AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 39 · 1 year ago

Russell S at Eye Opener Group Bermuda 09062020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at Eye Opener Group Bermuda, September 6, 2020

Dao EAC, the money was roshes tat,somen alcoholin Ds, not to embarrass he better as unaccustomed as I am for public tid, im H, seventy one years old, I'm analcoholic of the OE serious OPO. I O wats that last line rave emotional and mental Disso, those o married thirty, nine years, four children that I rage, sover, sevengrandchildren, some suppont on my own contribution.Most of the time I haven't done, necessar have drink orhave I had a drink sin January? Twenty nine teen, ND ighty one. I judge my that's my last rink, my mybottom bottom. I I take to be around Ecemertwenty fith nineteen, maybe about a ut before then we'll talk a little bitabout that, or at least I'll talk a little bit about that, and it's aprivilege for me to be here. I expose this is sort of like the usual suspectsin this group and H. I andit isn't always good for me to be inan alien, O privilence one of our masters figure in Anyi. Please excuse me, I'm just going totell my store hat's on my heart. You know I'm! Seventy one years old, I Kanwhen I was thirty one H, Ome January. If I make it I'm in my fortieth yearand H, if I was to try to tell you all E en yets about all the stories that Ihave than ive had before I got sober beforeI started drinking while I was drinking after I stuck stop drinken we'd, behere for six days, Andso I culdn possibly cover everything. My problem is always it's not ealaproblem, but uh. The difficulty is never about finding something to talkabout the difficulties always trying to figure out where to stop at what toleave out all my stories are like to be theyrelike children and grandchildren. They all every story. I have about my alcoholism,my selfishness, my sobriety, the people in my life, thefour sponsors and several metors that I've had every encounter. I've had andtried to either carrihis message O or grow up and become a man and h. An owhoxanamis is his prefious to MIT. So I could tell you maybe three or poorstories and they're all important and I'd have to leave that about o ehundred and seventy stories and e. like Hem, I feel like I'm LiatLeavin, my grand coken behind. So this is just my sore. It doesn'tAvfer your story, you don't have to get upset about it, but I've been known toupset people and make hem nervous and h I'near to confeerce ICURIN, who discurbthe CIM GIR Soan. I will suggest you, I say something that bothers you. Youknow just remember our spirit. Callapsin is whenever you disturbed andmatter what the cause there's something wrong with yoing. It's sort o like TeSpiritual Im. Our eye suffer. I say something: Topother You! You knowyoujust sont o check et out in Yosponse and write something, but you resendenlist, I'm not a lot of peoples esent the list and then you can do what mostpeople do semen year. O now say. I used to hag you, but now I love you, youknow and all that sort of stuff you're moving, I'm Gointo Cocka otabout God. I'm Aswell play that right now you O te big book. T Ave gothere'smy situation, my situation as I love lewcomers. I just ador e comes I youknow. The truth is I'Mlove with alcoholic of all shape and all SIZ. AllI did was hang around alcohol when I...

...was dhrinking and it seems all I'mdoing is hanging round Atchos when I'm not drunking. It seems like I'm hanging around thesame crazy people that I hung around befor, except I'm I drinkin Scotch anddrinking coffee and every once in a while. I get to say something thatmaybe help somebody or you know that kind of thing on our huntor road tohappy destiny. So I'm just got up Paclo, but what's happened is as yougrow older. I see there's some olsters on this yee and you grow older.Although I love unewcomers, I I tend to sponsor now work with now guys thathave over twenty or twenty five years or fifteen, or you know that kind ofthat have time, because it is possible, believe it ornot to have thirty years an IL, be happy with Yor Bo. You won't hear about those men to dabecause they really don't talk about it, but there are. There are people thatare in AA that have years of surpriding that aren't happened. They haven't beenthey're in the nondrinking club. I meanthey'l they'll pick up themedallion, but they have not trusted. They haven't been rocketed BEFORT CEmention of thisn they're, not experiencing much AF haven and uh. Youknow, as like, a giant toolboxes or wrench to put every nut that walks tothe door and- and it says in the Vig Book Plus We make this decision for Godand this a reasonabl make a decision for God above everything, we must get rid ofthe selfishness IC. She Amel wit. He he must, you know or well die, it'll killup and h. That makes that possible right, AFE that it says ONC. He, likethis decision to serious sincere decision, for God also is FomarkalThings Happen, tells me being all powerful. Ll Give me everything I needif I stay close to Hem and perform his work well, and I believe my calling, Ibelieve what God wants me to talk to most of the time any times as Nousomething called emotional surpribe. So most of my cost. Whenever I'm askedto talk, it's always about something like step: six or seven othe steps thatseparate the men o the boys apparently tear poason head. I think everybodystarts off as a boy and a a or girl and a all stare off they. I now that westop trinkand everything's going to be wonderful. Onlto discover that thedrinking is really just a sympom on disease. The real disease senses n ourmind on our body. The truth of the matter is the easiestthing I ever did in my life was givin up the drinker. Now I've got to tellyou at the time. I went to believe that and Tayby ore. My first ten years. Iwouldnt' believe that, but when I finally got to the point in mylife, were it became obvious to me that that that the drinking problem had beenresolved, that I'm a Recoverin appl I recovered from a hopeless state ofmindthe body I know that'slike, that's when you wake up in the morning you say I'mnot going to have a drink today and by five o'clock, your drunk. That's! WhenYOU WAKE UP THO MON AD, see I'm Nucki by WOS ODA by five o'clock. You look atthe guys mittals a border O yo can go down to the local obli supermarket and buy a gallon orhalf gallon bottle of Carlos Rossipiante and then sit by the recordplayer and play the same song over and over again some sort of alpy toon, likeonly the lonely R. I missed the blue was lunning on empty to think about heror them or whatever it is, and you do it over and over and over again, whenyou get to the point where you're drinking against your will wor you tellyourself, you got to stop Yo an you, can stop drigking, that's differentthan not being able to pay yourcellhone tol hat a different sort, a deal,that's a hopeless tate to mind the body. I I recovered from that h. You knowover thirty nine years ago and now...

...don't get me wrong. Just in TAE SOM apurest there. You know with the Plug Jug. I happen to believe that I bedrunk an hour after this meed. I mean I'm hoping that won't happen, but Idon't believe I B I I would never say nor have I ever Seid I'll, never drinkagain, and I always worry about people that tell me they're, never gong todrink, tenasout, ofslee, misunderstand what Palas this mean. There is one inmy life that has all power in that wit, God. He doesn't have like ninety fivepercent, an io five percent in one as all power, and that one is God i have afine Ta. I have to seek them and no human pin's going to give it to me andI'm not going to manage my way out of it. It my incredibly brilliant mind andbelieve me, unincredibly Eurpilian, if I do say so, Myself Butwhen, I was thesmartest guy in the world. It was the drunkest guy in the world. I'' heard alot of people. My problem is that no woman, no car, no sudoclothes, no job, no amount ofmoney ever worked quite as well, and quite as fast as just the future and H,and if I could drink alcohol today and have a dupe me Wal Gid, to me when Iwas twenty years old, I'd still be drinking. I, but alcohol doesn't workfor me anymore. The real sad news about my life as alcohol stopped working forme. Ahot ten years e proby relixe it Soe Man. I hurt a lot of people and and that's the deal and I came toacaut ononymous one of the consequences. My drinking came at me faster than myBil Olow. My stand. I had 't look on the Marr N. I say who am I kedding? Iwas thirty one years old. I thought my life was over. I thought it was nevergoing to be better again practicing Attorneya Dacouny I graduated IthThepon, telones and nothin out. I was going for my PhD, an algeraic apology.I decided t said to go to law school cause. I met a girll, a woman and I wasa regular lounge lizard. I was always lalk. Looking for the woman of Romance,I sol my problem and I'm O'm an if butter and I' I'm yesbutter and if oly and youdon't understand it r from the way back. You know, and all I do is think aboutlooing. I inin my life. You know, and I I tell myself many many times- I'm homesavhis in themselves. I Satei Oen one ofthe things I used to say myself as ifI'd only had every day of today, O eting. I only had this. I bean my wifeonly treated me differently. Migt, be OK, if only had a different girlfriend.I'd be OK. If I only had a new car I'd be okay and it was so. I can't explainto you how clear it was than when I decided that if I had sif,I only lived in California. I, the okay. If I only had a great job I'd be Oky,if I could only graduate lost te Li be okay. If I can only have my own lawFFIC, I be op TA. If I coan only GE a division, cheepless tey turns off sie.Okay, you know if I could only have this and if I could only have that D. Ican't explain to how absolutely clear it was to me that if I had these things,it would be OK in a nanowse. You know something I don't understand the firststep. I don't understand any of these steps, but I understand this: If onlyyou would treat me differently, if only the world was different, if only I hada million dollars, if only I had a I'll, tell you what one's just ad everysingle thing in the entire world. I be. Ok- and I spent all my time on thefirst thirty one years of my life looking seeking to grab andget those then so I was either trying to get those things or I was worriedabout losing those things where I's worried about. Why have those thingswher? I was inconbeing people that had those things I would do every anythingto get that thing. That would make me...

...feel ohead and won. Tell you something you knowthe interesting thing is one ofthe reasons I was addicted and I used the word to dig. I you know stand lateron. WWE START O. When I started talking about my Worldwi clamors, the retim wasaddicted t those things just because they wo the sex work. You know I meanyou know when you when you're latering up in a shower and all of a sudden, youca this voice and I would go with your drawn or silver ten or fifteen yearsober, when you're landing up in the shower and all of a sudden Goo thisvoice, the boy says: You're an Essol, you ought to kill yourself. You'relosin you'll never be up ter. Why you always Goi P, when you'reconstantly telling yourself Wen Eidiot, Youare and o Sonmore, and then you turnround the shower to see who's, saying that to you and there's nobody in theChiwdlood, but you a an Tas got invitation of what your reputation iswith yourself, Ol Miager said the book man Agaist Himself Talking Thaut o Hoin Nineteen Thirties, a IIT's a book really on suicide and set out al O men,women to who Ar Ow to destroy themselves. So, no matter how manyttimes, I tell myself that I'm the greatest and misunderstood that theydon't understand, I'm the smartest pretty much be done anside. I don'tbelieve I I'm worthy of even being alone, and so my whole life is isdesigned to compensate for the fact that I'm apience of crap, I talghtmyself Thenso, I well ACAHOSSI. They also supmise themselves, I'M ARATIALIZ! I Tel myself ratioalize.One of my gave lies is I D: Do a Crak another people think about Hem. I'vebeen nont, actually say that alow t other people. I have been Kno to Nowoy,say thats on my sub all te time, io epob, othe people, think about me. I say it to other people. I sa Croptethink about me when you Olemly, learn Yold, you getan ahead. As you see whatthe true bondages and what the real problem is we awfully learn is thatpeople that really don't care? What other people think about it? People that have have that new freedom,that new happiness and have lost a concern about otherpeople and far of other people, people who have that they don't keep ontelling themselves the T ey, don't care what other people think bof themselves.They say things like CASS US oft. They don't say that yet n, the only peoplethat say I don't care when other people think about 'em. Are People thearetrying to convince themselves that they actually don't care? What other peoplethink about 'em when actually the whole lives an spending money, they don'thave to buyshit. They don't need to impress people Ininin, O life, it'sjust a constant batt to somehow prove nor wordy to the world, and so thetruth is. I it had it had less to do with alcohol and more to do with tryingto find whatever it is. I have to fry to make myself okay caus. Whenever Isaid to myself, if I only had that woman or if I only had sex or inly hadromance o Holly had cribe. Ok, but I didn't realize is: I was actally deeingto myself, you're, not o e you're, not oke, and when you live whenyou live alive, where you're Pomsaly reteating to yourself that you're notOky what happens and you're looking to makeyourself, ok and then all of a sudden you take a couple of dregs and Yourocan an AO second N. I started drink it and, of course,what happens with people like us, because I don' Know Sai Tenmicon Bobalance. I don't care. I've met many people in my life that are not outhehawks that have shall we say alcoholic personalities. I mean I recognize Yo know I hear t I hear out your guysay something like you don't know who ou're dealing with Li e hed there yougo ot, Comin, Hes, a drinker ARD, not you've got that personality going. Youknow, you don't know who you're dealing withO Shon Gou at oe Te Crom an I go, O dreadit or not. You got the sameproblem. I got you know, but I'm...

...fortunate B'cause, I'm an alcohol, so Iget to have fellowship N. I ges have it way out. You know that person may neverfind the way out and the booline is so I I when I start drinking you know I Idevelop the addition and the obsession in the ligfestyle of the alcoholic youknow are like sylad. I Fon in love, woth that whole shit and I heart a lotof people and I'm not going to go into a Drunka log and you'll just have thetust. The fact that I am an OUTCO and I finally jumk myself out of the marriageand I heart a lot of people and I levt beautiful house and just washedeverything down the window down the toilet. I was going to be Yuh. Idecided I was going to be the U Heatner of Miami and H and h, because it's a bad racon,tisunderstandings ha ever work out to me. I see one's laughing, he doesn'tknow when to fly it's a bad situation. You know, but the bottom line is: Isthat UH TAT? I wound up at thirty one years ofage, and I was on the balls of my ass and Ih'd finally gone to a H. I realized that I had a drinkingproblem somewhere along the road a few months before December nineteen.Eighty, I realized that I had a Drinken promic and STOPPD drinking, but Ifinally got to the point in my life where I gave up, I just gave up. I saidI'm never de socfre and my life is over I'm thirty one years old, there's no way I could tot. I had triedso much and then I went to a notae Wen, which sort of like a party on Christmasev and with some go and AH- and so I I went there and I got kicked out of because I was adrunk and I wound up alone in my quoth Bachlo pad on the Earsin, all alone atoafomoring, I turned on the BB said and H. Andi was pretty despondent becaon how Ihalg so I'm also a self pitioholic and h didn't take much to make me feelsorry for myself. I can tell you that, and I turned on TV said there was acreature on and he was the Gospel Message and he was. He wasdoing imtro testimony, I'm a sucker for testimony. I wilt, listen to you F, youprec hat, but you tell me this is what was happening to me. ND, I don't carewhether it's creacher when alcohol you's, nottalling me about yourself. You start saying this is what my life was likeiswhat happened to me an this is when I'm like. Now you you're throwing alittle testimony I'll, listen to you oky. I just solt want people preachingat me because I'm a true Ho e Oma piece of shit sor. If you're talking to me,if you're tryng, to help me, I automatically think you're talking downto me e, you be your better than in your heart. You may be trying to give Ithe truth that you maybe trying to help me, but if you're in alcoholic andanybody's talking to you, you feel so crabby about yourself. You honestlyfeel that they're talking down to o when they think te better toou. So youdon't find any of that stuff, but this Uy didn't do it that way. He did it hand he wasn't doing like a twelve step in the sed sat. It was an alcoholicwhen he was facially telling about how R Crommin his life was and how he foundthe word and all sort of STOFP and said. If you want to be free, you want tochange you line and says Yow GET ONU s an sin. GRANI got on Hinnes and saidthe senters Prarairin and in at a second I didn't argue, I didn'tsablewhat if bad things happen to good people? I I did'n go in all the stuffand believe me, God was not a part of my life at all. You know a I mean ithad nothing to do, ith geany later or having a romance or getting money, oranything like that. So it was at part of my life, and so is my lof is about chasing thethings of this world. The worlde clamber, so I'e got on my knees. I said to Senispray. I cepte Jesu to my life, which is not a big deal, made ye guys o FerJewishkin from Cin that the York was a...

...big deal, an I gess Shd to be there.Sometimes you got I never my FOC Shud, one of my fat Sai say never rob an outof of his first of his last Drin. Every alholl passed out has last Tringk, and I think I was just at that point. I haddragged myself into the point where I became entirely ready Av God removedthe alcohol from me. I had drank myself to the poor, where I cam tighly ready.It says in our Book Sans He ear there once in a while. I thot drown, Boll Sake, fol, better,look, better haven, a better time once he get solber. He says he laughs S,Salad. You know he's trying the old litte ty the old game again, but he'snot happy with his sobratesoon. No Loneliness Yo do o be a big jumping ofplace. I was at the jumping off place and you know people askd me: Howy Hav Havyou hit bottom oeo jevenol placee Hay drink, go, get there, N Yoont get there. O worry tise on. I don't knowhow I can tell you is I don't know how to do h. The only a at the first stepis. I drank, I don't know how I don't know how to do the only way. I not I'lltell you what I did. I drank and H. I ho I have nothing against acool wos PRA.I wouldn't be here matter of fact. Alcohol is the only police force wehave eoug Ong, O o only plase. For us we have no police forse an a a it'slike a suffling nuter ofn. Every year alcohol comes through and wipes out allthe bullshit artist and everybody t a that's, not goin to ride Verer Woll,all the Aragant, guys, all the markers, all the laughers all read all the guys.It just Mikes Hem out, you know and sort of purifies the Brat you know andthe only hit's left ar people that are. You know really trying to do this thing.You know es a Rocall. I have no idea whit this place to look Luk with a lite Bok but cause I have no problem. T theahoandsoon any event, as I said, that's what was my lowestpoint. I didn't think now I got down on my knees. It was. It was Christmasmorning at three o'clock in the morning. Nineteen eighty nothing spectacularhappen to ravize repriest and come runnn into my room. Dumking Don. U Sane,Hey! We got an amy down here. You know I just went to sleep and actually Icontinued to drink. I didn't S, I didn't really think anything happend,but a month later I got into a ber coad car accident and,as was will be ieled into the hospital on the certy with the head enjury I looked up and- and I said God help me and somethinghappened. I had A. I had a spiritual experience which I dont talk about alot. I know a lot of people don't have spitual experiences. I know some peopledo, but I had a an experience. I can tell you what it was an ato second orwhen it was a minute or whatever it is, but it was Ocalle an out of bodyexperience whatever you want to call. I and I know the Possa Paul Cosse ot hisspiritual experience on the road of Mascus, but I had an experience.Nothing happened and my last friend was Jnuare Twenty nineteen, eighty one andI my first ponsh ended up. The person came o. He sponsor Bob Sullomon ended up coming to endid. U Cominto myhosial room and talkd. To me, my last Trik was one of my shraken. Buddiescame to my hospital bet and we had a cold can of cord beer, and I drank thatup like five seconds and h. That was my last Treid so far, and I absolutelybelieved that I could be drunken an hour after the SEO heas. I don't have etoof that yea, you know my my only the only power I have ciing to bebook andaccording to my lit personal experience, is the power that I'm giving Heur labto have as long as I fous on God and make him the number one thecentral fackon my life soon any me so I i Bob ecame, my per sponsor and so I'm sort ofGointo try to take iu through Mysorit up Tocamo Cindaa pick op, whiteship and,and I pretty much naded by the number...

...and Um you know I pretty much Stetifi thenumbers. Nobody does it perfectly, but I pretty much uh know all my spie came in and Uh of course, once I don't Koae done,Somtesse ovene once you'v stopped drinking, you know you now whenyoucan't stop drinking and then alsot. One day, two days five days a week, Ayou gowithout Treasur that CET shit, H justit was a petty, wonderful,Experienc, Ili and, and I guesse when I when I first am Ta Ouohave, you noticedTatn a they talk a lot about drinking Hav. You noticed that I notie Thattheytalkd a wot about tri. They would say things like don't train and go to Mu.As a matter of fact, it seems Tho Ma that the only thing I ever heard, Durinthe first six month was old. Drak an go. I Rear Tes, I fil trivy, but gas callson. I heard things like nothing. No thing is so bad that a drink can makeit worse. You know something they were handing out. Fo dallions you don't MaAnin ot for for not drink it. You would get U Lik in award. Po would clack foryou for not drinking. You know, God you would stand up and I said I'd just reatthree chickens and Anun e SA, but you haven't had a drink ou. He says noyou're a winner. You know what I mean. It's like it doesn't even matter it.All's like a giant, a dranking cluck. It was great and I'm hanging aroundwith all the people that used to drink Wen, the i's the most marvelous thingin the world, O Hem Nin that hole they were talking about,not drinking. You want to know something for many people, n they a o.They have thirty years. They think that's the only thing it be talking Oter. They think that's what I is all about a sad situation somewhere aroundthree months. I don't know how long it takes two months tree month somewhere around three Mil. I sponsoredDon in Tommy and Tomi, and I was a division chiefs in the sit attorneysaffce together and H, proscuters and H, ane, tens,atgether and H. Tomny was came in three years after me and he's got Mi on truthfor thee five years. Thirty six years wribing, I don't know and H, but anevenTommy had his hare all the way down here and I wassleeping on the floor.POVATION auters, H, o apartment and he called me up and hesaid to MEA. This is after three months obriety. He to we rate, and he calledme up, and he said to me in a very low vwaiste is which says te says Russa. Hesaid I have to Lev. I have to leave Ofaso, so I said toTomlme what you talking about think. I have to lead Acahal anonus as a ton, acrazy love, alcohol, O o. As I must succeed, Ou'Rin anyorhe was like an AAonder CIMG day a he cut his hair. He was like the old Tommy get. He was ajob. You know he got back into the courtroom he was do. I said you loveAlhol Anem. I said you were strung out on coqine a Goyoue e livingonpormatioone floor. You Lada says I know I know elieve myself like Wany, O eas RalselEsasmisus Rossell. I don't think I'm an alcohol to turn out ohole. You were drunk you,Har Cookan, Droi, er E. No, I haven't a drink through Mucon thelism listens,missus Russlis's. I think I might just be crazy Tom Sas. Well, he SAS COMOLISTES isones ' ton. You could be o you canbe and crazy, really, absolutely O. ThankGod. I don't have to Leve a a because my I'm crazy. You know, and- and Idon't know how long it took you...

...or even you if you realize it yet itrealize that you're crazy to realize that you are, you arecertifiably insaing. I know that the second step says hat. We come to believe that higher power whoen we store us to Sadit ifrankly. I don't think I everunderstood t a what they were really trying to tell me is that I was Imsanecaus. I didn't think I was insane. I thought T as pretty much norm. Oftayyou migt be sover a long time to figure out how w an crazy you are. You knowand- and you know the thoughts, the craziness you know and n the other problem is Ion Tho, bigwoin. I guess this is why God creates sponsors, is the big poot puts it insuch terms that are so digestable for Acaholit, it's so nice, it's almostlike poetry, I'll give an example. The Big Bos is notg, it's all bat andswitch they just Li Ya. I mean in the seventh and the sevent step of thetwelve and twelve hand says we don't want to deprecate material things. Wedon't want to put down material things. Well that pretty much my whole life ismaterial things he says, and then they go on o like three sentences later, butno alcoholic ever made a worse deal of looking for money, power and Romance. Imean at first they tell you they don't want to put it down and before younoticed they're saying God has to be come. Secal fact of your life. Ut can'tbe tays job and no job wife Ar a Perye. You Come Dan say, go worry about theGod thing, and then you read the book and it's all the codten. I mean I'll. Give me n example: There'sthere'sappoartment of bookward as our real promlise that we're selfish andwithself center and were driven my a hundredforms offear so pity of polusion. We step on thetoes of others and they recalliate seeingly without provocation. But wealse learn that we made decisions based UPONSELF, which puts us in a positionto be heard so now Faho itself will run riot, so e usually doesn't think so. Sothat's what they say the big book. That's the real probom. Okay. So IIAMSO. This is the way my sponsor put it to me. They explainen it toe. Hesaid Russel what they'r trying to say you don't Giv a shit about anybodyexcept yourself and one of them that sort of clear things up for Y UNTAN.What I'm saying I mean Yoo, is you know it's a good co Te. There's the book apolsnamisis like the Good Ca.You can read it you can be. You can be sort of like it'll. Lift you up. It'll.Make you feel good and you'll say yeah, that's me, but you don't quite reallyget the full picture until you until you start dealing with the bageries oflife, the handtohand compet Comban to life and hopefully have a sponsor thatisn't scared to say, listen, stupid. This is what the real problem is it wanthe can stark rely, because if you don't learn about hoism from yoursponsor or somebody who doesn't really care, whether you like them or not,this one B, who says NC in Atollin alcohol icepts, is alcoholism in allconsequencen. His sobrieill be precariousof, Toanis, O no none at alland one of the conseents being in Olhol is. We are also, please accept me, aHoli, please love meaholic, don't get mad in Mehold, we're so worried aboutwhat other people think about us, and because of that you know some sponsorsand some people. They just don't want to tell you the truth, 'cause. It mighthurk your feelings and unfortunately, for a guy like me, the way I get in theperspective, my repeat, humiliation, Tso final, crushing of MyselfSufdicioni. The Way I get a new perspective is when bad things happento me and I get hurt and yeat he only...

...heapen to by for, and somebody says, Tme Juswhat you real problem is Bi Shok, Yonsimi'm saying so, so I had a sponsorwhere he loved me so much. He was willing to have me hate him and notlike him. He was willing to tell me the truth and the truth is even though, ifI would get mad at him, I would eventually come back 'cause. I saw inEco because if you told me the truth, ind such a way, even if it hurt myfeelings, I mee be Donsie- was tellng me the trith and I e loved it, and Ineeded somebody to tell tme the truth and the bottom wine is that I don'tknow how old you were, how long Youw're an ag before you realized that just bydrinking, I guess I came to aim, but now that I'm not drinking, I got amonth. I got three months. Everything was going to be onfol and that's whenthe fun began, because Unfort, I think quite frankly, nathough our big book iswonteful. You can read, there's there's great mind that I, like it says, AmaniCul, look at something nine hundred and ninety nine time and not see it andlook at it for the thousand time and see it for the first time and P sll hasline, he says wo will not. We will not cease our exploration and will wefirnally get to the to the end of our e, exploring notle come to the place thathe began, having known the place for the first time and the truth of Mi, the matter is which ul matter is mywhole. A experience has been has been slowly having things like O cristmentes, thirteen that theysaid were absolutely essential. The old times ITSAS t says he seek Tho a glass darkly. When I came an AA, I had such a limitedunderstanding. I could read the People Sixteen Times O holy. I could only takehim and digest that which I could take in the digest. There were things in thebig book that I read Fifty Thousand Times that I didn't really understandor see how it had to do with my life until I was nine years so I mean therewere things lake her when I first am day. All I heard about was not drinking,not drinking, not trinking. Five years later, I'm not even hearing about notdrinking I'm hearing about God and Tesemat I'm hearing about differentthings at different times. When I got ready to receive those things you nowlisten. I gave up alcohol because I was crushed by alcohol. W you got to becrushed to give up the apple. You got to be crushed to give out o womanizingyouve got to be crushed to give up the greed you gotto be crow. There's morecrushing coming down the Road Youe got to realize the value of suffering an ot,often onen and Younow, something thank God. IHAD OU I had sponcers thatarewilling to crush me as Y, accept the prushing of sponsors and the crushingof people that love you in Aa, lete talike as a humbly experience better,be prushed in AA. Vice sponsor whos trying to help you than crushd by thepolice or crest by a lawsuit or crushed by the wor or Prush by cancer or crest,by to suff that liny bew to be crushed out there, and I came into Ahalx,ynonymous and H, and I'm going to tell just acouple of stories. You know real bask about some sponsans I had had forPonces. You know because they're all temporary, a so Uin Li temporay sponsan they die onion in a manter, very close mentored rail peep, wit,Wonderful Guy and my first pons was Bob Soll of the Gu who spoke me. He was mysponsible that eight or Ninen years and then he died of panthand. He had aboutseventeen eighteen years and I have some Marbelo sores about him. I wassupposed to be sponsored like Jesus or how Tu Iamsin, I told I was. I would all these advanced degrees and everygoke that and the vision cheap in the states. Chanedog many years by the time, its twenty seven. I tried already like twenty onemurder bases and H, and I was supposed is it was ow that in stoppcause I knewone thing about myself. I maybe be worthless, but I was the smartest guyin the room and usually the guys who ad. Unfortunately, they gave me a used carsalesan they're di to graduate to Sixth Grad and UH, and I remember one time he was sittingto my office and in my office I have...

...about literally fifteen to twentydegrees from all over the place and testing to the fact that I've beeneducated. Far Beyond my capacity onte Sane Daty Thi and I looked at Bob- andI said Bob these- and I pointed on, is if these are my degrees and Bob lookedat me without missing a beat and said well Yo, no rus reckle tomanters atgree. You know what they do with those. So that's pretty much you ide of thekind of guys I las ponsored. I on tell Yo. You know it's so funny, because I,I think of things that happened today, wit. What happened happened in my lifewhen I was first getting solver Al Long, my sobriety and I actually look at itdifferently. Now I mean you would expect that I've changed. You know inthe last thirty nine years, I've changed m. The way I look at thit isthe way I deal with things wher. I understand things has changed for meand and so I I colld the same stories. The stories haven't changed, but myinside into the STORI's chape one of one of the stories that I've always ithought was amazing and reallyinteresting stories. Itsoman people ith er returning points is during my firsttim, Mont or two. You know and I had a wifeatd a child and housand and I've always had money. I've always had my problems.Ifh Money Yo know mean because apparently I learned this when I wasnine years ober. This is advanced ter by the AMI Giti. When I was nine yearsOber. My sponsor Jost neidertime told me this 'cause, I eae said RusselECAUSE. I was always making big money and I was always broke and and mustmyAUC said, listen Russe. He says when you spend more money than you make yougo into Deadh Idyo guy sow that I didn't know that Iwas an apar. I didn't know that it doesn't matter if you make two hundredthousand dollars a year. If you spend three hundred thousand, you go and youhave money proms. I didn't know that you know and it's EMUSIC s this Iscrap,you learn advance tet stuff, like nine or ten years down the road. You knowyou know why you're worried about because you can't live within yourmeans. You know why, because you feel like you're so so worthless, you'reconstanty, buying stuff to make yourself feel good, because you can'tTrink Scotch, so you might as well drop by your new Blouse Wat. U You know whatI mean you can't treat Sott, so you might as well go on vacation. You mightas well just by stuff and make yourself feel like you're, something you knowwhat I mean. I didn't know act. You know, and I mean how many times do youhave to go onto dead into bankruptcy and everything to get to be crashed toget back to figure that stuff out and then, when you figure that out youknowts like drinking, I got to stop drinking and then five years later youfinally do something about it. I mean I'll, tell Yo, you know you know. Yoknow you know what I've learned you N W learn. I learned drinking is but asimple of the disease. It's not even a disease itshe, my real diseage centers.In my mind, N my body and so I was broke. I had about three months I wasbroke. I was two months behind to my mortgage and I was- and I was you know it was Icouldn't I couldn't sleep, ai I'd, wake up, three block: Mornin Inder, thymoney, Likhi Wai, Wen ornn. I think about my Checkbuk, I think about boundson my Chacko. You know I would just all do the day, a'd Thinkin, about how muchmoney I have in my Checko, all thou that then I a think about my bills. Istart adding up my deals. You know something I'd ad em up during the day:Twenty three times it. Never the number never changed. You know it never hadnever changed. You know no matter how many times I added up the bills andthen decected thumb the number never changed. It was driving me crazy.Apparently, after you get sober, you got TA handle light sober without a drink d. You know, youknow something. The Mortgage Company did not write me. A Lemin, SaingRonsoly know your sover and we know you...

...have a wife and kid, and I just want tolet you know that you don't have to pay your Ma, morgage anyymore, becausethat's just the way we treat soter people and there were people onapparamen. Nobody had gone the message to the people on the steep 'cause.There were people that actually cut me off in traffic, and I had thisimaginary machine gun where I would bow them Iwas from all our familis AFORT,because if you get in my way you you deserve the death tow. There ain't noprovay, so you guys Ar u you'R lauging Ou onit's, like you, don't know whatit's like to murder. People in your mind, was murdering wo thousand andthirty Arion probation. I murder you, then you were blodering me or you er,pleasant problems in my life or you Wald, threatening me. I killed you thanI resurrected. You I killed you again. I told you different ways. You had asuffered before you died and I was a practicing atourneyin ai wasn't doingtoo well, you know what I mean and I was sober. They were handing memedallions, you know so I I th there might have been grave emotiona andmental disorders going on there. I was not a happy campe. You know what I mean.You know. I love to hear about all this Uh. These promises things I didn't have oneof those promises are I've been having so I'm broked, I'm worried. You know it'scausn alsos of problems, Ye halimitate. There, ain't no fear like so Berhiy.there. Ain't no fear like three o'clock in the morning, sover fer. I can tellyou that, and I know what kind of Alholim you had, but I wasn't tellinganybody bony in my group. I wasn't sharing this stuff because Hego ell those people, I don't- have anymoney and I can tell them that Rop oe. What are we going to think not gon togive a ship? You know what I mean, but but I mean what are they going to take?You know if I tell hem that stuff and Andso it's just chilling me inside. SoI forget, I tell my sparms for Bob. I Tel my sponsor Bob. That's what youtell sponswar, probably give me what couple of thousand bucks you know whatI mean. So I went up to bob and I explained t hin the whole story. Iexplained to him why I was upset. I was A. I couldn't get to sleep until Cras,ie money I' on te mornage. You listen to the whole thing and said you knowRus thk. I understand what you're sayin. Ithink I got the solution. Elinces I said Reallyhi is absolutely as it Ohe what's Tho solution. He says. Ithink it's about time. RT, ANOFOR, rup Ani was talking about real ship money.You know what I mean: it's not important. It's just right up therewith oxygen. You talk about making Possa to go by, becase is conversation and WIS ES. Now the we oe I looked atthen Ow, I insantwhen you are insane when you live a life. That's insanewhen your mind in your perspective is insafe. Then you come into aand. Youmeet people who are same or same what's going to happen. Is this? If youare desponsible is sane an you are inse, but you don't think you're insane,because you think you're Oky ecause. If you' told that story everybody in theBar, they would understand what the problem is. Oday, everybody, the wholeworld don sense. The problem is when you come into Halfos andones- and youtold this story to one of these insane alcohols wit fifteen years and trust meif you tell you're, what's bothering you to analcohol who's Sane in e Ho's, going to tell you something, that's going tosound Supid Yn, it's going to sound stupid, so OICA. What the deal is, ifthis is the Trik, is wit e Brainwashin. I I know he wasn't giving me the answer.I new was insane. He said it's Athat time to start making call through thegroup, but I so much did't wane. What the Onling that saved me is more thananything I didn't want to drink, and I...

...only hadn't had o drink in three months,and I knew it ha something to do with him and following directions which Iolk dont do 'cause our chiefcharcteristic is is tefiance. Soevery time I tell him something o tell me something stupid and I would do itand I wouldn't drink so e sayg. I think it's about time you mad coffyo Bor, theGROV which didn't solve my problem, but he walks over the coffee pot and Istart following him: doesn't sound like a big deal right? Istarted following him. He saw showing me how to measure out the coffee Iwatched them. He said: Well, you Gen do that tomorrow. I said: okay, fine and Iwent home and the next day I didn't want to go to the meetning. You knowwhy I didn't want to go ecause. I was depressed o ever. Have anybody say toyou, you know wh, I didn't go 'cause. I wasn't feeling good. I was kind ofdepressed, you know like it. I Wane O mean 'cause, no money had come it and Iwus depressed. You know what I mean, but I had listened, but I had to go tothe meeting because I had to make the flipping coffee. So I went to themeeting I make the coffee ear. Me was good men. I thought het better. I Maethe COO three months. I don't know what happened. The money came in, everythingwas okay, some guy came up to me after a twew months and said I'll make thecartor the GROOP. I Sayi'm the coffee maker who the hell of pointed you. Youknow what do you think you I mad' coon that COK for eighteen months. I was inarellite for like eight years and you know here's the problem. They tell youstupid things stoop. I I said to my sotch. I said I know what you're tryingto do you're trying to Brainwashin. They tell you to pray, they tell you toget o e e. They tell Yo Ili and I said I know you're trying to brainwash mesiell. Maybe your Bran neas wash and somewhat happens as you wan in to thesedifferent sponshors and et incredible men that you might tell me stupid,stuff, stopin stuff, stop it Stuf and then one day you wake up in your twentyfive years: Ober and and you're stupid and you're still good, but you're happies shit. The problem is,is every time you follow your brain, you get slamned and everytime. You dothe stupid stuff! Everything works out, soy o doing the stupid, Stup Stilo,stop stooping, stuf and pen Bak yourselber, all of a sudden, you'vegone stopid and you're saying the same stuff, butnow it's too late because nhow stupid has become second nature. Now now it'snot even a matter of doing the stat you're, not even doing the set whereyou were first, they were all weird and they were all counteringtothe. Oh Ijust tad a third step Ol I just turned it ov or that was a wordstep Ol. I justdid a ten step wo. I justed a seven als. It's all weird and stupid, an evidentit's like wax on an blacksal laps on blacksof. It's all! It's all strangeand different. You know you're doing it. Iu've been around twenty five years,you're, not even doing this step, you're just living your flipping life you're, just living you're, just Livinthe steps you know, you're, not even turning your life over to daugheranymore. You live in a turnoverlight, you wake up in the morning. Thinkingabout Tad. You know the praying about God, your onthe only thing you think about in your corn or listening to him you're goingto church, because ththey said we encourage church membership. You're notworried about this stuff that it sens in the big book the loopholes wherethey say most of US encurrent most of us go to church. We encurage for EHmembership, you're doinder, Casaik sand, that's whet! Most of them do you're,not looking at the part in the book where it says it's, not obligatorythereare, some aops, I say: Well, I don't have to do it. No goo on't haveto do it. The found is just SAI. We encourage it. 'cause most of us go I'mgoing to go with them. You know what I mean because I want to be. I don't wantto be one of the boards. I want to be a man because I get to the point where Ibecome ready that God remove all these defectsive character. All of a sudden,I want him to be the central tact in my life. I WANT TO BE CONVINCED AD Livs inmy heart, O Min whichthey, be miraculous according to the great factit says it says. The great fact in are those things that God's got co comeanother one thing in my life more for...

...an Enen, I god become convinced. My Bathas been so strong that it's still this then he's going to do for me when I canto price up. Otherwise I make me convinced that if I don't have thatwoman I'll be okay or if I don't have that car maybe tbecause the problem isI got this world coming at me. Twenty four, seven! With all these statements,I turn on E T V and I see these TV programs. I these commercials, designedto tell me down my piece of crap if I'm Mig Take Im but give I Avran Ha' sexsix times a week when I'm seventy years old. You know what I mean and I'mliable to buy into that bullshit young stonor saying and then I I'll lose myserenity. Unless I make God the Nub. One thing in my life, which is the onlything that's going to provect this girl from killing me and dealing with thereal alpolism, is which is the addiction to the things of this worldand thattedeal, and so I have to end upot doing this thing and doing thisthing before I know it they rainwash me. I've become totallybrainwashed, but it's too late by an bcause, I'mfeeling too good and I'm being rocking the forth tomention existence and I'Astrang too much of heaven and I lose a fear of people quicis. I lose a FEREECONOMICAN security. I go up to rail, keep you know, and I tell Hem I said:When am I going to have ack have nine years sober and I broke again and I'msaying the IRS is coming after me. I'm saying what am I going to haveeconommen scuriis is what o you, though Herabot Yo said what am I going to makethe money? I said I eoe doing this for nine years. I was I did the ENO Bankuotfor two years and sparcing ten million people and speaking all over t the deal.You know I'm not doing this, I'm doing that. I'm doing everything and o I'mdoing everything in alhoononamous. I said I'm an a journey. I'm broke again.When am I when am I goin? When am I going to have Lakin Ou of stre? What amI n? What am I going to have the money and everything like that? He says whatare you talking about? I said the promise. The promise I mean I've dothis for nine years, the promais he says in still eraces I'm s er, thatCoten Aceot en security, I'm stillin secure what I story says they don'tpromise you ut. Yes, they Crou, they all CRI said they dont pro. Yes, theypromise me that he says reee Toman. I open up the book I bin to Consist Ferof people an ECONOM. By the way the Economim Trea was really cer, O peopleecause. I could promise you every time I thought about losing my car or losingmy house right behind. That was what what areyou going to think about me? What Hif you learn thing about me if I'd go backwel what ee Oan to think about every ragget, not how to give a shit. Whatother people think about me? You know, but the bottom line is so so here's adeal, I'm S, Ow, Reis, O fear of people and of Economic Segurty, will read. Youand KP looks at me and says: That's right, the fear will leave you. He saysRussell. You will always be grown. What I will bother you isaidthe moreinsanity, some more craziness, you know and you're so right to my my sponsojoseNeiter Than Im, I'm leaving my wife after ten years or whatever. It isbecause she doesn't Rea Malionno and she ues an Alan on er reads ofprofessional revenge. You know how they are. You know whenshe doesn't Elem on Tesstuf when I'm wrong, she probably admists it and theborline. So Shee we had a big fire pin and that tha was it. I didn't sign upfor this bulshit. You know on how did it his marriage is oner and uh? I Calleit. My sponsor joid, an I Sait D. Listen Don Divorces Na reches will tellme what happened. I tell him the whole story. I spend twenty minutes. I toldhim everything she said everything I said trustmen. I was wrong. I was soright. I was outan right. If you disrive me after Di, is yourselfflipping stupid. You know what I mean. I was so right. She was so wrong, youknow, and that was the end of it. I mean the marriage is over. So he saysto me that he says after I'm done ex PLEN It to im. Hesays to MES, I'm I'm on to WOC. He says...

...its onsistobe this and I'm non yournine year. Tenyor SOM osist me so rassel. He says why are you upset? I don't realize I'm insane could t makesense to Min Soi doing with one of these insane stupid. I always wassponsored by my by people by men who were stupid. They were stupid. I Don'know Ohow, I explained it. I always got sponsored by stupid men. They had a lotof sprine, but they were stupid and they just didn't understand, and I Itold him I sd. He said why are you upset? I said what do HEU mean why yousaid a a Jo I just I just. I just told youfor H last twenty minutes exactly what she did and exactly what she said. IIS Erya. Iknow h why Yo obset Somhad I'm upsetyo I'et because of what she said and didyou know he looks at me, Andye see Weis Mehe says: That's not why you're said I don't know about you, but I'm at otwalk. I know exactly why I'm up there I'll tell whom some people, I am upsedI'll, go to an aming ton. Why I'm upset I'll I'll? Stop you on the street. Ifyou don't even know me I'll, say: You'll blieve Wat, my wife just ditamen.I I. If there's anything I know I mean not know much, but I know why a'm upset.So he says: That's OWYOSET ISAID A of absence. That's not why Ou said when I just told you that Somi am upsetN, that', O youmthat's. Not Why you're set noeverything. That's not why you'RE UPSET THAT'S RUSSELL! That's not why you'resat an he shut up an say anything else. It was a poo happy, ed, nothing elsegoing on. I said you mean to tell me I said yousaid Russell. That is not why you're upset it was a quiet silence, and so then I said the husband. You know why IM upset said ASEAN,awiesad hat you know Wy. I am upset Clar Clair. I know exactly why you'reso hen shut up, I said well. Are you goingto tell me why I'm upset he says I give Mo the verbigum conversation? Are yougoing to tell me why I'm upset and he says? Well, you really want to know. Well, ofcourse I want to know. I won ner. Why m? I have sete says this. The xact word hesays: Listen, stupid, you're upset because you're upsetable Zenaa almost because I'm uset o o so paently. He was trying to tell me ut. Iknow you're cin to find this hard to believe it isn't amazing. There are people in Ay that are sostupid so and they have usually a lot of years cause. They got this like aalsithat, the wines concadat t, then Maerntoaeiita Tinthin, registeris, Liedefinis or somethingwhere they don't hear. Ninety five percent of the shit that's actuallygoing on around them. A very scary thing. You know, I think, what ifyou're an alcohol. I am aware of every look. You know I went eway Umlike, thetwo psychiatrists apast each other in the hall. One says hello, the other onesays I wonder what he meant by that I am onysing Roggige of others, fancy Tor real. I am on top of every newonce's. Every look everything people said I tikship. Personally, you know what I mean...

...gause, it's directed to me. You knowwhat I mean and the byines. Apparently, what happens in a is. It makes you sostupid. You can be in a situation of people whodoing all sors of stupid things that bad things and it doesn't even botheryou 'cause t it somehow its II ithis coato spiritual flaw. You know on youand you know, and somehow it doesn't bother you and H, and so I get Guyes hthat tell me all the time Togo divorce, the wive cause o this Avisibli onyou're married. That's what they do. You know: Yo, probably have't, she's,probably realizing that she's having a bad life. Ut She's married fo, you sowat' the big deal to worry about. You know o home and eat dinner. Om, try tobe Nice, o what you telk me, O, listen I'll, say what I do. I just gee guilty.You know what I mean and sa what' so straight to the sensentit. You knowwhat I mean. I mean I o 'T. I don't go to trial, I'm going to trial, justyou'll be so what's what's the judgment of the COR, a new glass? You got it.You know what I mean and that's t that's the deal. So then I had by I'm gong to s I'll justdo a fun O stor I mean I got some restored. Il Do O emon the rappit up know with on Croee call too long ago I MIT my firstPas die my second FAC. He died. Wonderful men, I've always had men inmy life and I have one now, but I've wandered what they had. You know it wasnotth deal you gotto want somepeople coming here. They just won what theyhad o Theha men in my Lo Wen. They had it. So I decided gone to a viva studywhen I was ninetend ten years. Sover in thats whole store on that, because Iwas still I was ten or eleven years over and I wanted more, I learted toincrease my conscionce Gotacton by God, Wen somebody suggested to me. I said noBECOS. I was worried about what I wit, whatpeople n a would think about me. You see one of t e things, I'm not going toget to do a long thing on this. For one thing s that a happens in AA eightyyears down the road. It's Ie, you place game telephone. If you read a littlebit about the history, tere doctem Bob Goldhoder, an Onstan where it came fromwhat torism what they were doing in the beginning. There's a clear indicationof you go to eig now that somehow got as bad and Talkin I've got a bed.andevery newcomer gets the feeling that nobody inawill her bout, Ye, fathered,OT, dog and since most as are scared of what oher people think about hem andthey really want to vaime any possibility of people. PALKING IOUTBeyind, their back 'cause, that's Parpar otheweaewhat happens is ifsomebody saw them cassize in somebody or in some lake in the case that God isbad and someone tries to Les Al Ot on Gods. Sidection, you know, he'll beThacteoso, says Miracoto cmorals that are lost en of white would help esel ora long time go didn't help him. In you know, good early direction was a merepot o morals. You know the Bat Comman Ner for themorrow, the next RitetanMaorcoemall. He says we had to have the power. We were powous so that Maeha Talabout God at Sas here cause where alcoholc spoke, Craz an say, this o'thinking as to an Unterstopping Textbook Aastetban God we havther big,Bok sort in rite. The BIG BOK says. That means we have to talk about God.Alcohols are notgin to like it. They take a stand on aviism in and Adnosticism, and this is what theysay. This sort of thinking has te abandon God eiter es Orvis. What yourdecision going to be make a decision. For God it says: There's no middl theroad solution, there's! No! I want to be, I want to e Jesus and I want to beWyou. Havner too. You know what I mean I wan I wan. I want to go holpep and Iwan't spiritual and everything like that. But I'd like to have a lot ofmoney. It doesn't work that way. You know what I mean it don't work. Okay,see wayour relation. That Im is right and great men will come to her feancount ones. Oher I mean you can go al through the book visit. Weve, neverapcalled. You know they say twice. We never apologize for God. You know whatthey say: Christ, because alcohos on apologize, everything every time theygo meand they mentioned God. They want...

...wall. Collegi says never apologize herfor Pata Bout God we never apologike. We trust our God. OAN. All men of fathave courage. You want to know some. If you'll have the courage to talk aboutGod, an o home anones, you will never ever ever, whose per people don'texpect to lose. Vare people don't ever expect to lose merer people nearjudgment. If you can't talk about God, Fot God sakesand in Aa Room, when thebook has nothing to do with it, God you'll never think that you're sokeryou've been Roti in the port to mention or your expensin. These promises, ifyou're one of these guys that are worried about what the guy you said.Next to you doesn't pay you pim VI, so well. Wos Gon is going to think about Y.You know, that's the bottom wine o Gad on, but I loto hear's the bottom line.So I startd go to Singand my poncer died and thee was a guy sitting. Nextto me was a badjst missionary. He had sixty two years cobriety. He became anet spontor Ns ten with John Lyn and mhen Il tell yo I wan. I wanted thefaite that John Win had Iwa. You know John Blen used to call himself myname's Jog Len, I'm Futrasar and you know w. They talked him abot dime'cause. He was like he was much older than me and he uh and he he'd say Hey my Dad Sa Pat, I ao.No, you know, and I've had a live experience with men who really believereal, believe Wa t believe it and how they faced death and all this so Oselas pretty incredible O. I seem to deal and so we go out to eat one time. So wego out to eat and yo say: If you want, we haveit woman t go to Anylik Gat, youare, who you hang out with. That's the man you're going to de and I goout todinner, we'd be at a Denmis' restaurant every pack and I go to eat. enybodyknows who knows I like, I go to eat and he SAI. What are you doing? I said I'measy, I you cannot pan. We have Yor a Sadon e Wilson said to Alposon on Umer Threee said the Lord has been someone hold me Criman. I got e talk about it telling them wedon your thank so he would bowis an and I would found my head in the middle ofhis and he was start praying hed get one ofthese long, Batin prayers, you know and and Anomic was looking around. I've gotlike twelve years Ryand, I'm looking around see. whethe people are looking at. It'snot Ghot to get a crow tat, they think about him. INSO, you know I'mdoing it,and so he ended up sponsibly for fifteen years. Unspache by this Di werecraing before our meals were doing all that sort of stuff, and I Miss John, I know he's o a Mordright now, ands looking down me. Thank God I found it. You know o know people,you know what it says in a big book. It says, but we will not know you. This isthe last page. We will not hang out with you, and this is what the fanthersaid. He says, God will determin that and real relies happy on you. You willshow you how to create the Solshi a we finden oni crave. Delowship, I didn'tknow the pollship, I'm I'Matulsia with somebody it's either to be a fellowship.I crave that I want to do wic to be a felship bat. God wants me a Ot and I Ithank God. I've always wound up with men and dealng with a fellowship ofpeople than a non bullshit. You know the realthe real deal Ntry to graw theimage and likeness of their creator. You knowntheiatolectess of their crater,so that was Jon Wen for Meo think a whole o Lebel that a whole bunch ofother stories, and that's it. I'm done ecause. I stole to WS so takod verymuch.

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