AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 30 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 1

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution group, Barnegat, NJ - Russell S - 12 week Step Series Starting July 8, 2020

Well, Hi everybody mine's Russell SPATTFRO'm an alcoholic. So it's a pleasure being here. I justwant you to know. I don't know how many people are from the South Hloridy area,but I I havent found: U Sat I've drink since January, twent, F, Nineteen D,Eighty one so fortit year and of doing this thing and to hand combat with thecraziness of life and UH. You know I I my first few years in Aa Iused to follow that around. We have something in Daytown Miami, Dade andBrowar a I think they have in Onro County in south floridicalled stepseries. They've had hem for as long as I can remember like fifty sixty years,and what would happen is they would get individuals, I guess were respected and h. They would have a particularindividual Um. You know the book does say if you want what we have an a willand go o anylate to get it, so they would find people that somehow maybe they were, maybe they were men, not boys orwhatever e Heck. They were, but they spoke. He the Authority and they HapeneT. do these series and what, if you were going to do a step series, if youwere going to take it on, you would speak to a particular group for Lingetwelve weeks and do a different step every week. You know one to twelve and a lot ofpeople would follow these individuals around and gifferent individuals from timetime to learn their take on the various steps. And, of course you know as like a Gon Tol wotxhes, ORigscip, an every nugt that watshes the door, and you know some people wouldyou know you would just get different viewpoints in different perspectives onthe steps and I used to follow all these guys around. These guys were incredible. I couldn'tbelieve it. I would sit there and they would talk for an hour andwithout a script apparently- and I would say, Iha to sit there and talkfor an hour and step. I D N T, I can't talk for five seconds and and I guess they were just talkingabout their life and they hadbeen working hem. So long- and so I you know what I didn't realize his-what I d realized, there came a time when I started traveling around youknow, I'm an attorney, so I'm like a pay, pull shit artist, so I mean I'vegot the gift of Gob, so Chitrnes. There came time where I start travelingaround doing these circuin things and speaking, and I was surprised to learnthat they, you know, I c go to New York. I go to California or whatever it is, and we be talk about these scaptoriesand nobody knew what I was talking about and I'd Sa the Sese, and I wassurprised to learn that these things were indigenous to really basicallysout Florda, that they didn't Doman. Also, you know they dad browed him Monroe County's down here and which isprobably why they were pretty solid down here for many years on the bigbook and things like that, because they had these supposedly elder statesmen. Talkingabout what the deal was all about, not o a a light sonament I was, I was very much surprise, learn that h.They don't have them everywhere, but NAM that I am privileged to Bein aamean. It's always good for me tobe here and it's a privilege and I'm humble to be able to speak to you all,and I don't know whether this is going to be. I can tell you this. You know I learneda long time ago I used to think I had to try. I used to go how to carry themessage and H. I since learned that I don't have toreally carry the message. All I have to do is try to carry the message. That's a tough! That's a tough dealing.You think you have to carry the message. You know that means if anybody drinksafter this deal. It's like my fault, like I have that power and AI. Remember I remember when I wasabout three years sober three or four years older Hend. I started sleaking. Iwas at this meeting and homestead Florida and I was doing themeating holestead and I W. I think I was on the fourth step or somethinglike that and and and I and I did the worst, the worst, you can look it up. It's inyou knowbill it's in that book of Records, the worst AA meeting in thehistory of alcoholis anonymous. I did the worst. You know nobody was laughingat my jokes. They all looked like a giant oil painting out there and I was sitting there all worried about how terrible I was doing and everythinglike that, and I thought it was the worst meeving Tan. When I lafhed to the group. You know,of course they all said. Thank you very much and as theyere trained to do andand I left the meeting- and I I just I was just overcome with this compulsive deal- that we do thinking about whatdid I say nd? What did I say and what Di they think and I knew everybody wascalling up their cousin and uncle saying we just heard the worst speakerin Alcoholis ynonymous. His name is Russell. You know broadcastedthroughout the United States and you know the way we are well. Maybe notthe way you were but the way I was I I was already figuring out of my mindto I was going to make an excuse and...

...not show up, because I got to taste ifyou're an Alcoholi you're, also an excuseoholic. I got excuses. You can'tpossibly believe, like my mother just died or whatever I wasn't going to shop ut, I knew I wasgoing to show up because one thing I had gone for me INA. I think the mostimportant I had Hav gone for me early on at least, and probably even now isthis incredible desire to stas over this incredible desire not to drinkknow. I can tell you something when more than anything else, you don't wantTa, drink, you're scared of Drinkin. You would be surprised at the bullshityou buy into. I once went up to my sponsor and told them I was broken. Ineed money and I was Gono be tossed out on the street and he said- and I I toldthem how how droke I was ow. My wife, my kids coul be crond. I needed moneyand I was talking about like real problems and he said you know Rus. Ithink I think I understand what you're saying I think this th. I got theanswer for you. I said Rally Sayea. I said I think it's about time. Youstarted making coffee for the Group and I'm sin therethinking. I don't think this guy is listening to me. I'm talking about realproblems. You know I mean money's on Nporteis, just right up there withoxygen and and he's telling me about making Clau wit the group, but here'sthe deal. I never thought about this until years later. He will turn aroundand said. Follow me and I started following the guy over to the COFT upon.I start showing me how to make the coffee I watched them. I made the coffee andthe next day no money came in and I didn't want to go to the meeting 'cause.I was very depressed. U No E, we don't even go into the Pressur regostratintovery depression and I didn't want to go to the meeting, but I had to go becauseI had to make the coffee for the Groove, and so I went and I worked out and I kepton going making coffee for the group and I didn't want any coffee for thegroup. I didn't know what coffee I had to do with money and I don't know whathappened. I didn't drink and H. Somehow the money came in andthree months later, some guy came up and they said I'll make the copy. Isaid I'm the Coffeemakr whoell are you, you know o Lak, her and UH. So so youknow people sponsors will tel. You will beyouill belooking for answers to questions like where am I going to get the money andthey'll start talking to you about making coffee you'll start talking tothem about how you want to commit suicide and they'll, say whydn't Shulgo help that guy over there they'h'they'll say things you see. Theproblem is when you're insane then we're going toget into insanity. I know I'm insane because I I did the second step andsaid I'd be restored to Saturday. Hasn't quite happened. Yet you knowwhat I mean, but I said I be restored to Saturday and I figured out afterabout ten years, sober that you can't be restore to sanity unless you areinsane in the first place. So so when you're insane and you have been livingon insane selfish self serving life, your entire life up until the age ofthirty one and you walkd into alcohol is anonymous and you may accidentallyrun into somebody. That's actually emotionally emotionally sober sane when he starts sainghings to you,they're going to sound if you're insane he's going to sound insane, and so Ikept on getting these spotcors telling me things that didn't make any sensewhatsoever, but because of my fear of drinking because I feared I might drink,I ended up doing em anyway, you know they say alcohols. The chiefsactoristic is thefiance were undisciplined, I'm the Guy who looks atyou, no matter what you say to me. I say: Watch Obut Yourself, you know I'mgood hell at you. Wyou, don't understand you don't know anything. Youknow what I mean I W. I want to talk back to you. I want to scream at you. Iwant to hate you, you know, how do you get a guy likethat when he's told something insane to actually follow you and start makingcoffee an what happened to me is I just didn't want to drink. I just didn't want to drink so as Ileft that meeting in Homestead Florida, knowing that I had just done the worst,a a meeting in the entire universe. Up to that point, and knowing that I didn't want to goback because the way I feel is an alcoholic, if I'm embarrassed and Ithink people are laughing at me- I ain't going back. That's just you know.If I walk into a room like Marlabramesai D, there's three hundredperse people and hat and Hon doesn't like me, I got a league, you know whatI mean I gotto get out of there y now, because fear of people and theirjudgment and people not liking me just chills me. I will do anything to makeyou alikemen. If I don't think you like me I'll call you up three o'clockmorning, I'll wake you up and I'll say did I do something to offend you. Youknow I just I just you know I just apparently that has something to dowith the real alcoholism. I don't know I'm trying to figure it out, but in anyevent, so I I I was not going to go back to that, meaning where I had given the worst a meetingin the entire universe, but I didn't want Ta drink and somehow I my smonchor,told me when somebody asked Mo Diotina.

You always say yes and you alwaysfulfil your responsibilities, and so I knew I was coming back becauseI knew if somehow I knew I don't know how I knew this. I just knew. If Ididn't go back, I drinkit. I knew that I knew I was going to drink. If Ididn't go back, if I lie or made sho saw, I went backthe next week and and a guy came up to me right beforethe meeting started and he introduced himself to me- and he says you don'tknow me, but I was at that, meaning you did last week and h when you do the forstep nd saidyeah and Ye said I just want to tell you. You saved my life, I saidreallySAS. You saved my life. I have two months of Bariety. My wifeleft me. Yesterday I lost my job. I was going to drink. I was going to drink asI was going out. The door instead of drinking I'v decided to go to one moreAA to see. If anybody there could help me and I satin the back of the room, you didn't hear me and men, you man, I'll, tell Yo. When Iheard you're your step man, my entire life changed. I saidreally, he said Yeah. He says he said when you sing when you said the chickenwas on the roof. The entire program came together for me and I looked an and you know her'sincredible thing. I had never said the chicken was on theroof. No, I knew what he was talking about, because I was talking somepoultry in there. I knew the part e was talking about, but IA. Actually he gotthe whole thing wrong. I said to him the T I said the Turkey is in thebasement and now, of course, I'm Goin to saysometig I took credit for it anyway. I said Oh yeah chicking out o the roof. Isay that stuff all the time. That's my s statement you know and and h. So here here's the deal withthat. You See, I learned the lesson from them and you see I thought I had to carry a message. Ithought I thought my job was to carry a message and what I learned is my job is not tocarry a message. ECAUSE. I have the power carry message. My job is to trytho carry the message. That means what I do is, I think, thebest job I could that night now this may be the worstfirst IV being I've ever done in my entire life, but it's going to be the best one I cando tonight. I can tell you that, and God will take care of the rest, see what happened. That night is. I gotup there and I did the worst AA meeting in the history of Alcohol Saannas, ohitwas, terrible and in that AEA Aman. I said Turkey is in the basement in that sort of floated there aroundthe room. Turkey is the baseman Turkey in the basement, Turkey, in thebasement and when it got that back guy, that was sitting in the ractback in theback row who was desperate and wanted to stay. Sober Turkey in the basementwent in his ears and Godn o does what God does he knew exactly what wasmissing from that Man's heart and he turned it into chicken on the roof. Gofigure and I get the Prit, and so I don't know whether I'm going to be yourTurkey in the basete checking out the roof for what I'm going to say tonight,most people in alcoholsanonomous. They don't really hear the whole thing.They'l hear like I've spoken to enough groups to no people come up to the end.Tell me I really helped hem an I said this and it's usually something Ididn't even say or Ol say you help me when Yous, you know, if there's athousand people in ameeting and each one will well remember one thing yousaid or didn't say or Haw Hemset your reflechion we're all at differentplaces here and so h, it's good to be I'm going to talk a little bit n Yo k W.I I am going to try and behave myself. You know, usually when I get into thestepsite I mand around all over the place, I'm not prommised Yeu. I won'tdo that, but I am n to talk a little bit about the first step limit about.Tell story bout. I Wan, you know one time I was up. Let me xplay something: This is a serIIS, a serious disease w. This is a sere. You know I have lived with thisdisease, sober sober forgiven. U Tho! Drinkan thing the drinken is as amatter AKT UANT as some thrinking isn't. Even the big deal. I used to think itwas a big deal. You know that that it's a sen, you know what it says. AFTR youfinally get past the drinkan thing. I am recovered from a holeless state ofMITE body. I know what hopeless stay to mind a body. Is You everll, wake up inthe morning and tell yourself you're not going to drink today, and then youend up drunk anyway. I us se that over and over and over and over again let meexplain: Sonto andthis. This group is notso hard to explain. You probably getwhat I'm talking about. I could not. I was thirty one years old. I could notstop drinking. I thought my life was...

...over. As a matter of fact, when I canda Alonyiand, I said I neen help. I can't stop drinking when you can't stopdrinking when you wake up in the morning, you sincerely save yourself,I'm not going to buy boose, I'm not gon t I'm not going to drink. Today, I'mnot to go to the Bardday and at five o'clock the afing new searching fordimes Nichols and quarters. So you can buy a half gallon bottle of CarlisRussy candy sit sit by your phonograph and pay your help. You record yourHouky Sonds, like only the lonely or I'm mter, blue or rainings or Mondays,or whatever th Bulshon is and think about all the girls that rippd yourharm at and drink yourself, that when you can't stop drinking lemitate,Somthin, that's a hopeless state of mind. THOBODY! You want to knowsomething. I picked hem a white chip, an alcolsonomous on January, twentyfifth Nin teeny one I haven't found necesar how to drink. After that, Ihave recovered from a hopeless Tan on Mi emdbody, just like the first hundredhade recovered from a whole state of minden body. It's an incredible feeling,and then I found out many many months and years after I cam DAA, that that wasn't even the problem thatwas but a symptol of the insahell of a syptom and believe me. They don't theyloarn a rester for drive while fat. You know what I mean: Trust t wol drinking,but it's a hell of a symptom, but apparently what I was suffering fromsent ir to my mind, not my body, it's some sort of craziness that Sel, Ithink Carl minager said in his Bookman agest himself. Whi Shul Book On suiciden Said Alcoholic men and women are people who are out to destroythemselves. They just thought they hell, kill themselves, there's somethingabout an alcohol where I don't know: whe're sort, oflike, scisophrenic,there's one part of our blody. That tells us that t were the greatest whereGods gift to mankind, where the greatest in the world were thesmartnest of only people would recognize that and then there's justthis other part. That tells us where pieceof Shit and we go to Blorbranzathat we're totally unworthy. I mean why why O that explain the Mater, where Iam in right life somewhere along the way I'll do ladder up in the shower andI'll start saying things tor myself, I'm an ass whole. I had to kill myselfand then I turn around to see him saying that to me, I'm the only one inthe shower. Why? Why don't I have that Celetalk ataway of that loneliness oe? Why don't I haveall that other suwhy? Don't I have?What about the worry? What about the anxiny? What's that all ofthe you knowyeah, I can. I can help another alcoholic and that sort of life that'sa great tool. You want to off yourself. You want to kill yourself, you feellonely. You feel like your lifeis over helping ap another appoff, you feel rat.You know what I mean. It's like taking a drape, but you don't get driit justrelieves the pressure it's great, but then what happens you know and that hasa half life, what an hour or two hours and then all of a sudden you're back tosucker on the muzzle of a gun, I mean: What's that, all how come your constly?What is with this constant return to the anxiety? What about wh? When doesthis warry go? When toes this fear go away, I mean I think I spent the nextfifteen years in alcohol SONAMAS. I was U. I was hold by a sponsor oncehe said he said you take it out. You can't get out ofjail rustle unless you know you're in jail. In the first place, you can't get out of jail unless youknow you're in jail in the first place. I came to a point of my life from atalk about it, a little while, where I knew I was in an alcohol at jail, Iknew wh. I became comous in the fact that my life was onman was, I waspoundless arolhall and my life was unmanrageable and get this even morethan that. I knew my life was unmanageable because I was porelousoraple. I think that's necessary too. Not only that you're palace arouple andyour life is unmagable. I think I somehow put those two together andunderstand your life is unmanageable because you're powousal roundfall. I think that I mean how how much pas tohappen to Wen outfalt. For that deal to happen, and- and you know I had to getto that P- you know, but you wannoafter that happened and after I stoppeddrinking, I put the plug with t e drug three months later, I'm up at threeo'clock in the morning with fifty thousand voices in my mind, tell meBadshir about myself and other people and worrying about this and worry aboutthat and worrying about stuff that I can't even resolve the same thing over and over and overagain in one point in time. Just now I'm worried about the fact that I can'tget to sleep. What's going to happen tomorrow, when I'm pannicking aboutthat, and then I finally say to myself: I'm a pretty intulligent Gu, I say tomyself: I got to stop worrying athat Yo ev ettell yourself, you ve, give up to Snot Drakin. Let Me Sa some stop anddrinking was the easiest thing I ever did only talk took me thirty, one yearsin like one hour thirty one years in on hour, and I stopped drinking okay butletme. Take again when you weld tell yourself forget: Thi Ty got to stopdrnk you ever tell yourself, you got to stop worrying youever. Tell Yourself! I got to stopthinking about this three o'clock the morning. I got to stop worrying aboutthis. I got a SOM worried about this.

This is killing me IV got to stopworrying about this, and then you stop for a man o a second, then you go rightback to the worry again. What? What is that, when you went whenyou're thirty one years old and you can't get to sleep caus Tou worry abouta particular thing that you can't control and you n have then no controlover, because we had control over it and we were to figured it out a longtime ago and you realize you're going crazy and your realiz in nuts. I can tell you SOMYO got t stop wh.What is what do we call the disease where you can't stop thinking? What do you call disease when you can'tstop thinking bad thoughts about yourself and other people wha whe? What do you call disease whenyou can't Stop Gossiping about other people? What do you call disease whenyou can't stop blaming other people? What do you call a disease when youcan't stop thinking about yourself as a victim? What do you call I disease whenyou can't stop feeling sorry for yourself? What do you call it disease when allyou do wish focus on your feelings and worry about why you feel the way youfeel Iwwhtwelli'l tell something you knowwhat I learnd. I learned that disease was something called alcoholism, an it sent Itto my mind, not my bodyand it's t e hucrid forms of fear self delusion so seeking an I step on PetePople's toes and they retaliate so without provocation. But somehowsomehow it's happened because I'v made decision the past based upon self andselfishness, which put me a position to be hurt and, above all, I must get ridof this selfish. Just cise. That's the true disease, because if I don't geread of it, I'm going to drink again or Mowi brains out or I'll just live alife, O quiet, desperation, Shaw, sober an IT twenty years. They'll ask me howI'm doing I'll see I'm hanging in there. You know I won't be Rockin in thefourth tomention of existance. So how do you get rid of that to you how manyyears and Si you get rid of that er? How many years? But until you stopworrying about the car and you're driving and your weight and how youlook and what people are thinking about you and your job? What's GOINGTA happento you and how many years wit, antoow years until you stopp thinking badthoughts about Yourself Ayway? What is that? What is that allabout? What program? Do I go to get get a rid of that stuff? And and so I'm going to talk a little bit?That's what we're going to talk e in to have a lot of line about emotionalsobriety, but whan it turns out. I sh, I shouldave realized. You See. I thought the battle was over as soon as I stoppeddrinking, but I want to get to the the first step, the stuff I want to talkabout the first Te. I I M, I'm not going to go into a drunkelok. Iwill tell you this. I heard a lot of people drinking I'd like to blame. I'd like to sayalcohol. Alcohol is the blank. I want to blamealcohol for my being selfish. I want to lane alcohol for my walking out on mywife or five years and my child and walking away because she kept ontelling me she wanted me to stop drinking and she wanted to stop goingto the bay. I want to blame alcohol when I made that decision sober to walkaway from her. That's what I want to do. I'm want to blame alcohol. I want toblame out. You know what I want to say when I was cold, stoneand sober and wedecided to go to a marriage, counselor and the marriage. COUNSEOR said to mywife: What do you want to change about Rossell and she was a perfectly nicewife and she- and she said I just- would like him to maybe stay home,sometimes and come home for dinner and maybe not drink so much, and then heturned to me and I had a date that night and I wanted to go out and datebecause that's what I really want to leave her, because I want to go outwith other women and I said to the count, and he said: How do you want tochange your wife Russell, and I said I just want to date, o other women, and I said that coldspone sober,because I wanted to destroy that. I hurt most of the bad things most ofthe selfish things. I said most of the people. I let down the people I heardand the decisions I made. I was cold stone, sober it had to do with myselfish feelings, about myself whele. I thought I was a great guy and the onlything alcohol. The only thing alcohol Di for me is allow me to live with mysorry. Ass Cell, without blowing my brain out, because when you live alike thatSelvishon you heard people, I say my sponsor, I feel guilty. He said: That'sbecause you are guilty, that's why you feel guilty ecause! Youare guilty, you know what the bottom wine is. Is that how do I? I don'tblame outhall for anything. You know. I heard some of the same people after Igot sober the same way. How about that? Why do you think we have a tencetto? No,it has nothing to o without has to do with something called alcoholism, andif I can use the booze, I use the drugs. If I can use to lose the drugs on YI'll use the money I'll use, the woman...

I'll use the sex I'll use. Anythingthat'll fix me up and make me feel okay, because I do worship God i wish God andthe God I worship is called my feelings. I don't need a higher power. You know Ihave hire pouers, I can. Can I tale aout my Hart powers that ont sitting inthe front row the AI meaning that good looking blond. You know with that body.You know something: That's a higher power for me, no matter how muchintegrity. I have no matter how much I think about myself, no matter how muchI want to do the right thing. You know something I'll figret how to leav mywife for that deal. You Know Wat. You know I have a hi o oWat high hower. Is I don't know how about ten grands a hundred grand? Idon't know a million dollar. I've been a new car. You know I'll back. I'vespent more money, I don't have bindshit. I don't need to impress people, I don'tlike 'cause. I worry about what they think about me. I got TA higher power.It's a bran new car. It's a billboard! It's a woman! It's a job! It's Su! Iwill throw anybody under the bus to save my job to to get that woman. Letme take him. I was allowange. Listen. I spent I spent years traveling aroundlounges. Looking for looking for my next vict, I wonder what she had. I wasWan te go to anlate to get. Let me tell you something: Iam surrounded by higherpowers, I'm adicted to things of this world. No, I didn't know how it I wasan some oagan. I know how Dikat I was. I didn't even know it was an addiction.I didn't know it was a problem. You know why, because everybody I hungaround thought the same way. Eway. I thought every T V shall ever watchevery commercial eberbash everything I am surrounded in a world. That tells meif I have this, if I get that, if I could only move there, if I could onlybe that everything would be okay. My whole life is Ain if Oli and yes butter.If only I had that woman I'd be okay, if only I could absess I'll be okay, ifonly had more money, I'd be Oainon Wan to know something it works. It workslike the boozeworks, it works for an hour or two hours and then you're apiece of CRAFP again and then you worrit again. You know I was in IIFonly I had this I'd be okay. You know. I even realized that when I told myself, if only I had this I'd, be Ok what Iwas really saying to myself over and over again is I'm not OK, because Idon't have this. I must have told myself a thousandtimes every week, I'm not OK, 'cause. I don't have a new car, I'm not Oky'cause. I don't have a girlfriend, I'm not okay, 'cause! I don't have moremoney, I'm not OK, because they don't like me every time. I said every time I thought,if only I had this, then I would be something you know this constant stateof feeling like you're, unworthy to even be alive. I don't know whether allour thoughts have woul by habit, and you know one of my old ideas is thatnobody could possibly feel the way I do 'cause. Nobody can understand me ECAUSE,I'm so unique and the problem is so. How can I tell anybody how screwed up Iam especially since I don't even know how screwed up I am you know. Well nowI have thirty. Nine years, I've had thirty nine years of repercussions andrepeated humiliations of being crushed by my self sufficiency, try and be selfsufficient, so that I get a new respective and I can see things that Idid and felt when I was twelve years old and twenty years old and thirtyyears old and forty years old. That are clear to me, but I had no clue. I spentthe first fifteen to twenty years in outcol, senonymous learning like with aflashlight just how big the cell was that I was trapped in the first stepinggetting out F jailis knoing jail in the first place. Some daysom alcohol wasthe littlest Cail. I had once I busted an apall at jail. There was ha girljail that was a lust jail. That was the money jail man ther, it jails all overthe place, and I don't even look ing at his jails. I look at him as as things Ineed to have in order to be Ok an and how could I be something wrong with me,everybody's looking for this stuff? Well, there's some people in Churchthat are lo looking for them their nuts. You know they're fanatical they're,crazy. You know they're just focused on God and things like that. It's all I know. As I lost the wife, Ilost the child but altimaty. What I really lost was myself esteeme. I lost all self respect for myself. Ibecame ashamed. I became ashamed. You know, and you know something I don't knowabout anybody else, but there's there's really nothing godly sorrow on theBible. They call it Goe SA. They said worldly. Sorrow leads to death, KnoWorldes, ors eoly. Sorrow is self pity. I don't know how many people here knowwhat Self Pitti's. All of that I have a PhD and so Piti. I don't even needalcohol. I feeel sort for myself. I I can feel sorr for myself at the drop ofa hat. You know what I mean I wake up in the morning. Looking for Reeasoofeel sorry for myself. I have a PhD in...

Sopity. You know what that is. That'salcoholis! When you can't stop feeling sorry for yourself. You know you know that self pity is a hart. YouKnow, God worldly sorrow, leats to det at least the death. You can't get outof some pity, but godly sorrow, leade, the repentance an salvation you want toknow godly stars, Golby salways when you finally get to the one in your life, were you're ashamed of what you'vebecome you're, not pissed off at other people.You're, not a victim. You've just become ashamed of what youve become,and I don't know about you. I guess everybody has their points where they have to go to the pointwhere, where they lot the mar you ever look in the MARRIAE. This happened tome one one night on December, twenty fifth, nineteen, eighty, where I lookethe Miror- and I said this- I said who, who are You Ki? You know I'm not on you,I'm the kind of ALOALTA, no matter how bad things are. Thet ain't that bad it ain't that bad man. As long as I hada girl as long as I coal find one female that would hang with me. I wasOK, my ego. If I could find one sickow, you know what I mean to sort of look upto me and adore me. I was on top of the world if, if I could still have my carI'd Beon if I ad J, if, if I could somehow look to something in my life, an I think, alcohol Ur alcohol, Il onKno SOMNT, see Al. I used to tell my sponsor 'cause. Heused her. He used to say bad things. My spos was very nean to I've. Had Foursponsord, all wonderful men. They were all very mean to me. They they they,they flunked the course on love and toleranceas our cold Le e day, Theyshousay bad things to me. I once had MI once had one of my spo, I I I graduatedto Farmi taloters of Matemag Os go for my PhD and Algebate toology. I became alawyer, the biinchiep in the states, tars office, trying murder cases. I wasnot a dumb bunny. I had all these degrees on the wall. I was supposed tobe sponsored by Jesus Christ. You know where Albert Einsteon they weren'taround, so they gave me some guy who would be engracuith the sixth grade. Itwas used, Carnosalesmhen, theybob Sulivan and you know so. I'm sittingthere listening to him. The EASELOS tellng me. I think it's about time.You're, making coughand comes to my office one day and I got about fortydiplomas on the walls. I got the greeds that that abtolulely proved I've beeneducated, Farboni capacity to know anything. I am the smartest Guyn e roomand I turne to Bob- and I said Bob. These are my degrees and Bob looves andme says: We'll rush. You know, rackle temomaters have tgrees, you know wh,they do with those and that's the kind of sponsors. Theyalways had something to say to me to sort of knock me off. My Pins Yo knowbecause that's what I needed o used to say. Yo, U Know Russell you're bestthinking got you got you where you are right today, my smartest thinking an somehow someway I had to whip myeceself in the eye when I was thirty one years old and Ithought my life was over. It was ever going to be better again, and I was inmy one bedroom apartment to my townhouse in Caawa Florida and I haddecided. I was going to be the Uhefner of Miami, but you can't really be the: U HavtorMiami when you can't walk. You know what I mean it Trinkin, so much andyou're always broke because I apparently I didn't understand why Iwas always broken. I was making good money because apparently ias a littlesecret. I learned in a took me nine years to learn that Sommonto teach youguys is right now who says when you spend more money than you make you gointo something called tat. Did you know that I didn't know th T ITAS? True,it's absolutely true imself. So I I look myself myself in the eye, and Isaid Thi is what I said. My sissaid, who are you kiding? Who are you toing? Your life is over you're, nothing. I was always going to be in nothing. I was neverthing else, butor, nothing.I used to put me. I used to put something in my mouth o Turne me into an almost when you're,nothing. Almost this top of the world I had againtwhere. I was so ashamed ofmyself. T ey had no place else to go, and I can't tell you what that point is,but I got that when I got down on my niece Isember Twenty nineteen atChristmas Mornn nineteen. Eighty three o'clock the morning turned on T v.There was some creature to talk about Jesus. He said you want to change yourlife, become a new creation born again all sort of stuff, a Ju get down thenews. O say these words. I got down on my knees in a Nano Sec. I hadn't stoutworried about that. Ther was a god or not a God. I said this in his prayer. IAcet the Jesn, my life, which is not a big deal for most PP, but for a JewishKar from Greatne e Yord, I'm going to Tel you. I was a big deal, but youought to be there if you've never been deron how to explain it to Ou, neverrob an alcoholic of his desperation. All alcohols have to drink their laststraigt. You don't have your desperation, youdon't drink your last friend, wemen Tay, you something there's always apossibilt. You COMINTO A A and you'll endup drinking in twenty years down theroad. You know I thank God for the...

...bottom, my head- I thank God for thebottom. I had one month later. I didn't think anything happened, but one monthlater I picked the light ship, an UPAN A andI never found I shoul have a drink after that, and then I only had to dealwith the disease of alcoholism. So I want to read something: I've gotsomething I picked out: Shorty ittls, something I want to pick out from Theanimari from twelve and twelvte.Why all this insistence on hetting bottom a why Oldis Ansit II got to be honestwith you. I know all about this educationalvariety stuff. I ow all this stuff about raising the bottom. It's allgreat! You understand what I'm saying: I'm not talking against it, but I'lltell you something God. I hope you hit your bottom Ihope Yo. I pray ou at your bottom. Ireally do I hit a bottom okay and it said why all this insistence onhitting the bottom, because nobody going to do this stuff nobody's going to work this programstucku thoroughly nobody's gonna, nobody's going to abandon themselvesutterly to God. You know there is one alos well power. You know, there's one!It's not fifteen, there's not twenty five! There is one Owis all power andthat one is got that you find him now that one is God they say make you findhim now it says: Half measures, rebelliondoesn't value anything. You know you have people that can say so for twentyyears and they still don't get it now. If you belong to the not drinkingclub that may be okay with you and I've always said my spottes said to me. Hesays if you're notcol an you, go forjan Yo gn a drinke. If you screw up anywaypossible. You know some Youra winner n. In one sense, I believe that yeah, yourake five nuns, an you killed: Fifteen babies, but wonom you didn't have adrink. You're a WI mean I ca. Okay, I understand that deal, but I'm going totell you something the book I have after the drinking it talks aboutAmotiol Spran a talks about he six step: Ia, Separatin Merom the boys it talksabout. If you want to be rocketed in the fourth demention of existence andexperienced much of Havit, then the grat fact is this and nothing less. Godhas o become the central fact of your life. You have become convinced that helives in your hearts and minds just indeed nracness he's doing fo what wecan't do for yourself, you're on a new basis of trusting relying upon God. Youmust remember your whole Reliane relasted on him. Yo will show hem howto create the fellowship you Crame Seda, with your relationship with him. IsWriting Great Abotto. Come past new and tallous others. We never apologize forGod, we Likan anwork in our life and we pray them to really Desei me. A pear atonce per is removed. You know I I I've read the bit, I know I know whatout, Iknow howhalanamamis takes a position on a anagnosticism and atheism. We may betol by no takes of position. That says this sort of thinking must be abandoned,but you know we gotta talk about Gowere Gointo talk about God, eaing, the Rasore isn't. What's IT GOING TO BE? There is no middle of the road solution.There is no negotiating this thing: It isn't it isn't: God and the sex itisn't: God and Tha, woman or God, and the man or God im the husband or Gottim the money Yo'r got in the job is non negotiating with it. God has to becomethe sential fact to your life. I understand that and I understand thatthe drinking will drive you to your needs. It'll, maybe even get you tolisten. Something itill may even get you to make coffee, okay, but threemonths down the road six months down the road nine months down to two yearsdown the road three years down the road, the drinking will not necessarily getto to the point where you're really ready to abandon yourself utterly toGod, as m at when things start getting goodfor alcohos. You might even get to the point where you start laughing atpeople and a means when they talk about God. As a matter of fact, when you'reabout ten years, sober N, you are going to drink ten years and you think You'ereally right. You know what I'm talking about, because you got a car and yougot a good job and all that sort of stuff you maght, find you might stop sayingthings lo: NMSPIRITUAL, not religious and making fun of religious people.Even though the big Buk says we lose all prejudice, even against religion, R,organized Wemag, we see where they may be right and we adopt what they say you may you may become incrediblyprejudiced against God, you may. You may become even to the point whereyou're scared to even say God, because you don' ' You'll, make up atrononslike good, orderly direction or whatever it is to avoid saying God,because you want to know something you're still negotiating this thing, you still try. You know, you know somebecause, because you don't even realize, like most people, don't realize howpathetic your life still is, and then you wind up with twenty fiveyears and you're still worried about stuff, and then you, wind up and you'reseven years old and you're still chasing Alf the women that are thirtyyears younger than you and then you wind up and you wind upwith your life and you're still lonely. You know loneliness is, if you dovision, feas now and then a drinker being dry of the motionmoment says: Don't Miss It all feel...

...better. Look better! I'm having abetter time. We laug at such Sallan Yeu know he's going to try the old gameagain because he's not happy with his sobriety. Soon. He'll know lonelinessas.If you do, it doesn't impress me when people is physically sober. You know,and certainly early on it does you know, but the Bomli don't change yourself,there's a step that separates men of the boys. The third ste ell get yo downyour knees for five seconds. You'll say a little prayer and you'll get up offyour knees, but you won't necessarily be convinced. I know I wasn't convincedand the reason I know I wasn't convinced is 'cause. If I was convincedthat God would do anything for me and he was in my life, I would never haveto worry again and my whole life for the first fifteen years was worryingabout stuff and being anxious about stuff, and I know one thing one of myold ideas. Nobody understands me: Nobody thinks the what I do and I'vebeen doing. Oug anings I've done to enough foss tat, no UNLIK. The reasonwe hang together is 'cause we're like twins and if I felt that you hade feltit and if it was Happeng to me, T was happening to you and that's the bottomline, and that's why this thing works and that's why people listen to peoplewhen they talk when they're at least younhave to be a good talk. All youhave to do is be honest and sincere andles. You learn how to think that HEUgot it made, but the bottom line is is this is the real true alcohol is, andthis is what it says, andtil how to deal? How youjet to that point, we'reall bill. Wilson said when Carwen Gill Doson h the man on the Bak. You knowthat portrant that says came to Weeve Doldarson said he was so yo wasthistletti tate from this two AAs there's the not drinking club whicheighty percent ninety percent of the people in a are in the not drinken clot.You know, as for a on as long s TDEYRE, not drinkind, it's working, which isokay, that's cool and that'll. Never bechanged, I'm not going to change it.Nine percent of people don't even matter as long as they're, not drinking you knowthey, don't want to hear aboutthe God thing. Don'twant on want to go any further. You know the SIXTEF saysthey're settling they're settling they're settling. I know what it is tosettle. Jost settle. You know, O ive got in to the point where I'm settling.I got a nice life. I got a car. I've got a girlfriend, everything's o Dow',just settling and there's another ad there's an a where it has co beingrocte in the Fort Mention of existence, annoin peace and knowing the new FREEDM,not the old freedom of new freedom of Fr never had before. That's anotherthing: that's that's another deal that has to do with a step that separatesthe met or the boys and the mens are one who are convinced and they areputting God te, Seta Piece Their Life and now I' scared you Talki about it.You know why just they're not worried about when you think about Im- and you know when I found out when Iwas twenty five years old. They can't fire me from me. I can say anything Ital that I can say anything I want to say, and the only thing that'llhappenis somebody will roll their eyes and what, if I don't feer where they rollstheir eyes I'll disturb somebody, and you want to know what that means. Atemeans whenever you have trrd o what the cause there's something wrong with youand they're going to have to figure that out cause it's not going to botherme 'cause. I know what this progrm is allthat I'd rabed the Bux. I read ot Te Bob, the G old tims. I know betweennnine, hteen, N thirt, five ND, nine teen, thirty nine books. They foundescential, absolutely escentral our first qintas thirteen Sero M in thebooJames. I know that you couldn't get an nameinless. You got tdown on Nees andgave your life to God. You couldn't even get into an aiming when she didthat stuff. I know what this thing was all about. I know what Doctor Bob wasall about. I know what Guwolson was all Abaut when he turned to Gil Dack, andhe said the Lord has been so wonderful to me, furme as stouble disease bag. Ikeep talking about Im telling other people. I know what dtor Bob Thinks ofthat aceous and gnostics an saiy if youre an Ateis, argnostic or some sortof intellectual pride which keeps Yure from this. I feel sorry for you, yourheavenly body. Will Never Your heavenly father will never let you down. Iunderstand what aanges all about. I get. Ok, that's the deal! THAT'S WHYT! ITalk Abot. I talk about because you know something. I'm more concerned thatsomebody's going to die out there 'cause. They never hear the messageobolcals anonymous than whether or not you like me, I'm willing to have youhate me and walk away and say that Guy Rulsolis really apiece o prowl, howCald Ho say t Hawni. Rather I I would rather have you pate me and walk awayfrom here and say at least I told my truth and I idnt back own, because Iwas more worried about what people thought about me, which is, quitefrankly, a real disease. I had the GEE. What do they think about me disease? Idon't walk away. I don't ave anything on the table. I don't walk away fromthese meatings Saint G. I wish I had told him this. I dont back off from this CRA. You knowwhat I mean. This is a life or Dhat thing as far as I'm concerned, so neversay to anybody at AA. Well, I never heard that shit. Nobody ever said thatstuff, even though you say O Yousulf right now, gee they don't have stuff inthe AMEES I gow to. Of course they don't talk about it. They're scared totalk about IM, 'cause everybody in ate today thinks somehow somehow in a bookwhere they said Gody the ITER isn't. There is one o us well power that anhats God, men Yo, find Hem ow. Somehow it's gone around a that's a bad thingto talk about God. Somehow that's happened. I don't knowhow that's happened, but I'll tell you...

...it's not going to happen on my watch.So here's what it says. Here's the last thing and then I didn't know what timeto o ase I lways go or ound Te Conuler,yeill onme read this one thing because I will say this: No, I cul be wrongabout this. I CA wrong. I think I'm out to GE to say that I'm thinking you know it says you have to be palased.The first of his powase overla alcohol and your life is unmanageable right. Here's what I'm thinking I think it has more to with umagibility.You know the more I think about it. I think the more I think about the more.I think it's about consequences, the more I think its BACD. You couldget drunk a million times. You can co, you can get trunk and have all sort ofcrap happen to you. It seems to me that Woild, an I dont, tell you some. I work withhundreds of alholics spons or a lot of guys. It seems to me that the men thatreally seem to make it and the women iaagent suffer serious consequences. There's there's something aboutconsequences. You know, I guess when you're, when you're defiant and youthink you're smarter than anybody else and you're arrogant like I was andyou'd think you know everything I guess there's something about beingcrushed beyond recognition and being scared that causes you to somehow stop talkingand shut the fuck up and follow directions. You know, I think I think this has someow. I think this has to do some guy. I know somebody take thistanlike. I remember one guy and a big meeting. He stiod. He asked me question.He said I keep on relapsing. I keep onrelapsand. I have three years O lelapsed. I have four years I relapsed.I have five years I've relapsed and now I now have ninety days and I just won'tget down ton. My knees. Do you think I have a problem? Do you think, that's aproblem, and I said you want me to tell you whether I I Aidyai, I think it's aproblem. I think it's a problem. I said you know we have this thing calledalcohol, thank God for alcohol and in every every year alcohol comes through alcohols,sanonymous sort of like a plague and wipes out all the horseship itwhites are all the excuses it wipes out. Altho bullshit young see what I'msaying. If we didn't have alcohol, God only knows what Aa would look like it,just sort of purifies the whole deal, and so do I think it has a Promi a youknow. Sometimes you just have to get the point where you shut the hell upand do what you told you know how hard it is to get analcohol to shut the hell up and just do what you're told and say I'm notinterested. In your opinion, I don't care what you think you know wha. Icame in here limitae, my my spotter said here''s, the twenty four hour AbokI want to get on these every day. Ask God's help to stay sover and join agroup. I don't ever remember Yim asking me whether I believe in God I don'teven remember the discussion and I ended up doing it anyway. So here' SaiDeal heare's what it says 'cause I wantto I'm going to talk forthree minutes about the first step, Pang. Seventy two. In order to talkabout the first step, I'm going to talk about Te, whold tefinng thing in thefirst step, I'm going to start up the Seton step. So here we go here's the seven step whichtalks about the first step and if you understand the seven step, you'llunderstand the first it's so like back around. But for us the gaining of a newperspective was unbelievably painful, not just painful unbelievably painful. It was only by repeated humiliations,which I believe as a wordsmith and his a lawyer means more than one time Rep. that's because we have to haverepeat humilations more than one time, because we are so frick and brilliant, repeated humiliations that we wereforced to learn something about humility, apparently repeated umiliations over aperiod of years. That are unbelievably painful, helps with the humility thing.Apparently, somehow we can think our way into humility. It just helps tolose a job. Lose a white, lose a limb, lose all your Mo. It just helps in thatregard, W we were forced to lern Somebo, O nol.It was only at the end of a long road, long road, martiply, a successive defeats andhumiliations. It's part of the process don't complain when you' having thecrap knocked on at you. This is good for you. This is good for you. This ishelpful for you,...

...this'll Keip, you, an agg this'll, keepyou on your knees and the final crushing of our sollsufficiency that doesn't sound pretty. Does it that we began to feel humility ofsomething more than a condition of rowbing despair. Every newcomer andalcohol noms told, and soon realizes for himself that his humble admissionof powerlessness over alholl is his first step, tor obliteration from its paralyzinggrip. So apparently it has something to dowith really geing Ri Gon. I hope you've been crushed in up. I can tell you this:I'm inder prontness, if you haven't been crushed enough stay tuned. Staying too I'm going to tell you onelast story: Never going to go. I don't know it. Just can't go y mine, I thinklor wants met. Tell you I was on relay for eight years between, on Fridaynights from eight o'clock at night I mean from eleven o'clock at night tilllate o'clock next morning, if you called Tebout Hal Anoas, you got totalk to me. You understand what I saying, which is probably why for eightyears thoug but can dot Hopsan it's okay, but that's besides the point so one night and around two in the morningI get a call and it's from a young lady. You knowsound like she was in her forties and she told me this story and got hopshe's. Okay. Now she said she said I have APP. You know she called me op analcohols on the hot line. Nd she said. Listen, I have been sover for a year, I'M A P, I'm a nurseOnm a phdnders and I have a little girl an a and I don't want Ta drink and, andI had a drink today and I could lose everything I can lose my little girl. I could lose my job. I could lose everything if I drink andI need and not rink and I need. Can you help me? I don't want a drink, he says, butthere's only one thing. I want you to know, and I said what's that he says Idon't want you to talk to me about alcoholics anonymous and I said well. We have two problems said yet. I said I got two problemswith that THI SAS wat one of the problems she said, I said well numberone. I Say I'm sober three years, three or four years. However many years itwas- and I said, and the only way I got sober is through alcoholis synonymous. So I don't know what plan B is. Even Idon't know what plan bes. You know what I mean. All I know was outbhots anoes esaid ocanunderstand that what's the second problem I said well, the secondproblem is you called Alcohol asynonymous Miss PhD and nursing. You know so let me Tay Somewhan you deal withoutbots. This is not well peoples aanas! I R ot necesarily deal with the B, thebrightest gulls and the planet. You know what case Em. We all knoweverything, don't weat, but that's all we know. That's all we know we just know. Weknow everything, but that's all we go. So. Thank you very much. I got nothingmore on this Tude.

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