AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 41 · 1 year ago

Russell S at There Is A Solution group - Step 10 - Growing to not-upsettable

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at There Is A Solution Group, NJ

Sol spats, if you hear a pom of thebackground, I homefil just start reading it Rainingso.I think I'll wait till they stopp it's probably some political callor, stam called or something like that. Butit's good to be. I'm Amember, the SATIXA group and I haven't found Thatsi,have to drink since H. nor have I ohto had that Av. I had to drink since January. twentY FFTH, nineteen ND eighty one- and it's always good for me to be a naming-that's a privilege to evr whenever anybody else should have share it, an ameeting and I'll I'll try to do my best to tell the truth, we'll see how that goes.I was told a long time ago the in order to give a good aiman. You justhave to be sincere and once you learn how to fake that you got it made. So what Isyo o the old story as like Ja,giant tool box as a wrench o ever every nigt that walks in the door. So I don't know that I'll be a RENC, anI'm a sign tonight. I'm supposed to talk about step. Ten I've been debatingon whether I should do that you no don't get your hope, something you know,keep your expectations. Well, I about in two thousand and six I remember Iwas doing a step series at H, a group. I can't remember the toll stephouse and H. I was supposed to do step eight and I had just gone back fromGreenboro North Carolina and I was debating on whether I should do Stepaidtan. Ishould talk about my trip to Greensboro and for some reason the spirit moved meto talk about my trip to Greensborow, and I think that was. I think that thattalk. I gave him two thousand and eight six was probably in my mind one of T, one of the mosthonest and sincere talks I've ever given, and itwas just something that were put on my heart to talk to the group about, andso I I prety Mi'll papologize seer right now. If we don't spend a lot oftime on ten, I probably will. But, but I really I don't plan these things, Idon't have any canned stuff. I just Sart O talk about whati. Think Godwants for to talk about. I pray about that stuff. So I I I look at the tent step differentlynow I'll have, if I don't drink I'll, have I'm seventy one years old. I livein Mihami selfsupporting from o contributions fork. Let Mes see, havefour kids, seven grandkids and H if I don't drink in January, I'llhave forty years and h. So I've been doing this for a while and in my my my prerception and ideas about thisprogram have changed in the last forty years. I don't know, has your pper haveyour perceptions changed about yourself in the program in the man in the yearsthat you've been sober and H, and it's just the way it is. You knowhow does it say our perceptions change? It says through repeated humiliationsand the final crushing of our self sufficiency. We learn the value ofsuffering and that pretty much describes what'sbeen going on with me, just ah just thirty nine years, plus of goingthrough trials and tribulations and never never never take my eye off the prize in my taste of prize has always been God whether I knew I was looking at Godor not. Sometimes I was looking at my sponsor,but I was still actually looking at God infollowing directions and not and the most porant thing my life has alwaysbeen not drinking, that's the deal and that's got to bethe most important thing. Maybe that's why th the the first step is soimportant because when you come Aday at least and I'm talking about myself- I'mnot talking about you, but when I came...

Te, I'm an alcoholic, you know the drinkingwas really the easiest thing to give up and H. I thought Drikin was the problem,and indeed it was the problem and H. of course, I I came day 'cause. Icouldn't stop drinking and I thought my life was older. I was thirty one yearsold. I thought I'd never get better again and I came t taasonamis and I got down tomy knees and I gave my life well. I gave Hem t e drinking to God. I I'debecome entirely ready to have God perhapsany anything come into my lifeand stop me Stoppe the drinking I was willing to go to any lanths. You know. I have a lot of people thatactually contact me over the years and they told me they want to stop drinking and I'll say to hem I'll, say this I'llsay: Well, WH, I'm go I'm doing a meeting tonight. Hn, don't you show upthe meeting and they won't show up that used to disappoint met whenalcoholics will tell you they want to do something, and then you say: Okay Itwe'll justshow up and they don't show up it use to disappoint me, but I know that I know that if you want tostop, if you really want to stop gengenerally, you show up h, you know, talk is cheap and I wantedto stop so I showed up that's WHA. I con. I followed directions, I think,maybe for alcoholics who are rationalwizers like me and they tellthemselves rationalwise or maybe they still think they have alittle running room, so they can manage their their lives and they ha second guess themselves andsecond yestteir sponsors and and manage their own life. Maybe maybethey, I guess it's difficult to fillwdirections. But when you get to the point in your life, where you thinkyour life is over and it's nevrthe jumping off place, what does it say envision for you here and then once in a while? I A drinker being dry at the moment, says,feel better look better. Having a better time. We laugh at such Sala. Youknow, he'll, try the old game again because he's not happy with hissurpriving. No soon he'll kno loneliness as you do.You know, Hel wish for the end of jumping offwas. I got to the jumpingoff place, so I know that's all about, and I got to the point where, where I I wanted to, I thought I wouldnever be better again, and so I was willing to follow directions, and youknow when you come toalcall, senonymous and you're, crazy and you're insane and you're self destructive. What acommenagers say about alcohols. Thera men and women are out to destroythemselves when you come Aday and you're self, destructive and you'resuffering from and you're selfish and yourself, centered and you're, drivenby a hundred fourms of fear and selfdelusion, because you makedecisions based upon self and you and you're defiant that your chiefcharacteristic, it's very very hard to follow direstions. But I was beatindown enough so that I I may not have understood a lot, but Iknow I didn't want Ta drink, and so when you come Daa and you're you'recrazy and you run into people who aren't crazy. The old tongress I reninto they'll, sometimes Tiyo, to do some crazy stuff and H. I would I wouldfollow the directions, even though I I didn't understand why I was doing it. You know one one of the stories I tell to give an example of that is the story.When I had about three months, voriety and- and I found out- I had some moneyproblems, I don't know ther. I know anybody here has ever had beenconcerned about money. It's not important s to just riht up there withoxygen and H and for the first ten or fifteen years.I'd worry a lot about mar money. I kept on wondering when that promised anotherpromise. IST FEWR F people in Baopi, an security legos. Looking for thatpromise and h.

So I was about three months ober and Ididn't have any money in the bank and I had a wife and one or two kids at homeand H. I hadn't paid the mortgage in about two months and I was I wasworried and I wasn't going to tell anybody in the group. I wasn't going toshare it in the group ECAUSE. I didn't want anybody to know that you know the big shot attorney didn'thave any money and in Sel I am, I went up to my sponsor and I said Bob and I told him the whole story aboutnot having money and Howi was groke and how I thought I was going to be advictedwhen my wife and kids out in the street- and he looked at me after listening tome for a while about the money problem and he said h Ho said you know. Iunderstand. I think I had the solution for you. I said really. He said. Ohyeah absolutely Ho said. I think it's about time. You start making coffee forthe group and H, no, I'm not too bright, but Istart thinking. I said, I'm not, I'm not sure we're actually having aconversation here. I'm not sure this man now, let me explain something. Igraduated in department wit alarmers on mathematics. I co call the post graduate math courseas. I wasgoing to be a map professor and, and I was going from my Phdn Algebrat,the poligy and I decided to go to law school and I went to law com insteadand I had been to devision shef an the states torneys off. As I think I triedabout twenty one murders before my twenty twenty twenty seventh birthdayand H, I thought I was pretty sharp. I knew everything and I was supposed tobe sponsored by Albert Einsteins or Jesus, but they weren't around. So they gaveme this used car salesman, who hadn't evengraduateed, sixth grade and and H. I was in no position to arguewith him because I came tot doctbalxand, I deide two neurons working and theywere waiting goodbye to each other and h. So I so this guy's. This is the guy who was in my officeand Coserice in my officn on day, and I point to the degrees on my wall and Isay Bob Ecause. I had this walfle of degrees, which proved I was educatedfar beyond my capacity to understand anything. I pointed to my degrees, othewise said I surbib. These are my degrees and without missing a bee. Helooked at me e said. Well, you know Rus Reck, the thermometers have degrees,you know at they do with those so that pretty much sums up my sponsors and howthey used to talk to me. I had a sponsor name, Joe Sneider, and everytime Joe was going to lay on me a a very profound, a piece of informationthat he thought I used t I needed to know. He would always start off theconversation by saying something like this now listen, stupid and sorlike. I know there was something importantcoming up that he wanted me to listen to so I wasn't Mollycoli, you know andMa mollycodld whatever. That is so so I seit them all about this money, stuffand my worries and he said well. I think I have the ans for you. I think it's abouttime. You start making coffee for the group and UH. Quitefrankly, I I saw no connection in increasing my back accounts or payingthe mortgage and making coffee for the group I mean I got, I got to be honestwith you. I really didn't see a connection and H, but I was so I hadnot had to drink him three months and more than engything. I didn't wantto drink again and I somehow had connected my mindthat my not drinking had something to do with listening to my sponsor, and sohe marched me over to the coffee and I started making coffee and he showed mehow to make the coffee- and he said now tomorrow, Night Russell. You got to gethere about half an hour earlier and you gotto set up the tables and the chairs,and you got to make the coffee for the...

...group. So the next night came and andno money had come in and I was very, very depressed. You know Ou hols neverget just depressed. We get very very depressed and I was very very depressedand I didn't want to go to a meeting ECAUSE.I was too depressed to go to a meeting and but I had to go to the meaning'cause. I had to make Tus lipping coffee and had to make the coffee. So Iwent to the meeting and I I made the coffee and the meeting was a goodmeeting and I felt better after the meeting I made the coffee for thatmeeting for three months and somehow all the money came in and I didn't haveto kill myself and everything worked own and I remember some guy. I came upto me after the meeting in three months. ANSEAD I'll make the coffee I said: I'mthe coffee, Baker, Whota, hell, Mak Dou, the coffee, Majer, and I make Colk of that group for eighteenmonths and H and it is true, you know, intentsive work with alcohols.Experiences shown that intend to work with alcohol s will help, keep yousober and h and that's what ie be. I was doing this by the numbers and FA and and following directions. I I actually think that a lot of thisthing has to do with following directions and doing what you're told doing what you're told you know, and Ionce asked my sponsor. I said because I was sponsoring people, you know it's ak. You want to find out about this disease. Hey you wantto find out aboutthis disease. You really want to find out about alcoholics. You want to findout about yourself sponsor people sponsor a lot of people. You knowyou'll find out a lot about alcohols, so I went up to one of my spots or JoeSneider and I said Joe. What do you do when, when analcohol a doesn't do what you ask Hem to do? I actually sponsored alcoholics attimes. That would not do what I asked them todo and used to bother me, and I said what do you do if you have an alcoholand he doesn't do what what you ask them to do and he says well, I justtell him to do whatever heck. He wants to do 'cause they're going to dowhatever the hell they want to do anyway. Don't get your the Pantis in aSnit, you know what I mean and, and that's the deal so you know all youcan do is try to carry the message. You can't carry the message and, and so over the period of years, we'vegot two great things going for us in AA. The first great thing we have goneforus is alcohol. As like a giant tool box, I mean every, I don't know everyevery six months to a year alcohol sort of comes through and wipes out all thebullshit. I mean nobody gets away with it every every year or so, every twoyears or so alcohol comes through just like just like a whole flock of locusand all the I'm not going to do that, and you can't tell me what to do andI've got my program. You'V got your program and you know I'm different andI'm you don't understand and it it just wipes them all out. You know what Imean and then they come back in and they say this time, I'm really going todo it and wipes hem out again, you know, and until they get the picture repeatedhumiliations than a final crushion of our self sufficiency, and so the onlything I could tell you about staying sober for a long period of time if youjust get to be humiliated more times for a longer period of time, which hassomething to do with learning learning your lesson learninga lesson, because I'm one of the things I had my spontors. What did I say to Bob once I said Iknow what you're doing you're trying to brainwash an he says. Well, maybe yourbrain needs washing you know, and that kind of stuff. So I did all the did.The staps in the third step, forthstep all the steps- and I so I look at the tent step a littlebit differently and Letmei'll. Try to explain you how I look at it now I mean for manymany years. I've got to be O, I'm going to try to be honest, Er and we'll seewhere that goes. I'm Gongto try to be honest with youall for many many years.My life was all about the tent step.

Quite frankly, if I was to be honestwith you right now, I think I'm more focused right now on the on the sixth and sevent step. They callt at them old, timer steps and I sort of understand why, to repeat it repeatedly overlife, thenthey they say. The six step is about the man. WHO's trying to grow WHO'sbecome entirely ready to have God remove anything that stands andanything that stands in the way of his relationship with God and, of course,the the Big Book and the twelve and call talks about howlt Yo want to berockeed in the fourth dimensioned existence of which we had not evendreamed. He says the great fact is this andnothingless that God has to become the central factor, Ou lives, and we haveto be convinced without doubt convinced that he lives in her hearts and mindsin a way which is Adeed, miraculous and that he's doing for us what we can'tToh for ourselves and that that' seeking the Lord and see and beingconvinced and making God the central fact of or lives. I'll tell you I'mjust talking about me. This is my deal that doesn't happen because you'rethree months old, when you get down your knees and say the thirdstep prayer that doesn't you don't become convincedthat God is going to work in your life and that he's living in your harm inyour mind, you'l'l become convinced of that, because you hold hands Ar Amin anSA Lords prayer, you ade to come ton mince for an annal second or fiveminutes or so, but as soon as you get an you, cars start driving away, youstop wearing it. You start werrying about the bank account anyway. It takes many many ICANTA that it tookme many many many years to be convinced. You know that part in the big bookwhere it says there is no middle of the road solution. It's right after thegreat fact is this and nothing less the next paragop is. There is nom, there'sno middle of the road solution, no Rustell! You cannot be you hepner andJesus Christ. At the same time, no rustl! You cannot focus on God andfocus on having a yacht with a whole bunch of Babes in it. No Russell,that's not the way it goes. You have to be convinced that God is the mostimportant thing. Se, your relationship with him is right and great events willcome to past to on countless other ron new basis, the basis of trusting EerLin upon God, trust every line upon God, you never you never apologized forgotyou never acologize. For God, all men of courage have faith, they trust theirGod. You just let him demonstrate n your life. What he's doing I got totell you something I I understand now why they say twicein the big book that you never apologize for God. I go to a lot ofmeetings with people who are apologizing for got apologize in fom, amentioning God trying to forgot all sorts of ways, not to mention the word.God all sets o sort of like slang or something like that. So they don'tmention God, because they're more worried about what other people re Gointo think about. If they talk about God too much. I understand that I can tell you this, so this is justfor my own point of view of my own opinion. If you ever worry an alcoholI's anonymous where they talk about God, all the time where they sase, wherethey talk about above everything, we must get rid of this selfishness. Wemust get rid of this true alcoholism of selfishness. That cenders your mind,not your body, we must o'erkils us! God makes that possible once you make that decision. For God,the true sincere decision, all sorts of remarkable things happen being allpowerful. We'll give you everything you neave, you stay close to e perform. IsHis works? Well, you know, but what happens if we can'tmeet you? What? If we can't see you and wer not can't hang around you? Wecannot be sure of that. God will decide that, but you mustremember that you're real your real reliance has always beyond him. He will evenshow you how to create the fellowship you crave. You know when you're inalcohol, it's anonymous with that material and that's our basic text andyou have a problem talking about God. It makes you uncomfortable. You worrywhat other people in a a are going to speak about to think about you talkeabout God. I want to give you a little...

...clue just a little hin. I ca be wrongabout this. Don't don't ever don't ever be surprised that you're not you're not experienced thatpromise. The promise you'll lose foryour people for those of you who want to lose fearof people o Revo. Those W of you want to live alife where you're, not afraid of people's judgments. For those Tha, you go P actually, aftermany years of Aye shown the spot light on your prison, you know you can't youdow't. One of the things they say is the first step in getting out of jails.You got to know yout you're in Gel. In the first place for many years I was inan alcohol jail and then ID busted out of that ch Onan find out. I was in jailof seeking to other people's approval. I was in a jail because I because Idon't know about you, but I find most people and including myself, have avery lell opinion of themselves. I D'll give a crap how many times you tellyourself you're grade or you don't know who you're dealing with or all thatother stuff. We say, I don't care what other people think of me, my mypersonal feeling about the alcoholics that I've seen and my own alcoholism asmost alcoholics, don't really think they're worthy other they're up to thetask. They just have this. This itter feeling they're just not they're, justnot good enough. There's just something wrong. You know and h. You know whenyou live a life and you're constantly and you're ashamed of yourself andyou're ashamed of yourself when you're worried about whether people actually ever find outexactly who you are and what you are. When you live that sort of life, itsets up a really bad way of seeing things and dealing with people. First of all, you gotta spend a lot ofmoney. You don't have buying things. You don't need to impress people. Youknow like you ha to constantly tryg, to impress people constantly try to dosomething and get something in your life outside of you, so that you couldbe OK. I think the worst thing Li. I think it's such a horrible thing to gothrough life with that kind of bondage to have an interfeeling of beingworthless and feeling that you have to do something to perform something or besomething or have something or own something so that peoplew think they're.Okay, 'cause, you really have no interfeeling that you're ocame yourself.The only time you feel you're, okay, is, if other people tell you they thinkyou're. Okay, I think it's such a horrible horrible existence. I thinkthat's really the true alcoholism, that's the alcohollism that lives onfor ten fifteen twenty thirty years, afte Yo stop drinkand the drinking's,not really the disease. The drinking allows you for a time to think thatyou're a superman superwolman, ok, but the drinking's not really the disease,the dysseas, you know, lives alive in my body and h and that's the bottom Lin with me, andthe only way I've ever been able to get out of it is by focusing y God andlistening to my sponsors and all my sponses. The only in e they've everdone is giving me directions to do things that got me closer to God and that's the deal. So I work thesteps and that's my story, and so the ten step has been really was areally really big part of my life. As I say I mostly folvus on six and seven, and if you're going tofocus on six and seven which talks about Um. As I said before, rowing up andbecoming an adult and Dilbleson said, the next frontier is emotional sobriety,said alcoholic. She says the real prom with ALCOHOLCIS onhealthy dependencies idolatry, putting other things in theplace of God: Women, Men Romance Money, name it the things of this world thingsyou lost after things, you feel you have to have you know, that's the real, that's thereal disease he say says. Well, if you get involved in the six step, wheryou'R, trying t growin his image inlikeness, and that becomes the mostimportant thing to you when, when the...

...prize wh n, when the prize becomesnomially, not drinking one day an time, but the real prize becomes trying toknow what God wants Ou to do and do his work and growin his image an line toTan. Well, that becomes surprise. Amazing things happen, call young, said,ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the giding forces of these men's livesare shifted to one side and they become dominated by wholenew set of ideas,andmotions and attitudes, and some sort of psychic spiritual change happensthat you could never do on your own, because how can I do it? On my own, I'mprowessed of my drinking I'm powerless over my thinking, I'm a Tancaholic, I'm I'm a selfish ahaulic. I can't changeme only God. Working through me in and INMAE can change me. You know the HolySpirit and so the bottom line is. I worked on the tent step, a lot becausehere's the problem when you have alcoholism, the Wayhad alcholism andyou still operate under the old ideas, because one of the things they say is,I think it's in the big book at says. We have to let goof our old ideas orelse to result ise. Don't they say something like that, don't they saylike half measures, tof El us, nothing. You ever hear. That said, I think theyreader half measurabilia. How? How can you g? How can you have the ideacomprehend the idea that half measures w value nothing when deep down insideyou don't believe it? You really believe. Don't you really believe thathalf measures give you fifty percent com on, I know Y. do you believe halfmeasures give you fifty percent, but the big book says half measures aboutyou. Nothing Giyo really give Yo. It says we must get rid of our old ideas.The result is NAL UNTO WE LIKEO. How do you Lek goabsolutely? How do you become to? How do you get rid of all doubt? How do youbecome convinced that God is living in your life when you spend most of yourtime wearing about your bank account and most of your time worried aboutwhat other people think about you? How does that change happen? Where youbecome a different human Ben, I mean how? How do you do? How do you read whyYoure Plang brain you got a whole new mother h? You know motherboard ind, thewhole thing you know I don't know the bomb line is all I know is that is ssomething to do with everybody has to I keep on thinking of the story in thedesert. destoring the BI Ngenesis, an exodus in accidents, especially aboutthe Israelites leaving leav in Egypt. I think that's a really good story thattalks about my alcoholism. I was in Egypt in Egypt for like what four hundred years where it was 't TORhundred or eight hundred years, they were in Egypt, tha slaves and finally,they bus loose from Egypt to go to the Promised Land and I'm on thy way o thePromised Land. They spend forty years trudging through the desert, fortyyears trudging through the desert, because they were following ot like athree week journey by foot and it took hem forty years 'cause. They were,following God, 'cause God wanted them to march through the desert, untilevery one of them died and the only people that went into promise land werepeople who were born free in the debt born free in the desert. You know theygot rid of all the people, the slave mentality and somehow my slavementality has to die, and I have to become a free man and the only thing todo that is. I have to walk through that desert of soriety. You know what is itthat those repeated humiliations, the final crushing of my self sufficiency,so I can learn the value of pain, value of all those things I coeverything. Icomplained about every problem I had that. I go to a meetings was propel mecloser to God and and changing me and moulding me in such a way so that Icould be a better instrument to do his will and be of his service. So thereason why I I was very proficient I became very proficient inthe tent step is because I was extremely proficient in screwing up. I was extremely proficient in fuckingup really. It was amazing and H.

Apparently, if you're an alcohol, youdon't get all wonderful all the time at once, and you talk about repeatedhumiliations, h, you know there. There was still the old man and me there wasstill the old deal in me. The old disease. The disease does not want toleave, it is cunning, baffling and pop the disease. You wantome, it stillhasn't actually left very once in a while it pops out. You know, I think my sobriety is I I call mysobriety. I don't Ev, I'm not even sure I do the steps anymore. I I just sort O,I sort o Liv O. I don't know what it is. It's like Waxon, you ever see thatmovie wax on and wax off. You know I mean they used to be all distinct anddiffering like. Oh, I think I just did a third step. Oh I have to AFORESTEP.Oh, I just did a fifth step ell I just in a twelve step. I just did attendto Imean there was so ey was so unusual and so different. Once I started learningwhat they were, I saw myself doing, Hem all the time. Oh, I just did a thirdstep today. I turned it over today or I did that, and you know after thirtyyears of this stuff y. u you don't say I just di a Thirta. You just want tolive your life. You know I was I was. I can't tell you how many times I turnsomething over somedody take a week to tr. I don't even know whether you guyswel they. I don't even know where they use that language anymore, where youhad a problem kept on thinking about it. Thinking about thinking about thinkingabout it, worrying about it n talking to people about it and then finally,the day comes. You just give up the ghost and turn it over to God and youput it in Te, Godbox or whatever it is, and then all of a sudden you stopworrying about A. I says, Wel what happened about the Hunzo? I I turned itover. I turned and o you go through a week up hell before, but I turned itover and then everything sort of works out because you you you turned it over.You know what I mean. I mean you got clawmarks all over it, but you turnedit over. You know, whatever happened happened, that's the kind of fate I had.I had the kind of faith where I had to kilmyself and suffer for two weeksuntil I would turn it over, because I had no choice 'cause, I couldn't do itmyself and, and you do that over and over again went for ten years andfifteen years and twenty years- and I don't know- maybe it takes less time toturn it over- maybe Mae, instead of taking a week to turn it over. Maybe oucan turn over in like three days. You know and you're only miserable forthree days, and you say things I mean like: I have been having a bad year.I've been having a bad week. I've been having a bad day, you know I mean, andthen you start questioning them and say bad tan. You find out you had A B AdThree minutes driving over to Lemanin or something you know it's like it'slike it's what a hard life it is when you just can't live at turned over life,and then you keep on turning over and turning it over and turn it over andone day one day you wake up and you an and you're living and turnedover life. How can I put it one day? It's like. Second, it's not your firstnature. My first nature is to control everything and everybody, and if you dosomething wrong, I have to kill you. That's my first nature. Okay, it'sdeath to everybody that gets in my way, but my second nature, which almost likesecond nature, is sort of like doing the steps automatically just the way. Ithink whatever I'm disturbed. If something disserbs me, somebodydisturbs me, I got to kill him for about ten seconds and then all of asudden, I flip into whenever I'm disterbed to matter what Topaus there'ssomething wrong with me. That's the tent step, spiritual ation,might flip over. How long does it take? How long does it take that instead ofresenting somebody and blaming somebody and hating somebody and being miserablefor somebody and getting depressd because of somebody or something that'sreal or imagine, happnhow long does it take before when things happen to youthat when you're not getting your own way, it disturbs you where you juststart thinking...

...what's wrong with me. Why is this disturbingly instead ofblaming people and hating people? When do you stop blaming people and hurtingpeople and and asking God to help you, because you know there's somethingwrong with you, because you don't wantto be disturbed. I don't know howlong it takes took me. Maybe twenty twenty five years you know and I'm justtelling you my story, you guys are probably much marter than me and you'll.Do it faster, but that's the deal and in somewhere so yo. So I was always. Iwas always making amends to people 'cause. I was always saying Tor doingthe wrong thing and h one story about. I remember I was aboutthree years over and I was working in a law firm and I had a and my secretarywas. I was sharing a secretary with the senior partner and she was a young ladyfrom England and a very nice young ladue from England and Balleri and andone day I went up to Valleri and I wanted to dictate a letter and she wasin a Swibbel chair by by her desk over a over a typewriterand they had typewribers back then, and I went up to dictate a letter and shewas on the phone and while she was on the phone, she was talking on the phonelike this and she was talking to her girlfriend and she was saying thingslike: Oh and then we went to keed the Skan O, and then we went on the bowowand frank looked so cute in his shorts and I'm sitting there when the dictatesomething- and she said: Oh, we had such a good time and then we went outto eat and I'm sitting there waiting to dictate something to her and she, andso finally, I I looked at her and I said Ia about two years, O Priete attha time and finally I did this. I stood over and I did to sort of get her attention and she swibbled her chair around sothat she had her back to me- and I heard her say this- I heard h say Daris,I'm sorry, but there's a real test, hovering over me. You know distractingme and H at that point, whatever small, whatever whateverveneer of sobriety I had on me, vaperized like like Magasaky and I'm GOINTA use the word. You know Ihate to use it, but I have no other way of expressing it and went down and Ilooked in erface. I said if you don't get over that off, that fucking phonein five seconds, I'm going to wrap the quart around your fuckyng neck andthrow you out the window that was before we got sensitive and I guessed what guess what she gotoff the phone and H. I always had this this belief thatevery once in a while, an alcoholic should go psychotic just to let em knowthat there's always a possibility that could happen. You know you know so inan event, so she got us Fon and I dictatd a letter and I started walkingdown to my office and, as I was walking down to my office and when I was walking down to myoffice in my mind, I started going over what she what she said and what I saidand what she said and what she I said. She said this and I said that, and shesaid this and I said that and and then all of a sudden, as I'm goingover in my off Yo ' whe, I'm I'm saying nd, then she turned their slible chairand I'm thinking about going and then all of a sudden I I heard this voicecome through and it said and Wen wereronl promptly abitted and I said tomy s and I knew where that was going. I knew where that sucker was going. Itwas going to an apology and there was no way I was going to apologize thatpitch no way I was going to apologize 'cause. She was wrong. She was deadwrong and I kept on saying you know when we were wrong promptly admittedyou know, make make make amends and promptly admit it, and- and I was wasjust driving me crazy and I had a couple of years and I...

I don't know I just I just turnedaround. I went back upstairs and I went up to to her and I said I said now. I said I want apologize to Yo. I should neverhave said that to you and I really apologize. I was wrong and saying thatto you and she looked at me. She said why Paul judged you I'm. I was wrongtoo, and that was Yein you know, and and because of that, instead of being adrunk lawyer in some bar somewhere that night talking about his bitch attorneyand getting drunk, I was at home with my children. You know, and so I wasvery familiar with the ten step with the tens step. I was doing it all thetime ecause. I was saying stupid stuff, getting angry and screwing up all thetime. So that's that's. That's one of thethings I think about when I think about the ten stuff as a as a safety valve for young Lcaholics, who are constantly getting into trouble costly, screwn up, because I have thatkind of alcohollism where the craziness didn't go awayright away, where every once in a while once a dayor once a week. I would just do some sort of shitty thing that was going tojust drive me crazy and believe me. It was a short drive, then. So that's why I think the ten step isreally important, but let a tell what happend wh t the way. I look at it nowbecause there's a whole different deal going on now with me, and I was constantly doing these little tents, stepinventories to my mind and every once in a while. If I really couldn't getrid of something, I'd have to write it out very often when people call me up totalk to me about a problem, they have and they're unsure t ' they're tryingto explain to me the problem, but they can't explain it. Whenever somebody's trying to explainme the problem and they can't explain it rather than spend three hours in thefall with them N, I say: Do me a favor write it out, put it on a list. Do theforce do the force that the inventory list? You know the four list andeverything like that and then come back and shuld and list with me, so we cansort of get straight exactly what's going on here. So the ten step for mefrom mechanical standpoint was a very incredibly great spiritual exercise andsort of and sort of implementing the spirits lacks him whenever I'm diterdinmatter what the cause there's something wrong with me, which I absolutely buyinto, I don't want. I don't want to have mylife depend. I don't want to have my subriety N my peace of mind. My equanimity depends upon you, chyouchanging or the world changing 'cause that ain't going to happen, that ain'tgoing to happen, and so that's the way I sort of looked a tend stup. Most ofthe time when I was younger for the first ten or fifteen or twenty years, but I look at it a little bitdifferently now and I'll. Tell you why- and this is just I maght as well- sharethe truth somewhere along the line after you do the tents after you makeamens and Youre constanly apologizing and going up to people andmaking amend somewhere along the to of the line an you get closer. I think ithas a lot to do with increasing your conscious contact withGod and Wantin to grow in his image anlikeness and I think the more yougrow and the more you grow in my gods. IESON, like the the more you I don't know I' ow, to say how aboutthis, the more you care about people onoi'm an alcoholic, so I'm Selfshan,I'm self centeted and I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear and I step on thetoso bothers and they retaliate, and I make decisions based upon Iself, whichis to say I'm an alcoholic, and so I don't give a shit about anybody exceptmyself. So that's the real disease. I have thereal disease I have. Is I'm so self involved that I don't give a shed aboutanybody except myself?...

That's why I I can't stop thinkingabout myself. I can't stop talking about myself. You know you know it's all about me. Me Me me.So let's stop talk about me. Let's talk about you. What do you think about me?You know it's all me me Mene me and the bottom line is, I think, th the closerI get t God and the more I want to be grown, his image in likeness. The more I concentrate on doing hiswork is really and his work is being a maximum service, tonthe people andtrying to help other people the more. I start feeling that and the more I wept,spontoring people, the more I startd working with people, the more I stoppedworrying about myself and thinking about other people. I don't know he and carrind about otherpeople, the l, the less ice, the less time Ispend trying to retaliate her and hurt other people the less time I the less the less timeI spend feeling sorry for myself 'cause. I feel my feelings are hert and something t occurred to me, whichis a very interesting thing. It's hard, I'L, Pu I'l tell you whatoccurred to me. What occurred to me is when you are constantly making amendsand you are constantly screwing up and it hurts your Equativ your peace ofmind, I loved it. What the possipal said I' learned te secret. I learned tobe content in all things you know I don't have to. I don't have to worryabout. My Bank account enough to worry about what this one thinks about me orthat one thinks about me. You know my peace of mind does not depend upon thecircumstances of my life. It just depends upon my the circumstances of myrelationship with God when, when, when you get to the point where, where youget tired of apologizeand for doing suit, stupid stuff, the tent step saysthat if you do it enough times, you you practice something called restraint ofpen and tongue. Another words you can actually get to the point where youstop doing stupid shit, and this is like amaz. This is likeadvance Ta, I'm telling you this is like post graduata. You can actually dothe tenstep so so much that you stoppd doing stupid, Shit andguess what you don't have to wait. Twenty five years, if you're in a a forlike ten years or fifty, whatever the time your name, you will find that youwill do less stupid shit at ten years than you were doing it at three years.It's not that you become sinless, you just sin less. You do less stupid shitand here's the amazing thing I mean this is really complex. So let me tryto put it this way. When you stop hurting people and doing stupid shit.When you don't do stupid, Shit and hurt people, you don't have to make any amends. It'sa! I there's a connection. There is an actual connection. You stop doingstupid things. You Stop Hurting people, you actually don't have to make amends.You may wake up one day and say man. I have to make a men. I have made amendsin a year. I haven't made Amensin a year and you start thinking aboutsomething wrong and I we a say: Oh no, I o know why I haven't aement on herbecause I haven't been doing stupid shit. You know what I mean. Well, maybeyou make amends here and Thereavee's, nothing to speak about. You know, andyou know no big things or anything like that and and the less the less time youspend making lemens and the less time you spend doing stupid crap the more time you experience, peace and the more time you expent experiencebeing Rockingin, the forth dimention of existence and the less disturbable youare my sponse used to say the reason I was upset. All the time is cause. I wasobsetable. If you have an ubsetable nature and one of the CONSEQUENC, itsays an lesson: Til an alcohol unless Nuntil an alcoholic understandsthe consequent understands and grasp of...

...consequences of his alcoholism. Hissobriety would be precarious and too happiness upon and all and one of thethings we re learning here while being pounded S, we learned that alcoholism,Wewe learn. Actually, what alcoholas really looks like most people in athink alcohols lizm looks like not being able to drink well if alcoholism.If your problem is a drinking problem, if that's the only problem you havedrinking, then I have a great message for you: Just stop drinking you don'thave to go to any means to stop drinking life, woill be wonderful, butif you have the conisease, I have well, you stop drinking and you realizeyou're crazy and you do crazy things and you hurt people and stuff like that,and even though you're not beingterested t with you, I you're sureacting stupid and you're, not feeling good and you're still lonely. You knowand you feel soll feeling I have feelings of worthlessness. You maysuffer from the disease of alcoholism if you suffrom disease vacals andthat's a whole different story, and and so what what what happens is you workthese steps over and over again and to Ma the opeorative word and step ten,and I'm going to finish it off with this the opniworded step. Ten iscontinued continued every time I've ever seen. Anybody coming to AA, whosaid they drank they drank after ten on twenty years or fifteen years. It'salways because they they stopped continuing. They stopped going tomeetings, they stopped speaking to their sponsor. They stopped praying,they stopped meditating, they stopped, they stopped continuing. Now. Here'swhat I used to think I used to think. Well. This is no problem. I just amnever going to stop going to meetings, but then I realize that those peoplethat stoped going to meetings at one point in time they were saying the samething I'll just never stop one to means they stopped anyway. So the realquestion was yet you ear people all the time lot of people trick I' stoppedgoing O men, so you Justi'm not going to go so here's the real quest of Wypeople, who were sober five years or ten years, stop going to meetings. Why does thathappen? And for me? That's where the God thing comes in, because if you lose,if the bottom line is as you get all the toys back and you get the womanback or you got the man back and you get the romance fack and you get welland you get wonderful and you get all those things that you want your lifeback and you don't have a relationship withGod or a tenuous relation with God. You Start Romancin the world and for USTthere is no middle of the ROAs solution and W we don't realize, like Bot whatwhat Bilwilson said is the real prom. An alchocs is unhealthy dependenciesandinstead of becoming dependent upon God. We com become dependent upon thecar. We come dependent upon the woman wecome dependent upon the Romance. Wecome dependent upon the job we come dependent upon the money, we've comedependent upon the world and the worldly things, and we stopped thinkingabout gods. We may even say we believe in Dob, but the Boto line is we'redependent upon the things of this world and the bottom wine is that's the firstthat once we turn away from God. That's the first step and stopping going themeetings and stopped an doing things you have to do. Wa Shoud think you gotcontrol and you think you P, you got the power back and then it's off to thetrack when you're off to drinking again. So somehow some way for me, it's youknow tied into my continuing. This thing is the fact that the mostimportant thing in my life is my relationship with God and and my mylove of God, Hik Gilblson said the Lord has been so wonderful to mee trumme inthe scebulosies dod can keep talking about him and tell him telling otherpeople about him and to the extent I depend upon God, and I focus on God. Iknow that God wants when to go to these meetings. He wants to help anotheralcoholic. He wants e O, try to spread the message o what wonderful life hewould have if you just turned towards him and that's what helps me continuingand that's why I'm here? It's the only...

...reason, I'm here why I do this stuffand go to zoo meetings, because II feel just like Gowolsafeel. You know theLord's been so wonderfor me suing me of this teldosease that I got to keeptalking about and telling other people that's what I want to do. I'l have toworry about the money in the bank and all the other stuff. First things firstseek the first, the King of God and his rigcasness. All things are randed ontoit. It's just like my sponsor said you make the Couh for the group, the moneyill come in. You make the cough for the group. Everything will be Oky, you knowif you practice these principles, you're going to be on a goodrelationships with everybody. So thank you very much. That's all I have to sayon that deal. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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