AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 10 months ago

Peter M at the Life Is Good Group 1/6/2022

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Peter M. at the Life is Good Group, Boca Raton, FL 1/6/2022

My name is Peter be coming out careful, alive and sober, part of the thinking place. Come Up, folks, anonymous, thank you for calling me back here. I just did a twelve weeks step series here and it's kind of like just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in. Young folks have no idea what I'm talking about. The Guy who's doing June twenty three when God separated me from alcohol, and I'm very grateful to be a recovered member of a sacred fellowship. I'm really glad the holidays are over. Happy new years everyone. That's out of the way for me. I was share in the other night. I guess maybe I'm getting older and sentimental. I just look at the importance of those holidays. have been moved from religious communities to a mazing's. I don't know how that happened. I enjoyed it, getting together with friends or family and getting to my religious community. After that it's pretty much a washwoman. So but I was just sharing the other night. It's interesting. This year what went on with me. was incredibly grateful for the blessings God has given me and very grateful for the nightmare. As he's reef removed from me, including the things I thought I needed to be happy. And I remember many, many years ago, it was about three or four days or so before Christmas and I took my first arrest and I completely ruined my family's Christmas because they were at one of my relatives House and the buzz in the air was we got to get him a lawyer so it doesn't go to jail. My first arrest. I remember getting arrested that day and thinking I was going to get the electric chair I was charged with possession and intend to sell the something loiber and install thing until I got to the tombs in New York and all the jail house lawyers were in there. They knew exactly what was going to happen to me. They would give you each other advice. I'm seeing it going, but you're really here for the twenty time, you don't really have good advice. And I remember by the end of the night I started off sitting on the bench in the cell afraid to move, and somewhere by the end of the night I was kind of hunker down under the bench on the concrete floor and they brought out these like cheese sandwiches on stale bread. It was interesting menu that night and I got to see the judge and I was released all along and when I went out, they brought me out and it was my dad and both of his brothers. My Dad at the time was a pretty he did intimidate you with his look and his brothers were bigger than him, and I remember thinking take me back into the Tunbs. I'm safe for an air because I know the music I have to face soon as I got released from this thing. And that was the start of many a rest and I think it's only because of my dad's money and his connection that I never went away, but I kept getting in trouble. One New Year's Eve, I remember, you know, back in Brooklyn would they should do back in their New Year's Eve at twelve o'clock. They'd like fireworks. People come out of the House, when people talk, before cell phones, we actually spoke to each other and they've been pots and pans and hit the ones and I'm in the streets thinking who I can rip off, what car I can break into, the steel and radio, what car I can steal, I mean all of these, what House I can get into? This is what's going on. Because I'm broke, desperate, I need a drink, and it was just an accumulation of many things that got me to a point of I can't do this anymore, but I continue to do it. And they were many times along the journey into hell that I knew I was in serious trouble. I knew I needed to do something about this drink problem. I got addicted to Non Conference approved driver. So I got these two headed months of devouring my life and I know I need to do something and I had been through treatment centers and...

...they talked about twelve stuff fellowships, but that seemed a little radical and extreme. There's somehow, some way I can control and managers. And then I got to a point where I know I need to stop all of this and I came up with the reality that it had the power to stop it even when I wanted to. And what my mind would do over and over and over again, it will happen to me in sobriety that it will pay any price tomorrow to see comfort right now, whatever that is, because even in recovery, what alcoholism does, because I have alcoholism, not uasm one will do, is go underground and resurface in other areas. They will be a food spree, which I developed in eating disorder my first year. I was binging and purging all the time in developing this this thing with food. It will be a food spring of sex free of money, spree of fierce freed and gaining some sort of spree and anger spring. And what many of us know about is that thinkings, because we're always thinking, always trying to fick his stuff out, and then in a resurface in one of those and eventually a double vodkas waiting for me. As long as I think I can run the show, as long as I think I can figure it out in a place called self reliance, what I'm doing is relying upon the old insane mind to fix the insane mind. And for me, a foreman can said is not only that I never picked up the first drink drunk, but being sober going back to me to figure stuff out, because that's what the main problem says. And my years in and out of AA, in and out of treatment centers, I under the delusion that my alcoholism came in a bottle of Whiskey, that if I can just not drink, life is going to be fabulous and I can do like those other people. I can go to I can get a job, report what in the job and buy stuff and have a good life. And when I woke up to when I wasn't drinking, I was worse than when I was drinking. I'd nothing to pour on my isoms and I was left with me and the hideousful horsemen and life was coming at me. It was devouring me. And in recovery I if I'm not careful and I'm not working out the Aa Gym, I start to look at life coming at me. I start to see life from where I am rather than as it is, and perceptions of situations caused me pain and suffering, my perceptions that come from a thinking mind, the Predator, and I start to hear from the mine, I see from the mine, I speak from the mind, I act from the mind, and it's all fear based, insecure, full of self reliance, seven day least is it's a warehouse of toxic stuff and I operate out of that. What I get begin to do in sobriety. I know I did it when I was out there in sobriety, as I inflict my woundedness upon you and I operate out of a place of woundedness about stuff that's not even happening anymore. I spend years in therapy. was incredible experience, but when they walk up to I'm talking about what's not happening anymore, because my mind needs something to lock into, it needs to be entertained, it leads, it needs some sort of something to keep me going. I come into alcoholics anonymous and I find that I'm still as delusional about life as I was when I was drinking. As I said, only in were shape and nothing to medicate myself with and I was a raw nerve. And my first six months in alcoholics anonymous I was completely looney twos. The only I didn't go on with a money speakers. I had not. I thank God I didn't, because, I might add, if I had enough money, I might have gotten drunk. I might have had enough money to fill up the tank and go, but I was I was experiencing all sorts of sprees and I was in constant feeling. I don't know if I said this enough, and just so you know, June twenty three, one thousand nine hundred and eighty eight is when God separated me from alcohol and when I've learned over the last thirty plus years, then if I don't have...

...conscious contact with God, I've in serious trouble my first few years in alcoholics anonymously. If you ask me once the most important thing in your life, I would tell you sobriety, and it's definitely a good answer and it should be at the top of the list. But you know the truth is true. Toil like discover a new truth. Yeah, and for me the most important thing in my life is conscious contact with God, because when I have conscious contact with God, Sobrietis Thinking Canada. And my new truth is, if I say sobriety's at number one. Prior to my left to me here all the time. Somehow I just left God out of that equation, which means I'm keeping me sober if I work hard enough, if I do enough things, if I make enough coffee, if I taking off commitments, if I pray enough, which is all good. There's a thick threat of I'm keeping me sober conscious contact with God. He's running the show. Conscious contact with God keeps me out of my own way. Conscious contact keeps a lit on those sprees I just talked about, because if I have conscious contact with God, it must mean I'm in the trenches praying to God, communing with God, operated out a God. And I just praying, getting up off my knees, and my night by life does not look godly. It doesn't look like a prayer for walk. I don't have fidelity to God anymore. I pray just to check the boxes, get up off my knees and I go from Moses to Rambo in a minute yet. And I'm going to today as if, as if I never made a meeting, as if I never pray, and I have fear and resentments and Gossiping Moll in the head, judgments, criticism all going on. I'm taking a side. I can no longer be a contemplative because I'm taken side. That's me against you, and your wall anger insists on right until I walk into the AI. Media. Is How you're doing. Wonderful. I'm absolutely wonderful. I'm owning all day and I put on the game face for about an hour. Than the meeting ends. I get in a corner back to me again, which is an untreated alcoholic full of selfing lines, driven by a hundred forms of you, my eagle has re emerged, except when I'm in the meeting. I play and safe, because what happens to a guy like me? Are Round here. Well, we know how to play it safe. You know what to say, we know how to be would you like some coffee? I'll get you coffee. I don't want to get him coffee, but I know everyone's looking. HMM. So I'm a stage character all over again in the meeting of alcoholics. Anonymous. This is bondage and it's an awful way to live for me, and God has disciplined me, not better than anyone, but discipline me to a spiritual life where practicing fidelity, having conscious contact with God. Not that I don't make mistakes, but it's not bondage to self anymore. In fact, the awareness level gets to a point where, on most days you can hear self turning a corner. You can almost hear the mind starting to talk and starting to size up and starting to judge and starting to critique. Not The front end. There is no drink on that, but believe me, on the caboost as a big drink. So, even though a book talks about permanent sobriety, it is a day at a time. That I get to go to this God and surrender all things to this power called God, because without everyone, I have, what you have in front of you is a dry drunk who's about to be a wet one. And the thing about my Alcoholis, I don't know if you identify with this, and that alcohols will never announce its arrival. It's not like a wedding invitation, like we're doing. Save the date so you get prepared on this day we have a wedding to go to. There's nothing like that at all. It's kitch the door over like a swat team and will find out. And when I'm when I've watched a lot of folks and I've heard enough stories. The same way, I can go through the steps, I can go backwards through the steps and I don't even know this is going on, because alcohols are the so sneaky and so subtle. So where I am currently is having...

...a life of prayer, meditation, and I take no credittion as just the way God is decid told me on awaken, retire it and having conscious contact, turning in in order to go out throughout the day. I do none of this perfect, but that's what I do and I do my night lies, I do my little limb injuries. I have a sponsor bobs out from St Paul Innsota. He's a great sponsor and I look back in all the men that have been put in my life as sponsors. Then the giants. For me, I've been very blessed a lot of men I don't we heroes and they became my sponsor who had either left or about to leave a rich legacy behind them. And I get to I get to get close to these men and listen to that guidance and God has kept me small enough to be teachable, because soon as I say I know, I stopped learning. I have an opportunity here to do two things. Continue to live my story and tell my story and live my story and stay in that story, or I can live the life God has given to me. So when we do a talk like this, we told about what it was like. That's the story and different times you remember certain things, inspiration comes to you and sometimes we look at all what it was like from a different angle. But what it's like now, she'd be always changing and evolved in if I'm really living a life God has given me. One of abundance and freedom of coverage, strength and direction to surmount when life hits like we're about to go through this new covire in it again. I thought it was, you know, it was over, and everyone's getting sick and there's a lot of me and stuff going on on there. The whole planet's inside out. I don't know what's going on. How do I navigate to that? Well, how do I navigate when the boss you go to work just doesn't like it? How do I navigate when you go home and he or she says I'm leaving or gossip? Did on children get sick? How do we navigate through Difficult Financial Times? And how do we navigate through just the opposite, when it's absolutely wonderful? On my own power, I will ruin everything. I'm the type of alcoholic I'll be the only guy on ninety five and created traffic jam. Hmm, that's just what I do. I can said this from a million podiums. How many times I would be sitting on my couch, especially when I first moved down here. I'm in south Florida. Oh my God, I remember swimming on Christmas on purpose just to tell my friends up not im on the beach of swimming as Christmas, you know, looking out the window, as palm trees. It's pretty down here. The weather is great, the palm trees are great, the job was great, the money was great, everything was great, the relationship is great, this is great. And then my mind hears me say that's Great. A hold on a second, and it throws something, you know, like how old are you now? Now I can serve sixty two, going to be sixty three, it says. Now, how many more us you think you got left? We need to go hiking, Stockland, camping, fishing right now. Make a million dollars by midnight, and I go from blisten to bleeding about thirty seconds and I pissed off at everybody. That's what the mind does, the very same mind that tells me it's going to fill always the same mind that keeps digging old. And I listen to an over and over and over again, someone's outside by circle going what's wrong with you? It is the Great Predator. And yet we tell people in the head bring the body of the mind to follow. Why God's name go mom, I mind showing them or your mind, anyone's mind showing up anywhere I am what I think as a man. Think, so something like that. I managine if I was everything I think, I'd be in detox. So this power that I found in alcoholics, Anonymo Sud especially grateful for and I will be transparent with you. There are times when I doubt it, when I have my moments of down skepticism. Are you paying attention when I think I know better than God? And that's when I go into prayer. Can Stop negotiating with God rather than surrendering to God?...

It's never good because if eventually I run out of road, hit the wall and then God speaks to it, a brick wall, self reliance doesn't work in my evil wants to insist that I'm in selfrence. Insist that I listened to it and like seeing is the great the great liar, and I'll buy it. Every once in a while I will buy it and I can feel the world heavy. I'm not traveling light anymore. I grew up in Britain and I remember growing up in Brooklyn. I was born in fifty nine, so I remember some of the S and I would definitely remember the s. One of the worst fashion area is for the SME in. I don't know what happened, but I remember the S and we had problems in our country that you guys are remember some of the stuff that was going on. There was something cool about the sixty of them called hippies and rock and wall and Mo Tom and I remember everyone back in Brooklyn hung out on shriet corners back in the that's what we did all the school yards and I remember growing up and watching the older guys on the corner drinking beer, hanging out, listening to music and flirt with the girls and rough house and on Saturday and was an event. You know, they're anywhere from fifteen to thirty guys hanging out a corner with the girls. Of Music was happening, and then the eight tracking came out, everyone but frampton comes alive. That was anything out of I mean it was a scene drinking home for fun and I wanted it to be like them because I saw you of fact being produced in them when they drank alcohol, because what was going on with me was quite the opposite. My mind owned me. The mind whent makes a great servant but a terrible master. It only it was my master. They told me everything and none of it was good. I was a really gifted musician growing up and no matter how many accolades I got, I knew I was still stuck with me and once the Apalla stop, I woke up to I'm still made. And no matter where I went, there I was and it wasn't good enough. I wasn't good look enough, I was too strong enough. I was, and tough enough, I was tall enough. I would I just went on ad a mom at home who committed suicide in January seventy four, January twenty three, one thousand nine hundred and seventy four. And I grew up with this alcoholic mom. Bless a heart, you try to do a great job, but she was addicted to alcohol and a lot of narcotics and a lot of suicide attempts and in January seven before she finally did what she wanted to do and leave this to leave this walk, and I can't tell you, was like the fistic goal of government reached down and pull out all the air out of my lungs that day. I remember my dad on the one one call. This guy never heard of cry, never saw fear and of once and I woke up to hear my dad weeping and screaming in terror. Please can quip. I think my wife is dead and I was literally in my lower bug frozen with fear that morning. Was At four o'clock in the morning, frozen with Jack could move and I can feel my heart pounding like she did it, and I think at that point, although wasn't a conscious decision, I don't want to thing to do with God anymore. But that's what happened. I'm a cradle Catholic. My mom took me to all the religious instructions and told me how to pray and made sure she told me how much the Corpett loves us, how much God loves his he would never hurt as what I'm watching to get sicker and sicker or she finally takes all life. I couldn't wrap my head around that at fourteen years old, and any was God stuff was probably for women and children and Walt Disney cartoons. It's not real. I got to be like my own man, just just blaze right throughout anything a new wages in it. I'd have the ability to do that. I was cast into the sea, as I like to say, of self reliance. Figure out, as you don't like a lot of us until I drank this one night and I grabbed the COR to be a nind up. Of Been Drunk if I had some of my grandfather's homemade wine up. But my first drunk was on a street corner and halfway through a quart of...

...cold forty five beer, I'm feeling absolutely wonderful. Don't know that warm feeling we get it. It's just nice. That's why I go back to it. The girls got pretty, I got better looking, I got taller, I had muscles, I was the don of the neighborhood by midnight. Was a cool thing and when I finished the corn of beer, I'm drunk and I it was just a great drunk. I knew I was drunk and I love its what I wait so long and on my way home I remember this clearly. I don't ever want to be sober again. Now, fourteen years I think of this fourteen year old kid now, you know, should be playing little league baseball and have the world right here, and I'm thinking I don't ever want to take sobriety again, because I tasted the hunting tonight and it's interesting how I'm one of them. Many of us can identify with this. I don't realize how much bondage I'm you know, I had been in until I walk into a little bit of freedom, like that bad relationship where you don't a lot of us know what that feels like, when it sounds like, and then you get out and Oh my God, how did I say that relationship that long was I thinking? That's the problem. was still a lot of thinking and on my way home that night, this warm glow, I was wrapped up in this, this thing called alcoholism. I was lit up the first drunk. I never want to be sober again, and I remember thinking I'm not going to school on Monday drunk. I'm not going. I want to go in lit up, and I pursue that as I book talks about to the gates of insanity and almost death. I wanted to capture out of loose to feeling. I love the effect produced by it. Still consequence the first time I got drunk. I woke up the next morning sober, not hung over, but remembering everything. That was the hook. See, I took the baker. It was a hook on it. I remember everything. I want to go back there tonight and repeat the same exact thing and I'm going to get that warm feeling and everyone's going to be doing they're doing in us is going to use and everyone's going to be great. It was never ever the same. I was in the hunt now and always stuck in. The more, you know what I mean, the more I need more, always stuck in more. We call it craving, the allergic reaction. I like the word more because more of anything. I never try that, but just give me six and, as bill says in the story, is drinking assume more serious proportions. Is exactly what happened to me. It's interesting how, back then it will happen in alcoholics anonymous, how my thought life will create my current reality if I'm not real careful and alcoholics anonymous. I started to back away from prayer, start to back away from meditation, start to back away from inventory. Response of what happens is my thoughts become paramount. They become more important, paramount, more important paramount than to God in my own life, to my own recovery, because my stuff on gend on my stuff and dinner, the stuff all time, for all time, all it's all I got going on my stuff and I think I have thoughts. This is the crazy thing about me as I go. I actually believe that my thoughts, these are my thoughts. I'm stuck in my thoughts. I got to get rid of my thoughts, if they were really my thoughts, and like them, exchange it for good once. I can't, because that hooked into me and I can't get out of them. It's like this empty that lays on me and I can't get out. Deevil, walk into a spider weapon. It's that kind of all over you. That's my thoughts. Somehow I think I can get on booked. I can't. Not God, and at fourteen and fifteen and sixteen, up until I walked into a a and about a year in here, my thought life only was my current reality. Whenever it said, it showed up in my life and I acted as if acting according when I should say, well, we can. You know, progressed into drinking a lot and I start to get into little,...

...little fights on the street, arguments. I had this attitude. One Guy told me you're well balanced individually, got a chip on each shoulder. As this I'm walking around. You know, I don't have a mom, I don't get along like my dad. I'm kind of like this. This warrior rebel. But on a close when I was I'm trying to do life and figure it out. I'm petrified around women. When I hang out the guys, I'm second guest and everything that's say you can do very selfconscious. The only time I was comfortable was playing drums in a bad so only time I was comfortable while that was happening when it was done. Petrified before I started in it good when it was done I was right back to me again. I rather to shrink and I will tell you I blew up a music because alcohol was paramount to the point where I had to drink. I couldn't say we'll drink later, I had to drink. You know, it's really frightened about alcoholism, and maybe you could identify with this. I got to a point when, no matter how much alcohol I put my body, I couldn't get there anymore. I just couldn't get I couldn't get lift off. It was the times I was consuming enormous amount of drugs with it and at the end that was gobbling valley with drinking, and I could not get past me. No matter what when in I was still stuck with me and I knew it I was like just sober. I felt sober all the time. Now I'm drunk, but I felt sober. I couldn't get lift off anymore. It was the beginning of the end. Thank you God that I survived that. And like a coward, which is what I've turned into, I stole from people who trusted me, that call family, and I start to take things that didn't belong to me. And I stole from my Dad, from my dad's check book one time, and I got caught stealing and I stup for it's to ships and go down to the local Bodega. They cash you for me because I knew who he was. Twenty Bucks by Beer, twenty bucks by alcohol. I got away with it. They didn't want him walking in. Yeah, I knew nothing about checking statements. He found out, came looking for me and found me, lowman, in a calm one day, with this young lady him at the night before. So you know how it goes. You meet her drunk. I'm in love now, Hmmmmm, and love it stalking for people like us all the same thing. And my dad found me and put me in my first treatment center. Now, neither one of US knew what treatments. Someone got my dad's and says there's places to take your son, but problems like that. But I don't think I'm alcoholic. I agree to go because I don't want to deal with him. I mean we were whorlds apart. We did not get along. My Dad's and Alpha male from South Brooklyn. I'm into hippies and hanging out. My hair was down here at the time. My Dad's should I should have to show Da, you know, being people up at ten. I mean that's how we want to meet it, and so we just did. So I went to my first treatment center. I don't know what I'm walking into. I do remember this was an Amityville, Long Island, as we're driving up to this private hospital where they have a treatment. Sentence a SYFE hospital. In the end they have a treatment and it was the same place we took my mom and I went to visit her probably twenty times. It was people and they're chasing butterflies in their room. Get it. And then there's a treatment center and we're both just as the addles and uncohol just as lilling. The people chase the butterflies in their room and every you for twenty eight days. I remember Mr tough guy from Brooklyn walks in. And so after the assessment, what does? I go to my room and cry. The counsel comes is Whatsna, honey, I don't know why I'm here. I'm crying like a five year old, because that's really who I was. You can dress me up back then, put on good clothes, giving me muscles, give me whatever, and I'm still a five year old. When I walked intop folks anonymous at twenty eight years old. I'm operating around an eighteen...

...eighteen year old maturity level. The twenty eight days in treatment and check down, got drunk and now, because that girl was in the cause, but my dad found me, I called her on the pay phone in the treatment said a honey, I'm coming home, like I did five years in Attica or something. I was in a private hospital with tennis courts. But you know, I got a I'm coming home. And how wasn't it was? It was tough. You know, I like to getting medicated pot doing a detox face. They medicain. That part was cool. You just not out. And I got drunken an hour and I knew nothing about this road paved to hell. Called alcoholism that once I pick up a drink, I need the second drink and I put the second drink on either their drink, I put the their drinking. It's all it's all over. I'm drinking. There's no pulling out anymore. And so many times I would go to a liquor stokes. I wasn't a big ball room guy, very uncomfortable and balls I knew was going to happen to me. was afraid of getting beat up with thrown out. was too expensive. I'd rather get a pipe and walk the streets driving my car. I hang alcohol way or around all the BUMBS. Like me. That's what I did. But there was so many times I go to liquor stoff and get a pine of whiskey. They're going to nurse this is will be good. I never nursed anything and once it was finished I was back in the liquor store. Then you do this. I can't go to liquor star. I've been at three times. They I find that liquors while I got it and I'm covering the globe. Basically, so they think, because when you drunk in black out, you've been there four times. You even know it. It's funny when you walk into liquor, story just puts it on the counter for you and you think like this is pretty wold. He's going full here. You know you need pret you got a problem. This is where I'm at now. I'm not even like in my s yet I got introduced to some other stuff all along the way. Then the comics and I thought I died and went to heaven and I don't was going to be one time thing and I ran with that for a few years. The street stuff and alcohol, and I minimized and justified and rationalized as much alcohol as I was drinking because it's legal. The other stuff is a different kind of life and I'm very grateful God pulled me out of that by that. My last couple of years out there was drinking and eating pills because that wouldn't kill me. I made my second, third, Fourth Fifth Treatment Center, and you know, going into my Fifth Treatment Center I all books, as we had to concede to our in a most cell for alcohol. It also says I one hundred percent hops apart from the vine help. I never knew what that meant until I experienced exactly what they're talking about. Going into my fifth treatments and I'm way beyond conceited to Min know what I am. I mean my arm show it like I have the time to see. I cannot stop drinking. You just I'm done, it's over. you in the bottles finishing, you throw it against a brick wall. But I need Wi will pipe or I got to stop drinking. So when we get a pipe to figure out how not to do this anymore. And it's just non stop. I will tell you, from my first treatment sentence to my last one, I was not a guy with thirty days and sixty days or ninety days and a but my first treatment sent it to my last. One in one thousand nine hundred and eighty eight I would be unless I was in treatment, I was either drunk or in the pursuit of getting drunk. There was no Soba time for me. The most I accumulated was after my fifth treatment. Says that, ironically, my longest stay in treatment up until that point, which was nine weeks. Going into my fiftus. I know exactly what I am and I'm swearing off everything, the street stuff and the alcohol's got to stop. This is crazy. My family wants nothing to do with me.

No woman in a right mind would even come in my area code it. I had a job as a long showman, a job that was impossible to lose. We would probably the second biggest union in the country. I got fired from that job and you couldn't get fired from that job. I get fine as my dad's at your fine. Don't come to work anymore. There was no strike, by the way. They just want business as usual. But going in there, I know I'm in serious, serious trouble, and I do. They hold on to me for nine weeks and after nine weeks I look relatively healthy. Upon discharge day I got call it back in my face. On bathing, I'm shaving, going to groups, I'm going to the gym. I looked like a you know, like a normal like an me out there and on the way out of Tel I know what I need to do and I hit the cross the trushold on to the street in Amity Golong Island and I'm slap with reality. All the voices don't have voices. We walk around all day long. I was talking, like even doing a meeting, like when it's a go around, and I finished speaking. I'm going this way and again again, figuring out his speech while you're speaking. It's always working. What are we eating tomorrow at work? Next month, next Christmas, I'm gonna have enough money to buy stuff. And this is all day. Look before later on, before later on. Well, soon as I hit the streets it was like boom, all woke up, all the voices and I quickly notice on the Saturday morning and a many of a long island, people are going about their business, like most people in the sated in chores and things. And no one really can't. I just got out of treatment and I feel the anxiety and the uncomfortability and the fear and it's already heard it. It's life. Is really uncomfortable. I liked it better than it, and now I couldn't wait to get out. Now that amount, I kind of wish I was back in there. It was comfortable. They told me where to go, what to do, what to say, you'll have my own bed and all this other stuff. Now I'm on my own. I don't know what to do and what one voice says. We need to drink now. Need to get a drink right now. I just take the edge off. Can't get a drink at a bump. Get of Pilke. Get some, just take the edge off, and then we're going to go to AA. But right now the bellies upside down, the chest is vibrating, my five is reading. We need a drink, just one drink. This is the lie. And I buy the line that Youruth gets me all the time. See, for me, drinking and sober, the truth will always find me. I can't out run the truth, which is I'm alcoholic. I could try to deny that all day long, live and delusion all day long. The truth will find me. The same thing when I'm doing things that aren't spiritual and I try to justify them as it's okay. The truthful find me. Well, I will wake up with a huge emotional hangover, remorse, regret, embarrassment, humiliation or divorce papers. The truth will always find me. And as an alcoholic, a double vodka will find me. If I'm not careful about the Jack will find me. If I'm not careful, it will come in money, a lot more little. It will come a relationship or wonderful or break up. It will just show up. The truth will always find me. This is a great phrase. I love the truth of second free know, know the truth and the truth of second free. Know the truth of the truth to second free. There's a lot of truths in life, death and taxes. We all want that one. It's going to got a pantaction. You go to jail and we're going to pass. And need food in my body, because I don't, I get sick and wither away. I need to keep hydrated to a certain point. If not, I get sick and with her away does a real truths in a roof over my head. Not The truth. But what is the truth? What truth do we talk about? Says know the truth and the truth will set me free. Watch. Do we talking about? Only one truth, the truth him. I get right with him and everything seems to just open. Okay, I am experiencing freedom. I can...

...get locked into the mechanics in the big book and forget about the freedom and promises me. I rather live in the freedom. The being a a big buck lawyer and the mechanics are important to me, but I rather live in the freedom. What does that relationship look like? There's a gentleman I listened to a lot and he's a bishop and he says, how would it be from the moment you won't open your eyes to the moment you close your eyes during the day. If God was standing right in that to you with everything you did that day, would you be comfortable? Because you know, sometimes we do stuff god God's on this. On that particular day after my first treatments, as they went home to my dad's house. There's nowhere else to go, and I stay there, and I did. There was a a whorlse to go, and not that I wanted to go. I don't want to be in his grasp. I don't want to be anyway me, Him, my dad and I really I joke about this, but if my dad could have put a leash on me to keep me tied down in the house, to keep me from hurting me, I think he would have. Every one of my family knew I was a danger to me. Me, I'm a danger to me. I'm the greatest that. I'm better a fight a guy six foot five to fifty, because you have to beats me up. It's over, not my alcoholism. It just keeps hitting and I snuck out of the House on a Monday morning because I could not take living there anymore and I cannot take the loudness in the head. I need to drink. I need a drink. I got to get out of I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't corry out the conversation I got, I need to drink. This is crazy, cold white knuckles sobriety. Imagine doing that in a month after month, year after year, bad relationship after bad relationship, job after job, going to forty five sponsors in the first ninety days, forty six home groups in a year. The common trends room, all of it is me. I remember sitting. There was a field of sitting with marvel sponsor and not one of them was that I keep meeting these crazy woman my whole life, to keep meeting crazy woman. And my sponsor says, well, maybe they all crazy, but who keeps picking them? You? It's a common threads me. On Monday morning I snuck in snuck out on one of the cause at my dad's house, my brother's car. In reality, what I did was I stole a brother's car. I didn't tell them borrow again. It was like five in the morning. Took the keys, gotten a call. My plane was to drive to South Brooklyn. I was living at stock on in New York at the time, but my dad and I was going to drive to South Brooklyn. I think it's on Henshot. I mean to be Kili. It was a liquor slide. Go to a lot. I was going to get the plan. It was the setup of the embers. I'm going to get kind whiskey. It's Monday, which means by the time I'll be going opposite traffic, everyone's heading to work. It's going to be just great pine, a whiskey between my legs, drinking a pine driving back, I'll get in, no one will know. I said went out to the store for a few minutes and I'll be nice for to day. I get the ADS. Five o'clock in the morning. Nothing's open up. Pacing up and down and saw waiting for the liquor stall to get there, and this is when I meet my demons. I shared this a million times because I believe we want to bet on Demon's at some point where it's way beyond conceding to our animal self. We kind of take we kind of step out. Have this out a body that experiences exactly what is I'm up against on what I've turned into the obsession as I'm walking up and down, as decide what the obsession is so powerful it begins to feel physical. I feel like I'm going through withdrawal. I'm not going after night makes it being in treatment. There's nothing wrong with my body. It's a Sobo it's ever going to be. But my bellies hurting, my chest is shaken. I don't thinking. I really need a drink. I need one drink. I really need a drink. I finally getting at by by a pint...

...of whisky. I never made it to the car. I suck that down as fast as I could. You know what happened. I need a second pint of whiskey because alcos as a cow and I'm so alcos of his alcoholis said my second pine of Whiskey. That gotta have the money. I never made it to the coffee because they have that finish two pints of whiskey. I'm drunk. So when I'm drunk I like to get drunk arn and when I'm really drunk I like to eat pills and just get oblivia. I don't want to feel life. It hurts, it's uncomfortable and in sobriety L can still be it's still problematic, it still hurts, it still feels unfair. It's still full of a lot of toxic stuff and I need some muscles to navigate through all of that, to travel light to where the world like a loose garment rather and heavy and full of contempted anger, because that starts to come out and and don't work. Indeed, there's something that says, the amount speaks what the heart is full of. That starts to come out and I want to put it back in. I can't believe I just said that to someone, and I want to go in on one of the worst try. I got to rest in a couple times, a bad, bad time, and the trapdoors have trap doors, and I landed in my six treatment center and walked out after thirty six hours because I knew this was a scam. I'm running. Never happened. So rony wood never happened for me, in fact that you know, I was born and I hated God from bringing me to this planet. It was one big mistake. I despised myself when I had turned into I knew my family despise me for what I had turned into. I cursed himself, as bill says, but being a weakling, I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted out. I wanted to die, really I wanted out, and I remember eating what was left of a bottle of valley and washing down with Jacketson fleabag motel in standing on New York and waiting to die. And at that moment I remember thinking this is it was this little flash of reality that this is exactly what my mom experienced, because albums, that's what it does. Dying is the way out now, and we don't want to die perfect. Won't die for a little while and come back when everything's cool and startled again. But I wanted out and God kept interrupting my death because he had a he had his story for me to live, or story for me to them, I should say. I couldn't see that. I was dead to God in my mind, but very much awake to him, very much alive to him, and he kept throwing those life crabs out and through desperation on June twenty three, one thousand nine hundred and eighty eight, where the desperation finally, finally screamed louder than the EGO. You know when that happens, see, when the desperation screams louder than the eagle, there's no need to hit any more bottoms. We talked about the bottoms. We hit the Eagle response. This is a bottom, I need to do something. Then I get some are back of my loans and I keep going. When the Eagle kind of gets trush for a moment, there's no need for a bottom anymore. And in that place for me, there was no I need to go to Aa, I need to go to treatment, I need to go to detox and he get a sponsor. None of this was anywhere in a horizon. It was a please take me from this, I don't want to die. Was Out of options. It was a god seed that was planted. No self realized, no trying to figure out. I don't know what to do. I just don't want to die. And that's a place called getting so rendered. I'm very bluffest of all, I got to get sober. GO TO AA first. I'll go to treat I go to de top first. That I'm probably about five days and then put me intrigue and I come out, go to AA, get a sponse go to the steps and turn into Moses. This will be great. I don't know what's I stole the DIY. It's interesting in a true surrendered place. How all the dots get connected and I wake up to the dots being...

...connected, whether it happens right then or down the roads. We live like photo. Understand that backwards. My Dad found me standing on a street corner and low woman, having made a drive from Atlantic City, New Jersey, to low woman have that's a long drive without traffic, and found me standing on the street corner and I was taken out of that scrap peep, if you will, really rescue at that point and placed in my seven treatments have been something happened. I'll be in ten days in there. My mind was not done with me. It was romancing. One more drink. See, that stays with me for a while. I love the analogy you got. You come out of public's and put the packages on the your front seat and you slam on your brakes that are red, like the cock comes to stop the grocery to keep going. Well, because I'm in treatment, the mind keeps going and ten days I'm thinking I overwrap, I need to get a drink and I'll come back to AI. That didn't happen and they sent me to Minnesota and then something. It was a shift that I have nothing to do with. You know, when I pray, I guess no matter how hard I pray a house in sea or I pray, how much surrender is involved in it, I can't commence the spirit to do anything. It's God what I end a position to be changed by him. I didn't plug into a battery last night to lest me, you know, the whole day, like with the cell phone, I don't plan on breathing it just it just happens. The Hodge's beating. This the same thing with this transformation. And there was a shift, because I remember when I was in Minnesota in more treatment, halfway, three quarter and sober living and go into some of these meetings, and this one particularly being equal the three legacies meeting, there was the shift was I need to get with you. I saw pictures of bill involved. I didn't even know who they were, but they were dressed nice. And this one meeting people dressed nice, they seemed elegant and articulate and had some grace and dignity. And then go to the dinner and talk about life. But they did it with Grayson, didn't I knew was something very special alcoholics knowledge. I call it sacred now. I didn't have that adjective back then. I know it's sacred, it's holy ground and I walk into an AA meeting and I get to take this out there, which was much more important hour in here. But I knew I need to get with you guys, because I can't do this anymore. I will are my brother's eight and a half SEK. I'm attention, I'm wearing his clothes. I can just squeeze into that nothing and I'm embarrassed to walk around. That's all I got and God kept me close to the ground, all force feeding of humility. I'd have credit cards or no cell phones, have a car up. That was that wasn't liquid. I'm money in my pocket, Zero and my dad listened to the councils who said that keep them that way. Don't start sending him money. He'll be fine. I will work at a treatment senta is. These cats came in with credit cards, phones and they want stuff. You want stuff. I do sometimes intakes phones in a treatment center. Our deal breaker. You're not ready, because it was me on the soul of phone. I mean, you know, but that's where I was and I'm happy to report you to good news. That God has kept me. At the risk of sounding boastful, because I'm not trying to be that way, I remember a good standing. I couldn't be any of anything else in alcoholics nmos. This, this is, this is that important to me. It is my life God has given me, taking me from a selfless, selfseeking, self absorbed self something to a self to, on most day, selfless and a servant's hot. And I know better than anyone in this room I don't know a college education, I'm not a I'm not that educated guy who can figure this out. I'm really grateful about that. So I chop holding carry water and I get to talk about the good news. I pray...

O friend Russell gets better quick and need him around. I thank you for listening. That's all I got. PEACEFU.

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