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Episode · 1 year ago
Russell S. at Verde Valley Roundup October 31 2020
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Hi, my name is Russell. I'm analcoholic, remember of alcoholics anonymous. I am an alcoholic. I belongto the South Tixi Group from Miami Florida. I haven't, found necessrary tohave drink, nor have I had a drink since January, twenty f Ne ThousandNine huded and Ningty one, and it's a thank you Howr, you all going. You know it's a blessing. It's such ablessing for me to be here a little I'm. Seventy one years old I've been married.My lovely wife is here: Where is she? Where is she dickie, she's lovely she's, wonder ul there sheis she's a member of Alanon, our ladies, aperpetual revenge. You can do a great alm on ten step whenI'm wrong. She promptly admits it, she's really she's. Actually, on Idon't know, I don't know how you frame it. I'm her qualifier every once in awhile, go to her conventions and she's with the other gals in the corner,they're like pointing at me and laughing, and it wasn't for me. I made her the womanshe is today. You know he's whatever that is, and I'm Gongto tell you a little bit. Itreally is a blessing beto be here. You know one of the one of the reasons youknow wha. First of all, I want to tell you something I'm here because I wantto be here, may not seem like much to, but I used to be at places and wish. I wasout of the places I used to be at a bar n wish. I was another bar I used to beat home, and I wish I was at a party I spen my whole life wishing. I wassomeplace else and the only place whereer I'm at today. I want to bethere, I'm never anywhere. I don't want to be even when I'm with I, even if I'mat a place that I have to be. You know that I don't not like. I just thought Iwant to be here and I'm pretty much. I don't know what you call thatsomething about rocket in the fourth dimension: Rexistence, I'm Goino talkabout outgrowing, fear and emotional, sopriety and stuff like that. So Idon't know what you guys had I o know. You know I mean you. Probably I'vespoken a lot of places and I've never found any alcoholics that are different,have a different type of alcoholism. As I have I deal with alcoholics that even ifthey get sover there, sometimes anxious thoy worry about things like money, whether they're married or not, married,whether they have romance in their live for their lonely. They worry aboutalcoholcs worrid about a lot of stuff. Did you ever know that on't know? Maybein Arizona it's not like that? Yo're like a little neurotic andthey're scared and they're insecure, and you know they're up theyre downthey're all over the place and every once in a while. You they'recrazy, alcoholso CIZZI. You know that I don'twant to hurt first F Oll. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Let me justtell you something: This is my story. It ain't your a story, I'm Gonto sayall so it's of Shit, exchuse, my language, I'm Gon, say allso its ofstuff. They probably heard er before I I'm going to say all sorts of stuff that you're going to bother you. Soit's SOT ill bother. Somebody because you're alcoholic somebody ill bebothered. It ain't exactly well people's anonymous here you know so so.But let me let me just suggest something to you. I mean you got youead the same book. I do whenever you disturbn ematter what thecause Eres, sothing wrong with you. So the bottom line is, if I say somethingthat really hurts your feeling: s Heu's Saig, who invited that Gund. You needto talk to you, spons. You need to do a FORC step. You need to try to figure itout because as soon as you figure out, why I piss you off. Why you don't likeme, you know, what's going to happen, number one you're going to find outthat the reason I take you off as the same reason you get ticked off outthere by other people and once you figure out why taked you off and youdeal with that you're never going to be ticked off by people like me again, oranybody out there and you're going to be a pece and you're going to grow upand you're going to get rid of that. One resent that! That's keeping youfrom being rockin in the fourth mention of existence and you're, going to growup and you're going to get to the point that maybe things won't bother you, andwhen you get to the point where you thinks Win't bother, you then maybeyou'll be a piece with yourself and then you'll have something more thanjust playing mere sobriety: physical sobriety, which is really just thesympton the disease, it's a hell of a symptom, but the truth is that'seasiest thing to get rid of. Would you really start getting rid ofhis loneliness? You'll start giving M Ri F getting rid of selfishness? Maybeyou won't be selfish anymore and thinking about yourself all the time. So I'm here I'll tell you a little something aboutan interesing. I don't know, there's some this strange stuff going on. Youknow out there in the spiritual world I was on a zoom. I do a three hourworkshop. I Love Zoom. I have to tell you that with you hated to love it, Ilove it. I do about four or five Menes a day when I used to only do one or twoor three yeah I used to want o two or three MES Nin ill. Do Four, five! Okay,so on am I'm seventy one. My life is over anyway, so it doesn't matter. Youknow. I got four kids that I raised beautiful kids and seven grandkids andwhat's the point anyway, so I got nothing better to do than to talk toalcoholics. I love alcoholics, Eres, sometn. I used to hang out with themall the time when I was drinking, I'm still lying out with the same crowd.What can I tell you? It's the same deal so and anyeven. So I I was I an I'mthis meeting this morning and this this guy 's, like fifty people at the meetit's a workshop. I do every Saduday...
...this they go from. You know I liveabout the zoo, they come from all over the world and I'm no longer constrainedby the geergraphicts of the deal where I'm at this meeing, because I got to bethere because it's five blocks away from my house or two Mon, whatever itis therare people like from Ireland there and people from Australia there-and you know- and I know all these people because I've deal with them forseven months and they know me and we're friends and we're buddies. It's it'slike a group, I don't know it's like a fellowship and and there's a guy thereand he looks just like Shean connery and I'm I'm looking at the guy said manthat looks like she on connery, and I mean it wasn't: Seon Connery, he lookedlike she UN connry. I said to myself, and this is a thought that goes throughmy mind. I mean I'm not making this stuff up. The thought goes to my mindbecause I'm seventy one years old and one of the things that happens- I don'tknow Wheth, there's any oldsters here guys who are in their s O s, but youget to a point. It's actually a really good thing. Where you become conscious of your ownmortality, I mean you know you and not only Taut yourself it. This is. Thisgets really weird. This is going to get really ESETERICAN. You get not onlyconscious of death, but you actually you. This is going to sound strange. I'mgoing to talk a little bit about this you're, not scared of it anymore. It doesn't bother you I'm not talking about you, I'm talkingabout me and but you think about it, and itactually is a good thing because then you don't have to if, if you're dealing,what happens is when I used to walk places? I was always conscious of where I wasgoing. You know I was Wono, whereas going and and now because of my legsand bcouse some disabilities and stuff, like that, I have to walk real slow andin I trip sometimes I use a kang, and so what happens is now. You may thinkthat's a bad thing, but here's what happened with happens is so I'm verycareful as to where I walk and I walk very slowly. So I'm very I'm veryfocused on where each step is you unestand. I don't focus much on whereI'm going. I focus on exactly where I'm at which, for me is like a good thing.It's like a spiritual thing. I can't explain it. I don't know what it is, because I don't have to worry aboutwhere I'm going a what I'm going to do or stand the future any of that stuff.So that kind of thing. So at a event, so this is my experience. You know myfirst sponse Ar told me: I've had four sponsors, you know they're alltemporaary, they die on you just like I mean they do. I mean I've Ha. I've hadthem die on me, beautiful, wonderful man who I've loved at a meant andmentors an unbelievable thing, and I'm hop I'll never be able to have enoughtime to speak about all of them. I have so many stories I coun talk about asfar as all of them and and of course I have a sponsor now,because I've I've always theres, always a man there for me to take over. All I got to do is askhim, there's always that little fear you knowis, he going to say sponsoryeah, but my first sponse on told me Russellwell that when a man would experienced me to mar with money, the man withexperience or walk away with the money and the man with the money will havewalked. He Way with an experience. So I know a lot of people say time doesn'tmean anything. But let me you know, people say you know guys would likefive years like Tou, say time doesn't mean anything or three time doesn'tmean anything and and and but I'm going to tell you something.Time means something. Tim Means something because the way wegot a new perspective is by repeated humiliations and the final crushing ofour self sufficiency. It's not because we're SMART, I'm recoverig out Wike,I'm a recovering smart person. I mean I'll talk a little bit about that, butI'm I'm when I start getting real stupid. All of a sudden, I startgetting real happy. You know I mean one of the problems with alcohocics is theycan stop drinking, but they can't stop thinking. I got that thinking problem.You know you wake up at three o'clock in the morning, you' thinkin about themoney and you've been thinking about the money for a week. You'd be thinkingabout. What's going to happen to you and what's Gonnahapen, you lose yourhouse and what's Goingta happen when you lose your car and you're, not evenworried about loosing your car in your house, you worried about what peoplethink about you. If you lose your house but they'll,think about you. If you lose your car and then you tell yourself stupidthings like ion, give a shit with the people. Think about me. You tellyourself that all the time not poks say stuff like that, they lie ot themselvesbecause they delusional they tell their friends they'll tell their friends abou.I don't get a crop er, they think about it. You know what I mean, butultimately, if you grow up and become a man, you realize that that people that say they don't give a crap what otherpeople think about them wall they do is think about what other people thinkabout, because people that really don't Cra. What do ther people think about,and they say things like pass this SAF, but they don't say that crap, you know,and and so what happens is wlot be this way.Alcoholics are somewhat confused. I think the first ten or fifteen years inAlcholcanomis I spent learning what the disease was actually about. You know we walkin an. We think Ithought you know. I thought this is the truth. I came tdocaxanomnus because Icouldn't stop drinking. How do people came here? CAS thiy Wen, Stop DrinkingDan look at at you know. I swear to God. I look the guy in the eye tsaid. I needhelp. I can't stop drinking, I couldn't...
...stop drink, that's why I thought thedisease was yeah. I mean I fid, you know it's what's so the organizationsgo alcohol, its anonymous. I mean. Can you blame me they're saying don't drinkeven I fas falls off. You know, there's a there's a lot drinkin the head, Owlite ships or drinking drinking drink and drinking. No matter what happen youknow there ain't no problem so bad that a drink can make it worse. You know andt's just drinki, just don't drink you'll be okay and I thought it wasdrinking and come to learn that drink is not eventhe problem. It's just the symptom. It's just one of the holacious symptomsthat the real prom sens es in my mind, not my body and my spot said the firststep getting out of jails. You gotto know you're in JENL I the first place after fifteen sixteen years of drink,and I realized it was in the G. I was in the drinking jail and I got out ofthe drinking jail because I came in Tipe. I became entirely ready to haveGod me move all that removed the drink from me, and so I became ready to dowhatever I had to do to stop drinking, and I guess that's very importantbecause nobody's going to do the stuff that weare supposed to do unless they hit bottom and they get to the point wherethey're willing to do anything because they think their life depends upon, andI got to that point that jumping off place and I did that deal but but then what happens is as you slowlygo along. You realize that there's something wrong with you, because you're still waking up at threeo'clock an morning wearing about the money and you'r still waking up andworring about this and seems things seem to affect you. I told my sponsormy first sponsor I was terribly I was sponsor. I was my sponsors I'Ma just totell you that some a lot of they passed away and I love them. I respect them,but they're very abusive with me. They were they were. I just want to pointthat out. I Love Them. I give them a lot of credance with a they didn't.Treak me nicely and you know what happened. Is itaffected me because abuse children become abuses themselves? Youunderstand what I'm saying as a matter of fact that my age at almost fortyyear sobriety, the only fun I have anymore, is abusing my sponcies. That's I like the grand sponces I likethe sponsies that much you know the way I approach Ponsorship is one of us isgoing to drink and it ain't going to be me. You know what I mean. So you comeup to me and SA I'm. I think I'm going to drink, I said, go to it have a greattime. I got things I got to do you know, and you know and theyyou know alcohol.So Weird, then they refuse to drink because they won't give me NA pleasure.You know I mankind of sponsor you, you know and it wake me up. A three o'clock.Moe says I'm going to kill myself. I said why you Wakeg me up. I could haveread about this in the paper. You know what I need Tis scrap for so you know I mean I'L Co. We seethrough a glass darkly, you know, I mean we come intouax anomous and foryou know, all we do is get repeatedly: croshed wefuely, crossh, Ren, cretedly,croshed and crushd ing crush ninety percent times for the same thing, it'sfor the same exact thing over and over and over again and finally, afterFifteenthosad inventories and talking about a groups and everything like thatand people are tell us what to do. We don't understand that, and you know allthat sort of stuff. I tol one guy. I hate my boss Y Bost this for I spent ayear talking about my boss and what in idiot my boss wasn't how bad my bostswasn't. Some guy came up to me and he said to me this is what he said to mesays you know I got the solution. You promb you cuth solution SAS absolutely.He said she says I have the same problem. He said well what you do hesays. I got another job and I said this is a God. Just doesn'tunderstand: ECAUSE, I'm not who's. Goinna hire me,you know, nobody's Goinna hire me then I'm hout to go out on what, if he findsout and everything like that and Blah Blah Blah, because I wasn't ready to. Ididn't- want to get another job because it was scary. What would happen andnobody would hire me and I needed the money and everything like that and hedidn't understand, and what I didn't understand is that I suffered fromsomething called fear. Three years later, the fear went away- and I say n't staying here anymore, I'mgonna go, get I'm gonna go out and hang my own shingle, I'm Alawer, I'm gonna,be I'm just going to make my own money, because I was ready to do it because myboss wasn't going to change. I had a change and I changed. It took me threeyears to do it because that's the kind of thing that's what works in outols Osthings take time. That's why I repeat the UMILIATIONS or period. That's whytime is important, because every time I have a repeated humiliation and everytime I get crushed it's A. I should I should have freae this out because I'mpretty bright toie when I first came in that this was all about being crushedand surrender. I mean Dr Bob's good old time. Is You know you can go to mealas?She got an unit and Hees and gave you life to God. They called that thesurrender they go upstairs and you d give you yougive your life to God in front o a bunch of people, a they'd say we had areal surrender. It's all about sirrendering, Sirrendering the romance surrendering the sex surrendering the money surrenderingthe MV surrendering the pride surrendering the Rightom Sir Randering,the right to be right, sir. It's tall about it's right,surrendering w worrying about what other people think about you...
...surren. It's all about surrendering acrazy crazy mind. That's so warped that nothing can help but accept God,sorendering the fact that you don't want to believe in God. So Rendy meansthe fact that you don't like people that talk about God surrender the factthat you have a book that all it does is say seeto what your relationshipwith him is riding great revents who comes to past fo you and countlessothers surrendering the fact that you have both that says the the selfishness,selfsented Tis Drim by a hundred forms of fier self dolusion Hel seeking westep ont those rothers, theyr retaliate, that's the real disease, seeminglywithout provlocation, we learn weve made decisions based upon ourselfishness. That puts is a position, be hoped, wit, Selfforr and right, butwe don't even think so above everything we must get rid of the selfishness.That's the problem, that's the insadity and we don't even know what it is,because we think we're pretty nice people. It says there is a it says, andthen it says this. It says we must give to this selfishness. God can do that for us, not the third step, not the fifth step,not the eighteen step, not the best. Four steps says: God will do that forus seems there's no other way of doing itand then later on the next page, what as it says it says once you make asincere decisions, of course in the in the in Ntheand the chapter, the solution, itsays even Di. It says it even differently.It says you can be rocking in the fourth dimention of existence. You canexperience much of heaven, but the great fact is this: Nothing less thet,God has become to the sentral fact of your life. You've got to be convinced,convinced that he lives in your hearts and minds the way which is miraculous,he's doing for you. What you can't do for yourself, and I did the third stepwhen I was about three or four months obe. I got I mi de. I did the thirdstuff because I didn't want to drink and I knew I had to do it in my sponseOs toltallyt doind. I did it, but I wasn't convinced- and I know it wasn'tconvinced if I was convinced I'd, never be worried again and I worried for fifteen twenty yearsans. Why? I stopped wearing it because I became convinced I stopped turningthings. I used to turn things over turn it over it woild take a week to turn itover turn it over. I'm turnit over to my wife and turn over my mother, I'm toturn over DA this I'm Turni over the job, I'm turning over this and turnitover that, and it might take me three days or four days or maybe go down toan hour, an maybe five minutes and everything. And then one day I woke up-and I realized I woke up by that time. I was going to churchbecause the big book encouraged it and I was- I was going to a lot of AAmeetings and I was reading a lot of books. Besides the big book, the Bibleis Gonto OB. I was doing a lot of stuff. You don't have to do it don't get inhervous. You know, I'm just telling you my story, I'm not here. My God doesn'tallow me to impose my religion on anybody or my believesoanybody, butI'll tell you what the big book tells me to do and says my storys t expose ageneral way. What the big book encourages me to do, what I'm cutis Ihave to expose myself. I have to expose myself to other people. You knowbecause this is there may be actually people in the audience. Thatareactually lookind see. How can I find God and who is God and somebody maywant what I have and they say Eeryhi guy the I like what he was talkingabout, whon the Wat he was talking about now. Maybe somebody out there. This SImight be interested people that aren't interested in I'm not going to worryabout it anyway. There's probably somebody out there that hates me, youknow that's okay, their alcoholics, you gotta be like Oll that stuff too, yougot to surrender that stuff. You know they're the same guy, seven years downthe road. You say you know I used to hate you now I love you, you know andbecause they got to be go repeated humiliations. They got to get crushed,you know and that's the deal, because all I'm doing is planning seeds it nowanyway. So I'm sitting here in my and that's what does it say? It says wenicus it se a decision for God says all so its of remarkable things, happenebeing all powerful he'll give us everything we need if we stay close tohim and perform his work well, and its work is very clear. His work is theAmaxif Service of the people. That's what his work is. You have a newemployer. I have guys that they will. They will skip their children's they'llskip their children's graduation because tyour employers says you haveto work. I Ave guys that will turn will do.Backflips will hurt. Other people will stip out and Al Sos important things,because that boss says they got to do something because he's paying them.They don't want to lose the job, that's their earthly employer bigboksays. Ihave a new employer and I have other people that will makeall sorts of excuses not to do wat their other employees as to do I wonder what what my life would belike what your life would be like if you treated God, is your employee? Thesame way you treat your earthly boss as your employer. I wonder if you'd berocking in the fourth dimension. F existence. I guess there's two doors in a don't.You think thire's, the not drinking doog that everybody lines up after andthey just don't drink and they don't drink. You know they say in the bigbook herein there once in a while, a drinker being dryedat the moment says,feel better look better. Having a better time. He says we smite suchfanso me know he's going to find, try the old game again because he's nothappy with his sobriety so som to Kno lonelyus a fow do. Do you think thereare people, maybe even in here, that Ave twenty five years that are lonely,think there are people that are sober,...
...twenty Fiv, thirty, maybe forty years that are not happy with their sobrity?I know there are because I sponsor them. I sponsor guys ith twenty fivethirtyyeas thirty five years that aren't happy. They seek me out. I talk to him,we do wordshops, you know it's a terrible thing. You know it's terriblething is to is to miss the whole deal to go to thebank with the a banquet with a servant. Lobster- and you know all sors of primerib and everything walk out with a hand sandwich. You know, because you neverwantto jump in the deep ends of the pool. You know what I mean. You neverreally wanted to do this thing you did you know you did the you did theprogram A. I want to do the program Youe going to do everything they say inthe bock. You know I mean what dare they sayingdocr about the good old timers, the books that we found absolutelyessential? What anybody anyay ever heard, the word essential. Do me a favorite sie word essential,essential means essential right. How about absolutely essential? You think!That's like real big. You know real bit. Here's here's, Dr Bob Wa good old time.BRS converence approved material that if you really want more and you want toincrease relations with God, you might want to read, because we have a bookthat says really obviouslen Presfalos thoroughly followed our path. Anybodyever read that thoroughly. Don't y hate words like that thoroughly utterlyutterly give yourself to God thoroughly give yourself to God. You Know YeahOrealy, I don't nowly. What is that half peasures of vallas nothing half esis that true to half presus e Bell is nothing. Isn't that crazy? I prettymuch think in my thinking, which my sponse told me to have a healthydisrespect, for I pretty much think half measures give me like fiftypercent Yeahyeah, I'm not drinking arent. I and isn't that the whole thingTeis. It say: Half Measures Availa. There is no middle of the road solution.I'm a Middl Wad kind of guy. I'm not GOINGNA get crazy on this stuff, and Iread this book. You know about these men and they say ind the in the big book about in the DockbonGood ALD times. He says the books that we found rarely I've seen person vailesthoroughly followed our step, our path and that book was written in Abot, onethousand nine hundred and thirty nine and Ay was art, n thousand nine hundredand thirty five right. Let me see, let me do the math, I onethousand nine hundred and thirty nine. So so for four years, the guys thatwrote the book wrote a book and says Really Iva seen a pers ovelloisthoroughly followed our path and the one thing we know they didn't do. isthey didn't read the Big Book? Did they? No? They didn't. But if you mee docorBoutin the oodold timers, they say the books. We found absolutely essential.Our first coint vancs thirteen sermon on the Mount of the book of James, whowere almost called the James Bup. When I started reading those books andStudyon the big book became went from Black and white to technicolor. That'snot a maybe Youre thgame, because that's not you because you're going todo your program, you do your program and I'll do my program. You know what Imean and don't touch. I tell me what I'm justtelling you hey. Listen. You can Toud your own opinion. ontolt you own fact.I'm just telling you what it said in in you know those guys wrote. rarlyhaven't seen perchvills thoroughly falled O path, I'm just telling youwhat they said. You know maybe one day when you gottwenty five years and you're not happy with your life, and you know thingsaren't working out the way you wanted to work out or something like that.Maybe e'll start thinking. I remember that Guyi Russell from Miam IUS talkingabout all this CRAPP and I wasn't going to do it. It was all bullshit. Maybe if I had done bego that maybe Igo to surrender Maocase, I'm tired of being crushed. Maybe I need to do more. I don't knowI'm getting off the subject. I'm sorry! You know I got apologize. I have a youknow when you should have head me. Fifteen years ago I used to say I usedto talk about what was like what happened, what it's like now and I'vebeen doing thust so many step series and teaches everything I get off onthis stupid stuff, and I apologize to you so on any event, here's the deal. Letme do this like real fast. The drinking thing you n have to trust me. I'm I'm AI'm adrink, I' e drunk I, but let me tell you you see this disease is aboutinsanity. This is we have a step called the second step. Don't we I mean inArizon: Do they have a second step? No there's a second step correct with I'mwrong, solet's, say y. What does it say? Yu came to believe thank you that, because I got Alzheimer's now, I'mSiing, I'm true. My wife had me tested frog, seen it's anal sinility, because she's upset. She thinks there'ssomething wrong with me, because there's a lot of things that happenthat she gets upset about and I don't seem to get upset, and so I think thisis something wrong with me, because now personally now I havene't tested, but Ido think in all honestly. I should tell you that I was testedg forcinility justin case she decide. You goin t rely on something I said so in Ven, so I wastested, but they cleared me. But what happens is when you get sober and Ithink when you get emotionally sober, you know,Billbolston said that's the next frontier and he says real disease isunhealthy. dependcies in the bitle them called idolatry. That would meanworship the things of this world following the things in this worldworring about the things of this world.
You know what I mean so so what I thinkwhat happens is when you get emotionally sober and the things this world in thecircuman you deselve develop something called equademity which, if you look atup, means thats my third sponsorus, to talk about eqoiny all the time he saidhe said you get to a point in your life, where the your inner peace and who youare and what you are never depends upon your outwardcircumstances, and so what it essentially talks about.Is it talks about a man who, even during Tough Times Renat, remainscalm on the inside, which, if you know anything about alcoholics, if wo eversponsor people is the exact opposite of the way we are. You know I mean, butthat's some sort of spiritual thing that happens when you start believingto God and leaing. The holy spirits come into your life and you joined thefellowship F, the spirit because Tockto the way Dr Young explains it says ideasof motions atitudes that are the guiding course of these men's lives orpush the oneside an become dominate, tha, honely, set of ideas and motionsand attitudes. So you know you long no longer have to turn things over to God.You just live a turned over life. You see, you learn to turnover life andyou don't work the steps anymore, because you just live the steps,because what used to be really weird and strange and use the FORTU SIS? Oh,I think I did the ten step Woll. I think I did force them wel. I did athird step yesterday. Oh, that was a six step. I did seven step. Whathappens? Is You stop? It stops becoming obvious that you're doing the steps,because you just live in your life. You just live that way. ECAUSE, that's the way you are so I'm at home and as so about eight months ago, theyasked me to do this thing and I said sure I said it because my Spos, when itfirst came in he said you never turned down anybodywhen they ask you to do anything Anday. So I've done every job, everythingwhatever it is. I've done all that stuff, because the big book says I got to be amaximum service and I got to be like the Good Samaridan which and I've readall about the Beood Smarr and I even read it. I even read it like they. Iknow why they put it in there, because I even read the book Alook and I readthe actual good smaddan. I understand what that'Sall about in and- and Ithink what happens is when God comes into your life, then you focus on Godand he becomes the central fact of your life. You don't have to be the goodSamaran. You just turn into the good Samarit and you what happens. Is itgets kind of crazy? Because what happens is you actually start helpingpeople? All the time anyway, because you get as much pleasure, you got morepleasure out of helping people than chasing after women in bars, and I put in a lot of effort as alounge list that SHASEAN AF te women. Let me tell you something I wasmotivated, I wandered what they had and I was wanting to go to anylate to getit and, and the bottom line is when you get to the point. I your life, whereyou would rather go you're, not only going to mean s because you need means,because we all need means you're going to means because ther may be somebodythere, you can help and so you're listening intently to anything anybodysays because that's your life and you've preed into that. You know howpathetic you know- and I don't know I don't know. I don't knowI make any sese, so it anywen. So I said so what happened was seven monthsago I said Yeah I'll. Do this thing I'll come out,jern I'll. Do this thing and what happened in the covid thing hit, and and so every two months or so I'd Speak Tho.Yan and he'd say well you're still going to do. I said Yeah, I'm going NA,do it and, as I said in seventy one years old, to have a lung problem, youknow I got four, you know kids, seven grandkids. They all worry about me, mywife and and and what happened is so about a monthago and you know an and I'm saying: Well,it's Arizona it's in the desert. Nobody gets I the desert, you know, can youknow that kind of dealing and and then they came on the news that it wasspiking out here, a smiking, so a thought came on to me. Ethought came on to me that maybe about thirty ays ago- and I think my wife-you know they own on- might have mentiond something to me. It's possible,I'm not blaming her. Somebody might have. I had a you know. You have a lotof people coming up to you, N, say you're really going out there. YouReally Teav me to with the covid thing and everything and and so a thought Tamee went to me n.He says. Well, maybe I maybe that's stupid. Maybe I shouldn't go out thereand you know here's the crazy thing I meanI'm just telling you the truth. You know ethey say to com good AA talk. Allyou have to do is be sincere and once you learn how to fake that you got itmade, but the what I find what I find is that what really is really do a gooda talk is just tell people the truth. You tell people truth TNO matter howcrazy it is. Five people come up. You say, Heyyou're, talking about me, you know, I mean it's just you know we're all liketwins, you know black white, you know rich Bor, youknow big fat, I don't care wereall twin, so so the tought comes to me. You knowmaybe I'm in CRI. Maybe I shoul, you know Blah Blah Blah. You know I'mthinking about my sponsor. You always say y a you know,...
...and but you know some I was neverconfused as to what I was going to do and the reason I was never confused,and this is the truth in this reason I'm here is because, even though I knowthat thought came up from my mind, because I have an alcoholic mind andthoughts like that, come up here's what happened. I knew I knew the Lord wantedme to be here. I knew the God wanted me to be here,because the big book says he says never hesitate to go the most sordid fitplaces, not that this is sord, because I know the big book says because I knowthe big book says beyond the fiery line of life, but wherever you got to go andI would wherever I have to go to the detaces everything like that in the Godwill protect you while You'e doing it, and I knew that so I was never confusedby my alcoholic thoughts, even though I have that insanity to a certain extent,and it's been mitigated- and I know I'm insane because the second step you guysdo the second step right. It says it says it says- came to believe thathigher power would werestore you to sanity. So listen, letme I know they don't see. You know what I like that the big book. Really it'sso gentle! You know even when they sit here. Here's the thing, the big Bok yougot understand. This is terrible. What I do I take these right turns, and Iforget I was going to say, like the big book says: Selfishness Selfsentedness,driven by a hundred forms of fearouselfdelosion. You know andeverything you know we step intothose brothers, Thay, retalitis, semin, hapente, but all that stuff that I just said right. So it almost sounds poetic. Youknow almost founds like hey, that's. That sounds great. You know what I meanand my sponsor said when I said what does that mean? He says that means youdon't give a shit about anybody except yourself. He says that doesn't soundgood. That's why I told my sponsor, I said I'm sensitive, he says, no, norussell great artist is sense. If you're just touchy, you know it's a bigdifference. You know, and- and I was talking about something else- I can'tremember what I was talking about now. You said I should I should keep mytrain of thought and, and that kind of thing, and so that's the I us usually have a book mark an hi saythis is what you were talking about before you skipped over to that otherthing. You know, and- and so that's that deal so I'm here- here's the dealso so yeah the incensot thy. It says, it'll restore you to Saturday. Sohere's the deal because I'm a lawyer, I'm Awordslis. So let me I'm you know Iwas learned to have a healthy disrestrect for my own thinking, but Istill can figure this. If the second step will restore you to sanity, youhave to be insane, you got, you got to be INSETE,so it doesn't say you're insane and God will restore your Saddi. Itsays came to believe so. So it's not like you think that there's somethingwrong with you or anything. You know what I mean, even though it's likeYouan go on, think ing that you're, okay, you know what I mean and you knowseven years so ber you want to put a muzzle of a gun and blow your brainsout. You SAYL, that's Roi! You know they call me you're insane. You knowit's! Okay, you know that's! Okay, it's all going to work yeah in twenty or twenty five years. That'swhy I tell my sponse, Oh ye, that thing the feel thing. Oh Yeah, don't worryou'll be okay in twenty years, just hang in ther Ye. Okay, you knoweverybody goes through that you gotto be crussed, you gotta be crushed not becrushed, got to be crushed by crash cross croshed crushed croshed, crashedcrushed crushed. You got to go through that step first step over and overagain, unless Han a tolin alcoholic accep is alcoholism. An all thisconsequences surprise to be precaries of true happiness of find. Not at all.You got to accept how crazy you are, and you don't even know how crazy youare. You walk a Tay Thinking, Youro Kaycaus, you have'tg a drink in sixmonths or six years and o you walkd with like a little flash like just it.Just you just just to see how big the cage is. You know what I mean and youknow you got the sex tage. You got the money cage. You got the. Why don't theylove me, Cage Theoh? Why won't they accept me cage you guys say Whar. Dothey get think about me? Cage? You got you got stuff late. I Goup I goup to myone of my mentors Ral Keith. You know, I say nine years sober, y'Ai'm, a HighR owner, I'm broke, I'm broke. Why am I broke? You know my first ines en mysponsor said. Well, when you spend more money than you make you go intosomething called that I said I dodn't understand that stuff. You know what Imean is I got the solution for you earn more or spend less. I said whatdoes that mean? You know what I mean I I'm hearning as much as I can. I can'tspend any last. He said, simplify your live. I know what that means. Siplifyyour life o get rid of the Mercedes everythin Mo say. I know what thatmeans. Simplify your life. Is I yo, simplify your life, AI't ain't gon tohappen. I got rid of the car, you know I mean what Wul people think not that 'give a shit. You know what I mean. I I think what d they think about me.You know what I mean by the way. You know what that is. That's how follismthat's the real alcol, that's the rear, alcoholism, boy drinking, that'sfullshit! You know what I mean. That's, let me tell you something: everybodystops drinking or they die whel. They died drunk. You know, everybody comes in, stop theycut stop drinking for a week for a month. You Know Three Months: Whateverit is ten years, fifteen years were they die or whatever it is, but youknow some that' stopp. You know something if they drink again. You knowwhy they drink again because they haven't Ol to stop thinking. That's the real disease. If they drinkagain. The drinkin over the car they're...
...drinking over the house, they'redrinking over the wife, they'r dringing over the jealousy they're drinking overthe lone list and drinking over the they're, not traking over the drink.Listen the craving happens. When you take your first drink, you understand,then the crazy get set up. You know what I mean: You don't take your firstdrink and you drink it's tot, because the craving it's because you're insaneagain, because you have been working on the real deal because you haven'taccepted the real program and because you aren't kneeling and giving yourlife to God and making him the focus of your life and instead you're sitting inmeetings and you're. Not even talking about it, because you're scared thatother people will get mad at you. You understand and when you have afellowship with the intire big brock and everything about is divodingyourself to God in every paragraph, and you got a crazy fellowship where mostpeople don't want to do that. I SA maybe a couple of OL timers. They Monteven be around so that you sit there and you want to talk about what guys dofor your life or ask questions. But you shut up because you're scared, becauseyou're worried about but people in this fellowship reading those books willthink about you. That's one crazy, Seno, a ritch thing.I got to tell you. So let me tell you here's the deal. You know why I can talk like this,because I'm not scared to you all and you know Somm, I'm not evo, worriedabout your opinion of it. I have one individual one. I worry about what God thinks about me: Bill Wilson and alcohosanomos numberthree build dots and youknow the man on the bed. You ever see that thing thesiname like they got bill and Bob and there's the guy in the be with thefunny tshirt and they're reading from the Bible.That's wher, they're reading from Becaus, that's what they havpe for thefirst four years and it's called came tobelieve bytheway yeah. So what happens is so so the bottom, so what happens is?Is You lose the fear and what you're concerned about more than what people think about? You is Cconcerned about what the God of your understanding things about you want tobill. Wilson said when Bill Dotson said I want. I knew there was something more.You know you look up in the book, I'm TNOT line to esause. I knew there wassomething more something. Thit hadn't got some sort of release, some sort ofrelease that I thought a person ought to have, and I was trying to find theanswer bill was in my house. It was in the afternoon weereading a sandwich andnews talk to my wife, Henrietta and I heard bill say this Hawav you Gad theLord's, been so wonderful to me. Suring me of this treble diseso. I got to keeptalking hot and telling other people I gotto keep talking don so wat. I can'thelp myself from talking about and telling other people, and he says I heard that I called thatthe golden test he said bill was very, very grat for his sobriety. He gave allcredit to God and all you do was think about guy. You know that's the deal and you know what kind of person wouldI be when I was a guy who was lifted from the buck of alcoholism when evilson F A gun, to only give shit about myself and put in put in a placerockitg up other people rocking into the fourth dimission of existence. If Iwas embarrassed to talk about God now, I can understand why somebody wo oneyears. If I ha, don't you try this at home, I'm a professional, you know whatI mean. I can understand, I'm not saying hey. I heard Russll, I'm beetgoing my group, an I'm telling Marri Hey, got to do this. I thin no! No! But if I don't talk about what God hasdone for me as a matter of fact, there's another quote in Dr Bobngooaltimers were bill. andself because believe it or not bill was an alcoholicas much as I love Hem guess what he's? Not My higher power? BILS, not BOB's,not alcoholics! Anonymous is not. You know the trust. These are not my higherpower. You know I mean that's all man stuff, you know and I'm one of these guys. I need thehighest power because my problems ir just that big. You know- and let me tell you something: I need thepower that'll overcome death, foar death, that's the kind of power. I needthat's the deal, I'm I'm looking for. You know and he's come through to mebecause God will always appear if you want him enough, you know that's thedeal so one day, io NN, probably past the hour ready. Soone day, I'm going out with some Gal, I'm in love,alki love, Yo, Beti, off Yo love, oh my God, she's gorgeous, I'm gorgeous,I'm young, I'm like eighteen years old and oh ere's, a lot of sex. You know what Imean and, and one day this is the woman. I love.This is a woman. I love one day. She says to me: We've been going out ofthenverse of Miami for like a year every day, I'm either with her. I'mthinking about her worri about her that she really love me Jelsey and all thatstuff and- and she says to me she says you know, my parents haven'tseen you in a year and they want me to spend Christmas with them. Just fly up.There spend the week Christmas with them, and I look at her and I say thisto the one I love I said. Well what about me. I said what about me: You guys probablyY A you, don't know what it's like. I...
...said what about me. I you'RE gonna BAbthein Christmas and we have this big blowad argument because I'm going to behere alone and to be a bear, I know she's got a boyfriend up there. I knowshe's going to be going to bed with him. I know what's going on, I'm not stupid,you know what I mean and she says. Well, I got ta go, and so she goes up to NewYork, the woman. I love- and you know I'm sitting around drinking andworrying about her and I have an idea. There's a credit card. I haven't maxedog, you know what I mean because I'm a guy I spend money. I don't have my shit.I don't need to impress people, I don't like you know what I mean. I just dothat stuff all the time, and so, if you haven't, walked in here with ahuge credit card, ballantin cards tanking away from, I is just becauseyou never qualified for one but in even the bottom line is so I'm not saying.There's different people in here some people are Scroogeus, but even so inevent, so I fat. So I have an idea, a brainstorm and Aubo ga says I willsurprise her. I will fly up there and on Christmas Day you know what I mean I come to the door. I knock on the doorhi. It's me to ruin your Christmas. You know what I mean says. Well, I calledit love the cops called it stalking. But what do they know? You know what Imean. What do they know now? Don? Listen! You know what that is by theway. Let me tell ou what that is: that's alcoholism, that's selfishness! That's what selfishness looks like so Imarry some Gal. I see some guy, I'm man if only Yor, if you're an atcohol hereand if only o're in a EF. Oh, if only had that Gu ive only had that car IVonly had that money. If only have that jop only if only if onely I run after Ichase up that only I kill you. I worry about whyt. I don't have that and I'lldo anything to get that thing, and then I get it and I'm okay for like a weekand then Al Funey had this. If I have a newer car, something like that, and soI chase aff this girl, I do whatever I can togethas girl. I get this Goll. Iget I to marry me. We have a kid. You know what I mea N N. I moved to myMbbach, I'm beautiful house, I'm on golf course. I become a division chiefin the state's Attorney's office. I'm trying murder cases everything's, okayand you know, like a I don't know year later, I'm in a bar.Looking at women till four o'clock and morning my wife'sat home with a baby because you know wasn't working anymore. You know, you know what I mean you know.Sometimes you get tired. You know you were different people. Maybe we gotmarried too young. You know I mean you know, maybe that's what I told myself.I never cheated physically on my wife, never cheated on my physical physicallyon my wife. Never did that. You know I just sat in the Bortle four o'clock inthe morning and started thinking about cheating on her and saying why can't Iye wow, if I only had that home man, if I only had that red hit only had thatbline, I I get it four o'clock in the morning then and then one day, because because shehad you every by a new car and you love it and you feel greatbecause you know what the problem is: I'm an ALCOHOLC, it's no job, no mountof money. No woman, no suter clothes ever made me feel so good, just as fast and so fast as acouple drinks of booze, and if I called it for me what it didfor me when I was eighteen years old I' still be drinking, but it stopped stopworking for me. So I don't drink in the sad news about my lives at stop workingfor me about ten years before I realized this thought Bord for me and Ihert a lot of people. But you know what I learned after I stoppe drinking thatwomen do that. For me, too, that cars zo that for me to that money, does thatfor me too, that Appaus us at for me to that this world and things on the worlddo tha food for me to, and I run after them the same way I ran after thealcohol and I have the same results, and so all I can tell you is if you'veever had a new car, if you've ever had a new car and you love the new car and it makesyou feel like you're, really something cause one of the problems I found outwith Dr Cowa woat. You know whatwe said in the Book Man Against Himself Fr onethousand nine hundred an tirty. Thirty two that Alcoholisam ten women are outdestroy themselves that we actually think we're piece of crap, which is why,when you're in the shower laving you're up you lauhing yourself up or you're inthe car, all of a sudden you'll hear this voice and the voice says you're anass, all Youa to kill yourself you're, never going to be okay, that's what aMusac that alcoholics play themselves all the time and they s like turn onthe TV or the radio where they look around an Hou saidnd. They sort of likepush it away. You know what I mean and they say well te look around. Who saidthat to me is I'm the only one in the car, because that's your opinion aboutyou with you. That's your reputation with you about you that you're, no good,you're, not good enough you're! Never going to go up, be good enough! I'm anothing! I've always going to be a nothing. I've never been anythingbetter. Nothing. I used to put something in my my tummy called Scotch.It may be into an almost when you're nothing almost this top of the world.You'll settle for that, and sometimes women will do that, for you and cardswill do that, for you and moneyill do that for Yot and it's just as horribleas the drinking, because it keeps you away from true happiness, but theproblem is the whole world is doing it, and it's all on TV and everybody'stelling you to do at twent o seven. So you don't even realize it's a problem,so the drinking which is easy because it becomes a problem because the wheelsfall off the other stuff. You just be miserable for your entire life and dieand never even realize that your real problem is your yourself from world Owholism thiing a thing: thingahallism,...
...women, O Halism, menaholismrelationship, O hallism Heyou only want to listen to guys likeNe Becouse Oif, I'm right thence. Oh Man, that's that'd be crappy. You knowI can ter for alcohol. You know well, this is kindergot. What do youcall it? spiritiual kindergarten yeah, but some of US want to go to highschool. You know what I mean: We'd like to grow up, you know and become the meninstead of the boys. That's the sixth step, you know, and so finally I leave that woman. Ileave that wife because we're growing in different directions. She hoesunderstand me and I understand her and Babl Bah N. I leave that child. Oh No,I did all the right thing. I paid my child Ford and everyhing like that. You know why, because she became likethe useh car, no new cars ar not, but she was like a used car. No. Does thatsound horrible? Does that how harb will you want od something I was? I was ahorrible person. I was an evil person. I don't. I don't delude myself thingswhile I'm basically a nice boy just because I wear three piece oods and I'man attorney prosecuting people that I look okay and everything. I know whatmy Halpe. I know what selfishness is all about. I've learned over a periodof years. What selfishness is all about? I need to emprace how selfish and evilI was so I can be so I can have the same reverence for God, so I know whathe did to me and for me, so I can be forever grateful to him because if Ijust think I was just pretty much a fairly nice guy, not selfish, I didn'treally want to hurt Anobe, I'm okay and God help me with the booze, butotherwise I'm great. I am missing the entire deal and one day I'll, think I'll. Think I'mjust so good because I'm not drinking for forty years or something like that.I'll start forgetting about what this disease is all about. In its cunningbaffling and powerful SOI coming talcoholis anonymous, ODecember Twentyfif Unnineteen, eighty one thousand nine hundred and eighty having been kicked out of Christmas, aChristmas party NOCA Winna, I'm alone in my house. It's till like my morning,I'm thirty one years old and my life is over and I know it's never to get itbetter again and I can't stop drinking and some preach comes on the TV saidand like he said, you want to change your life and he gives a littletestimony says, like God, come into your life, and I hit my knees. I saythe sin is prayer and I invite Jesus into my life and which is not a bigdeal. Maybe for this crowd, but for Jewish kid from Long Island New York,it was a big deal. I got I Yoa had to be there. You know my sponsor said Youcan't rob an alcoholc of his desperation. You know every Alchon haslass strength. If you haven't been to that place where you'll do anything,you know, try anything- and I didn't think anything happened after afterthat. But after after thirey days I I had my last drink.Then I came to alcoholsanonis on white ship. Wonder and a lot of stuff hashappened after that, and I don't have time really to talk about it. Right nowprobably gone through the hour right. What am I I have five minutes five minutes agothrough forty years. Give me ten minutes I'll do it. I had these terrible spots, an mysponsor comes ton. My first pot comes to my office, I'm setding my office,I'm three months ober. He looks up at the wall. I've got literally thirtyplaques and diplomas and degrees from. I can't even explain it to you test.Fine I've been educated, far beyon my capacity to understand anything. Youknow so I and my sponsor. I was supposed to be sponsored by AlbertEinstein or Jesus Christ. They weren't available. They stuck me with the outhcar salesmen from Chicago, didn't even graduate elementary school go figure,but unfortunately, by the time I had gotten here, I had only tunoronsworking and they were waiting goodbye to each other. So I didn't know anydifference. You know what I mean so I'm sitting there and- and he comes in he'ssitting in front of my desk and I point to my diplomas- and I say Bob:These are my degrees and he says he looks at me e says. Well, you know,Russ rectel thermometers have the greeason, you know what they do withthose I'm not making this stuff up. You knowI e just I didn't go through some. A jokebok is what he says Toa. You know you know you know I could takeanother hour and tell you the stuff that he did and said to me. One time hetold me, I told him I didn't think I had 't go to mets on Thursday. He saidYeah as long as you neveer drank on Thursday as esaid. I figured it out. Hesaid Russ, you know as much about life as a dog knows about his father and I'msitting there, I'm literally sitting there I'm tryingto figure out what he's telling me, because I thought he may have beencomplimenting me. I wasn't sure you know we're driving, I'm I'm GNNA, I'm goingto end with this this this one thing which usually takes me fifteen minutesoni to compress it into three minutes. Okay, for five minutes,...
...you know I feel terrible. It's likeSophi's choice, I' Manto leave here, there's so many stories, I'm not Goin,to tell you I'm gonnafeel bad about, but I'm Gon Na do the best. I can youknow what I mean, so I I'm Abouti'm about a year sober this Guname Bobby and he's being sponsored by my sponsor. My first sponsor and bobbyis a slipper. Bob is a guy like he gets thiry days together, he's doing goodand then all tenhe drinks thir gays. He drinks as back hen even say. I'm comingupon that time. Again, I'm Athorty Yeah thirty days you knowts my time. Youknow, I don't know what the deal is, but evenI'm watching I'm stock raving sober, I'm watching bobby. You know what Imean and y every time you get drunk he' wind up and bark up in Fort Laudedale.We drive up there, we get hem, but I would would set him up again. Get himgive Hem a job, give him a little cash taking the Amerines. He did it over andnow we did it six times seven times and I drive up with them, get bobby so likethe sixth time we're driving up there, and this is a story about alcoholism.It is a story about recovering thisis. The story about the whole deal. Okay,so we're driving up there and I'm feeling sorry for my sponsor, because Iknow he's got like twenty years, but he's like stupid. For I mean to behonest with I mean he's really not bright. I mean this guy is full, sofull of crap. You understand. So I start I said I said Bob I said I saidthis is crazy. We did this last month we did the month before di the month.Before that I mean I'm a lawyer, I mean I im provin my case. Let Me Tell Yousomehing Im so right, I'm oucing C right. If you don't aree me Ho got todie because she jost stupid, and I said I got three by five cards. I gotphotographs. I got take recorded statements. You know I got everythingthat I got police reforts. I said we did this last month. Le This guy is aforty he's, a looser. He doesn't give her crap by you he's using you usally,I'm gong crazy. I mean I'm like let's let some, let's Com, man get hem n a.We got to turn this car around and and he let me keep on going on likethat. For Twenty minutes, Ou Kni repeated myself and do I. Finally, youknow I finally got tired a d. He said he looked at me and he said Dum are you done and I said Yeah Yeah. I wasn't becausenow I had the lynch mob in my mind, what we got to kill him. You Know D man. If you I used to run around in mycar with a machine gun, killing I've killed murdered. So many people, womenand children you cross me. I kill your wife. I bow, I mean I'm like got murderon my mind. You know there ain't, no probation for me and yeah you're laughing. You don't knowwhat it's like, but hey. Then it's hard to live a peaceful life whenyou want to kill everybody, but it aen. So so so he says to me, he says: Are youdonean and I was I was still thinking he says he says. Are you done? He saysyeah he says No. Are you done? I said yes is no. Are you dine? I said Yeah, I done. I'm don't know.What's this guy going to say, because I was I swear to God, I wasright. He was a phony, he was full of Krap. I was right, what could you say? What could this do?Never even graduated oementary school use, car salesman say this big shotloweyer. He said, Russ listen. I said what hesays. Listen. He said what rat he said, listen yeahes. What's he goingto say to me, he says Ye looks at me, says Russell. It doesn't bother me like it bothersyou. I look at my said. How could not botheryou everything bothers me? You know, you know he used to have what I had. Itwas called alcoholism. You know what that is: That's alcoholism, nine yearslater, nine years later, sponsoring people and tegrew back withchairman two years in row. You know groups secretary, you know, Intergroupchairman every you go through whatever the Serviceis I, whatever the deal isall the steps doing step series teaching the steps. Nine years later, my lovely wife is the lovely wife, thelove of my life. You know, you know how she is. You know I'm onHavgh, to tell you you know, I mean she. We had an argument. She said somethingdisrespectedme whatever it is, it was I'm going to tell ou something. If Ican only remember what it was, you would be so on my side it would beunbelievable. You know- and I because I was so right. You know- and I went upto my sponsor Joe Snyder at the time and I said I'm getting a divorce. I said: that'sit. I didn't sign up for this crap. I didn't sign up for this crap and Iexplained to him in detail everything she did and everything shesaid now. I don't know about you, but I have the God given gift that allalcoholics are given where, when I'm pissed off, I know exactly why I'mpissed off, I can tell the whole room.
I can tell the entire earth, I knowexactly what the problem is. You know what I mean in detailed. As a matter offact, I can't wait to tell you the problem. I'll, tell t you over and overagain- and I explained the whole thing to him and I say, and so I insinof I I'mgetting divorced its over. You know and he looks at me after I tell himeverything he says and I was steaming he says. Do you knowwhy you're upset- and I said so whatare you talking about h Sas. Youknow why I'Sat I said I just spent twenty minutes on you why I was so. Hesaid. That's not why you're upset we tal. I said I just I just told youwhat she did and what he says. That's not why you're UPSAT, I said Bob, I just told you what shesaid and what she did. The exact thing I mean. If there's anything I know, ifthere's anything an alcohol knows is Ri he's upset. You know I mean I have aGod given right in on that. He says: That's not why you're upset. I said: That's not why I'm op Seidy,since that's not why I'resent e shut up. I said that that's not whyIMI yeah? That's not why you're sad OUCAN SAY ANYTHING ANDSO! I look at him.I say Y. You know why I'm upset you saidabsolutely sod. You know why I'm set oh yeahit'easy. I said Yoa absolutely. I said well you're going to tell me why I'mopsed he sanse. I don't know you really want to know. I said well, of course Iwant to know. Why am I said he said he said this. This is how he said he said:Listen Stupid. He said, listen, stupid, you're upset because you're upsetable, I'm saying what s. What is this like,Zen, Aa or something? You know, you remember nine years before that nine years before that my late sponsor, who was going through the same factualthing I was going through and I was yelling and screaming, and I and I told them everything that Iwas upsetting me and Whi was upsetting me Youremember what he said to me. He said you're upset, I'm not. He says it doesn't bother me like itbothers you, it's not the circumstance. He says youdon't have equanimity says everything bothers. You has nothing to do with thecircumstances. Has Everything to do with yourspiritual condition, because you haven't let go and youhaven' Tat God in Your Life, all I know, as I've been married now,forty years close to forty years, you know and she's pretty good. Most ofthe time she gave me a footrub tonight I had abeggar to do it. You know what I mean just thought. I want to throw that inyou know what I mean and that's the deal. So God bless you. Thank you oi verymuch.
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