything of this world, because the truth is that it comes and it goes and you know, you got to somehow. How do you develop the ability to be a piece of yourself and with other people, regardless of the circumstances of your life, for the circumstances around you? And let me tell you something. I don't know what kind of alcoholism you have, but I have the grave emotionally disturbed type. You know what I mean. That's a tough deal for me, you know, and I think I had good sobriety. Man I'll tell you. I did this thing like a son of a bitch, two or three meetings a day, you know, serve all the service and through a banquet chairman for two years. You know the whole bit, you know, and work in the steps and everything like that. And I can tell you this. I know what it's like to have anxiety and fear. I know it's like to have anxiety and fear at five years, at ten years, at fifteen years, at twenty years. I know what it's like to be nine years sober and talking the real Keith and saying what am I going to have after nine years of doing this thing like a son of a bitch, when am I going to get to the point where I'm going to have financial security? Because in the book it says fear people on financial security will leave you after nine years. I'm not trying at ninety days. I'm telling nine years of working this son of a bitch, sponsoring people, when am I going to have financial security? And I thought it was never going to happen. And he says to me, what are you talking about? I said financial security. You know what, I'm gonna have a million dollars. By the way, it's very hard to have a lot of money. When you spend money you don't have buying crap. You don't need to impress people you don't like because you're so worried about being accepted by other people and you worried about what they're thinking about you, even though you're constantly telling yourself you don't give a crap what other people thinking about you and you don't even realize. You know, listen, no matter how much money you make, and I can make some money, let me tell you something. You when you spend more money than you make, you going to debt. But it's a little secret. I I learned that, by the way, a ten years sobriety. That turn your sobriety. I learned that if you spend more money that you can make a million dollars. If you spend to you going to debt. I learned that a ten years. That's it's like advanced alcoholics. Anonymous. So so real. Keepston, what are you talking about it? I said, well, this is the promises. It says. I'm not find he says it doesn't say that. He says it does. I said I would just read it. You lose financial insecurity says, read it to me, I said, and I said I read it to him. I say, you know, once again I was once again nine years sober. Again I was broke again. I was working the same conversation, the same conversation I had with my first sponsor two months ober. I'm nine years sober. I'm having the same damn conversation with O'Keefe. I'm saying I'm broke, I don't know what to do. When am I going to get past this thing? And he says read it to me, and I said ready to me. He says fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave you. And says, yes, yes, the fear will leave. Use is now, Russell. You will always be broke, it just won't bother you. So yeah, I said, thanks for clearing that up. You know,...

...because and I worked it and you know, one day, you know, one day. Now, I'm not saying this is for you, don't get all halfier upset. One day I was twenty five years sober and I woke up and I was not worried about my bank account and I hadn't been worried about my back account for a long time. And it's sort of I don't know, sort of went away. I mean, I'm not saying it's perfect or one hundred percent or anything like that, but I my and one day I woke up and how I felt about myself and who I was and what I was and my happiness and not depend upon where I had money or I didn't have money. You know, it just it just didn't run my life. One day I woke up and my my happiness to not to depend on whether my wife was in a good mood or wasn't a good moo. My happiness then depends upon whether people like me or didn't like me. One day I woke up in my life and my happiness and how I was didn't depend upon the circumstances of my life. Because I had because in my mind I was I was always focused, because because after after twenty five years of working this thing and and and and improving my conscious contact with God and wanting this thing and focusing on God in the morning and folks him in the afternoon, to focus him on night and trying to really die to his will, you know, you know, they say turn it over living. It turned over life. What happened? As I stopped looking at all the other stuff. And you know, I can tell you this. When you have God is your treasure. I'll tell you this. That's what they may sermon on the mounts all about. You know, I don't really you know this. And alcoholics anonymous between nineteen thirty five and nineteen thirty nine, the books they found absolutely essential were first corinthians thirteen, sermon on the Mount of the book of James as Matterick. The first meeting of alcoholics anonymous was done by Dr Bob where he read sermon on the Mount and the sermon on the Mount. You know, it says, says don't put your faith in material things in this world. You know, don't be looking at that stuff. Don't be looking at the worldly clamors. Bill Wilson talked about. He said, let me tell you, some resentments are not the only thing that will stop the Sun Line of the spirit and be will stop. Will Stop, it will block it. You know, Greedi block it. You know. I mean, that's what I found in my life. Maybe it's you haven't found that in your life, but that's and you know, it's so hard to not lust after everything you could see, feeling touch. You know, it's almost as bad as drinking. That's a matter of maybe it's a little worse than drinking, because at least drinking, if you drink a lot, you suffer consequences. But let me tell you something. They don't rest her for driving off fat. They don't. They don't arrest her for driving while lusting after when. They don't arrest her for driving will while worried about and you know, you know, and I was in if only, or and yes, butter and it. You know, you know what. And if only you ever see you ever, you ever say to yourself, or even somebody else, if only I had a bigger house or a better house, I'd be okay. You ever say to yourself if only had different wife or a different husband, I'd be okay. You ever say to yourself I only had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, I'd be okay. You ever say yourself I only lost fifty pounds, I'd be okay. You're say yourself, boy, if I was all, if I only had a new blouse or a new car or I'd be ok you ever say if I only had something, I'd be okay. You know, I used I live that kind of life. That's my thought, that that's a thought. That's like Mus Act to me. If I had this, if I had that, if only get this, and you know what what? That's Alcoholic Code, by the way, and let me tell you what that's code for. That's when you say to yourself, I only had this, I'd be okay. What you're saying to yourself is I'm not okay. What you're saying to yourself is I'm not okay, as a matter of fact, on the piece of Shit. Sometimes you'll be lathering up in the shower and you'll all of a sudden to hear this voice.

I don't know about you, but I hear these voice in the voice says, I'm just out of nowhere, it says a voice says this, you're a loser, you go to kill yourself, you'll never be okay. Yeah, here, when you tell you so, here, when you're fifteen years over, you're that. You turn around to look who's saying that Shit to you. You're the only one in the shower. You know what that is? That's alcoholism. That's the DIS ease of alcoholism. That's the thing. Your power less over it. You can't think yourself out of that. You can't do anything to get out of that. You know, some higher power. I don't need higher power. I got a million higher powers. Goodlooking, blond, Nice body higher power for me. Let me tell you something. Cause me to do all sorts of things. You know, let me tell you some money, big higher power for me. Cars, big houses, big higher you know, something being accepted by other people. Do they like me? Huge higher power for me. I don't need a higher power, I need the highest power. Only the highest power can can can save me from the higher powers. I know what the higher powers are. In my life. There's a million of higher powers. I need the highest power because they after the booze. It's all about the higher powers. It's all about the worldly clamors that you can't escape from. You know, whenever I'm dealing with somebody who's a sponsee or something like that and they come up with me, they start talking to me about how they're in trouble or they're they're upset or whatever it is. It's always okay, well, what happened? Well, this woman, well, the money, well, the car, well, the job. It's always about the higher powers. It's all about that deal, you know. That's what it's all about for me. And that takes a long, long D I'll takes that. That's the drinking for me was the easiest thing to get rid of, the easiest thing because because at thirty one years of age, where I thought my life was over, I had I had, you know, like the six step. I had had I become ready for God to remove this thing from I was ready. I was ready to get rid of this thing, you know, not to thinking so much, but I was ready to stop the drinking, and I stopped to drinking, but to get ready to stop the thinking, to get ready to stop the worrying in the end and the anger and the frustration and the worrying about things and all this sort of crap. That the real disease that sent there's in your mind, not your body. That's a whole different thing. I went to a meeting when I was scream on sober. My my sponsor, Bob Solivans, went to a meeting that was a guy speaking named Al Kennedy. He was about the age I am right now, seven or seventy, seventy one. But the Alzheimer's is sending you got to Shi I didn't tell you. Yeah, I've got to mention I don't know that. My wife thinks I have the mention. Apparently, when you finally get to the point, let me just say apparently, when you finally get to the point where stuff starts stops, stops bothering you, you know things are going crazy around you and your wife is saying things like doesn't this upset you, or what are you going to do about this, and you sort of look like you're not really getting it because you know, you know, like people ask you, what do you think about this and you say, I don't you know. And when you get to the point where stuff stops bothering you, it looks very much like dementia. As a matter fuck, my wife had me tested. This is truth. I'm not lyed you. She had me test you. Says I think you have dementia. So she tested me. They give me the cat skin and everything he said. They told her I was okay. She didn't like what she wanted to be retested or something. I don't know. Maybe I don't know what they're happened. I don't know. There I have some emotional sobriety or dementia, whatever it is, I'm going to accept them. Find the way I am, but anything. I went to this thing with Al Kennedy and this guy started talking. He gave one of the best a leads. He spoke, he was doing the steps hers and he spoke for the hour and he was lifting people up and he's had he ever ever been with one of these people in a where if you just next to him, my sponsors like this. No matter what was going on in life, if I was hanging out with one of my sponsors, but one of these guys, these oldtimers, I thought I...

...was safe, no matter what was going on, if I was hanging out with Joe Snyder or Bob Sullivan or real key for one of these John Glenn I knew I was safe. I knew everything would be okay. I looked at them for for guidance. I would ask them questions. If they said to me, don't worry, everything's going to be okay, just don't drink, I would believe them, you know. And he was one of these guys, this Al Kennedy, and he was just incredible and, you know, we had a large group and he was just wonderful and after he was done, I turned to my sponsor and I said, what group does he belong to. So I wanted to hang out with him. You know, I was told long time ago that the person will be in the next five years, the progress you'll make, the personal be, will depend upon people you hang out with, in the books you read, and I bought into that. I could just hang out with these guys. I wanted to be with these guys. I wanted to hang out with these guys. I figured it was like a virus. You catch it, you know what I mean? And, as matter fact, there's an old saying his faith is not taught, it's caught, that you would catch it. You know, something would happen. They would say something, and my sponsor said this to me, the same guy who told me how to make coffee. He said, well, you know, he's dying, not now, you see. See, he would say weird things like this. You Got Understand, I'm broke, I need money. I think it's about time they caught food the group. I'm used to him saying stupid Shit, you know. So I would say I want to hang out with Alt Kenny, this guy is great, and he'd said, well, you know, he's dying, so you know. So I'm looking at it. I said, he mean he just did this meeting. yelped all. He says he's dying. What do you want to tell you? He's got six months to live. He's got cancer. I said what I said. He was. He didn't say anything about dying. He was just trying to help people. Didn't say anything about dying, you know, and he says, yeah, I know, but he is, he's dying. In six months later he was dead. You know, when I when I heard that, you know, when I met a man. I met a man. Listen to me, I want you understand something. I met a man in alcoholics anonymous. I met a man and alcoholics anonymous, and he was worried about his girlfriend. He wasn't worried about money. He was worried about a car. He was dying of cancer and he did an a mean and he helped other people and he was happy and he didn't talk about it. I saw that with my own eyes. Have you ever seen anything like that? I'm sorry for you. If you haven't seen anything. I saw it. You know something. My whole vision about what alcoholism is and what God could do for somebody my mind. Let me say, my whole vision about this deal went from the not drinking club to. How do I get that Shit? You understand what I'm saying. You know we have a line in the big book of Alcoholic sometimes you know what it says. If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take you're not even ready to take two steps unless you unless you build up a weed. People in AA, somebody you see when you say I don't know what the hell that guy has and I don't know how to get it, but I wish I could have what he has because you wanted u something. Everybody's physically sobering a. But I can promise you this. I don't want what most people have in a A. I've never wanted what most people have an egg. I wanted not to drink more than anything else, but I never wanted what most people had. You know calls. I always wanted what my sponsors had. The guys were the thirty years before and I wanted what they had thirty I wanted it in three months. I wanted their deal and I wanted to stop worrying about so I wanted to stop worried about money. I want to stop worrying about what people thought about me. I start I wanted to stop the CRIP. I was like Tommy. I wanted to stop the craziness because I met men that these were six step guys and seven step guys. You know, they had been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. They experienced much of heaven, and I can tell you this, I could tear this. Whether you understand God or not, whether you like God or not, or whatever the hell it is with you, with the problem with God, I can tell you this. If you find somebody that has something you don't have, that's extraordinary and you want what they have and you're willing to go to any...

...length to yet let me tell you something. You don't even have to worry about the second and third step. It's going to be cooked, because, if there's one thing I know about alcoholics, if alcoholics want man, I'll tell you something. If I wanted a Gal, listen, if I want if I wanted a Gal, if I was out of a friend and I wanted let me tell you something. I wanted what you had and I was wanting to go to any leth to get it. I can tell you something. I would bankrupt myself to get what I wanted to get from that Gal. You N stands I don't think about alcoholics. If you want something bad enough, you will kill people, you'll run over them, you'll lie, cheat and steal to get you want what some guy has an a. you'll hang around them, you'll go to a step series. He tells you to get down on your knees and say the third step, Rayer. You'll do that shit. You know what I mean. You may not even believe it, you'll just do it because maybe there's a chance you might get you'll hang out with those people and you want to something. If you don't want what they have, if you don't develop a weed and you don't what they had, if what you want, if you want what you had, if you want with a hack, you understand. If you want the house back in the car back, you want what you had, don't worry, it ain't going to happen because the bottom line is the second step, the third step. Every step in the book has to do with desire. Every step. You can't teach an alcoholic crap. They ain't even listening unless they desire the deal. And I don't know how to teach desire. I don't know how to do it. You know, I mean I guess. I guess it's possible. I mean I guess. Hey, I saw Al Kennedy. I guess you can experience desire if you see something you want, you see somebody that has something and you know it's not the dot drinking thing. You know it's the rocket in the fourth dimension thing. You know it's the separation of a men from the boys thing. You understand what I'm saying. You know that this is a man who try to grow on the image likeness, a creator. You may not even know where it is the big book, you may not understand it, but you know this. He's got something. You don't have alcoholics, anonymous, number three in the big book of alcoholics, anonymous alcoholics. The build dots and the man on the bed came to believe that's what it says. Came to believe this is what he said, and I understand this because I was there. It would be hard to estimate how much a had done for me. I really wanted the program and I wanted to go along with it. I noticed that others seem to have such a release, a happiness, a something I thought a person ought to have. I was trying to find the answer. I knew there was even more, something I had and God. And I remember one day, a week or two after I come out of the hospital, Bill was at my house talking to my wife and me. We're eating launch and I was listening and I was trying to find out why they had this release that they seemed to have. Bill looked across at my wife and said to her, Henrietta, the Lord has been so the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep talking about it and telling other people. I thought, I think I have the answer. Bill was very, very grateful that he had been released from this terrible thing and he had given God the credit for having done it and he's so grateful about it he wants to tell other people about it. That sentence, the Lord has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I just want to keep telling other people about it, has been a sort of golden text for the aid program and for me. Man, I'll tell you when you got what that guy has, when you want what these people have and you see when you want that Al Kennedy. Sobriety, I'm going to say, don't even let me tell you something. Put a fork in it. It's cooked. It's going to happen. You're going to hang around. Then you can hang out those people that I tell you get on your knees. They're going to tell you the prey. They don't give a crap with you believe in God or not. They're going to say do this if you want to hang with them, that's what you're going to be doing. That's what was happening over they listen. I know what the big book says. I know what it says. We lose all prejudice, even against organized religion. Doesn't it say that? We begin to see where these people are right. When they're right, we adopted readily, quickly. That's what sobriety is. That's what the big book says. I know. I hear the people that say I'm spiritual, not religious. I know what that's code for. I know what that's called for. You know it's. I know it's code for I don't believe in God. I know it's code for I'm spearit. I...

...know it's code for it says I'm not going to I'm I'm close minded. I know that's a way of saying that I don't believe in the big book and I'm not open mind and I'm so I know what that is. I get that, okay, when I have a book of Alcoholics, not when I know you just I don't know what bull your book says. Let's say really I would see a person fail who has thoroughly followed up path. Doesn't say that in your book. Does it say that in your book? I mean, you got to excuse me. I'm a little crazy about this stuff. Will this is what Dr Smith This is how Doc Smith twelve stepped Clarence. Dot Smith came in later and took over. This doct this, by the way, this conferst proved crap. Dot Smith came in later and took over. He sat on the edge of my bed and said, well, what do you think of all this? He then paused and looked at me doubtfully. I don't know whether you're ready yet. You're kind of young. I was down to a hundred and thirty five pounds, no job, no clothes, no money. I didn't know how much more already I could be. Recalled Clarence. Still I had to convince them. I was ready. Then he said you believe in God, Young Fella? Do you believe in God? How many times we heard people say don't mention God to newcomers, you might scare them away. You ever hear that? You ever hear that bullshit? Okay, then he asked, do you believe in God, young felt first question, Dr Bob Asks. He always called the young fellow. When he called me clads, I knew I was in trouble. What does that have to do with it, Dr Bob, everything, everything, everything. They weren't scared, they weren't ashamed. You know what the big book says. We don't argue with people about God. We're on a new basis, the base of trusting, trusting God. You know what people want. And when they come today and they're dying, they want an answer of death and wait. They don't want a lot of people worrying about whether or not they're ready or not, begging them to come into alcoholics anonymous, because they're more worried about what they prospect is going to think about them, but they're going to like him or not. Then telling him the truth. He says everything. I guess I do guess not that you need. You do or you don't. Yes, I do. That's fine, Bob replied. Now we're getting someplace. All Right, get down, get to get out of the bed and on your knees. We're going to pray. I don't know how to pray. I guess you don't, but that's all right. Just follow what I say and that will do for now. I did what I was ordered to do. Clarence said there was no suggestion. Dr Bob was always positive about his faith. Clarence said that someone asked them a question. What about the program is usually response was, what is it saying the good book? Suppose he was asked what is this? First things first, BOB would be ready with the appropriate quotation. Seek you first. The Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all the these things shall be at unto you, these guys were serious. When you came to a and nineteen thirty five to nineteen thirty nine, you knew exactly. You knew exactly what you were getting into. You didn't flounder around for twenty five years and maybe drank and feel sorry for yourself trying to figure out what they were actually saying. You knew exactly what was expected on you. Because, you know something, they loved you so much they didn't care what you thought about them. They would allow you to walk out of the door. On page one hundred, it says, on the other hand, we were taking them upstairs and giving that getting them on their knees to surrender, which I felt was a very important part. You can go to a meeting with gun on your knees. I'm just listen. This is page you look it up. Dr Bottom, the good old timers. You know when they wrote that? In nineteen thirty nine, they wrote a book and it said rarely I've seen a person fail who has thoroughly, thoroughly followed our path. They did not say do whatever the hell you want to do and everything's going to happen for you anyway. Thoroughly followed our path. This is what they were doing between thirty five and thirty nine. Here's the the details are in Dr Bobom the good old timers. On the other hand, we were taking them upstairs to get him on their knees to surrender, which I felt was very important. The surrender was more than important. It was a must. Bobby, who came into a and February...

...of Nineteen thirty seven. Recalled that after five or six days of the hospital, when you had indicated that you were serious, they told you to get down on the knees by the bed and say a prayer to God. Admitting you were palace over alcohol in your life is unmanageable. Furthermore, you had to stay that you believe in a higher power. Who would we return you to sanity. There you can see the beginning of the twelve steps. He said. We called that the surrender. We called that the surrender. They had a word for it. They called it the surrender. You're not going to never get to hear about an a today because we don't do it. I'm not saying we should do it, but don't trust me. This is not me saying we ought to do it. I'm just telling you, listen, you're child your own opinion. You just don't tell your own facts. I'm just telling you the next time, this is all I say to you. Next time. You read that in the big book. Rarely have we seen a pale pant person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. I want you to conjure up in your mind what they were doing back then they weren't doing what we're doing now. I can tell you that. You do whatever you want to do, you know. But you know, when you try to figure out a twenty years sober, while you're still a thumb sucking crybaby, worried about women, worried about girls and everything like that, just understand you're not actually doing alcoholics anonymously the way they were doing it. Just then it. Don't blame a A. Just understand you're not doing what they were doing. That's all. You know. It's like it's like a recipe. You know, use the write ingredients, you do the right thing, you get the cake, you get rocket and fourth dimension of existence. You sincerely give you a life to God. You know, you trust in God. You sincerely give yourself and try to figure out he's going to give you everything you need. If you do, he's going to God would give me everything you need if you stay close to him and performance work. Well, you know how? I know that because that's what it says in the big book of alcoholics anonymous. It says, and it says right here there you can see the beginning of the twelve steps. We call that the surrendered. They demanded it. You couldn't go to a meeting unless you did you couldn't go to a meeting unless you did it. If I accident, you didn't make in the hospital, you had to make it in the upstairs bedroom over the Williamson's house. Donthism been called the nine and sevent meetings, when the men would all disappear upstairs, all of us women would be nervous and worried about what was going on. After about it a half an hour or so down would come the new man, shaking white, serious and grim, and all the people who are already in a would come trooping down after him. They were pretty reluctant to talk about what had happened, but after a while they would tell us they had a real surrender. I often wonder how many people that come in now would survive and experience like that a regular old fashioned prayer meeting. I'm just telling you that. Hey, I'm just saying, I'm just saying. You know what I mean. Bill Wilson said the Lord has been so one for me. Threw me of this doubles these I got to keep talking about. It's all other people. So I just want to tell you one story and then we're I think we're probably out of time. Tell you one story, because that's what I think the second step, if not all the steps, are about. It's about surrender. So I'm just going to tell you one little story here. So I want to end. This is a true story. It's about I called Seeking Leo's Seeking Leo's so when I was about nine years Ober, ninety, ten years sober, talking to real chief and worrying about money. And you know, I don't know about you, but I'll tell you what happen with me every every five or so or six years. You know, you come a day. You know how they say it's easy to rest on your laurels and heading for trouble if you do. You know, I the guys I sponsor today. I'm more interested in emotional sobriety. And you know, the people are going to get sober and stop drinking. He gets over and stop drinking. But I'm ore interested in really helping guys with emotion. So I sponsor a lot of guys with fifteen years, twenty years, twenty five, thirty years, that kind of stuff. And you know, and they're not drinking, they're not going to drink, but they're not happy. They're not happy with their sobriety. You know, envision for you. It says now and then and an alcoholic, a drinker being drive the moment, says feel better, look better, I'm having a better time. We laugh at such sally. We know he's going to find the old game, try the old game again because he's not happy...

...with his sobriety. Soon he'll know loneliness is for you. Do you know what an alcoholic who's fifteen years sober or twenty years sober or thirty years sober, five years sober, picks up a drink after going to a when he picks up a drink, he's not picking up a drink because he craves alcohol. You know, I understand the craving. Your drinking. Then you drinking again. When an alcoholic who's been through this program, has been sober five or ten or fifteen years sobriety, he's not drinking again because he craves alcohol. He's drinking again because he hasn't gotten over. He has it. He hasn't. Whatever he's done, it has and arrested the disease, the disease of alcoholism. You know where? You know that, which which lives in your mind, not your body. He hasn't hooked up with that power, because that's the whole point of Premier Code of morals or a better pholocity of life would have solved our problem. We be sober long time ago. But those codes don't solve it. When you first come in it's really nice to say good, orderly direction. Then you don't have to believe you're not leaving God. You just do good orly direction. There's IT's like CIA, Geo d it's like God. You know what it is. You know the big book says. If a mere code of morals or better philosophy life would help me ease over. A long time ago, people in a try to figure out every possible way of talking about God without talking about God. We went from a place where they were getting down on their knees by the hospital bed and given their life to God to a place where people not only don't want to talk about God, want to use acronyms, okay, but they get pissed off at people that even read this shit. And the only reason I can read this shit it's because, quite frankly, I don't really care whether you like me or don't like me, I'm more care when I get off this thing. That's whether I like myself, because I did well I was supposed to do and told you the truth. So you can ignore it all you want, nor it all you want. It does matter. It's in the book, you know. Just if you, if you just write New York and say there's some crazy old timer here, you know I mean, and he's like reading shit out of the book and we don't like it. It's just pissing me off. You know what I mean. That's all. I'll just tell him that. Just don't rip that crap out of out of the book. You know, see to what your relationship with him is right in great events will come to best. So who do you think he's thought? They're talking about you know, but we won't know you. We don't know about that. God will determine that. So your real realiance has to be on him. He will even show you how to create the fellowship you crave. I'll tell you who you are. I can tell you exactly you are. You are whoever you seek to hang around. I'll just look at the people you're hanging around and what you're talking about, what your thought life is about. What's important to you, what you're focused on, what you're focused on, I'll find out where you're coming from. Your Bullshit. I get that deal like they have been around long enough. I know what the deal is. Is No, this is, this, is, this is the major leagues here, you know. So when I was about nine to ten years so what happens? You get to a point where you're physically sober, you may be even doing good, you may be doing good in business, and you get to a point where you hit like glass seat ceiling. You're like the guy like Gil Dotson. You knew there's something. You know there's something more, there's something you don't have. You going to a a, but the meetings are not the meetings are not power. You got a form of a a, but there's no power. They're not powerful enough to get you to that next level. But just it just won't do it for you. You know what I mean. And so you're seeking. You're seeking. You Know Bill Wilson says, God will always show up if you want him enough, if you desire him enough, if you want what we have and are willing go to analate to get it. And you know, if you want we have the willing go to any light to get it. That works for somebody with one day, it works for somebody with one year. It works for somebody with ten years, it works for someone with twenty years. I'm always on the lookout for somebody that has what I want to try to get that because I can't do it myself. I'm parent. Somehow I can't. All the thinking in the world, all the reading in the world, all the self help books in the world, I get to a point where I just can't make the leap to the next level unless I have some...

...some stupid old timer saying once you shut the hell up and do this. And so when I was nine, a ten years Ober, I had some guy told me to start going to church. You know, I didn't even realize that. I've been reading the Big Book, I had memorized the big book. I knew all that. I didn't realize that in at least two places the big book he says we encourage Church membership. Did you know that? Did you know they say that? Yeah, well, you wouldn't know if you're spiritual, not religious. You won't even understand that. But they actually you know, they say they say it's not obligatory, but most of US belong to churches. So if you're a typical alcoholic and said to say, well, most of them belong the cheered churches, so maybe I'll try that thing, you'll say something like this. Well, I'm not going to do that. You under said. You're just you just won't fall instructions. I'm ten years sober, I'm fifteen years sober. I'm doing okay. I'm spiritual, not religious, and you won't do it. It's fine, no problem. You know, there is a step that separates member from the boys, you know, the men of those who are trying to grow in the image and like their creators, and then there are guys are just sort of like to join in not drinking club. I'm sober. That's good enough for me. There, as the six step says, they settle. Read the six step. They settle for what they have. But I didn't want to settle because I wanted that Al Kennedy Sobriety. I didn't want to have to worry about dying. I don't want to have to worry about all these things and, as I said, I was still worried about money that ten years ober. So even though at first I said No. I ended up going to the church and I met my next sponsor, which was good, and it was going named John Glenn, who had sixty two years and my second sponsor had passed away and John Glenn was right there. And you know they say when the pupils ready, the teacher will appear. And I started going to Bible study and I went to a couple Bible Studies. I never let up on A. I doubled up on it. I doubled up on a. You can imagine. It was terrible. You know I'm a terrible listen, you don't want to be around me. Yeah, listen, you can tell. You know so fanatic. You I'm one of these a fanatics. But but I got a fanatical disease. You know, I don't have a mild form of this shit. So the bottom line is is that I start going to Bible Studies. I started going to I joined the church. I've him, a deacon of the church, and he believe that I told the scene to pastor large church. I said, I said, you got UN stand, I'm an ACOHOL. Come crazy. Yeah, you'll be the crazy deacon. You know what I mean. We got the crazy deacon. You know, somebody comes into the church, sees me, he's crazy, I'm send them to you. You know what I mean. So I'm you know, it's just about helping people and being of service and you know and and you know the people, and you know people in Church aren't aren't perfect. They're not perfect. You know. I know we're scared. I'm deserferent. That just they just are always focused on God. They're absolutely insane about God. It's crazy people are. They're crazy. And you know, when you're living, don't likely trying to get a conscious contact with God. You want to hang out with you. I'M gonna. I'm going to Sunday school. They show they hold up a picture of a squirrel. They say, what is this? I know it's a squirrel, but I know the answers. Jesus. What can I tell you? It's great. They're crazy. Everything is God, God, God, God, God. But let me tell you something. When the world is out to kill you, because you're saying, if I only had this and I only at that, and you're only your only chance is to be on a new basis, to be focused on God, let me tell you something. You want to hang out with the God people. So I'm hanging out. So this is the story. I'm in my car. In my car I got the Big Book of Alcoholics and on this on the dish board, I got the twelve and twelve. On the dish board I got Dr Bob the good old times. On the dish board I got a I got a King James Bible. That's I can't tell you how big it is and it's red and it's on thesh but I got a big dish board. Okay. And I pull up to my to my dry cleaner and and my house is like a block away, but you could see my house from the dry cleaner the house at that time, and I pull up in. This kid comes out and he's sixteen years old, sixteen, seventeen years old, young kid, and his pants, I don't even know I'd explain this. Guys, his pants are down to his knees.

Have you ever seen this deal? His pants are down to his knees and I'm looking at him, he's looking at me and he goes like this. He says, now you can you see my hands? He says, I got one of those. He doesn't. He doesn't point like this. He's I got one of those and I said, he's pointed by death place. Is One of what? And he says one of those, he says, I said you mean the Bible. I said yeah, I got one. I got by. I said you read it. He says yeah, I read it. He says, I don't understand it. He says, I'man says, says, I understand that. It's hard to understand. He says, well, you know. I said what your name is? Is My name's Leo. I said, I'll tell you what, Leo. You said, you know it's hard to understand, and let's go to a Bible study and then you can study. Another man can help you do it. He's Oh, yeah, really, says. Yeah, I tell you what, Leo. You see that house over there, and I point to my house. He says, every Thursday morning thirty, I go to a men's Bible study. If you come to my house at seven fifteen in the morning, if you go to my house, I will take you to the Bible study. Says Really, since absolutely and I leave and I forget all about Leo, forget all about them. Next Thursday comes along. I walk out of my house to go to my Bible study. Guess who standing by my car? Leo with the Bible. I remember him. I see him. I said Hey, how you doing? Leo's is fine. He says, Hey, you ready to yeah, I said, get in the car. We drive over the Bible study. Now you got to said his Bible study. I'm I'm forty five years old and I'm the youngest guy in the Bible study. This is my sponsor. He's like seventy eight. You know, there's everybody. It's like they've been around for a million years. You know, Presbyterian Bibles. It's like unbelievable. I mean these are serious content unders, you know what I mean? You know, older guys and all that sort of stuff. And that the you know, the last let me tell you something. You want to end well during the last part of their lives. And we go around with the ID we're studying the Bible, which was the source material for the big book. So we're talking about the same thing. But so whatever you talk about an Ay, we're talking about the same stuff. Temptations and defects of character, idols, you know, it's all the same stuff. So at the end and they're all happy to see you know, you know how we're we are with newcomers there, of course, you know young blood there. You know this guy's like sixteen, seventeen years old. They're going God, God. So he raises his hand. He says, I think it began he they said, what you have to says is I think Jesus was an alien. Yeah, yeah, great, great, Jesus. Keep coming back, he said, when he's just keep coming back in. Yeah, Jesus, no problem. So I'm driving him back, Leo back, and he said, I said, how do you like to see? Yeah, I like that. As I said, Hey, Leo, they loved you. They loved you. You were great, you know. So I'm driving back. So he says to me, could you do me a favor? I said sure. What he says, instead of driving back to could you drive me to my house? I said sure, I'll be happy to drive you the house. And so I said, what are you doing? Say we'll go back to your house and all direct you from there. So I drive back to my house and he says go down the street there and then make a ride at the stop sign and go down the street there and make a left, and they make a ride and the left and we drive about six or seven miles and we're at his house and while we're driving I'm talking to him and I find that he's a young kid. He's, you know, young man, sixteen years old, and he's got a single mother who's got a three year old daughter from another guy, you know what I mean. And he's just a young, sixteen year old kid trying to figure out what the damned world is all about, with no man in his life to help them. Nothing, not a you know what I mean, just sixteen years old, single mother, three three year old sister. And so I'm talking to him as we go by and and he starts directing me. So now we're like six or seven miles from my house, and so I say to them, I stopped since that's my apartment. Thanks a lot, buddy. I said, Oh, it's great, it says. So I asked him, I said, how did you get to my house? And he says this. He says he woke up at three o'clock...

...in the morning. He woke up at three o'clock in the morning, took a shower and then he walked six miles and he actually got to my house early. He waited for about a half an hour forty five minutes because he didn't want to miss me, because he didn't want to miss me because that's how much he wanted to go to the Bible study. That's how thirsty he was for this. And I have people in alcoholics anonymous, and they say to me, you know, can I hang out with you? As I said sure. I said, where's your I say where's your I said, come on down. Every Saturday we have a we have a meeting. I got sponsies to come, we have me, we have like a little workshop. Come on down, he says, whereas I say it's and I tell him where it is. And they said, wow, that's a little far. That's a little far. You know what I mean. So when, so, when people start talking, Beau, that's I'm always looking for the Leos. I can't, I can I what what the second step, to me, is about. It's about getting to a point, after you stop drinking, where you develop a group of men or women where you say you want what they have do you don't want to be at all the pay at all has to do with now, we don't put people on pedicials, but I know what that means. When we say we don't put people on pedestals. What it means is always understand that any one of us, including me, could be gone like that. That's how fast we could go, because I can tell you this, even though I've been sober for almost forty years now, I know I could be drunk an hour from now. I believe that. Now, people that are not an a and don't have this deal going don't understand what that's all about. I've never said nor I will. You will never hear me say I'm never going to drink again. I would. How would I say that? How would I have the guts that? How would I have the impunity? How would I how could I pot? I'm built. I'm Bill Wilson. Buddy, the Lord has been so wonderful. Make journeys. I got to keep talking about in time. Listen, I gotta STEEP Say I'm sober through the grace of God's grace. You know, that's the deal. I understand what the stories. I got to stay close to him. If I'm not close to him, I'll be. You know what, I'll be close to me if I'm not close to him. Mouth. But you know what I do before every me and I pray. I say God please get me out of you. I don't want to be around you, don't want to hear from me. I know who I'm. All of that, you know. Come on into the picture. And the bottom line is is that to me, this is all about getting coming in and somehow adopting a Wei, a we so that you will you will start following people because who you are, or you'll want what other people have, and I don't know how to get people to do that. I mean, all I can do is do what I do, give my test to my tell my story. If there's somebody out there says, man, I'd like I like that guy, I like you know. It's all about attraction. I want that deal, then they'll follow me and they'll come around, they'll listen, they'll say maybe, if you like you know, I'll tell you. As I said, I honestly do believe that you are who you hang out with, you know, and the person you're in and who you hang out with with, the books you read will determine what you become and the books will you read will determine who you hang out with. But I do realize that later on, even though I was hanging out with a lot of good people that eventually also have to do a little work. You got to work the steps. But of course I hung around people that, what weren't going to accept my bullshit. You know, I'm an arrogant know it all. I'm around people that would tell me to shut up, sit down and do this. I hung around the Dr Bob's. I hung around people that would tell this arrogant lawyer who was smarter than anybody, who's going for department wives and at Max who's going for a PhD and Algebraic topology. I hang around got use car sales and who would tell me shut up and do what I tell you, and I would do it. And the only reason I...

...would do it is because I knew everything. But that's all I knew. I didn't know how to be like them. I could never be like them and I wanted to be like them. And if somebody doesn't want what we have, I can let me tell you something. I can't help them. In alcoholics anonymous, if you read that book, they weren't begging people. I can tell you one thing. They were not begging people to stay sober. That's what they do in Alana. They beg people to stay sober. I guess. I don't know. I want to put that Alan on in Alcoholics Anamo. You know what they're doing right there. You had a proof to them you were ready. You had to prove to them that you were ready. You know, they they didn't. You know the guys I are with Real Keith. Let me tell you something. The further he was, he was not scared to say want you go out and drink? You know. So I don't know where the magic is in this deal. I know what happened to me, and so that's all I got to say. That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Okay, so I don't know how much time we got left or what the story is here, but I think that's it, guys,.

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