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Episode · 1 year ago
Russell S. at Verde Valley Roundup October 31 2020
ABOUT THIS EPISODE
Ali. My name is Russell. I'm an alcoholic, member of alcoholics anonymous. I am an alcoholic. I belong to the South Dixie Group for Miami, Florida. I haven't found that start to have a drink, nor have I had a drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. And it's a thank you. How y'all doing? You know, it's a blessing. It's such a blessing for me to be here a little. I'm seventy one years old. I been married by lovely wife. Is here. Where is she? Where is she, Dickie? She's lovely, she's one o. There she is. She's a member of Alan on. Our ladies are perpetual revenge, so you can do a great alum on ten step. When I'm wrong, she promptly admits that she's really she's actually when. I don't know. I don't know how you frame it. I'm her qualifier. Every once a while go to her conventions and she's with the other gals in the corner. They're like pointing at me and laugh and and it wasn't for me I made her the woman she is today. You know, she's she's, whatever that is, and I'm going to tell you a little bit. It really is a blessing be be here, you know, one of the one of the reasons. You know what? First of all, I want to tell you something. I'm here because I want to be here. May Not seem like much to you, but I used to be at places and wish I was out of the places. I used to be at a barn, which I was another bar. I used to be at home and I wish is at a party. I spent my whole life wishing I was someplace else. And the only place, wherever I'm at today, I want to be there. I'm never anywhere I don't want to be, even when I'm with even if I'm out of place, that I have to be. You know that. I don't not like I decide I want to be here and I'm pretty much I know what you call that, something about rocket in the fourth dimension of existence. I don't talk about alcohol and fear and emotional spriting and stuff like that. So I don't know what you guys are. I know you know. I mean you're probably I've spoken a lot of places and I've never found any alcoholics that are different rab a different type of alcoholism. As I have I deal with alcoholics that, even if they get sober, there sometimes anxious. They worry about things like money, whether they're married or not married, whether they have romance in their life or their lonely. They worry about alcohols. Worried about a lot of stuff. Did you ever know that? I don't know. Maybe an Arizona. It's not like that. They're like a little neurotic and they're scared and they're insecure and you know, they're up there down, they're all over the place and every once in a while you they're crazy. They's alcoholics are crazy. You know that. I don't want to hurt I'm the first all. I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings. Let me just tell you something. This is my story. That ain't your story. I'm gonna say all sorts of Shit. Excuse my language. I'm going to say all sorts of stuff. They probably heard it before I've. I'm going to say all sorts of stuff that you're going to bother you. So it's a little bother somebody because you're alcoholics. Somebody will be bothered any exactly. Well, people's in on this here. You know so so, but let me let me just suggest something to you. I mean, you got, you read the same book I do whenever you disturbed, no matter what the cause, is something wrong with you. So the bottom line is, if I say something that really hurt your feeling, so you say who invited that kind you need to talk to you a sponsor. You need to do a fourth step. You need to try to figure it out, because as soon as you figure out why I piss you off, why you don't like me, you know what's going to happen. Number one, you're going to find out that the reason I take you off as the same reason you get ticked off out there by other people. And once you figure out why I ticked you off and you deal with that, you're never going to be ticked off by people like me again or anybody out there, and you're going to be at peace and you're going to grow up and you're going to get rid of that one resentment that's keeping you from being rocked in the fourth dimension of existence and you're going to grow up and you're going to get to the point that maybe things won't bother you. And when you get to the point where you things won't bother you. Then maybe you'll be a piece with yourself and then you'll have something more than just playing near Sobriety, physical sobriety, which is really just a symptom of the disease. It's a hell of a symptom, but the truth is that's the easiest thing to get rid of. Would you really start getting rid of his loneliness? You'll start giving me of getting rid of selfishness. Maybe you won't be selfish anymore and thinking about yourself all the time. So I'm here. I'll tell you a little something about and it's I don't know, there's something this strange stuff going on. You're out there in the spiritual world. I was on a zoom I do a threehour workshop. I Love Zoom. I have to tell you that with your hater to love it. I love it. I do about four or five ments a day. When I used to only do one or two, if great, yeah, I used to wanted or three. Means today I'll do four or five. Okay, so in an I'm seventy one, my life is over anyway, so it doesn't matter. You know, I got four kids that I raised, beautiful kids and seven grandkids, and what's the point anyway? So I got nothing better to do than to talk to alcoholics. I love alcoholics. Is Some I used to hang out with him all the time when I was drinking. I'm still lying out with the same crowd. What can I tell you? It's the same deal. So, in any event, so I was I'm I'm this meeting this morning and this is guys, like fifty people at the meet it's a workshop I...
...do every Saturday and is they go from, you know, I live about zoom. They come from all over the world and I'm no longer constrained by the gear graphics of the deal. Where I'm at this being because I got to be there because it's five blocks away from my house or two mile or whatever it is. They're people like from Ireland there and people from Australia there, and you know, and I know all these people because I've deal with them for seven months and they know me and we're friends and we're buddies. It's it's like a group, I don't know, it's like a fellowship. And and there's a guy there and he looks just like Sean Connery and I'm I'm looking at the guys, a man that looks like Sean Connery, and I mean it wasn't showan connery or you looked like sho on connery. I said to myself, and this is a thought that goes through my mind, I mean I I'm not making this stuff up. The thought goes for my mind because I'm seventy one years old. And one of the things that happens, I don't know where there's any oldsters here, guys who are in their s or s or s, but you get to a point, it's actually a really good thing, where you become conscious of your own more talentity. I mean you know, and not only conscious of it. This is this gets really weird. This is going to get really ESOTERICAN. You get not only conscious of death, but you actually you. This is going to sound strange, but I'm going to talk a little bit about this. You're not scared of it anymore. It doesn't bother you. I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me, and but you think about it and it actually is a good thing, because then you don't have to if you're dealing. What happens is when I used to walk places, I was always conscious of where I was going. You know, I was going out. Where's it going? And and now, because of my legs and because some disabilities and stuff like that, I have to walk real slow and I know I trip sometimes I use a king and so what happens is, now, you may think that's a bad thing, but here's what happened. What happens is so I'm very careful as to where I walk and I walk very slowly. So I'm very I'm very focused on where each step is. You understand what? I don't focus much on where I'm going. I focus on exactly where I'm at, which for me, is like a good thing. It's like a spiritual thing. I can't explain it, I don't know what it is, because I don't have to worry about where I'm going or what I'm going to do or stay in the future any of that stuff. So that kind of thing. So, in any event, so this is my experience. You know, my first sponsor told me. I've had for sponsors. You know, they're all temporary. They die on you just like I mean they do. I mean, if I've I've had them die on me. Beautiful wonderful man who I've loved and I meant and mentors and unbelievable thing and I'm hope I'll never be able to have enough time to speak about all of them. I have so many stories I could talk about as far as all of them. And and of course I have a sponsor now, because I've I've always there's always a man there for me to take over. All I got to do is ask him. Is always that little fear, you know, is you're going to say sponsor. Yeah, but my first sponsor told me Russell will, when a man with experience meet the man with money, the man with experience a walk away with the money and the man with the money will have walked away with an experience. So I know a lot of people say time doesn't mean anything, but let me you know. People say, you know, guys would like five years. Like to say time doesn't mean anything, or three a time doesn't mean anything, and and and, but I'm going to tell you some time means something. Time means something because the way we got a new perspective is by repeated humiliations in the final crushing of our selfsufficiency. It's not because we're smart. I'm recovering alcolock I'm a recovering smart person. I mean I'll talk a little bit about that, but I'm I'm when I start getting real stupid, all of a sudden I start getting real happy. You know. I mean one of the problems with alcoholics as they can stop drinking, but they can't stop thinking. They got that thinking problem. You know. You wake up at three o'clock in the morning, you're thinking about the money and you've been thinking about the money for a week. You'd be thinking about what's going to happen to you and what's gonna Happen You lose your house and what's going to happen when you lose your car. And you're not even worried about losing your car and your house. You worried about what people to think about you if you lose your house, what they'll think about you if you lose your car. And then you tell yourself stupid things like I'n't give a shit what the people think about me. You tell yourself that all the time. Alcohol say stuff like that. They lie to themselves because they delusional. They tell their friends, they'll tell their friends. Are Buy I don't get a crop are they think about it. How you know what I mean. But ultimately, if you grow up and become a man, you realize that that people that say they don't give a crap what other people think about them, all they do is think about what other people think about because people that really don't crab, what are the people think about? And they say things like passing a salt, but they don't say that crap, you know. And and so what happens is when, well, let me this way, alcoholics are somewhat confused. I think the first ten or fifteen years in alcoholics anonymous I spent learning what the disease was actually about. You know, we walk and everythink I thought, you know, I thought this is the truth. I came to alcoholics anonymous because I couldn't stop drinking. How people gave me acause they couldn't stop drinking. Damn, look at it, you know, I swear to God I looked a guy in the eyes said I need help, I can't stop drinking. I couldn't stop drinking.
I swear I thought the disease was you know, I mean I think you know, it's what's the organization is going alcohol it's anonymous. I mean, can you blame me? They're saying don't drink, even if it ass falls off. You know, there's a there's how I drinking their head. All white chips are drinking, drinking, drink and drinking, no matter what happened. You know, there ain't no problem so bad that a drink can make it worse, you know, and it's just drink till just don't drink, you'll be okay. And I thought it was drinking and come to learn that drink. It's not even the problem, it's just the symptom. It's just one of the holacious symptoms that the real problem. Sens this in my mind, not my body. and My sponse said the first step getting out of jails. You got to know you're in jail the first place. After fifteen, sixty years of drinking, I realized I was in the GI I was in the drinking jail, and I got out of the drinking jail because I came in tied. I became entirely ready to have got me move all that, remove the drink from me, and so I became ready to do whatever I had to do to stop drinking. And I guess that's very important, because nobody's going to do the stuff that we are supposed to do, unless they hit bottom and they get to the point where they're willing to do anything because they think their life depends upon it. And I got to that point, that jumping off place, and I did that deal. But but then what happens is, as you slowly go along, you realize that there's something wrong with you, because you're still waking up at three o'clock in morning wearing about the money and you still waking up and worrying about this and seems things seem to affect you. I told my sponsor, my first sponsor, I was terribly I was sponsor, I was my sponsors. I'm just to tell you this. I'm a lot of the they passed away and I love them, I respect them, but they're very abusive with me. They were, they were. I just want to point that out. I love them, I give them a lot of creates with they they didn't Trink me nicely. And you know what happened? Is it affected me, because abused children become abuses themselves. You understand what I'm saying, as in my fact that my age at all was forty years. Sobriety the only fun I have anymore is abusing my sponse's. That's the only I like the grand sponse's. I don't like the sponse he's that much. You know, the way I approach sponsorship is one of us is going to drink and it ain't going to be me. You know what I mean. So you come up to me and so I'm I think I'm going to drink. I said, go to it, have a great time. I got things I got to do, you know, and you know, and they you know, alcoholics are weird. Then they refuse to drink because they won't give it a pleasure. You know, I mean kind of sponsor. You you know. And it wake me up at three o'clock in moises. I'm going to kill myself. I said, why you wake me up? I could have read about this in the paper. You know what I need to scrap for. You know. So you know I mean. I'lcohol we see through a glass darkly. You know. I mean we come into alcoholics anonymous and for you know, all we do is get repeatedly crushed. Repeatedly crush me, creately crushed and crushed and crush. Ninety percent times for the same thing. It's for the same exact thing over and over and over again, and finally, after fifteen thousand inventories and talking about in groups and everything like that, and people are tell us what to do. We don't understand that. And you know, all that sort of stuff. I told one guy I hated my boss, my boss this for I spent a year and talking about my boss and what an idiot my boss was and how bad my boss wasn't some guy came up to me and he said to me, there's what he said to me. Says, you know, I got the solution your problem. You got solution, since absolutely, he says. He says, I have the same problem. He said, well, what you do? He says, I got another job. And I said, this is a guy just does and understand, because I'm not. Who's going to hire me? You know, nobody's gonna hire me, and then I'm not to go out and what if he finds out and everything like that, and Blah, Blah Blah, because I wasn't ready to I didn't want to get another job because it was scary what would happen and nobody would hire me and I needed the money and everything like that. And he didn't understand and what I didn't understand it is that I suffered from something called fear. Three years later the fear went away and I science staying here anymore. I'M gonna go get it. I'm going to go out and hang my own shingle. I'm a lawyer, I'm going to be I'm just going to make my own money because I was ready to do it, because my boss wasn't going to change. I had to change and I changed. Took me three years to do it, because that's the kind of thing, that's what works in alcoholic sounds. Things take time. That's why I repeated the humiliations or period that's why time is important, because every time I have a repeated humiliation and every time I get crushed, it's I should I should have freaked this out, because I'm pretty bright guy. When I first came in that this was all about being crushed and surrender. I mean Dr Bottom. The good old timers, you know, you can go to a meuless, you got on your neck and he's and gave your life to God. They called that the surrender. They go upstairs and you give you give your life to God in front a bunch of people and they'd say we had a real surrender. It's all about surrendering, surrendering the Romance, surrendering the sex, surrendering the money, surrendering the MV, surrendering the pride, surrendering the right to surrendering the right to be right. Sura, it's tall about it's our Sur rendering. Weren't worrying about what other people think about you. Surrender.
It's all about surrendering a crazy, crazy mind that's so warped that nothing can help it. Accept God. Surrendering. The fact that you don't want to believe in God. Surrendering me. The fact that you don't like people that talk about God. Surrender. The fact that you have a book that all it does is say, see to what your relationship with image writing great events will come to pass, you know, and countless others, surrendering. The fact that you have booth. That says the selfishness, self sent it is stripped by a hundred forms of fear, self delusions, help seeking be stepped on the toes of others their retaliate. That's the real disease. Seemingly without provocation, we learn we've make decisions based upon our selfishness. That puts a position to be helped. We're self born, right, but we don't even think so. Above everything, we must get rid of the selfishness. That's the problem, that's the insanity, and we don't even know what it is because we were pretty nice people. And it says there is no and it says and then it says this. It says we must get rid of this selfishness. God can do that for us. Not The third step, not the fifth step, not the eighteen step, not the best for step, says God will do that for us. Seems there's no other way of doing it. And then later on in the next page, what is it says? It says, once you make a sincere decisions, of course, in the in the in the in the chapter, the solution. It says even did it says it even differently. It says you can be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, you can experience much of heaven, but the great fact is this and nothing less, that God has become the essential back to you alive. You've got to be convinced, convinced that he lives in your hearts and minds and the way, which is miraculous, he's doing for you what you can't do for yourself. And I did the third step when I was about three or four. onth sober. I got a mind he's. I did the third step because I didn't want to drink and I knew I had to do it and my smiles told me to do and I did it. But I wasn't convinced and I know it. Wasn't convinced. If I was convinced, I'd never be worried again. And I worried for fifteen, twenty years until I stopped wearing because I became convinced. Nice stopped turning things. I used to turn things over, turn it over. It take a week to turn it over. Turn it over. I'm turning over the my wife, I'm turning over my mother, I'm to turn over this, I'm turning over the job, I'm turning over this and turning over that, and it might take me three days or four days or maybe go down to an hour or maybe five minutes and everything. And then one day I woke up and I realized I woke up. By that time I was going to church because the big book encouraged it, and I was I was going to a lot of a meetings and I was reading a lot of books besides the big book, the Bible is going to Bob. I was doing a lot of stuff. You don't have to do it. Don't get in nervous, you know, I'm just telling you my story. I'm not here. My God doesn't allow me to impose my religion on anybody or my beliefs on anybody, but it I'll tell you what the big book tells me to do, and it says my stories to suppose in general way what the big book encourages me to do. What I'm cuzous. I have to expose myself. I have to expose myself to other people, you know, because this is there. Maybe actually people in the audience that are actually looking to see how can I find God and who is God? And somebody may want what I have. And they said everything like I do. I like what he was talking about. I'm on the way he was talking about. There maybe somebody out there this might be interested. People that aren't interested in I'm not going to worry about it anyway. It's probably somebody out there that hates me. You know, that's okay. Their alcoholics. You gotta get like, Oh that stuff to you got to surrender that stuff. You know, the same guy. Seven years down the road he said, you know, I used to hate you, now I love you, you know. And because they got to be good, repeated humiliations, they got to get crushed, you know. And that's the deal, because all I'm doing is plant and seats in now anyway. So I'm sitting here in my and that's what does it say? It says we make us since here a decision, for God, says all sorts of remarkable things happen. Being all powerful, he'll give us everything we need if we stay close to him and performance work. Well, and it's work is very clear. His work is to be a maximo service to other people. That's what his work is. You have a new employer. I have guys that they will they will skip their children's they'll skip their children's graduation because your employers says you have to work. I have guys that will turn well, do backflips, will hurt other people, will skip out and also some important things, because that boss says they got to do something, because he's paying them. They don't want to lose the job. That's their earthly employer. Big Book says. I have a new employer and I have other people that will make all sorts of excuses not to do what their other employer says to do. I wonder what what my life would be like, what your life would be like, if you treated God is your employ the same way you treat your earthly boss as your employer. I wonder if you'd be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence. I guess there's two doors and a don't you think this the not drinking doll that everybody lines up after and they just don't drink and they don't drink. You know they say in the big book here and there once in a while a drinker, being dry at the moment, says feel better, look better, having a better time, he says, we smiled such fans. We know he's going to find try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety so soon. In a lonelies, just a few do if you think there are people, maybe even here, that of twenty five years that are lonely, think there are people that are so ober thirty, maybe forty years that are not happy with...
...their sobriety? I know there aren't because I sponsor them. I sponsor guys with twenty five, thirty years, thirty five years that aren't happy. They seek me out. I talked to him. We do workshops. You know, it's a terrible thing. You know, it's terrible thing. is to is to miss the whole deal, to go to the bank with the a banquet with air serving lobster and, you know, all sorts of prime rib and everything, walk out with a hand sandwich, you know, because you never wanted to jump in the deep end of the pool. You know what I mean? You never really wanted to do this thing. You did that. You you know you did that. You did the program the way I want to do the program you're going to do everything they say in the book, you know. I mean what do they say in Dr Bout in the good old timers, the books that we found absolutely essential. Anybody? Anybody ever heard the word essential? Give me a favorite. Say The word essential. Essential means essential, right. How about absolutely essentially? You think that's like real egg, you know, real bit. Here's the here's Dr Bob and the good old timers conference approved material that, if you really want more and you want to increase relationship with God, you might want to read, because we have a book that says, really, I've seen Prenson fail, whose thoroughly followed our path. Anybody ever read that? Thorough don't hate words like that. Thoroughly, utterly, utterly give yourself to God. Thoroughly give yourself to God. You know you thoroughly. Utterly. What is that? Half measures of Ellis nothing. Half measure, is that true? Do Half Measures of Ellis nothing? Isn't that crazy? I pretty much think in my thinking, which my spons told me to have a healthy disrespect for, I pretty much think half measures give me like fifty percent. Yeah, I mean, I'm not drinking our die. And isn't that the whole thing? And they's it's a half measures of Ala. There is no middle of the road solution. I'm a middle of the road kind of guy. I'm not gonna get crazy on this stuff. And I read this book, you know, about these men, and they say in the in the big book about in the dog of all good old times. He says the books that we found a rarely have seen Prinson fail, who has thoroughly followed our step, our path, and that book was written in about Nineteen thirty nine and they was started in nineteen thirty five right, let me see, let me do the math. Nineteen thirty nine. So. So for four years the guys that wrote the book wrote a book and says, really, I've seen a person of willows thoroughly followed our path. And the one thing we know they didn't do is they didn't read the big book. Did that? No, they didn't. But if you read Dal the bout in the good old timers, they say the books we found absolutely essential, our first twenty and is thirteen, sermon on the Mount of the book of James, who are almost called the James Club. When I start reading those books and studying the big book became, it went from black and white to technicolor. That's not in the maybe you're the game, because that's not you, because you're going to do your program. You do your program and I'll do my program. You know what I mean, and don't touts are telling me what I'm just telling you. Hey, listen, you can tell'd your own opinion. I'm telling your own fact. I'm just telling you what it said in in you those guys are wrote really haven't seen the perch of bals thoroughly follow up Ath. I'm just telling you what they said. You know, maybe one day, when you got twenty five years and you're not happy with your life and you know things aren't working out the way you wanted to work out, or something like that, maybe you'll start thinking. I remember that Guy Russell from my m use talking about all this crap and I wasn't going to do it. It was all bullshit. Maybe if I had done maybe that, maybe I go to surrender. May Not because I'm tired of being crushed. Maybe I need to do more. I don't know. I'm getting off the subject. I'm sorry, you know, I got to apologize. I have a you know, when you should have heard me, fifteen years ago, I used to say I used to talk about what was like, what happened, what it's like now, and I've been doing just so many steps, series and teaches everything that I get off on this stupid stuff and I apologize to you. So, in any event, here's the deal. Let me do this like real fast. The drinking thing. You can have to trust me. I'm a I'M A, I'm a drink the drunk. I but me take you. See, this disease is about insanity. This is we have a step called the second step, don't we? I mean in Arizona they have a second step. Now there's a second step. Correct me if I'm wrong. DOT's say. What is it? Say came to believe. Thank you, that because I got Alzheimer's. Now I'm seeing. I'm true. My wife had me tested for I seeing. It's an awsinility because she's upset. But she's thinks there's something wrong with me because there's a lot of things that happened that she gets upset about and I don't seem to get upset, and so I think this is something wrong with me because now, personally, now I have been tested, but I do think in all honestly, I should tell you that I was tested for simility just in case you decide you can rely on something I said. So it a event. So I was tested, but they cleared me. But what happens is when you get sober, and I think when you get emotionally sober. You know, Bill Wilson said that's the next frontier and he says real disease is unhealthy dependencies. In the Bible they would call it idolatry. That would mean worship the things of this world, following the things of this world, learned about the things of this world.
You know what I mean. So so what I think what happens is when you get emotionally sober and the things this world, in the circums you dissolved, develop something called equanimity which, if you look it up, means that's my third sponsor used to talk about e when nearly all the time, he said, he said you get to a point in your life where the your inner peace and who you are and what you are never depends upon your outward circumstances. And so what it essentially talks about is it talks about a man who, even during tough times, rename remains common the inside, which, if you know anything about alcoholics, if you ever sponsor people, is the exact opposite of the way we are. You know I mean. But that's some sort of spiritual thing that happens when you start believing in God, allowing the holy spirits come into your life and you joined the fellowship the spirit. Because Dr the way Dr Young explains it, says ideas, emotions, attitudes that are the guiding force of these men's lives are pushed one side and become dominated by homely set of ideas, emotions, and at dudes. So you know, you no longer have to turn things over to God. You just live a turned over life. You See, you learned to turn over life and you don't work the steps anymore because you just live the steps. Because what used to be really weird and strange and use the forces. I think it did a four Steph I did a third step yesterday. Oh, that was a six step. I did seventh step. What happens is you stopped, it stops becoming obvious that you're doing the steps because you just live in your life. You just live that way because that's the way you are. So I'm at home and as it was, so about eight months ago, they asked me to do this thing and I said sure. I said it because my spons when I first came in, he said you never turn down anybody when they asked you to do anything in a so I've done every job, everything, whatever it is. I've done all that stuff because the big book says I got to be a maximum service and I got to be like the Good Samaritan, which then I've read all about the Good Samaritan. I even read it. I even read it like they I know why they put it in there, because I read, even read the book of Luke and I read the actual Good Samaritan. I understand what that's all about. It and and I think what happens is when God comes into your life, then you focus on God and he becomes the central fact of your life. You don't have to be the Good Samaritan, you just turn into the Good Samaritan and you what happens is it gets kind of crazy, because what happens is you actually start helping people all the time anyway, because you got as much pleasure, you got more pleasure out of helping people than chasing after women in bars. And I put in a lot of effort as a lounge listed chasing after women. Let me tell you something. I was motivated. I wanted what they had and I was one to go to any light to get it. And and the bottom line is, when you get to the point in your life where you would rather go, you're not only going to means because you need means, because we all need means. You're going to means because they maybe somebody there you can help. And so you're listening intently to anything anybody says, because that's your life and you've turned into that. You know how pathetic you know. And I don't know, I don't know, I don't know my making any sense. So in any man. So I said, so, what happened with seven months ago? I said, yeah, I'll do this thing, I'll come out there and I'll do this thing. And what happened in the covid thing hit and and so every two months or so I'd speak to down and he'd say, well, you still going to do I said, yeah, I'm going to do it. And, as I said, in seventy one years old to have a lung problem. You know, I got for you know, kids, seven grandkids. They all worry about me, my wife and and and what happened is so about a month ago, and you know, and and I'm saying, well, it's Arizona, it's in the desert. Nobody gets the desert. You know it can you know that kind of dealing? And and then they came on the news that it was spiking out here as a spiking. So a thought came on to me. Thought came on to me that maybe I'm about thirty days ago, and I think my my wife you know, they allen on might have mentioned something to me. It's possible. I'm not blaming her. Somebody might have. I had a you know, I have a lot of people coming up to you and say you're really going out there, you really keep me to the covid thing and everything. And and so do. A thought came on to me. He says, well, maybe I maybe that's stupid, maybe I shouldn't go out there. And you know, here's the crazy thing. I mean, I'm just telling you the truth. You know, they say to give a good a talk, all you have to do is be sincere and once you learn how to fake that, you got it made. But but what I find, what I find is that what really is, really do a good a talk is just tell people the truth. You tell people tooth the matter. How crazy it is. Five people come up to say hey, you're talking about me. You know. I mean it's because, you know, we're all like twins. You know, Black White, you know rich b you know big fat, I don't care. We're all twins. So the store comes to you know, maybe I'm crime, maybe I should you know, blah, blah, blah. You know, I'm thinking about my sponsor you always say, yeah, you know, and but you know something, I was never confused as to what I was...
...going to do. And the reason I was never confused, and this is the truth, and this reason I'm here, is because, even though I know that thought came up from my mind, because I have an alcoholic mind and thoughts like that come up. Here's what happened. I knew. I knew the Lord wanted me to be here. I knew the God wanted me to be here, because the big book says. He says never hesitate to go the most sordid fit places. Not that this is sort because I know the big book says, because I know the big book says, be on the fiery line of life, go wherever you got to go, and I read wherever I had to go, to the detoxes, everything like that. In the God will protect you why you're doing it, and I knew that. So I was never confused by my alcoholic thoughts, even though I have that, and sanity to a certain extent, and it's been mitigated. And I know I'm insane because the second step, you guys do, the second step ran. It says, it says, it says, came to believe that higher power would remove restore you to sanity. So listen, let me. I know they don't see. You know what. I like that the big book really it's so gentle, you know, even when they say here, here's the thing. The big book, You understand. This is terrible. What I do. I think these right turns. And I forget. I was going to say, like the big book says selfish, this self centeredness driven by a hundred forms of your self delusions, you know, and everything. You know it we step on those of us. They retalities seeming to happen. But all that stuff that I just said right. So it almost sounds poetic. It almost founds like hey, that's that sounds great. You know what I mean. And my sponsor said, when I said what does that mean? He says that means you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. He says that doesn't sound good. That's why I told my sponsor, I said I'm sensitive. He Says No, no, Russell, great artist as sense, if you're just touchy. You know, it's a big difference, you know. And and I was talking about something else. I can remember what I was talking about now. He said I should, I should keep my train of thought and in that kind of thing. And so that's the usually have a book mark and they say this is what you were talking about before you skipped over that other thing, you know. And and so that's that. So I'm here's here's the deal. So so, yeah, the INSENSE. So the IT says it'll restore you to sanity. So here's the deal, because I'm a lawyer, I'm a wordsles, so let me. I'm you know, I was learned to have a healthy disrespect with my own thinking, but I still can figure this. If the second step will restore you to sanity, you have to be insane. You got you got to be insane. So it doesn't say you're insane and God will restore you to sanity. It says came to believe. So so it's not like you think that there's something wrong with you or anything, you know what I mean, even though it's like you can go on thinking that you're okay. You know what I mean, and you know seven years old, but you want to put a muzzle of a gun and blow your brains out. You so well, it's Raleigh, you know, they call me. You're insane, you know it's okay. You know that's okay. It's all going to work at so in twenty or twenty five years. That's what I tell my spins ill y'all that thing, the fear, the Oh yeah, don't worry, you'll be okay in twenty years. Just hanging and be okay. You know, everybody goes through that. You got to be crushed. You got to be crushed, not be crushed. You got to be crushed, but crushed, crush, crushed, crushed, crushed, crushed, crushed, crushed. You got to go through that stuff first step, over and over again. Unless, in until in alcoholic accepts his alcoholism and all is consequences, surprised to be precarious of true happiness, will I'm done at all. You got accept how crazy you are, and you don't even know how crazy you are. You walk a day thinking you're oka cause you having a drinking six months or six years and you walk with like a little flashlight, just it, just you, just just to see how big the cage is. You know what I mean? And you know you got the sex cage, you got the money cage, you got the why don't they love me? Cage. You got why won't they accept me? Cage, you got to say. What do they get think about me? Cage, you got, you got stuff laid. I'll go up. I go to my one of my mentor's Real Keith, you know. I say, nine years sober. Yeah, I'm a higherner. I'm broke. I'm broke. Why am I broke? You know, my first lifting. My sponsor said, well, when you spend more money than you make, you go into something called that. I said, I don't understand that stuff. You know what I mean. It's is I got the solcition for you. Earn more or spend less. I said, what does that mean? You know what I mean. Eyes. I'm earning as much as I can. I can't spend any less. He said, simplify your life. I know what that means. Simplify your life. Get rid of the Mercedes, get rid of them. To say, I know what that means. Simplify your life. He says should simplify your life. I ain't going to happen. I get rid of the car. You know I mean, what will people will think? Not that to give a shit. You know what I mean. They think what they think about me. You know what I mean by the way. You know what that is? That's alcoholism. That's the real alcohol that's the real alcoholism. Boy Drinking. That's bullshit. You know what I mean. That's let me tell you something. Everybody stops drinking or they die or they died drunk. You know, everybody comes in stop, they cut stop drinking for a week, for a month, you know, three months, whatever it is, ten years, fifteen years, or they die or whatever it is. But you know some that stop, you know something. If they drink again, you know why? They drink again? Because they have help to stop thinking. That's the real disease. If they drink again, they're drinking over...
...the car. They're drinking over the house. That drinking over the wife. That drinking over the jealousy, that drinking over the Loneness, that drinking over they're not drinking over the drink. Listen, the craving happens when you take your first drink, you understand. Then the cravy gets set up. You know what I mean. You don't take your first drink and you drink it stopped because of the craving. It's because you're insane again, because you have been working on the real deal, because you haven't accepted the real program and because you aren't kneeling and giving your life to God and making him the focus of your life, and instead you're sitting in meetings and you're not even talking about it because you're scared that other people will get married at you. You understand. And when you have a fellowship with the entire big book and everything about is devoting yourself to God in every paragraph, and you got a crazy fellowship where most people don't want to do that, so maybe a couple of all times they may be a round. So do you sit there and you want to talk about what guys doing for your life? I ask questions, but you shut up because you're scared, because you're worried about but people in this fellowship reading those books will think about you. That's one crazy son of a rich thing. I got to tell you. So let me tell you. Here's the deal. You know why I can talk like this? Because I'm not scared of you all, and you know some. I'm not even worried about your opinion of me. I have one individual one. I worry about what God thinks about me. Bill Wilson and alcoholics, anonymous number three, buill dots and you know the man on the bed. You ever see that thing, the sign of men dead? They got bill and Bob and there's the guy in the be able with a funny t shirt and they're reading from the Bible. That's what they're reading from, because that's what they had for the first four years. And it's called came to believe, by the way. Yeah, so what happens is so so the bottom. So what happens is is you lose the fear and what you're concerned about more than what people think about youse. Could concerned about what the God of your understand things about. You want to, Bill Wilson said. When bill DOTS and said I want I knew there was something more, you know, you look up in the book. I'm not Lyne to you says I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got, some sort of release, some sort of release that I thought a person ought to have, and I was trying to find the answer. Bill was in my house. It was in the afternoon. We read in a sandwich and he was talking to my wife, Henrietta, and I heard bill say this. How do we have the Lord's been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease. I got to keep talking about and telling other people. I got to keep talking about, tell the I can't help myself from talking about and tell another people. And he says I heard that. I called that the golden text. He said Bill was very, very grateful his sobriety. He gave all credit to God and all you do was think about God. You know, that's the deal. And you know what kind of person would I be when I was a guy who was lifted from the buck of alcoholism, when evil son of a going to only give a shit about myself and put it in a put in a place, rock it up other people, rock it into the fourth dimenssion of existence? If I was embarrassed to talk about God? Now I can understand why somebody won years. If I hate don't you try this at home. I'm a professional. You know what I mean. I can understand. I'm not saying, Hey, I heard Russell, I've been going in my group and I'm telling Harry I got to do this and like no, no, but if I don't talk about what God has done for me. As a matter of fact, there's another quote in Dr Bottom. The good old timers, where bill him self, because I'll leave it not bill was an alcoholic, as much as I love them. Guess what, he's not my higher power. Bill's not. Bob's not. Alcoholics, anonymous is not. You know, the trustees are not my higher power. You know. I mean, that's all man stuff, you know, and I'm one of these guys. I need the highest power because my problems are just that big, you know. And let me tell you something. And I need the power that will overcome death. I fear death. That's the kind of power I need. That's the deal I'm I'm looking for, you know, and he's come through to me, because God will always appear if you want him enough. You know, that's the deal. So one day I'm probably past the hour ready. So one day I'm going out with some Gal. I'm in love. I'll key love. You've been an Alky love. Oh, oh my God, she's gorgeous. I'm gorgeous, I'm young, I'm like eighteen years old. And Oh, there's a lot of secs, you know what I mean. And and one day this is the woman I love. This is the woman I love. One day she says to me, we've been going out at universe of Miami for like a year. Every day I'm either with her, I'm thinking about her, worrying about her, that she really loved me, a Chelsea and all that stuff. And and she says to me, she says, you know, my parents haven't seen me in a year and they want me to spend Christmas with them. Fly Up there, spend the week Christmas with them. And I look at her and I say this to the woman I love. I said, well, what about me? I said what about me? You guys, probably you don't know what it's like. I said, what about me? I'M YOU'RE gonna be up...
...there on Christmas and we have this big blow at argument because I'm going to be here alone and to be up there. I know she's got a boyfriend up there. I know she's going to be going to bed with him. I know what's going on. I'm not stupid, you know what I mean. And she says, well, I got to go, and so she goes up to New York, the woman I love, and you know, I'm sitting around drinking and worrying about her and I have an idea. This is a credit card I have in Max dog you know what I mean, because I'm a guy. I spend money, I don't have my shit. I don't need to impress people I don't like. You know what I mean. I just do that stuff all the time. And and so if you haven't walked in here with a huge credit card balance, having cars take away from me, it's just because you never qualified for one. But it even. The bottom line is, I'm not saying there's different people in here. Some people are scrooges, but even so, and even so, I fought. So I have an idea, a brainstorm, and Il Cool Gray says I will surprise her. I will fly up there and on Christmas Day, you know what I mean, I come to the door, I knock on the door high it's me to ruin your Christmas. You know what I mean, it says. Well, I called it love. The cops called its stalking, but what do they know? You know what I mean. What do they know? Now, not listen. You know what that is. By the way, let me tell you what that is. That's alcoholism. That's selfishness. That's what selfishness looks like. So I marry some Gal, I see some guy. I mean, if only earn if you're an alcohol here and if only earn a yef. Oh, if only had that guy, if only had that car, if only had that money, if I only have that job, only, if only, if only, I run after I chase have that only I kill you. I worry about what I don't have that and if I'll do anything to get that thing. And then I get it and I'm okay for like a week and then, no, if only I had this, if I have newer cars. I'thing like that. And so I chase after this girl. I do whatever I can to get this girl. I get this girl, I get it to marry me. We have a kid. You know what I mean. I moved to my Ambi Beach. I'm beautiful house, I'm on golf course. I become a division chief in the state's Attorney's office. I'm trying murder cases. Everything's Okay and you know, like a I don't know, a year later I'm in a bar looking at women till four o'clock in more than my wife's at home with a baby because, you know, it wasn't working anymore. You know, you know what I mean. You know sometimes you get tired. You know you we're different people. Maybe we got married too young. You know, I mean, you know, maybe that's what I told myself. I never cheated physically on my wife. Never cheated on my physically on my wife. Never did that. You know, I just sat in the bottle four o'clock in the morning and start thinking about cheating on her and saying, why can't I see you a while? If I only had that home man, if I only had that red half, I land, that blind I'd I get at four o'clock in the morning, and then and then one day, because because she had you ever buy a new car and you love it and you feel great because you know what the problem is. I'm an alcohol coots. No job, no matter of money, no woman, no suit of clothes ever made me feel so good, just as fast and so fast as a couple drinks of booze. And if alcohol did for me what it did for me when I was eighteen years old, I'd still be drinking. But it stopped, stopped working for me. So I don't drink. And the sad news about my life as it stop working for me about ten years before I realized this stop working for me, and I heard a lot of people, but you know what I learned after I stopped drinking? That women do that for me too, that cars are that for me too, that money does that for me too, that applause does it for me too, that this world and things that the world do that for me too, and I run after them the same way I ran after the alcohol and I have the same results. And so all I can tell you is, if you've ever had a new car, if you've ever had a new car and you love the new car and it makes you feel like you're really something, because one of the problems I found out with Dr Carl would you know what was said in the book man against himself for in one thousand nine hundred and thirty thirty two, that alcoholics and men women are out to destroy themselves, that we actually think we're piece of crap, which is why when you're in the shower, labbing, you're up, you're ladding yourself up, or you're in the car, all of a sudden you'll hear this voice in the voice says you're an Asshole, you ought to kill yourself, you're never going to be okay. That's sort of music that alcoholics play themselves all the time and they sort of like turn on the TV or the radio where they look around it, he said, they sort of like push it away, you know what I mean, and they say, well, look around. Who said that to me? It's not I'm the only one in the car, because that's your opinion about you, with you, that's your reputation with you, about you, that you're no good you're not good enough, you're never going to go to be good enough. I'm a nothing. I'm always got to be in nothing. I've never been anything better nothing. I used to put something in my my tummy called Scotch. It may be into an almost when you're nothing, almost as top of the world, you'll settle for that, and sometimes women will do that for you and cards will do that for you. had money'll do that for you, and it's just as horrible as the drinking because it keeps you away from true happiness. But the problem is the whole world is doing it and it's all on TV and everybody's telling you to do it seven so you don't even realize it's a problem. So the drinking, which is easy because it becomes a problem because the wheels fall all the other stuff and you can just be miserable for your entire life and die and never even realize that your real problem is your suffer from world, the wholism, thing of thing, thingoholism, womenoholism, menoholism, relationship of wholism. They...
...only want to listen to guys like me because if I'm right, and Oh man, let's that'd be crappy. You know, I came here for alcohol. You know. Well, this is kindergart, what he called spiritual kindergarten. Yeah, but some of US want to go to high school, you know what I mean? We'd like to grow up, you know, and become the man instead of the boys. That's the sixth step, you know. And so finally I leave that woman, I leave that wife because we're growing in different directions. She has understand me and I understand her, and Blah, blah, blah. And I leave that child. Don't know, I did all the right thing. I paid my child's worn every like that. You know why? Because she became like the youthed car. Not New cars are night, but she was like a youth car. Is that sound horrible? Does that how hard? But what you want to something I was. I was a horrible person. I was an evil person. I don't. I don't delude myself. Things. Want basically a nice boy, just because I wear a threepiece suit and I'm an attorney prosecuting people, that I look okay and everything. I know what my help I know what selfishness is all about. I've learned over a period of years with selfishness is all about. I need to embrace how selfish and evil I was so I can be so I can have the same reverence for God, so I know what he did to me and for me, so I can be forever grateful to him. Because if I just think I was just pretty much a fairly nice guy, not selfish, I didn't really want to hurt anything, I'm okay, and God help me with the booze, but otherwise I'm great. I am missing the entire deal and one day I'll think, I'll think I'm just so good because I'm not drinking for forty years or something like that. I'll start forgetting about what this disease is all about in its cunning, Bafflen and powerful so I come in to alcoholics anonymous. December twenty five, nineteen eighty one thousand nine hundred and eighty haven't been kicked out of Christmas, a Christmas party no shape. WHENNA, I'm alone in my house, it's two o'clock in my morning. I'm thirty one years old and my life is over and I know it's never to get it better again and I can't stop drinking and some preach comes on the TV said, and I he said, if you want to change your life, and he gives a little testimony, says, let God come in to your life, and I hit my knees, I say the sinner's prayer and I invite Jesus into my life. and which is not a big deal maybe for this crowd, but for Jewish kid from Long Island, New York, it was a big deal. I got it. You had to be there, you know. My sponsor said you can't rob an alcohol of his desperation. You know, every alcohol has his last strength. If you haven't been to that place where you'll do anything, you know, try anything. And I didn't think any. Think happened to after after that? But after after thirty days, I put had my last drink. Then I came to alcoholics anonymous. I'm white ship Wunder and a lot of stuff has happened after that and I don't have time really to talk about it right now. Probably gone through the hour, right. What am I I have five minutes. Five minutes to go through forty years. Give me ten minutes, I'll do it. I had these terrible sponsor. My sponsor comes in, my first sponse comes to my office. I'm sending my office. I'm three months ober. He looks up at the wall. I've got literally thirty plaques and diplomas and degrees from I can't even explain to you. Testifind I've been educated far beyond my capacity understand anything you know. So I am I sponsor. I was supposed to be sponsored by Albert Einstein or Jesus Christ. They weren't available. They stuck me with the used car salesman from Chicago didn't even graduate elementary school. Go figure. But unfortunately, by the time I gotten here, I had only two neurons working and they were waving goodbye to each other. So I didn't know any difference. So what I mean? So I'm sitting there and and he comes in. He's sitting in front of my desk and I like, I point to my diplomas and I say Bob, these are my degrees, and he says, he looks and he says, well, you know, Russ rectal thermometers have degrees and you know what they do with those. Says, I'm not making this stuff up, you know, I'm just I didn't go through some a joke book. Is what he says to me. You know, you know, you know, I could take another hour and tell you the stuff that he did and said to me. One time he told me. I told him I didn't think I haven't go to means on Thursday. He said Yeah, as long as you never drank on Thursdays. As I said, I figured it out. He said rush, you know as much about life because dog knows about his father. And I'm sitting there, I'm literally sitting there. I'm trying to figure out what he's telling me because I thought he may have been complimenting me. I wasn't sure. You know, we're driving. I'm I'm going to end with this, this this one thing, which usually takes me fifteen minutes on I'm a compress it into three minutes. Okay, five minutes. You know, I feel terrible. It's like Sophie's choice. I want to leave here.
There's so many stories I'm not going to tell you. I'm going to feel bad about but I'm gonna do the Best I can, you know what I mean. So I'm about I'm about a year sober. There's a guy named bobby and he's being sponsored by my sponsor, my first sponsor, and bobby is a slipper. Bob Is the guy like he gets thirty days together, he's doing good and then off cendy drinks. Thirty days. He drinks as back. He even say I'm coming upon that time again. I'm a thirty yeah, thirty days. You know, it's my time. Yeah, I don't know what the deal is, but anyven I'm watching, I'm stark raving sober. I'm watching Bobby, you know what I mean. And every time he gets drunk, he'd wind up and bark up in Fort Lauderdale. We drive up there, we get them, but I would would set him up again, get him, give them a job, give him a little cash. Taking the a means. He did it over that. We did it six times, seven times, and I drive up with him get bobby. So like the sixth time we're driving up there, and this is a story about alcoholism and this is a story about recovery and this is a story about the whole deal. Okay, so we're driving up there and I'm feeling sorry for my sponsor because I know he's got like twenty years, but he's like stupid for I mean to be honest with you, I mean he's really not right. I mean, this guy who's fall so full of crap, you understand. So I start, I said, I said Bob, I said, I said, this is crazy. We did this last month, we did the month before, I did a month before that. I mean, I'm a lawyer, I mean I'm proving my case. Let me tell you some I'm so right, I'm out right. If you don't agreeve me, you got to die, because she's so stupid. And I said, I got three by five cards, I got photographs, I got tape recorded statements, you know, I got everything that. I got police reports. I said, we did this last month. Leave. This guy is a phony, he's a loser. He doesn't give a crap I do. He's using you. He's usually I'm going crazy. I mean I'm like, let's let them, let's call him and get them, and that we ought to turn this car around and and he let me keep on going on like that for twenty minutes and or repeating myself until I finally, you know, I finally got tired. He said, he looked at me and he said, are you done? And I said Yeah, yeah, well, I wasn't because I now I had the lynch mob in my mind where we got to kill him, you know. And Man, if you I used to run around in my car with a machine gun killing, I've killed, murdered so many people. Women showed you cross me, I kill your wife, I blow up. I mean I'm like got murder on my mind. You know, there ain't no probation for me. And Yeah, you're laughing. You don't know what it's like. But an event. It's hard to live a peaceful life when you want to kill everybody, but an event. So so so he says to me, says, are you done? And and I was I was still thinking. He says, he says are you done, he says yeah, he says no, are you done. I said yes, this is no. Are you done? I said Yeah, I'm done, I'm done. Now what's this guy going to say? Because I was, I swear to God, I was right. He was a phony. He was full of crap. I was right. What could he say? What could this die? Never can graduated on lunchury school use car salesman. Say This big shot lawyer. He said Russ listen. I said what he says. Listen. He said what what he said? Listen. Yeah, so what's he going to say to me? Says he looks at me, says Russell. It doesn't bother me like it bothers you. I look at my said how could not bother you? Everything bothers me, you know. You know. He used to have what I had. It was called alcoholism. You know what that is? That's alcoholism. Nine years lay eater, nine years later, sponsoring people and to grow back with chairman two years in a row. You know, Group's secretary, you know, into group chairman. Every you go through, whatever the service is, that, whatever the deal is, all the steps, doing steps, series, teaching the steps. Nine years later, my lovely wife, this the lovely wife, the love of my life. You know she you know how she is. You know. I don't have to tell you. You know I mean she we had an argument. She said something, disrespected me. Whatever it is it was, I'm going to tell you something. If I could only remember what it was, you would be so on my side. It would be unbelievable, you know, and I because I was so right, you know. And I went up to my sponsor, Joe Snyder at the time, and I said, I'm getting a divorce. I said that's it. I didn't sign up for this crap. I didn't sign up for this crap. And I explained to him in detail everything she did and everything she said. Now, I don't know about you, but I have the God given gift that all alcoholics are given, where when I'm pissed off, I know exactly why I'm pissed off. I can tell the whole room, I can tell the...
...entire earth. I know exactly what the problem is. You know what I mean in detail. As a matter fact, I can't wait to tell you the problem. I'll tell to you over and over again. And I explained the whole thing to him and I say, and so, I and on, if I'm getting divorced. This over, you know, and he looks at me after I tell him everything. He says, and I was steaming. He says, do you know why you're upset? And I said so, I said, I just spent twenty minutes tell you why I would said. He said, that's not why you're upset. What you talk. I said, I just I just told you what she did and what he says. That's not why you're upset. I said, Bob, I just told you what she said and what she did. The exact thing. I mean, if there's anything I know, if there's anything an alcohol knows, is why he's upset. You know, I mean I have a God given right. I know exactly. He says, that's not why you're upset. I said, that's not why I'm upset. He says, that's not why I'm set. He shut up. I said that that's not why I've as yeah, that's not why you're upset. And say anything. And so I look at him. I say, you know why I'm upset? He said absolutely. Sure, said you know why I'm upset. Oh, yeah, it's easy, I said, you know absolutely. I said, well, you're going to tell me why I'm upset. He says, I don't know. You really want to know? I said where? Of course I want to know why. I'm Um said, he said, he said this is how he said. He said listen, stupid. He said listen, stupid, you're upset because you're upsetable. I'm saying, what is it? What is this? Like Zen AA or something? You know, do you remember? Nine years before that, nine years before that, my late sponsor who was going through the same factual thing I was going through, and I was yelling and screaming and I and I told them everything that I was upsetting me and why I was upsetting me. You remember what he said to me? He said you're upset, I'm not. He says it doesn't bother me like it bothers you. It's not the circumstance. He says you don't have equanimity. Says everything bothers you has nothing to do with the circumstances, has everything to do with your spiritual condition, because you haven't let go and you haven't liked God in your life. You know, all I know is I've been married now forty years, close to forty years. You know, she's pretty good most of the time. She gave me a foot rob tonight. I had a beggar to do it. You know what I mean? Just thought I wanted to throw that in. You know, what I mean and that's the deal. So God bless you. Thank you very much.
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