AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 8 · 2 years ago

Paul E - God Shots @ South Dixie Group Jan 2020

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

I remember this group. I'm muscle program chairman for this year, so I chose the first speaker. Jim came up to I want you to know this isn't the usual format. He said from now on we're would like to maybe change the format. So you introduced the speaker, so don't attack me at the business meeting afterwards. It's wasn't my call. I'll throw JIM under the bus. It's his fault. I know one of the Carson rules, I was told many years ago, and alcoholics anonymous, is never say anything bad about a an a speaker if he's going to speak after you, which obviously finds me speechless at this point. And but luckily the speaker, who I've known for many, many years, have done many meetings with them, join meetings, sent me a script as to what to say about them and I'll just sort of follow that script. Let me explain. Some of you, there are some alcoholics anonymous speakers that are so highly spiritually developed, so incredibly spiritually developed, that no matter how much you deprecate them, no matter how much you make fun of them, no matter what what you say about them that may hurt their feelings. There at such a spiritual level that they would never reciprocate or retaliate in any way whatsoever because they never take anything personally and they're just and all they do is exude love. Unfortunately, our speakers not one of those people. So I'm going to He'd be disappointed if I didn't do that. He's going to tell you that he has more time than me because he calls me we happen to be are we at the place now where we have the same amount of time? Another way, every are he calls me up to say I just want you to congratulate you because for a brief period of time you have the same amount of time as me. But he reminds me that he has like nine months or eleven months more than me and and but of course I don't know what he'll share this, but he initially came to Na, so you got to do the conversion. So it really has maybe five years. But in any event, I want to welcome he's a wonderful, wonderful I'll tell you one thing. He'll help a drunk whatever he has to do to go wherever we has to go to helping alcoholic. So I don't want to take up any more of his time. Help me. Welcome Paul E. Have a little cold. We're gonna get weight pass then I'm a grateful recovering alcoholic. My name is Paulie Russell. These are at all notes about you. These are just little things that I have to copy out today because I was thinking about it. I was leaving the House and we say, away from politics of this program. But I got sober and this is what's going on now. Made me think of this. During the Iranian hostage crush and my sobriety date, I would chronicle bye. If you remember, they used to new and the news every night days, seventy six of the Iranian hostage crisis. Well, I got sober somewhere right in that time, friend, and quite frankly, out of how selfish I am, I was a little pissed when they were released because I didn't get anyone counting my sobriety. And Anyway, if you have a hearing problem from New York City, and my life's been blessed, and all of our lives have been blessed, just that we don't always feel that. I happen to be feeling it today. I'm tell you a little bit about my experience, my strength and my enormous amount of hope. There's a real good feeling in this room. For whatever reason, it just probably because a lot of sobriety, of people that really give away stuff. So the one thing, you know, we've never been to this place. You and I was telling Michael, one of my one of the New People in our lives, that that's coming around and getting the deal the way I got it. And this guy, Kenny Kine, was one of my mentors and for Lord of the never my sponsor, but one of my mentors, and he died within the last year and we spent a lot of time together going to meetings. He worked for me and for a while and and he used to say, Paul, if...

...you want to get to some place on time, you get up early and you leave early and you get there early, which is why I very rarely have been late for a commitment. And alcoholis anonymous. Today we had a time that Michael was going to meet me at the one on one and I was going to leave my cart. I was ten minutes late. Then we came down here and we got a little lost and we would ten minutes for our re late, but obviously we left enough buff the time that we would stilly at ten minutes early. So it's a little secret. That's worked for me and it is taking a lot of the stress out of my life. As far as when you come up against an intercoastal bridge or a railroad trade and you see people look at Oh my God, you know they all have you don't have to be there, you don't have to let that happen. I'm a product of the S to an in turn on and drop out and man, I played the hand out. It's amazing to me, I got to tell you, and it's only that I'm sober long enough to realize the power of the power and that, by the grace of this unconditionally loving God, he chose not to let me die, even when I tried to kill myself. So I don't know where those cards or hands are stacked up. I get I probably never will, but people that were much nicer than me, that did a lot less than me, and I didn't, which simply tells me that my mission on earth isn't finished. You know, it was this all book that I read by the author of Jonathan Libbys Seagull and Richard Bach and it's called the illusions and it's just a bunch of little snippets and little quotes, and one of the snippets it says, how do you know if your mission on Earth is finished? And the answer is if you're alive. It is it, and I never forgot that. Probably read that thirty five years ago. Anyway, I got in a lot of trouble in New York. Doesn't matter. I did a lot of alcohol at a lot of drugs, and that doesn't matter. What really does matter as I was blessed and graced to be delivered, however, I got here to the doors of alcoholics anonymous, and to find the group of loving people that we're going to go so far above and beyond and out of their way to rescue me from the Dung heap of life and to give me a life like I have today. And, by the way, I have coming out of a semi major depression of the last year or two, just like our co founder had. Okay, I still did what I did. Had to go to me, I still did have some one peep. I know what works. You know if you don't go to meetings, you're going to have a tough time being loved back to life, and so I keep going to meetings, but it was tough at it passed within the last month. But what's happened is I'm more on fire today because of it having bears and my blessings are returned and I'm realizing it. You know, if you knew where you're coming back, welcome home. You're off the hook, and that's what was told to me a long, long time ago in the S and S. I'm just going to give a bullet point encapsulation, and I love people say I'm not going to get into a drunken log and forty five minutes later, still in high school. That's not that's not going to be what's going to happen, I promise you. But I'm going to share in a general way what used to be like, at what happened and what it's like today. So I'm from Queens in New York City and I was born in one thousand nine hundred and forty eight, which means, like the song by Jackson Brown goes, in...

...sixty five, I was seventeen and it's sixteen nine. I was twenty one. It's always running on empty and that's just by age, by seventeen, I was already a major set up for this disease. I was at some point in the beginning of the middle of beginning of it and my boundaries were none. I'm a very smart guy's remember I saw something online today as I was leaving the house about all presidents IQ or something. I didn't read really that's the lead story. And I had a very high Iq and somehow it carried me through to keep me in school a little longer than I probably should have. But then my actions went way over any amount of IQ Wa protection level. And back in the New York, I don't know if they had it down here, they had this thing when I went to school called the SPS, and I think that was the word. Just a personal opinion, the worst thing that they ever did for the smart people. You skip from seven to ninth grade. Now that's it. A very, very emotionally sensitive and and I believe today that was a big contributory factor to my progression of my disease. All I had to do was look at the pictures in my yearbook. I was already a year because of my birthday in April. A year behind that. Oh, younger than most of the people. Now I skip from seven to ninth grade, so I basically two years behind. Now let me tell you something. You can look at the pictures in my yearbook. I'm still this short, fat kid, but I'm now wearing leather gloves at a muscle shirt because I'm scared. I'm petrified. Everybody's towering over me. I am going to school. I'm petrified. I but I got to let you know that I'm not or make believe to let you go on that. So I think that was I don't know if they still do it, but if I thought of it I would probably have them stop it, or tried to. So, if the five or six arrest if the five was six mental hospitals, over which my friend gasped, for God love him, used to like to say houses for the very, very nervous, and really today they're called treatment centers, but back in the s they were mental hospitals and the only difference of thirty or FORTYZERO dollars a month. So and it's a progressive disease. So I progressed from the high end ones hillside general hospital, where they used to say the advertisers Advertising The New York Times magazine section and he said let your parents and your families stroll all luscious grounds and watch you make your leather belts. And it was his real enormous acreage. I mean hillside general. You know you've been there, were you, my roommate? Come on now and then, due to the progressive nature of the disease, just as my felony arrests came after my misdemeanor arrests, the State Mental Hospital came after Hillside General Hospital, with a few in between. My last residence in New York, in one thousand nine hundred and seventy seven, was creedmore state hospital. Now, if you've never been to New York, let me just share with you this is a place. When you're a kid and you're on the way to the beach, your parents point it's his real imposing structure off the Grand Central Parkway and they say, you don't straight now, you're going to end up it. I'm the only one that did, and I in there. I had my own rocking chair and I was drooling because...

...that's what you did, and I was watching a television that didn't work and I had this glassy I'd what we call fords and stare I'm right there right now. Okay, it doesn't take that long for me to go back into costume. No one thousand nine hundred and seventy six and from in the S I was a functional and the early Seventis Functional Alcoholic Addict. I was a national sales manager of a Home Improvement Company. I was making a lot of money and somewhere in the mid S I began having a little bit of a detachment from reality, a little bit. I was I got married in seventy two for the first time, not to be confused with the second time, certainly not to miss the third time, but that's a whole other story. We only have an hour so we don't Mandy to get to those stories, but I feel sorry for every one of my wives. So I get married in seventy two and I'm working at there, making a lot of money, and somewhere in around seventy four or seventy four I I took another step away from reality. I don't know how, I'm just looking back on it, and I began to go to a psychiatrist or therapist and I kept progressing even further and then I ended up on February first nineteen seventy three. Certain dates that will never leave my mind. Okay, this is one of them. February first, nineteen seventy six. Anybody ever been to a Broadway show on Broadway? Okay, well, this is my Broadway experience. You may have not a gotten your start on Broadway. I did. Here we go, February first, one nineteen seventy six. I had decided I was my life was getting in order, I was making money, I was married, I had a two year old daughter and everything was got. Was Living at a beautiful place of Bayside, Queen's, driving a luxury Lincoln Continental. So my whole family, most of them, had moved to Pikesville, Maryland, and I didn't have a big family, but I was certainly the black sheet of it. And what I decided that I wanted to do at this moment to show the family how well I was doing, is I called my first cousin, mark, who lived in Pikesville, two hundred and ten miles from New York City, and I said, you know what, we want to invite you up for the weekend. You'll come, you'll say, at our house. Well, I got tickets to what at that time was the number one show on Broadway and it was called equis. I don't know if anyone's ever seen it. If you have, don't tell me the ending because I haven't seen it yet, but it was a very deep show. That's all I know about it. And I'm in they I got the best seats in the house, the second row center, the Helen Hayes Theater, on Saturday night, debruary first, one thousand nine hundred and seventy six. So they come up, they come to our apartment and Queens see the baby and get in my linking continental and we drive to Rosso Steak House in midteme Manhattan, right around the corner from the theater. I parked the car. They told me retrospectively I wasn't acting quite right that night. Well, let me show you what quite night, not white crape right, quite right, looks like. So we go there, we parked the car and we won't have a beautiful Sumptuy was dinner and we walk around the corner to the Hellena's second row center.

Please try to envision this. If you can, I would tell you to close your eyes, but with me in the front, I wouldn't do it either. It's on thousand eighteen hundred people in within howe haven't many people are in a Broadway show and we're right here in the front. From what I ren member and from what I've read, Equiz is a very solemn show and it's about it's a one man show, a psychiatrist who was Anthony Perkins. God rest is so and I never got a chance to make amends. Why would I own the men's I'll share that with you in a minute. So and he's the psychiatrist that you have the audience and is a horse on the stage. And that's really all I remember. I don't remember anything else except what the end of the show. And this is what happened. Somewhere in the middle of the first act, at a very quiet point of this very depressing, most of the people not knowing what was happening show, Anthony Perkins asked the question of the audience. It was long time thereafter I found out it's what was known as a rhetorical question. The problem was I hadn't gotten that memo. I come from a good family. They tell me somebody asked you a question, you answer it. So at this very quiet, solemn, somber point of this very quiet solemn, somber show. Everybody the Otience is quiet. I stood up second row center Saturday night. Helen Hay stood now my voice projects and I went that's because my name is all at fraud. Well, here's what happened, sort of in sequential order. Anthony Perkins dropped his pipe. That was number one. Number two, they told me. There's afterwards, my wife sitting here and my cousin mark on the other side of me, looked behind me what just happened. They knew I wasn't an under study in this show. So they have by very confused, and so they dragged me down, and I'm also convinced, honestly, got to nobody will ever tell me differently, that fifty percent of that theater thought I was in the show, because it would have made as much sense. Some more on jumps up from the second row screaming because the shell made no sense to begin with. So but I wasn't. So they grabbed me back down x amount of time later, but still in the first act. I did it again. So we were asked to leave the theater. That's why I never saw the show anytime. To this day that it's showing on TV, somehow I miss it. I don't think God's ready for me to see it. They opened this development in Boca cold equies. People keep me away from it because, I mean, I have like some sort of a psychic break if yet we get home. So driving them in, they told me afterwards just imagine this, the ride home. They wouldn't let me drive, which I finally let them take the keys. It's obviously a very scary ride for the other three people. What's going to happen? Now? We're in a call with this guy, you know, Baba. So we get back to my beautiful apartment in Bayside. The BABYSITT of leaves of Babies Asleep and I go into bedroom and mark and arline was sleeping on this big sectional couch that I had in my living room and at some point two, three, four in the morning I was sitting up in my bed, that Sharon told me afterwards, my wife I was reading exoters, the big book. Exeter...

...is biblically oriented, and I jumped out of bed and I went into the living room and I turned on the lights and I said get out your spies. I throw my cousins that had driven two hundred and ten miles to see a show that they got thrown out of and I threw them out of my house in the middle of the night in New York City. That I care where they were going. No, that I get a chance to make the amends and show the family how good I was doing. No. And what happened is they left and went to one of our relatives in Brooklyn, because anyway. So what happened? Well, she was at a rough time. Now, I'm serious. Sometimes people walk out. which what was it? You had me at the wine cools. The next morning they called my parents, they called her parents, you know, obviously to very concerned what the hell just happened? They take me, or send me, to this place called elmhurst General Hospital, which was in queens and I was for the next twelve months of my life. From February first nineteen seventy six, not getting through all of them, to February nineteen seventy seven, I spent going from Mental Hospital to Mental Hospital in the Great Metropolitan area, Elmhurst, hillside, creedmore, State Long Island, Jewish, I mean top bottom, in between didn't matter. By the time I was in Creedmore, which was the last mental hospital to this day. Thank you God. I had already gotten shock treatments. I was didn't look like I was coming back any time soon and but they kept visiting me. And two years prior to that and I sort of breathed over. I didn't get to it. In seventy six, down at seventy s yeah, somewhere in seventy says they in the middle of it. I couldn't handle living anymore. I'm a happy guy. I was always a happy guy. I became dramatically suicidal, not socially suicidal, but dramatically suicidal, and I went to a doctor and I got a massive I got a prescription for back in the S or s. It was this drug called tools and it was a heavy sleep medication and I got a prescription for thirty of them. I didn't want to live. I couldn't handle another day of life. Stop the Merry go round, let me get off this thing. And one time in one thousand nine hundred and seventy six, in the middle of all of these mental hospitals, I came home for an outpatient thing or whatever, and I took twenty six of the thirty tels. Now Twenty six Turinols, and it's not talking about because I had a big tolerance. Twenty six of these pills would kill any table here. It's not humanly possible that I'm even standing here, and that's true. My wife came in and saw me. It didn't have the number of the pills written on the prescription and then I passed out and she told me after the fact. She called the vharmacy how many pills were in the prescription. He told her thirty. She called the ambulance. The ambulance came, they try to pump my stomach. They took me the Long Island Jewish hospital. I was in a comma of a six and a half day comma. On the third day of the Comma that took my parents and my wife into the consultation room and they said, look, I get tears when I think of this. Don't waste your time, the ten minutes every two hours that you're allowed to visit, because if he happens to live, he's going to be a vegetable, so just accept right now that he's gone. It'll make it easier for you. Three days after they made that rocket scientist announcement or decision, I came out of the...

Comma. Thank you. Got And, I was said, to another mental hospital, and this was an even more exclusive than any of the others. It was called Long Island, Jewish six south. Somehow my dad threw some connections of whatever got me in. It was a celebrity place but very intimate in Long Island, and God stepped in back then, but I certainly didn't acknowledge it because, by the way, growing up I didn't know if I was an atheist or and agnostic, and I found out I was an ignoramus because I didn't accept any power greater than me at any point in my upbringing. And so I come out of this Comma, Oh, I'm prior to that I had been diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic, which I'm sure I am on some level. I'm this doctor when I come out of the commas. Then was Sammy, an Egyptian guy, as am I, and he says, he looks at me and he says you're not a paranoid schizophrenic, you're a manic depress it, and I don't know how he came up with this, as I'm lying down with no close on, but this was his determination from all of his degrees and he changed my medication from for Z and Laville and that stuff to live them and that new crew, and somehow I came out of it. I wanted to live again, you know, like that Burt Reynolds movie. I want to live, I want to know the mental eye. I done about Mental Hoss Wi movie and six days later I was the president of the ward. I mean I was like doing the deal. Had A girlfriend, you know, we got busted, but choose cute. So that should have been the end of my progression. I mean, I'm almost dead, I'm declared dead. I've been arrested a bunch of times. I was at wood stock. I mean I didn't go, it's all it ad and here it is now, one thousand nine hundred and seventy seven. I get out of this, one year in mental hospitals and one month later, in June of one thousand nine hundred and seventy seven, I'm on the low rest site of Manhattan doing a nasty whatever you're not supposed to be doing. So you can't scare somebody as to stop it, and I've tried it over the years. So if you have somebody, a family member of someone coming into the rooms and they're going down the tubes and you tell them no, you know what's going to happen. Does it matter that they know? I don't know what's going to happen. You either. have hit that point of desperation, don't? You haven't, and if you haven't, I'm sorry to hear it. And if you have, I hope you keep it, because my sponsor, God rest his soul, I used to always speak of and tell me be grateful, you have the gift of desperation, and it was many years after he was gone that I realized the gift of desperation was geod. I don't even know if he knows that or knew that when he was telement to me, but I will tell you I know it. I've had four sponsors since some sober Russell's right. My first meeting ever was narcotics, anonymous. I believe I was directed there because the way I got to you people after my wife threw me out of New York and I came down here to my parents had a Condo and sunrise lakes and I read an article in the Miami Herald. I don't know why I bought the Miami Harold, but I know that in retrospect it was God I was living in for a lood. There wasn't like I was checking on my investments in the Harold. My investments were like I was on social security disability. By this time the government had declared me an official mental patient. You will never work again. This is one thousand nine hundred and seventy nine. I'm thirty years old, thirty one years old. I thumbing through the sections of the other of Miami Herald. I'm out at the pool and the headline of one of the sections says narcotics. Here I am. I'm a long way from home, but I'm going to read about narcotics and what it was. It was a story.

It was an interview with two sober members of alcoholics anonymous, and it was anonymously their stories and the reason they were being into. Dude, there was a brand new program that was just coming to south Florida called narcotics anonymous. Well barred from alcoholics anonymous. It started in California fifty three, but it wasn't on the east coast of the country yet. So I read this article. It had a phone number. I call the pone number. Some guy comes and picks me up and takes you to the first beating, which was in downtown full Lord of the first meeting ever and and Bravit County. And there was one in day called the bridge group. I mean know that was a Miami the new freedom group was in for Lord of do. I cut out the article. Couple days later I made the call. I had been to some very low places in New York. The DESPERADO's that were in this meeting made the places I came from look like Mary Poppinsville. Sitting here it's a dark freaking room. They got two steps on the wall and I look around and I didn't belong that. Keep in mind I was not at a bottom, I was at a top. I'm now on disability insurance in one thousand nine hundred and seventy nine. I'm getting fourteen hundred and seven dollars a month tax free. That's like not dead, living staid. I mean you know because how much money I had made and they factor it in. So we know, as you get into your s of peak earning years, about I got got that for a quite old couple of years. It's a sobriety. So any nice I get up and if anybody can explain to me after this next story, which I've had a lot of stories since I'm sober, a lot of God instances, since I'm sober, a lot of experiences which cannot be described, since I'm sober, and yet this one that I'm about to tell you still is the most dramatic for me and I can't explain it away. So if anybody here after we finished, which will be very soon, can tell me how this was anything other than God, please do. He is. I'm going to recreate you what happened on this particular day, February twelve, Tuesday night, one thousand nine hundred and eighty. Curtis, who was sober three and a half years, took me to this meeting at the St Francis Mission Right next to the Browd County Court House on Southeast six street. I'm sitting down, I said, it's a dark, Dank Room. I wasn't at a bottom. My bottom was in the s of the S or early sethings. I'm at it a mental hospitals. I'm not addicted to anything particularly, and so it's about eight twenty eight pm on Tuesday night, February twelve, nineteen eighty and I get up. I'm not to say this is stupid. So I get up and I go to Curtis. Before the meeting started. It saw thirty. Say, Curtis, you know, I'm sorry. I bothered you. If I ever need you, I will call you again and I'll get home on my own. Was Downtown, has some cash and I was going to go out and continue your self destructing. He is the part that I can't quite wrap my arms around. Maybe someone can help me after the meeting. Hatter, about eight twenty eight P M on Tuesday night, Febboy Twelfth Nineteen Eighty, I'm walking out of the same franc susmission in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, at the exact minute, not a minute before and not a minute later in Morks a guy from my block in Queens New York City. His arrests were in the paper just like mine. We were in the streets together in New York City. We're from the same neighborhood, were from the same school and he's walking in as I'm leaving. I mean, I didn't say wow, what a coincidence. Thank you God for but I tell you. What I did do is we hugged in...

...the vestibule and somehow I ended up back in the meeting. Mark has passed sober three or four years ago from pancreatic cancer, but he was the direct vehicle for me to get this thing because I sat down on one of his silly tables, I got a cup of coffee and I looked up to the front of the room. Mark was the speaker that night. How do you do that? How do you do that? And I listened to his story and I didn't have to listen to what. I lived in with him. His arrest were in the paper just like mine. He did sickest up as I did. But I'm going to tell you when I paid attention, he sat in the front of that room and he said, I haven't found it necessary to pick up a drink or a drug for six months now. Mark, like myself, couldn't go six weeks, it's not possible. Couldn't go six days. The only time that I ever refused a drink or a drug is if I'd misunderstood the question. I mean, I wasn't the kind of guy that ever said no thanks, I've had enough. About enough when you're stepping over me and I'm on the other than that, bring it on, and that's the way I play. So I picked up a white ship that night. By the grace of God, the mercy of this power, I haven't found it necessary to pick up another one. And the reason I joke with Russell his sobriety day, which I wrote down this morning. I have a book with everybody sobriety. They didn't, is January twenty five, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. So Russell, from January twenty five until February twelve, has the same time as I do, thirty nine years. However, at February twelve, God willing, I will have forty years and he will have to spend the next almost one year in the bleachers realizing that he has all this time to catch up. And I love Russell so my and we have totally opposing views on a million different things, but the one thing we have the exact same views on is the sick and suffer'. That's why we here. If you're not given this thing away, your thief, I left. When I see Russell sends out, is like he thinks he's Elton drawn. He sends out to the dates you know the Russell spats appearance dates and he drives an hour of four or five times a week because he loves hearing himself to it. I mean, why else would you do it? And yet he helps thousands and thousands and thousands of people and that's what we have in common. And if you're not doing that or you're not doing it on some level, well then you don't have the same kind of sobriety that I would want. I've been giving this gift to give it away, not to go and live on the in the coastal and and count my money or travel whatever. I do all that stuff. But anyway, now not to talk about sponsorship would be a disservice to the sponsors that would preceded me and I've had, for my first sponsor, Joe. He's still alive. He was in NA. I mean he's in Aa now, but he got loaded after a period of time. He got the reason I asked her to be my sponsor is in sharing. He had scaws on his face and he shared that I got sobered tren state prison and he says and and they offered me a method on program for an early release. That's a heroin substitute, for those of you that don't know what that is. And he says I told them to take the method on and give it to their mothers and their wives. I will not take anything, I'll do my time. So when he said that, I said to myself, wow, there's a guy. I'm going to listen to it he tells me something, and so I asked it to be my sponsor. The reason he didn't stay my sponsor for very...

...long is after ninety days. By the way, back then they said don't get involved in a relationship. They probably still say it too. I don't think it says it anywhere in the literature, but they say it whatever they want, and I'm one of the day today. So I got involved in a relationship early on in sobriety. And his other wrong with it. You get about the relationship is going to get you into the steps or get you outloaded, and so get into it. You might as well get the steps early, you know. So I had ninety days. This girl, Christine, God rest us. So she died. So she says, you know, why don't you move in with me? I'm in my boyfriend's Conn House on the intercoastal he's out on a drug run and when he's coming back you'll get out. Sounds like a great idea to me. Let's do it. So now we and she were so the same amount of Toun she was February one thousand nine hundred and eighty, February third, I'm February twelve. So we're going around to meet these Mr and Mrs Aa. It was thoughting and a mean it was very cool. One Sunday Joe Calls Me Up. He says, Paul, could you come up it? He lived by the one on one. Could you come my bill? Let's talk for me. Sure, I think he's going to congratulate me on that. What good a a stuff I've doing ninety days been I'm in this deal. I'm speaking them. So I go up to the house, I knock on the door. He was in the electrician business Mac then and his truck is in the driveway. Says come on out for a minute and he walks through his truck, reaches under the seat and pulls out of three hundred and fifty seven magnum and he puts it to my head and he says, if you're not out of that house by the morning, I'm going to blow your reth and brains out. and he puts the gun back onto the now listen to me, two or three things happened at that minute. Number One, I did move out of the house. Number One, I number two, I realize the importance of getting another sponsor because I was not going to have a piece pulled on me every time I did something wrong. And number three, I have read all of the literature written in alcoholics around it. Nowhere does it say sponsor. Post piece on pitching doesn't say so I moved out. What was that? No, no, I don't know. It wasn't a bunch about. He knew that me and Christine were a powder head that was going to explode. Ninety days sober. It's like looking for a relationship with the depted Cave Nile of publics. I mean, what are you going to do? We're really and she was as burnt out as I was. So so now I went and there was this other guy at the one and one, really spiritual guy, and he was by sponsor for most of my sobriety, Fred T, God rest his soul, and he's gone twelve or fourteen years, but he was my guy. He we did the steps together, we played God, we did everything together. Now, keep in mind when I first came into Aa I was living in the hood, in a in a one bedroom place or fifth avenue, but not the fifty have you, Fifty Avenue in Sunrise Boulevard, and it was the hood. So now I'm sober a year and a half and I'm getting I'm becoming a part of life. I mean I'm involved in the Program A, sponsoring people. I even might add a job, and I'm living on the youth of coastal, the Bay Colony Club and Fort Water deal and my life is getting better. What happens in AA? If you do this stuff, you're going to get this stuff. That's not why you do it, but it's guaranteed. And well, I just had a moodaltering chemical. I see I can do that. I'M gonna have to finish this quick when I don't want it now, but I'm I'm at the finish the talk because I have all it is selfdiscipline. By the way,...

...along those lines, I got into AA I was a hundred and forty five pounds, six foot one. I wore a size thirty three. Waste. If the one year I picked up my one year a day at the one on one club. I was two hundred and fifteen pounds. And I was saying that from the podium because all I was it was going to meet the cheeseburgers because, and jess very what else do you do? So so I said that from a podium and some old timer in the back stood up as a hey schmuck. No one ever got arrest of a driving while fat. Now sit down and I'm going to close up with two little quick things, one of which I forgot, one of which I didn't get to the importance of that February twelve, one thousand nine hundred and eighty night with Mark Freedman. Please put these pieces of the puzzle together for me. To Jewish alcoholic heroin addicts from Queens New York City, in a Lutheran Ministry in Fort Water Dell, Florida, one of them is going out to continue the destruction of his life at the exact minute, with God's perfect timing, that the other one is walking in and telling you don't have to. How does that happen? It can't be anything other than this power with the enormous to bind everything. At his time and that was by time. And now to get to the Fred teapotter sponsorship. So Joe was out. I'm not doing this with guns to my head. I mean I did that in New York. I don't need to do it you. I'm trying to get better. So I go to friend and I said, Fred, I need a sponsor. Sure, okay, here's what I want you to do. Call me every day at thirty. Just tell me where you've been and where you're going. And, by the way, we didn't have cell phones. It was pay phones. I didn't even have a house phone. They had households. I didn't have one of those. I had a pay phone outside of my apartment and I would call him up by I went to the ten am at the one on one. I'm going to the thirty or was starting to meeting whatever. A year and a half sober, I'm at the I'm walking into the one and one and I'm becoming a part of society. People are getting to know me. Like you know that movie cheers. Everybody likes to go to a place where where everyone knows their name. Well, that was starting to happen in a good way, not in a bad way, and I went up to Fred Tea with a home group. Was The Sunday morning eleven am meeting at the one on one club and I go over to him one morning. We always got to meet. He's very early and it was ten or ten thirty and room was pretty empty as that. Fred I have a resentment. That's a word we learned in here, by the way. And he says really, and he was like this real, you know, he had a bad story. Buddy. Somehow was now sober. He got sober and seventy five and and he's looking and he turns around says you, what's that? They had these little horn room glasses, you know, like that. And I say, Fred You told me to call you every day at thirty and I done it. I haven't missed one day. And you know what the resentment he said was that you haven't called me once. This is what Fred t said. Without thinking, automatic response. He turned around and he looked at me and said, you know what, Paul, as soon as you have something I want, I'll be sure to give you a call. And he walked out. Now, if you do that to someone today, they called General Service on you. You know, my sponsor get to me with my inner child, of my att child and my feelings, that my emotion. Thank God for the tough love of good sponsorship. My next sponsor after I crashed the burn was Ray Allen, who sponsored, by the way, not the pull rank, was Bill Wilson in New York City. And in honoring Ray, I didn't bring my big book because I'm not driving to it's in my trunk. That signed by Bill to ray raised sobriety date was watched...

...twenty three, one thousand nineteen fifty six, and the book is dated something one nineteen sixty one, because at five years ray was the chair person of Bill's gratitude dinner in New York City. And what I did do to honor Rey was when ray had forty years, in one thousand nine hundred and ninety six, I took up a collection of all of his pigeons to buy him a watch. Now, had I known that I was going to end up with the watch, I would have gotten a gold one because I never wear there's because it's sober and I don't like silver. So on the back of this watch it says what Ray said at every meeting. Play the daily double, don't drink and go to Trug, don't drug and go to meetings. And raid died after having forty years. And I'm going to tell you something. He also said to me. A grateful alcoholic won't drink. And I promise you, I promise you, if you get grateful and stay grateful, or act grateful and write a gratitude list and give this thing away, you're going to have a life that second to none in the less they I'm going to say. Ray would always say we give to get, and the more we give, the more we get, and what we try to keep to ourselves we lose, for it's in the giving that it reproduces, and when we die we take with us only that which we have given away. Reds raised dead almost fifteen years. I'd say that every day at a meeting. Thanks for listening. Okay, Oh, Hey,.

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