AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 10 months ago

Russell S. Talk 7 at the Life Is Good Group 1/13/2022

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Russell S. Talk 7, "The End Game" at the Life is Good Group, Boca Raton, FL 1/13/2022

Good to be back with you guys. What was that done? Two Weeks? Three weeks? How long it was? I think any turn. So I grow Russell Alcoholic. Remember the Celtics Sea Room? So I I I'm still operating on thirty three RPM. But but at anyway I was, you know what? I was in Milton George. I drove up there to see my bunch of kids. I got a bunch of kids and grandkids up there and and and they after I was here about a couple of days, I got the thing, you know, and tested positive and all that stuff. and they, luckily, they have a large house with a very beautiful dait, you know, basement all fixed up and pool table. They got catch. They at the whole bit, my kids. And so I spent like ten days and what do they call that? Quite solitary confinement with my wife. You know, my wife and solitary confinement. Thank God for Zoom night they hid everybody is a thank God for Zoom. It was great. But I go to a lot of zoom. Means that I got a probat about five zoom meets doom meetings, Bible Studies, stuff by any place. Hang around with men and women and who are, you know, involved in what I what I'm you know, says Godlessry how to create the fellowship be grave, and I hang around with a fellowship I crave by and and, quite frankly, I find I'm not putting this you know, I love a I'll go wherever, I'll stand on the fire line and line of life. I was supposed to fly, can you believe this? Supposed to fly up to whisk constance, to Milwaukee to do their convention up there. I bought the ticket. It's about a bunch of money. What the ticket. And then they wouldn't let me on the I'm quite frankly, I told him, I said Look, I got this bug and they said no, we want you to come up anyway. As you know, I'm sober, so I mean I'd like to think I'm motionally sober. So I didn't say like what do you fucking crazy? I didn't say that. You know, I mean there's and then I got so selfish about you. This is, let me say, with self sending. This is a self centringness. Is is a part of me where I says, anybody asks you to do something, you do it. And they're telling me they want me to come up there with the disease, you know, to the convention. And I said so, I started thinking. So now I'm like struggle. I said, so I go up there and everybody catching the shit. They're going to say the speaker had it. The speaker came up with covid and all around the a community, around the world, because they're all fucking thinking about me, they're gonna be saying, do you believe this ass all he has, forty one years, he flies up there with COPD and infects the entire population. You know what I mean? What kind of Jackbop does stuff like that? And but then what happened is delt so I prayed to God to say God, just help me out here, because as a part of me that they said come on up and I didn't. I thought it was crazy. And there's another part that, to be honest with you, I'll go anywhere use. I mean, I drow up here, you know, like two hours, you know, for this, you know, at these prices, you know, and and so and and listens this. It was like eight degrees. So I was going to fly from drough eight. I was in eight. So when Delta said to me, we won't let you on the plane. I didn't even want my money back. I would have kissed the guy, you know what I mean. And but STEVV, you guys dolls TV be. I called him up, he said I'll go and he went up there and he did a great job. He did a great job. He was he gave him a threehour thing and and then he spoke said and I did a great job. So they loved them. He did fantastic. So that's the deal. So it's good to be here and I'm going to talk a little bit about that. Somehow, I think. I don't know, we'll see. I'm them prepare these things. What's the point, you know, with the them? You know, I supposed to be rocket in the fourth dimension of existence and I missed it by an inch. I said, I got rocket in the fourth dementia of existence. I said, you know, I know, I told you guys, but it's true. Story he started. My wife sent me too it have a brain scan because they she thought I had dementia, because apparently now this is my theory, because she noticed that I didn't react to anything around the house and one time she stood in front of me with her hands on her hips and says, she says, she looks at me, says, you know, between me and the TV set, and she says, you know, you I've married her. I came into a when I thirty one and my spons that don't make any major decisions there for first year. So I was doing on sober I got married. So I've been married for like forty one years, you know, and I may have made a mistake, but it's too late now. You know, four kids, seven almost a grandkids. And so and I stood in front of TV, between and TV, sputter Handsie, just you never listen to a word I say. And I'm thinking, what a strange way to start a conversation. You know what I mean? I just so I want to see. They did a brain skin on me and they said I was okay, and she didn't like that. So here's the deal. I had to go...

...to a neurologist. Jest. They send me to a neurologist yesterday to make sure I'm whatever, whatever the dementia thing, and and and so the guy asked, this is thats? You know what evers is the real deal. It's the real kids truth. So I'm sitting there in the nerologist office, because I'm like, I got to see this nerologist and because of my brain and which has been the problem all my life. Just this is going to be a lead into the alcoholism thing, because you guys said, you know, I went to a meeting day and they read the there was a solution and you know what I heard. You know I got it. You know you got to. You Change Your perspective in here at everything changes as you grow older in here. I mean when everything changes, you grow older anyway. But but my perspective on what this disease is all about and what sobriety is all about, diference between mirror physical sobriety and emotional sobriety. And we even what they talked about in the big book. It changes and and and I'm a big book of FICI and Otto. I mean I went to a meeting today and yeah or yesterday, and some guy I see, I hear this sometimes, talks derisively about being book Big Book Thumpers. He said, well, I'm not a big book thumper, but you know my and I admire big book thumpers. I mean I think if you're going to really do this thing, I don't want to rely on my imagination or my thinking. I want to know the material, and so I'm AFICI in Outo of all the material talk about the good old timers, the big book. I've memorized a lot of it, and not because I said around. Try to memorize it. I've read it so much over and over again. I and at all and and the men that I hung around, because, believe me, the person you will ultimately the person you'll ultimately turn into and molley yourself after, it'll who you'll wind up, who you will be five or ten years and now, would depend on who you hang out with. And I was told, if you want what most people don't have in here, you're going to have to be prepared to do with most people won't do. And and you know, I used to. I used to tell my sponsor I'm doing everything, and he said, listen, the things that are going to kill you in here are the things you're not doing. So don't tell me what you do what I want to know what you're not doing. And then he had me do some really strange shit. I want to tell you something. I'm going to die. I did stuff in my life to get wherever the heck I am right now that most people won't do. I'm just telling you. They just won't do as a matter of fact, they'll get pissed off about alcoholics get pissed off a lot about so I'll go to the neurologist, I'll get it and and I'm sitting there at there. I'm seventy two. I can want to thirty one and send them in the rologist office. I know I have to be there and I forgot because you got I got some one of the great things I like about the zoom thing and also a lot of these. You got some oldsters there. That's a Bill Wilson called them old oldsters. You know, I'm seventy two. I mean it's not the Oldit you know. Other people eighty, you know. But but I go to this meeting. Some of you guys, Maddie goes, are a lot of you guys are there at twelve noon. Men On track and also men fully alive where I think the median age is like seventy years old or something. He's most people have over like twenty or thirty or forty years and you know, and it's like it's the meeting you go to right before century village it prepares you for century village, you know. And you know they don't have any problems. Maybe in confidence or something like that. They came in their pants or stuff like. It's nothing big, no big deal, you know. And Yeah, Maddie, you're laughing. You don't know what it's like. I checked myself before I got you know. So so I go. I'm sitting there in the rologists and and I'm thinking, you ask that question. Who referred to here? Now I got a pullmonologist, I've got a urologist. You know, you guys, probably a lot of you guys, you're alogist, the pomnologists, a cardiologist, and I got my the the regular guy and any anti guy, and I can't remember what the Hell I'm doing there, for what I'm there for. So I said we really? I said, I don't know. was either this guy that guy? He says, what's Your promise is? I don't know, I don't remember. I said I had some vertigo and I can't remember Shit, you know what I mean. And so they go in for the test. That tested me and they're asked me all sorts of questions. That every question they asked me like he asked me questions as I have a problem. Remember you. So, so what's the problem? But don't you remember? I said I don't remember. Couldn't remember what. I don't remember and it's terrible. And I'll hear a guy, I'll hear a guy speaking in a meeting and I'll say something else. Oh, man, I like that and I want to talk about that. And then and then two minutes later they're asked me to talk and I can't remember what the guy said. You know, it's it's crazy thing. But any that, and so I was out to meet you this morning. They're reading. There is a solution. I don't know how...

...many people have read. There's a solution. I mean I've read many, many, many times, and so I recognize that they read. There's and it's pure a I love the big book. You're a I believe it is the finally inspired. I mean it's the big book was just brilliantly written. It was written when Bill Wilson, the guy alongst time. I guess you build a flat for years. So I mean there's a lot of things that, as rnt is is it's sort of there's a couple things in it that I believe everything in it but to be honestly, you at my age, after my experience, there are a couple things in it I would have changed or something. I might talk about one and I'm going to tell him to talk about my room. Just I'll throw this shit out, you know, because I'm just going to throw it out. You know what the heck we're still happens to just get pissed in me, but I won't bother me. You know what I mean? I don't care, but your problem, I mean, you don't have to work that out. But so I was listening to the what was the thing I was talking about? No, there is a solution, right, okay. So, in any event, and I read, and you know, I don't even griparating in there is a solution. They talk a lot about drinking. I mean, I'm telling you, it's almost the entire thing is about drinking. WHY DOES HE DRINK? Why is he different? When you ask me why he went on the last bender, you know what I mean, like if you ask them why I went, I'm the last bender, he'll give you some sort of excuse. What sounds plausible, but it sounds like a man who's hit himself over the head because he's got a headache a thousand times use. I feel it. And if he tells you the truth, the bottom line is the basically he's going to tell you the truth. Strangers that maybe the say has as much he has. He has his less. I get why. He has no idea why you started drinking. And it's all about the drink and drink and drinking thing, which you know actually, when you think about it, in a book called out bolics anonymous, it's sort of makes sense. You know what I mean? I and and I do remember. I do remember that when I came to a I came in because I couldn't stop drinking. It's that's true. It's I don't know whether I bad can identify with that, but I came in because I couldn't stop drinking. I know you think this isn't going anywhere, but you don't have to trust me on this. You're going to have to make believe that I'm actually going to make sense somewhere down the road. Okay, so just be patience. Okay, so I realize that I used to lap this shit up, and I did. I read it and it helped me with fantastic and it was all about not drinking, even if he asked, falls off and a was all about not drinking, not drinking, not drinking. And and I haven't had a drinking problem forty one years. I haven't thought about a drinking forty one years. Really, I mean I haven't thought. Maybe maybe that's not true. Maybe during the first ten years, you know, little thinking here there, whatever it is, you know, and maybe a drunk dream or something. But you know, last twenty years I haven't drink. It is not I don't have a drinking problem. Now that was before. I know. I know there's some guy in here saying who's this asshole? You know what I mean? You think he's cured or something. Well, I think there was such a thing as permanent sobriety. I do, I really do believe it's such thing as permanent variety, because I believe either there is such a thing as as making God the centerpiece of Your Life. That's a whole other stuff that's to do. I'm going to get that, I'm going to get to that. I'm going to treat this like an eleven step thing. So I think, I think there is a there is a because that's why I think this whole thing is all about. You know, I've read the Big Book Tenzero Times. I've done all the steps, I've done all the conventions. I've I've done the zendic group Baque of chairman for two years. I was relay for you. Got Sponsor me, I did. I did the deal, I got the T shirt. Okay, and let me tell you what it comes down to. I'm going to tell you what the whole thing comes down to you, because since becomes real simple after a while, becomes real simple. I realized finally what it comes down to, because because happens. You know, there's there's an old ts Eliott has the same. We will not cease our exploration and the end of all our exploring we will finally come to the place where we began, having known the place for the first time. If you've been around for ten, twenty three years, you have been in a position where, at ten years or twenty years sobriety, having going through something, going through something, you when all else fails and you going crazy, you don't know what to do, you'll open up the big book and you'll see a line there. You'll see a line that you read tenzero times. That meant nothing to you not that and you'll see the line and all of a sudden you'll see it for the first one, all cells and Holy Shit, that's that's it, that's it, that's that's that's it. That's when I'm that's...

...the deal and the line. Maybe we're headed for trouble if we do. If you're rest on your rlds, that maybe the little the line. Maybe, but the bottom line is is that as you as you get older in this thing, you know the way we get a new perspective, the way we learned things is by repeated humiliations and the final question of our selfsufficiency. So so the the first step where we become entirely ready to stop drinking. We don't even have to believe. We don't really have to believe in God, doing we don't even know God, is first step we have. We have no clue. I got down on my knees and he gave my life to Jesus on chiant on this seer twous f one thousand nine hundred and eighty, because things were so bad and I heard a preacher and I was won't do anything. And I'm a Jewish kid from New York, so you know, I was desperate and but I don't really. I mean that was, if that was an important point in my life, but part of my life. And and think how important was what was going to be. But I can't say I was absolutely convinced. Says being convinced. We an now it's that I can say I was being convinced. You know what I mean? I it was like my the God of mine. Misunderstanding was an imagine everything. It was like something I made up. It was I kept it in the glove compartment. I took it out an a means when things got really bad, next to the spare tire. You and I'm it's not like in the central fact of my life. It's not like the relationship. It's not like a relationship I have with God now and and how was either. Know I should really know this because it's written all over the book. But, as I said, when I first read the book, now you've as send it, I didn't read. I filtered out because when anybody tells you something you know that you don't want to hear, you don't like, you know, you confuse you and you ignore it. You know, and I learned that that's one of the consequences being an uphol you don't hear things. You know, Jesus said, I think you said one of those liness with those who have I see, and those other years here. You know, there's there are some people that can go to meeting here, somebody talk or read some of the book and they got a ton of shit out of it, and another person here's it and doesn't hear anything. You know, one guy I'm talking to and he wants to pick up a light hip. The other guy's talking to do and all he wants to say is you don't understand, you don't understand, you don't understand. Same Talk, same thing, the same everything. It's we don't see the world away. And really is. We see the world way we are. We see through a glass darkly. And the only thing I've got, really is I've had repeated humiliations. The only I have that's different. I'm just like one. You know, I'm just one beggar showing another break of where to get a crush the bread. Is the only I got is I just got by. Red Says we got a new perspective by give humiliations. Final question of our self sufficiency, and I've just been crushed more more times over a long period of time. That's all. It's not smarter as a matricwise smart. I didn't know what the Hell I was doing. You know what I mean? I had to get dumber first, you know. And every time you get crushed, every time you get shown that you're not such a hot shot, every every time something like something happens in your life, here comes the IRS. Here comes to cancer, there comes to reject here comes to disappointment. It is just one more less than we learned, where you realize that you're not as well as you thought you were. And that's just the only differences with me is that, you know, I've gone through a lot of crushing over the last forty one years. So, Mikey, so it would be crazy if I thought about things and soft things now, at seventy two years of age, the way I saw it when I was thirty one. Don't you think so? So I spent the first ten years an a a, actually maybe the first twenty years an, maybe the first forty years in any but definitely the first twenty years learning what the disease was really about. And I come to the conclusion, and I'm just done this is. This is my thought, my thing. You can rejected, you can say the guys crazy. I've come to the conclusion that this disease really doesn't have much to do with drink. Understand it really does another called alcoholics, an Ms. I know for the first ten years, you you. I look my favorite line when I read the Big Book. You know what I saw? I saw the Jay Walker. Yeah, well, I saw it because they might know what I'm talking about when I say to Jay Walker, I saw the Jay Walker and they had me at hello, you're not movie when it's with Tom Cruise. I can remember the movie is. But what's he called? Officer and a gentleman? No, cruisesn't even in that movie. Jerry McGuire, Jerry, and why? The Allum Story says you had me at alone when I read the Jaywalker and they had me and they nailed me. I was convinced that I was trying as my I own. I was not only going miss those prowess or alcohol. I knew, you know, they say you can always come back. I knew I would never come back. I knew, you know. You know. I mean some sponsors tell people, you know whatever they tell him. My Watch is said, listen, your best eving got you in here, it says, he says, you go drinking, you and come back, you probably won't make it back. You know, I have always thought that drinking is not an option, even though I know it is an option. Was Not an option. I knew that if I drank I...

...would never come back. So the first ten years, maybe the first fifteen years, of my sobriety, it was learning what the disease was really about. I can't be blamed, because I think most people are like this, that they talk so much about drinking and the book talks so much about drinking that you actually believe that AA is about drinking or not drinking. I can understand why people believe that that's such a sad thing, but maybe it's not so sad. It's the way it is. And so I did spend the first ten years, maybe fifteen years, an a a, doing the AA program because I didn't want to drink, and I think there's nothing wrong with that. It's just the fact of life. The primary reason I got did the a program is not the close of the God. Was Not to become some sort of spiritual giant. Was Not to do the stuff I do right now. It wasn't the help. It was because the reason I sponsor people is because the book says nothing. So much insures physical sobriety. Then intensive work with alcoholics. Everything I did, the primary motivation was not drinking, not really realizing they're the first fifteen years that I hadn't been drinking. That drinking what's a problem for me. You know I mean, but I know, and it's true, that if I stopped doing what I was doing, I might drink. So that was a primary motivation, was not drinking. It's very interesting and here's in you know what I find? I will find. I find an AA that that one of the most common things you see in Aa is people that have sobriety for five, ten, fifteen years who drink again. I'm going to see him all the time. At fifteen years, I twenty two years, I drank down. I got ten years, I drank again. Five years I drank again. When people drink again after five years, ten years, fifteen years, they're not drinking because out of craving. I don't words had of out of you know, I know what the craving is. You take the because I eat potato chips I don't. Craving is to take the first you know, you take the first drink and then it's the second drinking because you can't stop, you know. But you got twenty of your sobriety and you take a drink. It's not because your craving alcohol, it's because it's because you've never really dealt with alcoholism. It's because you've never done because you've never really understood what alcoholism was. See, you thought alcoholism had to do with drinking or not drinking. So since you weren't drinking, you thought you were okay. But they have this line in what was that book I was talking about? Chapter there's a solution. So they have this line there is a solution, and I was just listening to and this is the line I sort of disagree with, but I'm going to give buil he only had four years. I'm let him slide on this. And this is the line. He says, okay, which I know is absolutely untrue. I know it's untrue because I know what the rest of the book says and I know what the twelve and twelve says. I don't talk about the going to I know what I know what my life said Mike Spens, this is the line. We know that if an alcoholic doesn't drink, he basically acts just like normal people. That's a fopul line, that's a lie. Everybody in here is an alcoholic and none of you guys have drank and not one of you is fucking normal. And the only reason we have fun together, we laugh. It's not about to drinking, is because we're we're all crazy, but we're all crazy the same fucking way, you know. And we don't go here because, even though we go here to not drink, we go here so that we won't drink, because we need to. We need to stop a disease that centers in our mind, not our body, and which the big book says later on. With the big book says later on is it says the drinking is but a symptom of the disease, the big book itself says isn't even the disease. So I spend like five years, ten years, fifteen years finding this disease, thinking it has to do with, no matter what, not drinking, and I'm not even getting at the disease. I'm just treading water. And so then you can answer the question very easily. You can answer the question easily that they ask in what was that? There's a solution. When the question is when you ask an alcoholic why he drank again, he doesn't have a make up,...

...some excuse, some alibi, some sort said, but usually he doesn't know. But you really but we know what the answer is. He has to drink can because he was never actually sober. He was never actually sober, he was just dry at the moment. Vision for you says here and there once in a while an alcoholic drive a moment since feel better, look better, having better time. We laugh at sudden sally because he's going to as soon try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriety. But if you're an alcoholic, one of the innsting things about alcoholics I you say to my sponsor, I said eats, he'd say mean things to me like shut up or, you know, listen or nobody's interested in your opinion. You'd say. It wasn't nice to me. I was terribly abusively under sponsored and and I don't know. I was supposed to I graduate the potical honors in mathematics, you know, and I was going for a out. I was going to Ph the in Algebreak topology, ended up being a lawyer. I supposed to be sponsored by Jesus Christ or Albert Einstein, but they went around. So they stuck me with a used car salesman that they even graduate the sixth grade. Was a there's a big fiasco's big mistake. I once told them, as you guys know, I said it was a true story. I said, obviously he was in my office, had about fifty degrees on the wall, proving that I've been educated far beyond my capacity understand everything, and I said, Bob, these are my these are my degrees, and he said, well, you know Rus rechtel thermometers have the region. Know they do with those. So you know. So obviously I was a big mistake and my sponsorship. But and so. So what happens is you, you, you, you finally get to a point where you're doing everything, everything in order to not drink, not drink. But the God thing is not happening. And the reason that God thing is not happening is because Aa, the fellows are of a doesn't believe in the God thing. It really doesn't. And the reason is because the chapter of the agnostic says. One of the constant one of the consequences of being an autohol is we don't like the God thing, says the right there fromier code of morals, with better philosophy, life would have saved us. We would have been sober long time ago and done a long time ago. But the promise doesn't say that US, because lack of power is our to live. We had to find a house, so we wrote a book, but we had where we had to talk about God. And and this is the next line, and here is where everything goes to hell, because the alcoholics to happles on their next stand up, because the one thing they, alcoholics, don't want to talk about is God. And so what is our fellowship? I love our fellowship, but what is it? It's not well, people's anonymous. It's millions of people that don't really want to talk about God. It's not like the good old days through nineteen thirty five, nineteen thirty nine, where had you had to get they were hardcore. You had to get down on your knees. If you want to go to an a mean and give your life to God, or else they wouldn't let you in. You know, it's not like the good old days where Dr Bob said to Clarence, you know, the brew Master, when he first spoke them the first the first line. He said, you believe we got young fellow, and Clarence said, what does that have to do? What he says everything. It's not like the good old days with Dr Bob said first things first. What does that mean? Cheeky first, the King of God and is righteous, because all things will be added onto you. It's not like the good old days. Nineteen thirty five, you know, I said really have seen the person fills thoroughly follow. But it's not like the good old days where in nine, nineteen thirty nine set the books that we found absolutely essential. Or first give Corinthians thirteen, sermon on the Mount at, the book of James. Know. Aa Now is don't talk about God, you'll scare with the newcomer. We're in the old days. If we were new, come you out to get down in knees and, you know, say you believed in God, or else they won't even let you into a meeting. So he's not that. Now a is an anti good a. A A. It's not like. I mean the book, Yes, the book when they wrote the book. It takes a stand against atheism. Dr Bob says, if you have some sort of intellectual pride which keeps you from understanding what we're saying in this book, I feel sorry for yours, for you, if you're an atheist or an agnostic, we're have some other sort of intellectual pride which keeps you from understanding what we're saying. I feel sorry for yourself, for you, your heavenly body. Father, capitalized, will never let you down. Here's your father. You are the children, he is the principle. You with the a's your new employer. It's not like you know. We never apologize for God. We actually lose all presidents. And it's not like that. An A. It's not like that anymore. It's not the a of the nine S. it's the ordered down, pasteurized, homogenized, don't offend anybody. Got Reminis is spend anybody A. and so people stay sober for a while, but they never get rocking in the fourth dimension of existence because in order to get rocket and for an experience, much heaven. You understand what I'm saying. The great facts. This is nothing less. You got to make that gotten. The central fact of your life, you know, and you got to be absolutely convinced that it lives in your heartmond and way which deep miractus doing for you and you can't do for yourself. You understand? That's that's that's the program about bolls anonymous. And the bottom line is that's not the program that we offer an alcoholics anonymous today. As matter of fact,...

...most people get offended the walk out the door if they hear a talk about this. You know what I mean. So what happens is they get a form of sobriety without power, which will last for a certain period of time, and then they'll get they'll become that person that is sober twenty years or twenty five years, but they're not happy with their spriday. I know because I sponsor them. That's why sponsor these days guys with thirty years and twenty years and fifteen years, people that are not happy with their sobriety, you know. And and so what happens is you don't really do the program, the real program, you do something else that sort of looks like the program. But and so what happens is you see a lot of people that get five, ten, fifteen, twenty years, physical sobriety and they drink again or they're not happy, and you have very few people that have forty and fifty years that are rocking the fourth dimension of existence and experience so much of heaven. And that's what happens. That's the Aa we have today, because they're not really doing the eleventh step. But ultimately, when you come to the end, like ts eliots and having no place for the first time, you realize that amp you do all the steps, do everything, if you do it, if you get rid of all your prejudices and all your ideas and do as I said when I started out. What I said when I started out was was this. As I said, in order to get things, the things that most people will never get, an Aa, you have to be prepared to do things that most people never do. So, like an Olympian, Olympians that with the gold metal and everything, it's because they're willing to do stuff the most and trained that most people never do. And so what happens is, you know, you you get to this, this point in your life, is an alcohol. At least I got to a point of mother. Some people get to it a thirty seven. I don't doubt where it happens at thirty seven years. Sometimes it happens at twenty three years. For me it happened to ten years. Okay, where you're sober and you're doing everything and you're talking aout means and everything like that, and you think you're doing everything, but you're not happy. One of the things that I've noticed about alcoholics is, I don't know if you've ever noticed, as I noticed it a lot, is their touchy. You know, it's now here's a very interesting thing. I used say to my sponsor I'm sensitive, because no, you're not sent you just touching. You know, great artists the sensitive. You're just touching. And Alcoholics and touchy and sensitive and things like that. And and they're very they're upsetable. You know, it's ten years. So my spose said. You know why you're upset? Because you're upsetable. What a concept. I thought I was upseting because the way my wife Treaty I was. Thought it was upset because of I didn't have any money. I thought it was upset because the but so now you're just upset it as you're upsetable. When you're upsetable, life is very painful. Life is painful when you're upsetable. So and if you try to see alcoholics are so used to we have old ideas. One of the old ideas is, I'm upset because of this. Another old ideas I'm upset because of that, another, all ideas. Of course, I'm pissed because this happened. And you say things like you would be pissed too. We are locked on too. If only this, if only that, it's your fault, if only this and that doesn't go away when you put the plug in a drug jug. Doctor. You know the idea of having the psychic change, you know, being reborn, having the psychic chances. Ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the are the driving force of these men's lives are pushed the one side to become dominated by homely set of ideas, emotions at dudes. But that doesn't happen like that doesn't happen when you stop drinking. That's like twenty, thirty years down the road or something. That's like. That's why I'll tell people. They sort of laugh, I mean when they tell me what the promise all yeah, I know about that. Is Weird. About the money things. Yeah, you'll be okay about ten twenty years. Don't worry. Yeah, well, that promise, don't they have a promise of the book. They say you'll lose for your people. You ever see that promise? You lose for your people. So when does that happen for most people? Never, they won't talk about God. An a means. They won't talk about you know why they won't talk about God? An a means because they're worried about what other people in Nable think about them. Is that losing fear of people? You know why I talk about God like this openly, never apologize and form. All men of faith have urged. They because their God. You know I do, because I'm not scared of y'all. So's who I am, and what I am doesn't depend upon what you I think you think about me as my fact, I don't really think about what you think about thinking about me. Do you know what a blessing is? You know what a freedom is? That's the new freedom, you know, doesn't it say we lose fear of financial whether they lose financial something do about money, some do about money as economic and security thing. So you said.

So do you so, as that happened to you. So here's but the eye. The other interesting thing about alcoholics. This is another consequence of being an alcoholic which has not to do with drinking. It's the true alcoholism. It's the real alcoholism that goes on. The other thing about alcoholism is is this incredible thing that we are very, very we have this incredible condition that we can live in abject misery, suffering incredible pain, horrible, horrible pain. Life could be very painful and we can tell ourselves that we're doing okay. It's sort of like a weird sort of thing. You know, somebody said, I think you have a split personality. I said, I wish I could get down to two. I'd be okay. You know I mean, we got this weird thing going on. We're very, very sensitive to life and life's problems. Are Very upsetable. We have what a says with one of the and one of the beginning chapters of the book. It says he's a perfectly okay except for a nervous disposition. We have these nervous did they were very, very upsetable and every you understand what but I say. But yet even though we're upsetable and we're sensitive, we can live like rats and raging relationships and terrible situations and somehow tell ourselves we're actually doing okay. So you can actually be an AA for ten, fifteen, twenty years and be unhappy with your sobriety but not even know you're unhappy. We do sobriety. And the reason is is because and most AI meeting Sam talk about any of Shit I'm talking about. I'm not pointing to me, I'm just telling you. I've been to a lot of any means, I know what's going on. They don't. Nobody talks about this shit. I'm talking about emotional sobriety. I'm talking about faith in God. You See, this isn't talk about any means. A means talk about problems and not drinking. They talked about and and really, the big book is not about non drinking. Anybody who's WHO's anybody WHO's reading the Big Book? Anybody's reading the Big Book? Listen, this is this is like advanced Ay. Anybody's reading the Big Book is not drinking. Think about it. If you're reading the Big Book, you've already solved an drinking problem. You know you're really into the not thinking problem. You start thinking you're going to start drinking again. So how do you stop drink? How do you stop thinking? You know, that's the deal. And so what happens is that gets to a point in time, and alcoholics anonymous, where it got to a point in time with me where you could be doing everything and you could be feeling relatively okay and you could feel like you're doing okay, but it's just not. It's just not. There's an old commercial. This is before most of you were alive, but some of you guys remember on Mount Marble Commercial. Are you smoking more in enjoying us, where you're going to more meetings, but you're enjoying them less, where you go to meetings and you got your hands like this and you're listening to speakers and you've heard it over and over and over again, and just sponsoring and you're doing all that, but you're not getting out of a a. You don't have the enthusiasm, the excitement, the joy of living. You're not getting out of this thing. You're doing it like you doing, like jail time. It's like jail time. They don't check what one one how you? You know, he said, how you doing? Hanging in there? Hang Oh yeahs hanging around. Ay for fourteen years. So I could be hanging in there, hang there one flipping day in a time. So that's what I got to. I was hanging in there and I was doing all this stuff, thinking I basically okay, except I had this one problem. This is the problem I had. I had this one problem. I saw that stuff from the promises. Now either it's either what they're saying is true or it's a bunch of lives. And it said we'll lose fear people in of economic insecurity, and that hadn't happened to me and I've been working seeing like a some of this for ten years. I'm not talking about ten minutes, I'm not talking about ten months, I'm talking about ten flipping years. You know what I mean. So what happens is you tend to get discouraged. You're saying, like, when is this going to happen? I went to me while I steam on sober. It was done by I got it down headed him. I never seen guy before in my life. He was enthusiastic, he was excited, he was helping people and after the meeting he just did such a great job and I was sold. I love so much. Listen to my told my spons I wanted to hang out with him. Where'd you go to meeting? Some my sponsors said to me this. I'm never forgetting because you remember somebody he says. He said what does he hang out of? What to hang out with a guy like that? He says he's dying of cancer. That's how imagine that. You Watch a guy, you think he's doing great and you're saying this guy's on top of his game and says vice is when you know he's dying of cancer. And so I said to him what you would say. I said, what...

...are you talking about? Say He's died. I can't say. Well, you just did. That mean he was helping people. was excited. He says, I know this is, but he said, you didn't say anything about dying of cancer. Have you ever been day meetings? Some guy go off with three hours on he's got a hangmail. You know what I mean. You know it dog died or some sort of bullshit like that. You know this guy's died of cancer. He doesn't even mention it, you know, and six months later he was dead. And so I'm saying, here's what I'm noticing. I'm noticing what what Buil Dotson noticed the man on the bed and Bill Wilson, he said, build, Dotson said, and alcoholic sound in the number three, he said. I knew there was something more, something I hadn't got, something a person ought to have, and I was trying to find the answer. And I know what's going on. Bill Wilson was in my my kitchen, and he turned to my wife, Henriade, and said Everyetta, the role the Lord had been so wonderful to me, has been so wonderful to me, curing me of this terrible disease that I got to keep talking about and telling other people. Building is very, very excited about his sobriety and he gave total credit, all credit for everything had happen. Do Them to God and that was his deal. And and so you say to yourself, why can I have alt Kennedy Sobriety? Why I can't? Why can't I have ault Kennedy Sobriety? How do you get out Kennedy Sobriety where you're excited on living and you're trying to help people, but you're dying of cancer? That's it. I didn't get that. That's that's a weird thing. You know what I mean and you run a you run into people in Aa that have that. You see that. So I want to I real keep once I said what am I going to lose? Fear, but I'm going to lose have financial securities. That what are you talking about? Financial Security? What am I going to have it? This is what the Hell you talk about. Is The promise financial street. I'm tending. I'm tend. You're sober. I'm broken again. I'm being because three times broken was apparently I spend more money than I make, you know, and buying shit with money I don't have, buying crap I don't even need to impress people I don't even like. It's apparently I feel so crappy about myself, even though I have ten years, that I got to have a new car so that you'll think I'm something, because I have no self awareness of who I am or what I am. The way I feel about who I am what I am, it has to do with you thinking I'm great and then I'll feel I'm okay. So I'm worried about it, but I don't even know this because I've only got ten years out of Shit. You know, and and that you know. That's an this, all these this whole deal with not having, you know, alcoholics and men and women out destroys where I haven't even dealt I haven't even got into the real disease, because I'm thinking with a ten years to brianty. I'm still thinking like before I came into even a a, because that stuff doesn't budge and and and and rail. Who says to me? Says, he says, you don't get financial security, you'll lose the fear. He says Ross, you're always going to be broken, but it just won't bother you. I said, how do you do that? You know, and so I have these people. I have people come up to me a a a and I watch him come up to me and I was one of those people and I'd say, you know, and I don't know what you ever notice society, people that are fifteen, twenty years this happens and they've got problems and they talk to about their problems. And I want to tell you something this stage of my life. The greatest thing, I believe that God will give you everything you need if you stay close to them. And performers work well and his work is to help other people. I have no pucket list. I swear to God I have no bucket list. I don't need to go and I'm going on a cruise to the Holy Land and also to think, because my wife wants to do it, because I love her, and I'm doing it care less about cruises. I've done all that, been there, done that. There's nothing I want, there's nothing I need, you know, there's nothing I'm nothing that I say, Oh, if I can only do this before I die, I'm I'm having a blast just coming up to place like this and helping other people. Nothing I love more than to be in God's will and doing what I think he wants to do. Is just be a back from service to other people. You know, I don't, I don't, I don't. I no longer help other people or try to help other people because in by mind my motivation is no longer because intend to work with other people keep me physically sober. That's not why I help other people. I help other people because the god of my understanding, which is in an imaginary God. It's hard to molly shut after imaginary something that's product of your imagination. You know, I needed God. I could see, feel and I know who he is and what he is, okay, but the God I moleed myself after that. I want to please that. I'm grateful to same God that Bill Wilson, that you know. I know. I know who he is, what he is and what he wants to do, and the things I do is to please him, you know. And if I walk out of a room, if everybody hates me, it doesn't really matter, you know, because that's the way alcoholics are. They hate things they don't understand, but they won't don't want. The point is the only thing I care about is whether I did what God intended me to say, because...

I've had enough people that over forty years come up with me. I used to Ay, you know, I love you, so I understand. Sometimes you just have to be pulver pulverized by life and have life experiences to understand that what I'm saying is not bullshit. You just have to go through it. And so you know, that's what what real keep said. Is said. Listen, it's you're going to lose the fear. You just got to be pounded a little bit more. So ten years sprite started going to Bible study. Did that for about ten I got been doing that for the next thirty years. I got a real clear I had a I had a do the real level step and get closer and closer. That's a big book says. You know what they say in the big book. We encourage church membership, believe or not, saying. You know why? They said that in the big book. You know why. I'll tell you why, because that's what they were doing. So we encourage church membership, it says. We lose all prejudice, even against our eize religion. Don't tell people in aid that because they don't know that. Because their spiritual, not religious, they're like better than church people. They're better than believers, you know, because church people are self righteous. Man, there ain't no I hear somebody saying I'm spiritual, not religious. So like they're putting down religious people. You know what I mean? They don't really understand. I'm an alcoholic. I'm really spiritual and I don't know. I don't know that. There you talk about being self righteous, selfrighteous and stuck up and full of Shit. You know, I mean unbelievable. Nothing more full of Shit than are reformed up all and thinks that. He thinks that he's you know, he's God's gift to humanity. And what happens is you don't have relationship with God. But why do you need God? Because you're spiritual. Why do you God? Your spiritual you've attained the rank of spiritual giant. You know, it's just just an evil, selfish asshole, you know. And really who thinks he's got something going on until the cancer hits, you know, and that's the things don't work out so well. So in the end, what happens, and I'm told I have to do hard clothes, which I will. In the end, what happens is you ultimately realize, after all said and done, is what they'll ay. Is All about is this. There's one who has all power. There's one ready for this. There's one that has all power. You have no power, you don't even have one percent about. There is one who has all power. May you find him now. That's what our whole problem is about. It's not about the not drinking. You don't want to drink forever. You want to just you want to be like an Alt Kennedy. You want to lose fear of people, and that can ob insecurity. You better make it your business to find the one who has all power and stay close to him and perform his works well, and everything will work out for you. And ultimately, at some point in your life, you'll realize that your quote higher power, the higher power that your sort of got locked in your trunk somewhere next to your spirits, tire, that imaginary higher I'll tell you, faced with the problems of this world, the things that are coming at me, the material things, the money and the women in the cars and every been this world, I'll tell you I have a lot of lower powers that are higher higher powers for me that are trying to tear me away. When you have this crap coming at you that you can hear, feel in touch. You know, I, I. I. It's a hard thing to battle that stuff and those lust within the imaginary thing, but something I made up in my imagination. You know well, this will be my so you know, the bottom light is is that I had to find the power. I had to find the God that I can see field touched, knows who he is, what he is, and what I have to do is I hang around. I have to hang out without Kennedy's, I have to hang around with guys like John Glenn My for a third sponsor. But we go to we go to out to dinner and I go to start heating. Says, Hey, you can't even yet. We got to give thanks. And in the middle of restaurant he bows head and for about five minutes he pray it could people could be hype. You looking around because people, I think, we're looking at me and eat. And then he'd say okay, US now we can eat the food because it's going to taste better because it has that special ingredient. It was some worried about anybay. He was worried about giving honor to God. You know, you start hanging around with people like that in your life. The great thing about being in alcohol because we're pretty much worse. You know I mean. I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about me. We want to blend, we want to please love me a hauling. We want people like us. So you put me in a you put me at the Ku Klux plan, I'm going to be a cool click clay on. You put me, you...

...can put me in any group. I'm going to blend down moving, but I'm going to be you talked. Put me a group. Well, the time at it's getting laid in women I'm that guy you know I mean. You put me a group where's scambling. I'm a gambler. You put a group cocaine, I'm cocaine guy. You put me in a group with guys like John Glenn, I'm going to start. I'm going to start trying to be like them, I'm gonna try to be like out of Kennedy, I'm gonna be listening to them. So I got to hang out. I gotta hang out with the people that are doing this thing, and let me tell you that few and far between. You if you and far between. So that's it.

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