AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 7 months ago

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Life Is Good Group 11/04/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Life is Good Group, Boca Raton, FL 11/04/2021

Wow, the pressure is on. I might have to say so I can't wait here. What I have to say? I hope it's good. My name is Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. I remember the South Dixie group and I haven't found nice to have a drink in our advices January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and it's privilege to be here. There is the second talk and step series. My sponsor said to me when I first came into my first sponsor, you said. He said you got a lower your expectations on people. You you expect to my I said so some of you guys are expecting me to talk about the second stuff. Don't be doing that. Don't be I'm going to talk about whatever I'm with. You know my real keep, one of my mentors. You say, you know how people say you get what you need. You got what you get. You're going to get what you get, whatever this is. At these prices. Don't expect shits, you know, and now I don't want to get anybody upset. You know, and just don't need for you to get up set at the stuff I'll say. I'm I might say something that might upset you, you know, but it would be stupid really. I don't mean to upset people, it's just something that happens whenever I open my mouth, but it's the natural thing. It's not my fault and it's stupid to get upset about what I say because you'll be in the you'll get all upset, I'll be in the car. I'll say, why did I say that Shit, I'll change my mind or something like that, and I'm just gonna we're just going to burn an hour. Hopefully nobody will drink during the hour, and that'll be the IT and I'll fulfill my response consibility and we'll go from there and will do this thing. So I have found the same drink since I said January. Twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one them in my forty, first year, second year, I don't know. I'm I'm up there somewhere. You know I've been rocking the fourth dementia of whatever it is. You know my wife it's convinced. I think I finally hit emotional sobriety, but she said I'm just seeing oil. I she actually tested me. Some of you guys know this. This is not a story. You know, our stories disclosed in general way what you like. But happen? We like now and I like what we was like tell the stories, because you come in here and you don't really have a story. You know, it's not my fault, I'm not to blame. You don't understand. You know whatever that is, and and then you're very well defended. People can't tell you anything. You know and you know, and eventually you're sitting in the audience here, some guy talk and say to a man, that guy is fucking crazy and obviously to say shit, I was doing that last week, you know. And also you started getting the story and say, man, I did that, you know, I did that when I was drinking. I did that before I was drink and I did and you start getting a story about yourself to start learning about yourself. And first scrinthians thirteen, which is one of the books the founders suggest you read, although you won't hear about that in any a meetings because they're all prejudice against religion and Shit. You know, even though it says we have no prejudice, we lose it against organized religion. But in DOCR bottom good old time, it said the books we found absolutely essential, absolutely essential. First with the A thirty teen sermon on the Mountain Book of James, and first considered Corinthians Thirteen says. It says. When I was a child I spoke like a child. When I became a man, up a childish things away. So I like talking about emotional sobriety. You're probably won't talk a lot about drinking. You know, if you haven't figured out the drinking thing, just go out and drink until you figure it out. That's that's my idea of how you do the first step or drink and he you figure it out. Don't waste any time. You know, don't come into a premature my first mon set Never Robin Alt Balk of his desperation every alcohol hast that was last drink. You need to go out and get your last drink. See how it works. Yeah, you might die, but alcoholics pretty much a diamond, doesn't they're all over the place. It's common as dirt, you know, and am going to be any big deal, you know. Unfortunately. Hopefully won't take somebody with you like this guy was driving to corvette, you know what I mean, and kill these people and all that stuff. So in any event. So let's let's talk about it. So, Oh, first of all, I want to build on boards dual. See, I just blew your what's that? You're hand in him anything? Yeah, I just so forgive me for that. I'm not well, actually broken up about it, but I mean I've I met build two years ago. We've been on zoom together and he's one of my friends. went to we got a lot of people on zooms. I've been hanging out with for about two years and he came down for Jersey. I'm glad he's here and I see Greg's here. It's good, Sand Justine's here. It's going to cell right nine. I know so many people here this I've been doing this thing, steps series, for about, you know, every year for the last twenty years or so, twenty five years ear or at the twelve step room or something like that. I think I do more step series up in Palm Beach or West Pomp Beach, Palm Beach and Flathoria El than and they do in Miami. And so I've been doing this for a while. So I bunch people like sponsor and some grant sponse he's and it's good to see you guys. And and all sort stuff and and a resentment I've had. I mean, I just have to talk about this. It's not I don't want to embarrass...

...anybody hurt anybody, but I mean, I think I just have thought about this amongst my friends, a resentment I've had for close to twenty five years. Twenty five, twenty six years has actually I'm feeling a bit better now. I've gotten rid of it. I've gotten rid of it because of Greg from Toronto, WHO's here, and I want to ask you to stand up, Greg. You know what I mean because, quite frankly, I've gotten over my resentment against you. But it's not. I don't want you to think like I like you or give a shit. You know what I mean. I'm not going to give you any attention here. But twenty five years ago, this is a true story. Can make this shit out. Twenty five years ago I was speaking in a convention in Toronto and I was I don't know, was something morning speaker whatever. They about a thousand people who wants or something. What was that convention called Greg International and something, Ontario Regional Conference Convention. I was speaking up there and in Canada, you know, to this group of people and and I thought I was doing a pretty good job. I don't know. And they were all there and nobody left. They weren't throwing rocks or anything. And I was like when the will and doing my thing, and is like thousand and the bottom. And I I spoke for like an hour, you know, or for ours how many hours I spoke about and as I'm speaking to this group and I'm getting towards the end, I'm means three fronts, like about two minutes left, some guy gets up and leaves. Some guy in the back of the room gets up and Leagus. Now let me explain something to you. A regular person might not have noticed this, but we were an alcoholic. You notice fucking Shit like that. You notice shit like that. You know that's one of the by the way, is one of the consequences of it says unless and until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, and that were it's constant, their consequence of being an alcoholic drinking is bullshit. That's not even the problem. Drink is not even a problem. You're an alcohol drinks it do I mean it's a problem for a while and then you either die or go to jail for twenty or thirty years, or you know, are you coming here and you stop drinking? There's two rules and egg you guys have let know the two rules. You know will number one. In order to get here, you have to drink. You know that rule. Ye, drinking one together. Will number two. Once you get here, you're supposed to stop. That's like the second rule. So you know, the drinking is not a big deal. Everybody stopped drinking. It a they will stop thirty days, sixty days, five years, ten years, you know. So that's not the big deal. But the problem is that's just really a symptom of disease. The real disease centers in your mind, not your body, and has to do with the consequences of what means to be an alcoholic without the booze. The booze is just a medication. It's just a handy medication. blonds or medicate are the medication redheads, or the medication Corbetts, the medication money is the medication everything in this entire world. If you've ever said this word, if you ever said this statement, if only I had, that's that's same thing as booze. If only if you've ever will come him say I've only had more money, if only I lost forty pounds. Anything I happen to do with vanity. I only had a new of that blouse, if only I had miss, if I only had that, if I only had that thing that would change my life and and turn me into something that wasn't the worthless piece of Shit I am, I'd be okay, that's alcoholist, let's say. You know, and for me, women are what a woman? Let's the bottle of Scotch with legs. You know, my sponsor told me that our first day meeting. I said, look that blond in the front row. He said would use the drink? That said Scotch. He said, what kind of J and being says, to see that out for you, that's a bottle of Scotch with legs. And the bottom line is after you stop drinking, then you start dealing with all the other real stuff, the consequences. There are consequences to be an alcohol can you start learning about the consequences the way alcoholics learn about you start learning about how how incredibly, how much of a slave you are and a whore you are to the things of this world. You think, you think you can't stop drinking. That's your problem. You can't stop thinking, you can't stop every once in a while, you can't stop telling yourself you're worthless piece of Shit, because one of the things that you learn after about two or three years, four years or five years, are belong it is. Is that what call manager said, alcoholics, some men, women route destroy themselves. If you're an alcoholic, you have this intense feeling deep down the side of being worthless, not being sufficient, of having to always prove yourself or show off or have something, something other than you, who was a worthless piece of shit. Sometimes you actually say that to you. So you'll be minding your own business, driving a car Alston. You hear this voice and says...

...you're an Asshole, such a fucking Asshole, I'm such an Asshole, I'm never going to be okay, it's fucking bullshit. All the world fucking guys, and you turn around to see who's telling you that and you're the only one in the car. That's basically you. That's you telling you what you think about you. Now you can, if you're good alcoholic, you fig got ways to distract yourself. Go get laid or something, or you roll or flirt or turn on the TV or, you know, text, you know, or sex to whatever they do these whatever you do, some turn on you know, listen to music and do something, travel, move by a house, buy a blouse, whatever it is to some sort of somehow distract yourself, spend money. You don't have to buy shit. You don't need to impress people you don't like and make yourself feel better. How about this? Just gossom. Just go up to somebody in sit down and say you don't like at Franks an asshole. Yeah, he has an asshole. Just bout bad shit about other people behind their back and get somebody to the papal conversation with you. Because somehow, some way, for a broken personality that feels like shit about themselves, when I can talk shit about you, it makes me feel superior, makes me feel okay. And then you can spend the rest of life hating people and think a bad shit about everybody in the world. And you can do that and you can say, if only I was okay or I had this, I'd be okay, and not even realizing that, every time you say if only I had this, I'd be okay, you're really telling yourself. I'm just not okay and wondering why, even though you're not drinking, you feel like a piece of shit. So there are consequences being an alcoholic, and but it takes time to figure it out. Because now, how long did it take with the booze? I mean, I drank alcohol because no woman, no car note of no amatter of money ever worked just as fast as just a few drinks, and so I drank it. If if it worked for you the way it work for me when I was eighteen, nineteen, twenty years old, you'd be drinking it too. But can't do a point in my life, you know, after ten, fifteen years of drinking, where alcohol stop working for me. So I stopped drinking it. In the sad part about my life is alcohol stop working for me about ten years before before I realized the Stop working for me, I heard a lot of people. I hurt myself, but I heard a lot of people and I didn't know, and so I came here because I thought I had. I how many people came here because they're goingn't stop drinking? You can raise your hand and I'll be ten percent. Ten percent of people here came here because it didn't stop drinking. You know the rest. You know. Said my life is so shit I have nothing else to do him as we got alcoholics and I'm boring, you know, and so you know I couldn't stop drinking. I'd wake up a morning say I'm gonna have a drink today, but five o'clock I was drunk. I wake up when I sound like I buy booze. Today, by five o'clock I'm servant ship search up dimes, nickels and quarters the fire. Have Galbott GONALD DONALD OF COLLINS ROSSI CAn'te and sit by. Back then we had phonograph records, l piece they called them. You don't know what they and I sit by the phonograph record and I and I play the same song always, over and over again, you know, on an album, but I have to keep on lifting things all play the same one. It was the one, howkey song on the album. As always, you got to find hers out. He's a he's like only the lonely. I missed the blue ran this. I'm giving my age away, but not you know, rainy days and Monday's always get me down. Tuesday's Wednesday, so fucking Thursday. Say That good either? You know, and running on empty. You know, I mean you just I mean all those songs that I think about them Gals, you know, the ones that grip my heart out, the way they treated me. Might be drinking that I think about my funeral. If you think about the funeral, absolutely, I've looked the tragic life and I'd see all them gals showed up at the funeral. You're an alcohol you. I've a vivid fucking imagination. Yeah, you don't need to go to the bar any where. You got all your fucking imaginary friends there maybe a part. Yeah, you're laughing out of you don't know what it's like. You know, you got all those fucking friends and you're you're drinking and and I they were all crying. You know why they're crying? Don't you show them? Because the way they fucking treated me. On me I'd say cry Bitch, you deserve it, you know. And I wasn't actually dead. I just want you know. I was like hiding behind the tree. You know, it was because when you're an alcohol and your drinker, you know that kind of Shit happens. You know you do that kind of stuff. You know, if you have the kind of alcoholism I had. So in anyway, I got up the point because I want to, I really need to talk about what Greg did to me twenty five years ago, which I've never fucking forgotten.

It was it's seared my personality. Actually, you know, it's it's twenty things. So I'm speaking at the convention and and and everybody has joined Um. Get at the end and this one guy, like I said, he walks out. I'm looking because one of the consequences being an alcohol is you are very aware, if you're an alcohol of every fucking thing that's going on around you, because everything has to do with you and you and you also have the ability to read minds. It is true, because that guy all the way in the back of the room of the auditor and walked out and walk the door and I said, what the fuck did I say? I'm telling you, I mean you think it's funny, but I mean it was problem. Problem. His wife was probably given birth to triplets and he was mostly you know, who knows as it what the what the hell did I say? You know, I was like a little story looks, what the Hell does that? You know what I mean? And they're driving me to the airport and they're telling me what a great talk it was, how great I wasn't all I could think about it is that it has whole that rant of that of what the hell did I say? And Greg shows up and he says, you know, I don't even remember. I was at the International Regional Convention Twenty five years ago when you spoke and you changed my life. And I said you're the ASSHOLE who walked out. Where are the gonna? Walked out on me? I don't know, lose the guy? He probably is. You know, that's the deals. That's the deal. So okay. So I think I'm going to tell I want to tell you about the the you guys, you guys. Well, some of you guys heard about the alkie dog. I think I'm going to tell this group about the alky dog. You know, I think I'm going to tell the group. You know, we could should. You're about to have some fun and I aren't you. You don't really want to about the steps right, and let me just tell you that that stuff. And so I was driving down the street to say and I I see this guy soon in his front yard. He's got a sign talking dog ten dollars. So I stopped the car. You know, I got out of the car and I said you got a sign, talking dog, ten dollars as yeah, I said, you got a talking dog on self attend dogs. Yeah, absolutely. Listen. Okay, seems this is the back. Go there and talk to him. Look it in the back. So I walk around to the back and you know, and and this is SC of free little man role in the back. You know, it's old as Helen. I walk up them. I said you to talk, you the talking dogs as yeah, he says. You know. And I said, I can't believe you're talking. He says, yeah, I've been talking ever since I was I said it is amazing. I've never heard of it. Talking Dog. He says, yeah, I've been talking for twenty five years now. You know, he says. He says, I used to. You know, I've never heard of you or he's yeah, it was. It hasn't really been public. He says I was. I worked from the CIA for about ten years in Moscow and my owner was was high up in the polar buro and I used to go to all the meetings that the Kremlent with him and you know, nobody suspected me of anything because I'm a dog, but I would listen to all the secret shit and everything like that and bring it back to my handler in the CIA and I they debrief me and I did that for ten years. And after about ten years, then my my owner died and they brought me back. Every patriot of being brought me back to the states and I actually retired from CEI and I start working from non Santo in and Industrial Espion, and then take me over to Dow and they take me out of Du Pont and I listed all the all the all the all the the deal, all the you know, the board meanings everything and all the secrets and what they're doing. And then they and you know. Then I go back to Mon Santo and I tell him all the seacers I did for I about ten, fifteen years and then I retired and you know. So now I'm retired. I don't do that stuff anyway. I says this is like amazing, you ought to make a movie. Says, you know that they're actually making a movie. The right and the screen pay lay and they're going to have a movie about me and all sort of stuff. He says, well, this you don't know me, but I have. I have a house right down the street. I got like I got like seven grandkids, you know, and I got two dogs now. But I mean, you'd love it over there and I'm going to talk to your owner bed, you know, purchasing you. If that uses yeah, that's no problem. I'm happy, no problem, doesn't matter me, you know. So I go up and I say that the guy I said, I mean I was just talking to your dog days as yell. He says, so, how much you want for me? He says ten bucks, just like Sun says. I said ten bucks,...

...ten bucks for talking doll he says, yeah, ten bucks is how can you so? How can you sold talking dog for ten dollars? He says, he's a fucking liar. Didn't do any of that Shit. You know, I was. It treated me better in Toronto, you know, and I sat so one day when I was thirty one years old, and I happen to be all these consequences of alcoholism. Telling Yourself, what's that like? Telling yourself all the time that you don't give a shit what people think about you. When you think of they think a bit shit about you. So you do. You're worried about what you said and what you did, what they're thinking about you, because you know they're all thinking about you. And what do you tell yourself? I don't really give a fuck what they think about me, because that you say. But of course the truth is your entire life, or you do, is think about what other people are think about that's a shitty life, isn't it? That's got the Shitty. It's got to be shitty. But you were doing that when you're eight years old. You're doing that in fucking second grade, you're doing that in high school, thinking about what people think. You had a shitty life. And I see you had a shitty life. Your life is always been shit. You've been an Alcoholcke Hey, you were probably an alcoholic before you started drinking. As about fact, I'll bet you'd start us. I believe what I think. I'll bet one of the reasons you like drinking is because you wouldn't then you wouldn't think the Shitty Shit you thought. I'll bet you felt better drinking then sober. I'll bet sober you felt like shit. You probably worried about yourself and what people thought about you. And keep on tell what kind of life can you have when your whole life is. If only this, if only that. You know when you're chasing all you guys, when you're chasing gals all over the place. I was allowing Lizard on one in which you had out was one to go to any length to get it too, and I you know when you're when you really have to go in out there and grab something to get something or have something to prove your man or you're okay, whatever it is. And you don't really think you have a Shitty life because your alcoholic life seems the only normal one to you, because you've always thought the way you thought. You don't know of any other way of thinking. you think everybody else thinks like you could in one sense. You know what I mean. And so I mean that's just the way you think. You can't separate the truth from the false. Your alcoholic life seems the only normal one, and that's the way you think before you even started drinking. And then you were thinking that way while you were drinking, you know. And then you stop drinking and here's the problem. You still thinking that way. And so you get rid of the drinking, but you can't get rid of the thing. It's still the if only and the yes, butter and I you know, you don't understand or it's still the same bullshit. Still the same bullshit you were doing when you're ten years old, fifteen years old, twenty years old, same crap, you know, thinking about yourself all the time. FIFTEENZERO voices in your mind, all same bad shit up to you about yourself, Dad Shit to you about your life, you know what I mean. And now, and you used to be able to drink that shit away. You know what I mean. You got used to be able to drink that shit away, and now you can't even drink that shit away. Now you got to go out and bankrupt yourself and spending money in buying shit to proove to yourself you're not an asshole, and you got a gossip about people. You got to do all sorts of stupid shit. You know, then you feel so lonely. You can't have a decent relationship with anybody because you know, what are you going to talk to him about? You know you're I can talk about it. What's really going on? Because you know you're not going to tell you group what's really going on. You're not going to tell anybody what's really going on, because then they well, you can tell you know, not that to give a shit what they think about you know what I mean. But you got to hide all that Shit and you can't even tell them anyway because you don't even know what the Hell's going on. That's the real truth. The truth is you don't even know what's going on. So what do you got to tell them? You have no idea why you're so fucked up. You don't have a clue is to why you think the way you did. My sponsor said to me after I got so recist. Why do you say this Shit you say? Why do you do the stuff you do? Why do you think the way you think? So I said to myself, well, that's just my personality. I sort of like my precise is Russell. Your personality is killing you. So that's listen, I know, I understand about the drinking thing. I get rid of the drinking, but how do you get rid of your personality? I mean I've had my personalities. Is, you know, like my mother say, why can't you be like your brother Gary? How to fuck do you do that? You know what I mean. How do you do how do you be like somebody else and all of a sudden. You read this book and it says you got to have a psychic change, you got...

...to be reborn, become a different human being. It says the psychic change is a personality change where ideas, emotions and attitudes that have guiding forces of your life are shifted to one side. You become dominated on on the set of ideas, emotions and attitudes. I mean, how do you make that switch? A route? Okay, big shot, I'm you can stop drinking. How do you switch a rum from being a mental basket case? You know that. And how do you even know what the problem it said the but I said, I'm let's rise is selfish, selfcenter. You're selfish and self centered and you're driven by a hundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, selfseeking. You step on toes of others. They retaliate seemingly without provacation. But you learned that. You've done made decisions in the past, selfish decision the past, that put you uni position to be heard. So you're sell far more and riot, but you usually don't think so. I ask my sponsor what is that mean? He says you know, you a shit about anybody except yourself. I said, I like the way they put it in the book better and I don't like. What are you? Would you know? And and how do you do that? When you don't think you're selfish? You think you're basically a good guy, you think you're basically a nice guy, and the book is to only your real promise your side. You must above right that. You must get rid of it. God. Next, above everything, we must get rid of this selfish. This we must kills us. That's the real disease. That's after you get rid of the the set. That the symptom of the drinking. That's after you got rid of the medication. Your real problem is your selfish, yourself centered, your delusional. You can't you know what delusional means. What it means is you have no idea what's really going on the planet earth. You see things, you think things. They're all wrong. They're all wrong, and so and then it causes you to have and then you have these emotions and these feelings. Want to get touched with your feel your feelings are more important than anything in the world. All you want to do is talk to me about your feelings. You know, you want to find your inner child. If you're fond of slap the shit out of and tell them to shut the fuck up. He's been getting you in trouble walls all your life, you know. I know. And they all messed up by your feelings and you start thinking you're making money or you got a girlfriend or whatever, hell, a boyfriend, whatever it is, or not, and you start thinking you're okay because of all the stuff you have and and you're just up. It's just waiting to lose it or get divorced or screw that up. You know, because that's with alcoholics do. We just screw up the perfect we get all the stuff together. Oh, why can't? If I only had a home, if only had a home, you know, all my friends have homes out of you had a home. You got kicked out of it. Don't you remember? If I only had a girl, you had a girl. If I only had a cart, you had a car. Off Only had a job, you had a job. I finally had money, you had money. You know. If I've only lost fifty pounds, you would lost fifty pounds. If I only went to the Jeff. You had that two, couldn't? You couldn't. You couldn't keep something. You couldn't keep a decent life, stout if you wanted to, because you're a goof. Like John Wayne says, life is tough and if you're stupid it's even tougher. You know what I mean. And you are a smart person who thinks you're smart and you're stupid. You do stupid shit and it's all self destructive and you have don't idea what the hell I'm talking about. And so you get into this deal and so now you stop drinking and you're insane. You're insane. We discussed this last week. You're insane because, well, the book says you're insane. Not Listen, the stuff I'm talking about now, stuff I've learned over forty years past of my own personal experience with me. Does it have to be with you? You could be the exception to the rule. You know, you could be the exception. It could be over. I could be all wrong about this, you know, but I've you know, when a man with experience beat to man with money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and the man with the money will walk away with an experience. And you can tell me what you think, but I'll tell you what. All I can tell is this I've been in the jungle. You know. I'm married forty years, raised four kids, seven grandkids, one more on the way, self supporting through my own I've done the cancer twice. I've gone over the bullshit, the bankruptcies, the low money, the whole bullshit. I've done the life thing. You know what I mean. Not Drinking as an alcoholic, fucking crazy as a little you know what I mean. I I know the deal. You understand. I've been there, done that, figured it out. You know what it says in the big but I've read all the material. You know what I mean. I've hit the bottom. That's I've been crushed. How we get a new perspective? By repeated humiliation and the final crushing of our self sufficiently selfsufficiency. That's how you forget to sing out. You get crushed tenzero times over ten years, and then you're broke again for the ten million time. You know I mean, say what is wrong with me? And all of a sudden your sponsor says, well, you know, when you spend more many money than you made, you go in today you say shit. I know that.

You know you learn Shit. You know what I mean. You just do you think alcoholism is the drinking is the least of your problems. You can't even spend money or not spend money. You can't even you can't do nothing in any type of normal, decent, healthy go Wilson said, the real problem alcoholics is on healthy dependencies. You are so dependent on every you are like a please love me, a haulic. Don't reject me. A haulic, how can I fit into the group of Halo? I'm so lonely. You're intensional haul you got so many haulick things going on. Then you don't even know about it. And this is how you learn. You learn by going through life sober, getting the shit knocked out of you at the highs, the lows, the highs, and that you're up your town. You're up, you're down, you're up, you're done. That's like the first hour. You know what I mean? You're so goes on fronten years. What's wrong with me? You know, you go to some doctor. You know, doctor, I can't sleep, worried, I manage just whatever it is. He said. Oh, yeah, I understand, he says. Well, here he's the doctor. So who's going to help you out? Because there averything he learned the medical school with big farming. said. He says here, take take two of these a day, to suck on these. You'll be okay, you know. Thank you very much, doctor. You must know. He's a doctor, you know, and you see what he's let me tell you what. Let me translate, but he just told you into hol key English. Show. What he's basically saying is, listen, I have no idea what the fuck is wrong, but why don't you chew on this shit so I chew on these things so I can deal with someone who has a real fucking problem. You know what I mean, because you're like a goof. You know what I mean. It's will calm your ass, dad. There ain't no pill that's going to give you integrity that's going to turn you into a fucking thinking human being and a grown up. The sixth step, and you start doing the sixth step, which most people don't do. Yeah, they don't do it. There ain't no sixte then let me tell you. Six step is the step that separates the men with the boys. You know what that means? You know that. No, listen, this is advanced A. I'm giving you advanced a a shit like I'll give you some let me give you some advance ship that you won't hear it Metis the second step. That says we've come to believe that a higher power restore us to sanity with it's really telling you is you're insane, because only insane people have to be restored to sanity, if you understand. But they when you're an alcohol and you're defiant and you're sensitive, but you're not sensitive. Great artists as sets if you're touching. So you can't say to an alcoholic you're fucking insane. Your one dumb or, like my spots used to say, you know as much about life for us as a dog knows about it. Fuck you wise is father, your sponsor, consaytion like that to you and you can get away with it, sort of, but you know they don't tell you. You say you're an alcoholic and suck your powers over alcohol. Your lives unmagical. You've gone through, you've gotten through repeated you with me humiliations, the final crushing of her self sufficiency. So you've become entirely ready to have somebody or something outside yourself re stop you from drinking, and tirely ready to stop drinking. You've become tightly ready to do that? Okay, Ye have put together the God thing yet, but you know you can't stop in your palace over and not everybody comes today. Is that like that? There's a step before the steps, the step of the for the steps, and we be read. It says, if you want what we have and you and you go to any length together, and then you're ready to take certain steps. Does everything understand? How that's the step before the steps. There's there's a prerequisite. You know what I was going to college. If you wanted to take trigonometry, you have to take Alge of her first. If you want to take I get up. You want to calculus, you had to take you know, you had to you had to take GM extra algibar. You know you got you had to do do different things to get to different places. The RIP. The prerequisite to take the steps is if you want what we have, whatever you think we have, and you will we go to a length to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. Not Everybody comes here wants what we have. Some people want what they used to have. You know, there's a difference between wanting what we have and wanting what you had, because if you want what you had. Then as soon as you get what you had, you're gone. The girls back, the guy's back, the romance you got that things look good. You get two wells and fast you get the money back. No need to hang around a a because you don't want who he had. You don't want the God. Then you don't want an you don't even, but you want to some. You can't even see what we have. You can't understand why people go to I've got the money back, I'm doing okay. So you're gone because you don't want we have, because you don't even.

You don't even have a we is nobody in here that has what you want, because you're cool and this is a very uncool place to be. And what you wanted to be hip, slick and cool. And that's the deal. And the bottom line is, if you're a not Auson hoymously, you want to grow up and become a man and grow the fuck up, you're gonna have to make a choice between God and cool, because God is either everything or is nothing. He's out of the easy either everything he's not, then. I mean, that's what says the Dick. I'm just talk quoting all I'm doing is quoting scripture. You know, he's everything or he's nothing, by the way, as position is, he's everything, and guess you have figured it out. You know, and you know that that thinking about God. You know, utterly abandoning yourself to God. You understand that making a sincere decision for God. Never apologize for God, having a life being a lot. You know that having your life based on God. You know that making a decision for God and that what they say, he'll give you everything if they need if you stay closer and perform as well work. Well, you understand what I'm saying, and his work is to help other people. You understand. You understand all that God crap where it says but we won't know you. Well, that's okay, but you real realize has to be on God. You know he will show you how to even create the fellowship you crave, the God fellowship you crave. You know there's no middle of the road solution, half measure of value, nothing. You know. The great fact is this, and nothing less. If you want to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much of Heaven and lose all fear of people and of Economics, r the great facts is this and nothing less, that God has to become the central fact of your life and be convinced that lives in your heart and mind, which is the day, but in a in a way that's miraculous, and do it for you what you can't do it for yourself, and changing you into a whole other human being. You understand that that is totally uncool to the outside world. You understand you can't have it both you. It's half insures that you can't. You can't love God. You can't have God in them you can have you can't love God in cash. You can't love God and Pussy. You can't love God. You got to make a choice. You understand that. If you go out there and you start to or even, how about this, even in Aa, you understand if you talk the way I taught, people are going to turn you off. You know I consist chapter to the agnostics. You know what, the chapter of Gnostic Sis, of the mere code of morals or better philoshy of life, would help us. We've been fine long time, but never helped us because we lack the power. We lack the power to be fucking adults. You don't have the power to be an adult. The truth. You can handle the truth. You don't have the power to be a decent fucking human being. You will fuck this thing up all the time because all you give a shit about it yourself and nobody else, and you don't even understand that you don't have the power. There is one who has all power. There's one, not fifty one, not two thousand and ten, there's one. May you find him now. You know that's there's one. That's you understand that. You understand that's AA. They read it every needing. Nobody fucking believes it. They don't believe. They can do half measures or you know I mean, just don't be like Russell. He's fucking nuts. You know, they're all worried about talking about God. HP. I got my HP, or, you know, anything but God, because anything to water it down so nobody thinks that you're really believe this shit. How can I be an AA and so that nobody really knows? I'm an ay or I don't sound crazy like Russell smacks. The book says we never apologize for God, but whenever we talk about says, I'm sorry to mention the God thing, we apologize for him. Because we're ashamed, because the truth is, all we give a shit is about what other people think about us, even though we don't give a shit with other people think about us, and we know that other people will, we talk about God there, roll their eyes or they'll laugh at us, and God forbid, the worst than it can happen to a person who's totally insufficient or feels insufficient is that people treat him like he's totally insufficient. We don't have an EGO problem. We don't have any fucking e though. We have nothing. That was my problem. I was a nothing. I was always going to be a nothing. I was that nothing, butter nothing. I used to put something in my body and I became an almost when you're when you're nothing, almost as top of the fuck them word, top of the world. And we don't even understand this shit. We don't know any of this shit that I'm saying right now. And we sit in me meetings and we say, listen to people. If anybody talks about you, guys say, man, this is asshole, you know, and we say things like I'm spiritual, not religious, to prove that we're better than religious people. We're better than those people. That we don't like people to go to church because you know something there holly, than now this selfrighteous and we become the most selfrighteous...

...pricks in the world. I'm spiritual, not religious. Really. Well, that's not the disease I have. I'm a I'm a material son of a bitch. You take me out of these meetings, take me away with my sponsor, you take me away from my Bible Study, My church, whatever it is, and you don't some I turn into. Give me that. If only this, if only that. I turned into a selfish monster. You know, the one thing that this is given me as told me exactly. I've never forgotten who I was before God came into my life. If there's anything about me that is in any way attractive, maybe say, man, this guy's fucking nuts, but I'll tell you. How do you do that? How do you talk like that to people and in a room? I don't have the fucking balls to do that Shit. And you don't have the balls do that shit because you're a scared little boy and a little girl, because all you do is give a shit about what other people think about you. You don't have the balls and you'll never have to book don't ever think if you're worried about God and people think you know about God and you don't make a choice about it, don't ever think you will ever get that problem. That your little fear of people in that economic insecurity, you will net. You will always be scared about what other people think, because you wanted someone is linked to the other. Says so on the big book says so. You says you want true independence from things. You got to be totally depend upon God, the central fact your life. This, but you'll make believe that doesn't say any that Shit. You'll be say stupid thing like will you work your program and I'll work mine? Problem like this steen, different program yeah, yeah, there's programs for people that want to do half measures. Don't want to do this. It's like a life. It's been around for years. That's why, that's why. The one thing that so, the one thing you know, and the second step is that you're insane. When I have a sponse and I'm talking to him and sometimes you'll be talking to me, let me tell you something. I can always don't want to sponsor's in trouble. He starts off, I say, and I've been thinking, says I've been thinking. Say, Whoa, this is no, I got no, no, no, you're going to start talking about what you've been thinking about, right, yeah, this is listen, I'm a little scared because this disease may be contagious and I've been doing everything I can to avoid thinking, and if I was to what you've been thinking, I may start thinking about it and I don't want to really catch this shit again. You know what I mean. So let me do it. Let's do it this way. Okay, you've got like two years, right, and you've been thinking. Let me guess, you're going to tell me you've been thinking about some and it's driving you crazy. He said, yeah, how'd you know? I said, I know, I know it's and that because you're fucking insane. If you don't know, you're insane. So anything you think about is going to drive you nuts. Okay, okay, so I got forty one years. Forty years. Okay, I got forty years. Okay, you've got two years and you're going nuts. So whose brain do you want to use on this? I think I'd rather to use your brain. I said, Hey, that's that's a smart deal. I think that's let's use my brain, you know, and so then I then we still. Then we can discuss sober things, you know, and not crazy shit, not your problems, because you don't even know what your problem is. You think you have problems. You don't even have a problem. So so let's just hear some but weren't advanced shit, you know, like the six step. Is the step? Look it up, I'm not sure. Is this step that separates the men from the boys, the girls from the women. So what do you want to be? You want to be a man or you want to be a boy? One to be a man, or do you want to be a boy? Six step says that. You know what the six step says. This is advanced AA. Now it says in Aa there are two groups of people. There are men and there are boys, there are women and there are girls. That's what it says. You understand that, don't you? Now there are people here that says I don't believe that at all. And the people that say I believe that they say that because they're thinking about it and they're fucking delusional, because they have what's called magical thinking. You can tell them that God has to become the central factor of life because that's what says the big book, and they'll say that's not what it says. You can tell them you got to lose prejudice against organized religion. We lose prejudice. You know what, I might hear one more guy put down the Catholic Church, and I'm not Catholic. I don't care. I mean all we have is people in who were wounded or the one thing I know about chapter agnostic says. It says this sort of thinking must be abandoned. I can always someone, somebody's not really sober when they start putting down religious people when in a big book it says we encourage Church membership. We encourage us. Most of US belong to such organizations. Bill Wilson did, Dr Bob did, they all did, except for built Jim Borow, who was an atheist. You know which they say you got go with. Who is an atheist? By the way, a a takes the...

...sign, takes the side of the deal that says atheism is bad, not good. Read Dr Bob, the good old timers read chapter to the agnostics. Reach Dr Bottom. The good old timers read the last paragraph. You're an atheist or Knox agnostic. I've some other intellectual pride that keeps you from understanding this. I feel sorry for you. I pity you. You're heavenly father will never get let you down. How do you read Shit like that? We lose prejudice against organized religion. Most of our beds members are. How do you read that and actually come to the thinking, which is most days, come to thinking that agnosticism and atheism is okay? There is a difference between understanding that it's a spiritual kindergarten and that most people you know don't want to hear that. It's a difference between it's a spiritual kindergarten and think that that's okay at ten fucking years or fifteen or twenty years. That's not a it's something. It's something, but it's not a it's a PSEUDOA, it's a kind of A. It's an AA where you don't really want to do a me. You see, alcoholics are great. One of the consequences of that, an alcohol is when somebody says something to you that you don't like, it confuses you, you may you make it go away. You just hate the person you say stupid, because if he's not stupid, if you can make it a long way. You might have to do it. And so you wander around sober ten years, picking up ten minute year of medallion's, fifteen year, medallions, twenty medallions, you know, on your fourth marriage, feeling crappy about yourself. All such a craft going on, not understanding and you're not happy with your sobriety. Here and then once in a while performer drain con will say feel better, look better, having a better time. We we laugh. It's your selling. You know you'll try the old game again because he's not happy with his sobriet. Soon he will know loneless is you do I mean there are, there are consequences to words. You can't make believe. Words you can't make believe that words do not do not exist, or they mean something other than they mean, just so you don't have to do them. And nobody time. I know, I understand, I know, I'm it sounds like a rough I know you don't hear this shit. It a means. I get it. It's okay, won't kill you. You know. I mean you're pretty much fucked. You understand that? No, I mean you are. You know, even though once you hate me, because you know you hate me you don't, I hate me. If you don't like me or you think it's bullshit, because you've been listening to me. So you're fucked. Because the problem is, unless you're constantly and capable of being honest with yourself, you may listen to me and you may reject everything I say, but you're going to go out there and try to stay sober and one day, on your when you're when you're coming back again for the fourteen time or you feel like Shit, you're remember every fucking thing I say because the truth, you can him the truth, and one day you're going to say what people say. I used to hate you, but now I love you, because the truth stands on its own and you know how you think and you know how you are and you know what's going on and the real then want to hear a message of weight and death, not bullshit to make you feel good so you can go on with your stupid lives, doing stupid shit over and over again and not being disciplined and not growing the hell up. You know, because this is the this is something for grown ups. So you got a choice, the men of the boys, women of the girls, you know. That's why only one a half of one percent stay sober over twenty years. You hang out, you're long enough, you seem to drink at five years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty years, seems start popping pills and zaducts and all that sort of Shit. You know what I mean. You know, like this is some sort of like valuing deficiency deal. You know, you see you see him bathing and smaybeing and whatever hell they're doing, you know, and just doing anything they can, brankrupt themselves, screwinging relationships, just you know, they're not drinking. You know, and you just doing all sorts of Carbo things in your life, you know, because they can't arrest hey, listen, you get away with bullshit for a long time. They can't arrested for drama. Will being an asshole. You me. Yeah, I know. Really it's the drinking. So you come in here if you're in here to only stop drinking, you will eventually drink. If you're not here to grow the Hell Up, you will eventually and you will become in the next five or ten years. The people you hang out with and listen to in the books you read and the books you read will depend upon who you hang out with. It's as simple as that. So don't ever say, don't ever say that you never heard this shit. Don't ever make believe that you did a a and you did the whole thing if you're doing everything and it didn't work for you, if it doesn't work, because that's a lie. If you'll be lying, you just just telling the truth. You came...

...to day a and you didn't really do it. You just sat in the chair and you drank coffee and, you know, at a good time. It was almost like sitting in the bar, except instead of drinking scotch, drinking coffee and looking at the blonde in the front row or smoking cigarettes on the outside or doing what you did when you were in drinking your alcohol. Life seems the only normally. You know, that's the deal. Now, I understand, I get it. I understand. You can call me on this, that when they say in the big book we encourage, these are the founders, the founders that listening they say we encourage USAID found this bottom Bob and the build and Bill Wilson. We encourage church membership, but it's not obligatory. Understand. You could say, well, that's optional. You're absolutely right. It's option. Let me ask you this. Think about this. Why do you think they put it in the big boat? Anything that that? Why do you think it's optional? Why do you think they put in the big book? We encourage church membership. Why do you think they put in the big book? Really, ever seen a person Phil who has thoroughly followed our path, their path? You want to read what the Path is. We talked about the good old times, that the books they found absolutely central were first with these thirteen. Some of them mount the book of James. I don't know what their path was. Most of them belong to religious are to say, why do you think you put in the big book? Because that's what they did. Do you want what they had? Do you really want to do this thing thoroughly, or do you want to do half measures? So here's the deal. There's a lot of extra credit in the big book. There's a lot of stuff about sponsoring. There's there you can. You can sponsor people. Are you can not sponsor people. You can be sponsored. To have a serious relationship with a sponsor and who you sponsor, you know whose sponsors you, is going to have a lot to do with what you become. You can even do that or not do that. You can get involved in service and not get involved service. You could do this any way you want. Let me tell you something. It's just like the Olympics. The prize goes so the guy who's doing the extra credit things didn't rock it for me until I got involved in doing the shit. To listen, to get the shit that most people will to to get the things in your life and the change in life that most people will never experience, you need to be prepared to do shit that most people never do, to do the stuff and this thing to be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, the loose fear of people in of economic security, to get the promises, you better be prepared to do the shit that most people are laughing at or mocking or rolling their eyes at because they don't want to do it. And you know why don't want to do it? Because it says it in chapter the exhausted, because as soon as we mention God, the hackles in that stand up was alcoholics. A consequence of being an alcoholic, is a consequence of the disease of alcoholism. Is You hate the idea of God. I don't give a shit with because you know you didn't like some Catholic priest or. Your parts pushed it on you or you would would some legalist that said. You know, I mean, I don't give a shit why you hate or God, but the bottom line is is that alcoholics hate the idea of the God thing. It says the big book. It says soon as you mention God they hate it. That's a sign, that's a symptom, that's a sign that's consequence of the disease. That's not a consequence of being that's not a sign of being well. That's just the more you hate the idea of God and hate people that talk about God, the more it proves how sick you are and that you're not emotionally sober. You do understand that in the big book. But they talked about people that Hate God and having Timothy to God. They're talking about people that are not sober, that are not well, and there's more of them in a a then there are more people that make God the central fact their life. That's just a fact alife. You know you've been they means. What do you think? The percentages? Think it's seventy, thirty eight, twenty one, ninety and ten. I would when you think are you know do that dealt ninety five five percent? I have my own ideas about that because I've been around for a while. How many people are willing to go down this road listen to this stuff? The interesting thing I find, and this is just some of them, find him to close it out, because I wouldn't a little bit over, is I just do that in the bar used to I'd still be married in my first wife if I get home on time. I used to go a little bit over with the drinking. Like I'm walking and fourth I've walked into thirty in the afternoon and I and I walk at thirty in the morning. I could be in a bar for twelve hours without without any question.

But after I got sober, you'd be surprised and incredibly sharp. I got it realize and when the guys talking more than three minutes over to me, really that's when I got really responsible. You know what I mean? Guys can talk about God for an hour. I'm getting the fuck out of here and I got things to do in my life. You know, I'll just messing with you. You know. By the way, if you're disturbed, remember the spiritual actea. Whenever you. This doesn't matter. What the cause is. Something wrong with you. So figure that out and I'm like giving you a spiritual in Myri I. You know that's so. I don't know. I'm I can keep you anymore. God bless you. I.

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