AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 8 · 2 years ago

Paul E - God Shots @ South Dixie Group Jan 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

I remember this group. I'm muscleprogram chairman for this year, so I chose the first speaker. Jim cameup to I want you to know this isn't the usual format. He saidfrom now on we're would like to maybe change the format. So you introducedthe speaker, so don't attack me at the business meeting afterwards. It's wasn'tmy call. I'll throw JIM under the bus. It's his fault. Iknow one of the Carson rules, I was told many years ago, andalcoholics anonymous, is never say anything bad about a an a speaker if he'sgoing to speak after you, which obviously finds me speechless at this point.And but luckily the speaker, who I've known for many, many years,have done many meetings with them, join meetings, sent me a script asto what to say about them and I'll just sort of follow that script.Let me explain. Some of you, there are some alcoholics anonymous speakers thatare so highly spiritually developed, so incredibly spiritually developed, that no matter howmuch you deprecate them, no matter how much you make fun of them,no matter what what you say about them that may hurt their feelings. Thereat such a spiritual level that they would never reciprocate or retaliate in any waywhatsoever because they never take anything personally and they're just and all they do isexude love. Unfortunately, our speakers not one of those people. So I'mgoing to He'd be disappointed if I didn't do that. He's going to tellyou that he has more time than me because he calls me we happen tobe are we at the place now where we have the same amount of time? Another way, every are he calls me up to say I just wantyou to congratulate you because for a brief period of time you have the sameamount of time as me. But he reminds me that he has like ninemonths or eleven months more than me and and but of course I don't knowwhat he'll share this, but he initially came to Na, so you gotto do the conversion. So it really has maybe five years. But inany event, I want to welcome he's a wonderful, wonderful I'll tell youone thing. He'll help a drunk whatever he has to do to go whereverwe has to go to helping alcoholic. So I don't want to take upany more of his time. Help me. Welcome Paul E. Have a littlecold. We're gonna get weight pass then I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic.My name is Paulie Russell. These are at all notes about you. Theseare just little things that I have to copy out today because I was thinkingabout it. I was leaving the House and we say, away from politicsof this program. But I got sober and this is what's going on now. Made me think of this. During the Iranian hostage crush and my sobrietydate, I would chronicle bye. If you remember, they used to newand the news every night days, seventy six of the Iranian hostage crisis.Well, I got sober somewhere right in that time, friend, and quitefrankly, out of how selfish I am, I was a little pissed when theywere released because I didn't get anyone counting my sobriety. And Anyway,if you have a hearing problem from New York City, and my life's beenblessed, and all of our lives have been blessed, just that we don'talways feel that. I happen to be feeling it today. I'm tell youa little bit about my experience, my strength and my enormous amount of hope. There's a real good feeling in this room. For whatever reason, itjust probably because a lot of sobriety, of people that really give away stuff. So the one thing, you know, we've never been to this place.You and I was telling Michael, one of my one of the NewPeople in our lives, that that's coming around and getting the deal the wayI got it. And this guy, Kenny Kine, was one of mymentors and for Lord of the never my sponsor, but one of my mentors, and he died within the last year and we spent a lot of timetogether going to meetings. He worked for me and for a while and andhe used to say, Paul, if...

...you want to get to some placeon time, you get up early and you leave early and you get thereearly, which is why I very rarely have been late for a commitment.And alcoholis anonymous. Today we had a time that Michael was going to meetme at the one on one and I was going to leave my cart.I was ten minutes late. Then we came down here and we got alittle lost and we would ten minutes for our re late, but obviously weleft enough buff the time that we would stilly at ten minutes early. Soit's a little secret. That's worked for me and it is taking a lotof the stress out of my life. As far as when you come upagainst an intercoastal bridge or a railroad trade and you see people look at Ohmy God, you know they all have you don't have to be there,you don't have to let that happen. I'm a product of the S toan in turn on and drop out and man, I played the hand out. It's amazing to me, I got to tell you, and it's onlythat I'm sober long enough to realize the power of the power and that,by the grace of this unconditionally loving God, he chose not to let me die, even when I tried to kill myself. So I don't know wherethose cards or hands are stacked up. I get I probably never will,but people that were much nicer than me, that did a lot less than me, and I didn't, which simply tells me that my mission on earthisn't finished. You know, it was this all book that I read bythe author of Jonathan Libbys Seagull and Richard Bach and it's called the illusions andit's just a bunch of little snippets and little quotes, and one of thesnippets it says, how do you know if your mission on Earth is finished? And the answer is if you're alive. It is it, and I neverforgot that. Probably read that thirty five years ago. Anyway, Igot in a lot of trouble in New York. Doesn't matter. I dida lot of alcohol at a lot of drugs, and that doesn't matter.What really does matter as I was blessed and graced to be delivered, however, I got here to the doors of alcoholics anonymous, and to find thegroup of loving people that we're going to go so far above and beyond andout of their way to rescue me from the Dung heap of life and togive me a life like I have today. And, by the way, Ihave coming out of a semi major depression of the last year or two, just like our co founder had. Okay, I still did what Idid. Had to go to me, I still did have some one peep. I know what works. You know if you don't go to meetings,you're going to have a tough time being loved back to life, and soI keep going to meetings, but it was tough at it passed within thelast month. But what's happened is I'm more on fire today because of ithaving bears and my blessings are returned and I'm realizing it. You know,if you knew where you're coming back, welcome home. You're off the hook, and that's what was told to me a long, long time ago inthe S and S. I'm just going to give a bullet point encapsulation,and I love people say I'm not going to get into a drunken log andforty five minutes later, still in high school. That's not that's not goingto be what's going to happen, I promise you. But I'm going toshare in a general way what used to be like, at what happened andwhat it's like today. So I'm from Queens in New York City and Iwas born in one thousand nine hundred and forty eight, which means, likethe song by Jackson Brown goes, in...

...sixty five, I was seventeen andit's sixteen nine. I was twenty one. It's always running on empty and that'sjust by age, by seventeen, I was already a major set upfor this disease. I was at some point in the beginning of the middleof beginning of it and my boundaries were none. I'm a very smart guy'sremember I saw something online today as I was leaving the house about all presidentsIQ or something. I didn't read really that's the lead story. And Ihad a very high Iq and somehow it carried me through to keep me inschool a little longer than I probably should have. But then my actions wentway over any amount of IQ Wa protection level. And back in the NewYork, I don't know if they had it down here, they had thisthing when I went to school called the SPS, and I think that wasthe word. Just a personal opinion, the worst thing that they ever didfor the smart people. You skip from seven to ninth grade. Now that'sit. A very, very emotionally sensitive and and I believe today that wasa big contributory factor to my progression of my disease. All I had todo was look at the pictures in my yearbook. I was already a yearbecause of my birthday in April. A year behind that. Oh, youngerthan most of the people. Now I skip from seven to ninth grade,so I basically two years behind. Now let me tell you something. Youcan look at the pictures in my yearbook. I'm still this short, fat kid, but I'm now wearing leather gloves at a muscle shirt because I'm scared. I'm petrified. Everybody's towering over me. I am going to school. I'mpetrified. I but I got to let you know that I'm not ormake believe to let you go on that. So I think that was I don'tknow if they still do it, but if I thought of it Iwould probably have them stop it, or tried to. So, if thefive or six arrest if the five was six mental hospitals, over which myfriend gasped, for God love him, used to like to say houses forthe very, very nervous, and really today they're called treatment centers, butback in the s they were mental hospitals and the only difference of thirty orFORTYZERO dollars a month. So and it's a progressive disease. So I progressedfrom the high end ones hillside general hospital, where they used to say the advertisersAdvertising The New York Times magazine section and he said let your parents andyour families stroll all luscious grounds and watch you make your leather belts. Andit was his real enormous acreage. I mean hillside general. You know you'vebeen there, were you, my roommate? Come on now and then, dueto the progressive nature of the disease, just as my felony arrests came aftermy misdemeanor arrests, the State Mental Hospital came after Hillside General Hospital,with a few in between. My last residence in New York, in onethousand nine hundred and seventy seven, was creedmore state hospital. Now, ifyou've never been to New York, let me just share with you this isa place. When you're a kid and you're on the way to the beach, your parents point it's his real imposing structure off the Grand Central Parkway andthey say, you don't straight now, you're going to end up it.I'm the only one that did, and I in there. I had myown rocking chair and I was drooling because...

...that's what you did, and Iwas watching a television that didn't work and I had this glassy I'd what wecall fords and stare I'm right there right now. Okay, it doesn't takethat long for me to go back into costume. No one thousand nine hundredand seventy six and from in the S I was a functional and the earlySeventis Functional Alcoholic Addict. I was a national sales manager of a Home ImprovementCompany. I was making a lot of money and somewhere in the mid SI began having a little bit of a detachment from reality, a little bit. I was I got married in seventy two for the first time, notto be confused with the second time, certainly not to miss the third time, but that's a whole other story. We only have an hour so wedon't Mandy to get to those stories, but I feel sorry for every oneof my wives. So I get married in seventy two and I'm working atthere, making a lot of money, and somewhere in around seventy four orseventy four I I took another step away from reality. I don't know how, I'm just looking back on it, and I began to go to apsychiatrist or therapist and I kept progressing even further and then I ended up onFebruary first nineteen seventy three. Certain dates that will never leave my mind.Okay, this is one of them. February first, nineteen seventy six.Anybody ever been to a Broadway show on Broadway? Okay, well, thisis my Broadway experience. You may have not a gotten your start on Broadway. I did. Here we go, February first, one nineteen seventy six. I had decided I was my life was getting in order, I wasmaking money, I was married, I had a two year old daughter andeverything was got. Was Living at a beautiful place of Bayside, Queen's,driving a luxury Lincoln Continental. So my whole family, most of them,had moved to Pikesville, Maryland, and I didn't have a big family,but I was certainly the black sheet of it. And what I decided thatI wanted to do at this moment to show the family how well I wasdoing, is I called my first cousin, mark, who lived in Pikesville,two hundred and ten miles from New York City, and I said,you know what, we want to invite you up for the weekend. You'llcome, you'll say, at our house. Well, I got tickets to whatat that time was the number one show on Broadway and it was calledequis. I don't know if anyone's ever seen it. If you have,don't tell me the ending because I haven't seen it yet, but it wasa very deep show. That's all I know about it. And I'm inthey I got the best seats in the house, the second row center,the Helen Hayes Theater, on Saturday night, debruary first, one thousand nine hundredand seventy six. So they come up, they come to our apartmentand Queens see the baby and get in my linking continental and we drive toRosso Steak House in midteme Manhattan, right around the corner from the theater.I parked the car. They told me retrospectively I wasn't acting quite right thatnight. Well, let me show you what quite night, not white craperight, quite right, looks like. So we go there, we parkedthe car and we won't have a beautiful Sumptuy was dinner and we walk aroundthe corner to the Hellena's second row center.

Please try to envision this. Ifyou can, I would tell you to close your eyes, but withme in the front, I wouldn't do it either. It's on thousand eighteenhundred people in within howe haven't many people are in a Broadway show and we'reright here in the front. From what I ren member and from what I'veread, Equiz is a very solemn show and it's about it's a one manshow, a psychiatrist who was Anthony Perkins. God rest is so and I nevergot a chance to make amends. Why would I own the men's I'llshare that with you in a minute. So and he's the psychiatrist that youhave the audience and is a horse on the stage. And that's really allI remember. I don't remember anything else except what the end of the show. And this is what happened. Somewhere in the middle of the first act, at a very quiet point of this very depressing, most of the peoplenot knowing what was happening show, Anthony Perkins asked the question of the audience. It was long time thereafter I found out it's what was known as arhetorical question. The problem was I hadn't gotten that memo. I come froma good family. They tell me somebody asked you a question, you answerit. So at this very quiet, solemn, somber point of this veryquiet solemn, somber show. Everybody the Otience is quiet. I stood upsecond row center Saturday night. Helen Hay stood now my voice projects and Iwent that's because my name is all at fraud. Well, here's what happened, sort of in sequential order. Anthony Perkins dropped his pipe. That wasnumber one. Number two, they told me. There's afterwards, my wifesitting here and my cousin mark on the other side of me, looked behindme what just happened. They knew I wasn't an under study in this show. So they have by very confused, and so they dragged me down,and I'm also convinced, honestly, got to nobody will ever tell me differently, that fifty percent of that theater thought I was in the show, becauseit would have made as much sense. Some more on jumps up from thesecond row screaming because the shell made no sense to begin with. So butI wasn't. So they grabbed me back down x amount of time later,but still in the first act. I did it again. So we wereasked to leave the theater. That's why I never saw the show anytime.To this day that it's showing on TV, somehow I miss it. I don'tthink God's ready for me to see it. They opened this development inBoca cold equies. People keep me away from it because, I mean,I have like some sort of a psychic break if yet we get home.So driving them in, they told me afterwards just imagine this, the ridehome. They wouldn't let me drive, which I finally let them take thekeys. It's obviously a very scary ride for the other three people. What'sgoing to happen? Now? We're in a call with this guy, youknow, Baba. So we get back to my beautiful apartment in Bayside.The BABYSITT of leaves of Babies Asleep and I go into bedroom and mark andarline was sleeping on this big sectional couch that I had in my living roomand at some point two, three, four in the morning I was sittingup in my bed, that Sharon told me afterwards, my wife I wasreading exoters, the big book. Exeter...

...is biblically oriented, and I jumpedout of bed and I went into the living room and I turned on thelights and I said get out your spies. I throw my cousins that had driventwo hundred and ten miles to see a show that they got thrown outof and I threw them out of my house in the middle of the nightin New York City. That I care where they were going. No,that I get a chance to make the amends and show the family how goodI was doing. No. And what happened is they left and went toone of our relatives in Brooklyn, because anyway. So what happened? Well, she was at a rough time. Now, I'm serious. Sometimes peoplewalk out. which what was it? You had me at the wine cools. The next morning they called my parents, they called her parents, you know, obviously to very concerned what the hell just happened? They take me, or send me, to this place called elmhurst General Hospital, which wasin queens and I was for the next twelve months of my life. FromFebruary first nineteen seventy six, not getting through all of them, to Februarynineteen seventy seven, I spent going from Mental Hospital to Mental Hospital in theGreat Metropolitan area, Elmhurst, hillside, creedmore, State Long Island, Jewish, I mean top bottom, in between didn't matter. By the time Iwas in Creedmore, which was the last mental hospital to this day. Thankyou God. I had already gotten shock treatments. I was didn't look likeI was coming back any time soon and but they kept visiting me. Andtwo years prior to that and I sort of breathed over. I didn't getto it. In seventy six, down at seventy s yeah, somewhere inseventy says they in the middle of it. I couldn't handle living anymore. I'ma happy guy. I was always a happy guy. I became dramaticallysuicidal, not socially suicidal, but dramatically suicidal, and I went to adoctor and I got a massive I got a prescription for back in the Sor s. It was this drug called tools and it was a heavy sleepmedication and I got a prescription for thirty of them. I didn't want tolive. I couldn't handle another day of life. Stop the Merry go round, let me get off this thing. And one time in one thousand ninehundred and seventy six, in the middle of all of these mental hospitals,I came home for an outpatient thing or whatever, and I took twenty sixof the thirty tels. Now Twenty six Turinols, and it's not talking aboutbecause I had a big tolerance. Twenty six of these pills would kill anytable here. It's not humanly possible that I'm even standing here, and that'strue. My wife came in and saw me. It didn't have the numberof the pills written on the prescription and then I passed out and she toldme after the fact. She called the vharmacy how many pills were in theprescription. He told her thirty. She called the ambulance. The ambulance came, they try to pump my stomach. They took me the Long Island Jewishhospital. I was in a comma of a six and a half day comma. On the third day of the Comma that took my parents and my wifeinto the consultation room and they said, look, I get tears when Ithink of this. Don't waste your time, the ten minutes every two hours thatyou're allowed to visit, because if he happens to live, he's goingto be a vegetable, so just accept right now that he's gone. It'llmake it easier for you. Three days after they made that rocket scientist announcementor decision, I came out of the...

Comma. Thank you. Got And, I was said, to another mental hospital, and this was an evenmore exclusive than any of the others. It was called Long Island, Jewishsix south. Somehow my dad threw some connections of whatever got me in.It was a celebrity place but very intimate in Long Island, and God steppedin back then, but I certainly didn't acknowledge it because, by the way, growing up I didn't know if I was an atheist or and agnostic,and I found out I was an ignoramus because I didn't accept any power greaterthan me at any point in my upbringing. And so I come out of thisComma, Oh, I'm prior to that I had been diagnosed as aparanoid schizophrenic, which I'm sure I am on some level. I'm this doctorwhen I come out of the commas. Then was Sammy, an Egyptian guy, as am I, and he says, he looks at me and he saysyou're not a paranoid schizophrenic, you're a manic depress it, and Idon't know how he came up with this, as I'm lying down with no closeon, but this was his determination from all of his degrees and hechanged my medication from for Z and Laville and that stuff to live them andthat new crew, and somehow I came out of it. I wanted tolive again, you know, like that Burt Reynolds movie. I want tolive, I want to know the mental eye. I done about Mental HossWi movie and six days later I was the president of the ward. Imean I was like doing the deal. Had A girlfriend, you know,we got busted, but choose cute. So that should have been the endof my progression. I mean, I'm almost dead, I'm declared dead.I've been arrested a bunch of times. I was at wood stock. Imean I didn't go, it's all it ad and here it is now,one thousand nine hundred and seventy seven. I get out of this, oneyear in mental hospitals and one month later, in June of one thousand nine hundredand seventy seven, I'm on the low rest site of Manhattan doing anasty whatever you're not supposed to be doing. So you can't scare somebody as tostop it, and I've tried it over the years. So if youhave somebody, a family member of someone coming into the rooms and they're goingdown the tubes and you tell them no, you know what's going to happen.Does it matter that they know? I don't know what's going to happen. You either. have hit that point of desperation, don't? You haven't, and if you haven't, I'm sorry to hear it. And if youhave, I hope you keep it, because my sponsor, God rest hissoul, I used to always speak of and tell me be grateful, youhave the gift of desperation, and it was many years after he was gonethat I realized the gift of desperation was geod. I don't even know ifhe knows that or knew that when he was telement to me, but Iwill tell you I know it. I've had four sponsors since some sober Russell'sright. My first meeting ever was narcotics, anonymous. I believe I was directedthere because the way I got to you people after my wife threw meout of New York and I came down here to my parents had a Condoand sunrise lakes and I read an article in the Miami Herald. I don'tknow why I bought the Miami Harold, but I know that in retrospect itwas God I was living in for a lood. There wasn't like I waschecking on my investments in the Harold. My investments were like I was onsocial security disability. By this time the government had declared me an official mentalpatient. You will never work again. This is one thousand nine hundred andseventy nine. I'm thirty years old, thirty one years old. I thumbingthrough the sections of the other of Miami Herald. I'm out at the pooland the headline of one of the sections says narcotics. Here I am.I'm a long way from home, but I'm going to read about narcotics andwhat it was. It was a story.

It was an interview with two sobermembers of alcoholics anonymous, and it was anonymously their stories and the reasonthey were being into. Dude, there was a brand new program that wasjust coming to south Florida called narcotics anonymous. Well barred from alcoholics anonymous. Itstarted in California fifty three, but it wasn't on the east coast ofthe country yet. So I read this article. It had a phone number. I call the pone number. Some guy comes and picks me up andtakes you to the first beating, which was in downtown full Lord of thefirst meeting ever and and Bravit County. And there was one in day calledthe bridge group. I mean know that was a Miami the new freedom groupwas in for Lord of do. I cut out the article. Couple dayslater I made the call. I had been to some very low places inNew York. The DESPERADO's that were in this meeting made the places I camefrom look like Mary Poppinsville. Sitting here it's a dark freaking room. Theygot two steps on the wall and I look around and I didn't belong that. Keep in mind I was not at a bottom, I was at atop. I'm now on disability insurance in one thousand nine hundred and seventy nine. I'm getting fourteen hundred and seven dollars a month tax free. That's likenot dead, living staid. I mean you know because how much money Ihad made and they factor it in. So we know, as you getinto your s of peak earning years, about I got got that for aquite old couple of years. It's a sobriety. So any nice I getup and if anybody can explain to me after this next story, which I'vehad a lot of stories since I'm sober, a lot of God instances, sinceI'm sober, a lot of experiences which cannot be described, since I'msober, and yet this one that I'm about to tell you still is themost dramatic for me and I can't explain it away. So if anybody hereafter we finished, which will be very soon, can tell me how thiswas anything other than God, please do. He is. I'm going to recreateyou what happened on this particular day, February twelve, Tuesday night, onethousand nine hundred and eighty. Curtis, who was sober three and a halfyears, took me to this meeting at the St Francis Mission Right nextto the Browd County Court House on Southeast six street. I'm sitting down,I said, it's a dark, Dank Room. I wasn't at a bottom. My bottom was in the s of the S or early sethings. I'mat it a mental hospitals. I'm not addicted to anything particularly, and soit's about eight twenty eight pm on Tuesday night, February twelve, nineteen eightyand I get up. I'm not to say this is stupid. So Iget up and I go to Curtis. Before the meeting started. It sawthirty. Say, Curtis, you know, I'm sorry. I bothered you.If I ever need you, I will call you again and I'll gethome on my own. Was Downtown, has some cash and I was goingto go out and continue your self destructing. He is the part that I can'tquite wrap my arms around. Maybe someone can help me after the meeting. Hatter, about eight twenty eight P M on Tuesday night, Febboy TwelfthNineteen Eighty, I'm walking out of the same franc susmission in Fort Lauderdale,Florida, at the exact minute, not a minute before and not a minutelater in Morks a guy from my block in Queens New York City. Hisarrests were in the paper just like mine. We were in the streets together inNew York City. We're from the same neighborhood, were from the sameschool and he's walking in as I'm leaving. I mean, I didn't say wow, what a coincidence. Thank you God for but I tell you.What I did do is we hugged in...

...the vestibule and somehow I ended upback in the meeting. Mark has passed sober three or four years ago frompancreatic cancer, but he was the direct vehicle for me to get this thingbecause I sat down on one of his silly tables, I got a cupof coffee and I looked up to the front of the room. Mark wasthe speaker that night. How do you do that? How do you dothat? And I listened to his story and I didn't have to listen towhat. I lived in with him. His arrest were in the paper justlike mine. He did sickest up as I did. But I'm going totell you when I paid attention, he sat in the front of that roomand he said, I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink ora drug for six months now. Mark, like myself, couldn't go six weeks, it's not possible. Couldn't go six days. The only time thatI ever refused a drink or a drug is if I'd misunderstood the question.I mean, I wasn't the kind of guy that ever said no thanks,I've had enough. About enough when you're stepping over me and I'm on theother than that, bring it on, and that's the way I play.So I picked up a white ship that night. By the grace of God, the mercy of this power, I haven't found it necessary to pick upanother one. And the reason I joke with Russell his sobriety day, whichI wrote down this morning. I have a book with everybody sobriety. Theydidn't, is January twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one.So Russell, from January twenty five until February twelve, has the same timeas I do, thirty nine years. However, at February twelve, Godwilling, I will have forty years and he will have to spend the nextalmost one year in the bleachers realizing that he has all this time to catchup. And I love Russell so my and we have totally opposing views ona million different things, but the one thing we have the exact same viewson is the sick and suffer'. That's why we here. If you're notgiven this thing away, your thief, I left. When I see Russellsends out, is like he thinks he's Elton drawn. He sends out tothe dates you know the Russell spats appearance dates and he drives an hour offour or five times a week because he loves hearing himself to it. Imean, why else would you do it? And yet he helps thousands and thousandsand thousands of people and that's what we have in common. And ifyou're not doing that or you're not doing it on some level, well thenyou don't have the same kind of sobriety that I would want. I've beengiving this gift to give it away, not to go and live on thein the coastal and and count my money or travel whatever. I do allthat stuff. But anyway, now not to talk about sponsorship would be adisservice to the sponsors that would preceded me and I've had, for my firstsponsor, Joe. He's still alive. He was in NA. I meanhe's in Aa now, but he got loaded after a period of time.He got the reason I asked her to be my sponsor is in sharing.He had scaws on his face and he shared that I got sobered tren stateprison and he says and and they offered me a method on program for anearly release. That's a heroin substitute, for those of you that don't knowwhat that is. And he says I told them to take the method onand give it to their mothers and their wives. I will not take anything, I'll do my time. So when he said that, I said tomyself, wow, there's a guy. I'm going to listen to it hetells me something, and so I asked it to be my sponsor. Thereason he didn't stay my sponsor for very...

...long is after ninety days. Bythe way, back then they said don't get involved in a relationship. Theyprobably still say it too. I don't think it says it anywhere in theliterature, but they say it whatever they want, and I'm one of theday today. So I got involved in a relationship early on in sobriety.And his other wrong with it. You get about the relationship is going toget you into the steps or get you outloaded, and so get into it. You might as well get the steps early, you know. So Ihad ninety days. This girl, Christine, God rest us. So she died. So she says, you know, why don't you move in with me? I'm in my boyfriend's Conn House on the intercoastal he's out on adrug run and when he's coming back you'll get out. Sounds like a greatidea to me. Let's do it. So now we and she were sothe same amount of Toun she was February one thousand nine hundred and eighty,February third, I'm February twelve. So we're going around to meet these Mrand Mrs Aa. It was thoughting and a mean it was very cool.One Sunday Joe Calls Me Up. He says, Paul, could you comeup it? He lived by the one on one. Could you come mybill? Let's talk for me. Sure, I think he's going to congratulate meon that. What good a a stuff I've doing ninety days been I'min this deal. I'm speaking them. So I go up to the house, I knock on the door. He was in the electrician business Mac thenand his truck is in the driveway. Says come on out for a minuteand he walks through his truck, reaches under the seat and pulls out ofthree hundred and fifty seven magnum and he puts it to my head and hesays, if you're not out of that house by the morning, I'm goingto blow your reth and brains out. and he puts the gun back ontothe now listen to me, two or three things happened at that minute.Number One, I did move out of the house. Number One, Inumber two, I realize the importance of getting another sponsor because I was notgoing to have a piece pulled on me every time I did something wrong.And number three, I have read all of the literature written in alcoholics aroundit. Nowhere does it say sponsor. Post piece on pitching doesn't say soI moved out. What was that? No, no, I don't know. It wasn't a bunch about. He knew that me and Christine were apowder head that was going to explode. Ninety days sober. It's like lookingfor a relationship with the depted Cave Nile of publics. I mean, whatare you going to do? We're really and she was as burnt out asI was. So so now I went and there was this other guy atthe one and one, really spiritual guy, and he was by sponsor for mostof my sobriety, Fred T, God rest his soul, and he'sgone twelve or fourteen years, but he was my guy. He we didthe steps together, we played God, we did everything together. Now,keep in mind when I first came into Aa I was living in the hood, in a in a one bedroom place or fifth avenue, but not thefifty have you, Fifty Avenue in Sunrise Boulevard, and it was the hood. So now I'm sober a year and a half and I'm getting I'm becominga part of life. I mean I'm involved in the Program A, sponsoringpeople. I even might add a job, and I'm living on the youth ofcoastal, the Bay Colony Club and Fort Water deal and my life isgetting better. What happens in AA? If you do this stuff, you'regoing to get this stuff. That's not why you do it, but it'sguaranteed. And well, I just had a moodaltering chemical. I see Ican do that. I'M gonna have to finish this quick when I don't wantit now, but I'm I'm at the finish the talk because I have allit is selfdiscipline. By the way,...

...along those lines, I got intoAA I was a hundred and forty five pounds, six foot one. Iwore a size thirty three. Waste. If the one year I picked upmy one year a day at the one on one club. I was twohundred and fifteen pounds. And I was saying that from the podium because allI was it was going to meet the cheeseburgers because, and jess very whatelse do you do? So so I said that from a podium and someold timer in the back stood up as a hey schmuck. No one evergot arrest of a driving while fat. Now sit down and I'm going toclose up with two little quick things, one of which I forgot, oneof which I didn't get to the importance of that February twelve, one thousandnine hundred and eighty night with Mark Freedman. Please put these pieces of the puzzletogether for me. To Jewish alcoholic heroin addicts from Queens New York City, in a Lutheran Ministry in Fort Water Dell, Florida, one of themis going out to continue the destruction of his life at the exact minute,with God's perfect timing, that the other one is walking in and telling youdon't have to. How does that happen? It can't be anything other than thispower with the enormous to bind everything. At his time and that was bytime. And now to get to the Fred teapotter sponsorship. So Joewas out. I'm not doing this with guns to my head. I meanI did that in New York. I don't need to do it you.I'm trying to get better. So I go to friend and I said,Fred, I need a sponsor. Sure, okay, here's what I want youto do. Call me every day at thirty. Just tell me whereyou've been and where you're going. And, by the way, we didn't havecell phones. It was pay phones. I didn't even have a house phone. They had households. I didn't have one of those. I hada pay phone outside of my apartment and I would call him up by Iwent to the ten am at the one on one. I'm going to thethirty or was starting to meeting whatever. A year and a half sober,I'm at the I'm walking into the one and one and I'm becoming a partof society. People are getting to know me. Like you know that moviecheers. Everybody likes to go to a place where where everyone knows their name. Well, that was starting to happen in a good way, not ina bad way, and I went up to Fred Tea with a home group. Was The Sunday morning eleven am meeting at the one on one club andI go over to him one morning. We always got to meet. He'svery early and it was ten or ten thirty and room was pretty empty asthat. Fred I have a resentment. That's a word we learned in here, by the way. And he says really, and he was like thisreal, you know, he had a bad story. Buddy. Somehow wasnow sober. He got sober and seventy five and and he's looking and heturns around says you, what's that? They had these little horn room glasses, you know, like that. And I say, Fred You told meto call you every day at thirty and I done it. I haven't missedone day. And you know what the resentment he said was that you haven'tcalled me once. This is what Fred t said. Without thinking, automaticresponse. He turned around and he looked at me and said, you knowwhat, Paul, as soon as you have something I want, I'll besure to give you a call. And he walked out. Now, ifyou do that to someone today, they called General Service on you. Youknow, my sponsor get to me with my inner child, of my attchild and my feelings, that my emotion. Thank God for the tough love ofgood sponsorship. My next sponsor after I crashed the burn was Ray Allen, who sponsored, by the way, not the pull rank, was BillWilson in New York City. And in honoring Ray, I didn't bring mybig book because I'm not driving to it's in my trunk. That signed byBill to ray raised sobriety date was watched...

...twenty three, one thousand nineteen fiftysix, and the book is dated something one nineteen sixty one, because atfive years ray was the chair person of Bill's gratitude dinner in New York City. And what I did do to honor Rey was when ray had forty years, in one thousand nine hundred and ninety six, I took up a collectionof all of his pigeons to buy him a watch. Now, had Iknown that I was going to end up with the watch, I would havegotten a gold one because I never wear there's because it's sober and I don'tlike silver. So on the back of this watch it says what Ray saidat every meeting. Play the daily double, don't drink and go to Trug,don't drug and go to meetings. And raid died after having forty years. And I'm going to tell you something. He also said to me. Agrateful alcoholic won't drink. And I promise you, I promise you,if you get grateful and stay grateful, or act grateful and write a gratitudelist and give this thing away, you're going to have a life that secondto none in the less they I'm going to say. Ray would always saywe give to get, and the more we give, the more we get, and what we try to keep to ourselves we lose, for it's inthe giving that it reproduces, and when we die we take with us onlythat which we have given away. Reds raised dead almost fifteen years. I'dsay that every day at a meeting. Thanks for listening. Okay, Oh, Hey,.

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