AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org
AA Speaker Recordings - Rocketed.org

Episode · 11 months ago

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Life Is Good Group 10/28/2021

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Russell S. Talk 1 at the Life is Good Group, Boca Raton, FL 10/28/2021

I love you, Thomas. God bless you. God bless you. Gotta we gotta get him off the depression from out here. My names Russell spats. I'm an alcoholic. It's good to see I have found that you haven't drink since January twenty two, one thousand nine hundred and eighty one. And doesn't mean I haven't had a drink, you know, but I haven't got necessary. You know, it's forty one years of undetected drinking. You know, they're never going to cash me. No, I've been sober for a while. It's my forty first year, trying to make it, you know, one day at a time, right. So it's great to be here. This is like my I'm seen faces and people that haven't seen in a year and a half. This group started by James Friedman, by sponsored. God bless them. You know. I know he's not here for you as a good reason, but I know you guys know James and he's he started this quite fifteen years ago. How many years ago? Fifteen, twenty years ago? I think I did the first meeting in this group. I think it was at the Kabbad. Was that that the Habad? And then every year thereafter. For like fifteen years I did a step series here, you know, which is three months, and not to know a lot of the people here and and I see faces of people you know, because this is like my my home is sixty miles south of here, so it's like an hour and a half to get up here during rush hour and everything like that. So I and we used to come here and go out to dinner and where I think we're going out to dinner tonight and we're going to do that's going to be the deal. We're going to do that. And I brought up a few friends too, and so it's just like my mich book and I was like yeah, it's for like my family. So I'm seeing people, you know that I love, I've seen for like fifteen years coming up here and doing this deal, and there's just so many of you that it's great to see you. A lot of you guys have seen on zoom. You know. I love the zoom thing, to go about three or four means a day on the zoom thing. I see a lot of you guys from zoom, but I haven't been able to get up here and everything with you guys, and it's just great. I we we came up. Now usually when I come up here, you know, we have a little you got a little, you know, car pool and everything. Get a bunch of guys and my son in law's here, Armando and Justin and Joshua and who else do we have here? And Oh yeah, and Clark came up with me and and Jimmy, and Jimmy drove. Thank you very much, Jimmy. I'm used to drive myself, but you know, I just I'm old. It's over for me. You know, what's the point? You know, it's I got it. I had this attack of verdict. I've never had vertical vertigo were to young people don't get it, you haven't got I had a attack of Vertigo last night. So I couldn't it's a wonderful feeling. If you if you've ever been totally stoned out of your mind and you've ever been drunk and you've ever been lying in a bed and the bench starts spinning like a fucking top, you know what I mean, a million as brow, and you put your foot down to try to stop the bed from spinning. It's like that, but just a little bit worse, and your sober when it's happening. It's it's scary shit, I'll tell you. But I had to call a couple of doctors and I got to have my daughter's couple my daughters called me up and tell me I was stupid, and which is supposed to cure me. You know, I mean, I understand. They called me up their word and you're stupid. Just you go to the emergency room. As it now. I don't think so. So, but I'm feeling a lot better now and I got to drive up with usually when I drive up here. I haven't been here for a year because of the pandemic, but usually when I drive up here, or when I drive anywhere to do these set means, I've been doing it for thirty years, thirty thirty five years. So usually when I drive up, you know long I usually you have the I'll be playing hymns on him a haul and I like playing him's and different types of music and pretty explectic and we usually drive up here in total silence except for the music, and for about an hour and a half and it's very nice and relaxing. But I had the privilege of having with me today Nick, who's twenty years old and he's got eight months and he's a zoom baby. He's got the DADS right there and there is the yet I want you to stand up. I want you to have a little attention out. Thank you. Right. That's it. See how he was dressed up and nick. Nick was wonderful because we drove up for an hour and a half and and we didn't have to worry about silence because for an hour and a half Nick told me his life story. You know his life story, you know, and you twenty years, he doesn't have much of a life to tell. But I mean he told me the entire life story. You know, in case I should develop laryngitis or something, he would be prepared, you know what I mean, to step into the gap and I appreciate that. Next, this is very enlightening, and so it's good to be here and it's good to see all. Look at these...

...guys in the front row, and good to see all you guys. So listen, here's the here's the deal. Let me just tell you what's I'm here to conference of disturbed and disturb the comfortable. So don't pay any attention to anything I say. Don't get pied. I listen. If you want to be pissed off, you can. You know you don't spiritual acting him whenever you disturbed, matter what the cause, there's something wrong with you. You know it's so. If I say some of the story is no sense getting this is just my story. It's just my opinion. My Story Chock full of opinions. I'd like say it's based upon experience. My sponsor, my first wants you to say what a man with experience meets a man with money. The men with experience and walk away with the money and the man with the money will walk away with experience. So I know alcoholics are all bringant. We're all fucking brilliant. We know everything. I understand that. You know. And they say there's some guys background back row. He's already saying WHO's this asshole? You know, I should be up there and talk, and I get that. I understand the I understand what I'm dealing with. When I'm dealing with alcoholics. They're all cynics, and I even skeptics. Their skip their cynics and bullshit. You know, I know what the story is. Who Tell anythink he doesn't know me. And I know what I'm dealing with. Here. But that's how Kay. I'm just gonna it's based upon I listen at these prices. You know. It's based upon my experience in here, my experience with my own sobriety. I'm seventy two years old. I came here what I was thirty one and been married forty years, something like that. Forty forty one years, raised four kids sober and got seven, soon to be eight, grandkids, God willing, and in some wonderful sponsors for wonderful sponsors and a mentor. And then I've been around for a while. So I've seen him go, I've seen him calm, I've seen him mostly go, you know what I mean. And and I've been with the guys that stick around and have been rocking in the fourth dimension of existence and experience much of heaven and all the real deal. You know, that's six step, they say. This is the stuff that we separate the men from the boys. I've been hanging out with the men for forty years, so I know what I know what it takes to get to that deal. And and I've watched the guys that are fly by night. They make it for three years or five years or ten years and they and they they're gone. You know, they just can't seem to get it together. So I know about that deal. So I'm just going to talk to about my experience. Now how I do these things when I you know, I've been, as I said, been doing the step series for a long time and you know when you first come in here and what I'm going to share, because I think it's an appropriate thing to do it. I mean, obviously I'm familiar with literature and I'm familiar with the steps and but it says our experience, you know, our our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be lack and what happened, what it's like thet now. And and although I'm going to talk a little bit about what I've learned and my experiences and things like that, I'm going to try to just first a lot with stories, because I think you have to put yourself in the deal. I mean, this isn't for me to give you a lecture, although I contend to do that sometimes, and you know and I have, but but it tell you a little bit who I am and what am and what my story is and to the extent that you identify with it, fine if you don't find. Don't worry about it. I get all wired up and crazy at times and I say Shit that disturbs people, and you know I don't mean to disturb you. It's just something that happens whenever I speak. You know, I'm sorry. There's just a natural thing. It's no use you getting upset. You'll get in your car, you'll drive home, you'll be thinking about that asshole. Why did he say that? Who'd hell invited them? And I want already be in the car. Sent a lot of I said that and I'll forget the whole thing. You know what I mean and it's so don't even worry about it. Just relax. It's just an a meeting. We're not invading China, anything like that. This is anything big, you know, with just for an hour. Nobody will drink, I suppose, hopefully, and I don't do it like I used to do it when I first started doing the steps. You know, when you first come day and there's probably some New People here, these steps are weird. They're like strange, they're like it's not there. There there counterintuitive to the way an alcoholic things so or or lives his life. They're just not something, so they have to be explained to you fifteen thousand times. You don't understand why you have to forget about how you do it. You don't even know why you have to do it. I mean, why do I have to do that? And all that sort of stuff. There's a lot of questions and stuff like that. And you know, sometimes people come in here and they're still beating down, which is a good thing by the way, so that they don't ask a lot of questions. They just get right into it, because they'll do anything. You know, there's a line in book. It says if you want what we have and you willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take some you're not even ready. Did you know that? This is a step before the steps? You know, the step before the steps? You need to pay attention to this, because this is true. There is a step before the steps. The step is, if you want, we have, whoever we are. If you want we have, you willing to go to any length to get it, then you're ready to take the steps. And we have a lot of people come in here. They're not ready. They want. What they want is they want what they had. They don't want what we have.

They want what they had and they may be will we go to any length to get what they had? You know, get laid, you know, hang out in parking lot to talk to the girls, you know, staring at the blond in the front row. You know, I got to tell you I talked from a standpoint of a guy. I have no idea what's going on with gals or anything like that, but I talked from Stampin of a guy. You understand, they come in here for other reasons, which is not bad or good at just the fact of life with alcoholism. And we're going to get into a lot of that, because what I really want to talk to you about. As this goes on, you'll see I'm not going to talk to about alcohol. Let me tell you. Let me tell you about the first step. If you don't think you're an alcohol just keep drinking. I think the best way to take the first step is to drink yourself into it, not have me convince you of it. Not Have Me. I for forty one years I've been trying to convince alcoholics who don't believe they're alcoholics and don't want to stop drink. I've been trying to convince them not to drink. It's a very frustrating thing. I spend eight years on relay, you know, in service. When I got in here, I got into the whole thing. You'll learn more about eight years on real lay. If you were in Miami and it was Friday night, anytime, you ater Eight, eight PM at night until Ezero am or nine o'clock the next morning, and you called up a a, you got me for eight years on a Friday night to Saturday morning. So for that eight year period nobody got some, but he got sober, you know, and I learned that you spend hours, and now I I after a while I stopped spending. Now I used to spend hours. When people on the phone and they tell me and then this, that happened, and that happened and this happened and that happened. Then happened. Then after two hours, at three o'clock the Mon I'd say, okay, so about the drinking thing, he's just hum I don't want to stop drinking, I'm just lonely or something like that, you know. And you can hear that. You'd be taught. They'd be talking about that. They say no, no, I've got no, no, you got to listen to me. This is an alcohol is s it's one o'clock in the morning, there's nobody there, they're lonely. It's goals. No, no, no, no, I you gotta, I got you got to listen to me and sit there listen and listen. And it's trying to get a second Chris, I was relatively new and and so I'd listened for an hour and a half and everyone's wiled. They stopped. They say, could you excuse me for a second, and I hear a glass, you know, with ice going into it. Well, one blah, blah, blah, Blah, God, it's okay, you know. And so after two years of that Shit, you know what I mean. You know there's nothing like dealing without bots or working without bolics or sponsoring without bolics. That know what this disease is really about, you know. And and then then, but after a while I pretty much got the picture. I let him talk for about five minutes and then I'd asked questions. You want to stop drinking, and then if theydn't want to stop drinking, there wasn't much I could do for I remember I got I got a call one time from a one topic. But every once in a while, let me tell you what would happen. Every once in a while he got a call from a guy or yeah, they'd be like one o'clock in the morning, two o'clock in the morning. I say, yeah, what kin I do for you to say? My Name's Joey, says, you know, and I can't stop to I want to stop drinking. I and I got a drink, a prom and I can't stop drinking. I need help. That's it, that's it. That's all he would say. I need help, I can't stop drinking. No, story, no, you got to listen to me. He just said I need help, and then he would he would listen and he's waiting because that guy, that guy, you know, my spons used to say some people, some people want help and some people just want attention. What you're going to learn is this a very serious disease and that alcoholics are fucking insane. And I say they're fucking insane because I speak out key. You understand what I'm saying, because I know that in your head use the word fuck all the time and there's a new guy in here, sitting in the back row, who's saying I hate this guy, who's this guy? And I say fuck. One time he says I like this guy. Lets you see, he feels like all you we're all assholes and we're all holier than Dow and this is church shed, this is God stuff and everything like that. And you know, some he's got his guard up and says I can't believe I have to be here, because he uses it all the time. And I'm here for the new guy and I'm here for the guy with twenty years that are no longer happy with this sobriety. And I know how the new guy talks and I know how he thinks. You know, you know sometimes in alcoholics anonymous, I hear words like and I'm going to tell you something. I'll tell you something right now about me. I'm and you'll hear more about this. I'm a Jewish gift from New...

York and I'm a born again Christian. You understand. So we'll get this out of the way. I go to church, the Deacon in the Church and all sort of crapping here about how that all happened, and that's my search doesn't have to be your search. You understand what I'm saying. And as I hear a lot of bad mouthing of religion, all sort of stuff from people that have no idea of what age about it, where it came from. Well, history of a a and you'll hear a lot about that, you know, for those who really want to grow up and not be children in here. You know what. You want to grow up and come men or women, okay, and the bottom line is you. So you got a lot of pe. What happens in a a's you got a lot of people that put down religion or religious people because they're holier than out, while in a they become the most holier than Thou assholes you can possibly imagine, judging people, judging religions, people, judging every that moves, just judging people by every every because they become more self righteous than any person I've ever cover in sitting and as Sydney and any rooms. And you want to lose, you want to wear you know, you want to wear your coat like a loose garment. And here, you know, I you know, think we have a rule. It's called rules sixty two. Don't take yourself too seriously. You know, when I look at somebody and I try not to judge people, but you know I you know my watch to say stick with the winners and I've learned a long time ago that when an old timer says that man sober, he doesn't mean not drinking. You got a Shitload of people not drinking. They're not sober, not by old timer standards. You know, you got a lot of people not sober and alcoholics, anonymous, working some sort of program that they think is a program which is really a compromise. And they don't understand why, every once in a while they hear this voice in their mind that says I'm a worthless piece just shit, I wish I was dead. They don't understand that they're five years sober and ten years sober, and they understand why they always they're driving in the car and they always say I'm a loser, I might as well fill myself. I'll never get this thing. Don't understand why they're always talking bad shit about themselves. They don't understand why they're always saying I'll give a crap what people think about me. I'll give me shit. Sometimes I'll say it on lives. I'll give a crap what they think about me. They don't understand why they're always telling themselves they don't give a crap what other people think about them, when I should be pretty evident that people that really don't give a crap with other people think about them never never say to themselves I would give a crap on other people thinking. They say things like past to catch up, but they don't say that shit why they get up every day. You know, they get about everything a sober and they say and if only had a different life, I'd be okay. Oh, if I only had a different husband, I'd be AH. If I only had a husband. Oh, finally had a wife, I'd be okay. I. If I only can lose fifty pounds, I'd be okay. If I only had a new car, I be okay. If I only had a new job, I'd be okay. If I don't can make more money, I'd be okay. You know, if only I had this, if only I had that, I'd be okay. And they do it three, four or five, twenty times a day. They Watch TV, they sell. If only I had the only I live there. You know, they wake hum the morning there if only ears and yes, butters and you don't understanders and sober do it all the time when you're drinking. That's that's the alcoholic way of life. Alcohol life is a normal life for us. You know, they can't separate the truth. And Alcoholic life is an as a life. We're an if only are, yes, but are, you don't understand her and all the time. But that goes on even after you stop drinking, because the drinking isn't even the problem. When a guy drinks after ten years, I understand about the craving part, I get that. But when somebody drinks the after five year, you know many people in AA come back after a year of not drinking and they drank three months of not drinking and they drank a year of not drinking. They drink ten years of not drinking. They drank twenty years about drink when they drink. You ever seen that in AA? There are people in here will tell you this is the how long even sober? Well, I've been around Aa for twenty five years. HOW LONG TO SOBER? Now? Three days. You know what I mean. You know many people do that, most people. Most people. When somebody drinks after appreaciable time of sobriety. They're not drinking because they crave alcohol. They're drinking because they hate being sober. They're drinking because they've never been sober, they've never experienced sobriety. They have are all you know what, they're treading water, just waiting to drink. You know, that's why people drank after a year sobriety or six months sobriety, because they've never been all in, they've never utterly abandoned themselves to God, they've never done this thing thoroughly. Really haven't seen...

...front. They don't even know what thoroughly is. Because, like it says in the twelve and twelve, unless and until an alcohol accepts his alcoholism and all its consequences, the sobriety will be precarious. Son of true happiness will find none at all. And most people have precarious sobriety. It's like they're in intensive care for a year or two or five. Just wait until the day that they drink or drug or do whatever they're going to do, because they're not dealing with the consequences of alcoholism. They're dealing with the physical consequences of alcoholism. It's like they're in a cage, you know, they're locked up there. They they they may have become entirely ready to stop drinking, they haven't become entirely ready to stop whoring. They haven't become entirely ready to start stop chasing the shit in this world that they've been chasing the ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years because they absolutely know, without any quick of doubt that this a thing is really good. But we all know a million dollars would solve all our problems. And you had the money and you lost it, you blew it, and you had the goal and the guy, you lost it and you blew it. And you had the car and you lost your blue bluid and you have it over and over and over again, the things of this world, chasing them, trying doing anything to get them, getting pissed at anything gets any way, feeling sorry for yourself if you don't get them. And then when you finally get him, worried about losing them and worrying about some the you know, the bank, repossessing them, and worrying about her leaving you or him leaving you or whatever it is. And then you get to worry about that, and then they're gone, and then you get the press and you're over and over and over, and you'll finally get the Gal that you love and you know it's going to be perfect, because if only I had heard you, okay. And three months later you're looking at the other gals and you finally get the car you want because you know it's going to be perfect. And three months later you look at the other cars and you finally get the job you want because you know, if you only had that, it would be okay. And three months later, saying I hate this damn job, I hate my boss, and you can't understand why. You absolutely know that these things will fit you and you'll go out to get them, this new blouse, whatever, a boot job, I don't care what it is, and nothing ever works for you. I'm an alcohol because don't know no woman, no car, no one, amount of money, no nothing ever work for me just as well as just a few drinks. And if alcohol work for me the way it worked me when I was eighteen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty years old, I still be drinking it. But the said or good news for me is is that alcohol stop working for me in the sad news is stop working for me about tenders. Before I realized the Stop working with me, and I heard a lot of people. But let me tell you something. You know what? The women work too. The women work too. That's the real alcoholism. You know why? I know alcoholism the problem. I mean look it, because the big book says alcohol is only a symptom of the problem. It's only a symptom. It's only as you see somebody that can't stop Jings, he's an alcoholic. You want her something, you can be sober. I know you're an alcohol I just hear you say. I'll show them you can be so pretentious. I'll show them is it's a fucking alcoholic. They don't know who they're screwing with. June, you know who I am. fucking alcoholic. You know I don't need to be drinking. I can tell you're an alcoholic. I can shake your hands and tell you or not. I've got three minute conversation. I know you're an alcohol I just listen to what you're saying, how you talk about yourself, how you talking about things in this world, your attitude. I know. I know what an alcoholic personality is. I get that that's the real disease centers in your mind, not your body. Every time you say, if only I had this, I'd be okay. You know what you're saying, don't you? You're saying every time you say if only I had this. Anybody ever say themselves, if only I had this idea? Okay, there, raise your hand if you never said if only I had this idea? Okay. So whenever you say if only I had this, or think if only you had this, you'd be okay, you know you're saying. You're saying I'm not okay. You know that, don't you know? You don't know that. You don't know that, do you? How many times do they do you look at something say man, I wish I had that. How many times do you look at him and say, if only I had that? How many times you think, well, if only this didn't happen, if ide okay, how many times can a person say to himself over and over again, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, and actually wonder why they think they're pieces of Shit? Well, you see, one of the consequences of being at see you can stop the drinking. How do you stop that Shit when you don't even know that Shit's a problem? When you don't even know that's a problem because you wanted something? That's the way you think. It doesn't seem like it's unusual because you've been thinking like that ever since you're a sperm. You know what I mean, your whole life. You think like that. You know that is that's alcoholism. You know, a call young said, he says, he says. You got to happen like an entire psychic change. You got to be reborn.

It says ideas, emotions and attitudes that are the guiding force of your life are suddenly cast one side and they become and they become dominant by homely said of ideas, emotions and attitudes. You gotta go. You got to go from if only to I've got everything I need. How do you go from if only to God, thank you for my life. How do you go from I can't believe another day, or what am I going to get this? So what's going to happen the money to thank you, Lord when you don't get to that, you ain't going to stop drinking, and even stop drinking, you're going to be an emotional wreck and live a life of quiet desperation. What are the consequences of alcoholism? So my first wife, I said, if only I had her idea, okay, and she walked in the room. She had legs up to hear, you know, gorgeous. You know, I mean she was, but I mean, you know, alcohol say that. I've never heard an alcohol says all my first life. She was ugly, you know, and everybody yet, but she was pretty gall and I said, you know, I said like I remember my first day, I mean one of my first day. Means I'm sitting there in the a meeting. I'm because I was a lounge lizard. You know, some of you guys know what that is. I was every Friday night, every side and I'm out there looking for her, who's going to make me. Okay, you know her, you know. And I wanted what she had and I was going to go to any length to get it. Let me tell you something. I spend more money. I didn't have to buy shit, I didn't need to impress people I didn't like. You can possibly imagine, you know. Apparently I've learned what I'm sending your sober because I can understand, with all the money I'm just making, how come I was broke. And then my sponsor, who wasn't as intelligent as me, my sponsor, explained to me that when you spend more money than you may, you go into something called dead I was going for my phd and outspreak Topology, you know what I mean. I was a math major that became a lawyer and I didn't understand that if you kept on spending money, you didn't have but I had to spend the money because, you know why? Cause spend them because somehow, some way, if I buy this, I feel better about myself, because apparently alcoholics have an intense in an intense sense deep inside that they don't even really realize, feeling inadequate or unworthy. At the same time we were saying with the greatest we got one partner and saying I'm the greatest, if only get people understood, if only people knew who I was, and everything like that, and the other side we're saying I'm such a piece of shit. When you got those two things going, you got to start sort of friction going on, which is helped by Scotch. By the way, Scotch will make that go away. You know that in this this just the thinking is insane. That's why I'm the second step. Why do you think, they say? Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves would restore us to sanity, restore us to sanity, that a power, something will restore you to sanity. And you do understand that you can only be restored to sanity if you're insane. Did anybody explain that to a lot of alcohols? Alcoholics miss that because they don't think they're crazy. They think they just have a drinking problem or a few other problems. They don't realize that they're crazy, that they're selfish, their self centering, they're driven by a hundred forms of fear and delusion, that they step on the toes of others and they you'll retaliate, you know, seemingly without provocation, when when they've made decisions based on my self, which put some in the position he hurts an alcohol and self will run right, though they usually don't think so. Above everything, wants to get rid of alcoholism and they read that in the book. They said that's the basic part of alcoholism. And they said, what does that mean? Because it's a lot of words and doesn't they don't understand it. They don't need to know where they're selfish. Were basically good boys, and my sponsor explain that to me. If you got a right sponsor, good sponsor will explain to says what that means. Rust is you don't give a shit about anybody except yourself. I said, well, I like the way they say in the book better. I don't like in the way you say. I like the way. So how do you do? How do you how do you even figure out the consequences of your alcoholism when you're so well defended as an alcoholic? I mean, some guy comes up to you and says you're an alcoholic yourself, indis they they go fuck yourself. You know. How about that? You know, I know. You think I have a drinking problem. I get that. I understand going no one where you are, from what you're looking, after, what you're seeing me, you'd think I have a drinking problem. Let me tell you something. I don't have a drinking problem. I drink because I have problems and pretty and as my back my drinking perfectly matches my problems and pretty soon my problem is going to go away and I'm not going to drink anymore. So thank you for advice, but let you go fuck yourself. You understand. I know what's if you want to talk to me about by drinking, you bet be prepared to for me to talk about everything I know about you. And you're freaking mother, you know what I mean, because a ain't going to be for free. Who the hell you think you are? And I get angry act can I make the whole thing go away, because I'm insane. That's if I'm not, because I'm and but I don't...

...think I'm crazy. And everybody I hang out with the bars, they thinking act the same way I do. That's why I love them, because they're the only people that understand me. So all I do is hanging around alcoholics. Holy Shit, I'm still doing it. I'm still doing it. All I do is hanging around without the sober out. He's drunk out, key's, crazy, oukey's. I just love them because they laughter this shit. Other people look, you know, if this, if you weren't alcoholics, if we were like the Quantas Club, they be looking at me like they're looking at some sort of germ under a microscope or something, and what the Hell is this guy talking about? Right? So how do we even learn about this stuff? You spend the first ten years sober and alcoholics anonymous, by getting crushed, by repeated humiliations, windal crushing of your self sufficiency, learning about how crazy you are, the way you learn as you get crushed and crushed and crushed and crushed and broken. Broken. Why am I broke? He says, because you spend money like that. You because you don't, because all you do is spend money you own have, because you feel so crappy about yourself. You don't know how, because yourself destructive. was quite calm Nager said when he wrote the book man against men, against himself, book on on suicide and old chapter on alcohol said Alcoholics, some men and women, are out destroy themselves. There I'm not. I can destroy myself. Well, I don't need booze to destroy myself. My thinking will destroy me, will screw me up just by thinking and how I think about things. My first life says to me, marry the GAL that I thought if only I had her idea. Okay, and I had her and I got her and I winder and I dined and I did the deal and I got her and all that sort of stuff. And then how a baby, you know, Beautiful House Onlami beach on the golf was everything like that. Job, big shop with states, turneys off, division, Chep, Major Crimes, prositute, you know, couldn't, couldn't get, couldn't, couldn't get. I get in the bar at for thirty in the afternoon. Well, it ain't. Well, people's anonymous. You know, I can hey that. That's okay. That happened. When I remember I used the rail against people that left their phones on it. Did stuff like that. Get Old pissed them and everything on. This rule sixty two thing, now that you know, I realized it's such a big deal. Rule six, dude, don't think yourself too seriously, because I realize that if you really want to know how sober somebody is, watch him and see what pisses along. Just watch them and see what pisses him off. Don't don't let just look at them and see what they get angry about. That'll tell you how sober they really are. So I used to get angry. You know about the idea, and I'll be talking and you know somebody's phone go off, I said, and I'd say things like which I actually believe it's true to a certain extent. I would say things. Is My sponsor to me. I said, if you can't turn off your phone during a meeting, let me tell you something. You're not ready to be you're not sober and you're not ready to be sober. And I would say shit like that. I would say shit like that which I believe to a stern extent generally is true. You know, if you can't turn it, if you can't, you know, you got to be willing go to any length. I know it's not. It's not like mount climbing. Mount it mount ever is but I mean if you can't drink your phone off, if you're texting, you're an a meeting, you ain't ready for this deal, you're gonna be end up drinking anyway. However, I stopped saying the day I said that and my phone went off and I had a laugh at myself. Not's likely, and then I had to realize sometimes phones go off by accident, not by purpose. You know it other get so pissed off and everything about it. You know, because I'm an out you don't because you don't want because I'm an alcoholic. So I go in the bar for thirty in the afternoon and I come thought, come out of thirty in the morning with my wife and a kid at home, and my wife would say to me, and she be waiting dinner for me rolling thirty in the morning, sitting in the bar. Four years married, five years married, three years married, sitting in the bar. I'm all life in the baby at home and I'm looking at the girls in the dance floor I'm sitting in if I can only have that blond, if I only have that Brunette, if I only had that redhead, my left be okay, but I'm married. I'm married with this down. You know. You know, you ever buy a new car, anybody ever buy a new car? Isn't a great to get in a new car? You know the feeling when you get into a new car's driving around. Remember I bought when I was like seven, eighteen, nine and twenty years old new camera and I'm driving around. I think the whole world's looking at me like I'm like every woman in China is looking at me. I mean, I'm just waiting for them to look at me. You know, in the new car, and then you know it's going to you know, but and you know. And then what happened is, but what? Because I'm an alcoholic and it made me feel like I was something. I walk in the bar...

...with that good looking blond and everybody's looking at me, with me, and with that gallon. I thought I was like a drunk as I could be on the Gal. You can be drunk on women, you can be drunk on cars, you any that gives you that feeling that you're no longer to assaul and you're okay, you're a man, you're better than you're okay. Now you're drunk. I could never feel that way. Without the GAL, without the car, without the money, you can get drunk on that crap. And then one day the car is a year old, maybe gets a flat, maybe it gets a ding in it or something like that. Then you got to get it. You can't afford but you got to have a new car. You hate your car, you know, you hate people seeing your car. You know you're embarrassed about your car, you know. And so I'm in the bar looking at the blond S, Brunetts and redheads and saying, if I only had this and I never cheated, physically cheated on my wife. But you want US something. When you leave a wife at home with a child and you get in a thirty in the morning all the time, you know who does that? Assholes do that, bums do that, people that don't give a shit about other people's feelings do that. Monsters do that. I was a monster in a three piece suit. But you got understand she was used. It's like the used cars, like the car to me, women are like hers to me, by the car, it's grand new, I feel good, you have sex, I think it's okay. Six months later I'm looking for a new car. Women are like cars for me. You know, at least a car doesn't talk back. You know. So. So there may be a gallon here, a guy in here. Say, man, this guy's an Asshole, and let me tell you what the situation is. I am and I was. But you know, the great thing about knowing that you're an asshole and you're a jerk and you're an idiot is at least I know who I am. I don't make believe that I'm a good guy. I don't make pay play make believe with this disease and I don't put fully shit in my head about who I think I am. I know who I am and because I know who I am, that's how grateful I am to God to turn me into something else. Because how can you be grateful to God and know what the miracle is when you know what a shit ass you were? How can you? How can you be grateful to God and realize what a miracle happened in your life when you're really you know, if you're just one of these guys, maybe you don't have the disease I have, if you're just one of these people that you're basically a good boy, you don't hurt people, you're a nice guy. You had a little bit of a drinking problem, but you're not drink anymore. Thank God for Miracle. Not going with it. Well then, you and I have different diseases. I'm a selfish self. Saturday, but Asshole, you know, my sponsor said to me how you doing? I said fine. He says you must be getting your own way, and he was right, you know. So my wife finally says you come on one more time, one more time and I'm leaving you. One more you come on, drunk one more time, leaving your twelve worth. I'm a sober as I am right now, and sin those twelve words. You come drunk one more time and I'm leaving you. It's clear, clear, sober. I got a wife, I got a son, everything is online. I get in my car, I drive three blocks, three blocks, stop at a light and all of a sudden I think this, what the fuck did she mean by that? Really, what's that all about? I have no idea what she's talking about. When somebody, because I'm an alcoholic and on the same so when somebody tells me something or I read something that I don't like, it confuses me and I don't understand it, I don't get it, I I make it go away. I hate the person, I get angry, I say that's bullshit, whatever it is, and then I go to the bar and I have my one drink and I told my buddy dog, I say, listen, I got to get home. Was Ronnie said, if I come home drunk one time, she's going to kill me, and he puts his arm around me, because it's not like I forgot about he put some eyes, arm around and says rush, she's never to divorce. She she loves you, the greatest guy in the world, and I'm saying, yeah, this is that's exactly what I'm thinking. That's why I love these guys in the bar. These guys were the greatest guys in the world. That's what out that. So let me ask it. You see, see, that's a consequence of being an alcohol you never see the truth. Your delusional. You can't semparate the truth from the false. And that shit goes was on even after you stop drinking, even after you've done your force. You know, you do your four step, we'll get into that, and you can see some of this stuff come up and your fist step more of the stuff comes up. But as you go along and you continue to get in trouble and get ass kick and you have problems and you don't...

...know why and you blame in and you're resented and then you got to go away that, you got to talk. Just by it you see more shit. So, yeah, Oh, yeah, all right, that, yeah, I was fucking insane. Why did I do that? Why did I do you know, and you sick. That's the real life. How you can stop the drink and how do you stop the thinking? Because if you can't stop to think and you'll start the drinking. Or you'll be sober but you'll be miserable. And that's why Bill Wilson said the next step and the alcoholics life is emotional. Sobriety said. The real problem with alcoholics is unhealthy dependencies, lust, the loves of this world. saw. I'm sitting in an a meeting and I'm watching. I'm in an a meeting, I'm allounge. Listen, this is my new lounge. I'm not trying in Scotch, I'm drinking coffee and I'm sitting here. What do you think I'm looking? I'm looking at the blond of the front row, you know. And I say to my sponsor what I've said every alcoholic have ever said. Next to look at that guy in the from gall in the front row, and he looks at me and he says because, because you see, when you're insane, when you're insane and you don't even realize you're thinking, is insane, is in selfish, is selfish and lustful and you're a whore and you have no integrity. But you don't understand that about yourself because you think you're perfectly okay, because everybody hung out with was okay, was exactly like you, and you don't even see that as a problem. You don't even understand the thinking that will get you into trouble and make you feel crappy. But you make the mistake of asking somebody to sponsor you who's not insane. Now when you link when you're insane and you link up with somebody that's not insane, and Aa Trust me, they're going to say things that are going to Piss you off. You're going to ask him question, they're going to say something, they'll say you won't even understand. It's like they're talking checks the locket. So I said, look at the blonde the front road. He said, Russell, what you used to drink? I said Scotch. This is what kind of Scott said, Jim B, J baty. He said, you see that down in the front row? I said, yeah, it says for you that's a bottle of JB with legs you don't want. The fuck like crazy shit. And then also look at her again in this green bottle forms. So I tell my sponsor, I tell my and you know, really you got to get rid of how do you get rid of that thinking? Of course, if you're not ready to stop dre if you send you somehow link up the fact that you're not drinking with the fact that you have this sponsor and you want him to like you. And the one thing I had going for me as I take the first step. So I became entirely ready to have God and move the drinking. I became entirely ready to have God and move all the drinking. More than anything, I didn't want to drink. Didn't mean I want to didn't want to get laid. Didn't mean I didn't want to resent people. Didn't mean I didn't want to gossip of aculum characters that think you behind your back. Didn't mean I didn't want to think the way I think, don't do the things I want to do. Didn't mean that. But I didn't want to drink. I didn't want to drink. So you all of a sudden you don't want to drink and you got to you're not drinking and more than you think else you don't want to drink and you got the sponsor and all of a sudden's not even talking about drinking, he's talking about other shit. He's saying blonds are scots with legs or something like that, and and you don't want to Piss them on. And you know it. All of a sudden you sending at the table with three other guys and you're doing what you've done in the bar all the time. What have you done in the bar all the time? When I'm with three other guys in the Bar, I talked shit about other people on their back. I see some guy walk in with a goodlooking bark blond in the bar and I look at my friend I said, look at that Asshole, because you've been alcoholic, you can tell the assholes. You can separate. You could tell who you hate. You know what I mean. And so I start telling. I've said I'm I'm out in an a room and I say, look at it. You know, I got fredd, he's a real jet. You know I'm the other len and he said Russell. He says he's alcoholics anonymous. We don't talk about other people behind the back. In the show of something good to say about it, I said what he said. We don't talk about other people behind their back. You don't gossip. I don't think it's gossip. Women Gossip. I'm just it. You know, talking. I'm just all the truth, you know, isn't that? You know, we don't say I see and he says this. He says so one don't you just shut up, and my mind the nuclear bomb goes off in my mind because I can't believe because now I want to rape his wife and kill his dog and blow him up. How dare he say this is one of me. But I had one problem, he says. I knew he loved me and I loved him and I knew my sobriety depend upon him. So I'm pissed off, but you know, I so, I but what am I going to do? And then so I start watching myself and for the most part I become like the a police. I hear two people talking about something. I said, Hey, we don't talk about being behind their back, and that's like. And I stopped doing that because he embarrassed me, because he humiliated me, because that's Ho how we stop things, because we get humiliated, not because the PAT patters are that...

...we stopped doing shit, because I repeated humiliations and the final crushing of our self sufficiency and we're embarrassed and we're ashamed. So we repent, we turn around and say I'm not going to do it anymore and we change a little bit and I stopped talking Shit about people behind their back. I stopped doing it for a month and I start feeling better now. If he had to explain to me, Russell, if you stop talking shit about people behind their back, you'll stop thinking shit about other people and you'll start feeling better about yourself now. If he had explained it to me that way, in a civil manner, you, I would have I would have understood it. Bullshit, you know what I mean? I said, that's bullshit. You know, he explained to me the only way you can explain to an alcoholic. Laun't you just shut the fuck up? Aren't you just go out and explain to me, way out the way alcoholics need to explain to you? So when all of a sudden my wife comes me, come on, drop more time, I'm going to leave you, and I say to myself, what the hell does she mean by that? That's a consequence of being an alcoholic. There are signals all over your life. Would bad shit happens to you stop happening to crazy shit happening to you and you don't even see it. You're saying things like what the hell they mean by that, or I don't even understand something. You don't even see it, you don't even notice it, because you're so insane you don't even know what the Hell's going on around you. And that's the real alcoholism. That's the shit that centers in your mind, not your body drinking. That's the bullshits. Let me something. Everybody starts drinking, everybody stops drinking. Few people died and everybody stops for a little while. You drink enough, you'll stop. You drink it up, you might die. That maybe one of the Rais. You stop and you'll stop if you drink enough, or you'll come in here, you'll crawl on here, you'll stop drinking for a week, a month, so you know, two weeks, two years, three years. Things just have to get bad enough where you get humiliated and then you'll stop. Okay, but the thinking, the getting the point where you where you got a sponsor and tells you shut the Hell Up, and you shut the hell up. When you got a sponsor and you tell him, you tell him the you can tell him after a month because you have no money in the back and you're broken. You can't pay the mortgage and you're scared and you don't know what to do and there's no place to go and you're not going to tell anybody. Your a group. We have that like. You're a lawyer and you're broke. You know not that to give a shit what they think about you, but you're not going to say that Shit, you know what I mean. And then, finally things get so bad you don't know what to do, you go up to your sponsor and you explain it to him, because maybe you'll lend you a thousand bucks or something. And you say, listen, I have no money. I paid the moreage than two months. I'm scared. What's got my wife and babies? I don't know what's going to go happen. I'm really going nuts. I don't know what to do. He says, why? I think I've got the answer for you. I said really, say yeah, absolutely, I got the answer. Prices. Yeah, he says, I think it's about time to start making coffee for the group. And here he goes talking fucking check the Slovakia. and to me, I mean I got the filing. It was no conversation going on here. I'm talking about real shit. I'm not talking about the Bulls. I'll talk about reals. I the about money. I mean, I know it's not important you, but for me it's right up there with oxygen. You know what I mean. Money. You still about making coffee for the group. He says he'll let me show you how it's done and I followed him over to the coffee. I followed him over to the coffee and he showed me how to make the coffee. is so many scoops. Who put it in his how we do it everything. So I show me how the coffin. I made the coffee that night. The next day I didn't want to go to meet because I wasn't feeling good. Sometimes that happens. You just want to go to me because you're not feeling good, or you don't want to go to me because you're feeling too good, or whatever. I just wanted to meet, but I had to go to the freaking meeting because I had to make the coffee. So I went to the meeting and I made the coffee. was good and one meeting because no money, but I felt better and I just kept on going to meeting making coffee. And three months later I know what happened. The money came in, everything worked out. I was sober. Some guy came up to me. He says, you know, I'll make the coffee. It's so I have the coffee maker. Who the hell may you the coffee maker. I make coff for that group for eighteen months. Eighteen months, I may call for the group. So another. So I've had guys who their sponsor to done the same thing and they say I'm firing a nice sponsor because he doesn't understand me. You know, I've told him some real promise. You tould me to make coffee and it's on the you got other guys that walk away from that Shit. You know why I'm sober today? You know I have. I'm on my forty one year because, for some reason I don't understand, I told my sponsor something that was a big problem my life that I needed help with and he told me to make cough over the group and somehow, for some reason, I followed them the coffin. I made coffee. You know, that was that was the first and second step. You know what that was?...

That was wanting what he had so much and not want to drink. That was when we go to any lands to do it. Very few people do that deal. Most of them you don't get a sponsored or don't talk to this sponsor. If the sponsor tells them to do something, they don't follow them because they haven't done the deal. They just try at the moment. Not Happy with this. Sobriety. So one last story. So I'm sitting in a room. I told us the other nine. I love this story because it's true. You know. Yeah, I mean this is you know, we come in here with no stories, not no story. Yet here's my story. It's not my fault. I'm not to blame. I wouldn't have done to him to feed them. Do it to me. If you did, I got. I got like alibis. I got no story. You know so, and you want to try to tell me what what? What's wrong with me? I'm going to, you know, do what I said before. But but you know how, because we're so well defend, you got a flank an alcohol. We got to sit here's how you get a story. You sitting in an a group and some guy tells the story or says something. You say yourself that's son of a bitch, is freaking crazy. And then I'll send you think, Holy Shit, I was doing that last Monday. You know what I mean. That's how you get your stories. Then you start hearing stories about what the guy did when he was drinking, what the guy did before he was drinking. And then you got stories about before. You Yeah, I did that, I did that, I did that, I did that. We hear this shit. No, don't. So we got a story about what happened before we were drinking, stories would have while we're drinking. Every day we're not drinking, we get these stories about shit happening in our lives. But we did this and we didn't drink and everything worked out and your mother said this. You Got Mad and usually do this, but you didn't do that. They're all stories about the pain, about being an alcoholic, the pain of life, overcoming that, doing this victory. And then you go to you can say you wouldn't believe what happened to me today and you share. You got a story. You do that for about a year. You got like about ten or fifteen stories. You're can actually talk for a drink and talk about your stories. You know, you do it for about two years. You Got, you know, twenty stories before after during do it from. You know, ten years you got fifty stories. You do it for forty years, you got two hundred and seventy stories. It's no longer a problem talking to a group. You know, the biggest problem is which story do I tell? Because they're all your stories. There's stories about you, there's stories got alcoholism, the story got God, there's stories about this program the stories about miracles, and they're all personal to you and they're importance to you because they're stories about your life. And the only sad thing is you don't have time to tell two hundred stories. So one day some guy but bounced the father adology. But you know something, they're all about the same thing. They're all about this disease and they're all about crazy thinking in same thinking and they're all about same thinking and I'll completely different way of living this life and being rocking in the fourth dimension existence. And the only reason happens is because you expose yourself to people they are farther along, that want to help you, that got the got a handle on this thing. And the only reason happens is because you're willing to expose yourself and do what they tell you to do, follow directions. How about that following directions. So when that was pissed off. Somebody bought bounced the father in the dollar check on the anybody ever check ever? Anybody ever have money out to them where somebody bounces a check on on your stuff? They ever? Well, I'll tell you that frost to me and I it caused me to bounce Jack's and it was just a bad thing and I was I was pissed and you're like most alcoholics. I'm telling everybody I can run into, you know, like they were an AA my story and any day bounced the checking bounce. I'm doing it for like a week. I'm going to kill him. I'm killing them. On my mind, I'm I'm dropping him an acid, you know, and other shit and size I. So I told my my sponsor this for the fourth time. You know, it's like pornography to me. Worry and being up says like part. I can't stop looking at it, I can't stop talking about it, you know, and not that's making me feel better. I love the anger, I love the self pity on the self videog so I told my sponsor about that shit and he says he looks to me says, well, you talked about this last week. We talked about this raises. Yeah, but the guys, I can't believe in a he said, let me ask, how would does it make you feel good this, you know, think tarmas. This is not and I feel like crap, it's going to just a liminate some how would you feel? It didn't bother you? Chuck the Slovakia and again I saw. I say to him, which is the truth, I don't understand. I don't understand the question. I don't understand the question. I mean if I told you in a bar or anywhe else, God, bounce five dollars and ask I can't believe the guy did it, you wouldn't say. How, would you? You? You might say a lot of things. Yeah, that happened to me. The guy's an ass all we already come. You know. You would not say how. Would you would not say how? You would not say what he said. You understtand, but he's an alcoholics, anonymous. He's got twenty years, you know.

So they're stupid, they talk funny. So he said to me, how would you feel if you didn't body? And I said, I don't know, I don't understand you questions as why? It's simple question. I would you feel it didn't bother I said, I know, the guy bounced the five deval check on me. What do you mean? How would I in? Because my basic line would be said I always thought there was only one way of looking at things, only one way reacting. I so my statement do with these is well, but happened to you, you'd feel the same way and I would believe that if it happened to you you would feel the same way and I'd see people in a dying of cancer and doing meetings and being happy. You know, apparently this step ways. And he said to me, how would you feel if it didn't bother you? I said, I don't understand the question. He says it's a simple question. How would you feel if it didn't bother you? I said, you mean if it didn't bother me that he bounced the five de Doll check on me. Said yes, if it didn't bother you. How would you feel if it didn't bother you? And I I think I said well, if it didn't bother me, I feel fine, you'd say. He said, there you go, I'll tell your story. One done sometime about by by other sponsors said Nice is you're upset because you're usetable. You know, I say to my sponsor sets and this is no great artist, a sensitive you're just touching and so I don't know where that has anything to do with anything. I think I'm when I went over it. Is that having the first step. I don't know. We're gonna talk about something is the steps are all in there. They're in there. Some will trust me. They're all there. The second step is then, the first step is there. The fourth step is there, the seventh step is the sixth step is there, the twelve step, it's they're all in there, all packed in there. You know, you hear what you're supposed to do. You're going to hear what you're supposed to hear. If there's a hundred people in this room, there's a hundred different meanings going on. You know, some people walk away with nothing, some people walk away with one thing they heard, and everybody walk away with a different thing they heard, or what they think that heard. Most people hear things that I didn't even say. That's true. They'll say, man, when you said this, I didn't even say that. That's what they heard because they mixed it up with what they have going in their mind and their lives, and God those exactly need to hear and they heard what they heard and that's the deal. So God bless you. Thank you.

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