AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 40 · 1 year ago

Russell S at Bronx Big Book Labor Day Conference Step 6-7

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at Bronx Big Book Labor Day Conference Steps 6-7, September 7, 2020

Holdoneme, my name's Russell Spats, I'm analcoholic and I'm a member of the South dixsagroup about halks anonymous and I haven't found it necessary to have hemdrink, nor have I had a drink since January, twenty fifth nineteen, eighty one and I'm just going to share myexperience. This is just my experience, an my opinion and I don't speak for anybody else. Exceptmyself and H. They say eis, like a giant toolbox, isa there's, a wrench tofit every nut that walks through the door, and Idon't know whether I'll be wrenched and I od not, but I'm just going to be as sincere as Ipossibly can and tell you what I think and it's just musings from an oldseventy one year old guy who's just been hanging around trying not to drinkand hurt people. You know I heard a one of my sponsors: Hi've had foursponsors, they uh and a few mentors and they're all they're all with the Lord.Now, because we're all temporar, you know he said you be my temporarysponsor. I haven't met anybody that isintemporary N. my third sponsor said to me: I should treat everybody like theyhave a broken hartfase. They probably do and I had a rel problem with that earlyon, but I'm getting a little bit better at it now and m seventy one, and I I've raised four children sover andhave seven grandchildren and UH. You know I'll help and drunk. I cantell you that hat's, the only thing I could tell you. So let me h somone top I about six andseven yea. They call those old timerd steps. Did you know that? It's probablywhy I think about him a lot Um, if, if I don't drink between now andJanuary, twenty fifth, I guess I'll have forty years according to a athat's, an old timer. I didn't know that when I had thirty years, I thoughtthat was an old time Ri and I I went to an Internationalan. I went tothe old timer's table 'cause. I I forget in my own line that thirty yearslold O be, you know pretty good and they said no, no, you needo! You neatanother. Ten years. I remember my first sponsor said: I don't even consider yousober until you have ten years n recovering. You know. YEUsaid five years your head comes out of your ask. I On't consider Soberin, soyou have ten years recoverin. When I had ten years. I went up to hem and Isaid well, I have ten years he sa. I guess you consider me Recomedis Nine,an twenty Aso utthe're, always inthe bar on you. You know sure aster you'relaughing, you don't know what it's like, but anymen, so i'Mim Neon Truth. Tha mattr is myfavorite steps to talk about are six and seven, because I like to talk about emotionalsobriety and that's what six and seven are really all about. There 's stepsthat you it says that the way you measuresomebody on six and seven ies a Measuran tact in the steps it saysthese are the man or the women. I suppose, apparently, whether you likeit or not, this isn't from me an imite on years, a comfort to disturbed anddisturbed ther copabl and I've been known to say things that sometimesdisturb people, but just remember whenever you disturbed and matter whatthe cause there's something wrong with you. So hopefully, hopefully I'lldisturb a few people, but h the big book says and the Twelve and twelvesays that a man who's really involved in step. Six and seven is a person. WHO'strying to grow in the image and likeness of its Creator says: itilltake a lifetime a lifetime. To do that, you know, I know who my creator is. Iknow who he is. I know what he is. I have a firm conviction of who he isI'am, absolutely convinced that it was in my heart and mind in the way weshould be miraculous...

...and he is doing for me. What I can't dofor himself is the central fact in my life, not a pretty woman, not a new car, not a new suit, not a lot of money, not my wiking kids. He is the central fact of my life. That may be why I have this incrediblygrateful feeling of being rocketed Ito. The fourth divension existence of whatI have not even draimed or experiencing much of Heaven, even though I'm stillon the plan of the DALL, because it says in the big book- and I don't thinkthey're lying about this- I don't hobly thies any lies in God vot. It says thatwe will be rockered in the fourth devension of existence. We willexperience much of happen, an such the great fact as this, but nothing less th, that our creator would become thecentral fact for our lives and that Wuld be convinced that he lives in ourhearts and minds and way which should be miraculous. I guess, if you don't have that stuffgoing for you, you can stay sober physically and Bein,the AA, not drinking club, you know don't drink emen ass falls off, youknow, and I rape, three chickens, Todana and anon, but I haven't had a great Guye or a winner. You know a I mean all thatsort of stuff and Youan pick up your agalions and things like that. But yeah threepeople just left it room, but I got a little crazy. Sometimes I'm notI'm not completely well yet, but in any mint. I I taut a lot about six,and so I Wolson said: That's the next frontier SAC, a real problem withalcoholic's unhealthy dependences, unhealthy dependencies andhe he andthat drinking is not even the problem. Drinking is just a symptom of somebodythat has unhealthy dependencys y really understand about an unhealthydependencies. I think the first my sponsor ony, the first step in gettingout of jail, is knowing that you're in jail in the first place. An the first, a step in know thatyou're in an alcoholic jail is to know that you're in the jail of alcohol inthe first place, and then you can start working orpraying or do whatever you can can do to try to get out of that, and once youget out of that, you use a penlight. You know one of those little flashlintsfor the next fifteen years to see how big and how complex that Jelsel reallyis. You'll see the jail cell of romance the jail sel breed the grands settely,the jail Celt of cars of wifestyle of wantsand desires and you'll notice that the jailsellisevery single thing, you've Bever, dreamt for R wish for or knew it wouldfix you in this entire world. You'll turn on the TV there'll be a commercialone. Biagra it'll tell you that if you're eighty years old, then you'renot getting lad three times a week that there's something wrong with you andyou'll believe that Shit, because you believed that all your life, I only hada boyfriend or girlfriend. If I was only married. If I was only this, I wasonly that I'd be OK and the reason you believe that is because, like alcohol,it worked it worked. You know you had sex one night and you felt like a man.You felt like a woman, you know so it worked, and then I don't know what's toHavelife or something like that now, o three hours a week. What's the halflife of marriage Whit' the half, like things just Beloogo, just likeOutcoholl, to think that that's the answer to life run around the planet.You know and trying to gather up those things, I'm an if olier and yes, butterand you don't understand her, and I I...

...wish if I only had a dollar there, I'dgo a dollar for every time. I said to myself: You know if I only had a different wifeif I only had a different job, if I only had a different boss, if only theywould treat me differently, if only they would notice me, if only I had a new car, if only Iweighed fifty pounds less all the VAT ud be suf. o Ain Ie only had blondshere instead round here, only if only, if only, if only, if only my quest forrunning around nd trying to gather up the things and I gather 'em all up andthen I'd worry about losing hem and then I'd Hav Hem and they weren't doenough, and I was worried about whether I was going to ever get him again or orwhy didn't? I have him and everthing like that. I never eve realized. That was aproblem because everybody else in the entire planet. They were all involvedin the same rack grace and the rats were winning. You know I never realized.It was a problem. I just thought: that's the way life was. There was noother way of doing it. You know I come dawn, they talk aboutGod, but most people. They don't like talking out that stuff and Heys tellyou don't mention the God thing you might hear a newcomer and or somethinglike that, so he pretty much understand that this is pretty much sort of likedoing the old lifestyle running after the same things. You know I M, but justnot drinking and then they'll give you a medalion and then you'll be a successand it's not about unhealthy unhealthy dependencies or idolatreswhat they used to call it in the Bible, Gillepord Tan, Omanments, look underidolatry and Lord, your God or Isso. Lord, don't put anything usides me anddon't look at idols. If you want to look with one look in the big blook forthat, it's it has to do with unhealthy dependences, that's whay! You can lookfor it! So there's a line in the twelve and twelve as says.Unless and until and alcohol accepts his alcopolism, his Surita will bepecurious. Look it up. It's not a good thing: Anlesson, an tolene alcohol, eaccepts,this alcoholism and all its consequences, hissobrietyil B pecariosts and, if true happiness, Soi ind, not it all. I would like to have that precarioussobriety sobriety laced with a lot of anxiety, oteprii lace, wit, a lot of loneliness sobriety, less laced with a lot ofpride and Eagle and selfishness and subseterness. How would you like TohaveTes, you know here and there once in a while and alcoholic adriger being dry at t amoment I used to think that was a new con could be somebody with twenty fiveyears. I sponsor a lot of guys in twenty five years. You know here and there once in a whilea drinker dry at the moment says I feel better. I look better I' having abetter time. We laugh at such a Salay. We know he's going to tryc o the oldgame. Again, 'cause he's not happy with his surprise soon. He'll know heloneliness is Yo, do il be at the jumping offplace. That's Gotto be funto be fifteen years, oger an hat the drunk the jumping off place. You know, so you hang round a for the first tenor fifteen years. You learn the AA tostep. You do everything you do theservice. You know you do the Holshmirre. You Know You van get down on your neceand say a third step prayer. Then you think you're sincere about it. You willwalk around with this flash flight, shoping a figure out. Why you're being crushed all the time? You read something and you read something in t twelve andtwelve and the six step and said of something like that. The way we get anew perspective, the way we get a new perspective, hey they warn you. Theytell Youre right a PROMT, you shouldn't...

...be all you probably we come a day andwe stopped draing. We said. Ah, finally, finally, we stope drinking everything'sGon to be wonderful. You know everything, that's what we teld ocomers,isn't that Isnot they say: they're, not drinking clove, Hey, listen is whatthey say. You ever hear this done trick pank and go to meetings everything'sgoing to work out. You ever hear anybody said: Don't drink an ONA mens,it's all Nerdio, just don't drink, don't drink eiten of your ass pallsofgot a means- and you know it's true. It's true. That's the true statement,I'm Nott PUTG Tut down, but but but somewhere later on in six andseven of those old timer steps, you know after you get through the Spirtuof kindergarten. You've decide Madee, some of US decide you want to go ongand you want to Mak grow up and get up on a kindergarten to go to college orsomething or high school somewhere buried somewhere in the sixstep t. Athas this line the way we get a new perspective? That means the way we giveup old ideas and by the way you ever notice how they use these terms. Doingthese stuffs thoroughly. Remember you never see how they you ever see theadjectives they use utterly abandon yourself to G. I mean utterly. What isthat wherd utterly abandone yourself to God, you own dctor, Bobban girltommers,there's a line where they say the books. We found absolutely essential: Erpersoalbeing, thirteen serven on the Mout, an the book of Janes, absolutelyessential. Those are the wors things. That's like essential to the power offifty. I guess, and then I hear f people soun,spiritual, not religious. You know- and I have a big book that says: Wo LoseAll Crejudicye Despory, nice religion. We begin to see whet ir right and weall walk around saying I'm sparful, not religious, think we got that secondstep down. You know that contemtprid o investigation, th alot of strangethings, happen between the book. You know between the book and theFellowship and the Ying and the Yang on that sort of deal. How do you reallyget this thing? You know unless en tole an Alcoho, an alcohol eccepts, hisAPCOHOLS, an knowledge consequences to Suvrivabe prepars of true happiness.Offonn. All apparently happiness is important to talk about the alcohol who's Dryefor the moment, but he's not happy with his coriety and apparently there areconsequences to bean and alcohol can being sober. There are even consuencobeing n Achol that have nothing to do with drinking. When I was drinking and I had what Ithought was the wife that was going to be perfect, I said iotly could marryher the house that would be perfect t an the sun. That would be perfect thejob that was going to be perfect. I was the chief proscutor for DA censtySturey's office. I remember one day I woke up and my wife said to me: If youcome home drunk one more time, I'm leaving twall words, I graduated withdepartment, Olas O mathematics. I was going from my phd and ALGEBRACDtapology. I decided become a lawyer because I wanted to get in this galspancs, I suppose, and all er her parents and everyon around there weredoctors and lawyers Si. I ditshed by my desire to coma MAC professor and Ibecame a lawyer, and I didn't know that at the time I didn't learned about thatuntil I was over twenty years and that's why I woul get word because Iwanted to marry this Gal and wasn't Hart wasn't hard. If I wantedsomething I was believemeg, I wondered what she had and I was o o anyway toget it and and so an an event. So she told me withall that education. She said. I just want you to know if you comehome drunk more time of leaving twelve wirds. If you come home and Drok one more timeon leaving it, I never get my car Ti three blocks. I stopped anline. Iremember thinking this. What the Hell Woud she mean by the...

...you know. One of the consequences ofbeing an alcoholic I found in my life is that if you are not hot and you hearsomething see something or I told something you don't like you don't like you, don't accept, it confuses you and you know one of things when you'reinsane and I was insane. I now know I was insane as M: I've even scratchedthe surface to realize how insane I was. I I was even more insane than I thoughtI was insane. I thought th t I didn, you know the problem is, I would readthings in e, I in the Big Bok, but I didn't understand what I was readinglike, for instance, this's second step. It says that we come believe that gotthat a powgrain ourselves will restore us te sanity. I didn't actually sityunderstand that they were saying I was Insayne. You understand, I mean I knowI have problems, I have issues, we all have issues and I'm not perfect we'rnotcer, there's not what we say and- and I wasn't perfect and you know, but I'mbasically a good guy. You know trying to do the best. I can n a difficultWorlan, but but the truth is, is you cannot be restored to savirty? It didn't sound, go you cant berestored to sanity unless you're insane, and I guess that was the problem,because I was insane, but I was smart and I was a rationalizer. I was able totell myself rationalize and when you're smart- and you think this moring andyou're insane and you come into alcoholics, anonymous you're liable torun into old timers who have been made sane and when, when an insane personruns into an old timer, who is Sane and tells him I'm broke, I need money and then theold timer says I understand the problem. I think it's about time. You startmaking coffee for the group. What happens? I you start thinking that theold timer is insane because because you're telling him you're groke and youeat money, real problems and money's, not a cort. It's just right up, Tein se're right up there with oxygen andthe old timer is talking about making coffee for the room, but because youdon't want a drink, you start making coffee for the group and the next thingyou know the money thing works out and everything works out, and you don'tunderstand why? Because all wo did was make Posi for the group and yet intrate.But that's the problem you come into here with real problems they talkcraziness to and what one of the things I realizedis is even though I'm reading the Big Book, and even though I'm going to AIEA and even though I'm listening to people, it is possible that I'm readingthe Big Book and underline the Big Book and listen to people, but I still don'treally understand because Ir's a missing ingredient, the missingingredient and the missing ingredient they talk about in the sixth step, theysay the way we get Inne perspective. The way we give up old ideas. You knowthey save. I youdon't dive whap the old ideas. The result is no, the result is Nell until you let thelast an. I don't even believe that I don'en believe it exults. As now I meanI I figure. The result is like you do fifty percent of the stuff youhav fiftypercent of the deal. You know, I mean that kind of thing. No, I mean I'm notdrinking. I gotto give rid of t e all these old ideas of the result was thereand then I run into this thing. On the sixth step. WHEREIT says this: it says the wayweget a new perspective is by repeted humiliations and the crushing ofourself sufficiency, and it's like...

...olthes statements in the big book. Theydon't sound that bad it does. I mean I know I mean really when you look at itwhysh of ourself. It sounds like it should be bad, but I doesn't sound thatyou know the way we got a new respect like, for instance, then I this linethe big book where it tells me about what my Alcoholis is. It says this. Itsays it says my real alcohol is m. The thing that senters in my mind on mybody, is that I'm selfish and I'm self centred and I'm driven by a hundredforms o they're talking about me. That's Obo me my my grandmother, mygrandmother Bylag said Russell you're, basically a good boy, I'm basically agood on that's what my grandmother told me. I O. I prefer to believe that- andthis is what the Big Book Aout Boxon Imis tells me that the real problem isI'm selfish and I'm self centered and I'm driven my a hundred forms of fear,self, delusion and Selfseeking, and I step on the toes of mothers and theyretaliate seamily without provocation. But I com to believe that, but that myselfishness, myself, which I make Selfesh decisions that have put me in aposition to be heard. So an alcohol is self low on riot, though I usuallydon't think so, and even though that's what the book says, they say it in such a nice way. I meanbook says things in such a nice way that it doesn't even affect me because,for whatever reason- and maybe t has to do with the fact- my chiefcharacteristic esariance and defiance unless I get hit over the head by a toI four- I don't get it- I just don't get it the day. My Life said: You comehome from one more time on leaving Yiu and everything that was important orshould have been important, was right out there and all I had to do was gethome sober. I came in at four o'clock in the morning and that was the end ofa five year. Marriage. I just didn't. I didn't see I didn't get I I said whatthe help you mean by that and h, and so apparently what happens is I got this this problem? Where people Iread things in the Big Book and people tell me things, but I just don't get itunless its somehow linked up with being crushed, and I I go through the bigresof life, I mean how many times do you have to be Bronk? How many times you have to worry aboutmoney before you realize well one of the things you knew. Ididn't realize this until I was nine years ober. This is the advanced day. Iwas not years sobut doing everything I had do theingrew bank Wat year O- andmy sponsor told me this. He said Russell when you spend more money thanyou make you go into something called debt. Did you know that I didn't knowthat I just spent and spent I just Bo whatever I wanted. What abret thatwould make me feel good, and that kind of thing I didn't realize that you knowand and I startin and just because yourealize that it doesn't mean you just stop spending. You know I spent moremoney. I didn't have buying things. I didn't need to impress people, I inevenlife and you can possibly imagine you know. Drinking drinking was the easiestthing I brought out about buying. How about thanking you ever try to give upthinking. So that's my problem. The problem is, Isuffer from a disease that doesn't go away just because I wanted to go away. The drinking didn't go away justbecause I wanted it to go away. The lusting doesn't go away just because Iwanted to go away. The thinking doesn't go away because Iwant to go away. The greediness and the company doesn't go away just because Iwant to go away the first. The loneliness doesn't go way just becauseI decide I wanted to go away and it's very hard to not no matter howmuch you do theanything it's very hard, not to believe it has somethingt dowith the self held program.

So let me ask this question so hereis aquestion. Ias Did anybody anybody wwas listening to a WHO were outauked Yeuever try to stop dranking you ever tryed to stop drangon anybodyever time stopped. No! I'M SURIOUS! I want Yo to think. Did you ever try to tyou ever Sa Yousel? I got to stop drinking yever, Yo ever say to yourself. I gott stop this dranken. I mean I mean before I mean before youstopped before you stopped. Did you ever Saye Yourself Igot I go. I gotta stop drinking. I gotto stop this like I got Ta Stop Goin in the bars. I got to stop this bullshipyou ever telling yourself you got to stop. You ever tell you something gotto stop something and then keep on doing it. You Ever Til, you Sol. You got to stopdoing something, but you keep on doing it and you keep on telling yousomethingyou got to stop it, but you keep on doing it. You ever keep on doing it. So much.Even u you ever Tell Yourself, you got to stop drinking or stop doingsomething and you're sincere you'll wake up in the morning and say I'm notgoing to have a drink today and then my fine o'clock, you dronk again thetever tell you, you eeer tell yousomething I can go to the bar again, I'm not going to go to Bardan you windup in the bark you over Tan, something you not to have I boons and then youbuy booze. You ever do that you know. So what does it? So? Let me ask yousomething: What does it mean when it says in the big book? There isone who has all power. What do you think that means you evertry to figure out what that means. There is one who has all power. Doesthat mean that Um well? He has ninety five percent of thepower, but you have like five percent of the pour. Does that mean like he has like ninetynine percent of power, but he so he gave sd like one percent of the power.Is that what it means I mean? What does it mean when says hehas? You know there is one who has all power. What is that ever try to think aboutwhat that means an, and if there is only one who has all power, does thatmean the only has all power over Youre drinking booze? Does it? Meanhe has all power over justboovs the booze fir. You know I M, I came. I came to a pointin my life, where I WASA was the lowest bottom in my life on j on Decembertwent y fifth, nineteen and eighty, where I got down on my knees. I gotdown on my knees, and I said God, please come into mylife and help mem and it was probably the lowest part ofmy life and you want to sum. I got off my knees and I continued the drink for exactlyone month. I didn't think anything happened. N Then, a month later gotinto a bad crash sent, and I was on Hostil Germyi said God held me and h and I came into alcohol anaugus.I stopped drinking, but you want to know something prior togeting down on my knees and ask me God to come to my life, and I was as humble I mean I wish I could get back. I don'tknow that I could ever get back to the humility I have and the humbleness Ihad when I got down on my knees that night at three o'clock in the morningand Askd God to come into my life. You know I think I became entirely ready. Hav God removed the alcohol. I think that night I became entirelyready to have God removed the alhol because of the consequences of drinkingalcohol. I came into Acoxonomus Wen the consequences of my drinkingCape at me faster than my ability to lower mystandards. I thought my life was over. I wasthirty one years old and would never get Betti again, but you know prior togetting down on my knees on that...

December nights on that Christmasmorning for at least three or four months, pridei that I kept on trying tostop trinking. I would get up- and I say, I'm notgoing to have a drink today and drink Anywa I get up and I haven't drink atn.I looka. You know I wish there was. This was a program where you just madea decision to stop and then you STOPPD. I wish this was a programe. You made adecision to stop and then you stopped, he made a decision to stop smoking andthen he stopped. He made a decision to stop draken then O stop maybe decisionto stop reading pornography and then to stop Maye decision to stop lustingafter women or a man and then Yeu stop he needed decision not to bace yourwhole life about on another human being. You know and make them Tis Interpieseon your whole life and then Yo. Stop you made e decision to stop worryingabout people an than stop, may decision s top worrying about money and then tostop. They made a decision to Snot worr about your boss and then you stop. Youmade a decision to stop worring about your future and then you stop why Iwish this was a program where I had the power to make decisions. Seriousdecisions about my life that Wi I made a decision os fifty pounds and Thenistopped. I made a decision to whenever, whatever you know, I wish I wish. I hadthe power. You know. I think the problem is. IsThey don't arrest you for driving, while greed do it, then on the rest or fo drive, whilelusting they're drying, oll feeling sorry for yoursemething, there's reallyno consequences to being selfish and self centered and haven fear is thereyou can't go to like they don't have like greedy jail? Well, I guess, if youstill Wan your dezzle Moneyo Theydon't for most of the stuff that bothers usmost of the defects of character, you don't go to Jaim. They just slowlywhintle away at your soul. You might end up losing a job or losing amarriage or stuff like that, but it doesn't seem that it's a consequence ofhaving defects fof a character. You may not have a decent relationship oranything but Thet Dosn't. It's not alcohol. When Youre drinking you gotarescupe to Du, I, where you're greedy- and this happens- you know or you'relusting, and that happens. You know it just sort of works on you slowly tomake you a miserable human being and feeling crappy about yourself. So you find your sober and you sit inthe shower N, you', Lad, Hem, Enu and all Ofsu you're this voice and the boysays you're a losy. You go to fuckand fill yourself your piece of shed and it's not a voice, you're unfamiliarWi h, because you're telling yourself bad crap like that, all the time.Sometimes you really focus on other things. You go out shopping, an youturn on T v, Ou your text or something, but that voice always comes back.Doesn't it and Youl look around the shower to see ye saying that Grat t youand you're the only one in the shower and it's your reputation when you boutyourself and you tell you somethings, like you, don't give a crap what otherpeople think about you constantly tell yourself, you don't Gev a crap, whatother people think about you? Sometimes yactually change, O on other humanbeing. You Sound, Oe Crop Ta, they think about me and there never dawns upon you that peoplethat really don't Div acrot what other people think about en never say I'.Give a crapit o other people think about me. They never even think thatthey may, they may say things like past the catchup Bot. They don't say thatstuff AIT's, because you're always thinking that other peop that you'realways worried about what other people are thinking about you and you actuallythink that other people think about you and and that's because part of posslofthis disease, that centers in mind on your body that doesn't go away. Justbecause you stop drinking is the incredible fear of what other peoplethink about. That's why they make it a promise in the book of the new freedomthey said, you'll lose fear of other people and financial in security, andthe truth is most financial and security. Vanity stuff. You know havinga new car having a new house, it's all about fear of other people, becausebehind every person is worried about losing their car. Is What old peoplethink about me if I'm driving a brafping car and part of a part ofwarning about losing your house and...

...losing your job as what Ar people doerthink about me, I'm unemployed, it's all about that kind of stuff. So let meask me something: You ever tell you stock you're going to stockwork. Youever tell you something got to stop worrying about that you're, going tostop doing that. What would your life be like if you didn't have any of thosefears? What would your life be like if you never were concerned about whatother people thought about you? Well, I guess you'd be Alete, StigaAmins, pretty good hin, you wouldn't be Helpo, playand, stuff and thing. Idon't know what what would happen. Thatud be a pretty good deal, but it doesn't really happen. So sohere's t e the question the Question II sow. So what does thet meanwhile me tosay we're powerless. There is one ways all power and I W would e mean when no, U and power canrelead our alhols wit me o Beoly, God couldn't would e Ye Tesa Yon that Partin te big BOC where itsays what does it say? It says it says above everything we must get rid ofthis selfishness. We must or pills us. What do you think?That means? What do you think? What do you think they mean when they say theSelfishness Whar? Do you think they're trying to get you get rid of you know, God makes that possible. God tey Sa, you know, and what Os itNAM when it says, once we t take that we sincerely take that position, whatthey mean by sincerl. What do I mean by utterly? What do they mean arterly Aben?What do they mean by that Ere's? A good orderly direction is to do the nextright thing. Is that what it is I ame tempower? Thenext right thing I have the power to do biloraly direction. I don't know I havea bookcalled chapp to be nos, a wrote, tonotic they sai issort of thinging asto be abandoned. It says in the book and said the MEORCOTA morals or abetter philosophy of life would have helped us be sover a long time ago, ifa mere code of worlds, an Benposs in life, if te Thin Commandments, if goodorderlin direction is doe the next Tuct, if that would have helped as Wev beensover t didn't help us 'cause, we didn't have the power because he hasall the power. That means we ROA book. We ought to talk about God, God toRetheris, or he isn't whichs e decision going to be weare on a new base at thebase of Trusky miline upon God, we never ocologized. For God, we neveraccollegei forgot. All men of fate had courage. We we never apologize. Wetrust and die all tenafaith have courage. They trust their God. Whatdoes that mean? What is me the big book? Whenever you talk at an am Meetin, yousay: I'm Goingto Talk, Abot God, I'm Olly! Why? What is it me? You everfeeling an a meeting that you can't talk about God or if you do, you gotapologize for it wha. Why? Why do Peoplen Amy when thewhole book is written about trusting in God and making them the sentual factoryour life? Why do you think people an Nalcoholi ynonymous are scared to talk about a guy that should be the last place, tesscare to talk bout? Why do you think they mentioned the big book? NeverApologize, never apologize for trusting your God labing, because they know thatalcohol's wontof apologize because in chopygonostic hat says most ocal. Don'twant to do it, so they get mad. You know, and they don't want to do it. What do you think about that deal? Youhave a book that says you got to give your entire life over o God becomingTilerad IV, your entire life over to dod. What does it say it says beingconvinced we are now an step threeg? What is it mean to be convinced? Areyou conmince as soon as you say, as soon as you say, the prayer he thirnstep prayer? If you like the NO T E third decorate? Third Separate, I go inAsia. Third, did you get up and more, you convinced you' think alcohol capterthree months if they get on their kbees four months or five months, Ta say athirty separator. You think by saying the third sed prayer, all OS sudden,you're convinced well, if you're condensed that God is going to you knowdoing your life and do for you you're convinced about God, being thesecrifactor in your life. Why would you...

...ever be anxious again, maybe just by saying the prayer? That'snote, you know it's a funny thing. Sometimes I cont believe that once youfinally get to the point where you see the jels on your head once you finallygets to the point where you'R Seeig, the greed and you see the anger and yousee the covetet and you see the the things you are in love witen in thisworld that you put ahead of everything else. Once you see that- and you say Ifinally renoannounce that stuff- you know what I mean I'm going to make. Godnumber you know whatever it is. You say for some reason: That's about the timehe feels you're ready to go into theoth and turn out the heat fo somehow someway. If I could justmake an inclantation or say something, then alltri would go away. I think Iwould get the idea that maybe I'm doing this- that maybe I have the power.Maybe I have the power, maybe it's my will power. Maybe I don't need non, butsomehow they got my understanding as as soon as I say, I think I nean to stopdrinking and I say it sincerely. He allows hem to go for another six oreight months and crash and burn until I become entirely ready to stop trick andI get down on my knees and then, when I stop tricking, you know what I say to M.I know what I realized. I realize it had absolutely nothing to do with me. It had to do with God. I guess that's why Bill Wilson said inO Boton. I, as on three, the word has been so wonderful to make durig me ofThi Torb Lisese that I got to keep talking that and tellingother people'cause. He was absolutely convinced that his not drinting had to do t Godand nothing to do with his wants and desires. I sort of think that's the way goneworks. That's why it says the way we get a new perspective is by repeatedumiliations ind the find OL crushing of Eur Self Sufficiency. There's nothingthat convinces an owchougt more. That God exists that when they're trying todo something trying to do something trying to change SOM, someon,trigsomand, failing and failing and failing to feeling they life ismisurable misebal and then one day they wake up after realizing that they'rethey're they're crazy and they can't stop it and they have no power and thenall of a sudden God intercedes and they stopped doing it and they stopped doing it S. I don'tknow how long did it take ot to STORP dranking? How Long Didid intake you tostop making romance to send Ar piece of your life?How long does this top stop making a vanity stuff, the cenities of your life,you're alooks, the pcentitries of your life? You know other people, theCENAPEZ SIOR lie. How long does the Ta to make God a Sata piece of you life?What do they mean when they say he has to become the central fact of your life?That's almost like saying you got to think about Hem all the time. What doesit mean when it sens the big book, but we will not know you and the Big BookSayd something like this: it Saswell, that's! Okay, it says, Godwill handle that 'cause. You must relieve mels. Remember that your realreliance always has to be on him. He will even show you how to create theFELLOWSHOULP and gray leave and show you od, hang round with see what yourrelationship with him is. Rigtand greaterus would come to you and tellTus others you now, if that's true at that's true in the big book. If allthat is true, then why Dant we so wormd about talking about an Avy? Does ithave to do with fewer people? Is that if you're worried about it's, if you'reworry, listen, here's a little hint if you're ever worry about what peoplewill think about you? For God's Sakes, when you talk about got a name, meaningdon't ever ever ever expect to get rid of Fer people if you're worried about what peoplewill think about you? If you talk about God for God's Saan, aameeting, don'tever expect to get rid of our people...

...and just expect to live a life whereyou're always going to be worried about what people Taniif. That's whan, youline some people and I don't know how ithappens. I don't even know how it happen to me. I don't even know how Igot to the point I mean I know there's so many people that are drinkin thedrugaout Te. They can't stop, they can't stop and they can't even becomeentirely ready, and I don't know how it got to the point where I became entirely read where I started and I een seen on theTiteren wer got to the point where I actually want wanted to make God Tho Cenda piecein my life, but I know about the time I started wanting to make got centrice ofmy life. I start going to church Wepus, they encouragion big book. I didn'twork for the LO Poles. I didn't look for the PO, not saying you should go.You KNO as a big book, says we're not saying it's Aplegatory, but I looked atthe part where they say we say we Accuri Church H. Most of us go there. Isay that's what they did and I'm going to increase my conciesce out there todad. I don't give a crap what they say over there. I'm going to go ahead anddo that. You know it says you lose all presice EENGUES, I'm not going to worryabout whe theres sigre prints an charge wrinding I'm to do whatever. I can toput me in a position where I am constantly more thinking about God,whether it's Agh eanings, whether Tan out ot people, whether it's talking topeople I'm going to do that deal because I I wanted more to get closerand closer to some idea of God and what he is and whers than worrying about theguy. Next to Beinvanin. Thoughtogelh worry what other people thought aboutthet and about the end about that time, allsorts of things started. Happeng tog me. I started looking at the big bookdifferently. I started leaving it differently. I started daint Seingtings in the big book that we were come that I thought were unimportant. I meanI was working. I was working, I'm working the the program, just likeeverybody else, workd in the program of doing everything they SAA to do in theprogram except the stuff. I don't want to do and it's the stuff. I don't wantto do. That's killing me and eating my lunch and I'm saying why I'm nine years,od Rontenor so round fifteen years or I'm saying when is it going to getbetter? When am I going to be Rockin thefortomention existence and I' not be Rockin, the fourth mession existance,but I'm not really ready to do this deal. I'm not ready to do this, I'm not doingit on get at. I am I'm takin the middle of the road position. Sayse there is nomiddle in road position. We pick up the SPITIFAL tool's God aand on the M. Iwant to be Jesus and I want to be uhetner. I want to be spiritual with a OD and alot of baits on it. You know what I mean. I want the money and I want godeand there ain't. No. Yet I ain't got to make your choice. You know, there's tworoads. You know you gotto think one road to the other road. How do you BECpay when they say we become entirely ready? Let me ask you this hhave, youbecome entirely ready, you think you' become atilerated. Ijust say youget upon there and say God, I'm Entireli, but that's where tes dotaks on come on it. You know what I mean, you think, that's what does ityou tu say I'm entirely Rad, I'm entirely ready to do this. Okay, so Isaid I did the SIXTEP. I did this. I said to six that prayer, I'm there Idid the SE. Well, listen. I probably it's probably a good thing to do and then once you get entirely ready,maybe it has someto to do with the pound. Maybe it has something to dowith the computer humiliations. Mak Me Learn the value of suffering and thenwhat you learn the value of suffering than somehow he get to the Poirt, whereyou somehow become almost entirely ready or entirely ready. How do youhave that humility in the seuvern step, where they wher whwh wherewhere? TheBOT line is you're you're ready, and you know that on your own power, youyou are nothing, then you have no power you're willingto get down on your knees and just just be just ask for every morning everynight. So, instead of turning your life...

...over to God, you're living and turnedover life, Ay may y Ha what 's it takte to live.It turned Onerlife, Whele you're, not doing the step,you're litting Isteps as a make it happens the time. Maybe time actuallydoes mean something. Maybe the one thing time means is thatyou get the Falm more the more you're around the more you're sober and themore you get pounded the more opturities you have to be crushed and to learn who's got the power and who doesn'thave the Towe? Maybe that's it. I don't know I hear I say all the time. H Timedoesn't mean anything time doesn't neen anything well. Ithink they may be wrong about that. Sometimes time does mean somethingeverybody has to do their desert time so in any event, oo thatas. They O withsix and seven, but we burned an hour and I don't think anybody's sommittedto asiy drank right right, so think about it. You know, and I bless I I wish all of you blessingsand I hope you went go through the same crap I wentthrough in order to get to where you have to go just make God number oneithank, you very much.

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