AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode 140 · 2 months ago

Stevie B. Step 2 at Life Is Good Group 11/10/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Step 2 from Stevie B. Step Series at the Life Is Good Group, Boca Raton, FL started November 2022.

Recovered alcoholic and a member of the Golden Text Group of Hollywood Floor Area. Good to be here with you guys today. This is such a great energy in here tonight, isn't there? It's fantastic. What happened? What happened? Okay, beautiful, beautiful? Hi Mom, everybody say hi Marie. My mom is watching from Long All in New York, and uh, it's so great to see her. I don't think my wife's on there. Where do you see my wife? No, my wife's not. Wow. I'm really excited to be here with you guys tonight. I'm excited to be in a meeting of alcoholics anonymous where I can tell there's a lot of God conscious people. And I'm also excited because I know that there's people that are coming in here that are not God excited yet. And I think a meeting like this is going to show you what we've been doing, what Dan's been doing for fifty years, what Paul has been doing for over forty years, what Joe has been doing for thirty five years. With some of the newcomers are excited about being here with this. A couple of days, my friend Patti's in the back, He's got eight days say, let's welcome back. And what I want to share with you is that God does not make hard terms for those that seek him. That comes from the Big Book. So what we have here, this excitement, this joy, and none of it is put on I need, first of all, let me just I want to self confess. My mom knows this. I want you to know. I have not been like this all day. I've not been walking around zippity do not all day. I have not. This is the pinnacle of my day. And I know you probably said, well, how sad the best part of his day is alcoholics anonymous, Well, the best part of my day is hanging out with other believers. And today I had I was I wasn't restless, I wasn't irriable, but I had had anxiety. I don't know where it came from. I woke up today, I had a heaviness in my chest. I was feeling like something was like. I had a feeling of impending doom. I had alcoholism today. Alcoholism hit me just the same way it hit me when I was four years old and I pulled someone out of the classroom at Mrs mcgillan Cutty's class and bit them and was kicked out of nursery school on Long Island. That's very hard to do, by the way. And actually it wasn't Long Island. It was Baltimore, right, My mother said Baltimore. It was Baltimore. No, it was Long Island. It was Long Island. How cool to be able to do a meeting with your mom. My mom's forty four years in recovery. My dad made God rest his soul went home to be with the Lord last July. He was twenty eight years in recovery. And yet our family when I was younger, that when I was filled with love and everyone was saying I love you, and I didn't come from a tough family where anything was held back in terms of love, and I didn't feel it. This feeling of angst or addita or anxiety or alcoholism that I have had my entire life can come back at any moment, and it was back today. But the good news is is that I came to believe. I come to believe that a power greater than myself will restore me back to sanity. And as long as I hold on, it's gonna pass. The man that said he had thirty five years. He's online tonight and I happened to be in a meeting with him today at around one o'clock or twelve o'clock or eleven sory something like that, And the moment he shared shery, you know, the moment he shared and just told two minutes of the story. Some of the anxiety went away the moment I feel that someone else understands me and has been through it and may have it maybe going through it, you know Thomas. Although every single time I've seen Thomas, he's happy, joy sent free, and Paul will attest every...

He's just always in a good mood. I'm sure that there's times in the day where doubt hits him because he's a human being. And when that doubt hits me, if my first thought is to take a drink, then I knew did I need to do more work. My first thought today was not to take a drink. That's why I say I'm recovered. I'm not recovered from alcoholism. I can have alcohol alcoholism. We can hit me anytime. It hit me. Today at the moment I woke up, and not at at this morning, it hit me. I have alcoholism. I'm not recovered from alcoholism. I'm recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body because when it hit me, I didn't think of taking a drink. I thought of a million ways that I'm a loser. And I had a whole sheet, a spreadsheet was sent to me, had got downloaded from the lower power into my head on why I'm a loser. And I called my mom, it's great to have to have her, and I called it a to goes what's going on with you today's son? Now? Mind you? She just lost my dad and her husband fifty two years together. She's in a new house. She's in a retirement community. She just got solder house of fifty two years. What she was with my dad, it's some big changes, right, Maria, some big changes. She wants to know about what's going on with me? Why does her son of alcoholism today? And I couldn't put my finger on it. I did my prayers. Maybe I didn't do them long enough. I had turned my will in my life over to the best I could, but I really wasn't feeling it. I had started off on my knees. Of course, I did you know what I didn't do today? Sheldon? I didn't read page eight five, eight six seven eight. I just rhynd us, just figured it out. That's it. I didn't read page eight five, eighty six, eighty seven and eighty eight. So guess what I didn't start off What I didn't start off with on Awakening, I started off with Stevie B. And Stevie B is not someone I want to hang out with for any length of time because I hung out with that guy my whole life, and that guy got me on a lot of trouble. That guy told me to snort things and smoke things and drink things and do things and be with people I didn't know, and and and bring my morals down and my ethics and everything that that I was taught by my parents went out the window. That's that guy. I don't want to hang out with that guy. I want less of him and more of him. But today, obviously I just I couldn't figure it out. So just now, yeah, I forgot to read page eight five, eighty six and eighty seven in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. What a great way to start in the day. We're not gonna talk so much about that tonight, because that's gonna be later on this test. But I had to talk about it because alcohol is of Thomas today for me hit me in the face like a frying pan. And yet I've recovered from a seemingly hopeless state of mind about it because I didn't think of taking a drink my entire life anytime anything was wrong. I went from the outside to fill this inside hole. But today some of you guys notice that we don't. I had a surgery on my tush, and so I can't even go to my natural go twos, which is pizza pizzas my natural go to. Love pizza. I love bagels, I love pizza, I love food, I love carbohydrates, I love all that stuff. But I can't. I wanted to. I can't. I wanted to. So I had to go to God. God, Why am I feeling this way? It's OK, So on this too shall pass. Let me send Josie and so you'll have a meeting with him today in the middle of the day. Let's hear a little bit of his story. So when we come to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore a s sanity that's not has nothing to do with using that's this thing apart from God is insane. I told you a little bit of my story last week. I got involved than drugs in college. My parents sent me to treatment.

We didn't know anything about treatment. There was nobody in my neighborhood that went to treatment. I Um, we had never even heard of treatment. And but there was a cousin of mine. He went to hazeldin Minnesota to treatment, and so we called him. He told us about Hazelden. I got sent to Minnesota from Long Island, which is the northeast, and I got sent to Minnesota, and I don't know anything about it. My mother put on a VHS tape of twenty eight Days Clean and Sober with Michael Keaton. I don't have you ever seen that? What's going on? Just checking my things about And while I was watching the VHS tape and I was drinking, I wasn't drinking alcoholic because I wasn't an alcoholic. I was drinking beer watching the movie. Um, I mean, how else would you watch the movie? I mean I was waiting to go to treatment. I wasn't allowed out. I was I was sequestered in the house. My friends were coming over to visit me, like I was a sick patient and they would bring me beer and I appreciated that. And we would watch the movie together that this is where we're going. It's called treatment and um and and and I'm I was. I was in because I love to travel and I love spring break. And then this kind of looked a little bit like spring Break, the movie Clean and Sober. There was girls, there was milkshakes, and there was a dance, and there was a lake. And so I had dressed appropriately for that treatment center. I thought the same way that I would dress for spring Break, because I was a spring break type of kid. We would go from Long Island down to Florida every year to the Cup Cup not to to the to the whatever the places in Fort Lord of Lle forty years ago, what was it? Yeah, but there was a specific name, the candy store. Right, I think I recognized you from the elbow room. Actually, I recognize you from the elbowroom. That's right. I knew I recognized you from the elbow room. Yeah. And so I do what I always do. I packed my five guinea t s and my gold chain, my hair gel and I and I get my my my bag together, and I and I and I flew to Minnesota on February seven, two thousand and one. But when you go to Minnesota, you have to be prepared. It's not something you just you don't just show up in Minnesota. You gotta gotta dress from Minnesota. And I wasn't dressed from Minnesota. I was dressed for spring breaking four laid lle. I had like a little wind breaker on, and I always dressed in muscle pants, which is pretty much pajamas for adults. And I showed up there was like negative forty and I wasn't prepared for alcoholics Anonymous. I had went out there. My parents had sent me out there because I had a drug problem, specific drug part the same as Sherry Jill. We like the smell of cocaine, looks like Jeff. Jeff also looks like someone that used a lot of cocaine, a lot of that, And so they flew me out there. And then I saw The Steps on the Wall for the first time I saw the movie. I'm not sure why that I didn't see the steps, but there was the I saw alcohol for the first time. In the Steps were admitted. We were powerless over alcohol. And there are lives that becoming managel, and I was not there for alcohol twenty one. I just I had just turned twenty one. You know, I'm straight off the boat or what have made me? But straight off the boat. I don't really know what that means. But I'm like, not from Minnesota, That's what it means, Lisa. I'm definitely not from Minnesota, all right. And they could tell I go in. I walk in with my three piece matching Gucci luggage. I'm like, what is this place? This is far below what I'm used to and I and I see the word alcohol, and I'm already balking. I'm already saying stuff like this is not for me, and and and I have a thirty five thousand dollar check in my pocket from staying Boyarsky, which is my dad's name, which carries in a lot of weight in my immediate family, but not so much in Minnesota. So I say it like that, and the guy...

...goes, well, you could leave, And I go, well, I am gonna leave. You know you don't don't want up me. I am gonna leave. I am leaving. And I turned around to leave, and and nobody leaves many at Minnesota in the middle of the night. It's like the shining you do you do? You can't go outside. It's impossible, It's like negative for nobody walks outside at night in a windbreaker, in pajama pants at nighttime there and so they knew they hadn't me. And I tell you that because it doesn't matter why you're here. You might have been invited. You may be court ordered, white ordered, job ordered, but you are here. Patrick, We are off the hook. You are off the hook. Paulie said that to me when I met him thirty years ago. He was speaking at the twelve Step House, and he said, you are off the hope. You never have to take another drink or drug again, no matter what, even if you want to. I mean, I just want you to just feel that. You would feel that right, feel that when I say that you're off to you never have to take another drink or drug ever again, even if you want to. I mean, it isn't that amazing? An he just just take that in. You are that the race is finished. You you have one, You have a ride. Did I know that? When I was twenty one years old, twenty years old and they told me you I had arrived? Of course not. It was a death sentence. And it turned out that the worst thing in my life turned out to be the best thing in my life. Right, Maria, the best worst thing in our lives turns out to be the best thing. Isn't amazing? How God does that? What we all have in common here? We destroyed our lives. Isn't that amazing? That's our common denominator. just what I did to my kids. We just do what I did to my kid And yeah, we came here and we're laughing jolly because God has given us a new enough. We were reborn. And if you're still in the place where you think this is about not drinking, stick around. I guarantee that the people that are in this room tonight never even thought about drinking this week. A matter of fact, the first time we think about drinking is when we go to a meeting of alcoholics anonymous and we hear about drinking. Were like, oh yeah, I forgot about that I had a drinking problem. What we come around for is a thinking problem, that feeling anxiety that I had the entire day up until when I got a little bit. Joe helped me with them a little bit. My mother prayed over me. I got in the car with Mattie five years of superhety, and my alcoholism went right out the window. I came for drinking and I stayed for thinking because the thinking problem was something I had way before the drinking problem. I was not an alcohol because I drank into alcoholism. I drank because I had a thinking problem. That cures my thinking problem for that second, for that nanosecond, The Big Book says, nothing as much takes away that instantaneous but who But then the allergy kicks in, right, Jeff, The allogy kicks in there, and I have one drink, it goes down, and then all of a sudden, I'm in Chicago, which is a problem because I don't live in Chicago. So if you have that situation going on, what are we gonna do? It's an inside job. The Big Book tells us that lack of power, not having power is the problem. Lack of power is the dilemma. Isn't amazing After a while you've been in this program, we start to say we still The words just keep coming to us, the words we've never said our whole lives. The lack of power not having enough power is the problem. So not having enough power is the problem, and...

...alcohol was always the solution. And then alcohol stopped working because it never really worked anyway, because the moment I took a drink, I thought I was a better driver, and really it was I the moment I took a drink, I thought I was tolder. That didn't really happen. The moment I took a drink, I thought I was better looking. That's not true. The moment I took a drink, I was all these things, they're all lies from the pit of the lower power. So alcohol has never been my friend. Now, of course, everybody in here we had great times. There was is that you don't just drink the first time ago right right, it's like, oh, my whole life is terrible. Note the drink was fun. The drink was fun, and then it's fun with problems. We could put up what's fun with problems? Because alcohol is the answer for a while to my inside problem. But then when it becomes poor, pure problems, pure problems. Then when we go to things like sometimes we go to blackout problems, like we take just a couple of drinks, we black out, we're in problems. That we need to realize that there must be a solution and it can't be alcohol, you know, some of us in here. Then we tried different chemical experiments. We realized alcohol is not gonna so we tweaked it. We tweaked, We did tweaking. And I can see there's some very serious tweakers in this room right case in point tweakers. On page fifty two of the Big Book of Alcoholics, Anonymous and talks about beat devilments, devilments, be devilments, which is another word we never use. In two week coming and and we and we find out all the things that we were. We're having trouble with personal relationships. We couldn't control our emotional desires. We were prayed to misery and depression. We couldn't make a living. We had a feeling of uselessness. We were full of fear, we were unhappy. We couldn't seem to be of real help to others. Was these are called to be devilments. And almost every one of us, if I asked you to raise your hand, you're gonna raise your hand at least to one of them, myself, to all of them. Later on, when we talk about the ninth Step promises, We're gonna see that as a result of a relationship with God and work in the steps, that these bedevilments now become The ninth Step promises Troy to see that. That's a smile day. The bedevilments couldn't find a job with life beyond the wildest dreams, full of fear, the feeling of uselessness. It's incredible. The whole thing is gonna change, it's gonna shift. But you have to stay long enough and work the steps. Do the step? What does that mean? Work the steps? Do the steps. The book is here that we have a step. We have a step book called the Twelve and Twelve that even illuminates it more. If you find that this instructions in the Big Book, although adequate, are not adequate enough, and you need more, we we highly recommend that you get the twelve and twelve. The two books go together, amazing, Thank you. The two books go together hand in glove. One book is inspired, the other book is transpired. To put the two together and then you have a working knowledge of the twelve steps. Then we go to meetings like this where we hear other people's opinions and how they did it and how they've experienced a new freedom and a new happiness. And you, I hope you get inspired today to go home and open up the book. I was talking to my friend Robert Yes today. Every time he speaks, because his knowledge is so vast of the program of alcoholics Anonymous in the Big Book. When he speaks, it sends me home into the book. I want to know more like I want to know more like Roberts, like Peter, like Peter am. I want to know more like them. I run home and open up the book. Because this is not a self help program. This is where we help each other problem. Look at what we're doing here, We're doing together. So I go away to that treatment center. I have no desire to stop drinking because I really hadn't even started drinking. I was a little bit of a drinker, but I had a problem with cocaine. Home and then I see the step on the wall. I threatened to...

...leave. They realize I can't leave. No one's going outside. I have to stay. Brought me to where I told you that you're off the hook. It doesn't matter why you're here, because now that you're here, now is the time to stay, to see exactly what's gonna happen? Now, Why don't we stay around for ten fifty years? Why is there nothing that we have better to do? No, it's the only way of a life for us. Now, you'll meet people that don't have alcoholism and don't have God and don't have a program, and they haven't drank for years and years and years and years and years because alcohol is not something that they ever think of. Some of you may have come from families like that where they never had a drink, There was never a drink in your house, and they were miserable. So lack of drinking is not the answer to happiness. Lack of drinking is not the is not the answer to you having a happy joyce in free life. There's many lack of drinking people that you would not want to share dinner with. So lack of drinking is not the problem. Lack of drugging is not the problem. Our relationship with God is the solution. But how do we get from lack of drinking to God? That's in the book lack of powers are dilemmas, So what is the answer. So I find out about this program. I go to the first meeting at the clubhouse in Minneapolis. It was built up really big. I'm the guy's like, I'm gonna take you to the First thing he tells me is I'm taking you to the oldest clubhouse, you know, in order to keep me from leaving the treatment center. The thing they told me the next day, when I could see that you could escape that is that, hey, don't stick around, kid, We're gonna take it to the oldest clubhouse and in in in Minneapolis, which was not appealing to me because I, first of all, number one, I don't know what a clubhouse is. Number two, I don't want to be in a A and number three, I don't want to be around anything old. To be honest with you, none of those three things. I'm like, where's spring break? Where's the gym? And where are the weights? So they bring me to the oldest clubhouse and called teen, which is enough town Minneapolis, and and and they were looking for the wow factor for me. And the reason I tell you that I had no wow factors it took a while for me to buy in. First of all, I didn't even know I needed God. I'm half Jewish, half Catholic. I figured I hadn't figured out by way of my parents. My mom's got God, my dad's got God. At that time in my early childhood, we were still doing past so, we were still doing like past the Maza and still doing praise the Lord. So I had both sides of the fence covered. I figured, I am good on God. The priest came in at the treatment so and he goes, you're gonna need to make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God. I go, I'm half Jewish, I'm half Catholic. We invented God. So I was not open to suggestions. I want to share with you, okay. I was there to get off coke cane, get back to my life, get back to college, finish my last semester. Get I had no desire to join this thing for a lifetime of of events. But what you told me is to keep coming back. And that's the most incredible thing about came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore s sanity. We don't even know we're insane. We think the moment we take away drugs or alcohol that we now have become sane like we were ever seen before we started using like now that we removed it, everything's gonna be shangri la. Like I love that saying in a where they saved that sober the horse thief, but the horse thieves gets sober, he's still a sober horse thief, right, Like I was a maniac before drinking. Drinking worked for me for a while. That was that was a solution. That was medication before I ever got our medication. That worked for me until it didn't. So I'm in Meneapolis. I'm going to some meetings. They're taking me to old club older clubhouses I'm now going to with programs and arcotics, anonymous alcoholics, Anonymous...

...day Go Jim, and I'm I'm liking the whole twelve step thing because it's it's before match dot com. It worked, and so I'm I'm doing both programs. I'm doing a couple of the steps. I like dances, I like the fellowship, I like conventions, I like ice scream that everything's going five. And at my work there's a girl and she says to me, I heard your heard your sober, and I have a drug problem and um, and I said, that's not a problem. And we go, we get we go, get loaded. Why because I didn't do any of the work and I was eighteen months clean. I had my a team on key tag. I had all the things. I had the key tags all over me, and I didn't do any work. I had the shirts and everything. I was like a professional convention guy, and I had no mental defense against the first drink. She said I have a problem with drugs, and I said, I it's no problem. I have money. We put the two to two together. That was it, and then I went into places in Minneapolis. That is different than when you're in college and you get in trouble because now I'm on my own and my parents had joined this program called Narnon, which is like Alanon for for for for people whose kids do narcas. So it's called Narnon. I don't know if it's still around, but it's a very good program. And they taught my parents these all these catchphrases, like we didn't the three cs, we didn't cure it, we didn't cause it, we can't change it. I called them, what does the curate control it? The three cs? They learned the three c's, I'd call them up. I'm like, I'm freezing on the streets of Minneapolis. They gave me all the talk back. I'm so sorry, you know, all this kind of tough, tough love, and we can't cure it, we can't control it, we can't help it. We can't help you. Note right. And I'm dying over there. And so what do they they do? They gave me tough love and then which forced me inside because I was always these brilliant alcoholic that always get high in Minneapolis winters. That's when I would choose to relapse was always around January February. I never can figure it out to do it in May June, which was nice weather. I would always do it in the cold weather when it's bleak there. And and so they tough love me back into the into another treatments in and here's what happened the the at least you know what I mean that the the the floor kept getting lower, the floor kept going lower, because she comes from a great family, to the floor kept going lower. So my family is dying, and I'm dying of alcoholism. But I'm not looking for the solution. I'm looking to do fellowship. Fellowship works for a little while, but it doesn't change the initial problem. Fellowship is amazing. If you take five cars together, five broken cars together, and you put them together in a circle, it looks like they're having a great time. If no mechanics work on them, they are all broken. And so I'm hanging out with other broken newcomers or buying these other buying the shirts, and I'm dying. People would mention steps and I would think, you know, that's that seems like an over that seems like you know something serious. You know, that's something serious. What I had was like I have like drug addiction was like and then the floor kept getting the the lower, and now I'm now I'm homeless in Minneapolis. Lower. I get kicked out of a halfway house. Lower than I pawned my car, which was to me very inventive because I had never heard of something like that. Um. In the middle of my run, my grandfather had given me got make out arrest his soul j C. Had given me a brand new, accurate Integra, and I saw it in the papers that you could pawn your car, which Eric, you probably have heard something like that, but I had never heard of something like that. So Um, I went out into the middle of Minneapolis, which is called Plymouth. I went to this this torn shop for cars and um and they gave me twelve hundred dollars for my brand new Integra. But you still own it.

Here's the great thing about it. They give you the money, but you still own it. I was like, this is amazing. What do you mean I still own it? Like you you were gonna give you twelve one hundred dollar bills and you still own the car. I'm like, this is a win win. I'm in the middle of a run. I'll come back very very quickly for that car. Because I had this whole alkay junkie logic. I was gonna go, but I was gonna maybe start a business with that money. Maybe I was gonna rent an apartment. Maybe I was gonna go back to school. I don't know what I was thinking. All I know is I went back to North Minneapolis is where they sell the stuff, and I went to go see chooch you know what I'm talking about. And the next thing you know, I'm laying in the middle of the floor in a seizure and he reaches down and takes the money. And so now I got no car, no money. I'm in the middle of the wrong side of town. And I got no options, but I want to just thank God because when you're down to nothing, He's always up to something. And somehow I wrote a bad check, and somehow that day that taxi driver had pity on me and allowed me to write a bad check for a taxicab drive and got me over to the other side of the town where I got into a back to the halfway house. They kicked me out, and that started my journey. Came to believe that a power greater than myself. Every single time that I try to hurt myself, God has a life preserver out there saying you don't need to do that. Son. Somehow I managed to get a year of sobriety with some friends out in Minneapolis and a really really good group called UH. It was an offshoot group of the Pacific Group with Clancy. In California, there was a group called the Central Pacific Group UM and I got involved in a Central Pacific Group and they were really into service, and once again I stayed clean and sober on service without doing the steps. I got down here to Fort Lauderdale to be with my grandfather. Once again the same pattern, but I wasn't relapsing. I really got into a lot. I got into some of the steps, and this is where I want I want to hit on with you. I got into some of the steps. I really want to implore you, or or beg you, or share with you. It's really important to do all the steps. I know that barely seems like of course, that doesn't make any sense that anyone would not do all the steps. To me, being a very smart person, I didn't think all the steps were necessary. I thought it was a most of the steps type program, and especially when it came to steps six and seven. To me, there's only like a paragraph on six and a paragraph on seven. I didn't think that it was very important. I really didn't think that my defects were that bad, and really I thought my defects were drugs and alcohol. I I think, if you're here to night and you don't have a sponsor that's thoroughly worked the steps and has a life that that's attractive to you, I say, you're in this thing already, Go yet yourself a sponsor that can help you through the steps, that's a tract that has an attractive life to you. What don't mean by a tractor has nothing to do with their materia. Like you see them and meetings, you see them outside and they have a happy joyce in free life. They're generally happy and not suffering from long term alcoholism. What does that long term alcoholis? Me? Like, you don't see him on a Monday in their miserable and then they're miserable on Friday. I've never had two days miserable in the last twenty years. I've had half a day miserable once, and I've had some half day miserables. I've never had two days in a row miserables. And my father has passed away, my grandparents have passed away, our baby has passed away. Then I'll tell you about as we go on. And there was a terrible day in a terrible week. But God was still involved in all of that. There is nothing that goes on in your life that He does not have the answer for. Now. You would think, you would...

...think that if we're sober and we're helping people, are going to meetings, that our life is gonna be paying free. I have not experienced that. What I have experienced is the grace of God. What does that mean that he gets you through anything? Right, Cherry, that he gets you through anything. That, right, Jeff, that he gets you through anything I've experienced that, I've experienced the love of the Father like that. But I didn't even know that I had a God problem. So I'm any. A couple of years things are going good. My sponsor Miroing, May God rest his solely for the locksmith of Broward County. He would take me all around. I got into great groups like people with Richard Spike and with Paul Paul E. Paul f. Fraud and I would go around to speaker meetings and it was awesome. We had a great time, and I really enjoyed the fellowship. And I and I work a really great step twelve. What does that mean? I picked guys up. I'm available. I take guys through the steps, but only the first three, you know, because you don't have to do more. I take him to the four and five if they want to tell me some stuff in the car, but nothing normal. So what I'm really experiencing is I'm experiencing the joy of not being rolled up in a carpet in the middle of the floor because I think the police are going to rush in at any time, and I'm rolled up in the carpet, thinking, oh, this is a great hiding place. I'm experiencing some joy from that. I'm also not spending a lot of time behind air conditioners and motels. I'm also not having to go from bank a t M to bank a t M, putting in fake money into the into the deposits, and then going to the next bank and taking it out, which is what my error. You could do that. It was the invention of a t M S. You know what I'm talking about. We go from a t M to a TM we'd make fake deposits and then instant with rolls. I didn't have to do that anymore. So I was experiencing a new freedom and a new happiness. But that's not the gift of the program. Not using is not the gift of the program. I didn't use. When I was twelve years old, I was of your sober when I gave another kid a gun and told him to shoot me. You weren't here last week for that, no, I can tell by your face. When I was twelve years old, I gave another kid a gun because I didn't want him to leave the playground that we were playing at, and I said, instead of you leaving. You can shoot at me, and I'll shoot at you, and we'll play shoot at each other. And I lost my honor. That kid had never taken a drink. That kid was twelve years sober when he gave another kid a gun. That kid still lives in there. I was twelve years sober. I've been eighteen months sober. I've been seven years sober, and every one of those sobriety times while I work in the steps in a relationship with God was an ultimate disaster. Now was there some good time together. There was some good times, but eventually it wound up in utter and complete failure. If I could told you you can be cancer free for seven years, but on the seventh year, you're getting cancer back and you're gonna die. You say that's not a good program. Well, that's the program I signed up for limited recovery. Hey, you want to be in limited recovery, you only do some of the steps, Okay, I'd say that sounds great, and that's what I did. So I'm five years sober. I'm I'm stark, raving alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in five years. I'm up here in the Pompano guys remember John Williams. You remember John Williams. Anybody who was raising Andel his famous guy in the program John knows him Um, And he was doing a big book study in Pompano Tom I was there and if you guys remember Tom or a famous guy, and they were talking while my sponsor was speaking, which was John Williams, and I didn't like that they were talking. So when they were talking, I went up to one of the guys and I go, hey, you're talking. And it turned out the guy was from Brooklyn. They don't like when you say that to them in a meeting. And I head butted him because I didn't like what he said to me. And then when I head butted him, he didn't like what I had butted him, and we just tore up the...

...meeting. And I was five years ago without working a program. The insanity not only returned. It's doing push ups waiting for me to just finally give in and say, you know what, I gotta take a drink or I gotta kill myself. And so I have a relationship with God which is like twenty seconds in the morning on my knees and twenty seconds on night, and that's not enough. And I have not worked the six and seven because I really don't think that I have any defects other than alcohol and drugs, and God took that away in the first year. So I really don't have too much work to do. And when you guys could come in and say you're actively working a step, I think you guys are very sick. I can understand why Covey us have worked this program because you look at him. It came from a drunk But I came here three piece matching Gucci luggage, and uh, then I saw what was going to fix my problems. I worked in the foreloaded ll Swap Shop, which is a flea market that had a circus three hundred and sixty five days a year. Did you ever see the circus Maria? It was amazing, And there I saw her. She was gonna fix this inside problem that I had. I didn't think it was a God problem. I thought it was because I didn't have a hot wife problem a girlfriend. I really wasn't looking for a wife at the time, and so there she came in, my wife to be. She was on an elephant, God's true story. She had beautiful feathers and a head dress and she was on a trap peas and I was like, oh my god, I I love I called my mom my, mom's watching. Now I go, mom. I met the girl that's gonna change my life. She's from the country of Columbia, She's Latina, and that's gonna fix what I have going on inside me because because nothing would work, I was already on the steroids that wasn't working. I was already with two cars that wasn't working. I was already fistfighting and acting like the fool every single time Sunday night came on, which is nine o'clock, which is uh sopranos, and that wasn't working. Nothing was working. But I saw her, and I figured this is gonna work, and I pursued her and I met and she she said I'll marry the like from sheer exhaustion, and she married me. We had a big a wedding, and I want to tell you that that wedding was a blessing, and it was a blessing, but I was stark, raving, alcoholic during that wedding. Nothing was good enough. We had ice sculptures and cigar rollers and and unbelievable things, and nothing was good enough. The photographer was the best of everything was and nothing was good enough because when you're it wrestles, irritable and discontent and the disease has returned. Nothing will be good enough, nothing will be perfect enough. Everybody's that the whole world is a stage and a play, and I want everyone to react and and and play their part. And nothing was good enough. My wife didn't know I had alcoholism returned because I was five years clean. She well, my parents gave us a gift. But we can go anywhere in the world that we wanted. I don't know about the world, but anywhere in the United States. And we picked New Orleans. We didn't pick New Orleans. My wife's not from this country. I picked New Orleans. She didn't know what New Orleans was. She knew this was the home of jazz, and she likes jazz, and she likes the lead, she likes Armstrong. She was like, Oh, this is great, we'll go to that's the home of jazz. And I go, yes, the Homer Jazz. But really, inside me, my committee was meeting and said this is the home of booze and booze, and so I didn't know that the committee had met. And then said, we want to hang out on that Bourbon street. I didn't know they meant. Alcoholism doesn't tell you it's meeting. It doesn't send you a signal, Joe that tells you that your alcoholism is meeting My malcolos. Amount of meeting is said, we want to go to a city where there's booze and booze. And I go, okay, let's go to New Orleans. And so we're in New Orleans and we're just newly married, and I'm stark, raving alcoholic, and I'm trying to get her to drink. She has...

...only had one drink in her life. She had a drink when she was sixteen, and she absolutely will not drink. But I want her to drink. If she drinks, we're gonna have more fun all this time. We've been together for three years, four years, whatever it was. Of course you didn't drink. She hasn't a drink, she's sixteen, but I am fixated on her having drink. I order her one of these big bloody not bloody, one of these big mimosas with the whole thing of champagne. And we go to this We go to this court of two sisters and I want her to drink a mimosa and I'm trying to force her to drink a mimosa and she won't drink a mimosa. And I'm like, maybe I'm married the wrong person. She's obviously not going to be fun. And we go to our first night dinner. There. We go to our first night dinner. You got to see where I'm going with this. We go to our first dinner. I don't think that works, and um, and it's in Emerald Legassi's new restaurant, a fancy restaurant, fantacy restaurant. And we sit down in that restaurant and and in the table next to us, their ordered they ordered to find wine, right, you know what I'm saying. They ordered fine wine and they and they poured it in a decanter and nobody was drinking. And I had never seen that before. Great, the finest wine that I ever had was in college and it was mad Dog and it didn't need to breathe. And so this food server tells us that this wine needs to breathe, and I'm like, in all wine that needs to breathe and I have never heard of that. And at that moment, I decided I was not powerless over fine wine. That needs to breathe first. And I want to tell you. Bob wants to tell you. Sheldon wants to tell you. Alcoholics Anonymous wants to tell you a bid. But Bill and Bob want to tell you that if you cannot admit that you're powerless over alcohol, you will absolutely drink again. It's not like it doesn't matter if it takes twenty years. Who cares If it takes twenty years for alcoholism to get you, it is going to get you if you don't believe you're powerless over alcohol. One day, when you're not sitting in a meeting of alcoholics Anonymous round about your friends. Maybe you're gonna be in Italy. Maybe you're gonna be on a cruise in Italy with no others over people, and you're gonna see fine wine, kote with my friend nor here here, Lane's gonna be like to get the big day to day. This is the famalia the bread and you're going, okay, I'll have a glass of wine. But if you know your powerless over alcohol, you like you know and you know your powerless over drain? Oh, you know your powerless over poison. I don't care how much my friend does the Italian thing with the cheese and the and he goes, would you like the Jackson drain? No, I don't know. I don't drink drain. Don't because I know that it will kill me. I need to have alcohol in the same category as drain, oh and poison, because if I don't put it in the same category, on the right circumstances, with the right people and the right smooze a far, it's gonna seem like it's gonna be a good thing. That's not a real word. I just want to just tell you, smoothe just in case you're like, what's going on here? And I went back. I told my home group I was leaving. It took two more years. I picked up my seven year madallion, and I left to go try some drinking of fine things, Cavassier's and all this kind of stuff, which I never made into any of it because the moment I had my first glass of fine wine, which I couldn't even find the glass for the fine wine. I wound up at August Moon Chinese Food Restaurant and Federal Highway and I ordered a Japanese rice wine in a box. The moment I did that, the moment I took my first drink after seven years of being sober, everything went out the window. Everything went out the window. And because I'm not a pure alcoholic, I'm a real alcoholic. The moment I took my first drink, my first drink told me we're about to have a party. I didn't say we're gonna drink socially, let's try to keep this in the on the wraps, maybe we'll do it on the side. It told me go find other stuff immediately. Immediately. I remember that I had a bottle of prescription pills in the house that said don't drink with alcohol. And I never drank because I was in the I...

...never used them because I was in the program, and first of all, I didn't have alcohol, so why would I use them. I'm soberish. But the moment I had to drink, and I remember there was a little yellow sticker in my cabinet that said don't drink with alcohol. Like that's perfect, that's like cheese and and crackers. Of course that I ran to the thing. I found it like I had some junkie superpowers. I found it behind the barber sol in the back, and I went and I took it. One day into it. One day is I couldn't even act like a good, nice sober person after seven years. One day into it, I'm already ingesting other things. And that person that's in there, that happened that twenty four years ago, that my wife, my brand new wife, had to see, my mother, had to see my dad, and may godress his soul, had to see my grandfather had to see. That person still wants to come out because I don't have alcoholism. Excuse me, It wasn't my have alcoholism. And unless I get down on my knees today and bet got to have that guy removed. Not only will stress return, an anxiety return unless I read page eight five, eight six, Unless I'm taking a guy through the book. Unless I'm going to meetings, unless I'm hearing great, great talks about how to be inspired and not information but transformation, going to pay people like Robert, going to see these different things. If I'm not doing that, if I'm hanging around with people that are just talking about not drinking, like the not drinking club, I was already in the not drinking club. They're not drinking club. Maybe do everything in my under the sun because I was miserable hanging out with people that were not drinking. I don't have a matter of fact, none of my friends. When I get together with Steve Benson and Shary, we don't talk about not drinking. That is the most disgusting, boring conversation of the world. What are we talking about. We're talking about, Hey, we're going on this thing. And Sharry Jill just told me to on her honeymoon. She was so excited to tell me that she was going to a vengage. Well, I said, Sharon, Venezuela is a third World country right now. And she goes, no, one, We're going to Curezo Venezuela. And I'm like, no, it's Caracas, Venezuela. That's where you're not going. You're going to Cure Sal, the incredible island. Twelve Daby and Carol thing I said. We started talking about that, and that's that's what you want your life to be. Our life beyond you. You can either go to Curosal or you can wind up in Caracas. Is your choice. It's your choice. You want to hang out with Lisa and I were going to cures a pump or you can wind up in caracas with machine guns and no food. That's your choice. We give you all turns of free will program. You have your life beyond your wild stream, or your life taking from you as soon as you get there. This program has given me a relationship with my mom, a relationship with my wife, a relationship with my friends, are a relationship with our God. Next week, we're gonna do Step three that I promise you. I promise you if you come here next week, Step three is gonna be something you're never gonna forget. We're gonna do a Step three together next week. I got chills just thinking about because I can't wait to get to the next event with you guys. And the next event will be I think that's it. The next event will be next week. God bless you guys,.

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