AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 31 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 2 – “Step 2, God vs Insanity”

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Starting July 8, 2020

Well, hello, everybody. My name isRussell, spat Si'm, an alcoholic from Miami Florida. That's where I am rightnow and I'm in Southlaamia. I haven't found nutary to have drink sinceJanuary. Twenty Fifth Nineteen Eighty one andsaw him in my fortieth year now of dealing with our wonderful wonderfuldisease, I'm so thankful, it's a great privilege, it's always good for me tobe at an Aameatintoem, very thankful and blessed to be here, it'spriviledged when anybody asked you to share you know I was. I was talking a littlebit before the meeting O. I was brought up on step series insouth Florida B, t what they used to do is they wouldtap somebody who H. I guess people wanted what they had or something likethat, and they would do twelve weeks on the steps and h for the most part. You start with thefirst step and go to the twelfth step. I don't know hat that's going to happen,we'll see how that works out. You know if you have a hundred people in a man,people are currying a hundred different things and- and I guess it all depends more onwhere you're at and what I'm saying, but the bottom line is. I was broughtup on step sras and I used to folleese men around and they were wonderful.These were guys who, had you know, wonderful, emotional sobriety, and Iwould follow these people around h and that would be the deal and you wouldlearn all about the steps uh you would have of corsesponsors and I hadincredible sponsors, but you always got to you got to you know basically hearfrom people. Hav Been doing this for like Abo t twenty thirty years on years,and it was very, very helpful and so we're very focussed on on sort O, like you know the theserious AA stuff down here now I thought for many years since I wasbrought up an step sher. He said this was the way it was all over theplace. Of course we had discussion meetings and we had speaker meetings,but we step series were very important in day. CA. Brown, a Pombach County N in Myrow County andthen when I started travelling throughout the United States going todifferent convections and things like that. I would ask people hes teer, stepseries and they'd looked at me like they wouldn't know what I was talkingabout and I found out. No, I haven't been tovery place in the United States, but everyplace I have been to people would say to me: I don't even know what you'retalking about. We have. We have speakers meetings and we havediscussion, meetings and we'll have a big book meeting, but we don't havestep series and then I learned that it was sort of likesomething that was indigeous just to south Florida. These stepsurios things.So that's why I'm so grateful I think they're important they e they're, veryhelpful down here. I'm grateful and privileged to be able to give you my take. You know this is allmy opinion dies and it's my experience and the only thing that H, you know my sponsor one of my my mythird sponsor just passed way. He had like sixty thre or sixty four years,and my spontorno has like forty five yearsand and so, and so the only thing I can say is thatyou know it says our stories disclose in a general way what we used to belike what happened to what we're like now, and I guess the only thing I can tell youabout having you on my fith years. I have a lot of stories. I have a lot ofstories you know, and so my first sponse used to say Russel whena man with experience meets a man with money. The man with the experience willwalk away with the money and the nail with the money will walk away with anexperience, and so I think, experience Thart of counts for things. You know it's. It's always good to have fortyyears of repeated humiliations and crushing of your self sufficiency tobring into shape. You know I should ask. Can everybody hear me, you know I hate to go through somethinglike this and then find out. Nobody...

...heard anything. You said you know thatkind of thing so and hopefully I'm coming through I'm not shouting oranything. So I'm I'm go. I'm going o read a couple of things from armaterial.I I read a couple of things from our material and listen we're talking aboutthe second step. But if you happen to be, if all of a sudden you happen to heressomething that you think relates to the sixstep or the seven step were thetwelve steff or the elevenste with the fourthstep. That's not an accident.Don't discard that because I'm just going to basically talk about myexperience- and you know the stamps are- areinteresting. Things is my son O. I saw Wat to scamble e room. He's got howmany years you got nineten nineteen years, O undetected drinker so a Alen.He just walked in the room and Soe N. let him stay he'll behave himso, butthat's her mind. He does a great step series himself. So m. You know what what happens is h. These these steps are sort ofinteresting. I believe each step pushes you into the next step and the onlything that holds you hold you back as your own alcoholism. This disease holdsyou back the the stason and the way W we're toldof thinking here, ind the brainwashing, I told my sponsor, I said I know you'retrying to brainwash me and he said well, maybe your brain needs washing and itcertainly did and all these steps in what we do here ar counter intuitivefor alcoholics, I mean, let me tell you somethine H, I went up to my sponsor APfor two months and told him I was broke and I didn't have any money and theywere going to vic me from my house me and my wife and kid for my house and Iwas scared crapless. I didn't know what to do and I was asking for advice andhe looked at me and he said you know us. I think it's about time.You start making coffee from the group and I can sayl you right now. I even'think we were really having a conversation. I didN'TTHINK. I didn't think he really understoodwhat I was talking about, but I marched me over to the to the coffee pot and H and startedshowing me how to make coffee, and I I started making coffee tegroup and thenext day. I didn't want to go back because I was grope and no money hadcome in and I was very depressed, but I had to go back as had t make the damncoffee for the Groov, and I end e Ma- ended up making Coul for that group foreighteen months and the first three months. Somehow the money came in andthe problem went away and, as a matter of fact, some guy came up to me. APthree months aid I'll, be the coffee, Makeria, im te coffee maker get rid,you know and B t, but you know something, and I don't know whether you'll putthis together, I'm just Gointo, I'm just going to talk about you know. If Italk about my life, somehow there's the steps going to be interwoven in thereand the reason h to be interopen is cause. Every story I have is the story.Is the thrill of victory the agnefis feet? I don't have a story where itdoesn't have something to do with this disease: alcoholism going deep into thepit and Becoin and somehow getting out of it and not and not drinking to beingvictorious. Because of God's help, I mean I don't have a story that is notinvolved with the steps that is not involved with a new way of thinking.Okay, I spent forty years learning the hard way about the steps. How, as weall learn the art, Way Bout, the steps- and I don't know somewhere in thestepser section they're so counter and too tutive. That's why it says: T Ebook wyl This insistence on hiaving bottom, because no one, no selfrespectingand alcohol whos Choth CHARACTERISTC is the fine is going todo any of this crap unless they think their life depends upon it or they havea desire so so much with desire that they they'll do anything to get whatsomebody else has you know a program of attraction rather than promotion, andand it's I don't know how the Ond still desireinthe people. I can that's a Godthing and that's the deal, but but I'll give you an example and the funny thingabout the second step. I will talk a...

...little bit Baut in Saundia, not not alot a little bit about seventy later on, but I want no really talk about the thefaith part th, the God part Asit's about God and insanity. You know I'm going to tell yousomething interesting. When I told my sponsor I was broke andI needed money, and I thought my life was over and wasnever going to get better again. He said to me, I think, that's about time. You startedmaking coffee for the group and he walked me over to the coffee,pot and E. I started watching him make coffee and then I started making coffee.You know what that was about. I'm going t tell o what that was about the secondstap. Now you may not think that's about thesecond step, but when you start talking things that you think are Sayng andthey're really insane and then somebody older than you when Aa says, I thinkit's about time. You start making calls from the group, and you know, he'sinsane and he doesn't nobodyhe's talking about, but somehow someway you can call anopenmindedness or whatever you want to call it somehow someway you walk overto the Damn Coffee Pot and you start making coffee for the group ND. Youdon't fire him and get another sponsor because he's stupid or you don't leavethe meeting you Mak coffee with Ha Group for eighteen flipping months. Letme tell you something: that's the second step. That's coming to believe that there'ssome power that you will never understand, t you don't get that canrestore you to satirty. Now you may not know it' Te, Seten Tu. It may not feellike the second stuff you may not. You may have to wait forty years to see theconnection between the second step of recovery and making coffee for thegroup. But I'll tell you what that's what it is and it's it's very subtle. It's asubtle sort of thing at first it doesn't look like God. You know what itlooks like at first it looks like submission. It looks like obedience. It looks likesurrender three words that alcohols: Don't like submission obedience andsurrender. Oh three words. They don't like and that's a deal. So I want totell you a couple of stories and I'm going to tell these stories to you andI'm REAC homself in the book, and U I assure you that, in my opinion and theway, I look at things this hays everything to do with the second stepand some of the steps that that follow inthis deal. IAH. When I was three months over, I I wentt noi came to aid ecause I wanted to stop drinking. You know I I heard a guy once sayingpretty much maxme I I came ta I hit bottom when Ewhen theconsequences of my drinking came at me faster than my ability to lower mystandards. I mean I got to a point in my life where I was thirty one yearsold, I thought my life was over and I was never going to get better againbecause I could not stop drinking now. The amazing thing is after I camein after many months. I I figured out. I somehow learned that the drinkingwasn't even the it wasn't. Even the disease, it was a symptom of thedisease that the real disease sentid. In my mind, not my body and the realdisease had something to do with the fact that I was crazy. It wasn't ecause.I was crazy. No now from a definition, Sat I'm a lawyer Soi, I like words onwordsmith from definitionlly. When you have a step that says what'll happen isyou'll, come to realize CA. Believe that that a higher power will restoreyou to sanity, Sani, Sound Mine, you cannot n, listen, foundly, I'm not I'mnot trying to be pedaatid or Y K. ow. I'm just suggesting this to you. When,when you have a step at says, you can...

...be restored to sanity. What they'rereally trying to say in a nice way is: You are insane because you cannot berestored to sanity unless you're fucking, crazy, you Understan A. I am Imaking. I want to make sure we're on the same page now, if you've I'm tryingto make it as simple as possible. You understand what I'm saying. So you knowif, if you don't stand we'll have like during the meeting after me, I look alittle chat about that. So now I sponsored a Guye named Tommy H, Tommyhas still sober, he's, got thirty five years and he's Stilin a step seriessomewhere. You know, I think, in Miami or something very great guy and we wereboth Co proscuters I was, I was doing major crimes and I was division chiefand Dayca Sta sers of seems, Co prosecuted with me, and I came agayabout three years before he did and he called me up and I took him to hisfirst din and he was in really really bad shape and I'm not GOINGTO Gointohow bad luky was in bad shape. He took him to his first meeting. He took the aa like a duck took to water. It was unbelievable. He had hair down to ear.He was living on a probation, offece sleeping on the floor. He had noclothes, it was, and this guy was a Jock at Florida, State University, a sharp guywith he went to his first day meeting. He was like home. He, the next day hegot a hair cut. He looked like the old Tommy, he was excited. He stoppeddrinking, stop using the cocaine to dryegoots and all that stuff it was hewas. He was like rocketing. He was like going crazy cause about cos in he lovedit every day, he'd go to a meeting. Sometimes you go to two or threemime'smn Tommy, I'm an alcoholic. After around two months, I got a phone callfrom Timmig one day and in a hushed voice. He says to me,he says, is what he sestame. I somyou can make this stuff up. He says to meRussell. He says I think I have to leave alcoholics anonymous. Then I said Tommy. What do you Talkini?I said I got TA leave I' gotta Levarat's, a Wi mee got leae as wellseaes. I don't. I don't think I'm an alcoholic.I said what what do you be you're living on a probation, officece floor?You can't stop drinking cept, Ot Ken Sop, using cocaine you com into a you,stop drinking. You love a you've gone to like seventy meetings, every meanyou say my name's Tommy, I'm an alcoholic, it's your whole life. He BeS. I know he says I know I know, but Russell really I have to I have to leave. I haven't had a drinkin like sixty days, but I have to leave y somewises as listen russes and he'swespering like somebody's, listen g and he said rusfing listen. He says I thinkI think I might just be crazy. I think I'I might be just crazy and I said Tommy says when I said: Tommy listen as his WI EAS wite. As is listen. You can be both. He said. reallyabsolutely, you see whathad happened with Tommy is what happens with a lot of us as you stop drinkingand it's wonderful and it's a miracle and then somewhere around two or threeor four months down the road. You start thinking and you realize you're crazy cause yourmind is going. You got ten thousand thoughts, all bad shit about yourselfand other people. You got anxiety up the Wazo you're up you're down you'reup you're down you're up you're down a d. that's like the first hour. You knowwhat I mean: You're, just going crazy and, and the bottom line is is, is youstart experiencing something called Bdisese and that centers in your mind,not your body and you can stop the thinking but the drink. You can stopthe drinking, but the thinking well, that takes about fifteen twent andtwenty five years. You know and eventually it it actually s ATCA. WhenI really started when I rea the pro Yo...

Ow, I always wante my spots, who saidyou know what you need is equanemity and I have ' looked up. The word andequadimity apparently is the billy to stay at peace, be apece inside len. Externally everything is fallingto pieces. It's not necessarly to be at peace.When things are okay, it's it's! The the APOSTILEALL had a great line. Hesaid I've learned the secret the secret. He says I've learned to be content inall things. I've been rich, I've been poor. You know I've been in jail. I'vebeen out of jail, he says I can do all things we God who centers me. He sayshe said I've learned to you see it's not a matter of feeling good when youhave money feeling good when you're having sex. You know because every timeyou feel good, when when this is happening, or that is happening, youit's generally fon up that when you feel then you start feeling bad whenit's not happening every time. Every everything in this world that you must,after that you get that makes you feel not a piece of crip a piece crap andallows you to feel like you're worthy then when it leaves or it's threadened,it scares you. You know I mean you cannot put your faith in anything ofthis world 'cause. The truth is they. It comes, and it goes and you know yougotta Somehow, how do you develop the ability to be a peace with yourself with otherpeople, regardless of the circumstances of your life or the circumstancesaround you? And let me tell you something: I don't know what kind ofalchoholism you have, but I have the grave a mostly disturbed type. You knowwhat I mean: That's a tough deal for me. You know, and I think I had goodsopriety an I'll tell you. I did this thing like a son of a bitch two orthree meetings a day. You Know Sert all the service and to back with ChairmanFhe two Y Yo. Now the whole bit. You know and working the steps andeverything like that, and I can tell you this. I know what it's like to haven anxiety in fear. I notice like to have anxiety in fear five years at tenyears, at fifteen years and twenty years I know whatit's like to be nineyears, sober and talking the Rao Keef and saying what am I going to haveafter nine years of doing this thing like a sun of a bitch? When am I goingto get to the point wherim and have financial security, because in the bookit says fair people on Financialand security will leave you after nineyears I', Not Tal? U! Ninety days, I' toling nine years at work in this Sonofe bench, sponre people when are hi going to have financial security, and Ithought it was never going to happen thand. He said to me: What are youtalking? I said: Financiall Securitit? U Know What am I going o have a milliondollars by the way, it's very hard to have a lot of money. When you spendmoney you don't have byind crap, you don't need to opress people, you don'tlike 'cause, you're, so worried about being accepted by other people. An youword about what they're thinking about you. Even though you're constantlytelling yourself you don't give ecrop what other people thinking about youand you don't even Reaie, you don't listen, no matter how much money youmake and I can make some money. Let me tell you something: When you spend more money than you makeyou gointo debt youbit's a little secret. I I learned that by the way,ten years te Brioe O turn your soriety. I learned that if you spend more moneythat you coal make a million dollars, if you spend two, you go into debt andI learn that Tenyese is like avanced alcoholic anonymo, so so Rao Ki saidwhat are you talking about n? I saidn the promises. It says I'm O fi. He saysit doesn't say that says it does. I said I wuld just ren it lose financialin sexurity. Says: read it to me. I said, and I and I read it so i Sai Yo k.Once again, I was once again nine years. Ober again I was broke again. I was wothe same conversation, the same conversation I had with my frienstsmonsored two months: Ober, I'm nine years sober I'm having the same. Damnconversation with o'keeth, I'm saying I'm broke. I don't know what to do.When am I going to get past this thing and he says: read it Tom Hin and I saidRit to hi and says fear of people and of econopt in security. Will leave youand says yes, yes, the fear will leave. Ue is now Russell. You will always bebroke, it just won't bother so ye. I...

...said thanks for clearing that up, youknow 'cause, and I worked at Nyou Kow one day. Youknow one day. No, I'm not saying this is, for you don't get all hufpy EUR set.One day I was twenty five years sover and I woke up, and I was not worriedabout my bank Accoun and I hadn't been worried about mybackcout for a long time and it'sort of went away. I mean I'm not saying it'sperfect or one hundred percent or anting like that, but I m n one day Iwoke up and how I felt about myself and who I was and what I was and my happiness did not depend uponwhether I had money or I didn't have money o know it just just didn't, run my lifeone day I woke up and my my happiness. I not to depend on whether my wife wasin a good mood. It wasn't a good moone. My happiness then depends upon whetherpeople liked me or didn't. Like me, one day, I woke up in my life and myhappiness and how I was tendepend upon the circumstancesof of my life, because I because in my mind I was I was alwaysfocussed- be because, after after twenty five years of working this thing and and and improving my consciouscontact with God and wanting this thing and folksing onGod in the morning, a folks Hem an in the afternoon folks am on night andtrying to really die to his will. You know you know how they say, turn itover Livin. It turned over life. What happened is I stopped looking at allthe other stuff and Yo kN w? I can tell you this whenyou have God? Is your treasure I'll tell you this that's what the theChermin on the mounts all o. You know I don't know whet you know this and ourthouts namous betwee, nine htneen, andthirty, five and and nineteen thirtynine. The books they found absolutely essential, were first thrinthians thirteen sermon onthe mountn to book a Janes as Mappik. The first meeting of AlcoholIsanonymous was done by Doctor Bob, where he read sermon on the mouth andthe sermon on the Mount. You know it says: SIST, don't put your Fath inmaterial things in this world. You K, ow, don't be looking at that stuff,don't be looking at the the worldly clamers go Wilson Talk to that. Hesaidlet Tay, some resemtments are not the only thing that will stop thesunlineon spirit and people's thought, we'll stop itwe'll block it. You know greed'll block it. You know I mean that's what I foundin my life. Maybe s you haven't found t at in your life, but that's- and youknow it's so hard to not lust after everything you would see, feel in touch.You know it's it's almost as bad as drinking as a mathat mad, its a littleworse than drinking, because at least drinken. If you drink a lot, you sufferconsequences. But let me tell you something: they don't rest you fordrivg whof fat, then on they own a rest Yore for driving a while musty and afeto Wi. They O a rest, her for driving whill while worried- and you know youknow- and I was in- if only and a yes butter and a UNOT, you know wher, Ionly Yo ever ever, Yo ever save to yourself or evn somebody else. If onlyI had a bigger house or a better house, I'd be Oky. You me say to yourself: If I only haddifferent wife for a different husband I'd be okay, you ever Sayn Yosel F. Ionly had a girlfriend or boyfriend an I'd, be okay. You Ever said yousomthing. I only lost fifty pounds. I'd be okay, you're, saying yourself boy.If I was all if I only had a new blouse or a new car I'd Beyou ever say. If Ionly had something I'd be OK, Ko Ius, I live back out o line. That'smy thought that that's a thought. That's a Musac to me. If I had this, ifI had that only get this and you know what what that's alcoholic code by theway and let me tae o what that's Co for. That's when you said t yourself. I onlyhad this I'd. Be Ok, whal, your Saine yourself is I'm not OK. What you're saying to yourself is I'mnot? Okay. As a matter of fact, I'm te piece of Shi I have died, sometimesyou'll be lathering up in the shower and you'll all of a sudden hear thisvoice. I don't know about you, but I...

...hear Hese voice and the voice says Ijust out of nowhere. It says a voice says this you're a loser. You ought tokill yourself, you'll, never be okay. You hear winyour ten year, Sod you'Rwhen you're fifteen years over you're thyou turn around to book WHO's. Saingthat shit to you, you're, the only one in the shower. You know what that is.That's Alcoholis, that's the disease of alchoholism. That's the thing yourpoweral is over it. You can't think yourself. Out of that, you can't doanything to get out of that. You know some higher power. I don't eed hirerpower. I got a million HIGHR pounds. Good looked in blonde mic, pody hiherpower. For me. Let me tell you something cause me to do all sorts ofthings. You know. Let me tell you something: money, big higher power. Forme, cars, bighouses, big heart, you know something being accepted by otherpeople. Do they like me, huge higher powerfl y? I don't need a higher power.I need the highest power. Only the highest power can CCAN save me from thehigher powers. I know what the higher powers are. In my life there's amillion of higher powers. I need the highest power because, after the booze,it's all about the higher powers, it's all about the worldly clamors that youcan't escape from you know. Whenever I'm dealing, ith somebody who's asponsy or something like that, and they come up me start talking to me abouthow they're in trouble or thy'r they're upset or whatever it is. It's alwaysokay! Well, what happened? Well, this woman? Well the money. Well, the car!Well, the job, it's always about the higher powers. It's all about that deal. You know,that's what it's all about for me and that takes a long long die I' tase t athat'. The drinking for me was the easiest thing to get rid of the easiestthing, because, because at thirty one years of age, where I thought my lifewas over, I had I had you know like the six step. I had I'd become ready forGod to remove this thing from I was read. I was ready to get rid of thisthing. You know not to thinking so much, but I was ready to stop the drinkingand I stopped to drinking, but to get ready to stop the Thinkim to get readyto stop the worriing in the and the anger and the frustration and theworrying about things and all this sort of crap h the real disease that settersin mind, not your body, that's a whole different thing. I went to a meeting when I was threemonths over my my m, my sponseorbob solvance Wen toAmedi. There was a guy speaking named Al Cendy. He was about the age. I amright now, seven o seven yea, No, I'm seventy one, but the alzheindersassaidand you got A. I didn't tell you yeah I've got to mention. I don't knowmy wife thinks I have the mention. Apparently, when you finally get to thepoint. Let me just apparen when you finally get to the point where stuff start stops stops bothering you you know, things are going crazy aroundyou and your wife is the same things like. Doesn't this upset you or whatare you going to do about this and you sort of look like you're, not really getting it becauseyou know, like people, ask you? What do you think about this? And you say Iownt you know and when you get to the point where stuffstops bonting you, it looks very much like Temensia. As a matter of fact, mywife had me tested. This is truth I' Not Lige you she had me Tusk. Yo says Ithink you'll have to mention so hat she testid e Tey Giveim the cat scaneverything hesint. They told her. I was okay, she didn't like what she wantedto be retested or something I on't. May I don't know whetther a I don'tknow ether. I have some motiol SPRITA Artemetia. Whatever it is, I'm anaccept. IEM. I find the way a but eten. I went to this thing without tendingand this guy started talking nd. He gave one of the best a leads he spok.He was doing to step ser and he spoke for the hour and he was lifting peopleup and never youeer bok with one of these people in Aa, where, if you'rejust next to hem my spottes ere like this, no matter what was going on, Ilife. If I was hanging out with one of my sponsors, but one of these guys,these old timers, I thought I was safe,...

...no matter what was going on. If I washanging out with Joe Schneider or Bob Sulivan a Raiokey for one of these JohnGlen, I knew I was safe. I knew everything would be okay. I looked atthem for for guidance. I would ask them questions if they said to me: Don'tworry everything's going to be Oky, just don't tre, I would believe Tham, you know, and- and he was one of theseguys- This Al Cend n. He was just incredible andyou know we had a large group and he was just wonderful and after it wasdone, I turned to y sponsor, and I said what group does he belong tosause? I wanted to hang out with him. You know I was told a long time agothat the person will be in the next five years. The progress Shell make thepersonal be will depend on people. You hang out with in the books you read and-and I I IV wont into that, I could just hang out with these guys. I wanted tobe with these guides. I wanted to hang out with these guys. I think it waslike a virus yhou'd catch it. You know what I mean and H as a matter of fact,there's an old saying: His fate is not taught it's caught, that you wouldcatch it. You know something would happen, they would say something and-and my sponchor said this to me this same guy- who told me how to makecoffee, he said. Well, you know he's dying. Not now you see, he would sayweird things like this syou got unar stand, I'm broke, I need money. I thinkit's about timing. They caught fily group I', I'm Houston in saying stupidship. You know. So I would say I want to hang out withi'll tell you this guyis great and e said Willyou knowas dying, so you know so I'n. looking atit, I said e in he just did this meening yped o says he's dying. What doyou want to tell you he's got six months to live, e's got cancer. I saidwhat I said he was, he didn't say anything about dying. He was justtrying to help people e, didn't, say anything about time. You know, and hesays yeah I know, but he she's dying and six months later he was dead. Youknow when I, when I heard that you know when I met a MA. I met a man. Listen tome, I want you understand some. I met a man in alcoholicsynonymous, I met a manand Owtou aons and he was worried about his girlfriend. He wasn't worried aboutmoney. He was worried about a car, he was dying of cancer and he did an amingand he helped other people and he was happy and he didn't talk about it. Isaw that with my own eyes, have you ever seen anything like that? I'm sorryfor you! If you haven't seen anything, I saw it. You know something my wholevision about what alcoholism is and what God could do for somebody. My M,let me Sayk my whole ovision about this deal went from the not drinking club tohow do I get that ship Youn Snow? What I'm saying you know we are ' Ling inthe big Booko, our COSAS. You know what it says. If you want what we have andare willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take you're,not even ready to take to steps unless you W. Unless you build up a wee peoplein AA somebody, you see when you say I don't know what the Hell Thatk guy has,and I don't know how to get it, but I wish I could have what he has a otereverybody's physically sober, an a, but I can promise you this. I don't wantwhat most people have in AA. I've never wanted what most people havean A. I wanted not to drink more than anything else, but I never wonderedwhat most people had. You knowi always wanted what my sponsors had the guyswith the thirty years te and I wanted what they had at thirty. I wanted it inthree months. I wanted theire deal an. I wanted to stop worrying of us. IWante to stop worried about money. I wanted something to Worryi about whatpeople thought about me. I startd I wanted to stop the CR I was like Tommy.I wanted to stop the craziness, because I met men that these were six step,guys and seven step guys. You know they had been Brockin in the forts Menchonof existence. They experience much of Heaven and I can tell you this. I WaIis, whether you understand God or not, whether you right God or not orwhatever hell it is with you with the problem with God. I can tell you this. If you find somebody that has somethingyou don't have that's extraordinary and...

...you want what they have and you're willing to go to anylane toget let's Day someing, you don't even have to worry about a second and thirdstep. It's going to be cooked, because if there's one thing I know aboutalcohois if ou cals, one man I'll tase on, if I wanted a gawl l, if I want, ifI wanted a Gal, if I was out of friend, I want, let me Tak some. I wonder whatshe hadan. I was wone go any late to get it. I could tell you something: Iwould bankrupt myself to get what I wanted to get from that Gall Youngston.I know anything about alcohols. If you want something bad enough, you willkill people you'll run over them. You'll lie cheat and steal to get youwant what some guy has an air you'll hang around them you'll go to a stepsyers. He tells you to get down on Yourknees and say the third separateyou'll. Do that Shit. You know what I mean you may not even believe it you'lljust do it because maybe there's a chance, you might get you'll hang outwith those people and you want Tu something if you don't want what theyhave. If you don't demelp a weed, and you don't want to have if what you want,if you want what you had, if you want with a hat, you understand, if you wantthe houseback and the car back, and you want what you head Doanw, I ain't goingto happen because the bon line is the second step, the thirdst, that everystep in the Buk has to do with desire every step. You can't teach an alcoholcrap, they ain't even listening unless they desire the deal, and I don't knowhow to teach desire. I don't know how to do it. You know Imean I guess I guess it's possible. I mean, I guess, Hey, I saw Al Kennedy, Iguess you can experience the sire. If you see something you want, you seesomebody that has something, and you know it's not the dot drinking thing.You know it's the rocket, an the fourth tomantion th. You know it's theseparation of from the boys thing. You understand what I'm saying. You knowthat this is a man who's trying to grow in the image in likeen. As a creator,you may not even know where it is the big Bok. You may not understand it, butyou know this he's got something you don't have: AU Coston, amnest, notver,three and the big Muk o a hawk and in o out the bill. DOTS and the man on thebed came tobly. That's when says came to believe this is what he said and Iunderstand US 'cause. I was there. It would be hard to estimate how much ahad done for me. I really wanted the program and I wanted to go along withit. I noticed that others seemed to have such a release, a happiness, asomething I thought a person ought to have. I was trying to find the answer.I knew there was even more something I had an got, and I remember one day aweek or two after I had come out of the hospital bill was at my house talkingto my wife and me, we were eating launch and I was listening and I wastrying to find out why they had this release that they seemed to have bill.Looked across at my wife and said to her Henrietta, the Lord has binc. TheLord has been so wonderful to me. Suring me of this terrible disease thatI just want to keep talking about it and telling other people. I thought Ithink I had the answer bill was very very grateful that he had been releasedfrom this terrible thing and he had, given God the credit for having done itand he's so grateful about it. He wants to tell other people about t thatsentence. The Lord has been so wonderful to me. Suring me of thisterbled disease that I just want to keep telling other people about. It hasbeen a c sort of golden test for the a program an for me, man, I'll tell you when you got whatthat guy has when you want to what these people have, and you bet you wantthat out, Kennedy sobrity Io, don't let me taste some put a fork in it. It'scooked it's going to happen, you're going to hang around them. You can hangaround those people. They got tie to get on your knees. They do tal you theprey. They don't give a crap it. He believe in dot or not they're going tosay do this. If you want to hang with them, that's what you're Goinna bedoing. That's what was happening over listen. I know what the big book says.I know what it says. We lose all prejudice, even against organizedreligion. Doesn't it say that we begin to see where these people areright whenthey're right we adopt it readily quickly? That's what sobriety is that'sWat, the big butset. I know I hear the people that say I'm spiritual, notreligious. I know what that's called for. I know what that's called for. Youknow. I know it's cod, for I don't believe in God.

I know what it's called for. I'm Pir, Iknow it's toe, for it says I'm I I'm not I'imclose minded. I know that's a way of saying that Idon't believe in the big book. Then I'm not open Mie. I know what that is. Iget that, okay, when I have a book about Tos, not when I know I don't know what o says. Tha Say:rarly havent seen a person Valuo is thoroughly fo up hat, doesn't say thatin your butt does it say that Nyor Wat, a M Gott? Excuse me I'm a little crazyabout this. Stuffthis is what dtor Smith this ow DOTS meant. Twelve steppd Clarence docksmith came in later andtook over Wi top this. By the way this conseproved crap docksmith came inlater and took over. You sat on the edge of my bed and said. Well what doyou think of all this? He then paused and looked at me. Doubtfully, I don'tknow whether you're ready yet you're kind of young. I was down to onehundred and thirty five pounds, no job, no clothes, no money. I didn't know howmuch more ready I could be recalled. plarence still I had to convince them.I was ready. Then he said you believe, and God young fellow, do you believe inGodna. How many times have Y heard F people say: Don't mention God tonewcomers, you might scare hem away. You ever hear that Yo ever year thatfull shit. Okay, then he asked do you believe in God, youngfel first questionthalged about as he always called a young fellow. When Yo called me class.I knew I was in trouble. What does that have to do with it? Dotor Bob Everything, everything everything they weren't scared. Theyweren't ashamed. You know what te Big Muk Sense. We don't argue with peopleabout God, RN, a new Baseis, the base of trust intrusting God. You know what people want and when they come day and they'redying, they want an answer of death and Weit. They don't want a lot of peopleworrying about whether or not they're ready or not begging them to come intoalcoholics ANAMAS, because they're more worried about what they prospect isgoingto. Think about Hem whetherthey're, going to like 'em or not, then tellingHem the truth. He says everything. I guess I do guessnothing e you do or you don't. Yes, I do. That's fine Bob replied now we'regetting someplace all right, get down get out of the bed and on your kneeswere going to prey. I don't know how to pray. I guess you don't, but that's allright just follow what I say and that will do for now. I did what I wasordered to do. CLARIC said there was no suggestion. Doctor Bab was alwayspositive Bo. His fate Clarence said. If someone asked Hem a question. Whatabout the program? His usually response was: what is I sayin, the good booksuppose he was asked. What is his first thing? First, BOB would be ready withthe appropriate quotation, seek you first, the King Hof got n hisrighteousness and all these things shall be at unto you. These guys wereserious. When you came to a n N, SN, nine Huteen and thirty fi e thouand,nine teen, thirty nine, you knew exact, you knew exactly what you were gettinginto. You didn't Flounde around for twenty five years and Madbe drank andfeel sorry for yourself Tryn to figure out what they were actually saying. Youknow exactly what was expected on you, because you know sometheng loved you somuch. They didn't care what you thought about m. They would allow you to walk out in thedoor on page one hundred. It says. On the other hand, we were taking themupstairs and giving that Getnin them on their knees to surrender, which I feltwas a very important part. You couldn't go to a meeting with got inyournise hundred. Listen. This is page you lookit up. Dockdabou, im the good old timers. You know when they wrote that Nnd nine tee an thirty nine. They wrote a book and at Said rarly I've seen aperson fail who has thoroughly thoroughly followed up et, they did notsay do whatever the hell. You want to do and everything's going to happen foryou anyway, thoroughly followed Ourpe. This is what they were doing betweenthirty five and thirty nine. Here's, the the details are in Doce Bobi goodall times. On the other hand, we were taking hem upstairs to get him on theirknees to surrender, which I felt was very important. The surrender was morethan aporten, it was a must bobby. U...

...came to a n Februar of N ninehuteen ND.Thirty. Seven recalled that, after five or six days on the hospital, when Hohad indicated that you were serious, they told you yo downines by the bedand say a prayer to God admitting you were palaced over alcling. Your lifewas umagable. Furthermore, you had to stat than you believed ia a higher pour.Who would return you to sanity there? You can see the beginning of the twelvesteps. He said we called back the surrend. We called that the surrenderthey had word for it. They called it the surrender you're notnever, going tohear about it name today, 'cause, we don't do it, I'm not saying we shoulddo it, but don't trust me. This is not me saying we ought to do it. I'm justtelling listen, you're intilge your ow opinion just nontadro fat, I'm justtelling you the next time. This is allnsay you next time you read that inthe Big Buk rarely have we seen he pale a person fail who has thoroughlyfollowed our pat, I wanch ou contract in your mind, what they were doing backthen they waren't doing what we're doing.Now. I can tell you that you do whatever you want te do you know, butyou know when you try to figure out in twenty year, Sober Like You, stol, withthrumb, sucking pry baby, worried about women, a d worried about girls andeverything like that. Just understand you're not actually doing alcohol andHon the way they were doing it. Just don't blame e Eh just understand you'renot doing what they were doing. That's all. You know it's Lik itit's, like arecipe. You know you use the ritinggredients. You do the right thing,you get the cake, you get rocket, refor ometion existence, you sincerely giveyou life to God. You know you trust in God. You you sincerely give yourselfand tr try to fo he's going to give you everything you need. If you do he'sGoin to God, will give Yo everything you need if you stay close to himperformance work. Well, you know how. I know that 'cause, that's what it saysin the big book about Bals anomous it S, and it says right here there you cansee the beginning of the twelve steps we called ack to surrender. Theydemanded it. You couldn't go to a meedium. Unless you did, you couldn'tgo to a mean unless you did E by Accen, you didn't make in the hospital you hadto make it in the upstairs bedroom over the Williamson's house, Tart at the SMCA on Hoan nine teen, thirty seventee, when the men would all disappearupstairs all of us women would be nervous and worried about what wasgoing on after about half an hour or so down an toed. The new man shaking white,serious and gram and all the people who were already an a would come troopingdown. After him they were pretty reluctant to talk about what hadhappened, but after a while they would tell us they had a real surrender. Ioften wonder how many people that come in now would survive an experience likethat, a regular old fashioned praimie. I just tell Yo that hey, I'm just sayin,I'm just saying you know what I mean. Bilbelson said the Lord has been so LonFomme terof is double ses. I Gt if you talk about it, tooother people, so I just want to tell you one storyand thene. I think we're probably out of Tomta one story, because that's what I think the secondstep, if not all the steps are about it's about surrender. So I'm just going to tell you onelittle story here. So I wantd to and it's a true story it's about. I call it seeking Leos seeking Leos so well when I was aboutnine years ober. Ninety ten years, Ober talking to railkeep and worrying aboutmoney- and you know I don't know bout you but I'll tall- what happened withme every every five or so or six years. You know you come a day. You know howthey say. It's easy, an to rest on dour laurels and Headin for trouble. If youdo, you know the guys I sponsor today, I'm I'm more interested in emotionalsobriety and UH. You know the people waare going to getsop and stop drink and he gets over and stop drinking, but I'm more interestedin really helping Di ot the motion. So I pontor a lot of guys with fifteenyears twenty years, twenty five thirty years, that kind of stuff- and you know-D- they're, not drinking they're, not goin to drink, but they're, not happythey're, not happy with their sobriety. You know in vishop vew it says now andthen an alcoholic, a drinker being dry atthe moment, says, feel better. Look better! I'm having a better time we laughd at such sally. We know he'sgoing to find the old gay trtry the old...

...game again because he's not happy withhis sobriete soon he'll, no lonees his iew. Do you know what an alcoholic who'sfifteen years ober or twenty years, Oer or thirty years, Ober five years sober,picks up a drink after going to a when he picks up t e drink he's not pickingup a drink because he craves alcohol. You know, I understand the cramingyou're drinking, then you drink. Yet when an alcohol whohas been throughthis Progrem Ha's been sober, five or ten or fifteen years sobriety he's notdrinking again, because he craves alcohol he's drinken again because he hasn'tgonee over. He has 't, he hasn't whatever he's done. It hasn't arrestedthe disease, the disease of alcoholism. You know where you know that whichwhich lives in your mind, not your body. He hasn't hooked up with that powerbecause that's the whole point, O fe mere code of moral morals or a betterphiloy of life, would have solved our problem. We'd be sober a long time ago,but those codes don't solve it. When you first come in. It's really nice tosay good, orderly direction. Then you don't have to believe you nough toLevan God. You just do good oaly direction. It's like Ci, a g O dit's LiOt. You know what I mean you don't think Mook says if a mere coat ofmorals or a better philosophy, life Wenhelpene Ober a long time ago, peoplein a tryng to figure out every possible way of talking about God. Withouttalking about God, we went from a place where they weregetting down on their knees by the hospital bed and giving their life toGod to a place where people nominally don't want to talk about God, one ofthese acronans okay, but they get pissed off atd people that even readthis ship and the only reason I c read this shit is gost. Quite frankly, Idon't really care whether you like me or don't like me, I'm more care when Iget off this thing as whether I like myself, because I did what I'resupposed to do and told you the truth. So you can ignore it all you want, norall you want it does matter. It's in the book you know just if Yojust right,New York and se there's some crazy old timer. Here you know what I mean andhe's like reading shit out of the Book Hen. We don't like it. It's justpissing me off. You know what I mean. That's a just tell him that just don'tRip thatk RT, O tot of e book. You know see o what your relation with them is.Right. Great of s will come to aste. Who Do you think he's Thogt they'retalking about you know, but we won't know you. We don't know about that. Godwill determine that. So your real lives has to beyon him. He will even show youow to creet. The fellows should be crave. I'll. Tell you whon, you are, Ican say exactly wh you are, you are whoever you seek to hang around. I justLi it. The people youare hanging around at what you're talking about whet yourthought. Life is about wh, a ', what's important to you. What you're focusedon what your fates done, I'll find out where you're coming fromyou're pullshid I get that deal. I I've been around long enough. I know whatthe deal is is no. This is th. This is the major leagues here you know. So when I was about nine ny ten yearsold. So what happens you get to point where you're physically sober you maybe even joingood. You may be doing good in business and you get to a pointwhere you hit like a glass seat ceiling. You're like the guy like Kildosen, youknew there's SME, you know, there's something more, there's something youdon't have you gon't Aa, but the meetings are not. The meetings are notpower. You got a Forna DAA, but there's no power, they're, not powerful enoughto get you the next next Lell. Just it just won''T. do it for you, you knowwhat I mean and so f you're seeking you're siking. You know bilolls andSayse. God will always show up if you want him enough. If you desire himenough, if you want what we have and are willing going to anilate to get it-and you know, if you want, we have willand go to anylight to get it thatworks for somebody with one day it works for somebody with one year. Itworks for somebody with ten years. It works for some bit twenty years, I'malways on the lookout for somebody that has what I want to try to get h,because I I can't do it myself on Powsomehow, I cantall the thinking inthe world all the reading in the world, all the self outbooks in the world. Iget to a point where I just can't make...

...the lead to the next level. Unless Ihave some some stupid old Tim Er, saying on'Ce, you shut the hell up anddo this, and so when I was nine or ten yearsover, I had some guide tell me to start goingto church Y N W. I didn't even realize that I had been reading the Big Book. Ihad memorized the brink Bu. I knew Alltan. I didn't realize that in atleast two places, Tha big book says we encouraged Church membership. Did youknow that? Did you know they say that h? Well, you wouldn't know if you'respiritual, not religious, you wouldn't even understand that, but they actually,you know they say they say it's not oblicatory, but most of us belong toChurchis. So per a temporal alcohol and SA say well. Most of them belong tocheer churches. So maybe I'll. Try that thing you'll say something likeThiswell, I'm not going to do that. Yuunsa you just you. Just won't followstructures, I'm tenyears, so rapit and you're sober I'm doing. Okay, I'mspiritual, not religious, and you won't do it. It's fine, no problem. No! Thereis a step that sont rates MEM from the boys. You know the men of those who aretrying to Groan the image Likin decreators and then there are guys thatjust sort of like to join in not drinking CLOB, I'm sover, that's goodenough. For me, eras. The six step says they settle, read the six step. Theysettle for what they ad, but I didn't want to sell 'cause. I wanted that owlKennedy subride, I didn't want to have to worry about dying. I didn't want tohave to worry about all these things and, as I said, I was still worriedabout money a ten years older. So even though at first I said no, I ended upOnoa Church, I tet my next sponsor, which was good and it was gon namedJohn Glen who had sixty two years and my my my second sponsor had passed awayand John Glynn was right there and you know they say when the pupils ready,the teach will appear D. I started going to Bible study and I went to acouple bobesters. I never met up on a I dombled up on it. I gobbled up on AA.You can imagine it was terrible. You know I'm a terriboney ISTN, you don'twant to be around me. Yea! Listen! You can tell you knowit's fanatic Yun oneof these a fonatics, but but I got a fanatical disease. You know I don'thave a mil form of this ship. So the bottom line is, is that I I I startedgoing tabotle Stus. I SAR knowing that I joined the trict. I became a Deaconinterth me believe. Thati told the Senor paster large church. I said Isaid you got to send them an O al, I'm Crazy Sa ye you'll be the crazy deacon.You know what I mean. We got the crazy din. You know somebody comes intochurch. Sees me, he's crazy in send em to you. You know what I mean so w it'sjust about helping people and being of service, and you know, and- and youknow, there's people I you know- people in Church are, I aren't perfect.They're, not perfect. I Oner Ski Em Desethey, just they just are alwaysfocused on Dine hyrthey're, absolutely insane about God. It's crazy people,ane they're, crazy, and you know when you're living a life, W you're tryingto get a conscious contact with God. You want to hang rout you I'm I'm in aSunday school, they show they thy uild up a picture of a squirrel. They saywhat is this. I know it's a squirrel, but I know the answers Jesus. What canI tell yo? It's great they're, crazy. Everything is God, God, God got got,but what Wen me tell you something when the world is out to kill you, becauseyou're saying, if I only had this an I onl, have that and you're only youronly chance is to be on a new basis to be focused on God. Let me tell yousomething you want to hang out with the guardpeople, so I'm I'm hanging out. So this is thestory. I'm in my car in my car I got the bigbook of Alcohols aomous on the Dash Board. I got the twelve and twelveonthe desk boy. I got DOC Obo the goodle times on the DISHFOT I got. Igot a king, James Bible, that's I can't tell you how big it is and it'sred and it's on the Dash Wen. I got a big gasboard. Okay and I pull up to myto my dry, cleaner and and my house is like a block away, but you could see my house from the drycleanr n, the house of that time, and I pull up and this kid comes out and he'ssixteen years old. Sixteen seventeen years old, young kid and h his pants- Idon't even know I explaind this guy.

His pants are down to his knees. Haveyou ever seen this teal? His pants are down to his knees and I'm looking athim he's looking at me and he goes likethis. He says: CAN YOU SEE my hands? He says I got one of those. He doesn't. He doesn't point like this.I got one of those and I said his pointat at my deadplace says one ofwhat and he says what are those he says. I said you mean the Bible. I said Yeah,I got one I goby. I said you read it. Sis yn read it he sayd. I don'tunderstand it m an say S. I unerstand T it's hard to understand. He says. Well,you know, I said: What's your name Ays my name's Leo, I said I'll. Tell youwhat Leo you Sai. You know it's hard to understand. Unless you go to a Biblestudy and then you can study and other man can help you do it. Oh yeah reallySAS ye. I tell you what Leo you see that House over there and I point to myhouse. She says every Thursday morning at seven thirty, I goo mens by thestudy. If you come to my house at seven fifteen in the morning, if you go to myhouse, I will take you the by sudd. He says really SAS absolutely and I leave-and I forget all about te forget all about next Thursday comes along I'L Walk Out of my house to go to myBible study, Jes Wu standing by my car Leo with the Bible. I remember him. Isee him. I said Ey how you doing tei SAS fine says a Youe ready, Yeh, I saidget in the car we drive over the Bible studyng. Now you got to scet his fitalstudy, I'm forty five years old and I'm the youngest guy in the Bible StudyThir's. My sponsor he's like seventy eight, you knowtheres everybody is likethey've been around for a million years. You know Presbytorian Bibles. It's likeunbelievable. I mean the's are serious contenders. You know what I mean. Youknow older guys and all that sort of stuff, and you know the last. Let me tallsomething Ou one end well during the last part of their lives, and we goaround for the eye where we're stuing, the Bible, which was the sourcematerial for the big book. So we're talking about the same thing but owhatever you job am we're talking on the same stuff, temptations and defectsof character, idols. You know with all the same stuff. So at the end D,they're all happy to see. You know you know how, where we are with newcomersthere. Of course, you now young blood there you this guy's, like sixteenseventeen years old, they're going Gaga. So he raises his hand. He says I thinkof e. They said what a I think Jesus was an alien e Yeah Gra Great Hesays,keep coming back. You said WHA INS as Keeth coming back ye hesn in no rump,so I'm driving him back Leoback, and he said I said how Toli Y, like that said,I said: Hey Leo, they loved you, theyll Lovyou, you're great, you know so I'mdriving back. So he says to me: could you do me a favor, I said surewhat he says h instead of driving vatcend. Could youdrive me to my house, I said sure I'll be happy to drive yothe house, and so I said, what do you doans we'll go back to your house andI'll direct you from there. So I drive back to my house and he he says, godown the street there and then make aride at the sopsign and go down thestreet there and make a left and they make aride on e left and we drive aboutsix or seven miles: Hey rat his house and while Wolweredriving I'm talking to Hem, and I find that he's a young kid he's. You KnowYoung Man, sixteen years old and he's got a single mother. WHO's got athree year old daughter from another guy. You know what I mean and he's justa young sixteen year old kid trying to figure out what the damn world was allabout: woulh, no man and his life to help them nothing. Not! You know what Imean just sixteen years old single mother. Three three year old sister,and so I'm talking Hem as e. We go by and and Sarts to Recto me so now we'relike six or seven miles from my house and h. So I sai O my Asosas. That's myapartment! Thanks Li Butty, I said Onsgraees, so I asked him. I said: How did you get to my house...

...and he says this: He says he woke up atthree o'clock in the morning. He woke up a threee o'clock in themorning n took a shower and then he walked six miles and he actually got tomy house early. He waited for about half an hour. Forty five minutes,ecause he didn't want to miss me cause he didn't want to miss me cause that's how much he wanted to goto the Bible. Sun, that's how thirsty he was for thisstuff and I have people in alcoholicsanonymous and they say to me you know. Can I hangout with yours? I said sure I said Elizyor I sai where's, your you, I said,come on down every Saturday we have a, we have a meetion, I got sponces totcome Hav me and we have like a little workshop Comin Down Jus as whereas Isay it', so I tell him where it is and they said wow thats low far that's a little far. You know what Imean so when so, when people start talking tothat's, I'm always looking for the Leos. I can't I can't I what the second step to me is aboutit's about getting to a point after you stop drinking, were you develop a groupof men or women where you say you want what they have? You don't want to be at Alltat all I donow. We don't put people on Pennescils, but I know what that means Wen. We saywe don't put people on pedestals. What it means is always understand that any one of us,including me, could be gone like that. That's how fast we could go, because Ican tell you this, even though I've been sober for almost forty years now.I know I could be drunk an hour from. I believe that now people that are not ana and don't have this deal gone, don't understand what that's all about I'venever said, nor I will, you will never hear me say: I'm never going to drinkagain I W D. How would I say that? How would I have the guts that? How would Ihave the IMPU? How would I, how could I PI'M BI I'm Bill Wilson Body? The Lordhas been so one of Maurn I gotto Ke talk ot, listen, I got to SSICK, I'msober through the grace of God's grace. THAT'S THE DEAL! I understand what thestories I got to stay close to him. If I'm not close to him I'll I'll, Beyouknow what I'll be close to me. If I'm not close to Montl, you knowwhat I do before I meaand. I pray. I say God, please get me out of you. I don't wantto be around. You don't want to hear from me. I know who I'm all about youknow come on into the venture, and the bottom line is that to me this is allabout getting coming in and somehow adopting Hawi. We so that you will. You will startfollowing people because who you are El you'll want whatother people have, and I don't know how to get people todo that. I mean all I can do is do what I do give my testi. I tell my story: Ifthere's somebody out there that says man I'd like I like that guy, like youknow, it's all about attraction, I want that field and they'll. Follow me.andthey'll come around they'll, listen, they'll, say maybe, if yoy're like nowI'll tell Yo. As I said, I honestly do believe that you are who you hang outwith you know, and the person Yo and who you hang out with within the booksyou read, will determine what you become and the books will. You readwill determine who you hang out with, but I do realize that later on, eventhough I was hanging out with a lot of good people that eventually also haveto do a little work, you got to work the steps, but of course I hung aroundpeople that one weren't going to accept my bullship. You know I'm an arrogant,no at all, I'm around people. That would tell me to shut up sit down anddo this. I hung around the doctor bobs. I hungaround people that would tell this arrogant lawyer who was smarter thananybody whose go for teponic ones, the Mapmax who's going for a PhD andAltarat topology. I hang around, God use car sale. Who would tell me shut upand woul? I Tell Y and I would do it...

...and the only reason I would do it is'cause. I no everything, but that's all I knew I didn't know how t' be likethem. I could never be like them, and I wanted to be like that and if somebodydoesn't want wil, we have I let me say somethin. I can't help Hem in our POS and honest. If you read thatbook, they weren't begging people. I can tell you one thing: they were notbegging people to stas over that's what they do in Ala.They beg people to stay sober. I guess I don't. I want to put that Olan on inOw Paaaun. You know what they're doing right there you had approof to them.You were ready. You had approved to them that you were ready. You know th Y Y, they didn't you knowthe guys I hear wit, Ral, Keith, Wen o. tell you something the fnhe was, he wasnot skid to say won. you go out a drink. No, so I don't know where the MATCC isin this deal. I know what happened to me and so that's all I got to saythat's my story and I'm sticking to it. Okay, so I don't know how much time wegot left of what the story is here, but I think that's it guys.

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