AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 42 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Step 11-The Central Fact Of Your Life

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution Group, NJ

Names, Russell SPAD, I'm an alcohol.Remember the Tixi Group, how re Yo all doing? No, I'm almost embarrassed to admitthis. You know I'm seventy one years old, I'm sort of like borderline sanile.So you know I I I feel I ought to give you a fair warning about that. Just incase you like something, I say you ought to really closely examine it. Canyou all hear me Letme, let me tell you how bad thescinility is with me. I think I would have warned you this. My my son in law,Armanda who's got twenty years who's. An excellent speaker he's sitting herenext to me, he's got three beautiful grandkids by him, they're they're, staying withus for the next couple of days for nx, three or four days, 'causethey're, moving up to Atlanta they've, taking all my grandkids from me h. Inan event my wife is in a state of, I don't know Histeria, but in any meant.U So I said to him 'cause. You know hewants to go to the meet, and I said I have some bad news for you. I say hesaid: What's that I said well, there's something wrong with my my m, my my laptop my surface and I have towear my head set, so you won't be able to attend themeeting with me. You won't be able to send to it. He said you said why not, Isaid because you won't be able to hear anything. 'CAUSE, I'm wearing my headset and he said to me says yeah, but I'll be I'll, be right there I saidyeah but I'l be wearing my headset and he said yes, but I'm going to besitting next to you and I I'm trying to think e, I'm Gongto be sitting next to you I'll, be able to hear what you say. I said all yeah,so I wanted to tell you that, just in caseyou wanted to leave and catch somebody who still has a few marbles left. Youknow and it's s so embarrassing old age, it'snot for Sissis an obut event. What cund I tell you, what was that Lily laughing?You know well in any aused to say that all time well, thank you Il for the! U support. In any event, I m CA. I'm going to talk a little bitabout the elevent. You know I I go to this meeting. I've always had agreat affection, always looked up to old timers. Ever since I came day, I've alwayswanted to hang out with guys with you know thirty, forty years,that kind of thing old, timers and uh fifty years, I I remember going to meetings and I'dbe sitting there. Three four five, whatever theck I had in time and I'd bewaiting for this guy to speak ad, maybe thirtyyears. I wanted to hear what he had to say and before he spoke there'd be somenew guy who would be drawning on for fifteen minutes about some sort ofstuff, and I said I'd say: Give it to Sam give it the same. I want to hear Wit. Sam has to say and and A and I still umI go to Amen's meeting at twelve o'clock every day and it's a greatmeeting. We we used to have about twenty five guys there in about twentyof t'em had over thirty years and H, and now we have about seventy- I guessthe words gotten out and but we still have a large proportion of them thathave like over thirty years and and I I love listening to these guys. Most of them are over seven, eightbetween seventy and ninety. That kind of thing lot of guys. We've got a fewguys there with over fifty years, but you know what I really love. BesidesTha, I love newcomers. I mean I love brand. I love people in their firstyear I mean listen. I like I guess I have to say I, like all alcohoics right.I gotto say that you know, but I really enjoy listening to newcomers veryimportant for me to listen to newcomers and I'll. Tell you why I the only time I really can recall. Ihave certain when I speak or when I'm talking to somebody or I'm trying tothink about...

...my experience. 'cause your experienceis an alcohol is the only thing you got. Your story is the only thing you have our stories disclosed in a general way,what we used to be like what happened? What weare like now all we have is ourtestimony. You know my sponsors to say when a man would experience meets a manwith money. The May, with experience, will walk away with the money and theman wete. The money will have walked away with an experience. So I have these vignetts these storiesthat stand out in my mind, you know when I was one year when I was sixmonths when I was ten years when I was fifteen and twenty years. I have thesestories that sort of remind me of differentbenchmarks. In my life growing up I mean I haven't, found nece Saril have tdrink since January, twenty fifth nineteen, eighty one so come January. If I makeit I'll have forty years which, accordingto AIS officially in old time, I suppose I don't know but an any event.So, but I have these different bineds and stories, like you all, have storiesyou're all developing stories, all the time of people in my life of sponsors.In my life metors of my life itteractions that I can remember, which sort of like remind me where Iwas at five years, RMI, where I wasn't nine years mine, where I was at fifteenyears, Remi where it was the twenty five years, but the truth is- and thisis just my truth- it may not have anything to do with you, but I've foundin alcohol s anonymous that one of the reasons it works is pretty much. If I'mthinking this somebody else is thinking it. One of the one of the truths I'vediscovered is that I have a very. I have a it's almostimpossible for me to try to think of how I felt at three years for how Ifelt that one year, it's very hard for me to get into atime machine. I mean I am the way I am right now I mean I I'm different. I'veH, I've changed, I'm sorry, they they say in t in in t. In the big book itsays, DCR YOUNG SAYS I. It says there has to be a profound personality, change, a psychic change.So I suppose, if this psychic change takes place over a lifetime, if youhappen to have been doing this six step in the seven step and the Sixh step isI I believe what what it talks about is wanting to get so close to God that youdesire perfection, not that we ever get it. I mean you know, I'm sill a center, I still screw up,but it's gotten a little bit better, I'm not sinless! I just sin less. ISu'pose I restrain tha tongue and pen, which is helpful because you don't haveto make so many amends and H, but any vent. I you know that process where we'grow in the image an like this of our creator. This is my turn of terminology.This is in some sort of original idea, I' all this stuff. I stole from the bigbook, it's all about the big book and Reanthe Big Book and the original documents and the documents thatd. It was basedon which first wentthe in thirteen Surmon oe ount of the book of change.It's all about reading those Lo documents over and over and over again and trying to apply to your life overand over and over again trying to become that deal over andover and over again running into old timers wanting what they had and beingwilling to go to anyway, to get it because the man you'll be in five tenfifteen twenty years will pretty much depend upon who you hang out with thebooks you read and the books you read pretty much depends on who you hang outwith so, and this is a process that take place over a period of a lifetime when you're trying to grow in the imageand like this, your Creator and and so because of that one would think one would think, is if you're workingthis thing you're going to change,...

I'm not the individual. I was when I was M three months over three days: Oberfifteen years over I'm not even the person I was when I was thirty ears.Sober there's been a lot of changes. A lot of stuff happen to see as you growolder. I think it's good stuff. You know your body starts giving out. Youknow I've had cancer twice, but I I I actually Likin that I know you findthis hard to believe as actually good things. You know the Bible says talksabout the thorn and the flesh, and one of the spiritual truths, apparently is,is that when you're weak God is strong when you're re, weak, you're strong inGod and and my my only salvation really is to make h h my creative, the central fact of mylife as a matter of fact, it says in the book it says if you want to berocketd in the fortomentium ex axistence, and you want to experienceonch of Heaven. That says the great fact is this and nothing less tha God'sgot to become the sential fact of your life. yeter either is or he is in whatyour decision going to be half measure to Vellos. Nothing, not a zero. Keepyou sober for a few years, maybe a few decades, but the bomb line is. If youwant to get that rocket shipwide. You know. If you want to fget thatequanimity that they talk about, you have to make God th Secha fact of yourlife and you have to be convinced not maybe or prossibly, be convinced thathe lives in your hearts and mind and Wai. That is indeed miraculous thathe'll do for you. What you can't do for yourself. I mean I remember taking whenI was a couple of months owere taking the third step, and I guess I took hit because I wanted toplease my sponsor and I didn't want to drink, and you know I was somewhatserious about the program, so I went ahead and did it I locked myself frommy bathroom and I and I said the third step prayer and then I got up you knowand wouldn't want anybody walking in on me. You know talk about not talkingabout God. You know forget about that. That wasn't happening and h. You know Iwas ashamed of God right. It says we do not. We never apologize for God. Wenever apologize for God. We trust our gon, all men of faith, trust their Godt. You know th, all men of faith have courage, they trust their God. They lethim demonstrate their lives, what he can do for them. They are convinced,but I wasn't convinced after I took the third step. I man, if you've taken thethird step and you're not convinced Ta join the club. You know convinced Iconvinced just because you get dam in your knees, and I mean this is like aspiritual, kindergarten, thits thi, kindergarten stuff. You know this isjust this is just taking the first step to opening yourself up to possibly livein your life. Based upon things, you don't see insead of material things, so here's the deal. What happens to me,though, is even though I I can't put myself really in a position well. Thisis how I felt when I had three months this, how I felt when I had ten years.What happens to me is if I'm, in a meeting where there's a newcomer andthe newcomer starts talking about what he's going through whether he'd haveyou know three weeks or three months or five years, and I listen, and this happens to meall the time when there's newcomes and I listen to a newcomer, expressesfeelings and his story, man. All of a sudden, I flip back, andI say to myself man. I know exactly what this guy is going through. I wentthrough the same exact thing. I remember when I felt that way. Man When I, when I hear somebody sayman, I've had a bad week. You know I'm going nuts worrying about this worryingabout that. Oh Man, I believe than that way that, U, that used to be my lifebad weeks, bad years and all that sort of stuff, so I Wanta, I want Ta cautionor at least tell every newcomer anybody here who has this thing going on? Please share atmeetings. Please share it, meedings...

...because it really. I can tell you thisI', I'm one guy that's been around for a while. It really helps me out bigtime to listen to people talk who you knowwho are are starting off on this thing: remindse o where I was, and what thisdisease is all about and where and the gifts that God has given to me BillWilson says an ALCOHOC anontis number three. The Lord has been so wonderfulto me. Turn me of this treble disease than I gotto keep talking about it andtelling other people so I find in in whenever I I'm talkingabout my life in Aa, because all I have to do is this is my experience,strength and hope it doesn't have to be yours. You don't even have to agreewith it. You know it's only an hour meeting, or so you know it's notGOINGTA kill you there'll be other people with other experiences. The best thing I can maybe do, and thething that's easiest for me to do quite frankly is year. You know where I amright now how I got here and what my deal is. Mydeal is not going to be like your ideal or maybe other people's feel, but atleast at least I'll be authentic. You know, I think I think the greatestthing an alcohol can do is h to give a good meaness to be sincereand authentic. One Guy told me as soon as you can fake that you got it made so,but I'm not going to fake it. You know, because I have to be authentic, youknow and and tell it like it is because otherwise, with my memory, the Sinoliand everything I'll I'll mess it up, I can't I can't do a script. So so here'sTho deal with me. You know I I I lived a life, you know how they say.There's a reason why, in the sixth and seven step there is a reason why, inthe Sixh and seven step, perhaps for the first time they talk aboutmaterialism the first time, maybe they really talkabout materialism? They say something to the effect, and this is based uponmemory. So I get it wrong. It says we don't wanna deprecate materialachievement. We don't want to deprecate material achievement, my entire life,my whole life was about getting stuff having stuff. I include women in stuff.I include cars and stuff. I include other human beans, an include houses. Iinclude everything I can see feel in touch and stuff. I measure who I am andwhat I am based upon the stuff I have the pelf. I have the stuff I havearound me, my entire life. Let me tell you something: I don't know anythingabout God when I was growing up, but I knew this. I knew if I only had thatwoman I'd be okay. If I only had that money I'd be okay, if I only had thathouse I'd be OK, if I only had a boat I'd be Oky, if I only had a newer carI'd, be OK, if my boss always ceame, I I am, and if only a a yes butter and ayou don't understander, and what I didn't understand is that is thedisease that you want to look. You want to seethe disease that is the disease that it's about coveting other people'sthings. It's about. It's about it's about being thirsty for material things.It's about greed! It's about! Thinking that you can fix something! That'swrong with you, which is separating from go separato from God by huggingonto material objects and people. You know it it's a selfishness too,because it has nothing to do with love when you're dealing with people atd hasto do with come here. Sit next to me. Make me feel better. Don't do that?Don't do this con. Let me control you. Do everything the way I want you t doit, so you won't make me feel. Okay, I okay you're doing that. But I'm tiredof you, I'm bored. I need another one.

It's all about selfish self, centeredbehavior, where you only care about yourself and those things that willmake you feel better. It may be heroine, it may be cocaine, it may be a newCORVETT. It may be a new job and may be money. It may be a blond, it may be aredhead, it may be it's all. It may be anything that has to do with vanityvanity van Inte alls vanity. That's from ECCLESIASIS! That's the realproblem, that's the real! It says: INLESS Inan, Alcoholi ECCEPTS isalcoholis and all its consequences Ho Soprio be precarson of true happiness.They'll find none at all. It's all about what Yo focus on it's all aboutsermon on them out, which was one of the books, the books that they saidwere absolutely essential, the books that they were reading for four yearsbefore they wrote the bbig book was Termin on the Mount and says: Do notput your faith on material things that rust, but put your faith on spirit inspiritualspiritual things. This entire program gram is all about doingspiritual exercises, so you turn away from the earth and turn away from thepeople and turn away from the things of this world and focus solely on God, seeto hem you'R resee. What your relationship with him is right andgreat events will come to past you and countless others. There are people inthis thing that want to make it a psychological program. They want tomake it a do. The next right thing program. They want ta o to do make agood, orderly direction program. It's not about any of that stuff. The bottomline is, if you do what, if you get whath this program is really about, youwill do the next right thing. You will have good orderly direction. If that'sthe thing you're shooting for go to watert direction. Well, then, just graba copy that ten commandments and have a good time. You know what I mean and youmay not even drink for thirty years, but you're never going to be rocketin.The Fort Tomentioned rexistence, there's gonn never going to be anincredible psychic Chan, you're not going to get what these guys got. Theseguys were all Aboutd, focusing on God and Folkseeng away from the world, atleast from what I read in the book and what's happened to me and it's not a PR.It's not something you get. Intellectually. My intellect tells me the money works.My antlice tells me the alcohol works, everything works, alcohol Worke, thebest it worked the fastest. I'm an alcohol cause, no woman, no car, noamount of money ever work, just as fast as just a bew drinks. Let me tell yousomething as tough as it is to turn away from the alcohol. Ultimately afterit destroyed me and after I I got to the point where I did a six step on thealcohol, where I became entirely ready to have God or anybody remove thisalcol thing. When I finally did that, then I got to deal with a real bondage,the real bunch ofself. Then I got to deal with the women and the sacks andthe money and the cars yeah right money's, not important. It's right upthere with oxygen. I got to deal with all that stuff and there's only onesolution to any of that stuff. 'cause, the truth, O the matter is no matterhow good you act in this world, no matter how good olly direction you do,no matter what you do to protect yourself from the monsters that are outthere. Life is tough. stronway says life is tough, it's evenworse. If you're stupid, you know- and the bottom line is, is that no matterhow much you protect yourself in this world, you know even billionaires, getcancer and die O manr. How much you protect you, some in the world you'regoing to get a flat tire you're going to get into an accent. There's going tobe. Yes, you may not drink, so you won't get arrested. Te Duy! You may notget get hurt because of as conseences, because of what you do, but there'sgoing to be stuff happening to you. That is going to seem unfair. This is adifficult, difficult world and life is a humbly iexperience and that's how welearn in this deal by repeated humiliations. If im a cruston ofourself sufficiency, that's how we get crushed and crushed and crushed andevery time he get crushed. If you got the right sponsor and you got the rightgroup and you got the right people...

...behind you and you're reading the rightmaterial. Every time you'll get crushed somebody or somethingis going to tellyou that this is actually a good thing, you're exactly where you're supposed tobe they're, going to tell you to prayabout it, they're going to tell you to save this erenity prayer, you're goingto go to a meeting they're Gonn they're Gonta tell you stuff! They're going totell you crazy stuff, you're going to tell him horrible stuff and they'regoing to tell you crazy, stuff, they're, going to tell you that it's going tohave something to do with your character, it's going to bring otcloser to God, they're going to tell you they're gointo tell to you so muchthat if you hang around for ten or fifteen or twenty years, let me Tay Omeyou're, going to acually start believing some of this shit know.That's when you get really serious when you start believing what they'retelling you the crazy stuff they're telling you you know, you know youbetter watch out, because I I got to tell you after twenty thirty years ofthis deal, you'll start getting crazy yourself, you'll start living your lifebelieveing. This thing and I'll tell you where it gets really bad, but itgets really bad is when you start believing and acting upon the crazystuff. They tell you like money's, not important or all this material thing isnot important. Ye relationshp with that GAL is not important when they starttelling you all the crazy stuff. That goes against everything you know I'lltell you when it gets crazy and you start believing it and all of a sudden,your life gets better. That's where the real problem Begis,when you start doing the crazy stuff and think if the crazy stuff and all ofa sudden you Y and all of a sudden you're Rocketin, the fourt domesionresistance and you'R Experienceono much of Eaven, you start getting the feelingthat man, maybe they're, not so crazy. After all, so in Anyven I used to file these menaround. It's very important. You know Alco oneof the things I learn about alcoholsanonymous. Is it's not well?It's not well people sonanamos, I don't know wet you. Have you a anybody? Haveyou ever noticed that alcoholiics are crazy? I mean Ow We'e e've ever noticedthat you know we got some. We got some people with issues in here. You knownot everybody in ouhalks anonymous gets well, not everybody. Nowcalks anonymous iswell IAS, Mara, a little crazy but H, but you know it says you know th thisthere's the separation of the ment for the boys and a lot of this stuff andwhat happens you was going to determine you're going to determine based uponwho you're going to hang around. As a matter of fact, the big book ofbockcoks and Amson e last page t the person says the statement is somethinglike this. It says, but you may say we say we may not know you. The peoplewrote the book, they say of that. We cannot be sure because you're realthat'll be that is up to God, because your real reliance must always be onhim. He's going to show you how to create the fellowship. You crave thefellowship. That's going to save your life, the fellowship! That's going torocket you and the foromention existence, the people that are going to show youthe way and teach you what you need to do: they're Gong to be they're Gonta bethey're, going to be disclosed o Tou by God. That's how they're going to bedisclosed to you by God, and so a great deal of who you hang around, and let metell you something about the consqents of being alcohol. I can tell you onething about alcoholism and Alcoholis. ALCOHOLIITENTA hang around crazy people,alcoholics, one of t e one of the n one of the conseents tof be in alcohol. Ifyou tend to get into relationships with people who are toxic, yeah there's one of the consentsofbalchok is: Is this cod opendency and this this idea that we run into Burnibuildings? We can't seem to break welet. We end up with W and I'll. Tell yousomething you will end up mimicking the person you're you're hanging, you'rehanging out with and and you're n those who are looking to try to get closer toGod, we'll eventually hang out with peoplethat look like the God is the center Cenapezo Heyit's real simple. This isnot rocket scientist the people that want to get closer to God. The peopleare not embarrassed about talking about...

God, the people who want to focus theirlife on God and grow God. They will look for people in the rooms that seemto be focusing their life upon God and are not apologic about it. It's realsimple, you know, you know, it's that's a deal you you are who you hang out with you know,and- and so I was just one of these guys- and I don't know why I I was likeWilson. I suppose he was grateful. He said the Lord was so wonderful to me.Curn me o this te disease to to keep talking. I gotta keep talking about itand helping other people. Bill was very, very grateful for what had happened to him and hegave all credit to God, and I was just one of those people and I was never aGod guy. I was a womanizer. I was a I was. I don't know what it is. Somethinghappened to me when I came in here. You know I just sort of knew that youknow who the hell knows why people stop. I didn't have any idea why I stoppeddrinking. I thought it had someto do with my sponsor something do with thegroup. Some do with a a something to do with something I couldn't understandand luckily for me when I came to, I I'm not sure whetherit was my choice or what happened as I re. As I'm saying, I can't remember mystate of mind too well, but somehow I gravitated, I gravitated towards people who were focused on God.I gravitated to him some people come day and they shy away from those people. Some people come day and they feeluncomfortable with those people. They don't want to hang out with thosepeople. You know because they're scared thatmaybe they'll become something maybe they'll have to give upsomething. Maybe they'll have to give up the fun. You know what I mean. Maybethose people seem a little more serious or stuff like that, but I gravitated towards those people.I wanted what they had so badly. Those are the people I aske to sponsor me andit's funny. When you gravitate towards the people that are focused on God,they always seem to hang out with other people than are focused on God andthat's the group I ran with. I didn't run with a group that was smoking outin the parking lot I ran with. I hung out with the old timers, the guys Werinthere. You know sixties and seventies and eighties, and they were drinkingcoffee and smoking camel cigarettes. You know in a denny's or somethingwhatever it is. Those are the people I out with. They all were F, you know notall of them, but most of Hem were were fat like I am now you know they weren'tout looking for women in a a than were in look at the score. You know theyweren't talking about money or objects or things a lot of 'em read the Bible, a lot ofred books that were sort of like based on the Bible. You know my first sponsor.They gave me sermon on the out byemit Fox. You knowthey weren't, they weren't apologetic about that kind of stuff, and so that's why I was brought up andthat's the way you know the best thing I can. I don't take any credit for anyof this stuff. You know I I love the line. Maybe it has something to do withwhat h one of the lines Jesus says. He said. I know my sheep and they know me. I know my sheep and they know me, youknow the truth is as alcoholics. We tend to like hanging around each otherbecause we have a lot in common. But actually after you come to a an alcohols anonymous, you know you tend to hang around other people that seem to havelot in common with you within alcohols anonymous and those were the men I hungout with. I would go to step. You know like this is the steptars. I wasbrought up on step series. You know they would pick an old timer to give arendition of the steps, and I would run if I heard that Joe Nide was doing astep. You know somewhere in Browd county I'd, get in my car. I'd drive anhour and a half with a bunch of guys we'd go through the entire step serieswith Hem. You know, if I heard ral keep was doing, I stepsers I'd run to seehim do with step sturies. I would run around looking for, I know they say it's principle's, notpersonalities and it is, and we don't...

...put people in pedestals, but we do youknow what I mean this is. This is a personal person. You know as ironshrarpens iron man sharpens man. This has to do with who you hang out with,knowing that everybody has clayfeet even my best sponsor nobody's perfectokay, but I hung out with these men these men dictated where I hung outwith WHO I hung out with, and I wanted I wandered what they hadand I wanted more and I I think my the first ten years of my life wassearching for more for more more peace, more peace of mine, Itell, Ya. First,ten years of my sobriety is, I guess I should call it fleeing from anxiety. Idon't know what you're going through if you're in your first ten years, but Igot to say some. I know what anxiety and worre feels like sober. I know whatit's like to wake up. I know what it's like to do this program, like a monsterto do service, to sponsoring people, to go to a lot of meetings and still wakeup at three o'clock in the morning scared because Syou ran out of money. Iknow what it's like to be sober and work in this program and have fear. Ican can tell you that this is not ne. This was not one of these deals where Icame day Ey and I did the third step and I was never worried again aboutevery anything. This is one of these deals. Where I was doing the steps tosurvive, I was going to Meetis to survive. This is one of these dealswhere life was beating up on me. You know I needed I needed all the sponsorsand all the methors I had and H. I need a I needed all these mentors andI can't I can't think about how many times I'd call up a sponsor a mentortalkg about a problem I had and somehow it always got back to Godor now material things it may it may have been. Maybe they didn't evenmention God, maybe they maybe they would say things like. Why don't youtry to help another alcoholic, but it was always something to do withsomething sil, not material. You know it was always about praying or sayingthis renity prayer, reading, material or stuff like that or maybe doing a aninventory, maybe confessing. You know all sorts of stuff like that. When Iwas about nine years, I'm skippin M, I'M SI'M GOIN TA skip forward because I think the real growth with me happened after around ten or fifteen years, and I'm notsaying you have to waite tune o fifteen years, you're, probably smalter than me,but but it takes a long. I think the first ten years fifteen years inalcohol SANAMAS was my being able to. I don't know how many years probably ttook me fifteen years to realize I had a drinking problem and then anotherthree years to say. I really got to stop this thing and then another yearto stop it. You know what I mean I had to s, but the bottom line is. Is ittook me, ten or fifteen years to actually get a real sense with aflashlight how big this cage? It really was. You know the first n getting outonyou're in Gail in the first place and the truth is I had no clue as to whatalchoholism was really. I had no clue as to what selfishness my selfishnesslooked like okay and I'm not even saying after three years I had to cluethi selfishness because because it gets deeper and deeper and more profound asyou go along, you get to see yourself and how you act, and you know they saymost people, you know their motives are, are mixed motives. You know Virtuis,but also a little selfish, but without question for the first tenor fifteen years working the steps all the time doing ten step forsteps,making the mens going through all the pitfalls, all the repeated humiliations,all the Qesto msel se, all the prain, all the meditation all the meatings Idgo to all the people. I I look up to and I'd asked questions about. Slowly but surely little afhed a little,you don't get this hole thing in one shot y. You don't get sober an an hourlater. You get it all. You don't get...

...sober and yeur one good, a speaking.All of a sudden, you understand it that didn't happen to me. They're talking adecade, Decadean a half you're talking fifteen years, just how a glimpse Oshowinsidious this diseases, how cunning baffling and powerful? That's why it'sone of the biggest jokes in AA is when a guy with three months comes up to meand I've been through it all and he starts talking me and I said Iunderstand, and I tell him someod he says: No, you don't understand. No! No!I actually do understand you don't understand, THAT'S THE PROBLEM! Youdon't understand, you won't understand for another ten years, but I'll do thebest. I can to explain to you what's going on. That's why it's so importantfor New People. That's why I guess the first step is so important becausesometimes when you knew even though you're sure that your sponse doesunderstand, you just got to follow directions anyway. Sometimes that's what blindfaith is allabout following directions when they say seem crazy, but you buy into thefact that you're best thinking on your best Tay Got Gein. Here when I wasabout H, nine or ten years sober. I ran into a guy and h. He H and I don't even know howthis was brought up. It was a guy, I'm not even sure he was in Aa Ismavic. Hewasn't in a he came up to me. E said you know Russ you ought to go to. You want to go to aBible study. No, I'm not going to go into my wholestory because my storyis, you know it's kind, O crazy and I don't want to gooff track, but it so happens tat on December Twenty Fif, nineteen, eighty,I'm a Jewish agan from Greatn New York from December twenty in December,twenty nineteen nd eighty at three o'clock in the morning I'd be depths of my alcoholism. Iturned on T V and some preacher I was at some preacher preach. I thought mylife was over. I was thirty one years old. I got down ton my knees. I saidTho sinis prayer- I invide Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. That's an absolutefact that happened on December twenty TN nineteen. Eighty one month later, Icontinue to drink one month later in a hospital gearney. I looked up theceiling while theywere willing me in after I got into a bad accident drunk-and I said God help me and I had some sort of spiritual experience. I leavethat. That's I'm just telling you that, but after that happens after thathappened an and, of course, I I didn't think at the time. It had any mucheffect on me or even put these things together, but it was after that happenthat I came day. I got my first sponsor and I and I became Um magnetite. I like a magnet, I tended toto look at these men that were travelling a spiritual path. I didn'thang around with guys. tept were looking for girls or go look lookingget late or any of that stuff I was. I was traveling with guys that were on aspiritual, bad and I'm not saying I was spiritual W. I'm not saying I wasn'tcrazy, but at least those were the people that I I wanted H. I wined whatthey had, and so you know D, and so I would readspiritual books and I would read spiritual stuff and I'd be attractd tothose people and around nine years sober some guy came up to mee and I knew I wasn't. I knew I was sober and I'd even startd speaking aroundrooms givin step series, asponsor Ppole, but I knew I knew I knew there wassomething missing. I knew there was something more. I knew there wassomething I hadn't gone it something a person aut to had. I knew that comparedto some of these guys. For thirty years I was still a basketcase and I wantedmore- and I didn't know where to go. Where do when you're sponsoringeverybody in the world and you're doing all the service and you're doing theforce, an you're doing the Fini, step and you're doing the ten step andyou're doing all this shit? Where do you go when, after doing all this stuff,you got ten years and you're not well? Where do you go when it's still not Oky? Where do you go when you're still weird?Where do you go when you're still...

...anxious? When do you go when you'restill worried? When do where do you go when you'restill scared awife? Where do you go? What do you do? Ell I'll tell you someguy came up and he says you aught to Try Bible Study. So at first I said: No,because you know that's what alcoholics do they get scared they get worriedabout. What will people in a a think about me? Can you imagine that whatwill people an AC M, I'm like worried about some guy who's sitting next to mein the front road of an a meeting who wasn't even paying my visa bill? Youknow so after I go got over that bullshit. You know what I mean Istarted going to Bible study. This is just my path. I'm talking about theelevth is my path and I'm sin: Bible Studid, with forty guys and most rombetween the ages of sixty and eighty years old, one guy was like nine yearsold and they've been studying the Bible to source material for the last fiftyyears and they're talking about the same stuff we talk about in here. Theyare talking about the same stuff, we're talking about ere thisen me they're,talking about the same exact stuff, we're talking bck as a matter of fact,the way they read the Bible, they read the Bible, like we read the Big Book.It's all about stories about guys that are wacky crazy, they're readingstories about people that are nuts they're worrying about king David, whogot in bed with Bathshibawho, was married to a guy name. Uria got herknocked up and then kills her husband. You know and they're rea they'rereading some really WACKO store they're reading s. You wantto talk aboutstories about people that were sick and sinners. Thy'rethey're reading somereally strange stuff and they're talking about the same deal, we'retalking about and they're talking about the source of Matelel and all of asudden is I'm listening to them and how they approach it and there's only onedifference, only one difference between them and a and here's the difference in Aa. If you talk about God, eventhough the big book says God either is or isn't which thedecision is going to be, even though in a a it says, there's no middle of theroad solution. You know what I mean. What's your decision going to be, eventhough a a says we're on a new basis, the base of trusting reliant upon God,you know what the fellowship said to me: An AA. Don't worry about the God thing,don't you talk too much about God? The only difference between the Bible Study,N, a a and believe me. I still am big on a GONAE, no puting down the onlydifference was Bible study was like a a but late. They were into God. Theyencouraged you to talk about God. They wanted you to focus on God. They wantedto put the entire embasis on God, which, in my mind, had was sort of consistentwith something called the Oleven step. I do't know Whet Ho all I've ever readthe Lovin step, but it says something about increasing your conscious contactwith God. Let me tell you somethn: You want to greet your contact with God:Ain't no better place than church, which is probably why in AA in the bigbook it says, least, in two places we encourage church membership and it evensays that most of the founders remembers e church because it forcedthem to focus on God. I mean I'll. Tell you what it's a strand, so I was there once or once a week I would go there toBible stay. Then I joined the church. I became a deacon o the Church. Then Iwent to another Bible study, went to another Bible study and startedstudying the Bible, and you know I didn't know anything about the Bible.I'd never read it. You know I mean really you're seriously involved in it,but after you do it for about two or three years or whatever it is. Youbecome pretty just like the big Bok, just like the big Buk you' become veryknowledgeable about the source, and you know what this is really wild. The moreI read the Bible, the more sense, the more things I saw in the big book thatI had never seen before. Maybe because the guys that wrote the Big Book werereading the same material I was reading all of a sudden. I understood what theymeant by the Good Smaritan, which was a story an lop all of a sudden. Iunderstood that stuff and I started maturing a little in my face. I startedbelieving more and then my sponsor my second sponsor died and sitting next tome was a guy named John Glen.

He had fifty years or fifty five yearssobriety. He was like sixty five years old or sevent years, all th time and hewas a baptist preacher and I asked he beg my sponsor and he was at that nextlevel. He was at that next devel. He was what I needed. I used to go out to dinner with him andI'd go sorry. I've told this story before I'd start eating. I'd started eating 'd Sayg. What areyou doing? We'd be in a deny's, I said. Well, I'm eating says any. We got togive banks Russell, we gotto give thanks and he would stop we'd stopeating in the middle of Denny's. Hald meet people all around us. I never did this stuff in AA and hewould bow his head and start praying. It wasn't. One of these like. Thank you.Thanks for the food chef I'll see around you know it was like one ofthese long prayers, long, baptist, prayers, praying for everybody in theworld and and help rustle to to understand. You know his life and beSoa a long Baptist prayer, and then he would end up by saying in Jesus and Ohmy God, there were people, I'm looking at people who's. Is Anybody watching me?Is Anybody looking at me? You know and- and you know, that's the guys I hungout with you know something pretty soon. I wasn't embarrassed anymore, pretty soon, not only waswh't, I wasbarrassed. I was grateful. I was hanging around Hem 'cause. I noticed Iwas feeling better. I noticed that things that were going on in the plantthat used to bother. He didn't bother me anymore, you know, and so I Istarted hanging around with him. I start Rong hanging around with otherpeople that ere inte that stuff. You know and h I'll tell you what you starthanging around with people that are into that stuff and alcohol anonymousinto focusing on God, focusing on God, folks, Oy God cenyou run into people,and you run the people that think tey think that this is Sall by. I don't know meditation and prayer like sitting inthe cave for five hours or something whatever whatever float o boat. Let me tell you something I put myselfin a position where I wasn'n a Barr. I wasn't ashamed of God, I'm not ashamedof God outside of a I'm, not shaped to talk about, I'm not ashamed inside E. Anybody who knows me hey book. This isan example right here nose. I talk about God all the time. You knowsomething. One of the promises is how Mun you think about this is sort ofmakes. You feel good. One of the promises in Aa is that you'll that you'll lose fear of people, isn'tthat true ebanyever ever worry about people in what they think about you most, a as are just God, Gotn worriedabout what people thinki about their whole life is about worrying about whatother people are goingto. Think about Hem. If they do this or do that or losethis or lose that you know, I mean man. I've never met an Alcoholi Col. asit said, I don't give a crp what other people think about me and the onlypeople that say that suffor people that are intensely worried about what otherpeople think about 'em. You know I can tell you this A. I don'tknow I think about this. It makes sense to me people when you're, when you'rein a when you're reading a book called alcoholics anonymous that talks aboutin order to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. You know you have to make your Creator,your God, the sentral fact of your life, that there is one who has all power.That one is God, may you find him now? Half measures won't get you there andno person will get you there. You can't manage AU way out of it. You can'tthink your way out of it. Only God couldn't wonder if he was sought whenyou were in a group with the literature the Basic Textbook says. Once we ma, wemust above everything, get rid of thes selfishthess. We must or kills us Godmakes that possible when the book says once we make this decision. Also, forGod also is remarkable things happening being all powerful. He will give useverything we need if we stay close to my performer's work well and his workjus to be a maximum service to him and other people. When that's what yourbook says and that's just a few of the...

...many things thit says when that's whatyour book says and you're worried about speaking about God in and Aa eeting, don't ever be concerned that you'reever going to beat that that freedom from fear of other people, I mean I'll, tell you something: If inan AIT, eeting you're really concerned about whether somebody will talk badlyabout you, 'cause jus thinking about God, you can forget about that promisedfear of other people. Believe you that ain't happening. You know that you knowT it. Just ain't going to happen. I'll, tell you what if there's any place, you can talkabout God, it's Inan a meating, but as I say that I don't want you to feel too bad. Ifyou know 'cause, I understand it's a growth experience. I'm not you knowit's a growting, it's a growing experience but think about it. For asecond, you know one of the promises is Wi'll, lose fear of people and ofECNOICAN security, and all I calkto is worry about what other people are goingto think about hem at a meeting. If they mention God- or they mentionedthis- or they mentioned that interesting thing, you know, I think it's a great thing to be ableto get to the point where you can. You can find a release from fewr peoplewhere you can talk unshamedly about your life and your faith in God. How can you really talk about theeleven step unless you talk about your faith and your Creator and what yourCreati 's done for you bill? Wasn't Bill Wilsonwass N' scared to talk aboutit know he said the Lord's been sowonderful Makcaranlook at Outcossoo, something hey, listen! The foundersweren't skirred to write about it in a book called alcoholics anonymous. Ifthe founders aren't scared to wite about it, if Bill Wilson isn't scaredto talk about it. If it's all over the steps, Godcouldn't what, if you were tought Wyon a should I be scared to talk about it. Why should I be scared to talk aboutEll t know? I just pointed that at it's part of the sonility I suppose, but atan event, so that's the story of my life and that's what I've been workingon. I've been working on trying to help other people tellin my story whereverthey'll listen to me getting people upset from time to time.Well, you know whenever you distert, and I know what the cause there'ssomething wrong with you, that's what the Tenn step says and basically tryingto carry the message. That's what we're supposed to do! Carry the message.What's the message that you're carrying what's the message that this is mymessage message of my story, my sobriety, not only not only physicalsopriete but emotional sobriety, motional surbribe, because the realproblem with Outcox is unhealthy. Dependnsis, it'Bat Ittolatry, it'sabout basically trying to make people place. Em thing the CENTA piece of yourlife andsed, I go. You know it's real simple. When you make cars or money orwomen or sex your job, anything other than God, the central fact of your life,things aren't going to work out. Yea you'll get something you might evenstay sober for twenty years, but Yo d you're not going to get what they had.You know there's different types of sobriety. You know I. I know this whenmy sponsors used to say that guy sober they didn't mean just he wasn'tdrinking, they meant something else. They talkedabout like grown up people, adults, men. So that's all. I have to say. I have noidea. Let me see. Did I go over? What's the deal that I violate any rules here,you did not. It was perfect. Eight, fifty nine, perfect! Okay! That's itthat's my story. I'm sticking to it.

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