AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 40 · 2 years ago

Russell S at Bronx Big Book Labor Day Conference Step 6-7

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at Bronx Big Book Labor Day Conference Steps 6-7, September 7, 2020

Hold on, let me. My name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic and I'm a member of the South dixie group of alcoholics, anonymous, and I haven't found it necessary to have a drinking or have I had a drink since January twenty five, nineteen eighty one, and I'm just going to share my experience. This is just my experience and my opinion and I don't speak for anybody else except myself. And they say he's like a giant toolbox. Is a there's a wrench to fit every nut that walks through the door. And I don't know, there I'll be a wrenched and I do not, but I'm just going to be as sincere as I possibly can and tell you what I think. And it's just musings from an old, seventy one year old guy who's just been hanging around trying not to drink and hurt people. You know, I heard a one of my sponsors have had for sponsors. They and a few mentors and they're all they're all with the Lord now because we're all temporary. You know. He said, will you be my temporary sponsor? I haven't met anybody that is in temporary and my third sponsor said to me I should treat everybody like they have a broken heart, because they probably do. And I had a real problem with that early on, but I'm getting a little bit better at it now. And Seventy one and I've raised four children and the sober and have seven grandchildren and you know I'll help a drunk. I can tell you that. Let's see what thing I can tell you. So let me someone talk to live about six and seven. You know they call those old timers steps. Did you know that? It's probably why I think about him a lot. If I if I don't drink between now and January twenty five, I guess I'll have forty years. According to Aa, that's an old timer. I didn't know that. When I had thirty years I thought that was an old timer. And and I went to an international and I went to the old timers table because I figured my own on the thirty years would be, you know, pretty good, and they said no, now you needn't know, you need another ten years. I remember my first sponsor said I don't even consider you sober until you have ten years in recovery. You know. He said, five years your head comes out. He asked. I don't consider sober until you have ten years recovery. And when I had ten years, I went up to him and I said, well, I have ten years. He's I guess you can said to me recoveries is nine men, twenty, you know. So they're always the bar on. You you know sure as to your laugh and you don't know what it's like, but in any event, so I'm going to I'm you know. The truth of that is my favorite steps to talk about her six and seven, because I like to talk about emotional sobriety, and that's what six and seven are really all about. There's steps that you it says that the the way you measure somebody. On six and seven there's a measuring stick in the steps. It says these are the men or the women, I suppose. Apparently, whether you like it or not, in this isn't front me, you know. I mean I I'm here the comfort of disturbed and disturbed the comfortable, and I've been known to say things that sometimes disturb people. But just remember whenever you're disturbed, matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. So hopefully, hopefully, I'll disturb a few people, but the big book says, and the Twelve and twelve says, that a man who's really involved, and step six and seven is a person who's trying to grow in the image and likeness of this creator. Says it will take a lifetime, a lifetime to do that. You know, I know who my creator is. I know who he is. I know what he is. I have a firm conviction of who he is. I'm absolutely convinced that he was in my heart and mind that way, which the miraculous,...

...and he is doing for me what I can't do for himself. He is the central fact in my life. Not a pretty woman, not a new car, not a new suit, not a lot of money, not my wife and kids. He is a central fact to my life. That maybe why I have this incredibly grateful feeling of being rocketed into the fourth dimension existence of what I have not even dreamed or experiencing much of Heaven, even though I'm still on the planet with all because it says in the big book, and I don't think they're lying about this, I don't believe this any lies. In the big book, it says that we will be rocked in the fourth dimension of existence. We will experience much of heaven and it says the great fact is this, but nothing less, that that our creator will become the central fact of our lives and that will be convinced that he lives in our hearts and minds in a way which is being miraculous. I guess if you don't have that stuff going for you, you can stay sober physically and be in the AA not drinking club. You know, I don't drink, even if your ass falls off, you know, and I rate three chickens today, Ana and Anne, but I haven't had a drink. I your winner, you know, and I mean all that sort of stuff, and you can pick up your dallions and things like that. But yeah, three people just left the room, but I got a little crazy from times. I'm not I'm not completely well yet, but in a event I talked a lot about six and so, you know, Bill Wilson said that's the next frontier. said the real problem with alcoholics is unhealthy dependency. He's unhealthy dependencies and he and that drinking is not even the problem. Drinking is just a symptom of somebody that has unhealthy dependencies. You know, really understand about the unhealthy dependencies I think the first, my sponsors only the first step in getting out of jail. There's knowing that you're in jail in the first place, and the first dance step and knowing that you're in an alcoholic jail is to know that you're in a jail of alcohol in the first place and then you can start working or praying or do whatever you can can do to try to get out of that. And once you get out of that, you use a pain like, you know, one of those flash lines for the next fifteen years to see how big and how complex the jail cell really is. You'll see the jail cell of Romance, the jail cell or breed, the grand set, the jail cell of cars, of lifestyle, of wants and desires, and you'll notice that the jail cell, it's every single thing you've ever dreamt for or wish for or knew it would fix you in this entire world. You'll turn on the TV, they'll be a commercial on biaggurs. It'll tell you that if you're eighty years old then you're not getting laid three times a week, that there's something wrong with it, and you'll believe that shit because you believe that all your life. I only had a boyfriend or girlfriend, if I was only married, if I was only this, I was only that, I'd be okay. And the reason you believe that is because, like alcohol, it worked. It worked, you know, you had sex one night and it felt like a man, you felt like a woman, you know. So it worked. And then, I don't know, what's the half life? Is something like that? An hour or three hours a week? What's the half life of marriage? What's The halflife? Things just delude you, just like alcohol, to think that that's the answer to life. Run around the planet, you know, and trying to gather up those things. I'm an if only er and a yes butter, and you don't understand her, and I wish if I only had a dollar,...

...there I go, a dollar for every time I said to myself, you know, if I only had a different wife, if I only had a different job, if I only had a different boss, if only they would treat me differently, if only they would notice me, if only I had a new car, if only I weighed fifty pounds less, all the vanity stuff through that, and if only had blond hair instead of brown hair. If only, if only, if only, if only, if only, my quest for running around trying to gather up the things that I gather them all up and then I'd worry about losing them, and then I have them and they weren't new enough and I was worried about whether I was going to ever get them again or or why didn't I have them, and every like that. And I never realized that was a problem because everybody else in the entire planet, they were all involved in the same rat race and the rats were winning. You know, I never realized it was a problem. I just thought that's the way life was. There was no other way of doing it. You know, I come day and they talk about God, but most people in they don't like talking about that stuff and they tell you don't mention the God thing, you might hurt a newcomer and or something like that. So you pretty much understand that this is pretty much sort of like doing the old lifestyle, running after the same things, you know what I mean, but just not drinking, and then they'll give him a dallion and then you'll be a success and it's not about unhealthy unhealthy dependencies, or idolatry, is what they used to call it in the Bible. If you look for it, to take commandment's look under idolatry. I am the Lord, your God. There is no one the Lords. Don't put anything upsides me and don't look at idols. If you want to look, if you want to look in the big book for that. It's it has to do with unhealthy dependencies. That's where you can look for it. So there's a line in the twelve and twelve was says unless and until and now alcoholic accepts his alcoholism, his sobriety will be precarious. Look it up. It's not a good thing. Unlesson until an alcoholic accepts this alcoholism and all its consequences, his sobriety will be precariouss and of true happiness. So find none at all. I would you like to have that precarious sobriety, sobriety laced with a lot of anxiety, so sobriety laced with a lot of loneliness, sobriety less, laced with a lot of pride and Eagle and selfishness and self centeredness. How would you like that? That's you know, here and there, once in a while, and an alcoholic, a drinker, being dry at the moment. I used to think that was a newcomer. Could be somebody with twenty five years that sponsor. A lot of guys are twenty five years. You know, here and there, once in a while, a drink or dry at the moment says I feel better, I look better, I'm having a better time. We laugh at such a salary. We know he's going to try the old game again because he's not happy with this sobriety. Soon he'll know loneliness. If you do, but be at the jumping off place. That's got to be fun to be fifteen years sober and at the drunk the jumping off place. You know. So you hang around a for the first ten or fifteen years. You learn the AA two step. You do everything. You do the service. You know. You do the whole Shmeir. You know you can get down on your knees and say a third step prayer. Then you think your sincere about it and you walk around with a flashlight trying to figure out why you're being crushed all the time. You read something in the you read something in the twelve and twelve and the sixth step. It says something like the way we get a new perspective the way we get a new perspective. Hey, they warn you. They tell you right up front you shouldn't be all you probably we come an AA and we stopped...

...drinking. We said, finally, finally, we stopped drinking. Everything is going to be won. Deer fault, you know everything. That's what we tell newcomers, isn't that? What isn't what they say? They're not drinking club. Hey, listen, this is what they say. You ever hear this? Don't drink and go to meetings. Everything's going to work out. You ever hear anybody said don't drinking, go to meetings, it's all going to be other just don't drink. Don't drink at off your ass falls off. Go to means and you know it's true. It's true. That's a true statement. I'm not putting that down. But but, but somewhere later on and six and seven of those old timer steps, you know, after you get through the spiritual kindergarten, you decide, maybe some of US decide, you want to go on and you want to maybe grow up and get out of kindergarten and go to college or something, or high school. Somewhere buried somewhere in the sixth step it has this line the way we get a new perspective. That means the way we give up old ideas. And, by the way, you ever notice how they use these terms? Doing these steps thoroughly? Remember, you never see how they you ever see the adjectives they use? Utterly a band, and then yourself to God. I mean utterly. What is that word? Utterly, abandoned yourself to God, you know. and Dr Bobom the good old timers, there's a line where they say the books we found absolutely essential were first come again, thirteen, sermon on the Mount and the book of James, absolutely essential. Those are the words that because that's like essential, but to the power of fifty, I guess. And then I hear people say I'm spiritual, not religious, you know, and I have a big book it says. We lose all the prejudice, even against the organized religion. We begin to see whether it right and we all walk around saying I'm spiritual, not religious, and think we got that second step down. You know, that contempt, pridor investigation. A lot of strange things happen between the book, you know, between the book and the Fellowship and the Ying and the Yang on that sort of deal. How do you really get this thing, you know, unless it until an alcohol and alcohol accepts his alcohols and knowledge consequences, a sobriety be precarious of true happiness. Will find it all. Apparently happiness is important. They talked about the alcohol who's drive for the moment, but he's not happy with this sobriety. And apparently there are consequences to being an alcoholic and being sober. There are even consequences being alcoholic that have nothing to do with drinking what I was drinking and I had what I thought was the wife. That was going to be perfect. I said, if I only can marry her, the House that would be perfect, of the sun that would be perfect. The job, that was going to be perfect. I was a chief prosecutor for the day time of states attorney's office. I remember one day I woke up and my wife said to me, if you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you twelve words. I graduated with department to want of some mathematics. I was going for my PhD in Algebraic topology. I decided to become a lawyer because I wanted to get in this scal's pants, I suppose, and all her her parents and everybody around there with doctors and lawyers. So I ditched my my desire to become a math professor and I became a lawyer and I didn't know that at the time. I didn't learn about that until I was sober twenty years and that's why I became a lawyer to because I wanted to marry this gal and wasn't hard. Wasn't hard. If I wanted something, I was, believe me, I wanted what she added, I was wanting to go to any leth to get it. And and so, in any event, so she told me. With all that education, she said, I just want you to know if you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving it. Twelve words. If you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving it. I remember getting my car, I thro three blocks, I stopped on a line. I remember thinking this, what the hell did she mean by that? You know, one of...

...the consequences of being an alcoholic, I found in my life is that if you're an alcoholic, can you hear something, see something or told something you don't like? You don't like you don't accept it confuses you. And you know, one of the things when you're insane, and I was insane. I now know I was insane. It's a matter fact. I've even scratched the surface to realize how insane I was. I was even more insane than I thought I was insane. I thought the I didn't. You know, the problem is I would read things in the in the big book, but I didn't understand what I was reading. Like, for instance, this is second step. It says that we come believe that God, that a power grit in ourselves will restore us to sanity. I didn't actually see understand that. They were saying I was insane. You understand, I mean, I know I had problems, I had issues. We all have issues, and I'm not perfect. We're not PERFEC because that what we say. And and I wasn't perfect and you know. But I'm basically a good guy, you know, trying to do the best I can in a difficult world. And but, but the truth is is you cannot be restored to sanity. It didn't say I'm a good you cannot be restored to sanity unless you're insane. And I guess that was the problem because I was insane. What I was smart and I was a rationalizer. I was able to tell myself rationalize. And when you're smart and you think they're smart and you're insane and you come into alcoholics anonymous, you're liable to run into old timers who have been made sane. And when when an insane person runs into an old timer who is saying and tells him I'm broke, I need money, and then the old timer says, I understand the problem, I think it's about time you start making coffee for the group. What happens is you start thinking that the old timer is insane because because you're telling him you're broken, you need money, real problems and money's not important. It's just right up there with your right up there with oxygen and the old timers talking about making coffee for the group. But because you don't want to drink, you start making coffee for the group and the next thing you know, the money thing works out and everything works out and you didn't understand why, because all you did was make coffee for the group and you didn't drink. But that's the problem. You come in here with real problems, they talk craziness to you. And what one of the things I realized is is even though I'm reading the Big Book and even though I'm going to a meetings and even though I'm listening to people, it is possible that I'm reading the Big Book and the line the Big Book and listening to people, but I still don't really understand because there's a missing ingredient, the missing ingredient and the missing ingredient they talked about in the sixth step. They say the way we get a new perspective the way we give up old ideas. You know, they say if you don't give up the old ideas, the result is nil. The result is nail until you let go. Ask. I mean, I even I don't even believe that. I don't even believe the result is nail. I mean I figured the result is like, you know, you do fifty percent of the stuff, you get fifty percent of the deal. You know, I mean that kind of thing. Nil. I mean, I'm not drinking. I got to get ready to the all these old ideas of the result was there and then I run into this thing on the sixth step where it says this, it says the way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations and the crushing of our self sufficiency. And it's like all these statements in the big book,...

...they don't sound that bad. It does, I mean, I know, I mean really, when you look at it, crushing of ourselves, it sounds like it should be bad, but doesn't sound that. You know, the way we get a new respect. Like, for instance, this is line in the big book where tells me about what my alcoholism is. It says this, it says it says my real alcoholism. The thing that centers in my mind, on my body, is that I'm self fish and I'm self centered and I'm driven by a hundred forms of they're talking about me the time. I me my grandmother, my grandmother I love, said Russell, you're basically a good boy. I'm basically a good boy. That's what my grandmother told me. I both. I prefer to believe that. And this is what the big book about Bholics, Anonymas, tells me that the real problem is I'm selfish and I'm selfcentered and I'm driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion and Selfseeking, and I step on the toes of others and they retaliate seemingly without provocation. But I come to believe that. But that my selfishness, my selfish I make selfish decisions that have put me in a position to be heard. So an alcohol is self will one riot, though I usually don't think so. And even though that's what the book says, they say it in such a nice way. I mean the book says things in such a nice way that it doesn't even affect me because for whatever reason, and maybe has to do with the fact my chief characteristic is arrogance and defiance, unless I get hit over the head by a two by four, I don't get it. I just don't get it. The day my wife said you come home drunk one more time, I'm leaving you, and everything that was important or should have been important, was right out there and all I had to do was get home sober. I came in at four o'clock in the morning and that was the end of a five year marriage. I just didn't I didn't see, I didn't get it. I said, what the Hell you mean by that? And and so apparently what happens is I got this this problem where people say I read things in the big book and people tell me things but I just don't get it unless it's somehow linked up with being crushed and I go through the vagaries of life. I mean, how many times do you have to be broke, how many times you have to worry about money before you realize? Well, one of the things you will. I didn't realize this until it's nine years sober. This is advanced. Ay. I was not your sober doing everything does the INS germ bank, but years are and my sponsor told me this. He said, Russell, when you spend more money than you make, you go into something cold debt. Did you know that? I didn't know that. I just spent and spent, I just Bot whatever I wanted, whatever I thought would make me feel good and that kind of thing. I didn't realize that. You know, and and I didn't start. And just because you realize that doesn't mean you just stopped spending. You know, I spend more money I didn't have buying things I didn't need to impress people I didn't even like. And you can possibly imagine. You know drinking. Drinking was the easiest thing I brought. How about buying? How about thinking? You ever try to give up thinking. So that's my problem. The problem is I suffer from a disease that doesn't go away just because I wanted to go away. The drinking didn't go away just because I wanted it to go away. The lusting doesn't go away just because I wanted to go away. The thinking doesn't go away because I wanted to go away. The greediness and the company doesn't go away just because I wanted to go away. The first the loneliness doesn't go away just because I decide I wanted to go away. And it's very hard to not no matter how much you do the a thing. It's very hard not to believe it has something to do with a selfhelp program. So let me...

...ask this question. So here's a question I asked you. Did anybody, anybody who's listening today, who are alcoholics? You ever try to stop drinking? You ever try to stop drinking? Anybody ever try to stop? No, I'm serious. I want you to think. Did you ever try to stop? You ever say Youself, I got to stop drinking? You ever? You ever say to yourself, I got to stop this drinking? Yeah, I mean I mean before a I mean before you stopped, before you stopped. Did you ever say to yourself, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta Stop Drinking, I got to stop this, like I got to stop going to the bars. I got to stop this bullshit. You ever tell you something you got to stop you ever tell you something, got to stop something, and then keep on doing it. You ever tell you something you got to stop doing something, but you keep on doing it. and You keep on telling you something, you got to stop it, but you keep on doing it. You ever keep on doing it so much, even though you ever tell yourself you got to stop drinking or stop doing something and your sincere. You wake up in the morning say I'm not going to have a drink today and then by five o'clock you dropped again. That ever tell you. You ever tell you something that can go to the bar again, I'm not going to go to bar day and you wind up in the book. You ever tell you something, you're not going to buy booze, and then you buy booze. You ever do that. You know. So what does it? So let me ask you something. What does it mean when it says in the big book there is one who has all power? What do you think that means? You ever try to figure out what that means? There is one who has all power. Does that mean that, well, he has ninety five percent of the power, but you have like five percent of the power? Does that mean, like he has like ninety nine percent of power, but he's sort of gavest like one percent of the power? Is that what it means? I mean, what does it mean when it says he has you know, there is one who has all power. What does that mean? You know, you're trying to think about what that means. And if there is only one who has all power, does that mean he only has all power over? You're drinking booze. Does it mean you have is all power over, just booze, the booze parn't you know? I met, I came, I came to a point in my life where I would say it was the lowest bottom in my life on jet on December twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty, where I got down on my knees. I got down on my knees and I said God, please come into my life and help me, and it was probably the lowest part of my life. And you want to some I got off my knees and I continue to drink for exactly one month. I didn't think anything happened. And then a month later I got into a bad car accent that I was on a hospital Gurney. I said God help me and and I came into alcoholics anonymous stopped drinking it. But you want to know something, prior to getting down on my knees and asking God to come to my life, and I was as humble I said. I mean I wish I could get back. I will know there I could ever get back to the humility I have, of the humbleness I had when I got down on my knees that night, at three o'clock in the morning and ask God to come into my life. You know, I think I became entirely ready to have God remove the alcohol. I think that night I became entirely ready to have God remove the alcohol because of the consequences of drinking alcohol. I came into alcoholics anonymous when the sequences of my drinking cave at me faster than my ability to lower my standards. I thought my life was over. I was thirty one years old, would never get better again. But you know, prior to getting down on my knees on that December Nice, on that Christmas morning. For...

...at least three or four months prior to them that, I kept on trying to stop drinking. I would get up and I say I'm not going to have a drink today, and drink anyway, get up and I have a drink today and I would drink. You know, I wish there was this was a program where you just made a decision to stop and then you stopped. I wish this was a program where you made a decision to stop and then you stopped. You made a decision to stop smoking and then you stopped. You made a decision to stop drinking, then you stop. Made a decision to stop reading pornography and then you stopped. Made a decision to stop lusting after women or men and then you stop. You made a decision not to base your whole life about an on another human being you know, and make them the centerpiece of your whole life, and then you stopped. You made a decision to stop worried about people and then you stop. Made a decision to stop worrying about money and then to stop. They made a decision to stop worrying about your boss and then you stop. You made a decision to stop worrying about your future and then you stop. Why? I wish this was a program where I had the power to make decisions, serious decisions, about my life. That would I made a decision lose fifty pounds and then I stopped up. I made a decision to whatever, whatever, and that, you know, I wish. I wish I had the power. You know, I think the problem is is they don't arrest you for driving well, greedy do that. Then on arrested for driving while lusting or driving well, feeling sorry for yourselfing. There's really no consequences to being selfish and selfcentered and having fear, is there? You can't go to like. They don't have like greedy jail. Well, I guess if you still want your muzzle money. They don't. For most of the stuff that bothers us, most of the defensive character, you don't go to jail. They just slowly whittle away at your soul. You might end up losing a job or losing a marriage or stuff like that, but it doesn't seem that it's a consequence of having defects of a character. You may not have a decent relationship or anything. But that doesn't it's not like alcohol. We get drinking, you get arrested for Dui. Where you greedy, and this happens. You know where you're lusting in, that happens. You know. It just sort of works on you slowly to make you a miserable human being and feeling crappy about yourself. So your five years sober and you're sitting in the shower, your ladom enough, and all of a sudden hear this voice and the voice says you're a losing. You know the fucking tell yourself your piece of shit. And it's not a voice you're unfamiliar with, because you're telling yourself bad crap like that all the time. Sometimes you're really focus on other things. You go out shopping or you turn on TV or your text or something, but that voice always comes back, doesn't it? And you look around the shower to see who's saying that crap tune. You're the only one in the shower and it's your reputation. When you about yourself and you tell you somethings like you don't give a crap what other people think about you. You constantly tell yourself you don't give a crap what other people think about you. Sometimes you actually turn to another human being. You said, I don't give a crap what they think about me. And it never dawns upon you that people that really don't give a crap what other people think about them never say I don't give a crap what other people think about but they never even think that. They may, they may say things like pass to catch up, but they don't say that stuff. And it's because you're always thinking that other people that you're always worried about what other people are thinking about you, and you actually think that other people think about you. And and that's because part and parcel of this disease that sent there's in your mind, not your body, that doesn't go away just because you stop drinking, is the incredible fear of what other people think about you. That's why they make it a promise in the book of the new freedom. They say you'll lose fear of other people and Financial Insecurity. And the truth is most financial and security vanity stuff. You know, having a new car, having a new house, it's all about fear of other people, because behind every person is worried about losing their car. Is What will people think about me if I'm driving a crappy car and part of part of worrying about losing your house and losing your jobs. What are people going to think about me if I'm unemployed? It's all about that...

...kind of stuff. So let me ask you something. You ever tell you something you're going to stop work. You ever tell you something going to stop worrying about that, you're going to stop doing that. What would your life be like if you didn't have any of those fears? What would your life be like if you never were concerned about what other people thought about you? Well, I guess you'd be able to speak of a meanings pretty good. You wouldn't be have to plan stuff. And the thing, I don't know what what would happen? That would be a pretty good deal, but it doesn't really happen. So so here's the question. The question is, so what does it mean when they say we're powerless? There is one of us all power. That would what do I mean when no human power can we lead? There alcohols. We mean no human power. Only God couldn't. Would have you the saw. You know that part in the big book where it says, What does it say? It says it says, above everything, we must get rid of this selfishness, we must store it kills us. What do you think that means? What do you think? What do you think they mean when they say the selfishness? What do you think they're trying to get? Get you get rid of? You know, God makes that possible. God makes that funny, you know. And what does it mean when it says, once we take take that that we sincerely take that position? What do they mean by sincerely? What do you mean by utterly? What do they mean utterly abandoned? What do they mean by that? There's a good orderly direction is to do the next right thing. Is that what it is? I am the powder of the next right thing. I have the powder of do good orly direction. I don't know. I have a book called chapter to the Agnostic. They wrote to agnostics. They say this sort of thing and has to be abandoned, it says. The book that says the Mere Qude of morals are better philosophy of life would have helped us from be so over long time ago. If a mere code of morals are better pass in life, if the tank commandments, if good orderly direction is do the next time. If that would have helped us. We've been sober. It didn't help us because we didn't have the power, because he has all the power. That means we wrote book. We had to talk about God. God the either is or he isn't. What your decision going to be? Where a new basis, the base of trusting, relying upon God? We never apologize for God. You never apologize for God. All men of faith have courage. We never apologize. We trust in God. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. What does that mean in the what does it mean the big book? Whenever you talk in an a meeting and you say I'm going to talk about God, I'm polly. Why? What does it mean? You ever feel in a meeting that you can't talk about dad, or if you do, you got to apologize for it? Why? Why do people in an a meeting when the whole book is written about trusting in God and making him the central fact of Your Life? Why do you think people in alcoholics anonymous are scared to talk about God? That should be last place they're scared to talk about. Why do you think they mentioned the big book? Never Apologize, never apologize for trusting your God. Maybe because they knew that alcoholics want to apologize, because in chapter agnostic it says most of coholics don't want to do it. So they get mad, you know, and they don't want to do it. What do you think about that deal? You have a book that says you got to give your entire life over the God. Become entirely ready to give your entire life over to God. What does it say? It says being convinced. We are now at step three. What does it mean to be convinced? Are you convinced? As soon as you say, as soon as you say the prayer, the third step prayer, people like them out the third step Ray, a third step prayer. I got amazed. A third did you get up and where you convinced? You think alcoholics, after three months, that they get on their knees of the four months or five months and say the third step prayer. You think by saying the third step prayer, all of a sudden you're convinced. Well, if you're convinced that God is going to, you know, do in your life and do for you, you're convinced about God being the simral factor in your life. Why would you ever be anxious again. Maybe just by saying the prayer, that's not enough.

You know, it's a funny thing. Sometimes. I've come to believe that once you finally get to the point where you see the jail, so you're in. Once you finally get to the point where you see degreed and you see the anger and you see the covety and you see the the things you are in love with and this world that you put ahead of everything else, once you see that and you say I finally renew announce that stuff, you know I mean I'm going to make God number one. You know, whatever it is you say, for some reason that's about the time he feels you're ready to go into the other and turn up the heat. Because somehow, some way, if I could just make an incantation or say something and then all of a sudden would go away, I think I would get the idea that maybe I'm doing it, that maybe I have the power. Maybe I have the power, maybe it's my will power, maybe I don't need God, but somehow the God my understanding. As as soon as I say I think I need to stop drinking, and I say it's sincerely, he allows me to go for another six or eight months and crash and burn until I become entirely ready to stop drink and I get down on my knees. And then when I stop Drinky, you know when I say to mine, you know what I realized? I realize it had absolutely nothing to do with me. It had to do with God. I guess that's why Bill Wilson said an up box and obvious number three. The Lord has been so wonderful to make jure me of this terrible disease that I got to keep talking about and telling other people because he was absolutely convinced that his not drinking has to do with God and nothing to do with his wants and desires. I just sort of think that's the way God works. That's why it says the way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations in the K of crushing of our self sufficiency. There's nothing that convinces an alcoholic more that God exists than when they're trying to do something, trying to do something, trying to change some of someone try something and failing and failing and failing, the failing their life. That's miserable, miserable, and then one day they wake up after realizing that they're they're crazy and they can't stop it and they have no power, and then all of a sudden God intercedes and they stop doing it and they stop doing it. So I don't know. How long did it take you to stop drinking? How long did it take you to stop making romance the centerpiece of Your Life? How long does this thought to stop making a vanity stuff the center piece of Your Life? Your looks the centerpiece of Your Life, you know, other people the centerpiece of your life. How long does it take to make God the center piece of Your Life? What do they mean when they say he has to become the central fact of your life? That's almost like saying you got to think about him all the time. What does it mean when it says in the big book, but we will not know you, and the big book says something like this. It said, as well, that's okay. It says God will handle back, because you must really you know. It's remember that your real reliance always has to be on him. He will even show you how to create the fellowship we pray. We'll even show you to hang around with see to what your relationship with him is right and great events would come to you and countless others. You know, if that's true, if that's true in the big book, if all that is true, then why are we so worried about talking about an a meeting? Does it have to do with fewer people? Is that? If you're worried about what's if you're worried, listen, here's a little hint. If you're ever worried about what people think about you, for God's Sakes, when you talk about God in a meeting, don't ever, ever, ever expect to get rid of fear people. If you're worried about what people will think about you if you talk about God, for God's stakes and AA meeting, don't ever expect to get rid of fear people and just expect...

...to live a life where you're always going to be worried about what people think about do if that's what you like. Some people, and I don't know how it happens. I don't even know how it happened to me. I don't even know how I got to the point. I mean, I know there's so many people that are drinking and drugging out there and they can't stop. They can't stop and they can't even become entirely ready. And I don't know how it got to the point where I became entirely ready, where I started, and I'm not even saying I'm entire ring, where it got to the point where I actually wanted, wanted to make God the center piece of my life. But I know about the time I started wanting to make God sent peace of my life, I started going to church because they encourage it in the big book. I didn't look for the loopholes, I didn't look for the I'm not saying you should go. You know that's a big book says we're not saying. It's subbligatory. But I I looked at the part where they said, we said we encourage church. Man about ship. Most of us go there. I say, if that's what they did and I'm going to increase my conscious found that with God I don't give a crap what they say over there. I'm going to go ahead and do that. You know, it says you lose all prejudice even guess I'm not going to worry about whether there's hypocrits and church riding. I'm to do whatever I can to put me in a position where I am constantly more thinking about God, whether it's a meetings, whether it's hanging that with people, whether it's talking to people. I'm going to do that deal because I wanted more to get closer and closer to some idea of God and what he is and who he is. Then worrying about what the guy next to me and they even thought about it, worrying what other people thought about it, and about then, about that time, all sorts of things started happening to me. I started looking at the big book differently, I started reading it differently, I started thinking seeing things in the big book that we were covered up were that I thought were unimportant. I mean, I was working the day I was working. I'm working the program just like everybody else work in the program and doing everything they say to do in the program except the stuff I don't want to do. And it's the stuff I don't want to do that's killing me and eating my lunch. And I'm saying why, I'm nine years older, I'm ten years sober, I'm fifteen years sober. I'm saying when is it going to get better? One am I going to be rock in the Fourth Dimension Existence? And I'm not be rocking in the fourth dimension existence. But I'm not really ready to do this deal. I'm not ready to do this deal. I'm not doing it on you know what I am. I'm taking the middle of the road position. It says there is no middle of the road position. We pick up the spiritual tools. God either is and I'm the miracle. I want to be Jesus and I want to be you have nor I want to be spiritual. Whe the God in a lot of AIDS on it. You know what I mean. I want the money and I want God, and there ain't no you know, you got to make your choice. You know there's two roads. You know you got to take one road to the other road. How do you become hey, when they say we become entirely ready, let me ask you this. How do you become entirely ready? You think you become entirely ready this. Just say you get them on day. Say God, I'm entirely ready. Think that's what does. Okay, son, come on it. You know what I mean. You think that's what does it. You just say I'm entirely ready. I'm entirely ready to do this. Okay. So I said I did the sixth step. I did this. I said the sixth step, prayer. I'm there. I did the seven step. Well, listen, I probably it's probably good thing to do. And then once you get entirely ready, maybe it has something to do with the Poundy, maybe has something to do with the repeated humiliations. Maybe we learned the value of suffering. And then once you learn the value of suffering and somehow you get to the point where you somehow become almost entirely ready or entirely ready, how do you get that humility and the seventh step where they where you were? Where the bottom line is you're ready and you know that on your own power you are you are nothing, that you have no power. You're willing to get down in your knees and just just be. Just asked for it every morning, every night. So instead...

...of turning your life over to God, you're living it turned over life. Maybe you want to live maybe. How what does it take to live it turned over life, where you're not doing the steps, you're living the steps? How does that? Maybe it happens the time. Maybe time actually does mean something. Maybe the one thing time means is that you get to fail more. The more you're around, the more you're sober and the more you get pounded, the more opportunities you have to be crushed and to learn who's got the power and who doesn't have the power. Maybe that's it. I don't know. I hear I say all the time time doesn't mean anything, time doesn't mean anything. Well, I think they may be wrong about that. Sometimes time does mean something. Everybody has to do their desert time. So when any event, donal that is in do with six and seven. But we burned an hour and I don't think anybody's committed suicide to drag right right. So think about it, you know, and I bless you. I wish all of you blessings and I hope you what go through the same crap I went through in order to get to where you have to go. Just make God number one in your life. Thank you very much.

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