AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 30 · 2 years ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 1

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Starting July 8, 2020

Well, hi everybody. Minames Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic, so it's a pleasure being here. I just want you to know I don't know how many people are from the South Florida area, but I haven't found US set up drink since January, twenty thwe thousand nine hundred and eighty one. So I'm in my forty of year and of doing this thing hand to hand combat with a craziness of life. And you know, I my first few years in Aa I used to follow the men around. We have something in Day County, Miami Dade and Broward. I think they have in Monroe County and south farticled step series. They've had them for as long time I can remember, like fifty sixty years. And what would happen is they would get individuals, I guess, who were respected and they would have a particular individual. You know, the book does say if you want what we have in a willing go to any late to get it. So they would find people that somehow maybe they were maybe they were men, not boys or whatever heck they were, but they spoke with authority and they'd have to do these series. And what if you were going to do a step series. If you were going to take it on, you would speak to a particular group for like twelve weeks and do a different step every week, you know, one to twelve, and a lot of people would follow these individuals around, and different individuals from time time to learn their take on the various steps. And of course, you know a he's like a giant tolboxes arrange to fit every nut that walks through the door. And you know, some people would, you know, you would just get different viewpoints and different perspectives on the steps and I used to follow all these guys around. These guys were incredible. I couldn't believe it. I would sit there and they would talk for an hour and without a script apparently, and I would say, how did you do that? You sit there and talk for an hour and stuff. I don't know, I can't talk for five seconds. And and I guess they were just talking about their life and they had been working them so long. And so I you know what I didn't realize? Here's what I didn't realize. There came a time when I started traveling around. You know, I'm an attorney, so I'm like a pay bullshit artist. So I mean, I've got the gift of Gabs, so try attorneys. There came a time where I started traveling around doing these circuit things and speaking and I was surprised to learn that they you know, I could go up to New York, I go at to California or whatever it is, and we'd be talking about these steps series and that nobody knew what I was talking about and I'd say, well, you know, the steps series and and I was surprised to learn that these things were indigenous to really basically South Florida, that they didn't do them anywhere but else. So, you know, they dave, Broud and Monroe counties down here, and which is probably why they were pretty solid down here for many years on the big book and things like that, because they had these supposedly older statesman talking about what the deal was all about. Not a lot of AA light. So in any event, I was, it's very much surprised to learn that they don't have them everywhere but an event. I am privilege to be in an a mean it's always good for me to be here and it's a privilege and I'm humble to be able to speak to you all and I don't know whether this is going to be I can tell you this. You know, I learned a long time ago. I used to think I had to try. I used to the guy had to carry the message, and I since learned that I don't have to really carry the message. All I have to do is try to carry the message. That's a tough that's a tough deal when you think you have to carry the message. You know that means if anybody drinks, they after this deal. It's like my fault, like I have that power. And I remember. I remember what I was about. Three years sober, three or four years sober, and I started speaking. I was at this meeting and homestead of Florida and I was doing the meeting and homestead and I was I think I was on the fourth step or something like that. And and and I I did the worst, the worst. You can look it up. It's in you know, Bill Reckon, it's in that book of records the worst AA meeting in the history of alcoholics. Anonymous. I the worst. Need you know, nobody was laughing at my jokes. They all look like a giant oil painting out there and I sitting. They're all worried about how terrible I was doing and everything like that, and I thought it was the worst meeting. And when I left to the group, you know, of course they all said thank you very much and as their trained to do, and and I left the meeting and I just I was just overcome with this compulsive deal that we do, thinking about what did I say and what did I say and what did they think? And I knew everybody was calling up their cousin and uncle saying we just heard the worst speaker in alcoholics anonymous. His name is Russell, you know, broadcasted throughout the United States and you know, you know the way we are. Well, maybe not the way you are, but the way I was. I was already figuring out of my mind I was going to make an excuse and not show up because I got to tell...

...you something. You're an alcoholic, you're also an excuse. So Halli I got excuses you can't possibly believe, like my mother just died or whatever. I was going to show up, but I knew I was going to show up because one thing I had going for me and a I think the most important thing I had of going from me early on at least, and probably even now, is this incredible desire to stay so over, this incredible desire not to drink. You know, I can tell you something, when, more than anything else, you don't want to drink, you're scared of drinking, you would be surprised that the bullshit you buy into. I once went up to my sponsor and told him I was broken, I need money and I was going to be tossed out on the street. And he said, and I told him how broke I was, how my wife, my kids can be cross and I needed money and I was talking about like real problems, and he said, you know, Russ, I think I think I understand what you're saying. I think this is about I think I got the answer for you. I said, really, says. Yeah, I said, I think it's about time you started making coffee for the group. And I'm saying they're thinking, I don't think this guy is listening to me. I'm talking about real problems, you know. I mean, money's not important. It's just right up there with oxygen and and he's telling me about making cough for the group. But here's the deal. I never thought about this until years later. He will turn around, he said, follow me, and I started following the guy over to the coffee putty started showing me how to make the coffee. I watched them, I made the coffee and the next day no money came in and I didn't want to go to the meeting because I was very depressed. You know, calksched we go, we don't even go into the pressure, we go straight into the very depression. And I didn't want to go to the meeting, but I had to go because I had to make the coffee for the group. And so I went and I worked out and I kept up going making coffee for the group and I didn't want to make coffee for the group. I didn't know what coffee had to do with money and I don't know what happened. I didn't drink and somehow the money came in and three months later some guy came up and I said I'll make the coffe. I said I'm the coffee maker. Would Hell you, you know, coffee maker. And so so you know people out, sponsors will tell you will be at you, will be looking for answers to questions like where am I going to get the money, and they'll start talking to you about making coffee. You'll start talking to them about how you want to commit suicide and they'll say, why don't you go help that guy over there? You'll they'll the you'll say things. You See, the problem is when you're insane, and we're going to get into insanity. I know I'm insane because I did the second step. It said I'd be restored to Saturday. Hasn't quite happened yet, you know what I mean. But it said I'd be restored to Saturday and I figured out, after about ten years sober, that you can't be restored to sanity unless you are insane in the first place. So so, when you're insane and you have been living on an insane, selfish, self serving life your entire life up until the age of thirty one, and you walk into alcoholics anonymous and you may accidentally run into somebody that's actually emotionally, emotionally sober, saying, when he starts saying things to you, they're going to sound if you're insane. He's going to sound insane. And so I kept on getting these sponsors telling me things that didn't make any sense whatsoever. But because of my fear of drinking, because I feared I might drink. I ended up doing them anyway. You know, they say alcoholics the chief characteristic is defiance. Were undisciplined. I'm the guy who looks at you. No matter what you say to me, I say watch, go fuck yourself. You know, I'm go to hell. You. Well, I'm going. You don't understand, you don't know anything. You know what I mean. I want I want to talk back to you, I want to scream at you, I want to hate you. You know, how do you get a guy like that, when he's told something insane, to actually follow you and start making coffee? And would happen to me, as I just didn't want to drink. I just didn't want to drink. So as I left that meeting at homestead of Florida, knowing that I had just done the worst AA meeting in the entire universe up to that point, and knowing that I didn't want to go back, because the way I feel is an alcoholic. If I'm embarrassed and I think people are laughing at me, I ain't going back. That's just I'm not. You know, if I walk into a room, like Mala Brando said, this three hundred person people and what and one doesn't like me, I got to leave. You know what I mean? I got to get out of there, you know, because fear people and their judgment and people not liking me just kills me. I will do anything to make you like me. If I don't think I you like me, I'll call you up three o'clock morning, I'll wake you up and I'll say, did I do something to offend you? You know, I just, I just, you know, I just apparently that has something to do with the real alcoholism. I don't know, I'm trying to figure it out, but in any event, so I I was not going to go back to that meeting where I given the worst a meeting in the entire universe. But I didn't want to drink and somehow...

I my sponsor told me, when somebody asked you to do something, are you always say yes and you always fulfill your responsibilities. And so I knew I was coming back because I knew if I did somehow I knew. I don't know how I knew this, I just knew. If I didn't go back, I drink again. I knew that. I knew that was going to drink if I didn't go back, if I lied or made it's use. So I went back the next week and and a guy came up to me right before the meeting started and he introduced himself to many. Says, you don't know me, but I was at that meeting you did last week and when you did the fourth step. He said Yeah, and he said I just want to tell you you saved my life. I said, really, says, you saved my life. I have two months sobriety. My wife left me yesterday, I lost my job. I was going to drink. I was going to drink as I was going out the door. Instead of drinking, I decided to go to one more a meet to see if anybody there could help me and I sat in the back of the room. You didn't hear me. And then you man. I'll tell you. When I heard your your step, man, my entire life change that I said. Really said, yeah, he says. He said when you said, when you said the chicken was on the roof, the entire program came together for me and I looked up and and you know, here's the incredible thing. I had never said the chicken was on the roof. Now I knew what he was talking about. Because I was talking some poultry in there. I knew the party was talking about but I actually, actually, he got the whole thing wrong. I said to him the Tur I said, the Turkey is in the basement. And now for or so I'm going to Tay some I took credit for it anyway. I said, Oh, yeah, checking out the roof. I say that's stuff all the time. It's my he statement, you know. And and so here's the deal with that. You See, I learned the lesson from them. And you see, you know, I thought I had to carry a message. I thought, I thought my job was to carry a message. And what I learned is my job is not to carry message because out of the power to carry message, my job is to try to carry the message. That means what I do is I do the best job I could that night. Now, this may be the worst first step being I've ever done in my entire life, but you that, and God will take care of the rest. See, what happened that night is I got up there and I did the worst AA meeting in the history of alcoholics. Anonymous. Oh, it's terrible and in that a meeting that a mean. I said Turkey is in the basement and that sort of floated there around the room. Turkey as the basement, Turkey in the basement, Turkey in the basement. And when I got that, that guy that was sitting in the rat back in the back row, who was desperate and wanted to stay sober, Turkey in the basement went in his ears and God knew, does what God does. He knew exactly what was missing from that Man's heart and he turned it into chicken on the roof. Go figure. And I get the print and so I don't know whether I'm going to be your Turkey in the basement. Are Checking on the roof for what I'm going to say tonight? Most people in alcoholics anonymous. They don't really hear the whole thing. They'll hear like I've spoken to enough groups know people come up to me and tell me I really helped them when I said this. It's usually something I didn't even say. Or you'll say you help me when you say you know, if there's a thousand people and a meeting and each one will will remember one thing you said or didn't say or how you said. It is your reflection. We're all different places here and so it's good to be I'm going to talk a little bit and you know I am going to try to behave myself. You know usually when I get into the steps, I I mean around all over place. I'm not promise you I won't do that, but I am going to talk a little bit about the first step, a little bit about it, tell a little bit of story about myself. I want to you know, one time I was let me explain something. This is a series. This is a serious disease. You know this is a series. You know I have lived with this disease. Sober, sober, forget about the drink a thing. The drinking is, as a matter fact, you want to some drinking isn't even a big deal. I used to think it was a big deal. You know that that it's a same you know what it says after you finally get past the drinking thing. I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body. I know what a hopeless state of mind the body is. You ever wake up in the morning and tell you so if you're not going to drink today, and then you end up drunk. Anyway. I used to do that over and over and over and over again. Let me explain something to you, and this, this group, is not so hard to explain. You probably get what I'm talking about. I could not I was thirty one years old. I could not stop drinking. I thought my life was over. As...

...a matter fact, when I came day, I looked down the eye and I said, I need help, I can't stop drinking. When you can't stop drinking, when you wake up in the morning, you sincerely say to yourself, I'm not going to buy boots, I'm not going to I'm not going to drink today, I'm not going to go to the bar today. And at five o'clock in the after you're searching for dimes, Nichols and quarters so you can buy a half gallon bottle of Carlos Russey canty sit. Sit By your phonograph and pay your LP records, your alkysats like only the lonely or I'm Mr Blue, or Radias, some Mondays or whatever the bullshit is, and think about all the girls that ripped your heart at and drink yourself to when you can't stop drinking. Let me tell you something. That's a hopeless state of mind the body. You want to know something? I picked up a white ship and alcoholics, anonymous on January twenty five nineteen. Any one to have found I said have a drink after that. I have recovered from a hopeless state in the mind and body, just like the first hundred had recovered from a hope of state of mind the body. It's an incredible feeling. And then I found out, many, many months and years after I came day a that that wasn't even the problem. That was but a symptom of the it's a hell of a symptom, I believe me. They don't. They want to rest her for drivewall fact, you know what I mean. They have trust your ride driving while drinking. But it's a hell of a symptom. But apparently what I was suffering from Um centered in my mind, not my body. It's some sort of craziness. That self that I think Carl Manager said in his book Man Aguesst himself, which the book on suicide. He said Alcoholic men and women are people who are out to destroy themselves. They just thought to he'll kill themselves. There's something about an alcohol where I don't know we're sort of like schizophrenic. There's one part of our body that tells us that there were the greatest, that where God's gift to mankind, with the greatest in the world, with the smartest of only people would recognize that. And then it's just this other part that tells us word piece of Shit and we go to blow our brains, that we're totally unworthy. I mean why? Why else would that explain? That matter where I am in right life? Somewhere along the way I'll be ladder up in the shower and I'll start saying things to myself. I'm an Asshole, at filmed myself, and then I turn around to see who's saying that to me and I'm the only one in the shower. Why do why do I have that self talk? Why do I have that loneliness? Why do I have that SA why don't I have all that other stuff? Why do I have what about the worry? What about the anxony? What's that all about? You know, yeah, I could. I could help another alcoholic, and that's sort of like that's a great tool. You want to offer yourself. You want to kill yourself. You feel lonely, you feel like your life is over. The albow, alcoholic, the other autol. You feel great, you know what I mean. It's like taking a drink, but you don't get dry. It just we leaves the pressure. It's great. But then what happens? You know that has a half life of what about an hour or two hours? And then all of a sudden you're back to suck on the mat muzzle of a gun. I mean, what's that all? How come you're constantly what is with this constant return of the anxiety? What about it? When does this worry go away? When does this fear go away? I mean, I think I spent the next fifteen years in alcoholics anonymous, you know I was. I was told by a sponsor once. He said he said you can't get out of it. You can't get out of jail, Russell, unless you know you're in jail in the first place. You can't get out of jail unless you know you're in jail in the first place. I came to a point of my life, we're going to talk about a little while, where I knew I was in an alcoholic jail. I knew where I became Coggnis in the fact that my life was unmanned. was I was powerless over alcohol and my life was unmanageable. And get this, even more than that, I knew my life was unmanageable because I was powerless over alcohol. I think that's necessary to not only that your powas over alcohol and your life is unmanageable. I think you have to somehow put those two together and understand your life is unmanageable because your powerless over alcohol. I think that. I mean how much has to happen to an alcohol for that deal to happen? And you know I had to get to that point. You know. And but you want to know, after that happened and after I stopped drinking, I put the plug of the drug. Three months later, I'm up at three o'clock in the morning with fiftyzero voices in my mind telling me bad shit about myself and other people and worrying about this and worry about that and worrying about stuff that I can't even resolve, the same thing over and over and over again at one point in time. Because now I'm worried about the fact that I can't get to sleep, what's going to happen to morrow, and I'm panicking about that and then I finally say to myself, I'm pretty intelligent guy. I say to myself, I gotta stop worrying about you ever tell yourself you know, I forget about to stop drinking. Let me tell you some stop and drinking was the easiest thing I ever did. Only talk. Took me thirty one years and like one hour. Thirty one years in an hour, and I stopped drinking. Okay, but let me tell you. Ever you ever tell yourself forget it's got to stop drinking. Ever tell yourself you got to stop worrying? You ever tell yourself, I got to stop thinking about this three o'clock morning. I got to stop worrying about this. I gotta stop worried about this. This is killing...

...me. I got to stop worrying about this. And then you stop for a Nano Second, then you go right back to the worry again. What, what is that? When you when you're thirty one years old and you can't get to sleep because you're worried about a particular thing that you can't control and you have them no control over, because we have control over and you were to figured it out a long time ago, and you realize you're going crazy and you realize you're nuts and you tell you something got to stop. What is what do we call the disease where you can't stop thinking? What do you call disease when you can't stop thinking bad thoughts about yourself and other people? What do you what do you call disease when you can't Stop Gossiping about other people? What do you call disease when you can't stop blaming other people? What do you call disease when you can't stop thinking about yourself as a victim? What do you call disease when you can't stop feeling sorry for yourself? What do you call disease when all you do is focus on your feelings and worried about why you feel the way you feel and what? Well, well, I'll tell you something. You know what I learned? I learned that disease was something called alcoholism, and it sets it in my mind, not my body, and it's a hundred forms of fear, self delusion, selfseeking, and I step on Peter People's toes and they retaliate, seeming without provocation. But somehow, somehow, it's happened because I'd made decision the past based upon self and selfishness which put me a position to be hurt. And, above all, I must get rid of this selfishness, because that's the true disease, because if I don't get rid of it, I'm going to drink again or blow my brains out, or I'll just live a life of quiet desperation. Show a sober and at twenty years they'll ask me how I'm doing. I'll say I'm hanging in there. You know I won't be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. So how do you get rid of that deal? How many years until you get rid of that fear? How many years but until you stop worrying about the car you're driving and your weight and how you look and what people are thinking about you and your job, what's going to happen to you? And how many years with until how many years until you start thinking bad thoughts about yourself? How many ways? What does that what is that all about? What program do I go to get getting rid of that stuff? And and so I'm going to talk a little bit. That's what we're going to talk about. We gonna tell a lot about emotional sobriety. But what it turns out? I should I should have realized. You See, I thought the battle was over as soon as I stopped drinking. But I want to get to the the first step, the stuff I want to talk about. The first step. I I'm not going to go into a drunk a lot I will tell you this. I heard a lot of people drinking. I'd like to blame. I'd like to say alcohol. Alcohol is to blame. I want to blame alcohol for my being selfish. I want to blame alcohol from my walking out on my wife of five years and my child and walking away because she kept on telling me she wanted me to stop drinking and she wanted me to stop going to the bars. I want to blame alcohol when I made that decision, sober, to walk away from her. That's what I want to do. I want to blame alcohol. I want to blame out. You know what I want to say? When I was cold stone sober and we've decided to go to a marriage counselor and the marriage counselor said to my wife, what do you want to change about Russell? And she was a perfectly nice wife and she and and she said I just would like them to maybe stay home sometimes and come home for dinner and maybe not drink so much. And then he turned to me and I had a date that night and I wanted to go out on the day, because that's what I really want to leave her, because I want to go out with other women. And I said to the count and he said, how do you want to change your wife, Russell, and I said I just want to date other women. And I said that cold stone sober, because I want to destroy that alcohol something. Most of the people I hurt, most of the bad things, most of the selfish things I said, most of the people I let down, to people I heard and the decisions I made. I was cold stone sober. It had to do with my selfish feelings about myself. Will I thought I was a great guy and the only thing alcohol, the only thing alcohol different me is last allow me to live with my sorry ass self without blowing my brains out, because when you live a life that's selfish and you hurt people, I say my sponsor, I feel guilty. He said that's because you are guilty. That's why you feel guilty, because you are guilty. You know, at the bottom line is is that how do I head? I don't blame alcohol for anything. I you know, I heard some of the same people after I got sober, the same way. How about that? Why do you think we have a test step? You know, it has nothing to do with alcohol. Has To do with something called alcoholism. And if I can't use the booze, I'll use the drugs. If I can use the use the drugs all. I'll use the money, I'll use the woman, I'll...

...use the sex, I'll use anything that'll fix me up and make me feel okay, because I do worship God. I wish up a god, and the God I worship is called my feelings. I don't need a higher power. You know I had higher powers. You can I tell you my higher powers? That blonde sitting in the front row the a Meni that goodlooking mind, you know, with that body. You know something, that's a higher power for me. No matter how much integrity I have, no matter how much I think about myself, no matter how much I want to do the right thing. You know something, I'll figure out how to leave my wife for that deal. You know. You know I have a higher power. You want a higher power is I don't know. How about ten grands, a hundred grand? I don't know a million dollar about. How about a new car? You know I'll back, but I've spent more money. I don't have buying shit. I don't need to impress people I don't like because I worry about what they think about me. I got a higher power. It to a brand new car. It's a billboard, it's a woman, it's a job. It's a job. I will throw anybody under the bus to save my job, to get that woman. Let me tell you something. I was a lounge listen. I spent I spent years traveling around lounges, looking for looking for my next victor. I wonder what she had. I was when we go to anything to get it. Let me tell you something. I'm surrounded by higher powers. I'm addicted to the things of this world. No, I didn't know how it did that. I was wanted some dowledge. Then I know how addicted I was. I didn't even know it was an addiction. I didn't know it was a problem. You know why? Because everybody I hung around thought the same way, the way I thought. Every TV show I ever watched, every commercial ever watched everything. I am surrounded in a world that tells me if I have this. If I get that, if I can only move there, if I can only be that, everything would be a day. My whole life is. I'm an if only and a yes butter. If only I had that woman, I'd be okay. If only I could have SSS, I'll be okay. If only I have more money, I'd be okay. And you want to know something, it works. It works like the booze works. It works for an hour or two hours and then you're a piece of craph again, and then you're worried again. You know, I was in if if only I had this, I'd be okay. You know, I didn't even realize that when I told myself, if only I had this, I'd be okay, what I was really saying to myself over and over again is I'm not okay because I don't have this. I must have told myself a thousand times every week. I'm not okay because I don't have a new car, I'm not okay because I don't have a girlfriend, I'm not okay because I don't have more money, I'm not okay because they don't like me. Every time I said every time I thought, if only I had this, then I would be something. You know, this constant state of feeling like you're unworthy to even be alive. I don't know what they're all alcoholics have it by habit. And you know, one of my old ideas is that nobody could possibly feel the way I do because nobody could understand me because I'm so unique. And the problem is so how can I tell anybody how screwed up I am, especially since I don't even know how screwed up I am? You know, I okay now I have thirty nine years. I've had thirty nine years of repercussions and repeated you relations and being crushed by my self sufficiency. Try and be selfsufficient so that I get a new perspective and I can see things that I did and felt when I was twelve years old and twenty years old and thirty years old and forty years old that are clear to me, but I had no clue. I spent the first fifteen to twenty years in alcoholics anonymous, learning like with a flashlight just how big the cell was that I was trapped in. The first step in getting out of jail is known in the jail. On the first place. Let me tell you something. Alcohol was the littlest jail I had. Once I busted at Alcoholic jail. There was the girl jail, that was a lust jail, that was the money jail man. There are jails all over the place and I don't even look under this jails. I look at him as as things I need to have in order to be okay. And and how could I be something wrong with me? Everybody's looking for this stuff. Well, there's some people in Church that are looking for them. They're nuts, you know, they're fanatical, they're crazy, you know, they're just focused on God and things like that. So all I know is I lost a wife, I lost the child, but ultimately what I really lost was my self esteem. I lost all selfrespect for myself. I became a shame. I became a shamed you know. And you know something I don't know about anybody else, but there's there's really nothing godly sorrow. You know, on the Bible they call it God be saw. They said worldly sorrow leads to death. You know, worldly sorrow is worldly sorrow is self pity. I don't know how many people here know what selfpities all about. I have a Ph d and self pity I don't even need alcohol to feel sorry for myself. I I can feel sorry for myself at the drop of a hat. You know what I mean. I wake up the morning looking for the reasons to feel sorry for myself.

I have a Ph d and selfpity. You know what that is? That's alcoholism. When you can't stop feeling sorry for yourself. You know. You know that selfpity is a heart. You know. God worldly sorrow leads to death, that leads the debt. You can't get out of Selfpity, but Godly sorrow least the repentance and salvation. You want to know. Godly sorrows God, these are always when you find to get to the point in your life where you're ashamed of what you've become. You're not pissed off another people, you're not a victim, you've just become ashamed of what you've become. And I don't know about you, I guess everybody has their point where they have to get to the point where where they look in the mirror. You ever look in the mirror? This happened to me one night on December twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, where I looked the mirror and I said this. I said, who are you kidding? You know I'm about you. I'm the kind of alcoholic that, no matter how bad things are, they ain't that bad, it ain't that bad man. As long as I had a girl, as long as I can find one female that would hang with me, I was okay. My Ego, if I could find one sick gl you know what I mean, to sort of look up to me in the door me, I was on top of the word row. If I could still have my car, I'd be on if I had a job, if I if I could somehow look to something in my life. And I think alcoholics are very alcohol as. You want to something that's Inter seemed alcoholics. I used to tell my sponsor because he used there. He used to say bad things. My sponsor was very mean to me. I had, I've had four sponsors, all wonderful men. They were all very mean to me. They flunk the course on love and tolerance as our code. Let me tell you, they say bad things to me. I once had my once had one of my spot I was I graduated departmental honors of mathematics. I was going for my PhD in Algebraic topology. I became a lawyer, division chief of the State's Attorney's office, trime merder cases. I was not a dumb buddy. I had all these degrees on the wall. I was supposed to be sponsored by Jesus Christ, you know, or where Albert Einstein. They weren't around, so they gave me some guy would be graduate sixth grade. He was a used car salesman named Bob Sullivan, and you know, so I'm sitting there listening to him. He's the one was telling me I think it's about time you're making coffin. He comes to my office one day and I got about forty diplomas on the walls. I got degrees that that absolutely proved I've been educated. Far Be you on my capacity to know anything. I am the smartest guy in room. And I turned to Bob and I said, Bob, these are my degrees, and Bob looked at me says we'll rush. You know, rectal thermometers have degrees. You know what they do with those? And that's the kind of sponsors I had. They always had something to say to me that sort of knocked me off my pins, you know, because that's what I needed used to say, you know, Russell, you're I was thinking, got you, got you where you are right today, my smartest thinking. And Somehow, some way, I had to look myself in the eye when I was thirty one years old and I thought my life is over, is ever going to be better again, and I was in my one bedroom apartment, like town house, in calgive with Florida, and I had decided I was going to be the you hefter of Miami. But you can't really be the you have to Miami when you can't walk, you know what I mean, drinking so much and you're always broke, because I apparently I didn't understand why I was always broken. I was making good money because apparently is a little secret I learned in a took me nine years to learn this. I'm going to teach you guys this right now. The say this, when you spend more money than you make, you go into something called debt. Did you know that? I didn't know that. It's true. It's absolutely true. So so I I look myself myself in the eye and I said, this is what I said to myself. Said, who are you kidding? Who are you kidding? Your life is over, you're nothing. I was always going to be in nothing. I was never thing else butter nothing. I used to put me I used to put something in my mouth. It turned me into an almost, when you're nothing, almost this top of the world. I had to get to the point where I was so ashamed of myself but had no place else to go. And I can't tell you what that point is, but I got that. But I got down on my knees seven twenty F at nineteen a Christmas morning, one thousand nine hundred and eighty three o'clock the morning. Turned on TV. There was some preacher talk about Jesus. He said you want to change your life, become a new creation, born again, all that sort of stuff. He's good. Down your knees and say these words. I got down on my knees in a nano second. I didn't start worrying about when there was a god or not a God. I said the center's prayer. I accept the Jesus in my life, which is not a big deal for most people, but for a Jewish gift from Great Neck New York, I'm going to tell you I was a big deal. But you ought to be there. If you've never been there and how to explain it to you. Never Rob an alcoholic of his desperation. All alcoholics have to drink their last drain. You don't have your desperation, you don't drink your last drank. Let me tell you something. Is always a possibility. You come into Aa and you'll end to drinking at twenty years down the road. You know, I thank God for the bottom I had.

I thank God for the bottom I had and one month later I didn't think anything happened. But one month later I picked a lightship and up an a and I never found necessary out a drink after that. And then I only have to deal with the disease of alcoholism. So I want to read something. I've got something. I picked out short little something. I want to pick out from the and I'm going to read from the twelve and twelve. Why all this insistence on hitting bottom? The say, why all this insistent? I'm a I got to be honest with you. I know all about this educational variety stuff. I own all this stuff about raising the bottom. It's all great. You understand what I'm saying. I'm not talking against that, but I'll tell you something. God, I hope your bottom. I hope you, I pray you your bottom. I really do hit a bottom, okay. And it says why all this insistence on hitting the bottom? Because nobody's going to do this stuff. Nobody's going to work this program Sulf thoroughly. Nobody's going to nobody's going to abandon themselves utterly to God. You know, there is one who has all power. You know there's one of its not fifteen, there's not twenty five, there is one who has all power and that one is God. May you find him now. That one is God, they say, may you find him now. It says half measures are value enough. Doesn't a value anything. You know, you have people that can stay so for twenty years and they still don't get it. Now, if you belong to the not drinking club, that may be okay with you, and I've always said my sponsor said to me. He says, if you're not called and you go for a day, you were going to drink, even if you screw up any way possible, you know some you're a winner, and in one sense I believe that. Yeah, you rape five nuns and you killed fifteen babies, but you want to know something, you didn't ever drink. You're a winner. You know I mean, I get that. okay, understand that deal. But I'm going to tell you something the book I have after the drinking. It talks about emotional sprite, talks about the sixth step and talks about separating men from the boys. It talks about if you want to be rocketed in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much of Heaven, then the great fact is this, and nothing less. God has to become the central fact your life. You have to become convinced that he lives in your hearts and minds, which is indeed miraculous. He's doing for you what we can't do for yourself. You're on a new basis of trust and relying upon God. You must remember your whole reliance really has God him. He will show you how to create the fellowship you crave see to with. Your relationship with him is writing great events to come past you and calvins others. We never apologize for God. We liken him work in our life and we pray for him to relieve the sea feet the fear. At once, fear is removed. You know, I read the Bit by know I know what out. I know alcoholics. Anonymous takes a position on a on agnosticism and atheism. We may be tell them by know what takes a position. It says this sort of thinking must be abandoned. But you know, we got to talk about God. We're going to talk about God. Either Rais or he isn't. What's IT GOING TO BE? There is no middle of the road solution. There is no negotiating this thing. It isn't. It isn't God and the sex. It isn't God and the woman. Are God in the man or God in the husband, or God in the money or God in the job? There's no negotiating with it. God has to become the central factor your life. I understand that and I understand that the drinking will drive you to your knees. It'll maybe even get you to listen something. It will maybe even get you to make cough the okay, but three months down the road, six months down the road, nine months down to two years down the road, three years down the road, the drinking will not necessarily get the point where you're really ready to abandon yourself utterly to God. As my fact, when things start getting good for alcoholics, you might even get to the point where you start laughing at people in a means where they talk about God. As a matter of fact, when you're about ten years sober and you have been drinking ten years and you think you really arrived, you know what I'm talking about, because you got a car and you got a good job and all that sort of stuff, you might find you might start saying things, while I'm spiritual, not religious, and making fun of religious people, even though the big book says we lose all prejudice, even against religion or organized religion, we see where they may be right and we adopt what they say. You May, you may become incredibly prejudiced against God. You may you may become even to the point where you're scared to even say God because you you don't, you'll make up acronyms like good, orderly, direction or whatever it is to avoid saying God. Because you want to know something. You're still negotiating this thing, you're still trying to you know you know something because because you don't even realize, like most people, don't realize, how pathetic your life still is, and then you wind up with twenty five years and you still worried about stuff, and then you wind up and your seven years old and you're still chasing after women that are thirty years younger than you. And then you wind up and you wind up with your life and you're still lonely. You know, loneliness is for you. Do Vision for you, it says. Now and then a drinker, being dry of the motion moment, says don't Miss...

...it all. Feel better, look better, I'm having a better time. We laugh at such salad. You know he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with this sobriety. Soon he'll know lonelinesses if you do. It doesn't impress me when people is physically sober, you know, and certainly early on it does, you know. But the bottom line, don't kid yourself. There's a step that separates the members of the boys. The third step will getting down your knees for five seconds. You'll say a little prayer and you'll get up off your knees, but you won't necessarily be convinced. I know I wasn't convinced, and the reason I know I wasn't convinced is because if I was convinced that God would do anything for me and he was in my life, I would never have to worry again. And my whole life for the first fifteen years was worrying about stuff and being anxious about stuff. And I know one thing. One of my old ideas was nobody understands me, nobody thinks the way I do, and I've been doing enough a means, I've done to enough thoughts that know I'm like the reason we hang together because we're like twins. And if I felt it, you have helt it, and if it was happening to me, it was happening to you. And that's the bottom line and that's why this thing works and that's why people listen to people when they talk, when they're at least on you don't even have to be a good talk all you have to do is be honest and sincere and once you learn how to think, that you got it made. But the bottom line is is this is the real, true alcoholism and this is what it says. And so how do you deal? How do you get to that point where all Bill Wilson said, when Carl when Bill Dotson, the man on the bed, you know that portrait that says came to believe Bill Dootson said he was, so he was. There's too. Let me tell you some. There's two a eggs. There's the not drinking club, which eighty percent, nine you per cent of the people in a are, and the not drinking club. You know, as far as they're concerned, as long they're not drinking, it's working, which is okay, that's cool and that will never be changed. I'm not going to change it. Nine percent of people don't even matter, as long as they're not drinking. You know, they don't want to hear about the God thing. Don't want to hear. They don't want to go any further there. You know what the six step says. They're settling. They're settling, they're settling. I know what it is to settle. You just settle. You know, I'll not. I've got into the point where I'm settling. I got a nice life, I got a car, I got a girlfriend, everything's okay. I'm just settling. And there's another A. There's an a where it has to be being rocked it in the fourth dimension of existence and knowing peace and knowing the new freedom, not the old freedom, of new freedom, of freedom never had before. That's another thing. That's a that's another deal. That has to do with the step that separates the men from the boys, and the men's are one who are convinced and they are putting God the center piece of their life and they're not scared to talk about it. You know why? Because they're not worried about what you think about and you know what? I found that when I was twenty five years old. They can't fire me. From me, I can say anything at all about you. I can say anything I want to say, and the only thing that I'll happen to somebody will roll their eyes. And what if? I don't care where they rolls their eyes. I'll disturb somebody. And you want to know what that means? That means whatever. You disturbed and Ritter, what the cause? There's something wrong with you and they're going to have to figure that out, because it's not going to bother name, because I know what this program is. All that I've read the books. I read Dr Bob, the good old timers. I know between nine thirty five, nineteen thirty nine, the book they foun of the Central, absolutely essential our first Corinthians, thirteen, sermon on the Mount in the book of James. I know that you couldn't get an aim unless you got down and needs gave your life to God. You couldn't even get into an aim meaningless you did that stuff. I know what this thing was all about. I know with Dr Bob was all about. I know it will Wilson was all about when he turned to build docts and he said the Lord has been so wonderful me. For me is terrible disease. God got keep talking about him, telling other people. I know what Dr Bob thinks about atheists and agnostics and he said you, if you're an atheist or agnostic or some sort of intellectual pride would keeps her from this. I feel sorry for you. Your heavenly body will never there's heavenly father will never let you down. I understand what AA is all about. I get okay, that's the deal and that's why I talked about I talk about it because you know something. I'm more concerned that somebody's going to die out there because they never hear the message of alcoholics anonymous. Then, whether or not you like me, I'm willing to have you hate me and walk away and say that Guy Rolso's really a piece of crap. Will how can you say the how can they live? I'd rather I I would rather have you tepe me and walk away from here and say at least I told my truth and I didn't back down because I was more worried about what people thought about me, which is, quite frankly, a real disease. I had the GE what do they think about me? Disease. I don't walk away, I don't leave anything on the table, I don't walk away from these meetings. Saint Gee, I wish I had told him this. I don't back off from this crap. You know what I mean. This is a life or death thing as far as I'm concerned. So never say to anybody at a A. Well, I never heard that shit. Nobody ever said that stuff, even though you say to yourself right now, Gee, they don't talk about this stuff in the a meetings I go to. Of course they don't talk about it. They're scared to talk about it because everybody in Aa today think somehow somehow, in a book when he said God either is or isn't, there is one of us all power. That one has got me and find him now. Somehow it's gotten around A. that's a bad thing to talk about God. Somehow that's happened. I don't know how that's happened, but I'll tell you it's not going to happen on...

...my watch. So here's what it says. Here's the last thing, and then I don't even know what time it is. I always go over. I'm not going to do it here. I let me read this one thing because I I will say this and now I can be wrong about this. I can be wrong. I think I'm up getting to say that. I'm thinking. You know, it says you have to be powas the first step. His powers over at alcohol and your life is unmanageable. Right, here's what I'm thinking. I think it has more to with unmanageability. You know, the more I think about it, I think, the more I think about the more I think it's about consequences. The more I think it's about I mean, you could get drunk a million times, you can count. You can get drunk and have all sorts of crap happened to you. It seems to me that would the and I going to tell you some I have worked with hundreds of alcoholics, sponsored a lot of guys. It seems to me that the men that really seemed to make it and the women it's to make it suffer serious consequences. There's there's something about consequences, you know. I guess when you're when you're defiant and you think you're smarter than anybody else and you're arrogant like I was, and you think you know everything, I guess there's something about being crushed beyond recognition and being scared that causes you to somehow stop talking and shut the fuck up and follow directions. You know, I think, I think this has something. You know what? I think this has to do some guy, I know, somebody take this thing. I'm not going to. I remember one guy in a big meeting. He still up. He asked me a question. You said, I keep on relapsing, I keep on relapse, and I had three years I relapsed, that four years I relapsed, that had five years I relapsed and now I now have ninety days and I just won't get down on my knees. Do you think I have a problem? Do you think that's a problem? And I said you want me to tell you whether I said, yeah, I think it's a problem. I think it's a problem. I said, you know, we have this thing called alcohol. Thank God for alcohol, and and every every year alcohol comes through. Alcohol synonymous, sort of like a plague, and it wipes out all the Horse Shit, it wipes out all the excuses, it wipes out all the bullshit. Younger stone, I'm saying, if we didn't have alcohol, God only knows what a a would look like. It just sort of purifies the whole deal, and so do I think it has a promise that you know, sometimes you just have to get the point where you shut the hell up and do what you're told. You know how hard it is to get an alcohol to shut the hell up and just do what you're told and say I'm not interested in your opinion, I don't care what you think. You know why I came in here. Let me tell you. My sponsors said, here's the twenty four hour book. I want you to get on the these every day, ask God's help to stay sober and joining group. I don't ever remember him asking me whether I believe in God. I don't even remember the discussion and I ended up doing it anyway. So here's the deal. Here's what it says, because I want to talk about I'm going to talk for three minutes about the first step. Pay Seventy two in order to talk about the first step. I'm going to talk about the whole defining thing in the first step. I'm going to start up the seventh step. So here we go. Here's the seventh step, which talks about the first step, and if you understand the seventh step, you'll understand the first it's sort of like back around, but for us the gaining of a new perspective was unbelievably painful. Not just painful, unbelievably painful. It was only by repeated humiliations, which I believe, as words Smith and as a lawyer, means more than one time repeat. That's because we have to have repeat humilations more than one time, because we are so freaking brilliant. Repeated humiliations that we were forced to learn something about humility. Apparently, repeated humiliations over a period of years that are unbelievably painful helps with the humility thing. Apparently somehow we can think our way into humility. It just helps to lose a job, lose a white lose a them, lose all your money. It just helps in that regard. What we were forced learn somebody humilion, it was only at the end of a long road, long road marked by successive defeats and humiliations. It's part of the process. Don't complain when you're having the crap knocked down at view. This is good for you, this is good for you, this is helpful for you,...

...this will keep you in a this will keep you on your knees and the final crushing of our self sufficiency. That doesn't sound pretty, does it? That we began to feel humility as something more than a condition of rubbing despair. Every newcomer and alcoholics, anonymous told and soon realizes for himself that is humble admission of powerlessness over alcohol is his first step towards liberation from its Illi seen grip. So apparently it has something to do with really being cry God, I hope you've been crushed them up. I can tell you this. I'm going to. I'm going to promise you this. If you haven't been crushed enough, stay tuned. Stay tuned. I'm going to tell you one last story and then we're going to go, because I don't know, it just came to my mind, or I think Lord wants me tell you. I was on relay for eight years between on Friday nights, from eight o'clock to night, I mean from eleven o'clock to night till late o'clock next morning. If you called the alcoholics anonymous, you got to talk to me. You understanding the saying it, which is probably why, for eight years, nobody can't alcoholics anonymous O day. But that's besides the point. So I one night, at around zero in the morning, I get a call and it's from a young lady, you know, he sound like she was in her s and she told me this story and God I hope she's okay now. She said, she said I have a Pea, you know, she called me up in alcoholics on the hotline and she said, listen, I have been sober for a year. I'M A pee, I'm a nurse, I'm a PhD in nurse and I have a little girl and and I don't want to drink and and I had a drink today and I could lose everything. I can lose my little girl, I could lose my job, I could lose everything if I drink and I need to not drink and I need can you help me? I don't want to drink. And he says but there's only one thing I want you to know. And I said what's that? He says, I don't want you to talk to me about alcoholics anonymous, and I said, well, we have two problems. and Said Yeah, I said I got two problems with that. He says, well, what are the problems, she said? I said, well, number one, I said I'm sober three years, three or four years, however many years it was. And I said, and the only way I got sober is through alcoholics anonymous. So I don't know what plan B is, even I don't know what plant be is. You know what I mean. All I know is alcoholics anonymous. And said, okay, I understand that. What's the second problem? I said, well, the second problem is you called alcoholics anonymous. Missus PhD in nursing. You know. So let me tell you some when you deal with alcoholics, this is not well, people's anonymous. You're not Britty. Not necessarily deal with the bulk, the brightest bulbs and the planet. You know, let me tell you something. We all know everything. Don't wait, but that's all we know. That's all we know. We just know we know everything, but that's all we know. So thank you, very much. I got nothing more on this deal. Know what time it is that I go over under the deal here.

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