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AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 1 month ago

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Life Is Good Group 11/04/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 2 at the Life is Good Group, Boca Raton, FL 11/04/2021

Wow, the pressure is on.I might have to say so I can't wait here. What I have tosay? I hope it's good. My name is Russell spats. I'm analcoholic. I remember the South Dixie group and I haven't found nice to havea drink in our advices January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one, and it's privilege to be here. There is the second talk and stepseries. My sponsor said to me when I first came into my firstsponsor, you said. He said you got a lower your expectations on people. You you expect to my I said so some of you guys are expectingme to talk about the second stuff. Don't be doing that. Don't beI'm going to talk about whatever I'm with. You know my real keep, oneof my mentors. You say, you know how people say you getwhat you need. You got what you get. You're going to get whatyou get, whatever this is. At these prices. Don't expect shits,you know, and now I don't want to get anybody upset. You know, and just don't need for you to get up set at the stuff I'llsay. I'm I might say something that might upset you, you know,but it would be stupid really. I don't mean to upset people, it'sjust something that happens whenever I open my mouth, but it's the natural thing. It's not my fault and it's stupid to get upset about what I saybecause you'll be in the you'll get all upset, I'll be in the car. I'll say, why did I say that Shit, I'll change my mindor something like that, and I'm just gonna we're just going to burn anhour. Hopefully nobody will drink during the hour, and that'll be the ITand I'll fulfill my response consibility and we'll go from there and will do thisthing. So I have found the same drink since I said January. Twentytwo, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one them in my forty, firstyear, second year, I don't know. I'm I'm up there somewhere. Youknow I've been rocking the fourth dementia of whatever it is. You knowmy wife it's convinced. I think I finally hit emotional sobriety, but shesaid I'm just seeing oil. I she actually tested me. Some of youguys know this. This is not a story. You know, our storiesdisclosed in general way what you like. But happen? We like now andI like what we was like tell the stories, because you come in hereand you don't really have a story. You know, it's not my fault, I'm not to blame. You don't understand. You know whatever that is, and and then you're very well defended. People can't tell you anything. Youknow and you know, and eventually you're sitting in the audience here,some guy talk and say to a man, that guy is fucking crazy and obviouslyto say shit, I was doing that last week, you know.And also you started getting the story and say, man, I did that, you know, I did that when I was drinking. I did thatbefore I was drink and I did and you start getting a story about yourselfto start learning about yourself. And first scrinthians thirteen, which is one ofthe books the founders suggest you read, although you won't hear about that inany a meetings because they're all prejudice against religion and Shit. You know,even though it says we have no prejudice, we lose it against organized religion.But in DOCR bottom good old time, it said the books we found absolutelyessential, absolutely essential. First with the A thirty teen sermon on theMountain Book of James, and first considered Corinthians Thirteen says. It says.When I was a child I spoke like a child. When I became aman, up a childish things away. So I like talking about emotional sobriety. You're probably won't talk a lot about drinking. You know, if youhaven't figured out the drinking thing, just go out and drink until you figureit out. That's that's my idea of how you do the first step ordrink and he you figure it out. Don't waste any time. You know, don't come into a premature my first mon set Never Robin Alt Balk ofhis desperation every alcohol hast that was last drink. You need to go outand get your last drink. See how it works. Yeah, you mightdie, but alcoholics pretty much a diamond, doesn't they're all over the place.It's common as dirt, you know, and am going to be any bigdeal, you know. Unfortunately. Hopefully won't take somebody with you likethis guy was driving to corvette, you know what I mean, and killthese people and all that stuff. So in any event. So let's let'stalk about it. So, Oh, first of all, I want tobuild on boards dual. See, I just blew your what's that? You'rehand in him anything? Yeah, I just so forgive me for that.I'm not well, actually broken up about it, but I mean I've Imet build two years ago. We've been on zoom together and he's one ofmy friends. went to we got a lot of people on zooms. I'vebeen hanging out with for about two years and he came down for Jersey.I'm glad he's here and I see Greg's here. It's good, Sand Justine'shere. It's going to cell right nine. I know so many people here thisI've been doing this thing, steps series, for about, you know, every year for the last twenty years or so, twenty five years earor at the twelve step room or something like that. I think I domore step series up in Palm Beach or West Pomp Beach, Palm Beach andFlathoria El than and they do in Miami. And so I've been doing this fora while. So I bunch people like sponsor and some grant sponse he'sand it's good to see you guys. And and all sort stuff and anda resentment I've had. I mean, I just have to talk about this. It's not I don't want to embarrass...

...anybody hurt anybody, but I mean, I think I just have thought about this amongst my friends, a resentmentI've had for close to twenty five years. Twenty five, twenty six years hasactually I'm feeling a bit better now. I've gotten rid of it. I'vegotten rid of it because of Greg from Toronto, WHO's here, andI want to ask you to stand up, Greg. You know what I meanbecause, quite frankly, I've gotten over my resentment against you. Butit's not. I don't want you to think like I like you or givea shit. You know what I mean. I'm not going to give you anyattention here. But twenty five years ago, this is a true story. Can make this shit out. Twenty five years ago I was speaking ina convention in Toronto and I was I don't know, was something morning speakerwhatever. They about a thousand people who wants or something. What was thatconvention called Greg International and something, Ontario Regional Conference Convention. I was speakingup there and in Canada, you know, to this group of people and andI thought I was doing a pretty good job. I don't know.And they were all there and nobody left. They weren't throwing rocks or anything.And I was like when the will and doing my thing, and islike thousand and the bottom. And I I spoke for like an hour,you know, or for ours how many hours I spoke about and as I'mspeaking to this group and I'm getting towards the end, I'm means three fronts, like about two minutes left, some guy gets up and leaves. Someguy in the back of the room gets up and Leagus. Now let meexplain something to you. A regular person might not have noticed this, butwe were an alcoholic. You notice fucking Shit like that. You notice shitlike that. You know that's one of the by the way, is oneof the consequences of it says unless and until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism andall its consequences, and that were it's constant, their consequence of being analcoholic drinking is bullshit. That's not even the problem. Drink is not evena problem. You're an alcohol drinks it do I mean it's a problem fora while and then you either die or go to jail for twenty or thirtyyears, or you know, are you coming here and you stop drinking?There's two rules and egg you guys have let know the two rules. Youknow will number one. In order to get here, you have to drink. You know that rule. Ye, drinking one together. Will number two. Once you get here, you're supposed to stop. That's like the secondrule. So you know, the drinking is not a big deal. Everybodystopped drinking. It a they will stop thirty days, sixty days, fiveyears, ten years, you know. So that's not the big deal.But the problem is that's just really a symptom of disease. The real diseasecenters in your mind, not your body, and has to do with the consequencesof what means to be an alcoholic without the booze. The booze isjust a medication. It's just a handy medication. blonds or medicate are themedication redheads, or the medication Corbetts, the medication money is the medication everythingin this entire world. If you've ever said this word, if you eversaid this statement, if only I had, that's that's same thing as booze.If only if you've ever will come him say I've only had more money, if only I lost forty pounds. Anything I happen to do with vanity. I only had a new of that blouse, if only I had miss, if I only had that, if I only had that thing that wouldchange my life and and turn me into something that wasn't the worthless piece ofShit I am, I'd be okay, that's alcoholist, let's say. Youknow, and for me, women are what a woman? Let's the bottleof Scotch with legs. You know, my sponsor told me that our firstday meeting. I said, look that blond in the front row. Hesaid would use the drink? That said Scotch. He said, what kindof J and being says, to see that out for you, that's abottle of Scotch with legs. And the bottom line is after you stop drinking, then you start dealing with all the other real stuff, the consequences.There are consequences to be an alcohol can you start learning about the consequences theway alcoholics learn about you start learning about how how incredibly, how much ofa slave you are and a whore you are to the things of this world. You think, you think you can't stop drinking. That's your problem.You can't stop thinking, you can't stop every once in a while, youcan't stop telling yourself you're worthless piece of Shit, because one of the thingsthat you learn after about two or three years, four years or five years, are belong it is. Is that what call manager said, alcoholics,some men, women route destroy themselves. If you're an alcoholic, you havethis intense feeling deep down the side of being worthless, not being sufficient,of having to always prove yourself or show off or have something, something otherthan you, who was a worthless piece of shit. Sometimes you actually saythat to you. So you'll be minding your own business, driving a carAlston. You hear this voice and says...

...you're an Asshole, such a fuckingAsshole, I'm such an Asshole, I'm never going to be okay, it'sfucking bullshit. All the world fucking guys, and you turn around to see who'stelling you that and you're the only one in the car. That's basicallyyou. That's you telling you what you think about you. Now you can, if you're good alcoholic, you fig got ways to distract yourself. Goget laid or something, or you roll or flirt or turn on the TVor, you know, text, you know, or sex to whatever theydo these whatever you do, some turn on you know, listen to musicand do something, travel, move by a house, buy a blouse,whatever it is to some sort of somehow distract yourself, spend money. Youdon't have to buy shit. You don't need to impress people you don't likeand make yourself feel better. How about this? Just gossom. Just goup to somebody in sit down and say you don't like at Franks an asshole. Yeah, he has an asshole. Just bout bad shit about other peoplebehind their back and get somebody to the papal conversation with you. Because somehow, some way, for a broken personality that feels like shit about themselves,when I can talk shit about you, it makes me feel superior, makesme feel okay. And then you can spend the rest of life hating peopleand think a bad shit about everybody in the world. And you can dothat and you can say, if only I was okay or I had this, I'd be okay, and not even realizing that, every time you sayif only I had this, I'd be okay, you're really telling yourself.I'm just not okay and wondering why, even though you're not drinking, youfeel like a piece of shit. So there are consequences being an alcoholic,and but it takes time to figure it out. Because now, how longdid it take with the booze? I mean, I drank alcohol because nowoman, no car note of no amatter of money ever worked just as fastas just a few drinks, and so I drank it. If if itworked for you the way it work for me when I was eighteen, nineteen, twenty years old, you'd be drinking it too. But can't do apoint in my life, you know, after ten, fifteen years of drinking, where alcohol stop working for me. So I stopped drinking it. Inthe sad part about my life is alcohol stop working for me about ten yearsbefore before I realized the Stop working for me, I heard a lot ofpeople. I hurt myself, but I heard a lot of people and Ididn't know, and so I came here because I thought I had. Ihow many people came here because they're goingn't stop drinking? You can raise yourhand and I'll be ten percent. Ten percent of people here came here becauseit didn't stop drinking. You know the rest. You know. Said mylife is so shit I have nothing else to do him as we got alcoholicsand I'm boring, you know, and so you know I couldn't stop drinking. I'd wake up a morning say I'm gonna have a drink today, butfive o'clock I was drunk. I wake up when I sound like I buybooze. Today, by five o'clock I'm servant ship search up dimes, nickelsand quarters the fire. Have Galbott GONALD DONALD OF COLLINS ROSSI CAn'te and sitby. Back then we had phonograph records, l piece they called them. Youdon't know what they and I sit by the phonograph record and I andI play the same song always, over and over again, you know,on an album, but I have to keep on lifting things all play thesame one. It was the one, howkey song on the album. Asalways, you got to find hers out. He's a he's like only the lonely. I missed the blue ran this. I'm giving my age away, butnot you know, rainy days and Monday's always get me down. Tuesday'sWednesday, so fucking Thursday. Say That good either? You know, andrunning on empty. You know, I mean you just I mean all thosesongs that I think about them Gals, you know, the ones that gripmy heart out, the way they treated me. Might be drinking that Ithink about my funeral. If you think about the funeral, absolutely, I'velooked the tragic life and I'd see all them gals showed up at the funeral. You're an alcohol you. I've a vivid fucking imagination. Yeah, youdon't need to go to the bar any where. You got all your fuckingimaginary friends there maybe a part. Yeah, you're laughing out of you don't knowwhat it's like. You know, you got all those fucking friends andyou're you're drinking and and I they were all crying. You know why they'recrying? Don't you show them? Because the way they fucking treated me.On me I'd say cry Bitch, you deserve it, you know. AndI wasn't actually dead. I just want you know. I was like hidingbehind the tree. You know, it was because when you're an alcohol andyour drinker, you know that kind of Shit happens. You know you dothat kind of stuff. You know, if you have the kind of alcoholismI had. So in anyway, I got up the point because I wantto, I really need to talk about what Greg did to me twenty fiveyears ago, which I've never fucking forgotten.

It was it's seared my personality.Actually, you know, it's it's twenty things. So I'm speaking atthe convention and and and everybody has joined Um. Get at the end andthis one guy, like I said, he walks out. I'm looking becauseone of the consequences being an alcohol is you are very aware, if you'rean alcohol of every fucking thing that's going on around you, because everything hasto do with you and you and you also have the ability to read minds. It is true, because that guy all the way in the back ofthe room of the auditor and walked out and walk the door and I said, what the fuck did I say? I'm telling you, I mean youthink it's funny, but I mean it was problem. Problem. His wifewas probably given birth to triplets and he was mostly you know, who knowsas it what the what the hell did I say? You know, Iwas like a little story looks, what the Hell does that? You knowwhat I mean? And they're driving me to the airport and they're telling mewhat a great talk it was, how great I wasn't all I could thinkabout it is that it has whole that rant of that of what the helldid I say? And Greg shows up and he says, you know,I don't even remember. I was at the International Regional Convention Twenty five yearsago when you spoke and you changed my life. And I said you're theASSHOLE who walked out. Where are the gonna? Walked out on me?I don't know, lose the guy? He probably is. You know,that's the deals. That's the deal. So okay. So I think I'mgoing to tell I want to tell you about the the you guys, youguys. Well, some of you guys heard about the alkie dog. Ithink I'm going to tell this group about the alky dog. You know,I think I'm going to tell the group. You know, we could should.You're about to have some fun and I aren't you. You don't reallywant to about the steps right, and let me just tell you that thatstuff. And so I was driving down the street to say and I Isee this guy soon in his front yard. He's got a sign talking dog tendollars. So I stopped the car. You know, I got out ofthe car and I said you got a sign, talking dog, tendollars as yeah, I said, you got a talking dog on self attenddogs. Yeah, absolutely. Listen. Okay, seems this is the back. Go there and talk to him. Look it in the back. SoI walk around to the back and you know, and and this is SCof free little man role in the back. You know, it's old as Helen. I walk up them. I said you to talk, you thetalking dogs as yeah, he says. You know. And I said,I can't believe you're talking. He says, yeah, I've been talking ever sinceI was I said it is amazing. I've never heard of it. TalkingDog. He says, yeah, I've been talking for twenty five yearsnow. You know, he says. He says, I used to.You know, I've never heard of you or he's yeah, it was.It hasn't really been public. He says I was. I worked from theCIA for about ten years in Moscow and my owner was was high up inthe polar buro and I used to go to all the meetings that the Kremlentwith him and you know, nobody suspected me of anything because I'm a dog, but I would listen to all the secret shit and everything like that andbring it back to my handler in the CIA and I they debrief me andI did that for ten years. And after about ten years, then mymy owner died and they brought me back. Every patriot of being brought me backto the states and I actually retired from CEI and I start working fromnon Santo in and Industrial Espion, and then take me over to Dow andthey take me out of Du Pont and I listed all the all the allthe all the the deal, all the you know, the board meanings everythingand all the secrets and what they're doing. And then they and you know.Then I go back to Mon Santo and I tell him all the seacersI did for I about ten, fifteen years and then I retired and youknow. So now I'm retired. I don't do that stuff anyway. Isays this is like amazing, you ought to make a movie. Says,you know that they're actually making a movie. The right and the screen pay layand they're going to have a movie about me and all sort of stuff. He says, well, this you don't know me, but I have. I have a house right down the street. I got like I gotlike seven grandkids, you know, and I got two dogs now. ButI mean, you'd love it over there and I'm going to talk to yourowner bed, you know, purchasing you. If that uses yeah, that's noproblem. I'm happy, no problem, doesn't matter me, you know.So I go up and I say that the guy I said, Imean I was just talking to your dog days as yell. He says,so, how much you want for me? He says ten bucks, just likeSun says. I said ten bucks,...

...ten bucks for talking doll he says, yeah, ten bucks is how can you so? How can yousold talking dog for ten dollars? He says, he's a fucking liar.Didn't do any of that Shit. You know, I was. It treatedme better in Toronto, you know, and I sat so one day whenI was thirty one years old, and I happen to be all these consequencesof alcoholism. Telling Yourself, what's that like? Telling yourself all the timethat you don't give a shit what people think about you. When you thinkof they think a bit shit about you. So you do. You're worried aboutwhat you said and what you did, what they're thinking about you, becauseyou know they're all thinking about you. And what do you tell yourself?I don't really give a fuck what they think about me, because thatyou say. But of course the truth is your entire life, or youdo, is think about what other people are think about that's a shitty life, isn't it? That's got the Shitty. It's got to be shitty. Butyou were doing that when you're eight years old. You're doing that infucking second grade, you're doing that in high school, thinking about what peoplethink. You had a shitty life. And I see you had a shittylife. Your life is always been shit. You've been an Alcoholcke Hey, youwere probably an alcoholic before you started drinking. As about fact, I'llbet you'd start us. I believe what I think. I'll bet one ofthe reasons you like drinking is because you wouldn't then you wouldn't think the ShittyShit you thought. I'll bet you felt better drinking then sober. I'll betsober you felt like shit. You probably worried about yourself and what people thoughtabout you. And keep on tell what kind of life can you have whenyour whole life is. If only this, if only that. You know whenyou're chasing all you guys, when you're chasing gals all over the place. I was allowing Lizard on one in which you had out was one togo to any length to get it too, and I you know when you're whenyou really have to go in out there and grab something to get somethingor have something to prove your man or you're okay, whatever it is.And you don't really think you have a Shitty life because your alcoholic life seemsthe only normal one to you, because you've always thought the way you thought. You don't know of any other way of thinking. you think everybody elsethinks like you could in one sense. You know what I mean. Andso I mean that's just the way you think. You can't separate the truthfrom the false. Your alcoholic life seems the only normal one, and that'sthe way you think before you even started drinking. And then you were thinkingthat way while you were drinking, you know. And then you stop drinkingand here's the problem. You still thinking that way. And so you getrid of the drinking, but you can't get rid of the thing. It'sstill the if only and the yes, butter and I you know, youdon't understand or it's still the same bullshit. Still the same bullshit you were doingwhen you're ten years old, fifteen years old, twenty years old,same crap, you know, thinking about yourself all the time. FIFTEENZERO voicesin your mind, all same bad shit up to you about yourself, DadShit to you about your life, you know what I mean. And now, and you used to be able to drink that shit away. You knowwhat I mean. You got used to be able to drink that shit away, and now you can't even drink that shit away. Now you got togo out and bankrupt yourself and spending money in buying shit to proove to yourselfyou're not an asshole, and you got a gossip about people. You gotto do all sorts of stupid shit. You know, then you feel solonely. You can't have a decent relationship with anybody because you know, whatare you going to talk to him about? You know you're I can talk aboutit. What's really going on? Because you know you're not going totell you group what's really going on. You're not going to tell anybody what'sreally going on, because then they well, you can tell you know, notthat to give a shit what they think about you know what I mean. But you got to hide all that Shit and you can't even tell themanyway because you don't even know what the Hell's going on. That's the realtruth. The truth is you don't even know what's going on. So whatdo you got to tell them? You have no idea why you're so fuckedup. You don't have a clue is to why you think the way youdid. My sponsor said to me after I got so recist. Why doyou say this Shit you say? Why do you do the stuff you do? Why do you think the way you think? So I said to myself, well, that's just my personality. I sort of like my precise isRussell. Your personality is killing you. So that's listen, I know,I understand about the drinking thing. I get rid of the drinking, buthow do you get rid of your personality? I mean I've had my personalities.Is, you know, like my mother say, why can't you belike your brother Gary? How to fuck do you do that? You knowwhat I mean. How do you do how do you be like somebody elseand all of a sudden. You read this book and it says you gotto have a psychic change, you got...

...to be reborn, become a differenthuman being. It says the psychic change is a personality change where ideas,emotions and attitudes that have guiding forces of your life are shifted to one side. You become dominated on on the set of ideas, emotions and attitudes.I mean, how do you make that switch? A route? Okay,big shot, I'm you can stop drinking. How do you switch a rum frombeing a mental basket case? You know that. And how do youeven know what the problem it said the but I said, I'm let's riseis selfish, selfcenter. You're selfish and self centered and you're driven by ahundred forms of fear, selfdelusion, selfseeking. You step on toes of others.They retaliate seemingly without provacation. But you learned that. You've done madedecisions in the past, selfish decision the past, that put you uni positionto be heard. So you're sell far more and riot, but you usuallydon't think so. I ask my sponsor what is that mean? He saysyou know, you a shit about anybody except yourself. I said, Ilike the way they put it in the book better and I don't like.What are you? Would you know? And and how do you do that? When you don't think you're selfish? You think you're basically a good guy, you think you're basically a nice guy, and the book is to only yourreal promise your side. You must above right that. You must getrid of it. God. Next, above everything, we must get ridof this selfish. This we must kills us. That's the real disease.That's after you get rid of the the set. That the symptom of thedrinking. That's after you got rid of the medication. Your real problem isyour selfish, yourself centered, your delusional. You can't you know what delusional means. What it means is you have no idea what's really going on theplanet earth. You see things, you think things. They're all wrong.They're all wrong, and so and then it causes you to have and thenyou have these emotions and these feelings. Want to get touched with your feelyour feelings are more important than anything in the world. All you want todo is talk to me about your feelings. You know, you want to findyour inner child. If you're fond of slap the shit out of andtell them to shut the fuck up. He's been getting you in trouble wallsall your life, you know. I know. And they all messed upby your feelings and you start thinking you're making money or you got a girlfriendor whatever, hell, a boyfriend, whatever it is, or not,and you start thinking you're okay because of all the stuff you have and andyou're just up. It's just waiting to lose it or get divorced or screwthat up. You know, because that's with alcoholics do. We just screwup the perfect we get all the stuff together. Oh, why can't?If I only had a home, if only had a home, you know, all my friends have homes out of you had a home. You gotkicked out of it. Don't you remember? If I only had a girl,you had a girl. If I only had a cart, you hada car. Off Only had a job, you had a job. I finallyhad money, you had money. You know. If I've only lostfifty pounds, you would lost fifty pounds. If I only went to the Jeff. You had that two, couldn't? You couldn't. You couldn't keep something. You couldn't keep a decent life, stout if you wanted to, becauseyou're a goof. Like John Wayne says, life is tough and ifyou're stupid it's even tougher. You know what I mean. And you area smart person who thinks you're smart and you're stupid. You do stupid shitand it's all self destructive and you have don't idea what the hell I'm talkingabout. And so you get into this deal and so now you stop drinkingand you're insane. You're insane. We discussed this last week. You're insanebecause, well, the book says you're insane. Not Listen, the stuffI'm talking about now, stuff I've learned over forty years past of my ownpersonal experience with me. Does it have to be with you? You couldbe the exception to the rule. You know, you could be the exception. It could be over. I could be all wrong about this, youknow, but I've you know, when a man with experience beat to manwith money, the man with experience will walk away with the money and theman with the money will walk away with an experience. And you can tellme what you think, but I'll tell you what. All I can tellis this I've been in the jungle. You know. I'm married forty years, raised four kids, seven grandkids, one more on the way, selfsupporting through my own I've done the cancer twice. I've gone over the bullshit, the bankruptcies, the low money, the whole bullshit. I've done thelife thing. You know what I mean. Not Drinking as an alcoholic, fuckingcrazy as a little you know what I mean. I I know thedeal. You understand. I've been there, done that, figured it out.You know what it says in the big but I've read all the material. You know what I mean. I've hit the bottom. That's I've beencrushed. How we get a new perspective? By repeated humiliation and the final crushingof our self sufficiently selfsufficiency. That's how you forget to sing out.You get crushed tenzero times over ten years, and then you're broke again for theten million time. You know I mean, say what is wrong withme? And all of a sudden your sponsor says, well, you know, when you spend more many money than you made, you go in todayyou say shit. I know that.

You know you learn Shit. Youknow what I mean. You just do you think alcoholism is the drinking isthe least of your problems. You can't even spend money or not spend money. You can't even you can't do nothing in any type of normal, decent, healthy go Wilson said, the real problem alcoholics is on healthy dependencies.You are so dependent on every you are like a please love me, ahaulic. Don't reject me. A haulic, how can I fit into the groupof Halo? I'm so lonely. You're intensional haul you got so manyhaulick things going on. Then you don't even know about it. And thisis how you learn. You learn by going through life sober, getting theshit knocked out of you at the highs, the lows, the highs, andthat you're up your town. You're up, you're down, you're up, you're done. That's like the first hour. You know what I mean? You're so goes on fronten years. What's wrong with me? You know, you go to some doctor. You know, doctor, I can't sleep, worried, I manage just whatever it is. He said. Oh,yeah, I understand, he says. Well, here he's the doctor.So who's going to help you out? Because there averything he learned the medicalschool with big farming. said. He says here, take take two ofthese a day, to suck on these. You'll be okay, you know.Thank you very much, doctor. You must know. He's a doctor, you know, and you see what he's let me tell you what.Let me translate, but he just told you into hol key English. Show. What he's basically saying is, listen, I have no idea what the fuckis wrong, but why don't you chew on this shit so I chewon these things so I can deal with someone who has a real fucking problem. You know what I mean, because you're like a goof. You knowwhat I mean. It's will calm your ass, dad. There ain't nopill that's going to give you integrity that's going to turn you into a fuckingthinking human being and a grown up. The sixth step, and you startdoing the sixth step, which most people don't do. Yeah, they don'tdo it. There ain't no sixte then let me tell you. Six stepis the step that separates the men with the boys. You know what thatmeans? You know that. No, listen, this is advanced A.I'm giving you advanced a a shit like I'll give you some let me giveyou some advance ship that you won't hear it Metis the second step. Thatsays we've come to believe that a higher power restore us to sanity with it'sreally telling you is you're insane, because only insane people have to be restoredto sanity, if you understand. But they when you're an alcohol and you'redefiant and you're sensitive, but you're not sensitive. Great artists as sets ifyou're touching. So you can't say to an alcoholic you're fucking insane. Yourone dumb or, like my spots used to say, you know as muchabout life for us as a dog knows about it. Fuck you wise isfather, your sponsor, consaytion like that to you and you can get awaywith it, sort of, but you know they don't tell you. Yousay you're an alcoholic and suck your powers over alcohol. Your lives unmagical.You've gone through, you've gotten through repeated you with me humiliations, the finalcrushing of her self sufficiency. So you've become entirely ready to have somebody orsomething outside yourself re stop you from drinking, and tirely ready to stop drinking.You've become tightly ready to do that? Okay, Ye have put together theGod thing yet, but you know you can't stop in your palace overand not everybody comes today. Is that like that? There's a step beforethe steps, the step of the for the steps, and we be read. It says, if you want what we have and you and you goto any length together, and then you're ready to take certain steps. Doeseverything understand? How that's the step before the steps. There's there's a prerequisite. You know what I was going to college. If you wanted to taketrigonometry, you have to take Alge of her first. If you want totake I get up. You want to calculus, you had to take youknow, you had to you had to take GM extra algibar. You knowyou got you had to do do different things to get to different places.The RIP. The prerequisite to take the steps is if you want what wehave, whatever you think we have, and you will we go to alength to get it, then you're ready to take certain steps. Not Everybodycomes here wants what we have. Some people want what they used to have. You know, there's a difference between wanting what we have and wanting whatyou had, because if you want what you had. Then as soon asyou get what you had, you're gone. The girls back, the guy's back, the romance you got that things look good. You get two wellsand fast you get the money back. No need to hang around a abecause you don't want who he had. You don't want the God. Thenyou don't want an you don't even, but you want to some. Youcan't even see what we have. You can't understand why people go to I'vegot the money back, I'm doing okay. So you're gone because you don't wantwe have, because you don't even.

You don't even have a we isnobody in here that has what you want, because you're cool and thisis a very uncool place to be. And what you wanted to be hip, slick and cool. And that's the deal. And the bottom line is, if you're a not Auson hoymously, you want to grow up and becomea man and grow the fuck up, you're gonna have to make a choicebetween God and cool, because God is either everything or is nothing. He'sout of the easy either everything he's not, then. I mean, that's whatsays the Dick. I'm just talk quoting all I'm doing is quoting scripture. You know, he's everything or he's nothing, by the way, asposition is, he's everything, and guess you have figured it out. Youknow, and you know that that thinking about God. You know, utterlyabandoning yourself to God. You understand that making a sincere decision for God.Never apologize for God, having a life being a lot. You know thathaving your life based on God. You know that making a decision for Godand that what they say, he'll give you everything if they need if youstay closer and perform as well work. Well, you understand what I'm saying, and his work is to help other people. You understand. You understandall that God crap where it says but we won't know you. Well,that's okay, but you real realize has to be on God. You knowhe will show you how to even create the fellowship you crave, the Godfellowship you crave. You know there's no middle of the road solution, halfmeasure of value, nothing. You know. The great fact is this, andnothing less. If you want to be rocking in the fourth dimension ofexistence and experience much of Heaven and lose all fear of people and of Economics, r the great facts is this and nothing less, that God has tobecome the central fact of your life and be convinced that lives in your heartand mind, which is the day, but in a in a way that'smiraculous, and do it for you what you can't do it for yourself,and changing you into a whole other human being. You understand that that istotally uncool to the outside world. You understand you can't have it both you. It's half insures that you can't. You can't love God. You can'thave God in them you can have you can't love God in cash. Youcan't love God and Pussy. You can't love God. You got to makea choice. You understand that. If you go out there and you startto or even, how about this, even in Aa, you understand ifyou talk the way I taught, people are going to turn you off.You know I consist chapter to the agnostics. You know what, the chapter ofGnostic Sis, of the mere code of morals or better philoshy of life, would help us. We've been fine long time, but never helped usbecause we lack the power. We lack the power to be fucking adults.You don't have the power to be an adult. The truth. You canhandle the truth. You don't have the power to be a decent fucking humanbeing. You will fuck this thing up all the time because all you givea shit about it yourself and nobody else, and you don't even understand that youdon't have the power. There is one who has all power. There'sone, not fifty one, not two thousand and ten, there's one.May you find him now. You know that's there's one. That's you understandthat. You understand that's AA. They read it every needing. Nobody fuckingbelieves it. They don't believe. They can do half measures or you knowI mean, just don't be like Russell. He's fucking nuts. You know,they're all worried about talking about God. HP. I got my HP,or, you know, anything but God, because anything to water itdown so nobody thinks that you're really believe this shit. How can I bean AA and so that nobody really knows? I'm an ay or I don't soundcrazy like Russell smacks. The book says we never apologize for God,but whenever we talk about says, I'm sorry to mention the God thing,we apologize for him. Because we're ashamed, because the truth is, all wegive a shit is about what other people think about us, even thoughwe don't give a shit with other people think about us, and we knowthat other people will, we talk about God there, roll their eyes orthey'll laugh at us, and God forbid, the worst than it can happen toa person who's totally insufficient or feels insufficient is that people treat him likehe's totally insufficient. We don't have an EGO problem. We don't have anyfucking e though. We have nothing. That was my problem. I wasa nothing. I was always going to be a nothing. I was thatnothing, butter nothing. I used to put something in my body and Ibecame an almost when you're when you're nothing, almost as top of the fuck themword, top of the world. And we don't even understand this shit. We don't know any of this shit that I'm saying right now. Andwe sit in me meetings and we say, listen to people. If anybody talksabout you, guys say, man, this is asshole, you know,and we say things like I'm spiritual, not religious, to prove that we'rebetter than religious people. We're better than those people. That we don'tlike people to go to church because you know something there holly, than nowthis selfrighteous and we become the most selfrighteous...

...pricks in the world. I'm spiritual, not religious. Really. Well, that's not the disease I have.I'm a I'm a material son of a bitch. You take me out ofthese meetings, take me away with my sponsor, you take me away frommy Bible Study, My church, whatever it is, and you don't someI turn into. Give me that. If only this, if only that. I turned into a selfish monster. You know, the one thing thatthis is given me as told me exactly. I've never forgotten who I was beforeGod came into my life. If there's anything about me that is inany way attractive, maybe say, man, this guy's fucking nuts, but I'lltell you. How do you do that? How do you talk likethat to people and in a room? I don't have the fucking balls todo that Shit. And you don't have the balls do that shit because you'rea scared little boy and a little girl, because all you do is give ashit about what other people think about you. You don't have the ballsand you'll never have to book don't ever think if you're worried about God andpeople think you know about God and you don't make a choice about it,don't ever think you will ever get that problem. That your little fear ofpeople in that economic insecurity, you will net. You will always be scaredabout what other people think, because you wanted someone is linked to the other. Says so on the big book says so. You says you want trueindependence from things. You got to be totally depend upon God, the centralfact your life. This, but you'll make believe that doesn't say any thatShit. You'll be say stupid thing like will you work your program and I'llwork mine? Problem like this steen, different program yeah, yeah, there'sprograms for people that want to do half measures. Don't want to do this. It's like a life. It's been around for years. That's why,that's why. The one thing that so, the one thing you know, andthe second step is that you're insane. When I have a sponse and I'mtalking to him and sometimes you'll be talking to me, let me tellyou something. I can always don't want to sponsor's in trouble. He startsoff, I say, and I've been thinking, says I've been thinking.Say, Whoa, this is no, I got no, no, no, you're going to start talking about what you've been thinking about, right,yeah, this is listen, I'm a little scared because this disease may becontagious and I've been doing everything I can to avoid thinking, and if Iwas to what you've been thinking, I may start thinking about it and Idon't want to really catch this shit again. You know what I mean. Solet me do it. Let's do it this way. Okay, you'vegot like two years, right, and you've been thinking. Let me guess, you're going to tell me you've been thinking about some and it's driving youcrazy. He said, yeah, how'd you know? I said, Iknow, I know it's and that because you're fucking insane. If you don'tknow, you're insane. So anything you think about is going to drive younuts. Okay, okay, so I got forty one years. Forty years. Okay, I got forty years. Okay, you've got two years andyou're going nuts. So whose brain do you want to use on this?I think I'd rather to use your brain. I said, Hey, that's that'sa smart deal. I think that's let's use my brain, you know, and so then I then we still. Then we can discuss sober things,you know, and not crazy shit, not your problems, because you don'teven know what your problem is. You think you have problems. Youdon't even have a problem. So so let's just hear some but weren't advancedshit, you know, like the six step. Is the step? Lookit up, I'm not sure. Is this step that separates the men fromthe boys, the girls from the women. So what do you want to be? You want to be a man or you want to be a boy? One to be a man, or do you want to be a boy? Six step says that. You know what the six step says. Thisis advanced AA. Now it says in Aa there are two groups of people. There are men and there are boys, there are women and there are girls. That's what it says. You understand that, don't you? Nowthere are people here that says I don't believe that at all. And thepeople that say I believe that they say that because they're thinking about it andthey're fucking delusional, because they have what's called magical thinking. You can tellthem that God has to become the central factor of life because that's what saysthe big book, and they'll say that's not what it says. You cantell them you got to lose prejudice against organized religion. We lose prejudice.You know what, I might hear one more guy put down the Catholic Church, and I'm not Catholic. I don't care. I mean all we haveis people in who were wounded or the one thing I know about chapter agnosticsays. It says this sort of thinking must be abandoned. I can alwayssomeone, somebody's not really sober when they start putting down religious people when ina big book it says we encourage Church membership. We encourage us. Mostof US belong to such organizations. Bill Wilson did, Dr Bob did,they all did, except for built Jim Borow, who was an atheist.You know which they say you got go with. Who is an atheist?By the way, a a takes the...

...sign, takes the side of thedeal that says atheism is bad, not good. Read Dr Bob, thegood old timers read chapter to the agnostics. Reach Dr Bottom. The good oldtimers read the last paragraph. You're an atheist or Knox agnostic. I'vesome other intellectual pride that keeps you from understanding this. I feel sorry foryou. I pity you. You're heavenly father will never get let you down. How do you read Shit like that? We lose prejudice against organized religion.Most of our beds members are. How do you read that and actuallycome to the thinking, which is most days, come to thinking that agnosticismand atheism is okay? There is a difference between understanding that it's a spiritualkindergarten and that most people you know don't want to hear that. It's adifference between it's a spiritual kindergarten and think that that's okay at ten fucking yearsor fifteen or twenty years. That's not a it's something. It's something,but it's not a it's a PSEUDOA, it's a kind of A. It'san AA where you don't really want to do a me. You see,alcoholics are great. One of the consequences of that, an alcohol is whensomebody says something to you that you don't like, it confuses you, youmay you make it go away. You just hate the person you say stupid, because if he's not stupid, if you can make it a long way. You might have to do it. And so you wander around sober tenyears, picking up ten minute year of medallion's, fifteen year, medallions,twenty medallions, you know, on your fourth marriage, feeling crappy about yourself. All such a craft going on, not understanding and you're not happy withyour sobriety. Here and then once in a while performer drain con will sayfeel better, look better, having a better time. We we laugh.It's your selling. You know you'll try the old game again because he's nothappy with his sobriet. Soon he will know loneless is you do I meanthere are, there are consequences to words. You can't make believe. Words youcan't make believe that words do not do not exist, or they meansomething other than they mean, just so you don't have to do them.And nobody time. I know, I understand, I know, I'm itsounds like a rough I know you don't hear this shit. It a means. I get it. It's okay, won't kill you. You know.I mean you're pretty much fucked. You understand that? No, I meanyou are. You know, even though once you hate me, because youknow you hate me you don't, I hate me. If you don't likeme or you think it's bullshit, because you've been listening to me. Soyou're fucked. Because the problem is, unless you're constantly and capable of beinghonest with yourself, you may listen to me and you may reject everything Isay, but you're going to go out there and try to stay sober andone day, on your when you're when you're coming back again for the fourteentime or you feel like Shit, you're remember every fucking thing I say becausethe truth, you can him the truth, and one day you're going to saywhat people say. I used to hate you, but now I loveyou, because the truth stands on its own and you know how you thinkand you know how you are and you know what's going on and the realthen want to hear a message of weight and death, not bullshit to makeyou feel good so you can go on with your stupid lives, doing stupidshit over and over again and not being disciplined and not growing the hell up. You know, because this is the this is something for grown ups.So you got a choice, the men of the boys, women of thegirls, you know. That's why only one a half of one percent staysober over twenty years. You hang out, you're long enough, you seem todrink at five years, ten years, fifteen years, twenty years, seemsstart popping pills and zaducts and all that sort of Shit. You knowwhat I mean. You know, like this is some sort of like valuingdeficiency deal. You know, you see you see him bathing and smaybeing andwhatever hell they're doing, you know, and just doing anything they can,brankrupt themselves, screwinging relationships, just you know, they're not drinking. Youknow, and you just doing all sorts of Carbo things in your life,you know, because they can't arrest hey, listen, you get away with bullshitfor a long time. They can't arrested for drama. Will being anasshole. You me. Yeah, I know. Really it's the drinking.So you come in here if you're in here to only stop drinking, youwill eventually drink. If you're not here to grow the Hell Up, youwill eventually and you will become in the next five or ten years. Thepeople you hang out with and listen to in the books you read and thebooks you read will depend upon who you hang out with. It's as simpleas that. So don't ever say, don't ever say that you never heardthis shit. Don't ever make believe that you did a a and you didthe whole thing if you're doing everything and it didn't work for you, ifit doesn't work, because that's a lie. If you'll be lying, you justjust telling the truth. You came...

...to day a and you didn't reallydo it. You just sat in the chair and you drank coffee and,you know, at a good time. It was almost like sitting in thebar, except instead of drinking scotch, drinking coffee and looking at the blondein the front row or smoking cigarettes on the outside or doing what you didwhen you were in drinking your alcohol. Life seems the only normally. Youknow, that's the deal. Now, I understand, I get it.I understand. You can call me on this, that when they say inthe big book we encourage, these are the founders, the founders that listeningthey say we encourage USAID found this bottom Bob and the build and Bill Wilson. We encourage church membership, but it's not obligatory. Understand. You couldsay, well, that's optional. You're absolutely right. It's option. Letme ask you this. Think about this. Why do you think they put itin the big boat? Anything that that? Why do you think it'soptional? Why do you think they put in the big book? We encouragechurch membership. Why do you think they put in the big book? Really, ever seen a person Phil who has thoroughly followed our path, their path? You want to read what the Path is. We talked about the goodold times, that the books they found absolutely central were first with these thirteen. Some of them mount the book of James. I don't know what theirpath was. Most of them belong to religious are to say, why doyou think you put in the big book? Because that's what they did. Doyou want what they had? Do you really want to do this thingthoroughly, or do you want to do half measures? So here's the deal. There's a lot of extra credit in the big book. There's a lotof stuff about sponsoring. There's there you can. You can sponsor people.Are you can not sponsor people. You can be sponsored. To have aserious relationship with a sponsor and who you sponsor, you know whose sponsors you, is going to have a lot to do with what you become. Youcan even do that or not do that. You can get involved in service andnot get involved service. You could do this any way you want.Let me tell you something. It's just like the Olympics. The prize goesso the guy who's doing the extra credit things didn't rock it for me untilI got involved in doing the shit. To listen, to get the shitthat most people will to to get the things in your life and the changein life that most people will never experience, you need to be prepared to doshit that most people never do, to do the stuff and this thingto be rocking in the fourth dimension of existence, the loose fear of peoplein of economic security, to get the promises, you better be prepared todo the shit that most people are laughing at or mocking or rolling their eyesat because they don't want to do it. And you know why don't want todo it? Because it says it in chapter the exhausted, because assoon as we mention God, the hackles in that stand up was alcoholics.A consequence of being an alcoholic, is a consequence of the disease of alcoholism. Is You hate the idea of God. I don't give a shit with becauseyou know you didn't like some Catholic priest or. Your parts pushed iton you or you would would some legalist that said. You know, Imean, I don't give a shit why you hate or God, but thebottom line is is that alcoholics hate the idea of the God thing. Itsays the big book. It says soon as you mention God they hate it. That's a sign, that's a symptom, that's a sign that's consequence of thedisease. That's not a consequence of being that's not a sign of beingwell. That's just the more you hate the idea of God and hate peoplethat talk about God, the more it proves how sick you are and thatyou're not emotionally sober. You do understand that in the big book. Butthey talked about people that Hate God and having Timothy to God. They're talkingabout people that are not sober, that are not well, and there's moreof them in a a then there are more people that make God the centralfact their life. That's just a fact alife. You know you've been theymeans. What do you think? The percentages? Think it's seventy, thirtyeight, twenty one, ninety and ten. I would when you think are youknow do that dealt ninety five five percent? I have my own ideasabout that because I've been around for a while. How many people are willingto go down this road listen to this stuff? The interesting thing I find, and this is just some of them, find him to close it out,because I wouldn't a little bit over, is I just do that in thebar used to I'd still be married in my first wife if I gethome on time. I used to go a little bit over with the drinking. Like I'm walking and fourth I've walked into thirty in the afternoon and Iand I walk at thirty in the morning. I could be in a bar fortwelve hours without without any question.

But after I got sober, you'dbe surprised and incredibly sharp. I got it realize and when the guys talkingmore than three minutes over to me, really that's when I got really responsible. You know what I mean? Guys can talk about God for an hour. I'm getting the fuck out of here and I got things to do inmy life. You know, I'll just messing with you. You know.By the way, if you're disturbed, remember the spiritual actea. Whenever you. This doesn't matter. What the cause is. Something wrong with you.So figure that out and I'm like giving you a spiritual in Myri I.You know that's so. I don't know. I'm I can keep you anymore.God bless you. I.

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