AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 43 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Talk 12 – A form of belief without power

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution Group, Barnegat NJ. Recorded September 23, 2020

Thank you very much Hakeeye. Can youhear me I wan to always want to check on that. Can I be heard, or so my name's Rossalem, an alcoholmember of the South Dixi Group H, haven't had found Destaa TrinstinceJanuary twenty fifth nineteen, eighty one and H. I want to share a little one in twelvestep, which me were, which means we're going to talk about the seventh step. Other stuff, I a I'm, I'm dangerous. Sometimes I knowI'm dangerous. Sometimes I uh I'll probably put somebody off, but I'mgoing to do it anyway. I'm just going to do hell's bells full Steama et O. No,I'm just going to do it. So I I I just star to talk about what I believe theLord puts on my heart and try to dixplay things to you, and you know mymy really. My cheeth goal is to maybe bring something to your attention thatI've learned over the last almost forty years. Now that maybe Ou won't hear anyother aays ever you know what can I tell them that they're never going tohear any other AG meanever and I Sai? Well, I have to tell Hem something anever been to hear f any other aining ever that I learn that I learned andbecame evident to me. First of all, if I learned somebody in ever after fortyyears, if I learned something and I decided not to share it with them,would that be right? I said O haven be bright. you know ti right so, but butif I'm gongto share something with you that IV learned over the last four years, Idon't think it's maybe a revelation for me. I think maybe the reason in OyourDay needs is 'cause. People were scared to share it. Maybe people are scared toshare it. Do you think it's possible that in Aa there are some? There arespeakers or people who speak at eimings that have certain feelings best stuffthat they're scared to share? Do you think that's possible? I thinkit's possible. I think it's possible that people sort of like secand guessthemselves, and should I say this, should I not say this, but I'm seventyone years old and I don't believe they can fire me from ey and I have no life.You know my life is my grandkids they're God and I have no life. My lifeis over, and so the only pleasure I have is by getting other alohols nervous. You know,and and that's the only fun I could possibly have in my life is twening. Henewcomers newcoers would be people in the under thirty years and H and h. So that's now my sponsored justtier, I said: Do you get resentance, he said get em, I give hem, you know sotrying to do the best. I cayou know what I found that some of the bestmeanings that I remember Aur meanings. Where guys pissed me off cause. Theytold me something that I didn't want to think about. They told me somedight andWAN o Bleev. They told me something that soundod crazy and I couldn't getit out of my mind and those are the guys thaid. I remember that's the stuffI remember so I'm going to start off on the TWALFstep by reading something from the Semin step and I'm Sorto unpack it. I'm sort of like expose it itd be expositional, I'm going to takeup a paragraph at out of the Sevenh step, I'm sort of ripping apart for Yo and H, and I'm going to read it acouple of times. I'm read at one time see whether you think you unnderstandit. You may think you understand it, but and then I'm going to read it againand then I'm going to read something from scripture because, as you all know,Ben Housand, nine hutdred and threty Fi, one housand, nine hundred andthirtynine the books. They found actually essential when first went tet,thirteen serva he mouth in the book of James and so when they wrote this, thepeople that actually wrote this were steemed in that deal. That's what theywere doing. So you can believe you...

...notlae. It's just AI's just my opinionthat there's something that you get to see when you have studied the books thatthey were reading: betw Ne Ounine Huteen, a thirty fie t,Ne Housand, nine hundred and thirty nine in this ting that you may not seeif you come at it from another angle, we're just done. That is possibility,which is probably why they encuraged church membership and everything. ButI'm Gongto try to I'm going to try to Unpacke for you and you want owsomething Yo have ir open behind, because the BOOT does say we lose allprejudice even against O, as doesn't it. We begin to see where they might beright. Ye I cun open mine, maybe I'll, maybe you'll walk away from the SanJesus. I never liked in that way, wouldn't that be great yoeer ever comeaway from anything Sais man, I never thought of it. That way, that'd bepretty cool right new thought. You say some that has depte Awai sole, readyour something by the way. The reason I'm doing this on the twall step isbecause thet has something to do with God. Well, here's a secret all thesteps have something to do with Dod. God is like a big deal in theliterature of outfalse Nos, not a big deal in the fellowship about box anonus.It is a big deal in the literature about a soms on basic text, not a bigdeal in the fellowship ofoutfauksion on this, and that's what you have tounderstand. Unless you get to the age of seven oneand your life is over so lot the HECD. You know what I mean so here we go soon Aridisti. This is on age, seventy two of the twelve and twelve and theseven step which has to do with humility and humbly and has some dowith humbly and asking God removehe enfective character, which hassomething to do with coming to the point in your life, where you want todo total surrender to God and Mak Hem the cential fact of your life, becauseyou come to the point where you're entirely ready to have God o move allyour defects of character. So you may draw in the image and lightness of yourCreator, and at that point I guess, if you do that well enough over period oftime, you really get to the point where you really don't Democrat, what peoplethink about you when you're talking about God and about that time, when youdon't really gear hem crap about what people think about o. When you talkabout God, even if they don't like it Abins, I guess that's the point whereit starts making sense when they say Rononu basis, the basis of trustingEline upon God, because you are trusting in line upon God, and I guessthat's when it starts making sense when they say we never apologize for God, wenereapologize forgot wea, all men of Tak hade courage, wenever apologized for no, we let him demonstrate in our lives. What he'sdoing for us. You know- and I guess all that stuff- that sort of figureinmaking sense, because it's not osit's only something we read if's, somethingwe actually practise in our lives, we're not ashamed of believing a dog.We are not ashamed at. We don't apologize Fort. You know we become freefree of the worry about what even a people think about ye in Alpolst,ynonymous 'cause. We know we no longer need them to love us or accept us tofeel like these human beings. Wow that'd be like something Thai'd be likealmost Rocketin thefort dimension of existence or someefool deal solen meread this tea. Okay, it is on page seventy two, this lack of anthrage, this lack of anchorage to any permanentvalues. This blindness to the true purpose of our lives produces another bad result. This lackof anchorage to any prthey're talking about us by the Theye, talk about youand they there's on at sober alcoholics.

Do you think, listen. Let me suggestsomething to Yom, just to pish off. OKAY DO Y! Do you think that there arepeople in alcohol inonus today that don't have any relationship we go? You think that's possible that theirpeopleave donever. Do you think lizis Du thing that it's possible that thereare people in Alpots, honest, an EO are not atheous who say they believe in God,and maybe they do believe in God and they hold hands and they say to Lordspern: they go through all the motions. You know what you're allowed to do.You're allowed to take it, I'm not putting that down. I did you'Llov tothank it fore you make it bout. You believe that thereare Beole n Nad thatgo through all the motions say all the suff say the Lin God and yet have norelationship with you. Think. That's a do. You think it's possible to thinkyou believe in God and San Blave in God, and do all the motions that you believein God and talk about God d, But actually have no serious relationship with God d. Youthink that's possibl on't! You jus think about that. For a second, I thinkit's possible. I think it's probable. I think it's probleble that ninety percent of he peole N A have. No real relationship have goe. I think that'swhat they're talking Abou in this paggrap. What it's like to believe inGod and yet have no relationship with go, not the CONDOF relationship wherehes the cente piece of your life, Rin, the sefralfact, your life, and I think, there's a reason whythey're talking about it, the seventh step, the step that set to the stepspartof the steps that separate the men from the boys, the people that say theyleaving God and the people that put the pedalt an metal and and submitthemselves and surrender their lives Togo. I think, there's a difference inquality and what you get out of it. Let me keep on reading this lack op,hankorage study, PERMATIV values as blindest. The true purpose of our livesproduces another bad result for just so long as we were convinced that we can live exclusively by our ownindividual strength and intelligence. For that, just that Ong was a workingfaith in a higher power im possible. Let me read that again. Let me read that Agin for just so longas we were convinced that we could livd exclusively by our own individualstrength and intelligence, but just that Lan was a working faite in higherpower, God inpossible impossible. You know impossible. So letme ask some: Do you think there are people and they a today that live theirlives based upon basically sort of maagingtheir lives in their on intelligene? Do you think there are peoplein a thatgo through their day to day lives, living their lives based upon their own thoughts and their ownintelligence and their own feelings? Ye like do the next right thing. You knowgood oily direction or just tin. You know just be nice and try and do thingsthat they think is h the thing to just marriage. You think,that's possible, don't you know tmaybe, it's not onlypossible. Maybe it's almost natural, maybe it's like an actual thing. Tetthis desire to want to run your own life. You know not surrender, you know. Just you comedaye and now you know a lot of rules and ou' ve done a lot of steps andhavelittle insid into yourself. So now you can really manage well. I can really do a good job. You know anless a this. This gets Ma for just solong as Yo were convinced that we could live exclusively by our own individualstrength and intelligence. For just...

...that long was a working faith in a hirdtown pospil. This is ero o. This was true even when we believed that Godexisted. This was true even when we believed that God existed OAS.Everything e Just said about a working faith, in God, a relationship with God.You can't have it it's imposstble, and this can happen to you in Aa, even whenyou believe God existed, hat's a scary thin. I mean I understand why I just pliceAtheus, but I mean really, even if you believe thot existing, we couldactually have earnest religious beliets, which remained barren Baren, because we were still trying to playGod ourselves still trying to manage roabl as long as we place self reliance.First, a genuine relies upon a higher power was out of the question that basic ingredient of Olume, allhumility, a desire to seek and do God's Will God's will was missing. The basic ingredent of all humility, adesire to seek and do God's will was missing- want to read that. Remember that dealso now. I want to read your something from: U H, just for laphs and ginglesfrom Second Corinthians. This has written two thousand years ago by theampossile hall. This is from second thretans. Is he a possicall talking toTimothy and trying to teach them some things and talking about what's goingto happen down the road? What's going to happen down the road thousands of years now or maybe a fewyears now? This is what the possible says is going to happen. He cautionsTimothy Othat. He says this but understand thisdenithan in the last days, terrible times will come, for men will be loversof themselves: Lovers of money, boastful arrogant, abusive disobedienceto their parents. UNGRATEFUL UNHOLY UNLOVING unforgiving slandrous withoutself control, brutal without love of good traitorous, reckless concededlovers of pleasure, rather than lovers of God having a form of godliness butdenying its power turn away from such as theede. Do you think it's possible to how they to be involved in afellowship that has a form of godliness, a form of godliness, but without power? Do you think it's possible to go to ana eigty to have as a form of power, but really has no pou? Do you think it's possible to do aprogram of recoperying, a a that looks like it has some sort of form of power,but actually has no help. Think that's possible. I don't know. Idon't know that paragraph in number. Seven things seems to say that you canactually be an individual, ind outhals anonymous and you could go through allthe steps and go through everything and still lack the power and still not berocket in the fourth dimensionon existence. You know you, you could do it this waysay I'm going to be Rockinto, the fourth mechol resistence. This is howI'm going to do it. I'Moto do the perfect first,...

I'm gong to do the perfect second stuff,I'm nt the perfect third step in the perfect forestep. I'm really going todo the fourstep perfectly this for the eighteenth and this time when Icome in, I'm Goin to be the perfectess tep with ha perfect guy, and then I'm going to do the perfectsix steps and undo the perpect dates of the perfect Ninestep, and then I'mgoing to do the text step perfectly and im going to do a perfect elevenstep. You Knoanta do all that stuff. You know you think it's possible to do thesesteps over and over again all over the place and still not have a relationship withGi. You know maybe maybe sort of like thethinking gos like this. I I'm doing great because of what I'mdoing, not what I'm believing does this have to do with Buli I meanwe have a chat as intoaction, obviously some accents necessary, but how much ofthis has to do with believing? How much does this aseget ou? You knowy Sasin Te in ters a solution. It says the great fact is best and nothing less.I s the great fact that God has become the central fact of our lives and we are absolutely convinced that helives in our hearts and minds which is infence in away which is miraculous. Heis doing for us what we can't do for ourselves. There is one whoas all powerthat one is God you can manage your life. No person can help you only God couldand what, if Yo versaw it, we must get rid of the selshness. We must, if itkills US Lord kills. US God will make that possible seed with thatrelationship with him is right and greater great evests will come for youand countless others. You may not know us God in the Te Neck 'cause youreverlins has to be on on him. He will even show you how to create the Fale.You prave, you think it's possible for people tothink that they can learn themselves into a regelationship with dod or youknow, sort of forestepped themselves into a regulation. There's all thatstuff that I just read have to do with work in a perfect force that work in aPerfefista or doesn't have to does have to do with some sort of thing calledbelief and faith. What? If what, if you get through allthose tebts and go to all the meetings- and you find yourself in your twentyfive years- Soer then you're still without without faith. What, if you're sil without fan, what, if you'R, still without faith anddot? What id all that stuff mean? Maybe itneeds you stay sober, but what does it mean to have twenty five years, OThirty Years Sobriety or twenty years sobriety or ten years tobriety? And youdid all the steps, but your face is batter because you still live Alife wirhyourself reliant. What does that mean? What is I mean notto surrender to God? Why does this Atin do with the tws? Hey, maybe a doesn't.They were just having some funwer burn some time. So here's what the big book says. You know in the twelve antel hats whatit says it says it says we have to get rid of this selfishness. We must orkills us and says that God makes that possible and then right after that, right afterit says, God makes that posibland says once you make this decision for God,which I got to be honest with Yo, I'm not so sure. They're talk about thethird step decision. I mean everybody. Does that third stepdecision. I think the decision they're talkingabout, for God is a little bit deeper than that, once you make that decision,for God serious decision for God that...

...six step decision for God that totalsurrender forgot. Let me ask you some, you know they ask he welso. What do you thinkabout a person who doesn't traik doesn't drink but doesn't go to Meeti?He said I have no use for him because he has no gravity see when Gowelsa wasn't all the drinkenthing was the drinken thing it was. It was the hard thing it's what was in theheart. You know what I mean. He said the Lord has been so Wuntliful to me,turn me and his double disease that I got to keep talking about Hem andtelling other people it was all about what was going on in your heart 'cause,the Lord 'cause, God looks at a heart. He doesn't look to the appearance. Helooks to your heart, whit's, really, a motivation. What's going on so the big Bok says this. It says onceyou make this decision, for God, all sorts of remarkable things happen. Remarkable things happen. You know, youknow, I remarkable things. If remarkable miracles aren't happy foryou, maybe you haven't baked the decision yet, then you just have a bake. He decision.So let me ask you this: Do you think that if you make adecision, for God the way they're talking about they mad a decision forGod, you think if they surrendered to Godand it's more than just saying I believe in Gob, but it's actually it'sactually you're, not self relying you're totally God relying do you think a person like that worriesabout what other people think about hem in a meeting. If he talks about God, do you think a person who's made thatdecision the kind of deep decision to talk Aboun, the big book, where thecentral fact of your entire life is God you do everything to God, for God,you've surrendered to God, so at's important, you think that personworries about what you think about and if he talks about God nojust, it's just a question. You knowyou just piddle around Withau n your mind but eh. Then it says once a personmakes that decision. Allsoch, O remarkable things happen. It says,being all power powerful. God will give that person everything he needs. How would you like have every singlething you need and know you're going to have everything you meen, notnecessarly, everything you want Ev, you need if that person stays close to God and does his work God's work? Well, that's the whole point, iesn't it to stay close to God and do God's work.Well, isn't it true that we, if we're in a am I go, did I get Thi Strong?Doesn't aa say that everybody in Aa who believes in gone is doing this? Has Anew employer? How many people are employend here? IDov have a job. You know you got a job Hesywell, that's not your job! Ifyou're in AE TAT your earthly job, that's somethingyou do to you know, make some money and you know whatever: That's, not your jobyou're part of a royal criesthood, your job. I hate to tell you this, but you got a new employer. If you I listen,I honestly don't know where fellowship you're in I don't know what fell segure and Idon't know o guys, I'm in alcohol SONANMAS, I'm employed by God, I'm I'm I'm a worker. For God. My wholepoint about being here is to do God's work on the planet that he's made outbefore me, because I am a big Buk idont give a CRO Wut, they say in themeanings. I have a big Buk and the big book says I haven't no employer he'sGod. He wants me to be a matching service to him and other people. I mean you can force yourself to dotwelve at work, which I did in the beginning. You can follow orders toDecellcepwork, which I git in the beginning. You can think it before youmake it. You can do it and get a lot of...

...pleasure out of it. You can do it. Youcan be on relate for eight years or ten years ar on. I was on Relat you cussponsor a zillion people. You can do all you'll get a lot out of it. YoungSTILMER SAING. You might even like it young Sti. What I'm saying might evenlike Tho deal, but here's the deal, but here's the deal. If, if God is Asetapiece in your life and you've turned your life completelyover to God. You won't do that because you feel, like you, have to do it or you're forced to do it or you' Takin.It you'll do it, because, because you C, you can't help, but do it because you have this new employer andhis name is God, and this is why you're on the planet and your whole life isabout trying to spread this thing, te othe people and this you know you're,never going to leave Aa you're, never gointa you're, never going to be one ofthese guys that say yeah but ai, stop on it. Why would you stop on temeetings, the lost sheet they're, all in the meetings they're outside themeetings they're all here? This is what God wants me. Who wants me to be herewith you guys, seing this bullshit. You know what I mean. This is why I was puton the planet to be here with you not to go out to my law office and make afew boxes. This is my whole reason for being alive instead of a dead. RUNK isto be right here right now, telling you this stuff, whether you like it or not.That's my whole deal and I'll feel bad about it, because I got a newemployeris samous God, and I want to please him and I ain't looking theplease you you know so that way. When I leave thismeeting, even if you all hate me, you want ome. I feel great, I feel great, because there's nothingyou can do to hurt. You know what I mean and the onlyperson I'm interested in pleasing is not now. I coald tell you a lot of twelve step stories that you will. Letme tell you something you be Rollin the greatest way to learn about alcoholsthe greatest way to learn about yourself. You know, there's a line in the bigbook talking about Scriptures where Tocnisays, of course, intens of work with alcoholic she's guaranteed sobriveinhis line of big Buk. It says we have to be the good Samatan every day by way.If you want to know what that means, if you really want to know what that means,you're going to have to go to the book alood to the Bible, I'm sorry and youmay think you know what it means you may think- Youre Smart asts. You maythink wine, no goodsman es a good person, not onoesyoure, not unpack thatthereis a lot of stuff, that's acarable by Jesus' story by Jesus, and there arereasons he talks about the guy who's dying and he talks about the priestthat wats fyan Te Lebitemen, Walksmin, Avo, understandable, leev ideas and yetto understand what the pres it, what the priest is and what they did, andyou Gott understand what what what the good Samaridin is not understand. Whata Samarityn is, why e chose a somariten rather than a leave y, the white, an AbCho at and go and y see exactly what he did and how he did it and you non. Hecan', possibly even understand the words good sa Aridan or what that thingwas all about. You just got the most superficial view of what that is Y,just say: Well, the goods Amagin. You don't have a clue as the Wettin makesnot a SLU, not explode. Nobody may has appro unless they've studied and readthe good Somaridan. You know why they used to work good so Maritin when theysay you must be the good smader. They cause that stuff Buk they were reading.When they wrote the Big Book, they knew what they were. Putin nd knew what toodSmana men they knew. What the story was all about. You don't know the story, you knowmaybe five percent of what that whole thing means. You know nothing, and you know why youknow nothing not because of anybody...

...stopping you, because, because you'reclothes minded- and you know nothing about the second step- you justfullshit- you like alcohol- it's always poolship themselves. The think intheire open minded where, if they're really openminded, they would berunning to the Bible. Right now saying I gotto read that sucker and you havesomebody explain it to me, but you know what it is, but you're allself reliant. Why should you do that? After all, you're, not trinking, you'have to learn anymore, you know or any of that stuff, and besides this GuyRustlin, you have to put up with me for nother thirdy minutes and I'm gone.Then you go back to your regular AA and ams forms of forms of godiness withoutpower. You can do that stuff, hey a kindly act once in a while is 'n enoug.You know why. I know that Tisin, the gree Panten SAS a conty a wasn't awhile, while I as it enough I'm always Lotaton I drie with with dollar bills,stuck on my dash for it. I full up t I'm always giving money to people onthe street, but you know itsays, I ays ECOMYACT, imuwals nough. You know whatI mean I got. I gotto have my tonue from jangle every night I' got to geton these meetings and do this I gotto do this stuff. This is my life. So the problem with me is this, andthis is, I don't really think it's a problem, but I wish I a problem this mydeal, ind. How I do these sets I used to what happens is if, if you really focus on this Teel,the way o focusing and believe me, I'm so far from mark on Y- I'm not evenclose. What happens? Is it changes you? The book changes you, the Bible, Changes. God changes you and you change and as you change, youlook at things differently through the repeated uniliationsthrough the crushing of yourself sufficiency. You look at thingsdifferently. This talk whan, I'm Talkingwhat, I'm doing right now I wasdoing Youan. I listen. I oppeen doing steps series ever since I was five orsix years. SOER! Listen! I! I would never have done thismeeting this way at twenty years. O'r twenty five years. You know- and you know I mean one Tan- somethingthere's nothing wrong with do it in Anay. You want to do it. I I well telling AA stories about people,I've sponsored or how I was sponsored. A lot of them are very funny. I got tobe honest with you. You'll learn a lot about your disease by sponsoring peopleby by the way, the best way to learn how tosponsor people is. The puse isthe sponsor practice on Hem. You can't hurt 'em, you can't hurt in alcoholimpossible after the Thermanica war, there's only two things living on theplanet, hockroaches and alcoholics. Trust me: Wear Alcoholics, othe peoplethat get into head on collisions and kill families Ahore and they sort ofwobble away with like a brute. You know what I mean we can not be killed out.HALKS cannot be killed, we'll kill ourselves, we'll drink ourself to death,but we CA. Don't worry, cratch us on alcohols, you know, go in there, don'tworry bout and tell hem anything tell hem to go drink whatever he can't hurtHem. You know what I mean just you know just going Todo practice on alcohols.They. You will learn things about this disease that'll blow your mind andyou'l learn things about yourself. You'll get to the point where you'llthey'll break your heart. You'll worry about 'em you'll get all todependent,you know, they'll use you they'll abuse, youthey'll say stupid things. It's the greatest you'll have the greatest inyour life. You'll learn so much about this disease. Just listening to Hem. Ohthe excuse that you'll hear o the stuff you'l hear you R, no so great, it's somuch fun like when I got that call from cabin. I love. I Love Cavin one of myfirst sponces. I love Tavin, I loved...

Hem, you know, and he was just at sucha great guy and- and he called me up because he had like about four or fiveor six months and some Gowho had about three years captured him and he wasliving with her an her home and the lovely anty and and h. He called me up one night and hesaid he said Rustll. He said last nightAnnie. While I was trying to go to sleep, tryto stab me with scissors. In my back and I said Kevin, I said when a woman tries to stand youwith shears when you're sleeping, that's God's way of telling you it'stime to leave and Kevin said to me those famous wordsthat I've heard from almost everybody I've sponsored. He said. No, you don't understand and then cabin who ad five or sixmonths of and was very intelligint startend explaining to me why I didn'tunderstand he started talking about love whostarted talking about commitment. He started talking about giving peoplesecond chances. He started talking about having compassion for people whostarted talking about loyalty who started talking about forgiveness. Westart telling about all the things you talk about a and I started thinking tomyself. Maybe there's something wrong with me: maybe there's Baybe I eat'll, maybejuck the dot der. You know by the way. That's what gets people into Alinor, bevery, very careful about that. You know you start biding that sometoing muchheen up ut n Amout, which you believe he is a fate worse than Dath. You know,I mean Y, U get rid of the convency right here in AA, and so I said, okbecause he had convinced me that whatever- and you know three days later- he wasthrong and then about four months later. Hethoughts he got sober again. He was locked up actually in Tampa and he waslocked up for about three or four months and- and I went over there withmy wife for open tap for someone else, weere going to meet him for dinner andhe had moved out of the decenter that he was locked up there, Hea Goen,released and by the court, and he had moved up moved in with a gown named. UThen, then aftert her name. It was like Joyce or something like that because hehad met her in heintreatment. You know because it was, it was a match made inheaven because they had something in common, their sickness. They hadsomething in common their sickness. You know it's sort of like if you have twobad drivers and you put im together all state 'nll charge, you actually lessmoney 'cause, they have something in comp. You know and the ods of themgetting an accentor or less. So he was theludoajoice and he want me to meetmeat joys and the truth of the matter is they had actually ticke them out ofthe treutement center because he start a romance in relationship with Joiceand and we were supposed to Meete imant, Bern Steak House and and went in an in where was in Tampa and we went to steakAsi. He wasn't there. Finally, hi called them up said Cevin. Where areyou and he said Russell? You won't believe this. I I said what Heaven I said. He says it'schoice and SA Whit e says Joyce. He says she's she's on the balcony andshe's got a butcher, Knigfe and she's nude and she's screaming at me, and I said, and she's got a bottle inher other hand, and I said Tenin what his joy doing on a balcony with abutcher knife node with a bottle in her hand drawn screaming. What is shescreaming at you? He says she's screaming, leave,...

...leave, and so I say Kevin, listen, Olistenigain! Very! Would you listen what you need to do as you need to leave and Kevin said to me. The fall he said you can make thes shit up. He saidRussell, you don't understand. He said what about Loyalton, what about love, what about giving people? SecondChances? What about commitment? What about thinking of other peoplerather than myself? What if she commits Suisod? What about? I said: What is shedoing now she says she keeps on screaming to me. Leave I said Kevin youneed to Lea. He said you don't understand and, of course, Kavinstarted drinking and he got arrested again now. Let me ask you something: How can how why would you want to missout on stuff like that? You understand what I'm saying. Why would you I can't even imagine what why why whydi you go to the movies, why would you want to spend money going to movieswhen you could just call up Kevin? Ask him how he's doing you know what Imean ill leave a message: afterthe Tom! Ok,I mean why would you want to do that when, when you could just sponsor acabin and ive go, I don't know how many men asponsored three four five, sixhundred men, you know and every one of 'em has their own story. It's like asoap opera. It's unbelievable! I coul give you stories. CUD Say I kaptly, butyou can make this shit up. You can make it up what they come up with, and everystory is not only about them. It's about me. It tells me about me Hopeofind out more about myself O. I guess what this is really crazy. Some of themactually make it some of em actually manton it such agrade and such a great deal the joy of passing this Bill Wilson. I get luck. Iwhen Bildelson says the Lord has been so wonderful to me. True Nme, O thisdoubleseason. I got to keep talking about and telling other people and hegave all credit to God and that's the Golden Testina. I I unders. I get thatbecause I live th. I understand what Bilbleson SAUC to me. The Big Bolt isjust not words in the book. It's my life. You know, I feel you. I wouldwalk up the Billbo side, ain o Os Ofteni. Now I feel Youre Talkin aboutme. I feel I the same way you know, and so, when I think of the Twelveh stepand the joy of living, which is the FEMA, the joy of living, which is thetheme of the Twell step, I can't even imagine why somebody would be involvedin this, give their lives to God and surrenderand make him AU new employer and then not do this stu and then not do this or be forced to dothis, though, but you know whan, that would happened. That would happen. Ithink when you haven't really given your life to God, I think that would happen when youreally don't have a relationship with go. I think that would happen when justsuperficially take a straping Runn, it o all it's anonymous, so I come in.Take it before Thetrea, you make it and then you'r sort of, like you know,you're sort of like uh and t you saw o audition a and thenafter ten or fifteen years, just sort of like rest on e lauals and you knowdecide to run your own life. I think that APPS, the people that are reallythe boys, the people that really don't have any relationship with gone.They just think the arelation ith, God wo. U Tey hold hands during the Lord'sPrayer Wer. They save this ereedy prayer, some sort of bullshit like that,and they actually think they have something olvor themselves. But you seedeep down inside in Orver, empty andmiserable. That's that's the problem.You See. The problem is no matter what they say. They know they don't got it they're miserable,...

...but that's not condembody. We cost thetruth. O Matter. Is Anybody whos in that position always has theopportunity to make a decision always as the octurity to make adecision right. Nobody, we have a bread Testinaif you're, breathing you've still got a chance, you know, but the BOT line is:let's face H m. When I get to these meetings and I'm talking about thisstuff, the people I'm talking to are sober most of Vareana popsanondes. Mostof them are Worki Most of Peo, with Stol step series or work in the Dansteps. You know and they're trying to figure out and there here we the samean to figure out. What am I doing wrong, or what more can I do or what'shappening? What is the deal? You know what I mean it would be criminal to me not to share what I just shared wit de that's. What this deal is all about.You got to go wherevery Hout to go to get a Fed whanever. You have to fat, hesad so that you have relationship with him. So that's all I have to say that'smy ideal and I'm sticking to it and that's thedeal Becky we're becking becky leave in herethanks res Isaid. Thank you. Thank you.

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