AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 44 · 1 year ago

Russell S at Biggest Little City In The World Group - Reno NV

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at Biggest Little City In The World Group - Reno NV September 26, 2020

COMPOAM is all yours. Thank you, Chris. My name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic from the south tothe fast room, from Miami, Florida. Can y'all hear me?You always have to do these sound checks. You know, want to speak forforty five minutes and find out nobody heard word you said. So it'sgood to be here listen. I haven't found it necessary. Give you afew facts and then we can get to the real important stuff, I suppose. First of all, I want to thank Chris for asking me to speak. It's always good to be in an AV for me, I go toa lot of them, a lot of the units, and it's a privilegewhen anybody asks you to share their your story. I haven't found necessary tohave a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty oneand and so I'm in my forty year of recovery now. And let mesee, I'm I'm seventy one years old. I've been married thirty nine years.Thirty nine years. Yeah, my sponsor said don't get into any relationships, don't make any serious decisions during your first year. So I got marriedafter three months I didn't think it was a big deal, but I mayhave been wrong about that. I'm recalculating at this point, but it's toolate now. I'm too defensive a deal. You know, she's a member ofAlan on, our ladies of perpetual revenge, and she does a greatAutan on ten step. When I'm wrong, she'd probably have been said and shewas at an all day Alan on best to day. He's like aleader down here in Alana. I'm actually I'm not only you know much aboutAlto Holnon, and I'm telling you don't really have to know much about it, but but the truth of the matter is I would be what's called herfull of fire. You understand, I'm her qualifier. I am basically herdisease. I am her disease. When I go to the conventions with her, he's in the corner with a bunch of her, her cronies, andyou know that it whispering, laughing at all, pointing at the you know, is he's the one. That's the guy you know. So listen.I have four children, I race sober, and seven grandchildren and three dogs andand that's the deal. So I'm going to talk a little bit aboutsome stuff. I'm gonna you know, they say he's like a giant toolboxas a wrench, that that every nothing walks through the door. And Idon't know whether I'll be your ranch tonight, but I'm going to try to beas honest as possible and one God once told me the only thing youneed to do for good a mean he's be sincere and once you learn howto fake that, you got it made. I'll try to be honest about thewhole thing. There's no point in lying. You know, first ofall, I'm seventy one, I'm senile. You know, I really think Ito tell you that it's an important thing to be honest. I meanthere's a possible you might like something I said and you really have to checkwith your sponsor because I'm really not that well so. But and that's theyou know, I'm you know, here's the problem with speaking. And I'vebeen I'm a lawyer, so I'm a pay bullshit artists. So I've beenspeaking, doing steph series and talking. You know, ever since I hadfive years sobriety, I've been out there doing the deal. And the problemis not that I don't have anything to say. I mean I could.I mean, let me tell you something, it's going to get really good duringthe third hour at this talk. But but the bottom line is it'snot that. Here's my here's my problem. Okay, with what it was likeand what what it was like, what happened and what it's like now. I'm just going to be honest with you and shared my problem with you. It's not a big problem, but I just want to know what itis. I drank for I don't know, twenty years, Fifteen, twenty years. I've been sober almost forty years now. You know, I don'tknow what's I don't even know what what that adds up to. You two, forty, sixty, whatever it is, it says our stories disclosed in ageneral way, what we used to be like, what happened when weare like now. And I got a...

Shitload of stories. I got alot of stories. I got stories that are five minutes long, I gotstories that in twenty five I got I got a I got a story,one story that last thirty minutes, forty minutes, and and you know what, the store or every one of my stories. I got stories about beforeI stopped drinking. I got stories as to what happened when I stopped drinkingand I got stories for last forty years about what it's like now. Igot stories about early sobriety. I got stories about Middle Sobriety. I havestories about fifteen years and twenty years sobriety. I got stories about thirty nine yearssobriety. And every one of my stories, you know what? Mystories are all about the same thing. They're all about the disease of alcoholism. They're all about how I almost killed myself. Calm Manager wrote in thebook man against himself that suicide said alcoholics are a minimum about destroy themselves.wrote that in one thousand nine hundred and thirty nine. I got stories abouthow I almost destroyed myself. And other people I got stories about how Ialmost destroyed myself. They have to come in and day and and and andlet me tell you something. These stories are important to me because there's storiesabout the disease. I'm just telling you this is all from my point ofview. My sponsor once said to me, my first sponsor, I have gotfor because when you stay sober for a while, they die on you. You know. They passed away great men. And my first sponse oncetold me, you said the first step and getting out of jail is knowingyou're in jail in the first place. And I thought alcohol was my jailself. I came to the point where I thought that was the jail,that was the bondage. But you know, after I came down and I wassober for a few months, I realized, I started to realize thateven though I wasn't drinking, I was still crazy. I had a sponsorwants tell me that he thought what he had to leave a a after threemonths because he said, even though he loved Aa and he thought it wasthe greatest thing in the world, he said I had to leave and Isaid live, says Russell. I said, I don't think I'Ming Out, Ithink I might just be crazy, and he was. He was despondentbecause he loved a AIGs, I said, and I reminded him how it kepton to do some something a and how really get an AIDS as Iknow, I know this is for Russell. I think I'm crazy. I thinkthat's my real problem. Crazy. And I said, Tommy, Isaid listen, he says what I said. Listen, I said, Tommy,you can be both. He said really. I said absolutely absolutely.He said, Oh, thank God. I thought I had to lead,you know, because you know, it takes about three or four months torealize that there's something going on that's wrong with you and it has nothing todo with Scotch. And then you finally see things in the big book thatmaybe you missed beforeward says alcohol consumption is not our disease, it's not theproblem, it's as it's a symptom of it's a hell of the symptom,but it's a Simtha are real problems that there's in our mind, on ourbody. And then they after you stop drinking, you get to maybe spendthe next ten to fifteen years, maybe twenty years, to see really howlarge the jail cell is. You get your little penlight and you sort oflook around and then there's the jail cell of lust, there's the jail cellof pride, there's the jail cell of bread and anger, there's a greatjail cell of envy. You get to see how large it is and thatthe mentions of the jail cell and how it's killing your life and everything likethat. And you know the truth is is no getting out of the jailcell. You know, no get an atomless you know what the jail celllooks like. And even after you know what the jail soon looks like,it's hard to get out of jail when you're so comfortable until self and youfinally have to come, come to the point where you become tolly ready toleave jail, entirely ready to stop screwing around on your wife and Tilly,ready to stop saying I wish I had this or I finally had that,entirely ready to stop trying to grab ass...

...after a lest of the worldly clamors, to be entirely ready to make God the central fact of your life.So then finally you can find out what the real disease is. Unhealthy dependencies, dependencies on people, dependencies on my heels and romance, dependencies on money, dependencies on material things. So you can maybe, finally, possibly,we rock it into the fourth dimension of existence experience much of heaven by finallylearning really what the great fact is and putting the pedal to the metal andmaking God the central fact your life and actually being convinced, which takes along time, being convinced that it really does live in your heart and mindin a way which is a deep miraculous and he can do for you whatyou've never done for yourself and that you can't do for yourself, and finallyunderstanding that the real problem is selfishness and actually finally learning what that selfishness lookslike, because it's impossible. It's impossible to stop being selfish unless you knowwhat you're sucking. You can't stop being selfish when you think you're actually,basically it's, a good person, when you're really basically an evil person,is not a good person and left to your own devices, they're going tohurt somebody. You're not going to do good early direction. You're going todo good, good early direction based upon your opinion. You know. You'renot going to do the next right thing. You're going to do the thing thatyou think is right, and it's a real difficult thing. When you'renot off, you start doing the things that you think is right and thensix months later you learn why the hell did I ever said that? Whythe hell did I do that? Why the hell did I say that?And you realize that you're not really a good arbiterrm figuring out what's right,because the truth is, your rationalize, you could tell you so rationalize thatyou believe. You buy into your bullshit. You say things to yourself like I'mgive a crap what other people think about me. You say it overand over again. Sometimes you announcer the world that you can give a crapwhat other people think about you, when you really when you don't even realizethat the only people that say to themselves they don't give a crap what otherpeople think about them are people that spend their entire life worried about what otherpeople think about them and actually think that other people are actually thinking about them. Because people that really don't give a crap what other people think about themnever tell themselves. They give us. They they never try to talk themselvesinto thinking that they don't give a crap what other people that they say.They never say that stuff. They say things like pass the sugar, butthey don't say that Shit, you know what I mean? And you startrealizing this is a real serious the seats and the problem with the disease isit has to do with your thinking, and you realize that it's one thingto give up the drink and it's another thing to be powerless over the thinkingand you wake up at three o'clock the morning and abject fear because you're worriedabout the same thing that you've been worried about the three weeks. Three weeksyou've been worried about this thing. You tell everybody you know and your sponsorabout this thing that you're worried about. They tell you all nice things.You go to mean to feel good for a few seconds and then you're worriedabout it again. You wake up thinking about it, you go to sleepthinking about you wake up three o'clock the morning. Sometimes you even say yourselfthis. You say something like this. You realize that it's killing you,you realize that all the thinking of the world isn't getting you anywhere, thatyou even say to yourself. You say something like this, I got tostop thinking about this. I gotta Stop Thinking about this. I've only gottwo hours sleep, I'm going to work. I got to stop thinking about this. You have explained yourself that all the thinking of the world, allthe all the frigging this. You added up the bills, you've added upthe money. It's not every time you add it up you're screwed. It'snot putting any money in the bank. You've got to stop thinking about itand because it's killing you. And then five seconds later you start thinking aboutit again, and you know it's almost like I got to stop drinking.I gotta Stop Drinking, I gotta stop worrying, I gotta have what's itlike to be sober and be in fear and have anxiety? You know,I'll tell you what. There ain't no anxiety like sober anxiety. Three o'clockin the morning, you know your life...

...is over, they're all going tofind out. Divide your phone, piece of crowd. And then those voices. What about the voices? What does that have to do with it?To teach? What about that stuff? When you're in the shower? Areyou driving a car at all? A sudden here that voice and says you'rean Asshole, you want to kill yourself, you never going to be okay,and you turn around to seem same exit to you and you're the onlyone in the car. You know, I'm going to that come from thatlike being down from Mars. Or is that really your reputation about yourself?Your reputation about yourself with you. Is that really finally the voice that breaksthrough, the tells you what you really think about yourself. And maybe that'swhy you feel like that's why you feel less, why, for the lasttwenty, thirty years or forty years, you felt basically keep down, signup, unworthy, no matter how many times you think. They don't understandme and they're know how great I am and how wonderful I am. Maybethat, maybe the default position of the alcoholic is to constantly feel a senseof unworthiness. Deep down the side, they know they don't deserve the alive. That the basically piece of shit. Hey, somebody feels like that.That's part of the disease. I mean the big book says the twelve andtwelve says and lesson. Until an alcohol excepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, the sobriety would be precarious of true happiness, will find none at all, and I think happiness is sort of important for various reasons. Because itsays on a big book. So that's true. Then what are the consequencesof being an alcohol maybe feeling unworthy is the consequence of what. What wouldwhat would hell a person act? What would he say how would you thinkif you lived his entire life feeling that he's unworthy and worse than everybody elseand not good enough? I mean, would that be a person that's constantlysaying to himself, if only I had a wife, if only had ahusband, if only I had a better job, if only I had moremoney, only I had a car, if only I can lose a hundredpounds or fifty pounds, if only I was blond and nothing brown, thatif only other than Reno, you know, if only, if only, ifonly, if only. You know, what do you finally realize that whenyou constantly come, constantly, constantly tell yourself you're an if ball playerand he yes, butter, and you don't understand her and your entire lifeis trying to figure out what's wrong with you and saying, if only Ihad this, and you know that's the problem, because you run after thatthing and you grab that thing and you get that thing and you feel goodfor I don't know what's the half flight, five minutes a month. You getmarried to that Gal you know will change your life and everything's greater thanyou have a child and a house and everything, and everything's great and thensix months later you're looking at some redhead at a bar and you're saying thingslike if I only had that idea, of if I only had this ideelkright, you know, if if only. And when you finally realize that everytime you say to yourself, if only I had this idea, okay, if only had that idea, okay, when you realize that every time yousay that to yourself, you're repeating over and over again to yourself,I'm not okay, I'm not okay. When you finally realize that you livea life telling yourself over and over again that you're a piece of shit andyou're not worthy and you're not capable of love and nobody you know I meanthis disease. How long does it? How many times do you have tobe crushed to actually even get a sense of how sick you are, youknow, and how selfish you are? I don't know. Apparently a lotof times, because the big book, in the Twelve and twelve, saysthe way we get a new perspective is by repeated humiliations and the final crushingof our self sufficiency. It says that in the seventh step. So apparentlythe even though I thought as soon as I stopped drinking that everything is goingto be wonder wonderful. Apparently that was just the first crushing. That wasthe first crushing. You know, that was the initiation crushing. You knowwhat I mean? Apparently there's some more...

...crushing going on. You know,apparently you got to do the first step over and over and over again.You know, apparently that's has something to do with getting sober and learning stuff. You know, how do you get on this rocket ship right in thefourth dimension? So my problem is this. My problem is is that I gotall these stories and they're all about the disease, what the disease lookslike. I can be and it's all about having the disease, feeling disease, dealing with the disease. It's all about having the disease and not drinkingbecause of even though I have the disease. And then every story I have inmy artillery after I can day is all about how, with these stories, I didn't drink. It's all about victory over the disease, victory overdisease with the help of with the help of God, victory of the diseasewith the help of God and then finally arriveing at the point, what doesit say? We will surely meet when we trudge the road to happy destiny. Let me tell you about the road to happy destiny. Let me tellyou something that there's like a dvanced a the road happy destiny is a roadto happy destiny. It's a road to happy destiny. At the end ofthe road there's something called happy destiny. You know, what happens is,as you're trudging the road to happy destiny, you're not yet a happy destiny.You're not yet. You're trudging a road to happy destiny and there area lot of exits on that highway. There are a lot of places wecan get off that I here's a lot of clammers, worldly clambers that willsteer you away from that highway. And here's the problem of being in themiddle of the road to happy destiny. Here's the problem not really being ahappy destiny. Yet we have a big book that says when it talks aboutthe great fact, it says there's no middle of the road a solution.It says there's no middle of the road solution. There's no it says Godeither is or isn't. What's your decision going to be? It says youcan't even you can't. Here's what it says. It says if a merea code of morals or a better philosophy of life? What helped us?We Bet sover long time ago, but that no code could help us.Nothing can help us. That's why we wrote a book that we could talkabout God. God either is or isn't, you know. And here's where weget upset at that, because we don't like God. We don't likethe God thing. And the book says, and it's written to the agnostics,it's the only part of the book that's written the agnostic. It saysthis sort of thinking has to be abandoned. But what if you don't want toabandon it? What if you can't abandon it? What if you wantto do anything but give your life over to God? Even though the bigbook says we're on a new basis, the base of trust and relying uponGod. Even though the big book says, don't worry if they laugh at you, we never apologize for God. We never apologize for God twice.They know, the PEOP book says, says all men of faith have courage. We Trust our God, even though the big book says at the end, it says we must get rid of this felt with this this this problem. We must a selfishance, we must or kills us. God makes thatpossible, even though right after that it says once you make a sincere decision, for God also remarkable. He's happening, being all powerful, they'll give useverything we need if we stay close from the performance, work well,even though the book says see to it your relationship with him is right,and great events will come past you and tell us others. It's not thefourth step, the fifth step, the eight step, the nights up,every step, the perpet do the perfect stuff. I'm going to do theperfect it says. Nothing means nothing if you don't have a belief in God, if he's not the sent a bit piece of your life. I'm nottalking. This is my opinion, this is what I've learned after forty years, and this is what I read in the big book. It's actually inthere, believe it or not. What are you? What are you goingto do when, somehow, some way, even though it says there is themiddle of the road solution, even...

...though it says half measures of valuenothing. Something inside of me tells we half measure will actually give me fiftypercent. What do you do when everything in your body wants the negotiate withthe negotiate with the cure? What do you do when you want to sayno, that's your that's that's your program. You got your program, I gotmy program. You do it your way, I'll do it my way. What if it is only one way? Maybe there's only one way. Maybethe disease is so virulent and so horrible that there's only one way.That they talked about in nineteen thirty five and maybe they were doing in nineteenthirty five and then maybe somewhere down of the road, because of the maybewe have a big book and in Twelve and twelve that map side exactly whatdoesn't say. Rarely have we seen a person of fail who has thoroughly followedour path. The big book was nineteen thirty nine. A started in nineteenthirty five. Between Nineteen thirty five thousand nine hundred thirty nine, what theywere doing was not reading the big book, the books they found absolutely essential.According to talk about the girl timeas was first with the thirteen sermon onthe Mount and the book of James, but we don't read those, eventhough they said they're absolutely essential. There's a lot of things we don't dobecause, because here's the problem. Here's the problem. We have a bigbook in a twelve and twelve says God either is or is that what yourdecision going to be? We got a big book that talks about me,thank God. We got a big book that says, and I'll tell you, I know what it says, because they're read in a hundred different places. You know that that it's all. It's an all or nothing thing.You know, if you know, have you you must get rid of allthese old ideas. But result his nail. You got big book. It saysyou can't manage your way out of it, you can't think a wayout of it. No humans going to get your way out of this.God couldn't win if he was sought. And then you said the rest ofyour life seeking him and seeking him and seeking him. And you finally havea sixth step that says this is the step that separates the men of theboys, because apparently there are a lot of boys and girls that just wantto join the not drinking club. And then you've got men that, accordingto the twelve and twelve, are men that are trying to grow in theimage and likeness of their creator, their creator, they're deity, trying togrow in that and not settle perhaps measures. Apparently that's what the book says.So what do you do when you have a book like that that laysthe whole thing on God and your faith in God and surrendering read Dr Bottoma good times. Page one one. What are you doing? You havea book that says all that about God and you got a fellowship that doesn'twant to fucking hear it, and you got a fellowship that will make youfeel guilty and will dison you and make you feel like they're stupid if youeven talk about God. I mean, apparently our fellowship, as much asI love it, because it's filled with psycho is just like me, apparentlythis fellowship is not well, people's anonymous. So what do you do? Haveyou ever been in a meeting and you actually, as anybody ever beento an AA, wouldn't worry about what they're going to say, never worryyou. Ever, you ever not mention God, even though you believe inGod and it's helped you because you're worried about whether people will like you ornot. What if one of the consequences of this disease is an addiction topeople's approval? What if we're all codependent of what if our entire life wefeel so shitty about ourselves and so unsure, with so second gets are felt?What if what if they put what if they said one of the promisesis that fear of people will leave us? What if they put that in therebecause they know alcoholics are definitely afraid of people and it causes us tohave shitty lives because all we do is worry about what people think about whatdo you do about a fellowship where you're going in there in the entire bookis about God, and the bottom line...

...is is you cannot talk about whatthe book says, even if you feel it, because people will make youfeel guilty. I needed any place you can should talk about God and shouldbe an alcoholics anonymous. What do you have? You have a fellowship thatis wordered it down so much that they will make you feel guilty for evensaying that, and you feel guilty and everybody in here knows exactly what I'mtalking about. I guess what happens is you just that that forty years.You can do that shit from you figured it out somewhere around thirty years.They can't fucking fire you. They can't fire me. It's they can't pryme. And here's the crazy thing. They don't fire me to ask meto speak all over. I speak about the same thing. And you knowwhy? Because there are people that want to hear the message of death andwhat you people that want to hear this because they don't want to just playgames and do entertainment, a a and all that stuff. They want tolive a life where the rocket in the fourth dimension of existence. They wantto experience much of heaven. That's what they want. They don't want thesame old group therapy bullshit. You understand. So I digress. So here's theproblem I have. Okay, let's get back to my problem. Let'sget back to talking about me. You know what I mean. Me,me, me, being me. Let's talk about me. Oh, enoughabout me. Sure, let's talk about you. What do you think aboutme? You know, whatever, let's go mass okay. So here's this. Okay, so here's my problem. Somewhere towards the end of this talkI'm going to get to what my problem is. We'll talk about my problem. But side this is what happens. is how the mind works. Idon't have any can speeches. You know what I mean. I just gowherever the flow is. You know, it's it's like a truck, it'slike a giant. It's like watching a train wreck, isn't it? It'slike crazy stuff, you know. And so here's the deal. Here's thehere's the problem. So I got all I got. I got at lastcount. I finally had to put them down because I was going to theseconventions and everything and I said I got to start. A guy would comewith me. Says, do that story. I like the story. And dicethink they request stories. Do the story about the Camaro. Do thestory about the mind is dudes. So I actually put down the stories,you know, and I and what happens is when your spiritually minded and youlove the Lord and you're walking around the low place, everything that happens toyou is another story. It's another story. You know, it's it's like amazing. God is like all over the place. You know, all theGod incidents and everything. So I did the last time I captain was likea hundred eight nine stories. We'd have to be here for a week forme to go through all the story. So here's the problem I am.The problem I have is this. I got to tell what it's like,what it's what happened when it's like that. And I have, last count,one hundred and eighty nine story and these stories you don't like. SOAPHY'schoice. These stories and, like my children, these stories define me andtell me who I am and what I am, what my life's about,how God has worked in my life, tells me all about disease. AndI gotta pick. Here's the problem. I got to pick like four orfour or five stories. You know what I mean. And I'm senile.You know what I mean. It makes it even worse. It's harder,you know, and so what? So I'm going to tell you. Idon't even know how much time I am. I'm going to tell you like threeor four stories. Well, I'll tell you. And if it's aproblem sometimes, you know what. And here's the other thing. I reallywant to skip over the drinking stories. And the drinking stories are important.I know they're important, but I want to skip over the drinking stories becauseI don't want to talk about drinking, because I can't help anybody talking aboutdrinking, because still be a lot of people talk about drinking. And besides, if you don't think they're an alcohol you don't you have a drinking problem. That's way too sure that it is to start drinking anyway. So youknow I mean. I'm not sure you can talk somebody out of drink unlessthey're ready. You got my spots. You say you can't rob an alcoholwith desperation. Don't Robin Alcoholic his last drink. I want to talk toyou about sobriety. I want to talk to you about forty years of supper. I want to talk about being rocking,...

...the fourth dimension exist. I wantto talk about emotional sobriety. You know I mean. That's what Iwant to talk about, not that drinking. Listen, I came to alcoholics anonymous, because no woman, no car, no matter of money, no suitof clothes, know nothing ever work quite as well and quite as fastas just a few drinks. And that's the bottom line. And if alcoholwork for me the way work me when I was eighte eighteen, nineteen,twenty years old I'd still be drinking it. And the problem, I promise,is alcohol doesn't work for me anymore and the real problem in my lifeis to stopped working for me about ten years for if I realize that stoppedworking for me. And I heard a Shitload of people and I heard alot of people. I met a beautiful girl, a nice girl, incollege and I said, if I only had this girl, I'd be okay, and I'm Kevin and that Earth Man, believe me, I wanted what shehad and I was willing to go to any length to get it.I moved Hevin on Earth to charm my way and insinuate my way into ourher life, thinking I loved her. Listen, I never, I nevermet a girl that I wasn't in love with. You know. Well,I thought it was loved. It was actually something else that I won't gointo, you know. But the bottom line is is that and I loveand I said I could only have her and I managed to marry her andwe had a child. I was I was and we had a beautiful houseon Miami Beach. We had the whole thing, and then six months laterI'm looking at other women she wasn't working for me anymore. You never buya new car. I wout a new car. It was wonderful, beautiful, it was beautiful, and six months later it was like an old car. Wasn't that Nice? I said, I finally had this car. Youknow, every buy a nice suit of clothes and you say you feel likea million dollars. You feel good, you know, and so you knowit's the clothes that make you feel good. You know, because you can't feelthem without the close. Anytime you need something to feel good, itmeans it means you feel like crap without the deal. You know what Imean. So the deal is so. So I got a light and shemade me feel good for what six months? That was it. Then I atthe next four and a half years trying to figure out how to getfeeling sorry for myself and less than after other women, trying to figure outhow to get out of that relationship. And I never cheated on my wife. I never treat physically on my wife. I would just come in every nightat four o'clock in the morning, hanging out of the bars, lookingat other women, saying, if I can only have that one, ifI only have this one, and then we finally went to a marriage councilorbecause she had a child and she thought it was he apparently, apparently,I don't remember this because it was a big party and I've been drinking.Apparently, at some points in time at the wedding somebody said to me tilldeath do you part. You know what I mean, which, quite frankly, I think it's like a ridiculous sort of contract. But she was takingit seriously, you know, and she wanted to try to save the marriageand we went to a marriage counsel and the marriage announcilor said to her,Ronnie, what is it about Russell? Give me three things about Russell thatyou'd like to see change. And I'm sitting there and I'm already making dateswith the gals in the bar. And the bottom line is is I realizethat I'm in a bad situation because I had just busted loose from the jailand she's trying to get me back in the jail. And I don't rememberwhat she said. She might have mentioned drinking or coming home for dinner.She might have mentioned that. And then he turned to me and says,Russell, what are the think three things you want to change about your wifethat will pick something your marriage. And I looked at him I said,I just want to go out with other women and that was the end ofthat session. Now, generally, when people hear that, and I liketo tell that story because it's the truth, especially when women here, I didget that look on the women, get that look on Chris. You'renot going to say some women look at me when I tell that's sort it'slike they don't like me. It's almost like they don't like that the manafing. You know what I mean, because I think what they think is thatthe only person to do something like that is a piece of shared, selfish, evil person. And the reason I said that is because I was apiece of Shit, selfish, bum evil, irresponsible person. And you see,you need to understand how evil you...

...are and how much you can hurtsomebody because of your selfishness, to understand how screwed you are. Because ifyou're an alcoholic and you only think you just banded, sometimes you're basically agood person, you have a good heart, then you want to know something.You don't have any clue as to what kind of disease you have.Or you and I have suffered from different diseases because I'm a selfish son ofa bitch, and that's what I am. And you want to see. Thebest thing that has ever happened to me is learn over a period oftime, what an ASS whole I am. I was a I was a trialattorney. I Graduate Department alarms and mathematics, you know what I mean. I was going to my phd and Algebraic topology. I decide to goto law school instead national science. How then, and fellow you know,I tried Comon. I tried twenty homicide cases before I was twenty five yearsold. You know what I mean? Not Maybe people get involved in thatkind of stuff or do that kind of stuff. You want to US something. I wasn't a loser in that sense, you know. I mean to theworld I was. I was success, and you wanted something, I would. I was a bum in a three piece suit and thought I wasgreat, because my best thinking got me in here and won't tell me anythingabout myself. I lie to myself about who I am and what I am, and the greatest guy I have going to meet myself is to finally getto the point where I had what's called Godly sorrow, where, instead ofself pity, which is worldly sorrow, because I'm a Selfpityo Holic, butI was never a godly sorrow, and a godly sorrow, hally, iswhen you finally you don't it's not like selfpity. It's finally getting to thepoint where you're ashamed of what you become, where you become ashamed of what youbecome. There is nothing greater than shame. You know, some peoplethink shame is a bad thing. I think shame is an incredibly good thingfor alcoholics. I've heard more alcoholic women tell me, but you don't understand, I'm a good mother and I've looked at him say, let me tellyou something. You're a shitty mother. Is that what you tell yourself?You're an alcoholic, you drink, you're emotionally not there for your child.You know, you think and you use that what you tell yourself to keepyou going, that you're a good mother. You're a crappy mother. I wasbrought up in an alcohol home with an alcoholic mother feeling sorry for herself. You're a piece of shit mother. You know. That's the deal.So gals don't be asking me any advice. You know, hope I'm the wrongguy, you know, but you want to know something. Is afunny thing when people in Alcoholics get the truth, the bitter truth, you'dbe shocked at how many of them all of a sudden turn their lives around. I don't know. There's something about hitting body. We there's a lotof Shit we tell ourselves. Hey, I'm a good this and I'll begood that. There's a lot of bullshit we tell ourselves. Listen, Icame to alcoholics when the constituence questions of my drinking came at me faster thanmy ability to lower my standards. You know, we have, we havea way of just sort of like proping ourselves up with so much bullshit.You know, need to make ourselves saying, well, it's not that bad.Yes, it is that bad. You know. Thank God I ranto the people in my life that would tell me. You know why?Because he is the problem. As alcoholics will kind of codependent. We don'twant we want people to like us. So you get these sponsors and otherpeople that want to pad you on the back and sort of lift you upand make you feel good. They don't want to tell you the truth becauseif you tell the truth, you might get madded them, you might firethem as sponsors, you might you might talk about and behind their back,you know, and stuff like that. And you know what they say inthe twelve and twelve. They say we don't argue withoutcoholics. We tell themto try. Wants to tryst with control drinking. And I had sponsors,sponsors, and they were me. I was supposed to be sponsored by JesusChrist, there Albert Einstein, because I like they ask knowledge and unfortuse.I got sponsored by UKR use, car salesman, you know, having meregulate the sixth grade. I was terribly under sponsored. But when I camedown boss anonymous, I had to neurons working and they were waving goodbye toeach other. So I was in a fit mental condition. So they voicedthese guys on me and I have the...

...sponsor in front of me in myoffice and I got literally twenty five plaques in my office attesting that I've beeneducated far beyond my capacity to understand anything. And I turned to Bob and Isay, Bob, these are my degrees, and he looks at meand he says this without missing to me. He says, well, you know, rust rectal thermometers have degrees and you know what they do with those. And so that's that's basically example of my sponsorship. My explain to myspons how smart and great I am, and he explained to me that Iam a donkey. He once said to me, I figured it out becauseI don't want to get too crazy about this thing, because I'm the middleof the road, tonic guy. You don't want to get too crazy.You might start going to church or something like that, and that's really offthe wall, even though, by the way, in the big book theyencourage church membership because they encourage you to get involved with people. They're alwaysfocusing on God, because your priory duty is to increase your conscious contact withGod to the point where every waking moment of the thing, no matter what'sgoing on, you're thinking, your default position is about God, and thatway you will never worry about the shit that's going on in this world.It will never have to worry about what's going on in this world because youwill train yourself to always be thinking about God, so you won't have toworry about prayer meditation, because your whole life will be prayer. You willlive a life of prayer meditation. You won't have to worry about have turnedit over, because you will wake up and it will have already been turnedover. You'll be live in a turned over life. So you won't bewaking up thinking about all the bad things or what you have to do.You'll be thinking about you'll be, will be saying, in my case,thank you Jesus, thank you for another day. That's just my case.I'm not trying to I'm not trying to evangelize anybody, but I'm allowed totell my story. This is my story. You know you'll take it to thelimit. You know, listen, this an address rehearsal. This isyour life. You're free to have a minus. Well, you're free tohave a life. You can be sober, you can be I'd see it,I sponsor guys with twenty, five, thirty years who are miserable, livelives of quite, you know, quiet desperation. You're welcome to havea horrible life and a life a hug of quiet desperation, but they'll giveyou your twenty five year medallion, they'll give you a twenty five years ofgallion. You can be cool, you can feel, you can be unhappy, you can be dissatisfied, can be filled with fear. They'll allow youto do it. You don't have to be rocking in the fourth dimension ofexistence. Shoot low. Hey wants the shoot for being normal. Oh,I just want to be normal. Holy Shit, what if you hit it? Can You? Have you looked at normally? Yelly, I've seen whatyour how about extraordinary? How about extraordinary? How about that? You know whatI mean. But then you have to hang around with people that aredoing that to you. You understand what I'm saying, because the person you'llbe will depend upon the people you hang out with. The books you readand the books you redal depend upon who you hang out with it, andthey'll be telling you. Also, it's a stupid shit because if you're analcoholic, you're insane. I know you're insane because the second step says youcome to believe that power ritting yourself will restore you to sanity, and Ithink you can't be restored to sanity unless you are insane, because if you'realready saying, why would you need to be restored? And it doesn't say. When it says came to believe that a power greating than self will restoreyou to sanity. It doesn't say that you will be restored to sanity.It doesn't say as soon as you take the second step you're restored to sanity. The restoration to sanity happens about thirty years later. Thirty years later,thirty years late. Okay, ten say I'm fullishit. Then Tal home,I got guys that say to me, they come up to me, theygot twenty years and they tell me that all the problems they have. Itellt yeah, I know that that problem. I had that at twenty years.You'll be okay in ten years. How got? How come? Howcome? I don't know what you notice this, but there is a differencebetween people that are five years of people that have thirty five years. Hey, listen, I don't know where you're at. Maybe you have ten years. Is they're difference between you with ten...

...years and you would one year.There's something you know. It's a great thing about having time. I knowpeople like to say time doesn't mean anything. Usually people that have only five,you know, a few years, say time doesn't mean anything. Doesn'tlet me tell you know what you what time mean? Times mean. Timemeans that you've been crushed crushed. You know, you don't putty. I'lltell you what means. It means I've been crushed for that long. I'vebeen crushed and crushed and crushed. There's something about it means the new perspectiveI have. And I'm not even close. I'm listening. I'M NOT PERFEC I'mnot even close, but I be. All it means is that whatever hashappened over a period of almost forty years now, with the crushing andthe crushing and the crushing and answer and the cancer and the IRS and themoney and this and that, that and the kids and the whole bit,whatever is happened to me over forty years to crushing. That's how much myperspective on life and things have changed. You know, I'll tell you.I can't. I can't tell. I can't tell whatever I'm telling you rightnow as to you know, since listen. If you don't like it, don'tblame me, blame alcoholics. Anonymous. I am a product of alcoholics.Anonymous. Call Up New York and tell them that there's some guy inrenal, the Vada that saying all this bullshit can be scared away new comers. You know, unfortunately they can't fire me. They keep on asking meto talk for some strange reason, and people come up and they say theynever talked about this stuff in my group. They never talked about God in mygroup. They never talked about God in any means I go to.And I said that's funny. They talk about him in any of the meetingsI go to because I'm talking about it, because I don't apologize for it,because my big book says we don't never apologize for God. We neverapologize for God. We let him demonstrate our life what he's doing for us. Because I believe the program of alcoholics anonymous and I believe what it said. I don't try to water it down, because I'll tell you something, whenthey started wordering it down and make it it easier because they don't wantpeople to get uncomfortable, when that started happened, I don't think the diseasewent along with it. I personally don't think that the disease of alcoholics anonymousset down and said, well, they're watering down the God thing. Ohokay, then we'll do it with the border, the book will we'll giveinto the water down way. You know what I mean? I think thedisease was clapping it saying those schools of watering it down. They had itin their hand. How do escape from me? And they're watering down becausethere's so stupid. As John Wayne said, life is tough, even worse ifyou're stupid. That's what he said, not me. So in any event, I told like one story, maybe two stories, maybe I don'teven two stories. One Story. I'm sorry, I have to apologize toyou. Know, I get on this name, with this emotionly sobriety Godthing, and I get, I don't know, I get I get myselfworked out like a Frettin Lynch mob or something. You know what I mean. I like you people, I don't dislike you. I'm not trying,really not trying to you. I hope you understand that. You know.But and if I let me tell you something, if you don't like whatI said, if it bothers you, just remember our spiritual axiom. Wheneveryou're disturbing, no matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. Sothen what you can do, as you can either drink over it orhate me, or go to a sponsor and put me on your list anddo one of those four step things, one of those inventory things, andthen you can be one of those people that come up to me two orthree years from now saying I used to hate you, but now I loveone of those guys. You know what I mean, because I'm telling youthe truth. You know what they say, like in the movie, you knowJack, that says you can't handle the truth. Maybe you just can'thandle the truth. That's that. Isn't that of an amazing thing? Withalcoholics, anonymous, you know, like they'll, even if they hate you, they'll listen to you. But there's...

...something about when somebody tells you thetruth. You can't fucking avoid it. It's like heart, it's like ahorror story. Kill me, the lawyers, and now you're A and now it'stoo late. You know why? Because I've insinuated myself. He's yourmind and you'll never be able to get rid of you've all been vaccinated.Now you can't walk away. You can't walk away from this meeting and likemake believe that you didn't hear what I just said. Even if you don'tlike it, I really sort of screwge you. You know, I haveto apologize. But here's the deal. Since I don't worry about what youthink anymore really, and I worry about the God, am I understanding things, which tells me that my job is to be a maximum service to Godand other people? And then I have to tell you the truth and notworry about what you think about me. And since I don't worry, Idon't judge who I am and what am by what kind of suit I'm wearingor what kind of clothes I have, or what you think about me.I only judge myself based upon whether or not I'm fulfilling what God wants meto do, because it says he'll give me everything I need if I stayclose to them and perform my work. And since I'll walk away from herethinking, God, I did what I told them, what you told meto tell them. Okay, the good thing about my part is, nomatter how you take it, what you do with it, I'll feel likeI did the right thing by him and I'll have another day of feeling thatI'm doing what I'm supposed to do in alcoholics and that is that is carrya message of death and weight in the matter of a message that can givepeople recovery, you know, instead of having like a form of religion withoutpower and a meeting for everybody feels good and everybody gets entertained and they laughedthe jokes, but it has no power to change anybody's lives because they're allsleep walking through fucking a on automatic pilot, thinking they're doing okay, and allthey're doing is just some sort of mental mass, spiritual masturbation, notgetting anywhere. Then say what I'm saying. Am I making any sense? Anyboy, anybody? I'll wake up out there NU nine hundred and fifty six. I'm done, it's over. It's over, that's it for me.I'm out of here. That's my story. I'm sticking to it. So.

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