AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 2 months ago

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Life Is Good Group 10/28/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Life is Good Group, Boca Raton, FL 10/28/2021

I love you, Thomas. Godbless you. God bless you. Gotta we gotta get him off the depressionfrom out here. My names Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. It's good tosee I have found that you haven't drink since January twenty two, onethousand nine hundred and eighty one. And doesn't mean I haven't had a drink, you know, but I haven't got necessary. You know, it's fortyone years of undetected drinking. You know, they're never going to cash me.No, I've been sober for a while. It's my forty first year, trying to make it, you know, one day at a time, right. So it's great to be here. This is like my I'm seen facesand people that haven't seen in a year and a half. This groupstarted by James Friedman, by sponsored. God bless them. You know.I know he's not here for you as a good reason, but I knowyou guys know James and he's he started this quite fifteen years ago. Howmany years ago? Fifteen, twenty years ago? I think I did thefirst meeting in this group. I think it was at the Kabbad. Wasthat that the Habad? And then every year thereafter. For like fifteen yearsI did a step series here, you know, which is three months,and not to know a lot of the people here and and I see facesof people you know, because this is like my my home is sixty milessouth of here, so it's like an hour and a half to get uphere during rush hour and everything like that. So I and we used to comehere and go out to dinner and where I think we're going out todinner tonight and we're going to do that's going to be the deal. We'regoing to do that. And I brought up a few friends too, andso it's just like my mich book and I was like yeah, it's forlike my family. So I'm seeing people, you know that I love, I'veseen for like fifteen years coming up here and doing this deal, andthere's just so many of you that it's great to see you. A lotof you guys have seen on zoom. You know. I love the zoomthing, to go about three or four means a day on the zoom thing. I see a lot of you guys from zoom, but I haven't beenable to get up here and everything with you guys, and it's just great. I we we came up. Now usually when I come up here,you know, we have a little you got a little, you know,car pool and everything. Get a bunch of guys and my son in law'shere, Armando and Justin and Joshua and who else do we have here?And Oh yeah, and Clark came up with me and and Jimmy, andJimmy drove. Thank you very much, Jimmy. I'm used to drive myself, but you know, I just I'm old. It's over for me.You know, what's the point? You know, it's I got it.I had this attack of verdict. I've never had vertical vertigo were to youngpeople don't get it, you haven't got I had a attack of Vertigo lastnight. So I couldn't it's a wonderful feeling. If you if you've everbeen totally stoned out of your mind and you've ever been drunk and you've everbeen lying in a bed and the bench starts spinning like a fucking top,you know what I mean, a million as brow, and you put yourfoot down to try to stop the bed from spinning. It's like that,but just a little bit worse, and your sober when it's happening. It'sit's scary shit, I'll tell you. But I had to call a coupleof doctors and I got to have my daughter's couple my daughters called me upand tell me I was stupid, and which is supposed to cure me.You know, I mean, I understand. They called me up their word andyou're stupid. Just you go to the emergency room. As it now. I don't think so. So, but I'm feeling a lot better nowand I got to drive up with usually when I drive up here. Ihaven't been here for a year because of the pandemic, but usually when Idrive up here, or when I drive anywhere to do these set means,I've been doing it for thirty years, thirty thirty five years. So usuallywhen I drive up, you know long I usually you have the I'll beplaying hymns on him a haul and I like playing him's and different types ofmusic and pretty explectic and we usually drive up here in total silence except forthe music, and for about an hour and a half and it's very niceand relaxing. But I had the privilege of having with me today Nick,who's twenty years old and he's got eight months and he's a zoom baby.He's got the DADS right there and there is the yet I want you tostand up. I want you to have a little attention out. Thank you. Right. That's it. See how he was dressed up and nick.Nick was wonderful because we drove up for an hour and a half and andwe didn't have to worry about silence because for an hour and a half Nicktold me his life story. You know his life story, you know,and you twenty years, he doesn't have much of a life to tell.But I mean he told me the entire life story. You know, incase I should develop laryngitis or something, he would be prepared, you knowwhat I mean, to step into the gap and I appreciate that. Next, this is very enlightening, and so it's good to be here and it'sgood to see all. Look at these...

...guys in the front row, andgood to see all you guys. So listen, here's the here's the deal. Let me just tell you what's I'm here to conference of disturbed and disturbthe comfortable. So don't pay any attention to anything I say. Don't getpied. I listen. If you want to be pissed off, you can. You know you don't spiritual acting him whenever you disturbed, matter what thecause, there's something wrong with you. You know it's so. If Isay some of the story is no sense getting this is just my story.It's just my opinion. My Story Chock full of opinions. I'd like sayit's based upon experience. My sponsor, my first wants you to say whata man with experience meets a man with money. The men with experience andwalk away with the money and the man with the money will walk away withexperience. So I know alcoholics are all bringant. We're all fucking brilliant.We know everything. I understand that. You know. And they say there'ssome guys background back row. He's already saying WHO's this asshole? You know, I should be up there and talk, and I get that. I understandthe I understand what I'm dealing with. When I'm dealing with alcoholics. They'reall cynics, and I even skeptics. Their skip their cynics and bullshit.You know, I know what the story is. Who Tell anythink hedoesn't know me. And I know what I'm dealing with. Here. Butthat's how Kay. I'm just gonna it's based upon I listen at these prices. You know. It's based upon my experience in here, my experience withmy own sobriety. I'm seventy two years old. I came here what Iwas thirty one and been married forty years, something like that. Forty forty oneyears, raised four kids sober and got seven, soon to be eight, grandkids, God willing, and in some wonderful sponsors for wonderful sponsors anda mentor. And then I've been around for a while. So I've seenhim go, I've seen him calm, I've seen him mostly go, youknow what I mean. And and I've been with the guys that stick aroundand have been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much of heavenand all the real deal. You know, that's six step, they say.This is the stuff that we separate the men from the boys. I'vebeen hanging out with the men for forty years, so I know what Iknow what it takes to get to that deal. And and I've watched theguys that are fly by night. They make it for three years or fiveyears or ten years and they and they they're gone. You know, theyjust can't seem to get it together. So I know about that deal.So I'm just going to talk to about my experience. Now how I dothese things when I you know, I've been, as I said, beendoing the step series for a long time and you know when you first comein here and what I'm going to share, because I think it's an appropriate thingto do it. I mean, obviously I'm familiar with literature and I'mfamiliar with the steps and but it says our experience, you know, ourour stories disclose in a general way what we used to be lack and whathappened, what it's like thet now. And and although I'm going to talka little bit about what I've learned and my experiences and things like that,I'm going to try to just first a lot with stories, because I thinkyou have to put yourself in the deal. I mean, this isn't for meto give you a lecture, although I contend to do that sometimes,and you know and I have, but but it tell you a little bitwho I am and what am and what my story is and to the extentthat you identify with it, fine if you don't find. Don't worry aboutit. I get all wired up and crazy at times and I say Shitthat disturbs people, and you know I don't mean to disturb you. It'sjust something that happens whenever I speak. You know, I'm sorry. There'sjust a natural thing. It's no use you getting upset. You'll get inyour car, you'll drive home, you'll be thinking about that asshole. Whydid he say that? Who'd hell invited them? And I want already bein the car. Sent a lot of I said that and I'll forget thewhole thing. You know what I mean and it's so don't even worry aboutit. Just relax. It's just an a meeting. We're not invading China, anything like that. This is anything big, you know, with justfor an hour. Nobody will drink, I suppose, hopefully, and Idon't do it like I used to do it when I first started doing thesteps. You know, when you first come day and there's probably some NewPeople here, these steps are weird. They're like strange, they're like it'snot there. There there counterintuitive to the way an alcoholic things so or orlives his life. They're just not something, so they have to be explained toyou fifteen thousand times. You don't understand why you have to forget abouthow you do it. You don't even know why you have to do it. I mean, why do I have to do that? And all thatsort of stuff. There's a lot of questions and stuff like that. Andyou know, sometimes people come in here and they're still beating down, whichis a good thing by the way, so that they don't ask a lotof questions. They just get right into it, because they'll do anything.You know, there's a line in book. It says if you want what wehave and you willing to go to any length to get it, thenyou're ready to take some you're not even ready. Did you know that?This is a step before the steps? You know, the step before thesteps? You need to pay attention to this, because this is true.There is a step before the steps. The step is, if you want, we have, whoever we are. If you want we have, youwilling to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to takethe steps. And we have a lot of people come in here. They'renot ready. They want. What they want is they want what they had. They don't want what we have.

They want what they had and theymay be will we go to any length to get what they had? Youknow, get laid, you know, hang out in parking lot to talkto the girls, you know, staring at the blond in the front row. You know, I got to tell you I talked from a standpoint ofa guy. I have no idea what's going on with gals or anything likethat, but I talked from Stampin of a guy. You understand, theycome in here for other reasons, which is not bad or good at justthe fact of life with alcoholism. And we're going to get into a lotof that, because what I really want to talk to you about. Asthis goes on, you'll see I'm not going to talk to about alcohol.Let me tell you. Let me tell you about the first step. Ifyou don't think you're an alcohol just keep drinking. I think the best wayto take the first step is to drink yourself into it, not have meconvince you of it. Not Have Me. I for forty one years I've beentrying to convince alcoholics who don't believe they're alcoholics and don't want to stopdrink. I've been trying to convince them not to drink. It's a veryfrustrating thing. I spend eight years on relay, you know, in service. When I got in here, I got into the whole thing. You'lllearn more about eight years on real lay. If you were in Miami and itwas Friday night, anytime, you ater Eight, eight PM at nightuntil Ezero am or nine o'clock the next morning, and you called up aa, you got me for eight years on a Friday night to Saturday morning. So for that eight year period nobody got some, but he got sober, you know, and I learned that you spend hours, and now II after a while I stopped spending. Now I used to spend hours.When people on the phone and they tell me and then this, that happened, and that happened and this happened and that happened. Then happened. Thenafter two hours, at three o'clock the Mon I'd say, okay, soabout the drinking thing, he's just hum I don't want to stop drinking,I'm just lonely or something like that, you know. And you can hearthat. You'd be taught. They'd be talking about that. They say no, no, I've got no, no, you got to listen to me.This is an alcohol is s it's one o'clock in the morning, there'snobody there, they're lonely. It's goals. No, no, no, no, I you gotta, I got you got to listen to me andsit there listen and listen. And it's trying to get a second Chris, I was relatively new and and so I'd listened for an hour and ahalf and everyone's wiled. They stopped. They say, could you excuse mefor a second, and I hear a glass, you know, with icegoing into it. Well, one blah, blah, blah, Blah, God, it's okay, you know. And so after two years of thatShit, you know what I mean. You know there's nothing like dealing withoutbots or working without bolics or sponsoring without bolics. That know what this diseaseis really about, you know. And and then then, but after awhile I pretty much got the picture. I let him talk for about fiveminutes and then I'd asked questions. You want to stop drinking, and thenif theydn't want to stop drinking, there wasn't much I could do for Iremember I got I got a call one time from a one topic. Butevery once in a while, let me tell you what would happen. Everyonce in a while he got a call from a guy or yeah, they'dbe like one o'clock in the morning, two o'clock in the morning. Isay, yeah, what kin I do for you to say? My Name'sJoey, says, you know, and I can't stop to I want tostop drinking. I and I got a drink, a prom and I can'tstop drinking. I need help. That's it, that's it. That's allhe would say. I need help, I can't stop drinking. No,story, no, you got to listen to me. He just said Ineed help, and then he would he would listen and he's waiting because thatguy, that guy, you know, my spons used to say some people, some people want help and some people just want attention. What you're goingto learn is this a very serious disease and that alcoholics are fucking insane.And I say they're fucking insane because I speak out key. You understand whatI'm saying, because I know that in your head use the word fuck allthe time and there's a new guy in here, sitting in the back row, who's saying I hate this guy, who's this guy? And I sayfuck. One time he says I like this guy. Lets you see,he feels like all you we're all assholes and we're all holier than Dow andthis is church shed, this is God stuff and everything like that. Andyou know, some he's got his guard up and says I can't believe Ihave to be here, because he uses it all the time. And I'mhere for the new guy and I'm here for the guy with twenty years thatare no longer happy with this sobriety. And I know how the new guytalks and I know how he thinks. You know, you know sometimes inalcoholics anonymous, I hear words like and I'm going to tell you something.I'll tell you something right now about me. I'm and you'll hear more about this. I'm a Jewish gift from New...

York and I'm a born again Christian. You understand. So we'll get this out of the way. I goto church, the Deacon in the Church and all sort of crapping here abouthow that all happened, and that's my search doesn't have to be your search. You understand what I'm saying. And as I hear a lot of badmouthing of religion, all sort of stuff from people that have no idea ofwhat age about it, where it came from. Well, history of aa and you'll hear a lot about that, you know, for those who reallywant to grow up and not be children in here. You know what. You want to grow up and come men or women, okay, andthe bottom line is you. So you got a lot of pe. Whathappens in a a's you got a lot of people that put down religion orreligious people because they're holier than out, while in a they become the mostholier than Thou assholes you can possibly imagine, judging people, judging religions, people, judging every that moves, just judging people by every every because theybecome more self righteous than any person I've ever cover in sitting and as Sydneyand any rooms. And you want to lose, you want to wear youknow, you want to wear your coat like a loose garment. And here, you know, I you know, think we have a rule. It'scalled rules sixty two. Don't take yourself too seriously. You know, whenI look at somebody and I try not to judge people, but you knowI you know my watch to say stick with the winners and I've learned along time ago that when an old timer says that man sober, he doesn'tmean not drinking. You got a Shitload of people not drinking. They're notsober, not by old timer standards. You know, you got a lotof people not sober and alcoholics, anonymous, working some sort of program that theythink is a program which is really a compromise. And they don't understandwhy, every once in a while they hear this voice in their mind thatsays I'm a worthless piece just shit, I wish I was dead. Theydon't understand that they're five years sober and ten years sober, and they understandwhy they always they're driving in the car and they always say I'm a loser, I might as well fill myself. I'll never get this thing. Don'tunderstand why they're always talking bad shit about themselves. They don't understand why they'realways saying I'll give a crap what people think about me. I'll give meshit. Sometimes I'll say it on lives. I'll give a crap what they thinkabout me. They don't understand why they're always telling themselves they don't givea crap what other people think about them, when I should be pretty evident thatpeople that really don't give a crap with other people think about them nevernever say to themselves I would give a crap on other people thinking. Theysay things like past to catch up, but they don't say that shit whythey get up every day. You know, they get about everything a sober andthey say and if only had a different life, I'd be okay.Oh, if I only had a different husband, I'd be AH. IfI only had a husband. Oh, finally had a wife, I'd beokay. I. If I only can lose fifty pounds, I'd be okay. If I only had a new car, I be okay. If I onlyhad a new job, I'd be okay. If I don't can makemore money, I'd be okay. You know, if only I had this, if only I had that, I'd be okay. And they do itthree, four or five, twenty times a day. They Watch TV,they sell. If only I had the only I live there. You know, they wake hum the morning there if only ears and yes, butters andyou don't understanders and sober do it all the time when you're drinking. That'sthat's the alcoholic way of life. Alcohol life is a normal life for us. You know, they can't separate the truth. And Alcoholic life is anas a life. We're an if only are, yes, but are,you don't understand her and all the time. But that goes on even after youstop drinking, because the drinking isn't even the problem. When a guydrinks after ten years, I understand about the craving part, I get that. But when somebody drinks the after five year, you know many people inAA come back after a year of not drinking and they drank three months ofnot drinking and they drank a year of not drinking. They drink ten yearsof not drinking. They drank twenty years about drink when they drink. Youever seen that in AA? There are people in here will tell you thisis the how long even sober? Well, I've been around Aa for twenty fiveyears. HOW LONG TO SOBER? Now? Three days. You knowwhat I mean. You know many people do that, most people. Mostpeople. When somebody drinks after appreaciable time of sobriety. They're not drinking becausethey crave alcohol. They're drinking because they hate being sober. They're drinking becausethey've never been sober, they've never experienced sobriety. They have are all youknow what, they're treading water, just waiting to drink. You know,that's why people drank after a year sobriety or six months sobriety, because they'venever been all in, they've never utterly abandoned themselves to God, they've neverdone this thing thoroughly. Really haven't seen...

...front. They don't even know whatthoroughly is. Because, like it says in the twelve and twelve, unlessand until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, the sobriety willbe precarious. Son of true happiness will find none at all. And mostpeople have precarious sobriety. It's like they're in intensive care for a year ortwo or five. Just wait until the day that they drink or drug ordo whatever they're going to do, because they're not dealing with the consequences ofalcoholism. They're dealing with the physical consequences of alcoholism. It's like they're ina cage, you know, they're locked up there. They they they mayhave become entirely ready to stop drinking, they haven't become entirely ready to stopwhoring. They haven't become entirely ready to start stop chasing the shit in thisworld that they've been chasing the ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fiftyyears because they absolutely know, without any quick of doubt that this a thingis really good. But we all know a million dollars would solve all ourproblems. And you had the money and you lost it, you blew it, and you had the goal and the guy, you lost it and youblew it. And you had the car and you lost your blue bluid andyou have it over and over and over again, the things of this world, chasing them, trying doing anything to get them, getting pissed at anythinggets any way, feeling sorry for yourself if you don't get them. Andthen when you finally get him, worried about losing them and worrying about somethe you know, the bank, repossessing them, and worrying about her leavingyou or him leaving you or whatever it is. And then you get toworry about that, and then they're gone, and then you get the press andyou're over and over and over, and you'll finally get the Gal thatyou love and you know it's going to be perfect, because if only Ihad heard you, okay. And three months later you're looking at the othergals and you finally get the car you want because you know it's going tobe perfect. And three months later you look at the other cars and youfinally get the job you want because you know, if you only had that, it would be okay. And three months later, saying I hate thisdamn job, I hate my boss, and you can't understand why. Youabsolutely know that these things will fit you and you'll go out to get them, this new blouse, whatever, a boot job, I don't care whatit is, and nothing ever works for you. I'm an alcohol because don'tknow no woman, no car, no one, amount of money, nonothing ever work for me just as well as just a few drinks. Andif alcohol work for me the way it worked me when I was eighteen,eighteen, nineteen, twenty years old, I still be drinking it. Butthe said or good news for me is is that alcohol stop working for mein the sad news is stop working for me about tenders. Before I realizedthe Stop working with me, and I heard a lot of people. Butlet me tell you something. You know what? The women work too.The women work too. That's the real alcoholism. You know why? Iknow alcoholism the problem. I mean look it, because the big book saysalcohol is only a symptom of the problem. It's only a symptom. It's onlyas you see somebody that can't stop Jings, he's an alcoholic. Youwant her something, you can be sober. I know you're an alcohol I justhear you say. I'll show them you can be so pretentious. I'llshow them is it's a fucking alcoholic. They don't know who they're screwing with. June, you know who I am. fucking alcoholic. You know I don'tneed to be drinking. I can tell you're an alcoholic. I canshake your hands and tell you or not. I've got three minute conversation. Iknow you're an alcohol I just listen to what you're saying, how youtalk about yourself, how you talking about things in this world, your attitude. I know. I know what an alcoholic personality is. I get thatthat's the real disease centers in your mind, not your body. Every time yousay, if only I had this, I'd be okay. You know whatyou're saying, don't you? You're saying every time you say if onlyI had this. Anybody ever say themselves, if only I had this idea?Okay, there, raise your hand if you never said if only Ihad this idea? Okay. So whenever you say if only I had this, or think if only you had this, you'd be okay, you know you'resaying. You're saying I'm not okay. You know that, don't you know? You don't know that. You don't know that, do you?How many times do they do you look at something say man, I wishI had that. How many times do you look at him and say,if only I had that? How many times you think, well, ifonly this didn't happen, if ide okay, how many times can a person sayto himself over and over again, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, and actually wonder why they think they'repieces of Shit? Well, you see, one of the consequences ofbeing at see you can stop the drinking. How do you stop that Shit whenyou don't even know that Shit's a problem? When you don't even knowthat's a problem because you wanted something? That's the way you think. Itdoesn't seem like it's unusual because you've been thinking like that ever since you're asperm. You know what I mean, your whole life. You think likethat. You know that is that's alcoholism. You know, a call young said, he says, he says. You got to happen like an entirepsychic change. You got to be reborn.

It says ideas, emotions and attitudesthat are the guiding force of your life are suddenly cast one side andthey become and they become dominant by homely said of ideas, emotions and attitudes. You gotta go. You got to go from if only to I've goteverything I need. How do you go from if only to God, thankyou for my life. How do you go from I can't believe another day, or what am I going to get this? So what's going to happenthe money to thank you, Lord when you don't get to that, youain't going to stop drinking, and even stop drinking, you're going to bean emotional wreck and live a life of quiet desperation. What are the consequencesof alcoholism? So my first wife, I said, if only I hadher idea, okay, and she walked in the room. She had legsup to hear, you know, gorgeous. You know, I mean she was, but I mean, you know, alcohol say that. I've never heardan alcohol says all my first life. She was ugly, you know,and everybody yet, but she was pretty gall and I said, youknow, I said like I remember my first day, I mean one ofmy first day. Means I'm sitting there in the a meeting. I'm becauseI was a lounge lizard. You know, some of you guys know what thatis. I was every Friday night, every side and I'm out there lookingfor her, who's going to make me. Okay, you know her, you know. And I wanted what she had and I was going togo to any length to get it. Let me tell you something. Ispend more money. I didn't have to buy shit, I didn't need toimpress people I didn't like. You can possibly imagine, you know. ApparentlyI've learned what I'm sending your sober because I can understand, with all themoney I'm just making, how come I was broke. And then my sponsor, who wasn't as intelligent as me, my sponsor, explained to me thatwhen you spend more money than you may, you go into something called dead Iwas going for my phd and outspreak Topology, you know what I mean. I was a math major that became a lawyer and I didn't understand thatif you kept on spending money, you didn't have but I had to spendthe money because, you know why? Cause spend them because somehow, someway, if I buy this, I feel better about myself, because apparentlyalcoholics have an intense in an intense sense deep inside that they don't even reallyrealize, feeling inadequate or unworthy. At the same time we were saying withthe greatest we got one partner and saying I'm the greatest, if only getpeople understood, if only people knew who I was, and everything like that, and the other side we're saying I'm such a piece of shit. Whenyou got those two things going, you got to start sort of friction goingon, which is helped by Scotch. By the way, Scotch will makethat go away. You know that in this this just the thinking is insane. That's why I'm the second step. Why do you think, they say? Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves would restore us to sanity, restore us to sanity, that a power, something will restore you tosanity. And you do understand that you can only be restored to sanity ifyou're insane. Did anybody explain that to a lot of alcohols? Alcoholics missthat because they don't think they're crazy. They think they just have a drinkingproblem or a few other problems. They don't realize that they're crazy, thatthey're selfish, their self centering, they're driven by a hundred forms of fearand delusion, that they step on the toes of others and they you'll retaliate, you know, seemingly without provocation, when when they've made decisions based onmy self, which put some in the position he hurts an alcohol and selfwill run right, though they usually don't think so. Above everything, wantsto get rid of alcoholism and they read that in the book. They saidthat's the basic part of alcoholism. And they said, what does that mean? Because it's a lot of words and doesn't they don't understand it. Theydon't need to know where they're selfish. Were basically good boys, and mysponsor explain that to me. If you got a right sponsor, good sponsorwill explain to says what that means. Rust is you don't give a shitabout anybody except yourself. I said, well, I like the way theysay in the book better. I don't like in the way you say.I like the way. So how do you do? How do you howdo you even figure out the consequences of your alcoholism when you're so well defendedas an alcoholic? I mean, some guy comes up to you and saysyou're an alcoholic yourself, indis they they go fuck yourself. You know.How about that? You know, I know. You think I have adrinking problem. I get that. I understand going no one where you are, from what you're looking, after, what you're seeing me, you'd thinkI have a drinking problem. Let me tell you something. I don't havea drinking problem. I drink because I have problems and pretty and as myback my drinking perfectly matches my problems and pretty soon my problem is going togo away and I'm not going to drink anymore. So thank you for advice, but let you go fuck yourself. You understand. I know what's ifyou want to talk to me about by drinking, you bet be prepared tofor me to talk about everything I know about you. And you're freaking mother, you know what I mean, because a ain't going to be for free. Who the hell you think you are? And I get angry act can Imake the whole thing go away, because I'm insane. That's if I'mnot, because I'm and but I don't...

...think I'm crazy. And everybody Ihang out with the bars, they thinking act the same way I do.That's why I love them, because they're the only people that understand me.So all I do is hanging around alcoholics. Holy Shit, I'm still doing it. I'm still doing it. All I do is hanging around without thesober out. He's drunk out, key's, crazy, oukey's. I just lovethem because they laughter this shit. Other people look, you know,if this, if you weren't alcoholics, if we were like the Quantas Club, they be looking at me like they're looking at some sort of germ undera microscope or something, and what the Hell is this guy talking about?Right? So how do we even learn about this stuff? You spend thefirst ten years sober and alcoholics anonymous, by getting crushed, by repeated humiliations, windal crushing of your self sufficiency, learning about how crazy you are,the way you learn as you get crushed and crushed and crushed and crushed andbroken. Broken. Why am I broke? He says, because you spend moneylike that. You because you don't, because all you do is spend moneyyou own have, because you feel so crappy about yourself. You don'tknow how, because yourself destructive. was quite calm Nager said when he wrotethe book man against men, against himself, book on on suicide and old chapteron alcohol said Alcoholics, some men and women, are out destroy themselves. There I'm not. I can destroy myself. Well, I don't needbooze to destroy myself. My thinking will destroy me, will screw me upjust by thinking and how I think about things. My first life says tome, marry the GAL that I thought if only I had her idea.Okay, and I had her and I got her and I winder and Idined and I did the deal and I got her and all that sort ofstuff. And then how a baby, you know, Beautiful House Onlami beachon the golf was everything like that. Job, big shop with states,turneys off, division, Chep, Major Crimes, prositute, you know,couldn't, couldn't get, couldn't, couldn't get. I get in the barat for thirty in the afternoon. Well, it ain't. Well, people's anonymous. You know, I can hey that. That's okay. That happened. When I remember I used the rail against people that left their phones onit. Did stuff like that. Get Old pissed them and everything on.This rule sixty two thing, now that you know, I realized it's sucha big deal. Rule six, dude, don't think yourself too seriously, becauseI realize that if you really want to know how sober somebody is,watch him and see what pisses along. Just watch them and see what pisseshim off. Don't don't let just look at them and see what they getangry about. That'll tell you how sober they really are. So I usedto get angry. You know about the idea, and I'll be talking andyou know somebody's phone go off, I said, and I'd say things likewhich I actually believe it's true to a certain extent. I would say things. Is My sponsor to me. I said, if you can't turn offyour phone during a meeting, let me tell you something. You're not readyto be you're not sober and you're not ready to be sober. And Iwould say shit like that. I would say shit like that which I believeto a stern extent generally is true. You know, if you can't turnit, if you can't, you know, you got to be willing go toany length. I know it's not. It's not like mount climbing. Mountit mount ever is but I mean if you can't drink your phone off, if you're texting, you're an a meeting, you ain't ready for thisdeal, you're gonna be end up drinking anyway. However, I stopped sayingthe day I said that and my phone went off and I had a laughat myself. Not's likely, and then I had to realize sometimes phones gooff by accident, not by purpose. You know it other get so pissedoff and everything about it. You know, because I'm an out you don't becauseyou don't want because I'm an alcoholic. So I go in the bar forthirty in the afternoon and I come thought, come out of thirty inthe morning with my wife and a kid at home, and my wife wouldsay to me, and she be waiting dinner for me rolling thirty in themorning, sitting in the bar. Four years married, five years married,three years married, sitting in the bar. I'm all life in the baby athome and I'm looking at the girls in the dance floor I'm sitting inif I can only have that blond, if I only have that Brunette,if I only had that redhead, my left be okay, but I'm married. I'm married with this down. You know. You know, you everbuy a new car, anybody ever buy a new car? Isn't a greatto get in a new car? You know the feeling when you get intoa new car's driving around. Remember I bought when I was like seven,eighteen, nine and twenty years old new camera and I'm driving around. Ithink the whole world's looking at me like I'm like every woman in China islooking at me. I mean, I'm just waiting for them to look atme. You know, in the new car, and then you know it'sgoing to you know, but and you know. And then what happened is, but what? Because I'm an alcoholic and it made me feel like Iwas something. I walk in the bar...

...with that good looking blond and everybody'slooking at me, with me, and with that gallon. I thought Iwas like a drunk as I could be on the Gal. You can bedrunk on women, you can be drunk on cars, you any that givesyou that feeling that you're no longer to assaul and you're okay, you're aman, you're better than you're okay. Now you're drunk. I could neverfeel that way. Without the GAL, without the car, without the money, you can get drunk on that crap. And then one day the car isa year old, maybe gets a flat, maybe it gets a dingin it or something like that. Then you got to get it. Youcan't afford but you got to have a new car. You hate your car, you know, you hate people seeing your car. You know you're embarrassedabout your car, you know. And so I'm in the bar looking atthe blond S, Brunetts and redheads and saying, if I only had thisand I never cheated, physically cheated on my wife. But you want USsomething. When you leave a wife at home with a child and you getin a thirty in the morning all the time, you know who does that? Assholes do that, bums do that, people that don't give a shit aboutother people's feelings do that. Monsters do that. I was a monsterin a three piece suit. But you got understand she was used. It'slike the used cars, like the car to me, women are like hersto me, by the car, it's grand new, I feel good,you have sex, I think it's okay. Six months later I'm looking for anew car. Women are like cars for me. You know, atleast a car doesn't talk back. You know. So. So there maybe a gallon here, a guy in here. Say, man, thisguy's an Asshole, and let me tell you what the situation is. Iam and I was. But you know, the great thing about knowing that you'rean asshole and you're a jerk and you're an idiot is at least Iknow who I am. I don't make believe that I'm a good guy.I don't make pay play make believe with this disease and I don't put fullyshit in my head about who I think I am. I know who Iam and because I know who I am, that's how grateful I am to Godto turn me into something else. Because how can you be grateful toGod and know what the miracle is when you know what a shit ass youwere? How can you? How can you be grateful to God and realizewhat a miracle happened in your life when you're really you know, if you'rejust one of these guys, maybe you don't have the disease I have,if you're just one of these people that you're basically a good boy, youdon't hurt people, you're a nice guy. You had a little bit of adrinking problem, but you're not drink anymore. Thank God for Miracle.Not going with it. Well then, you and I have different diseases.I'm a selfish self. Saturday, but Asshole, you know, my sponsorsaid to me how you doing? I said fine. He says you mustbe getting your own way, and he was right, you know. Somy wife finally says you come on one more time, one more time andI'm leaving you. One more you come on, drunk one more time,leaving your twelve worth. I'm a sober as I am right now, andsin those twelve words. You come drunk one more time and I'm leaving you. It's clear, clear, sober. I got a wife, I gota son, everything is online. I get in my car, I drivethree blocks, three blocks, stop at a light and all of a suddenI think this, what the fuck did she mean by that? Really,what's that all about? I have no idea what she's talking about. Whensomebody, because I'm an alcoholic and on the same so when somebody tells mesomething or I read something that I don't like, it confuses me and Idon't understand it, I don't get it, I I make it go away.I hate the person, I get angry, I say that's bullshit,whatever it is, and then I go to the bar and I have myone drink and I told my buddy dog, I say, listen, I gotto get home. Was Ronnie said, if I come home drunk one time, she's going to kill me, and he puts his arm around me, because it's not like I forgot about he put some eyes, arm aroundand says rush, she's never to divorce. She she loves you, the greatestguy in the world, and I'm saying, yeah, this is that'sexactly what I'm thinking. That's why I love these guys in the bar.These guys were the greatest guys in the world. That's what out that.So let me ask it. You see, see, that's a consequence of beingan alcohol you never see the truth. Your delusional. You can't semparate thetruth from the false. And that shit goes was on even after youstop drinking, even after you've done your force. You know, you doyour four step, we'll get into that, and you can see some of thisstuff come up and your fist step more of the stuff comes up.But as you go along and you continue to get in trouble and get asskick and you have problems and you don't...

...know why and you blame in andyou're resented and then you got to go away that, you got to talk. Just by it you see more shit. So, yeah, Oh, yeah, all right, that, yeah, I was fucking insane. Why didI do that? Why did I do you know, and you sick. That's the real life. How you can stop the drink and how doyou stop the thinking? Because if you can't stop to think and you'll startthe drinking. Or you'll be sober but you'll be miserable. And that's whyBill Wilson said the next step and the alcoholics life is emotional. Sobriety said. The real problem with alcoholics is unhealthy dependencies, lust, the loves ofthis world. saw. I'm sitting in an a meeting and I'm watching.I'm in an a meeting, I'm allounge. Listen, this is my new lounge. I'm not trying in Scotch, I'm drinking coffee and I'm sitting here. What do you think I'm looking? I'm looking at the blond of thefront row, you know. And I say to my sponsor what I've saidevery alcoholic have ever said. Next to look at that guy in the fromgall in the front row, and he looks at me and he says because, because you see, when you're insane, when you're insane and you don't evenrealize you're thinking, is insane, is in selfish, is selfish andlustful and you're a whore and you have no integrity. But you don't understandthat about yourself because you think you're perfectly okay, because everybody hung out withwas okay, was exactly like you, and you don't even see that asa problem. You don't even understand the thinking that will get you into troubleand make you feel crappy. But you make the mistake of asking somebody tosponsor you who's not insane. Now when you link when you're insane and youlink up with somebody that's not insane, and Aa Trust me, they're goingto say things that are going to Piss you off. You're going to askhim question, they're going to say something, they'll say you won't even understand.It's like they're talking checks the locket. So I said, look at theblonde the front road. He said, Russell, what you used to drink? I said Scotch. This is what kind of Scott said, JimB, J baty. He said, you see that down in the frontrow? I said, yeah, it says for you that's a bottle ofJB with legs you don't want. The fuck like crazy shit. And thenalso look at her again in this green bottle forms. So I tell mysponsor, I tell my and you know, really you got to get rid ofhow do you get rid of that thinking? Of course, if you'renot ready to stop dre if you send you somehow link up the fact thatyou're not drinking with the fact that you have this sponsor and you want himto like you. And the one thing I had going for me as Itake the first step. So I became entirely ready to have God and movethe drinking. I became entirely ready to have God and move all the drinking. More than anything, I didn't want to drink. Didn't mean I wantto didn't want to get laid. Didn't mean I didn't want to resent people. Didn't mean I didn't want to gossip of aculum characters that think you behindyour back. Didn't mean I didn't want to think the way I think,don't do the things I want to do. Didn't mean that. But I didn'twant to drink. I didn't want to drink. So you all ofa sudden you don't want to drink and you got to you're not drinking andmore than you think else you don't want to drink and you got the sponsorand all of a sudden's not even talking about drinking, he's talking about othershit. He's saying blonds are scots with legs or something like that, andand you don't want to Piss them on. And you know it. All ofa sudden you sending at the table with three other guys and you're doingwhat you've done in the bar all the time. What have you done inthe bar all the time? When I'm with three other guys in the Bar, I talked shit about other people on their back. I see some guywalk in with a goodlooking bark blond in the bar and I look at myfriend I said, look at that Asshole, because you've been alcoholic, you cantell the assholes. You can separate. You could tell who you hate.You know what I mean. And so I start telling. I've saidI'm I'm out in an a room and I say, look at it.You know, I got fredd, he's a real jet. You know I'mthe other len and he said Russell. He says he's alcoholics anonymous. Wedon't talk about other people behind the back. In the show of something good tosay about it, I said what he said. We don't talk aboutother people behind their back. You don't gossip. I don't think it's gossip. Women Gossip. I'm just it. You know, talking. I'm justall the truth, you know, isn't that? You know, we don'tsay I see and he says this. He says so one don't you justshut up, and my mind the nuclear bomb goes off in my mind becauseI can't believe because now I want to rape his wife and kill his dogand blow him up. How dare he say this is one of me.But I had one problem, he says. I knew he loved me and Iloved him and I knew my sobriety depend upon him. So I'm pissedoff, but you know, I so, I but what am I going todo? And then so I start watching myself and for the most partI become like the a police. I hear two people talking about something.I said, Hey, we don't talk about being behind their back, andthat's like. And I stopped doing that because he embarrassed me, because hehumiliated me, because that's Ho how we stop things, because we get humiliated, not because the PAT patters are that...

...we stopped doing shit, because Irepeated humiliations and the final crushing of our self sufficiency and we're embarrassed and we'reashamed. So we repent, we turn around and say I'm not going todo it anymore and we change a little bit and I stopped talking Shit aboutpeople behind their back. I stopped doing it for a month and I startfeeling better now. If he had to explain to me, Russell, ifyou stop talking shit about people behind their back, you'll stop thinking shit aboutother people and you'll start feeling better about yourself now. If he had explainedit to me that way, in a civil manner, you, I wouldhave I would have understood it. Bullshit, you know what I mean? Isaid, that's bullshit. You know, he explained to me the only wayyou can explain to an alcoholic. Laun't you just shut the fuck up? Aren't you just go out and explain to me, way out the wayalcoholics need to explain to you? So when all of a sudden my wifecomes me, come on, drop more time, I'm going to leave you, and I say to myself, what the hell does she mean by that? That's a consequence of being an alcoholic. There are signals all over your life. Would bad shit happens to you stop happening to crazy shit happening toyou and you don't even see it. You're saying things like what the hellthey mean by that, or I don't even understand something. You don't evensee it, you don't even notice it, because you're so insane you don't evenknow what the Hell's going on around you. And that's the real alcoholism. That's the shit that centers in your mind, not your body drinking.That's the bullshits. Let me something. Everybody starts drinking, everybody stops drinking. Few people died and everybody stops for a little while. You drink enough, you'll stop. You drink it up, you might die. That maybe oneof the Rais. You stop and you'll stop if you drink enough,or you'll come in here, you'll crawl on here, you'll stop drinking fora week, a month, so you know, two weeks, two years, three years. Things just have to get bad enough where you get humiliatedand then you'll stop. Okay, but the thinking, the getting the pointwhere you where you got a sponsor and tells you shut the Hell Up,and you shut the hell up. When you got a sponsor and you tellhim, you tell him the you can tell him after a month because youhave no money in the back and you're broken. You can't pay the mortgageand you're scared and you don't know what to do and there's no place togo and you're not going to tell anybody. Your a group. We have thatlike. You're a lawyer and you're broke. You know not that togive a shit what they think about you, but you're not going to say thatShit, you know what I mean. And then, finally things get sobad you don't know what to do, you go up to your sponsor andyou explain it to him, because maybe you'll lend you a thousand bucksor something. And you say, listen, I have no money. I paidthe moreage than two months. I'm scared. What's got my wife andbabies? I don't know what's going to go happen. I'm really going nuts. I don't know what to do. He says, why? I thinkI've got the answer for you. I said really, say yeah, absolutely, I got the answer. Prices. Yeah, he says, I thinkit's about time to start making coffee for the group. And here he goestalking fucking check the Slovakia. and to me, I mean I got thefiling. It was no conversation going on here. I'm talking about real shit. I'm not talking about the Bulls. I'll talk about reals. I theabout money. I mean, I know it's not important you, but forme it's right up there with oxygen. You know what I mean. Money. You still about making coffee for the group. He says he'll let meshow you how it's done and I followed him over to the coffee. Ifollowed him over to the coffee and he showed me how to make the coffee. is so many scoops. Who put it in his how we do iteverything. So I show me how the coffin. I made the coffee thatnight. The next day I didn't want to go to meet because I wasn'tfeeling good. Sometimes that happens. You just want to go to me becauseyou're not feeling good, or you don't want to go to me because you'refeeling too good, or whatever. I just wanted to meet, but Ihad to go to the freaking meeting because I had to make the coffee.So I went to the meeting and I made the coffee. was good andone meeting because no money, but I felt better and I just kept ongoing to meeting making coffee. And three months later I know what happened.The money came in, everything worked out. I was sober. Some guy cameup to me. He says, you know, I'll make the coffee. It's so I have the coffee maker. Who the hell may you the coffeemaker. I make coff for that group for eighteen months. Eighteen months, I may call for the group. So another. So I've had guyswho their sponsor to done the same thing and they say I'm firing a nicesponsor because he doesn't understand me. You know, I've told him some realpromise. You tould me to make coffee and it's on the you got otherguys that walk away from that Shit. You know why I'm sober today?You know I have. I'm on my forty one year because, for somereason I don't understand, I told my sponsor something that was a big problemmy life that I needed help with and he told me to make cough overthe group and somehow, for some reason, I followed them the coffin. Imade coffee. You know, that was that was the first and secondstep. You know what that was?...

That was wanting what he had somuch and not want to drink. That was when we go to any landsto do it. Very few people do that deal. Most of them youdon't get a sponsored or don't talk to this sponsor. If the sponsor tellsthem to do something, they don't follow them because they haven't done the deal. They just try at the moment. Not Happy with this. Sobriety.So one last story. So I'm sitting in a room. I told usthe other nine. I love this story because it's true. You know.Yeah, I mean this is you know, we come in here with no stories, not no story. Yet here's my story. It's not my fault. I'm not to blame. I wouldn't have done to him to feed them. Do it to me. If you did, I got. I gotlike alibis. I got no story. You know so, and you wantto try to tell me what what? What's wrong with me? I'm goingto, you know, do what I said before. But but you knowhow, because we're so well defend, you got a flank an alcohol.We got to sit here's how you get a story. You sitting in ana group and some guy tells the story or says something. You say yourselfthat's son of a bitch, is freaking crazy. And then I'll send youthink, Holy Shit, I was doing that last Monday. You know whatI mean. That's how you get your stories. Then you start hearing storiesabout what the guy did when he was drinking, what the guy did beforehe was drinking. And then you got stories about before. You Yeah,I did that, I did that, I did that, I did that. We hear this shit. No, don't. So we got a storyabout what happened before we were drinking, stories would have while we're drinking.Every day we're not drinking, we get these stories about shit happening in ourlives. But we did this and we didn't drink and everything worked out andyour mother said this. You Got Mad and usually do this, but youdidn't do that. They're all stories about the pain, about being an alcoholic, the pain of life, overcoming that, doing this victory. And then yougo to you can say you wouldn't believe what happened to me today andyou share. You got a story. You do that for about a year. You got like about ten or fifteen stories. You're can actually talk fora drink and talk about your stories. You know, you do it forabout two years. You Got, you know, twenty stories before after duringdo it from. You know, ten years you got fifty stories. Youdo it for forty years, you got two hundred and seventy stories. It'sno longer a problem talking to a group. You know, the biggest problem iswhich story do I tell? Because they're all your stories. There's storiesabout you, there's stories got alcoholism, the story got God, there's storiesabout this program the stories about miracles, and they're all personal to you andthey're importance to you because they're stories about your life. And the only sadthing is you don't have time to tell two hundred stories. So one daysome guy but bounced the father adology. But you know something, they're allabout the same thing. They're all about this disease and they're all about crazythinking in same thinking and they're all about same thinking and I'll completely different wayof living this life and being rocking in the fourth dimension existence. And theonly reason happens is because you expose yourself to people they are farther along,that want to help you, that got the got a handle on this thing. And the only reason happens is because you're willing to expose yourself and dowhat they tell you to do, follow directions. How about that following directions. So when that was pissed off. Somebody bought bounced the father in thedollar check on the anybody ever check ever? Anybody ever have money out to themwhere somebody bounces a check on on your stuff? They ever? Well, I'll tell you that frost to me and I it caused me to bounceJack's and it was just a bad thing and I was I was pissed andyou're like most alcoholics. I'm telling everybody I can run into, you know, like they were an AA my story and any day bounced the checking bounce. I'm doing it for like a week. I'm going to kill him. I'mkilling them. On my mind, I'm I'm dropping him an acid,you know, and other shit and size I. So I told my mysponsor this for the fourth time. You know, it's like pornography to me. Worry and being up says like part. I can't stop looking at it,I can't stop talking about it, you know, and not that's makingme feel better. I love the anger, I love the self pity on theself videog so I told my sponsor about that shit and he says helooks to me says, well, you talked about this last week. Wetalked about this raises. Yeah, but the guys, I can't believe ina he said, let me ask, how would does it make you feelgood this, you know, think tarmas. This is not and I feel likecrap, it's going to just a liminate some how would you feel?It didn't bother you? Chuck the Slovakia and again I saw. I sayto him, which is the truth, I don't understand. I don't understandthe question. I don't understand the question. I mean if I told you ina bar or anywhe else, God, bounce five dollars and ask I can'tbelieve the guy did it, you wouldn't say. How, would you? You? You might say a lot of things. Yeah, that happenedto me. The guy's an ass all we already come. You know.You would not say how. Would you would not say how? You wouldnot say what he said. You understtand, but he's an alcoholics, anonymous.He's got twenty years, you know.

So they're stupid, they talk funny. So he said to me, how would you feel if you didn'tbody? And I said, I don't know, I don't understand you questionsas why? It's simple question. I would you feel it didn't bother Isaid, I know, the guy bounced the five deval check on me.What do you mean? How would I in? Because my basic line wouldbe said I always thought there was only one way of looking at things,only one way reacting. I so my statement do with these is well,but happened to you, you'd feel the same way and I would believe thatif it happened to you you would feel the same way and I'd see peoplein a dying of cancer and doing meetings and being happy. You know,apparently this step ways. And he said to me, how would you feelif it didn't bother you? I said, I don't understand the question. Hesays it's a simple question. How would you feel if it didn't botheryou? I said, you mean if it didn't bother me that he bouncedthe five de Doll check on me. Said yes, if it didn't botheryou. How would you feel if it didn't bother you? And I Ithink I said well, if it didn't bother me, I feel fine,you'd say. He said, there you go, I'll tell your story.One done sometime about by by other sponsors said Nice is you're upset because you'reusetable. You know, I say to my sponsor sets and this is nogreat artist, a sensitive you're just touching and so I don't know where thathas anything to do with anything. I think I'm when I went over it. Is that having the first step. I don't know. We're gonna talkabout something is the steps are all in there. They're in there. Somewill trust me. They're all there. The second step is then, thefirst step is there. The fourth step is there, the seventh step isthe sixth step is there, the twelve step, it's they're all in there, all packed in there. You know, you hear what you're supposed to do. You're going to hear what you're supposed to hear. If there's ahundred people in this room, there's a hundred different meanings going on. Youknow, some people walk away with nothing, some people walk away with one thingthey heard, and everybody walk away with a different thing they heard,or what they think that heard. Most people hear things that I didn't evensay. That's true. They'll say, man, when you said this,I didn't even say that. That's what they heard because they mixed it upwith what they have going in their mind and their lives, and God thoseexactly need to hear and they heard what they heard and that's the deal.So God bless you. Thank you.

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