AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 44 · 1 year ago

Russell S at Biggest Little City In The World Group - Reno NV

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S at Biggest Little City In The World Group - Reno NV September 26, 2020

Mbn Is all yours. Thank you, Chris, myname's Russe Tat, I'm an alcoholic from South Caas from Miami Flora. An you allhear me. Youll always have t o these sound chatsan only speak for forty five minutes, O find Ot. Nobod heard word. You said soit's good to be here. Listen I haven't found it necessary, give me a few factsand then, when cou get to the real enport and stuff, I suppose. First ofall I want to thank Christpor asking to speak. It's always good, Beingan Ay.For me, I go to a lot of he and it's a privilege when theybodyasked you to share their your story. I I haven't found necessarily to have adrink since January, twenty nineteen, eighty one and H- and so I'm in myfortieth year of recovery now and let me see I'm seventy one years old, I'vebeen married. Thirty, nine years, thirty,nine years Y, a my sponsor, said, don't get into any relationship, don't makeany serious decisions during your first year, so I got married after threemonths. I didn't think it was a big deal, but have been wrong about that. Irecalculating at this point, but it's too late. Now, I'm too deep intto adeal. You know and she's a member of bowing on our leads of perpetioalrevenge n. She doesn't rat Ownn, onten step when I'm wrong. She probablyadmittsit and she was at an all day Alenon best today he's like a leaderdown here. Now, I'm actually now much betteralenon and I'm telling you don'treally have to know much about it. But but the truth of the matter is I'm Iwould be what's called her. Follow Bire JSAID, imher qualifiere. I am basicallyher disease. I am Hur disees when I go to the conventions with her he's in thecorner with the Bunchmer, her chromigs, an the other, he whispering laughingand all plinking at tme. You know I h the one asked the guy, you know solisten I I have four children, everysover and seven grandchildren andthree dogs and H and that's the deal so I'm going to talk oe tout some stuff. I say es like a giant tol box as a RECTAT, every nuthing lost to door. I know whether I'll be arrenched tonight, butI'm t try to be as honest as possible and we god ones told me the only thing youneed to do for a good ains B, sincere in Wicherlan how to fat that o not madeso I'll. Try to be honest about the whole thing. There's no point in lying.You know, first of all, I'm seventy one on scenile, you know I, I really thinkiht to tell you that it's it's an important thing. To be honest, I meanthere's possibly you might like something. I said a d. You really haveo check of Yoursponso, because I'm really not that well so, but an as te Yo nowgere's the problem with speakingN, I en I'm a lawyer, so I'm a PA, Fulshit arist. So I've been notspeaking toinsteseres and talking knowever. Since I had five yearssobriety, I've been out there doing the deal and um the probe is not that I I don't haveanything to say I mean I mean. Let Me Tal you something! It'sgoing to get really good during the third hour at this tap, but h, but thebottom line is here's my here's, my problem, okay, with what what it waslike and what, when it was like what happened and what it's like now, I'mjust going to be honest with you and shared my my problem with you: It's not a big proble, but I just watchto know what it is I I drank for. I don't know TwentyYears Fifteen twenty years, I've beensober almost forty years now, you know I don't know what I don know.What that adds up to. You know o thousand and forty sixty whatever it is. It says our stories disclose in ageneral way what we used to be like what happened. What we are like now...

...and I got shiploadef stories. I got a lot of sworts. I got storiesTan of five minutes long. I gots stories that Ad Twenty five I g I got.I got a story, one story that lasts thirty minutes forty minutes and you Otosor every one of my stories. I got stories about before IAD stoppeddrinking. I got stories as to what happened whenI stopped drinking and I got stories for the last fourty years about whatit's like now. I got stories about. Early Sobriety IVgot stories about Middle Sobriety. I have stories about fifteen years andtwenty years sobriety I got stories about thirty nine years,O grive and every one of my stories. You knowmy stories are all about the same thing: they're all about the disease ofAlcoholis they're, all about how I almost killed.Mycell I'll manager ot in the book, man against himself T SUICIDDA setafhosemenhem O, not destroing themselves, wrote N, N, nineteen,thirty nine. I got stories about how I almost destroy myself, an other people. I gove stories Afthot, I almostdisprose Mysel they ave to come in day and an and let e Sasomethese storiesare important to me because there're stories about the disease, I'm just telling you this Ol. From mypoint of view, my sponsal one said to me my first pont ot, that for Eshan hestays over for awhile. They die on Olarly, pass away. Great man and my myfirst sponsont tol me. You said the first step of getting out of jail isknowing you're in jail in the first place, and I thought alcohol was myjail, so I came to PT Whee. I thought that was the jail. That was the bondage,but you know after I came down. I was sober for a few months. I I realized. Istarted to realize that even though I wasn't drinking I was still crazy. Ihad a sponsi on telme that he thought he had leave Aa after ter amosbus. Hesaid even though we loved ae and he thought it was the greatest thing inthe world. He said that I am leave and I said W as rough. I said I don'tbecome. I think I might just be crazy and he was he was despondent 'cause heloved Aa. I said, and I reminded him do some SOM, Aa and I'Willin do te AG. AsI know I know this is Barussell. I think I'm crazy. I think that's my realpromm, I'm crazy and, I said Tommy I said: Listen e sais. What I said,listen, I said Tommy you can be both. He said really. I said absolutelyabsolute, he said. Oh thank God. I thought I had a leave. You know becauseyou know it takes that thriple Monts to realize that there's something going onthat's wrong with you has nothing to do with statch, and then you finally seethings in the big book that make you misbeforeward says: Ow Cal consumptionis not our disease, it's not the problem. It's ISIT's a symtem of it's ahell ofsyntom, but is IAR real problem senters in our mind on our body andthen after you stop drinking. You get to maybe spend the next ten to fifteenyears, maybe twenty years to see really how large the jail sell. Is You getyour little penlight and you sort o look around and then is the Jell Cellof lust? Is the Jael cell? Ri is the Genlsell of Reed and anger is BritelsalAnvy you get to see how large it is and the dimansions of the Jill so and howit's killing your life? And everything like that. You know the truth is: There's nogetting owt of the Jailcell Youknow Nogen Ow, unless you know jealous alooks like and even afe. You know, O Jeus old looks like it's hard to getout of jail when you're so comfortable. Until so, and you finally have to come,come to the point where you become tily, ready to leave Jam Entirely Med, U Stot,screwing around Onyour, wife, antily, Mady Tis, not saying I wish. I had thisor IONLY IV bet entirely ready to stop...

...trying to Rabaser after a lust of theseworldly clabers of he entirely ready to make God the central factor, your life, so that, finally, you could find outwhat the real diseas is: onhealthy DOPENDENC dependencies on peopledependncies on ideal, a Promar dependnce's on money, dependn onmaterial things, so you can maybe finally possibly e Rocketin Teortimechof existence. I experience much of heaven y finally learning really whatthe great fact is and put in the pel the metal and make e tot the centralTougt, O your life and actually being ten minuts, which takes a long timebeing convinced that he really does Liv in your heart in mind in a way we as aeiraculent, and he can do for you what you've never done for yourself that youcan't doforyourself and finaly understanding that the real problem isselfishness and actually, finally learning what that selvices looks like'cause, it's impossible, it's impossible to stop ing selfish. Unlessyou know whet yourself, you can't stop. I selfish when you think you're Actol,basically is a good person when you're, really, basically an evil person is nota boosness o not to your own devices. You're going to hurt somebody you'renot going to do good, Orledirection you're going to do totorolly direction.pased upon your opinion, you know you're not going to do the next rightthing, you're going to do the thing that you think is right and it's a realdifficult thing when you're an Aho- and you start doin things that you think isright and then six months later, you learn why the hell did. I ever sendOnyou. Why? How did I do thiwhy? The hell did,I say tha and you realize that you're not really a good arbiter and figureout. What's right, 'cause, the truth is you're rationalizing Coul. Tellyourself rationalize that you believe you byind your pulsit. You say thingsto yourself like I gov I prapit other people think about me. You see it overand over again. Sometimes you announce it the world that you w go proer enpeople. Think about you. When you really Wan, you don't even realize thatthe only people that say to themselves they don't to te crop at other peoplethink about hem are people that spend heir entire life were in about whatother people ould think without him, and actually think that oe eeractalthinkig about Hem tharse people that really nont human grap. What otherpeople think about him? Never tell himselv thetuld give us the he nevertrying to talk themselves into thinking that they don't Gierat one of thepeople. They say they never sa that UF. They say things like that for sugar,but they don't say T act. You know what I mean. I Ou star realize that this isa real seriousness to eat and the problem with the disease is it has todo when you're thanking and you realize that it's one thing to give up thedrink and it's another thing to be powerless, Oer, the thinking and youwake up at three o'clock. The morning, an abject year, 'cause you'R worriedabout the same thing that you've been worrying about for three weeks. Threeweeks you've been worried about this thing. You tell everybody, you know inyou're sponsor about this thing that you're worried about. They tell you allnice things, OTL being if yoll good for a few seconds and then youll worryathat. Again you wake out. Thinking, othat, you go to sleep thinking! OBAT!You Win't go three o'clock the morning. Sometimes you ven se yourself this. Yousay something like this. You realize that it's killing you, you realize thatall the thing of the world isn't getting you anywhere, Tha, you o't evensay to yourself. You say something like that. I got to stop thinking about thit.I got to SAR thinking about T. I've only got two hours asleep I go to. Igot to stop thinkg about this. You Haven't explained yourself that all thethinking of the world, all all the frigeness you anted up the bills. Youbaded up the money. If Not Everytowe, you eaded off your screw, its notpetinganymoney in the bank, God to stop thinking about it, an a d because it'skilling you and H, and then five seond later you start thinking about it again. You know it's almost like. I gotto stopdrinking. I gotta stop drinking. I got to stop worning, I Gott, what's alike,to be sober and being fearing haven sign. You know I'll. Tell you whatthere ain't no anxiety like sover inzign three o'clock in the morning.You know your life is over they're, all...

...going to find out tat your fone pieceof crown and then those pointes went ot Ta woces. What is that Ave to do with edeceit? What about that stuff when you're in the shower you drive e farand all of Sud you're that voice an Sassol Yo an to kill yourself, youNevet know the O Gan. You turn around to see in Sane accent, do you andyou're the only one in the cal you know and Wer Aoos, I like being down fromMars, whereis acreally your reputation about yourself, your remutation aboutyourself with you a really finally, the voice of Brenk.To that tells you what you really think Bo so and maybe that's why you feellike that's why you feel that'st? Why, for the last twenty thirty years orwhat years you felt, fase e bedon SI unworthy. No matter how much timed youthink, theydnt understand me and grate I am and how on em I am Madin to Matinthe decoilt position of the Alcholho as the consant deal of sense ofunworthiness beap down aside tey know: they'll deserve to be alive at the BASCTEC e Shit. If somethiny feels like that, that's part of the disease, anthe big book, says the twons Alsas a lesson until an outhall excesses outholes and all is consequences. His SURRIV woul be precarious of truehappiness of ine. None at all, and I think happiness is sort of importantfor various reasons. 'cause the SISTLE's been wat, so that's true, thenwhan are the consequences of being at hall. Maybe feeling unworthy is theCONSEQUENCOT Wat I wat? What would HAV MOEN OU? Would a person act? What wouldhe say? How would you say if Yeu lived this entire Lihe feeling that he'sunworthy and wors that everybody else an' not good enough? I mean. Would thatbe a person? That's sconstly, saying to himself, if only I had a wine, if onlyI my husband, if only I had a better job. If only I had more money only Ihad a car, if only I coal lose a hundred pounds or fifty pounds, if onlyI was blond and on Treneck, if only other than Reno. You know, if only ifonly if only, if only you know what you finally realize that when youconstantly costly, constantly tell yourself you'rein ifoler an a yes butter and you don't understand er and your entire life istrying to figure out what's wrong with you and saying only I had this and youknow that's the problem. 'cause you run after that thing and you grant thatthing and you get that thing and you feel good for what sa lie. Five minutesa month you get married to that Gal. You know ll change your line andeverything's greate and have a child and a house and erything et everything,streagt and then six months later, you're looking at some red head out, Obar and yere, saying things like. If I only had that igeup there. If I onlyhad this, I feel whyyou know Yof only and when youfinally realize that every time you say to yourself, if only I had this I'd Bee,ok you've only had that idea. Okay, when you realize that every time yousay that to yourself you're, repeating over and over again to yourself I', notokay, I no okay! When you finally realize that you livealiy telling yourself over and over again that you're appiece of Shit andyou're not worthy and you're, not capable of love and nobody. You know, Imean this disease. How long does it? How many times you have to be crushedto actually even your asess of how sick you are you know, and how selfish youwill? I don't know, apparently a lot of times'cause the big walkon te tall and Twelv says the way we get ineperspective hisby repeted Umiliation and the final crushing of herself isies. It says thatin Thi Sebven step, so apparently, even though I as soon as I stopped drinkingthat everything's goingto be wonde wonderful, apparently that was just thefirst freshin. That was the first crushing. You know that was theinitiation crushing you know what I...

...mean, apparently there's some moreprushion going on. You know. Apparently you got to do the first step over andover and over again an apparently that has something to do with getting silverand learning stuff. You Know How do you get on this rocket Chiv rid before toMatche, so my problem is this: My problem is, is that I got all thesestories and they're all about the disease. What the disease looks like inme and it's all about haimancy feeling the deal Wittesese, it's all abouthaving the disease and not ricking, because of even though I have thedisease and in every story I have in my artillery, African gay is all about how,with these stories, I didn't rink as all that victory Oler the diseasevictory Ov Heseas with e Helof, with the help of God vitoreol disease withhelp of God and then finally Writinaon what ie it say when it will surely eetwhen we trussh the road to happy destiny. Let me tell you about theroads of happy destiny. Ont. Some of that ems, like a van Staa, the road, anhappy destiny, is a row, a happy destiny, its a ro too happy destiny atthe end of the road. There's something called happy destiny. You know whathappens is as you're trudging to rot to Hav destidy you're, not yet havindestiny, not yet you're trudgy a road to addeatly, and there are a lot of exits on that iswayd. There are a lot of placswe can get. That here is a lot of clamers worlly clamvers they'll steeryou away from that highway and here's the problem of being in the middle ofthe road to happy destiny. Here's the problem ot really being at happetattoyet. We andid what that says when it talks about the great back. It saysthere is no middle of the road solution. EAYS, there's no middle of the Rogulose Isit, says God either hears or isn't what your decision going to be. It says you can't even you Gegi LetsAsi says of a mere a code of morals or a better philosopy of life. What helpus we be so a long time ago, but that's no code to help us nothing can help us.That's why we wrote a book that we could talk about God, Goteriserhe,isn't you know and here's when we get upset Athaut 'cause, we don't like God,we don't like the God thing and the book says and its written to theagnostics TAT's, the only Quartiboo, that's re, the exhaustic itsays. Thissort of thing has to be abandoned, but whath, if you don't want he a Bano it.What? If you can't abandon it? What if you want to do anything but give yourlife over to God, even though the big BUF SAS were on a new basis, the Basiof trusting me lying upon God. EVN, though the big Ob sist, don't worry. Iftheyre laugh at Ou, we never apoogize. For God, we never apogized, for God,twice Yote People Siz says Al Man of faith have courage. We Trust our God,even though the big bod says at at the ADESAYS, we must get rid of the Spello.With this this. This problem, we must has selfi it. We MUSTAV recule, US Godmakes that possible, even though right Hav, O that at it says, once you make asincere decision for God. Also, O remarkbl whos happened. Being allpowerful he'll give us everything we needo, we stay close, O pormas work.Well, even though the vof says seeded, with your relation with Gimis right andgreat event: Al Comvests, you Antelos Oter. It's not the horse that the bisttat the eight step, the knight every set, the Purdu, the perfecst, that im odo the first. I nothing means nothing if you don't have a belief in dod. If he's not the centor fipiece of it I' no taught. This is my thing an this is what I learnedafter four years, and this is what I I read in the big book. It's actuallyintiere, believe it or not. WWHAT ARE HEU going to do when somehow someway,even though it says there is no middle...

...in the road solution, even though itsays aut measures about nothing, something tosign, meself, half Vesunwill actually give me fiftyn percent. What do you do? Wheneve and your bodywancs in Thedoche, Windy ncootiate with the cure. What do you do when you wantto say? No, that's your th t! That's your program! You got your program, Igot my program, you do it your way I'll! Do it my way, but if it is only one way, maybe is only one way: May the diseaseis so farilent and so horrible that there's only one way that they talk,Abou Inineteen, thirty five and maybe they were doing in nineteen, an thirtyfive at the Ay somewhere down of the road, because maybe we have a big bookand a twelve and twelve atmaat, exactly what doesn't say. Rarely Haveou seen aperson bell who has thoroughly followed our cab, the big bookas N, housand,nine htden and thirty nine Ey started and niteen thir by between nineteen Tifie, an nineteen, thirty nine. What they were doing was not reading the BigBuk, the books, they gound, absolutely essential. accordinint to talk aboutthe girl. Tiis was first mite thirteen sermon on the mout in the Bote Jans,but we don't reathose, even though they said they're absoluly essential.There's a lot of things we don't do because, because here's the problem,there's the problem, we have a big book in at Twelve and twelve says God,either resre isn't what Ho decision going to be. We got TA beop that TautAno Ede God we got a big book that says Andkay. I know what it says tat Ireadina hundred different places. You know that that it's all it's an all ornothing Tan. You know you know Ha Yos must get rid of all these old ideas. Wehesol his Al Abiwon says you can't manage away Ot. You can't take youwayout of it. No human's going to get nou way out of this God couldn't woul if hewas tought and then Ho spent the rest of your life seeking him and thinkinghim and taking of, and you finally have a sixstep a SAS. This is the step thatseparates the men, O the voice, 'cause, apparently they're a lot of voice andgirls that just wanted to join the knoct rinking club, and then you gotmen that, according to the twelve and twelve, are men that are tryed to grow.In the image and likeness of their creator, their creator, Theyr Deetid,try to grow anet and not settle frhalf meagure. Apparently that's what the bussays. So what do you do when you have a book like that that Plas the wholething on God and your faith in Gon and surrendering read Doctobob Billtomspage one of one? What do you do when you have a book that says all thatabout God and you got a fellow ship that doesn't want to puck and hear it and you got a fellowship that will makeyou feel guilty and we'll GIS on you and make you feellike they're stopid. If you even talk bout, I mean apparently our collendship asmuch as I love it, but with psychos. Just like me, apparently Thi Velwshipis not well people's anonymous. So what do you do? Have you ever beenin a meeting? And you actually have anybody ever been to an AA? Wouldn'tworry about what they're going to say, never worr ever ever not mention godeven, though you believe in God they help you because you're worried aboutwhether people, like you or not. Hane of one of the conequences of thisdisease is an addiction to people's approval, whatwe're all codependent. What if ourentire life, we feel so shitry about ourselves and soon sure Woel, so secondgets yourfell what what they coult. Why? If they'd said one of the popesisesthat fear of people will leave us what, if they put that in there 'cause, theyknow, alcohols are definitely afraid of people and it causes us to Haute shittylives cause all te do is worried about what people think about it. What do you do? Bot a fellowship whereyou're going in there in the entire book is about God and the bottom lineis it? You cannot talk about what the...

...book says, even if you feel it cause,people will make you feel guilty. I mean t any place. You think sheshould talk about God. It should be an Alcoholsnani wel. You have hem, youhave a fellowship that has wartered it down so much that they will make. Youfeel guilty or even saying that, and you feel guilty in everybody in hereknows exactly what I'm talking about. I guess what happens I syou just afabout forty years. You can do that ship. If you ficger out somewhere aroundthirty years, they kep up and fire you. He can't find e, so they can't Priamatand here's the crazy thing they don't Qri anyteyast me to speak all over N. Ithink about the same thing. You know why. 'cause there are people that wantto hear the message of death and window people that want to hear thit 'cause.They don't want to just play games and do entertainment, a a and all thatstuff they want to live alight where their Rocketin, the forth omentionofthe syste. They Wan to experience much of hapit. That's what they want. They don't wantthe same old group therapy bullship you understand, so I digret o here's the problem. Ihave okay, let's get back to my problem. Let's get back to talking about me. Youknow what I mean me me Ma name me. Let's talk about me, Oh enough about mesure, let's talk about you. What do you think about me? Let's go Merokay Soi, Iokay to her my croblem somewhere towards the Ende of the stock, I'm Gointo get to what my problem as soon as the talk about my problem is: What happens the south of mind?Work? I don't have any cank speechs, you know what I mean. I just Gowwhereeven, the flowins. You know it's like a trk, it's like a giant. It'slike watching a train reck! Isn't it it's like crazy stuff, you know, and so we es that e's The problem. So Igot E, I got I got at last town. I finally ought to puthim down cause. I was going O Hese Convention aid. Everything and I said Ige Sa a Gow. Come Up. Hend Sis do next through I like to Startin and dicete.They. They request sor to the story that t Camaro do the story abot theline, so I actually put down the storms. You know what happens us when yousparcely minded and you Lov aboard, and you want around the lone place evereverything that happens to us. Another story. It's another story. You knowit's it'slike, amazing! God is like Oll over the place, you know all the Godincidents and everything. So I did the last time I couned it was likecuttriignad stores. We'd have to be here for a week for me to go throh allthe story so Hereis, the problem I the prome I have. Is this: I'm going to tell what it's like whatwhat went happen. What it's like now and I have last ount one hundred andeighty nine stores an these stories. You know I sopes toysthese stories, like my Chilten, these stories define me and tell me who I amand what I am, what my life's about I've got his work in my life. Solls meall about disease and I got a pigeres the problem. I got to pick like four or four fivestories. You know what I mean and I'm senile.You know what I mean it makes it even worse. It's harder you know, and so,when a I'm going to tell you, I don't even know how much time I have ootaryou like three or four stories, we t it's a problem. Sometimesyou know whatinjures Yot set. I really want to skip over the drinkingstories and the drink is stors are important. I know theyre apoint, but Iwant to stip over the drinking stories 'cause. I don't want to talk aboutdrinking because I I can't help anybody talking about drinking because there'llbe a lot of people talk about drinking and besides, if you don't think you'rean alcohol, you oo drinking problem, that's th way to Trur. That is to startdrinking anyway. So you know I mean I'm not sure I you can fat somebody out anddrink unless they're ready you mu pot, you sa you can rob an alcohol wis,desperage Jon Robin Alcaltems last Ra. I want to talc to thout TA bride. Iwant to talch about forty years of Surri Wan to talk about being rotten,forten Etto. I want to talk about...

...emotional surbribe. You know I meanthat's what I want to talk about not to drink. I listen. I came down O hosanomscause, no woman, no car, no Mont of money, no suidiclaws, no, nothingeverwere! Quite as well, and quite as fast as just a few drinks and that'sthe bottom. Lin and AF OUT CO work omade. The way worked me when I waseighteen, nineteen, twenty years old I'd still be driken and the problem. Myproblem is s apple, doesn't work me anymore and the real problem. If mylife is O, stop o Epfo me about ten years. For if I realized this stopworking for me and I heard a Shitload of people and I heard a lot of people,I met a beautiful girl, a nice girl in college, and I said if I only had thisgirl I'd, be Ok and I'm Havin in tat. Nan. Believe me, I wanted what she hadand I was woling to go to Angland toget it I'm Wen tain en earth to charm myway, a insinuate. My way into her life thinkand, I loved her was tat. I neverhiked. I never met a girl that I wasn't inlove with. You know, ll. I thought it was love. It was actually somethingelse that I won't go into. You know, but the bottom line is, is that and Ilove- and I said I can only have her and I managed to marry her. We had achild and I was UH. I was, and we had a beautiful house on my Andy Beach. Wehad the whole thing and then six months later, I'm looking aother mon. Shewasn't working for me anymore. You ever buy a new car. I won a new car, I waswonderful beautiful, it was beautiful and six months later it was like an oldcar. What was in that night, I said. Well, we had this tar, you knowyorbuying ie to closhe and say you feel, like a million dollars to feel good.You know, and so you know it's the close that makes you feel good. Youknow 'cause, you can't fee it without the clothes anytime. You need somethingto feel good. It means it means you feel like crap without the deal. Youknow what I mean so to Dal is so so I got a wine and she made me go good forwhat six months that was it. I spent the next four and a half years tryithow to get feeling sorr or myself and loken after other women trying to d getout of Thair relationship and I never chased don O wif. I have atreat this Wmy wi, I would just come in every night at four o'clock in the morning hangingout of the bars looking at other women saying if I can only have that one inonly have this oeand, then we finally went to a marriace counsel, 'cause. Shewe had a child and she thought was se. Apparently, apparently I don't rememberthis 'cause. It was a big party and I had been drinking apparently at somepoints in time. At the wedding somebody said to me: TilDeath: Do you par? You know what I mean which quite frankly, I think it's likea ridiculous sort of contract, but she was taking it seriously. You know andshe wanted to try to save the marriage and we went to marriage counselor andthe marriage houses said to her Ri. What is it about Russell to me?Three things: Bot, rustled and you'd like to see chains, and I'm sittingthere and I'm already to making dates with the guls in the bar and the bottomLin is I realize that I'm in a bad situation 'cause I had just bustedloose from the jail and she's trying to get me back in the jail and ion't remomwhat she said she might have mentioned drinking er coming home for dinner. Shemight Imentione that and then he turned to me and says Russell. What are th tthree things you want to change about your wine that Oll put up to marriage,and I looked at him. I said I just want to go out with other women, and that was the end of that session.Now, generally, when people hear that- and II like to tell that story- because it's the truth well, especially when womenhere I tink, get that look on women, get that look on Chrisianao assistWomen Lookd at me, min to I sor, it's like they don't like me. It's almost like they don't lint like amad at you know what I mean, because I think what they thin is that the onlyperson who'll do something like that is a piece of share, Seltish, evil person and the reason I said that is because Iwas a piece of Shit, selfish, Bo, evol, ouresponsible person, and you see youneed to understand...

...how ebl you are and how much you canhurt somebody because of your selfishness, to understand how screwedyou are because, if you're an alcoholic- andyou only think you just Bann it sometimes you're- basically good person-you have a good heart Hend, you wantnow something you don't have any clue asthe what kind of disease you have or you and I have to suffer from differentdehease Ecause, I'm a selfish son of a witch and that's what I am and you want.Some of the best thing that's ever happened to me has learned over aperiod of time. What an Asshole I am I was. I was a trial attorney. Igraduated part of Larmas a mathematics. You know what I mean. I was going T myPhD and altibrate cacology. I decided to go to law school instead, natonalScienceot, Agian fellow know I tried hom. I tried twenty hobicide casesbefore I was twenty five years old. You know what I mean. Not many people getinvolved in that kind of stuff or do that kind of stuff, Ou Wan. I wasn't aloser in that sense. You know what I mean to the world. I was. I was successand you want Ed something I I was a bom in a three pieceon and thought. I wasgreat because my best think and got me inhere and won't tell me anything about myself. I lie to myself about who I aman. What I am and the greatest I have gone to. MEE myself is to fonly get tothe point where I have what's called Godly sorrow where instead of self pity,which is worldly, sorrow, ecause, I'm a self pityall it, but I was never a godysog and a Godly sorrow hauly is when you? Finally, you don't it's not likeselfbitty its fonly geting to the point where you are ashamed of what you cacome. We you become ashamed. What O becomethere is nothing greater than shame. You know some people think shame it's abad thing. I think shame is incredibly good thing. Browahais I've heard more alcohol. Women tell me,but you understand, I'm a good mother and IHAVE. Look to them say. Let metaste, Hem you're, a shitty mother is that whan you tell yourself you'rean alcohol on drink you're, mostly not there for your child. You know you N Yo,telln yourself to keep you going that you're, a good mother, you're, a crappymother. I was brought up in in an alohol home with an alcholic motherfeeling, sorry for herself you're a piece o shit mother. You know that's the deal so galsdon'tbe asking me any ofuce. You KNOWI'm the wrong guy, you know, butyou want now. Something is a funny thing. When people went alcohol to Kip thetruth, the bit of truth, you be shock N, how many of em all of a sudden turntheir lives around. I don't know, there's something abouthitting Bob. We does lot O ship. We tell ourselves hey on the good des Oi'mTok that there's a lot of bullshit. We tell ourselve, listen. I came toalcohols when the consequence onces of my drinking came at me, fastof themiability to lower my standards. You know we we have a way of just sort oflike propping ourselves up with so much Bullshir you now to make yourself Taiy.Well, IT'S NOT THAT BAD! Yes, it is that bad! You know thank gone. I ranat the peoplein my life. That would tell me you know why this is the problem as alhalomCONICA DEPENDEN WEU don't want. We want people to like us, so you get thesesponsors and other people theyl want to pag you on the back and sor of lift youuh it make. You feel good. They don't want to tell me the truth, because youtell a truth. You might get man on Hem, you might fire Om as sponsor you ight.You might talk about hem behind their back. You know and stuff like that, andyou know Wtthey Sayin Te, twelve and twelve. They say we don't argue withalcohols. We tell Heme Tri, uchtrust and control drinking and I had sponcyessplottors and they were mean. I was supposed to be sponse by cesus crise,Tougotan, Einstin, a vast knowledge and uncorsate. I got sponsored by new CORused car sales and you don' haventeen praduate to sixth grade. I was terriblyundersponsored, but when I came down Hosan Os, I had two nourans working andthen were waiting Dobidtin each other.

So I wasn't the mental condition, sothey poised these guys on me and I hade to sponsor in front of me in my office,and I got literally twenty five plaqs in my office, a testing that ihave beeneducated par beyond my capacity to understand anything, and I turned theBab and I said Ob. These are my degrees and he looks at me- and he says thiswithou missin ee says wit no rust, reckle, semometers Ofetreesand, you noeTino with those and so th T. that's basically example of my sponsorship. Myexplain O my spons how smart and grate I am- and he exclaind me that Iamadonyou once said to me. I I figured it out 'cause. I don't want to get toocrazy about this thing. 'cause I'mo been oer the Ro Tony God. You don'twant to get too crazy. You might start going to church an something like thatand that's really off the wall, even though, by the way in the big btheyencouraged church membership because they encourage Yo, get Poe with people,they're always Foko on, not because Youve primary duty if to increase yourconscious contract with God, to the point where every waking moment in theday, no matter what's going on you're thinking your depalposition is aboutGod, and that way you will never worry about the ship. That's going on in thisworld. You will never have to worry about.What's going on in this world uas, you will train yourself to alwaysbe thinking about God, so you won't have to worry about parmeditation, because your whole life will be pra. You'll live a life ofpyrameis. You won't have to worry the ternitive over ecause. You will wake upand it will have already been turned over. You'll be live in a turnedoverlife, so you won't bewaking up thinking aboutall the bad things o what youhave to you'll bee thinking about Yoyou, sayingin my taste, Tan diyou Tayou for another day. That's just mycase. I'm not trying to I'm not trying to advanagewise anybody,but I'm allowed to tell my sort. This is my stort. You know you'll! Take itto the limit. You Don' listen to say: Totrest, your Hersald IIS, your lifeyou're free to have a Misiale you'r free to have alihe. You can be Soer.I've seen IV spoo Guy Fom, twenty five thirty years who were miserable, wo,litteiupid a you know, quiet desperation, you're, welcome to have ahorrible light and a life quiet desperation. But they'll giveyour a twenty. Five Year, metallion you'll give you twenty five yeare Dolla.You can MEK Kuluca bill n. You can be unhappy, you CIL be dissatisfied. CanMe Killd, wit, beer they'll, allow you to do it, you don't have to be rockingin the Fort Mecio existence Sho. I hate man to shoot for being normal. I justwant to be normal. Only S. what, if you hit it, did you have you looke atnormall al I seen nohow about it's Stonanorrin, how ahout extraordinary?How about that? You know what I mean, but then you'd have to hang around withpeople that are doing that. You understand what I'm saying, becausethe person you'll be will depend on the people. You hang out with the books.You read an the Boo Serido depends on who you hang out with and Oben telyou.Also it's a stupid Shir, because if you're an alcohol you're insane, I knowher I' saying, because the second stet says you come to lieve, that how rely SOM wonl restore you toSanirday, and I think you can't be restored to Sandy. Unless you areinsane 'cause. If you're already saying, why would you need to be resored? Andit doesn't say when it says, came to believe that e Ower raving himself willrestore you to Sandy. It doesn't say that you will be restored to Saturday.It doesn't say as soon as you take the second step: you'll restored to Stanithe restoration to savity happens about thirty years later. Thirty years, late, thirty years, Wa, okay sail folition,then cow COI got guys that say to me they come up to me. They got twentyyears and they to on on the promts they have. I touyeah. I know that thatproblem I had that twenty years you'll be okay in ten years. I how come how come? I don't know whenyou notice this, but there is a difference between people that are fiveyears and people that have thirty Fiv.

You Listen, I don wher youre a maybeyou have tener. Is there diffent between you with ten years and youwould one there there's some. You know it's a greatthing about having time. I know people like to say time doesn't mean anything,usually people that have lik f. You know a few years. Si Tim doesn't meananything. Do let me Tan? You O Wat timin times me time means that you'vebeen croshed cross. You Don Yo Onwa I'll tell wit mean it means I'vebeencrushed for that long. I've been crushed and crushed and crissed there'ssomething about. It means the new perspective I have and I'm not evenclose, I'm listening, I'm not Fi'm, not even close, but if be all he means isthat whatever has happened over period almost fory years now, with thecrushing and the crushing and the cushing and cancer and cancer and theIras and the money af the desk and the Dat and the kids and the whole bitwhatever is happend to be over forty years to Prussan. That's how much myperspective on life and things have change. Yoi'll tell you, I can't I can't tell M.I can't tell whatever I'm telling you right now, you don't Si! Listen! If you don't likeit, don't let me blame Howhohol, it's anonymous. I am a product of alcoholics,an a call it New York and tell that that there's some guy in Reno Devadathat saying all this bullshipping, the scary away newcomers. You know,unfortunately, they cant fire me. They keep on asking me to talk for somestrange reason and people come up. He say they never talk about this stuffand mind. They never talk about God and my group. They never talk about God inany means. I go and I said that's funny. Tey Talk About Hem in an even meevings.I go to 'cause, I'm talking about 'cause. I don't apologize sport. Justmy big book says we don't never apologize forgot. We Never Logi, O God.We let him demostrate our life. What he's going from 'cause, I believe the program ofAcostanomnis an I believe what it says: Idon't try to Warter it down CAS I'll.Tell you something when they started wartering it down and making it easier'cause. They didn't want people to get uncomfortable. When that start happened,I don't think the disease went along with it. I personally don't Tan that Te Diseaseof APOLANOVA sat down and said well they're watering down the God thin. Ohokay, theywill! Do it with the Wordero Teo. Well, W'L, we'll give into theworder down way. You know what I mean. I think the disease was claing andsaying those schools are watering it down. They had it in their hand, Ot of escapefrom me and theyr water. It owt Beth us it's so stupid. As Don Wane said, lifeis Tauk even worse. If you're stupid, that's what he said not me so Nany TAT. I told like one story, maybe two son,maybe hundred and two stories, one stor, I'm sorry. I have to Paus ie to an Iget on this name with this emotioy sobriety. God thing and Ig, I don't Kn O. I guess get myselfworked out like a O, Linch Bob or something you know what I mean. I likeyou bo I don dislike you, I'm not ' really not trying to o understand that you know but uh. AhI'M! So if you don't like what I said, if it bothers you just remember ourspirits, Alaxium watever GIV, you certain, no matterwhat thet cost there's something wrong with you. So then, what you can do isyou heep, a Drik, O, Rit or Hak me or go to you sponsor and put me on yourlist and do one of those for step things N, one of those iletory thingsand then Ed Col be one of those people that come up to me to with reeas. Nowsaying I used to hate you, but now I lov one of those guys. You know what I meanEcause, I'm telling you the truth. You know what they say like in the movie aSas. You can't handle the truth. Maybe you just can't handle the truth. Ththatis not an amazing thing. withohols anonymous, you knon like bill good,even if they hate you they'll, listen...

...to you, but there's something about.When somebody tells you the truth, it can Fuckan avoithat. It's like hard.It's like a horror story, kill, oos and now. Aand now is to late in O, Wi'cause. I Ave insinuated myself ease you, mine and you'll never be able toget rid of you've all been vascinated. You can'twalk away. You can't walk away from this meeding and Li. Make believe thatyou didn't hear what I just said. Even if you don't like it, I really sort of scrurge it. You know Ihave to apologize, but here's te deal since I fon't worry about what youthink anymore really, and I worried about the god of y understanding thingswhich tells me that my job is to the Amaciim Service of God and other people,and then I have to tell MOU the truth and not worry about when you thinkabout me, and since I don't work, I don't judge who I am and what I am by what kind of suit I'm wearing or whatkind of clothes I have or what you think about me. I only judge myselfbased upon whether or not I'm fulfilling what God wants me to do.'CAUSE it says they'll give me everything I need F. I stay close O toand perform my work and since I'll walk away from here. thinking o I do what Itold them. What you told me to tell them Oday. The good thing about my part is nomatter how you take it r, what you do with it I'll feel like I did the rightthing by him and I'll have another day of feelingthat I'm doing what I'm supposed to do in Alhoo, that is, that is tarry amessage of death, an late in a matter, amessage that can give people recover. You know instead of having like aformor of religion without power and a eeting fere, everybody feels good andeverybody gets entertained and they laugh the Josts, but it has no power tochange anyboy's lives because theywere all sleep walkingthrough Cuckinga, onn, automatic pilot thinking, they're doing okay and allthey're doing is just some sort of mental mas spiritual masterbation, notgetting anywhere underton. What I'm saying at I makingany sense. Ebout anybody wake up out there, nine fifty six, I'm done it's over it'sover. That's it fom it a a that's my story. I'm sticking to it.

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